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stealingyourbones · 2 years

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Just saw the Gotham Knights trailer (while i dont agree with all of the character design) the sneak peeks i saw seems like it nailed the characterization

I have been excitedly talking back and forth with some of my buddies about it. I am so excited to see how they do the Court of Owls because my god the trailers are incredible. the characterization of EVERYONE is lovely. Sure, there's some critique on some gameplay choices for various characters. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to make each character balanced with abilities and playable so it's fine.

(Sure, Jason uses magic I'm not fully vibin with that, but what else does he use that the others haven't got? Dick already has electricity so he can’t do that, and he's used magic in the comics before so the devs aren't pulling that idea out of their ass.)

Even if the game story positively sucks I won't be too miffed. the cinematic trailer really shows that the devs have the characters in the right place in their heads.

Unpopular opinion but I really enjoy Jason's design. People keep saying that he looks like a bully and I will throw hands with them. they got the body design PERFECT. Jason should be a BIG dude. Bruce should be second in size and mass compared to Jason, not first. Jason is wide, built, and a big guy.

Sure, it's not the same as the comics, but also comic artists manage to spew out raw dogshit that looks like they've never learned what the words Visually Appealing means *cough cough*

*cough* oh sorry, accidentally slipped and hit ctrl V. well guess I'll keep it there because for some reason it just feels just a bit like it's relevant to the convo (If you can't tell im just a little bit salty about this shit ass artstyle choice.)

People say that Jason looks like a bully. WELL GUESS WHAT?! HE IS ONE! Dudes meant to be built like a big mean tank and I'm glad they didn't just zap him with a pretty boyify machine. He should be big, mean, and intimidating. guys who are that big size and wide frame are the guys who can pull trains with their teeth. People built like Tim or Dick can't reach the amount of muscle mass that Jason could put on.

I think is face design is perfect. Dude has been through some shit and it shows. Do I vibe with the haircut? not fully. But it fits the face of this version of Jason. The long hair up top wouldn't work as well as the buzz. would I prefer a tad more hair on the sides? Yes. But It's a part of the design that shows you a part of how his character acts without even saying a word. It tells you the life he's lived and how he views himself and how he fights.

Anon I know you didn't put this here for me to rant about Jason's design but I have feelings about the matter.

Ok I'm gonna add a photo of the design here and I just want to say that you're fully free to disagree and tell me why you think so in the comments or replies. I'm fully down for a healthy discussion of opinions. Keyword healthy. Present it in a non-aggressive manner. I am so down to chat character designs but not when you're being a dick.

without further ado I present to you; Jason Todd

#bones replies #anon #lil rant there whoops #jason todd #Gotham Knights #dc comics

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courtney-deserved-better · 1 year

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ways i relate to the new td cast

axel - we look very similar (curly brown hair, brown eyes, resting bitch face) and she can kick people in the face, something i am also capable of

bowie - style. we don’t have the same style but he is stylish and i have been told i have the outfit coherency of a video game character and a sitcom character on two separate occasions

caleb - i am the first voted out of every game of mafia no matter what. he would understand my pain

chase - not much beyond i wouldn’t want to be catapulted either buddy

damien - nerd surrounded by chaos (i am an introverted writer in a theatre program)

emma - when i was her age i too alternated between wanting to kill a shitty guy i liked and wanting us to make up and be friends again

julie - purposefully filters out a lot of mean thoughts i have. i can’t tell you guys how many times ive seen a dogshit td take, opened up mod courtney’s ask box, and started to write an angry rant before taking a deep breath and deleting it

millie - ive been writing down weird things ive overheard people saying since i was 13 to use it in my own writing. i quite literally have thousands of quotes

mk - i regularly stole candy from my middle school science teacher and when she finally figured it out i blamed it on the high schoolers and got away scot-free (however unlike mk this experience gave me a massive fear of shoplifting that cancels out my desire to steal shit)

nichelle - overprotective parents/sheltered childhood, i also know a lot more famous people than the average person

priya - competitive as fuck but also anxious and socially awkward as fuck. will tell a story from my childhood and everyone will go “hey what the actual fuck” (but it’s messed up because of my school not my parents)

raj - went on my first (gay) date last week and had no clue what i was doing the whole time but it was very nice

ripper - absolutely not. i refuse. we are nothing alike.

scary girl - token edgy aesthetic friend. i have dyed my hair purple three times. i think im known in the td fandom for mostly wholesome/chill fics but my original writing usually ends up being about death with details that make my friends go “what the fuck is wrong with you” when they read them

wayne - very supportive of my best friend who i am lowkey attached to the hip

zee - nonbinary swag. long brown ponytail. sometimes likes to lie about harmless things to see people’s reactions. i too am a canon disabled character but instead of losing half my legs i lost half my hearing

#now you all have learned more about me lol #td spoilers

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musteladraconis · 4 months

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alright thats it this is my rant about palworld because i need to just speak about it. if you disagree with anything i say or have an alternative perspective then ill be happy to read them but anyways.

this game makes me so incredibly upset and just. enraged. pure unbridled anger.

just want to clarify some things before i start:

1. im aware of just how dogshit nintendo treats pokemon fans like myself, giving us the worst framerates imaginable, pushing out shitty low quality games so that people stay interested or whatever their motive is and so on and so forth, you've heard it all before i dont need to go over all of it again.

2. im not against using ai for some things. it can even be really beneficial. however when you use ai to steal from other artists and use it to make creative work then its inexcusable and should never be used. no im not talking about animation programs that use ai for tweening or any ai that's used to help make an artists job a tiny bit easier or faster, im talking about generative ai that takes artists work without their knowledge and uses it to make money. so when i say ai in this post i am specifically talking about generative ai.

alright with that said lets get into why i absolutely hate this game.

feel free to correct me if im wrong throughout this post.

ive been looking into the company's background and as many people already know the founder promotes the use of ai and greatly enjoys it. but yknow what i also found out? its that he also hates new and creative ideas! and he promotes using ideas that already exist to make games.

(citing SomeOrdinaryGamers video on palworld)

oh yeah. yeah that's right. pocket pair is the company that made palworld! lemme show you what else they made

notice anything? no? alright let's try again.

how about now.

yeah. yeah this is breath of the wild and hollow knight!

and also. it's one thing to steal from nintendo, it's another to steal from indie game developers and FAKEMON ARTISTS.

YEAH. YEP! EVEN THE FAKEMON ARTISTS ARENT FREE!!

WEIRD 'COINCIDENCE' RIGHT???? THAT THEIR DESIGNS ARE 99% THE SAME???

SURELY THIS GUY MUST ENJOY HAVING SOME KIND OF ORIGINALITY RIGHT? RIGHT???

WRONG!

"IF THERE ARE GOOD IDEAS IN THE WORLD I PICK THEM UP AND I DONT NECESSARILY HAVE TO BE PARTICULAR ABOUT ORIGINALITY"

nintendo hasn't sued him yet. i dont know if its because they cant find a 1 to 1 rip off or some other reason like them not needing to worry about him but i hope some of you understand just how bad this is for artists jobs. while yes there would have had to be artists that modeled the models in game there is basically no creativity or originality here. 'but what about the idea of giving pokemon guns' you might say. sure, thats a cool idea i will say. i like the concepts but i despise the methods used to achieve this goal.

many other games that are similar in using monsters like pokemon have successfully made their own unique creatures and people have enjoyed those games.

shin megami tensei has its demons for example! including... including... sigh. the green dick on wheels. yeah you heard me. the green dick on wheels.

BUT wouldn't you rather that than a 1 to 1 ripoff of wooloo?

you could say that oh wooloos just a regular sheep which yeah i can accept that argument but there are so many more that you can look at where the similarities are just... Bad. the cobalion one for example (just look up cobalion palworld youll see what i mean).

and not just the megami tensei franchise either. mutahar also mentioned other games, like cassette beasts which looks really fun

and those are good designs! the game itself looks cool and fun to play. digimon also exists!

if nintendo ever does anything to the pokemon franchise that just absolutely ruins it more than anything else they've ever done then ill rethink my opinion about this game, but for now im mostly just upset about artists jobs being taken from them and artists original designs too. while nintendo can be so shitty to pokemon at times, there are artists behind pokemon designs that had their work and original ideas blatantly stolen.

i highly recommend checking this link out to support your favourite pokemons artists directly if theyre on the list.

to finish this rant off, i just want to say that originality is one of the most difficult things to achieve in video games. i get that, im an artist too and being original is extremely difficult because everythings been done at least once. but it doesn't excuse how closely these games are 'borrowing' incredible, iconic and ORIGINAL ideas from others and not just once but repeatedly.

#palworld #pokemon #digimon #shin megami tensei #rant #ramble #im still upset but less so I guess. as an artist it's just frustrating to see this stuff make so much money for stealing.#even if its not stealing directly or ripping off the models to use as bases its still not right.#its like someone tracing your art. which nobody likes.#character design #artist

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move2rabldcur · 4 years

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i really wish they didn’t downplay hux’s intelligence and had him killed , like he’s a canon 9.5/10 in smarts , he would’ve known that not leaving with finn and poe would be a DEATH sentence , god the absolute missed chance of having the space nazi as a strategic hostage like... am i the only one? he’s your muse, what do you think about it?

Don’t call him a nazi then go on about him getting on the Falcon in the same ask it makes me feel dirty, call fascists what they are but don’t be uwu space nazi, alright man?

I made this blog with no plans for a redemption arc like he blew the Hosnian system that’s a lot of people died and scattered across the Galaxy without a place to call home, Hosnian is nothing more than asteroid belt now. I don’t think that’ll ever be something that’s just forgiven easily so if he were to get on the Falcon with rest of our intrepid heroes that would be a start redemption arc I’m not 100% sure I want to see, he’s a good villain and him maybe slipping more into the role of chaotic neutral where it’s just “I don’t care about the villains, I don’t care for the heroes, I’m here for me.” so he’s not really on anybody’s side but his own I feel like it’s a good middle ground.

Yeah, he would have been great to give strategies or to improve qualities of ships and weaponry, he could have been the one to explain The Sith fleet since they’re now utilizing the technology he came up with for Starkiller base so he’d know it fairly well and give us actual explanations but that movie had no explanations what-so-ever due to it being a clutter mess, therefore he would be an anomaly, also wayyy too many characters someone they had to kill someone off to introduce another. I mean the lie he gave to Pryde wasn’t too bad but it could have been better, I just don’t think he’d get on the Falcon willingly he was born into the empire it’s his way of life, a dogshit way of life, but a way of life nonetheless, he’s fine with betraying Ren but to actually runaway from the Order that would be a little much for him, I mean there was a chance of him maintaining control and power and he took it and died for hubris.

I know I said Armitage would not be forgiven but guess what that’s not a necessarily an ingredient for redemption, it helps, sure but the definition of redemption is; the action of saving or being saved from sin, error, or evil. Guess what he’s living with his mistakes now babbyyyy

For big war crimes, come big long roads to redemption and here how I would do it personally.

A good redemption arc for Hux would be him learning better and doing better, again 9.5 intelligence, none of this “I fell in love so I’m chill now” (in general thing not dunking on Ren) or death = redemption that movies love to do. Here are the questions I have asked myself, what would make this a good arc:

1 (Where should this arc start?

2 (What would he have to learn?

3 (How much he’d have to change?

1 (Where should this arc start?: I know I already said he’d not get on the Falcon willingly but getting on the Falcon is the best place to start, maybe Finn or Poe rolled higher than a 2 on their persuasion check, maybe they took him as a hostage to make sure they won’t be shot down (bad plan tbh everyone is treated as expendable in the first order) maybe Finn recalls something about how Hux grew up in the unknown regions so they take him for information purposes (I keep seeing people say they are gonna tortured for info but the Resistance is not the Empire and that’s a war crime they would never; Hux is the kind of guy you just have to annoy enough and he’ll cave like chill out.) Either way, get him on that ship. Him being on the Falcon forces him into a spot where his survival relies on our heroes survival, so his reasoning to help is selfish which would be in character.

I agree with what was said about him in the back of that one comic, he’s not justified in any way but he is a product of his environment and he needs to get away from there to have a chance at change.

I don’t think Hux would get along with Chewie, but seeing him playing a game of dejarik with him would be great. I think it’ll take some time for him and BB8 to get along with one another; I see BB8 rolling over his feet constantly. C3p0 and Hux would agree on a lot of things since Poe and Finn keep wanting to do bad ideas and both of them would be stressed the fuck out. D-O abused droid meets abused man, love it.

2 (What would he have to learn?: For starters to embrace individuality. The First Order is so divided of individuality on purpose, they strip you of all singularity and make you earn it through rank, sure he didn’t have it as bad most of the troops because he was Brendol’s son and most the troops viewed him as spoiled (Archex) despite him being abused, maybe they didn’t know, maybe these kids were just used to violence that they don’t know better and that it is wrong to treat your child the way Brendol did, most of these troops were taken away when they were babies so they have no sense of family. Individuality is something Hux learned to fear and to learned to suppress, I don’t think there is an off-work Armitage I think there’s only General Hux which is why he’s an obsessive workaholic with sleep issues; The Order doesn’t need or want him to be a person they need him to lead and inspire their army. We can show his progress with interactions Finn, Hux just keeps calling him Fn-2187, Finn get rightfully upset with him and have that conflict there until around the end of the movie and Hux actually start using his name. If you want this to be a Gingerpliot ship fic you could have Poe help him explore elements of himself like things he likes, how to relax, or his sexuality. Hux being a 34/35 virgin, guess what, not much experimentation happening there, and Poe the space himbo is the right man for every man and woman, he’s bi in my mind.

Something else he has to learn is how to form non-professional relationships, you know how to have casual friends and how to interact with others in a non-military way and to learn to trust other people. He needs to learn how to be a person so bad I can’t stress this enough.

The last thing is learning the Empire is wrong about the Republic and the galaxy isn’t the way they say it is, he was raised on stories of great heroes Imperials and how the Empire saved the galaxy from the chaos of the Clone Wars which sounds like revised history and we should call them on it. He need to know that not everyone in the galaxy is as cruel as the Order and people will do things for others for nothing in return, the Resistance would be a good place for that, however, his mother died during the New Republic’s siege on his homeworld Arkanis (really sore topic for him), well mmh, that’s what the popular head canon is and I dig it cause us an explanation why he hates the Republic and by extension the Resistance so much to have him to learn to separate the two would do him some good.

3 (How much he’d have to change?: He would have to change a lot and it will be for the better, of course, for him to join the Resistance he’d have to relinquish his rank as general and to give up on power, like he doesn’t need so much of it anymore, his life no longer depends on his usefulness and nobody is out waiting for him to fail as well, to have that change in foundation where he can start again and slowly gain trust would be where we see the most change, of course it wouldn’t happen until he learns to care for others, chill on the murder, and give up on his Imperial ideals. His new rank within the Resistance should be an intelligence officer and engineer that’d the perfect rule for Hux. 100% he should live with his actions and learn thats not okay and do better, he may never be forgiven for his actions against the Hosnian system, but it’s about trying, successes is a big bonus he may never have.

Im going to stop here cuz my hands really hurt but I hope you’re satisfied don’t be scared to ask questions.

#❛ 𝙋𝘼𝙏𝘾𝙃 𝙏𝙃𝙀𝙈 𝙏𝙃𝙍𝙊𝙐𝙂𝙃. ≽ * ask.#armitage hux #general hux #this is going in the tags so who ever sent this can see it #sorry for any typos #❛ 𝙏𝙃𝙀 𝙋𝙃𝘼𝙉𝙏𝙊𝙈 𝙈𝙀𝙉𝘼𝘾𝙀 𝙊𝙁 𝙋𝙀𝙊𝙋𝙇𝙀. ≽ * ooc.

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tacittherapist · 4 years

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((HS2 Spoilers under the cut!))

((For all the shit I give the epilogues, it does have its moments. Specifically highlighting this bit of dialogue here: ROXY: you think you choice mattered so much that no one elses could measure up? ROXY: n then what ROXY: did u get what u wanted? ROXY: did your life end and the points got tallied and you came out on top or like what? ROXY: still p much seems like were movin to me ROXY: and you sure dont seem like ur winnin so wheres all this good shit you got that you gotta go around handin out apologies for? ROXY: also damn dude while were at it!! ROXY: u forgot to actually say sorry in that apology! JOHN: no, i didn’t — i just meant... JOHN: i’m sorry for fucking up your life, or making it not— ROXY: i like my life!!! ROXY: i mean it aint perf and i got my share of fuckups n mistakes in there but you dont get to tell me its fucked up ROXY: or that it isnt real or somethin ROXY: its mine!

First: criticism. The writers wield this little section like a crude cudgel. They use it to underscore the weight of ‘canon’. This is the ‘candy’ timeline, so it supposedly ‘weighs less’ than the ‘meat’ timeline, but its characters still have meaningful thoughts and emotions. Here, John supposedly makes a choice that supposedly invalidates a bunch of supposedly important events, and Roxy here blows it all out of the water by claiming she made these choices too and that part of the blame rests with her in the direction her life has taken... which is total dogshit used to justify a bunch of really overt swings in character thematic. Continued here: ROXY: you wished i was one way the whole time we were married ROXY: but i wasnt ROXY: but now that youre all convinced ur the only real boy in a crowd o puppets ROXY: here i am bein me just like you ordered only i did it without your help ROXY: widen ur zoom my man!! ROXY: im not actin like this now because you want me to or bc you dont want me to ROXY: i was bad at standin up for myself then and im learnin to be good at it now ROXY: ive got my own self actualization train ROXY: ur just pullin in to one of my many roxy figures some shit out stations right as i built it JOHN: but... JOHN: you were never like that before i... ROXY: dude ROXY: where tf do u get off trying to decide what is or isnt me being “like me” enuff ROXY: do u think ppl stay the same their whole damn lives or what JOHN: you’ve really never felt like anything about our lives here was... off? ROXY: off from what exactly?? JOHN: the way things should be? ROXY: what does that mean???

Roxy here argues that there is no ‘one right way to be’ as a half-baked wink to the audience that all this gross mischaracterization is intentional and that it diverges so grossly from the established character arcs in order to demonstrate that nothing is set in stone. While technically true, this also makes for some pretty terrible writing.

Roxy was a caring, almost too involved individual before the epilogues. Her ditching Calliope for John and this messy marriage business and just letting Jane warp into a full-blown dictator makes no sense, even couched within the idea that ‘characters change.’ Yes, characters change, but there’s generally a reason for it! And not a shitty deus ex machina reason such as ‘John makes a choice!’ What even fucking happened to Candy Calliope anyway? She just fucked off somewhere? How do you sincerely throw a character away like that and then have the gall to wink at the audience as if what you’ve done makes sense? Changes in character are generally brought on by catalysts in their life! Trauma, joy, death, new settings, new ideas, events! Not... John deciding to eat a plate full of candy. If we had insight into Roxy’s thought process behind ditching Calliope and marrying John and having a kid on a whim, this might be saved. But we don’t even get a glimpse. Instead we’re pawned this shitty excuse for a very glaring departure from what we knew about Roxy. Character development is just that -- development! As in to become more complex or advanced! Roxy has made wrong choices in the past, yes, but her reasoning was laid bare in such a way that those wrong choices made sense for her to make. She then makes different decisions later because she learned from her wrong decisions. This is development! Her character is learning and changing behavior because of the things they’ve been through! Her reasoning for this awful series of bad choices is just... not explained, despite going against a ton of shit Roxy has learned. It’s slipshod. It’s careless. It’s sacrificing the tree to showcase the topper. The audience isn’t vested in this Roxy because she’s seemingly robbed of her agency, and then they’re trying to foist this idea that she somehow still has agency on us as if they didn’t preface the entire timeline with ‘well, all this shit is going to happen because we decided it and no other reason!’

Now: the praise. This bit of dialogue has huge implications for ‘non-canon’ dynamic. No, not ‘non-canon’ in the cheeky way the epilogues and HS2 claim to be ‘non-canon.’ I mean ‘non-canon’ as in this blog that I run and all the blogs that you, the reader, are writing and reading as well. Roxy’s insistence that characters change can swing the other way, too. Characters can develop in bad ways as well! Not bad as in bad writing, but bad as in flawed character reasoning! Suppose what Roxy learned from her time in HS1 was that most things can be solved by unvoiding fix-all solutions into existence? Then we might be able to see her trying to fix the human-troll-population issue by just... making more planets! Or unvoiding some sort of device trolls could wear that inhibits hivemind tendencies! That would be interesting and perhaps morbid to write about!! It would at least track with her past experiences!!! Or better yet: perhaps she actually takes a side against Jane (as she has done in the past) but instead of using their friendship as the moral plating, she went right into sarcastic arguments FOR eugenics to demonstrate how bigoted Jane was being? That’s a very Roxy thing to do!! She could have made the argument that if trolls need eugenics to suppress their violent tendencies, then so should humans! Having read about the Condesce’s eugenic practices during her formative years, this should have been fairly obvious to Roxy that what Jane was suggesting was from the same playbook, at least.

But I digress. What this bit of dialogue really does is give credence to us, the audience, in exploring these stories we’re currently writing for these pre-established characters. YES, canon Rose likely didn’t dabble so thoroughly in game magics, and she likely didn’t have as much anxiety as my Rose. BUT I prefaced my Rose’s current state with a bunch of events that make sense! She missed her rendezvous with the others! She had to float adrift, alone in a broadcast satellite, for nigh on a decade! She’s had a long fucking time to develop all these anxieties and mental illness because that’s what happens when you’re isolated for years! It is a tool I use to express my own anxieties and explore how someone might somehow overcome them! And most importantly: she’s still Rose. She has unprocessed mother issues. She cherishes her friends. She’s more than a bit gay. And she knows when the meta is using her and when it’s not, because she’s had a traumatic experience being used by Doc Scratch as a plot device. And that trauma isn’t going away (well, unless she gets therapy, but given the setting we’re writing... not likely), so she’s going to be overly cautious when it comes to big decisions involving her friends. What she’s not going to do is suddenly abandon everyone she’s departed from because uhhh Jade ate some bread the wrong way or whatever.

tl;dr: What this section of the epilogues/HS2 (well, really just this bit with Harry Andersen, Tavros, and Vrissy that is somehow more interesting than virtually EVERY OTHER PART of HS2) is telling us, the audience, is that it is good to diverge from canon. Non-canon characters will still have very real feelings and face very real consequences for their actions. Just... don’t do it like they did it. All these characters we’re writing for and all these events we’re writing around them... they’re valid! They matter! Just because they’re not canon doesn’t mean others are willing and wanting to read them, and that makes them important! Unfortunately, this also means the epilogues/HS2 are important, but let’s ignore that for now. What I’m trying to say is: be indulgent! Write the things you want to write! As long as they’re well-reasoned, they’re good writing! Characters can be overpowered! They can be cliche! They can have teenage problems as an adult! Just... give them a good reason.))

#ooc #hs2

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syekick-powers · 4 years

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rambling about emotions and self-control

i think one of the things that pisses me off the most when family members criticize me is when they say that i’m “bad at controlling my emotions”. first of all, I have ADHD and bipolar simultaneously, my emotions are a hundred times fucking stronger than yours. secondly, i am actually excellent at controlling my emotions. i am the kind of person where if i am having a panic attack, you might not have any fucking clue that i’m even having anxiety unless i state directly that im having a panic attack. ive had PAs so bad where i legit thought i was about to die and not a single shred of that world-ending panic touched my external affect for a second. part of my fucking trauma revolves around having to hide my distress to avoid freaking out other people, which means that i learned to develop a diamond fucking grip on my external signs of distress. it’s deeply maladaptive in some situations, but in other situations it’s equally as useful. and yet because i am very animated and exaggerated in my persona, people assume that i just let my emotions fountain everywhere uncontrollably and that i’m just a waterfall of feelings.

incorrect. every bit of exaggeration in my affect is deliberate. i am not acting like a clown because i can’t control myself, i am purposefully choosing to exaggerate to convey my feelings more effectively. if i don’t want you to know what i’m feeling, you will never ever ever find out. there are some people i interact with on a regular basis whomst i fucking loathe deeply, and yet any time i interact with them i am completely personable and friendly. when im streaming video games on a high difficulty and get frustrated from having to do the same part over and over and over again, i never get tilted on stream. i dont yell or rage, and in fact the more frustrated i become the more blank and expressionless my affect turns. when i was playing dead space 2 on zealot difficulty on stream recently, all of my viewers were complimenting the fact that i spent at least two collective hours on trying to beat the final boss and yet still did not get visibly upset or pissed off once.

yes, my emotions are strong. i have two separate disorders that both have “emotional dysregulation” as some of their biggest negative side effects. my bad moods feel like a fucking firestorm most of the time and strong emotions are very difficult to handle and control. sometimes, my emotions get the better of me and i snap or get irritable. but the only time i’m irritable is when i feel physically and emotionally like utter dogshit and the bad mood impacts my ability to hold back my emotions. the truth is that in my day to day life there are dozens of fucking things that irritate the living hell out of me and i choose to discard my frustration rather than stay mad about something trivial--either that, or i feel the frustration intensely, but bite it back and don’t say anything because i’m not in the mood to pick a fight. if i’m being pissy with you, it’s because i’m completely fuck-out of all mental and physical energy that i would otherwise use to hold back my irritation. there is nothing left to burn. there aren’t even fumes in the tank. this bitch empty, so prepare for the yeet.

the problem that i run into with my family members is that this internal struggle to contain my emotions is completely invisible to any external viewers. they’re not me, of course they can’t see what’s going on in my head. what makes that an issue is that they don’t see the twenty fucking times i got irritated and managed to control my temper through the frustration, they only see the five or so times i lose control. my efforts are invisible to everyone around me, so when i finally do get fed up and make a snippy comment or complain, it seems like i just let my emotions get the better of me all the time.

to be fuckening honest, if the people who criticized me lived one fucking day in my shoes, the extremity of my emotions would exhaust them within hours. the thing is, i’m 25 fucking years old, which means i’ve lived with this shit for over two fucking decades. i have learned to control myself to an extent, and, being honest with yall? it fucking exhausts the living shit out of me all the goddamn time. it’s like my brain expends all my mental fuel reserves on overclocking my emotions as hard as possible while leaving no fuel left over for activities in the day that i actually need to do. it’s part of the reason i’m so fuckdamn tired all the fuckdamn time. but i’m not bad at controlling my emotions when i actually have the energy to do so. in fact, i’m so good at suppressing them that half the time, people don’t know i’m upset at all. to a certain extent, i’ve gotten used to how extreme my emotions are, and have started learning to predict what sets me off so i can make an effort to avoid the negative stimulus and save myself the frustration. i’m just really fucking tired of people accusing me of not controlling my emotions well enough when god fucking damnit you have no idea how hard i’m actually fucking trying!!! it feels like i’ve gotten so good at hiding my distress in my day-to-day life that now people have no fucking idea how shitty i actually feel until they poke me one too many times and i fucking bite their finger off, and then assume that i just randomly blew up on them with no reason or justification. that i’m just behaving like this to spite them personally.

i promise you im not fucking behaving randomly. in fact, my frustration triggers are actually pretty fucking consistent. the same bullshit behaviors will always piss me off; what changes on a day-to-day basis is how well i control the extremity of my reaction. if i’m having a good day, i have enough fuel stores to go “meh, whatever” and brush it off without being too bothered for very long. if i feel like shit, my ability to control my response is hampered and it becomes much harder to bite back a snippy comment. i’m not lashing out to be malicious or spiteful. i’m lashing out because you’ve been doing this shit every day for the past two fucking weeks and today i’m just too tired to deal with this fucking bullshit anymore. my reaction is not a sudden unprovoked blowing up of a bomb. it’s “you poked the caged animal one too many times and now it’s going to fucking bite you to make you stop because it has no other way to express its frustration”.

i try to be clear and concise with my boundaries, and frankly i don’t think they’re all that unreasonable. i like to be able to decide when and how i do a task on my own time rather than being pushed and pulled and jabbed and pressured every step of the way. i like to be able to have my own space where people have to get my permission before entering suddenly so that i feel like i have a safe place to hide when i’m overstimulated. i like to decide when and where i want to engage in socialization, and for how long. i like being able to decide when i’m ready to do a task, rather than having a task suddenly shoved on me with no warning or being pressured to do it before i’m ready. i do not like being gifted objects i did not request (and often actively requested not to get) and then being expected to be grateful for something i didnt even want in the first place. i don’t like gifts coming with invisible price tags and obligations that can change whenever the gifter decides they want more out of me. and i absolutely cannot. fucking. stand. passive aggression. all of these things do not really seem all that unreasonable to me, yet time and time again people treat me like i’m just asking for so much more than they can possibly give. and you know what? 75% of the fucking time when someone crosses one of these boundaries all i do is Make A Note Of It and go along with the boundary violator’s wishes anyway, because i actively decided that making a big deal out of them crossing my boundaries is not worth the effort of asking them to change their behavior, because throughout my entire fucking life i’ve been constantly treated as the irrational, unrealistic, crazy bitch for trying to set those boundaries. i’ve been taught time and time and fucking time again that defining my boundaries is too much to fucking ask. so when someone does violate my boundaries, there’s a little “Sye will remember that“ popup and absolutely zero expression or reaction. which means that yes. when i finally get tired and can’t bite back my frustration any longer, it’s because you’ve done the exact same thing to me two hundred fucking times previous and i don’t have the fucking patience to suck it up and deal with it anymore. im done with your shit.

so yeah. i’m a little bit fucking sick of people telling me that i have poor self-control. the fact that you think i have no self-control is an indicator of how good it actually is, because i’m so fucking good at hiding my distress that you don’t even have any idea how absolutely like a fetid mound of horse shit i feel like until my fuse finally burns all the way up. i can contain a 10-out-of-10 ‘i’m imminently about to die’ panic attack so well that not a scrap of that panic shows up in my external affect for even a second. i can suppress my pain on stream when it’s at a 7 out of 10 intensity or higher and be fucking on stream playing video games and commentating and show almost no sign of discomfort except for an intense concentrating face. don’t you fucking ever tell me that i’m bad at controlling myself. i’m a goddamn adult. i’ve learned how to control 90% of my fucking emotions so well that i could be holding a conversation with you imagining myself breaking your fucking nose and show absolutely zero sign of external hostility. i am good at controlling my fucking emotions. the problem is that my emotions are so world-endingly, apocalyptically intense that sometimes i just get too fucking tired to hold back, and then that’s when i bite. i’ m not just lashing out randomly with no provocation. i’ve been tread on a million fucking times and took it with a smile and you had no fucking idea. just because i bit you doesn’t mean i did it because i have no self-control. self-control? self-control???? don’t you fucking talk to me about self-control you headass bitch. i have a fucking supernova coming out of my brain and you’re telling me im weak for not being able to bite it back when your emotions have about as much intensity as a bowl of lukewarm porridge. don’t ever fucking criticize me for not being able to control myself when you’re playing life on easy mode and i’ve been stuck on expert all my fucking life. self-control. don’t you fucking talk to me about self-control ever again. you have no idea what the fuck you’re even talking about. fuck off.

#sye's babbles #sorry this is a fucking essay but i needed to get some shit off my chest

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dragoneer99 · 4 years

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complaining about skyrim keep scrolling

so for a moment, let us disregard modding. bc if a game has to be modded for you to enjoy it, you are admitting that some aspect of the game is bad. let’s just examine base vanilla skyrim

which is the most dogshit game i’ve ever played. This was the point when Bethesda just decided games don’t require quality anymore, that they don’t require the corporation to actually expense a long development period to make a good game, and they should just leave all the bugs in and let modders do the rest. I do not find the millions of bugs that come with vanilla skyrim to be fun or charming, I find them annoying and immersion breaking.

the fact that each of the factions in the game is so shittily designed also really irks me. The companions are supposed to be an honorable tradition of warriors, why am I spending most of the time just hunting animals and beating people for money? acting like a common thug is something i expect in the thieves guild questline, why is it in the companions? Were they just so fucking lazy they just made the factions share quest types?

stealth in skyrim is fucking boring as hell and i despise it. i hit crouch and then power level it to 100 and i can stealth kill anything. there’s no skill, no difficulty, no actual thought put into it. have you noticed that stealth based games like dishonored and thief don’t have a fucking stealth skill?

speech skill seems to do literally nothing, as I have never failed a persuasion attempt in that game even with low speech characters. so it’s just like the others.

the combat is. fucking awful. the animations look like im about to snap my fucking ankles from a sword swing, I can not wield magic and a weapon at the same time despite the fact that oblivion, the ostensibly inferior game, let me fucking do exactly that. Half of the actual spells from the previous games got gutted bc god forbid bethesda spend money to make their games good. and archery is so stupidly overpowered, so why would you ever use the dozens of melee weapons?

the storyline is. so fucking boring. when i say i had to MAKE myself care enough to even visit the graybeards I mean it. literally everything else was more interesting than the main story. and this goes doubly for the civil war quest line.

90% of the aesthetics in the game are. incredibly dumb. the armors look ugly as hell, made doubly worse by the fact that my character--a woman with no muscle despite me maximixing her weight--was constantly in dumb ass boobplate. The swords look like dumb shitty toys, i swear the staffs all choose one model to use at the beginning of the game and that’s all you get from there, and there’s like five whole outfits of normal fucking clothing. And can I take this moment to state how annoying it is that female characters are posed like that compared to men?

also it is. impossible to make an attractive character in skyrim. it is hardwired to make you ugly. and I think skyrim’s model for khajit is the ugliest one yet.

there’s like. hundreds of npcs but htey all share the same four or five voice actors and have such bland personalities that none of them stand out, even when they’re clearly supposed to. they made orcs sexist....for some reason....

it’s honestly just a giant shitpile. why did anyone like this game?

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aimorgbot · 4 years

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FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKK

i cannot get k out of my mind i am so goddamn hung up over feelings of nostalgia

it’s like i’m 6 years younger, it’s like he’s right there, so close but so far away

god

AFTER 3 DAYS OF NOT PLAYING we got to play again and i’m buzzing with happiness i’m so fucking ecstatic, he invited me to his disc and i got to witness his buddies and their entire group was so FUCKING FUNNY i couldn’t stop laughing i loved it, and he gave me shit about it the entire time and i couldn’t be happier oh my god. i don’t know how i’m going to sleep or think or focus on anything for the next week. he says he starts his job later so i hope he’ll be able to come home before then and potentially I MIGHT SEE. gfsdfuihgsdoif they kept on referring to me as his girl and i just am gushing sinfdsfmndsf like oh my god my heart it’s been so long since i’ve felt this way

so that night i went to bed, i got god awful sleep. i literally stayed awake in my bed for 2-3 hours straight not able to fall asleep because of all of that. on another note, finished my exams, thought i did pretty okay on them. played league with k some more, i had again so much fun but we didn’t end on a good note. we had a bad game in ranked and it was just so disheartening, he got off the computer altogether and now i’m overthinking if i did something wrong, or if i was too much or too annoying. i know i’m overthinking but also at the same time i’m so worried about it. fuck dude, i’m so sad about it.

on a side note, i guess i was supposed to hang out with S today but i kind of forgot, and i apologized and messaged him about it and he literally just flipped his shit, after i said something came up anyways, he said, “so are you going to talk about it or is it just not worth bringing up?”

Me: “it doesn’t matter anymore”

S: “oh okay so this is just something that’s going to make me feel worse then”

Me: “I don’t know what you mean by that?”

S: “i’ve been feeling like literal dogshit the entire day and i at least deserve an explanation.”

As soon as I read that, I had so many fucking things run through my head. Like, I don’t owe you fucking anything first of all, second of all, just because YOU feel like dogshit does not at all justify that you can take it out on me or make me feel bad. And last, he doesn’t even know what came up or fucking asked like he cared, he knows I struggle a lot with depression and shitty situations you’d think that would at least run through his head before he said any of that, but no. Just lashed out and acted selfishly, as if I owe him anything. I said -

Me: “Just because you feel bad does not at all mean that you can take it out on me. That’s not okay, and I’m done with this conversation.”

another update, it’s the day after from the last note and i got to fucking play with k again all day today. ALL day, literally from 3pm to 10. 7 hours. i.. oh my god. he makes me so fucking happy, like i don’t know how to describe it or what it is. it’s completely different from anybody else, i genuinely hope and want to get closer to him as a whole. when we played league, we played bot lane together for most of the time and after almost every game he honored me with the <3 one and IT’S SO LITTLE BUT IT MEANS SO MUCH LIKE I’M grinning ear to ear from it, i was screaming in my head about it i loved it so much. he also was just, god, we had a lot of people in call at the time so both of us were a little bit more quiet and didn’t talk as much, but he did these little jokes that were so fucking funny and one of them killed me. absolutely killed me and i couldn’t stop laughing and he started laughing because i was laughing so hard and i fucking love it. i loved all of it. i love his laugh so much, it’s one of the best things i’ve ever heard.

ah ha, fuck. my friend and i went out to go get pizza and then i was talking about k and i brought up his insta to her and she fucking requested to follow him for me and i got pissed but i mean, i wanted to, i just didn’t have the balls. but as i was scrolling through it, he’s in a relationship and my heart just sunk, even now. i just feel so upset about it. i still really fucking like him obviously, but.. i don’t know. i don’t know what to do, how to act.

same day as last note, i’m just so much more down in the fucking dumps. feeling so attached and connected so quickly and knowing that fucking nothing is going to come out of it hurts so much. like holy fucking shit. what am i supposed to do. what the fuck am i supposed to do. he’s graduating, he’s going to have a job right after in the same state, and likely so is his girlfriend and they’ll probably still be together and i’m just. holy shit. what the fuck. what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck. i’m glad he’s happy, i think, i think, but at the same time i’m so fucking upset. all i want to do is be near him and joke and laugh with him, i want to make him happy.

i’m tipsy i think a couple days after from the last note and all i can think about is k - i don’t even know how much i want him i want him so fucking badly, in all ways.I LIKE HIM SO MUCHHH oh my FUCKING GODDD i just want to be with him why does it have to be like this

- several days after that, dude k went mia for like 4-5 days because of moving but oh my god i was suffering so much, i missed him so much it was killing me. but he came back and now we’re getting tipsy/drunk and playing video games with each other for the past 2-3 days and counting, i love it so much it’s so much fun. but he mentioned his girlfriend today and how he stayed up super late to play video games with me, and he told his gf that and she got super pissed. like super super mad. and he ended up calling her and putting her on speaker so that i could like tell her that i knew that they were about to move in together and oh my god, my heart just sunk. it’s nothing i don’t know, but it’s still just.. it just FUCKING HURTSS dude. every time it just feels like a stab, and the way he says my name and just how we fuck with each other it feels so, so good but then i just am brought back down because of all of that.

- (week or more since last note)

yeah it’s kind of all over now, it was slowing down and regressing anyways but i guess the reality and also a couple things he’s said recently killed it (I was trying to play video games with him and he ended up saying something like “well this is a stretch because we only got like 2 games to play with each other so this probably won’t last long” and in my head I was like, oh, ok guess i’ll just fucking die then FUCK ME THEN). but i’m glad, it should be like that. he deserves to be happy and have a good life and i know if i were to be anything more, even if it were a slight interest, it’d complicate and make everything worse for him and that’s the last thing i want. so i’m chilling, i know my heart really craves something fulfilling, so my emotions are so intense that it really does feel like i like them way more than i actually do, otherwise my crushes wouldn’t die so easily, you know? at least i hope.

i dont know how long it’s been since last note, but god. still hanging out with k and i still love it but god damn im so fucking lonely

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