WELL???? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE THE REST OF MY DAY AFTER THAT????

I Feel You Linger in the Air, episode 11:

I didn't write about episode 10 last week due to life circumstances; I know my dear friends @lurkingshan and @neuroticbookworm took issue with the ways in which pieces of the narrative from episode 9 were left on the ground. I was feeling basic last week and enjoyed the soapy drama arcs, but I do agree with Shan and NBW that last week's episode was a touch watery and wanting.

NOT THIS ONE.

THIS EPISODE? Y'all know I've been mostly watching older series this year. Of NEW series that I've watched this year? With the caveat that I haven't watched La Pluie yet, this episode 11 of IFYLITA may be the single best episode of a new series I've seen this year. WHY?

Tee Bundit let this story tell itself. No interference. He let Nonkul and Bright take the lift, and tell the script TO US. THEY ARE CIPHERS. They let the emotion of this moment, the MOMENT THEY ARE HOLDING ON TO AS YAI AND JOM, TELL THIS STORY.

MY GOD. THE ROOM WE HAD TO EXPLORE ALL OF THE EMOTIONS.

Oh god! Every time they met together, the controlled intensity, the KNOWING of the time they had left, and still! Yai flirting with Jom in the bed as Jom is drawing his portrait! We coulda had tears! No, Yai just jumped him instead!

Jom sees Yai standing in the garden! Back hug, chin snuggle! These two are ENJOYING ALL OF THEIR EMOTIONS TOGETHER, knowing what little time they have left. They are not leaving ANYTHING on the table in terms of their interactions. They're not gonna sit in the corner and sob! THEY WILL LIVE AND LOVE THE REST OF THEIR DAYS TOGETHER.

That dance scene. The leaning in. The emotion of foreheads touching. The achievement of Jom to get a moment of equality for the house servants, to not work, to be friends all together in one room, to transcend caste and wealth, to be accepting of Yai and Jom's love, Jom coordinating for Yai a moment where Yai can be out and safe, as Jom was in his future life, around people that love them together.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Also, god. The Eaung Paeng storyline. As a mom, I am gritting my teeth and hoping for the DAMN best for EP, because she deserves the best. I do not want anything happening to EP. 1928 -- not necessarily a year I think of as a high point for women's healthcare. Carrying the baby of a man you hate? Probably the worst-case life scenario I could possibly think of.

Shit, y'all, this episode took me OUT. @slayerkitty! I don't easily cry at shows, but I SOBBED.

I'm just blubbering. Best work I've ever seen by Tee Bundit, and I've seen almost all of it this year. Episode 12 will be hard to top; if it doesn't top this episode, I can't exactly blame Tee, because this was an artistic HEIGHT.

P.S. @lurkingshan IS RIGHT. This will TAKE YOU OUT if you're an Eternal Yesterday/Eien no Kinou girlie like me.

anyway in canon kushina tells naruto he should marry a girl like her, so i think naruto comes home one day and is like "i like sakura-chan. she is the prettiest girl in class, and she's super smart, and i caught her giggling at my prank even though she pretends to be teacher's pet, and and and" and kushina is like omg it's happening. sakura is 1. the girl with the weird hair. 2. apparently bullied over the shape of her face?? 3. yelled at naruto for setting off a stink bomb in the hall. this is just kushina 2.0: the perfect girl for naruto. except no she's NOT because her bullies just make her CRY?????? she needs to be tougher!!!

kushina, seemingly randomly: sakura-chan should hit people

minato: um. what

kushina: the girl in naruto's class. the one he likes. she should hit people

minato:

minato: i mean, not in class?

The power of human heart is very strong. OH NO! HERE COMES TROUBLE l 不良執念清除師 (2023) dir.- LIN KUAN HUI

Give me your hand. A kiss?

Soooo...

I've been struggling to write.

And, ah... I might have started writing a new story.

Involving a demisexual/reciprosexual human and an orc that owns a sex store. Like one with a theater in the back.

idk why I'm fascinated by these highly sexual settings.

Going to put my explanation/ideas beneath a read more.

The story I have in mind is going to have tons of sexual tension and awkwardness and not really any moneyshots - *ba dum tiss* - until later. Both are aware they're very different people and keep misreading (or believing they're misreading) signals that the other is throwing out. lol

None of this is canon yet, but I imagine the orc is used to sex just being this thing that happens. Part of him wants it to mean something, but between the sex shop and his past, it's usually just a delightful thing that happens except in few cases where it was more than physicality.

The human is just out of a long-term relationship and exploring who she is. However, unlike other versions of this in my stories, there's going to be some time jumps and the bulk of the story is a little later, when she's kind of figured her own shit out a bit more.

Like legit she goes by a shortened version of her name and gets hired on at the shop. It's not until he literally sees her full name on the tax document after she's hired that he realizes she's this person from x months (maybe a year?) ago that he accompanied to his shop's theater.

Also toying with the idea of there being a bit of an age gap between them. She's going to think he's cool and has experience in things she can only fantasize about. Meanwhile, he's over here thinking she believes he's sleazy and perverted and maybe a little too rough around the edges.

Thoughts, feelings, concerns?

episode 5 has left me considering the different - and similar - ways taeyoung and kwonsook think about themselves, and how they respond to pain/violence.

kwonsook calls herself a monster, someone who goes crazy in the boxing ring. that monster, she says, was created by her father, and her father used abuse, violence, and emotional manipulation to create that monster. he didn’t treat her like human, so it’s no surprise that the way she talks about herself when she boxes is as if she’s discussing an animal: she gets cornered, gets scared for her life, and lashes out to kill. she calls herself a monster with resignation; it’s not what she wanted to be, but she knows it’s what she was. she ran away to escape that monstrosity, to live as a human, doing good things, but that part of her never really died.

taeyoung, too, calls himself a monster. he’s a SOB, he does thing no one with an ounce of humanity would do. he seemingly has no qualms about what he does, perhaps because he can always justify it to himself, always has an exit prepared for when things really get bad (until, i’m sure, he doesn’t). like kwonsook, taeyoung accepts the label of monster, accepts his own inhumanity, even if they are inhuman in very different ways. whereas kwonsook wants to break away from that monstrous part of her - she’s only returned so she can free herself from that part of herself permanently (and if she finds a way to box without a monster, then...) - taeyoung embraces it. it’s through being a monster that he’s found success, how he secures futures for his athletes, and how he’s able to ‘solve’ their (and his) issues. monstrosity was not imposed on taeyoung, but (due to what we know so far) is something he chose for himself (although the factors surrounding this part of his past are decidedly murky).

in this episode, taeyoung and kwonsook also demonstrate similar responses to violence and (emotional) pain. when taeyoung upsets kwonsook by working with her father behind her back, he offers her an outlet for her anger by punching him. later on, after ahreum has already slapped kwonsook, instead of lashing out, kwonsook offers to let ahreum hit her again if it will make her feel better. in parallel responses, both ahreum and kwonsook debate taking that opportunity to hurt, but decide not to (kwonsook because she’s taking a chance on taeyoung, or moreso giving him another one, and ahreum because she decides that she doesn’t owe kwonsook that, that kwonsook is beneath her in terms of boxing, no longer on her level). 

kwonsook learned to respond to pain at a young age. in boxing, you can’t flinch from the hit - you have to learn how to take the pain, absorb it, and get back up to hit again. outside of the rink, kwonsook absorbs the pain, but she doesn’t hit again. she’s experienced firsthand what her hits can do to people, and that terrified her. after all, she only boxed so that she could protect her mother. so when confronted with violence and pain, she takes the hit, because pain is what she knows and understands. it’s the emotions behind it that are hard for her. pain is easy for kwonsook, because she’s used to living through it, surviving it; beneath it, she’s always empty. she’s never really cared about boxing; it was what she had to do. the lee kwonsook that was a boxing genius was a monster she ran from, after all. but in order to break away from that monster, she has to come to understand the emotional investment of her fellow female boxers. before, they were just her opponents, never her friends, but now she has to face their own feelings about the sport, the passion they have for boxing that she never felt. like ara said, she didn’t feel happiness about winning, and kwonsook has never lost, so she’s never had to live with that humiliation, either. how her feelings will change in relation to boxing will likely be a reckoning for her.

taeyoung, on the other hand, is confronting his fair share of non-boxing sanctioned boxing. even though kwonsook is the boxer, it’s taeyoung who’s been touched by ‘true’ violence in this present timeline. his life is quite literally on the line, which has been shown again and again. he’s been ambushed by her father, threatened, blackmailed, and beaten up by chairman nam’s guys. he lives on the edge, anxious at every shadow, which is chewing him alive. to him, kwonsook’s anger is much easier to deal with. he knows she might hurt him, but his potential to hurt her is so much more (and if he does, in that case he’d find her anger justified, and probably let her beat him to death or something if what we’ve seen of his feelings for her is an indication of anything), and she might hurt him, but she’d never hurt him as much as other people in his life at the moment would (i.e. by killing him, or hurting the people he cares about). taeyoung is used to weathering the storm of other people’s dislike; he’s the scumbag, and he does bad things, deserves other people’s anger when it’s directed at him. 

both taeyoung and kwonsook want to resolve things through violence. i think it’s telling that despite being two emotionally aware people, they both consider other people’s feelings to be so easily taken care of. they want the quick, instant pain, and then they want to get it over with. because the violence is what they’re used to, and to a degree it’s what they both think they deserve. however, what lies beneath that, what doesn’t go away with a single hit, is much harder for them to confront and understand. 

令嫒就像那片山水。虽然我从未亲眼看见过，但是我知道她会有多美。... 我有多羡慕将来可以亲眼看见她的那个人。

Kawi is a perfect Cartoon Character filmed in BL

We were talking about comedy acting of gmm actors in our discord, and I understandably went on a rant about Krist's comedic performance in Be My Favorite (because his dramatic acting is good but he chose such a unique delicious comedy to give to Kawi, and I've been obsessed with it since the very first episode so let me bring it here too xD)

I was so surprised and intrigued when I saw Kawi in BMF, because in the beginning of the series Kawi looks funny. Unhinged. Unserious. AND IT DOES NOT LOOK CRINGE! (fight me)

For me it's something that's so easy to fuck up, and Thai comedies just love being silly-cringe on purpose (I'm sorry, I have to admit, I get second hand embarrassment often when watching unserious scenes in BLs). But Kawi. He's just. So excitingly funny for the viewers. Krist created his behavior with such a careful nuance, he gave us the first impression of Kawi so nicely, that a non-social immature main character who easily could get 'EW noo' reaction from viewers, is just a very adorable weird fool you can't help but keep watching to see in what kind of trash situations he'll end up.

I think here's a huge reason why: Kawi looks and feels like a cartoon character. I don't even know how Krist did it, I worked as 2d/3d animator and artist for some time in the past and I deliberately tried to make myself act like a cartoon character to film references for animation, so let me tell you – it's HARD xD

Disclaimer: i'm not big professional, just a freelancer so my terms might not be official, i'm just describing what i've learnt from professionals, these are basic things

I think Krist said it himself somewhere in bts that it was his deliberate choice and hard work but Kawi is absolutely animated in a very cartoonish way, but he also calms down and matures throughout the whole series, his movements become more gentle, fluid and less loud.  It's such a difficult way to smoothly change the character and it's a hard work for the actor, if you consider that episodes and scenes aren't usually filmed chronologically.

The first episode of BMF is like the epitome of Kawi As Cartoon Character (remember Kawi stealing Pisaeng's clothes scene, the dancing, fighting the gangster, everything) and it works really great to establish that comedic introduction and fool us all into thinking this is just a silly comedic BL show and not a very complicated, profound and mature series as it turned out to be :D

I dissect for myself why this happens, what Krist makes:

Loud hyperactive movements (wide animated gestures, compared to all other characters behaving like adults in real world; think of Stage Persona and theatrics)

Action lines and curves (compare Pisaeng and Kawi on screenshots, think how Pisaeng would hold his hand out and look how Kawi is posing. Krist said they rehearsed poses in that scene a lot, and I really believe it. He stretches out arms a bit too far away, he bends more than usual person, he cranes his neck, he makes just perfect action lines throughout his whole body. When you want to make a cartoon character out of someone's photo, you exaggerate and smooth out posture so the motion would be felt, and Krist just does it in real life)

Fast movements ending up in an abrupt VERY ART-LIKE POSE, and quick change of sharp poses (it's a base rule for good artists to make characters have a clear pose, so you would be able to guess what's going on from only the silhouette). It's probably not a natural way to stand in front of the camera, but Krist often turns his body just enough to have very recognizable silhouettes (enhanced by directing from P'Waa probably)

He exaggerates emotions like a comic character as well; wide eyes, mouth, furrowed eyebrows or extreme pout; even his voice is loud, he shouts and yells louder than anyone else in the series. Of course, only when he's comfortable (with Pisaeng, with Magic Uncle, sometimes with Max). When Kawi isn't comfortable, Krist makes him small, roll into himself, speak quieter and softer, while still having cute gestures like fidgeting.

Cartoonish character compliments Kawi's childish behavior so well, it adds cuteness and stops viewers from rolling their eyes

KAWI LITERALLY IS ACCOMPANIED BY CARTOON SOUND EFFECTS IN THE SERIES, I mean - Pisaeng sometimes gets his sound effect of something breaking, u know like huh??, but if you listen, so many actions and gestures of Kawi are followed by various cartoon sounds. All the time. Even when he gets more mature and reaches zen, they are still present, just not as often.

And that dance? Might not be truly something cartoons would have, but it's so unhinged and quick and childishly weird, Kawi is almost literally operating at 24fps there, the flashing lighting helps a lot as well xD

(overall, think about famous tiktok videos of a girl acting like a disney character irl but if i'm not wrong, there's also a technique of slowing and speeding up the video/audio, and Krist simply acts like that in front of the camera. fascinating)

Krist's work on Kawi's comedic behavior is just chef's kiss, even if you didn't know the plot, just by seeing Kawi in random scenes, you'd know it's a whole character arc just reflected through the body. Which is, I guess, what acting is about xD But it is SO RARE to see for me in BLs and Thai's lakorns, and maybe I just don't watch a lot of comedy series but I'm extremely impressed with how great that cartoonish Kawi looks, from an artist point of view.

I think the other character from BLs close to this feeling would be Sky from Love in the Air. If you know others, please let me know!

the utter lack of affection or care amongst my extended family is so bleak and miserable

But now I need angst and fights and stuff because it is going way too great for chenford right now and I need something to make my heart flipflop because as much as I love all these hugs it just doesn't feel emotional enough to me. It feels very like, tame?

Anyone else think Tim and Lucy are actually kind of emotionally tame?

the thing is, i should be throwing up and losing sleep over kenny vs. bucks and i'm upset that i'm not. having cj in this really dulls the impact.

unfortunate.

Well I mean if you make your bed you gotta lie in it

it's always rlly funny coming back from a break from this hellsite bc i usually accumulate followers in my months long absences, but as soon as i start posting my opinions and hottakes i lose like 10+ followers within a few days 🫶🏼

Three days sober and the cravings are getting stronger. Out of fear of impulsively buying alcohol and downing it in a park or something, I only leave the ward together with my roommate - which shows I'm acting responsible I guess.

On the inside I've been thinking about numbing myself like half of every waking hour, though (today). Like discharging myself. Just telling them I'm fine. Nope, I don't have any thoughts about S/I anymore. You can let me go. Or contemplating what would happen if I'd really just go to the store and get fully wrecked. That would cause so much drama. 75% is very keen on not doing it. The other 25% don't care.

Right now I feel like I'll certainly relapse once I'm home. Even want to turn down their offer to take me as a patient for their day clinic (and coming up with excuses for that inside my head). And since I think I'll relapse anyway, waiting another 7-10 days until I'm discharged feels like such a long time.

But my healthy self is still here too, and this self says "Stay here for these 7-10 days. Take this time as a chance to find a reason you want to stay sober for. Talk some more. Reflect on yourself."

The problem is with self worth. I really don't think I'm worth the help and care - especially not the help and care of others. (And yes, logically I know that's not true but my emotions don't care about logic.)

[Typing this to distract myself. Only 1 hour until I can take my sleep meds and tomorrow will be a different day 🤞🏻]

i used to like u but whyre u still into hp? jkr’s transphobia and racism are so bad in those books

There are many problems with the books, movies, etc and the person who wrote them I will never and don't deny that.

I don't know why you felt the need to tell me you used to like me. That just...you could have simply asked the question without trying to put me down. I'm not buying the new game, I don't buy any kind of memorabilia, I don't but new books, I didn't go to see the new movies...I don't support JK Rowling. I don't support putting money in her pockets.

If you have or did follow me, then I would think you would see I'm no stranger to critiquing things or just plain pointing out things that I hate or that annoy me in a media I am consuming. I legit write salt because of how mad shows have mad me because I wanted things to go different or because I thought some things could have been handled much better.

HP is not different.

I like to come up with funny little ideas for it, maybe even in the future angst or something like a rewrite. Why? Because I hate what became of it and the author herself.

Me writing little ideas is not benefiting JKR in anyway. Those who write HP fanfic or draw HP fanart don't do it because they support JKR, they do it for the media they fell in love with once upon a time and many acknowledge they don't support JKR. Some even do so in a defiant nature against JKR.

HP was something I loved in my childhood but I did grow and acknowledge all it's faults as I did. Growing is sometimes learning and acknowledging mistakes or wrongs. JKR will never do this but guess what? Past fans have, but instead of burying a past love in shame many take to pointing out the wrongs and mistakes with their fics or their redesigns. To make it better.

I'm not going to hide being into what HP could have been/should have been. Because overall I'm just a fan of what other fans did with it. I don't want to feel shame about it but others really want me to feel ashamed.

The fact is I do feel shame. I feel shame for the little me who was so in love with the HP world that I never saw the wrongs until I grew up. I feel shame for all the gifts I got that were HP themed, I feel shame for the books I was given despite being only 10. I feel shame for things that were beyond my control because there are people who love to shove the old love fans of HP have in their faces despite repeated attempts to tell them we do not support JKR.

I could go on and on about me being LGBTQ+, I could go on about family members and friends being LGBTQ+ who are just like me and feel that shame, who hat JKR, etc.

But really I'm just going to end this ask with everyone needs to just stop this shaming. Everytime someone posts HP fanart they don't need someone in their comments shouting at them about why they would do such a thing. Everytime someone makes a fic they shouldn't be waring with themself if they should or shouldn't because they fear the reactions. The fans do not reflect the author.

There are so many fandoms out there that the media they are part of are problematic or the creator is and yet they aren't as heavily shamed, and I get it, HP is much bigger than a lot of them but it's still not right to attack the fans.

I know you're not attacking me. I know that. But it still doesn't feel nice to be told you used to be liked before someone even asked yo uyour opinion on something. It hurts when someone assumes.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to make you feel bad, you simply asked a question but I've gotten a lot more negative anon asks about this directed towards me and this way the most...polite and I felt it was the best to say my peace with all this.

you know i post a lot about my OCs being terrible fucking people and also being terrible to each other (because they are), but i'm rereading that creative freewrite i did the other day with fresh reader-facing eyes (i.... have no memory of this place. i don't remember writing this or what i was picturing while writing it) and. actually. the OCs are so funny and cute. fuck me

it's perhaps not surprising that they're funny and cute because historically in fandom i ALWAYS gravitate toward relationships where people Like Each Other So Much , While Also Grappling With The Horrors , And The Mental Illnesses , but it's. just. i'm blinking at this silly nonsense dialogue like. why didn't anyone tell me how funny and cute they are. that seems like it should've featured on the blorbo summary. the tropes packaged on the back of this barely-realer-than-goncharov mind-book. like fucking just. look at this shit they're so genuinely unironically sweet and attentive and careful with each other what the fuck. it's actually sickening. who did this. why was this done. who allowed them to be this way. who established these themes. who penned this stupid banter. this is not my grisly psychological terror dome from my murder-snuff girlboss mindscape,