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invisiblyvisiblejay · 7 months

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okay i think maybe my relationship is like. rescueable as long as i stop!! doing!! fucked up!! shit!! like apparently my irl communication skills are not at all like. refined?? i guess?? so ive done like rly fucking inexcusable stuff twice (laughing at her when she said something serious (worst thing ive ever done that will haunt me forever), calling her girlfriend a terf and then going on an extremely defensive rant abt transmeds without giving her any opportunity to talk (second worst thing ive ever done i don't even think her girlfriend is a terf!! i never have!! i got very carried away and that will also haunt me forever) (second worst bc i had literally any explanation for my behavior whatsoever like still absolutely fucking inexcusable but the first one was like what the actual fuck there is zero reason that is ever appropriate and the second one was like. i got carried away abt something that is actually upsetting to me but it was not an appropriate way to deal with or engage that conversation whatsoever)). so i have to make sure that i don't fucking pull that shit again. im going to try to be rly conscious abt like. staying calm during important conversations bc i think that's part of the issue. i don't like reign my shit in and think abt what's appropriate and i have to be careful to do that. i can absolutely have proper appropriate conversations abt important things (and we have done that) i just need to focus on. only doing that. like that's abt moderating my tone and keeping an eye on my emotions and if im getting too upset / defensive (and i told her that if i ever fucking do that rly defensive thing again she can just tell me to stop and i will and won't be upset. i usually don't realize im doing it (part of the problem)). so im going to try to be really careful abt that bc i think the only way to rebuild that trust is going to be to just. not do anything like that again.

and then second thing is that i don't initiate enough so im going to work on dealing w my anxiety and just. doing things. and we talked abt what she's okay w me initiating in public (bc i know im okay with more than she is, so i was letting her initiate which i did tell her but now i have guidelines so i can also initiate) and now that we've had that conversation i think ill be able to deal with some of my anxiety by being like. no u should do/say that to a) show u can initiate and ur listening and b) show that u want stuff and ur into this.

so that's the big stuff. communicating appropriately (or more importantly not saying or doing rly inappropriate fucked up shit) and initiating more. and being rly fucking grateful she's giving me a chance to fix stuff / improve. also i told her to stop implying i can't consent bc like wtf but i think the initiating will help with that too.

also im going to ask my roommate (who has known me irl for 2 years) if there's any other like. shitty communication stuff she's noticed that i should keep an eye on. so far its managing tone and emotions.

#this is probably way too much information but that's too bad it's my tumblr i can post whatever i want <3 #no one i actually know follows me here which is extremely intentional and on purpose so i can post shit like this #and know it won't be misinterpreted or get back to the wrong person #anyways #i rly want to fix things definitely #two big guidelines (bc i need rules lol):#1. communicate calmly and intentionally #esp abt important stuff #2. initiate more #which includes everything like holding hands in public and talking abt stuff and etc #and then i guess we will see how she feels abt stuff bc ultimately i hurt her (multiple times)#so she has to feel better abt things for this to work #okay that's all my over sharing for now lol hope u all like my relationship drama #aka jay has their first ever close healthy irl relationship (i am not exaggerating)

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cupofkey · 4 years

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ok so literally nobody asked for this but ever since I made this post my thoughts have been consumed with the relationship between Vietnam, Cambodia, and Laos, so have a big rambly mess under the cut

(disclaimer, I don’t view the nations as geopolitical entities or direct representations so much as representatives of their people. so they’re impacted by politics and governments but they’re also their own people with personalities, relationships, lives etc. like Being A Nation is a big part of their lives, obvious as it may seem. so their strongest ties are to their people, their culture, and their nation status. and I believe they have their people’s best interests at heart, and that’s over everything else, including ideology... which is a really big part of any discussions of 20th century southeast asia. I think things were different in the past, but as nations wised up and the world began to change, they’ve kind of let go of associating too closely with govts.)

gosh okay so. these three grew up with each other; Vietnam is the oldest and usually was the one in charge. back in the days when they were younger, pre-colonialism and before they were all kingdoms, they weren’t the closest? Cambodia was kinda distant from all of them and working on his own stuff, Laos was the youngest and really leaning on Thailand for guidance at the beginning, Vietnam was also focused on doing her own thing and struggling against China. as they became kingdoms they started having clashes, border disputes, that kinda stuff— idk, I think that kind of “all my neighbors are my enemies” dynamic was pretty common, and so it wasn’t anything super deep between them. there was definitely some resentment toward Vietnam for being the bigger power, though

there was a period of prosperity, and Laos started to rely on Vietnam more... and then colonization happened, and suddenly they were all shoved into one thing as French Indochina. Laos, still the youngest, ended up relying even more on Vietnam, who was still the main player of the group. Cambodia felt even more alienated from them (and resentful toward Vietnam, for what he perceived as taking the position as the dominant one throughout their history, along with having the most favor with France). however colonialism began to really take its toll on all of them, and as WWII began and Indochina came under Japanese control, I think these uneasy dynamics fell apart between them. they all acutely felt the traumas of having many starkly divided groups within themselves, the horrors of colonization, the machinations of ideology... I think there was a breaking point of sorts during/after this period (as their people endured brutalization at the hands of their govts) where these 3 reached out to each other as their bodies/nations started to be figuratively/literally torn apart.

and idk like I said I don’t personally hc most nations as fallible to ideology. at least not in the 20th century... they can be deluded, they can buy into it, they can go along with things, but it’s all for their people first and foremost. they don’t truly believe in anything like that anymore. (well, with the exception of America, but he’s young.) and I guess I also hc that they became pretty powerless within a govt context, and that the govt can’t really do much about or with them. anyways yea I think at that point they started to drift away from going with their governments, letting go of rivalry on a personal level. their govts hate each other, but they band together.

but so much shit happened throughout the 60s and 70s... and I think as their governments began to really harm their people, drive each other apart, civil wars raging, etc they continued to seek each other out. I think Cambodia especially felt a lot of pain when his government took a fiercely anti-Vietnam stance, like it was some kind of dark fulfillment of his anger against her from all those years ago, and now he had to pay for that. Laos also had conflicting feelings about Vietnam, seeing as her government was also following her lead of relying on Vietnam in the past, except now it was just contributing to the conflicts going on. the events of this time must have made them feel so incredibly alone— and so whenever they met each other I think they really just. understood each other without words. when Vietnam struggles to stand up, when she can’t hold her chopsticks without dropping them, they understand, because they’ve been through civil war too and they know the toll it takes. when Cambodia is in too much pain to move, they understand, because they’ve been through their governments directly harming and killing their people, and they know what that feels like. like... they just understand each other now. every day is more trauma and pain as their governments are at each other’s throats, and they have to somehow reconcile govt and people and their own personal feelings.

when the khmer rouge is finally deposed of (by Vietnamese forces) it seems like it’ll be a turning point— but there’s just more and more turmoil, and I think they kinda drifted apart again in this period. Cambodia was thankful but quickly became bitter about the Vietnamese presence in his country... I think they were all just. exhausted at this point. the worst of the worst has passed but there’s still so much suffering. however as the years pass and they get into the ‘90s and ‘00s, their countries and economies begin to do better, and they can finally breathe for just a moment and begin to process all of the trauma of the previous century. (rather than just, well, shoving it away because staying alive is more important rn.) ofc there are still plenty of problems. and so they seek each others company when things are feeling off, when old wounds resurface, or when shitty things are happening with their govts. like I’m thinking abt how Laos has a nervous breakdown when they’re clearing unexploded ordnance (bombs etc) from some of her cultural heritage sites bc it’s just... overwhelming and awful how scarred her people have become from this legacy of war. and Cambodia and Vietnam are there for her throughout the whole thing, they listen to her, they feed her, they sit with her so she doesn’t have to be alone. because she’s not. they know exactly what she’s feeling, they also acutely feel that pain of lives and culture lost to war.

nowadays, things are easier between them, and they seem like chill work acquaintances to most people. I think they often stick to their own friends or stay in big groups in public situations? like they’re friends in a smaller, private context, and not many people will get to see that other side of them. when they do get together, they just... exist together. sometimes one of them is upset about something and the others are there to listen. on dates like black april for example they’ll often make a ton of food and put on corny old pop music and just Be without fear of judgment or people not understanding. also I’d imagine Vietnam sometimes puts on Paris By Night or other stuff made by her diaspora about her traumas, and they talk about those individuals’ small efforts to share their own feelings, the impacts of their traumas as nations on said human individuals. idk I think they really have helped each other a lot via discussions like that, and just by supporting each other in general. lots of quiet listening and Just Being There here. they don’t say it, but they care a lot, and if they can ease each other’s pain just a little bit it’s all okay.

anyways jesus fuck that was long and I have so many emotions about them. I have fr just made up a whole thing in my brain and I will keep thinking about this. but thanks for reading this far and feel free to tell me what u think... yea

#hetalia #hws vietnam #hws laos #hws cambodia #my thoughts #also next chapter of ghlr is coming tomorrow lol #ive just been... Thinking #lies down and cries #i just like #found family ya know #silent stoic support #YEAH... YEA #oh and if u wanna hear more abt cambodia lmk #i am slowly fleshing him out in my brain so #oml i rly spent an hour just vomiting this out... its 1am.... huh

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undert33th · 5 years

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I really like your Chara design can you talk about your interpretation of them?

First off tysm !!!!!!! I’m so glad u like them ;0

Second off yes of course ! Here’s a few things about them :

-they r mongolian-american

-they lived in northern Oregon/southern Washington for most of their life on the surface, both in civilization and out on the woods (I’ve always had this idea of Chara being a forager, super self sufficient, it’s one of the first things I developed abt my interpretation of them)

-lived in a group home as a child (along with that they love kids !)

-Chara has inattentive ADHD as well as bipolar disorder

-SpIn’s include: fungi, knives, sewing and geometry (which they suck at but it’s challenging and stimulating and fun work)

-they were 9 when they ‘fell’ underground and 12 when The Plan was enacted

And now for more game related stuff:

-i whole-heartedly support NarraChara

-I know everyone likes to think that Chara has a special connection with Frisk but I like to think that they could interact the same way with every fallen (that includes influencing their choices)

-going with influencing the choices of the fallen they initially did their best to cause the children to fail in hopes of saving their family after death

-they talk Like That at the end of NM to appear more intimidating (by Like That I mean like a walking dictionary)

-the no mercy route was NOT their doing (I like to think of the player as an entity, while Chara is more of just an outside force if that makes any sense? Chara can certainly control Frisk as a vessel, but only of A) frisk has given them that option, B) they’re anxious/angry/emotional enough that their power amps up and allows them to overtake frisks living soul, or C) the player is controlling Frisk through Chara) (I can post more of my ghost stuff if y'all want it just shoot me an ask) back on track for this one the no mercy route was not their doing, but they do give you, the player, not frisk, an ultimatum at the end of the no mercy route because they’re fucking pissed at you

-Goopy Chara? Cool! It’s congealed blood

-Chara only finds out that Flowey is Asriel in true lab which is why its so weird (i cannot for the life of me find the post but its super popular, probably a birdsareblooming or undertale-in-2k19 post)

Personality wise:

-theyre super skittish and jumpy. Startle at everything and wear headphones Everywhere

-theyre semi-verbal and have selective mutism (won’t speak in public at all, rarely in front of Toriel and Asgore, and frequently to Asriel and Frisk)

-with that, they’re super light on their feet and hardly make any noise when moving

-also; very quick and hard to catch

-they tend to fall apart under pressure . In a situation where something is expected of them they’ll either overwork themselves into a burnout or stop functioning all together .

-very logical and has a hard time processing strong emotions (mostly anger)

-does a lot of mimicking and can take a while to trust

-hyper empathetic

-they can be very charming and good at manipulation; take that how you will

Extra HC’s:

-Chara knows magic! It’s not much, and it really drains them, but Asgore taught them (it’s mostly enacted through hand signs and they know healing and self defense)

-they stim a ton! Cracking their knuckles and chewing are the big ones

-Worn Dagger is a survival knife gifted by an older human brother from before falling who I’m referring to currently as Anthony . It’s got a wood and resin handle and a seven inch blade with gold embossing of flowers (specifically daisies). The sheath is hand made and embroidered by them !

-they know sign language and are constantly making new slang terms . Their signing is so modified and personalized that a lot of people have a hard time understanding what theyre saying

-arthritis in their hands and wrists from a couple injuries that never healed right and constant use of their knife only made it worse (they have these splints designed to look like gloves that hold their wrist in place)

-listen to me . Listen to me. They get their hands on Tetris and never let go . Tetris is the coolest game to them . Have y'all seen Tetris tournaments ? If not watch one they’re addictive . Chara gets in . Chara rocks it . They don’t win but they get up there . They fucking rock at Tetris guys

-also after frisk shows them minecraft they fucking lose it okay . ‘Frisk’ starts making houses or rooms fully furnished for seemingly no-one and Tori only . raises an eyebrow

-they listen to lots of rock and early 2000′s alternative/techno once they can get their hands on it. Frisk hates it so they’ll debate about it a lot

-super sensitive to smell and textures

(ps: its worth mentioning that a lot of my chara is based around myself! chara is one of my comfort characters and so a lot of them is just kinda … me, or who i wish i was on some level owo)

and might as well throw in some thoughts on canon compliant chara:

-we dont really know much about canon chara, but theyve shown to be somewhat manipulative and have a really strong case of suicidal idealization . this sort of ties into the idea of them being a martyr, the future of humans and monsters; thats like a huge fucking load for a kid to carry that i definitely feel could have some effect on mental health. like, telling a kid that they’re the future of two separate races, while theyre also learning about 1) how horrifically humans acted towards monsters and 2) how the barrier can be broken, especially while already having a tendency towards self harmful actions (i.e: jumping off a fucking mountain), and given how presumably awfully humans treated them in comparison to all the kindness theyve been shown by monsters, I think I’d get some ideas too.

- I’ve already said that i don’t think they’re evil, and I’ll stand by that opinion until the day of my death

-that said, their plan was flawed. I mean, obvi. the things they did, such as attempt suicide on 2 occasions, and succeed on one with the help of Asriel (as well as taking him down with them !) were wrong for quite a few reasons. I think ultimately they were blinded by the pressure placed on them, whether it was intentional or not, and not having a place to diffuse that anxiety, they sort of absorbed it and honed it into a plan to save everyone important (monsters, who showed some bare minimum decency and kindness) and kill everyone who wasn’t (that being themself.) And, once the first part of that plan succeeded, they sort of exploded; being on the surface, with humans, the people who hurt them, the people they hated, was a good enough motive to release all that built up tension .

-also, i might as well go into no mercy- I think Chara winds up with a lot of power, a lot of anxiety, and anger built up, so when every monster in the underground is killed theyre sort of gaining power bit by bit- until the end, after you kill flowey, and we get to meet them for real . I think they’re pissed off, and they try to convince you that you’re in the right, they thank you, etc; they try to appeal to the player, who throughout the run weve only seen as a mindless killing machine, in an attempt to get you to erase the world and go back on your decisions . When you don’t, they get frustrated, explode, using all the power they’ve gained through the run to erase the file themself.

I just . I dunno . i could talk about chara for hours please ask me more questions about them

#man oh man !#long post #txt #chara #blease ask me about bitch of living and K9 #also would yall be interested in fic ?#i have an ask !!!!!!!!!

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