#when in fact is that unhealthy relationship to food that you have when you're fat that shifts into an ed THE MOMENT you try to lose weight | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

findingnemosworld · 17 days

Text

𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐲 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐫𝐞 - 𝐝𝐨𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐢𝐤 𝐬𝐳𝐨𝐛𝐨𝐬𝐳𝐥𝐚𝐢

・𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐛𝐲: 𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐲𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐬

(𝐛𝐚𝐬𝐞𝐝 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭)

𝐬𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬: 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐚 𝐛𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐟 𝐦𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭, 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐠𝐡𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐡𝐚𝐮𝐧𝐭𝐬 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐬 𝐬𝐡𝐞 𝐞𝐧𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐥𝐲 𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐬 𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐠𝐬, 𝐜𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐨 𝐰𝐨𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫, 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐨𝐧 𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐡 𝐝𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐡𝐞𝐫?

𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠: 𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲 𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐮𝐞𝐬, 𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐥 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐭𝐡 𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐮𝐞𝐬 … (𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐬)

𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞: 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐢𝐬 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐮𝐥𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐚𝐬 𝐰𝐞𝐥𝐥 𝐜𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐟𝐞𝐥𝐭 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐲

"Y/N ... Y/N ... you need any help in there?" Kylie, Trent's girlfriend calls out as she sat outside of the fitting room waiting on her friend to try the dresses on.

Y/N stood on the other side of the curtain, looking at her reflection with clear disgust evident across her features, as soon as she was able to zip the dress up, she spots the flaws out almost instantly, sure the dress was her size which was nice but the fact of the matter is, all she could see in that moment was fat, nothing but fat.

Her relationship with food was unhealthy at best, there were times where she over indulged in eating, and other times where she'd skip meals and eat as little as possible, it all stemmed from how her mother used to claim that she was helping her by indirectly shaming her everytime she so much as put any type of food in her mouth.

"Stop eating so much!" "Do you not see how much weight you've gained?" "No one will ever love a fat girl ..." "You need to lose weight ..."

Everytime she tried to eat, she could hear her mother's voice echoing in the back of her mind, and while she tried to conceal the pain from everyone around her, including her boyfriend of two and a half years, Dominik -she wasn't certain just how long she can keep it up- with a heavy sigh, she steps out and says with a dejected tone. "I don't think this fits."

Kylie frowns in concern at the dejection in her friend's tone, "What do you mean?" she asks, "You look gorgeous."

"Kylie, I have literal pouches of fat on my sides." she replies, standing sideways in front of the mirror, "Look at this, and a belly too!" she sighs then looks at Kylie, "I'll just make up an excuse and tell Dom, I'm not going."

Kylie rushes to her and says, "No, you're not." she interjects with a stern tone, "You aren't fat ..."

"Kylie, I weigh a hundred and seventy one pounds, that's fat." Y/N groans.

"Absolutely not, you are gorgeous ... and I'm sure Dominik would agree, otherwise why do you think he's so crazy about you?" Kylie reminds her.

Y/N thinks back to the moment she and Dominik met, she was an intern at the time working in the pediatric ward, the Liverpool football club were making the rounds in Christmas delievering kids to the children there, and while she had minimal knowledge about football, somehow she had managed to capture Dominik's attention with the way she tended and looked after those young children.

A small conversation lead to them exchanging phone numbers as well as their social media handles, he would text her whenever he wasn't able to call and when he could call, the conversations would last for hours, they discovered a lot of common ground between them, both of them came from humble homes as well as the fact that they had a less than stellar relationship with their parents, he with his father and her with her mother.

"He can do better, have you seen him?" Y/N sighs, "He's literally an adnois and I'm plain as they can get."

"Ok, you need to stop the pity party ..." Kylie groans, "You're getting this dress, and I'm doing your makeup, we will all go to the event and have the time of our lives," she pauses and gives her a sweet smile, "Trust me when I say that Dominik, is going to love the dress on you, might even take it off." she nudged her playfully.

"Kylie." Y/N groans.

Admittedly, Kylie's words had somehow managed to cheer her up, she was able to recover from whatever downer she was in rather quickly, however despite that, she couldn't shake the intrusive thoughts out of her mind -Dominik was in fact gorgeous, everyone could see it whenever he'd post on his socials, or make a public appearance anywhere for that matter- so why would he be so accepting of the fact that she looked so, .... unflattering.

That night, she was in bed, waiting for them, scrolling through her phone when the sound of footsteps caused her to look up; that's when she saw Dominik enter their bedroom. "Hi baba." he greets her with a soft smile, plopping down on the bed to give her a gentle kiss.

"Hi." she replied softly, kissing him back. "Rough day at training huh?" she murmurs.

"Oh you wouldn't believe it." he chuckles, curling up next to her. "What are you looking at?"

She quickly exits the search bar and says, "Oh ... um, erm ..." she stammers before smiling. "Nothing, just ... um." she pauses before finally muttering. "Stuff."

His eyes narrow in suspicion, "Stuff?" he repeats with an inquisitive tone, "What kind of stuff?"

"Nothing important," she waves him off before adding, "Are you hungry?"

"Uh ... yeah." he replied, "But I'll just go make myself something, you don't have to do anything."

"No, it's ok." she smiles, "I'll make you something." she kissed his cheek then all but sprinted out of their bedroom to the kitchen.

To say that Dominik was confused would be an understatement, she never seemed so secretive before, as they'd tell each other just about everything -and by everything, he means everything- this was unlike her, he made a mental note to ask Trent to ask Kylie if she noticed anyhing odd about Y/N.

A few minutes later, he hears. "Dom, come here!"

He walks out of the bedroom, and indeed, she made a sandwich and a salad on the side with a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, "Baba, you didn't have to do all of this!" he said with a soft tone.

"Shhh, now sit down and eat." she smiles.

He sits on the barstool near the counter to eat, silently observing her as she cleaned up the kitchen counters, dishes and utilities, he hesitated for a moment before asking her. "Did you eat?"

She froze for a mere second, before nodding and croaking out a soft. "Yes, I did."

Just before he could ask further, her stomach growled rather loudly causing Dominik to frown, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure." she interjects.

"Baba, ... don't lie to me." he said with a stern yet soft tone. "Come here!"

"Dom," she began with a soft tone.

"I said, come here!" Dominik said softly.

Y/N walks over to him, "What?" she murmurs.

"Sit." he said with a commanding tone, gesturing to the stool next to his.

"Dominik." Y/N groans.

"I said ... sit." he looks at her with a pointed glare.

She sits down, then he proceeds to cut a part of his sandwich and hands it to her, "Eat!"

"I don't feel like it!" she murmurs.

"Baba, I love you but you are not sleeping tonight with an empty stomach so eat." he replied with a soft tone.

Reluctantly, she began to eat the half sandwich in small bites, with each bite she chewed, she could see her mother's displeased look flash across her eyes, once she miraculously managed to finish the sandwich, Dominik pushes the salad bowl between them, grabbing another fork, "Now, we eat the salad." he said.

"I'm full." she said in an attempt to convince him.

"Baba." he groans.

"Alright, alright ..." she sighs,

After they finish eating, Dominik looks at her. "I don't know what brought this on, but please, ..." he said, squeezing her hands. "Don't lie to me."

"Ok." she murmurs softly.

Yet she couldn't help it, she would often skip meals, choosing to live off of power bars and water bottles then claim that she ate whenever Dominik or anyone asks her, she would stand on the scale ten times a day, nearly throwing up whenever she doesn't see a difference, almost as if the scale was mocking her and spelling out, three disgusting letters.

F ... A ... T

However, by some miracle she began to notice a rapid change in the following weeks, the small pouches were vanishing, the belly fat she had, had somewhat lessened -and once she tried on the dress she had purchased with Kylie one day when Dominik was in training, she felt somewhat confident, and presistent to lose more and more- unaware of the spiral she was now in.

On the night of the party, Dominik was adjusting his shirt in front of the full length mirror, he reached for his watch when the sound of the bathroom door opening caused him to look up; that's when he felt his heart nearly leaping out of his chest to run to her. "Baba, you look ..." he whispers.

"Does it look bad?" she asks hesitantly.

"Bad!" Dominik exclaims incredulously, "Baba you look amazing but ..." he paused, "Did you ....?"

"Did I what?" she asks with a soft tone.

"Did you ... lose weight?" Dominik asks, with a surprised expression.

"I ... uh, ... uh." she stammers before nodding silently.

"Why? was all he could muster up, "Why would you do that?"

"It wasn't my fault." she deflects almost immediately, "You know, with the double shifts, and calls I get, i'm bound to become stressed."

"Baba." Dominik sighs, "You're lying again."

"What?" she replied. "No, no ... I'm not, i swear."

"Don't do that ..." Dominik interjects with a pained look, "You think I haven't noticed?" he said.

"Huh?" she murmurs.

"You skip meals, and when you eat, you eat so slow that by the time I finish my plate, you claim to be full, ... I mean," he sighs and shakes his head, "You stopped arguing about sharing our favorite chocolate cake with me, claiming that you don't want it."

"But ..." she begins.

"Let me finish!" Dominik said, "I saw your phone screen last week, when you accidentally left your phone open, I mean seriously Y/N, 'How to lose weight faster?' ... and I saw the box of power bars you keep stashed behind your side of the closet."

Y/N was unable to form a word in response, feeling like a child being scolded by their parent for stealing a cookie. "I ..." she croaks out.

"I just don't understand why?" he whispers dejected, "Baba, you're the most gorgeous and intelligent girl I know, why do you want to resort to these dumb ways to fit in society?"

"Because I never felt pretty!" she finally admits.

"What?" he whispers, shocked by her admission.

"It's the truth!" Y/N murmurs, wiping away her stray tears. "Remember when you asked me why my mum and I barely talk." she adds on.

"Yeah, you said it's because she wanted you to help her with her boutique." he replies, recalling their many conversations.

"Well our reason for barely talking, for our ridiculously strained relationship is food." she said, inhaling then exhaling a deep breath before she said. "I have PCOS."

"What's that?" he asks with a frown.

"It's a hormonal dysfunction that a majority of women suffer from, I just so happen to be one of them, it causes weight fluctuation, absent periods, hair growing on my face often, my body too ... and while I can control the hair, and the whole period thing," she said with a broken voice. "The weight has never been something I can handle, bcause I have a toxic relationship with food, all thanks to my ..." she choked back a sob.

"Your mother ..." he deduced before grabbing her hand, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want to admit it, I thought I had it under control ..." she said softly, "Until that day, the match against City ... when I was sitting next to all of the WAG's"

"Did they say anything?" he asks her, concerned that they may have said something to her.

"No ... no, they were very kind to me, they didn't say anything to me." she said, shaking her head. "They didn't have to ... it was me, I." she sniffles, "I kept looking at them, how perfect they looked, and then I looked at myself and wondered why you're still with me."

"Baba," he sighs softly.

"I'm serious Dominik, ..." she murmurs, "You're so fucking perfect, an amazing footballer, an amazing human, and you deserve to be seen with a successful person."

"I am with a successful person." Dominik interjects.

"Huh?" she tilts her head, shocked by what he said.

"You don't understand do you?" Dominik smiles, leading her to stand in front of the full length mirror.

She stares at her reflection in the mirror, "Dominik?"

"The girl I fell in love with, didn't attract me because of her beauty ..." he began, before quickly adding. "Although that was an added plus, the real reason I was drawn to her was because of her spirit, the fact that she tends to those children so gently, made me imagine us when we we are older, where she'd look after our children and me, ... I was drawn to her because out of all the girls I met in my life, she didn't look at me because I played football, she didn't make me feel stupid because I had no idea what she spoke about whenever she talked about her work in the hospital," he murmurs, pressing a kiss to the side of her head.

Her eyes water, "Dom?"

"Baba, ... you drew me in because you're unique," he said with a gentle tone, "You keep on my toes, you make me feel like I'm the luckiest man out there, do you have any idea how much I annoy my mother because I talk about you?" he chuckles.

"You do?" she said softly.

"Oh trust me when I say that my mother loves you more than I do, and admittedly that makes me jealous because I just want to keep you all to myself." he whispers playfully, turning her around to face him, "my point is ..." he cradles her face between his hands, "You are the most beautiful and successful girl I know, and I love you just the way you are."

He leans in to peck her lips, causing her to smile tearfully. "What did I do to deserve you?" she murmurs.

"Being an incredible person, that's why." he embraces her, "I love you baba."

"I love you too." she whispers, clinging onto him.

#dominik szoboszlai #dominik szoboszlai x reader #dominik szoboszlai fanfiction #dominik szoboszlai fanfic #dominik szoboszlai angst #dominik szoboszlai fluff #dominik szoboszlai imagine

87 notes · View notes

ed-recovery-affirmations · 5 months

Note

Any tips on how to overcome a scarcity mindset when it’s your actual situation?? Like I am living with my parents who heavily control my diet, so when I’m alone or in a safe place I end up binging “unhealthy” things, which doesn’t feel great. I’ve tried telling myself that I can always have more later if I want, but the fact is that I can’t because of my situation. And that’s kind of the only method or mantra (what really helps me is repeating little supportive phrases to myself) that I’ve seen in my research.

This is a tough one, anon. I think you're going to have to do some damage control now, and start making plans for treatment once you are able to leave this environment. So instead of telling yourself you can have more later if you want, tell yourself "It is wrong that this is happening to me. One day in the future I will begin to heal from this." Just focus as much as you can on your hope and not on your distress.

Do you have a locker at school or any place your family cannot access? A job that provides you a cubby/locker to store your things? If so, it could be a good idea to stash sealed nonperishables (so that you don't grow mold or attract mice.) Some ideas could be: sleeves of crackers and those single-serve pouches of peanut butter, granola bars, packets of nuts or dried fruit, potato chips. Try to stash nutritious things but it's okay to keep treats too, so you don't create a guilt mindset around these foods. Then you can tell yourself "I'm not going to starve. I do have enough. I do have some control." (A lot of unhealthy relationships with food are about control, and it sounds like you have a scary lack of control in your own life right now.) If you could even get a lockbox to hide somewhere in your room (or in your car, if you have one) you could stash these nonperishables there, and keep the key on your person at all times. Ooh, and if you're afraid you're not getting enough nutrients, invest in a multivitamin too. Just remember to come up with a ready-made excuse for what's in the lockbox in case your family finds it. Maybe stash food in multiple places, as long as it's nonperishables. Oh, and anon, I feel for you having to tell you this, but please make a note to bring this up in treatment if you seek therapy once you're free. Lots of people who've lived in scarcity develop extreme trauma and food hoarding behaviors, to the point of eating foods that are unsafe or keeping their house in unsanitary conditions. Right now, you may need to hoard and that's the honest reality. But do keep your eyes on a future where healing is accessible, not just survival.

Remember, it's okay to eat junk food. I understand it's not ideal to live on it, but if it's all you can access, it's better than starving and you need to remind yourself that so you don't feel guilt. But "junk foods" are the kinds that are easiest to binge, especially if you have a scarcity mindset because they have the sugars, salts, and fats that you'd be desperately seeking if you were starving in the wilderness. So it's a bit of an instinctive reaction to want to go ham on these things if you live in fear of going without, so try to tell yourself not to feel guilty about craving them. No matter what you're eating, make sure you take a breath every few bites. Take a moment to remind yourself that you are alone, in your space, you are totally safe, that you are allowed to not only eat freely but to enjoy your food. Be patient with yourself if this message doesn't sink in right away, as you are living in a traumatic situation where that is not always the case. But teaching yourself strategies to prevent or interrupt the binge process is always helpful. Stay patient and keep working on it.

Do you have friends who are aware of what you're going through? Anyone who can help you to get a little bit of extra food here and there, or whose house you can visit to get a real meal? If you must live on snacks, they will keep you from starvation, but a real meal here and there will do you wonders, as will the knowledge that you have a safe space and people to validate that what is happening to you is wrong.

Never stop working on your exit plan and envisioning your future of healing. I hope you get through okay.

#ed cw #scarcity mindset #abuse cw #abusive family #controlling behavior

8 notes · View notes

jess-moloney · 6 months

Text

"I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with food. I eat because I have to, not because I enjoy it" Jess Moloney 2017 [Source]

This right here screams eating disorder and she must know that because she gets on the defensive immediately in the same post saying she's never had an eating disorder but this is 100% the mark of someone with an eating disorder. In fact, if you google this exact phrase look at what comes up:

A link for an eating disorder helpline and her blog post (only two results). That's a big red flag right there.

Later in the same blog post she says this:

"I used to live on coffee, fruit and dinners out. It still, to this day, baffles CJ how I managed to train so intensely on just that. He suggested (correction, made) me eat more protein and carbs, and I’ve never looked back." - Jess Moloney 2017

Her trainer had to make her eat? He was baffled by how little she ate with how hard she was training? This isn't normal, or cute, or safe, this is an eating disorder.

The rest of the post goes on to detail her rules about food and how she only eats such and such if she's also training so she can burn off those calories etc. It does seem to be that if she is actually eating this way she's making sure to burn off the same amount that she's eating so she can stay skinny. However, the things she says in this post are already problematic.

The thing about eating disorders is you don't get cured of them. You are just in recovery. Like an alcoholic or drug addict. The mentality is always there because it's a mental illness. Is she better now? I think that's debatable. If you look at older photos of her she has a much fuller face and body. If you look at her now she's a lot skinnier with a skinnier face. She said she had an unhealthy relationship with food or has, and she also seems to have lost a lot of that weight over time.

Jess in 2015 with a much fuller face and fairly normal sized figure.

A year later her face and body has slimmed down quite a bit

There's obviously something going on with her weight dropping and not maintaining. Not that she was ever fat, not even in 2015 but she's getting slimmer and slimmer.

Her extreme fitness thing seems to be a cover for disordered eating or an excuse to work out as much as possible to burn off whatever calories she is managing to eat because she has this distorted body image.

Though having an eating disorder isn't something that makes her or anyone inherently a bad person, if she has these issues and they aren't under control then she's probably not the best person to be around if you're also trying to stay sober. Especially when she's not sober herself.

#jess moloney #jamie campbell bower #jamie bower #thoughts

1 note · View note

unrealisticexpectationss · 3 years

Text

130.9 this morning 🖤

0.9 lbs to GW2, so so close!

It's been months since I weighed in the 120s, and it just makes me even more ecstatic to be closing in on my comfort zone again (110-115).

I can't believe a month ago I was standing on a scale at the clinic and weighed 145. That was my breaking point. My highest weight ever was when I was 11, I weighed 151 lbs and it was the sole focus of arguments between my already divorced parents.

My mom used my weight as a way to say, 'Fuck you,' to my dad by feeding me trash and making me fat (literally, this is fact) and my father just wanted a healthy kid, but he too could have been better about it.

Anyway, I couldn't stand being so close to that weight for the first time in almost 20 years (yep I'm fucking old) so, I needed to do what I do and get back to my comfort zone.

To Be Clear: I wish I had never been exposed to eating disorders. My mother is disordered, and I have never known a life without an unhealthy relationship with food. This is unlike any other addiction.

An alcoholic can removed alcohol from their home, a drug addict can flush it all away, but eating disorders? At least 3 times every day we have no choice but to somehow navigate a mental illness that wants to kill us. So if you're here, and you're young, please seek help. Start with a school counselor, there are actually meetings for people with eating disorders just like there are for alcoholics (AA) or drug addicts (NA).

I wish I would have known that life gets better. My personal life is amazing now that I'm an adult, but I still have this fucking disorder and I always will. Try to get away if you can.

Anyway. Done preaching now. Hope everyone has the best day they can 🖤

#tw ed journal #tw ed thoughts #tw ed talk #tw ed mention

3 notes · View notes

one-abuse-survivor · 3 years

Note

tw: disorder eating? i think

to say the least, my relationship with food is really fucking weird because of my mum. since i was small, i remember always being told to finish everything on my plate, and i would do so, otherwise i wouldn’t get anything else to eat after. i could only pick one thing to eat at a time, and was made to wait afterwards. i had to get permissive to eat. i would eat my dinner so fast till because i didn’t want to eat it, and it would make me so sick afterwards. then mum would just scream at me for that, and would give me partial portions and make me wait in between. which in turn made me scared. i was also forced to eat food i didn’t like and not aloud to leave the table till it was finished. i would always get called fat, too skinny, a pig etc for eating. nowadays i’m just scared. i hide the food i’m going to eat 95% of the time. i get scared filling my school lunchbox because i don’t want mum to see the food. i get scared that i won’t be aloud to eat again that night if my plate isn’t scared. i’m scared that i’ll be called names again and again. i’m scared that i’ll be laughed at because i didn’t eat anything

a lot of it happens because my mum isn’t a good eater. she barely eats herself, she’s thin and weights less then me (which she constantly teases me and my sister about that, tho it more happens to me) she skips many meals etc. she just says it’s because she’s never hungry, and doesn’t eat a lot anyway but then she goes and pushes that on us. it makes me feel bad for eating so much, and makes me feel like shit

Nonnie, it's no wonder you feel like shit when it comes to food. A lot of what your mum has put you through is abusive. The yelling, the name-calling, the laughing at you and mocking you, the punishing you without food and forcing you to eat things against your will, the constantly controlling what, when and how you can eat to the point you became sick after some meals and terrified of her seeing you prepare your meals, and the constantly comparing your body to hers, are all abusive behaviours: verbal, emotional and physical. And the fact you feel so scared around her and feel compelled to hide the food you eat from her for your own safety might be a sign of PTSD.

I hope you know it's okay to stop eating once you're full even if your dish isn't empty. It's okay to have your own eating rhythm, and no one should be forced to wait in between eating portions of food as punishment for eating too fast. It's okay if there are foods that disgust you so much you can't eat them—hey, I have them too! I also hope you know everything she's put you through is not normal, healthy or fair, and you deserve so much better than this. You shouldn't have to put up with so much pain. And I hope you're not being hard on yourself for having an unhealthy relationship with food, because it would honestly be a miracle if you didn't, considering everything you've been through. Please be patient with yourself, and don't blame yourself for hiding your food from her. You deserve to do everything that's in your hand to keep yourself safe right now.

Sending all my support your way ❤️

#ask #ed tw #eating disorder tw #disordered eating tw #verbal abuse tw #physical abuse tw #emotional abuse tw #fatphobia tw #insults tw #name calling tw

4 notes · View notes

coxinyoface · 5 years

Text

spoilers, but.

realtalk? i think i hate that short.

i mean, if you're asian-american like me or any other poc and have difficult relationships with your parents and liked it? i'm sorry and im glad you like it/feel positive about it

but. i've been stewing over it all day and it takes all of my least favorite widely accepted asian american stereotypes and... does nothing but make me feel bad they exist?????? parents that are controlling over adult offspring, privileged firstborn/only son who just exists to be loved but is an ass to his parents, the implication that existing for yourself and not your family is bad. it even works but also doesn't that the whole thing is nonverbal! so when the mom apologizes through food and not communication it makes me frustrated that it's supposed to be cutesy and relatable that she gets mad when he doesn't want her effort! instead of talking like fucking adults because you literally cannot talk in a nonverbal animated short!!! i would say that's my least favorite part out of frustration but??? here we are, trying to, i don't know, make people relate to this depiction of an unhealthy dependence? and we go with VORE to relate it? i mean, i guess that's a good way to say 'this is relatable, but should not be normalized'? but i saw posts being like 'haha all the white people in the audience were confused because they don't get empty nesting syndrome' and i'm like. YEAH! SHUT YOUR ASS? I WOULDN'T EITHER IF THIS IS HOW PEOPLE EXPLAINED IT.

i know not all kids media is supposed to be good vibes but didn't expect to have it recc'd and feel like shit after lmao. likely bc i'm dealing with bad parenting myself. i don't know how to feel good about it. that wasn't even sweet, it went a full range of body horror and bitter and 'that's unrealistic not just because it ended happy but because this asian mother was feeding her child without bodyshaming them for being fat ONCE in a 5 minute span!'

anyway... not over the fact that they decided bad parenting metaphors are appropriate with that family friendly ~disney™~ cannibalism!

YKNOW THAT RELATABLE PARENT FEELING™? DONT YOU EVER JUST WANNA?

#i just wish i could feel good about it but i can't #coxtalk #...so this was one of 5 bad drafts i didnt plan to publish but its also the most coherent and least personal so fine whatever it stays

5 notes · View notes

thisismyjourney2022 · 4 years

Text

“I wasn't very kind to myself for a really long time and I'm trying to learn that now. So do what you need to do, and push yourself, but also forgive yourself if you fuck it up, or if you're struggling.”

If there was ever a quote that hit my heart and soul at a particular moment in my life, then this is it.

My goal for the summer was to focus on me, myself and I. I stepped back from social media because I became way to focused on the virtual world, and if I got likes from certain people. I was more involved in the virtual world than I was in the real world and it was becoming unhealthy. Truthfully, it was causing me extreme anxiety and really affecting me. I’ve been off of it for two months and I can say with all honesty, that I do not miss it at all.

I wanted to use the summer and get back that fight that I had when I started this journey back last Jan. I wanted to find that girl again. The girl who took this journey and ran with it(not literally, because lets face it, your girl doesn’t run). I wanted to delve deep into my heart and find what it is that I really wanted and do everything in my power to get there.

My mind and my heart have been through a lot over the last few months. Quarentine wasn’t good to me(as it wasn’t to anyone else). I lost myself, and my goals and what I wanted to accomplish. I allowed my inner demons to resurface and show themselves, after I worked so hard on beating them down.

My self confidence plummeted, I just straight up stopped caring. I went to Barnes & Nobles and spent $100 on self help books. I was going to devote my time and energy on reading those books and finding me again. Well guess what, those books are now taking up a full shelf on my book shelf, untouched. I constantly reached out to people. seeking advice, always asking what is wrong with me. Expecting others to fix me with words. I’m thankful for those people in my life, who always had the words that I needed to hear in that moment.

However, over the past few weeks, I’m realizing, that even though I know those people care about me, my problems and my sadness about me, are not their problems to fix. Of course, I know that they will be there whenever I need help, but to really understand where my mind is, and why I’m so hard on myself, I needed to dig deep down and figure this out on my own. No one is in my head besides me(and trust me, more times than not, I want to escape it, but I can’t). Most of the time, I have a hard time explaining how I am feeling, because my mind is so jumbled up with a million thoughts.

I’ve been trying to write this blog entry for a month, but everytime I sat down to write it, my mind became so overwhelmed with all my thoughts, that I gave up.

One of my biggest problems is just that. I give up. When I started this journey last Jan., I put my heart and soul into everything I did. My workouts, my food, my blogging. I was doing awesome. I felt better, I was happier, I smiled, I liked looking in the mirror. Back in April, when I discovered junk food again, a switch was flipped and I gave up. I stopped caring. I felt like I failed and was a disappointment. Not only a disappointment to me, but to everyone else who was along on this journey with me.

My best friend came home from London 2 weeks ago, and I was able to see her this past Thursday. After I left her house, I texted her and my exact words to her were, “I almost bailed(can’t lie) because I was embarrassed of how I looked.” Reading that, at this moment, makes me want to cry. This is my best friend. My friend since we were 5 years old. The one who has seen my ugly cries, my happy tears and everything in between. The mere fact that I was embarrassed is just so sad to me.

Her response, “Never bail on me because how you look. I honestly didn’t have one thought about it. Love you(and seeing you) no matter what!”

Over the past year and a half, I’ve been very open and very public with my journey. I’ve posted my pictures, my goals, my triumphs and disappointment. I have extremely vulnerable and honest. I did it all for me, but a lot of it I did it because I wanted to help be a voice for people, who didn’t feel like they had one. I wanted to show others, that with hard work and determination you could achieve anything. I wanted to help people who didn’t think they could help themselves. I wanted to be a safe place for people to express their thoughts and their feelings, and know that no matter what type of journey they were on themselves, they were and never are alone.

Do I regret doing this, and being this open and honest. No. Because I felt like without doing it, I reached a lot of people. People who I would not have talked to prior, reached out to me about it. A connection was formed with people, and bonds that I had with others grew because of my journey.

I do however, sometimes(sorta)have a tiny ounce of regret for being so open. Only for the fact, that I felt like I put a lot of pressure on myself to make sure that I did what my goal was. To show people you could do this. That no matter what life threw at you, or how many times you fell down, you just had to get your butt back up and go again. I felt like a lot of people were counting on me, and for the last few months, I’ve felt like an absolute failure. I felt like I let myself down(Which I could live with, been there, done that x100). but I couldn’t deal with the idea of letting everyone else down. Which, I know in reality, in like real life reality, that is not the case at all. That those who really love and care about me would never see me as a failure. But in Chrissie-verse(my own personal universe), I’m a failure to them. I know in my head that the only way I would be seen like that by them is if I really do give up. But yet, I’m still standing(okay, maybe with a limp, but hey at least I’m up).

A few weeks ago, I was talking to my coaches from the gym about how I was having a hard time, and they said they wanted me to write down my 5 whys. 5 whys as to WHY I started this journey in the first time. What made me decide enough was enough. These were them-

1- to show Ava(my most favorite little human on the face of this earth) that her aunt is a strong woman

2- to erase old memories of wanting to hurt myself from being bullied

3-to not be a burden on anyone as I got older

4- to find confidence regarding my body and to not feel “fat shamed” anymore

5- to find love.

The last one, I think, is the one that has most affected me, I’m 33 years old and have never been in a relationship. It really is something that has affected me and made me feel like I’m not worthy. I feel like I put a lot of pressure on myself to loose the weight so that I could find love. But what if, WHAT if, the love I want to find isn’t with someone, but what if the love I am looking for is loving myself? Why is it so hard for me to accept love(even if it is love towards myself) yet I have enough love in my soul for EVERYONE else, that I could drown in it? Why is finding the love for yourself to hard?

Writing this entry, has given me some clarity. It’s literally all over the place, but hey, welcome to my brain. Try living in it for a few min, you’ll had a headache and be exhausted in a matter of minutes.

Okay, well I think that’s enough writing for tonight. This entry has taken me 4 hours to write. and MAN, does my mind hurt lol.

To those who have stuck through, I thank you. To those just joining, welcome. I hope my thoughts and feelings and transparency, can help you when you feel like you are lost.

xoxo

Chrissie

1 note · View note

the-musical-cc · 7 years

Note

You realise the fanfic trope you're talking about is usually a self-insert thing right? It's not written very well, maybe, but in my experience its fantasy coming from the perspective of people who have been abused themselves. I dunno, that's what I've seen more often than not. People want to believe that the right partner will make them better and help them with trauma so it makes its way into fics but I like to think that irl life they know better.

Hmmmmmm. I’m…uh…OK, here’s what:

People are different from one another. The ways in which we cope with pain or trauma are different for each. Kinds of abuse are also so diverse that it’s pointless to try and fit the topic into any specification. This is just a general view from my personal experience as shared with me by other victims and experienced in my own flesh; BUT it does not mean to invalidate any other abuse victims who don’t meet what is described here. You do what it takes to survive each day, that’s how it is, and what can’t help me proooobably CAN help someone else.

My first thought is you may have mistaken ‘Projection’ for ‘Self-insert’. Since ‘Self-insert’ already implies a lot of wish fulfilment, it’s basically do-whatever-the-heck-you-want-time and trying to police that would be futile. There is literaly no way to write self-insertion wrong in my book. Projecting into a character, though, I believe makes for the most sincere forms of writting, provided that the writter doesn’t lie to themselves, in which case you’re just reading an ode to their ego that may or may not be well written but it tends to get boring very quickly.

That said, in either of those scenarios it’d still NOT be OK to portray recovery as something that takes only for someone to love you. That is not how it works and as a victim there’s few things more damaging that getting told or telling yourself that getting ‘The right partner’ will magically make you well. It’s setting yourself up for more heartbreak when it doesn’t happen, and it isolates you even more because if abuse victims already tend to tell themselves they deserve the bad things they’re being put through, this impression gets only strengthened when getting a partner doesn’t help like the frigging world told them it would and it’s only after years of torturing yourself with the thoughts that you don’t get better because there’s something wrong with you that you get to know any better. In the particular case where an abuse victim is STILL suffering abuse, it can even be dangerous to them.

With the aggravant that now they’ve hurt someone else, ‘cause being involved with a person who suffers abuse is a constant struggle of wanting desperately to help them and not knowing how, and in a scenario where this person makes YOU directly responsible for their wellness, it easily becomes toxic for the survivor’s partner.

…provided that the partner does want to help because this whole ‘My partner will fix me’ mentality more often than not only sends survivors into yet another unbalanced relationship. I have some trouble seeing the preservation of this particular myth, even in fiction terms, as harmless.

I once learned of a situation where a survivor of abuse, literal decades after the actual abuse took place, was still over-compensating herself for it. She was told as a child that she was fat and had specific foods she liked locked in a cage at her plain view. Everyone else in the house was allowed to have them, except her, and she would have to go through life seeing everyone else eating at their leasure while she couldn’t so much as have a taste of anything her mother deemed unhealthy. This on top of being constantly bullied BY HER MOM for her weight, verbally abused and even sometimes physically abused for it (Spoiler alert, she wasn’t much fatter than you’d expect a healthy child to be and even if she had been I can’t fathom why being fat is a crime so severe that you have to punish a kid for it). As an adult, this person would still be unable to hold herself back at the sight of the specific foods that had been locked in the cage; I mean it in the most literal ways possible, she’d see them and consume them frantically without being able to withold herself until she’d made the food disappear. She knew it wasn’t healthy, she knew WHY it happened to her, but at some point during her recovery she made those foods her wellness, gave them the power to compensate her for everything bad that had happened to her, and is to this day unable to de-program herself from that mentality. All this to say: Even more dangerous than the incorrect ideas society puts into our heads about recovery, are the ideas WE put in there. Which is why I don’t think it’s healthy at all to convince yourself in any way that one magical specifical thing is going to solve everything. In the long run it might do more harm than good.

And might I add, saying a lie to yourself a lot of times is a pretty good way to make it seem real.

There’s a difference between portraying characters supporting a character with trauma or helping them recover and portraying characters fixing it with a kiss like it’s a booboo or something. My post on the matter refers to the latter, as you will observe, and I stand by what I said. Frenching =//= Therapy and the actual process of recovery.

Recovery isn’t pretty. Recovery isn’t easy. I can’t say this enough times. It’s one of the hardest things people go through. One day you get better, but it’s only after a long, tiring road. I don’t think it’s necessarily better to be aware of every excruciating step through it, but I don’t think there are any short-cuts, and I certainly don’t think that being like ‘Hey, I bet if I went down this other, shorter, more convenient road, it’ll amount to the same thing’ helps anyone.

Abuse messes up your head. Your trust in others, your turst in yourself, your capacity to funtion as an individual rather than an extension of your abuser, your reactions to everyday things like people raising their voice or loud noises. How people think being a relationship without recovering all it takes from you (Or growing it from scratch, in the case where the abuser is also the parent) won’t take any hard work on both parts (But specially the survivor’s part) is beyond me.

Of course, this is all just a general outline on why I personally don’t understand the trope. I never said the trope was like the ultimate capital sin of writting, though. Did I read it when I was younger? Yes. It wasn’t good for me, to say the least because the fact that the magical cure didn’t materialize before me in the shape of a romantical partner made me think ‘Woop, I knew it, I’m completely unlovable, I deserve what’s happening to me because no one could ever love me’. Did I WRITE it? I TRIED. Keyword being ‘Tried’. I recall writting something about a dude who hit the kids put under his care getting brutally murdered (I was a very angry smol) and one of the kids (A girl) being able to overcome it because oh at least now she had a boyfriend, she had love in her life. Someone being romantically involved with you fixes everything, right? Right? Wrong. It didn’t…really make me feel any better. So there, it might work for others, but personally and seeing the cases of other victims I know, I think it makes more harm than good.

Finally, I…see some holes in the logic where abuse victims are the ones writting it. As in everything, there’s gotta be exceptions, but I find that a good 98% of the time, the people who write abuse recovery poorly are people who have never in their life experienced how HARD staying alive through it is, much less recovering from it.

((Not having experienced it is still not a good excuse for not writting it properly, mind you. Stephen King wrote abuse rather well in Rose Madder and made a point in making his abused character climb out of the slope by her own will to live and make it through. She has help. She meets kind people who are willing to help, but there is a difference between getting aid and placing responsability for your recovery on someone else’s hands, and King does a really good job at painting the line. His character does this BEFORE even thinking of getting tangled in another romance and her new partner isn’t written as a magical cure, but as someone who comes into her life and happens to be good for her. Furthermore, he shows the consquences of the trauma still within her YEARS after her abuser has died and her dealing with it in a way that couuuuld be supernatural but it’s mostly a “Things might not be all good, but you can grow again” kind of message.))

Then again, it could only be a matter of you and I moving in very different fandom circles. The kind of fic I used to find with the topic of abuse would be 1)Fics where character A was not a victim of abuse in the canon material BUT they had potential partners B and C and the writter felt the need to make the one they didn’t ship them with look bad so boom now C is an abuser and character A needs B to save them. Or 2) A has strict parents so writer turns them into abusers so B can come and be the knight in shinning armor- ‘cause you know parents who take no nonsense from you and parents who will make you feel worthless and trapped at any chance are basically the same thing. Among these, not once did I read any work where I could find anything REAL in the way the abuse and the recovery was written. It was just a gratuitous and lazy way to have drama happen without having to think too hard about it. Which, no matter how I look at it, isn’t very respectful towards non-fictional people who are either still being abused or recovering, and sends the message, once again, that ‘They don’t have it as bad’.

So no. Nope. Still one of the worst tropes out there, in my eyes.

(To be fair I also find a lot of what are popular fanfic tropes VERY lazy in terms of character development or even making the story interesting but that’s another matter and depends mostly on the writer)

#cc rants #tw abuse

8 notes · View notes