Not Cannon and Not Fannon, a secret third thing called I desperately misunderstood/misinterpreted this charcter as a child and now everyone else's charcterization is wrong because it doesn't fit my specific decade old hallucinations.

Reflection

hey journal,

i was pleasantly surprised by today and last night. i received way more birthday wishes than i was expecting and i think i finally understanding the purpose of celebrating them. for a while, i spent it alone bc i didnt have any friends or was simply too busy working on other things to worry about it. i was never one to really go out of my way and host a party or anything and it’s been a struggle for me to bite my tongue about it. but i think im finally at a place where i can no longer care so much about it. in actively not telling people when my birthday is, it showed i still care. but now i can let that go. bc birthdays are an opportunity for your loved ones and everyone that you have influenced to show their appreciation for you. i kind of regret the instagram posts i made today bc it was never my intention to draw attention to myself. but it’s too late now! what’s done is done haha. if people find out about it, then so be it. if they don’t mention it, then thats fine too. i had prepared myself for my sister and maybe tiffany to wish me a happy birthday so i was really surprised when everyone in my family remembered along with some friends. it made me feel really loved and appreciated and im glad. 

i finally got to talk to grace an earlier but our time was cut short and it just made me realize that i dont really think ive ever really been myself with the people at sa-rang. a lot of people are leaving and a lot of change is happening. and hopefully it’s for the better. for the first time, im not afraid of chicago and im happy to be here and i know my place and purpose. but i am afraid to return there. bc everyone already has a certain expectation of who i am, i feel like i cant all of a sudden be super extroverted and loud and involved bc that’s not how they perceive me as. it does make me sad that im not a part of their culture but i dont want to be so afraid to voice my opinions and communicate the flaws in the system. i know that i have a lot to do and growing but i do think i am doing better. even with the people at lakeview, im not totally myself and have definitely lied about my bad habits but i do believe they have a more accurate understanding of my personality. i am just pretty upset that theyve seen me cry so freaking often. im not actually that sensitive yall! it’s just that a lot happened this year! D: please dont perceive me in this way! i think that’s my biggest fear. misconceptions and misunderstandings. this isnt who i am and i want you to see me for me but im afraid that it’s too late. and i know that it’s not in my heart. i just have to strengthen my will and confidence and be the happy go lucky person i have always been. who grace an first met in jr high was the real me. who jason first met at spring retreat was the real me. and i really love the real me. but i think through the busyness and excitement of it all, i’ve lost that part of myself and it’s been easy to lose sight of reality. and that’s the whole purpose of these reflections! i want to play the ukulele again and be more proactive in learning new skills and hobbies. i just started longboarding but i dont want that to prevent me from growing in other aspects. im sure i’ll be busy with the internship but that doesnt mean i have to drown in media again. i think focusing on my hobbies and working on new skills is a good alternative that doesnt take away from the truth. and plus, i can go back to school next year better than ever! C:

I do want to spend more time reading and listening to Christian music bc im feeling it and just have my own worship time without having to worry about how my roommates are perceiving me. this is me in my unapologetic form and im proud of who i am. but more importantly, i am so proud of my identity in Christ. I am rooted in Him above all else and I know recently I’ve wavered a bit in my faith but I don’t want to. I don’t want to sing to make a good impression on newcomers. I want to sing bc I need to sing. I want to pray because I want to pray. I want to come before God without having to worry about anyone or anything else and just come as I am. I am excited to reconnect with old friends. It’s been a while. And I would love to tell them all about everything that has happened and I don’t want to be afraid of leaving out any details. i want to be punny and excited and loud and bold and unapologetic and 100% me.