This is for all of my English/psychology/biology/philosophy/literally any topic girlies who cannot escape Freud. Everywhere I go, everything I watch, he haunts me.

I was watching a video about literally liminal spaces and he still somehow came up. Tell me how.

anon who said that i wouldn’t trust kate so easily after the coke episode here.

so the thing is, i’m studying to be a scientist just like yelena so we both know a little bit about how our little broken machine called brain works and that means we know that addiction is basically hereditary. so yes, for you four lines of coke may be nothing, but for kate it’s a lot since her brother literally went to rehab bc of this. people who have a family history of addiction (drug addicteds, alcoholics, and stuff like that) have a higher chance of being addicted to something too, specially when you already have a case so close in the family. that’s why i said i wouldn’t let it go that fast (and also why i think yelena wouldn’t either). my family is a very good example of this so i avoid every drug, legal or illegal, bc i can tell i’d definitely have a very hard time quitting after i start using.

i’m sorry for the terrible english btw, i’m from brazil and english is not even my second language.

BROOOO I FUCKING TEARED UP IN THAT KYFBAU ANGST! didn’t expect my dumb pair would make me cry. definitely need more now! 🤪 what kind of things they talked in couples therapy tho? curious

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First of all, your English was PERFECT...what are you talking about???

I see what you're saying so let me do a 3-For-1 lol. Let's do yours, this other anon, and the anon from the other day who said they should've been broken up for longer/wanted to see more angst. I do also agree I would've naturally extended that. That was also my natural instinct but like I said that day...I was already at 3.2k on an ask and that felt.......excessive (I also got lazy) so I just compressed it. This is really how I would stretch it out/would see it going. Love me a good angsty break up where one party has to GROVEL AND PROVE ITSELF AGAIN.

This is like...that VERY first couple's therapy session that they just walked into in that last prompt. It all crumbles to shit again right away.

///

Kate is sitting on the very edge of the couch. She's clearly on the defensive right now. Yelena's jaw is clenched, her back as straight as an arrow, and she stares directly at her lap.

"She's overreacting. This isn't my first time. I've been partying like this since I was in high school and I've never had an issue."

"Let's not minimize Yelena's feelings."

"Have you ever done this any other time while we've been together?" Kate sits in silence for long enough that she doesn't have to answer. "OH MY GOD!"

"We don't do it when we go out with you! I know you wouldn't be down with that so from the beginning I've made that rule. If you're around none of that happens."

"Wow. I'm flattered and thankful for your consideration, Kate…….Do you always get high when you don't go out without me?"

"Not always."

"What does that mean?! Almost always? Half the time? A lot?"

"Uhm…a lot I guess?"

"What do you do?" Kate sits in silence. "WHAT?!"

"Regular party stuff. It's nothing crazy! Depends on the night. Weed, Coke, Molly, K, sometimes we do shrooms or acid if we go away for a weekend or something. But that's not all the time! None of the crazy stuff tho. NEVER! If that's what you're worried about I've never touched that shit. I only do the stuff you have fun with."

"What the fuck? What the actual fuck, Kate?! You've been lying to me this entire time."

"I haven't been lying. You've never asked. It's not lying. Tell her it's not lying if it's never come up before. She's never even known before last week. It's not an issue!"

"You're a fucking asshole and the biggest hypocrite I've ever met. Aren't you embarrassed to lecture your brother and then turn around and do the same thing?"

"No. Because he's a mess and I'm not. That's the difference."

"I don't even want to look at you right now."

"She's being unreasonable. Can you tell her she's being unreasonable?"

"What are you feeling right now, Yelena?"

"That this is done. For good."

Kate turns to look from the doctor to Yelena.

"Hey. Wait…wait…WAIT…babe…no…fuck. You said two rules: no drugs and therapy. I agreed to the first and we're sitting in therapy. What are you talking about?"

"That was before I knew the entire foundation of this thing was a lie, Kate."

"It's not. It's not! Can you step in here?! I've never lied to you. FUCK! I've never lied to you. About ANYTHING."

"Except you've come home and gotten in bed with me, made love to me, made plans about a life with me while being high off your mind. That…THAT is lying to me. I'm done, Kate."

"No, it's not." Kate turns to the therapist. "CAN YOU FUCKING SAY SOMETHING?!"

"Is there anything Kate can do to regain your trust?"

Yelena turns to survey every inch of Kate's face. After a long pause.

"No."

Tears stream down Kate's face. Yelena looks at her for a beat longer and tears fill her eyes but she doesn't let them fall. She grabs her purse, stands, and leaves.

"Yelena. Yel. Babe. Yelena!"

Yelena never looks back.

Because @aliencasket got me thinking. I am so sorry this is so long.

You know, Telegraph Boy probably had a hard time adjusting to life without D. I mean, this was a god that had been causing chaos for as long as he’d been around. They’d done all sorts of shit to bug and screw with him and other gods. D saw what the Old Gods were like and wanted to emulate that, so they had a very “hands-on” approach. So, all of that chaos and destruction just suddenly disappearing one day only to be replaced by a bunch of arseholes and Weed? That must have been hard on him. Especially, if you take into account how all of the gods that were split from D looked similar to them. Imagine your best friend (as annoying as they are) just disappearing, leaving you to deal with these kids, and those kids have the same hair and eyes as them so, every time you look at them, you see a slice of your favourite person, even if they aren’t really there, knowing you’ll never see them again. That shit must have been heart-breaking.

Also, I wanted to quickly talk about Coke. Coke didn’t form until around the 70′s or 80′s. I’m gonna peg the 70′s because disco. That means Coke never met Telegraph Boy or Telephone Boy. He did, however, most likely get to meet Television Boy. The two formed a connection and, since Coke wasn’t aware that New Gods sometimes just blink out of existence, he was devastated when Television Boy was gone and replaced with Game Boy. He, probably, like Telegram Boy, had a hard time adjusting. He got over it with Technical Boy, though, after he had time to heal.

But, that brings me to Weed. Weed has been there since the beginning, sort of. They were there with Telegraph Boy, Telephone Boy, Television Boy, Game Boy, and, obviously, Technical Boy. After Telegraph, they were probably hurting, but Weed is Weed and doesn’t let pain cloud their judgement of someone, so they likely welcomed Telephone Boy with a goofy, out-of-it smile. As one does. Toba probably wasn’t very welcoming, but he never is. After dealing with Telegraph Boy and Telephone Boy going out of style, they probably were sad but didn’t dwell when Television Boy was replaced and then Game Boy. At a certain point, one does get used to the idea that everyone will leave them eventually and the only thing they can rely on is the fact that one day, they and the other druggies will disappear too. That’s some fucked up shit to deal with.

Now, aliencasket brought up a question that I find interesting. Well, she brought up several, but this is the one I want to focus on for now.

“Were they the one to help him gain the sense of reality back, did they remind him who he was and who he is?”

In the beginning, I don’t think Technical Boy was aware that there were others before him. I do think, however, that he figured it out because A. the pictures on the wall and B. he’s nosy and probably overheard something from a gabber. I don’t think that Coke would ever really want to talk about the old tech gods. it’d probably hurt too much and Coke doesn’t do well with hurt. He avoids it at any cost, actually. Weed might but who knows. Technical Boy probably just figured it out. Maybe, sometimes, he thinks that his friends are only really his friends because they miss the old tech gods and he’s just the latest in a long line of them.

The above sort of ties in with another of aliencasket’s questions: “ Did they ever thought "oh, I miss the old TB"?“

I say, yes. Coke definitely missed Television Boy which is why he avoided even being in the same room as Game Boy for the longest time. When Game Boy died, he had an easier time dealing with it because he knew that each incarnation was different from the last. Game Boy wasn’t Television Boy and Technical Boy wasn’t Game Boy. Weed, as said before, got used to the idea that no one and nothing ever stays new enough for humans to keep being interested in it forever. Since they’re Weed, of course they think about crazy shit like that (overthinking about weird shit and “galaxy brain ideas” is a stereotype of stoners or people who extensively use weed). They know that one day, they’ll be gone to and so will all of their friends. It’s the reality of being a god of modernity. They don’t let it bother them because they’re the god of one of the most well-known and used drugs in the US. And even If that wasn’t the case, they’re Weed, they go with the flow.

On a completely unrelated note, Weed’s skin is probably some shade/varying shades of green because of the marijuana plant and the varying stereotypes about stoners. From what I’ve seen stoners are stereotyped as black and white people and there is also the fact that a lot of cannabis (weed) is grown in Latinx countries (places south of the US including islands). So, why have any of those specific skin colours and just have their skin green like their plant? It’s a lot easier if you ask me.

Another thing aliencasket brought up is how freeing it is for Technical Boy to be around Weed and Coke, and the druggies in general. I mean, the effect Weed and Coke have on living creatures definitely helps with that, but there’s also the fact that Technical Boy doesn’t have to watch everything he says and does. He doesn’t have to worry about impressing them or being the newest, shiniest toy. Technical Boy can actually relax because none of them give a fuck, they’re just there for a good and fun time. Even if you take Drug Gods who are technology based like Phone or Video Games or even Social Media, as long as they have that device or system or whatever, they don’t care. As long as the addiction is satiated, the druggies don’t care. That must be an incredibly freeing feeling. To be around people who care about YOU not what you can do for them.

Preview: Shining Star [Axl Rose x OC]

A/N: I told yall I would eventually start this and now I actually am:) If you don't know who tf I am I write Gateway Drug which is a Nikki Sixx x OC story, and the OC in that story, Vivian, is best friends with the OC in this story, Tansy.

There's A LOT of information on Tansy in that story if you want to scroll through, but if not, don't worry I'm going to make sure I explain it enough where it's not one of those "you have to read one story in order to understand another one" type deals.

Also, this story will contain a plethora of triggers, major, major ones. I'm not ever going to write in detail in terms of sexual assault but there is some dark stuff in this story for a while, but it does get lighter. I'll have warnings before every chapter though.

Tag List: @sparxx27 @redlipscrystalskies14

LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT TO BE TAGGED

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"But he fell in love with her fucked up ways

With her drunken days, yeah, he still stayed

Yeah, he fell in love with her twisted dreams

And all in between, and he'd still sing

'Baby, you're a shining star

I like you just like you are

You know you'll always be my baby, don't cry

You know your crazy doesn't phase me, no lie

'Cause, baby, you're a shining star

I like you just like you are' " — Bebe Rexha, Shining Star

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1988

My ankles nearly roll on each other as I step out of the venue, stumbling in my heels, my heart beat seeming to thump to the rhythm of Lindsey Buckingham's "Trouble" that I can already tell is rattling the speakers of the car I'm being herded to by security.

My sunglasses stay perched on my nose, shielding my light-sensitive eyes from the prying flashes of reporters, reaching hands that are out to get a touch of me from fans, and I zone out the yells and screams of my name and begging to give someone somewhere attention.

The car door is slammed behind me once I get inside the limo and let out a breath of relief, glancing at my company.

I don't even speak, taking my jacket off and reaching into my purse to grab the loaded syringe.

"Axl said you should let up on that stuff, Tans." Steven's slurred voice erupts in my ears, his head leaned back with his own pair of sunglasses guarding his eyes. "Nikki just died, like, two weeks ago."

"Last time, Popcorn, I promise." I lie, wrapping the chain of the crucifix I received for Christmas from my best friend, Vivian, around my arm tightly to act as an aid to let me see my stripped veins better.

I wait until we're stopped at a red light with plenty of lighting from the building's around us to help me see better.

The sting of the needle is temporary before peace consumes me, and I'm collapsing.

I nearly died that night.

It was a couple days into the New Year, and ironically enough I had promised my boyfriend that I’d get sober as a New Years resolution.

I didn’t mean it.

If I had meant it, Steven Adler wouldn’t have been attempting to keep a close friend of his alive for the second time in the last ten days.

At that point I had more money than I knew what to do with, an apartment in New York, a mansion in L.A., a gigantic beach house on Tybee Island, two Ferraris, a Porsche, and a Harley Davidson and I didn’t even know how the hell to drive any of it, a new boyfriend that treated me better than anyone else I had been with had, and was already wanting to marry me, yet I was still so fucking unhappy.

I was ungrateful.

My addiction had nothing to do with being bored and partying to pass the time and then slipping in to something more serious.

I started on coke to lose weight after being told one-hundred and twenty-five pounds only meant I needed to lose an extra fifteen, started drinking heavily to calm myself down before every shoot, then when I started getting molested at least once a month by people in charge of me at my agency and photographers, alcohol no longer did the trick and I started on heroin and anything else that would numb the self-loathing and guilt I had for bringing all of it on to myself by being a sex symbol and never telling anyone “no.”

My issues started as a way of coping with what I did to earn money, and that’s how it ended.

1977

The dim light of the overpowering cinnamon smelling candle dances off the lilac color of my bedroom walls as my stomach nearly bursts from the amount of butterflies multiplying inside of it.

I watch the clock intently, my sweaty palms wiping at my freshly washed sheets as I examine the light purple lingerie I bought with babysitting money.

Hearing a car pull into my driveway, I peek out the window to see Vince get out, carrying a vinyl record enveloped in its skin, and I rub my lips together and give myself a small pep talk.

"Alright, Tans. You got this." I whisper, resting on my knees on the bed, waiting for him to open my door.

When he does, he sees me and looks like he's about to pass out.

"W-what's wrong?" I ask him, softly, and he blinks at me.

"You look great." He replies with a genuine smile, taking his jacket off.

"Thank you." I reply, smiling a little, tucking a blonde hair behind my ear.

"So, uh..." he nervously grins, his finger tips gliding over my thigh as he leans over me. "...Are you sure this time or not?" He asks and I look at him.

Am I, really?

We've been together a couple months and everytime we get closer and closer to homebase, I insist I'm not ready, and I can tell he's getting tired of waiting because everytime we have to stop he's rolling his eyes and getting agitated over it--which I don't know what else to expect from a Junior in high school.

"Y-Yes." I fumble out, nodding a little.

He smirks, kissing me for a second, then another.

Just as he starts unbuckling his belt, I'm stopping him.

"What is it, Tans?" He asks, the fear in his voice at the chance of me stopping him, yet again, is evident.

"I was gonna put some music on." I giggle against his lips, kissing them sweetly and relief comes off of him in heavy waves.

"Oh, yeah, go ahead." He nods, kissing my cheek.

I get up and step past him to my record player, starting up "I'll Never Love This Way Again" by Dionne Warwick.

Before I can turn back around, he's pulling me into his bare chest, pulling my hair over my shoulder, his fingers lightly brushing down my arms as his lips press into my neck.

"Let me make one slight adjustment." He whispers in my ear and I look at him over my shoulder, nodding slightly.

He's changing out the record in the player in the speed of light and suddenly "Black Dog" by Led Zepplin starts up, and he turns the volume up so it's blaring.

My face slowly falls in disappointment and I realize this is not about to be like I pictured it.

44: GIRLFRIEND - AVRIL LAVIGNE (REQUESTED)

ZAYN:

“Hey, hey You, you I don't like your girlfriend No way, no way I think you need a new one”

It was Friday night, and for one strange reason Zayn was in the mood to go out to a night club and you loved dancing so you were excited. You called your mutual friends and picked a place. You got ready and dressed in a red dress that Zayn loved on you and he went with a leather jacket that always makes you went crazy. You arrived at the club and were having a really good time until people realized Zayn was there. People started to get close, and there was a group of beautiful girls that looked drunk. One of them started yelling “Zaaaayn, you could do so much better! Your girlfriend is not as pretty as me. You can do me whenever you want” All their friends started laughing and you felt terrible because you feel beautiful that night. Zayn looked at you and gave you a  passionate kiss and you smiled. He didn’t even have to reply to her because when she saw the kiss she felt embarrassed and they went away to dance. You were lucky, he was an amazing boyfriend and he has chosen you. You danced all night and felt happy to be together.

LOUIS:

“Hey, hey You, you I know that you like me No way, no way No, it's not a secret”

You worked for the advertising agency that Louis paid and that’s why you have been around him for lots of times. You had to be present in his photoshoots, interviews and sometimes you would go to his concerts but because you had a huge crush on him. All your team knew and they would always try to make you close to him but as you were really shy you tried to keep it casual around him. Today it was a full day schedule for you to be with him. He was always busy but this as tasks went completing it was time for lunch. “Hey, y/n would you go and grab something for lunch with me?” He said. “Of course, Louis. We could talk about the photoshoot of tomorrow” You replied. He nodded and the two of you went to this place of great hamburgers and you were having a good time, you felt stupid because you were falling more for him and he only saw you as an employee, or that’s what you thought. “You had a little bit of lettuce on your teeth, y/n” he said laughing and you blushed. He talked again and said “You look so beautiful when you blush” and you replied “You are gonna make me blush more” he smiled. “y/n, you know that I know you fancy me, right? It is pretty obvious… “ You almost spilled out your coke. He continued “And it makes me happy, I really like you and would love to take you on a date” you smiled. “I don’t know what to say, I thought I was pretty good at acting” and you both laughed. “I would love to go out on a date with you” He smiled and you keep eating. Your teamwork was gonna go crazy when you tell them about the date.

HARRY

“You're so addictive Don't you know what I can do To make you feel all right?”

You were having the worst hangover of your life you felt as you slowly were opening your eyes, you didn’t recognize that bedroom and when you looked at your right a boy was sleeping and you were shocked but started to remember. It was Harry Styles, but how??? Last night,  you were having a nice night out with your friends that ended up on a private party in a fancy house of one your best friend's friend and as you were drunker you decided to sit outside when Harry sat next to you. He was trying to escape the loud music so you started talking, time passed by and you started to flirt with each other and then kissing took place and well… you ended up in his place. Back at the present, you were trying to not make any noise but as soon as you got up he woke up and said. “Were you leaving without saying goodbye, y/n?” He said. You were impressed with him remembering your name. You replied “I just wanted some water, my head is killing me” He got up and you both walked to the kitchen, he was serving some water when you noticed he was shirtless, he looked so handsome. When he gave you the water he noticed you were looking at him and he smiled and wink an eye at you. You talked a little bit more and he made you breakfast and you ate it together. You suddenly didn’t felt like a one night stand, he even gave you a kiss when you were done eating. And that’s how you spend all day with him being lazy and recovering from your hangover. He made you feel safe, and even asked you on a real date for the next day.

NIALL

“I can see the way I see the way you look at me And even when you look away I know you think of me I know you talk about me all the time”

You couldn’t remember how you agreed to go to a family reunion at Niall’s hometown. He was one of your closest friends for the past year and you really liked hanging out with him, but when he started to show you his real feelings for you, you got a little bit scared because, to be honest you felt it too but first you were finally getting over your ex-boyfriend and second you didn’t want to lose Niall as your friend so you decided to make him believe or at least tried to make him think you didn’t like him that way and you thought he buys it. So there you were going to meet all his family but also in Dublin because you have never been there. You were surprised because you were having fun and his family was really nice to you, you felt like you belonged. As the reunion went over, he decided that the next day he was going to give you a tour around the city and you were excited. You had a great time and went to amazing places, at the end of the day he invited you to this really nice restaurant. “Y/n, can we be honest for a second please?” He said while he was drinking a bit of wine. “Ok you’re scaring me, but what should we be honest about?” You replied. He smiled and said “I think it’s pretty obvious we’d make a wonderful couple and I know you like me to, I see the way you look at me and please don’t say you don’t want to lose me as a friend because we would have something better than a friendship… could you give us a change? My family already loves you” You went silent and shyly hold his hand. “Niall, I just don’t want us to make a mistake but yes I think this weekend made me realize I can’t pretend I don’t have feelings for you” You replied. “Then don’t, don’t pretend and let’s give us a chance” He went closer and kissed you on the lips, the first but not the last for the 50 years you’d be together after that night.

LIAM

“Cause she's like so, whatever You could do so much better I think we should get together now”

You never thought you’d be as cliché as being in love with your best friend Liam. You tried to make those feelings disappear but as you spend lots of time together you could felt how the feelings were growing and whenever he talked to you about some other girl you got so jealous that sometimes you couldn't even pretend you weren’t mad. “Y/n, you never like the girls I try to date,” He said. “Li, I just think you could do so much better. Don’t you realize how amazing you are? And those girls are like, so whatever. They’re plastic, you couldn’t even have a real conversation with them” You replied. He smiled knowing how much you cared about him. “Yeah, that’s true. But don’t you see I’m waiting for the both of us to be ready for marriage? I’m pretty sure I’m going to marry you someday” He said. You couldn’t help but laughed and be as much as casual as you could. “Yeah, I see us at the altar together in less than five years” You replied. Funny thing you both didn’t know that in 3 years you were going to be living together and a year later married. Life was good and you both were so happy.

Nickname; Just Steph, really. Oh, and “Sis” by my family. How many piercings do you have, and where? 2: 1 in each earlobe. What color are your eyes? Brown. And hair? Naturally dark brown, but I dye it red. Does orange look good on you? Can you pull it off? I don’t think any color looks good on me, but anyway I do have a couple orange shirts.

What do you do when it storms and the power’s out all night? That’s never happened, but I imagine I would just read on my phone or listen to Spotify until I fell asleep. What do you do with yourself when you’re at the beach? My mom, brother, and I like to go and just relax and chill. We don’t even really talk a whole lot, we just kinda zone out. She and my brother usually are lying down with headphones in or taking a nap while tanning, and I just get lost watching the ocean crash in and out and listening to the sound it makes. I just soak it all in. I love it. Are you shy, or no? Very. Have you ever been to St. Augustine? Nope. Have you ever been to Ocala? Nope. Have you ever just been to Florida? Nope. What about Indiana? Nope. Are you nosey? I mean, sometimes I want the “tea” as the kids say about certain things lol. I’ll see a vague status or tweet or something and want to know what it’s in reference to. I’m more nosey when it comes to celebrity gossip stuff, though. Do you “pry”? Well, like with my family I might ask about something in a general way and see what they offer up themselves. If I can tell they don’t want to talk about something then I don’t push it. If it’s someone I don’t know well then no, I don’t ask about it. I am guilty of trying to piece it together myself based on other tweets/statuses when possible, though... :x Why does everyone hate Justin Bieber so much? He did some stupid, douchey things in the past, but it seems he’s grown up now and living the married life. What’s your favorite commercial? I don’t care much for commercials. Do you find me annoying, yet? No. Who has the prettiest eyes you’ve ever seen? Alexander Skarsgard. I’m also quite envious of Paris Jackson’s eyes.  When’s the last time you pulled an all-nighter? I don’t recall. I don’t think I have at all this year thus far. They used to be pretty common for me, but now I can barely stay up until like 2.  What were you doing? During my all nighters? Just watching TV and on Tumblr and/or doing surveys, mostly. Sometimes I played The Sims or colored. Purple on guys; Yes, or no? I don’t care. Do you like Boys Like Girls? I was really into them at one point. Hero/Heroine was my favorite of theirs.  Do you actually try everything on before you buy it? I never do that. I rarely have an issue with something not fitting right anyway. Do you ever actually check the price? Always. I’m not rollin’ in the deep where I can just spend willy nilly.  What’s your favorite candle scent? I really love autumnal scented ones like Bath & Body Works has. Have you ever known anyone with a dog blind in one eye? My dog, Brandie, became blind during the last 3 years of her life due to diabetes.  You do, now. Sortof. Ah. Have you ever been friends with a forgein exchanged student? I don’t think I knew any. Was it sad when they went back to… wherever they came from? Have you ever been given any sort of ring? Yes, as gifts from my parents. The last one I received was a college class ring.  Do you know anyone that works at a tattoo shop? Nope. If you HAD to get a tattoo, what would it be, and where? I’ve wanted ‘free bird’ tattooed on my inner wrist for several years.  Do you own any lockets or charm bracelets? Yeah. The last dress you were in; What’d it look like? It’s white and teal. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars? I never got into it. What’s your favorite nickname of yours? Like I said, I only have 2. What’s one of yours that you HATE? I don’t hate any of them. Maple or hazelnut flavoring? I like both. What’s your favorite Coke product? Coke. What’s the brand of your cell-phone, and the color? A coral Apple iPhone XR. What’s your favorite body-part on the opposite sex? I find that hands can be pretty attractive.  Are you now, or have you ever been, a cheerleader? Nope. Have you heard any of Eminem’s new Recovery songs? They’re not new now, but yeah. Favorite song lyrics; In general? I have too many. Watergun or water-balloon war? Water gun, I guess. I never enjoyed being hit with a water balloon. Have you ever watched Ugly Betty? I think I saw bits here and there. Would running into your ex right now be painful? It’d just be painfully awkward.  What’s the most annoying sound, ever? * Anything loud and beeping and repetitive. I also get rlly aggravated when the television is turned up too loud <<< Same! And eating sounds, like smacking, sucking, slurping.... aljfklsflsdfljks Are you typo-proned? No, but it happens sometimes. How do you feel about Lady GaGa? I like some of her songs. Are the rumors about her true? What rumors? Are you friends with any “trolls”? No. What would you get a boyfriend for his 17th birthday? I’m 30 years old, I wouldn’t be dating a 17 year old or have any idea what to suggest as a gift for one for someone else. Does your hair have a mind of it’s own? It does seem that way. It’s very annoying. Is Dane Cook really all that funny? I don’t think he is. I’m not that familiar with his comedy. Do you watch Glee? Nope. Do you ever shop at Fredflare.com? Nope. I’ve never even heard of it. Do you happen to know anyone named Matty? (Matthew or Matt will suffice) No. What’s he like? Are you always hyper? I’m never hyper. Do you know anyone that’s afraid of elevators? Not severely, but I kind of am, which sucks because I have to use them. Do you like country music? Yeah, some. Y'know. Like, “my mule left me for my sheepdog”; that sorta thing Har har. Do you know any scenesters?!?? Is that still a thing? I wouldn’t know, I’m old and out of the loop. Has any guy ever forgotten your name so often and exclusively that he just started calling you “girl”? Wow, no. Did you have to have braces for awhile, too? :[ Yes, but not for my teeth. Kisses on your cheek, or forehead? I think forehead kisses are cute if they’re from a guy I’m interested in. When’s the last time you wore facepaint? What’d it look like? I don’t recall. Do you still have a teddy-bear lying around somewhere? Not a teddy bear, but several giraffe stuffed animals all around my room. Are you a good-speller? I think so. Do you over-analyze everything, like me? Yeppp. Have you ever rode on the back of a moped? No. Do like Frank Sinatra? I like a couple of his songs. What about Cap'n Jazz? I’m not familiar with them. Is there anything in your room that belongs to a boyfriend, or a friend of the opposite sex? Nope. What’s the brand of the computer or laptop that you’re on? Apple. Are you sitting on your bed? Or a spinny chair?? I’m on my bed. Anyone you can’t get off your mind? No. Have a “bone to pick” with anyone? Nah. What does love feel like? Warm and fuzzy. haha. Who’s your favorite Beatle? I don’t have one. I’m not a big Beatles fan. Like, I like some of their songs, but eh. Does it annoy the hell out of you when people smoke around you? Ugh, yes. Do you like guys with long-ish hair? I personally like short hair on guys. How do you talk when you’re drunk? I usually became quite chatty. Have you ever texted an ex whilst drunk? How’d that go? Yeah. I don’t really remember how the conversation went, that was several years ago now. What do you order at Starbucks? Usually a venti white chocolate mocha with soy, sometimes a caramel macchiato with soy. During the fall and winter I like to get some of the seasonal drinks. Except for pumpkin spice. I know, I know. Shocking, right? Penn Station or Subway? I’ve never been to Penn Station, so I’ll go with Subway. People with addictions are weak. Brutal truth, or “falsies”? I wouldn’t say that at all. Do you have a “gunkle”, like me? [: No. The underwear you’re wearing right now; Describe it. They’re blue. When’s the last time you were on a swing? Not since I was a kid sometime. Whose hand did you last squeeze? My doggo’s. Have you ever actually tied string around a finger? Yes. Wouldn’t that be difficult? It wasn’t that hard. Have you ever been in a cornfield with a boylyfriend? (: “Boylyfriend”... And no. Does baby talk annoy you? No. What’s the last thing you wrote (or drew) on yourself? *shrug* That would have been a long time ago. Can you walk straight in heels? I can’t do that at all. Do you like Eskimo kisses? Sure. When’s the last time you sat (or did anything, I guess) on a rooftop? Never. I’d be way too scared to ever do that. Have you ever heard anyone call kissing “swappin’ spit”? Yeah. Do you have to stand on your tip-toes to kiss your boyfriend? No boyfriend. If I had one, they’d have to bend down to kiss me. Or, have you had to before? Think about your ex. Just do it. How do you feel? I don’t really feel anything regarding them. When’s the last time you lied in bed with the opposite sex. Who was it? I’ve never done that, actually. Have you ever been tackle-hugged? (: Yeah. Have you ever been tackle-hugged into a pool with all your clothes on? Omg, no. That would be very shitty thing to do since I can’t swim and I’m in a wheelchair. Do you own any heart-shaped glasses? Nope. Do you have any photographs on your walls? Yes. Do you own an Ugly Doll? [: No. I’ve never heard of those... Do you overuse :)s, like me? Nah. I don’t go emoji crazy. Do you overuse the word “like”, or “amazing”? Probably “like.” Do you have any crowns? No. Brunette dudes with bleach blonde hair are utterly unattractive. Yes? They can be. Is there anyone that you “see yourself in”, so to speak? No. What’d you last use scissors for? I don’t remember. Have you ever rejected someone’s kiss before? Yes. How well’d that go over with him? (Or her, I’m not judging) They just kept asking for one. Are you really over him, or are you just a great liar? I’m over any guy I’ve had feelings for the past. Whose grave did you last visit? My family members who have passed away have been cremated.  Do you have any polaroids? (pictures) Yeah, several. How many photo-albums do you have? A few. Do you scrapbook? Yes. Have you ever made a PostSecret book? Nope. Have you ever seen The Upside Down Show? No. Is it something children should really watch? I don’t know what it is. What about The Wiggles? I’ve seen parts of it before when my brother was little and yeah I recall it being fine for kids to watch. 

“Fruit salad, yummy, yummy.” Name a song that gives you goosebumps. Hmm. Is it wrong to call things “gay”? I think it’s insulting. What’s the most terrifying thing you’ve ever been through? Almost dying. Is there really such thing as a “chemical imbalance”? Uh, yes. Is love really just a chemical reaction? Sure.

Feelings We Can’t Let Go (A Drarry Fic) CHAPTER SIX

Summary: Harry needs to pass his NEWTs with a decent grade in Potions. The Ministry sends Harry to France so he can study for his exam with none other than Draco Malfoy, who has been blocked from Wizarding Society for almost a year now. It was supposed to be just a few months of tutoring, but it was so much more than that.

Read Chapter One HERE

Read Chapter Two HERE

Read Chapter Three HERE

Read Chapter Four HERE

Read Chapter Five HERE

Quick note: Posting re-edited chapter here and on ao3 again, because I want to improve my English and terrible writing. I added a bit of the text and re-written some parts that didn’t feel right or were ooc in my opinion, I also corrected grammar.

Do let me know what you think of it!

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Soon Draco and Harry were spending most of their free time together, doing whatever they thought of, whether it was cooking, talking, going to museums or spots Harry had never time to visit, or Harry introducing Draco to new muggle things, and they enjoyed it thoroughly.

When Harry suggested that he and Draco made a bet on who was better at sports, both wizarding and muggle ones, Draco was more than happy to agree. They started with an easy one - bowling. The blond was disgusted when he saw that he had to wear rented shoes, so instead he just transfigured his own fancy boots to more suitable ones.  When Harry didn’t bother to do the same, Draco just flicked his wand and in a matter of seconds Harry had unusual, black shoes with silver decorative plant veins on. “I’m not risking opportunity of you getting some weird bacteria on your feet that could potentially transfer through your body and give you an infection, that could later on contaminate me. “

"Thinking about touching my body, are you? Harry teased laughing hard and at the same time making Draco's cheeks rose pink.

"Oh, please, who isn't." Draco drawled, walking over to their bowling station, acting as if Harry's comment did not affect him whatsoever. With two of his hands on his hips he examined the set up for the game. “Do tell me again, am I supposed to throw this ball towards those there?” he pointed to the pins.

“Yep, that’s pretty much it. Don’t get your hopes up though, you could never win the first time you’re playing this.” Harry started picking up balls, trying to determine which one fitted him best. He had been bowling few times with Ron, Dean and Neville the past year, and soon they got extremely addicted to it, and by the fifth time they got very competitive, almost like they were with quidditch (well, except from Neville, he was there just for fun). So Harry was pretty good at bowling and was sure he was going to win.

“Try me, Potter.” Draco moved closer to Harry and raised his eyebrow in challenge. “I’m a quick learner.”

In his first few attempts Draco missed every pin and Harry laughed at all of those occasions, remembering his opponent’s words “Malfoys never lose.” He eventually had to stop, because Draco was getting better and better, and in half an hour Harry was at losing by hundred and fifteen points. The urge to win was burning inside him, it was good kind of fire, the kind that he felt whenever he played a quidditch match against Slytherin, just without actual hatred, all he wanted to do was to win, to see blond’s face when he lost. This fire felt right, it was what he needed now. Something other than wedding planning to occupy his mind.

“So, how is everything going with your training?” They had taken a break to get something to drink and they were sitting on two sofas facing each other. Harry had his legs stretched towards Draco’s, he was drinking soda and studying blond’s hair that was falling to his forehead, and for some reason not sticking to it the way his own hair was. He wondered whether Draco was using some kind of potion for eliminating sweat? Was that why he didn’t have wet stamps under his arms either? He decided he would ask him about it later. He hated that he always sweated so badly during activities, that he looked like cat taken out of water, he needed whatever Draco was using. What did he use on his hair anyway? No one is born with that silvery blond hair. Do wizards use hair dye?

“- dozing off? Why do I even try?” Harry had to snap back from his thoughts and look at the boy in front of him, really look at him. Draco let out a sigh. “Oh finally got your attention. It’s like you’re in your own Wonderland and you’re beginning to get mad.” He ran one hand through his hair, combing it backwards, his other arm placed on the back of the sofa behind his head.

“What?” Harry sat up straight. Did he really just miss whatever the boy said to him, because he was thinking about Draco's hair?  No. He was trying to figure out how they were the way they were. Yes, that’s exactly what he did. Draco stood up, finished the drink he had in his hand and in a matter of seconds the empty glass vanished from his hand.

“I asked you how your training is going, but you kept staring in the distance like someone on crack.” Harry didn’t know if he should be offended or not, but he quickly resigned from doing so when Draco snorted softly and a little smile appeared on his face. Harry couldn’t help, but roll his eyes and smile back.

“My training has been going great, I can even cast fifteen different detecting charms now.”

“Show off.”

“It’s not like I’m the one who just vanished his glass with non-verbal magic." Harry enjoyed this back and forth between them. The eye contact they held made it even more enjoyable. He always had so much fun with Draco, thinking about it, he could actually say that he felt a bit like he actually was in his own Wonderland. No one here except Draco and couple of the employees knew who he was and they didn't really care, they knew him as a crazy guy who managed to spill coke all over himself when he was bringing drinks to his friends. Harry liked that. He felt relaxed wherever he wa with Draco, felt like he could be himself, be open about things that were troubling him and he would get an understanding look and if he was lucky a story from Draco that would make him feel better. Draco was not only his friend, but also his escape from reality and all the things that were going on in his life, escape from Ginny's serious looks when she was trying to get some information about his nightmares or sad face, out of him. He was Harry's escape from Hermione's worried looks and countless leaflets that advertised good mind healers, or books about mental health, or just her wanting to talk. He loved Hermione and he usually talked to her about a lot of things that were on his mind, she understood him best, she was with him through good and bad, but Harry found himself not wanting to share certain things with her. A, he was afraid of her getting even more protective of him, treating him as a hurt puppy or making him go to all of those mind healer visits; B, he just didn't feel like it. It was weird, they knew each other for so long and shared so many experiences, yet Harry thought that she wouldn't understand some things as good as Draco would. It was crazy, but everytime Harry shared a piece of him with Draco he got something back, not a pity, he got an honest opinion on the matter, maybe a pint, someone that understood some aspects of his logic and some of his fears better than anyone else, a distraction, very rarely a warm body to hold at night, and most importantly a piece of Draco back. He was so different in handling Harry's moods than anyone else, yet so perfect, as if it was his job. Draco was Harry's shield from everything bad surrounding him.

“Oh, please, muggles are blind, I used to be afraid of doing magic in front of them, but since I accidently used reparo next to a teenager in a bookshop and she told me I was a cool 'magician'-” Draco made quotation mark with the two of his hands in the air. “-I stopped caring. People take me as a muggle who can do tricks, can you believe? So no matter what I do, we’re safe.” He walked down to the bowling track and picked up one of the balls and held it close to his chest. “Are we still playing, or are you admitting to being defeated by the invincible Malfoy power?” If Harry didn’t know better he would have said that the look Draco gave him was flirtatious, but it couldn't have been, he was just challenging him.

“You wish.” Harry marched to the track, took one of the greenish balls and threw it at the pins, so hard that he hit all of them.

“That was a bit dramatic.” Draco teased.

"Tell me again that I'm dramatic, when you start one of your  "I'll die, Harry!" rants, while laying on the floor in your living room. It usually happens before your work on Wednesday, when you know you'll have to deal with Lindsay , Emily and Marcus by yourself." Draco growled at him.

“Anyways, it's your turn, Mr. 'I’m the best at every game, because of my gens'.” Harry leaned on the wall behind him and watched Draco, trying to make the boy pick up the challenge. Draco reacted immediately, which made Harry smile widely and he bit down on his lower lip. The blond hit eight pins, he would have hit nine, the ninth pin shook for a second, but stayed still in the end. The fear of losing to Harry wasn't really visible on Draco’s face, but his shoulders went stiff and the way he was biting the inside of his cheek gave his true feelings away.

They kept playing for another hour, doing the best they could to outdo each other, teasing each other, laughing and deciding on what punishment the loser will get after the game. Draco ended up winning by ten points, TEN STUPID POINTS. Harry was so close to winning, but then Draco hit all of the pins and LITERALLY pat himself on the back saying 'you did amazing Draco, I’m so proud of you' and Harry couldn't help doubling over with laughter despite the shock of losing.

Later on that night Harry had to wear fake rabbit ears and nose to the chinese restaurant they were heading to. He received many funny looks from the people on the streets and inside the restaurant. He felt his face heating up more as the minutes went by and every time he had to explain to the few kids that asked, that he in fact had an accident in his job and those items had stuck to his face and head. Draco tried to muffle his laughter with his hand, but failed when a little girl asked Harry if he was one of 'Humpty-Dumpty’s assistants', he held his hand on stomach and laughing hysterically to the point where his eyes filled with tears.

“Are you quite done yet?” Harry asked bluntly, glaring at Draco and putting a fork full of spicy noodles in his mouth.

“This is-” he covered his mouth again, his cheeks were filled out with air and his eyes were shut. Harry kept reaching to his plate for more food, which made all this situation bearable. " This is the best day of my life. I have to win more often.” Harry had rarely seen Draco so happy and vibrant, it was quite a beautiful view, he never smiled like that back at Hogwarts. Harry wanted to keep this expression on boy's face forever.

Harry shook his head in annoyance, but smiled. “I’m never letting you win again.” Draco took a bite of his noodles and watched Harry with intensity. “I’m going to make you regret ever winning and making up this horrendous punishment.”

“You mean, if you win. Don’t be so sure that you can win the broom race. I’ve been training since last year and I got even better than I was back at Hogwarts.”  The boy said when he chewed up his food.

“You’re being hopeful, Draco. I had time for some practice too.”

“Then we’ll see who is best on Friday.”

Next week Draco won the broom race indeed, but decided to only make Harry make them food while Draco read “Beauty and The Beast” out loud making comments every now and then on how 'impossible and illogical' those characters were and how Belle could have just made a rope out of her sheets, broke the window, stolen the horse and escaped home. Harry liked having Draco ranting about muggle books and being the smartass he was. It made him smile while he cooked pumpkin soup and baked brownies that Draco loved to death. It was almost like they lived together, almost like they were .... Harry stopped breathing for a moment in realisation of where his mind went, it wasn’t just it, Draco was standing behind him and looking over his shoulder.

“Did you add parsley and basil?” Harry inhaled deeply for no reason other that he wasn’t expecting Draco to show up so close to him.

“Of course I did. I’m a good cook, remember?” He turned his head towards the boy behind him. They looked at each other for a longer second, Draco’s eyes traveled down to Harry’s lips and he momentarily stepped back from Harry before Harry could react or think anything. He opened one of the cupboards and burrien his head there, shifting his hands through the spices. Harry looked down to pot embarrassed and started stirring the soup like his life depended on it. The situation was awkward, SO AWKWARD. Harry didn’t even know how to interpret it. Why did Draco look at his lips? And why did he get all weird about it? He was clearly embarrassed by the situation, but why? There were so many questions and no answer.

None of them said a word for a few seconds. Harry decided to break the silence. “Did you find what you were looking for to make the soup better?” Why was his voice so shaky, damn it?!

Draco turned back to Harry, but avoided looking directly into his eyes.

“Yes, you never remember to add smoked paprika, it makes food tastier.” He rushed to the pot and stood beside Harry, though not touching any part of his body to Harry’s which for some reason made Harry a bit upset. He got too used to having Draco being comfortable with having some physical contact when they hang out, now that it was missing he was worried if the bond between them just broke.

“You’re right” Harry said mindlessly. “I’ll be back in a minute.” Without waiting for response he rushed to the bathroom. When he got there, he uncorked the cold water and splashed some of it on his face. He did that several times. Why was he so hot?! Why did Draco make him feel like this? This was crazy. He was going mad. He didn’t have feelings for Draco. He just didn’t. Well, at least not like 'love' ones, he liked him, but he liked him as a FRIEND. Or did he? His heart wouldn’t stop racing. Oh God, he was going insane. Or maybe Draco was the one that was the problem. Maybe Draco just felt lonely and knowing that Harry had someone and Draco didn’t, he craved sexual… intimacy. No matter who was it. He might be frustrated. Right, yes, that has to be it. Draco is just lonely and wants what Harry has with Ginny. The tension fell from Harry’s shoulders and he felt his heartbeat slowing down.

“Draco.” Harry said as soon as he approached the kitchen were Draco stood over the boiling pots, his eyes fixed on the swirling liquid.

“Leave it, Potter.” he murmured not looking at Harry. He was sad. Harry was sure he was right, the other boy just needed a woman in his life.

“Listen to me and no, don’t say a word until I’m done.” he said when the blond turned his face towards him and opened his mouth. Draco's eyes went wide, and he set down the wooden spoon, with which he was stirring the soup. “I know what seems to be the problem there.”

“Pot-Harry, just let it go.” Draco’s voice was serious, but shaky.

“I told you not to interrupt me.” Harry marched towards Draco, but the boy moved away from him. “I know why you’re like that.” Harry tried to speak as softly as he could as to keep the blond in this room.

“You do?” Draco inhaled sharply.

“You’re just lonely and you crave attention of a woman. Before you say anything, I’ll help you find one.” Harry smiled to reassure his friend of his words.

“No, you don’t-”

“Of course I know, you’re jealous of my relationship with Ginny, I have something that you don’t and you simply want it. It’s a normal human reaction, I mean, to be jealous and sad."

‘No, I’m not, Harry-” Draco was frustrated, Harry could see it on his face. He picked the spoon up again, holding it in his hand so tight that his knuckles went white.

“It’s okay to feel that way.”

“HARRY!” Harry instantly looked Draco in the eyes. It was rare for the boy to raise his voice. “You’re wrong and I don’t need a woman, which you seemed to assume is a fact. I don’t know why you thought of that, but I simply got interested in your ... in your lips, because they are blue.” He sounded very convincing and not at all like he was just trying to finish this conversation. “Did you even notice that when you went to the toilet or are you that blind? And with your glasses on?” Harry touched his lips, pulled on the bottom lip with his fingers and looked down, sadly he couldn’t see anything, but the inside of his mouth. He rushed to the toilet. Fuck. His lips really were blue, how did he not see that before? Well that at least explained the awkward situation and why Draco did stare at his lips. They both might have just read each other incorrectly. Harry came back to the kitchen were Draco was sitting by the table with two bowls of steaming soup there waiting to be eaten.

“Do you believe me now?” Draco asked with no venom. Harry nodded and sat on the chair that had a bowl of soup in front of it.

“How did you not notice it earlier?”

“The bigger question is how you didn't notice." Draco snorted. "Anyway I might have been too busy reading the book. And, you stood with your back to me.” Draco responded quickly, almost like it was the answer to some test that he knew, because he learned it word to word.

“Why do I have blue lips?” Something still wasn’t making sense.

“It’s cold outside. We were out for more than an hour, your lips turn different colors in that weather." That made sense. “Can we eat now? I’m starving and I bet you are too.”  They ate their food and managed to switch the subject to new Quidditch teams that were being formed after the new year, then they talked about some other books Draco read in the past days, discussing some scenes Draco thought could be improved. It was nice, cozy, and Harry didn’t want the night to end. He wanted to stay and keep talking to Draco. He didn’t want to come home, not even the thought of Ginny waiting for him in bed made him feel other way around.

“Thank you, Harry. The soup and the brownies were really nice.” Draco said when they were cleaning up. Harry had to stop doing the dishes to look up at Draco. He had sincere smile on his face. “You are an amazing cook.”

“You helped me with the soup.” Harry blurted out, mostly, because he didn’t know what to say.

“Can’t you just take the compliment?”  

“Okay, thank you, you happy?

“Yes.” Draco grinned at him.

Harry was happy now that Draco and him started hanging out more, the blonde began to regain his strength; the colors were back on his no longer pale face; he didn't look like a skeleton anymore, bwell he still was underweight, but he was getting better and that's what mattered. Draco also smiled and laughed a lot more than he used to before, which warmed Harry's heart.

“Aren’t you supposed to be back home?” Draco said after a while and  took a bite of his half finished brownie then licked the fork clean. Harry knew it was a cue for him to go, but he didn’t want to go. He felt warmth in his stomach and a sweet taste of chocolate goodness on his lips. He wanted to stay for few more minutes, okay maybe hours. He had no responsibilities here and he could just be himself, he wasn’t surrounded by people constantly telling him what he should do and treating him like he was made out of glass. Draco treated him like a human, he called him out on his bullshit and talked to him about subjects he actually wanted to talk about. Time spent with Draco always made him feel … almost free, even when they went out, they rarely choose wizard spots to hang out, so Harry wasn't oppressed by people. He would have never thought that he would feel relaxed and happy in Draco Malfoy’s company, but now that he did, he couldn’t stop wanting to stay in this bubble for as long as he could. It was a weird feeling, yet somehow it started to become very natural to feel that way.

“Are you tired of me?” Harry wiped his hand on a dishcloth, walked to Draco and looked down at him.

“Yes, I actually need some space away from you and your tiring personality.” Draco flicked away a strand of hair from his eyes in diva kind of gesture.

“Alright, then. You will never see me again Mr. Malfoy.” Harry tried to sound serious, but he knew he couldn't keep a wide smile off his face. Draco’s eyes shined as the boy bit his bottom lip and gave Harry a questioning look.

“Oh, Mr. Potter, you won’t be missed, I assure you.” He stood up so that they were facing each other and having an eye battle before they both burst out laughing.

“I’m leaving.” Harry put one hand on Draco shoulder and was surprised the boy didn’t pull away. “But I’m going to beat you at Seeker's game very soon.”

“Sure you will.” The boy inhaled. Harry was about to turn back and apparate, but then Draco spoke again. “I meant what I said before, It was a really nice day, thank you.” The words made Harry want to touch the boy again, maybe even hug him. They’ve never hugged before, well, they did slept next to each other, spooning, but they weren't hugging constantly, like, it wasn't something they did.

But boy’s tone was so full of emotion, the words were sincere.

“You’re welcome. I had an amazing time as well, I always do with you.” He couldn’t help himself, he just said and waited for a response. Draco’s eyes burned into his, and Harry suddenly couldn’t breathe. He panicked and disapparated from Draco’s flat.

When he stepped into his house he was greeted by angry looks from Hermione and Ginny.

What just happened with Draco already made him want to go to bed and rethink everything, but THIS! Dealing with two scary women was even worse.

“Where were you?!” Ginny exploded walking up to him. “Harry, we were worried!” She searched for his eyes. He couldn’t look her straight in the eyes, he wasn’t sure if it was because he was stressed out, or because all he could see now were silver eyes filling up with joy; and he couldn’t risk getting lost in them now.

“Harry? Is everything alright? Did something happen?” A light hand laid on his arm, it wasn’t Ginny’s. It was warm and reassuring, Hermione was almost always able to calm him down and help him out, but sometimes she was going a bit too far with taking care of him.

Harry could handle himself. Yes, he still had times that he wasn’t feeling his best, times when all he wanted to do was to scream and cry, times when he thought that it would be much better if he decided to stay dead during the war, times when he had self doubt. But he was handling himself the best he could and his training going well was a proof of that. He was capable of casting more protecting and detecting spells, so he could protect himself and save people from dangerous curses. He still was haunted by nightmares, but weren’t they all? He wasn’t the only one who lost loved ones. He wasn’t the only one who was left broken. WHY DID THEY TREAT HIM LIKE SOMEHOW HE WAS MORE BROKEN?! WHY?!

“Met up with Neville and Seamus for drinks, forgot to tell you, I’m sorry, won’t happen again.” He murmured, still not looking at his fiancée and his friend. He had to lie, they didn’t know that he and Draco kept meeting up. He stopped talking about him to them. Harry thought that them hanging out irritated Ginny, he knew it irritated Ron, purely because he didn’t understand why Harry would do so, but Ginny… he wanted to make her feel like she was his priority. He also knew how his fiancée felt about the blond.

“Oh.” Ginny sighed. That’s when Harry gathered the courage to look at woman in front of him. “That’s fine then.” She was nervous and angry, Harry could see it, though her face softened and she gave him a slight smile. “Just tell me next time, okay?” Harry nodded slowly. The girl cupped his jaw with her hand and captured Harry’s lips in a gentle, long  kiss. He felt nothing, that’s why he didn’t respond to it. WHY DIDN’T HE FEEL SOMETHING?! He should have felt something. It was Ginny. GINNY - his soon to be wife, and he felt nothing when she kissed him. NOTHING. He needed to go to sleep. He was way too tired to think about it now. He excused himself, reassuring Hermione that he was fine and he’ll feel better tomorrow. He went to the bathroom, showered, put on his boxers and a night shirt and went to bed, not waiting for Ginny to come, he fell asleep. She wouldn't be happy about Harry having more fun with Draco than he did with her, she surely wouldn't

Days spent with Harry were one of the most joyous moments of Draco’s life, since they decided to call truce they have been meeting up almost everyday, they couldn’t get enough of each other. Draco smiled more, he was more optimistic than ever and more energetic than he had been in years. It was all because of the brunette’s presence and the easy way their new friendship was developing. Every meeting felt like stepping out of the persona that Draco was putting out everyday, he no longer wore his composed face, he laughed, allowed himself to show more emotions than he would with anyone else; his shoulders weightless, he could be his true self, without the need to put on a show, so people liked him. Not only that made Draco feel his best, but also the fact that the boy who was spending the time with him, knew him so well, knew his good and bad sides, yet still decided to treat Draco like a normal human being. They both were aware of their past, they just didn’t talk about it if there wasn’t a good reason to do so. They chose to live in the present, start a new life. Draco did apologize to Harry for his behaviour back at Hogwarts and during the war countless times, and Harry had to tell him 'We're fine now, Draco. I've forgiven you a long time ago.'.

Draco was grateful that Harry never brought up times before and during the war, they both knew what happened, they told each other almost everything when they were in France. Oh, France, if he could only go back in time and do something, anything, that would make a difference of how their last morning there looked like. But then again, what could have he done? It’s not like things would have been perfectly fine and not weird at all if Draco decided to open his eyes when Harry kissed his cheek. He would have probably been speechless, incapable of forming any sensible words, and Harry would probably have been embarrassed and confused, he would have probably said that meant nothing and that their whole friendship was a mistake. That would have hurt Draco way more than pretending it never happened. He wasn’t ready to hear the denial, even if he knew that some part of Harry regretted it; or maybe he just didn’t remember that kiss. Why would he? He is straight and has a fiance. Harry would never kiss Draco willingly, he must have been under some kind of weird influence.

The Golden Boy never left Draco’s mind, he was there when they were together, he was there when they were apart, when Draco was working, when he was making his food late at night, when he was falling asleep, when he was waking up. His thoughts wandered to Harry one way or another and Draco hated himself for that. Falling for your ex-rival turned friend, engaged, straight man wasn’t the best thing to do. Unfortunately the more time Draco spent with Harry the harder it was not to do so. He was brilliant, they shared the same interest and always became happier around each other, they knew each other’s body language, they knew how to act around each other, how to make the other feel better. There were moments that confused Draco, the moments when there would be this undeniable tension between them when they held eye contact for a little bit too long for it to feel casual.

*****

“Draco!” Harry screamed, apparating into Draco’s living room, dressed in a dark gray, puffy jacket.

“There is no need for screaming that loud.” Draco closed the distance between them.

“Maybe I wouldn’t have to scream if we weren’t running late.” Harry took one step forward. “...aaaand if I knew you were just here, being lazy.” Draco rolled his eyes at the comment, but snorted and smiled looking at his friend.

“Maybe I would be ready if you had invited me earlier than ten minutes ago.” Now they were both grinning.

“Okay, alright, mister 'I don’t do spontaneous meetings' ” the dark haired boy playfully pushed Draco’s shoulder with his hand.

“You know I don’t like spontaneous meetings.” He summoned his coat and the rest of his warm clothes. “I don’t have time to get ready, and besides...” Draco put black scarf around his neck. “-I could have been doing something.” He tried to look pretentious, but Harry just gave him a 'seriously?' kind of look. “Okay, I wasn’t busy, happy?”

“Yes, actually, if feels pretty good to be right.” A huge smile appeared on the other boy’s face. “Now, are you ready?” They were about to head off to the amusement park. Harry bought them the tickets without even asking Draco if he was busy, first. He gave the boy about ten minutes to respond and get ready. This was another thing about Harry, he liked being spontaneous and take Draco to all kinds of muggle places by surprise. He pushed Draco’s boundaries like no one ever did.  

He looked excited as he stood there in front of Draco, waiting for him with a smile on his face. Draco took a deep breath.

“I am, although I don’t know if I’m properly dressed. I don’t remember you mentioning any dress code.”

“There is none, you can go there looking your gorgeous self, just like that, and everybody will admire you.” It was a simple sentence, but it made Draco warm inside and he had to look away from the brunette to avoid the eye contact.

“Yeah, right. Let’s go then. I hope I won’t regret this.” Draco still focusing on the wall behind Harry held out his arm towards the boy.

“The worst thing that will happen is that you’ll have fun, which I know must be scary.” Harry sang theatrically.

“Ha, ha, very funny.” Draco now had to look at the other’s boy emerald green eyes. When Harry held his gaze, he took the boy’s hand  as quickly as he could to mask how affected by simple eye contact he was. “Are you taking us there or are we not running late, like you said earlier?” Harry clenched his hand in Draco’s  and they were gone.

When they stepped into the even area they were greeted with booming noise of the people either having fun or dying. Draco looked at all the attractions as they walked through the amusement park. There were really high tracks in the air with some vehicle on it with multiple seats, it went all the way up and then slipped down. All the people riding it were screaming. Draco swallowed heavily. He did just fine with heights, he played quidditch, he had to, but this machine was out of his control and that's what made it scary. There was a ride called 'ferris wheel', Harry explained to him how did it and every other machine worked, but refused to tell him how does it feel to be on them. Later on he admitted that he actually never been able to come here and it was his first time.

They went on a few rides, Harry had to challenge Draco to do so, because when he saw people getting sick on the rides he immediately wanted to apparate home. There was no way he was getting embarrassed in front of others, or especially Harry. The ride that went up, and then had sudden fall was so terrifying that Draco had to hold onto the the barriers, that kept him safe, very tightly. Though what took his breath away was not the fall alone, but a gentle hand on his own, squeezing it and giving Draco a mini heart attack. The gesture alone left Draco speechless for long time after they got off the ride.

After that they decided to take a bit of a break, just walking around, drinking soda and eating candy floss. As the late afternoon drew closer, the crowd was getting bigger, whole families with their kids back from school arriving. At one point Draco noticed that Harry was breathing very quickly and then taking really deep breaths and starting the whole process again. Draco took brunette’s hands in his, which took a lot of courage from him, and tried the best he could to calm Harry down. It must have been the crowd, Draco didn’t feel good himself, but he figured it would be bigger disaster if they both had panic attack rather than just Harry. The fear of being seen so vulnerable was stronger than his anxiety. He had to be the composed one.

“Harry, listen, you need to start breathing normally. I’m going to take you away from here, but you have to calm down first.” He tried his best to sound as soft and as quiet as he could. Harry didn’t respond, his breathing became even faster. His face turned towards Draco, but he wasn't really looking at him, and his whole body was shaking. Draco’s heart was going to escape his chest if he didn’t to something quickly. Harry might pass out, he knew that from his own experience. He dragged the boy to the nearest spot without any people.  “Harry, please.” he whispered, so that only Harry would hear him. “Breath with me, okay? Look at me and breath with me.” He didn’t want to do it, but he had to, he touched Harry’s cheek and then chin so that the boy would focus on him and him alone. When he got his attention Harry was trying to say something, but only gasps escaped his mouth. “Harry, you’re fine. I’m taking you away from here, okay? You need to calm down, so you want get injured or Merlin knows what.” He started to deeply breath in and then after a few seconds breath out. He counted the breaths in and out to show Harry how it worked and then proceed with looking into Harry's eyes, encouraging the boy to mirror the exercise. He held Harrys hands and mindlessly stated drawing circles with his thumb on one of them. He repeated the breathing technique until Harry started to breath with him in the same tempo. He apparated them to his flat as soon as Harry looked a bit better.

******

“Thank you.” Harry said later when they were sitting on the sofa and drinking chamomile tea.

“That's alright, you’d have done the same for me if I was in your place.” He observed Harry, looking up from his newspaper. The whole page was filled with 'cute', coupley pictures of Harry and Weasley-girl, predictions about their wedding, and letters from famous tailors who volunteered to sew the wedding dress and the suit. Most of the ideas were awful, they had absolutely no taste in fashion! Who would want to wear a fiery red dress with real lion’s hair on it? Even Weasleys had standards, besides, the happy couple weren’t going to pick any of those fashion designers projects, for all Draco knew. Harry told him Weasley’s mother is doing all the wedding work.

“Any new scandals about me?” The other boy’s voice made him look in his direction.

“No, just people wanting to kiss your ass.”

“Nothing new then.”

“No.”

They sat in silence until Harry blurted out. “They want me to become an auror.”

“Pardon?” Draco responded without a clue what Harry was saying.

“The ministry.” The boy specified. “They want me to become an auror, they said I’ll be much better there than in curse-breaking departament.” It was not unusual for Harry to talk a lot about his problems, but he never made himself center of attention, he always listened to Draco rant for hours about his patients and co-workers or something he didn't understand or was passionate about.

“Come again.”

“Robards himself came to me yesterday and offered a brief auror training, so I can become one as quickly as possible. They are still chasing some dark wizards and they need my help. I didn’t know what to say.” He sighed deeply and his hands fell into his lap heavily. “I just... I mean - what was I supposed to tell him? That I’m not really interested in that? That I don’t want to save people anymore, that I don’t want to risk my life like that? Maybe I would have done that before I saw how manipulative they were and how they could fuck me and people close to me, over. ” Draco put down his magazine and went up to sit beside Harry.

“Please tell me you didn’t accept the offer, because if you did, then I will be convinced that you are awful decision maker and total twat.”  

They’ve been there already. It was not the first time Harry mentioned that ministry wanted to make him a pawn in their game. They needed Harry’s fame and talent in their departament. Harry usually got what he wanted, he could be assertive and intimidating if he wanted to, and with Draco's help he knew how to word himself better to succeed. But now that once MInistry told him that if he declined their offer they would reconsider Hermione's position at the department of Law, Harry started to panic, he didn't want to be the reason his friend is losing her job. They could probably fire Ron as well and maybe even do something to Ginny. If the MInistry knew Harry was hanging out with Draco, they would probably redo his trial from years ago and plead him guilty, Harry knew they were capable of doings so, or even worse. He didn't want to risk anyone's life.

“I didn’t!” He looked like a hurt puppy with his frown like that. “But that’s not the point,” he rested his cup of tea on the table. He started rubbing his hands together.  “They said that if I won’t go with their plan then-”

“This is bollocks, Harry! I thought you would stand up for yourself, you of all people can do that much."

“And I did!” Harry got up from the couch, the furious and resigned expression on his face.

“Did you?” Draco decided to get up, he wasn’t going to speak to the boy from the couch.

“Of course I did! I told them that I’m not getting into this mess, I left the details and personal feelings out of it, but I said no.” He was pacing around the room now. Draco watched the boy pull on his green jumper in frustration. It was making Draco's head hurt.

“So what seems to be the problem?" He rubbed his temples. "And please stop circling the room."  Harry did. "Is the problem the guilt you feel? You think you should join them to save innocent lives?” Harry’s eyes said it all. Draco was right. “Haven’t you’ve done that enough in a war and before that?!” Now Draco was getting angry. The ministry has been pressuring Harry for years now, and he with his Gryffindor lion heart was blaming himself for doing what he wanted in life.

“They said that even if I pass the curse-braking training, they won’t give me the job in the fields.” His voice was shaking. It clearly meant a lot to him not to have a desk job, and Draco understood that, he wouldn’t have liked that either. The brunette ran his hands through his hair and pushed them back. His hair longer now, almost like back in fourth year, it fell behind his ear and a little more. He was utterly attractive even now, frustrated, with dark circles under his eyes, his glasses slightly lopsided to the right and his creased sweater. How could anyone resist this man? Draco knew he couldn’t, he was getting so close with Harry and it was becoming impossible not to think about them being together and domestic with each other. He wanted to have Harry for himself, to keep him close whenever things went bad at work, whenever he couldn't sleep, when he was being too serious and killing the happy mood, when he woke up, when he was happy or just making food. He wanted to spend all his life with Harry by his side. They thought each other so much, gave each other so much comfort and made each other happy. If Harry wasn't engaged and was interested in men, maybe then they would have had a chance of being in relationship, and a loving one.  Draco knew there was something between them, but either Harry wasn't telling him that because of his fiancée or because he truly didn't know he was attracted to man. The uncertainty was killing Draco.

His crush was getting worse, his heart was aching with fire that he never experienced. If he could he would choose to feel nothing at all, nothing, so he could never get hurt by his own emotions.

“You’ve to get out of there. What other choice do you see? I know it’s totally your decision and it only depends on you if you want to listen to my advice and your own heart and get this over with. I hate seeing you like this, all it does is make you grumpy and less fun to be around especially when you come here and throw hexes at my wall. It makes me feel depressed, and I don’t need more depressing stuff in my life." Draco felt a little guilty about making it sound like it was about him, but he hoped it would have some effect on the other boy as Harry always seemed concerned about his well-being.

“I don’t know what am I going to do.” Harry murmured sitting back down and taking his cup in his hands. Draco used non verbal spell to quickly heat up Harry’s tea without the boy noticing. He was too stressed out to care what Draco was doing. A little smile appeared on his face when the warm liquid touched his lips and Draco smiled at that sight.

They spent the rest of the night reading books on separate couches.

“What’s wrong?” Ginny’s concerned voice got Harry out of thinking about how miserable (and drunk) he felt, how awful his training was and how all he wanted to do was to cry, and maybe curl up on Draco's sofa with more alcohol, listening to Draco's soft voice reading yet another muggle book and leaving funny comments from time to time. Sadly, he was sitting in his kitchen with a bottle of firewhiskey, trying to drink his sadness away.

“Nothing." He muttered, more to the bottle than to his fiance’s face. He couldn’t bring himself to care. He didn’t feel like talking to Ginny about all of this. He couldn’t form sentences, his tongue was twisting and his head was pulsing. Apart from that, he knew she wouldn’t understand him and would try to make him feel better by telling him what she thought he wanted to hear, not what he needed to hear.

“Why are you so cold towards me these days?” She raised her voice, hitting a more accusing tone. "Yesterday you didn't even come to bed, you fell asleep on the couch. And last Friday you cancelled our dinner date. You never want to talk about the wedding planning, you seem like you don't even want it to happen anymore. All I got from you this morning was 'gotta go.', a kiss on the head and not even a 'thank you' for making you breakfast. On top of it all, you never share your feelings with me, and I'm here to help you, Harry." Harry looked up at her. He did feel guilty about all the things she mentioned, but at the same time he thought she was being a bit too harsh on him.

Ginny's lip trembled, but she stayed untouched by the whole situation. “Is it because of Malfoy? I know you're seeing him again, I'm nor blind or stupid. What did he do to you? I bet he’s telling you to break things off with me, he wants you all to himself.” Harry gasped, he was drunk, but not too drunk not to understand what she was saying. Ginny’s was furious, though her expression didn’t show that, it was only her eyes and eyebrows that told Harry that she in fact was hurt and angry.

“What?!” Harry opened his eyes wide in shook. He swallowed thickly. “I-Are.... We- What?!” Harry couldn’t form any kind of response. “Of course not!” His breathing began to fasten. Ginny gave him an odd look that he couldn’t recognize. She threw a piece of paper on the table, so that Harry could see the content of it. He took a look at it immediately. He inhaled deeply again. There, in front of him was a moving photo of Draco who was pulling Harry closer to himself with an amused smile on his face, both of them giggled. The blush on both of their cheeks clearly visible as they looked away from each other.

It was the day they had an ice skating competition. Harry suddenly didn’t know how to breath. He didn’t know they were being watched back then. He didn’t think the reporters were following him even to muggle parts of London. He remembered that day, it was about two weeks ago, him and Draco had some of the new ice cream flavour from their favourite spot, they went home to get warm, cooked vegetarian lasagna, talked about new Quidditch teams, drank some mulled wine, shared their stories from first year at Hogwarts and laughed a lot. They ended up falling asleep by the fire, away from each other, but after Draco woke up screaming for his life after a terrible nightmare that involved fire, Harry took him into his arms, put out the fire and led Draco to his room where they fell asleep holding onto each other, which no longer was weird. This day made Harry feel so many emotions at once, but also was one of his favorite days ever.  

Harry felt anger building up in him. He wanted to cry, he wanted to scream. His meeting with the blonde boy was supposed to be only his and Draco’s moment. No one else’s. Harry hated being famous. He hated it with passion, especially today. “Draco has done nothing wrong!” He screamed, he didn’t intend to. Ginny had no right to accuse Draco of such things, Harry told her a million times about Draco becoming one of his best friends and how much he changed. “And I’m allowed not to tell you things I don’t want to share with you.”

Judging by Ginny’s expression she didn’t see that coming. Harry stood up, ready to apparate the fuck away from here, he wanted to be alone, somewhere where he didn’t have  to deal with the red haired woman glaring at him.

“We’re getting married for Merlin's sake!” Ginny shouted, her eyes beginning to water. “We’re getting married and you don’t trust me!” She stood up to. Now they were both glaring at each other, the kitchen table serving as a safe space between them. "I thought everything was going well, I thought you loved me. Everything was like a fairy tale, until you suddenly became almost repellent by me."

“That’s not true! You just don’t like Draco and you’re making things up!” Harry took few steps back and brought the whiskey bottle to his mouth to take another gulp of it.  "And 'a fairy tale', Ginny? My life is not a fairy tale and it will never be one! If you expected to marry a prince harming or a hero, then you choose the wrong guy." He felt his throat burning and another warm sensation going down his whole body as he took another shot of the alcohol in hi hand. He began to have trouble standing straight. His legs felt like jelly.

“I have my reasons to hate Malfoy, and you of all people should understand it!” Ginny snapped. “I didn't expect my life to be a bloody fairy tale, Harry, it's an expression! I meant that we were doing so well, we were so in love... well, I was, am still.” With a flick of her wand Ginny managed to snap the bottle from Harry’s hands. Her eyes filled with tears.

“What the fuc-” Harry started, but he didn’t get the chance to finish because Ginny continued to shout at him.

“You spend all of your free time with him! Don't you? Every time you said you were meeting up with Seamus, Neville or Dean, or telling me that your training will be finishing late at night; you were with him." She was smart, Harry had to give her that. "Maybe you should marry him instead of me! If he’s so precious to you, more trustworthy than I, the woman you decided to propose to, am, then go ahead!” She threw the whiskey bottle out of the window, hearing it crash on the concrete of the yard. Now that Ginny found out about him and Draco and was incredibly rude about it, he couldn't take it anymore.

Harry apparated to one place he wanted to be in, Draco’s flat. He felt dizzy as he landed, full body on the floor of Draco’s living room. His head felt heavier and heavier at every attempt he tried to stand up.

“H-Harry!” Draco’s terrified voice reached Harry’s ears. "You bloody idiot, what have you done?" He couldn’t understand any word after that, he heard beeping in his ears and the loud thumping of his heart. Harry felt himself being lifted up sat somewhere soft. His eyes remained closed, the room was far too bright for his liking. Surprisingly enough the lights in the room darkened a bit, that made Harry open his eyes. He saw a fuzzy image of Draco on his knees. Harry blinked a few times to see the boy clearer. His face was a mixture of worry and concentration. He was holding one of Harry’s arms and HOLY SHIT! HIS WHOLE ARM WAS DRIPPING IN BLOOD. HOW HAD HE NOT FELT THAT?! Draco had his wand right above the cuts, he was murmuring some spells that Harry did not recognize. The blood was vanished away leaving Harry’s arm bare with only few visible cuts that were beginning to close and turning a lighter colour. They almost looked like healing burns. Harry’s headache was getting worse which resulted in him shutting his eyes again and letting out a growl.

“Drink that.” Draco commanded, putting a small, cold object in Harry’s hand as soon as he finished healing his wounds and noticed that the boy was awake. Harry closed his hand around it. It was some sort of glass, a bottle maybe. “Harry.” A soft voice reached his ears and a light hand landed on his back. “You’ll feel way better, just drink it.” There was something comforting in the other boy’s touch, something that made Harry trust the boy with the thing he gave him. Harry opened his eyes and took a look at Draco’s face that was in front of him. They stayed silent. Harry looked away and to the object in his hand. It was a phial with some potion. He looked back at the boy. Draco looked into his eyes and gave Harry a little nod. Harry uncorked the bottle, put it to his lips and drank it. His body responded to it immediately. His head stopped hurting, his body didn’t feel like he was going to fall over anymore, his muscles seemed to have restored their power. “Better?” Draco took his hand from his back, and Harry already missed it being there.

“Yeah.” Harry whispered. Draco didn’t take his gaze away from Harry for even a second. He looked... sad, but relieved. His shoulders fell and he rolled down the sleeves of his dark blue nightgown.

“What happened?” Draco’s voice haven’t lost the softness that it had since Harry apparated here. Harry wasn’t sure he wanted to talk about it. Especially with Draco. He just wanted to stay around the boy for now. “If you don’t want to talk then…-”

“NO! I-I just...I don’t know.” Harry let his hands fall between his legs. He looked around the room, and realized it wasn’t the room he remember ever seeing in Draco’s flat. It had a wooden desk and a chair, few art pieces on the gray wall that gave the room a bit of life, a lot of cupboards and a desk with the cauldron on it. Harry was sitting on the comfortable sofa in the corner of said room and Draco was right in front of him, still crouching on his knees.

“It’s fine. The guest room is on the - well you know where it is." A little sigh escaped blonde's mouth as he stood up. “Just tell me if you need anything.” He looked almost disappointed at the fact that Harry wasn’t going to share with him his night story, share with him why he was such a mess. “Let me know, really.” Draco gave him a small smile. Harry felt his chest tightening. Draco looked so sad, it pained Harry to see him like that. He missed the smile on Draco’s face, the real one. Harry reached out for the blonde’s wrist and pulled him towards himself. Shock appeared on Draco’s face. He didn’t say anything, just stared at Harry with puzzled look.

“Tell me what happened.” Harry lowered his voice. He concluded that if Draco was gloomy then he must have a good reason for it. He was so happy just last week when they went out to ice skate.

“Go to sleep Harry, I’m sure you had way more terrible day than I did.”

“But...” Harry squeezed Draco’s hand.

“Go to sleep Harry.” It sounded more like a command now. Draco tried to escape Harry’s clasp, but Harry wasn’t planning on letting go any time soon. He couldn’t go to sleep knowing that something awful happened to Draco. He would not be able to sleep well knowing that Draco did everything to help him and Harry didn’t even try to return the favour.

“Draco...” Harry stood up, he felt like maybe he would be taken more seriously like that. “I can see you are hurting.” Draco’s face remained unchanged.

“It’s nothing. You’re more sensitive now, it’s one of the effects of the potion.” He took his hand away from Harry’s and stepped back. “I’m going back to my bedroom. if you need water or tea you know where to find them. You know where most of the stuff is.” He turned back to leave. Harry sighed, but let him exit the room, doing the same himself not soon after, walking over to the guest room getting under the warm covers.

But however he tried, Harry couldn’t sleep. He moved around in his bed trying to find a better position, but none seemed to put him to sleep. He was afraid to close his eyes, he didn’t want to have any nightmares. He wasn’t keen of questioning his existence and life choices now. In an addition to this whole mess that was Harry’s life, his brain played tricks on him, he didn’t know which situations in his life were real and which were the creation of his mind. He was getting more confused and frustrated with his emotions towards Draco and men in general.

In this past week he tried to look at men, different men, on the streets, in the ministry and see if any of them made him feel something, if he could actually ever be attracted to men physically. He found himself staring at skinny brown haired man that worked in the coffee shop in the city center. At first he just thought the man was attractive, but then he took off his apron and Harry could see well defined muscles tagging to the man’s shirt, his lean, but strong arms, and oh god, his smile was breathtaking. Next time he caught himself staring at men was at the park. It was rather tall blonde man, who was average weight, and had the bluest eyes Harry has ever seen, they were like a stormy sea, Harry could get lost in them. He didn’t catch what the man was saying to him, because he was checking him out, CHECKING OUT A MAN! AND BLOODY HELL, HE WAS ATTRACTIVE. The whole situation was awkward, the man was asking for directions to the well known gay bar nearby, and Harry felt his cheeks heating up even more when he told him which way to go after getting himself together, and as he left, the man winked at him and flashed Harry a smile. These feelings were confusing and new and he didn’t know what to do with this knowledge. All he was sure of was that he did still love Ginny, he thought Draco was very fit and Harry wanted to spend all his time with him, he also knew that some men made him blush. That was not a lot of information, how could he make sense of it?  He didn't have the energy to think about it, but the curiosity was eating him alive. If he found the solution to one of his problems he could at least stop stressing about one of them.

Finally after laying awake for ages thinking about this, he fell asleep.

*******

Harry woke up screaming. The images of Remus falling into a hole in the ground to be eaten by killer wolves still flashed in his head. The little Teddy trying to take hold of his dark headed mom and their hands slipping from each other. Tonks falling through the hole after Remus. He couldn't stop tears dripping on his cheeks and saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" like a mantra, under his breath.  He shut his eyes and covered his face with the blanket. Time seemed to stop, or it might have gone on for too long, Harry didn't know. All he felt was the sadness and anger within him building up to the extreme. He felt like his chest was prodded by thousands of invisible needles and his whole body felt heavy, like he was weighed down by stones. He couldn't move. He only snapped out of his grief when he felt strong arms around him, one of them was on his waist and the other was in his hair, caressing the back of his head smoothly. It felt nice, warm. Harry gave in to the comfort he was given. He looked up from his covers, and it was Draco. Draco was holding him in his arms. Harry once would have never have thought that someday he would sleep in Malfoy's flat and would be comforted by DRACO. FREAKING. MALFOY. It was so unexpected of the blonde to be even more sensitive than other times. Sure, they fell asleep holding onto each other countless times by now, but it wasn't always planned.

He started to calm his breathing down and let himself grab one of Draco's arms and squeeze it. The boy responded momentarily. He looked into Harry's eyes, his eyes were red and full of tears. Harry noted just now how warm the other boy's body was and how much he was shaking.

"Dr-D-Draco." He was shaking himself.

"No." Draco cried quietly. It was so uncommon for Draco to act like this, to be this vulnerable. Well, not counting sixth year in the bathroom and few times in France. Harry looked Draco down. The boy was wearing burgundy, silk nightgown and probably nothing underneath, because part of his chest was left visible, even though the lights were out and Harry couldn't see much which was probably for the best, because it was making him feel a bit uneasy. Part of him desperately wanted to comfort the boy and the other couldn't stop imagining what his body looked like underneath the thin clothing. Was it as pale as the rest of his body? Was it as skinny and muscled as Harry thought it to be? Would the sight of it make him want the other boy as it happened with a girl's body? Harry hated himself for thinking about it now, when he was supposed to act like a decent human being. But he couldn't help his curiosity. “Don’t wanna talk.” The blond boy mumbled, burying his face in a crook of Harry’s neck. He suddenly felt warmth and weird explosive feeling in his stomach. He wanted to hold Draco and never let him go, wanted to give him protection and assure him that he’ll make all the bad things disappear. He wanted to do more than just sit there and be useless.

“Draco, please, talk to me.” Harry whispered in Draco’s ear. He tried to be brave and push his own problems away, but he was still shaken and under the influence of his dream and the undying guilt. The man in his arms made it harder to think. No one ever made him feel like Draco did. He made him the angriest, the saddest and the happiest man on the planet at the same time, and Harry hated it.

“Just let me stay with you.” Harry felt hot breath on his neck which sent shivers down through his whole body. He shifted in his place. His body felt no longer like a stone. Without thinking much he wrapped his arms around Draco and shifted so they could both lie down. He had never experienced such closure with anyone, not even Ginny, and they were almost married, they had sex and kissed and everything! Yet, Draco made Harry feel more than he could express with simple words. He felt understood and less alone in this whole mess. He snuggled up to Draco, which didn’t feel casual or a good idea at all, but something in him told him that he should do so, so he did. Acting on impulse was one of his specialities.

They both were breathing heavily, holding onto each other, not even considering letting go. Harry didn’t even realize when he fell asleep with Draco’s wet of tears face on his chest and the scent of the boy's skin in his nostrils which he could only describe as 'manly with a fruity hint' and Harry decided it suited the blond boy a lot, that along with the sensation of almost their whole bodies touching were the best ways of falling asleep.

Crazy (unlikely) theory with respect to “The Mole” in Queen of the South 3.11

DISCLAIMER first:

I think we’re at a place where yes all signs point to Kelly Anne (foreshadowing, the episode promo, eppy stills, her overall character development etc), and I’m basically operating under the assumption that it is her, and I’m walking into this week’s episode execting to not at all be surprised by the revealton that that is so.

The only “twist” they can throw my way at this point is pivot an make it be Lil T who they have also set up for a bit, but not nearly as much.  She’s a more secondary option IMO.

But I’d be remiss if I didn’t throw his out into the world, just because I’ve had a slow weekend, and I’ve had time to mull things over and do some rewatching and research, and some things kinda came together... So.... here it is....

A crazy out of the box, optimistic, HIGHLY unlikely theory:

What if nobody is the mole?

Hear me out....

The episode title is “Diez De Copas”. Looking up the tarot card, keeping in theme  when it comes to the episode titles of the season:

“The divinatory message is evident in this image, in that it represents fortunate marriage, contentment of the heart, and the perfection of human love and friendship. It can also refer to the town or country where the querent lives. This is one of the most positive cards in the entire Tarot deck  (...) Other divinatory meanings include a peaceful environment”

SIDENOTE: As I said I did my homework so I will mention that reversed it means “quarreling, violence, and a troubled heart (...)  a disrupted routine, and selfish exploitation”. But I think we all know how that interpetation plays out as a possibility on the show. So I’m not touching on that. This whole thing is about exploring a different option.

Now if we do take the upright interpretation of the card, then that could very well mean that there isn’t a mole, and that the lot of the team is still loyal to Teresa.

“But,” you’ll say “they lost their supply and we have indications that there is a hole in the operation: There’s a tracker in Guero’s necklace. Devon found them. Kelly Anne has been a mess. Lilt T is apologising for messing up.”

Firstly they got a hit and lost their supply because SOMEONE betrayed El Santo! Teresa’s inner operation is running rather smoothly.

But as to the the indicators that the traitor is among Teresa’s people, well... lets take a minute here:

- I think we’re all so caught up over pointing fingers at the ladies, but I thnk it’s important for the record for something to be said about it NOT being either Kelly Anne or Lilt T.

One could claim that Devon is exploiting Kelly Anne’s growing addiction and knowing who she really is to blackmail her. BUT would she really help him out? Especially after the waterboarding? When she knows she can turn to Teresa & Co at any time? Granted addiction is a terrible beast and she is going through a trauma, so it’s not like it’s not a believeable situation, but I do think it is a bit contrived for this character. And well... maybe it’s the show having spoiled me a bit, but they don’t really do contrived on QotS

Lil T doesn’t even KNOW Devon. They’ve legit never actually crossed paths... how would that connection even happen? Someone at the Afterbuzz mentioned that she called Evelyn from her phone and maybe that’s how they found her... and that’s possible I guess, but I dunno... As I’ve said before: after the whole butting heads with James and trust talk in 3.05 and then putting her through that ordeal with Pecas, only to turn her traitor just seems redundant. And if it was foreshadowing instead, IMO it wasn’t very good.

- THE TRACKER: Honestly, I think the tracker could have been put on Teresa by James, but not on Devon’s behalf.  Just for himself to be able to find her in case something happened. He said in 3.07 “Last time you went off on your own you ended up in a cell in Mexico.” Clearly he worries about losing her again, and even voices as much in 3.10. I can see him being proactive, and paranoid, and invasive (like he can be), and seeing how attached she’s gotten to Guero’s medalion thinking that it would be good place to hide the tracker and be able to find her as a contingency if she goes missing again. In truth, Teresa assumes the tracker she found was what led Devon to El Santo’s. But we don’t have much of an indication that that is indeed the case. When the ambush happened, the soldiers were using drones and heat signals, not tracking a transmiter.

- DEVON FOUND THEM: Devon said he had “another way” to get to El Santo. He didn’t specifically say it was through Teresa again. A man as methodic and careful as Devon, trying to get to get to El Santo via Teresa for a second time after how poorly his first attempt went down, feels a bit sloppy... and desperate... and more vendeta driven that smart. I actually think there’s a decent chance he had a whole other connect in that dinner party... And I think that was Sasha. We spent way too much time with her to have her be this one off.... She mentioned “getting in the wrong plane” as her starting point of getting involved with El Santo.... And, remind me, who has an aviation company again? Also lets not forget that the CIA got to the coke making compound. Which means whoever snitched knew about and where the compound was. If the mole is Kelly Anne or Lil T how did they get that info? They weren’t involved in that part of the story at all last season, and I doubt it’s information Teresa would have devulged. James is the only other person from Teresa’s crew who knows about it, and I mean.... It’s NOT JAMES! So... It’s more likely someone else who was in deep with El Santo must have given that information up. Also Sasha was super shady throwing people under the bus left and right, trying to get out of there ASAP (possibly before the ambush she knew was coming...). And I think El Dentista telling Teresa he knew who the “traitor” was but never actually getting to reveal it to her was a rather telling scene... If he knew it was her, or someone tangenial to her, he would have been more accusatory and hostile towards her, not just scared. Also he noticed Teresa was talking with Sasha earlier durintg dinner... That could have been build up...

... Just some things to consider... It would just be interesting to have this “hunt for a mole” only to figure out there never really was one... Granted, I don’t expect it to be true... As I said: This is just a crazy out of the box unlikely (and optimisic) theory... 

#look I’m not naive #I know this is most likely NOT how it’s gonna play out  #Kelly Anne is sooooo the mole #maaaaaaaybe Lil T for the surprise element #but I just wanted to put this out there... #just get some thoughts that have been eating at me since Thursday written down #plus it was fun to nitpick and deep-dive fanhawk... #haven’t done that in a while....

The only ST actors who’ve had a crazy amount of success have been Millie and Finn, with David and Sadie close behind. ST has both helped and hurt the casts’ ability to get roles. ST increases everyone’s fame which lets them get good roles, but they also take up a lot of time to film + promote, so it limits when they’re available for other roles. So yes, ST has negatively affected Charlie in that he doesn’t have a wide open schedule, but it allows him roles he wouldn’t have gotten otherwise since he’s a name now. And yeah Cokegate wasn’t great publicity, but I don’t think it actually had an impact on him getting jobs since he’s booked plenty of new roles since then. Both Charlie and Natalia have stated it’s still difficult to find good roles, and they don’t get every role they audition for. Unless you’re an A-list actor, you aren’t exactly getting steady work. It goes up and down, and sometimes it’s bc of things completely out of your control. Like TTTF said, he filmed three projects in 2019, two of them main roles. He filmed nothing in 2020 and most of 2021 bc of COVID, and he’s since took a break to visit his fam and go on vacation with Natalia. We don’t know what’s going on with Charlie now. Maybe he’s done with acting forever, maybe he’s taking a well deserved break, maybe he’s having trouble finding work right now, or maybe he’s secretly filming something now. We don’t know, and it’s hard not knowing bc we love him and miss seeing him act. And I get sometimes you can’t help but imagine the worse- I get that. But I honestly don’t think there’s any real cause for concern yet. He’s an actor, even if he’s in a slump now, it’ll end. Worst case scenario he has to wait until ST4 comes out to get a boost so he can book something. But it’s not like he absolutely needs the fame to work anyway. I mean this is a man who landed two starring film roles before ST (even if neither of those films did particularly well [AYA deserved so much more than what it got imo]). Even if after ST ends his spotlight fades, he’ll still work.

Charlie def doesn’t have the squeakiest clean reputation, but I don’t think it’s fair or accurate to say no one likes him. He has tons of fan accounts still, he’s in a relationship highly shipped by the vast majority of ST fans, he’s loved by the cast which means most of their fan accs love him too. Take a look thru his tags today and you’ll see how many people like him enough to wish him a happy birthday, some even going thru the trouble of making edits and collages for him. Sure, there are some assholes who openly dislike him, whether bc they mistakenly believe he’s addicted to coke, or they don’t like how he looks, or they ship Natalia with someone else (ew) or whatever. But I assure you, those people make up a very very very small percentile.

Anyway, not trying to start a debate or anything, I just think on his bday of all days we should be lifting him up instead of dragging him down. Much love!

That ask was not on his bday if it was p harsh (if partly realistic too), but I’m going to just go with the thing you say there “that we don’t know what’s going on with Charlie now” with acting. All we can do is hope he gets some new projects! Tbh it’s that I really just don’t get some of what’s going on (like I still think the agent thing is weird, skipping the tsp2 premiere and all the uk press for it now which Harris etc is doing is also a choice). But again, hopefully there will be some signs of acting life soon. I obvs only raise my confusion sometimes bc I think he’s an excellent actor and it would be great to see him in things!

High School Band AU: Ch. 19

TW: Mentionings of drugs

Your joints hurt a little. You’re not sure if it is because of the cold day and being stuck in a room with no heat or it’s because of the tension on your muscles, as you keep your arms crossed and your head low, avoiding the gazes from the two girls in the room. It’s probably both.

“Jaehee, you’re missing classes and you’re making me miss mine. What is this about?”

“I already told you, Rika. We need to talk, things can’t stay like this…”

“With the festival in three days?” Rika interrupts.

“That too. But also because I didn’t like how things ended that night in Jumin’s house, I bet neither of you liked it as well.”

“Well, would you like if you find your boyfriend is cheating on you with a pathetic crazy freshman that wants to put all her friends against her?”

“Okay, you can’t keep talking about me as if I’m not in the room, Rika!” you raise your gaze.

You feel like punching a wall when she turns her face away from you with her eyes closed, doing a “hmmm” in disdain. Oh, for fuck’s sake, how old is she?

“Rika… I know you’re hurt, but you can’t ignore MC if we’re trying to find the common ground here…”

“There is no common ground, Jaehee.” You sigh, admitting that Rika would agree with that, at least.

“Really? Because from the way I see it, you both misunderstood a lot of situations.”

“She fucked V, Jaehee. There’s no misunderstanding in here.”

“True. But MC, let me ask you something… do you like V?”

“Me? No, I… I think he’s nice, he was probably one of the first people to be nice to me ever since I got here, but… liking, loving… I… I don’t think so.”

“Wow, so you fuck people you don’t even like, that’s really admirable, MC.”

“Yeah, and you rely on the feelings of your boyfriend’s best friend to get drugs for you.” She finally looks at you. “I don’t want to point fingers, but if we’re really going to talk about doing things with people we don’t love…”

“Then we should talk about the fact that you played with everybody’s feelings, MC. But of course, I don’t want to point fingers.” She mimics your tone, and you feel like rolling your eyes, but you won’t since Jaehee is watching this.

“Did I, Rika? You know, I thought a lot about everything you said that night, I was feeling so guilty for sleeping with V, and hurting Saeran you could accuse me of… projecting nuclear bombs and I’d apologize for that too. But I thought about it, and I don’t see how I could have played with these many people’s feelings on purpose.”

“But unintentionally?”

“I… I don’t know… Jaehee?”

“Yes, MC?”

“Do you feel like I hurt you on purpose?”

“This isn’t about me, MC…” she looks flustered. Uh oh…

“It is. You said this was a honest conversation between women, I’m asking you as a woman, did I hurt you on purpose?”

“No, MC… no, you didn’t on purpose.” But you hurt her… “MC, I… when you assumed I was gay, for a moment I thought… you could see beyond, you know? I thought… you understood me.”

“And I do, Jaehee. I… look, I… have never dated girls… I have never dated, for that matter, but… I don’t see myself in the future… being attracted only to boys…”

“There she goes…” Rika snorts.

“I mean it! Jaehee… I don’t know how you feel about me, so I can’t understand that, but I can understand what you feel for girls… I feel the same.”

“Ahh, MC…” she uncrosses her arms, sighing. “I was never hurt because of this, how can I expect you to understand something I don’t understand myself yet?” she smiles softly.

“Jaehee?”

“I was only hurt because you ignored the fact I told you that I didn’t like Zen anymore… if you had any feelings for Zen, you should have gone for it, he’s my friend, I want to see him happy, and… I want to see you happy too.”

“Jaehee… I’m so sorry, I honestly thought I was doing the right thing, I… was just trying to do what felt right. I… am always trying to make it right.” You look at her, then at Rika, but it feels like you’re talking to yourself.

“And do you always fail that miserably?” Rika asks. Ugh… for a moment, you almost forgot she was here. “Yoosung really likes you, you know that?”

“Rika, I plan to talk to Yoosung at some point, you don’t need to speak for him, especially if he’s not here. But cinse we’re at it, you know what I want to tell him? I want him to know he doesn’t need crazy girls telling him what to do and helping him show all the courage and talent he has inside, he doesn’t need me, and he definitely doesn’t need you.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re the manipulative one here, Rika. Yoosung so he’ll stay under your wing, Jumin so he’ll do anything you want… hell, you even manipulated me and convinced me I’m hurting everyone here, but why did I join the band in the first place? Oh yeah… because you left!”

“MC…” Jaehee says in a cautious tone.

“No! I heard a lot about my mistakes these days, and I take responsibility for all of them, but what about you, Rika? When will you take responsibility for your shit? You left them!”

“Shut up…” she mutters.

“I will after you explain why you left! It wasn’t to treat your addiction, since you were missing rehab to make Jumin get drugs for you… so why did you leave them, Rika?”

“BECAUSE I CAN’T SING ANYMORE!” she yells. You flinch, Jaehee doesn’t.

“You… what?”

“My voice… is cracking. It started last year a few days before the winter festival… I tried to quit the coke, I didn’t want to lose, but… it was already too late… we lost because of me…”

“Rika, I wasn’t the manager, but in the minute I joined, everybody agreed that you all didn’t rehearse enough… nobody was that ready…” Jaehee says calmly.

“V never agreed on that…”

“Rika… I’m… I’m so sorry… I didn’t know that… are you okay?” of course she’s not! Just imagine how much she blamed herself, how depressed she got… only to make herself want more drugs… this is… awful. “Rika…”

“Don’t try to comfort me, I don’t want your pity, MC!”

“I’m not pity, I’m trying to understand you...”

“Understand me?” she scoffs “What is there for you to understand? You have no idea how it is growing with a family who puts so much pressure on you, be the best in everything, date that rich Kim boy and you’ll guarantee your future! Why are you crying, Rika?  Your life is perfect! You’re perfect! Don’t ever cry in front of people like that or they won’t think you’re perfect anymore! Did I mention you have to be perfect? That you have to be the best? You have to, look at how lucky you are, being picked by in a shitty orphanage by a loving family, you have to give it back, earn you spot at this family! Stop… crying, Rika…” she sobs as her ways get watery.

So do yours.

“Rika… we talked about that before… just because you can’t match the image your parents wanted for you, it doesn’t mean you should go extreme like this…” Jaehee kneels before her.

“She’s not doing to punish them… she’s punishing… herself, right?” you ask, and she nods quickly. “Jaehee… you knew about that from the beginning?”

“She was the only person I felt like opening up since she wasn’t on the band, so she wouldn’t judge considering what happened in the festival.”

“And… I know a thing or two about family pressuring you on being the best… they’re not my parents… my parents would never treat me like that if they were alive…” Oh no…

“Jaehee… “ you sniff, feeling the tears rolling down. These girls… they are sad too, but none of them seem as devastated as you right now… did they get used to it?

Things are so much more complex than they look. You’re not a manipulative little bitch, neither is Rika, and Jaehee… no, she is as strong as she looks, you just didn’t know why did she need to be that strong…

A high school band that is filled with hurt teenagers. Teenagers that are dealing with a bigger pain than they should. The last time you spoke to your mother, you were 12, and she told you that you should live your youth with joy, and you tried… you’re trying. Youth was supposed to be about joy, a band is supposed to be about the music…

“I’m really sorry, Rika…”

“What are you apologizing for now, bitch?” she asks, wiping the tears with the sleeve of her jacket.

“I left the band you care so much about. I… threw away an opportunity to sing , something… you would never do… you know, you… really are a better member than I could ever be, Rika…”

You stare at each other for a few seconds, it gets a little weird, so you nod, making her chuckle.

“You are a better singer than I could ever be… even if I was clean…”

You both smile awkwardly. Jaehee sighs and gets up, rubbing her pants to take the dirt from her knees.

“See? It’s always easier to understand each other without boy drama around.” You both chuckle and then look at each other… nope, still awkward… you and Rika look away. “So, MC… ready to come back?”

“Call a meeting with everybody. I have something to say.”

“Everybody will be waiting for you here on the break.” She smiles, opening the door.

“So I’ll see you on the break.” You get out, but come back. “You too, Rika.” Then you leave.

***

There was this part of you that knew Saeran wouldn’t show up… you secretly rooted for him to make an entrance like he did at Yoosung’s basement in your initiation, but you know he wouldn’t.

Well… guess Saeyoung is the drummer now.

“I knew you would come back, MC.” Zen pats your shoulder when he passes by you, entering the room.

You take one more look behind you to see if Saeran isn’t really coming. If he’s not, everybody is here now that Zen has arrived.

“Rika? Why… why are you here?” Yoosung asks, looking at her, then at you. Probably to make sure you won’t throw at each other’s throats.

“That’s what I want to know as well. MC?”

“Yes, I… I decided to come back.” You notice how Saeyoung and Zen smile triumphantly, Yoosung and Jaehee look relieved and Jumin just nods. “Under one condition…”

Then everybody looks at you intently and curiously.

“Rika has to come back too.”

“What?” Jaehee asks. “MC… how can… what…?”

“MC, what are you saying? I already told you I…” Rika looks at everybody before sighing. Yes… there’s no point in hiding anything anymore… “I can’t sing…”

“I know you can’t, but can you move your lips and dance?”

“Yes… I… I can… but what’s the point? I can’t sing!”

“Well, I can. I’ll be your voice, Rika!”

← Chapter 18 | Chapter 20 →

I hate this

I hate this : Memes

your passport photo and copy of passport At my school, the homework was to color the picture. So very true... In my school it’s so bad, the teacher projects it on the whiteboard ah, nightmares Soo true XD They say that because you cropped it out. And that is a fact They use plotters I get it! Lol that’s good shit Im sory Toad The homework that steals your time and your lunch money 99% of sane teachers shows u the color image on smart board No teachers want to show u crappy print Just understand it. Color printer is expensive. You’re telling me that teachers give out free black children? Bet, already got three in the basement itsa me, Noir-io Facts tho It'sa me, a-Copyo! We all make mistakes in the heat of passion, Jimbo. Come back in ten years And they pop in a “do you see the ... in the picture” question Why mario on the right looks like he's about to wake me up at 3 am saying with deep demonic voice It's time for me to turn you into my spaghetti Is this the new "We have ____ at home" ? Since im in school this is to relatable The math graphs were the worst though 30 years of saving princesses, 30 years of smashing brown mushrooms. And for what? Cake? Mario!? Why does this remind me of the fearsome Llapp Goch Master. There's a good chance this is unique! I checked 103,921,185 image posts and didn't find a close match Whenever I got bad copies I'd always split the best copies around the room so every student was at least near a good copy and keep a bad one for myself... Remember when you were the chosen one to go out of class and get em papers wonderful If Mario was in Papers, Please AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA printer companies: see you little shits? this is why your printer needs colored cartridges! My name is paublo Yes Is that pablo It's supposed to be not centered Based on a true story Itsa me, Marijuanio! he looks so sad:( NVM took a secound look he looks like he bout to ask me if i wanna buy WEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDD Kinda looks like Hitler though Noah get the Death Star. My kindergarten teacher wife has to print shit at home for this reason. Effectively costs $300/year in paper/ink and another $100 to replace whatever broken down color ink printer we have in a given year. I want her to transition to laser, but haven't been able to convince her. More like the board of Education, principal and superintendents wanting another raise so the kids get B&W copies. At our large school we have 1 color copier, the rest are black and white. More often than not, kids are not getting color copies. Budget. Why is this too true Don't you be knocking LaserJet. Those things were a tank whose toner lasted a long time. DeskJet is what you are looking for. Made with HP LaserJet 100 color MFP Same Mario on the right side looks like sleep paralysis demon, ngl. Mario and Noireio. Top 10 hollywood stars ruined by drug addiction. It looks like if he ran into me he'd try to stuff me into an animatronic suit where I belong Mario looks like he's going to go on a mugging spree Too true Me looking at my paper: HERE WE GOOOO One more gram common u can do it is fentanyl the new drug to go? i only appy the fentanyl patches on them cancer patients at work, so they don't suffer 24/7. a couple of months ago there was a problem at our elderly home, bc some crazies tried to dig them used patches out of our trash..have fun with patches which are covered in shit and piss You should have done 64 or 69 Bro youd die before you even got through half a gram of fentanyl wtf do you even know what fentanyl is lmao A true epic gamer moment God I wish I had some pure fent Issa me, Black tar heroin Mario! Come with me and meet my gang of druga dealers! I really Was expecting a rickroll lmao And this is probably what he's listening to on his alone time https://youtu.be/ijBrulQXE2U It me mrio I jst snrted one mre grm and I jst deid DO IT FOR THE GRAM Go ahead and do another gram just one more gram Legendary The homework that steals your time and your lunch money............... Luigi says: do the coke to get the smoke Betta tell your moms your dads your ministers... WOOOMP WOOOMP WOOOMP!!!! Justa what me the Doctor Mario prescribed Mama mia I a need a more of that a shit YAHOOOOOO!!!! And remember kids - when you do drugs, you go to hell before you die! It’s a me druggooo Mario! I have snorted 68 grams of pure fentanyl and I am going to die. Itsame itsame I’m literally studying for an exam right now and my professor put that on his own notes... like bro nobody gives a shit about your stats notes I had a professor just say “don’t waste your money on the book. Just google book name pdf and it should be the first link.” Then he did in in class go show us And then you have the ones that sell their own 40 page notes in 2 sections for €20 each at the college book store. Or the ones that make class notes and give them out in the first class. Even better are the ones that accidentally send a pdf of their own book that they make no money on due to a shitty publisher to one or two people in the class. my favorite kinds of professors A full commitment is what I'm thinking of A lot of emulators come with a warning like "Use a bios file from your own console. Do not download one for free from the Internet!" I saw something on TIL a while back, during the prohibition era of the United States, some companies sold grape concentrate. They had a warning on them that said something to the effect of "after adding the concentrate to water, do not let it sit for two weeks as it will ferment into wine." As if...they wanted you to do it! That's a pretty calculated statement for them to make. *mobile errors I had calculus profs who would tell us 'I legally cannot advise you to steal copywrited material so under no circumstances should you go to this website and torrent the textbook for free instead of buying it from the overpriced book store and wasting your money' I always love those blank pages that just have in like size i font "Do not write here" for no fucking reason. Then the teacher tells you that they didn't see it I like when it’s in huge, WHITE print in the middle of the fucking page so half the assignment is cut off I like when it says on the side of the paper COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL DO NOT PHOTOCOPY OR DISTRIBUTE BY ANY MEANS Or the "here's a form that was made in Excel, if you could fill it out so that we can input the information back in Excel that would be great." "yeah..." "But the image gets worse!" Work in Japan. Teachers give me a copied paper. "just copy it. They have the file on their damn computer. Which is where we are sitting. -20 points. I can’t even read the damn question At my school, we get lectured for printing a class set rather than just a master. They say it’s about toner being cheaper and the copier cartridges are much much bigger. There are also a lot of places where teachers don't have access to a shared laser printer like that and don't have any option but to make photocopies, so stuff like the OP can be unavoidable sometimes. Genuinely not a problem in my school - we have a fleet of MFDs for bulk printing. We have an admin assistant in charge of the reprographics room who can interrupt jobs if needed as well. It's just an old mindset that they can't get out of. Yeah but then you have to be the asshole that released a print job with 200+ pages while others are waiting to use the copier since this is the only one you can print to. What is full sending? huzzah, a man of quality Have you tried full sending it? From an IT perspective, usually it's not that they want you to know what triggered the problem, they want you to provide concise information on what exactly you were doing up until the issue occurred. Though I do understand that IT technicians are notoriously unsociable lol I'm sure thats a great suggestion but that's the thing is that IT acts like its up to the enduser to already know whats causing the issues and what needs to be done to fix it. Also this doesn't solve his/her issue of getting staples on the copies. Have your IT reinstall your driver and you can select the options that your printer has. likely you are on a global driver, or it wasn't installed correctly! Or if I want staples. We can only select staples on our copier itself. It would be easier if the print queue thing was reliable. But I can't keep running back to my room if it didn't send it, so I make extra copies from my first one. Or if I need front/back from different originals I work in IT support for a school - teachers, for some fucking reason beyond my understanding, seem to print one copy of something, then photocopy it for their classes. Telling them that just printing it for everyone keeps the quality better doesn't sink in. It costs the same, comes out of the same device, and it's less work, but I'm the insane one. Th s rin er se ms o æ run ing lo n ink To the knee And my axe! And my sword! Take mine too! Fuck off take a useless arrow Actually it seems this printer is low on incas. Damn u incas "I'm so sorry kids, our ancient printer is not working properly again" Read the full article

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Interview 1

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(1988)

Q: Did you always want to act?

RC: Yes, but I never thought I had the talent. I had done plays in high school, but I wasn’t very good, so in college I majored in my second love -art. You can see how prac­tical I was -I didn’t think I could make it as an actor, but I did think I could become an artist.

Q: What finally made you decide to try acting?

RC: At college the drama department had a wonderful directoress –a frail, older woman with a wonderful talent for seducing stu­dents into the drama department. I used to go to tryouts, but I was so shy, I never spoke up. Then one day she began talking to me about my interest in acting and con­vinced me to try out. From then on I moonlighted in her department and got so far behind in my art course that I had to stay at school over Christmas and sum­mer vacations to catch up.

Q: Your role as TV’s Dr. Kildare made you a star, but it had a downside for you, didn’t it?

RC: Yes. I played the part for five years, and unfortunately, people couldn’t imagine me in another role. Then, one day at lunch at Raymond Massey’s home Cedric Hardwicke said. “Richard, you’ve done it all backwards -you became a star before you learned to act.” He said it kindly, wisely, and I knew he was right. At college I’d learned that an actor worked primarily on the stage and that he could do anything: classics, comedy, tragedy, modern. I couldn’t do that, so I had to learn -I needed more basic actor training. So I did some summer stock, but that wasn’t the answer. I’d always had a hunch that the place for me was England -English actors and acting had always fascinated me.

Q: How did you get to London?

RC: Director Richard Lester asked me to come to London to play Julie Christie’s American husband in Petulia. Lester described the character to me as “an empty Coke bottle.” Well, I knew a lot about playing empty characters -I’d been Kildare for five years. And besides, I felt I understood the man I was to play -he was full of emptiness because of the things he thought he was but wasn’t; and he was full of rage because of the things he thought he was not but was. I was full of rage at the time but didn’t know it; and I had talent but didn’t know it. So I took the part . . . and I was good in it.

Q: Did you stay in London?

RC: No, I came home, but the hunch I had about broadening my horizons in England was intensi­fied. And then Amem Andrew, a sort of British Johnny Carson, offered to pay my way back to London if I would he on his show. I thought to myself: This is a sign! Sure enough, almost the day my plane landed, my agent asked me if would he interest­ed in playing the American in the BBC television production of Henry James’ Portrait of a Lady. I jumped at the chance. The producer didn’t want me. but I convinced the director to give me the part. That role was the turning point of my career.

Q: Why "turning point"?

RC: After that role I was accepted as an actor in Britain. I worked with the Birmingham Repertory Theatre, and was accepted not only by the company but by the audiences. I think British audiences, because of repertory companies, are used to seeing actors playing different roles and accept them more readily in any role. In America we tend to see actors over and over in the same role. In America, I was Kildare. Also, without Portrait of a Lady I never would have been asked to play Hamlet with the Birmingham Repertory.

Q: Did anyone warn you that doing Hamlet was a huge risk?

RC: Oh, yes. My agent told me not to do it, and practically everyone else told me I was crazy to try. Originally I turned it down, but when they asked again, I said yes but only if the director Peter Dew’s would work alone with me for months prior to rehearsal. He agreed. I was the first American to play Hamlet in England since John Barrvmore had done it -I think in 1927.

Q: And the risk paid off -the reviews were good?

RC: Yes.

Q: Would you take that risk today?

RC: Maybe. But I would do Hamlet again if someone asked -quick!

Q: Since you had to leave Hollywood to be accepted as an actor, do you hold any kind of grudge?

RC: Absolutely not. They gave me a gift. If they’d accepted me as anything other than Kildare, I might have stayed and missed out on the wonderful experiences I’ve had. I like to think that each of us has his own little destiny and we have to seek it -no one will hand it to us.

Q: You have a reputation for being a nice guy. Are you?

RC: I think I’m easy to get along with, easy to work with -unless I am ig­nored or double-crossed. When that happens, I scrap. I’ve been in the business long enough to speak up if I think a scene can he improved or a line made better. If I am listened to, my ideas considered, and then thrown out that’s okay with me. But I have to he shown that I’m not right, not just ignored.

Q: Have you ever lost your temper on the set?

RC: Yes, once. It was violent, but it was also kind of funny. I was doing a dueling scene. The director didn’t have the proper equipment. I had to use a 20-pound sword that was more like a saw -it was so chipped up from use. And the actor I was fighting was practically blind and out of control physically. I got so angry I stormed off the set, knocking over everything in sight –chairs, ladders, everything -with my sword. I demolished the set.

Q: What happened?

RC: The director saw the light and we finished the scene the next day.

Q: Why did you want to do The Bourne Identity?

RC: I read the book and thought it was fascinating. I felt that if we could find a writer to simplify the story it would he perfect for TV.

Q: There is a lot of violence in the story. Do you have any qualms about adding to the violence already on TV?

RC: First, let me say that I don’t watch much television, so I don’t know about the amount of violence. Secondly, I’m not sure that violence on TV leads to violence in life. There are two schools of thought about that: One contends that television violence acts as a catharsis, preventing real-life violence: the other side feels that viewing violence makes people vio­lent. I think the jury is still out on which side is right. I will say that I would never accept a role in which violence is portrayed for violence sake. I turned down the role of a rapist not because I wouldn’t play a rapist, but I felt the rapes were portrayed for shock value only. The violence in The Bourne Identity isn’t like that.

Q: Do you have any say in choosing your leading lady?

RC: Oh, yes! I was able to "suggest" and "agree," and I was thrilled with Jaclyn Smith. I’ve wanted to work with her for a long time.

Q: Why is that?

RC: She is so beautiful, she really doesn’t have to be able to do anything else -but she does. She is a very good actress, very natural, vulnerable, sweet, feminine. In the beginning she was not available for the role -I don’t know why. But I was delighted when that changed.

Q: You’ve worked with Katharine Hepburn and Barbara Stanwyck. Are they alike? Different?

RC: They are both phenomenal person­alities, both extremely professional. Hepburn is probably a little more eccentric in her working habits. Stanwyck is the total professional. They are curiously alike even though they come from exact opposite ends of the social spectrum. Stanwyck worked her way up from being a sort of foster child, probably unloved and lonely and poor. Hepburn came from the tipper echelons. I admire Stanwyck for fighting her way to the top and staying there. She is magnificent. I did Thorn Birds with her in 1983. I was much younger when I worked with Hepburn in 1968 Madwoman of Chaillot, and I was scared. But she was very kind. Actually she likes men better than women, so we got along.

Q: You seem less motivated by money than by the role. Did you ever take a part merely for the paycheck?

RC: Yes, twice. I did the film, Swarm, purely for money. I think most of the actors in that film did -the script was awful but the pay was good. Sorry, but I won’t mention the other time.

Q: How do you manage to stay so trim, look so good?

RC: I think it’s part of my job to stay in shape -but I don’t do anything spe­cial. Maybe it’s partly genes; maybe it’s partly because I’ve been addicted to exercise since I was about 15 years old. And maybe it’s because I like my work, like what I’m doing. Some people hate their jobs and can’t wait till the clock strikes five. I can’t wait to get to work.

Q: Of all the roles you’ve done, aside from Hamlet, which pleased you the most? The least?

RC: I am proud of Cyrano de Bergerac and Wallenberg. Least proud of Swarm.

Q: What’s next for you?

RC: After Bourne I’ll have about a three-week break at home in Los Angeles before I start my next project, a theatrical film for my production company. It’s a wonderful story about a father -a film director -and his problems getting along with his son.

Q: Few TV actors have been suc­cessful switching to movies. Are you taking a new risk?

RC: I don’t think so, but I hope it works out. It’s something I really want to do.

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http://www.richard-chamberlain.co.uk/online.htm

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Q: Of all the roles you’ve done, aside from Hamlet, which pleased you the most? The least?

RC: I am proud of Cyrano de Bergerac and Wallenberg. 

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http://www.richard-chamberlain.co.uk/online.htm

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Interview 1

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trap princess

I think I'm cosmos top reader for “top ten signs you know someone likes you” I mean I seriously feel like I am in Middle School and I want to know if the boy in math class who pulled my hair thinks I’m cute. Yes, I know this is not necessarily the audience of this reading, but that's what it feels like. I mean I'm 20 years old and I can know how someone feels about everything else in the world besides how someone feels about me. It's so nauseating lol. I realize I have never actually been in a relationship because that probably helps you understand people's true intentions when you are talking or whatever. But besides the fact, I just can't figure out for the life of me. 

So Yes, I have been chasing. It's just so fun I can't help it. The little crush I had could not be contained and now I am full-on head over heels. Don't worry, I'm not surprised this is just like what I do. But every time it ends up being a good flirting stage that's enjoyable but the guy never commits and welchs out on the feelings that I thought were there. It makes the chase so much more fun because that's the furthest I've ever gotten. But why or what factors make this always happen? It's so confusing sometimes because is it really the obsession with the chase or is it who chase. I will admit I am known to fall in love with my guy friends which end well for a lot of people but not me. But this one is different. I met him through mutual friends and I guess we built a friendship but we (or I at least) always have known there's a little something it's just not moving fast or in a path that I can understand like at all. 

In the beginning, there was a girlfriend he had (about 5 months ago or so) and they broke up for good after a very unfortunate series of events. They dated for like 2 years and then she started cheating on him...with girls. Yeah, that could hurt an ego right there. And honestly, it really did. But this was not an ordinary break up, they live together in a one-bedroom apartment. Which obviously not just like terrible for him but also it pisses me off. He sleeps on the couch which is good but like also sucks. Not to mention, she is honestly just like a monster of a human being. Never in my life have I heard so many terrible stories of her being a complete bitch for pretty much no reason at all. Only met her once, but fucking hated every second I was around her. Also said by many, including all his friends, all of his frat brothers and more. At one end I am happy she is a piece of shit so he won't go back to her. But on the other end, she's just so damn manipulative and rude to him I just want her gone. It constantly pisses me off how she treats him I just can't stand it. Not to mention, see all of her shit in their apartment made me want to explode just a little bit. Seeing that I could treat him so well and he has his life still consumed by this cheating fucking dyke ass cunt, sad. 

Well, there is a little background to this story which could be a big part of getting him to want to get into a relationship again, especially after that. They broke up in October and my crush was clear by then but I just acted tough that I just wanted to fuck him. Not going to lie, he definitely not that into it at first. But around late November into December, he started opening up to me a lot about all of the things going on with his ex and one of our first in-depth conversation was about his happiness and doing things for himself after being in a relationship where there was co-dependent reliance that now doesn't exist. He began to confide in me and tell me about his dreams (which I made appearances in sometimes). But I began to hear about all of his goals in life and I started to become invested by encouraging him throughout whatever he wanted me to. And for this, I had to ask myself why did he choose to confide in me? I mean he could've decided to do this to anyone else, but he wanted to talk to me, and it felt so good. 

When we got back from winter break things were different. We got a lot closer for some reason and really fast honestly. I had known some of the things he had gone through but the extent of his family loss, addiction, depression and more was so touching to me. He had never put on a face like he wanted people to pity him for his problems, like that he didn't have a dad. He opened up to me to the point where there were things he said he hadn't even told his best friends. I had a talk with him about his ex, moving on, helping himself and more which was bringing both of us practically to tears. I had gone into his head and told him what I thought he was feeling so he could hear this out loud. I left him sitting speechless (which is so uncharacteristic because he truly does not stop talking) because I had said all of the things he was thinking but wasn't able to fully process. I saw him and I think he finally knew it. Even though I really did have no idea how he felt about me, but I had pretty much everything else down. Instead of having a little sexual attraction we had emotional attraction too. This is really when things took a turn. I started hanging out at our friend's apartment a lot and together all the time. I am just so damn happy around him I can't help it and I swear its more addictive and better feeling than drugs. His validation is like a line of coke for me. His teasing drives me crazy but also makes me smile like literally nothing else. I just have to get him sometimes cause he gets me allllll the time. And it's a  mutual thing that we only do to each other. We make the same faces to each other that I know we don't do to anyone else. My personal favorite of his is his little eye roll with a smile when I embarrass him, validate him in front of people, or mention something a little sexy hehe. I could be dead tired and if he comes in I can stay awake just to hear him talk or sit with him for hours. And I do like my sleep schedule is low key fucked lol. 

I just want him to be direct now. There's so obviously something there and day by day it just feels better and better. I've gotten better about not begging for his attention and to make him work for it because I am subservient girly. But when he talks about other girls being hot on the low key it pisses me off a fuck ton. I get very annoyed and I either ignore it because if I don't the influx in my voice is super high pitched and bitchy. But I am just going to start ignoring and if he doesn't get a rise out of me then maybe he’ll quit that shit. I know boys do this to flex and make it a jealousy thing and it fucking works but I hate it!!! Besides that, he doesn't talk about his ex unless its negative which is so nice cause it was all we heard about for a fucking while and that got annoying but it started to go away thank god. And even though it might seem clear as day that someone just needs to say something, that's where the whole current problem is. Who is going to say something that is not an innuendo which is sexy but sometimes very confusing. I even called him out last night and I was like you only speak in innuendos and sometimes they are confusing and I just want to know what you really mean. followed by *wink* “you know what I mean” like NO I DO NOT! please tell me because I want you to say it directly because I will probably fuck you in the exact position if you're sitting in if you do. 

I see it right in front of me every day that we even act like we're a couple and yeah I do it a little more than he does but its there and reciprocated. We look out for each other and want to hear about each other's days. We don't usually go a day without taking in some form and it constantly makes me so happy. Not going to lie I am smiling so freakin big right now. I just need him to break through his hold back and open himself up to me because then that's my cue to be full-on girlfriend because I want it so bad. I will hold off for a while but when I have a sign to move in, I will. In just two weeks' time, we will be getting in the car and be taking a 13-hour car ride together to Alabama for spring break where we have our own room and bed. I am not going to lie to you this is something out of one of my dreams that I would never think to happen. But it is, and I get to spend a very good amount of time with him which I am absolutely so excited to do. This also comes with a lot of anxiety, I mean if he didn't want to do this or spend this much time with me he wouldn't. Especially because we are stopping on the way back to spend the night with my best friend that none of my friends here have met yet. but still anxious, I just want things to work out, and that's the bottom line. I really just want us to sleep together on the trip and realize we are meant to be together and all the happily ever after shit, but what if that's not in the cards and I get my heart broken again. It wouldn't surprise me by any means and honestly, maybe I’d even expect it. So is this where the real anxiety is? I always expect things wont work out but what if, god forbid, it just did? To be with someone like I have wanted for such a long stretch of my life. It would be so different and fulling and exciting and worth it. So I am guessing, secondary to this, I don't want to mess it up. I want to do everything perfectly because that's what's gonna get me to him. But I am starting to realize more and more, that being myself whos stupid when shes high, a strong conservative fighter and a heavy toucher gets us to the closest place we can be. We bicker about stupid things but end smiling and I like him even more for being so passionate about something so small and stupid. 

He's just so different. Couple inches shorter than me but a much, much bigger ego is not someone I could say that I think I’d fall head over heels for but I have. His hard to appeal nature with a pompous attitude turns me on so much. It makes his validation worth it and when he gives out compliments it makes a difference because he never does that stuff. He's hard to please and it makes me want him more. He's so freakin smart too and it has to make me think that he has everything planned out in his head of this will go. He often will say “I know exactly what you think about me” and I'm like fuck you I have no idea how you feel about me but in reality I said “you have NO idea”, but I know he does! Its almost just not fair at all, I'm too transparent with my feelings so now he's the one that can take his time because he has my feelings calculated, little science bitch. I guess a lot of this anxiety comes from not knowing and wishing I did and trying to find out how he feels but I can figure it out for the life of me like have writer's block or lost a puzzle piece. I'll get him to open up about anything else in the world but only his eyes and innuendos will speak to me so that's all I got. 

I started this feeling a lot more anxious about where I saw my place in his life. And It gets like this where one day I will feel so secure with how we are communicating and other days I just get scared that I’m doing something wrong or too much. It just makes me think about it so much. I don't reject the positive thoughts and it usually brightens my day thinking about him, but when they are negative or confusing it's really hard to focus on anything or be motivated to do anything but something like this or just lay down and think. I liked searching for an answer for a while because it was fun to figure him out but I'm ready for an answer and an action because I just want to be all over him knowing that he's finally mine. I don't want to think of it as wishful thinking but it can really feel like it sometimes. It's hard to determine too much because even though it has gone on for some time, the development has really only been in the past month and waiting for a couple weeks for an environment that will kind of create a forced answer. I'm just so ready for this to happen and have the opportunity to spend the amount of time together that couples do. My mindset will be optimistic, not anxious. Let things come as they will. If they are supposed to come and create a world, then they will. Obviously, I will push it little bit but fighting for the ones you love is a tale as old as time. 

So, Alabama here I come. Do not try to dissect everything he says. Find your center. Feel secure in the relationship you have now and then hopeful and optimistic about what could happen. Let our emotions go together as they always do. Express my emotions the way they need to be and not be scared of what could happen because it’s not a blind confession because there are obviously feelings that I will pry if I need to cause we have a soft side for each other. Its the time to make him fall head over heels for me like I did for him too damn long ago. 

Revenge is a dish best served frozen.

The cliché goes, ‘Revenge is a dish best served cold.’ Well, my friends, consider this tale to be sub-zero platter of vengeance topped with a scoop of sweet, sweet irony. You may find it repulsive, inhuman even, a hard to believe chain of events that would leave only Satan himself with a throbbing erection. In my humble opinion, revenge is a dish best served frozen.

I was at a frat party a few years ago. Always having been a natural conversationalist, I found myself chatting up random person after random person. Hell, I was willing to talk about anything. The night went along fine, until I met one of the main antagonists in my life…

Her name was Caitlyn.

She was a smoking hot sorority girl from California. We laughed, joked, got talking about other things. Turned out we were into a lot of the same stuff.

We ended up going home together that night, and for the next few weeks we fucked like coked-up rabbits. I grew to like this girl, and she grew to like me. I’d say the day we made things, “official,” was the day she told me about her ex.

She had gotten out of a rough relationship. He was “abusive”, “cruel”, “controlling”. The heartbreaking part was when he bailed after knocking her up. She ultimately had a miscarriage, but the gravity of the situation had weighed on her ever since.

Two months into our relationship, I began to notice the same controlling tendencies in Caitlyn that she had mentioned about her ex. She’d check in on me almost every hour. Things like, ‘Miss you, baby’ ‘How are you?’ ‘Is everything okay? You haven’t texted me back?’ I knew she had some problems with anxiety, and I get it. It’s gotta be tough to rebound from such a shitty prior experience. Then she began to fight with me about seemingly nothing. Not getting enough likes on Instagram is just an example of the minuscule things that would set her off.

With all that crazy in mind, I’ll tell ya, the sex was out of this fucking world. What sucked is she wasn’t on birth control (“messed with her hormones”, yea ok…) I may be a fan of raw-dawging, but I’m more of a fan of not being a father. I’d wrap my jimmy-wang in rubber and go to town. After it was all said and done, I tie the rubber up and flush it. I couldn’t shake the memory of her previous pregnancy, so I would be more cautious than usual.

Any way, she was addicted to doggy and obsessed with cowgirl. You can bet that when I got the ‘come over’ text I’d drop whatever I was doing, I’d even stop mid shit, and screw on over to her place. She lived alone in a small duplex, her apartment being on the first floor. The privacy allowed us to fuck as loud and long as we wanted, but for some reason she hated blowjobs. If there’s one thing in life I love more than God, family, and friends, it’s a long, sloppy blowjob. She’d spoil me with the occasional one, but she hated the taste of spunk. However, she’d let me blast my undeveloped children in her mouth just to run to the bathroom, spit it out and brush her teeth. She’d come back a few minutes later and we’d fall asleep to whatever Netflix recommended that night.

Caitlyn and I had been together for six months now. We ran in the same circle almost everyday. She’d text me while I was in class, I wouldn’t respond because, for fuck’s sake, my education was important to me. She’d get mad. She’d avoid me, then dodge my texts, dodge my calls. I’d say I’m sorry and she’d act like nothing happened, like everything was peachy perfect again. She’d start sexting me at work; she’d send me nudes, she’d talk about how badly she wanted to ride my cock. We were both servers at different restaurants. I’d be walking to my tables with half a chub. I could only imagine that she was ignoring her tables just to text me.

I was beginning to realize that she didn’t have many friends. She insisted we be together 24/7. I really did like her, hell I think I almost could have loved her, but I needed my space too. I had friendships to maintain and grades to keep up. I finally snapped one day. I told her I was going to a party that night. It was my buddy Stan’s birthday. He wanted to have a good ole’ beers and bros night at his place. Stan’s dad was a dog breeder so drinking at Stan’s house was more like beers, bros and Rottweiler’s. Caitlyn wasn’t about to have any of it. She told me I didn’t care about her, or else I wouldn’t go to the party. She was supposed to work that night anyway. Did she expect me to sit at home, count my pubes and wait for her shift to end?

I felt bad. I couldn’t even bring myself to have a good time at Stan’s house. Hell, I probably only had a few beers. I remember sitting with Growler, the oldest of the dogs, and asking him what he thought. He just licked my face, farted and walked away. So I texted her, ‘Hey.’ Nothing. I waited a bit longer; maybe she still had tables? ‘Can we talk?’ Nothing. Fuck. I waited until I was sure she’d be home, and I drove over to her place. That’s when things got strange.

There were two cars in her drive way. Hers and another I didn’t recognize. I knocked on the door but she didn’t answer. I called out to her, but got nothing. I walked around back, to a window I knew would be unlocked. I shimmied it open and crawled through. I could hear something, a moan. I knew that moan. I hustled upstairs and pressed my ear to the door. I took a deep breath and barged through. There, being fucked by some skinny, crooked-dicked Mexican was Caitlyn. They shriek upon my entrance. I grabbed the kid by his throat and screamed at him to fuck off before I severed his crooked cock with a butter knife. (Believe me, it was quite crooked) He ran swiftly away.

I began to holler like I’ve never hollered before at her.

“HOW COULD YOU?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!”

She was shitfaced. I could smell the alcohol emitting from her breath as she tried to argue with me.

“FUCK YOU!”

“YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE GONE TO THAT PARTY!”

“YOU KNEW IT UPSET ME!”

“YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT ME! YOU HATE ME!”

I’m a patient man, a willing-to-work-with-you kind of guy, but if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a cheater. She must have drowned herself in a bottle of vodka, and Señor Crooked Cock was the first person to even so much as smile at her. I told her we were over. I tried to leave but she leaped on my back and dug her nails into my neck like a fucking animal. She had dug in deep, but I had managed to buck her off and back onto the bed. I hollered at her once more before slamming the door and driving home.

My phone never stopped buzzing the next day. Text on top of text, call on top of call, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, I wouldn’t have been surprised if she tried to send a carrier pigeon as a last ditch attempt to contact me. That’s when I received a text worthy of my attention.

It read, “You better take me back…or else.”

“Or else” could’ve meant anything, but I shrugged it off as an idle threat. I came home from class that day when it hit me. ‘Shit, my Xbox, it’s still at her place.’ I could have gone without the few T-shirts and the spare toothbrush, but I couldn’t leave my Xbox there. I was a single man again and COD Black Ops 2 was beckoning me. ‘Shit, what if that was the or else? What if she broke it?”

I waited for her to leave for work that night before sneaking in through the same window. Thankfully, my Xbox was in pristine condition. For good measure I grabbed the spare T-Shirts and tossed the spare toothbrush in the trash. I was getting ready to leave when my stomach rumbled. I remembered a frozen pizza I put in her freezer a few nights ago. Fuck her. That’s my pizza. It was wedged in there like a bastard. When I pulled it out, a few bags of frozen veggies came with it. I picked them up to put them back in when I noticed something odd in the back of the freezer. There were three small tinctures that had been hidden behind the bags of veggies. I pulled one out and used the flashlight on my phone to examine it. Frozen inside was an opaque white substance. That’s when my world came to a screeching halt.

Inside these tinctures wasn’t frozen lemonade, it was semen…my semen. Not that I know the frozen appearance of my own splooge juice, but I could only assume.

I started to sweat and shake.

She wasn’t spitting my unborn children into the sink. She was saving them! Probably to use against me should the relationship derail. Did she do the same thing to her previous ex? Was everything she told me about him a lie?

Sweet Mary Mother of God! What if she’s already shot one of these up there? Can you even freeze semen in a conventional freezer? She sure seemed to think so! I pulled my phone out to text her… but I stopped. The worried expression on my face became a pensive stare followed by a wide smile, the sort of smile that Satan himself would crack.

I texted her this, “Hey babe, after thinking about it all day. I think I’ll give you another chance…”

She texted me back shortly after. She was ecstatic, willing to change, try harder this time. She was so sorry. This bought me some time to begin planning. I pocketed the three tinctures of man juice and replaced everything else just as it was. I couldn’t let her know I had been there. (Yes, I even got the toothbrush out of the trash)

Remember how I said I’m a patient man? A willing-to-work-with-you kind of guy? I’m also a vengeful son-of-a-bitch. My motto is, “Expect the unexpected,” and boy was it time to act.

Phase 1

The weekend was approaching. I had told Caitlyn that I was willing to take her back, but just needed a little time to relax and spend with my family. She understood and promised not to rush me back into the relationship. I was banking on her not checking her secret stash of frozen testicle boogers. I made sure to text her every so often, get an idea of where she was and make her believe that I wasn’t going anywhere. Luckily for me, she was working all weekend.

I went to Stan’s house with the tinctures and told him everything. Stan and I had been friends since grade school. His father was more of a dad to me than my own. I was hoping that Papa Stan would go along with my scheme. He was more than happy to help.

Phase 2

We emptied the now thawed tinctures into the drain. The smell was enough to make us gag. I felt especially bad for the dogs. You know, heightened sense of smell and all.

Stan got Growler hot and bothered; he dropped to one knee, placed some sort of dog condom over his rocket and started jerking away. I made sure to film the entire ordeal on my phone, from the first stroke to the last drop. If ten years ago someone told me that I’d one day shoot a video of my best friend and his dad jerking off a dog, I’d have told them to go and whole-heartedly fuck themselves. But boy did ole’ Growler perform for the camera. Stan was able to fill the three tinctures to the brim with plenty to spare. (Two birds with one stone, two dogs with one hand…I think it works.)

I wait until Caitlyn left for work that night before I snuck back in through the window. I put the tinctures back where I found them and slipped out unseen. I had never left her house so satisfied in my life.

Sunday rolls around and she text’s me, “Hey, do you want to get lunch and talk?”

My response, “After thinking more about it, I’ve decided that I can’t get back together with you. Sorry ☹”

My phone erupts in texts spewing the same threat from before, "or else." I told her to do her worst and leave me alone.

A few days went by before she came barreling up my driveway. She kicked, screamed, punched and through an all around tantrum in my front yard. By now my roommates knew the entire story and were willing to back me one-hundred percent. We called the police and all hell broke loose.

“He raped me! He beat me! He did this! He did that!” she screamed to the cops. Fortunately the cops listened to my roommates and a handful of neighbors that were witness to her actions. They told her to get lost or else they’d arrest her.

Two weeks passed without any contact. She finally called me and I ignored it along with the next ten calls before finally answering.

“Hello?”

“I’m pregnant.”

“What?

“I’m pregnant… it’s yours.”

“You sure it’s not that skinny, crooked-dicked Mexican’s?”

She starts to yell.

“NO! IT’S YOURS! YOU NEED TO COME HERE NOW!”

I obliged and went over. We had a long talk about options, about getting back together and about the night I walked in on her. She eventually got up to go to the bathroom and I made my move. I rapidly checked the back of the freezer and sure enough, the tinctures were gone! I tried my hardest to contain my laughter. I shit you not; there was even a turkey baster on the counter and I’m sure as shit positive it’s not from making a turkey dinner the other day (she couldn’t cook for shit).

I stayed a while longer, trying as hard as I could to keep my composure. I couldn’t look at her without thinking about Growler, without thinking of her grandmother inevitably using the turkey baster on Thanksgiving. She kept talking and talking and all I could picture was what she might look like with whiskers, a big snout and a stubby tail.

But it’s not over yet, my friends.

Phase 3

She agreed to take a pregnancy test at the hospital just to be sure. She was convinced she was carrying my child and had no objections to it. However, the test came back negative.

I wish you could have seen the look on her face. I had to stand in the back and pretend to scratch my mouth to conceal my smile. We got back to her place and I assured her that it was over between us. Especially now that she wasn’t pregnant. Cue more hysterical screaming followed by my swift departure.

The semester came to an end, and I had begun to hear less and less from Caitlyn. She finally admitted defeat and returned home to California.

That’s when she inevitably texts me a few weeks into the summer. She says she misses me, misses us. She wants to try again once school resumes in the fall. I simply tell her to keep an eye on her mail; she’ll be getting something from me soon. She must have watched her mailbox like a teenager watches porn, constantly and without blinking.

What was she so patiently waiting for? Simple, a USB drive and a note. The note read, “If you don’t want this on the Internet, you’ll never contact me again. Revenge is a dish best served FROZEN” What was on the USB drive you ask? Easy, it was a beautifully edited video of good ole’ Growler getting his carrot snapped and spunk deposited in the same tinctures she tried to trap me with.

I deleted every trace of her from my life. Every memory, every picture, I even brought myself to delete the video. I thought the story would be way too much to explain if someone accidentally stumbled upon it. I was confident that she wouldn’t try to talk to me and I was hopeful that she had learned her lesson after unknowingly injecting dog jizz inside her body. I shouldn’t have been so naïve.

Last week I received a text from a number I recognized. It simply said, “Hey,”

Caitlyn, if you’re reading this… well… I warned ya’.

Woof

Woof

Woof

TL;DR: Caught my girlfriend cheating, she wants me back. I say no and find out she was storing my semen inside her freezer. I replace it with dog semen. She doesn’t’ find out until it’s too late and she’s 3000 miles away.

I know you are struggling right now. You are not the prettiest, or the thinnest, or the best at dancing at the Laine Theatre Arts college. You have never properly fitted in, although you are sharing your Surrey school digs with really nice girls. You have bad acne. You think the principal has put you at the back of the end-of-year show (in a humiliatingly bright purple Lycra leotard) because you are too plump to go at the front. (This may or may not be true.) There is a red telephone box outside the school and you have just rung your parents, crying, “I can’t do this, I miss home, I’m not good enough.” And Mum has told you to come home. “We’ll go to Lakeside and buy a new pair of shoes,” she said. It’s tempting. But then Dad got on the phone: “Stay there, prove everyone wrong.” If you’d listened to Mum, you would be going to Lakeside. (Shoes are important, just not right now.) It would be the easy solution. And I’m writing to jolly you along, to offer consolation and encouragement, and to tell you, aged 18, to be strong. You haven’t forgotten being bullied at school, have you? Do you recall that first day at secondary school? Most children were wearing their own coats and had the latest cool bag, but not you. Kitted out in the full St Mary’s High School uniform, you stood in the freezing playground while other teenagers walking past threw soggy tissues and old Coke cans that they plucked from the puddles. But the thick skin that you developed then is already standing you in good stead, and it will do so for the rest of your life. Your complexion will sort itself out (in fact you will launch your own make-up brand); as soon as the Eighties are over, your perm will die down, and your weight will settle itself. At school you eat Super Noodles and boxes of Frosties because they say they are fat free, and you will endure many other silly fad diets (including an addiction to green juices). Instead, learn to embrace your imperfections – that is what I want to tell you. Let your skin breathe; wear less make-up. (And don’t ever let that make-up artist shave your eyebrows! The effects last forever.) You will always be addicted to Elnett hairspray but you will tone it down. Less of the “Hello! I just got stuck in a wind tunnel”, please. And I should probably say, don’t mess with your boobs. All those years I denied it – stupid. A sign of insecurity. Just celebrate what you’ve got. Do answer an ad in The Stage, looking for candidates to form a new girl band. Line up around the block and audition to change your life. You love musicals – Miss Saigon, Cats, Starlight Express and Les Misérables – so you will perform “Mein Herr” from Cabaret, while everyone else sings a Madonna song. You haven’t yet heard of the internet or electronic mail or smartphones. Nor have you perfected the art of the selfie for Instagram (you can’t even turn on a computer right now, and Dad still drives to London to send a telex). But one day you will find that audition performance again online, and at the same time discover that your name brings up 47,800,000 search results on Google. The judges of the competition will match you to four other girls, all misfits in their own ways. Together you will make it OK to look different. And, as the Spice Girls, you will sell 75 million records. You cannot possibly imagine your future life right now. You will travel on private planes, visit incredible countries, stay in fantastic hotels. (At the beginning, you will steal the hotel mini shampoos, shower gels and conditioners, but you soon realise that they leak in your suitcase – often disastrously.) You will storm into people’s offices, leap on to tables in hotels and go crazy (although you will also be the one checking that the table isn’t going to collapse). You will meet Nelson Mandela, Mariah Carey and Elton John. But please, I implore you, keep a diary. There will be so many amazing moments, and you will forget. There will also be down days and bad days. You will often be so busy that you will be in a different country every day. And being young and a bit silly, you’ll complain and sit in hotel rooms and moan about being tired. Go out and see the country where you are. Go to galleries, go to museums. Soak up the culture. You are lucky to be there. If you don’t join the Spice Girls, you might always be that insecure person in that little shell, and you will never become who you truly are. With this in mind, be kind, be polite, be considerate of others’ feelings, because I know that every one of us would sit here now and say they’re not the main culprit, but we didn’t fully appreciate each other a lot of the time. So practise what you preach when you sing “friendship never ends”, and celebrate everyone’s uniqueness. You are going to have so much fun with your clothes – PVC catsuits; chokers that say absurd things; weird spiky blonde hair. It will never occur to you that you appear ridiculous. You will turn up at awards ceremonies resembling a drag queen. But I look back at you and smile. It will add interest to your life to go from one extreme to another. I love the fact that you will feel free to express yourself. Fashion will take on added stature one day, but try not to be stifled by it. You will learn, as you mature, to swap heels for Stan Smith trainers, minidresses for crisp white shirts. And you will never be one of those people who just roll out of bed. Wear sunglasses a lot. Even inside. Especially at airports. They turn a nothing-outfit into something quite pulled together and cool. You are going to really like Aviators. (Then one day you will develop your own!) On boyfriends and lasting love: learn more about football, especially the offside rule. And yes, love at first sight does exist. It will happen to you in the Manchester United players’ lounge – although you will get a little drunk, so exact details are hazy. While the other football players stand at the bar drinking with their mates, you will see David standing aside with his family. (He’s not even in the first team at this stage – you are the famous one.) And he has such a cute smile. You, too, are close to your family, and you will think how similar he feels to you. He’s going to ask for your number. (He still has the London-to-Manchester plane ticket on which you wrote it.) I’m afraid that most of your first dates will be in car parks, which is not as seedy as it sounds. It is because your manager, Simon Fuller, will warn you, “Don’t let anyone see you out together or you’ll get hounded.” At the time, you won’t understand why. You are going to be very, very famous, both for the band you form and because of the man you marry, and then later for a fashion business you will launch in your own name. You will get used to fame. Although you cannot set a price on losing privacy, you will learn to use celebrity to your advantage. For good things. For charity. One day you will have the privilege to campaign on behalf of the United Nations to end mother-to-child transmission of HIV and Aids in Africa. And people will listen. Changes will happen. That is not to say you won’t be affected by what you see of yourself in the press. It will hurt you when people comment on your weight. It will continue to upset you whatever age you are, because we women are very tough on ourselves. The paparazzi will become part of your life, their long lenses waiting. Some are nice, some not. They may make your children cry, or they may give you a compliment – but you will not be able to control every image they publish. When you are pregnant with Brooklyn, they will snap you sitting by the pool at the Four Seasons Hotel in Los Angeles in a black-and-white bikini, and the picture will make the front page of a British newspaper. It is an unkind shot and so upsetting that for the rest of the tour you will barely leave your hotel or sit outside. And I’m the same now. Do I relax on the beach in a bikini? No. I am still hugely self-critical, and because of that I can be a little uptight. My 60-year-old self would probably say the same thing to me as I am telling you now: enjoy yourself a little more. Be less image-conscious. Learn to relax. You are going to make mistakes – of course you are. You will be super-super-successful, but you will find out that you can lose it all much more quickly than you can earn it. That is a hard lesson to learn. Collectively, I now see, the Spice Girls were victims of our own success, believing we could do anything, that the sky was the limit, that we could do it all on our own. You will learn from that, and when you have another opportunity you will not lose it again. On being a mother: once you are a parent, you worry. And you are going to have four, so that’s a lot of worry! Mum likes to say, “You might be 42, but I still worry about you.” Children mean that you will be constantly tired and will develop big bags under your eyes. Your children will always come first, but never forget who you are and what you want to achieve. Is it possible to have it all? To be a successful working mother? You will hear this question asked by many women as you grow older. What you will realise is that by working hard, yet always putting family first, it will be possible to achieve that balance. Nothing will be perfect, but it is only now that I have learnt to appreciate all I have and all I have been blessed with. I am happy. A word on school sports day: never wear platform heels and flares if you have to take part in the mothers’ race. And never believe another mum when she says she will stick with you at the back of the race. Because she won’t. And when they announce, “It’s the taking part that counts,” it’s not. It’s all about winning. You will shout at home but never at work. Be a nice boss. Ultimately, go with what you think, but don’t smother those who are talented. (If they are not, then admittedly I get frustrated – I’m not very tolerant.) On marriage: have patience. Bite your tongue. Be supportive. And preserve a bit of mystique. Never let yourself go completely (at least brush your hair, clean your teeth, have a bit of a brow going on because you will always want him to look at you and feel attracted). Always make time for each other. Because if you don’t, everything will revolve around the children and I’m not sure how sexy that is! And do not forget the person you fell in love with. You will follow your man around the world, moving from Manchester to Spain, and then America. In Spain you will revel in watching him enjoy some of his best footballing days. Spain is also where you will lay the foundations for your own fashion brand by collaborating with others on denim and sunglasses. But I need to warn you: a lot of your time there will be really hard. I’m not afraid to say now what a horribly difficult time it was. People will say awful things. You will be a laughing stock. Every time you turn on the television or look at a newspaper it will seem as though someone is having a go at you and your family. You will learn how mean other women can be. (And it will teach you always to support the women around you, to take them on a journey with you.) Others would crack under the pressure, but you won’t. Use that time to close off, to focus, work hard and protect the children. In relationships people will throw obstacles in your way, and you either manoeuvre around them or you trip up. You will never discuss with David how many children you both want; you don’t say to each other, “Where shall we live?” You don’t discuss any of that because you will be young and in love. Even when you don’t necessarily want the same thing, your support for each other will mean that you will stick together and grow up together. And it will be worth it. Most days, you will look at your life and think, “Wow! I was never the one who was supposed to get all this.” I want to tell you that I still feel that way now. Recently I was in New York for the British Vogue cover shoot in a penthouse at the Carlyle hotel. I looked out of the window and I could see the sun shining and all the yellow cabs below and I pinched myself. You are going to have many of those moments. Don’t take them for granted.