okay i think maybe my relationship is like. rescueable as long as i stop!! doing!! fucked up!! shit!! like apparently my irl communication skills are not at all like. refined?? i guess?? so ive done like rly fucking inexcusable stuff twice (laughing at her when she said something serious (worst thing ive ever done that will haunt me forever), calling her girlfriend a terf and then going on an extremely defensive rant abt transmeds without giving her any opportunity to talk (second worst thing ive ever done i don't even think her girlfriend is a terf!! i never have!! i got very carried away and that will also haunt me forever) (second worst bc i had literally any explanation for my behavior whatsoever like still absolutely fucking inexcusable but the first one was like what the actual fuck there is zero reason that is ever appropriate and the second one was like. i got carried away abt something that is actually upsetting to me but it was not an appropriate way to deal with or engage that conversation whatsoever)). so i have to make sure that i don't fucking pull that shit again. im going to try to be rly conscious abt like. staying calm during important conversations bc i think that's part of the issue. i don't like reign my shit in and think abt what's appropriate and i have to be careful to do that. i can absolutely have proper appropriate conversations abt important things (and we have done that) i just need to focus on. only doing that. like that's abt moderating my tone and keeping an eye on my emotions and if im getting too upset / defensive (and i told her that if i ever fucking do that rly defensive thing again she can just tell me to stop and i will and won't be upset. i usually don't realize im doing it (part of the problem)). so im going to try to be really careful abt that bc i think the only way to rebuild that trust is going to be to just. not do anything like that again.

and then second thing is that i don't initiate enough so im going to work on dealing w my anxiety and just. doing things. and we talked abt what she's okay w me initiating in public (bc i know im okay with more than she is, so i was letting her initiate which i did tell her but now i have guidelines so i can also initiate) and now that we've had that conversation i think ill be able to deal with some of my anxiety by being like. no u should do/say that to a) show u can initiate and ur listening and b) show that u want stuff and ur into this.

so that's the big stuff. communicating appropriately (or more importantly not saying or doing rly inappropriate fucked up shit) and initiating more. and being rly fucking grateful she's giving me a chance to fix stuff / improve. also i told her to stop implying i can't consent bc like wtf but i think the initiating will help with that too.

also im going to ask my roommate (who has known me irl for 2 years) if there's any other like. shitty communication stuff she's noticed that i should keep an eye on. so far its managing tone and emotions.