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prettytoxicrevolver · 4 years

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Bless The Broken Road | Woodland Demars

Warnings? broken past, mentions of abusive ex, mentions of a hospital trip, little bit of angst

Requested? Yes indeed! I’m sorry it took so long!

Summary: You had been set out on a narrow path to hopefully find your one true love for years now. However, after an ex makes it so you don’t want to live in your hometown anymore, you move to LA where you meet Woods. And he helps you pick up the pieces.

Word Count: 2,078

“Are you ready to go?” Woods asks and you look over your outfit once more. He comes up behind you in the mirror and wraps his arms around your waist. You smile and lean your head against his.

“You look, marvelous darling,” he says and your smile widens. “Are you nervous?”

“Very, but it’s gonna be fine.”

“They’re gonna love you.”

Today you were meeting the rest of Woods' coworkers and awaiting a big surprise from him. You had met most of the Hi5 crew previously through visits to the studio and hangouts with them and Woods, but not everyone. Woods wanted to take this party as an opportunity for you to meet his work family. Naturally, you were scared they wouldn’t like you all that much.

You had met Woods three years ago when you moved to LA. Sam was actually your childhood best friend and she had been talking about LA and Hi5 for ages now. She knew about your situation back home and offered for you to move in with her. After settling in a bit, you two met one night when she and a few more Hi5 people were hanging out at the apartment.

You had just gotten home from a shift at the library you were working at at the time and honestly you were exhausted. You found Woods sitting in your living room at home and instantly became a little worried.

“Hi!” He greeted and when you still gave him a confused look he remembered that he’s the stranger in your home and not the other way around.

“Oh yeah! I’m Woods. I'm one of Sam’s friends from work,” he continued before standing and walking over to shake your hand.

“I’m (y/n),” you said and he awkwardly smiled and walked back over to the couch.

You were intrigued by him from the start but you never really knew why. That night you said a couple of more words towards the older boy but your past kept up with you and you couldn’t do much to keep the thoughts away.

One of the main reasons you moved from home was to escape your past. Everything that happened there felt like it lurked around every corner and being surrounded by that constantly did a number on you every day. When you moved, as cheesy as it was, everything was new and it helped.

Back home you went through a series of rough breakups and tough family problems that eventually would take a toll on you. The worst was Jacob.

You two were madly in love for months. You spent every second possible with Jacob and thought he loved you just as much in return. Until things started changing. He'd make comments on your weight, ask you to change clothes if he didn't like the outfit, keep you away from friends. The list went on and on and on.

You tried to convince yourself that he did it out of love. That he wanted what was best for you but you couldn't see the issue. However, one night you came home from work a little late after consoling a friend and Jacob snapped.

You fought for what felt like hours, Jacob accused you of cheating and plotting against him. You stepped towards him and with one shove you were sent tumbling along with a glass vase that would end up slicing your hands and the side of your face so deep you had to go to the hospital. Jacob was left behind from that day on.

While the physical wounds healed in a couple of weeks, to this day you were still recovering emotionally. You stayed in your hometown for as long as you could bear but it quickly became too much. You knew that moving was the right choice and it had been for a long time now.

Moving to LA would eventually help you start to refocus on yourself and get back on track as you healed. Therapy, your new friends, and a new job all helped tremendously with that. Woods was a blessing through it all.

After that first night, Woods was around a lot more. He’d come to visit Sam or you’d seen him for a friends night out. You tried to talk to him for a bit but it never worked as your anxiety often got the best of you, until one night after your shift at work.

You loved your job at the library but after this shift you had spent the day dealing with a couple of frustrating parents, getting snapped at by your boss for not getting all of your work done, and overall frustration at the mistreatment of beautiful novels.

Woods was sitting just where you found him the night you met when you walked into the apartment. At this time, you had become comfortable enough to collapse onto the couch near him and relax until you got enough motivation to get up and change.

“You okay?” He asked when you looked like you practically could cry the minute you sat down.

“Yes,” you responded instantly, as your instincts told you too. However, a steady stream of tears betrayed your words and made their way down your cheeks.

“Okay no. I’m sorry,” you apologize. You’ve always hated other people seeing you cry even when it was your family. It was something built into you and while it certainly wasn’t your best trait you couldn’t help it.

As more tears rolled down your face you tried to frantically wipe them away as you apologized through a thick voice.

“It’s okay,” He said coming over and taking your hands from your face. You’re shocked by the action and everything in you ceases for a moment.

“Bad day at work?” He asked slowly letting go of your hands and you find yourself wishing he didn’t.

“Yes, very. I’m sorry it was all just building up and so many things went wrong today and I-”

“(y/n) it’s okay,” he reassures you once more before placing his hand over yours and rubbing circles on the back of your thumb.

You both sat up talking for a while, you explained the events of what felt like a nightmare day from the worst of your imagination and he told you about his day and how it actually wasn’t too bad. The conversation developed and before you knew it you were both just talking. Talking about nothing and everything and about if aliens are real and why the sky is blue and where we came from and why we are the person we are today.

It was the best conversation you had had in a while.

Every time after Woods would come to the house, you and he would end up in a long conversation. It was always easy going and started off about something and you never know where or how you got to the next topic but you did and it just flowed.

And one day, he ended up asking you out. You were beyond nervous at first, expecting things to change or to even end up like things between you and Jacob had but it was the same just in fancier clothes and with food. Everything with Woods was easy. He made you feel free and easy. He was safe and comfortable.

He was there when you still fought with nightmares about Jacob and those insecurities.

You had decided to spend the night at Woods house as you had stayed much later than you expected and he didn’t want you driving so late at night alone. You woke up in a cold sweat from a horrendous nightmare about Jacob finding you here in LA and ruining the happiness you found.

You rose from Woods bed and carefully tiptoed out into the kitchen to grab something to drink before settling into the familiar couch cushions. Your eyes wandered around the room to try and focus on something else instead of the nightmare but you couldn’t help it.

“(y/n)?” Woods called quietly as he entered the living room and you looked up to him standing in the doorway. You smiled at him half-heartedly and he met you on the couch, wrapping you up in his arm instantly.

“What’s wrong my darling?”

“Just a bad nightmare is all,” You insisted but he only half-believed you.

“Like a Jacob nightmare?” He asked. One of the nights you spent talking, you had told him the reason, the real reason, why you moved here. He had been a light through it all.

You nodded and he pulled you even closer till you were sitting in his lap. He reached a hand up to push your hair back behind your ears before leaning and pressing a kiss to your nose and then one to your lips. When he leaned back to look at you he searched your eyes for some kind of answer.

“I just wish I was able to give that time to you my dear,” You admit and he smiles that smile that reminds you that he already knew that. He knows you inside and out and that everything is okay.

“I know. But we’re here now and that’s all that matters.”

You look across the car at that man now, the one who loved all of your broken pieces till you picked them back up and you’re thankful. You take his hand in yours and press a kiss to the back of it and Woods smiles widely at you.

“We’re here,” he announces when we pull into the studio parking lot. He turns off the car and runs around to open your door and extends a hand to you.

You take it and together the two of you walk into the warehouse together where everyone is waiting. With Woods by your side, you quickly realize your nerves have fallen away. At the end of the day, all that matters was you and him.

After making your rounds and meeting everyone in the studio you hadn’t met before, you take your seats as Domarina begins to speak. Woods takes your hand in his underneath the table and squeezes it lightly, a silent communication between the two of you.

“And now our very own Woodland Demars has a few words he wants to say,” she says and gestures to your boyfriend. You look over to him as he stands and offers you a wink in which you give him a confused smile.

“Hey guys, as you know my lovely girlfriend (y/n) has joined us tonight,” he says pointing to you and you wave shyly. “And I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to talk about her for a bit so darling can you come here?”

You make your way up to the makeshift stage with suspicion running through your mind. Woods is practically beaming at you when you reach him and he takes your hand and faces you as he continues talking.

“(y/n) always likes to say that I am her true love and over the course of every long lost dream, and broken heart, it was a northern star pointing to me,” he continues practically reciting the two of yours song God Bless The Broken Road by Rascall Flatts.

“And while the road to finding each other hasn’t been easy, I thank God every day for blessing it because I found you, my love,” he says now talking directly to you.

At this point he’s let go of your hand and he reaches into his pocket and your mind is going a million miles an hour. You freeze as he slowly moves so he’s kneeling down in front of you and you’re rendered speechless as he keeps talking.

“You’re the light of my life and I’m so thankful that I met you on this broken road. And I want you here for the rest of my life. I love you so much and I want to ask if you would do me the honor of marrying me?”

“Yes, of course.”

Woods stands and you dive straight into his arms as he wraps his around your waist tightly. You lean back only for a second to meet in a chaste kiss. When he lets go he slips the most beautiful but simple ring on your finger and you feel like you’re floating on air.

“I will love you to the end of time,” he says pressing another kiss to your lips.

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kasey-writes-stuff · 4 years

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Like ofc I would be sorta nervous to meet Paul and I definitely feel like and awkward situation would happen when I would go to hug him but I feel like overall I could talk to him fairly easily and oml the thought of meeting Connor it seems even easier than meeting Paul like I just imagine being at a convention and seeing him and suddenly heading towards him and being like “Yooo Connor!” And him turning and being a little confused and then me saying “it’s pam.” And him smiling and being like “oh no way! Sick to finally meet you dude!” And then him like seeming to debate whether to go for a hug or hi5 but then deciding on just doing both and so we hi5 and then he pulls me in for a hug and we hug for a few seconds and then we just talk for ages and ages but with woods oh gosh i- oof we- I- I would be shaking and like probably try and shake his hand and then apologize for being so formal and then apologize for being so nervous and then him be like “it’s totally cool dude just relax I’m just a normal dude like you,okay I’ve said dude way too many times but you get what I mean” and then he laughs and I get the biggest smile on my face just enjoying the sound of hearing it so clear and in person and then he like asks if I want a hug or something and I say “of course!” But then try and calm myself and say “uh yea sure” and he laughs and smiles as he holds his arms open and I gladly lowkey almost run into his arms and he almost falls a bit but catches himself and chuckles as he hugs me back just as tightly if not more tightly than I’m hugging him and he just lets me control the hug and so after like 5 seconds I slowly start to loosen my grip and then fully let go and so then I’m less nervous but still kinda stumble over my words and everything and so then we just sit on the ground and talk for ages and then when he gets ready to leave he iniates another hug and this time he controls it and does it a little softer than the last one but still really comforting and he kisses the top of my head and slips something into my pocket making me giggle and jump a bit as he either on purpose or accidentally grazes my side as he puts it in and then he smirks slightly before smiling and telling me how it was great to meet me and to hit him up sometime and so I’m just smiling widely as ever and I nod as I say “I will for sure!” He laughs a bit as he says “I know you will” and so then suddenly Connor comes from seemingly out of nowhere and says “ooohhhh someone has a crush on woods and just got his number” and I turn snd say “oh shut up I do not and I did not” and so then he says “mmm sure why don’t you see what he left in your pocket then” and I say “alright!” And so I pull out an empty gum wrapper and say “Ha! See he just gave me his trash” and Connor rolls his eyes as he grabs the gun wrapper and turns it around showing me that it in fact does have his number on it “holy crap it does have his number, woods gave me his number! The woodland demars gave me HIS number!” And Connor laughs as he ruffles my hair a bit “why wouldn’t he you’re a great person Pam” I smile as I hug him again and say “thanks uncle Connor” he sighs but laughs a bit as he hugs back and says “you’re welcome” and so then Paul shows up and says “woah woah woah what are we thanking uncle Connor for? Excuse me I am your dad and you didn’t thank me for anything” and before I can say anything Connor says “oh nothing just that I kept her from missing out on a certain boys number she was about to throw away cause she thought it was just trash” and so Paul raises an eyebrow and says “oh really guys already giving you their numbers hmm? Who is this boy?” And I start blushing as I stare at the ground quietly saying “it’s woods...” and then Paul cups a hand to his ear as he says “hmmm what I couldn’t hear you” and then I compose myself a bit as I look at him and say “it’s woods” he looks a little shocked as he says “no way woods like never gives his number to anyone!” My eyes widen as I say “really!?” He nods and says “yes really! I didn’t even get his number until like last year”

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meiiyung · 5 years

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have you ever wanted to date a Kardashian- woods demars

Requested: YES!

Warnings: None

Type: Fluff

The morning sky was dark and cold, not ready to fill the world with warmth from the sun as the day had come to an early start. A fit of groans and whines pulled themselves from the blanket- a figure desperately trying to cling to some much needed sleep.

but alas, a loud annoying beeping started to float across the room- (y/n)’s alarm clock rolling off her dresser and scooting around the floor on motorized wheels. It was moments like this when she somewhat regretted buying the stupid device.

finally pulling herself out of the comfortable and warm depths of pillows and blankets, the girl padded across the room- looking for the alarm clock as it steered under her bed, it might be worth mentioning that the alarm became increasingly louder the longer it was on.

As her knees hit the floor ad her annoyance took over, (y/n) grabbed the clock and smacked the snooze button- sighing in relief as her thoughts were no longer drowned by the screeching alarm.

placing it back on the dresser as she headed into the bathroom, (y/n) saw that it was only 5:30 am. A growl leaving her lips. She had work at 8:00am but because she lived so far, it was quite the journey to make it on time.

The girl’s annoyed frown deepened as she caught sight of herself in the bathroom mirror. A pink tinge on her nose and her cheeks were flushed. Dark circles sinking into her eyes and chapped lips threatening to crack.

And now she was sick.

From the bedroom, (y/n)’s phone dinged with a message alert. Her boyfriend woods was just saying good morning and hoping she was feeling somewhat better.

The previous night he had been over to make her soup and give loads of cuddles, knowing his girl was sick made his stomach twist with worry.

Her phone felt familiar in her palm as she replied almost instantly. “Feeling worse, but I still have to go in today- might ask matt if i can take off early thought :) “ she was hoping her boss wouldn't mind and that woods wouldn't become too protective.

After emptying her stomach into the toilet, (y/n) turned the shower on, chills raking down her body as she stepped into the hot water and sighed in relief. The heat and steam helped relieve the ache in her muscles while clearing her sinus congestion slightly- giving her at least a foundation to start putting herself together for the day.

Drying her hair was a task due to the hairdryer making her headache pound, applying makeup just didn’t seem tempting. However, she had to admit, putting a slight amount of foundation to cover the redness in her face made her feel better.

(Y/N) was a Production assistant at a YouTube Studio called HI5, she had been there for a little less than a year after her best friend Samantha or better known as Sam got her a job. They had proposed an idea for a channel called totally trendy to their boss which luckily got green-lit.

Today’s video they planned on filming was a Kardashian makeover. It was Sam’s idea but (y/n) thought their audience might enjoy it. They were still learning and getting used to everything... the only issue was that they needed a model.

Tanner was the first person that popped into mind since he was usually down for anything. Or maybe CJ. Or one of the girls in the office like Cat, Or sierra.

Suddenly as (Y/N) pulled her hoodie on and finished getting dressed she came up with an idea. A smile graced her lips for the first time that morning, getting something to eat on her way out the door and locking up behind her.

The drive was surprisingly not as heavy as usual, making (Y/N)’s life easier she had managed to make it early enough so that she could go and buy breakfast for her office mates, which just happened to be Woods, Sam, and Cat. But she would obviously buy something for sierra too.

they were always the early birds.

When (y/n) arrived around 7:40am, she was really happy to see that sam was already there making sure their space was cleaned up to film and that they had their checklist done.

The girl had a box of coffee in her arms along with some donuts and disposable cups. waving to sam as she passed their office- woods rounded the corner and almost knocked into the girl.

“Oh! hey, let me help you before you drop something.” the boy laughed as he took the coffee from her arms and let her set everything down in the break room. Soon people were flooding in to get their share so the two had to grab something quickly then escape the horde.

they were sitting in the office preparing for the day when woods frowned. “You know... you look really sick- is there any reason you couldn't take a day off other than the video?” his voice was laced with concern and he just wanted what was best for his girlfriend.

She actually looked somewhat better, Her eyes weren’t as dark and she had more colour in her face compared to the morning. “Trust me its all good...” she trailed off and had a sneaky little smirk.

“But you know what would make me feel better?” the girl teased leaning in slightly as she looked up at woods with adoration, capturing his gaze and watching his curly brown hair fall into his face.

the boy smirked and went to lean in. “a kiss?” he asked cockily, only for his lips to be smushed against (y/n)’s palm as she giggled.

shaking her head, she pulled away and watched as he frowned. “I was hoping you would be the model for Sam and I’s video today?” she gave him her signature puppy eyes.

Woods went on for a good 10 minutes about why he WOULD NOT be apart of it, but after some persuading and promises from his girlfriend, the man-child caved. He would do anything for her and that was obvious- he just wanted to have his little diva moment.

“Just make sure you don’t buy me a cheap wig.” Woods told both girls quite seriously.

Once sam heard the news, they had got right to work, finishing the last minute edits for that week’s video before setting it to upload- Cat being the one in charge in case their upload failed.

it was 11:00am by the time they finally got out of the studio to head off, the two girls got into sam’s car and had the channel’s credit card so that they could buy the products they needed.

“Do you think this is wood’s shade?” Sam asked as she picked up a bottle of foundation, they were at CVS and decided to grab a few things. The idea was to go for a more sleek business woman Kim K look.

Their little basket was full by the time they were finished, different powders and brushes along with the makeup of course. Their final stop was going to be party city where they would Buy woods a wig.

Unfortunately, Woods did in fact end up getting a cheap wig.

The drive back to the office was quite long, (Y/N)s DayQuil finally kicking in and almost knocking the girl out as she slept pretty much the whole way. Sam having to shake her when they arrived.

Meeting with Woods in orange base, they set everything on the table- (Y/N) had decided to go search for an outfit in the prop closet while sam did wood’s makeup, when she got back and saw him in the wig- she couldn’t help but laugh, almost keeling over at his facial expressions as he “posed”

She was carrying the red dress that tanner wore for his bachelors video in her arms. “I thought this might work.” she sniffled through her laughter. Woods smiled up at her but told them both that was a line he wouldnt cross, which the girls respected.

Woods was checking himself out in the mirror when he turned and smirked at (Y/n).

“Hey babe? have you ever wanted to date a Kardashian?”

#hi5 studios #woodland demars #woods imagine #youtubers imagine #woods demars imagine #hi5 imagine #fluff #fanfic #writing

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riiwriting · 6 years

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Anyone that isn’t a Hi5 studios fan can ignore this tbh I just want to ramble.

Okay so I love Tanner and Woods and Connor and Paul and Matt and Bryan and Joey and Gunner and Bobby and all of the main boys with my WHOLE HEART, do not get me wrong. In fact, Connor and Paul are probably my two faves? And obviously all these beautiful boys are most popular because they’re on the most channels and in the most videos, they’re talked about and seen the most.

But so many of the people who work behind the scenes & even on the scenes deserve more attention from the fandom?!? Like even Sam doesn’t get as much recognition as she deserves.

I mean, okay, Rob is the cutest thing on earth (and a great big brother, as seen on Cam and Jeff’s channel), CJ & James are both super creative and funny, Nicholle is adorable, as is Lis, Mitch is a snack and a half, Aaron and Dave are both cuties, Pat deserves the world, Jen is great, both Michaels are crazy talented, not to mention everyone I’m forgetting. I just love everyone and everyone!! deserves!! more!! recognition!!

Hi5 in general is super underrated, but even within the fandom some staff are further underrated. I just love everyone and want them all to be appreciated by other people as much as I appreciate them.

Anyway subscribe to all of the channels & follow everyone on their socials.

#hi5 studios #team edge #rant #rileys notes

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respekt1111 · 5 years

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Welcome to the 2nd set of Hi5 for 2019, an eclectic set of books with almost NOTHING in common.

As I’ve mentioned before, my sister Dallas and I have been buddy reading 12 books a year based on specific categories since 2013. This year’s challenge, termed Bookwolves, began in January with a classic novel, my choice, followed in February by randomly generated word, Dallas’ turn.

Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky (1866)

Judge a book by the cover: Picked up this edition at Half Price Books in Tacoma. It’s got some Russian-ish silhouettes on it. You know, minarets and such. However when I googled, the silhouettes actually correspond to real architecture in St. Petersburg, where the novel is set. The statue of horse and rider is a statue called “The Bronze Horseman,” a statue of Peter the Great unveiled in 1782. History! (Cover design by Peter Ridley)

The blurb: Miserable student Raskolnikov acts on a theory that great men can commit crimes and get away with it, so he does a crime to prove he’s great, but doesn’t reckon with a pesky little critter called “conscience.”

The Laud: It’s Dostoevsky, it’s a classic, it’s got themes. Okay, there are some things I liked about it. A horrific dream involving a mule that I didn’t like but will stay with me forever. Vividly drawn characters that are epically weird and memorable.

The Lame: I hate to hate on classic literature, but if I’m just too dumb to get it, oh well. I can admit that. Raskolnikov is perhaps the most unlikeable emo wretch of a hipster that I ever saw. His existential angst puts every pale wannabe poet to shame. He faints SO MUCH. How he manages to axe anyone to death is a mystery. He’s so lazy he can’t be bothered to kill himself. Also, EVERYONE LOVES HIM. That’s the true mystery. It’s a wonder the ding-dong eludes capture for as long as he does.

WOOF OUT: Hungry Russian street dogs. Sad.

2. Catalyst by Anne McCaffrey and Elizabeth Ann Scarborough (2010)

Judge a book by its cover: This book has a blue cover and a black cat. Some vaguely sci-fi looking dots. The end.

Catalyst was our February book read. For one category, we used a random word generator on the internet and then picked a book based on the word. Dallas, cat lady that she is, somehow conjured to get the word “kittens.” So here we go.

The Blurb: Set in space, fancy spaceship cats hunt rats, smell gas, and eat sparkly bugs. What will happen when a plague threatens animals everywhere? Also, sometimes the cats are pscyhic.

The Laud: Okay, it was cutesy that much of the book was told from the cat’s POV. They were for the most part appropriately bitchy and full of themselves, just like real cats. They’re also quite more vividly realized than their human counterparts.

The Lame: It’s really not fair of me to criticize, this is not a book I would have picked up under any circumstances. Except this one circumstance. It’s written like a YA novel. It has cats as main characters.

WOOF OUT: One unnamed, villainous canine, just following his instinct. Not his fault!

3. The Woman in the Window by A.J. Finn (January 2018)

Judge a book by its cover: Actually, I like the conceit of the blinds. Not that the idiot in the novel ever uses them. Approved by Gillian Flynn, inventor of twisty plots and unreliable narrators!

The Blurb: An agoraphobic doctor thinks she sees a crime and no one believes her. This plot is new territory! Soon to be a movie starring Amy Adams!

The Laud: I listened to this as an audiobook. The narrator was good.

The Lame: How do you do a Rear Window ripoff and actually reference Rear Window? I just wanted to read something trashy and twisty, and yet this novel dragged on for so long. Also, if you don’t want to get caught peeping on the neighbors, maybe don’t peep with the lights on! This novel telegraphs its plot twists so often it might as well be the transatlantic cable. Take one boozy Girl on a Train, add an unreliable Gone Girl, bake at a tepid 200 degrees, and voila, enjoy (or don’t) one Woman in the Window.

WOOF OUT: A cat named Punch.

4. Lost Girl by Adam Nevill (2015)

Judge a book by its cover: Um, a guy standing in the woods.

The Blurb: Apocalyptic chaos, rising sea levels, depleted food sources, hotness. A father who will find his kidnapped daughter at any cost! He has a particular set of skills…not really.

The Laud: I loved Adam Nevill’s The Ritual, a classic “idiots in the woods” scenario that goes to some really weird, heavy metal places. That has nothing to do with this book.

The Lame: A standard angry father mixed in with an apocalypse that almost seems tangential to the plot. What if Taken was set in the apocalypse and the father was nowhere near as cool as Liam Neeson?

WOOF OUT: None. No woofs at all.

5. Breakfast at Tiffany’s by Truman Capote (1958)

Judge an audiobook by its cover: Michael C. Hall

The Blurb: Original Manic Pixie Dream Girl Holly Golightly and her numerous boring men.

The Laud: I’ve never seen the movie, so whether that’s a good or bad thing, I don’t know. The book is cute enough. Maybe I’ve just been too overdosed by every copycat Holly Golightly that’s come down the pipe, from film to book to living near Seattle to attending a liberal college that I failed to be sufficiently charmed by the book. Not to mention that for every quirky Holly there’s an inanely limp french fry dude falling in love with her. A Zach Braff to every Natalie Portman, a Him to every She, a bland President to every Olivia Pope, a plain noodle to every parmesan cheese.

The Lame: Oh, and the casual racism.

WOOF OUT: Another CAT!?! Okay, that seems to be the unifying theme among these books. 3 out of 5 with cats. Grrr.

Hi5: Russian Criminals, Voyeuresses,Vengeful Dads, Psychic Cats, and the OG MPDG Welcome to the 2nd set of Hi5 for 2019, an eclectic set of books with almost NOTHING in common.

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devilsadvocate007 · 5 years

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Facebook Posts July 2010 - December 2010

4th July 2010

The illusion that everybody's opinion matters has created a society in which stupidity must be considered just as seriously as brilliance. Gone are the days where stupid people weren't allowed to talk while big people were talking. Now they have their own facebook pages.... On the bright side, we no longer have to rely on television for entertainment

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10th July 2010

♫ Just gonna stand there and watch me burn....well that's alright because I like the way it hurts......Just gonna stand there and hear me cry....well that's alright because I love the way you lie...♫ - ‘Love the way you lie’, Rihanna ft. Eminem

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14th July 2010

If there's no such thing as no such thing, then there is such a thing as no such thing, which means that there really is no such thing as no such thing.

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15th July 2010

Bad?: So I was standing next to a fat girl and I turned to her and said "moo". At first she started to cuss and call me names and tell me about my mother. I quietly said "moo" again without lifting my gaze. This time she started screaming and clawing at me. For the last time...I said "moo". She stopped and looked at me, then after a minute of silence she said "father?"

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25th July 2010

You know you're doing something wrong when your fiancée tells you "I'd rather be his whore than your wife"... ♥ Titanic

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30th July 2010

You ever meet someone so dumb that you think they're up to something? "What?....no....what you playing at?....wait.....you're serious?"

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5th August 2010

The 1st tao of Jarid: {For all those in a relationship...the sentence "It doesn't matter anymore, I have a man, I'm gonna let loose" is not acceptable unless you're talking about a party or sex.}

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6th August 2010

I know I'm not the only person that finds irony in the fact that the guy that recently beat the JAMAICAN Bolt, is called Mr. Gay. lol "Gay shocks Bolt in Stockholm" is the Headline....So what did we learn? U can run from gays all u want my Jamaican brethren, but it'll catch up with you eventually...

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15th August 2010

Life is too short to waste on people who don't realize how awesome you are. I knew an awesome person who never followed the crowd or did what was 'expected'. She's gone now, but I can say she lived her life the way she wanted to, surrounded by people she liked who definitely liked her. When my time comes, I want someone to say the same about me. So fuck off and thank you.

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17th August 2010

Can someone explain to me how purposely doing something that makes your guy friends happy and like u, but at the same time leaves ur woman unhappy and unsatisfied, isn't gay? "Bow cat" it would seem is the opposite of "battyman"....not synonymous.

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20th August 2010

"Ur like a giant fucking cock blocking robot developed in a secret government lab or something" - Zombieland (lmao)

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21st August 2010

♫ That's alright, thats ok....g'on head believe what ur home girls say...a nigga like me drink alotta liquor, meet alotta bitches, take alotta pictures....I might break bread with 1 or 2 strippers, but that don't mean u gotta pull my zipper...thinkin that I dicked down the whole town, even tho I got dick to go round ♫ - ‘Smell yo dick’, Kay Luv

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22nd August 2010

♫ You say its my fault, ok then I'll go...its better to know...how theres nobody to argue with...cuz im not home...dont care who ur with....dont call my phone...or did u forget...u know you're wrong...I'm gone....and you're all alone....hearing your own damn...eh echo eh echo ♫ - ‘Echo’, Gorilla Zoe

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8th September 2010

♫ A penny for my thoughts, oh no I'll sell them for a dollar, They're worth so much more after I'm a goner, And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin', Funny when your dead how people start listenin'...If I die young ♫ - ‘If I die young’, The Band Perry

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10th September 2010

The tao of Jarid: "Facebook is not a place to publish things you wish to remain private. By its very nature, anything put on here voluntarily is for people to notice, see, and by extension comment or ask about. Getting defensive when asked about something YOU put up in the public domain makes no sense."

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11th September 2010

The tao of Jarid: "Women treat the male gene pool like a real pool. They all jump in and splash around the shallow end in their youth...then wade out to the deeper end as they get older."

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15th September 2010

“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar [violin] to a gorilla.” - Jim Bishop

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17th September 2010

Taxi driver on the way home today: "You see men? Especially young men like you? You need to eat raw foods. Lemme tell u the other night I was with my gf and no matter WHAT position I put her in...me deya fight fi cum! FIRST time me haffu TRY cum. All when me done, cocky stiff stiff"

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22nd September 2010

Birthdays on facebook are really opportunities for people that never speak to you to subtly say "I care! Don't delete me! Look how I wrote on ur wall!" lol

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23rd September 2010

The tao of Jarid: The lawyer most people know is the American lawyer. That's why lawyers have a bad name. Caribbean lawyers are nothing like their American counterparts (the laws and practices here are vastly different). People should remember that before they band all "lawyers" together.

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23rd September 2010

Listen, I understand that having a BB means that u can talk to anyone at anytime for free, but seriously...10 grown ppl sitting in a room engrossed in their phones not speaking to each other, is ridiculous. What happend to common courtesy, what happened to meeting new people and saying hi to a stranger? Sheesh. U remind me of little kids in church playing their gameboys.

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26th September 2010

U know what I hate? The fact that hypocrisy is so prevalent. Any time you see someone stand up and strongly take a stand against something...9/10 times they do it. If they vehemently denounce homosexuals, 9/10 times, they're sleeping with little boys. Its SO common now, that I never want to take a strong stand against anything, lest ppl think I secretly do it. Chupz.

The tao of Jarid: For those of you who believe that "no means no, but unconscious means yes".....a prison cell awaits.

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28th September 2010

The legal way of saying “nigga stole my bike”: “ A human being of the male gender wth black pigmentation on his skin appears 2 have acquired without my consent my 2-wheeled, non-motorized private and/or recreational transportation, also known as "bike", and appears 2 have driven away with said 2-wheeled, non-motorized private and/or recreational transportation, despite my attempt of chasing the said human being, completely ignoring my request 2 give sed item bk” - username iani103. Man, I love my profession.

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1st October 2010

I think women should develop the same "fuck it" mechanism guys have. If there's a baby in the house crying for hours on end...what you will not find is a man around. Y? Cuz we can't fix it and its driving us crazy, so we roll out and go by Tony's house to watch football, i.e. fuk it. More women should do that instead of staying in the stress and snapping and shaking their babies to death or driving them into a river.

The tao of Jarid: Facebook should have a 'WHO CARES?!?' button....and make my page immune to it.

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2nd October 2010

The tao of Jarid: The more "LMAO"s and "LOLOLOL"s your status contains, the less funny the actual subject matter is. Contrary to popular belief, nothing gets funnier the more you laugh at it by yourself.

Grown men's fascination with penitentiary pussy confuses me... Sex with it = go to prison. What's the problem? Where's the option? All I see is "Sex with prison". No thanks. That's like the "option" 'get in this dark van so I can drive u to my abandoned cabin in the woods or I shoot you'. All I should be hearing is *gunshot*.

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4th October 2010

The tao of Jarid: Drama vampires are not cool. While the rest of us need food and water to live, these creatures survive solely off drama and other people viewing it. The only effective way to deal with them is to block and delete them from everything. If you can't see their drama, they weaken and die. True story.

“I think when you put sex and spirituality in the same bottle and shake it up, bad things happen. Yes, I said I kissed a girl. But I didn’t say I kissed a girl while f-ing a crucifix.” - Katy Perry (on why she dislikes Lady Gaga’s music video for ‘Alejandro’)

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5th October 2010

"This is my facade of civility; do not mistake for complacency, for once this veil is taken down, you'll see a vicious turn around...of all you grew to know and love...the hand lying beneath the glove.... An animal living in a shell. A beast who's come to raise all hell."

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6th October 2010

The tao of Jarid: Forget CNN, BBC or any other news organisation....nowhere else are world issues more discussed than on YouTube's comments section

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8th October 2010

You are one person, out of 7 billion people, on one planet, out of 8 planets, in one solar system out of a hundred billion solar systems, in one galaxy out of a hundred billion galaxies.......you are ENORMOUSLY insignificant, and don't let facebook ever make you forget that. [De-motivational Speech for the day]

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11th October 2010

Anybody remember when they FIRST came on fb YEARS ago? How it used to be? How Fb made hi5 look like the social networking ghetto? It was so clean and neat and classy. "Jarid Hewlett", likes, interests, lil about myself. Send ur friends who u havent seen since primary school messages. It was a magical innocent time. Why did you people have to rape facebook? Why?

Now? as NC17 says, no more "Jarid Hewlett", we have "Jarid fuckspussyallday Hewlett", we have "What kind of telly tubby would u have sex with?" quizzes, we have people fighting over who their baby's daddy is for the world to see. (Btw when did this shit become acceptable? Not knowing which guy ejaculated inside and impregnated you is something people used to be ashamed of and settle in private...why is it cool to broadcast this now?), we have break ups where guys blatantly put their numbers under "X is no longer in a relationship"..... What happened to CLASS??? I understand they don't teach that in school, but they bloody well should. No one comes on fb to keep in touch with people anymore. And the ones that do, spend 20% of their total fb time doing that. The rest of us laugh or bow our heads in sadness at the ridiculous shit people post. I'm black and I hate racists and racism, but goddamn it....sometimes, as much as I hate to admit it.....I see where they're coming from. <sigh>

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15th October 2010

♫ We're going out tonight...to kick out every light, take anything we want, drink everything in sight, we're going till the world stops turning while we burn it to the ground tonight! ♫ - ‘Burn it to the ground’, Nickelback

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21st October 2010

The tao: Men get bitter, just as women do. The difference is, a bitter woman will say "fuck men" and never have sex again. A bitter man will say "fuck women" and do just that.

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26th October 2010

The tao: "All inclusive" does not mean "free cheap rum and vodka with juice". Stop the false advertising.

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27th October 2010

The tao: Having high standards doesn't necessarily exempt you from whoredom. While we all agree that having low to no standards makes one a ho, having high, meaningless standards makes one a ho too. "I only sleep with guys that drive BMWs" is a high standard. It is not a substantive standard.

♫ And who do you think you are? Running round leaving scars....Collecting your jar of hearts, tearing love apart........You’re gonna catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul.........So don’t come back for me, who do you think you are? ♫ - ‘Jar of Hearts’, Christina Perri

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28th October 2010

"Labour all de way"? "UPP all de way?".....come on, man. I'm "all the way" with whoever makes Antigua a better country. Politics has come to mean arbitrary following of a party that makes your immediate life better regardless of the long term. Don't even get me started on 'patriotism'.

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31st October 2010

The tao: He who is slow to anger gets annoyed the longest.

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1st November 2010

♫....you just hurt my goddamn feelings, and that was the last one I had ♫ - ‘Here we go’, Eminem

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2nd November 2010

Lawyer talk: My Lord, my client was not anywhere near the building when the window was broken, and if he was, he did not break the window, and if he did break the window, he did so by accident, and if he didn't break it by accident, it wasn't the complainant's window, and if it was their window, it was their fault for putting it where my client throws stones.

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8th November 2010

Mr. Kartel, you sir, have lied to me.....apparently women do not want a man whose "buddy long like a thousand match stick line up"....apparently that hurts and more than 90% of it will be outside anyway. You have misled me sir, and I demand an apology.

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10th November 2010

On a serious note.....which do you think is more "loving" and less "heartless"? (Option A) Being in a relationship and cheating gratuitously on your significant other? Or (Option B) breaking up with your significant other who probably didn't see it coming, because you want to sleep with someone else?

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11th November 2010

The tao: No one really sees anything. Everyone thinks they see something. I might think I see a pudgy, ugly woman, you might think you see a curvy goddess. Who knows whats actually there...The difference between sane and insane people is that insane people are just a little more creative with what they think they see....and nothing can change their mind.

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14th November 2010

The tao: If someone tells you something you don't understand, don't repeat it. It might have been wisdom when they told you...but after your brain is done with it, there's a high chance it comes back out as crap.

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15th November 2010

"You're Cuban AND Jamaican?? That's a really.....illegal mix, lol. So you speak Spanish and bloodclaat?" - Mike Yard (*dead*)

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17th November 2010

The tao: One should never let emotions get in the way of reality. Sometimes people just don't appreciate you no matter how you feel about them. That's ok. Someone does.

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19th November 2010

♫ Well I'm a poet to some, a regular modern day Shakespeare.....Jesus Christ, the King of these latter day saints here ♫ - ‘Renegade’, Jay-Z & Eminem

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25th November 2010

The tao: Whenever you think "don't let a good thing pass you by"....remember that many things are only good now BECAUSE you let them pass you by at first. Don't be afraid to let go.

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26th November 2010

"If my wanting to see you was on a scale of 1-10.....I'd still say no". It takes a while to fully appreciate just how horrible this statement is.

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27th November 2010

U know what I just realized..?..The first time I listened to the Marshall Mathers LP was on *cassette*...in my * Walkman*....that Michael Henry had copied for me.....I'm gonna reserve my rocking chair in the old folks home from now, see...

The tao: Stop saying "I'm just me". Everyone is just them. If you choose to be someone who tries to be like other people, that's still who you are. You are just a personalityless ninny, but it's still who YOU are. You can't ever be anything else but you. "I'm just me" is like saying "I breathe oxygen". No shit.

♫ Me start da day wit a flask, cranberry an ice inna glass....satellite can't find me me lost....buy me own liquor cuz me a me own boss....drink fi drunk dat me endorse....OH ♫ - ‘Rum & Red Bull’, Beenie Man &Future Fambo

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30th November 2010

Seriously....if I read one more comment under a political story with someone urging people to "wake up", I'm going to slap somebody. I always find it fascinating that politics turns otherwise sensible people into jackasses. "Belief is the enemy of reality".

Lesbians have life so easy.....girls are very gay normally, lol. Dressing in front of each other, dancing up with one another, feeling up one another etc.....you could pretty much spend ur whole life being a lesbian and no one would ever know once u lie every now and again about some boy u find hot.

"The fact is governments deal with the United States because it's in their interest, not because they like us, not because they trust us and not because they think we can keep secrets," - US Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. If that's not gangsta, I dunno what is...

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2nd December 2010

♫ I love my life....none a we don't know wey tomorrow might bring cuz the future deh hours away...so me go live my life today...me ah live my life today...so lowe me mek me talk what me want fi talk, me have nuff fi say...so me go live my life today...me ah go live my life today ♫ - ‘I love my life’, Demarco

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7th December 2010

The tao: Never overestimate the power of friendship.

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9th December 2010

♫ De boy ketch me a stamp up him gyal postcard....want arrest me but....him anna sarge....he nah stop tell me how him a camouflage....never voice ya hear from him vocal cord because.....a we mek nuff man start drink Guinness ♫ - ‘A we’, Hawkeye

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11th December 2010

The tao: The next time someone you thought you mattered to lets you down, always remember that its not their fault you don't have better friends.

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17th December 2010

Men beware: "Your mouth says no, but your eyes say yes" will never ever stand up in court.

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19th December 2010

The tao: Stop bitching about the 'true meaning' of Christmas. People like presents. Deal with it.

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21st December 2010

The tao: Put on a jamaican accent and include "bloodclaat" or "bumboclaat" and any sentence becomes five times funnier. E.g. "Where are u going, u unhygienic homosexual?" "Yow, a where dis dutty skin, yellow teet, shitty draws BUMBOCLAAT battybwoy a go?" Same message. Five times funnier.

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25th December 2010

The tao: "I have a boyfriend".........."Babes....you can have ALL the boyfriends you want...not "a", not "some".....ALL.....me still want u". - This conversation will always go like this. Saying you have a boyfriend is not a substitute for saying no.

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30th December 2010

New year new me! "Are u getting a sex change?" What? no..... "Are you changing careers?" Um..no.. "Are you radically overhauling your entire personality?" Not really... "Shut up and sit down"

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