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cuinnamonbun · 3 years

Note

I really love ur headcanon about Hijabi Mc with the brothers! I really love it cuz there is no one writing about us in any fandom =(

I was thinking would u do the (un)datebale characters with Hijabi Mc if u can ? =3

If u don’t want then u can ignore the ask 🖤

Hello there, angel! I assume you meant the chaotic Hijabi MC headcanon that I wrote, so I hope you enjoyed these xx

she/her pronouns!!

The (Un)Dateable Characters' + Luke’s Reactions to a Hijabi MC That Looks Extremely Pious and Quiet but is Actually a Chaotic Mess

Diavolo

As future king of the Devildom that wishes to strengthen the relations between the three realms, prejudice and discrimination against the human exchange students’ choice of religion is a HUGE no-no

Diavolo would not mind the fact that she is wearing a symbol of her devotion to God on her head, but he would be so intrigued by this human at first meeting

Not about her religion, of course, he is well aware of all the religions in the world; Abrahamic religion being the one he is most familiar with (obvi)

What excited him was the fact that this human was so. friggin. hilarious.

He’s not even sure if this human is doing it on purpose because something would happen that would catch her off guard and she would just say?? the most random shit???

Like say, she got jumped by Mammon and her response to that would be a monotone scream and a “sTOP i could’ve dropped my croissant!” but she was actually genuinely startled

He’d be so fascinated like wow! Go girl, give us nothing!!

He would invite her over for tea so many times just so she could explain slang to him

Diavolo: Tell me MC, what is the meaning of DILF?

Due to personal reasons, MC will now be passing away

He would abuse the usage of slang everywhere and he would be so excited to finally understand what Leviathan is talking about

Lucifer: Diavolo, we must talk about the student council budget

Diavolo: That wasn’t very cash money of you

Lucifer: ....excuse me?

Diavolo: Periodt okurrr slay queen

MC has to go hide to avoid being slaughtered like a sacrificial lamb by Lucifer

Diavolo would be also be curious and impressed at the intricate planning of each and every one of her pranks

Like sure, it may be annoying to be the one at the receiving end of it, but understanding the details behind it?? All the logic, physics and patience put into it just to ensure a flawless delivery??? Absolutely stunning

MC has him mesmerised

He would absolutely want to learn the art of pranking from her

Honestly, at this point it’s no longer the human exchange student and the Devil King, it’s now the mentor and the mentee

Lucifer has to demand MC to stop teaching him these things for the sake of his sanity because it’s taking him away from his royal duties that’s keeping the Devildom from falling apart

They still meet up in secret though screw you, Lucifer

Barbatos

This is another demon whom would not mind the fact that their chosen exchange student is a Muslim

Lord Diavolo’s reputation hangs on this exchange program going extremely well, he would not let simple prejudices put a smear on that

He has prepared himself well to receive people from different walks of life just so he can provide all students a comfortable stay during their term in the Devildom

But wait...what is that human doing?

Oh...this poor man

Not only does he have to keep that ginormous labyrinth of a castle spotless and immaculate at all times and ensure that every event being hosted by the castle is going perfectly without a hitch, but he also has to take care of an overgrown man-child that is also known as the future king of the Devildom

Now, he has to make sure this...mess of a human doesn’t go stir up trouble anywhere?

Barbatos is a calm and collected man, but he’s still a demon; virtues aren’t exactly something they practice

He would need to down three cups of melancholy coffee and squeeze a stress ball whenever he catches MC in her antics whether it is alone or with someone in tow

Somehow he’s the only one whom MC would find almost impossible to prank

Like she managed to catch Lucifer off guard once (that was her proudest achievement) but BARBATOS???? yeah, it’s like he has a pair of eyes on the back of his head or something

MC: *tries to sneak up on him*

Barbatos, not even turning back: Enough of that now, MC, come enjoy this tea I’ve made

Pranking Barbatos will become her number one mission during her entire term in the Devildom

Barbatos would be really amused and impressed at the lengths she would go through just to see that shocked look on his face

Why, it might even be—dare he say—endearing

Though MC will cause this man stress and grey hairs, Barbatos couldn’t help but appreciate her company every time she came around

When she’s not up to her daily shenanigans, she would simply opt to help Barbatos out with some of the chores or preparing the treats for a tea party with the student council members and the exchange program, even though he’s mentioned that she should do no such thing

But knowing that this girl is constantly energetic and restless, Barbs agreed to let her help since he would not want to deal with her breaking some priceless antiques or getting herself in trouble with Devildom law again

She helps to remind him that it’s okay to be laidback once in a while and that he doesn’t need to be so uptight all the time

These two have an unusual friendship but it’s only good vibes all around ^^

Before she leaves the Devildom though, he would pretend that she actually managed to startle him with her last grand prank and the look on her face was worth his reputation taking a slight hit

He totally has a soft spot for her

Solomon

OOOOH THESE TWO

THESE TWO ARE THE EMBODIMENT OF CHAOS ITSELF

Solomon and MC would be the best of friends man

The minute this shady sorcerer laid his eyes on her, he KNEW...this would be his new BFF

They would wreak so much havoc together that they give Lucifer a migraine the size of Lord Diavolo’s castle because they’re rUiNiNG tHe iNtEgRiTy oF tHE eXcHanGe pRoGrAm

Psh, as if that’d stop them

Honestly, it was like they each have one braincell that cancels each other out every time they get together

Lucifer: You two better have an explanation for this

MC: We have three actually.

Solomon: Pick your favourite

Lucifer hates it whenever they get together and he would always try to prevent them from meeting up

But his wits are no match for the power of their friendship!!

Solomon would defff try to persuade MC to get more pacts with other demons

Solomon: C’monnnn MC, we could be powerful! :c

MC: Bold of you to assume we’re not powerful now, bestie

So we have established that MC loves to pull pranks right?

She would have so many ideas on the top of her head that she would never use because 1) they either defy the laws of physics or 2) she would need magic to pull it off perfectly

So imagine her excitement when she found out Solomon is the greatest human sorcerer

She would 100% reel him in her plans and schemes and NO ONE (except the angels, they have immunity bc they’re babies :] ) would be safe from them

Despite all the fun they would have though, Solomon definitely treasures her as his greatest friend

I imagine life for Solomon would be quite lonely and he appreciates the constant joy and company that MC would provide him

He would definitely fuck a bitch up if someone dares to mess with his bestie 🙄

These two adore each other so much but they would be caught DEAD before they would admit that to each other 🤭

Simeon

When they first met, Simeon was so happy to find a person so devoted to God such as MC

He takes it upon himself to become MC’s guardian angel around the Devildom

He would helicopter them for a while and would (reluctantly) back off if MC finds it a bit suffocating

(don’t be mean MC, he just cares about u alot that’s all :( )

This man is capital P patient

I mean, that’s a given with him being an angel and all

But seriously,,, one has to be in awe at how calm and collected he is even when MC would pull pranks that would cause a normal person to wanna punch the living daylights out of her

Eventually she would feel bad and stop pulling these pranks on him though, he’s just too sweet and she can’t take advantage of that </3

They would be really close though (along with Luke) because he would frequently invite her to pray the 5 essential prayers together with Luke or read the Qur’an together and it’s just wholesome vibes all around man 🥺

As angels, him and Luke would have such beautiful recitations of the Qur’an and I can picture MC frequently dropping by Purgatory Hall just to listen to him recite the kalimahs with the perfect tajweed (Non-Muslims if you’d like to hear an example, check out Sheikh Mishary reciting Surah al-Kahf, it’s beautiful man 🥺)

He would frequently invite MC and Luke out for walks too and these three would look so domestic together people often mistake them as a little family (much to the brothers’ chagrin and Simeon’s amusement)

Simeon has such a calming presence that he could even tame a chaotic MC down and have her sit still enough, it will be as if she turned into a completely different person

Lucifer, in his demon form: MC STOP RUNNING AROUND YOU’RE GOING TO FALL AND HURT URSELF

MC, violently shaking like a hamster on crack: U CANT STOP ME LUCI, URE NOT THE BOSS OF-

Simeon: Hello, MC! Would you like to come and have a pleasant chat with me? ^^

MC, as if in a trance: ...anything for you, Beyonce

MC is such a simp for Simeon and honestly, who can blame her?

Luke

Luke was extremely happy when the two of them met

This cutie is a proud servant of God and he loves humans who loves Him as much as he does

So it comes as to no one’s surprise when he attaches himself to MC

This would heighten when MC stepped between him, Beel and Lucifer during that,,,,incident

His favourite time of the day is praying in congregation with MC and Simeon and baking with MC

MC would steer clear from involving Luke in her pranks and/or outright pranking him

He’s just a precious little child okay, MC has a soft spot for this angel

She would definitely try to tone down her chaotic energy around him, but she would NOT hesitate to verbal + cyber bully any demons that dare to bully her child

Rando demon: haha shortstack

MC: So you have chosen death

Seriously, Luke would gawk at the obscenities coming from MC’s mouth

He would have to physically drag her away before the demons could devour them both

He would be absolutely SHOOKETH at the language she used because she has been nothing but sweet and polite to him. It was like she switched into a whole different person right in front of his eyes

Luke: MC! I knew living with those horrid demons is a bad idea! They’ve corrupted you now!! *crying Luke noises*

MC: Lil buddy, I was born this way

He would definitely feel really touched that MC is so protective of him though, but he would have to tell her to never say those words again, even if she’s trying to protect him

She would (hesitantly) tell him she would try her best but that would literally only last for half a day because another demon has foolishly decided to mess with him with her present

MC is Luke’s mother point blank period.

#obey me! shall we date?#obey me!#obey me hcs #obey me scenarios #obey me x mc #obey me x muslim!mc #muslim!mc #diavolo obey me #barbatos obey me #solomon obey me #simeon obey me #luke obey me #diavolo x mc obey me #barbatos x mc obey me #solomon x mc obey me #simeon x mc obey me

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lostinthelightss · 4 years

Text

literal chaos fire (ch.1)

amazing banner by @downn-in-flames / down-in-flames@FFT

find it elsewhere: fft | ao3 | ff.net | hpff learn more: chaos universe link to other chapters: 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 link to missing moments: 5.5, 7.5, 8.5, 15.5

pairing: Lily Luna Potter / OC genre: AU, Humor, Romance rating: mature audiences

summary:

Victoire Weasley is a masters student in infectious diseases handling a devastating break up with her girlfriend of two years. Lily Potter is a first year law student navigating a figurative minefield that is the star quarterback’s unrequited affection. Molly Weasley is pursuing her bachelors in engineering while pining over her best friend - who doesn’t seem to realize it.

Three women, three vastly different lives, all coming together with group chats, family dinners, and a whole lot of chaos.

chapter summary:

Mollz: Attachment: 1 Image Mollz: plz see that on april 18th at 7:29pm i did indeed say that law school was going to be hard

lawyerlilz: Attachment: 1 Image lawyerlilz: you're forgetting that 2mins later you said "work hard, play harder"

SEPTEMBER 15TH, 2021

'the dopest house' (foxyroxy, freddieboy, jamesatron, moollywoobbles, rose) 5:27pm

moollywoobbles: @jamesatron, how did you get into my room? moollywoobbles: i s2g, i have a lab tomorrow moollywoobbles: i'm not doing this moollywoobbles: FINE I'LL DO IT moollywoobbles: but i will get my REVENGE!

freddieboy: why don't you ever ice me? freddieboy: i'm starting to feel left out

jamesatron: PAYBACK FOR LAST PARTY jamesatron: YOU LEFT ME IN THE BATHROOM ALONE jamesatron: I WOKE UP IN THE DARK AND THOUGHT I DIED

moollywoobbles: that was @rose, and im offended you mixed us up

rose: he was fully naked and covered in vomit, i thought he'd be better off lying on the linoleum than causing irreparable damage to our carpets

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'literal chaos fire' (lawyerlilz, Mollz, VickyBaby) 8:49pm

lawyerlilz: two weeks in and i'm already drowning in work lawyerlilz: why did you guys let me go to law school?

Mollz: i told you it was gonna be hard Mollz: but did you listen? Mollz: no

VickyBaby: you actively supported her in this

Mollz: Attachment: 1 Image Mollz: plz see that on april 18th at 7:29pm i did indeed say that law school was going to be hard

lawyerlilz: Attachment: 1 Image lawyerlilz: you're forgetting that 2mins later you said "work hard, play harder"

Mollz: and i stand by both statements

VickyBaby: why do i feel like you're currently drinking

Mollz: james managed to hide another ice in my room when i was in class today Mollz: and after that i decided that having one drink was weak Mollz: i'm a few in

lawyerlilz: it's 9pm lawyerlilz: on a wednesday

VickyBaby: weren't you just complaining about your lab tomorrow? VickyBaby: and don't you have like a bajillion classes always?

Mollz: work hard, play harder baby

VickyBaby: never call me baby again

lawyerlilz: IT'S LITERALLY YOUR NICKNAME

Mollz: DON'T WANT ME TO CALL YOU THAT, DON'T NAME YOURSELF THAT

VickyBaby: alright, alright! damn, calm down... VickyBaby: seriously though, don't you have an early morning lab

Mollz: yeah but it's just circuits Mollz: and malfoy said the basics of it all is done Mollz: i just have to do the write up

lawyerlilz: i wish we had partners for contracts lawyerlilz: thinking is hard

VickyBaby: like disease ecology is easy? VickyBaby: we're looking at ebola right now VickyBaby: did you know the r0 is too low in humans for it to spread effectively? VickyBaby: but gorilla populations are absolutely decimated by it

lawyerlilz: how does Teddy stand you?

Mollz: she puts out

VickyBaby: actually... VickyBaby: i think Teddy and i are on a break...

Mollz: WHAT?! Mollz: what does 'i think' mean? Mollz: you've been together for like 2 years Mollz: and why didn't you tell us immediately?!

lawyerlilz: molly, shut up lawyerlilz: a 2y relationship just ended, she's entitled to her alone time

VickyBaby: actually...

Mollz: WHAT NOW?! Mollz: STOP STRESSING ME OUT I HAVE CIRCUITS LAB IN THE MORNING

lawyerlilz: i thought you just had to do the write up lawyerlilz: don't make me text scorpius and tell him that you're drinking the night before class lawyerlilz: again lawyerlilz: his roommate's gonna ask to talk to me lawyerlilz: again lawyerlilz: and i'm going to have to turn him down

lawyerlilz: AGAIN Mollz: AGAIN VickyBaby: AGAIN

VickyBaby: yeah, we know VickyBaby: i don't understand how you don't find that man attractive VickyBaby: starting quarterback AND captain?

lawyerlilz: i think that mollz drinking in the middle of the week is a bigger issue than my love life lawyerlilz: especially considering it's only her first week

Mollz: i'm taking ordinary differential equations Mollz: why wouldn't i start drinking Mollz: and the big issue here is Vic's love life, not how much fun i have

VickyBaby: ... Teddy and I are taking a break VickyBaby: because she's going to America on exchange VickyBaby: she's leaving in a week

Mollz: i'll key her car Mollz: i'll get xander to hack into the school's system and fail her Mollz: i'll ruin HER ENTIRE LIFE

VickyBaby: plz don't do that

lawyerlilz: who's keeping snuggles?

VickyBaby: the cats staying with me VickyBaby: if she'd fought me on that i would've let molly's wrath free

Mollz: i'll still do it

lawyerlilz: as your cousin, i'd help lawyerlilz: as your soon-to-be-lawyer, plz don't

Mollz: james says he's in Mollz: also james is already on his way to her place Mollz: and i might be with him

VickyBaby: MOLLY, DON'T YOU DARE

lawyerlilz: i'll tell Scorp lawyerlilz: don't think i won't

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(Lily Potter, Scorpius Malfoy) 9:26pm

Lily: molly's drunk Lily: and probably doing illegal things Lily: just thought you should know

Scorpius: lilz! it's me! Scorpius: james and i were a little too tipsy so malfoy's driving the car Scorpius: :)))

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'literal chaos fire' (lawyerlilz, Mollz, VickyBaby) 9:32pm

lawyerlilz: VickyBaby she's recruited Scorp lawyerlilz: this isn't gonna end well

VickyBaby: don't worry, Teddy moved home like 2 weeks ago

lawyerlilz: so they're going to be doing illegal things lawyerlilz: AT A STRANGER'S HOUSE?!

VickyBaby: oh shit

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'old fogies' (Fred [the smart dumb one], James [the older twin], Lily [ur 15mins older], Molly [the dumb smart one], Rose [the granger], Vic [the science beb]) 9:35pm

Vic [the science beb]: @Rose [the granger] @Fred [the smart dumb one] Vic [the science beb]: WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP THEM?

Rose [the granger]: they promised to do all the house chores until Christmas

Lily [ur 15mins older]: SO YOU GAVE THEM THE KEYS?! Lily [ur 15mins older]: THEY'RE DRUNK!

Rose [the granger]: Scorpius was 100% sober and i specifically asked them not to tell me what they needed the car for

Lily [ur 15mins older]: THEY'RE GOING TO TEDDY'S HOUSE

Rose [the granger]: i don't see the issue here

Vic [the science beb]: Teddy broke up with me to go on exchange Vic [the science beb]: also she doesn't live there anymore Vic [the science beb]: and they don't know that

Rose [the granger]: OH NO

Lily [ur 15mins older]: OH NO IS RIGHT Lily [ur 15mins older]: also, where's @Fred [the smart dumb one]

Rose [the granger]: HE'S WITH THEM

Rose [the granger]: FUCK Lily [ur 15mins older]: FUCK Vic [the blonde beb]: FUCK

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'the dopest house' (foxyroxy, freddieboy, jamesatron, moollywoobbles, rose) 9:54pm

rose: GUYS STOP rose: THAT'S THE WRONG HOUSE rose: TEDDY DOESN'T LIVE THERE ANYMORE

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(RosieBear, ScorpiStud) 9:55pm

RosieBear: i will kill you RosieBear: you cannot be serious RosieBear: babe, i will actually murder you

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(Lily Potter, Scorpius Weasley) 9:55pm

Lily: SCORP STOP Lily: IT'S NOT TEDDY'S HOUSE

10:02pm

Lily: SCORPIUS MALFOY I WILL END YOU

10:08pm

Lily: I'M NOT AN ACTUAL LAWYER YET I CAN'T DEFEND YOU

10:17pm

Lily: SCORPIUS!

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'the dopest house' (foxyroxy, freddieboy, jamesatron, moollywoobbles, rose) 10:23pm

freddieboy: hey @rose freddieboy: so bad news is freddieboy: we may have gotten caught freddieboy: the good news is freddieboy: campus cops' golf carts are terribly slow

rose: WHAT?!

freddieboy: we'll be home in 5 freddieboy: plz open the garage freddieboy: we don't know if they saw the license plate

rose: i am not going to be an accomplice

moollywoobbles: scorp wants to remind you that it looks bad on politicians if they're married to a criminal

freddieboy: and he said that he'll finally start watching Grey's with you

rose: it's open rose: and i hate you all

freddieboy: love you toooooooo

jamesatron: <3

foxyroxy: hey guys, remember when you promised you would pick me up after my night class? foxyroxy: think you could still swing by? foxyroxy: you won't even have to stop, just open the door and i'll jump in

jamesatron: FAST AND FURIOUS BABEYYY

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finsaraan · 6 years

Text

i just want you to know - this is the abridged version. i wrote something longer. and it was really prosey fancy and vaguely like an actual ficlet, but i felt like, there isn’t a chance in hell of anybody finishing this unless i file off at least a few paragraphs and fill it with the amusing use of casual language and luis-from-ant-man-style retellings to juxtaposition the setting and theme of the story being told

anyway @kohledtouch @championofstendarr @laelaloola (especially u u agreed to this and u didn’t even kno, this is a lesson in looking before u leap) y’all enabled this, gotta face the consequences of ur actions hit me up w/ how many paragraphs u got in before ur soul left ur body and idk what i’ll owe u but i’ll owe u something LMAO

Well he’s Titus Mede II’s son and his name is Alexandros and his mum is Olympias the emperor’s second wife and she married him when she was 17 bc her family wanted the power and she’s a descendant of a usurped Septim emperor from way yonder through the mists of time. So she has this baby boy, hooray, he’s adorable with his wavy blond hair and his odd eyes, one’s blue one’s green, and he spends his childhood frolicking barefoot through the White Gold Tower’s private gardens which it would realistically have as the home of the royal family, and chilling with the soldiers in the barracks, and the grooms in the stables, learning filthy language and all about war. His parents don’t get on because his mum doesn’t take shit lying down and doesn’t and never did love her husband, so if he’s remotely rude to her, which he can be because he’s just like that but also stressed all the time, she snaps right back and then he snaps back because he’s a proud man and not good at apologising and then it spirals out of control.

One day in particular when Alexandros is four, it’s soon after the death of his older sister, who was the crown princess and very capable and absolutely doted on by the emperor who’s distraught about it still, he goes to his mum’s room late at night only for the emperor to come in soon after absolutely sloshed, immediately getting his kit off, and Olympias, hoping to make him go away and also shield her baby’s eyes, hides Alexandros and says ‘no we can’t do the do it’s that time of the month’ but he’s like ‘you said that a week ago you HAG’ but now that she has her baby she’s feeling very protective so she snaps right back more viciously than usual so they start a proper shouting match until Alexandros bursts out screaming SHE HATES YOU GO AWAY GO AWAY, only to be grabbed by a stunned and horrified and slightly embarrassed (bc hes naked) emperor and tossed quite violently from the room. He’s caught by the guard on duty who takes good care of him while he screams because honestly that was a pretty traumatic experience. Once he’s put to bed and then up the next morning he doesn’t remember it, but it does scar him psychologically. The marriage goes downhill quite badly from there, it was their worst argument yet, there were a lot of insults, Titus feels very attacked by his now-crown-prince son’s apparent hatred of him, Olympias is livid that he handled her baby so roughly - it all makes everyone bitter.

Now when Alexandros is seven his education has yet to start and he’s a bit too cosy with the common soldiery that man the Tower, as someone puts it ‘he speaks as if he was conceived against a barrack wall’. Also, he hasn’t had a lot of interaction with his father, who doesn’t have time for children really and is still kinda put off by That Incident and by the very guarded way his son looks at him when the boy’s brought up for inspection days that let Titus see how he’s doing. So Titus thinks, to get him away from his mother’s influence, because she’s probably turning the boy against him (tbf she is), he’ll send him off to Cloud Ruler Temple to be mentored by this Penitus Oculatus commander called Leonidas. Leonidas thinks Alexandros is a spoilt brat. He has the child doing a soldier’s training from dawn until dusk, feeds him two spare meals a day, gives him shitty blankets and makes him sleep outside if he’s been disobedient (and if it’s not gonna kill him), and while this does mean that Alexandros is really good at taking hardship when he’s older - his soldiers will love him because he’s known for refusing to take food, water, or shelter if there isn’t enough for every single man - it’s also frankly irresponsible on Leonidas’s part, because he chronically underfeeds a growing boy, and Alexandros ends up significantly shorter than average for the rest of his life.

Now he’s twelve and his training with Leonidas is done, so he’s back home. He sings at a court banquet and a grumpy Titus Mede - who thinks he sounds a lot like his mother when he sings and is REALLY put off by it - humiliates him in front of everyone by telling him it’s a stupid waste of time for a prince to learn an instrument. Alexandros runs away and blackmails a soldier he knows, who's travelling home to sort a blood feud, into taking Alexandros with him. There’s a battle between two tiny villages and Alexandros makes his first kill, takes the head home, and feels a lot better knowing he is officially A Man at twelve when his dad didn’t have HIS first kill until he was sixteen. Now Alexandros gets his own retinue, a bunch of generals’ sons around his age, and he meets HEPHAESTION. Hephaestion is a babe, they hit it off immediately, and it’s barely any time at all before they’re completely inseparable. They’re soulmates. The same day that they meet, Alexandros makes another lifelong friend - the stallion Bucephalus, who nearly tramples some people in a panic at a horse fair, but Alexandros realises it's been mistreated and gentles it until it lets him ride it, ooh ahh very dramatic and you bet your ass Hephaestion is swooning in the background.

Fifteen years old, Alexandros is sent off with his friends to study some real important shit like philosophy and morality with a former Psijic monk (who isn’t actually former he says that but actually he’s an active Psijic - they sent him to try and influence Alex to take a good and wholesome path) called Aristotle. Alexandros never gets the hang of magic but he likes medicine and learning about nature and discussing abstract topics. Supposedly, doing this all in some chateau out in buttfuck nowhere is so he doesn’t get distracted but once again, Titus wants to separate Alexandros and his mother. The only time Alexandros leaves is to be summoned to various battles or sieges around the provinces for experience and because he and his father get on quite well when they’re out on campaign, they think the same tactically and Alex does admire his father really, he just feels guilty because his mother’s a woman with drama and flare running through her blood (descended from Tiber Septim rememeber), and lets him know when she feels betrayed. It’s a very emotionally scarring situation, because he can’t please one parent without angering the other. But on campaign it’s ok. He flourishes, he’s clearly got the knack, and the soldiers really love him ‘cause he comes into the healers’ tents to talk to the wounded men and tell them how brave they were. He’s got an incredible memory for names and faces, he never forgets anyone he’s met, and it’s a big thing when you’re just some lowly soldier and the crown prince remembers you and says he saw you, first up the wall in that siege, terrific job mate. He really craves the adoration of his people, it’s so much simpler than the mess his family is in. Be nice, make an effort, the lads love you. No nonsense there.

Sixteen now, he’s left as regent (of the entire empire!) when the emperor goes off on a longer campaign, but has to embark on his own one when there’s an issue with a big load of Forsworn. He does insanely well. He’s sixteen. Sixteen! Half of the enemies he comes across can’t even take him seriously, until he slaughters them. You stop laughing pretty fast when Alexandros’s legion comes at you. More than that, he gets there from the Imperial City faster than the soldiers sent from actual Skyrim, and they show up half way through like ‘whu?’ but Alexandros ropes them in no-nonsense and as they incredulously ask the Imperial soldiers ‘how old is this guy?’ they’re just given a knowing look and told ‘wait ‘till you see him in action, then you’ll know’.

At seventeen (he’s up to a lot now) his mum is pestering him to start churning out bastards because he’s unusually celibate for his age and status. She’s feeling very insecure because she’s engaged in some political fights and frankly the only reason she’s alive is because she’s wife of the emperor and mother of the crown prince; if she looses that status, she’s a goner, and at the moment the only reason she’s still married to Titus is because if he divorces her he weakens Alexandros’s claim to the throne and that could be chaos if Titus were to unexpectedly perish. So a potential heir from Alexandros would strengthen her position, and also give her another baby, which she wants because she’s feeling very excluded from Alexandros’s life. Rather than inevitably fail to walk the tightrope between his parents, he’s taken to only speaking to them when summoned, and confiding in Hephaestion for everything instead. After Alexandros dodges a series of prostitutes sent by his mother to get him producing and maybe separate him from Hephaestion a little, he pretends he slept with one to get his mother off his back, and ends up, in the aftermath, getting jiggy with Hephaestion for the first time instead. They’re as madly in love as ever. All their friends can tell It’s Happened, and some bets are finally won.

Now shit goes terribly wrong, and it’s about to get convoluted - the emperor takes a fancy to the daughter of one of his generals, Attalos. If she becomes his mistress, and has his children, and Titus really takes a shine to her, her noble birth makes her a really strong candidate for marriage, PLUS, Attalos is rumoured to be a Thalmor informant. That would put Olympias and Alexandros in the doghouse and in serious danger, but take a big weight off Titus’s shoulders, because he no longer has a mortal enemy in his house and a son influenced by said mortal enemy. Alexandros just tries not to rock the boat. On the return from a state visit, father and son and entourage are hosted by Attalos at his villa on the road. Attalos gets drunk and alludes to the potential union, suggesting any children from it are better than a child of Olympias, and then he insults Olympias a lot, thinking he’s being subtle, but he’s not, because he’s completely smashed. Alex is pissed. When he calls Attalos the fuck out, Titus gets pissed at him and tells him to check himself. Alex calls out him next, telling him to stand up for his own heir, unless he’s a desperate old man who’ll lick Attalos’s feet he’s that thirsty for the man’s daughter, who is frankly much too young for his old ass - also, they all know the rumours, Attalos is a filthy Thalmor informant, so he’s probably trying to suck up to them as well.

(The retelling of this gets him a lot of points amongst Thalmor-haters and if you hear it retold in certain places the string of inventive insults that prefix ‘Thalmor’ is about as long as the entire rest of the story.)

Titus is pissed, as you would be, to the point of drawing his sword, maybe a bit extreme, but he trips and falls on his face. Alexandros utters the immortal line ‘look, men, who the people thought would cross the tyrants for them - and he falls crossing from couch to couch’. Alexandros then has to book it, taking Olympias to her relatives in High Rock, then disappearing himself into the Druadach Mountains. He pisses Titus off for a bit by making it seems like he might be gathering allies in the mountains to go to war, but eventually messengers get sent back and forth and after a lot of debate, a peace is agreed to, and Alex and Olympias are welcomed back to the Imperial City. Things are still hella tense. Hoping to fix this, Titus sends Alexandros into Skyrim to deal with this civil war business that’s popped up, planning on following along later because his health is real fucked up just then. He’s been in a lot of battles, he’s like swiss cheese at this point.

Now at this point if I’m feeling indulgent, this is the point at which Alexandros turns out to be the Last Dragonborn and has to deal with all that shit. Otherwise, he just shows up and does his Alexandros thing, which is kicking ass and actually trying really hard to come to a peace agreement. The emperor wants to crush the Stormcloak rebellion entirely, but if Alexandros were to get his way - you know, like if he were to suddenly and unexpectedly become emperor himself - his offered treaty to Ulfric would be a formal apology for the failure of his father to honour his title as protector of the realm and chosen of the Divines; an offer of total religious autonomy, total autonomy in the deciding of any High King or Queen; and a getout clause that lets Skyrim legally secede from the empire if the jarls together decide that the current emperor/empress is failing in his or her duty to protect the rights and well-being of the citizens of Skyrim, failing to honour the gods that put them on their throne, offending egregiously the cultural beliefs of the people of Skyrim, or proving themself unworthy of the respect and power of the Ruby Throne.

Alexandros is real fucking confident. And he enjoys the enormous ‘fuck you’ he’s sending to any future rulers that don’t live up to these standards, because even if the treaty focuses on Skyrim, is they were to pull that getout clause and secede, everyone would follow whether it applies to them or not.

Back in Cyrodiil, while Alexandros is either being Dragonborn or not, the emperor is making plans to divorce Olympias and marry Attalos’s daughter but with legislation that secures Alexandros’s position as heir, hoping it’ll placate him even though his mother’s just been slapped in the face essentially. And on top of that, there’s a member of the Elder Council called Pausanias Orestes - he and the emperor were bang-mates, once upon a time, but Pausanias got dumped for a younger, hotter bloke. Pissed, Pausanias calls the guy a lil’ bitch, and the guy goes and gets himself killed being extra in battle to prove that he’s not. His kin, upset, have their revenge on Pausanias in a very dark and disturbing way because they don’t want to kill him because he’s still on fairly good terms with the emperor. Pausanias entreats the emperor to get him justice. Titus makes Pausanias head of his bodyguard, which is a very big favour, but doesn’t punish them that abused Pausanias. Eventually, Pausanias becomes a member of the Elder Council. Now here’s the thing; who’s the man that did that to Pausanias? It’s general Attalos, father of the girl emperor Titus Mede wants to marry, the man that’s about to achieve a real big power boost just by getting his daughter to bang the emperor. Oh dear. And guess who was with the entourage that stayed at Attalos’s villa the night of the bust up that Alexandros ended up having to flee; who had to stay in the house of the man that had wronged him and never been punished for it? Pausanias. Alexandros noticed this incredible cruelty at the time and apologised to Pausanias for it. Pausanias likes Alexandros for that reason. So when someone comes to Pausanias and says; we want to assassinate the emperor, and Alexandros is in on it, will you go to Skyirm and hire the Dark Brotherhood? Pausanias says yes. The thing is, Alexandros isn’t in on it; he’s far too pious to ever consider killing his own father. But there are those that thing the Medes are getting a little out of hand and if they all happened to die then that would be very handy for certain point-eared control-freaks who have a violent need to be absolute cunts and are the Tamrielic equivalent of that person who comes into your inbox and nitpicks your TES lore knowledge in a very condescending way, especially over things that are honestly subjective.

#( ;; ooc )#( ;; mun speaks )#What Have I Done #honestly? if anyone's device doesn't do the readmore and makes them see the whole post on the dashboard #TELL ME #i'll fuckin get rid of it #u dont deserve that #long post for ts #in case #also like that shit abt pausanias 100% tru alex the greats dad got shanked by his former bf #what a way to go

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butsomeofusarelookingatthestars · 7 years

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Hii could u pls do something where ur pregnant and ur a doctor and u see a little kids Dad die and u get really sad cus u don’t want ur kid to have to go through that because Luke has a dangerous job and he tries to console u but ur just really scared of losing him?? I feel like Luke himself would have those thoughts 😭

Losing You

Fandom: Criminal MindsPairing: Luke Alvez x ReaderPrompt: Request

Description: A distressing case at the hospital causes you to think about your own situation.

I adored writing this one! I actually think it may be one of my favourites. I think you’re dead on with feeling that Luke would have worries about it. Also, if anyone wants to see any more of angsty dad!Luke there’s plenty coming up in IYF!

Your hand trembled slightly as you rested it on your growing bump, tears building up in your eyes and threatening to overspill as the horror of the day finally sunk it.

As a doctor, you were used to difficult days at work and you had experienced countless tragedies. It never got easier to lose a patient, but you had learnt how to compartmentalise your emotions and how to cope with the loss.

You had to be the best doctor you could be and a part of that was ensuring that you persevered through the tragedies in order to make a difference to others.

However, nothing could have prepared for you for the scene you had witnessed today. The case affected you in a way no other had ever. The man who had slipped away had been a husband…a father. It was that thought that haunted you.

You had been frozen in shock at the hospital as his widow broke down in front of you, the sound of children crying seemed to echo through your head as she desperately tried to soothe them. But, losing their father was something that would change them forever.

Their family was broken.

A gentle flutter in your stomach made you caress your stomach, a stray tear slowly tracking down your face as you glanced down at your baby bump. You knew exactly why the case today had gotten to you so much. Why you couldn’t let it go.

It could easily be you in that situation one day, crying over losing the love of your life and the father of your child.

As if sensing your distress, Roxy trotted over to nuzzle your hand affectionately – quickly leaping up onto the sofa in order to snuggle up beside you. Your intuitive dog seemed to know that you needed comforting, hoping that her warmth could reassure you and ease your apparent anguish.

Ever since the start of your pregnancy, she had become increasingly protective of you – often following you around the apartment just to keep a close eye on you.

Luke had been thrilled at her protectiveness, insisting that she was already the ‘best big sister’ your baby could ask for. He had often spoken about Roxy’s ability to help others. After all, she had supported him through some of his worst moments in the regiment and the trauma that followed.

But, you had never realised that she had grown to love you so much until she began to sleep at the foot of your bed – acting as a furry footwarmer while Luke was away as if sensing that you and the baby needed a little extra comforting in his absence.

You knew how much it reassured Luke to know that you had her around when he was working a case. However, it seemed as if he were completely oblivious to the dangers he himself faced.

You had always known Luke was the type of person who loved the adrenaline rush that came with demanding jobs. A former ranger wasn’t expected to sit comfortably behind a desk and you immensely respected his determination to help make a difference to others.

But, that didn’t mean that you didn’t worry.

In the past, it had always been at the back of your mind that you might one day receive the phone call to tell you things had gone wrong in the field. But, ever since you had found out you were expecting, old concerns came flooding back with overwhelming force.

Sometimes it felt as if the fear was consuming you. Whether it was waking up with a scream on your lips as you suffered from all-to-vivid nightmares or bugging Luke to send you a goodnight text every night he was away – the news had changed your life.

Before, you had always worried about losing the love of your life. But, now losing the father of your child made the thought truly unbearable. Being left alone was your greatest fear and it was one that constant lurked in your mind, striking out at your most vulnerable moments.

It was a dangerous job and there was nothing that could change that. You had no control over whether or not Luke would return home or not…and that petrified you.

He just couldn’t understand why every time he was late home, you looked so relieved. Nor could he grasp why you got so nervous when he fell asleep before responding to your texts.

He didn’t understand the question that constantly loomed in your mind. What if?

The sound of the door opening caused you to glance up, relief filling your eyes as they landed on Luke. You quickly turned your head away from him, wiping at your face in order to desperately try to hide the evidence of your tears.

He bent down to press a tender kiss on top of your head, dropping his go-bag to the floor as he approached the front of the sofa.

It had always been the first thing he did once he got home, giving you a kiss.He outstretched a hand to fondly scratch Roxy behind her ears, grinning as she licked his hand appreciatively. He always loved returning home to his two favourite girls.

“How are you?” He murmured softly, turning his attention back to you.

A slight frown played on his lips as he took in your glistening cheeks and pained eyes, noting how withdrawn you seemed. His eyes softened, their warm brown depths filling with concern, as they landed on the hand on your stomach.

“Is everything okay?” He asked quietly, his voice strained with worry. Fear stirred in his stomach as he wondered if something was wrong with the baby. He had never seen you like this before.

“I- I-” You choked on your words as your body began to shake, tears flooding silently down your face.

Luke immediately wrapped his arms around you, pulling you into a warm embrace as you sobbed into his chest. He shushed you softly as he tucked your head under his chin, one hand tracing soothing patterns on your back as the other drifted to stroke your hair.

“I’m here.”

Those were the only words he murmured as he held you protectively against his chest, trying to assure you that you weren’t alone.

Eventually, your cries subsided – leaving you clutching at his tear-stained shirt in attempt to remain close to his warmth. His heartbeat provided reassurance as you tried to reason with yourself that he wasn’t going anywhere.

“I lost a patient.”

Your whisper was almost inaudible, stifled by his shirt. Your voice filled with sadness as the tears continued to stream down your face.

“I’m sorry.”

Luke knew how hard it was for you to lose a patient. Your compassion was one of the things he loved most about you and it helped to make you an outstanding doctor. But, it also made the losses a lot harder on you. He also knew how you felt – all-too-familiar with the gut wrenching feeling of not being able to help someone in need.

The burden was too much.

“He was a father.”

Your strangled voice told him everything. He immediately knew why you were so upset. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t worried about the exact same thing, obsessing over it ever since you had announced you were pregnant. The thought of leaving his family behind was one that had caused him many sleepless nights.

“He left his family alone.”

He moved up to sit beside you, sandwiching you between his warmth and Roxy’s, before pulling you against his chest protectively. His hands drifted down to gently caress your stomach, humming softly like he had been doing for the past few months. He wanted your baby to know his voice.

“Nothing’s going to happen to me…or to us.” He told you firmly, pressing a tender kiss to your temple.

“You don’t know that.” You whispered quietly, you almost didn’t want to share your fears with him because you knew it hadn’t been easy on him recently.

Balancing the chaos of the BAU with the responsibilities of being an expectant parent could leave him feeling slightly drained – both physically and emotionally. You didn’t want to add to his stress, but you couldn’t keep your feelings a secret from him anymore.

Your words had been the ones Luke had been dreading because he knew they were the truth. The unpredictability of being a SSA and the very real dangers he faced on a daily basis were things he had feared himself. He wanted to be there to see his child grow up and a career in the FBI could cost him that dream.

The loss of Stephen had hit him hard. Having to hold Monica in his arms as the incredibly strong woman broke down with grief had been a moment that had haunted him ever since. The sight of his distraught son and daughter at his funeral had given him nightmares.

What if it were you standing there one day, dressed in black and comforting your child as you wept over his coffin?

It was the reality of the possibility that truly terrified him and no amount of promises would lessen the threat.

“What if I lose you?”

He shook his head determinedly at your words. No matter how valid both your fears were, right now you had to live in present and not worry about the future. One thing he was certain of was that your love was something that could never be broken.

He gently laced his fingers through yours as he moved your intertwined hands to your stomach, tenderly caressing the ever-growing bump. You felt a familiar fluttering as your baby moved against your hands. It was almost as if he or she knew that you both needed the comfort.

Luke smiled softly, pressing a tender kiss on your temple as he felt your baby kick against his hand. This was his family and there was one promise he could always keep.

“You’ll never lose me. I promise.”

#criminal minds #luke alvez #criminal minds imagine #luke alvez x reader #luke alvez imagine #requests #i just love this one for some reason

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lesbianstarlightglimmer · 6 years

Text

hey hi guess who wants to die?

my asshole of a father is wearing me thin. i came home at dinner and we always talk about how school went that day and i had my day interrupted countless times by either 1.) my mom getting upset my youngest brother for messing w the cat at the dinner table 2.) my dad yelling at him for same reason 3.) one or both of my brothers ‘jokingly’ complaining about how long me talking about my day is and so on. my youngest brother decided the entire meal he was just gonna ignore what he was told to do and thus got his phone taken away.

all the yelling and fighting made my other brother stressed so he took a drive through the neighborhood. before we got ready for bed my dad asked him why he was feeling stressed and he said the fighting was stressing him and i chipped in (because it happens every fucking time im home) saying it stressed me out too and how its chaos every time i come home.

my dad informed all three of us we had no reason to be stressed bc we’re not parents and how its ‘optional’ i come home on weekends bc i COULD be forced to pay rent AND THEN he said that the ‘so called chaos you feel when you get home is caused by you’

fuck. you. you worthless abusive piece of shit. ive wanted to die like 7 times this week alone and fridays not even over and this bullshit aint helping. im not the one shrieking at the youngest brother every other second bc hes doing whatever bc he never went through the bullshit i did that made me the timid soldier fucked up ass i am today

you know what? i dont come home for my fucked up family. i come home to get away from school, eat food thats different from the same 5 fucking things they have to eat there that doesnt make me sick, and to see my cats. i cant spend more than maybe 30 mins before i wall myself up in my room until i leave because they stress me out so badly

AND THEN THIS ABSOLUTE BASTARD had the nerve to say how i never thank my mom for doing laundry/cooking/cleaning/etc. OH HO DO NOT GO THERE! whos the one complaining about how the foods not the right temperature or that its not what he wanted to eat or wasnt at the time he wanted? whos the one who gets mad when she gets home from work bc something didnt get done that HE could have done?

Now whos the one who went 18 years of her entire life not complaining about how much the taste and texture of sausage makes her gag because she was being grateful her mom cooks? You wonder why i only tell my day to mom? its bc u dont give a fuck. i can hear it in the disinterest or how it becomes a life lesson. i say thank you like 4 times throughout a meal and every load she brings in (oh and btw most of the time im doing my own laundry and i would do it at school except i dont have the soap and stuff) i say thank you. they beat it enough into me and yet im still punished because NOTHING i do is enough for them. but yes I’m the selfish prick

and then they had to bring in how im always alone (wow idk my 2 friends from hs were dead ps im not counting skye bc they dont know about her/tumblr for my safety and hers and my hs friends’) and he used the fucking b*st fr**nd bullshit fuck you fuck you fuck you. and then the ‘i want you to get married and have kids’ FUCK YOU!!!!! you wont want me to if i decide to marry a woman!!!!! i dont wanna have kids bc ill fuck them up like YOU DID ME AND MY BROTHERS.

and then he guilt tripped us by saying how ‘we work our jobs bc we’re paying for what? (directed at me).’ “college” i hiss. “dont you spit it through your clenched jaw” Youre fucking lucky you were on the other side of the room motherfucker ooooooooohmygod. Ohoho and when he ‘opened the floor’ once he was done telling us how shitty we are and how hardworking him and my mom are, he asked if i had anything to say. i wanted to spill all of the above but i cant. i dont have a job bc i can barely get out of bed in the morning for school let alone more of a job than i have now

you know at one point i was grateful for them helping pay for college. now its just a burden bc they hang it over my head whenever i show the slightest (and fair) complaint i have like how i come home and everyone just complains about me, makes me do their jobs for them, the youngest hits me (but oh no thats how boys show love right ‘hE sItS iN uR rOoM wHeN yOuRe GoNe’) or otherwise physically or verbally/mentally abuses me.

i need therapy. i have no time no money and my parents obviously dont give a shit about my mental health period. he even had the audacity to ask if it was ‘something they did’ parenting wise. uh you want the list in fucking alphabetical order or by year or...?

anyways this is long and its passed midnight and they placed a baby monitor outside my door to hear one brother for night terrors so ik they can maybe hear me typing so yeah

#don////t re///blog//////#im not actually gonna do anything dont worry too much #im not exaggerating when i say that when fireball and cinder are gone im not coming back #if i could bring them w me id definitly never come bavk #i literally was about to vomit on the carpet bc he was making me sob and god i wanted to punch ihm in his weasel face #im still crying an hour later lmao #im high key tempted to get some tide or something and keep it up at school and not come back next weekend #i dont have to take this lmao #luckily he has work all this weekend bc i cant stand to look at him rn #growls

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whybaddecisions · 4 years

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To the one that got away:

It was winter when she first came to picture, I was just an ordinary guy that worked abroad didn't know what to do no goal, ambition, or even dreams if I can consider it, Was making money but I can't feel satisfaction while doing it soulless and partially lifeless in the process, before I came home I was in a long distance relationship with someone from France and everything worked out just fine but eventually we lacked personal intimacy, to the point that were not even trying to communicate with each other just went with our days without even saying "Hi" or "Good morning" to be honest I thought that she would be the one for me and I'll be the one for her, I was greatly mistaken to have thought that, because if u truly wish someone to be with you till your last breath it must have the right amount of perseverance, the strive to push forward and not to quit and fight! One day we came to an agreement that the thing we have isn't working out anymore, so we broke up decided to be friends, just like that in a snap of a finger she was gone and so am I.

I know that it's rough on both of us but on the other hand it felt that the chemistry wasn't there anymore so it's better to leave that be.

After a month I decided to focus more on my career first since I'm waiting for my agency to call and kick me out of the country again but with a new job on a cruise ship around Us and Europe, while waiting i knew that my brother knows a lot of people here in the Philippines that has a company related to my forte so I asked him

"Man do you know anyone in the industry looking for a waiter?"

He told me that there was one here in Batangas and she was a good friend of his.

"yeah I know a place just a 5 min drive from here"

So I was excited cuz I'm going to work my ass off and forget what has happened.

So there it was "TRICIA'S" name of the workplace my brother told me about, and on December 17, 2019 I started there as a waiter, it was an open house bar kinda rowdy but in a good way but damn do these kids party hard! My shift was from 4pm to 4am and it was messy as hell always but I had fun in the process.

Then that faithful day came to place, all the stars were aligned and the soothing falling of leaves was upon me, I didn't expect any less from that day than any day cause for me it was just goin to turn out as an ordinary day, but then u came and I saw you with my best friend. 🙏 well I couldn't care less at first if u talk to me or not, but the first time you shut me down is when you were passing by my side I thought that u are going to get a menu off the bar, and I was psyched and told myself "now's my chance to like give her the menu and make small talk" Then u said "No" off the bat cuz u were just going to grab that box of tissue, boo me assumer! Then I remembered u were with my best friend so time to show off I think? Like provide them with the best service possible, bring the drinks on time, food must be hot, bucket of ice must be full all the time, no delay in anything like to the fullest service a server can give them, after all was served I was shocked that u said Hi and Hi again and again complimented my cologne called me by my nickname which wasn't really needed, I was shy just making a grin of my mouth just to show her I'm not bothered, but I'm to the fullest extent cause I already asked for ur name, checked u out on Facebook through my best friend that's why I was shy.

The u guys left. And I asked my bff

"should I add her on FB? What ya think?"

She replied with so much enthusiasm

"Gooooo! Add her, she wants to be friends with you also"

And boom it hit me like the biggest meteorite just punched through earth, I was so overwhelmed and cannot wipe the smile of my face that morning.

I'm not normal I can say that proudly in a good way of course, but if someone overwhelmed already with the thought of his/her crush wanting for them to be friends and then out of nothing she says that do you want me to bring you coffee, that would be the most awesome thing that would happen to you, you'd probably be smiling for the whole day like legitimately smiling at everyone with the upmost feeling. For me coffee is sometimes is more important than people but for what she did LFU!!! And she brought me my coffee that morning and she insisted on bringing it , on that day she already got me.

Time passed and things were going accordingly, perfectly some bumps along the way, but we were happy and contended to what we had and a few dates, I remember on the night before Christmas I was supposed to give u your present and you stood me up because of a party your family held and I understood that situation of yours, kinda sulk tho that we didn't get to meet but one of my favorite memory is when you asked me out on a date and it was Christmas, you got to meet my parents also sorry if your hills was soaked in water cuz it was pouring heavily that day. We ate at "Romantic Baboy" a Korean restaurant with unlimited pork skin, chicken strips and cheese on the sides, and you know what's my favorite part of that particular day? Is when I took a picture of you smelling a rose and thought to myself that I don't want this to end may the universe hinder us from us but I'll fight with my last breath to preserve what we have and what else will happen. Then I fucked up.

Scribbled words, nauseated, anxious, crippled, out of way, bothered, stressed,fretful,fretting, disturbed, agitated, irritated, apprehensive, to the point that I don't even want to look at myself in the mirror so disgusted to what I did, execute me if the universe wants to, the feeling of overly doubting my self worth was inevitable, brought to me by my own decisions that messed me up entirely.

Wondering what happened haunts me in the most gruesome way possible. So here it goes, I lied to her big-time which I didn't know that it was possible since I did it already not multiple times but only ONE THAT GOT ME REAL FUCKED! Is when I received a message from my longtime best friend from way back as kids, 20 years to be exact . On the message she told me

"when are you going to show urself I haven't seen u in forever"

Then I was shocked cause normally she wouldn't Pm (Private Message) like that in the past, then I told her.

"one of these days when I'm not busy cause of work"

Then she asked about my love life and u were the first in my mind so I told her about you.

"there's this girl that I'm seeing, my other best friend introduced me to her and she already met my parents last Christmas then we ate outside and we had a great time"

That's what I said then I also told her to help me find a perfect present for you.

Then on December 27, 2019 I told you that I'll be visiting a long time friend with a kid and I didn't tell you if it was a girl or a boy cause I don't want you to get angry at me but then again I should've told you that in the first place. When I was there at her house since we were long time friends we had a great time also with the kid in the picture, happy and overwhelmed at the same time, then her mother came down gave me a hug and greeted me welcome home or back to the phil, cause she hasn't seen me for over 4 years I think. After the the greetings my best friend told her mom that I'm seeing someone which is you. Well I didn't expect that she would be sly about it and drop your name so casually, so I just came right through it and said yes I'm dating this girl and she's wonderful, but her mom told me that r u taking things way to fastly you just got out of a relationship, I told them that also I was off with someone before I met you. So after they told me not to deepen anything with anyone yet, assuring that I would not get hurt cause for them I'm family also, cause her dad was the godfather of my brother that's why our families was close still to this point they are.

Then the next day came I went again to her house because I was having fun playing with her son and missed talking to her a lot, because in the longest time I had a crush on her and knowing me I couldn't seal the deal from before, but this time I thought to myself maybe this is it when she'll notice the man i have become, and you passed my memory, in me saying that I'm dating this girl and why should I break her heart? Did u deserve to be treated that way Nooooo! In fuckin million years no! But I did anyways. Without even consenting my best friend, myself and most importantly God. I messed up 😭

So then it happened the happiest'sh and the worst'sh decision in my existence trampling over someone that didn't deserve any hardships cause you were the most beautiful soul ever seen. Yeah I misunderstood the fact that she'll replace you over and over again because of the thing we had in the past like 20 years of friendship over something that just happened recently was a very wrong thought to even deliver in a person's mouth crippling fear came over me I didn't know what to do my life was in chaos lost in the path, I part take wishing it all away silently murmuring to myself that if had the power to change it all I would, I was blinded really blinded by that stumbling and staggering in every situation possible, even with work I wasn't happy anymore so I left, it's not like me to leave unprofessionally but I did cause it broke me down to my core knowing that I did something to hurt the most, I don't know if it's faith that we met or just me knocking on the door of heaven praying and longing for someone to bump in my life and there you was. But I was too blinded by the fact that I thought that she'll be the one to save me but you were there standing without flinching and with the unyielding love that a human person can give to another and I wasted it all away. Knowing that we were supposed to go to an amusement park, and guess what? That Jan 3 was the day destiny punched me in the face for me to tell you what I got in stored deep inside the dark and deep corners of my heart which was hard to let it out, but I was willing to get out of my comfort zone, break boundaries and say what I really mean.

But then again it didn't happen because of me. But why is that I don't have a perfect checklist of good things in life and almost all of it is on the bad side, really looking inside I didn't have any intention of hurting you, but when I came to see you coming from manila was one of the blurriest decision I've made cause I was going to fix everything but was still blinded, so I did see you but what I said that day when we were inside the car was all true, you mean the world to me but how dumb can a human be maybe I'm the epitome of that, knowing her and thinking she was the one was greatly poor on my side, some people are worth suffering for and I'll suffer for you anytime of the day, week, year or anywhere.

Saying this honestly you are the one with a pure heart on the other hand she also has but like only in a normal state and I thought she was a diamond but day by day she turns to coal slowly breaking and burning me in the process I don't blame her for that but knowing her I didn't expect that a shallow river is bound to drop over me and drown me, because in your eyes I saw a girl swimming in a vast ocean with many things to look after but was calm about it, and composed in a way that anything can turn out good and without harms way. Simply saying that u r different really different in a good way of course.

The self realization made it clearer than the brightest day, clarity filled up inside,b the blindness was cured and I can see far from what I saw before straightforward only walking in one path never turning right or left staying on a pace that'll last, growing abundantly in each other's presence. point here is i really know that u are the perfect illustration a right decision

I hope and pray eventually time will get us to see and feel that something happens for a reason, it's not just the way it was given but on the way it ends and begins again, hoping,praying, begging, pleading, that when that time comes even if it's on a reciprocal I will greatly cherish it and give it as grace without asking for anything in return like a river splashing water on the ground with the little weed sprouting through time, it doesn't have to be the entire ground but the important parts only, perfect timing, right alignment of stars and even if the wind blows strongly or a single rain drop I'll always bring you close by my side and wanting you to stay beside me. I just wish in time we would see each other in our arms again.

And to the one that got away.

Looking back to those days we were so happy I really wanted to tell you how much you mean to me, and the simple things u did, like looking at me with those mesmerizing eyes and the captivating depth and clarity it shown, the way you cling was warmth beyond any parka or furred jacket I've worn before saying slowly while you hug me that you'll never let go. And the way you pull your hair back showing roaring waves but calms me up to the core while the strands of your hair graze my face tingles my curiosity to kiss you in the forehead. And I never felt an urge every time you kissed me on the cheek and while you ask me to kiss you back was the sweetest tune my ears can imagine like angelic figures playing the harp or something like that. And the way we used to drive with ur friends feels like ecstasy having fun and in a euphoric way, I like seeing you laugh a lot, curse a lot at people, things or anything cause im not finding any wrong in that, because that's who you are and what you represent. Also the times we had so much fun singing those songs you recommended me. And to this particular song which made me see you in whole different level, cause you were the first one who dedicated something for me, those giggles that both of us shared is more important the . The unparralled and unrequited feeling that those gestures are simply producing, but what I say is the manifestation of genuine love is you.

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germainedelarch · 7 years

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Why is lack of self worth such an integral part of the human condition? And why isn’t asking other people how they see us part of building up that sense of self more often? Why is the negative and self-flagellation our go-to voice? And why do we just accept all of this as the status quo? (Thank you, MandyPants, for inspiring this sub-tweet).

This comes on the back of a post I wrote the other day [link to 6 Days after #topsurgery: #Selfcare is hard…]

It’s a myth that self-love is an inside job. Especially when thinking overrides feeling and thinking comes from a brain hacked by thousands of external viruses (the voices of others, their judgements and expectations, and our perception of their judgements and expectations; how we think people see us vs. how they really see us).

Please read this theory, it’s SO liberating:

This warped view of self and others’ views of us is especially true for those of us with mental health issues, stress, low self esteem – all of us, in other words – whose internal hard drive is compromised by these viruses, not just the software.

How do you run functional software when the hard drive is compromised? And how do you fix the hardware of your brain with the hardware of your own brain in order to run functional software free of viruses? More on ways of thinking when your thinking is untrustworthy because of external and internalised stigma here (coming soon).

Self-love as an inside job: the old joke about how many therapists it takes to change a lightbulb: Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change. Recovery IS an inside job, but if you’re not asking for help from those who can help you, it’s impossible.

S(ave) O(ur) S(ouls): Message written on the inside of a toilet door at Tara Psychiatric Hospital, 2011.

Not very helpful writing a note for help on the inside of a toilet door, when you’re the only one inside it, and the person following you needs as much help as you do… (Yes, psychiatric hospitals can and mostly do cause more trauma than help, but again, it’s about finding that one person who SEES you and LISTENS).

How did this change (and continues to change) for me?: The waiting to be saved vs. saving myself with the aid of chosen family and healers?

(Also spoken about previously in my post about spirituality. [Link to: Why I’m zen in the midst of chaos: Spirituality for recovering-Christian Atheist Literature Snobs like myself (& images of my text tattoos]).

How can self-love only be an inside job when we don’t live on an island by ourselves and the mirror we look into shows us how we see ourselves, not how we are? The only truly reflective mirrors are those who love us – truly love us, unconditionally; those who SEE us for who we are, no for who they want us to be for them. This is why Chosen Family is so important.

It was one of the exercises they did with me at one of my Tara (psych hospital in Johannesburg) stays [link to Loony bins #lettersfromselvespas(t)sed]. A room full of suicidally self-loathing people writing down good things about each other, then giving them to each other, with that message: if only you could see yourself the way I see you (which inspired my image-making as a ‘photographer’) [link to my website of images created by, for and in honour of all the No one is more YOUer than you” peeps].

From that day, after that exercise in a Tara group therapy session, I made a point of asking people I trusted what they liked about me (psychologists call this “reality testing”). And I started fighting the programmed lesson that self-pride is selfish and narcissistic and boastful and the innate compulsion to brush the compliments off and started taking them in. Especially those repeated by more than one person, and those that rung true in the deepest part of me that I kept telling to shut up because I was worthless. That’s how the endless (because it’s always in progress) journey of self love began for me.

Self love is an unconditional acceptance of self as we are, without the “I can be so much more and so much better”. Self love is “I am enough”. Self love is unconditional. Yes, we can want to be our best selves.

But:

Firstly, this is a continuous process, a being, not a goal; and, secondly, this becoming is only possible through the constant reiteration of unconditional love from those around us and ourselves.

Which can only flourish in a letting go of those who do not see us, those who do not love us unconditionally. However difficult that may be. Because the only thing more difficult than letting go of “loved ones” and loved things that don’t serve us, is keeping them and self-loathing in our lives.

Is any of this easy? Fuck no. Is any of this achieved overnight? No, fuck no. Is any of this achieved, a done deal, over and “here’s your certificate”? Only if you’re a monk living in the mountains meditating 12 hours a day.

It’s a process, one day at a time, one decision, choice, feeling, action of “I’m choosing my self-love/self-care/Spoonie voice over my internalised critical voice” (which is never ours, but our mother’s/father’s/religion’s/society’s and all of them at once).

Change the metaphor

I loathe the term “it’s a learning curve”. Really? We go from 0 to 50 to 100 and reach enlightenment, self-actualisation, Nirvana, success, the goal, self-love? Such bullshit. Instead of a curve, think of W.B. Yeats’ gyre – a constant widening and upward moving spiral, which narrows again – because nothing is linear.

It’s a two steps back, one step forward dance, which as we get better at it becomes a three steps forward, one step back dance, and more often than not back to two steps back, one step forward – but NEVER to the same step.

I’ve always said there’s no such thing as rock bottom. There are multiple rock bottoms, with each one of them being on a another level, never the same ‘downward’ level.

And speaking of steps: Capitalism with its metaphors of ascending ladders, goals reached, success, perpetual forward motion REALLY sets us up for failure, because it has the antithesis of failure of “success” – an ever-changing target that no one can achieve. And why should we? The “success” that Capitalism allows us to achieve means very little for us as human beings, not corporate automatons.

Of course the artist above depicts this as failure, because in the “success” metaphor of life, this is success, and, obviously, leads nowhere.

So rather than these steps think of steps in this way: Not upward steps, Escher/Hogwarts steps: not success, but growth (growing); not a linear learning curve, but a gyre; not achievement, but being; not I love myself, but, I am learning every day, through those that love me unconditionally, to love myself. Sometimes I’m in the middle of the tornado-like gyre and things are shit, but as things fall apart, they also expand and grow, and so do I. (I love Escher for so many reasons, but also because it reminds me of the magic of Hogwarts).

Closing thoughts, for now, on this subject:

Why do we not want to heal? Yes, we say and believe we want to heal, but something holds us back. What is it?

I don’t heal because healing = “fitting in”, being part of the status quo, being one of the sheep, not being an individual. Staying sick (depressed, addicted, stressed, whatever) becomes an addiction, a coping mechanism.

I don’t heal because society proves that those that don’t fit in, the Black Sheeps, the Anomalies, the Freaks, the Individuals, are either swallowed by society (treated and made part of the pack), or pushed to the edges of society (jail, psych hospitals, communes in the middle of nowhere) (Read Claude Levi-Strauss on the anthropoemic vs. anthropophagic society).

So I fly my Freak Flag high, to stay an individual, to stay apart from the sheeples, to distinguish myself from the herd. Because “normalcy” and convention and politeness and society and civilisation in all its forms – religion, school, authority figures, etc. have rejected me.

But the truth is: we are ALL freaks. None of us fit in. None of of us are sheeples. Some of us are plugged into The Matrix, and others aren’t. We have no right to judge those who see the world the way the world wants us to see it. Those plugged into The Matrix have stories, hopes, dreams, traumas, insecurities, and want, so desperately, not to fit in, but do the best they can to fit in out of fear.

It is our responsibility as The Fearless, Terrified Ones who want to heal to learn these stories, to speak other people’s languages – their home languages, their cultural languages, their Sandton languages, their Bloemfontein languages, their corporate languages, their love languages; so that we can get over the romanticised and dangerous notion of the mad, starving artist; the square peg trying to be pushed into a round hole. The more we learn we’re not alone, the less lonely we feel, the more we connect with those around us, the more we heal.

Hermit-ting has its place. The mad artist moments have their place. The sheeple moments have their place. (And let’s not for one second argue we’ve never been a sheeple, in some space at some time for some reason). No one is an island. No one has a monopoly on pain.

We are all worthy of love, healing, being heard. There is nothing glamorous about suffering in silence. Let’s stop being so fucking polite and judgemental; ask for help, give help, love others who love us, and allow those who we know on a gut level are good for us into our lives.

There are billions of people on the planet. Rejection from a parent, a loved one, a church, an authority figure, a rapist, etc. is ONE ISOLATED (and sometimes not isolated) incident. Why should it define us? We are enough. I am enough. I deserve to heal. I deserve to be happy. I deserve love. I just need to prioritise who I expect if from: me, and those who SEE me (in the Avatar sense). The Spoonies. The soulmates. The tribe members. The chosen family.

As always, this is a work in progress and notes towards the book I’m writing. This is all my opinion as I sit here today. I’m writing as a #notetoself to remember these lessons so that I don’t have to re-remember them as often any more, so that I remember the Escher steps rather than the Capitalist steps. So that I remember my self, my selves, and all the selves I can be.

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Why is self-love so fucking difficult? #selfcare #depression #addiction Why is lack of self worth such an integral part of the human condition? And why isn't asking other people how they see us part of building up that sense of self more often?

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