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jemej3m · 4 years

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do we arrest him?

another excerpt from the ‘married to the enemy’ au because its silly and fun and i like writing it lol

“With all due respect, Wilds,” Kevin said, “I’m going to say: no. Absolutely not.”

The sargeant cocked her head, spinning the whisky around her shallow glass. “Because your opinion matters so greatly to me, Kevin.”

Andrew blocked out whatever response Kevin managed and the resulting argument between him, Sergeant Danielle Wilds and her husband Matthew Boyd: Renee looked on serenely, with a slightly amused curl to her lips, whilst Wymack ordered another gin and tonic.

Andrew’s foot bounced. He was not anxious. He was never anxious. He was simply introducing his husband to his colleagues. It’d been years since they’d come together as a team. It was about time they’d met the mysterious Neil.

It’s not like his face was recognisable or anything. It’s not like he’d been running the largest crime syndicate in Baltimore after his father’s death. Neil had inherited it after they’d gotten together, anyway.

“Is Allison coming along?” Renee inquired, lightly, still ever-so-serene. His partner was a jumble of nonsensical loose ends, with a large scar on her jaw contradicting the collar done up to her throat and the silver cross hanging around her neck. It was why they’d gotten along so well in the first place, and why he’d invited her to witness his wedding.

Which was where, consequently, she had met Allison Reynolds, Neil’s right-hand woman.

Andrew shot her a glare before looking back to the doorway. Where was he? Punctuality wasn’t his forte, but fifteen minutes late to something Andrew had insisted he shouldn’t be late to was stretching it. Had something happened? Had the Bearcats finally grown their little claws and lashed out at Neil? Was he dead in a ditch somewhere?

“Hi,” came a familiar voice, breathless. Andrew glanced over his other shoulder to see Neil, grinning and red-cheeked. He must have run. Understanding Andrew’s apprehension, he chanced a kiss on Andrew’s cheek. “Came in through the back.”

Of course he had this particular divebar in his pocket. It was one of Andrew’s regular hangouts: he would have this place fortified to the very last screw.

Allison gave Renee a little wink, waving her manicured nails like a manic pixie. Andrew took Neil’s wrist under the table and gave it a light squeeze before turning back to his colleagues.

Kevin was going purple, mouth hanging open like a gaping fish.

“So,” Dan said, voice strained slightly. “This is Neil.”

“My husband,” Andrew confirmed. “Yes.”

“Did you know about this?” Matt hissed into Renee’s ear, not at all subtle. She simply smiled her glittering smile in response.

“Jesus Christ,” Wymack mumbled into his glass, downing the whole thing.

“Nice to finally meet you all,” Neil said, placidly. “This is my friend, Allison. I hope it was alright to bring her along.” Allison’s grin was mischievous.

Kevin allowed a strangled noise to escape his mouth.

“We’ve only got one seat,” Matt said, bewildered.

“That’s alright,” Neil shrugged, offering it to Allison and leaning against Andrew’s thigh instead. Andrew let his arm loop around Neil’s waist, steadying him.

Kevin slowly looked Neil up and down, left to right, trying to comprehend how the fuck did I end up having drinks with the mob boss I’ve been chasing down for years -

“I can get the table another round?” Neil offered.

“That’d be very kind of you, Neil.” Renee said, calmly.

“Renee -” Dan managed.

“Beer?” Neil inquired, nodding to Matt. He arched an eyebrow at Kevin. “A bottle of vodka?”

“Are you serious?” Kevin exploded. “Are you serious? The one person who has evaded me for the entirety of my detective career is sitting on my colleague’s lap and offering me a drink when he probably has knives in his pockets and a dead man’s skull in his backpack -” he paused to take a trembling inhale, hands clutching the edge of the table.

“Well, I’m not really sitting on Andrew’s lap,” Neil snorted. “I only have one knife on me, and it’s most certainly not in my pocket: how impractical.” He jostled Allison’s shoulder. “Do you have a skull in your backpack? Because I didn’t bring a backpack.”

“I wouldn’t be caught dead with a backpack,” Allison responded snootily, putting her little handbag on the table. “How tasteless.” Neil laughed.

Andrew pulled him closer.

“I’ll have a clean bitters, Neil,” Renee said, breaking the silence. “If that’s alright.”

“Copying me?”

Renee smiled. “Perhaps. Though I’ve yet to find somewhere that does virgin margaritas as well as you do.”

“You’ll just have to come over for dinner again.”

“Do we arrest him?” Matt whispered into his wife’s ear.

“I have no clue,” Dan responded.

“I’ve been meaning to give you a recipe I found for a healthy pastabake,” Renee suggested, ignoring Andrew’s glare. “I’ve given Andrew leftovers for lunch and he didn’t even notice the difference.”

“That’s a relief,” Neil grinned. “It’s like bathing a cat.” He jostled Andrew’s shoulder. “Retiring means I get to cook more: you’d better watch out.”

“What the fuck,” Kevin whispered.

“Don’t burn the kitchen down,” Andrew said sullenly.

“Retiring?” Matt echoed, weakly. “I didn’t think you could retire from -”

“I, too, have recently decided to follow my passions,” Allison said, airily. “I’m thinking of starting a fashion line. Perhaps a boutique.”

“That’s amazing,” Renee said, a hint of relief in her tone. Andrew knew she’d been holding out on Allison for her to move on from her morally grey loyalties onto something more palpable. “I’m sure you will be successful.”

“What the fuck,” Kevin repeated, a little louder.

“Matt, Dan,” Neil grinned. “Andrew told me you’re adopting. That’s brilliant.”

“Yes,” Matt said, bewildered. “We’ve been fostering a little girl for a few years now: the papers have finally come through.”

“Maybe I could be a stay-at-home dad,” Neil wondered aloud, leaning his head on Andrew’s shoulder. “We could foster, Drew. We’ve got a spare room.”

“You can barely keep the cats alive,” Andrew muttered, shoving his hand into the backpocket of Neil’s jeans as a warning. Neil grinned into his shoulder.

“You have cats?” Dan responded, airily.

“Yes,” Neil nodded gravely. “Andrew’s cousin named them. Sir Fat Cat McCatterson and King Fluffkins.”

Andrew watched as Dan and Matt’s resolve began to falter, the smiles at his husband’s ridiculousness beginning to crack open. Even Wymack had kept his attention on the table, intrigued.

As Neil took down drink orders and Allison shuffled her chair closer to Renee, Andrew knew that everything would turn out alright. Neil was just as Andrew had reluctantly described him: a human disaster with a quick-witted tongue and a brilliant grin. Not just a mobster. Not just Nathan Wesninski’s son.

“What the fuck!” Kevin spluttered, but everyone ignored him.

send me more prompts for this au lmao its so silly

#andreil #andrew minyard #neil josten #mobster/cop au #butcher!neil #cop!andrew #fluff #married #chaotic kevin day lol #aftg #all for the game #jem writes

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brianprobablywill · 5 years

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Nutso (Joe Mazzello x Reader)

2.5k words of university students joe x reader, nothing but fluff!

(i am quite proud of this one, if i may say so myself)

You’d seen this guy around before. Yeah, he sits in the cafeteria with Ben — whom you shared a class with — every day. You’d always seen them hanging out, even smiled at them, getting smiles in return. You always had the feeling the guy was sweet. He came off as lovable and friendly.

He was with Ben the day Ben had come over to ask you about something that happened in class. You’d made a silly joke and the guy had cackled loudly, giving you a high-five.

Yeah. Seemed friendly. Seemed fun. A little wacky even.

But this… this was nutso. You’d heard many stories on the internet of people pulling stupid shit in college, but you were sure you weren’t going to see it happen in your college days.

But here you were. Staring out of the classroom window as you waited for the professor to show up, watching in shock as this guy — sane little Ben’s best friend — lit himself on fire in front of four other guys, one of whom you identified as Ben, and one girl.

You watched as his face contorted in a mixture of anguish and excitement, jumping as he tried to put it out.

“Aaaaaand that’s twenty. Guys, I’m out!” One of your classmates called out as she got up to her feet, looking at her watch. A few other people followed, chattering frivolously.

You had decided to wait it out in the classroom, working on some of your own stuff, but fire-guy had you intrigued. Why did he look excited? Why were his friends only watching? Why was Ben laughing so joyously about it?

So after considering it for a few mere moments, you made your way out of the class, too, hoping to catch Ben. It might seem like an awkward conversation to have, because you had watched them creepily through the window the whole time. But your curiosity was going to get the better of you, you had an inkling.

Ben was walking towards the building, shaking his head, when you saw him. “Hey, Y/N,” he casually greeted you.

“Hi, Ben. Heading to class?” You asked, stopping in your tracks.

“Yeah. I know I’m twenty-five minutes late, but I better go,” he laughed. “Are you sneaking out?” He joked, raising one eyebrow.

You laughed along for a second, pretty sure it came off as fake as it possibly could. “Listen, Ben. Could I ask you something?”

“Sure,” he leaned in.

“Your friend, your best friend,” you said, waiting to go any further.

“Joey? Just one of a few best friends.” Ben smiles, almost like he was remembering something. You had a feeling it was what had transpired ten minutes ago.

“Joey. I was looking out the window, just casually looking, and I saw you and your friends - Joey, light himself on fire?” You asked, trying to keep your tone even. You wanted to laugh, but you weren’t going to do it in front of Joey’s best friend.

Ben laughed, “I knew someone was going to see that!” He ran a hand through his hair, rolling his eyes playfully. “He had some stupid bet going with Gwil — one of our friends.”

“Ah.” You said, a little disappointed that it was just a bet. You were hoping for an entertaining elaborate response. Something to keep you amused for the rest of the seemingly bleak day.

“You can ask him about it if you want.” Ben shrugged, nodding his head in Joey’s direction. “He loves talking about the crazy shit he gets up to. New Yorkers, I swear,” He begins walking away.

“I’m a New Yorker.” You mumbled, beginning to contemplate if you were going to go over to Joey. Ben called out to you just then.

“Y/N, he’s a cool guy,” he said, a good thirty feet away from you. “Also, call him Joe!”

Trusting Ben’s word, you began walking towards the now disbanded group. There were only Joe and another guy whom you recognized from your Physics class. Andrew? Alex? Something like that.

The other guy saw you coming over, motioning to Joe. Joe smiled when he saw you, waving. He looked surprised when instead of simply waving you walked right toward him. “Hey, Y/N,” he sounded cheerful. You were a little surprised that he knew your name, but you figured Ben told him after one of the many times you’d waved at the pair.

“Hi, Joe, right? You tried your hand at nonchalance.

“That’s me,” Joe held his arms out, almost hitting his friend. “And Allen,” he introduced.

“Yeah, we have Physics together,” Allen said, “I have to get going. Have fun!” Allen winked at the two of you.

You smiled in his general direction before turning back to Joe. You didn’t know where to begin. Do you ask him how he started the fire? Why he started the fire? That you were watching his every move from the second floor? Finally, you managed a “How’s your arm?”

“From what?” Joe touched his intact arm with his burnt one.

You smiled, “This one,” you pointed, bouncing on your heels.

“You saw,” Joe said, looking the right mix of embarrassed and excited. The right mix.

“Yeah, I was looking out of the window and I saw.” You grinned awkwardly, shrugging.

“You wanna know what happened?” Joe asked, raising one eyebrow. When you did nothing but nod, Joe looked around for a minute, finally saying, “Let’s sit down.” He led you to a wall, sitting down with his back resting against it. His backpack was in his lap. He toyed with a carabiner on his backpack as he waited for you to join him.

You didn’t hesitate for longer than a second before you sat down, too, shrugging your backpack off and resting it on the wall right next to you. Joe mirrored your actions, clapping his hands. “It’s not much of a story. Just thought we could sit down.”

“No problem,” you smiled, taking in his messy hair and toothy grin.

He looked so carefree. So fun. It almost looked wrong for college life. His actions were nothing short of exuberant. He looked like the right guy to be best friends with. You almost got a little jealous that Ben got to spend so much time with him, as did his other best friends.

“Well, Allen and Gwil — Gwil is another friend, he’s really tall and handsome.” He grinned, laughing, “Allen and Gwil were arguing about some lens theory. I asked them what kind of lens I should use if I wanted to start a fire. Gwil very confidently said that it could only be started with a convex lens.”

You were nodding along, listening carefully. You wanted to listen to everything he had to say. You just had to.

“I just wanted to annoy them a little bit, so I bet I could do it with a concave lens.” He smiled.

You raised your eyebrows, shifting to get a better look at him. “But physics!” You argued.

Joe only smiled mischievously, “I didn’t do it,” he fessed, only looking slightly bummed.

“Yeah, how could you?” You asked.

“Hey, not you too!” He tutted before continuing, “So another friend, Lucy, suggested that I light myself on fire as punishment for annoying Gwil. Gwil didn’t refuse, so I did it.”

“You did it?!” You asked incredulously, smiling.

“I did it. It wasn’t too bad. Well, it isn’t too bad now.” Joe smiled, touching his arm lightly.

“You should get some ice on that.” You tried to help.

“I will, I promise.” He held up a hand as Scout’s honor. “But if you don’t mind, I’d like to just sit here for a while.”

You smiled again, “Well, would you mind if I sat here with you?” You asked, slightly nervous. You wanted to sit here. You wanted to listen to more of what Joe had to say. There was just something about him that made you want to get to know him better.

Joe looked at you, mouth open for a second. “You are part of the deal!” He said, “I would like to sit here, with you.”

Something funny coiled in your stomach. A wierd, uneasy feeling that you associated with… goddamn butterflies. No.

No.

“Ben told me you’re a zoology major.” Joe began.

“Uh, yeah,” you said, slightly out of it. You brought your hand to your back, tugging on the end of your ponytail. “I love animals,” you divulged.

“Animals are nice. My favourite is the giraffe.”

“Good choice!” You laughed, “I like Bearcats.”

“Tell me something about Bearcats. Are they half-bear, half-cat?” Joe demanded, resting his chin on his hand.

You laughed at his silliness, “Nope. Full bearcat. They smell like buttered popcorn.”

“No,” Joe drawled out, disbelief riddled in his eyes.

“Yes. They smell like buttered popcorn. Google it!”

“I will, Y/N, because I do not believe that an animal naturally smells like buttered popcorn. I do not.” He crossed his arms across his chest, shaking his head adamantly.

Your phone went off right when Joe opened his mouth to say something. You took it out of your pocket to see that it was your roommate who’d locked herself out of your apartment.

You closed your eyes. “I have to go,” you said, getting up.

“Oh,” Joe said half-dejectedly, holding out his hand so you’d pull him up. You watched as Joe brushed his butt off, looking at you with a final smile. “You should join us in the cafeteria! Generally, it’s just Ben and me — the rest have a different schedule — but we’ll get you introduced to the rest too! We’re a lot of fun.” Joe said proudly. He touched your arm lightly as he continued, “But seriously, you should join us.”

You looked briefly at where Joe had touched your arm, smiling. “Maybe I will.”

And you did. You walked over when Ben waved you over the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that. Getting to know Ben better was cool. He was really sweet.

Getting to know Joe was also… nice. It was nice. It was very nice. Joe was nothing but fun, happiness, and cheerfulness. His energy was intoxicating. You would be lying if you said you didn’t look forward to spending time with him.

So when Joe asked if you wanted to get ice cream with him in the evening — so he could treat you to the best ice cream in New York — you said yes the first chance you got.

To your surprise, there was no Ben. You had actually expected to tag along with Joe, Ben and his friends, and that had filled you with a little bit of dread. When you saw it was just Joe, waiting in the lobby of your building, you didn’t know whether you should have been relieved or more nervous.

“Hi, Y/N,” he greeted, pulling you in for a side hug. “Are your taste buds ready to have their mind blown?” He said, rubbing his hands together.

You crossed your arms, “My taste buds know what true flavor is. They expect nothing less than magical.”

“It’s ice cream, of course it’s magic!” Joe said as the both of you walked, your arms brushing. Joe made small talk the entire walk. You listened and answered, not focusing too much on the actual words. His hair looked disheveled as ever, as if he’d run his hands through his hair a thousand times. It looked soft, and you almost wondered what it would be like to run your fingers through it.

When you made it, Joe held open the door for you, dramatically exclaiming, “M’lady.”

“Why, thank you, kind sir!” You walked in, watching as Joe shook his head at you, eyes squinted.

“Let me recommend some flavors!” Joe said excitedly, walking over to the display. “Oh, cookie butter is really good. So is blueberry cheesecake. We should ask about today’s special!” Joe said all at once, looking at you questioningly.

“We should.” You grinned.

After a little asking and tasting, you settled on the special while Joe got cookie butter. He held out his cone, “We must first ‘clink.’” He informed childishly.

You ‘clinked’ cones with Joe, mumbling a “Cheers,” in response to his, before you headed outside to sit down on a bench.

“Did you try it yet?” Joe asked.

“I’m going to now.” You told him. Taking a lick, you realized that Joe was right. The ice cream was delicious. Goodness, it was perfect. You closed your eyes, moaning at the taste. “This is so good.” You opened your eyes. “You were right, Joey!”

Joe smiled, simply watching you. He took in your face, blinking softly.

“Joe, your ice cream!” Joe’s ice cream was starting to run down his cone and onto his fingers.

“Oh, shoot!” Joe quickly licked it all up, flicking his hands. “I’m a mess!”

“You’re so dramatic.”

“I have a flair for it.”

You and Joe talked for a while. You discussed your childhoods, what let to NYU, and what the future looked like. When it started to get dark, Joe offered to walk you home. You accepted, taking in the feeling of Joe’s hand on your back. He was walking closer to you than he was on the way to get ice cream. His voice had become softer and shyer over the course of time. You were worried you’d said something wrong.

When you were outside your building again, Joe said, “I’m glad you liked that ice cream.” There was a small smile playing on his lips.

“I’m glad I did, too, I’m going to take my roommate there now.” You said, unable to shake off the feeling of anxiety. “Joe, can I ask you something?”

“Anything,” Joe said.

“Did I do something? You sound… less Joe-like. I’m sorry if I said something, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“No, no, Y/N, you didn’t do anything,” He touched your arm with his hand, letting the touch linger. “I just…” He licked his lips, trailing his hand down your arm to grab onto your hand.

Your breath hitched in your throat. Joe was holding your hand. He was holding your hand.

“Can I try something?” Joe asked, his voice only slightly above a whisper. You nodded, unsure of your words. Before you knew it, Joe was leaning in. His lips brushed against yours, going no further. He pulled away, still in extreme proximity to your face. He chuckled, the nerves evident in his breath. "Was that okay?"

You nodded again, putting your hand on Joe's cheek to draw him in again, this time kissing him a little deeper. Joe brought his hand to your waist, inching you closer to his body. When you pulled away, Joe was out of breath, grinning like an idiot.

"Oh, god." He exhaled.

"What? Was that bad?" You asked, unsure of yourself.

"No, Y/N. That was perfect." Joe pecked you on your lips one last time before pulling away completely. He ran his hand through his hair again, "Wow."

You felt the tips of your ears warming, watching as Joe blushed.

"I'll see you at lunch tomorrow?" He asked, still giddy with excitement.

You pulled him in for a hug, unable to contain how cute he looked like this. "Lunch tomorrow."

tag list: @lv7867 @multifangirl17

my tag lists are open and so are my requests! feel free to shoot me a message, i’d love to make friends! :)

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shinjukuspiritcommittee · 5 years

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Shino and tetsuox new suit skins not only make them hot but also like their a mafia! So I thought a mafia au of housamo where shino and tetsuox both want the fem MC to be his babe. If that's ok and Interesting.

Okay so this is something that I’d call more style over substance cuz when I saw gangster I thought of the swing and jazz era of gangsters. I’ll link a guide for the slang and how poorly I implemented it, ahaha... anyway, good luck on this event you guys!

Guide: https://www.sageandsavant.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/Flapperspeak.pdf

Gangster’s Paradise

Tetsuox https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rve03u7oEvI

~He wasn’t exactly the big boss in the mob. Just another face in the mob. Ready to take a bullet to protect the boss. That’s the world he grew up around and in, shown to be replaceable at a moment’s notice. For all the operations he was the muscle and did what he was told without hesitation. Big Cheese needed someone blipped off, did it without question. And he’d do a clean sneak of a job too.

~That was until he accompanied the Big Shot to the clip joint that evening. That’s when he saw the cat’s meow: you. Through the smoking butts and clammed glares, he saw you for the chippy you were. To be dizzy with a dame such as yourself was asking for a dance, and while he was peached plenty of times that broads like you would lead bulls and gum-shoes to knocking on your door. Still a bearcat such as yourself was alluring to him. He had been packing heat anyway so if any of them would try to throw him in the can on the spot he’d just put em in the big sleep.

~Right now, the cake-eater was out for you. You honestly thought he was sheik, so why not have a little fun?

Toxic Pets

Shino https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZILsHowUjpQ

~But what if, the goon never caught your attention. What if the Big Cheese he was with wanted nothing more than to pet a bearcat such as yourself? He’d whisper his crush on you in your ears behind you while caressing every nook and cranny of your figure as he’d get fried off of giggle water right beside you. When he tried going in for a kiss you stopped his lips and told him the bank was closed. “Then let me check sometime, baby.” He’d ask.

~You knew not to mess with a Dapper like him, but there was something about him that made him Daddy material. You knew he wanted you because out of all the Janes around in the joint, Shino said you’ve got It. Those Lines were nothing more than that however. He lusted for you purely for contact, and he could get any bubs from some other Dumbbell.

~Still, he was pretty stuck on you and sheik. You would tell him that you’d give it some thought.

#shino #tetsuox #tokyo afterschool summoners #housamo #headcanon #hc #sfw #1920s #short

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donwilhelmina · 3 years

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Thousands of football fans pure white sky probably that surely wall should tree wait in the Third World ?. “On what terms?” Beware the perfumed seneschal, Quaithe had said. “So many slaves … where are they all going?”. “I was beginning about my feather-headed boy,” the prince went on. “Promise me that you will never turn against me. “Volantis is the oldest of the Nine Free Cities, first daughter of Valyria,” the lad replied, in a bored tone. To us, with our feelings and associations, such discourses as these of Bishop Meade appear hard-hearted and unfeeling Mens JORDAN Hoodie to the last degree. And this trial is paraded as a triumphant specimen of legal impartiality and equity! “If the light that is in thee be darkness, how great is that darkness!”. At the same time the bottom will be blocked only way to pull air in would be side and exit from top. ‘Never go to battle naked, lad,’ he said. 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thecrookedgavel · 4 years

Text

The Crooked Gavel - Ep 1 Transcript

Here is the transcript for Episode 1 of the queer audio drama - The Crooked Gavel.

Audio of the episodes can be found here

Episode 1 Transcript

Credits Voice: You are listening to episode 1 of The Crooked Gavel: A 1920’s tale of court drama and lesbian romance, produced by Crooked Gavel Productions. This episode contains a scene of sexual assault, please look after yourself while listening.

Alice: I need an Earl Grey tea with just a bit of milk. It’s for Miss Paprika over at table 7, so make sure it’s cooled off a bit before I take it over to her!

Harry: Thank you, Alice. One noodle juice with a splash, less of a quilt and more of a bedsheet, on the way.

Alice: So as I was saying, my Daddy’s doing just fine, thanks for asking. He’s still working hard as headmaster and loving it. He did say he’s missing having you around in his last letter though, if that’s what you were wondering about.

Harry: *laughs* well if I’ve got to be honest, I was wondering just that. Some days, I miss teaching those little Joe Brooks, but making java and beating my gums with other intellectuals is the place to be. *sigh* Last time your father was here from Texas, we saw a Yankees game together. Say, did you listen to this week’s game? Hot dawg, I tell you, it had me jumping!

Alice: Oh no, Mr. Tarragon. I don’t much care for baseball. Never really interested me at all. The way you men drone on and on about it… Why, I am likely to be bored to tears.

Harry: Oh, come now, in my experience, everyone loves baseball. Even the ladies!

Alice: Only when they’re trying to impress a big timer.

Harry: In that case, you’d do well to learn a bit about baseball to aid you in your search for a husband.

Alice: Oh, Mr Tarragon, I’m not exactly husband hunting at the moment.

Harry: Really? Then what are you here in Brooklyn looking for? And please, give me a straight answer this time.

Alice: Well, inspiration. Direction. Belonging. Living in Texas just wasn’t for me. I found big city life to be very appealing. I’m sure you know the feeling.

Harry: You got me there. It took me a while to find where I fit in. But running The Crooked Gavel seems to suit me just fine. I do hope you find what you’re looking for. Order up!

Alice: Thank you Mr Tarragon, I think that I will.

---

Alice: Here’s your tea, Miss Paprika

Lillian: Thank you very much, young lady. *takes a sip* The tea is lovely, just the right temperature for me to start drinking. And I didn’t even have to ask this time!

Alice: You’re quite welcome. How’s your nephew doing, by the way?

Lillian: He’s doing wonderfully! Mathew’s started to get a lot of cases, possibly more than he has time for. But he just can’t say no to someone in need, I can tell you that.

Alice: I’m glad to hear that being a prosecutor has started to bear fruit. Speaking of, would you like me to bring you an apple to your table?

Lillian: Oh no, thank you. I’ll be leaving shortly after I finish my tea. I’m meeting Matthew outside as soon as he finishes up his paperwork for the afternoon. The boy has quite the gift for it, I’m told. This coffee house is so close to the courthouse, it just makes sense to drop in and see you! We’ll be taking a walk as soon as he gets here, since it’s such a lovely September afternoon.

Alice: Sure beats the storm last week. It started raining pitchforks so suddenly that I was caught walking home without an umbrella. Let me tell you, by the time I got home again, I looked like a cat that had a whole bathtub full of water dumped on her. Positively dreadful.

Lillian: *laughs heartily* That’s hard to imagine, given you look like the cat’s meow today! My dear, if only I were a few years younger.

Alice: Or if I were a few years older.

Lillian: *chuckle* if only… Anyways, my dear, here’s what I owe you for the tea. And don’t worry, you can keep the change.

Alice: Why thank you very much, miss Paprika. I do hope you have a lovely walk outside and an even lovelier day.

Lillian: Thank you, Alice. Good day to you, too.

---

Alice: I’m back!

Harry: You seem full of energy all of a sudden. Well, more so than usual.

Alice: I am indeed, and not because miss Paprika gave such a generous tip. She’s simply a pleasure to talk to. By the way, she said her tea was the perfect temperature for drinking.

Harry: Oh, Glad to hear, though you were the one who reminded me to let it cool. You have such a mind for people. I don’t know how you do it.

Alice: That’s very kind of you to say, Mr Tarragon. Why, I don’t think anything can ruin my mood right now!

*Door with bell opens*

Alice: Aww, shoot. I guess I spoke too soon. Well if it isn’t --

Harry: Judge Cayenne, always a pleasure to see the old egg

Alice: More like a bad egg. I know how he talks to you! You ought to hear how he talks to the rest of the staff. One time that high hat broke Betty’s poor heart down to tears. And she’s a regular bearcat!

Harry: John? What a bunch of malarkey! He is a pillar of our community… Why, he --- Well… To be honest, I have been hearing some rather nasty rumours about him lately

Alice: Yes? Do tell.

Harry: Let’s just say that if chin music is to be believed, that old bird makes the Crooked Gavel look straight. They all stem from the man he walked in with, Frank Saffron. That’s Cayenne’s assistant. He’s known to keep track of some rather dirty laundry. Mix in the fact that he’s so deep in the judge’s pocket, that he might as well be a couple of clams, and you’ve got yourself some moonshine that’ll put you straight in your coffin.

Alice: Now that sounds more like the fella I know

Harry: Both looking over here like they know what they want. *pause* That’s your cue, Alice.

Alice: Ooooh, but Mr Tarragon… Mr Cayenne makes me feel so uncomfortable. The way he talks down to me… it’s detestable. Couldn’t you serve him instead?

Harry: *sigh* Alice, I’m not paying you to be comfortable, I’m paying you to serve customers. He’s a customer, so serve him.

Alice: Oh, alright. I’m going, I’m going.

---

Alice: Welcome to the Crooked Gavel. My name is Alice, and I will be serving you today. Is there anything I can get for you?

Cayenne: Finally, we have been waiting for ages! You really know how to put the ‘wait’ in ‘wait staff’

Frank: *laughs a little too loudly* That’s a good one! You slay me, your honor.

Alice: Now that’s a load of hooey! You’ve not been here two whole minutes and yet you’re complaining. Now tell me, sir, did you bite into a lemon while I wasn’t looking, or is that face of yours just natural?

Cayenne: Buh - How dare you, you little trollop! You have just confirmed in my mind that you are disrespectful, vapid, and difficult to get along with

Alice: Well, for a judge, you don’t seem to be a very good judge of character

Frank: Oh yeah? Says who? Alice: Says everyone I’ve met with today. They all seemed to think very highly of me. Meanwhile, Mr Cayenne, you seem ill-tempered, antiquated, and like you’d be the wet blanket at a party.

Cayenne: *growl* You are living proof that women are best seen and not heard

Alice: As opposed to you, who is best not seen at all

Frank: *whispers* Wow, she sure got you good

Cayenne: *whispers* Silence… *normal tone* We would like to start with two espressos, mine with milk, his with sugar. Make sure his is cooled, and mine is hot

Alice: One test of my patience, coming right up

---

Cayenne: Though I usually prefer to be served by a woman for what I think to be… Obvious reasons…. It really can be quite taxing to have to actually speak with them

Frank: And how! You certainly have a way with words, your honor.

Cayenne: Thank you, old boy. That’s very kind of you. But that’s enough about her, let’s get down to business. Any changes to the monthly… donations to the John Cayenne fund?

Frank: Let me take a look. Hmmm… Everything seems to be in order…. Ah yes, it looks like the Mace brothers have missed their payment for the second month in a row.

Cayenne: Well... won’t they be surprised the next time either of them ends up in court. And exactly how much… creative accounting were you able to pull off this time?

Frank: This month I was able to get you 12 percent off the top.

Cayenne: *laughs* Attaboy, Frank. Excellent work, as always. You really are my right hand man, you know.

Frank: Aww shucks. It was nothing, your honor, really.

Cayenne: The only thing that would make this day better is to teach that flippant waitress a lesson. Wait, *chuckles* I have an idea that will put our little miss in her place...

---

Alice: Here are your drinks, made just the way you asked

Cayenne: Here, let me take them from you

Alice: No need to --- Woaaah! *Crash*

Alice: Now why’d you have to go and do a thing like that? You know I’m perfectly capable of placing drinks on a table myself!

Cayenne: Oh, sorry, sorry. How completely foolish of me. I don’t know what came over me.

Alice: You better be sorry, now I have to stoop down and clean this mess up all by myself

Cayenne: Yes, I suppose you will

*Slap*

Alice: *Gasp* Now would you kindly remove your hand from my backside, please? I-I-I find that wildly inappropriate… Your honor

Cayenne: Inappropriate? But you were the one who bent down in front of me. Wearing that dress… Wearing those heels. Why, you were simply asking for it.

Alice: I did not ask for you to… *gulp* try and woo me in that manner. I-I-I was simply doing my job

Frank: Your honour, don’t you think---

Cayenne: ubp, ubp, ubp! Woo you? Ha! Don’t flatter yourself thinking I was trying to woo you, sweetheart. You’re not even that good looking of a girl!

Alice: Well… Well then, why would you ---?

Harry: Alice, could you come over here a minute? Now?

---

Harry: For crying out loud, Alice! Not only have you wasted a perfectly good set of espressos, but you’ve painted a customer’s suit with them! And not just any customer, I might add, but John Cayenne? He could shut the place down if he wanted to. What is the matter with you?

Alice: Please, Mr. Tarragon, you have to listen to me. None of this was my fault. He… That prune pit... Tipped over my hands on purpose! And worse, he did it so he could… So he could paw at me. I don’t feel so good. My knees feel so weak. And my head…

Harry: Oh here, why don’t you have a seat? *chair moving*

Alice: Thank you… I can’t believe this has happened to me. You hear stories like these all the time, but I never thought it would happen to me. This just can’t be happening.

Harry: Oh, Alice. I can see how this would be awful for you. But you have to look on the bright side. He didn’t hurt you, or steal something of yours. No real crime was committed here today

Alice: No, that was definitely a crime, I know it must be. This whole thing has made me feel more terrible than I ever have in my life!

Harry: I understand, but there’s nothing left to be done. You’ll feel better in no time! I’ll give you a few minutes to compose yourself

Alice: I think I’m going to need more than a few minutes, Mr Tarragon. And there is so something that can be done! He can be pinched and shoved into a jail cell for what he did.

Harry: You can’t be suggesting that -

Alice: Yes I am, indeed. I’m going to take him to court. And you’re going to be my witness

Harry: Oh, no, that I cannot do. With the kind of pull that man has in the legal community, one word and there’d be a boycott on this establishment from every lawyer, aide, and clerk in Brooklyn. That’s more than half our regular clientele!

Alice: Please, that awful man needs to be taken off the streets. You said yourself that he’s not on the level. He deserves to rot in jail for touching me like that.

Harry: I’m sorry Alice, but I… I didn’t see it happen. I can’t help you.

Alice: Baloney! With all the commotion, the entire BLOCK must have looked over.

Harry: I was already fixing up some java to replace the order that you… Well, he… dropped. Even if I had seen, I’d be out of a job if I spoke up. You’d be out of a job too.

Alice: I’m going to be out of a job this instant if you don’t pledge to help me!

Harry: Alice… Please don’t do this. I already said I can’t help you. Think of your future, think of your father, what would he say?

Alice: My father would support me no matter what. I’m sorry that you don’t share the same conviction. This is goodbye, Mr. Tarragon.

Harry: Alright, alright, I’ll tell you what. I’ll give you two months pay to hold you over until you find another job. Just don’t come back here expecting a place at the Gavel when your kale goes sour.

Alice: *Pause* Thank you Mr Tarragon. You’ve always been very kind to me. I will remember that.

Harry: I can see it in your eyes that you’ll see this court idea of yours through to the end. Go on now, I’ll clean up this mess myself. You go along home and get some rest.

Alice: Then, this is not goodbye. Only farewell. I do hope to see you again soon, only next time with justice by my side.

Harry: *Chuckles* Farewell then, Alice.

---

Alice: Mr Cayenne, a pleasure to see you, as always. Next time I see you, it’ll be in court!

Cayenne: Seeing as I have a career as a Judge, that is indeed a place you’d expect to see me

*Door with bell closes*

---

Credits Voice Thank you for listening to episode 1 of The Crooked Gavel! Follow us on Twitter @TheCrookedGavel for updates and discussions of this and other queer projects. This episode’s cast in order of appearance:

Katte Noel as Alice Cinnamon

Nicholas Alain as Harry Tarragon

Kaidan Cormier as Lillian Paprika

An Capuano as Frank Saffron

Michael Hope as John Cayenne

And An Capuano as the credits voice

Directed by - An Capuano

Produced by - An Capuano

Written by - An Capuano

Copy Editing by - Sharon van Wyngaarden

Casting by - An Capuano

Sound Design by - An Capuano and BA Nemo

Logo Artist - McKenna Pipher

Audio Editing by - An Capuano

Audio Mastering by - An Capuano

Music by - Kevin MacLeod

Music used in this episode is attributed in the description.

#Queer #Lesbian #Drama #voice acting

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tyrantdk · 7 years

Text

Snippet of daily life 1

Ok, So we’re splitting this part of the mob au in to three. I couldn’t post it all together. Here’s part one! For the always lovely @atemthekingofgames, who never talks me out of anything.

I’ll post the other two parts tomorrow. It’s getting rather late here, & I’ve had a busy day.

Tanuki- Japanese trickster spirit

Cat’s pajamas- 20′s slang for you’re really cool

Button Man- 20′s slang for hit man; what Mai calls Atem

Cat/Kitty- 20′s slang for man; Mai and Tea’s pet name for Yugi

Doll- Atem’s name for Mai

Maker’s- Short for Maker’s Mark brand burbon

Mai and Tea rushed up to Yugi as he walked in. The two women grabbed both arms as they pulled him over to the bar. Mai poured him his usual pre-opening shot of vodka, a good luck charm he swore on, before sipping daintily on one of the two cups of tea. The pair shot him wide grins. Tea’s white beaded dress swished as she plopped into the chair next to him. Mai hopped up onto a bar stool, comfortable in her own slacks and shirt.

“Yugi Moutu, you sly little Tanuki! Who’s your little lady friend?” She asked with a knowing grin.

“I love you both dearly, Mai, but didn’t I-”

“What Mai means is we heard you were out on the town earlier with someone. We want to know who you were with. Indulge our need to gossip, particularly about our beloved cake-eater boss’ love life. Snazzy shoes, by the way. Are they new?” Tea winked as she interrupted. They didn’t care about his choice of partner. It was why he loved his girls.

“I was out with Atem. He saw how my feet get in my father’s shoes. He bought these for me. I like them, and they’re really comfortable.”

“Oh! Well now, aren’t you the cat’s pajamas? Do tell all about what you were doing with Atem. Is he the right kind of ‘cake’ for you?” Mai grinned devilishly as she leaned over the polished wood of the bar. “So, what’s our favorite Button Man like in bed?” Yugi’s face reddened at the question. He grabbed his previously untouched shot glass. He tossed the clear liquid back, feeling the burn of it sliding down his throat.

“You both know I don’t kiss and tell, but yes, he’s the right one for me. He loves me too, you know.” Tea grabbed his hand as Mai refilled his glass.

“You better give us more detail, Kitty!”

“Well, he was giving me a ride home last night. I might have gotten into a shootout, but Atem kept me safe. We went back to his place and I stayed the night. We were running when I just blurted it out.”

“Oh! What did he say!?”

“He didn’t turn you down, did he? If he broke your heart, well, we’ll just have to break him.”

“Doll, you wound me!” The trio turned to see Atem standing in the doorway. He walked over to them. He slid a hand over Yugi’s thigh, content to let it sit there. Yugi was fine until the customers started filing in. “How could I ever tell my Bearcat no? Look at him! Simply stunning. And wonderful in bed too. I’m gonna keep you forever.”

“Well, well, well. Looks like Boss got himself a keeper. But remember, Button Man, you hurt our cat, and we’ll show you why women have claws. Until then, I approve this relationship. You want your usual?”

“Maker’s on the rocks tonight, Doll. I feel like doing something different tonight.” Mai poured his drink. He let Yugi go, but dipped to whisper in his ear. “You’re coming home with me, right, Baby?”

“No. I gotta go home and make sure Joey hasn’t let my cats starve. If you behave, you can come with me.” Atem sauntered away to his plush throne. He settled there with happy sigh, pressing into the red velvet. Contentment weighed his bones as he watched over the club and its owner.

#fanfic #fanfics #mob au #period mob au #puzzleshipping #blindshipping

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screamsaboutotome · 7 years

Text

me trying to figure out my “type”:

alex cyprin (astoria:fate’s kiss/lovestruck) -sassy -cute -WAISTCOAT -smirk and blush give me life -responsible -badass -angst, just wants to protect you -childhood friend

tk yoon (castaway! love’s adventure/lovestruck) -cute -banter -known before route

ash winters (gangster in love/lovestruck) -quiet -badass -cute -animal lover -angst with a dead sister T_T

saerys (love & legends/lovestruck) -wants to protect you -cute -banter/teasing -angst being the last one of his race

orion (starship promise/lovestruck) -quiet -cute -brother angst

nova (starship promise /lovestruck ) -badass

atlas (starship promise /lovestruck ) -sassy sarcasm

chadwick lin (to love & protect /lovestruck ) -protective

diego escalona (havenfall is for lovers /lovestruck ) -sassy -protective

jordan “JD” davies (havenfall is for lovers /lovestruck ) -badass nb -established relationship -angsty

razi nassar (havenfall is for lovers /lovestruck) -established relationship -wants to protect you!! -mutual pining godamnit

julius harper (speakeasy tonight/lovestruck) -cute -soft -just wants you to be safe

707 (mysme) -ANGST -memer -cute -wants to protect you -extroverted

red (nameless) -angst -cute -naive, kinda -wants to be the one to save you from danger <3 -extroverted

jihae (dandelion) -formal -long hair -introverted(?)

emilio (the blind griffin) -TSUN -banter -”bearcat” -cute -waistcoat -doesn’t wanna hurt anyone

fritz (cinderella phenomenon) -loyal af -protective -cute -kinda childhood friend? -route has LOTS OF ANGST

nicholl (lads in distress)(new demo available, unlikely to change) -childhood friend -banter -cute -wants u to be ok

bae (xoxo droplets) -condescending -so many pet names -so much banter i love it -fashionable

emerett (xoxo droplets) -cute -banter -fashionable

emry (queen’s crown)(demo only, unreleased, may change) -long hair -cute -childhood... mentor? -wants u to be ok and be safe? i think? -introverted

roberto (bmp / bmp PARTY) -CUTE -just wants 2 have fun -extroverted

yakov (bmp) -sexy af -but naive when it comes to love~ -long hair

zain (bmp PARTY)(i like all three of them fite me) -sexy af -wants to protect u -tease smh

max (bmp2) -PETNAMES -just wants to protect u -loves to tease

ivan (bmp2) (i like them both,,) -blush is adorable -kinda naive to love (u can tell hes yakovs grandson LMAO) -just trying to do what he has to

luke (red string of fate) -responsible -cute -introverted

seth (the masquerade killer)(abandoned :() -childhood friend -cute

august (the masquerade killer)(abandoned :() -sassy -observant -seems kind at heart

sol (locked heart) -cute -kinda -pretends to be naive, is not -long hair

dario (vicboys)(demo, unlikely to change) -cute -rich -responsible -kind -introverted

kylan (airis) -clever -trying to fix his mistakes -cute -introverted

shiro (re:alistair++) -cute -kind -introverted -needs to eat properly

travis (re:alistair++) (i like them both,, ok) -responsible -f the rules, i am the rules -blush -introverted, kinda

asra (the arcana) -cute -kind -known for some time -kinda mysterious

julian (the arcana) (...look, i also like them both) -mysterious~ -looks like hes been through some angst -cute -blush

marc (gossip girl PARTY) (discontinued/removed ;-;) -kind -kinda naive to love -want to achieve his dreams but other ppl have other ideas -tease

callum (the confines of the crown) -sexy af -strong -protective

masamune (slbp) -cute -kinda naive to love -loyal af -wants u to be safe

mirai (sleepless cinderella PARTY) -tease -CUTE -wants to protect u from him

damien (seduce me the otome) -CUTE -kind -angst

sebastian (stardew valley) -bad boy -introverted -wants to try and stop smoking for u

finley (hustle cat) -cute -extroverted -badass -justice!!

reese (hustle cat) -CUTE -blushy -such a tsundere

ewan (changeling)(demo only, may change) -bad boy -CUTE -introverted -kinda quiet

corvin (changeling)(demo only, unlikely to change) -CUTE -extroverted -kind -longish hair

amesbury (the lady’s choice) -cute -kinda angsty route

hisashi (a(t)rium)(demo only, may change) -cute -kind

ross (a(t)rium)(demo only, may change) -CUTE -kind -poor dude leave him alone :c

janet lessig (ghosts of miami) -CUTE -waistcoat!! -charming as fuck -I;M LOVE

mitra (nusantara: legend of the winged ones) -cute -nice

kah’lil (nusantara: bermuda triangle)(demo only, prone to change) -cute -friendly -tease

rudolph (an otaku’s guide to santa’s reindeer) -cute -let me protect him

simon (blue rose) - established relationship pre-story - wants to protect you - long hair

prince guillaume (the rose of segunda) - long hair - smart - cute - nice

honrée (dorakone) - tsun - cute - tries her best (in the end)

hendrik (c14 dating) -CUTE - responsible - nice - HES SO CUTE WHY CAN HE EXIST IRL

john brandon (backstage pass)

shinji (mystic destinies)

the count (halloween otome)

kiron (valentines otome)

beauregarde lemay (rockrobin)

band camp boyfriend

golden hour

when the night comes

royal alchemist

zodiac axis

dark nights

arcade spirits

red wolf hiding

as we know it

the pirate mermaid

mark of lost royalty

tailor tales

tl;dr: i dont seem to have a fucking type,,, idk common themes seem to be: -cute -tease/banter -kind -previously established relationship

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carriejonesbooks · 6 years

Text

So, you want to write a young adult novel and you want it to be bad? I hear you. You’re tired of trying to write good novels for kids. Writing something awful it’s freeing and everyone cares too much about kids anyway, right?

Here are my tips for writing the worst YA novel you can.

Write like an 88-year old man from a wealthy neighborhood in Connecticut.

You once had a teenager perspective inside you back a few decades ago. That’s over now. You’re a full-fledged curmudgeon. Write like it.

Make sure that the whole book is written like you’re observing things from an ancient, judgmental difference.

Like a total fool, Brandon failed to put money in his IRA or notice that his skin’s taut nature. I laughed at him.

Make sure there is no emotional truth in anything.

You don’t want the readers to identify with any of your characters. What better way to do that than to make sure that they can’t. How do you do that? Make everything bland. Make everything completely lack intensity. Imagine Spock from Star Trek when he’s not in love with Kirk. Channel that.

I fell in love. No metaphors. It happened. Maybe it was gas. I had burritos for breakfast that morning, which always impacts my digestion.

Avoid any real teenagers. Wait. You can yell at them to get off your lawn, but that’s it.

You want a sucky book, right? Make sure you have no current pop references, write in a bubble and have no clue what teenagers care about or even look like. They’re all blue, right?

I wanted to be one of those people who are just there but not. I liked the smell of Metamucil. When Grampa visited I thought, “Cool.” Same thing as I thought when the love of my life showed up. Intensity is overrated.

Use a lot of slang!

Nothing makes an awful book like using slang from the 1940s in a present-day time period. Put in as many as possible.

Good ones include:

Armored heifer – Canned milk

Bust your chops – Yell at someone for being a dork

What’s buzzin’ cousin? – How are you doing?

He had high-tailed it out of there, and I did not have moxie to flap my gums to him about how she was a bearcat or not to take any wooden nickels from the other one, who was such a cancelled stamp.

Have No Plot

Seriously. Just have everything be stagnant. Have there be no immediacy. Have it be like a town planning board meeting discussing the land use ordinance’s shoreline setback for 5.7 hours.

We sat there. The others talked. Time passed. We sat some more. I stared at the ceiling fan. It seemed bored, too. We sat some more.

Have No Hope

Life is dark. Life has no hope. Why not teach the kids that right now, right? They will one day have to sit in a town planning board meeting so they might as well get used to life with no light at the end of the tunnel where someone busts their chops all day and they have to drink armored heifers.

Make them hate their existence as much as possible.

Everything sucked, but not in an intense way. Just a mellow suck – sort of a droning on of suckitude for years. Then I died after 80 years of almost-but-not-quite existential worries and moments. The end.

Do Good Wednesday!

A lot of abuse happens at home. Know the signs of abuse and help your friends or yourself. Nobody deserves pain.

National Domestic Violence Hotline Staffed 24 hours a day by trained counselors

1-800-799-SAFE (7233) 1-800-787-3224 (TDD)

National Sexual Assault Hotline

1.800.656.HOPE

rainn.org

The National Domestic Violence Hotline asks these questions to help you understand if something is abuse.

Does it….Does he/she/they…?

Insult, demean or embarrass you with put-downs?

Control what you do, who you talk to or where you go?

Look at you or act in ways that scare you?

Push you, slap you, choke you or hit you?

Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?

Control the money in the relationship? Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?

Make all of the decisions without your input or consideration of your needs?

Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away your children?

Prevent you from working or attending school?

Act like the abuse is no big deal, deny the abuse or tell you it’s your own fault?

Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?

Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?

Attempt to force you to drop criminal charges?

Threaten to commit suicide, or threaten to kill you?

You can volunteer for organizations locally and nationally. A good place to start is here.

Every time you do something good, you make an impact. It might not seem like a lot but moment after moment, tiny bits of help after tiny bits of help add up to change.

WRITING NEWS

Yep, it’s the part of the blog where I talk about my books and projects because I am a writer for a living, which means I need people to review and buy my books or at least spread the word about them.

Moe Berg

Things We Haven’t Said

Time Stoppers Front and Back Covers – US versions

This is what I look like. Well, with wet hair.

CARRIE’S APPEARANCES

I’ll be at Book Expo America in NYC on June 1 at 11:30 – 12 at the Lerner booth signing copies of the Spy Who Played Baseball. A week before that,I’ll also be in NYC presenting to the Jewish Book Council . Come hang out with me!

The Podcast

Look, Mom! It’s a podcast.

And please subscribe to and like our podcast if you listen and spread the word. It’s kind of you and it makes us feel happy. The RSS feed is here.

How To Write Sucky YA Novels So, you want to write a young adult novel and you want it to be bad? I hear you.

#dogood #dogoodwednesday #fiction #humor #kidlit #satire #writing #writing advice #writingtips #yafiction #yanovels #youngadultfiction

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thewanderingmariner · 6 years

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The 5.5-hectare Manila Zoo first opened its doors in July of 1959, and has since showcased the ecological riches of the country to generations of the capital’s dwellers. Being one of the oldest zoos in the region isn’t Manila Zoo’s only achievement. Within its confines, the world’s oldest captive hippopotamus was once held (she died, record unbeaten, last July 2017). On the flip side, what is dubbed the “world’s loneliest elephant” also resides within its care.

This is the image of Manila Zoo that has lived in the country’s consciousness. On one hand, it is a natural sanctuary within the busy city. As an attraction, it has brought smiles to thousands of children throughout time, being one of the more famous family bonding places this side of Manila. On the other hand, it is the notorious object of several anti-zoo protests across the years, its alleged sub-par conditions being cited as detrimental to its animal inhabitants.

But judgment aside, it cannot be denied that Manila Zoo is a worthy attraction on its own. Let’s take a look at what it has to offer.

Meet the Animals

Compared to other zoos in other parts of the world, the Manila Zoo is relatively small. And yet, it stands as a home to around a thousand animals coming from almost a hundred different species. The animals are contained in set areas around the park, and are fairly close to each other. This means you won’t have to walk far in order to spot the zoo’s various residents. This is one of the reasons why this is a family-friendly attraction.

Bengali Tiger

While there are a lot of “foreign” animal species like the Bengal tiger and the famous Asian elephant named Mali, the zoo also hosts a lot of endemic species. There are, for example, the playful long-tailed macaques and the interesting binturong or bearcat (which really looks like a bear with the body of a cat). Crocodiles can also be seen sunning themselves in their enclosure, though with the advent of crocodile farms they have become less of a novelty.

Curiously, most of the species in the zoo are reptiles — snakes, lizards, and the like. There are also various types of colorful birds, from the proud peacocks to the elegant flamingos. Small animals like ducks, chickens, rabbits, and the like are also present, along with cute ones like pot-bellied pigs! It’s hard to think of many animals that aren’t here in Manila zoo. Turtles, snakes, macaws, you name it!

Mali the elephant

Most of the animals here have been born in captivity. The rest had been brought in here since they were young — Mali being a great example, present since the first time the zoo opened. While some species like Bertha (the hippo we had talked about earlier) had failed to produce offspring, some species have continued their lines within the zoo. There is a specific place in the zoo that is dedicated to taking care of vulnerable newborns, and if you’re lucky you can spot some of them.

One of the most important parts of the zoo is the Wildlife Rescue Center, which is tasked with taking in and caring for rescued fauna. As a temporary shelter, it is mandated to take care of animals confiscated from illegal owners, donated or turned over by concerned citizens, sick and injured for various reasons, and more. It also takes in animals that had been rescued from illegal dealers.

As a park that is also geared to impart important education on its fauna, the zoo has various signs that give basic information about its inhabitants.

For the Kids

Kinder Zoo

A separate section in the zoo has been developed in partnership with Kinder Zoo. This section acts as a kind of private zoo within Manila Zoo, which is reserved for the smaller, child-friendly animals (and a few endangered ones). This means that children can interact with animals in this zoo. There are also various features, such as a pretty butterfly sanctuary and a flamingo pond! There’s even a hanging bridge, and a barn where various events can be held. This child-oriented zoo has been open since 2000.

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More than Wildlife

Unknown to many, the Manila Zoo is not just all about animals. It has a botanical garden as well, which has a decent collection of plants indigenous to the country and the Southeast Asian region in general. There is even a collection of trees (an arboretum) that shields the park from the pollution of the city around it.

For families who wish to take their time, there are also various playgrounds and picnic areas where you can bond. Long ago, the whole zoo was littered with photographers who will take your pictures and develop them (film was the vogue then). Now we’re in the age of selfies and GoPros, and there are lots of photogenic moments you can find here!

Manila Zoo Controversies and Criticism

If you look at review sites like TripAdvisor, Manila Zoo has gathered overwhelmingly negative comments. At one point, it’s true — if you have experienced a zoo in a first-world country, then Manila Zoo could not compare in the slightest. Even the Php 1.5B rehabilitation program last 2015 did not eliminate the negative aspects such as the less-than-ideal enclosures (Mali seems to be the poster-girl of this problem) and the overcrowding of animals (there are plans to move some of them to an out-of-town sanctuary). There are even calls to shut down the zoo entirely and turn it into a basketball stadium!

And yet, Manila Zoo still does its best with what it has. In person, it’s still a lot more than what you would think when you read the online comments. It may not have the best facilities, but the animals are well-fed and taken care of. Perhaps time will come and all these issues will be resolved, but now the place is still worth a visit — especially since it costs next to nothing!

The zoo is located at Malate, Manila, and is easily accessible via the LRT Vito Cruz Station. Make sure to drop by the souvenir shops before you leave!

Manila Zoo: More Than What You Think The 5.5-hectare Manila Zoo first opened its doors in July of 1959, and has since showcased the ecological riches of the country to generations of the capital’s dwellers.

#animals #family #recreation #zoo

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junker-town · 7 years

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NCAA bracket predictions 2017: Picking winners with mascots

What would happen if instead of basketball teams the 68 teams in the 2017 NCAA Tournament fielded a team of their mascots for a 40-minute hoops battle? Let’s find out.

The 2017 NCAA men’s Division I basketball tournament begins Tuesday with the play-in games, followed by the field of 64 tipping off Thursday. March Madness is college basketball at its best.

But what if it were not?

What if instead of finely tuned student-athletes the 68 colleges invited to the Big Dance fielded teams of whatever it is these teams call themselves. What if instead of Harry Giles, Grayson Allen and Jayson Tatum, Duke had a team of actual Blue Devils? Would those Blue Devils beat Troy University’s team of Trojans? I am skeptical!

What follows is a highly unscientific breakdown of which university would win a tournament in which a team of its mascots compete in basketball. The ground rules:

We’re not specifically using the costumed mascots as the official representation for the teams — come on, those are college kids in giant sweltering suits — but instead a generic representation based on the team name. Instead of running five cartoonish jayhawks with human legs and arms out there, Kansas will instead field a squad of actual jayhawks. (Needless to say, animal-based teams aren’t going to fare particularly well here.)

For confusing team monikers, however, we will look to the mascot for guidance.

We will also not outright disqualify teams for carrying unallowed weapons or wearing unsanctioned body armor. They just can’t use those as intended without being called for fouls. I mean, obviously.

Let’s go.

Photo by Lance King/Getty Images

FIRST FOUR

North Carolina Central EAGLES vs. UC Davis AGGIES

“Aggie” is a generic mascot for agriculture-based land grant schools like UC Davis. So we turn to Davis’ actual mascot for a guidance. He is Gunrock, a horse. I am not convinced either a team of eagles or a team of horses would score in a basketball game, but I’m willing to give the nod to the team that can conceivably hoist a ball above the hoop and drop it in.

WINNER: N.C. Central Eagles

Mount Saint Mary’s MOUNTAINEERS vs. New Orleans PRIVATEERS

Ooh, this is a good match-up. Mountaineers are gritty and strong, and would dominate in endurance sports. Privateers engage in actual warfare. Basketball is in no way war, thankfully.

WINNER: Mount Saint Mary’s Mountaineers

Kansas State WILDCATS vs. Wake Forest DEMON DEACONS

I’m not sure Satanic priests are the best basketball players available, but wildcats don’t have thumbs or the ability to understand the rules of the game.

WINNER: Wake Forest Demon Deacons

Providence FRIARS vs. USC TROJANS

Friars don’t even have the benefit of fealty to Beelzebub. Bad draw here as they face legendary warriors in lieu of animals.

WINNER: USC Trojans

Photo by Joe Robbins/Getty Images

FIRST ROUND

Kansas JAYHAWKS vs. N.C. Central EAGLES

I just learned today that the jayhawk isn’t even a real bird. Go N.C. Central.

WINNER: N.C. Central Eagles

Miami HURRICANES vs. Michigan State SPARTANS

Well, this is going to get messy. Let’s institute a special rule: the baskets are impervious to high wind and there is a force field around the court so we don’t have foreign objects (other than the ball and, uh, Spartans) flying around. The hurricanes are as likely to sink an errant basket for MSU as they are to sink one of their own. They are not sentient!

WINNER: Michigan State Spartans

Iowa State CYCLONES vs. Nevada WOLFPACK

Same weather-related rules apply for this stirring battle. This is a disaster of a match-up. Iowa State blows it with an errant basket in quadruple overtime.

WINNER: Nevada Wolfpack

Purdue BOILERMAKERS vs. Vermont CATAMOUNTS

I don’t imagine the people who make boilers are particularly adept at playing basketball, but at least they are not cats.

WINNER: Purdue Boilermakers

Creighton BLUEJAYS vs. Rhode Island RAMS

Are bluejays clever? They are small, but they can get a ball in the air if they are clever. Let’s hope they are clever.

WINNER: Creighton Bluejays

Oregon DUCKS vs. Iona GAELS

I don’t believe ducks to be clever. Ireland is not known for producing excellent basketballers, but as Gaels are Gaellic-speaking people, they are indeed people, so they move on.

WINNER: Iona Gaels

Michigan WOLVERINES vs. Oklahoma State COWBOYS

In a fight to the death, this might be interesting. But in a game of basketball, there is no contest.

WINNER: Oklahoma State Cowboys

Louisville CARDINALS vs. Jacksonville State GAMECOCKS

Gamecocks are fighting roosters. As interesting as that may be, cardinals can, uh, fly.

WINNER: Louisville Cardinals

Gonzaga BULLDOGS vs. South Dakota State JACKRABBITS

This is untenable.

WINNER: South Dakota State Jackrabbits

Northwestern WILDCATS vs. Vanderbilt COMMODORES

Another loss for wildcats. When will colleges get the picture? WILDCATS ARE BAD AT SPORTS.

WINNER: Vanderbilt Commodores

Notre Dame FIGHTING IRISH vs. Princeton TIGERS

Ireland is coming up huge in the tournament this year.

WINNER: Notre Dame Fighting Irish

West Virginia MOUNTAINEERS vs. Bucknell BISON

Mountaineers will get buckets and then treat themselves to some bison jerky.

WINNER: West Virginia Mountaineers

Maryland TERRAPINS vs. Xavier MUSKETEERS

There may be no animal in the tournament less equipped to play basketball than the turtles.

WINNER: Xavier Musketeers

Florida State SEMINOLES vs. Florida Gulf Coast EAGLES

No one wants to meet the Seminoles in this tournament.

WINNER: Florida State Seminoles

Saint Mary’s GAELS vs. VCU RAMS

The rise of the Irish!

WINNER: Saint Mary’s Gaels

Arizona WILDCATS vs. North Dakota FIGHTING HAWKS

Not just any hawks, mind you.

WINNER: North Dakota Fighting Hawks

Photo by Streeter Lecka/Getty Images

North Carolina TAR HEELS vs. Texas Southern TIGERS

A “Tar Heel” is actually just a person from North Carolina. UNC’s teams could be 12 Michael Jordans, or one Michael Jordan, six Andy Griffiths, a couple of John Coltranes, a Thelonious Monk, a James Polk and a Catfish Hunter (coached by Roy Williams). I’m taking the Heels very far in this bracket.

WINNER: North Carolina Tar Heels

Arkansas RAZORBACKS vs. Seton Hall PIRATES

A razorback will have burrowed beneath midcourt by halftime.

WINNER: Seton Hall Pirates

Minnesota GOPHERS vs. Middle Tennessee BLUE RAIDERS

Hope none of those azure pirates sprain an ankle on a gopher hole. (Why is Middle Tennessee State the Blue Raiders when their actual mascot is a winged unicorns? My daughters would definitely pay any cost to become Middle Tennessee Winged Unicorns.)

WINNER: Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders

Butler BULLDOGS vs. Winthrop EAGLES

Dogs are adorable yet horrible at basketball (golden retrievers excluded).

WINNER: Winthrop Eagles

Cincinnati BEARCATS vs. Wake Forest DEMON DEACONS

The Satanic priests cannot be stopped (so long as they face shockingly inappropriate foes).

WINNER: Wake Forest Demon Deacons

UCLA BRUINS vs. Kent State GOLDEN FLASHES

What the heck is a Golden Flash supposed to be? According to lore (also known as the internet), it was originally lightning, then a golden retriever (!) and now eagles. I would be more dismayed if the above-linked article didn’t report that to unveil the eagle mascot, the school created a giant fake egg out of which the mascot was birthed. Incredible! However, bruins are usually capable basketball animals. They can stand upright and adult brown bears are up to five feet tall. If Isaiah Thomas can do it, why can’t a real bruin?

WINNER: UCLA Bruins

Dayton FLYERS vs. Wichita State SHOCKERS

A classic battle: dudes who cull wheat against dudes in planes.

WINNER: Dayton Flyers

Kentucky WILDCATS vs. Northern Kentucky NORSE

We have found a universe in which Northern Kentucky can destroy Kentucky in basketball. Leif Erikson was a baller.

WINNER: Northern Kentucky Norse

Photo by Sean M. Haffey/Getty Images

Villanova WILDCATS vs. Mount Saint Mary’s MOUNTAINEERS

A team with a ubiquitous animal team name will never go back-to-back in my tournament.

WINNER: Mount Saint Mary’s Mountaineers

Wisconsin BADGERS vs. Virginia Tech HOKIES

A “hokie” is a loyal VT fan. Uhh ... are VT students good at basketball? Are VT players loyal VT fans? We’ll allow it!

WINNER: Virginia Tech Hokies

Virginia CAVALIERS vs. UNC Wilmington SEAHAWKS

We won’t even cheat and let UVA use LeBron and Kyrie.

WINNER: Virginia Cavaliers

Florida GATORS vs. East Tennessee State BUCCANEERS

What’s it with college mascots and Irish people, clergymen and seafaring folk of ill repute?

WINNER: East Tennessee State Buccaneers

SMU MUSTANGS vs. USC TROJANS

Always with the horses, Men of Troy.

WINNER: USC Trojans

Baylor BEARS vs. New Mexico State AGGIES

This edition of the Aggies is represented by a gun-twirling, chaps-wearing fella named Pistol Pete. That seems appropriate based on the Southwest’s rangeland history, though you’d love to get a pepper plant or something in there.

WINNER: New Mexico State Aggies

South Carolina GAMECOCKS vs. Marquette GOLDEN EAGLES

We have as many teams of Gamecocks in this tournament as we do Bulldogs. What is happening with our sport?

WINNER: Marquette Golden Eagles

Duke BLUE DEVILS vs. Troy TROJANS

The Troy University Trojans? Seriously? Trojans probably beat Blue Devils on the court — the Trojans were amazing, I’ve seen that show on The History Channel, okay? — but veto. I veto the Troy Trojans. VETO.

WINNER: Duke Blue Devils

Photo by Joe Robbins/Getty Images

SECOND ROUND

N.C. Central EAGLES vs. Michigan State SPARTANS

Easy victory for the men of Sparta. Let’s cull all the birds in this round, okay?

WINNER: Michigan State Spartans

Nevada WOLFPACK vs. Purdue BOILERMAKERS

People who build boilers advance to the Sweet Sixteen! A real Cinderella story!

WINNER: Purdue Boilermakers

Creighton BLUEJAYS vs. Iona GAELS

How many teams representing noted basketball power Ireland will we get into the Sweet 16? Here’s one.

WINNER: Iona Gaels

Oklahoma State COWBOYS vs. Louisville CARDINALS

Fun fact: New Mexico State has to pay Oklahoma State to license the likeness of their Aggie mascot Pistol Pete.

WINNER: Oklahoma State Cowboys

South Dakota State JACKRABBITS vs. Vanderbilt COMMODORES

No team mascot (outside of the Troy Trojans) has ever been more appropriate than the Vanderbilt Commodores. The word “commodore” might actually mean “of Vanderbilt.” I think that’s right.

WINNER: Vanderbilt Commodores

Notre Dame FIGHTING IRISH vs. West Virginia MOUNTAINEERS

This is a good one. Again, mountaineers are rugged and have excellent endurance. Fighting Irish ... uh, they fight? There’s no fighting in basketball.

WINNER: West Virginia MOUNTAINEERS

Xavier MUSKETEERS vs. Florida State SEMINOLES

Guns won’t save you in this shooting contest. (Also, muskets were terrible firearms.)

WINNER: Florida State Seminoles

St. Mary’s GAELS vs. North Dakota FIGHTING HAWKS

I’d give it to the Fighting Hawks if the l and the e in “Gaels” were switched.

WINNER: St. Mary’s Gaels

North Carolina TAR HEELS vs. Seton Hall PIRATES

You could have three Jack Sparrows, eight Blackbeards and a Roberto Clemente and you’re not beating one Michael Jordan and 11 Clay Aikens.

WINNER: North Carolina Tar Heels

Middle Tennessee BLUE RAIDERS vs. Winthrop EAGLES

End the animalocracy!

WINNER: Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders

Wake Forest DEMON DEACONS vs. UCLA BRUINS

Bears are animals’ best shot at making the Final Four, but those clergyman are absolutely possessed on the court.

WINNER: Wake Forest Demon Deacons

Dayton FLYERS vs. Northern Kentucky NORSE

Lauri Markannen is from Finland, and Finland is a Nordic country. Pilots are cool and all, but Lauri Markannen is divine.

WINNER: Northern Kentucky NORSE

Mount Saint Mary’s MOUNTAINEERS vs. Virginia Tech HOKIES

Since we’re allowing the actual Virginia Tech basketball team to be considered Hokies, there’s no way to avoid giving them the nod here.

WINNER: Virginia Tech Hokies

Virginia CAVALIERS vs. East Tennessee State BUCCANEERS

A “cavalier” sounds cool and has a dope associated adjective, so I always assumed cavaliers were dangerous rogues. They are apparently simply bros who followed Charles I? Let’s go with the pirates.

WINNER: East Tennessee State Buccaneers

USC TROJANS vs. New Mexico State AGGIES

Westerns may glorify the life of cowboys, but most of them weren’t in the middle of shoot-outs and getting in bar brawls. They were rounding up livestock. The Trojans, meanwhile, were some of the greatest warriors in history. (Wait ... the Trojans were real, right?)

WINNER: USC Trojans

Marquette GOLDEN EAGLES vs. Duke BLUE DEVILS

While I now regret failing to set up a Trojans vs. Trojans battle in the Sweet 16 — who looks more athletic, USC’s Tommy Trojan or Troy University’s T-Roy? wait ... T-Roy? — at least we have finally rid our bracket of animals!

WINNER: Duke Blue Devils

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

ROUND OF 16

Michigan State SPARTANS vs. Purdue BOILERMAKERS

The Cinderella run for manufacturers of large industrial hot-water heaters is over.

WINNER: Michigan State Spartans

Iona GAELS vs. Oklahoma State COWBOYS

Down goes another set of Irish folk. What next, the Boston Celtics? (It’s pronounced with a hard C. The Boston Kelt-ics.)

WINNER: Oklahoma State Cowboys

Vanderbilt COMMODORES vs. West Virginia MOUNTAINEERS

High-ranking naval officers are likely in good shape, as are mountaineers. But the former also likely skew older, and Vince Carter aside, this is a young person’s sport.

WINNER: West Virginia Mountaineers

Florida State SEMINOLES vs. St. Mary’s GAELS

The luck has officially run out for the Irish.

WINNER: Florida State Seminoles

North Carolina TAR HEELS vs. Middle Tennessee BLUE RAIDERS

The Avett Brothers, 9th Wonder, Ben Folds, Tori Amos, George Clinton, J. Cole and five Michael Jordans? Sorry, sad pirates.

WINNER: North Carolina Tar Heels

Wake Forest DEMON DEACONS vs. Northern Kentucky NORSE

On the one hand, there are relatively prominent basketball players from the Nordic countries. On the other hand, top hats seem like unwieldy basketball gear.

WINNER: Northern Kentucky Norse

Virginia Tech HOKIES vs. East Tennessee State BUCCANEERS

Don’t let the inexplicable presence of pirates in Johnson City, Tenn., distract you from the fact that via loophole we have AN ACTUAL NCAA TOURNAMENT TEAM IN THIS FANTASY BRACKET.

WINNER: Virginia Tech HOKIES

USC TROJANS vs. Duke BLUE DEVILS

Yes, the real (?) Trojans were defeated by a wooden horse (need verification). But the Blue Devils have their own Achilles heel to trip them up: the singular karmic debt that exists due to Grayson Allen, the bluest devil of them all.

WINNER: USC Trojans

ROUND OF 8

Michigan State SPARTANS vs. Oklahoma State COWBOYS

You did The 300 Workout in 2007, right? It was wild.

WINNER: Michigan State Spartans

West Virginia MOUNTAINEERS vs. Florida State SEMINOLES

Tough loss for our shockingly resilient hobbyists. The dance is over. Go climb a rock.

WINNER: Florida State Seminoles

North Carolina TAR HEELS vs. Northern Kentucky NORSE

Lauri Markannen, Hanno Mottola, Petteri Koponen, Jonas Jerebko, Torgeir Byrn, Seymour Levov, Bjork and some dudes from the Minnetonka Y vs. Michael Jordan and 11 Kent Bazemores.

WINNER: North Carolina Tar Heels

Virginia Tech HOKIES vs. USC TROJANS

I repeat: the Virginia Tech team is legally allowed to be the actual Virginia Tech team.

WINNER: Virginia Tech Hokies

Photo by Streeter Lecka/Getty Images

FINAL FOUR

Michigan State SPARTANS vs. Florida State SEMINOLES

I’m telling you, I saw this on the History Channel. It might have been about who would win pinochle, not basketball, or maybe it was bridge. I don’t know.

WINNER: Florida State Seminoles

North Carolina TAR HEELS vs. Virginia Tech HOKIES

Michael Jordan and 11 fellow North Carolinians of his choosing against the Virginia Tech men’s basketball team. You think UNC has finally been beat ... until you remember Steph Curry is also technically a Tar Heel.

WINNER: North Carolina Tar Heels

CHAMPIONSHIP GAME

Florida State SEMINOLES vs. North Carolina TAR HEELS

I’d like to point out that it should be the Florida State Seminole, if the university indeed intends to retain as its mascot a tribe of Native Americans almost entirely banished from its homeland in the state where the university sits. Alas, Sean May, Dale Earnhardt, Julianne Moore, Zach Galifiniakis, Michael Jeffrey Jordan, and seven David Gergens just can’t be beat. Salute.

CHAMPION: NORTH CAROLINA TAR HEELS

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