I could've read Homestuck fresh outta the oven. I could've been there on time to scream about it with everyone else.

Instead, I was on Quotev reading about living with a buncha psychos on a mansion in the middle of some dry ass woods, overseen by an eldritch being who played dress up with a kid once and now had no heart to let her down.

Superman #84 (December 1993)

Superman takes a short Paris vacation! Like, one day short. What's the worst that could happen?

Oh, man.

So, for the past few issues, we've been hearing about children being abducted in Metropolis. Now we see that they're being kept inside a giant toy house by some creepy bald man in Quasimodo clothes who seems to be obsessed with toys -- a "Man of Toys," if you will. Side note: no wonder the children haven't been found... all the articles about them are just gibberish! (See clip below.)

The kidnapper thinks that these kids' parents don't deserve them, and that they're much better off here, in an underground hideout with a man who threatens to starve them if they don't play with him. (And I do mean literally play, with action figures and stuff.) Meanwhile, as these children cry for help, Superman is having the time of his life. While helping move a stranded ship with some huge-ass chains, Superman spots a sunken galleon with a treasure chest inside and fantasizes about keeping the booty...

...before turning it over to the authorities anyway, the big boy scout. Then, he wakes up Lois at 6 AM and tells her they should go to Paris right now, which usually means your significant other is having a mental breakdown, but in this case they can actually do it. And so, after deciding that he deserves to use his powers for fun every once in a while, Superman and Lois drop everything and fly to France with super-speed for the rest of the day/issue.

Anyway: back to the child abduction! Cat Grant and her son Adam attend a Halloween party at Adam's school, but there's a disturbed weirdo in a hideous costume lurking among the crowd. Yes, I'm talking about Jimmy Olsen in his Turtle Boy suit.

Shortly after that, a guy in a dinosaur costume (see, all the creeps are dressed as reptiles) lures Adam out of the party with the promise of "superb video games." What child could resist that? Of course, that turns out to be the kidnapper and Adam ends up in his hideout along with the rest of the missing children and, worst of all, not a single "Lextendo" console.

The kidnapper gets angry at Adam when he refers to the toys at the hideout as "old-fashioned junk" (he was REALLY looking forward to those video games), and even angrier when Adam tries to free the other kids. Adam is brave and puts up a good fight, but...

And those were Adam Morgan's final words. "Uh-oh."

Next, we have a pretty harrowing scene of Detective Turpin letting Cat know Adam’s body was found, and Jimmy and Perry White taking her to the morgue to identify the body (most people probably wouldn't bring their former boss to something like that, but Perry sadly knows more than most about losing a kid). As for Lois and Clark, they were gone so long that the Daily Planet had time to print a headline about the murders. The issue ends when the lovebirds walk into the office smiling like two people who just spent the night fooling around in Paris... only to feel like jackasses when they find out what happened.

To be continued!

Character-Watch:

And that's it for little Adam Morgan who, unlike the also tragically diseased Jerry White, didn't even get any post-death appearances. Adam went from a little kid scared of Superman, to a huge brat, to a character who was approaching likeability as of last week. That's why I hate it when DC kills off young characters like Adam or Liam Harper: in long-form storytelling, children represent potential. Look at how much Wally West or Dick Grayson evolved over the years compared to their mentors! Sure, there's a huge probability that Adam would have ended up disappearing from comics for 25 years anyway, but who knows, maybe we'd now know him as Teen Gangbuster or something. GangbusTEEN.

This issue also represents a turning point for the kidnapper, who is never named or seen clearly in the story itself but I don't think I'm shocking anyone by spoiling the fact that he's Toyman (it's in the cover, for one thing). In his last two appearances before this storyline, Toyman helped Superman save some kids from Sleez and looked genuinely sad to learn about Superman's death, so this is a pretty dramatic change for the character. We'll find out why he went from big softy to child killer in Superman #85 (but don't get your hopes up).

Plotline-Watch:

The most disturbing part of the issue, all things considered, is still the part where Toyman climbs into a giant crib and hugs a huge stuffed bunny. Look at serial killer Tommy Pickles here:

Don Sparrow says:  “Even with the upgrade, Toyman is still just a man in a suit, a common complaint about Superman’s rogues gallery.” Funny you should say that, because I JUST shared an old Wizard interview in our Twitter in which Dan Jurgens talks about how Doomsday came out of his frustration with the fact that most Superman villains are dudes in suits (plus other interesting tidbits from the era, like how it was actually Roger Stern’s idea to bring back Hank Henshaw, so check out that link!).

Don again: “The entire Superman storyline of this issue feels like filler. Diving for buried treasure and soaring off to Paris -- it all feels like wasted time next to the Adam storyline.” I have a theory that the entire ship sequence is there as an excuse to put Superman in those big chains and make that Spawn joke (which I didn’t get until now, since I’ve always read this issue in Spanish).

Superman says that pulling that big ship was "a little easier than expected" -- that's either another hint that there's something going on with Superman's powers since he came back, or a subtle dig at the state of American ship manufacturing.

Another adorable "window tap" scene for the books, and this is the sexiest one so far. Is it me or has Jurgens started copying more than just Teri Hatcher's hairdo from Lois & Clark? (For anyone who thinks Lois has gotten implants, I refer you to this clip.)

While in Paris, Lois asks Clark if he's ever wondered what would happen if his rocket had landed in other countries. Don: “Clark’s conversation with Lois sounds like a bunch of concepts for Elseworlds stories. We eventually would see a Russian Superman, and a British Superman, but not yet the French Superman. (Hire us, DC!)” Yep, got my French Superman pitch ready, Jim Lee. Or just let us do Russian Superman again, since Red Son wasn’t even the first time you published that idea.

Don once more: “Another thing that makes no sense about the ‘new’ Toyman is his resentment of technological toys—when in previous appearances he himself had deadly high-tech toys to vex Superman over the years.” I especially resent his hatred of video game consoles. Incidentally, I wonder what types of games are available for Adam’s beloved Lextendo. Star Lex 64? Mega Man Lex? Sonic the Hedgehog 3 & Knuckles & Lex?

No one is more upset at Lois and Clark for going AWOL than Whit. NO ONE. He's so furious that his usually grey mustache turned black.

Patreon-Watch:

As always, shout out to our patrons, Aaron, Murray Qualie, Chris “Ace” Hendrix, britneyspearsatemyshorts, Patrick D. Ryall, Samuel Doran, Bheki Latha, Mark Syp, Ryan Bush and Raphael Fischer! Last month’s exclusive Patreon article was about the recently unearthed sequel to Superman 64 for the PlayStation, featuring Metallo, Parasite, and Lois looking even hotter than in this issue:

Hot damn. Find out more at https://www.patreon.com/superman86to99!

And believe it or not, Don Sparrow has even more to say about this issue. Read his section after the jump:

Art-Watch (by @donsparrow​):

I should start off my section with a big caveat:  I flat out hate this issue. There were several weird decisions made in the post-Death-and-Return era (most of them along the same lines of making the Superman titles more grim-and-gritty), and this story was one of the worst of them.  My theory is that, despite the praise and record-breaking sales of the Death and Return storyline, the Superman creative team felt pressure to have more extreme storylines, perhaps in response to the wildly successful Image books coming out at the time.  Between this story, and the upcoming “Spilled Blood” storyline, the Super books take a hard—but temporary--turn into more violent and upsetting storytelling—even though these stories are by the same writers as the previous few years. While death has always been a part of comics, and Superman comics was no exception, there is a jarring glibness and unfeeling toward the way violence is handled in these pages that is quite different from the stories that preceded it.  It’s made all the more jarring by the fact that well-established personalities suddenly veer wildly out of character, Toyman chief among them.  

We start with the cover, and while it is technically well-drawn (by the familiar team of Jurgens and Breeding) it’s also a very upsetting visual.  I think they should have gone with the pieta type pose with Adam and Superman, OR the scary badass bowie-knife Toyman (who apparently has a Cheshire cat smile now) but not both.  But the cover is a good hint at the tonal dissonance of the comic within.

We open with a splash of the now-extreme 90s looking Toyman, with his serial killer shaved head and spooky cloak, ignoring the pleas of hungry kids he has locked up in a tiny jail cell for days at a time (if that sentence doesn’t ring alarm bells for how wrong this is for a Superman story, I don’t know what will). For much of the issue Toyman’s eyes are obscured by glare on his lenses, further de-humanizing a character who was once one of Superman’s more empathetic bad guys.

We cut to Superman tugboating a huge tanker with giant chains and it’s a cool visual (one repeated in the Batman V Superman film).  It feels especially out of place to focus on, given how upsetting this issue is otherwise, but throughout the whole comic, Lois is drawn smoking hot, especially on the two page spread on pages 9-10.

The scenes depicting the actual murder, while still wildly out of place in a Superman comic, are well done, and give a real sense of darkness and menace, which I suppose is the intent.  Perhaps my least favourite visual is the Big Bird stuffie, silently bearing witness to what’s about to occur.

The edges of the panels on get more slashy and off-kilter (to me, looking very much like the layouts more typically seen in Image comics of the day) and I suppose I appreciate the restraint of how little Dan Jurgens shows of the death of a child, showing only a bloody slash on a black background.  This is still a pretty baroque image for a Superman comic, but certainly less violent than it could be, given what is happening.

Cat Grant’s silent horror is well staged, and powerful in its way.   Lastly, Clark Kent bending in sorrow and regret is a powerful image.

While this issue is handled marginally better, and more maturely than other comics on the shelf at this time, I still believe it is one of the biggest mistakes of the era.  Giving a long-established character an unceremonious death for shock value is gross on its own, but making it a child definitely crosses a line for me.  Making it worse is that, while the Toyman is a criminal and a killer, he has shown in past issues (a similar kidnapping storyline involving Sleez) that he genuinely cares for the well-being of children.  So for a long-time reader, this also felt like a betrayal of a long-established, fully developed character.   Adding to the ugliness of this is that Adam dies heroically, trying to free the children who have been caged, unfed, for days, but even in that regard, he fails.  The headline at the end of the issue confirms all the children are dead.  Adam’s death did not buy the other kids enough time to get away. It was all for nothing. Had Adam died, but the other children lived, maybe this issue wouldn’t leave quite as bad a taste. [Max: It’s weird because it’s all told in a way where it’s told in a way where it would make sense, narratively and within the story universe, that the other kids survived, but then it’s almost casually revealed that nope, they died too. A scene of one of the kids relaying Adam’s heroism to Cat in a future issue would have gone a long way.]

Superman doesn’t come off well in these pages, either.  It’s honestly the type of story they should just stay away from, because the more you think about all the calamity that is going on around the clock, the less defensible the whole Clark Kent persona becomes. Superman carving out time to romance his fiancée directly led to the preventable deaths of innocent children—how do you come back from that?

STRAY OBSERVATIONS:

I’m always looking for hints that perhaps Jimmy or Perry know Superman’s secret identity deep down, and Jimmy’s anger at Lois and Clark on their return to the Daily Planet offices would seem to give that theory some credence, as he’s as angry at them as if he knew Clark really were Superman.  Either that, or he’s ticked that it fell to him, and none of them to escort Cat into the morgue. [Max: Has this issue finally converted you to the “Jimmy is terrible” side now, Don?]

I don’t think I’m the only one who disliked the new Toyman—SPOILERS BE HERE: years later, in Action Comics #865, Geoff Johns retconned this whole story, reverting Schott into the criminal who over-relates to kids, rather than the child-killer of this story.  Apparently the infantile Schott, who speaks to “Mother” a la Norman Bates, is a robot so lifelike it fools even Superman, and the “Mother” he’s constantly replying to was the real Winslow Schott trying to recall the malfunctioning robot. [Max: That’s one Geoff Johns retcon I really didn’t mind, even if it felt kind of derivative of his similar “all the Brainiacs are robots made by the real Brainiac” reveal.]

oner 《恶浪》 mv/film theory

(this is less of a theory and more of a debunking of the mv though)

warnings: mentions of violence, murder (i wont include gifs of the bloody moments but it will be discussed!!!), animal abuse, and a bomb or two ? (someone gets blown up ;-;)

honestly the debunking might get a lil bit dark around the ling chao and ziyang individual parts, so be warned of that!

it would be helpful for you to watch/listen to these to process whats going on here:

oner 《恶浪》 mv (cw blood, murder, animal abuse, & heavy violence - please dont watch if these are triggers for you!!!) (there’s also eng subs in this link ^^)

oner - AGENT  (this is a song, but there’s quite a bit of dialogue near the end that ties into this plot!)  (cw gunshot, beeping noises that resemble a bomb ?? - all at the end of the song w/ the dialogue)

okay lets dive into it d(^-^)> !!!

to get the important info out of the way!

the start of the mv shows the three of them chilling on the couch, as friends do, watching,,well themselves on the screen (oner’s past performances as idols) (and i do believe that the idols part of this has some significance that i can figure out). the important takeaway from the beginning rlly is that they’re three good friends...who are completely unaware of each other’s secret occupations

their occupations being: ziyang, a murderer, yueyue, a spy, and ling chao, a hacker

now to jump into the main story! (starting around 1:35)

yueyue and ziyang both have the same target: the man in the restaurant. however yueyue gets there first and does his job well, as he gets away without being caught. ziyang is frustrated that his target is taken already.

*interesting detail here, but when trying to enter, ziyang shows them a ring with a purple jewel in the middle for entry,,,coincidentally, the man yueyue kills in the bar in his personal segment in the film later also has the same ring? obv the ring is for the restaurant entry so maybe ziyang wasn’t going to kill this “boss” but maybe negotiate/discuss something with him instead...but also thats disproven by the fact that ziyang pulled out a gun to presumably shoot him before realizing the dude was dead....

but also,,,suspicious how there was a zoom in to the purple ring when yueyue kills the man in the bar..maybe it means more than we think it does? altho im not too sure what  to think abt it for now

     for reference:

     ziyang’s ring                                    

     dead man in bar’s ring

.

moving on 

okay so since yueyue is a spy n all, he has to confirm his kill somewhere right? this somewhere is a phone booth,,,one that ling chao has rigged up with a bomb,,,,

speculation: someone hired ling chao to kill someone who will be approaching the phone booth; at this time, lc doesn’t know that this someone is yueyue (and is v shocked to see him there through his cameras as evident by his “what the hell! are you kidding me?”)

....and after this part the film dives into their personal stories to give more background on who  these three are (i’ll expand on those after i finish explaining the present timeline ^^) before coming back to the main story 

so!

ling chao “accidentally” blew up yueyue oh no (he’s still alive tho yey)

& then yueyue holds up a piece of candy,,,and immediately knows its ling chao (cuz its the piece of candy lc was eating earlier in the film) 

(and to take care of all loose ends that my brain is providing me with: in the beginning they didn’t know abt each other’s secret occupations...how does yueyue know that lc is capable of doing this? my answer: they used to be agent buddies!!! i’ll expand on this later hehe)

 .

and so

it was at this moment ling chao knew...he fucked up

he’s afraid yueyue might come after him.

which, is exactly what yueyue does

after going home or somewhere, yueyue receives a text telling him to get rid of “them” (ling chao) bc his “identity is exposed” 

....so now yueyue has to go and hunt down his buddy ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

and they fight! looks very painful for ling chao,,,poor dude,,,

since ziyang comes out from the back door to join the fight, theres two possibilities that come from this:

1) ling chao knew yueyue was coming and knew he couldnt take him down himself (lets be honest; he looks rlly scrawny) so he called ziyang to his location for backup (how could he know ziyang can fight? agent buddies 👐) 

2) ziyang and ling chao live together in the same house

anyways, both results making it obvious that ling chao and ziyang are on the same team while yueyue is on another (lets ignore the fact that ling chao was getting up to fight ziyang as well)

the fight scene is so dramatic oml T-T

ziyang could also be motivated to beat up yueyue in this fight cuz the dude did  take his target before he himself could (loophole: how did ziyang know it was yueyue who took his target? answer: maybe yueyue left like a signature or smthn at the crime scene, or ziyang saw him walk out  ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯ )

and when they all beat the living heck out of each other and are dramatically lying down in different areas of the room 

the tv turns on to a council saying “still want to be idols?”

(and remember, the thing they were watching on tv earlier was themselves performing,,,as idols. i cant connect it further than that so lemme know if yall figure smthn out ^-^)

so mayhaps this council is yueyue’s agency and they wanted to turn the trio against each other...? they would have set this whole situation up: they knew ziyang wanted to kill the restaurant “boss”, so they assigned yueyue to take care of him first, which creates conflict between those two. then, they hired ling chao to rig up a phone booth with a bomb; basically setting him up against yueyue

whether this council succeeds with their plan or not is unrevealed bc the film has a “to be continued” at the end, so the storyline still will have more to it!!!

although i would say the council succeeded since they all did beat each other bruised and bloody

.

that leaves the question: why  is the council setting them up against each other?

what are there previous connections beyond them just being friends 👀 ?

and here i shall bring back the “agent buddies” bit i was talking abt earlier, as well as why i linked the agent song in the beginning

near the end of the mv, there’s quite a lot of dialogue between the three of them, and it goes like this:

[robotic voice: welcome agent oner

ling chao (?): check 

yueyue: yo what up guys!

ziyang: yo what up bro

ziyang (yueyue?): alright lets take them out

yueyue: okay gentlemen we got a lot to do

ziyang: ey we gotta finish this quick, i got a date tonight

yueyue: really?

ziyang: no hard feelings (couldnt catch the rest)

yueyue: okay shut up

ling chao: hey guys, i saw a hit

(?): copy that

yueyue (ziyang?): hold your breath....now

ling chao: guys watch out

yueyue: okay guys locked and loaded

*single shot can be heard, then the reloading of a gun*

yueyue (?): go go go!

yueyue: fire fire fire!

yueyue: ???? *indistinguishable orders*

ziyang?: i got trouble i got trouble

yueyue: ?? i got ?? lets go

ling chao: stay together

ziyang (yueyue??): okay set to kill

ling chao: damn the truck is (blown?)

yueyue: what the hell

ziyang: okay let me (???) it

*bomb beeping noises*

yueyue: ???? clean this blood on my shirt]

(not sure how accurate my hearing is but its enough to make some guesses 😅)

agent buddies! the three of them used to be agents, as the song is titled, at some agency...and they probably made a pretty strong team together

the agency story would explain why they all seem to be good fighters too!

thats why the council might have wanted to tear them apart. perhaps the council was doing something that they knew would displease the trio, so they needed them separated lest they team up and try to defeat them 

i also think this audio could have been describing a mission going wrong for them, possibly their last one as a team. someone was probably hurt (im betting on either ziyang or ling chao), and they quit the agency and aimed to live normal lives from then on

...but old habits are hard to forget, so ziyang starts to kill ppl in his free time, yueyue joined another agency as a spy, and ling chao uses his hacking skills for other purposes

however they all dont tell each other, which could add on to the tension of their fight at the end of the film

.

now to dive into their individual bits of the film. these all don’t connect much to the main lore, just expands onto their lives with their secret occupations btw!

.

YUEYUE

his segment details moments in his daily agent life; im guessing he’s not very happy with it judging by his nightmares? or the nightmares are bringing up his past at his old agency which he does not like

he’s also master of disguise woah

personally i think he’s losing “who he is”. he’s always playing the role of another person, always putting on another disguise...so he starts losing his sense of identity (if that makes sense ;-;) 

(and if you wanna stretch it and make things wholesome, maybe the only times he [feels like himself] is when he’s around his two friends)

so basically: he’s always filling out other personas to the point where he doesnt know who he is anymore

(this is also the segment where he kills a man in the bar with poison,,,and the man was wearing the same ring as ziyang,,,,which is like Hm. why’d the directors do that 🤔)

.

ZIYANG

aka the murderer :D

(and not just regular serial killer type, more like joker-esque type where they’re a bit insane,,,)

okay his segment starts of with him dragging a man through a white room, where the floors is covered with plastic, and on the walls are a bunch of clay molds of human body parts

:D

my brain has concluded that! ziyang takes clay and makes molds of his victim’s faces/body parts of who he kills! to make statues! 

(i dont even know how i got there aksjdhdh but thats just what i assumed the first time i watched this film thingy)

and to make it more messed up than it already sounds,,,im guessing he’s a famous statue maker too, and holds shows where he presents his works to the public and maybe even bids them off ?

     ,,,,little did the audience know,,,,

          (this kinda remind me of sally and gabe’s statue from the pjo too now aksjhdkdh)

(i got this assumption from 6:50 in the film where he walks out in front of an audience who start clapping,,,and let my brain run wild with the rest,,,)

of course, he probably kills off the people he was the molding the clay off of once he’s done with his works,,,or sometimes even in the middle of his works as shown in the mv (*-* )

but alas that is not all to his story,,,

judging by his flashbacks when he’s beating that one dude to death with a bat, he used to be bullied when he was in school, which seems to be the source of all his anger throughout the film..

    ( yeah he killed the bullies too (_ _ )> )

its part of his personality to be rough and short tempered - he doesn’t like people looking down on him (as the bullies did)

and,,,if you want to be wholesome again! perhaps he found some bits of happiness and peace when hanging out with the others :]

.

LING CHAO

cw: animals abuse!!! 

his is pretty simple and is already explained in the mv itself! i’ll walk ya’ll through it though in case you didn’t watch the film tho akdjdjkf

basically: he’s just a dude who loves dogs :]

a lot

in his segment, a girl (handong, looking absolutely stunning ToT) approaches him wanting to take home another stray, and when he asks her where how the previous dog she adopted was doing, she says that “my bestie loved him a lot, so i gave him to her” ( -_- )

so...he lets her keep the dog, but also decides to keep an eye on her...to the point where she becomes very paranoid that someone is stalking her (which..she isnt wrong in)(but she doesn’t believe it to be ling chao because they’re..dating? i think? and he lulls her into a false sense of security that he’ll protect her from harm)

and then bam! one day he breaks into her house, steals the dog away, and then,,,,blows her up,,,,,

(i must say as disturbing this scene is,,,,i absolutely adore ling chao’s look here askjdjfd)

(i mean?? look at him?? loving the black lipstick ugh)

(v pale tho ;-;)

okay anyways the next flashbacks reveal that handong was abusing her dogs & starving them, and him being the animal lover he is, decides to kill her for it ig

(also she,,,stabbed the other dog that she “gave to her bestie” so-)

yeahh thats the end of his story; nothing much to take from it except that his hacker skills are still intact past agent days 

.

.

.

annnd thats a wrap folks! nothing else to expand on; i’ll definitely make another part to expand on this if they decide to release another mini film in the future tho :]

Coincidences- Aaron Hotchner Imagine

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x Reader; SVU crossover (kinda) 

Word Count: 1.3k

WARNINGS: Basic mentions of death, murder, the likes. Nothing graphic!

A/N: This is just something I’ve been thinking about recently, much like Hotch and his dreamy eyes. It’s a crossover with SVU in theory, but honestly you don’t need to watch the show to read. Let me know if I should make a part two or not!! I love your feedback 💗

You had been working with the BAU team for over a year now. Even within that short period of time, you had grown to love them like family. They reminded you of the slightly-more functional version of the team you left behind in New York. 

When you left New York, you made a promise to your friends and family that you would make an effort to take better care of your mental health. Now that’s a little challenging when you’re catching serial killers on a daily basis. Although, these cases tended to have a more satisfying conclusion than the ones you worked on with Special Victims Unit. Neither were ideal, of course. 

Garcia had just announced that there was a case, summoning you all to the conference room. You straggled behind the rest of the group, finishing up an email that needed to be sent. You weren’t the only one falling behind the pack, though. 

You had noticed that Hotch was in no particular rush to get to the conference room. He looked spaced out, as if his mind was in another place. Aaron Hotchner was no easy man to read, so for you to pick up on his behavior, he must really be distracted. 

“After you,” you said, meeting Hotch at the door. He gave you a simply nod and take his seat. 

Garcia dispersed the case files and presented what information was available. Three women from Eugene, Oregon had been killed in their homes, while their significant others had been on business trips. 

“That can’t be a coincidence,” Morgan remarked. 

“There’s no such thing as coincidences. Wheels up in 30,” Hotch sternly spoke, rising from his chair and leaving the room in a hurry. 

You looked at Rossi for an explanation. While you prided yourself on being able to communicate openly with your boss, nobody could read Hotch like Rossi.

“It’s been five years since Haley passed.”

“Oh, I didn’t know.”

“Well, he’s not one to share. Take it easy on him this week. No heroics,” Rossi lectured, wagging his finger at you, as had been known to take a few risks. 

“I can’t believe you’re saying this to me when Derek is right outside.” 

The plane ride to Eugene was pretty typical. Although, you found your eyes fixed on Hotch. You couldn’t help but to sympathize with his pain. It was never easy to lose a loved one, let alone your significant other. 

As the case progressed, you recognized the unsub’s patterns and habits. He was a predatory stalker; you just needed to lure him out. Rossi proposed that Prentiss and Morgan play husband and wife for a day or two, just to see if he would attempt to break in. 

Reid stayed behind, narrowing down the suspect list, while you, Hotch, Rossi, and JJ staked out the place. You had been partnered with Hotch, which was a relatively common occurrence. There was chemistry between the two of you, a natural bond that with undiscovered origins. You were calm, collected, and logical much like Hotch. You were a little more adventurous, but nowhere near the same level as the rest of the team. 

The car was silent, except for the sound of rain pattering against the roof. You were in the driver’s seat, watching the house to see if there was any sign of the unsub. Hotch sat beside you, keeping an eye on the surroundings, a tense grip on his binoculars. One of you would reach for coffee, while the other would take a deep breath and regroup. You repeated this cycle for what felt like an eternity. 

At one point you noticed Hotch staring at his phone. You tried to catch a glimpse of what he was looking at without obviously violating his privacy. Finally, you decided it was time to break the silence. 

“How are you holding up?”

“I could use another cup of coffee,” he said, tucking is phone back into his suit pocket. 

“No, that’s not what I meant. Rossi told me what this week means to you. How are you holding up in that regard?”

He remained silent, staring out at the rainy street. He couldn’t produce an answer no matter how he tried. 

“Wanna hear my sob story?” You asked, ready to tell him your biggest secret since joining the BAU.

He simply nodded. 

“I lost my fiancé two years ago. Shot in the line of duty. It was his last day before transferring units. A month before our wedding.” 

You took a deep breath, mentally preparing to continue with the story. Hotch was quiet, allowing you to finish. 

“His name was Mike. Sergeant Mike Dodds,” you mused, “he was the sweetest guy, a big softie, but God, did he know how to play the bad guy. He transferred to SVU because his father wanted him to. Everyone hated him, but I saw something in him. There was this light in his eyes, this fire. It’s what I miss most about him.” 

You didn’t realize that you had a tear streaming down your cheek, until Hotch offered you a tissue. You wiped your tears, cursing yourself for being so dramatic. Hotch just reached over and placed his hand on yours, gently reassuring you that he was there. 

“I’d tell you it gets easier, but honestly? It just gets...different. You learned to live without them, but those feelings are still there,” his voice was barely audible. 

“I came to terms with it a long time ago. He wouldn’t want me wallowing in pity all of the time; he would want me to have a fresh start. Date new people, move to another city, take all the risks- within reason- that I never took before.” Now the rain had captivated you. “I always joked that we should have leave Manhattan and get a big log cabin in the Pacific Northwest. Have a bunch of dogs, maybe a boat, and live amongst the wilderness.” You wiped another tear from your rosy cheek, letting out a giggle, “But instead, I chose to move to humid D.C. and catch serial killers for a living.”

Hotch laughed, taking a sip of his cold coffee. You swore you saw a tear slid down his cheek as well, but you didn’t mention anything. Instead, you two just laughed cathartically for a moment. In that moment, you had forgotten all the pain you suffered before coming to the BAU. There was plenty in your life worth sticking around for. You liked to think Hotch felt the same. 

“Y/N,” he broke the laughter, “thank you. Thank you for always bringing your genuine self to every situation, for everything you do for this team...for everything you do for me.”

“It’s a coincidence that we found each other, almost like the universe brought us together.”

“There is no such thing as coincidences,” he replied, shifting in his seat. 

You were facing each other now. He had beautiful, brown eyes, you noticed. Even when they were glossy from crying, they were still beautiful. You recognized a light his eyes, one you thought was stolen from you two years ago. For the first time, you saw Hotch as someone other than your stoic boss who needed solved like a puzzle. You saw him as Aaron. Vulnerable, broken, and empathetic Aaron. 

If Rossi hadn’t ruined the moment with a radio call, saying they had caught the unsub, then you swore you could’ve kissed him. Your heart was beating out of your chest. You brushed it off as heightened emotions, but you couldn’t shake the feeling. What if the universe did put you and Aaron together? What if it was a sign that you were meant to be each other’s fresh starts? 

Can you write one where David and yn get into a petty argument but can’t stay mad at each other for like 1 minute

I sure can! 

Sorry for the delay! 

I really hope you like it!

Let me know! 

------

BURNT COUCH 

Y/N had been away for three weeks in Canada trying to fix some obnoxious issue with the production of a dress in her fall line. Come to find out that she could have fixed the problem from home. Besides, she had to fire some of the workers and one member of the team after finding out that they spent most of the time fooling around rather than working. 

“You are home!” David catches his girlfriend dropping her bag by the door and taking her shoes off. She had discarded her coat, beanie, and scarf. It had been a pleasant trip because she had the chance to visit some close friends of hers from college that had moved up there, but Y/N hated the cold. “How was it?” He questions as he stands by the white couch. 

“It was okay” She puffs as she grabs her suitcase from the front door. She only wants to take a bath and have some food then cuddle up to David. 

“Were you able to fix it?” He takes the opportunity when she isn’t looking at him to grab one of the blankets and stretch it out over the evident hole on the couch. 

“Yeah with no setbacks” She rises to her feet and walks up to her boyfriend. “Are you okay?” Y/N asks as she lays her hands on her hips while standing before him. 

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I?” He smiles, leaning against the couch casually. 

“Well for starters you have kissed me or hugged me” David leans in and kisses her lips, while doing so he leads her back towards the bedroom and away from the spot of the couch that he had burned while vlogging. 

“Baby,” she says between kisses trying to pull away from him. “I need to unpack and I am starving” Y/N was no fool, she knew that she was something up with him especially when she noticed him fiddling with his fingers. 

“Go take a bath and I’ll order something for you and unpack for you” That was the last thing she needed to hear to confirm her assumptions. 

“What did you do?” Y/N begins walking around the living room and the kitchen. There is a bunch of stuff lying around and the kitchen counter has different boxes laying around. The house is a mess. “Where is Natalie?” 

“She is back home with her family” He scratches the back of his neck, realizing that he should have probably clean before her arrival. It wasn’t like he didn’t know when she was arriving. She had texted him a picture of her plane ticket and they also had each other on that app that tracks where you are. Not because they didn’t trust one another, but because of safety. David had suggested it after they watched a documentary about a serial killer. 

Y/N only hums back. That’s why the house looked so messy. When either of them was home the house remained spotless. 

“What is that?” She gasps as her eyes catch a small brown patch on the back of the couch, close to where he was standing. David sights as he looks down and realizes that he had accidentally pulled the blanket too high. “What did you do, David?” Y/N walks up to the couch and abruptly takes the blanket off the couch revealing the black spot. 

“Let me explain” he begins, but it’s too late. She is furious. He knows because she starts to pull her hair up into a high ponytail. Y/N had the tendency of doing so when she is concentrating or when she is too pissed to have her hair around her face. 

“I asked you one fucking thing before I left. What was it?” She points at him with her index finger. 

“That’s the thing babe” he is interrupted before he can even finish. 

“To not break anything and to keep the house organized and somewhat clean! Didn’t I?” She is now yelling and feels like crying from frustration. “I have to come home from a long trip to fucking clean the house and fix all the shit that you have broken!” 

“Now you are just being dramatic. It’s not a big deal!” 

“David, look at the fucking couch and the damn kitchen! You are telling me that you can’t pick up after yourself and throw away the bags of chipotle and other food? or even unload the dishwasher?” She turns her back at him and walks into the kitchen to start cleaning everything up. 

“I am not the only one who lives here!” He yells back he walks up to her. He tried his best to never damage the house, but it sometimes happened. All of it could also be fixed. 

“Don’t you dare to blame Natalie for this! You just told me she is in Chicago!” She is now tying a full garbage bag, so she could take it out. “I am so done with all of this shit!” She yells before leaving the house. 

David leans back against the couch and sighs. He could feel his ears vibrate from her loud voice. She comes back in but not without shutting the front door loudly. Y/N gets to work and pulls a new garbage bag and starts throwing everything away. Anything that looked more than halfway empty was getting thrown out. 

“So what? You are leaving?” He rolls his eyes at her knowing how much angrier it made her. 

“Maybe I should! At least I won’t have to come up to a messy house with a burnt couch!” She yells back. Y/N’s head is now throbbing and her cheeks are red. 

“Then GO! Nothing is holding you back anyways” He responds as he gathers his computer and phone and walks away into the bedroom. He immediately regretted it when the words left his mouth, but there was no turning back. He knew he needed to leave her for a few minutes until she cooled down. 

Y/N continues cleaning the kitchen. She wipes the counters, she empties and starts the dishwasher with a new load of dishes. She vacuums the floors and then moves on to organize the couch and living room. She folds the blankets and arranges the pillows on each designated place. Y/N picks up all the chargers and places them into a little cute cubicle that she had bought when she had first moved into the house. She hated when everyone was home and there was always a bunch of chargers laying around that were mostly tangled. 

She also makes sure to take a few candles out that had been delivered from a brand deal. She lights them up and then opens the slide doors for the house to air out a bit. 

She throws herself on the couch after pulling her laptop out of her bag and starts ordering packs of drinks to re-stock the fridge then decides to check on restoration hardware for a new piece to replace the burnt one. That’s when she heard the door of the bedroom open and shut. 

He stands against the wall with his arms crossed. She looks up at him and waits for him to speak. 

“I am sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I also apologize for the couch. I shouldn’t be burning things within the house. I’ll try harder to keep the house clean when everyone comes over” He shamefully says, hoping that she would accept his shitty apology. Y/N doesn’t say anything. She just shuts her laptop and for a minute David thinks she is about to get up and walk away,  but she just opens her arms for him. 

He slowly walks up to her and lays his body over her. He rests her head in the crook of her neck and exhales loudly. 

“I am sorry. I was a bitch. I overreacted too. I am just tired. I’ll try harder not to freak out about every little thing. I love you” David places a small kiss against the skin of her neck while she runs her hand down his back. 

“I love you more and I missed you” he mumbles against her skin. “Don’t ever leave, Y/N” 

Horse Power.

The Nest’s writer-director Sean Durkin talks about creating atmosphere, watching films without judgment, and the best movies of 1986.

Downfalls in Hollywood movies tend to be chaotic, dramatic and a lot of fun along the way. From Citizen Kane to The Wolf of Wall Street, outsized ambitions are realized on screen in castles, exotic holidays, wild parties, sweeping us up in the extravagance of it all, before the inevitable crash. The Nest takes a slower, far more British view of ambition and its effects on family—or, as Charlie writes, “this movie is a reminder that people who call themselves entrepreneurs should instead be stay-at-home dads”.

The new film from writer-director Sean Durkin, the brain behind cult-survivor slow-burn Martha Marcy May Marlene, is less “strap in and enjoy the ride”, more “slow disintegration of all sense of sanity”—a tense psychological drama focused on the person who usually gets hurt the most: the wife. And that horse-lovin’ dream wife Allison, as played by Carrie Coon, is a character to behold (and the subject of many obsessive The Nest reviews on Letterboxd).

Just as Durkin takes time to carefully explore Martha’s vulnerability in his earlier film, in The Nest, he closes in on Allison, as she and their children adjust to 1980s life in an English manor, far from the comfort of Allison’s American home, while wheeler-dealer husband Rory (Jude Law) chases a new opportunity.

There are thematic similarities in both films; a case to be made that ambitious men wreak a comparable mental destruction on their families as cult leaders do on their followers, breaking them down with charm, persuasion, false promises. There’s also something about the juxtaposition of periods in the film—the fifteenth-century manor vs the ’80s bangers on the soundtrack—that adds to The Nest’s unnerving atmosphere (other parts of the soundtrack are composed by Arcade Fire’s Richard Reed Parry in his first film-score credit).

Keen to understand more about Durkin’s influences and memories, Jack Moulton put him through the Letterboxd Life in Film interrogation.

Carrie Coon as Allison O’Hara in ‘The Nest’.

The Nest feels like a very personal film. In what ways are the emotions of the premise personal to you? When I was making Southcliffe in 2012, I was back in England where I spent my childhood and I hadn’t been back in close to twenty years. It really struck me how London and New York felt very similar now but they didn’t when I was a kid. I thought maybe I wanted to make a film about a family that moves in that time and how a move can affect a family. As I wrote the script, I became a parent, so it became as much a reflection of modern adulthood as it did about my childhood in the ’80s. Although it’s a period piece, I wanted to make it feel very close to today to look at the celebrated values of the time and how those are still very relevant.

The mansion the family moves into is the titular ‘nest’, and the use of space and atmosphere contribute so much to the film’s subtext. What were you looking for when location scouting for the house? Was it an easy or difficult process? Yeah, it was difficult. It was like doing an open casting call. I had a very specific idea in my head but [my production designer] was able to put it into actual architectural terms so we were able to find a house that a successful commodities broker would live and commute from in Surrey. We needed something beyond that, but if you go too far, you get small castles. Once we located the right exterior, there were a bunch of [houses] that would’ve been great, but when we got inside, there were no open spaces. I wanted to have long hallways to be able to see through multiple rooms to create that isolation—the opposite of the cozy American house that they were living in before, to really highlight the good life they left behind.

Carrie Coon and Jude Law in ‘The Nest’.

We love the soundtrack; not just the choice of songs but the way that they’re mixed. Can you give us some insight into the song selection? When writing, I build a playlist that I write to. This one was a mix of personal memories from childhood—like Simply Red, which takes me back to falling asleep in the back of my dad’s car—so there’s a way into writing there on a sensory level, and then I build upon it with songs that I love from the time. I was listening to Richard Reed Parry’s Music for Heart and Breath album a lot and he ended up being the composer of the film, so his music was always part of the heart of the movie as I was writing it.

I would spend my drives to set with my assistant talking about music and he would turn me onto some stuff that would make it into the movie. It was a mix of a long-running preparation and things that I pick up in the moment then making that all work at the right level so it feels of the world. Like with The Cure, we actually played that off a tape cassette when Allison walks into the room.

Since your debut feature in 2011, you’ve had a prolific career in television and as a film producer; you’re a founding member of Borderline Films with fellow directors Antonio Campos and Josh Mond. Do you see yourself more as a producer who only occasionally directs films yourself? No, I don’t really consider myself a producer. I’ve produced movies for filmmakers and friends and I help people where I can. I’m not someone who’s out getting properties and thinking about how to put together a film, I’m only thinking about my own work as a writer and a director. Between finishing Southcliffe in 2013 and The Nest in 2018, I had a five-year gap where I was developing lots of projects one after the other—two features and a television show—that were both so close to [being greenlit] but something fell through, which was really bad luck.

What film made you want to become a filmmaker? The Goonies and Back to the Future were those movies as a kid that first made me want to make movies and tell stories, but the moment where I realized what filmmaking is was seeing The Shining. I saw it for the first time when I was eleven or twelve and a friend showed it to me because his older brother had the VHS. It was my first time understanding atmosphere and direction and I just had a sense that I could do it too. It was a really crucial moment, and I kept that thought to myself for a very long time.

Cinematographer Mátyás Erdély shoots Carrie Coon in Soho.

What’s your scariest film that is not technically horror? AKA, your area of expertise. Oh man, scariest? Something I’ve watched recently is The Vanishing and it’s probably one of the most unsettling films I’ve ever seen. It was incredible to rewatch it because I’d last seen it when I was in college—I watched everything back then—and I’d also seen the American remake, so when I watched it this time, I was trying to remember things [that were different] from the remake. I was like “he’s gonna get out, right?—oh no, that’s in the American version!” I find it an astonishing movie. There’s a real human element to the pain of the killer.

Let’s nerd out: what’s your top film of 1986, the year that The Nest is set? [Laughs] I’ve no idea what came out in 1986. Can I look up a list and I’ll tell you? Let’s see, films of 1986… This is fun! Alright, “popular films of 1986” I’m seeing: Blue Velvet, Short Circuit, Stand by Me, Platoon, The Color of Money, what else have we got here? River’s Edge… Pretty in Pink… Ferris Bueller’s Day Off—Ferris Bueller’s gotta be up there. Big Trouble in Little China! That’s it! I’m sure there’s other things, but from my quick search, I’d say Big Trouble in Little China. That was a movie that was always on in my house because it was one of my dad’s all-time favorites.

Which is Jude Law’s best performance? I love The Talented Mr. Ripley so much. I constantly rewatch that movie—it’s perfect. I also loved him in Vox Lux recently.

Sean Durkin and Jude Law on the set of ‘The Nest’.

What is the best film about marriage and why does it resonate with you? Shoot the Moon was really influential for me. I’d say it’s a bit more about divorce and family than it is about marriage but [it depends on] if you take the ending to mean that they’re going to stay together—I kind of do. You could say a separation is part of a marriage. I love that movie for how it finds light in humor. Albert Finney is struggling with his masculinity where, even though he’s the one who left, he still thinks he owns it all, and Diane Keaton is quite liberated by this scenario. It’s like their journey to find language again. I find it very beautiful.

Which film was your entry-point into international cinema? I’m trying to think back to what I would’ve seen, there certainly wasn’t a lot growing up. In college I really discovered Michael Haneke and Michelangelo Antonioni. L’Avventura made a huge impact on me. I think [because of the way] the mystery kind of dissolves and it’s about the journey, not the solution.

What film do you wish you’d made? I don’t. Filmmaking is personal and it’s so much an expression of perspective when done with care and love—though obviously, there’s stuff that’s just churned out. I never see something and say “I wish I made that”. One of the things I find hard is when people critique films and say they would’ve done this differently. I’ve become very sensitive to that over time because every choice you make as a filmmaker is so specific and thought out. I try to consume movies without knowing anything about them or making any kind of judgment. I just let them be what they are and wash over me.

Which newcomer director should we all keep our eyes on? I don’t think I’m looking out for new stuff necessarily. Once I get to see something, everyone else already knows about it. One person I would say is Dave Franco, who I just worked with on The Rental. I was an executive producer and I was a creative bounce-board for Dave through the process. It’s his first film and it’s astonishingly directed. We were getting dailies from the first week and we were like, “This is his first movie? This is insane!” I think he will do some exciting things.

Finally, what’s your favorite film of 2020 so far? I was absolutely blown away by Eliza Hittman’s film Never Rarely Sometimes Always. I miss having retrospectives at local theaters, which I’m always keyed into no matter the city I’m living in. I’ve started watching a lot of Criterion Channel and I watched a movie recently that’s taken over my brain: Variety, by Bette Gordon, from 1983. It’s set in New York City around Times Square, and it’s this incredible journey that this woman goes on that captured my mind.

Related content

Sean Durkin’s Life in Film list

Sean Durkin’s Sight & Sound Top 10

Clarissa’s list of films that burn slowly

Everything Carrie Coon watched during quarantine (and the best of that huge list)

Tracy Letts and Carrie Coon’s 24-Hour Movie Marathon

Follow Jack on Letterboxd

The Science of Reduction

In my view, John’s blog and Sherlock’s website both represent a more realistic version of what might actually have happened in the BBC Sherlock narrative; a believable kind of ‘reality’ that doesn’t need extraordinary explanations or complicated assumptions to make sense. As opposed to the big Drama we see in the actual show, these online versions - slightly childish as they may be - tell a kind of story that appears to be at least plausible. But maybe they’re also a bit more limited and therefore boring?

It goes to show, I think, that “Poetry or Truth”, which Lestrade claims are the same thing in TAB, indeed are very different concepts. As an enhanced version of reality, enriched by human creativity and emotion, Poetry can give far more interesting results than any attempt at approaching Truth ‘scientifically’. But it can also derail into absurdity, as shown by S4. 

Sherlock’s website is, in a sense, ‘scientific’; very logically constructed and categorized, brief and minimalistic. No superfluous information to be found, no dramatic embroidery of the facts. Occam’s razor. 

On the surface, the only hints of emotion being involved are Sherlock’s whining about people being stupid, predictable and boring, showing us how lonely that makes him feel. The contrast to how he comes across in the show, and its display of his ‘inner life’, is striking. But now the website has - unlike John’s blog - been taken down, which I suspect might reflect the fact that Sherlock has left ‘reality’ and chosen to go deeper into himself.

But after realising from this post that The Science of Deduction is actually still there, saved on the Way Back Machine (thanks for that, @khanhizon1999!), I took to look a little further into it, and noticed several interesting things:

1. Sherlock seems to be a very lazy ‘blogger’, who has reduced the info on his own website to a minimum, since he has only written down one single case for his readers to look at: The Green Ladder. Not even his analyses of tobacco (referred to in ASiB, dismissed by John) or perfume (referred to in THoB, when he encourages Mrs Hudson to look it up) are actually posted. For the rest of the ‘new’ cases - The Blind Banker and ‘The Serial Suicides’ (A Study in Pink) - he simply refers to John’s blog. And for The Aluminium Crutch and The Great Game he doesn’t even bother to do that. 

TBC under the cut. 

2. So, what was so special about The Green Ladder for Sherlock to both do the effort of writing it down, and then not erase it like he did with the tobacco analysis? I mean, since this case is about a guy who actually gets killed for being both superstitious and predictable (a bit like Lord Carmichael’s idiocy in TAB, perhaps), what could possibly raise Sherlock’s interest about it to the point of discussing details on his website? I bet it’s out of nostalgic Sentiment. ;) It definitely seems like this was the case Sherlock was working on when he first met John. Which we can deduce by the text message he left on John’s phone:

I’ll also speculate that he deleted the tobacco study because John didn’t like it, while he kept this one because it just might impress John. 

3. It also strikes me, however, that nowhere on this website can we read about how Sherlock can identify “a software designer by his tie” or "a retired plumber by his left hand” (PILOT) or “an airline pilot by his left thumb” (ASiP). Did Sherlock delete that as well, just because John seemed incredulous? :) Or were these claims parts of the now archived cases, for example ‘The Laughing Pilot’? 

4. The names of the cases. I used to believe that all the fanciful titles of John’s blog posts were due to his own creativity. But here we have a whole bunch of inspiring case names created by Sherlock himself:

Some of these titles definitely seem to be little nods to canon: 

The Man With Four Legs - The Man With the Twisted Lip (TWIS)

The Crooked House - The Crooked Man (CROO)

The Missing Jars - The Missing Three-Quarter (MISS)

The Abernetty Family - The Abbey Grange (ABBE)

The Purple Woman - The Red Circle (CIRC)

The Confusion of Isadora Persano is reduced to a mere title, but it’s actually taken directly from canon’s The Problem of Thor Bridge (THOR), where Watson tells us: “A third case worthy of note is that of Isadora Persano, the wellknown journalist and duellist, who was found stark staring mad with a matchbox in front of him which contained a remarkable worm, said to be unknown to science.”  

Which immediately makes me think of John’s blog post The Inexplicable Matchbox: “The situation with Isaac Persano hit the headlines, obviously. He was found, in a hotel room, surrounded by matchboxes. And he couldn't speak”. A case which Sherlock included in his Best Man speech in TSoT: “A French decathlete found completely out of his mind, surrounded by one thousand, eight hundred and twelve matchboxes – all empty except this one”. 

We never got to know what this matchbox contained, though. In the show, there’s only one worm I can think of (and no - I don’t count the maggots Sherlock shows Archie in TSoT, or the ones crawling out of Emelia Ricoletti’s dead body in TAB; they’re larvae, not worms, and they’re not new to science :) ). The one I’m thinking of is the ‘earworm’ of Eurus’ suggestions that drives Doctor Taylor mad enough to kill his family, according to the Governor of Sherrinford in TFP. I don’t know if such a thing is ‘unknown to science’, but it’s certainly quite unlikely, isn’t it?

But what about the rest of the cases? What’s with, for example, the Subdivided Crooner? :))) It’s also interesting to know that there’s a ghost at Barts’ hospital. Is that supposed to be a premonition about Sherlock? :)

5. There’s also a (supposedly) ongoing case called The Major's Cat. How many majors do we meet in the show? Well, there’s Major Barrymore in THoB, Major Reed in TSoT and Major Sholto, also in TSoT. But none of them comes across as a cat lover, though, do they? :) And this case happens before we get to know either of these majors. An interesting piece in this puzzle is a client, a poster called T Thompson who wants help with a missing cat.

OK, so this is the major - a famous boxer named T. ‘The Major’ Thompson! Clearly something more than a missing cat is going on in this case. Sherlock deduces brilliantly that his client is secretive because he wants to avoid a scandal; thus, he’s probably famous. Cats are also linked to Greenwich in the title The Killer Cats of Greenwich, which in turn makes me think of “the bloody Greenwich pips” in TGG - the episode in which the naked cat Sekhmet figures. Lots of cats here. ;)

Eventually, Sherlock posts a new comment  - possibly having to do with the case of the Major’s missing cat:

“Ha! Brilliant! Oh, very very clever! I love it when a criminal knows what he's doing. The cat was in the television! Fake screen. Brilliant.” I’d love to know what this case was actually about (apart from cat abuse) - it’s not often we see Sherlock expressing that kind of emotion :) But, anyway: more cats?! I can’t find a single dog on Sherlock’s website, which surprises me, since the show is full of them, and there’s also a few on John’s blog.

It’s also interesting to see Mike Stanford tell Sherlock about John’s blog, shortly after he’s moved in to 221B. Pretty soon Sherlock also starts to get anonymous threats on his website, combined with some ciphers, which Sherlock uses to entertain his readers. 

6. The three encrypted messages sent to Sherlock’s website by an anonymous reader - *cough* Moriarty *cough* - bring rather scarce information. I’ve tried to apply all three of the ciphers to seemingly meaningless words like “UMQRA” or “AGRA”, but of no result this far. Just like Sherlock’s declarations of the case solutions to Moriarty in TGG about Carl Powers, Ian Monkford and Raoul de Santos, I think these ciphers are the least interesting items on the website. But I might be proven very wrong of course! :)

7. Then, finally, we have the Forum, where the most substantial message is from little Kirsty Stapleton who lost her glowing rabbit to science (fully investigated in THoB). One thing that strikes me is that Kirsty asks about John “Is he a real Dr?”. Which very much reminds me of TLD, where Culverton asks John: “Are you really a doctor?”  

Also the rest of the Forum’s old comments do have some interest, even if they’re usually reduced to exchanges of a few words between Sherlock and the people who knows him: John, Lestrade, Molly, Mike Stanford, Sarah Sawyer, the fan Jacob Sowersby and long-term poster Moriarty ‘theimprobableone’. First of all we learn that Sherlock moved out from Montague street due to “disagreement with landlord”. Very strange indeed, seeing as Sherlock must be such a lovely tenant. ;)) 

We also learn that Moriarty ‘theimprobableone’ is flirting with Sherlock via his website from start; he tries to ask him out and even offers Sherlock to move in with him! In this context maybe we should remember that the last time we heard from Moriarty ‘theimprobableone’ was after John’s wedding, when Sherlock had hacked into his blog and tried to find some company online. The answer was: “i am interested but I am going out on a date”.

And - back to Sherlock’s website - there’s also Molly, trying to get Sherlock’s attention by claiming she found a tie at Barts that might be his. We also see Lestrade getting desperate over the serial ‘suicides’ and wanting Sherlock’s help, which the latter deflects. Hard to see how Sherlock is ‘married to his job’ here. :)

Sherlock’s reaction to the ‘Bond night’ is also quite entertaining:

He calls Bond ‘ridiculous’ until ‘theimprobableone’ butts in, then he suddenly begins to appreciate it more. ;)

And we do get a possible explanation as to why Sherlock takes on the dubious Belarus case of Barry Berwick: John needs the money! :)

Finally, I think an interesting little detail is that, once again, an ambassador is mentioned in BBC Sherlock - a recurring theme! ;)

Tagging some people who might be interested:

@ebaeschnbliah @sarahthecoat @raggedyblue @gosherlocked @the-signs-of-two @loveismyrevolution @sagestreet 

Lacuna | Chapter 10

“I guess I should have asked the Civil Corps to check out the cave first.” Mayor Gale frowned.

Kahli’s gaze narrowed on him. “I want hazard pay.”

Gale grinned. “Yes, of course, I suppose it’s the least we can do. Gotta hand it to ya, though, you really took care of things down there. I’m glad to see you’re alright.”

It was late, nearing midnight, and Kahli had just gotten Dr. Xu’s approval to return home, but not without answering all of Gale’s questions, first. She thanked Dr. Xu, then let herself out of the clinic. The night air was warm and humid, and to her surprise, the town was relatively quiet. No loud laughter came from the Round Table, and everyone seemed to be in their homes for the night. She was more or less alone. But not for long.

“How ya feeling?”

Kahli looked up, surprised to see Arlo watching her. She wasn’t sure how long he had been there, but she was too tired to care. She kept walking down toward the plaza, and Arlo fell in step beside her.

“Like I was slammed against a damn wall,” Kahli muttered. “Do you think blood stains are easy enough to remove from clothes?” She held an arm up, the sleeve covered in dried blood.

“I may know a few secrets for that,” Arlo said.

Kahli sighed and blew her hair out of her face.

“I can’t believe you did that.”

“Hm?”

“Took on a hoard of bandirats.”

Kahli glanced at him and smirked. “Impressed?”

“A little bit. But you should know.” He paused. “You did say you were going to try to kick my ass tomorrow.”

“Oh.” Her lips pursed. “I’m kinda thinking of taking the day off. You know, to rest and recuperate from my battle with the rat king.”

“Phew,” Arlo said. “I was worried.”

“Oh, keep worrying,” Kahli said. “Your ass kicking is coming. Just not tomorrow.”

Arlo smiled. “Well. I’ll sleep with one eye opened, then.”

“That would be wise,” Kahli said with a nod. “Never know when I might strike.”

“If you ever get tired of being a builder, you’d make a good Civil Corps officer, I think.”

Kahli glanced at him. “I bet the Flying Pigs will be begging me to join them.”

“You keeping that sword?”

They paused in the plaza. Kahli held the blade out before her, then swung it around her. She tried to spin it, but failed miserably, and it dropped. She reached out to try to catch it, but instead, tripped on her own two feet. Arlo caught her before she could fall on top of the sword, pulling her into him. They froze for a moment, then Kahli quickly pulled away. She cleared her throat, scratched her head, and turned away to hide her blushing cheeks. She picked up the sword and turned it over, as if inspecting it.

“Maybe you shouldn’t play with deadly weapons,” Arlo said.

“Maybe you shouldn’t play with deadly weapons,” Kahli mocked.

Arlo crossed his arms. “That’s mature.”

“That’s mature.”

“Are you done?”

“Are you done?” When he didn’t respond, she glanced at him, then smiled sheepishly. “Sorry,” she muttered. “I’m a child.”

“Clearly.”

She let the sword rest against her shoulder and marched away from him. “I guess someone’ll just have to teach me how to use it,” she said.

Arlo watched as she disappeared around the corner. When he turned, he was met by Emily and Sonia, grinning ear to ear.

“Arlo,” Sonia said in greeting. “Whatcha doing? Saving damsels?”

“No,” he muttered, then turned away abruptly.

They giggled, and Emily hurried to catch up with Kahli.

“So,” she started. “What did you do all day?”

“Got my ass handed to me by a bunch of rats,” Kahli muttered.

“Word on the street is you’re the one that did some ass kicking,” Emily said. “But you know that’s not what I want to know.”

“My brain has been jostled around,” Kahli sighed. “No guessing games, please.”

“Are you just going to pretend that didn’t happen?”

“What didn’t happen?”

“C’mon, Kahli, Sonia and I saw it all.”

“So I embarrassed myself with a sword.” She rolled her eyes.

“If there weren’t clothes between you both -”

“Oh my god,” Kahli muttered. “Shut up.”

“He likes you,” Emily sang.

“Why the hell would you think that?”

“Because that was the most tragically awkward thing I have ever witnessed.”

“It could have happened to anyone.”

“So why were you both so blushy and weird?”

They stopped in front of her house. Kahli turned to her. “He was blushy and weird?”

“What do you care?” Emily grinned.

“I don’t!” Kahli snapped.

Emily laughed. “That’s the most action you’ve gotten in years.”

“Shut up!”

“I can’t wait until the day where I can say I told you so.”

“You’ll die waiting.”

Emily started walking backwards, smirking. “I don’t think so.”

*****

Kahli debated leaving her house the next morning, fearing that she may run into Arlo. She wasn’t sure if what Emily said was true, or how awkward things may be between them. Maybe she was way overthinking it all. Maybe he didn’t think twice about what had happened. That was the more likely scenario; he was just a guy stopping a stupid, idiot girl from killing herself with her own sword. There was nothing more to it than that.

But she couldn’t hide away in her house, either. Without a distraction, she would surely go crazy trying to analyze every moment between them. So she decided the best thing to do was busy herself in her workshop. A quick trip to the commerce guild may provide the distraction she needed; she just needed to get in and out of town before seeing anyone she didn’t want to see.

She made it to the commerce building with no issues, and Presley greeted her enthusiastically.

“The mayor has secured the funding to make five dee-dee transports,” he said. “This will be a big task; are you up for working on one?”

Transportation seemed a daunting project. Building bridges and fences, while challenging, at least didn’t require anything more than wood and tools. Vehicles, however, were an entirely different story. They required engines, and wiring, and gas and oil to make everything run. She knew her father had some detailed notes about these things in his notebooks, but still, she hesitated.

“Give it a try,” Presley said, sensing her hesitation. “It’ll be good to learn something new, hm? I’m sure the gals at the research center could help ya out.” And with that, he left Kahli alone.

“Psst.”

Kahli glanced over at Antoine, who was grinning just as Emily and Sonia were the night before, and she sighed. She approached him slowly, and Antoine leaned against the desk.

“How was your night last night?” he said.

“I spent it alone,” Kahli hissed at him.

“If Dr. Xu ever held me like that -”

“There was no holding!” Kahli barked.

Presley looked up from his desk, catching Kahli’s gaze with curiosity, and she slid down in front of Antoine’s desk in an attempt to hide herself. She poked her nose over and glared at him.

“I swear to god, Antoine -”

Antoine leaned over and grinned down at her. “Don’t make that dee-dee blow up or anything, kay?”

Kahli returned to her feet and snarled at him. Then, without another word, she turned on her heels and stormed out of the building.

She couldn’t return home right away, however; she was sure she would need Petra’s help if she - as Antoine so gently put it - didn’t want the dee-dee to blow up.

Petra didn’t have much information that she didn’t already know, however. The vehicles would require more of the small engines buried in the ruins around Portia. Petra did, however, offer some helpful advice.

“There are still some of those ancient robots roaming around in the ruins,” she explained. “They’re dangerous and they will attack, so you’ll need to be careful.”

Of course there would be more things that wanted to kill her. It seemed if she wanted to have any luck building the dee-dees, she would need to improve her fighting skills. And that wasn’t a task she was quite ready for, since it would require talking to Arlo.

Or Sam. She could talk to Sam. Sam did offer to teach her a thing or two, after all. And she had heard a few times that Sam was equally as skilled as Arlo - if not better. Arlo probably would never admit it, but she got the sense that it was probably true.

To her relief, Sam was in town on patrol when Kahli left the research center, and Sam greeted her excitedly when Kahli approached.

“There she is!” Sam said. “The Bandirat Killer! The Hero of Portia! I am not worthy!” She bowed dramatically.

“Are you done?”

Sam laughed. “To what do I owe this honor, oh Great One?”

Kahli hesitated. “I, uh, maybe have a favor to ask of you?”

Sam raised a curious brow. “Oh?”

“I’ve gotta go find some engines in some ruins for Gale,” Kahli started. “Petra said they’re full of nasty robots.”

Sam nodded. “Yup.”

“I was wondering… you know, after my adventure with the bandirats and all… if you could, maybe…”

Sam grinned. “You wanna learn how to not kill yourself with a sword?”

Kahli blushed. “How’d you know?” Had Sam seen the awkwardness unfold, too? Her stomach twisted; would she be the talk of the whole town?

Sam shrugged. “Well, you’re not exactly a trained fighter, right? You just picked that thing up off a dead rat and nearly got yourself killed.”

Relief washed over her. Kahli cleared her throat. “Right. Exactly. That’s exactly it. I am ill prepared for this. Please help me, Great One.”

Sam laughed. “You are wise to come to me for this,” she said. “No one is better than I. I’ll make a fighter outta ya. I’ll make you so good, you could kick even Arlo’s ass!”

Kahli smiled. “That’s all I could ever hope for,” she said.

Uchiha MC Bonus Scene: "Flower Shop"

A/N: Find the main story on FFN + AO3! This bonus scene is a deleted scene from chapter seventeen and shows Madara’s experience buying a bouquet for Sakura from the Yamanaka Flower Shop... and the consequences that follow.

After passing by a sprawling flower shop on his way to Sakura's apartment, Madara had, on impulse, decided to pick up a bouquet of flowers for his old lady. Turning around, he had parked outside of the large storefront and, passing beneath a banner displaying the name ‘Yamanaka Flower Shop’, he entered the building. The gentle tinkling of a bell sounded as he swung open the glass door and, as he passed the threshold and into the air conditioned building, he was met with the soothing aroma of flowers and the quiet sound of upbeat music.

Faced with a startlingly vast plethora of flowers before him, he quickly became overwhelmed with the sheer amount of plants contained within the store. Flowers of all shapes and sizes dominated the many aisles in the shop and blanketed the simply painted building with bright shocks of unique and plentiful colors. Bewildered by the sheer quantity of flowers before him, he was grateful when he was able to zero in on his goal: red roses.

Satisfied at having found his prize, Madara strode forward to grab a particularly charming bouquet of the crimson flowers. As he reached out to pluck the bundle of flowers from the bucket of water they sat in, he was interrupted by the sound of a familiar, feminine voice.

“Jeez, I didn’t know Sakura’s old man was so old fashioned. Bo-ring!”

Blinking in surprise, Madara raised his head to find the source of the voice and was horrified to discover Sakura’s friend sitting behind the counter on the opposite end of the store, a smirk spread across her face. He tensed when he realized that not only was the woman one of Sakura’s friends but that she had been the one who had, when he had accidentally met all of Sakura’s female companions, openly ogled his shirtless body. The same woman who had made sure to tell him to inform the unattached members of his family of her own single status before his departure.

“Er, you’re… Sakura’s friend…” he greeted awkwardly, his gaze flicking down to her name badge. Ino.

“Best friend, actually,” Ino corrected before she loosely gestured to the bouquet he had been about to pick, “So, you gonna be boring and get her plain old red roses? You should know that Sakura is a bit more picky than that. Don’t you want to, you know, impress her?”

Madara narrowed his eyes at the blonde criticizing his choice in flowers. What was wrong with red roses? They were a classic!

Turning to face the aisles of hundreds of flowers laid out before him, dozens of different species of flora overflowing the shelves they occupied, he wondered if perhaps he could do with a bit of creativity. Especially if what this woman was insinuating was correct. After all, not only did he want to express to Sakura how much her love and acceptance meant to him but he intended to ask her to move in with him that night.

Perhaps it would do him and his chances some good if he brought his old lady a bouquet with a bit more thought put into it…

Those yellow ones with the red edges looked quite lovely.

As Madara walked over to the water bucket containing a bundle of the flowers that had caught his eye, Ino’s voice rang out through the shop once again. “What, are you trying to tell her to beware? That’s kind of concerning coming from you, biker guy.”

His gaze snapped back to Ino, unsettled. He knew flowers had hidden meanings but beware?

Turning back to the choices in his immediate vicinity, he spotted a bucket of white flowers with yellow centers, their pleasing aroma strong enough to be smelled from where he stood. When his hand hovered over the six petaled flowers, the woman’s voice called out once again.

“Was there a funeral? Should I be worried?” she questioned, quirking a finely manicured eyebrow at him.

Madara scoffed, his hand flopping back to his side as he turned to glare at the blonde happily perched behind the counter. She returned his glare with a sly smile, unbothered by his displeasure.

“You know, I could help you out here… for a price,” Ino suggested, perching her elbow on the counter before her and resting her chin on her palm.

“Oh? And what would that be?” he asked as he walked up to the counter, crossing his arms across his chest.

He was very familiar with the sound of an offer about to be made, the tone of a deal to be struck. As he looked down at the deceptively innocent looking woman before him, he wondered how well she could haggle and what her starting price would be for such a task.

“What I want is information. Sakura has an Uchiha now, even psycho Karin has one too! I want one of my own,” Ino explained, pouting up at him.

Madara grimaced, horrified to hear this woman speaking of his family members as if they were trophies to be collected. “You are a… very disarming woman, do you know that?”

“I just know how to get what I want,” Ino laughed in return, waving her hand in dismissal, “So, do we have a deal or what?”

His eyes narrowed. “What sort of information are you looking to get from me? You’re dreaming if you think I’ll be giving you the phone numbers or addresses of my club mates.”

“As if. What sort of sane person would go on a date with some random girl who called them or, even worse, showed up at their house?” she scoffed in response, “What I want is the location of one of your next club runs, one like the run you had at that Sound Four concert. It’s not exactly like you all have a website where I can go to find this information out.”

“I can see why you’re Sakura’s friend. You’re devious, aren’t you?” Madara sighed, glancing back to the bouquets of red roses nearby.

He should just get Sakura some roses and be done with it. Although his old lady was worth so much more than just that… Not to mention this Ino woman would surely get back to Sakura about this particular interaction.

He was never coming near this place again.

“Well, if getting the perfect bouquet for your ‘old lady’, better known as my best friend, isn’t that important to you, well…” Ino shrugged. “I’m sure she’ll be thrilled to get a bunch of funeral flowers instead.”

“I’m tempted to give you Obito’s information just because your ruthlessness would match his…” Madara grumbled in response, leaning against the counter.

“The one with the bandana over his eye? Yeah, he’s cute, but he’s not my type.”

Madara’s eyebrows rose high onto his forehead. “It’s concerning that you already know the names of my officers.”

“You do know that Sakura has a facebook right?” Ino deadpanned in response, “That Obito guy has a weird sense of humor, by the way, he sounds like a serial killer. All of his comments on Sakura’s posts are creepy. And I’m not even going to talk about their perverted little book club.”

“Perverted little…? Ugh… Those two and their books,” Madara muttered before rubbing the bridge of his nose between his fingers. He’d never understand those two and how they bonded so bizarrely over Jiraiya’s dirty novels. Part of him wasn’t sure if he even wanted to understand.

“Listen, you better give me something good here if you want results,” she declared, her sly smile now replaced with the look of a haggler who knew they were going to get the best deal.

Madara stared down at the blonde before him as he thought, allowing the silence to stretch between them. He realized that this wolf of a woman had backed him into a corner and that, if he wanted to get out of this bargain on top, he’d need to give her fresh meat. As he stared into her far too perceptive eyes, an idea occurred to him and he nearly smirked at the brilliance of it.

Two birds, one stone.

“Very well then. Perhaps you’d be more interested in someone closer to your age?” Madara began, noticing as her posture changed to reflect her interest, “I’m sure you must have seen him if you make a habit of perusing Sakura’s facebook. The only one of our group with curly hair?”

Ino leaned back in her chair as she gazed up at him. “Go on.”

“His name is Shisui, although somehow I’m sure you already know. When he’s not at the clubhouse, you can usually find him at his studio downtown.”

“Studio you say? What kind of studio?”

“An art studio,” he answered nonchalantly, “He’s an artist. A painter.”

“He paints!” Ino crowed with excitement before clearing her throat and turning to look to the side with feigned indifference, “I mean… Artists can be so fickle.”

“Perhaps. Perhaps you could find out for yourself. After all, the Nadeshiko branch of the club will be working security for a women’s march out of town here soon. While I can’t spare many members of my branch for the event at this time, Shisui and a few others volunteered to help out,” Madara explained, not failing to notice how her eyes flicked back over to him as he spoke, “They’ll be out with the protesters, marching with them and making sure they’re safe. I’m certain he’d be more than willing to chat about contemporary art if you brought him a couple of porters.”

Ino hummed in approval as she watched him with the eyes of a cat who had spotted their prey, “You Uchiha really outdo yourselves, you know that? Gorgeous and feminists? How rare is that nowadays?

“Do we have a deal or what?” he shot back, narrowing his eyes at the blonde.

“Hmm…” Ino considered him for a long moment before finally nodding, “I suppose. Give me the address.”

“Flowers first and then you get your info.”

“Smart move,” Ino laughed before standing from her stool with a dramatic sigh, “Let’s see, let’s see…”

Madara’s gaze followed Ino as she walked up and down the aisles, gathering various flowers as she hummed along to the song playing on the radio. Some of the flowers she considered, rubbing her chin in thought, before either abandoning or collecting them. When she returned, she had an armful overflowing with her finds.

He watched silently as she worked, expertly trimming and arranging the flowers into an intricate bouquet of red and pink with white accents among the petals. Some of the flowers she had chosen wound up in a pile next to her intricate bouquet, not deemed acceptable for her slowly forming masterpiece. As she finished her work, tying a sage green ribbon around the stems and wrapping them in a protective plastic sheath, he wondered if she purposefully chose the colors of his club and the color of Sakura’s hair for the bundle of flowers.

When Ino set the bouquet on the counter, finally finished with her work, Madara could admit that he was surprised by how pretty the arrangement was. Even if he couldn't name a single flower in the bunch he could appreciate the work Ino put into it.

She was quick to ring him up, Madara swiping his card before she handed him his receipt with a sly smile. He stared down at her for a few heartbeats, the blonde and her smile unphased as she stared back. This woman was shrewd, calculating, and remorseless.

She would make an excellent sergeant at arms in a club.

Madara grabbed a pen, a fake flower taped to the top, from a small vase filled with glass beads before flipping over his receipt and writing the information for the women’s march on the back. Once finished, he flipped over the paper, tearing off his information from the top to avoid this ever coming back to bite him.

“This never happened,” he informed in a low voice as he returned the pen to its vase.

“Yeah, yeah, I know the drill. Cough up your end of the deal,” Ino growled back, holding out her hand expectantly.

Madara handed her the receipt and, after she checked the writing on the back of the paper, she smiled up at him in a way that reminded him of a predator.

“Pleasure doing business with you. Thank you for coming to the Yamanaka Flower Shop and have a beautiful day!” Ino singsonged, the practiced farewell of her shop making the entire exchange feel somehow unreal.

“You too,” he replied simply, gathering up his bouquet and retreating from the store.

The gentle ringing of the bell as he passed through the glass door and into the bright sunlight outside only added to the haze of leaving that exchange behind him. He felt startlingly drained by the interaction with Sakura’s friend, more so than even some negotiations he had made with outlaw clients in the past.

Madara was careful as he loaded the bouquet into the saddle bag on his bike, hoping that the ride to Sakura’s apartment didn’t ruin his purchase. After all he had gone through to get it, he just hoped that Sakura would like the bundle of flowers.

Although Madara nearly felt bad for throwing his cousin to the wolf at the flower shop in order to get them… Nearly.

Perhaps with a woman like Ino at his heels, Shisui would finally abandon the lingering infatuation he still harbored for Sakura and leave his old lady alone once and for all.

~~

That night, after finally tiring one another out in bed and finally finding the energy to don their sleeping clothes, Madara and Sakura had emerged from her bedroom with the intention of eating a late dinner together. With her dressed in nothing but his shirt and her panties, she had gone to collect the bouquet that she had abandoned on her couch following her confrontation with her parents.

After pressing her face into the bundle to smell the fragrant flowers within, she carried the bouquet into her kitchen, a delighted swing in her barely concealed hips. She filled an astoundingly hideous, frog shaped vase with water and placed her gift inside, proudly displaying her flowers on her kitchen table.

Turning to face him with a bright smile, she had thrown her arms around his bare shoulders, Madara immediately looping his arms around her waist to bring her closer.

“Thank you for the flowers, Dara, I love them,” Sakura thanked, leaning up to press a sweet, lingering kiss to his lips.

“I’m glad you like them…” he hummed in return, deeply satisfied, before curiously asking, “Do you know their meanings?”

“I have no idea. I don’t know a thing about flowers, honestly,” Sakura laughed as she happily nestled against his chest, “They’re very pretty though.”

Madara felt his breath leave his lungs in one burst at her admission. Sagging in defeat, he dropped his forehead against her shoulder with a groan. Of course Sakura didn’t know anything about flowers. He should have known that that wolf Ino was playing him for a fool. He should have just gotten Sakura roses like he had planned and he could have avoided that whole interaction.

He could have also avoided the guilt he could feel creeping in when he realized just who he had sent after his young cousin. If Ino had tricked him so readily, there was no way Shisui would stand a chance...

“Is something wrong?” Sakura asked, concern in her tone at his sudden moroseness.

“I think I might have put Shisui in danger,” he grumbled against her neck, feeling more like he had placed a hit on his cousin than anything else.

“What?”

Hey, what do you thinkMafia Atsushi is like? Im so curious- also what do you think of it? (Went to Mafia from orphanage like canon time instead of Ada)

Ooooooh boy, hold on to your fucking hats, you bunch of sinners, because do I ever have some thoughts about Mafia Atsushi.

To start off, I don’t think his personality is a whole lot different. He’s eighteen when he’s booted out of the orphanage, after all, and at that age your personality’s pretty cemented. Sure, there’s minor changes after that age, and drastic circumstances can change anyone, but his main being- what makes Atsushi fundamentally Atsushi- isn’t going to change. He will always be a bit of a clueless, bumbling tiger-boy with a sweet personality and self-esteem issues.

That being said, his worldview is going to change dramatically. When we meet him at the first episode, he’s on the verge of starving; it takes him that long to decide he’s going to steal so he can eat. Petty theft, just so he can survive, doesn’t really cross his mind for awhile. He’s just not geared to crime, and we can assume he’s got a pretty solid set of morals. So, to drive him to an organization like the Port Mafia, something drastic has to happen.

He’s never known personal comforts, so a life on the streets just wouldn’t be enough. Whatever drives him to the Port Mafia has to be an experience so jarring, so shaking to Atsushi’s very core, that it completely undermines all of his morality. 

In my opinion; Atsushi figures out he’s a were-tiger on his own, likely after a horrible accident in which he can no longer hold the beast back and it kills someone. We all know how much Atsushi values the life of other people; being responsible for an innocent’s death would destroy him, and he’d be searching desperately for any way to control his ability. His safest bet would be the Port Mafia; probably, he’d be lured in with the promise that he’d only have to do petty crime, and wouldn’t have to go through with anything that ends up with more blood on his hands. Something like Ango’s position.

Of course, Atsushi’s ability boasts too many destructive capabilities to simply let him keep books. So they’d have to work on a way to warp him into a killer. Likely, the simplest way would be to pick at his self-esteem issues even more; this is already his weakest point, and with a murder hanging over his head, Atsushi’s not going to be gaining any love for himself. They’d have to pound that sentiment of ‘I’m no good’ into his head so deep that he’s going beyond just trying to prove that he’s good enough to live, that he’s better than what those at the orphanage painted him as, like we see him doing throughout the series. He would have to abandon ‘good enough’ to live entirely. Atsushi would need to resort to finding any reason to live, and there’s just the point they’d keep him at; cracked, but not broken. The Port Mafia would offer bloodshed, and Atsushi, so eager to please that he’ll do anything if they’ll just assure him that he’s valid, that he deserves life, will grasp at that bloodshed.

I’d have to say that they’d treat him a lot like Dazai treated Akutagawa. There’s a lot of similarities between the two in destructive capabilities alone. The Port Mafia would want to unlock that. Can Atsushi flower and grow with the Port Mafia, like we’ve seen him do with Dazai’s encouragement and the ADA’s support? Not even a little. But he can progress, so a Mafia Atsushi would be who-knows-how-much stronger than canon Atsushi. He would truly be a terrifying, killing force like nothing we can even imagine.

That being said, like I mentioned before, he’s still fundamentally Atsushi. A mafia Atsushi wouldn’t be a carbon copy of Akutagawa, even though the two would undoubtedly be more similar than they are already are.

Atsushi would become an asset to the Port Mafia. We’ve already seen his self-sacrificing ways, and with the manipulation he would be put through, that trait would skyrocket. He’d latch on to his coworkers and would lay down his life for them in an instant. He wouldn’t suddenly turn ruthless, either; he’d only resort to violence if it was his last option, or if it was expressly commanded. 

Mafia Atsushi would be like canon Atsushi, but if canon Atsushi stood in front of a fun-house mirror. Everything’s basically the same, but some aspects are blown way out of proportion, and some are shrunk down. 

As for my opinion; I think it’s a super interesting concept, and I love to delve into the particulars, but it can’t be good for Atsushi. While Dazai might not be the best mentor (Chuuya as a mentor AUs slay me but I think that probably wouldn’t happen just because of how much the Port Mafia would need to change Atsushi as a person, and Chuu-Chuu doesn’t strike me as the best manipulator) he’s still offering Atsushi encouragement. To grow and overcome his flaws, he needs that positive support.

The switched Atsushi art is really hot, though, which is a plus.

Book Recommendations: Da Big List, Non-Fiction Edition

(same disclaimer applies)

-The Seven Lives of Colonel Patterson: How an Irish Lion Hunter Led the Jewish Legion to Victory by Denis Brian. A slim biography of Colonel John Henry Patterson, a man who, among other things, led the hunt for not one but TWO man-eating lions, got involved in a scandal that inspired a story by Hemingway, and helped form what eventually evolved into the core of the Israeli Defense Force. -The Dead Travel Fast: Stalking Vampires from Nosferatu to Count Chocula by Eric Nuzum. A fun little book in which the author tries to explore vampires in pop culture from every possible angle (at the time; it was written pre-Twilight); he goes on a tour of Transylvania, visits a Dark Shadows con, watches all of Buffy, reads Dracula and Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles, plays Vampire: The Masquerade, works as a vampire at a haunted house, makes a noble effort to watch every vampire movie ever made, and more. -Popular Crime: Reflections on the Celebration of Violence by Bill James. A somewhat weightier tome, in which the creator of sabermetrics turns his attention from studying baseball to studying murder, or at least the pop culture appreciation of murder. It's rather more entertaining than you'd expect, and includes lots of good stuff; my favorites are how he explains that it is simultaneously impossible for Lizzie Borden to have murdered her parents AND for anyone else to have done it, and the bit at the end when he suggests a novel approach to prison reform. -The Devil in the White City: Murder, Magic, and Madness at the Fair That Changed America by Erik Larson. You've probably heard of this one, which explores the efforts to build the 1893 Chicago World's Fair and juxtaposes 'em with the crimes of serial killer H. H. Holmes in the same time and place. -The Golden Age of Quackery by Stuart H. Holbrook. Everything you can ever want to know about the age of patent medicines is in this book. -Sacred Monsters: Mysterious and Mythical Creatures of Scripture, Talmud, and Midrash by Rabbi Natan Slifkin. In this book, banned by several Haredi Rabbis, the author discusses various creatures mentioned in Jewish holy texts that are known not to exist and tries to figure out what it's talking about; was the term for a mundane creature mistranslated? was it a metaphor? or were the Sages of old mistaken? -1920: The Year of the Six Presidents by David Pietrusza. A fascinating look at the US presidential race for 1920, in which, as the title notes, six men who were or would become President were majorly involved. -The Ten-Cent Plague: The Great Comic-Book Scare and How It Changed America by David Hadju. A marvelous book that is exactly what is says on the tin. -Gun Guys: A Road Trip by Dan Baum. In which a man who is somehow both a liberal and a gun-lover travels America exploring various facets of American gun culture. As close to an unbiased look on the subject you're liable to get, and fun besides. -Triumph in a White Suburb: The Dramatic Story of Teaneck, N.J., the First Town in the Nation to Vote for Integrated Schools by Reginald G. Damerell. Exactly what it says on the tin. Admission; I have family in Teaneck (though they moved in much later), so my enjoyment of the book may have been skewed. -Death in the City of Light: The Serial Killer of Nazi-Occupied Paris by David King. As it says, the tale of a serial killer who used the climate of fear created by the Nazi occupation of Paris to lure his victims and cover up his crimes, and afterwards tried to escape justice by claiming to be a resistance fighter. -The Forger's Spell: A True Story of Vermeer, Nazis, and the Greatest Art Hoax of the Twentieth Century by Edward Dolnick. The tale of Dutch art forger Hans van Meegren, who's counterfeit Vermeers were only exposed when he was put on trial for selling one to Goering. -Operation Mincemeat: The True Spy Story That Changed the Course of WWII by Ben Macintyre. The story of how British Intelligence used a corpse to convince the Nazis that the Allies were planning to invade Sardinia instead of Sicily. -Charlemagne's Tablecloth: A Piquant History of Feasting by Nichola Fletcher. As the subtitle suggests, this book looks at feasting throughout history, exploring not only what people of different times and places chose to ate when they feasted and why, but the cultural activities that accompanied the eating. -Longitude: The True Story of a Lone Genius Who Solved the Greatest Scientific Problem of His Time by Dava Sobel. Tells the story of the 18th Cenutry quest to create a reliable method of telling time at sea, and of John Harrison, the man whose invention of the chronometer solved the problem. The book was later re-released as The Illustrated Longitude, with a lavish array of photos and such, which is what I read. -Why Did the Chicken Cross the World?: The Epic Saga of the Bird That Powers Civilization by Andrew Lawler. In which the origins of the world's most common barnyard fowl are explored and it's surprisingly powerful impact on history are explicated. -Connections by James Burke. Written as companion to a 1978 TV documentary, this is a marvelous history of science and invention, showing how seemingly disparate discoveries and events led to many of the cornerstones of the modern world. -A. J. Jacobs is a writer for Esquire magazine who will periodically spend a year doing...something, and then write a book about the experience, spiced up with interviews with relevant experts. I've read four of these books; they are vastly better than they have any right to be and I adore them. In order (seriously, read them in order, some of the best stuff is seeing what lifestyle changes stick between stunts), they are The Know-It-All: One Man's Humble Quest To Become the Smartest Person in the World (in which he reads the entire Encyclopedia Britannica); The Year of Living Biblically: One Man's Humble Quest To Follow The Bible As Literally As Possible (the subtitle is fairly self-explanatory); The Guinea Pig Diaries: My Life As An Experiment (a collection of shorter stunts, EG the time he impersonated a C-List movie star and crashed the Oscars, a week where he tried to live according to the precepts of Radical Honesty, stuff like that); Drop Dead Healthy: One Man's Humble Quest For Bodily Perfection (where he tries out a bunch of fad diets and exercise regimes and so forth); and It's All Relative: Adventures Up and Down the World's Family Tree (genealogy, the fact that ultimately everyone is related ot everyone else, which fact leads him to attempt to create a "Global Family Reunion") -Moveable Feasts: From Ancient Rome to the 21st Century, the Incredible Journeys of the Food We Eat by Sarah Murray. A collection of essays that explores, of all subjects, the transportation of food. Ranging from ancient Roman amphorae to modern refrigerated shipping containers, and subjects as diverse as the influence of the grain elevators of Buffalo, New York on Bauhaus architecture, the logistics of the Berlin Airlift, and the science of making MREs. -The Fortune Cookie Chronicles: Adventures in the World of Chinese Food by Jennifer 8 Lee (no, that's not a typo, her middle initial is the number eight). This is another one of those "layman author looks at a particular subject from a wide array of angles" books that I'm so fond of. In this case, as the title suggests, the subject is Chinese food, ranging from investigating the true origins of the fortune cookie and discovering who the hell General Tso was to documenting how running a Chinese restaurant caused one immigrant family to disintegrate and delving into the Great Kosher Duck Scandal of 1989. -Kosher Nation: Why More and More of America's Food Answers To A Higher Authority by Susie Fishkoff. And speaking of Kosher food, that's the subject here. I admit to being somewhat biased for obvious reasons, but this is actually a really interesting subject, and there's a lot of ground here for Fishkoff to cover; the Agriprocessors scandal, the current "kosher revival" in the Reform and Conservative movements, the intersection of Jewish kashrut and Islamic halal, the sometimes surprisingly cutthroat competition between kosher certification agencies, not to mention the nitty-gritty details of being a kashrut supervisor from the Midwest to China. -Brainiac: Adventures in the Curious, Competitive, Compulsive World of Trivia Buffs by Ken Jennings. After achieving national prominence for having the longest winning streak in the history of the game show Jeopardy!, Ken Jennings was naturally paid to write a book about it. Rather than simply produce a memoir of his experience, he decided to explore the world of trivia in general. The result is thoroughly entertaining, and of course introduces one to loads of fascinating, if useless, information. He later went on to write Maphead: Charting the Wide Weird World of Geography Wonks, which is equally entertaining. -Supergods: What Masked Vigilantes, Miraculous Mutants, and A Sun God from Smallville Can Teach Us About Being Human by Grant Morrison. This one's actually a bit difficult to define; it's partially a history of superhero comics, partially the autobiography of an acclaimed comics writer, and partially a somewhat rambling philosophical interrogation of superhero comics. It's great fun AND makes you look at certain aspects of superherodom in new ways. -Storm Kings: The Untold History of America's First Tornado Chasers by Lee Sandlin. This book chronicles the long and twisted path of tornado research. While it starts with the first documented cyclones of colonial America, the bulk of the text is taken up covering the great scientific debates of the early and mid 19th century over the nature of tornadoes. Men long forgotten, such as Espy, Hare, and Redfield are brought back to life, along with their bitter rivalries. Later sections on the efforts of the Army Signal Corps to predicate tornadoes and of the political battles on the nature of weather forecasting are equally fascinating, though are cut somewhat short - I really wish the book lasted a bit longer. Either way, Storm Kings was a truly great look at a little-known facet of history. (NOTE: This review was originally written by Alamo, but I second every word) -The Inventor and the Tycoon: A Gilded Age Murder and the Birth of Moving Pictures by Edward Ball. You've probably heard of the story about how the motion-picture was invented, and how it involved a bet made by the Governor of California on how horses galloped. However, the tale of Eadweard Muybridge, the actual inventor, is often ignored, or glossed over. As one reads this book, the reasons for that become increasingly clear. Ball chronicles the long and twisted journey that brought Muybridge from his native Britain to the wild west, and the then-famous murder he committed. (NOTE: This review was also originally written by Alamo, but again I completely agree) -Priceless: How I Went Undercover to Rescue the World's Stolen Treasures by Robert K. Wittman. This is an inside look at the FBI's efforts to recover rare pieces of art and antiquities. (NOTE: This one was also one of Alamo's, etc.) -The Secret History of Wonder Woman by Jill Lepore. A fascinating biography of William Moulton Marston, the idiosyncratic creator of the world's most famous superheroine. Really fascinating stuff. -Banquet at Delmonico's: Great Minds, the Gilded Age, and the Triumph of Evolution In America by Barry Werth. The story of how the theory of evolution became accepted a smainstream by the American elite, and the corollary origins of Social Darwinism. -Engines of Change: A History of the American Dream in Fifteen Cars by Paul Ingrassia. Honestly, the subtitle is fairly self-explanatory. -The Great Detective: The Amazing Rise and Immortal Life of Sherlock Holmes by Zach Dundas. This is another one of those "layman author looks at subject from multiple angles" books, that I'm so fond of. Very well written, occasional insightful, and with lots of cool trivia.

New Pinehurst No. 4 Puts Premium On Fun

You know a famous golf place is on a strong track when you just feel at home there, in a close and natural way, as if you’d lingered a few decades exploring its every mystery though, in reality, you’ve spent a few all-too-brief days enjoying a few rounds with friends old and new. With the opening of the new Pinehurst No. 4 after a year-long renovation under the direction of architect Gil Hanse and his longtime business partner and lead shaper Jim Wagner, the “Home of American Golf” mystique is magnified, deepened and elevated to a realm reserved for royalty — St. Andrews-Long Island-Monterey Peninsula royalty.

After spending a flawless fall afternoon on the new Pinehurst No. 4 — which occupies some of the sprawling Pinehurst property’s most dramatic real estate, right next to No. 2 — I couldn’t get over how much more alive entire enterprise feels compared to my previous visit nearly a decade ago, when the nation was in the throes of near-economic collapse and many destinations were struggling to find their way forward.

A few sights and feelings flowed through me:

A surge of fresh energy

The fading away of old-school stodginess in favor of golf for fun’s sake, while maintaining a clear connection to a past as rich as there is in American golf

The way young men and women are flooding Pinehurst’s tees, practice ranges, restaurants, bars and Hanse’s other two recent contributions — an absolute blast of a par-3 course dubbed The Cradle (which he called his “practice” for No. 4) and a rollicking putting course playfully named Thistle Du (as in “this’ll do!”), complete with drink holders on each tiny tee

How Pinehurst ownership and management has confidently invested in an inclusive future while playing up elements of an exclusive past. President Tom Pashley and owner Bob Dedman, Jr., did their homework on what 21st century golf travelers want, and they aced the exam

In short, I felt a fresh magic in the Sandhills. That’s not overstated, it’s just what is there, wafting among the pines, and in part we can thank a bunch of Cavemen for it.

Hole 4, the 14th green and 15th tee on the new Pinehurst No. 4

SHAPING THE FUTURE

“The Cavemen” is Hanse’s nickname for the handful of skilled sculptors and tenders of turf who turned his and Wagner’s vision for Course No. 4 into roiling, rangy, championship-caliber reality. Under the direction of Wagner and superintendent Kevin Robinson, the Cavemen transformed what had been wall-to-wall turf and trees, originally laid out by Donald Ross but tweaked over the decades by Tom Fazio and others, into a glowing necklace of swooping, heaving holes that, like Bill Coore and Ben Crenshaw’s careful reworking of Ross’s No. 2 masterpiece next door, bring the Sandhills’ original golf look back to the fore.

“The most underappreciated people in golf are the superintendents, the guys that take care of the golf courses,” Hanse said before hitting a ceremonial opening tee shot, after which I and other fortunate media got to preview No. 4 before it opened to the public the following day. “The architects get to stand up and take the bows, but those are the guys who make it work. You’ll see a golf course that doesn’t feel like it’s brand new. A lot of that was the work through construction — flipping the existing sod, leap-frogging it throughout the course so it’s mature. It was a challenge. Storms threw everything they had at us, but [the Cavemen] put the course back together. There’s a lot of exposed sand out there, a lot of slope, but what they’ve done is phenomenal.”

Their work, and Hanse’s, also stands starkly apart from Coore and Crenshaw’s in flow and feel, though at first glance they appear quite similar — tight fairways bleeding into rough-edge “blowout” bunkers and waste areas, which blend into primary rough punctuated by tufts of tall wire grass, which finally give way to the loblolly pines that have given this place its golf identity for more than a century. While the “new” No. 2, which reopened in advance of the back-to-back men’s and women’s U.S. Opens in 2014, builds its power via individual “set piece” holes, No. 4 offers more collective visual drama. Parts of 15 holes are visible from one of the course’s high points, the cliffhanging green on the par 3 sixth hole; a deep bunker separates the putting surface from the large lake that most fully illustrates how different No. 4 truly is from its famed sibling, though Hanse credits No. 2 for his chief inspiration.

“With Course 4 we tried to reconnect the landscape,” Hanse said. “When we looked across at No. 2 and what Bill and Ben were able to do, that’s what started this. Bill tells the story that prior to the start of Course No. 2’s restoration, some mythical figure popped out of the mist and said to him, ‘Don’t F this up.’ He knew how important Course No. 2 was to this community, this resort and this population. They did as good a job as anyone in the world could do. For us to walk through their work, their interpretation of what Ross did, that was really a great opportunity.

“I told my guys to look at something on Course No. 2 every day — the features, the subtleties, how the fairways bleed into the wire grass, which then bleed into the trees. With that as our template, we set about one of the bigger earth-moving projects we’ve ever had [400,000-500,000 cubic yards]. Hopefully you won’t know we even did it. We just put the ridges and valleys back where they should go, tied into the treelines, made this feel seamless as it transitions from Course No. 2. We looked at old aerial photographs and tried to take some of Ross’s bunker placements, glean his strategies and thoughts. So it’s a tiny bit of restoration wrapped around a giant renovation, with a couple new golf holes. We looked at it as a new golf course. We hope what we’ve done is not only a complement to No. 2, but that it becomes a must-play alongside it.”

THE PERFECT ANSWER TO NO. 2

No argument here. No. 4 is now an absolute must, and the reasons are legion. It’s is more player-friendly than No. 2, especially on and around the greens. Hanse lowered them to be more in harmony with the terrain while Wagner shaped them to be more “accepting” rather than “rejecting,” as Ross’s greens often are to stirring (and sometimes frustrating) effect. Bunkers are bigger, bolder and wilder, pushing into and across fairways to create more definitive aim points and broaden strategic choices — as on the stout par-5 ninth and the “gettable” par 4 15th, which yielded one of two birdies on my card. The other came at No. 11, the third of four gorgeous par 3s; No. 14, meanwhile, is the lone lakeside one-shotter, the perfect follow-up to the Cape-styled par-5 13th.

From the opening sharp dogleg-right to the slightly uphill, left-moving 18th, No. 4 unfolds in this way, maintaining a firm rhythm throughout even as Hanse works in pleasant grace notes and surprising shifts in tempo. For me the round reaches its crescendo at the straightaway par-5 17th, which moves beautifully through a shallow valley with two bunkers jutting sneakily into the lay-up zone. I went driver, 8-iron, 8-iron to get home in three, then goosed a downhill birdie putt to leave a wicked comebacker, which I missed. Too bad I couldn’t go back and play that instant classic again to atone, but I can’t complain — Hanse gave me a clear and friendly shot at glory there and several other times during the round. I felt both welcomed and challenged.

To me, that’s the clearest difference between No. 4 and No. 2: The former is a credentialed bucket-lister that tends to take no prisoners, leaving the average golfer bloodied but feeling blessed to witness Ross’s genius in the flesh. With its friendlier greens, wider driving lanes, new-but-old charm and epic, inviting scale, No. 4 begs for an immediate replay. It also puts Pinehurst as a whole onto a path of come-one, come-all popularity that, from where I stand, has no end.

The Deuce, which overlooks the 18th green on No. 2.

BEYOND NO. 4: BEER, BITES AND BEDS

While No. 4 starts racking up the accolades on the Pinehurst golf front, there’s plenty of new activity elsewhere at the resort, especially if you like to eat and drink.

Overlooking the 18th green of the No. 2 course is The Deuce, a cut above most golf grills in that, well, it’s next to the most famous course in North Carolina, and also happens to be stuffed with images and memorabilia of the area’s deep golf history. The burgers, appetizers, salads and entrees offer Southern flair in getaway-friendly abundance, and its bar’s taps — as with all of Pinehurst’s saloons — pour one or two local and regional microbrews.

Speaking of which, the Pinehurst Brewhouse opened in mid-October in a former steam house that dates to 1895 and provided heat and electricity to the Holly Inn just up the road. The handsome, impeccably restored brick building immediately filled to the brim with golfers, other vacationers and thirsty Village folk. Pinehurst management lured master brewer Eric Mitchell away rom Heist Brewery in Charlotte, where his IPA, Citraquench’l, was a perennial Top 10 award winner;  he’s now putting his talents into producing killer pale and brown ales, witbiers and blondes in Pinehurst’s 10-barrel facility. The restaurant’s barbecue dishes are smoked in-house, and most herbs — used in food and some of Mitchell’s concoctions — are grown onsite. There’s a year-round heated patio, beer garden and plenty of frothy mirth to go around.

Of course, Pinehurst offers its traditional charms, too — the intimate and historic Holly, the stately Carolina Hotel with its unbeatable breakfast buffet, the Manor Inn, a full-service spa and a wealth of pubs, and restaurants and shops in the Village. And, oh yeah, a few world-class golf courses, too.

For tee times and reservations: www.pinehurst.com

The post New Pinehurst No. 4 Puts Premium On Fun appeared first on Golf Tips Magazine.

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yellin’ at songs: 1997, part two

the songs which debuted on the billboard hot 100 between 3.15.1997 and 5.10.1997. 2/3 of the way there! i’ma try to get weeks 19-27 done by monday so we can cover weeks 28 and 29 of all three of 97/07/17 on wednesday, then resume posting as usual from there. i’m excited!

3.15.1997

9) "For You I Will," by Monica

this was ok, i guess. it's a stirring pitch to the boy, but i can also understand why the boy would still give brandy consideration after hearing this. the boy probably thinks monica doth insist too much. like, she promises to be the sun. she can't do that! monica's a star, but not a REAL star, just a famous person! the boy has reason to be dubious of monica's claims. no reason to be dubious of the key change, tho. hey remember key changes? remember when we used to like songs that were dynamic and didn't just bleep and bloop for three minutes? good times.

22) "Step by Step," by Whitney Houston

The YouTube recommendation bar just pulled up a bunch of Whitney Houston songs, and I'm not gonna lie, I'd much rather dip into that than find out what Zhane is. This is probably a second-tier Whitney song, insofar as I have any grasp of the ins-and-outs of the Whitney catalogue, but second-tier Whitney is still amazing. Like, you know how "Lose My Breath" is definitely one of the five-best songs from the expanded Beyonce universe, even though no one ever thinks about it? This is Whitney's "Lose My Breath" for me. I just wanna put this and "Return of the Mack" on repeat for a thousand years and die happy.

35) "Head Over Heels," by Allure ft./Nas

It's weird to hear Nas on a pop song. Like, Nas operated in the same space where someone like Vince Staples or Killer Mike currently operates, I always thought; clearly elite, but elite in a way not friendly with the mainstream. Illmatic didn't sound like something that'd get a dude on a pop song. Not that I'm angry Nas got that paper, it's just weird, like it'd be weird if Killer Mike suddenly collaborated with Calvin Harris. Also, girl group hype. This is a song that was playing while I was thinking about other things and I think I would've enjoyed it if I wasn't ignoring it, but at the same time, I don't believe in second impressions.

51) "Request Line," by Zhane

...Zhane, that was unfair, that thing I said about you two paragraphs ago. I am so glad to have found out about you. This song only has a peak of 39. I am comfortable declaring this the forgotten classic of 1997 so far. It references calling people over a phone line, which is so delightfuly antiquated, it references a 555 number which is a classic, and it implies that at one point you had to call a radio station to request a song rather than being able to access every song all at once on demand. All wonderful 1997 things, backed with a solid groove. This song is dope. I'm going to call into my local radio station RIGHT NOW and request that they play this!

76) "Too Late, Too Soon," by Jon Secada

imagine turning the radio on in 1997 and hearing this and keeping this song on because trying to tune the dial to a new station just to avoid this song wouldn't be worth the effort. i thought i wouldn't get michael bolton? i thought his whole thing was just an early-'90s thing, something akward between the grunge and the rap? i feel cheated, honestly. i shouldn't have had to listen to clay aiken in 1997.

79) "I Belong to You (Every Time I See Your Face)," by Rome

This dude's ad-libs are basically Young Thug mouthnoises. I'm into it. It's generic, but dude goes hard trying to sell this song, and I respect that hustle.

81) "Hip-Hopera," by Bounty Killa ft./The Fugees

LAURYN HILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't even care that the rest of this song is just Bounty Killa saying things with a heavy accent that never actually justifies being called "Hip-Hopera" aside from some falsetto in the hook. Like, you wanna be a hip-hopera? Bring the drama. Can't just have the fat lady sing, you need to emote like your life depended on it, PROJECT, make something more over the top than this, but legit Lauryn Hill on the mic for even half a minute is a good thing, and this song at least had the good sense to put her at the top of this song so that, if you want to hear her verse again, you don't have to sift through a bunch of nothing.

91) "Weekend Thang," by Alfonzo Hunter

This is the second R&B slow jam about infidelity this week, and while it's superior, I wonder if people got as tired of dudes singing R&B in 1997 as I am of bro country in 2017? Like, the thing R&B dudes have over country dudes is, I can easily distinct Alfonzo Hunter from Rome. Rome was making all sorts of noises in his song, and Alfonzo Hunter is smoother, more confident. I can't tell you any meaningful difference between Chase Pickens and Ricky Graves, and you probably didn't realize those were fake names, because country dudes are interchangable. Listen, 1997 has been wonderfully bereft of country dudes, but the only thing I know how to do is complain about country dudes, SO I HAD TO SHOEHORN THIS IN SOMEWHERE, point is, R&B slow jamz all at least have some variety, and I'm not tired of them yet.

3.22.1997

22) "Ghetto Love," by Da Brat ft./T-Boz

"You laid pipe unlike any other plumber/Took me shoppin' all day and at night you kept me cummin'/Made dinner, collard greens, candied yams, and steak/Taught me how to measure grams, cook rocks, and chop weights" This song is incredible. Like, I grew up in a family adjacent to white trash; if anyone in the family smokes meth, it might not be surprising?, but it would definitely be news to me. So I don't know what it's like to settle in for a nice steak dinner, then sit down with my lover and learn how to manufacture and distribute crack cocaine. My girl and I would just play Mario Kart. This is a love unlike anything I could ever know, and I am glad to have heard tell of it. Also, "you laid pipe unlike any other plumber." That is a lyric!

34) "I Shot the Sheriff," by Warren G

...I want to applaud the social commentary? But at the same time, no, don't touch this song. This song was already very good, it didn't need you trying to muck it all up with your signature, just let it be. You can allude to this song in a better song about fighting back against the police, but don't just like do the song, it's not pleasant to listen to this song when it's not this song.

71) "Silent All These Years," by Tori Amos

One of the auto-complete results when I searched "silent all" was "silent all these years karaoke" and I want to meet the absolute fucking maniac who would ruin a karaoke night with this song and give them a stern lecture about the utility of fun. This is not a karaoke song. Even if this WERE a karaoke song, there's no way you have the verses memorized. There's too many words. You are going to stumble all over the verses and it’s going to suck for everyone in the bar to hear. You’re going to ruin five minutes of everyone’s lives, be responsible with your fucking choices. Like karaoke is not about communicating the deep inner pain with which Tori Amos helped you get in touch, what kind of horrible narcissist is singing Tori Amos songs at karaoke. I DID NOT FORCE MYSELF TO LOG OFF TUMBLR, PUT ON PANTS, AND TAKE A BUS TO THE BAR JUST TO HEAR TUMBLR: THE MUSICAL. ...Tori Amos is a quality songwriter and this song is incredibly sad and I am scared of feeling things which is why those other sentences exist.

84) "If Tomorrow Never Comes," by Joose

I found this R&B slow jam lacking because it tried to have A Moment, took some time to try to be a sweeping, epic slow jam, and while I applaud the ambition, it kinda just sounded like a worse version of the pop version of "A Whole New World."

97) "Under the Water," by Merril Bainbridge

this song is just heckin' beautiful. look at that, i'm even usin' "heck" instead of bad words because i don't want to profane this space right now. it's so soft and gentle and i don't want to do anything to ruin this moment i'm having. this i -- OH. OH, HELLO,  MAN. alright well fuck all this then where the fuck did this dude come from? this was a pleasant, lovely song, and then goddamn the dude from crash test dummies or w/e shows up and goes "UNDER THE WATER" and it's so jarring. i can't even enjoy this harmonica solo, i feel so betrayed! ...okay, i'm enjoying the harmonica a little bit. the harmonica was as nice a surprise as the dude was a rude one.

3.29.1997

7) "All by Myself," by Celine Dion

These charts are based off single sales and radio plays. It's so weird to consider that people would go out of their way to listen to a Celine Dion ballad in a pre-"My Heart Will Go On" world. Like, "Let it Go" was a top 20(?) hit if I recall correctly, but that was the signature song of a movie loved by teens. What is this. This is just a diva singing dramatically over a piano. People went to stores and either specifically bought this single or said, "Oh! My favorite recording artist, Salon Dijon! I need this like I need these other staples of every day life I have come to Target to purchase!" 1997 has had two Broadway-ish songs on the chart, 2007 had one Broadway-ish song, and 2017 has had zero, if anyone needed quantifiable proof the world was getting worse. (Shout out to Pete Holmes.)

13) "Everyday Is a Winding Road," by Sheryl Crow

Because my first exposure to Sheryl Crow was "Soak Up the Sun," an over-the-top cheery song about beaches that triggers an allergic reaction in my horrible soul, I never really fucked with Sheryl Crow. This is a jam, though. There's more of an edge here than there is in her later stuff. The key is "I get a little bit closer to feeling fine." This isn't a song about someone who is happy and taking life as it comes, this is about someone who's going through shit and hopes to be happy one day. It's like a prototype of "Hard Times," '90s alt-rock chick instead of '80s throwback. This is dope.

33) "One More Time," by Real McCoy

House music! It's been a while. Oh, good, you're rapping. I was hoping to hear someone rap in their second language. God damn you. YouTube Comments Under Shitty Dance Music, Vol. II "I might have one of the largest collections of Real McCoy CD's in the world. :-)" Real McCoy released four albums. Congratulations on having bought four items. That's not a collection, unless Real McCoy has been making other horrible music over the last 20 years.

42) "Your Woman," by White Town

/someone in 1997 hears this song /they franticaly scramble to their kitchen and dial numbers on a corded phone /someone answers Twenty-One! Twenty-One, it's your cousin Marvin! Marvin Pilots! You know that incomprehensible fake-hip-hop sound you've been looking for? WELL, LISTEN TO THIS! /Marvin Pilots holds the phone as near to his bedroom as he can No but seriously this is a goddamned Twenty-One Pilots song, this is amazing, this must be what it felt like when anthropologists or whatever discovered that da Vinci invented airplanes. Like, look! This always existed! This song is more interesting than this dumb joke, but it's also important to point out the similarities. Also: this dude released an album called Don't Mention the War. I like this dude. He seems like good people.

52) "You Don't Have to Hurt No More," by Mint Condition

"This house is not a home." This song is the most unbelievable thing I've heard so far because it is set in a world where single people own houses.

56) "I Don't Want To," by Toni Braxton

Look, you probably already knew this about me, but I find it hard to believe any dramatic tension that gets built by dangling a preposition. Like, I know you're gonna finish that sentence, it would be rude to just leave that "to" hanging in the middle. Clickbait titles could be so simplistic in 1997, though, because we hadn't been inured to all the tricks. We may think we know better than this song title, but back in 1997, people were screaming at the album cover, "don't want to what? DON'T WANT TO WHAT?" People who didn't have access to the single held weekly meetings to share their fan theories about what Toni Braxton didn't want to, one of the earliest online fan forums was built by people wringing their hands over what Toni Braxton didn't want to. People need to work to rook us in 2017, but in 1997, all it took was a sentence left unfinished. (The official YAS verdict on this song is that it is boring and I was bored by it.)

65) "Sho Nuff," by Tela ft./Eightball & MJG

This strip club anthem has maybe the most evocative storytelling any strip club anthem has ever had. It's about a young man who comes back to his hometown after spending time wherever it was he spent time, and discovering girls he used to know became strippers. "I remember this ho, she used to do nails for Rochelle's" is such a delightful detail, the way he specifies not just what she used to do but where she did it being something straight out of a country song. Is it followed by "You heard me! Push these thirty dicks inside your clit?" Well, not immediately, but yes, those words do occupy the same space, but when it isn't exceedingly gross, there's a lot of homey charm in this song.

80) "For You," by Kenny Lattimore

The description for this song claims this is "the only song you should get married to." The first line of this song is "For you, I'd give a lifetime of stability." Oh, yeah, baby girl, if you're looking for a man who'll settle for an office job if this music thing doesn't work out, I'm that guy. When you're ready to accept Wednesday nights spent bickering over what to watch on Netflix while we wait for the Chinese food to get here, you have my number. I'm that man who can drive a Camry and won't talk about his fantasy football team... because he knows it bores you. I'm waiting for you to decide to want this. "For you, I'd make a promise of fidelity." It worries me you waited until your wedding day to make this promise, Ken. That should have just gone without saying! Why would you bring that up now?

92) "Bill," by Peggy Scott-Adams

OH MY FUCKING GOODNESS. I. I was expecting a lot from 1997. I don't think I could have ever expected this song to exist in the way it exists. It's a dynamo vocal performance of a deeply silly and probably slightly offensive song. I don't want to say too much because this is a song which could legitimately be spoiled, but like listen to it. You probably won't be disappointed.

94) "Insomnia," by Faithless

this song is at once the class of 1997's dark dance music, and it also features a vocal performance that's way too low-energy to be rap but is too high energy to be spoken word so i guess i have to call it rapping? but like if you're rapping, and i can reasonably state that Egoraptor is a better rapper than you, are you really rapping? anyway heck europe.

4.5.1997

67) "Precious Declaration," by Collective Soul

Sometimes in 2017, Imagine Dragons will break through the trap and release a song that charts, and I'll react to it with baffled indifference; I don't care, but at the same time, I don't get why people who ostensibly enjoy rock music would listen to Imagine Dragons. I get the same sense listening to this Collective Soul song. Like, it didn't ruin my day, but is this really the best you could do? If you like alternative rock, why on earth are you listening to Collective Soul? The Verve Pipe has other songs! They're not as good as "The Freshmen" but better than this!

81) "A Little Bit of Ecstacy," by Jocelyn Enriquez

"Tee hee! The casual observer will think I am singing about feeling happy, when I actually am singing about doing drugs and having sex! What a trickster I am!" Dance music is bad and everyone who listened to it has the wrong idea about everything. We're not even out of the third month. There is more to come, and I already blew the “this entire genre is garbage” shot. Oh, dear.

94) "One Night at a Time," by George Strait

Our first country dude of 1997! And it's not just some random country dude, it's The Possum, singing an OK song about how nice being in love is and how much effort maintaining a healthy relationship requires! Nothing special, but pleasant, especially since it's not surrounded by fifty other songs by dudes in the same hat with the same voice. This constitutes a break from the onslaught of R&B dudes, is not part of its own separate slog. I appreciate the commitment to diversity, 1997. (Diversity in genre if not in gender, I guess. Not as bad as 2017, I don't think, but, hey, we all could be doing better.)

95) "Step Into a World (Rapture's Delight)," by KRS-One

"I'm not saying I'm number one -- I'm sorry, I lied/I'm number one, two, three, four, and five" That's fucking incredible. Like, one'd be hard-pressed to disagree with KRS-One on that claim after hearing this song. KRS-One occupies the same space as The Roots did from part one, where I understood they were important but hadn't actually made the effort to check them out, and now I see I've been missing out. This dude's incredible. "I'm not run of the mill, 'cuz for the mill I don't run." This is like if Chance the Rapper was good.

98) "That's Right," by DJ Taz ft./Raheem the Dream

remember when the atl wasn't the epicenter of homogeneity and the city housed artists that sounded great without sounding like anything else. what happened. i mean, this song probably isn't the one we want to point to when complaining about the current state of atlanta, not when we got outkast comin' in a couple of songs, but like something this light and breezy and fun isn't the sort of thing atlanta traffics in anymore, and the world is worse for losing this spirt.

4.12.1997

17) "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?" by Paula Cole

One of the best tweets of all time theorizes that "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?" and "The Boys Are Back in Town" are two different perspectives on the same event, and this Paula Cole fan theory will be a part of me until the world burns down. It's a good song, but also it's absolutely ruined for me.

59) "Jazzy Belle," by OutKast

ATLiens is the best OutKast album and the first five tracks ("Two Dope Boys," "ATLiens," "Wheelz of Steel," "Elevators," "Jazzy Belle") might be the best five-track stretch in the whole of hip-hop history and even if I'm not into the remix they released to radio I'm so incredibly into the original that I'm fine with a Xerox. I'm fanboying, and you didn't come here for that, but gosh I do love this song.

75) "Come On," by Billy Lawrence ft./MC Lyte

This song was acceptable. You ever hit a point where you've been listening to songs for two hours and trying to think about them and then you come across two songs you already know your thoughts on so you go "Oh, cool, I can do other things while still listening to these songs so I can say I listened to them" and then you get to a song you're not familiar with but you're still in "doing other things while listening to music" mode? That's what happened. This is a feeling which I am sure is incredibly relatable, as all of us have series where we listen to every pop song ever and post our thoughts about them. I'm sure this song is better than I treated it, and I could just listen to it again but oh no what happened my fingers just typed the next song into the bar and now the music is gone from youtube forever it doesn't exist anymore i can't go back oh no oh nooooooooo

4.19.1997

24) "My Baby Daddy," by B-Rock & The Bizz

...I came into this refreshed. I watched some other videos -- this is the least embarrassing Punk Goes Pop compilation yet! -- took a shower, had some breakfast, I was ready to accept this song into my life. I mean, "My Baby's Mama" had a ridiculous title, but that was more or less acceptable, and I thought this was a response song. That's a lost art, the response song. I don't think we've had a true response song since Frankie's unforgettable classic "Fuck You Right Back," though I haven't listened to "Bodak Yellow" yet. This was... Certainly, an experience I won't forget, but not for lack of trying.

73) "Until I Find You Again," by Richard Marx

In a position where I can see the future, I see "Hypnotize" and "Bitch" dropping next week, and I can kind of understand that 1997 is in the calm before the storm. It's disappointing to endure, for sure, no one ever intends on listening to soft rock, but I'm ten minutes away from thinking about "Hypnotize." I appreciate 1997 for giving me this time to clear my mind and accept "Hypnotize" into my life.

87) "Sweet Sexy Thing," by Nu Flavor ft./Roger Troutman

It wasn't that long ago that we were letting dudes feature on boy band songs despite the fact they were calling themselves Roger Troutman. We can quibble about how good a rap name KYLE is, but at least it's not a pirate fish monster.

93) "Just the Way You Like It," by Tasha Holiday ft/Mase

This is Tasha Holiday's only song that charted on the Hot 100, and it appeared to have only spent one week on the chart, as it never got higher than 93. That has to be weird for an artist. You make a song that's popular enough that it can make the chart and people will upload it to YouTube 20 years later, but at the same time, your song wasn't popular at all and your song has significantly fewer views than "My Babby Dad," which is a song no one put effort into making. You had two celebrated songwriters on the track, and they made a song that someone who listened to an average amount of Top 40 radio might have heard once on "New Tunes Tuesday." Per Wikipedia, she was last seen doing feature spots on Soundcloud tracks, so it's at least good to hear she didn't stop believing.

97) "Don't Keep Wasting My Time," by Teddy Pendergrass

i am not going to argue against teddy pendergrass. i understand that, of all the '90s r&b slow jamz specialists, he's the one that got a shout out on "slow jamz," so i'm digging this song while assuming this is not his most iconic work. this is dope, and it's nice to hear a voice with rasp. '90s r&b isn't very husky, y'know? great voices without a lot of depth. this dude knows how to use his voice to most effectively communicate his pain, and it's dope as hell. this is the worst positive thing anyone's ever written about teddy pendergrass, like y'all know he's great and i'm late to the party.

4.26.1997

2) "Hypnotize," by The Notorious B.I.G.

i wonder if the people who made "rise" knew that they would be playing an integral role in one of the greatest songs of all time, if they knew that the song they were making wasn't the song they would be remembered for. that intro, those three guitar blasts (music term) and biggie going "oh," is this miracle, and i wonder if anyone who made "rise" knew their song was going to be used to bring a miracle into this world. "we got so close!" the bassist might have cried upon hearing biggie's tone over the track he laid down. "if we had replaced the trumpet with talking..."

30) "Staring at the Sun," by U2

Like, even if it weren't one of the last songs Biggie ever released, we'd still remember "Hypnotize" as fondly as we do, because it's just this incredible perfect thing. Biggie just has this phenomenal, laid-back flow. You're not blown away by any lyrical twist or vocal trick, Biggie just lumbers along in time, and it's just fun to hear someone rap like that, and this track is the perfect complement to his voice, this groovy thing he can really sink into and flow with. P. Diddy isn't the greatest musician, but he has a great ear for what other people can do. He and Biggie could have made more songs like this. That song, man.

57) "Bitch," by Meredith Brooks

It remains to be seen if the music of 1997 is better than the music of 2007 or 2017 -- even in a week with "Hypnotize" and "Bitch," 1997 is going to lose the weekly competition because "Umbrella" is as good as "Hypnotize" and "Thnks fr th Mmrs" is better than "Bitch" and 1997 won't have anything better than "The Story" -- but we can definitively state that "Blank Space" was better in 1997. I was struck by how similar this song was to "Blank Space," mostly because I forgot "Bitch" had verses. The thematic concepts in "Bitch" and "Blank Space" are similar, both songs stating "You should have known I was complicated, and now I am presenting these complications and you will not enjoy it," but while Tay Tay's is rooted in the personal mythos of Tay Tay, one needing to understand Tay Tay's relationship with her #brand to fully understand the song, Meredith Brooks' is accessible to all, more generalized and less personal, not needing to make some grand statement about who Meredith Brooks is as a person and what being in a relationship with her is like. There's less baggage to "Bitch," so to answer the question HOT ON EVERYONE'S MIND, "Bitch" is a better version of "Blank Space" than "Blank Space."

88) "Full of Smoke," by Christion

This song has the singular misfortune of being the R&B slow jamz to follow Teddy Pendergrass. It is the victim of higher expectations and will not benefit from the expectational adjustment being performed as a result of hearing a dude sing exclusively in falsetto. I'm sure, out of the context of this deeply silly project, this would be a much more fun song to hear, but like no thank you. Now that I know what else slow jamz can do, I need more than overdramatic sings and this dude squeaking.

89) "Stop the Gunfight," by Trapp ft./2pac & Notorious B.I.G.

Fun fact! If you listen to this song, you will have done significantly more to prevent gun violence in the United States than every Senator COMBINED! Congratulations on doing more than nothing! Thoughts and prayers for EVERYONE!

5.3.1997

16) "MMMBop," by Hanson

Hanson makes legitimately wonderful music. Even when they were children with hair like the kid from Room, they were making songs that were exceptionally well-crafted, even if they were about some nonsense. You can kind of tell, on this song, that Hanson was trying to make a point about aging and losing touch with people and friendship that they couldn't make because they were legitimately 14, not music 14 where they're 14 and singing songs written by 40-year-olds but actual immature 14. The song is honestly far better than it has any right to be, and every day I remember Hanson weathered the storm and became normal people who make insanely good pop music is a good day.

45) "Don't Wanna Be a Player," by Joe

...JOE?! Hold up. So many R&B slow jammers didn't make it all the way to 2007. Hell, significantly fewer artists made it from 1997 to 2007 than made it from 2007 to 2017, and one of them was this random dude named Joe, this dude with one of the five most generic names as a stage name who has no defining personality traits. This dude? This dude's who y'all took with ya? I'm not even going to pretend to try to get this. Like all he's swearing to a girl is that he won't cheat on her. He's not pledging eternal love, he's not swearing he will climb a mountain, he will not defend her against the armies of every nation, he's just saying, "I will finally stop fucking other people." That's a really shitty promise. Like, way to spend four minutes promising a girl the bare minimum.

85) "Feelin' It," by Jay-Z

hey. hey, guys. jay-z? this jay-z cat? he's pretty amazing at rapping. be sure to give him a follow and show him some love in the comments.

94) "6 Underground," by Sneaker Pimps

this song sounds like the episode of buffy where seth green goes through an entire season of plot in one episode and then leaves the show forever. what i am trying to say is, this song sounds like two werewolves feeling a deep desire for one another but one of the werewolves a sweet lesbian witch girlfriend he doesn't want to abandon but he can't stop himself from abandoning her when he's in werewolf form so he runs to the mountains. that's what this song reminds me of, is that feeling when that. i'm that. i don't know what i came into this paragraph to do but i know i have the "wild at heart" wikipedia page open and Marti Noxon says of the episode "The whole issue of sexuality between men and women is kind of fraught because of the beast" and boy that is just a quote right there, innit. this song's over! huzzah. electronic music is still mostly bad, turns out.

96) "Can U Feel It," by 3rd Party

YouTube Comments Under Shitty Dance Music, Vol. III "ive been listening to this since i was a kid and since release lol. i had this on a cassette tape when there was no CD's" Buddy, what the heck kind of dystopia were you living in that didn't have CDs in 1997? OK but real quick I don't understand the nostalgia for cassette tapes. Cassette tapes sounded like garbage and sucked to carry around. I get owning one as a fun novelty, "Haha this band I like was selling them at a concert and I had to, and I mean it's nice to support the things I love!" But if you're defending the audio quality of cassette tapes, you have taken irony too far and are no longer a hipster, and you need to have a serious talk with yourself about what you hope to achieve in this life.

5.10.1997 28) "G.H.E.T.T.O.U.T.," by Changing Faces

The chorus of the song features the two women harmonizing over the words, "I can do bad all by myself," and 1997 just keeps on surprising us, this time revealing the origins of a Tyler Perry movie title. I did some research. The only other results for "I can do bad all by myself" are all related to the Tyler Perry film. That kind of speaks to the quality of the lyric, y'know? Like, if a director of some repute (haven't seen any of his movies, they are not for me but assuredly competently helmed) carried this lyric with him long enough to name his movie-musical after it, surely, there's some value. Great work, Changing Faces. I hope more people than just me figured out the title was a reference to something.

42) "Blood on the Dance Floor," by Michael Jackson

Shortly before the voting results for the starting line-ups of the MLB All-Stars were announced, certain among the baseball internet argued that, as they were future Hall of Famers, players like Miguel Cabrera should be given extra consideration for a spot, since you aren't going to remember Justin Smoak in thirty years, but you might tell your grandchildren about Miguel Cabrera. And there is merit; Miguel Cabrera is more deserving of the All-Star designation than a Justin Smoak, since Miguel Cabrera is an actual star baseball player and Justin Smoak happened to hit 20 of his ~100? career home runs in three well-timed months. But if you're such a profoundly boring grandparent that you would tell your grandchildren about baseball players you watched on TV, and you tell them about Miguel Cabrera, are you going to tell them about the time he hit a grounder to second in the second inning of the 2017 MLB All-Star Game? Your grandchildren will ask you why you weren't watching a cooler sport. This song is okay, but if you introduced your grandchildren to Michael Jackson with this song, and your grandchildren discovered Michael Jackson years later, your grandchildren would emancipate themselves from their parents just to not be related to you anymore. Also, it would be worth noting to your grandchildren that Michael Jackson was probably a pedophile.

44) "Thinking of You," by Tony! Toni! Tone!

A more appropriate name for this band would have been Tony. Toni. Tone. (I'm sorry, Tone, but if I'm not gonna remember how to make the accented e for Beyonce, you are just incredibly out of luck.) This is chill. Maybe you can justify one exclamation point, but determining who gets the exclmation point probably would have caused intra-group strife, and I think it would've been more appropriate if the band's name reflected how chill they were. When Panic! At the Disco were going through their Beatles phase, they switched to Panic at the Disco. You should have been looking ahead through time and taking notes from them.

76) "I Wanna Be There," by Blessid Union of Souls

This song sounds like the song that kicks off the slow dances at the junior high school dance. It'll stop the kids from getting so rowdy that they start grinding, but isn't so romantic that they'll start making out on the dance floor. A safe ballad to keep the hands above the waist and prevent glances from being too meaningful. It simultaneously sets and kills the mood. It's a hard trick to pull off, but my stars, it does it!

83) "ESPN Presents: The Jock Jam," by Various Artists

/slow clap The YouTube description states, "FOR ENTERTAINMENT USE ONLY," and I want to meet the person who intended on using this for educational purposes.

90) "Call Me," by Too $hort ft./Lil' Kim

Imagine the thinkpieces if any of today's female rappers put the line "I slip myself a mickey, now that's the proper set off" in their song. Boy, this song sure exists! I don't think I've ever heard a song end with the two credited artists fucking. That's kind of amazing. What a song this is. This is off the soundtrack for the film Booty Call, and however much the music supervisor paid to have Too $hort and Lil' Kim make a song for their movie, they got their money's worth and more. Unless Booty Call is actually porn, there is no way it lives up to this song.

92) "The Old Apartment," by Barenaked Ladies

This seems like as good a point as any to stop the post, as I am not in the business of critiquing BNL. BARENAKED LADIES ARE TRIPLE PLATINUM. ARE YOU?!

The Top 20 for 1997 so far! 20) "MMMBop," by Hanson (5.3) 19) "Everyday Is a Winding Road," by Sheryl Crow (3.29) 18) "It's All About U," by SWV (1.18) 17) "In My Bed," by Dru Hill (1.11) 16) "Talk to Me," by Wild Orchid (3.1) 15) "Please Don't Go," by No Mercy (2.8) 14) "Don't Keep Wasting My Time," by Teddy Pendergrass (4.19) 13) "Feelin' It," by Jay-Z (5.3) 12) "Step by Step," by Whitney Houston (3.15) 11) "On and On," by Erykah Badu (1.25) 10) "I Want You," by Savage Garden (3.1) 9) "Silent All These Years," by Tori Amos (3.22) 8) "What They Do," by The Roots (1.11) 7) "Step Into a World (Rapture's Delight)," by KRS-One (4.5) 6) "I'm Not Feeling You," by Yvette Michele (2.22) 5) "Bill," by Peggy Scott-Adams (3.29) 4) "I'll Be," by Foxy Brown ft./Jay-Z (2.15) 3) "Bitch," by Meredith Brooks (4.26) 2) "Return of the Mack," by Mark Morrison (3.1) 1) "Hypnotize," by The Notorious B.I.G. (4.26) What a solid list. And it’s only gonna get more solid, what with the Third Eye Blind and Backstreet Boys and Robyn coming our way. It’s not gonna be as strong as this section was, I don’t think, but it at least has the capacity to surprise. Tune in Monday, I hope!

Best-Selling Author Shares Thoughts on Storytelling, Inspiration, and Creative Process

Best-Selling Author Shares Thoughts on Storytelling, Inspiration, and Creative Process

Before he was the best-selling author of The Martian, Andy Weir was a computer programmer who wrote short stories as a hobby. In his words, “I thought I was writing for a tiny niche audience of hard-core science dorks.” Now working on his second manuscript with Random House, Weir reflects on the journey he took to get here.

CCO: You had a short-story blog for a long time before The Martian came out. Did the experience of getting immediate feedback from an audience help you develop your craft?

Weir: I started the website because I wanted a creative outlet. I wanted a place to put my creative stuff. I had tried earlier in life to be a full-time writer but couldn’t break into the industry. So I was a computer programmer for 25 years. I just used it as a place to dump my short stories.

I slowly accumulated readers; I got about 3,000 regular readers over the course of 10 years. That sounds like a lot … but 10 years was also a very long time. It was just a hobby of mine.

Absolutely, the readers helped with the storytelling. I would get feedback immediately when I was posting short stories, which was really cool. And I was getting feedback on every chapter when I was publishing The Martian’s chapters on my website. My audience was pretty much nerds like me and so they would point out any technical, scientific, or mathematical errors in the text immediately. It was like having 3,000 fact checkers.

CCO: What was their reaction when suddenly this guy who they’d been following rocketed into the stratosphere of fame with the book?

Weir: They were really thrilled. Lots of people sent congratulatory emails. The original readers are like Andy Weir hipsters; they would say “I read Andy Weir before he was popular!”

CCO: Along the way, especially over a decade, there must have been moments of doubt.

Weir: I actually didn’t have those moments of deep doubt because I wasn’t trying to do anything other than what I was doing. I wasn’t thinking it was all a means to an end to get published. It was just me writing stuff and posting it on my site; what I got out of it was the feedback and fan mail from my regular readers. I had no idea it would ever become popular outside of my tiny little audience.

CCO: What were your sources of inspiration? What genres inspired you as a writer?

Weir: The main one would be Apollo 13. Both the real-world events and the movie. There’s that one scene in the movie where they have to make an oxygen scrubber and a CO2 filtration system from the lunar module work, and they have to make this contraption that will run the air through it. They’re all floating around in space with duct tape, stuffing a sock in this one spot. I thought that was so cool. It was very MacGyver-in-space. I thought, I want to write a whole book about that.

CCO: The Martian is so scientifically dense. Did you ever worry that you were going to lose people?

Weir: Absolutely. That was a constant balancing act for me. On the one hand, it was an immutable requirement to me that it be scientifically accurate. That means I needed to exposition all this deep scientific crap to the reader, but I also didn’t want it to read like a Wikipedia article. That’s why we have the smart-ass narrator; that’s why there’s a joke every paragraph or two … to keep it funny.

I’ve gotten a lot of feedback from readers after the book got big and they would say stuff like, “I’m not really into science and it’s not even that interesting to me. I love the book, but I skimmed those paragraphs that described it.” For me, that is awesome. There’s this relationship that forms between author and reader. The reader has to trust you. If you get to the point where the reader is willing to just say that he trusts that everything is correct, and that he can skim that paragraph because he doesn’t need it to be proven to him—that’s rare and great.

There’s this relationship that forms between author & reader. The reader has to trust you. @andyweirauthor Click To Tweet

I didn’t have any idea that non-scientific people would ever like the book. I thought I was writing for a tiny niche audience of hard-core science dorks, but it’s great that it worked out this way.

CCO: You’ve talked about the challenge of just sitting down and writing … how grueling the process can be. Do you have any habits or rituals that make it easier?

Weir: Of course! First thing I do every morning is make sure I’m properly caffeinated, and usually that’s with Diet Coke. Now that I made a bunch of money off a book, I get to do stupid, eccentric things, right? I have a restaurant-style soda fountain in my house now. That’s the wild, partying kind of guy I am … I’ve got Diet Coke on tap.

After caffeinating, I’ll spend 30 minutes to an hour answering fan mail in the morning. It’s a nice warm-up because I’m writing, but I’m not straight into the book. I also like to take a walk every day. Other than that, I try to set myself a word count.

I try to get 1,000 words done a day. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I blow right past it when I’m really motivated. Another writer (I don’t remember who it was, unfortunately) once told me: Sometimes you’re very, very motivated, and you’re cranking out words. Other times, it’s a complete slog, and each sentence is torture. You’re lucky if you get 300 words done across the whole day. But if you look back on your work months later, you can’t tell the difference between what were your motivated days and what were your slog days. That’s really encouraging when I’m having a rough day.

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CCO: If you think of story archetypes, one popular archetype is the so-called hero’s journey. In it, the hero encounters a monster – that monster sometimes is of the physical world, but sometimes it’s a psychological monster. On your hero’s journey, what is your monster?

Weir: It’s definitely a man-vs.-himself plot. There are the four classic plots: man vs. nature, man vs. society, man vs. man, and man vs. himself. Well, mine’s the last one. I have a bunch of anxieties. I struggled with depression when I was younger. Later in life, I had severe anxiety problems, to the point where I was dramatically reducing the quality of my life. Now, I have therapy and meds, which help a lot. That’s my monster. It’s just me.

CCO: Do you think that struggle makes its way into your writing? Does it inform your writing in some way?

Weir: I don’t know. I’ve put thought into that. I’m just not sure. The whole time I wrote The Martian, I was still suffering from pretty severe anxiety issues. Anxiety makes you paranoid about the way the world is going to screw you over. Did that help me write a story about a guy who’s on a world that’s literally trying to kill him at every turn? I don’t know, maybe. I honestly don’t know the answer to that.

The hardest thing to analyze is yourself. It’s so much easier to look at someone else and notice a particular problem and point it out to them. It’s very easy to do that. But it’s very hard to do it to yourself. So I honestly don’t know.

CCO: One thing I see marketers struggle with is taking on more ambitious projects. It’s easier to do a little 3-minute video to get an audience’s attention. It’s much harder to take on more complex projects, be they long form content, documentaries – topics and projects with more depth and subtlety. Can you offer words of inspiration?

Weir: The most important thing is to find the interesting part. I think marketers are very message-focused. They know what they want people to hear. They have to work backwards from there to figure out how to make that happen. What they should do is find the thing that’s unique or interesting that captures people’s attention. Figure out what that thing is; don’t worry about the message right now. Just find the interesting part, and then figure out how to link that to the message.

Find the interesting part of your story and then work towards the message, says @andyweirauthor. Click To Tweet

One of the most successful content marketing projects I ever saw was a documentary about FedEx way back in the late 1980s. Back then everything went to their central airport in Tennessee. If you FedExed a package to your next-door neighbor, it would go to Tennessee and then come back. It was the most efficient way on average for dealing with shipping. The documentary showed the whole process in detail. This was in the ’80s, when we were used to the U.S. Postal Service, which could take six to eight weeks to deliver a package. With FedEx, you could order something by phone today, and it would be at our houses by tomorrow. It was a complete disruption in the delivery system. The documentary lets you see the inner workings at FedEx.

Audiences are extremely aware of preachiness, especially in the modern era. Hollywood has decided that everything has to have some freaking political message, which drives me crazy. The Martian, by the way, had no political message. Dude didn’t want to die … that’s it. People quickly, even if they don’t do it consciously, identify the message, get mildly annoyed at it, and then start ignoring the parts of the movie that push that. That’s why I try to avoid it.

Instead, find the interesting part of your story and then work towards the message, rather than desperately starting with the message and trying to work towards the interesting part.

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This article originally appeared in the February issue of CCO magazine. Subscribe for your free print copy today.

Andy Weir was the keynote speaker at last year’s Intelligent Content Conference, the content strategy event for marketers. Register today for ICC 2017, March 28 to 30 in Las Vegas. Use code BLOG100 to save $100.00.

Cover image by Joseph Kalinowski/Content Marketing Institute

The post Best-Selling Author Shares Thoughts on Storytelling, Inspiration, and Creative Process appeared first on Content Marketing Institute.

Best-Selling Author Shares Thoughts on Storytelling, Inspiration, and Creative Process

Before he was the best-selling author of The Martian, Andy Weir was a computer programmer who wrote short stories as a hobby. In his words, “I thought I was writing for a tiny niche audience of hard-core science dorks.” Now working on his second manuscript with Random House, Weir reflects on the journey he took to get here.

CCO: You had a short-story blog for a long time before The Martian came out. Did the experience of getting immediate feedback from an audience help you develop your craft?

Weir: I started the website because I wanted a creative outlet. I wanted a place to put my creative stuff. I had tried earlier in life to be a full-time writer but couldn’t break into the industry. So I was a computer programmer for 25 years. I just used it as a place to dump my short stories.

I slowly accumulated readers; I got about 3,000 regular readers over the course of 10 years. That sounds like a lot … but 10 years was also a very long time. It was just a hobby of mine.

Absolutely, the readers helped with the storytelling. I would get feedback immediately when I was posting short stories, which was really cool. And I was getting feedback on every chapter when I was publishing The Martian’s chapters on my website. My audience was pretty much nerds like me and so they would point out any technical, scientific, or mathematical errors in the text immediately. It was like having 3,000 fact checkers.

CCO: What was their reaction when suddenly this guy who they’d been following rocketed into the stratosphere of fame with the book?

Weir: They were really thrilled. Lots of people sent congratulatory emails. The original readers are like Andy Weir hipsters; they would say “I read Andy Weir before he was popular!”

CCO: Along the way, especially over a decade, there must have been moments of doubt.

Weir: I actually didn’t have those moments of deep doubt because I wasn’t trying to do anything other than what I was doing. I wasn’t thinking it was all a means to an end to get published. It was just me writing stuff and posting it on my site; what I got out of it was the feedback and fan mail from my regular readers. I had no idea it would ever become popular outside of my tiny little audience.

CCO: What were your sources of inspiration? What genres inspired you as a writer?

Weir: The main one would be Apollo 13. Both the real-world events and the movie. There’s that one scene in the movie where they have to make an oxygen scrubber and a CO2 filtration system from the lunar module work, and they have to make this contraption that will run the air through it. They’re all floating around in space with duct tape, stuffing a sock in this one spot. I thought that was so cool. It was very MacGyver-in-space. I thought, I want to write a whole book about that.

CCO: The Martian is so scientifically dense. Did you ever worry that you were going to lose people?

Weir: Absolutely. That was a constant balancing act for me. On the one hand, it was an immutable requirement to me that it be scientifically accurate. That means I needed to exposition all this deep scientific crap to the reader, but I also didn’t want it to read like a Wikipedia article. That’s why we have the smart-ass narrator; that’s why there’s a joke every paragraph or two … to keep it funny.

I’ve gotten a lot of feedback from readers after the book got big and they would say stuff like, “I’m not really into science and it’s not even that interesting to me. I love the book, but I skimmed those paragraphs that described it.” For me, that is awesome. There’s this relationship that forms between author and reader. The reader has to trust you. If you get to the point where the reader is willing to just say that he trusts that everything is correct, and that he can skim that paragraph because he doesn’t need it to be proven to him—that’s rare and great.

There’s this relationship that forms between author & reader. The reader has to trust you. @andyweirauthor Click To Tweet

I didn’t have any idea that non-scientific people would ever like the book. I thought I was writing for a tiny niche audience of hard-core science dorks, but it’s great that it worked out this way.

CCO: You’ve talked about the challenge of just sitting down and writing … how grueling the process can be. Do you have any habits or rituals that make it easier?

Weir: Of course! First thing I do every morning is make sure I’m properly caffeinated, and usually that’s with Diet Coke. Now that I made a bunch of money off a book, I get to do stupid, eccentric things, right? I have a restaurant-style soda fountain in my house now. That’s the wild, partying kind of guy I am … I’ve got Diet Coke on tap.

After caffeinating, I’ll spend 30 minutes to an hour answering fan mail in the morning. It’s a nice warm-up because I’m writing, but I’m not straight into the book. I also like to take a walk every day. Other than that, I try to set myself a word count.

I try to get 1,000 words done a day. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I blow right past it when I’m really motivated. Another writer (I don’t remember who it was, unfortunately) once told me: Sometimes you’re very, very motivated, and you’re cranking out words. Other times, it’s a complete slog, and each sentence is torture. You’re lucky if you get 300 words done across the whole day. But if you look back on your work months later, you can’t tell the difference between what were your motivated days and what were your slog days. That’s really encouraging when I’m having a rough day.

HANDPICKED RELATED CONTENT: 7 Productivity Killers for Marketers and How to Fix Them

CCO: If you think of story archetypes, one popular archetype is the so-called hero’s journey. In it, the hero encounters a monster – that monster sometimes is of the physical world, but sometimes it’s a psychological monster. On your hero’s journey, what is your monster?

Weir: It’s definitely a man-vs.-himself plot. There are the four classic plots: man vs. nature, man vs. society, man vs. man, and man vs. himself. Well, mine’s the last one. I have a bunch of anxieties. I struggled with depression when I was younger. Later in life, I had severe anxiety problems, to the point where I was dramatically reducing the quality of my life. Now, I have therapy and meds, which help a lot. That’s my monster. It’s just me.

CCO: Do you think that struggle makes its way into your writing? Does it inform your writing in some way?

Weir: I don’t know. I’ve put thought into that. I’m just not sure. The whole time I wrote The Martian, I was still suffering from pretty severe anxiety issues. Anxiety makes you paranoid about the way the world is going to screw you over. Did that help me write a story about a guy who’s on a world that’s literally trying to kill him at every turn? I don’t know, maybe. I honestly don’t know the answer to that.

The hardest thing to analyze is yourself. It’s so much easier to look at someone else and notice a particular problem and point it out to them. It’s very easy to do that. But it’s very hard to do it to yourself. So I honestly don’t know.

CCO: One thing I see marketers struggle with is taking on more ambitious projects. It’s easier to do a little 3-minute video to get an audience’s attention. It’s much harder to take on more complex projects, be they long form content, documentaries – topics and projects with more depth and subtlety. Can you offer words of inspiration?

Weir: The most important thing is to find the interesting part. I think marketers are very message-focused. They know what they want people to hear. They have to work backwards from there to figure out how to make that happen. What they should do is find the thing that’s unique or interesting that captures people’s attention. Figure out what that thing is; don’t worry about the message right now. Just find the interesting part, and then figure out how to link that to the message.

Find the interesting part of your story and then work towards the message, says @andyweirauthor. Click To Tweet

One of the most successful content marketing projects I ever saw was a documentary about FedEx way back in the late 1980s. Back then everything went to their central airport in Tennessee. If you FedExed a package to your next-door neighbor, it would go to Tennessee and then come back. It was the most efficient way on average for dealing with shipping. The documentary showed the whole process in detail. This was in the ’80s, when we were used to the U.S. Postal Service, which could take six to eight weeks to deliver a package. With FedEx, you could order something by phone today, and it would be at our houses by tomorrow. It was a complete disruption in the delivery system. The documentary lets you see the inner workings at FedEx.

Audiences are extremely aware of preachiness, especially in the modern era. Hollywood has decided that everything has to have some freaking political message, which drives me crazy. The Martian, by the way, had no political message. Dude didn’t want to die … that’s it. People quickly, even if they don’t do it consciously, identify the message, get mildly annoyed at it, and then start ignoring the parts of the movie that push that. That’s why I try to avoid it.

Instead, find the interesting part of your story and then work towards the message, rather than desperately starting with the message and trying to work towards the interesting part.

HANDPICKED RELATED CONTENT:

Documentary Storytelling: 6 Examples From Brands That Nail It

One Thing Is Killing Content Marketing and Everyone Is Ignoring It

This article originally appeared in the February issue of CCO magazine. Subscribe for your free print copy today.

Andy Weir was the keynote speaker at last year’s Intelligent Content Conference, the content strategy event for marketers. Register today for ICC 2017, March 28 to 30 in Las Vegas. Use code BLOG100 to save $100.00.

Cover image by Joseph Kalinowski/Content Marketing Institute

The post Best-Selling Author Shares Thoughts on Storytelling, Inspiration, and Creative Process appeared first on Content Marketing Institute.

Best-Selling Author Shares Thoughts on Storytelling, Inspiration, and Creative Process posted first on http://ift.tt/2maTWEr

Best-Selling Author Shares Thoughts on Storytelling, Inspiration, and Creative Process

Before he was the best-selling author of The Martian, Andy Weir was a computer programmer who wrote short stories as a hobby. In his words, “I thought I was writing for a tiny niche audience of hard-core science dorks.” Now working on his second manuscript with Random House, Weir reflects on the journey he took to get here.

CCO: You had a short-story blog for a long time before The Martian came out. Did the experience of getting immediate feedback from an audience help you develop your craft?

Weir: I started the website because I wanted a creative outlet. I wanted a place to put my creative stuff. I had tried earlier in life to be a full-time writer but couldn’t break into the industry. So I was a computer programmer for 25 years. I just used it as a place to dump my short stories.

I slowly accumulated readers; I got about 3,000 regular readers over the course of 10 years. That sounds like a lot … but 10 years was also a very long time. It was just a hobby of mine.

Absolutely, the readers helped with the storytelling. I would get feedback immediately when I was posting short stories, which was really cool. And I was getting feedback on every chapter when I was publishing The Martian’s chapters on my website. My audience was pretty much nerds like me and so they would point out any technical, scientific, or mathematical errors in the text immediately. It was like having 3,000 fact checkers.

CCO: What was their reaction when suddenly this guy who they’d been following rocketed into the stratosphere of fame with the book?

Weir: They were really thrilled. Lots of people sent congratulatory emails. The original readers are like Andy Weir hipsters; they would say “I read Andy Weir before he was popular!”

CCO: Along the way, especially over a decade, there must have been moments of doubt.

Weir: I actually didn’t have those moments of deep doubt because I wasn’t trying to do anything other than what I was doing. I wasn’t thinking it was all a means to an end to get published. It was just me writing stuff and posting it on my site; what I got out of it was the feedback and fan mail from my regular readers. I had no idea it would ever become popular outside of my tiny little audience.

CCO: What were your sources of inspiration? What genres inspired you as a writer?

Weir: The main one would be Apollo 13. Both the real-world events and the movie. There’s that one scene in the movie where they have to make an oxygen scrubber and a CO2 filtration system from the lunar module work, and they have to make this contraption that will run the air through it. They’re all floating around in space with duct tape, stuffing a sock in this one spot. I thought that was so cool. It was very MacGyver-in-space. I thought, I want to write a whole book about that.

CCO: The Martian is so scientifically dense. Did you ever worry that you were going to lose people?

Weir: Absolutely. That was a constant balancing act for me. On the one hand, it was an immutable requirement to me that it be scientifically accurate. That means I needed to exposition all this deep scientific crap to the reader, but I also didn’t want it to read like a Wikipedia article. That’s why we have the smart-ass narrator; that’s why there’s a joke every paragraph or two … to keep it funny.

I’ve gotten a lot of feedback from readers after the book got big and they would say stuff like, “I’m not really into science and it’s not even that interesting to me. I love the book, but I skimmed those paragraphs that described it.” For me, that is awesome. There’s this relationship that forms between author and reader. The reader has to trust you. If you get to the point where the reader is willing to just say that he trusts that everything is correct, and that he can skim that paragraph because he doesn’t need it to be proven to him—that’s rare and great.

There’s this relationship that forms between author & reader. The reader has to trust you. @andyweirauthor Click To Tweet

I didn’t have any idea that non-scientific people would ever like the book. I thought I was writing for a tiny niche audience of hard-core science dorks, but it’s great that it worked out this way.

CCO: You’ve talked about the challenge of just sitting down and writing … how grueling the process can be. Do you have any habits or rituals that make it easier?

Weir: Of course! First thing I do every morning is make sure I’m properly caffeinated, and usually that’s with Diet Coke. Now that I made a bunch of money off a book, I get to do stupid, eccentric things, right? I have a restaurant-style soda fountain in my house now. That’s the wild, partying kind of guy I am … I’ve got Diet Coke on tap.

After caffeinating, I’ll spend 30 minutes to an hour answering fan mail in the morning. It’s a nice warm-up because I’m writing, but I’m not straight into the book. I also like to take a walk every day. Other than that, I try to set myself a word count.

I try to get 1,000 words done a day. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I blow right past it when I’m really motivated. Another writer (I don’t remember who it was, unfortunately) once told me: Sometimes you’re very, very motivated, and you’re cranking out words. Other times, it’s a complete slog, and each sentence is torture. You’re lucky if you get 300 words done across the whole day. But if you look back on your work months later, you can’t tell the difference between what were your motivated days and what were your slog days. That’s really encouraging when I’m having a rough day.

HANDPICKED RELATED CONTENT: 7 Productivity Killers for Marketers and How to Fix Them

CCO: If you think of story archetypes, one popular archetype is the so-called hero’s journey. In it, the hero encounters a monster – that monster sometimes is of the physical world, but sometimes it’s a psychological monster. On your hero’s journey, what is your monster?

Weir: It’s definitely a man-vs.-himself plot. There are the four classic plots: man vs. nature, man vs. society, man vs. man, and man vs. himself. Well, mine’s the last one. I have a bunch of anxieties. I struggled with depression when I was younger. Later in life, I had severe anxiety problems, to the point where I was dramatically reducing the quality of my life. Now, I have therapy and meds, which help a lot. That’s my monster. It’s just me.

CCO: Do you think that struggle makes its way into your writing? Does it inform your writing in some way?

Weir: I don’t know. I’ve put thought into that. I’m just not sure. The whole time I wrote The Martian, I was still suffering from pretty severe anxiety issues. Anxiety makes you paranoid about the way the world is going to screw you over. Did that help me write a story about a guy who’s on a world that’s literally trying to kill him at every turn? I don’t know, maybe. I honestly don’t know the answer to that.

The hardest thing to analyze is yourself. It’s so much easier to look at someone else and notice a particular problem and point it out to them. It’s very easy to do that. But it’s very hard to do it to yourself. So I honestly don’t know.

CCO: One thing I see marketers struggle with is taking on more ambitious projects. It’s easier to do a little 3-minute video to get an audience’s attention. It’s much harder to take on more complex projects, be they long form content, documentaries – topics and projects with more depth and subtlety. Can you offer words of inspiration?

Weir: The most important thing is to find the interesting part. I think marketers are very message-focused. They know what they want people to hear. They have to work backwards from there to figure out how to make that happen. What they should do is find the thing that’s unique or interesting that captures people’s attention. Figure out what that thing is; don’t worry about the message right now. Just find the interesting part, and then figure out how to link that to the message.

Find the interesting part of your story and then work towards the message, says @andyweirauthor. Click To Tweet

One of the most successful content marketing projects I ever saw was a documentary about FedEx way back in the late 1980s. Back then everything went to their central airport in Tennessee. If you FedExed a package to your next-door neighbor, it would go to Tennessee and then come back. It was the most efficient way on average for dealing with shipping. The documentary showed the whole process in detail. This was in the ’80s, when we were used to the U.S. Postal Service, which could take six to eight weeks to deliver a package. With FedEx, you could order something by phone today, and it would be at our houses by tomorrow. It was a complete disruption in the delivery system. The documentary lets you see the inner workings at FedEx.

Audiences are extremely aware of preachiness, especially in the modern era. Hollywood has decided that everything has to have some freaking political message, which drives me crazy. The Martian, by the way, had no political message. Dude didn’t want to die … that’s it. People quickly, even if they don’t do it consciously, identify the message, get mildly annoyed at it, and then start ignoring the parts of the movie that push that. That’s why I try to avoid it.

Instead, find the interesting part of your story and then work towards the message, rather than desperately starting with the message and trying to work towards the interesting part.

HANDPICKED RELATED CONTENT:

Documentary Storytelling: 6 Examples From Brands That Nail It

One Thing Is Killing Content Marketing and Everyone Is Ignoring It

This article originally appeared in the February issue of CCO magazine. Subscribe for your free print copy today.

Andy Weir was the keynote speaker at last year’s Intelligent Content Conference, the content strategy event for marketers. Register today for ICC 2017, March 28 to 30 in Las Vegas. Use code BLOG100 to save $100.00.

Cover image by Joseph Kalinowski/Content Marketing Institute

The post Best-Selling Author Shares Thoughts on Storytelling, Inspiration, and Creative Process appeared first on Content Marketing Institute.

Best-Selling Author Shares Thoughts on Storytelling, Inspiration, and Creative Process syndicated from http://ift.tt/2maPRjm