#when i came out as trans to my mother as a teen she reacted quite badly. not the worst ever but still bad.
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Seeing critiques of transandrophobia makes it quite clear to me that most detractors believe this came out of nowhere, as if somebody rightfully called out a trans man on his misogyny once and he instantly snapped and became a reactionary gamer bro. So I'd like to tell you that at least in my case, this has been brewing in me for some time with the rise of a new transphobic movement that specifically targets transmascs, and I gave you not one, not two, but three chances to take my worries seriously. If you don't like seeing me discuss my oppression like this, it's your fault for not being there for me when you had the chance.
April 2019
The Swedish national broadcaster puts out a documentary about trans healthcare. It's bad. It's really bad. It lies about the ease of access to HRT and concern trolls about an "explosive rise in mentally unstable girls identifying as transgender". It cites an at the time obscure study suggesting that being trans, specifically transmasc, is communicable. It's pseudoscience, but nobody cares. A woman goes on national television funded by tax payer money to complain about being silenced. Parents come in to misgender their sons, and shortly thereafter one of these sons talks on social media about how his mother was lying through her teeth the entire time. No trans person is allowed to speak. The documentary is mass reported for its obvious bias, misinformation and invading the privacy of a trans man. In the end, it's only charged for the privacy breach - in the eyes of the public, the bias and misinformation are forgivable. A sequel is released in the fall of the same year when they actually bring in a trans person... a trans woman. As if to say "this is what a real trans looks like, unlike you mentally unstable girls". They then announce that they are detransitioning and calls themselves a "effeminate gay in a woman's body". Now the narrative is more like "if even this real trans wasn't actually trans, what makes you think you could be?"
My mental immune system went into overdrive, I panicked. This was new to me but I knew we would have to deal with this brand of transphobia for a long time going forward. I also knew that these people obviously hated trans men and trans men specifically, this was reactionary pushback against increased visibility. "No, you can't take up space like this, what about the children?" This rhetoric is also literal gaslighting - it teaches you that if you happen to be a trans man, especially if you came out as a teen and/or you're ND, you can't trust what's going on inside your own head, you're delusional, and you certainly don't deserve healthcare. I write a tumblr post describing to the best of my abilities why this is dangerous. It gets a couple of dozen notes, but not much else. I try to rationalize it - the post was written in panicked delirium and I didn't know what to call this rhetoric, I knew calling it "transmisandry" would get me laughed out of the room. Additionally, this isn't happening in the US (yet), so I have to be happy I even got notes at all.
I was pre-T at the time and I was terrified that this would prevent me from transitioning. Knowing that this documentary is now what most people in my country believe about me is a horrifying thought. At least one Swedish trans man attempted suicide following the documentary. As for me, I started crossing streets without looking for cars.
Strike one.
June 2020
An author whose work I never particularily cared about has a twitter meltdown over language designed to include me. She cries about feeling dehumanized by being called a person. Shortly thereafter she writes a full manifesto justifying her TERF sympathies. But this doesn't look like the typical TERF rant. While she goes over some very classic and violent TERF rhetoric like calling trans women predators, she spends even more words on regurgitating the rhetoric I knew from more than a year before. Some people sound the alarm about what this might mean for trans men, but they're shut down - TERFs don't hate trans men! Look, she said she included you! Just don't think too much about the fact that the reason this happened to begin with was that she threw a hissy fit over having to include me.
I try to rationalize this response again - this is many people's first exposure to this rhetoric, they just might not know quite what to make of it.
Strike two.
Summer 2020
A book is published once again rife with the rhetoric I was now very familiar with. The author is invited to the biggest podcast in the world where she says word salad about how people like me are women with unresolved body image issues and that's why we transition - T redistributes fat storage, that must sound awesome to women who hate their bodies. Just don't think too hard about how T actually allocates more fat to the stomach and how a woman with body image issues would realistically react to such a development.
The book itself is also vile. It misgenders trans men whose lives were lost to hate crimes. It fetishizes my reproductive organs, claiming that maintaining my fertility is more important than my wellbeing. I'm reduced to a breeding stock, what a shockingly feminist move.
It openly hates trans men who are out and proud with their experiences, it accuses them of stealing their children in a manner not unlike how autism parents talk about autism. But this might be worse - these are individuals who are being blamed. It makes uncomfortable remarks about their bodies and many of them are harrassed following the publication of this book.
At this point you have to stretch ridiculously far to claim that this isn't about hating trans men. I gave the people who should've been there for me the benefit of the doubt, and they proved me wrong. "Who do you think she believes is doing the seducing? It's trans women" I actually paid attention and she clearly blames trans men, why are you being this willfully ignorant? Does acknowledging the truth force you to reconsider your worldview?
Strike three.
That's when I ran out of patience. I realized the larger trans community was incapable of handling my issues with any tact or grace. We needed new terminology and rhetoric to address this emerging reactionary movement that specifically and obviously hates me and my brothers. And I refuse to back down now.
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Being aroace is coming out to your mother in front of her friends in the midst of a discussion about what being asexual or arromantic even means, because while you were trying to correct the assumptions made (basically asexuality is no libido ever and aromanticism sounds very suspicious and like asexual people are aro anyway, they don’t want relationships which like, what the basic uneducated allo thinks) giving away only that you’ve read on it an “us” slipped in and then everyone is like looking at you and you say
“well yes i’m asexual, so i know what i’m talking about”
and your mother is like “since when, i know you have like a working libido” (thanks mom thats more i ever wanted to know about you aknowloeging the fact i masturbate).
and you go like “from a year ago more or less”
and also she says “why didn’t you tell me? i fear you’re saying that because you feel disconnected from other people you need to trust more not evade yourself from reality”
and then someone, all the someones else are “oh, but if you have a libido you’re repressing, that’s celibacy” “really, no attraction at all? and what if you see someone cute?”
and you go “asexuality is lack of attraction not of sexual desire. and i think they aesthetically cute and move on with my life? there’s no need or impulse for something more?”
and they “but what if you’re like. attracted intelectually? sapiosexuality is a thing right”
and then you go again “then i want to talk and be friends? that doesn’t have anything to do with sexuality for most people?”
and you freak out and walk out almost crying after another round of the same, from your mother. and she walks away towards you. and well maybe your mother now thinks you’re an even bigger weirdo with attachement issues, but she respects the label bc celibacy and abstinenece and nirvana i guess, as she would respect if i were to be a monk or something (which. no. that’s not the thing. that’s not what it means mom why do you think that?)
and she goes “but really did you have to react so badly when everyone started asking questions and go out so dramatically? why are you so sad, aren’t gay or trans kids proud of coming out bc they’re secure on their identities?”
well mom. i’m pretty sure most were lowkey terrified and cried even if only of relief or something, but being asexual has just gotten me being condescended to by you bc you think is an option i’ll grow out off once i pass my twenties, and also maybe the fact of impulsively coming out in front of a lot of well-meannig clueless people asking lots of questions about why asexuality/aromanticism made no sense to them including you, felt invalidating to me, right?
i’m sure it had nothing to do with why i never told you although the word was on my radar since my mid teens-
maybe i can be irrationaly emotional about something that’s so personal being dissected in front of others when you’re also since i was a teen being worried about me being more “social, normal, assertive” and just before going to that lunch you told your early twenties daughter who has more than once broken down crying bc she doesn’t understand how to connect with people to act less autistic out of nowhere (i really am not on the spectrum i felt, but maybe on the adhd one) and quit with the serious face and the headphones and the avoidance.
maybe i came only partially came out, not that it matters to you when you already think asexuality is not wanting to ever be in a relationship, ever, so, the same of aromanticism, and i didn’t even try to explain more, bc i don’t want to be dissected by you and told “oh, you’re just an snowflake and the fact you cried on me means you’re unhappy with the label not like all those other out lgbt teens young adults i know, so like you just need to go to the psychologist like you were trying to do just after the pandemic and before, see if you have issues with the adhd or the inteligence or somehting”
thanks a lot mom.
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A Wee Bit of Writing
I haven’t written much lately, but I finally got around to getting out one of the many versions of trans Wardens in my head in honor of Pride month. I have a lot of feels about this Warden, in that in some ways he's like me, and in other ways, he's definitely not. This is one version of him (of course I have several, hush).
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Ficlet: A Wee Bit of Love
Rating: Teen & Up
Warnings: Small hints of lemons
Relationships: Male Brosca/Zevran Arainai
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Renn didn't know a lot about love. He knew his mother hadn't given him very much of it growing up, choosing instead to throw all her love and attention onto the older sister Rica, the pretty one who might actually draw the attention of a noble lord in Orzammar's Diamond Quarter who would seed her womb with a healthy male baby and lift them out of poverty. For a while, Renn had been jealous of his sister for that, and jealous of his sister's beauty, but then...well, then later it just didn't matter, and he wouldn't have taken all the beauty in the world.
His first lovers hadn't really been very loving, all told. His coupling with Leske had been more curiosity about learning what the fuss about sex was about, and though he got close to an orgasm once or twice, it always felt wrong in ways he couldn't even begin to imagine. The encounters with Beraht had been easier--*he* had always just wanted a mouth with a talented tongue wrapped around his cock, and didn't particularly care who it belonged to. Jarvia...well, Jarvia had felt wrong from the beginning, because her body kept reminding Renn about what was wrong with his own, so he'd usually just let Jarvia do what she needed and then left once the woman's drunken snoring echoed in the room.
By the time he gained his terrifying freedom on the surface, Renn knew almost nothing useful except how to swing an axe taller than he was and that he hated with his entire being the name his mother had given him, along with all the guilt and self-loathing it inspired. Renn--something short and easy to shout in a fight--was the only name he told Duncan, and it was the only name he gave to others.
Of course, how Duncan treated it did make him love the man a little. But then, how hard was it not to love a man who treated you with dignity, who had a gleam of understanding in his eye when you told him why you couldn't bear to look in the mirror or wear clothes that actually fit? He would always treasure the way Duncan had offered to cut the long locks his mother had insisted he maintain, obeying Renn's order to throw them in the fire without hesitation, and the way Duncan helped him craft an undergarment that wrestled his body into a shape he could handle. Surely that warm glow was love, though it felt more like what he felt for his sister than a lover.
But Duncan was dead, and Renn had been on the road for many of what the surfacers called moons, though he didn't quite understand how they could tell time by the changes in the largest of the white orbs in the sky. But then, he still didn't like looking up, even after a fortifying sip from the flask Oghren would sneak to him every week or so.
But the elf...there was something about the elf that left him warm inside. Not between his legs or thereabouts, but in his chest and his mind. Something about the elf's smile, about the way his hands would somehow find a way to linger on his wrist and palm when he helped him up after a fight was over, or the way the elf just seemed to understand when Renn needed a story or even just silent companionship... That all mattered. He suspected he would have accepted Zevran's not-so-subtle attempts to invite himself into Renn's tent by now if he wasn't so worried about what Zevran would think about him beneath his armor, but in the meantime it was fun to daydream, and wonder if this was what love felt like.
And then came the moment Renn had been dreading from the moment he first saw a blue sky: the inevitable return to Orzammar.
He didn't warn his companions. None of them knew that he'd had another name once, and he hoped that they wouldn't have to deal with those who remembered the Carta thug he had once been. At first, it seemed his wish had been granted--right up until they ran into a couple of his old comrades-in-crime while on the way into the tavern.
Naturally, maddeningly, the first word out of their mouth was his old name. It was enough to make Renn's stomach twist and his hands to clench into fists, but before he could react, Zevran stepped forward with a cheerful smile on his face.
"Renn," Zevran told them. "His name is Warden Renn Brosca."
"His name?" The henchman rolled his eyes. "So she's as crazy as--"
Before Renn could even cringe, or think, or speak, Zevran was already moving. The dwarf found himself slammed to his knees on the ground, forced to look upwards at the dagger point less than an inch away from his eye, as Zevran said in the same impeccably cheerful voice, "His name is Warden Renn Brosca. And the only reason you aren't dead is because you and your friend there are going to go tell anyone in Orzammar who might think differently that their memories need some correction, hmm?"
As the smell of urine permeated the air and the dwarf babbled a promise, Renn stared at Zevran with wide eyes. Once the two dwarves had stumbled away, Renn marched over to Zevran, grabbed his face, and hauled him down into a kiss. As their lips touched and Zevran's arms wrapped around him, it felt right in a way nothing really had before. In fact, it felt like love--the kind he'd read about in the books the Carta smuggled down from the surface and in the stories Leliana had told Renn at night under the stars to distract him from the wide open sky.
It felt like he'd finally found someone who saw Renn for who he really was, not what the world had been telling him to be since his birth.
And, as he pulled back and looked up into Zevran's gaze, a smile came to his face as he murmured, "Where's a tent when you need one?"
Zevran gave him a wink. "I'm a clever fellow. I'm sure we can improvise something even down here."
A statement, as it turned out, that Zevran was more than happy to prove true, and Renn was more than happy to confirm.
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I didn’t want to post more reddit images since it’s kind of just stealing content, but I was clued in about a particular user by @caturian and it is just downright alarming.
TW: This woman, unfortunately, has a teenage child who is trans or questioning. Some people may find the posts quite upsetting due to that.
But seriously. Her post history has it all. We’ve got a Trump-supporting, misogyny-enforcing, conspiracy theory supporting TERF here.
Part 1: The Conspiracy Theories
[Caption: A reddit post titled, “Big Pharma makes Big Donation to further trans narrative”. A user comment states, “Tl,dr; pharamaceutical company jacks up its prices for HIV medication, donates to trans organizations to distract from that fact”.]
[Caption: Parts of a long reddit post titled “Why is this all happening(trans explosion). It includes the phrases “I think much of this trans explosion is a direct backlash that started with Obama and Hillary’s candidacy”. OP also says, “All of this led to the pendulum to swing in the opposite direction with such force... we got trump. His over the top misogynistic and racist antics pushed the pendulum through the roof”]
So apparently Trump reacted to Obama and Hillary, and “TRA’s” are all reacting to Trump. Along with that, Big Pharma is trying to further the trans agenda.
Part 2: The Trump Support
Despite the fact that Trump is, and I quote, “over the top misogynistic and racist”, though... OP votes for trump.
[Caption: A reddit comment which says: “I have been a democrat voting lgbt supporting liberal all my adult life (more than 30 years now). I will vote republican in 2020. I despise Trump/Pence... but they at least acknowledge women exist as females. I can stand up and use my voice to fight against the patriarchy. But if you vote dem... we’ve already lost.., because we’re being erased. And they support that erasure. Trans ideology is FAR more misogynistic than conservatism.”]
So yeah. The trans movement is simultaneously Trump’s fault, and also something he will fix. Interesting mental acrobatics there! I guess his global gag rule on abortion rights and the fact his party is literally trying to enforce impossible procedures like reimplanting ectopic pregnancies is not as bad as people not fitting their gender roles!
Part 3: Medicalize ALL the transgenders!
[Caption: A post on r/detrans by this user, titled “Is detransition hard to maintain (like sobriety)?”. The post text is: “Is it hard not to re-transition... after you detransition (aka maintain sobriety)? Is it like alcoholism or drug addiction where you find yourself still feeling and fighting off urges to go back and be that addict or drunk or opposite sex lifestyle? Or once you’re out.... you’re out for good?”]
First, lets compare transition to addiction, that seems... inaccurate! Sadly, this is not the only post in which she compares transition to problems (her favourite appears to be comparison to anorexia, in typical GenderCrit fashion)
[Caption: A post on r/GenderCritical, titled “ADD/ADHD”. The text says: “I recently had a meeting with my 8th graders teachers. Every single one said that she was having trouble focusing and staying attentive and very often just daydreams in class. At first I thought it was due to the stress of this whole trans identity thing... that she was kind of checking out mentally. But maybe I have it backwards - maybe ADD is causing her to lean into the trans identity as a way to focus or something”]
She’s also inventing diagnoses that her kid doesn’t seem to have. Being inattentive in 8th grade apparently means being trans is a way to cope with ADD. Who would have known?
Part 4: Abuse your children!
[Caption: A comment on a post on r/GenderCritical by the user, with the following text: “My 14 year old daughter manipulated me into what she called a more “grown up” bedroom decor (curtains/bedspread etc) for her 14th birthday. THen a month later came out as transgender. I now see that she manipulated me into a more masculine decor. Keep a watchful eye... kids will lie and manipulate to get what they want. For me... it all depends on the headspace of the child. And 13 is a very young child. Like my teen wants to get a job. In normal circumstances... I would say awesome! But in her current headspace, she would likely use the money (her money) to try and access hormones.”]
That’s right, ladies, gentlemen and others, apparently wanting new curtains in “manipulating [your parents] into getting a more masculine decor”. Apparently getting a job is dangerous because a 14 year old is going to get black market hormones. So because this 14 year old Id’s as trans, I guess it’s reasonable to deny them financial stability/job experience, the right to decorate their room, and who knows what else.
[Caption: Another reddit comment by the same user, part of which reads: “But when my daughter, who looks so much like her grandma (my mom), doesn’t even want to be the human I raised... it feels like a stab in the heart. I keep the pain to myself... but I will never be the same. I am Forever broken.”]
Apparently, this trans boy is no longer “the human” that their mother raised, despite a) still being a human, b) still being the same person, and c) still being raised by their mother.
[Caption: Another post on detransition by this user. This post is long, the pictures segments read: “6 months ago, my 14 year old daughter suddenly declared trans status. Of course, she is not trans because no one is trans... as trans isn’t an identity, but rather only a coping mechanism for mental health issues. Just as drug addict or anorexia is not an identity... but only a coping mechanism for mental health problems. [...] We found [the daughter] a non tran affirming therapist who practices DBT therapy. And I made it a point to be there for her..., to be her rock and make sure that I love her, no matter what. WE have spent more time together in the last 6 months.., talking about anything other than gender... just life and school and friends etc. Over this Christmas break... she ditched the hoodies and is going out in public in just a t-shirt [party emojis]. She got several new hoodies for Christmas but isn’t wearing any of them. She also voluntarily with no pushing or even discussion from me.., shaved her legs. [party emojis].”]
So apparently it’s totally feminist for vote for Trump and deny others abortion rights, pressure your child with a therapist who doesn’t support the medically approved treatments for dysphoria, celebrate when your child does surface-level gender conformity like leg shaving...
And I love the hypocrisy - “I want to make her know I love her always, so I’ve taken her to conversion therapy and refuse to talk about gender... but it’s going well because she’s shaving her legs!”
That poor kid.
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i couldnt shut up about enderal right now if i wanted to so here’s that prophet ask meme with my prophetess fleur
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1. The basics – name, age, etc…
her name is fleur! i don’t know her last name but that’s okay because she’s kind of abandoned it. both of my vyn protags have line-of-sight, musically-inspired names so after that fuckin nightmare intro scene i had to name her as an homage to the song that was playing in my head the entire time it was happening (warning: disturbing imagery, abuse of some sort that is not shown but is strongly implied)
she’s 26 years old, half-kilean and bisexual.
2. Describe their appearance.
there’s a picture up there but a few other specifics: her hair is actually white, not just very light blonde, and she has blue eyes
3. How do they like to dress?
she jumps at the chance to wear nice clothes. she never got to back in ostian.
4. Do they have any markings (scars, tattoos, birthmarks)?
she has a few scars from a couple scuffles she got into back in nehrim. one of then is pretty gnarly-looking but it’s a diagonal from her lower chest to her left hip so once the events of enderal started rolling nobody who had seen it was still alive. word to the wise: don’t try to 1v1 a thunder lizard when you’re 14.
5. What are they like? Describe their personality (use whatever tools you like- MBTI, D&D alignment, astrological signs, Hogwarts house, words/phrases):
first of all, the only one of those tools that i have even a remotely decent grasp on is d&d alignment. she’s neutral-bordering-on-chaotic good. i don’t make characters with messages behind them (esp if they’re not for anyone’s consumption but mine) but hers would be “optimism with a dose of realism is probably the healthiest way to see the world”--she has the good sense to know when a situation or a person is beyond help but until that point she will try everything to help them. she desperately wanted to be wrong about adila and even as he was preparing his kamikaze attack she tried so hard to talk yuslan down.
to temper this, though, she takes things too seriously and she’s a bit of a crybaby (ok, not just a bit. alessia, my shadowgod, cried three times over the course of the entire main quest. fleur cried three times over the course of the very first quest that didn’t take place inside a trauma nightmare), although you could argue that she just has like. a normal human reaction to trauma, and everything that happens to her in enderal is EXTREMELY FUCKING TRAUMATIC.
since i have an easier time using tools like the ones described in the question to describe personalities, if she was a disney character she’d be rapunzel from tangled but less naive and with meaningful agency and if she was a social link/confidant in a persona game her card would be the star.
6. How would they describe themselves?
she has really low self-esteem but she doesn’t like. outright hate herself so she’s dismissive of any notion that she’s special or pretty. this probably sounds extremely sue-ish but a) i don’t give a fuck and b) every diy protagonist is at least kind of a mary sue simply because they’re the big special chosen one who all the romanceable companions have feelings for.
7. Education level?
uh. Not Any, Formally Speaking. School Of Hard Knocks. Worked For A Historian In Her Late Teens-Early Twenties And Learned Most Of What She Knows That Isn’t On The School Of Hard Knocks Curriculum That Way.
8. What are they proud of in themselves? What are they embarrassed about?
like the one notable talent that she’ll accept having is that she’s really smart and even before the Everything That Happened On The Ship Headed To Enderal she was a really quick learner.
she has ZERO prior experience with romance (she’s not in any way aromantic, she’s just never been in a romantic relationship) and she doesn’t like to tell people that, especially people she likes. she feels like they’ll think there’s something seriously wrong with her and that’s why she’s never been in a romantic relationship at age 26.
9. Do they know any languages other than Inal?
she knows like. kindergarten-level kilean.
10. What, if any, aspects of their mother’s culture influenced them growing up?
she didn’t really “grow up” with her parents, they died when she was six, but she has a strong belief in the importance of diplomacy and that’s pure Mom right there.
11. Name a song (or a few) that remind you of them.
i hope you like obscure musicals and vocaloid because that’s what you’re getting
In All My Dreams I Drown - The Devil’s Carnival Cast
Starchild - Ghost Quartet
Tears To Shed - Corpse Bride
Ever Lasting Night - Hitoshizuku-P (specifically the Miku character)
Lemonade - Sophie (sorry 4 mood whiplash)
12. Speaking of songs, can they sing? What is their voice like? How about instruments?
she’s hopeless with instruments but she’s not a bad singer by any means. sorry 4 relentless youtube links but she kind of sounds like Gelsey Bell
13. What was their life like before coming to Enderal?
it wasn’t good, i’m not going to lie. she and sirius spent a pretty decent amount of time roughing it because towns and cities kind of got progressively more dangerous as time went on, and Because Of Reasons I Won’t Go Into Here they both had pretty good reasons to avoid anyone affiliated with the temple of the creator
14. How did they decide to leave Nehrim?
it was too fuckin dangerous to try to make a life there anymore
15. Describe their relationship with Sirius.
they were siblings in all senses but blood. he got her out of a pretty bad situation when they were kids and she just stuck with him until they had been through so much together there was no other way for them to describe their relationship than “family”
16. Who do they blame for what happened to their family?
herself. survivor’s guilt is a hell of a drug and it doesn’t help that things only got worse afterward. she like. knows the temple did it, but since she doesn’t know why she’ll always wonder if there was something she could have done to stop it.
17. Apart from stowing away, have they ever broken the law?
she would be considered an accomplice to murder because she helped hide a body once (don’t worry, the victim without question deserved it)
18. How honest are they? Under what circumstances would they lie?
basically the only person she directly lies to is herself; if she’s dishonest, it’s usually by omission. the rare occasions she does outright lie it’s usually to protect someone or because there’s no way anyone would believe the truth.
19. Worst memory(s)? Best memory(s)?
Too Heavy For This Post and uhhhh. getting to spend time with her two BFFs/crushes on the Gertrude before everything started really going to shit was an extremely good memory for her.
20. Fight, or flight?
fight unless they’re like. demonstrably stronger. running away from an enemy she had a chance of defeating has always just come back to bite her. she wanted to fight the steel bird in the star city.
21. Describe their combat style.
Best Defense Is A Good Offense, Also Axes = Good. (original playthrough was greataxes and heavy armor but i’ll probably switch to war axes and light armor [or unarmored if i can swing it] when the steam release drops because apparently half-kileans are equivalent to bretons in normal skyrim terms and i can’t abide having played a heavy armor + two-handed breton twice)
22. Have they ever killed before? What is their reaction to combat?
she’s hunted animals but she’d never done more to a human than injure them enough to scare them off prior to enderal. she tries to only harm people in self-defense and may have cried a little bit (ok, quite a bit) after she had to kill firespark.
23. How do they react to having magical abilities? Do they use them?
magic makes her head feel “gross” somehow (read: she’s uniquely sensitive to arcane fever) so she doesn’t use it
24. What do they think of Enderal?
the scenery’s beautiful but the fact that it’s a theocracy and the notion of being stuck on a certain “path” depending on the circumstances of your birth freaks her out for reasons of “hey remember the oppressive religious regime that was responsible for all of your childhood trauma and continued to make your life hell before a mysterious trans power couple plus their direct superior group of outsiders instigated a rebellion that brought the whole thing down? now it controls the whole continent and everyone thinks it’s Good, Actually”
25. Did they do the Biggest Egg Hunt Ever quest?
she would have if my dumb ass hadn’t completely fuckin spaced it out and forgotten about it until it was too late. next playthrough, i swear.
26. How do they feel about joining the Order? What do they think of Arantheal?
she was not in favor of it (see: opinion of theocracies) and basically clung to the green shirts until she was inducted as a keeper. arantheal makes her uneasy but the threat of looming armageddon does a lot to help her shove that uneasiness to the side.
27. What is their opinion of the gods (or lack thereof)?
she’s not inherently against the gods but she doesn’t like organized religion
28. Wine, or pipe?
wine!
29. Do they spare or arrest Hallys, the farmer-turned-bandit in the quest, Deus Ex Machina? Why?
she arrested him after she found out where the money really came from. if it hadn’t been Stolen From A Fucking Food Bank she probably would have let him go.
30. What are their feelings and opinions about the Undercity?
uh...she hates that ark has a “slum district out of sight of the Good And Honorable Rich People” because having been poor and homeless basically until she came to enderal she can’t help but empathize with the residents of the undercity.
31. How do they react to the beggars of Ark?
if tumblr doesn’t stop refreshing the page and deleting my answers every time i switch tabs to look at the wiki or change the song i’m listening to i’m going to throw my laptop off the porch.
she usually reacts by sparing some change because she can relate
32. Where and how do they spend their time when in Ark?
she really likes the museum in the south quarter. she likes learning stuff and looking at relics of the past.
33. What would they do with three wishes?
just...stop the fuckin cycle
make the black stones inert so nobody else gets hurt because of them
this is basically deliberate repression so it’s 100% unhealthy but she would gladly wish to forget everything that happened before she was seven if it would put an end to the nightmares
34. How do they feel about death? Do they fear it?
uh. yes. she very bigly fears death. she kind of had a complete breakdown after the keeper exam until calia reassured her that just because she heard something during her harrowing doesn’t mean it’s true.
35. What (else) do they fear?
deep water (predates game events). also i dont know if it’s necessarily a fear but she hates being surprised.
36. Do they have any secrets?
uh. Yeah. her dad really was as bad as the dreams show. a few other things.
37. How is their behavior around people they like? People they dislike?
she’s about as friendly and affectionate as her shyness will allow with people she likes. it takes a LOT for her to be actively hostile but she’ll only attempt like. the barest superficial politeness to people she dislikes.
38. What is their relationship with the companions? Who, if anyone, did your prophet romance?
they’re her very good friends who she is also crushing on hard. yeah, both of em. she ended up with jespar kind of by default because i wasn’t making an effort to specifically target either of them but i kind of like the contrast between them so i’m gonna leave that in the Canon Playthrough Bin.
39. Was there any non-companion character that they were close to? That they particularly disliked?
does ryneus count? she would have taken him back to the sun temple and had the few green shirts left alive help her build some method of locomotion for him if she could have. also she had a crush on lishari. she didn’t have anyone she strongly disliked other than obvious shitbirds like taranor.
40. How do they feel about myrads?
she thinks they’re Big Cute Dog Monster Boys
41. What dreams or ambitions did they have before coming to Enderal? What about afterwards?
she wanted to be an archaeologist! she kind of got to do archaeologist stuff during her time in enderal but she wishes that she’d been able to do it without an apocalyptic sword of damocles hanging over her
42. Do they like cities? Or do they prefer the country? Is there a region of Enderal that they like or dislike more than the others?
she doesn’t necessarily dislike city life because she often gets lonely so living somewhere with a big population is always a tempting thought, but if she could take everyone she loves and go live somewhere peaceful where there’s no oppressive government or looming apocalypse she would.
her ideal Cottage Away From All The Bad Things would be in the goldenforst but she loves the crystal forest even though if she gets too close to the crystals it makes her feel like her brain is trying to vibrate out of her skull.
43. What do they do to lower their considerable stress?
go on walks in one of the numerous beautiful locations in enderal. take apart inactive mechanical constructs and try to understand their inner workings from their guts. press flowers.
44. Describe their perfect day off.
wake up from a nightmare-free sleep (you said “perfect”), go on a nice walk around the city (paying a visit to the museum of course!), meet up with her friends and find something fun to do that won’t put them in mortal danger, get drunk at the dancing nomad when it gets too dark for wandering around outside the city to be a good idea, and then watch the stars.
45. List three of their favorite things. Three things they hate?
likes:
sugar bread
the color gold
nice scenery
dislikes:
cooked cabbage
mead
bugs
46. What’s in their pockets?
emergency healing potion
herbs for making another emergency healing potion
at least one apple
random flowers that look cool
a ton of those vendor trash crystal coins you find in pyrean ruins. she just thinks they’re neat!
47. Pets? Mounts? Treasured possessions?
she’s never really had a lot she could hold on to and the thought of prizing a short-lived animal or an item that’s easy to lose is frightening.
48. How are their cooking skills?
NOT FUCKIN GOOD
(she can cook meat alright but anything more complex than that? no)
49. Do you consider any particular quest or side quest to be definitive for your prophet? Which one(s) and why?
i bulldozed through the main quest on my first playthrough; i’ll probably be able to answer this question better once the steam release drops and i can replay the game.
50. How forgiving are they? For example, if they were yelled at in a brothel after searching high and low for this little sh*t, how would they react?
first of all, everyone has a different reaction to traumatic experiences and sometimes that reaction isn’t “palatably sad and helpless” so jot that down. that being said, fleur was extremely upset about that because a) she’s also not an “uwu soft helpless cinnamon roll” kind of trauma survivor, b) some of what he said was generally hurtful, and c) that entire mission had already been one big long anxiety attack
but she’s too hyperempathetic to hold a grudge, especially when a) she knows where the person who hurt her was coming from, b) she gets a sincere apology, and c) she is more than a little in love with the person doing the apologizing.
51. What do they think of the Veiled Woman?
uh. mixed feelings. for what it’s worth, her feelings are mixed because they started out negative and then once she actually got to talk to the veiled woman her opinion strongly improved but like...sirius still died right in front of her because of this woman’s actions so they’ll never be fully positive.
52. If they had been a victim of one of the black stones, how would it have affected them? What would they have used its power to accomplish?
[slams huge portfolio of ideas i’ve had about this exact scenario on your desk] well y’see fleur as she is in canon is a brand of yandere that only technically qualifies as such: she won’t kidnap or murder people who reject her advances, but...uh...don’t harm her loved ones and expect mercy.
fleur under the influence of the black stones...well. it’d be very much like this except not Literally Directed Toward A Fucking Relative. esp the “well you found out now all i can hope for from you is to see your face one last time as you kill me” ending. not quite full yuno gasai love-me-or-i’ll-slaughter-you giggling while hacking someone up but. you know. Something Adjacent.
53. What was their reaction to the Black Guardian’s revelations? Do they accept or reject his offer?
she just kind of emotionally shut down. it was a lot to take in, esp for her. she took him up on his offer because by that point she was desperate for everything she’d gone through to mean something.
54. How does their story end?
credits rolled on her sitting on the edge of the star city with jespar. while the credits rolled i was staring into the void thinking about my life. not sure if that’s canon, next playthrough i’m gonna do a hard save before the final decision point and see if catharsis leaves me feeling less empty inside.
55. Do they change over the course of the story? In what ways?
she becomes a lot more confident and sure of herself and even though she never stops being an optimist she learns to stop setting herself on fire to keep others warm.
56. Anything else you’d like to share about them?
she’s so cautiously positive because she was written as a foil to my shadowgod alessia, a textbook nihilist who only got worse after the events of nehrim.
57. Bonus: For you- what are you most excited for in Forgotten Stories?
VEILED WOMAN BACKSTORY
#this took me literally nine hours to finish#tbf one of those hours i was in class#enderal#uh. canon-typical triggering content within.
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An Interview with Samantha Baker
Samantha Baker was born and raised in the suburbs of Chicago in 1968. She was the second oldest of four children - two sisters and a brother. In her family home, she lived with her mom, dad, and siblings. She experienced the classic stuff a teen went through in the 80s: embarrassment, disgust, first love, as well as boys being very forward and not being able to take a hint. Today, Baker lives her life as a loving mother, wife, and health teacher at her local high school. We sat down with her recently to catch up with her and see where she is now in 2021, as well as have her speak on some of her experiences growing up as a teenage girl in the 80s when it came to boys and how she feels about those experiences now.
Hello, Ms. Baker. Thank you for taking time out of your schedule and doing this interview with me.
SB: It’s no problem at all. Thank you for having me.
So, it has been almost 40 years since you graduated high school. That’s a pretty significant anniversary. Is there any time during your high school years that sticks out to you the most or that you remember the most fondly?
SB: A time during high school that I remember the most? Hmm… the number one thing that comes to mind is my sixteenth birthday. My sixteenth birthday was something I had been looking forward to since I was twelve years old. I had it all planned out: a big party with tons of people, a boyfriend, a brand new black Trans Am waiting for me in the driveway. That birthday is one I will never be able to forget, which is funny because all of my family actually forgot it was my birthday on the day of my birthday. I couldn’t believe it. I spent that entire day waiting for any of them to acknowledge me and wish me well, sing to me, anything! But I didn’t get a single thing! It was right around the time my older sister was getting married and everyone was so focused on her that they completely forgot about me. In fact, the only surprises I got that day were my grandparents asking me invasive questions and their Chinese exchange student that I didn’t know about popping up in my room. It completely freaked me out! There was a school dance that night at the school gym and they actually made me bring him along with me. During that time I had a huge crush on this senior named Jake Ryan. He was the main thing that I wanted, but he was already dating this other popular girl, Caroline, who was gorgeous, and blonde, and perfect. I thought I didn’t stand a chance. Well anyway, fast forward to the school dance, I’m watching Jake and Caroline slow dancing. I felt horrible. But then all of a sudden he looks at me, looks away, and then looks back again. It completely took me by surprise and I had to turn away. When I turned around this nerdy kid was right in my face and started making moves on me. It terrified me. He grabbed me and started dancing with me… well… more like dancing around me. He kept touching me and speaking really creepily in my ear. I was not having a good time.
Oh God, that does not sound pleasant at all.
SB: It was embarrassing! When he was too preoccupied with his dancing and wasn’t paying attention to me, I ran out of the gym as fast as I could. Once I got into the hallway, I remember sliding down the wall and crying. I was pretty dramatic back then, but I mean, what teenager isn’t? I saw the guy I had a huge crush on dancing with his girlfriend that I felt completely inferior to and this nerdy kid wouldn’t leave me alone. Anyway, I cleaned myself up and made my way back into the gym to where my friends were and this kid came up to me again! My friends kinda messed with him to the point where he started looking away and rambling, which I took as a time to escape from him… again. I made my way to the auto shop so I could be by myself and he somehow found me AGAIN! He was really relentless.
That sounds like a nightmare. Did you ever figure out a way that made him leave you alone?
SB: Kind of. I was sitting in this car that was missing it’s entire back half when he found me. For whatever reason, which I’m still not sure the reason behind, I unlocked the door for him and let him sit next to me. He makes a comment on how great the night is and I explain to him that it’s my birthday, and eventually find myself going on a rant about how the day did not live up to my expectations whatsoever. I think he started to feel bad and decided to cheer me up by telling me a secret of his. He told me that he had never actually been able to get a girl. Shocking isn’t it? Anyway, he made a comment I can’t quite remember but whatever it was it made me burst out laughing. I guess I made him feel bad and apologized. I guess he took that as a sign to make another move on me. He started to climb on top of me, bumping the car horn, and I had to yell at him and push him off of me. He sat back down and looked upset. I told him not to worry about it, and he took that as a sign AGAIN to get on top of me, which resulted in me reacting the same way as before. I pushed him off and scolded him again. Somehow we were able to get to having a normal conversation about my own nonexistent love life and I told him how I was saving myself for someone in particular, Jake. To my surprise he told me that Jake had asked him about me! I’m sure you can imagine how excited I was about that. He kind of hypes me up and convinces me to find Jake and talk to him. I don’t know how I was able to turn my night around with this kid but somehow it ended up working in my favor. I’ve been going on and on about this night, so to make a long story a bit shorter, I’ll just say that on my sixteenth birthday my family forgot my birthday, but I ended up knowing my crush might like me back and ended up giving my underwear to the creepy kid so that he could prove a point to his friends. And that’s all I’ll say about that.
Woah. That’s a big turn around from where the night started with you two. When telling that story, you mentioned multiple times how the kid kept making advances towards you when you repeatedly would reject him. That is something that a lot of people, especially young girls and women, experience many times throughout life. What do you think is the reason behind why he wouldn’t stop making those advances on you when you repeatedly showed no interest?
SB: Obviously I cannot speak for him specifically, but I think there were a few factors that played into why he and other boys and men that act this way do what they do. I believe that the movies and shows kids are exposed to play a major part in what they deem right or wrong. You know, this was the ‘80s. There were so many movies being made at that time that had so many questionable and distasteful messages that downplayed or completely disregarded how unacceptable behavior like that is. I turned sixteen in 1984, which is the same year movies like Revenge Of The Nerds came out. At the time, movies were being created that didn’t reprimand the behavior of men and boys that behaved in the manner of the characters in those movies. The characters were always seen as the hero of the movie, despite them doing horrible things. I think because of that, a lot of boys and men believed that it was acceptable to act like that, when it’s most certainly not okay.
Being in a high school setting in today’s world must be very different to how it used to be when you were in high school. More people are being vocal about social issues and movements like #MeToo are making themselves more prevalent. Do you actively talk about those topics in your classes and if so, how are the topics handled?
SB: We absolutely talk about current events in my classes. Being a health teacher, it would be irresponsible to not cover issues like sexual assault and harassment along with the rest of my curriculum. Typically in my classes I will bring up a topic one day, ask my students what they know about the topic, sometimes watch a clip from a show or movie that touches on the subject and always have a discussion afterwards. I might show clips from movies like Animal House (1978), for example, that show acts that are inexcusable and should never be done. It allows for there to be a visual example of the issue at hand and makes it easier to ease into the topic for my students. I will sometimes also show clips from shows like I May Destroy You (2020), to show how different victims might handle or cope with these situations. I try to allow my kids to have access to all the information they need when it comes to serious and sensitive topics such as this.
You mentioned Revenge Of The Nerds and Animal House, two movies that are now looked down upon for some of their questionable plot lines and scenes. Nowadays these movies would be what some might consider “canceled”. What are your thoughts on Cancel Culture and do you also discuss it with your students?
SB: Cancel Culture is a big topic these days. As someone who grew up when the movies mentioned were coming out, there were a lot of things that society was okay with then that are now seen as offensive or insensitive. I think Cancel Culture is a difficult subject, especially when it comes to things that were created or stated during a time when certain topics and actions were deemed acceptable. I believe we should acknowledge the bad and harmful elements of the past and use them as examples of what not to do in the future. There are certain things I have said or acted on that I now know are not correct, and I feel that we should treat the media the same. No one’s perfect, that’s a fact, but it’s important to speak on issues that can cause other people emotional and/or physical pain. These issues should not be taken lightly.
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Original Female Character: Ashley Burton
For @omgcpwomenfest Friday March 10
Original Female Character day.
Oh, Ashley. Now, if you haven’t read Actually, I Do Make the Rules, you should probably go do that first. As Ashley is the mother of another OC that shows up in the fifth story in the series, this does contain some spoilerish stuff for that and you might want to go read that first. For those who have read it, Ashley is Theo’s mother.
More behind the cut. Warnings for teen pregnancy, the kind of dubious consent that happens when kids the same age don’t know shit about sex (it’s complicated, but neither of them would call it rape, and it’s not explicitly described,) the aftermath, and spoilers for Broken Rules. Ashley’s story is not a particularly happy one.
Also, contains references to a trans character who is misgendered on purpose for protective reasons because the person doing the knowing misgendering doesn’t have permission to out him to his mother.
Ashley was raised in a Southern Baptist family, which moved to Rhode Island from Georgia when she was ten. They didn’t so much leave Georgia as bring it with them.
She spent every summer at a church camp in Western Massachusetts. She was a pretty, ordinary girl, and never really thought of herself as much of a rebel, but she met Simon when she was 12. They became fast friends, and while being a teenager sucked, looking forward to camp got her through her Mama’s lectures and her Daddy’s anger. Each summer she would escape to trees and canoes and giggling slumber parties and yeah, there was some dramatic bullshit from the other girls because there was always dramatic bullshit from the other girls, but she just rolled with it.
And Simon was the actual best. When all the thirteen-year-old girls in her cabin were PMS-ing at once, she escaped the snarling to sit with him on the dock at the lake, just talking. He listened to her like no one had ever listened, and she listed to him in turn, and he always, always felt safe.
They became camp counselors the year they turned 15, and with that came more freedom than they’d ever had. Both of them had reputations as “good kids,” and by the beginning of the next summer, they had more freedom than either of them had ever had in their lives. They’d been close for two summers. Neither was allowed social media, and in 2002, for a couple of teenagers living with conservative Christian parents, it wasn’t all that strange. Writing letters wasn’t really an option because their parents were the sort who would read all mail, and her father would want to know everything. Running the risk of being banned from camp wasn’t worth a few letters.
It was the last week of camp, almost the last day, the summer she was 16, and they’d made their way down to the dock by the light of a full moon so bright they didn’t even bother with a flashlight.
She’d been the one to strip off her clothes and dive into the water, still warm from the sun, the humid air holding heat far into the evening. He’d been stunned, but eventually followed, and they’d swum out to the big rock in the middle of the lake.
They’d kissed, before, and they kissed then, and then things led to things and while she knew they hadn’t talked about much, she also knew it hadn’t been Simon pushing things along. Not that either of them was doing much thinking at that point.
When it was over, she smiled at him, shy, and he looked vaguely horrified, and the bubble of safety she’d felt with him seemed to pop completely.
“I have to go to sleep,” she’d said, sliding back into the water. “It’s a busy day tomorrow.”
He’d started to say, “I’m sorry,” but she dove off the ledge under the water and swam in powerful strokes to reach the shore before the words could finish coming out of his mouth.
He’d followed, and tried to say something about how he hadn’t meant to lead her into sin, and she’d just rolled her eyes, put on her clothes, and walked away.
It would be 20 years before they’d speak again, when she’d run into him in a park in Providence, watching a curly-haired blonde boy shrieking with laughter on a swing while a blonde young man pushed the child up and up again.
He’d changed, shoulders thicker, face grown up, babyfat gone, but the kindness in his eyes was still there. It wasn’t that, though, that really caught her attention, but the way he’d tipped his head when he laughed at the little boy jumping off the swing.
She was on her way home from work, and she stared at him for a full minute before he’d noticed she was there.
She knew she looked different. Stress had drawn lines on her face, age had dimmed her hair and bleach had not quite done the job she’d wanted it to do, to put the light back into it. But she’d worn ponytails often enough at camp, and rarely makeup, and so maybe she hadn’t changed all that much, because his eyes widened and he was on his feet as soon as he saw her. His eyes darted back to the child and the young man behind him, and slid away, and all she could do was stare at him as he walked over.
“Cinders?” he said, his voice a much deeper baritone than she’d remembered.
“Simon says,” she murmured.
He stared at her another moment and then held his arms open.
She blinked back tears and accepted the hug, and then pulled back.
“I know,” he said.
“You know?”
“About the baby you had. My baby. About everything.”
She put her hand over her mouth. “Have you seen her? Is she okay?”
He hesitated, and then said, “Yeah, doing great. In college now. Has a trust fund, even.”
“And... the baby? No one told me what happened to it. I don’t even know if it was a boy or a girl.”
His eyes flicked over and then back to her and he said, “He’s just fine. He’s been adopted, and his parents adore him.”
“Do they let you... do they let you see him?”
At that, he laughed. “You could say that. Yes, I see them both, often.”
“I didn’t know what to do,” she said. “My daddy...”
“Suzanne told me,” Simon explained. “When she found me, she said you didn’t tell me because you were afraid your father would kill me.”
“I thought I’d done something against your will, and the idea of him hurting you after that...” She looked down at the ground. “I didn’t want to ruin both of us.”
“Against my... Ash, no. We were kids. No one told us anything like what we needed to know to stay out of trouble. I only reacted the way I did because I felt like I’d done something wrong to you, that I’d hurt you, that I’d ruined you. I still worry that I did.”
She shook her head. “I’m adult enough now to know where the fault lies. I should have told you about Shelly. I should have let you have the choice to be involved. Maybe I wouldn’t have...” Her hand came up to her mouth, and she sobbed. “I don’t think I knew how to be a good mother to her. I tried, and I failed, and I really hurt her.”
“You did hurt...her,” Simon said quietly. “And maybe, someday, she might be willing to sit down with you and let you apologize. But there’s a lot we’d have to talk about, first, things you’d need to understand about who she is and the life she’s living now.”
“I just wanted to keep her on a path with God, so that she wouldn’t make the mistakes I made, and when she said she was pregnant... Oh god, I did to her what my daddy did to me, didn’t I?”
“The difference is that she ended up where she needed to be, with people who could support her through the process and help her get to where she wanted to be. And you... didn’t.”
“I’m working. I’m surviving.” She wasn’t looking at him.
He pulled a cell phone out of his pocket, and said, “Can I get your number? I don’t want to lose track, and if our child is willing to give you a chance, I’d be more than willing to help make that happen.”
She glanced up at him and then took the phone, entering her number in, and sending herself a text.
She bit her lips and said, “I missed you, you know. Every day.”
“Yeah,” he said. He took the phone back, and glanced back over his shoulder again.
“I... You probably have plans,” she said. “I need to get home.”
“I do have plans, but please, do send me a message. Or I can message you?”
She smiled, a small, worried smile. “I think I’d like that.”
“Good.” His smile was genuine, and for a moment, she could see the boy she’d fallen in love with, so long ago.
She swallowed back a wave of emotion that threatened to swamp her, and walked away.
She looked back once, just before the park was out of sigh, to see Simon picking up the little four year old child and tossing him up in the air, and then handing him back to the other man. Her hand came up to her mouth, and she thought about going back, about asking if that child was her grandson, and then she thought about what he’d said, and what she’d done, and she turned, and walked away.
As she was locking the deadbolt on her front door, and hanging her purse up on the hat rack, her phone buzzed in her pocket.
#Mine#OMGCP#OFC#The Rules series#Ashley Burton#CW: misgendering#cw: teen pregnancy#omgcpwomenfest#short fic#character backstory
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