Can we all just agree that these boys are hella traumatized?

Re-draw of THIS

#1, #13, #18, #29 for the ask game? any assortment of these you want to answer

also just found out i've had my fucking asks off the entire time 💀 no wonder nobody was playing </3

1. Share a song that makes you think of [TMWN]

I thinkkkk the first song I usually think of is "My Name Is.." by Once Monsters. That's just this is the song that Mikey was listening to when he set his notebook on fire, lmao. But I also think it kind of suits them!

13. How much planning do you do before writing?

EHHHH. I literally? Did not have any real outline at all until semi-recently. I just... wrote as I went. I'd write a scene and then I'd just write whatever scene I thought should come next. I kind of started outlining a little more around Chapter 19? But my outlines still kinda just tend to be a few sloppy notes per idea/scene/chapter lmao.

18. What’s one of your favorite lines you’ve written in a fic?

MMMM some of my FAV favs I sadly can't share 'cause, like, spoilers. But I really enjoyed:

"Listen to me carefully, Hinata," Yoshi said, his eyes narrowed into slits. "The Hamato Clan will have no part in my sons' lives. They will not train them. They will not speak to them. They will not attempt to make any form of contact with them. And if any of you do, then you will be hearing from my lawyers. None of you will touch a single hair on their heads."

He leaned in a bit closer.

"And if anyone attempts to, then I will break all of the fingers on their hands, and worry about the lawyers later. Do you understand?"

And

Everyone kept coming up to them to talk to them, to say that they were so sorry to hear about their dad and if there was anything they can do and they hope things work out soon and blah blah blah, all these stupid, pointless, unpleasant emotions that they just kept dumping over his head until he was soaked and shivering and freezing cold, drenched down to his bones.

Also

“Uh, yeah, I’m pretty sure we would have noticed by now if we were reptiles,” Donnie scoffed, one hand on his hip. “Let alone subjects of some kind of biochemical experiments. Which I am intimately familiar with, by the way. Do you have any idea how many community gardens I’ve been banned from?”

theres three instead of just one coz im conceited ig lmao

29. Share a bit from a fic you’ll never post OR from a scene that was cut from an already posted fic. (If you don’t have either, just share a random fic idea you have that you don’t plan on getting to.)

I answered this one already and I don't keep things I cut so I don't have anything else fun to share ; w ; I don't have a lot of other ideas in my head right now, either, unless I ever decided to write something for one of my other AU's? But I don't know if there's any demand for that lmao.

also RIP BESTIE??? im glad theyre on now lmao

Of Mutants And Monsters

A (sort of) casrai short story

“So who’s this mystery monster we have to find?” Mikey asked through the comm. “if we knew, it wouldn’t be a mystery” Casey heard raph say through his earpiece.

“Well do we know anything about them to go off of?” Casey asked as he jumped over New York rooftops. He coughed a bit as he started to feel a tad sick.

“Are you ok Casey?” April asked with clear worry. “I’m fine. You don’t have to worry everytime I cough a little april” Casey responded.

“Considering you nearly died one of the first times you used the shrinking suit, I don’t blame her” raph chimed in.

“Anyway. To answer Casey’s question, some witness testimony has stated they saw a creature in the shadows with quote “gold snake eyes”” Donnie stated.

“At least it’s something to look for” Casey muttered as he looked down. All he saw were normal people walking around.

He always wanted to visit the big city. He remembers being a kid and seeing all the superheroes that were from New York. He always thought he’d get into an “accident” that’d give him powers and he’d be a real life superhero.

Guess he wasn’t fully wrong….

He heard something. Was that hissing? Maybe it was from his comm.

“Did you guys hear that?” Casey asked the team. “Hear what?” Mikey asked. “The hissing” Casey responded.

“No?” Everyone else responded. Casey looked around. Seeing if there was anything around him causing the sound.

He suddenly felt his comm being yanked out of his ear. “What the-“ he exclaimed as he quickly turned around. He heard hissing again.

He then heard a window on the roof open and close. “Hmm” he went through the window and jumped down to the floor of the warehouse inside.

He winced a bit from the fall but wasn’t injured. He rubbed his sore wrist as he looked around.

“Hiya” Casey jumped when he heard a girls voice say that. He turned around in a defensive pose and saw a girl casually sit on a crate.

Her dark green hair was tied into a ponytail. Her golden brown eyes were looking at him. She had a calm smile on her face as her head was cocked slightly.

“Uhhh… hi miss?” Casey said with a lot of confusion. She wasn’t freaked out? Wait, who was she anyway?

The girl smirked at him. “Nice to finally meet you, Casey” she said in a flirty tone.

Casey’s eyes widened. “How did you-“ he tried to say. She chuckled. “You and your friends aren’t as sneaky as you think” she said.

“Who are you?!” Casey growled, trying to show this girl that he was a threat. “A bit late to try intimidation, Dontcha think?” She taunted.

Casey decided to change his strategy. He crossed his arms and smirked back. “Who says I have to try?” He said, trying to play her game.

“You have a cute smile” she said, keeping her composure but blushing slightly. Casey looked down as he blushed.

He tried to regain his composure and even growled a bit, it didn’t work at all. The girl got into his face, still smiling.

Casey looked all over the place. Keep it cool keep it cool keep it cool…

Her normal human eyes shifted to gold snake eyes with a blink. Casey’s irises became slits as he realized.

“My names Karai” she said as she jumped down, now having to look up to see Casey.

“You’re the monster we’re lookin for!” Casey yelled. “Harsh” she said, still smirking. “I prefer mutant” she stated.

“You… you need to come with me” he told her, trying to grab her. “I’d love to” she said, dodging his attempt.

“But…” she started as she grabbed his collar, pulling him closer to her eye level with a surprising amount of strength.

“I like my freedom. Maybe you can enjoy it with me one day.” She told him. Casey glared at her.

“I know you want to” she whispered in his ear. “You don’t know anything about me” he grumbled, baring his teeth.

“I know a lot more than you think” she said as her skin became paper white and scaley.

“Like this” she finished as she used a newly formed tail to press a button on Casey’s belt.

“Hey wait!-“ Casey yelped as he grew back to his “normal” height. Karai became a full snake monster and slid away as Casey slammed his head on a metal pillar on the roof.

“OW!” He yelled as he rubbed his head, on his knee as the place was too small to stand up in. He saw Karai slithering away. “Oh hell no!” He said as he grabbed her.

He held her like a toy as he lifted her up to his eye level. “You’re not getting away that easy!” He told her as he sneered.

Karai didn’t respond. Possibly not able to in her full snake form. She instead bit his hand with her sharp fangs.

Casey dropped her without thinking as pain shot into his hand. “Ow ow OWW!” He yelled as he grabbed his hand, feeling throbbing pain.

Karai slid away as he was distracted. Casey tried to look around to find her, but she was gone.

Casey saw that the bite mark was starting to swell. “Did you HAVE to go for between the thumb and index?!” He grumbled to himself.”

So my friend has been on and off lately.

I decided to write this for me cause I needed it.

Requests are open!

Chosen last

Summary:

Readers friends only invite them to things if they have no one else to go with. Reader keeps their mouth shut about it and just guesses that this is how friendship works. One day they meet the turtles and April, and for once they’re not chosen last.

Pairing: platonic turtles x reader

(Implied female reader but I’ll do my best to avoid pronouns! Sorry if a she/her slips out)

“I couldn’t find anyone else to go with me so do you want to tag along?”

“I had a plus one and everyone else was busy.”

“No one else can make it and I don’t want to be lonely. Wanna go with me?”

“Sorry I guess I forgot to invite you!”

“What do you mean you were there? I could have sworn you were somewhere else... huh poor memory I guess.”

“Sorry! There’s no room for you to come with! Next time for sure though!”

All of those were common things you’d heard before.

You weren’t exactly sure if it was a normal thing in friendships. It must be since no one else mentioned it.

Still, it hurt that you weren’t prioritized. You were always the last thought. Last minute.

And you always said yes.

Someone needs you to be their plus one for the dance so they don’t look bad?

There you are.

Someone needs a wingman for this boy they like?

You’re already on your way.

It’s not that you minded.

You just wanted to be... appreciated.

You just wanted them to see you.

Maybe they would if you kept trying.

Maybe they would if you made them a homemade gift for each birthday.

Maybe they would if you always answered back their texts right away.

You thought you needed to earn the right to be appreciated.

You realized how wrong you were when you met the turtles.

————

You brought your jacket closer around your body, shivering.

Of course you had to walk home! Alone! In the dark! In the RAIN!

Apparently it was too much to ask for a ride home after hanging out. There wasn’t enough room in the car!

Of course.

Just like every other time, asking to come along was too much.

You shivered again as rain dripped down your back.

“This sucks.” You groaned.

You eyed every dark alley way. You’d read enough fanfiction to expect some cringey creepy man to come out and attack you.

But what DID attack you was completely unexpected.

“LOOK OUT!” A voice shouted.

You didn’t even have time to flinch before something landed on top of you. The weight of it brought you to the ground with a shriek.

“Sorry about that!”

That wasn’t a ‘something’ but a someone!

They scrambled off you quickly.

You stood up and whipped around, rubbing your aching head. “What the hell were you doing?! Do you do parkour on the rooftops or something?!”

Ugh, today just wasn’t your day.

Finally, you glanced up.

They... they clearly weren’t a human.

Green skin...

Orange dots?

A... a shell??

And an orange mask.

Your jaw nearly dropped.

The creature gave you a sheepish grin. “Umm... hey! Yeah... maybe.. possibly... I was doing parkour on the roof...?” He rubbed the back of his neck and eyed the sky, a blush forming across his face. “I was on my way... my way to the comic con!”

He must be looking for a way to leave.

You weren’t ready for that though. You still needed to know what he was! And possibly his name!

You inched closer, holding your phone closer. Just in case. “What... what exactly are you?”

His eyes were on the floor now, as if your words had made him... upset.

“Sorry if that offended you!” You responded immediately. Ugh why did you word it like that? You didn’t mean it as if you thought he was a monster! “I just... I’ve had a really confusing night, my mouth runs faster than my brain, and I just got body slammed into the cement!” You rubbed the back of your head again.

He seemed much more satisfied with this answer. “Well... I don’t think you’d believe me...”

You eyed him up and down. “Dude, I think just looking at you would be enough for me to believe you.”

He let out a small laugh. “So ummm... yeah. I’m a turtle?”

You frowned. “Yeah, I think I see that.”

Well this was a strange turn of conversation.

Why not?

It’s New York after all.

He shuffled nervously. “People aren’t really supposed to know about it.”

You waved him off. “Psh, I don’t have anyone that would want to hear it or believe me anyway.” You stepped closer, your grip on your phone loosening. “Honestly, that’s pretty cool! I didn’t know people like you existed!”

It hurt but it was true.

Your friends would think you were making stuff up for attention.

“MIKEY!”

The new voice cause you to nearly jump out of your skin.

Three people, just like this guy, landed by his side.

One with a red mask and build like a tank.

Another with a blue mask and strange yellow stripes.

The last one had a purple mask and a staff of some kind.

“Are you okay, little man?” The red one asked worriedly. “You just took a huge fall!”

“I swear you’re gonna be feeling that a week from now.” The blue one snorted, resting his SWORD on his shoulder like it was a baseball bat.

“I estimate it’ll be closer to three weeks.” The purple one corrected, tapping a device on his wrist.

You stepped back.

There were more people like... Mikey? Was that his name?

Well, might as well find some way to get into this conversation. You weren’t gonna let the most interesting thing that ever happened to you slip away.

“You’re name’s Mikey?” You asked, the three surrounding the orange masked turtle jumping.

“Human!” The blue masked one shouted.

The large red one shoved Miley behind him. “Hi! Uh... we... we were just on our way to Comic-Con!”

“Guys-.” Mikey tried only to get Interrupted.

“Could you help us find our way?” The purple one joined, cutting him off.

You raised an eyebrow. “Nice try. I already know you guys are turtles.”

“Dang it Mikey!” The blue one shoved Mikey. “You just gonna spill our secret to everyone you meet in New York?”

“She deserves to know!” Mikey squeaked. “I messed up a flip and body slammed her into the concrete!” He turned to you, eyes hopeful. “And... she didn’t seem scared of me!”

This stopped the other boys.

Mikey shoved them all away from him. “These are my brothers! Leo,” he pointed at the blue one, “Donnie,” the purple one, “and Raph!”

You waved awkwardly, eyes landing warily on the largest one.

These guys didn’t seem as sweet and trusting as Mikey.

Donnie was looking you up and down for any sign of a threat.

Leo has his sword out.

Raph has his tonfas ready in his fists.

Maybe it’d be better to just leave.

“I’m not gonna tell anyone.” You shook your head to further emphasize your point. “I was just walking home anyway. All of this...” you spread out your arms, “was a complete accident.”

Mikey gave you a toothy grin. “Yeah, sorry about that.” He turned to his skeptical brothers. “She seems nice! She could be just like April!”

You kicked at the ground sheepishly now that the attention was back to you. “You can just go and I won’t tell anyone.”

“We can’t just let you go.” Donnie scoffed.

For a split second, you thought they were going to kill you for finding out their secret. Or kidnap you. Something bad.

“Not with that whole situation.” He gestured to your forehead.

Curiously, you reached up and touched it.

Your fingers were wet with blood.

Go figure.

“No, it’s fine, really.” You assured them. “My apartment isn’t too far-.”

“Please, it’s fine.” Raph waved you off. “It’ll make up for this bonehead over here.” He loosely jabbed his thumb in Mikeys direction.

You wanted to say yes.

You wanted to say yes so badly.

“I don’t know, you probably got plans.” Leo shrugged, putting his sword away. “It’s a Friday afternoon, after all.”

That was enough for you to make a decision.

“No, I’m actually free.” You offered. “I actually don’t even have a medicine kit at my house-.”

“Alright let’s go!” Mikey grabbed your wrist excitedly and lead the way, not even waiting for you to finish your sentence.

————

You only meant to spend ten or fifteen minutes there, tops.

But after Donnie had your head taken care of Mikey wanted to know if you wanted to play a video game.

You couldn’t say no.

Then, after an hour of the Lou jitsu game, Leo wanted to know if you wanted to check out his sword.

You felt like you had to say yes.

It’s not every day you get to see a sword!

After accidentally getting portalled to New Jersey and FINALLY making your way back, Donnie wanted to know if he could borrow you.

He needed to fix his computer and he needed your smaller fingers to reach the back for him.

Saying no just wasn’t an option.

After almost exploding the poor piece of technology, Raph wanted to know if you knew April O’Neil.

You heard them mention her earlier but you didn’t know they meant THAT April. You’d seen her around before but never really talked to her. Who knew she’d be involved with mutants from the sewer?

He invited April to join them as well.

He thought some human company and someone who would make you feel more normal about the whole situation would make you more comfortable.

He was right.

April was AWESOME.

You hadn’t realized how loud and how fun she could be!

She talked to you about how she met the turtles and every little adventure they went on!

You hoped, secretly, that you could be a part of newer ones.

Eventually, the time came for you to leave.

You were sad of course, but you felt happier than you had in days.

You left with five new numbers in your contacts list and a baked green bean casserole from a rat.

Maybe you should get body slammed into the concrete more often.

————

“Wanna go to that party with me after school?” Your friend asked casually at the lunch table. “Dana couldn’t go with me and everyone else is busy. I need a plus one!”

You smiled as you responded to a meme Leo sent you, your friends words going in one ear and out the other.

“Y/n.” She asked again.

Still no response.

“Are you even listening to me?”

You snapped out of it and straightened up. “What?”

“You and I are going to a party after school.” She informed you. “We should probably pick out our outfits right when it ends. I don’t know if I’ll be able to drive you but you can just walk-.”

“Oh,” you picked your phone up again, “sorry, I have plans.”

This got her to stop. “You have plans? But you never have plans?”

Your other friend snickered. “Yeah, you’re a hermit! You never go out or do anything!”

You blushed furiously. “I’m going to my friends house to watch a movie, okay? I’m not a hermit.”

“A friend, huh?” One of them rolled her eyes. “How come I’ve never heard of them before?”

“I just met them last month.” You picked at your shirt nervously. Why weren’t they happier for you?

“Them?” Another repeated, shocked. “You have more than one knew friend?”

“Yeah.” You straightened up a bit. “Them. They’re super nice but they don’t go to our school.”

The first one rolled her eyes. “Fine, whatever, think what you want. But I need you to sit with me and Jake at the park tomorrow so he can compare-.”

You didn’t even let her begin to finish her sentence. “I’m busy that day.”

“Again?” She gaped. “Seriously?”

“Now you’re just making stuff up.” Another scoffed.

“Why is it so unbelievable that I’d be busy?” You glared at them, clutching your phone protectively. “You’re all busy all the time! Why can’t I be?”

They glanced at each other with knowing looks.

“Because you barely talk to anyone! No offense, but you can be really boring.” The one next to you shrugged. “What even is your friends name anyway? You’d have said their name if they were real.”

You felt your face heating up.

Boring?

Quiet?

“His name Mikey.” You grumbled. “And maybe I don’t talk because none of you give me a chance!”

“A boy?!” The one in front of you gasped. They didn’t even acknowledge any of your other words. “Please, how could you score a boy?”

“He’s probably really ugly, no offense y/n.” One chuckled as if she were joking.

You had enough. “You know, I’m feeling a little crowded. I’m gonna go sit somewhere else.”

“You don’t even have anyone to sit with! You’re a hermit, remember?” One girl called out to you.

“I do have someone to sit with.” You growled, heading for April’s table. You should have started sitting with her a long long LONG time ago.

“Alright, see you Monday I guess.” Was the reply.

The way they just blew it off... UGH. You wanted to punch something.

“Hey, what brings you to the cool kid table?” April grinned, shoving Dale over to make room. “Aren’t you supposed to be with your other friends?”

You managed to shove away the buzzing anger in your head, replacing your frown with a matching smile. “Nah, there’s not enough room for me AND their egos.”

April snorted, assuming you were joking. “Well there’s always room for you here!”

Those were words you’d waited too long to hear.

—————

You still saw your old friends and occasionally filled in for them when they needed an extra.

But you denied their offers more and more.

For once, you knew what it felt like to be prioritized.

“Hey we’re gonna watch a Lou Jitsu movie, wanna come?”

“I saw this glass painting trend online and I thought you’d want to come over and do it with me!”

“I heard this song and I thought you’d like it. Here’s the link!”

“Check our this hilarious meme!”

“Dale and I are gonna go to that shin dig. I don’t know if that’s you’re thing but you’re welcome to join us!”

What a refreshing change of pace

Let me know if I should make a part two!

Divorce? Is that a kind of Cheese?

Summary: Sea monsters mate for life. They're not like people, they don't separate or get divorces. Mates are permanent. Except when they're not.

Or: Giulia and Alberto are both children of divorce. Luca is confused.

A/N: Here it is! The long-awaited Luca fic! I hope you all like it! Special thanks to @psadler1 for beta reading this! And now without further ado.

Luca bounced in his seat as the train carried him home from Genoa. He couldn’t wait to see his family and tell them all about what he’d learned while he was away. He couldn’t wait to see Alberto again. He smiled at the thought of seeing his friend.

Giulia smiled from where she sat next to him, “You’re really excited to get home, huh?”, He nodded shyly, “So am I. I love my mom but I miss my dad while I’m away.” Luca sat back down from where he’d been staring out the window. A question formed in the back of his mind, one that he’d wondered since he’d left Portorosso and met Angelina. He’d never dared to voice it until now, “Why don’t you’re parents live together?”

She looked away and, for a split second, Luca thought he saw her tearing up. He wanted to take back the question but, before he could, Giulia blinked away her tears and schooled her expression, “They used to. When I was really little we all lived in Portorosso together. But they fought a lot. And eventually, they sat me down and told me they were getting a divorce and I’d go to Genoa with Mama for school.”

Divorce? Luca wondered what that could be. It sounded like some kind of fancy cheese. Like the ones, Angelina would buy to make sandwiches with. Judging by her tone, however, Luca didn’t think it was like brie or mozzarella. He decided to test his luck once more, “What’s a divorce?” “It’s when two people who are married decide they don’t want to be married anymore. You probably have a different word for it.”

Again Luca was puzzled, “You can stop being married?”, he asked. From everything he’d heard up to this point, marriage seemed pretty permanent.

“Yeah. Don’t you have anything like that?” He shook his head, “No. Sea monsters mate for life.”, He’d known this since birth. Upon turning 16 they would declare mates and spend the next two years courting before sealing their relationship. And that was that. They spent their lives together. Your lifemate was your everything.

“What if they stop loving each other??”, He rubbed the back of his neck at the question, trying to think of an answer. In truth, Luca didn’t know what would happen then. The thought of not loving your lifemate enough to leave them was unthinkable. You just didn’t do that. It was permanent.

Then again, from what he’d been told, marriage was supposed to be permanent too. That didn’t stop Giulia’s parents from divorcing, “I don’t know. But I can ask my parents and tell you what they say?”

Giulia sighed, “It’s ok. You don’t have to.”, Luca nodded, but was secretly determined to find out.

The question didn’t come up right away, he was busy catching his parents and Alberto up on how his school year went. The reunion had been full of hugs, kisses, and tears. His mother and Massimo had worked together to make a feast of both human and seafood for the pair, with Alberto even chipping in to make some desserts. It was a fantastic night of dancing, singing, and eating. And at the end of it all, Daniela and Lorenzo agreed to let him spend the night with Alberto.

The taller sea monster had been all too eager to show him the changes made to his island. He wasn’t fully ready to stay with Massimo all of the time, so Massimo agreed to let him go back and forth between the two places. Of course, that didn’t mean that he wasn’t going to make sure that Alberto was safe and protected. So the pair had spent the fall working to make it more secure from the elements. Luca was impressed upon seeing the changes that had occurred while he was away. They’d spent the night catching up and playing games together. Luca had had a blast. So much so that the question of divorce was forgotten completely.

He didn’t think about divorce again until two weeks later. He was eating dinner with his family, listening to his mother catch him up on everything that had changed while he was away. It was just them tonight; most nights they ate with Giulia, Massimo, and Alberto, but they had a family dinner at least once a week.

Daniella was prepping dinner, sharing all the family news he missed while away at school, “And did I tell you that your cousin Camilla picked Donnie Branzino to be her lifemate? I love her I do, but Donnie Branzino? Out of everyone she could have picked, she picks Bianca Branzino’s boy? Now we have to deal with them at every family gathering from here on out.” Luca stilled in his seat at the mention of lifemates, the conversation he’d had with Giulia returning full force, “Mama?”, he asked, trying to be discreet.

Daniella turned and sat his plate in front of him, “No you cannot go have dinner with your friends. I worked all day making your favorites.”

Luca shook his head, “It’s not that. I have a question about lifemates.” She raised an eyebrow at him, “Lifemates? You have two years before you have to worry about lifemates. What do you want to know?”

He swallowed, gathering all of his confidence before speaking, “What happens if they don’t want to be lifemates anymore?”

“What do you mean?” He shrugged and tried to act casual, “Like if they stopped loving each other. Could they stop being lifemates?” “Sweetheart.”, she placed a hand on his shoulder, “You know we mate for life. Sea monsters don’t fall out of love or stop being mates. Did you hear something?”, Luca sighed and lowered his gaze to the food in front of him.

“Giulia told me about this human thing called divorced. It’s when two human mates stop loving each other and then stop being mates.” Daniella sighed, “That’s awful. But I can’t think of anything happening like around here. Have you Lorenzo?”, for once the other sea monster was paying attention and shook his head.

“Not that I’m aware of.”, Luca nodded in response. He supposed it really was as simple as he first thought. That was until his grandmother spoke up.

“I remember a pair of lifemates who split up.”, Luca looked over at her, hoping she’d elaborate.

“Go on?”, he encouraged with a smile.

“You were only a baby when it happened. Only 3 or 4. There was a couple who lived on the outskirts of town. They had a son around your age. My friend used to babysit for the wife, I can’t remember her name. Lucia? No, Liliana? It doesn’t matter. They argued all the time. Eventually, they split and went to two different pods. He took their son. And then they were both gone.” Luca swallowed at her story. “Oh.”, were the only words he could find himself able to say. The rest of the meal was silent.

“And sometimes human mates just leave each other?”, Alberto asked. They were gathering stones along the beach while they waited for Giulia to finish her deliveries. Luca had told him what she’d said in the meantime.

“Yeah. And I asked my family what happens if lifemates fall out of love and my grandma told me about this couple she used to know that just left. They went to two different pods like they were never together. I always thought lifemates were forever. It’s crazy, right?”

He over at Alberto, expecting him to agree. Instead, he was staring at the ground, a dark look on his face, “Berto?”

“My parents split.”, It came out as a whisper, almost too quiet to hear. Luca’s jaw dropped. He knew that Alberto’s dad had left him, the thought of a parent leaving him filled Luca with white-hot anger. But he’d never said anything about his mother. Luca had assumed that she’d died.

“Oh?”, Alberto sat down and Luca sat beside him, “What happened?” “They fought all the time. And then one night I heard my mama say she couldn’t deal with my papa anymore. And then she left. Only she didn’t take me with her. She...She forgot me. I don’t know why but she did. My father said she didn’t want me. That she didn’t want either of us.”, Tears slowly but surely began to drip down his face, Luca was regretting ever bringing it up.

He wrapped an arm around Alberto, pulling the other boy close, “I’m sorry she left you. She shouldn’t have done that.”, Alberto shook his head fiercely at his words.

“It’s my fault. She left because I’m such a bad kid.” “You’re not bad. You’re amazing. And anyone who says otherwise is a liar.”, Luca hugged the other boy tightly.

“My dad always said so.” “And he’s as much of a liar as Bruno then.”, the resolution in Luca’s voice was as clear as the sky on a sunny day, “You are amazing. And my best friend.” Alberto snorted, “Thanks.”, he whipped his eyes and sat up, “Sorry about crying on you.” “It’s fine.”, Luca rubbed his shoulders, “I’m sorry your parents put you through that.”, They sat like that for some time before Alberto spoke up.

“I wish I didn’t have to pick a lifemate.” Luca looked at him, “Why?”

“Because what if I end up like my parents? I have to trust that they understand me like you do.” Luca looked at Alberto in understanding, “I get how you feel. What if my lifemate doesn’t like me going to the surface? Or what if they don’t like me hanging out with you?”

Alberto sat up straighter, “Lifemates are stupid. Who needs them? We have each other.”, Luca nodded in agreement. Surely a lifemate couldn’t be as cool as being with his best friend, “It can be you, me, and Giulia exploring the world. No lifemates needed.”, The pair sat like that for only a moment longer before getting up and swimming back to town. One thing was clear for both of them; all they needed was each other.

A/N: As always, leave a comment if you liked it.

6/7 Ruins: Legends of Labyrinth

1 2 3 4a 4b 5 x 7  

Due to the severe overlap in Vector and Nasch/Merag’s story, I couldn’t finish talking about all of Vector without talking about Nasch first. He is integral to understanding Vector’s behavior and roles. 

Nasch and Merag are the final Barian Emperors of the show. Unlike the other Emperors, they don’t have a “canon” legend of their own. Their story is told to us through the memories of Ryouga after being prompted by Abyss, the Guardian of this ruin, and Durbe.

Although this legend is supposed to cover both Nasch and Merag, Nasch ends up with the fuller story (and therefore more focus). Merag died at the start of the legend and only had a couple of episodes as an Emperor. Her role is important for Nasch’s motivations, but that’s just what she is—a motivation for Nasch. It sucks, but there a few noteworthy things about her.

These ruins are located in the Labyrinth under the ocean. It isn’t clear what trickery is at play (I assume Duel Monsters magic) so this place may or may not be a real location. It existed in the past, but that one was on land while this one is submerged. However, the Labyrinth is an interesting choice for the ruins due to how it relates to Nasch’s story. 

The story started in the United Lands of the Poseidon Ocean, where Nasch was a beloved king and Merag was a priestess and princess. It followed the latter half of Vector’s tales. 

Vector attacked their land, he was unsuccessful, in retaliation Vector summoned a powerful God “Number 73: Abyss Splash, the Roaring Waterfall Deity” by performing a blood sacrifice, Merag sacrificed herself, you know the gist. Oh, Durbe was there but this wasn't about him.

This began the long rivalry between Nasch and Vector. Since I described most of what happened in Vector’s story already, I don’t need to gloss over it here. But there were a few notable things from Nasch’s perspective. 

Something new that we find out was that Merag’s sacrifice was pushed onto her by Don Thousand. It was implied that she was hypnotized into killing herself in an attempt to send Nasch into despair, but this was where things get a little mucky with Don Thousand’s interventions. She died under hypnosis (?), but then she came back as a spirit to guide Nasch through his journey. And then she went to Barian World after Nasch died. I think. I don’t know. Someone help. 

Since she wasn’t exposed to her Mythyrian Number and Don Thousand’s explanation was very lackluster, we don’t find out what truly happened to her aside from being sacrificed. My honest interpretation is that Don Thousand didn’t directly kill her. Instead, he gave her knowledge on how to stop “Abyss Splash”. It was ultimately her decision to sacrifice herself, and she did. This gave her access to Don Thousand’s powers, yet she maintained her autonomy, allowing her to aid Nasch in the afterlife before going to Barian World.  

Another new detail was that Nasch found a little girl named Iris in one of the destroyed villages. The girl bore a high resemblance to Merag, and Nasch said that Merag may have guided him to this girl to aid him in his destiny.

After finding the location of Vector, and with his army still injured from previous battles, Nasch decided to face Vector by himself with “Abyss Splash” by his side. As he battled in the Labyrinth, Durbe, his army, and Iris advanced into the battlefield to try to save him, resulting in everyone (except Durbe) getting slaughtered by Vector’s army of men and monsters. 

When the Shadow Game of the Labyrinth was completed, all of Nasch’s men and Iris laid dead outside of the Labyrinth, sending Nasch into grief. This grief sealed his fate as a Barian Emperor.  

The story ends with Nasch pursuing and defeating Vector in his Cursed Royal Palace.

What we never found out was how Nasch died. Death is needed to become a Barian, and the last we saw of him was in Vector’s castle. He may have lived out the rest of his life until old age got him, but this was never stated. Personally, I think Nasch killed himself after completing his goal, which was to stop Vector’s terror. He lost all his men in battle, and the one person he cared for, Merag, was gone (he still had a kingdom to care for but this is Mr. Shark we’re talking about here). He fulfilled his desires. If he had nothing left to live for, he could end it there and ascend into Barian World to be with his people. 

Nasch is also a character whose fate is tied to Merag closely, as both Ryouga + Rio and Nasch + Merag. When Rio was hospitalized in the first season, Ryouga lost the will to duel (and since this is yugioh, that essentially equates to life) or be productive like going to his classes. When Vector tossed Merag into a Black Hole, Nasch followed her; if it wasn’t for Abyss, they would’ve died together. I’m not saying that there’s enough evidence to conclude that he killed himself in his past life, but the actual cause is unknown and if Nasch is a person whose fate is interwoven with Merag’s, perhaps. 

Alright. I skipped over a lot of the details in the story because there are a lot of things that happened there.

To begin, Nasch is an Emperor who went to Barian World on his own accord. 

He isn’t tricked or hypnotized into going there, and this distinction is why I think Nasch is the most powerful of the Seven Emperors, alongside Vector for about the same reasons. Their own raw emotions led them to Barian World, making them “true” Barian Emperors. 

For Nasch specifically, this also allows him to access a unique form of Chaos. Yuma mentioned that Nasch’s Chaos possesses is different from previous forms of Chaos.

Unlike the others, whose powers derive primarily from Don Thousand’s Over-Hundred Numbers and trickery, Nasch is an Emperor who is separate from Don Thousand (although Donny prodding him with a stick could count i guess). His Chaos is not the same as Don Thousand nor the other Emperors. Rejecting Don Thousand isn’t the only thing that distinguishes his strength, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

There is a sizable amount of subtext that proves Nasch’s unique Chaos, aside from Yuma’s direct observations.

In the final scene within the Labyrinth, the place that sealed his fate as a Barian and why it holds such significance as the location of his ruins, Nasch defeats Vector and causes a familiar object to fall from its pedestal and shatter. 

Although seemingly meaningless, this sequence tells the audience how Nasch views Don Thousand. He walks away from the remnants of Don Thousand’s crest, and the entire framing of this scene tells the audience to pay attention to the broken crest and what Nasch is doing there. Nasch quite literally destroys and rejects Don Thousand. This is in stark contrast to Vector, an Emperor who derives all of his powers from Don Thousand, who is constantly framed with the emblem behind him. This is critical in how Nasch and Vector function as Emperors; one accepts Don Thousand’s power in its entirety while the other turns his head. And as you know, this rivalry comes back later in the show. 

(My only gripe with this is that we don’t know how Nasch got his Over-Hundred Number. All of the others had their cards explicitly injected into them, but with Nasch, it’s ambiguous how he acquired his Number.)

Furthermore, a few scenes with Iris and Merag hints that Nasch will not become Don Thousand’s Emperor due to his motto of “doing things his own way”.

Nasch has a destiny, and his destiny is to become a Barian. 

I think this particular scene spells it out nicely. As Nasch recounts that “this” is his destiny, the scene pans up towards the Big Dipper, which is what all of the Emperors are named after. The subtext implies that “this is my destiny” equates to “becoming an Emperor”. Nasch is fully aware that being a Barian Emperor is something he cannot escape. 

However, the final line states is that he will “fight against it”. This somewhat implies that Nasch tried to escape becoming a Barian, but that’s a shallow reading that contradicts his original statement. His fight isn’t to escape becoming a Barian Emperor. His fight is to escape becoming one of Don Thousand’s Barian Emperors, or one that is influenced by Don’s Chaos and manipulations. 

In that case, Nasch succeeds because he is the only Emperor unaffected by this evil strain of Chaos, and the scene in the Labyrinth backs this up.

Now, how did Nasch fight Don Thousand’s influence? I don’t think he did this alone. 

And this is where I think Merag fits in. I believe it’s her influence and guidance that allows Nasch to become the Emperor that he is.

Merag represents a positive influence on Nasch in all of the lives they live. Within the past life, she guides him through it and “protects” him. It’s the reason why Ryouga becomes so hateful and bloodthirsty without Rio to keep him in check, or why Nasch pursues Vector with so much anger prior to running into Iris, a proxy of Merag. She is a purifying force, and because of her, she prevents Nasch from falling into the path of revenge and hatred.

Merag is responsible for Nasch coming into contact with Iris. Originally, Iris’ role isn’t very clear aside from having someone for Nasch to grieve over, but I suspect that Merag orchestrates this to keep Nasch’s motivations “pure-hearted”. As in, he shouldn’t be pursuing Vector for only revenge. 

Prior to meeting Iris, Nasch’s primary motive is to kill Vector and avenge his fallen sister. He chases him everywhere, growing angrier and more bloodthirsty as he did so. But when he comes into contact with Iris, his goals seems to have shifted. He finds Iris in a village pillaged by Vector. By witnessing this atrocity and its effects on a familiar girl, I believe it pushes Nasch’s motives away from “kill Vector because revenge” to “kill Vector to protect the lives of innocent people like Iris (and a sprinkle of revenge)”. Soon after meeting Iris, Nasch realizes that his fight with Vector is costing innocent lives, and this realization influences his actions in the subsequent scenes. 

This may be reading into it too much, but Merag may have been “protecting” Nasch from a fate of becoming a Barian of hatred. Although she can’t escape Don Thousand herself, her goal was to aid Nasch in his fight against Don Thousand’s influence. 

And finally, there’s Nasch’s relationship to his Mythyrian Number. 

Out of all the Emperors, Nasch is the only who consistently uses it in its base form. Despite being a Barian Emperor, Nasch relies on the Mythyrian Number “Number 73: Abyss Splash, the Roaring Waterfall Deity” as much as he does his Over-Hundred Number “Number 101: Silent Honors Ark Knight”, and he is the only Barian Emperor to do so. (with Vector being an exception which I’ll explain later)

This almost doesn’t make sense since we know that Mythyrian Numbers are the antithesis to Over-Hundred Numbers. They have been able to purge Don Thousand’s Chaos from the bodies of the other Emperors. But, BUT Nasch isn’t one of Don Thousand’s Emperors, isnt he? 

Nasch acquired “Number 73: Abyss Splash, the Roaring Waterfall Deity” via Merag, and unlike the others, this Mythyrian is never purged from his body. He becomes an Emperor even with a Mythyrian in him, which is quite a feat and shows how strong his Barian-destiny is. Not only that, he is able to take “Abyss Splash” and transform it into a Chaos Number “Chaos Number 73: Abyss Supra, the God of Roaring Cascades”. Like previously stated, Vector also has this distinction (although he never summons the base-form of “Judge Buster” like Nasch always does). 

Nasch is also on very good terms with his Mythyrian Number. After all, a key plot point in Zexal is that “Abyss Splash” saves Merag and Nasch after Vector sends them into the black hole. He also agrees to unlock their memories as Barian Emperors if they met again. And for a Mythyrian Number, this is odd. Supposedly they are the opposite of the Barians and Over-Hundreds. “Abyss Splash” should keep their memories as Emperors locked since it means he is erasing two very strong Barians from existence. 

But I want to make a point that Mythyrian Numbers only reveal the true emotions and memories of their beholder. With Alito during his Ruins duel and my discussion with Vector, the Mythyrian Numbers reveal the truth. They expel false emotions, which is why the other Emperors acquire their true personalities or memories when exposed to them. Since Nasch was uninfluenced by Don Thousand, this means he is made of only true memories and emotions. Therefore, Nasch has nothing to hide and “Abyss Splash” has nothing to purge, providing more evidence that Nasch is a true Barian. 

Likewise with my discussion with Vector, where I said his Mythyrian revealed nothing new about Vector because what we see is what we get, these two Emperors are “true” Emperors with some key differences (Don Thousand’s Chaos being one of them). Their individual revolves as Barians are so strong that even with the purifying effect of their Mythyrians, they are persons who are naturally destined for Barian World. While Vector ends up rejecting his Mythyrian Number, Nasch embraces it and synergizes with it. This explains his constant reliance on “Abyss Splash” and his ability to chaosify it by natural means. Vector, on the other hand, holds no respect for his Mythyrian and only manages to play its Chaos form by sheer luck. If we consider that Vector is heavily influenced by Don Thousand (which the Mythyrians suppress), this may explain why he is unable to synergize with his Mythyrian Number. Because Nasch does not rely on Don Thousand’s powers, he is able to use his Mythyrian Number without an issue. And since Nasch does not belong to Don Thousand, “Abyss Splash” is willing to help him. 

So Nasch is a unique Emperor, but why is he as powerful as he is?

For Chaos, my assumption is that you become a Barian if you die with strong desires, or some form of attachment to your life as a human. (simply being evil or hateful isn’t a strong definition due to Yuma and Iris.)

For most of the Emperors, this culminates in their desire for revenge against the people who betrayed them. For Merag and Nasch, their situation is different. Merag, I believe, died with a desire to stay by Nasch’s side, and maybe some of Don Thousand’s influence since it wasn’t very clear what he did to her aside from sacrificial stuff. With Nasch, revenge may have been on his mind, but that motivation concluded when he defeated Vector for the last time. Nasch should’ve been satisfied. So why didn’t he go to Astral World? 

Aside from his destiny as an Emperor, it’s because he held attachment to his past life. Nasch couldn’t go to Astral World, or ascend with a clear conscience, because he cannot let go of his life as an Earthling—the people he met, the friends he made, his choices leading to their deaths, his grief and remorse. Nasch cannot move forward from nor forgive himself for these things. Because he is held down by his emotions, it makes him the perfect “true” Barian, one that isn’t motivated by solely hatred or short-lived revenge but simply by strong attachment and honest heart. 

If attachment can lead to a powerful Barian, then Nasch has to be one of the strongest Barians. 

My evidence to this is his entire duel with Thomas. It reflects Nasch’s heavy attachment in an ironically tragic way. 

The duel occurs shortly after Nasch finds out he is a Barian Emperor. Throughout and prior to the duel, he argues that he is a Barian Emperor. His actions, however, suggest that he hasn’t fully accepted this fate yet. It’s evidenced that during this duel, Ryouga still resides within Nasch through his consistently mumbling that he hasn’t lost his human heart.

It makes sense that he is unable to detach himself from his previous human life as Ryouga Kamishiro because by his own nature. Nasch cannot let go of the past; he cannot abandon humanity that easily. His nature, the one that made him such a powerful Emperor in the past, is also hindering his ability to become a full Emperor in the moment.

This proves especially difficult since his opponent is Thomas, who has such a powerful bond (???idk, the show said it not me???) with Ryouga that he is able to tap into Nasch’s humanity.

Nasch will not abandon Ryouga by choice. His attachment is so heavy that he cannot reject it under normal circumstances, so what he does in this duel provides some insight in the strength of his bonds and how far he goes to break them. 

(I suspect that this is why he tells the other Emperors to kill him if his resolve as their leader begins to falter; he isn’t sure he has the strength to reject his human side).

So in all of the duels that involve Nasch, he is always void of cruelty and sadism. He does not toy with his opponent like Vector usually does. His duel with Thomas is the only one where he is sadistic towards his opponent. The writers make it extremely noticeable that his treatment of Thomas during this duel iss not due to, like, him being an actual sadist. He isn’t a naturally cruel person or because he hates Thomas, which is reinforced repeatedly throughout the duel via Nasch’s internal thoughts. 

On the contrary, he torments Thomas because by resorting to vileness to someone he once cared about, Nasch is putting himself in a situation where his actions speaks for him. If he can emotionally hurt and physically kill Thomas, it is enough for him to accept that he can no longer be a human; he crosses a thick line by performing these actions. Even if Nasch lacked malice, what he does to Thomas means is able to harm and murder humans; whether he means it or not is irrelevant. 

Although he starts by insulting Thomas on a personal level (which cmon, baby-banter dude), he manages to get the reactions he wants by showing Thomas the death of his allies before callously mocking them. Nasch is doing something unforgivable and appalling, but that’s exactly what he is going for. By resorting to this level of cruelty to Ryouga’s friend, Nasch makes it difficult to return to his old life as Ryouga.

And I don’t think Nasch is enjoying this process in the same way as a typical villain would. Each time he is successful in coaxing IV to hate him, he keeps monologging about how Ryouga will “die” or thanking Thomas for being a stepping stool to Emperor-dom. 

His underlying motives is oriented towards a specific goal rather than sadistic pleasure, which I think is important for his character overall. When Thomas finally snaps at him, by finally referring to him as the monster Nasch rather than his friend Ryouga, Nasch affirms that he burned the bridge. 

Thinking about his actions and his nature, Nasch literally can’t abandon his old friends until he commits an atrocity so bad that Thomas calls him out for his lowliness. In order to lose his attachment to the humans he cares for, Nasch has to resort to being uncharacteristically inhumane towards them. If we assume that he holds this level of attachment during his past life, it makes plenty of sense why Nasch is as strong a Barian as he is. 

So… It’s hard to tell if he succeeds in abandoning his humanity during this duel. 

I mean, obviously he chooses the Barians over humans in the end, but his actions at the end of the duel is… questionable?

These reactions aren’t from someone who lost his humanity. His mannerism towards Thomas says that he still has kindness and sympathy in his heart for humans. 

And this line—

—which can be tossed up as an odd translation, but if I were to look at this, this line implies that “Ryouga” is still alive despite what Nasch does, but he won’t be for long. Ryouga will die once Nasch kills Yuma and all of his old friends. That’s just me though. I don’t really have a solid answer for this duel’s conclusion. 

Nasch may be a person who is incapable of severing bonds, or if he is, he has to take extreme measures to do so. These final scenes somewhat show that it isn’t easy for him to unattach himself from his old life.  

Merag shares this theme too. With the minimal amount of screentime she gets, we get to see that Merag shares similar levels of attachment with Nasch. With her original death, I assume that her desire to be with and protect Nasch is enough to send her to Barian World (along with whatever Don Thousand did, wasnt too clear there)

During her duel with Tetsuo, she cries after killing him, which is sound evidence that she holds emotions and attachment to her life as Rio Kamishiro as much as Nasch is with Ryouga. 

She is a powerful Barian Emperor. She would’ve defeated Vector had it not been for Don Thousand’s interference. Although her weakness comes from her inheritance of Don Thousand’s Chaos (and I’ll explain why this is a major weakness soon), he does not trick her into wanting revenge before her death. Rather Merag and Nasch (and perhaps Vector, too, although his sendoff is due to his high levels of malice for life on Earth) are powerful because they hold attachment to their previous life. They both struggle to let go of the past or abandon what they love, and in the terms of becoming a Barian, this is a very good thing. 

This brings us to the final question. Nasch--why no evil. Why is his Chaos unlike that of Vector, or Don Thousand, or the other Emperors? What exactly is this unique Chaos that Yuma saw in Nasch?

The ruins may be finished, but there’s a couple of unfinished things I want to address with Zexal’s World of Chaos.

Turtles Forever Part 39

Return To The Underground

In the lair, Mikey, and Raph and Mona are playing Frisbee while Leo was training. Yuuki was sitting down, reading silently. Donnie is in his lab. He didn't even notice Venus had walked in. 

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Research." Donnie briefly answered.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" Venus asked. She takes a paper off of his desk, only for Donnie to take it back and set it down.

"No. I got it. But thanks anyway." Donnie said not even looking up.

"Please, I want to help." Venus said.

"Then you can help me by going away. I can barely work with all of these distractions anyway." Donnie said as he was trying to ignore the playful loud yells of the Frisbee game going on and the training session.

"So that's all I am to you? An distraction?" Venus asked, hurt. But Donnie didn't hear her as he was still looking through the papers. "Fine, I will leave you to your work, Donatello. I'm sorry to bother you." Venus replied coldly. And She walked away leaving the olive green turtle alone to himself.

Donnie looked looked up to see that Venus had vanished and he looked around wondering where she had went. He went back into his work. Unbeknownst to the two of them, someone had been watching the whole thing the entire time, Yuuki.

Back to the Frisbee game with Raph and Mikey. "Coming at ya!" Mikey throws the Frisbee to Raph, but it goes too high and he misses. The disc flies towards Donnie.

"Yo Donnie, heads up!" Mikey calls out.

But he's too absorbed in his work to notice until it hits a stack of papers, sending them flying everywhere.

"Hey you guys!," Donnie yells out angrily as he grabs the disc "Can't you just leave me alone! I'm sick of all these interruptions! I can't work like this!" He throws the disc hard and Leo raises a hand, catching it in midair.

"Whoa, ease up, Donnie," Leo said. "You okay?"

"I know you ain't slept in day, bro?" Raph replied as they make their way towards him.

"Maybe, you're, I don't know, working too much," Mikey comments.

"I'm trying to find a cure for friends, trapped in the underground city," Donnie answered as he walks over to the computer with a crystal in his hand.

"That creepy place?" Mikey asked.

"Well, how do you think they feel? They're like prisoners down there." Donnie points out.

"Man, remember that spooky sole survivor guy?" Mikey answered.

"Remember what he said?" Donnie asked.

"As we speak, the power of the cavern's crystal moon is infusing your friends with its regenerative energy."

"I remember we had to put that wackbag on ice." Raph adds.

"And when our friends strayed too far from the crystal moon, they turn right back into monsters." Donnie continues. "We made them a promise, remember? A promise to find a cure, and I know the cure has something to do with these crystals, I just don't know what," Donnie begins to walk back into his lab, Raph was about to say something but Leo stops him.

"Let him go, Raph, Don's got that "no matter what it takes" look. We better just leave him alone."

Mikey and Yuuki give each other worried looks. As he walked away with his brothers Yuuki stayed behind. She walked up into his research lab.

"You know, you really hurt Venus' feelings. " She scolded.

Donnie looked up at her surprised "What do you mean?" He asked, confused.

Yuuki shakes her head "I'm not going to tell you. Your smart enough figure it out." She said.

it was in the middle of the night, as Donnie stayed up late working in his lab with the crystals. After trying a laser, he stops when he sees that it didn't do too much. He groans, taking off his goggles.

"I still don't have a clue what these things are made off," Donnie groans "Much less how they work,"

He yawns as his eyelids began to feel heavy then he was asleep on his desk.

Everything is dark at first and Donnie can hear someone calling out his name. He thought that it was Venus at first but it sounded a little different. He opened his eyes, he sees that he is back in the underground city. He blinks and he is now deeper into the city and he sees someone walking away from him as they call out his name again. When they turn around, he sees that it's Quarry in her human form.

He blinks again, he sees that she is back in her mutated form and she looks up at the Crystal Moon.

"Donatello,"

"Hear the crystal," Quarry tells him.

The Crystal Moon begins to melt and pour over the city and towards Quarry.

"Hear the crystal," A different voice calls out.

The liquid swallows Quarry in it, but she floats back out of it, she is reverted back into her human form.

"Donatello, hear the crystal," She tells him.

Donnie's eyes immediately opens and he shoots up from his chair. He turns to the crystals lying on the tray and takes them. "The crystal. Hear the crystal, that's it! At least I think that's it. I gotta wake the others. Hey guys!,"

Everyone is gathered around the lab table still half asleep after been woken up. "This better be good Donnie," Mikey groans sleepily and yawns. "A turtle does need his beauty sleep, you know."

"I've been doing some testing," Donnie said as he prepares a machine near the crystals. "The crystals react to sound, high frequency sonic disruption, to be precise," He turns the knob to start up the machine. "That will cause them to break down into their purest, simplest form." As the frequency of the machine goes higher the crystals begin glowing and start to hum louder. Then the two crystals suddenly melt.

"They liquefy!," Donnie said as he turns off the machine. "And in this liquid form, we can administer a version of it like a serum," He picks up the tray and pours the liquid into an tube. "A cure. Our friends will be able to leave the underground city forever."

"Don, I got to say," Leo starts with a smile.

"Way to go, egghead," Raph added.

"I, uh, I'm not so sure I deserve the credit." Donnie starts nervously "I kinda got the idea...in a dream."

"A dream?" Mikey questioned.

"Donnie, you've been working too hard." Raph said.

"No guys, don't you get it," Mikey spoke. "Don had a crystal dream like the one I had last time we went underground."

"We got to get back down there right way." Leo said as he walks over, picking up the tube.

 "I've been working on that to," Donnie said as he opens a drawer from his desk and pulls out a blueprint. "It's a lot shorter, if we go straight down," They walk into Donnie's vehicle lab to see a giant vehicle.  "Ladies and gentlemen, and Mikey," Donnie said as he presented the machine.

"I give you...the Turtle Tunneler!"

Donnie presses some buttons and starts it up. "Tunneler engaged."

Everyone gets strapped in except for Yuuki, Mona, and Venus.

"But, I didn't get the chance to build more seats into it." He said as he looks at the girls.

"That's okay I'll just sit here." Yuuki said as she takes a seat in Leo's lap. He blushes. He wraps his arms around her waist supporting her keeping her from falling off. Mona and Raph does the same as well. Donnie turns to Venus "You can sit with me if you want." He said.

" No, I'll stand thank you. " Venus answers not looking at him.

Donnie shrugs. "Okay, suit yourself." 

"From here on in, the ride gets a whole lot bumpier."  He warns. When Donnie starts up the drill and drives through the wall the whole vessel begins to shake violently. The shaking causes Venus to trip and fall over landing right into Donnie lap. She looks up and glares at him.

He smiles, nervously 'Hey, I tried to warn you."

She crosses her arms and looks away. "I'm not speaking to you."

  The shaking stops when they drill all the way to the abandoned subway tunnel. Donnie drills through another wall.

The Tunneler drives some more deep underground. Donnie noticed that Venus has been quite for awhile now. Then he remembers what Yuuki had told him. He had hurt Venus somehow but what was it? Gears began to grind in his head but nothing came into his mind. He whispers quietly so the others can't hear.

"If I did something to upset you, I'm sorry." He said. "Can you tell me what I did? So I can fix it."

"Why should I? I thought that I was being inconvenience for you. "

"Inconvenience? When did I ever say that?" Donnie asked. He was confused.

"You said that I was an distraction and you never answered back when I asked why."  

"Venus, sometimes when I get caught up in my work I do things or say things I don't mean. I'm sorry that I made you feel that way. You mean a lot to me. Please, forgive me."

"I-I have to think about it. " Venus said.

After some time, they have driven back to the underground city.

"Are we there yet?" Mikey asked and laughs a little, but Raph smacks him on his head.

"Ow!"

"Zip it, goofball." Raph groans.

They began to drive some more as it was a smooth ride the rest of the way.

"Next stop: underground city." Donnie said.

"Already?" Mikey whines. "I barely had time to watch the in-flight movie."

"Wait a minute," Leo speaks as he looks at the screen. "Isn't there supposed to be a light at the end of this tunnel?"

They are soon in the underground city, but they notice that it's dark. "The Crystal Moon! It's gone!"

"Okay, I know there was a giant Crystal Moon thing on the ceiling the last time we were here." Raph speaks.

"It can't just be gone." Leo said.

"It's worse than that," Donnie replied.

"What do you mean, Donatello?" Venus asked.

"The Crystal Moon was the only thing keeping our friends from turning back into monsters."

Donnie begins to drive again around the city, but they stop when they spot something on the screen. Everyone gasps when they see the rogue mutant.

"You were saying?" Mikey asked gravely and the mutant jumps onto the Tunneler.

The monster begins to pound on the machine and Donnie begins to drive, trying shake it off, but they don't get to far when they see a spider mutant in front of them. The monster shoots its webbing at them. Donnie starts up the drill, drilling the webbing off. The monster growls and hits the side of the machine.

"Hang on!" Donnie shouted.

He drills into the wall, knocking the monsters off the vehicle and into another tunnel. But as they make it through, they are suddenly attacked by two more monsters. They pick up the machine and began to carry it off, towards the edge of the cliff. Below them is a river of lava.

The monsters toss the machine, and it begins to descend as they fall down towards the lava. The turtles, Yuuki, Venus screamed as they came closer to the molten lava. Mona closes her eyes shut and clings to Raphael, wrapping her arms around him, hugging him tightly. The vehicle hits and sinks into the lava. Then, they burst out of the lava and drive to solid ground. Everyone is shocked, but relieved.

"Uh, shouldn't we be burnt to a crisp by now?" Yuuki asked.

"What?" Donnie asked when he sees their reaction. "You think I wouldn't design this thing to withstand lava? What kind of idiot do you think I am?"

"Are there different kinds?" Mikey questioned.

Donnie continues to drive the Tunneler into the city, and as they drive through, they see that it's deserted and very dark.

"Um, why are we traveling into the city and not to, say, Singapore?" Mikey asked.

"Because we made them a promise to help our friends, Mikey," Donnie reminds him. "And we're gonna to keep it." They drove in silence for a bit.

"They're out there," Raph speaks.

"Yeah, they're stalking us," Leo adds.

"Why don't they attack us already?" Raph asked.

"Cause they don't want the Tunneler," Mikey said gravely. "Just the chewy snacks inside!"

Donnie stops the machine in front of an entrance. "Guys, don't worry, I packed us a little something for emergencies," He presses a button and the top of the seats detaches itself. "Our seat backs detach to become tech pack units, high tech weapons, and survival gear. And by the looks of this place, we're gonna need them."

Donnie turns to Yuuki, Mona and Venus "It would probably be best if you stay close to us." He explained. "We don't know what's lurking out there."

"Excuse me," Mikey calls out as he was the last one to exit. "Why are we getting out of the nice, safe, heavily armored vehicle?"

"Cause I need to find more crystals," Donnie said.

 "Don't worry, Mikey, it's gonna be a piece of cake," Raph reassures him, then they hear growling noises somewhere in the city.

"Yeah, except we're the cake!," Mikey exclaimed as they all rushed inside of the entrance.

Soon, they walk into a room where some people where frozen.

Raph walks up to the Entity "You still here? Yo buddy, that bus ain't coming,"

Donnie walks over and reaches for the crystal on the panel "The Entity's amulet seems to be the only crystal we've seen," The crystal begins to glow slightly. "It's a start, I guess, but I need more."

A noise is heard in the room and they look to see a door open all by itself. They walk in and see dozens of more people frozen in the room.

"What is this place?" Leo questioned as they look around.

"This is getting too creepy." Yuuki chimed in.

"Just what we need," Mikey said, nervously. "More creepy bald guys."

"Why do I get the feeling Mr. Sole Survivor didn't exactly tell us the whole story about his extinct race?" Donnie asked. A loud hiss is heard right near them.

"Heads up, guys," Raph said as they look towards the doorway and see a shadow coming their way. "We got company."

Donnie holds up the crystal and the door closes before the figure could make it. But it doesn't stop it from throwing itself at the door to get in. The turtles draw their weapons, including Yuuki while Venus and Mona get into a fighting stance. Suddenly the door begins to melt and they are surprised to see that it's Quarry that bursts through the door.

"Quarry," Mikey sighs in relief as they lower their weapons, except Yuuki who still held hers up. "Am I glad to see you!"

"Mikey, look out!" Yuuki shouted as she pushed him out of the way when Quarry shoots acid out from her mouth. It nearly misses them by an inch, and instead, melts the floor where Mikey once had stood. "Too bad the feeling ain't mutual." Raph murmurs. Quarry hisses as she advances towards them.

"What's up with her?" Raph questioned. "It's like she doesn't remember us at all."

"That's because I don't think she does." Leo said and Quarry hisses at them again.

"Raph!" Donnie calls out. "Your tech pack!"

Raph presses a button and the tech pack shoots out purple lasers just as Quarry was about to jump on them, sending her flying back.

"Don't worry," Donnie explained. "She's just stunned."

"Not for long!" Mikey exclaimed as she starts to stand up, to strike again.

"Keep her busy," Donnie said as he removes his pack. "I'm gonna try the antidote serum on her."

"Guys," Leo said. "Tech packs only."

Quarry charges at Mikey and he lets out a girly scream. He presses a button, shooting a net at her. It captures her for a moment but she uses her acid spit to break free. Mikey continues to shoot a barrage of nets at her until he eventually runs out.

"Nets, I'm all out of nuts!" Mikey said incorrectly and then corrects himself "I mean, nuts, I'm all out of nets!" He panicked.

"Relax goofball," Raph replied as he stands beside him and shoots a purple laser at Quarry then jumps on her. "Donnie, any day now with that cure thingy!" Donnie frantically tries to prepare the serum as the others continues to try and hold off Quarry. "Come on, come on." Quarry throws Raph off of her and rips the net open. Donnie pulls out the cure.

"Quarry, wait, it's me, Mikey!" Mikey said as Quarry approaches him. "Don't you know me?" Quarry stops and looks at him. "We're your friends, try to remember!" Quarry stares at him for a moment as if she remembers something then she turns feral again and picks Mikey up.

"Quarry, stop it!" Donnie shouted as he runs over to her and injects her with the serum. Quarry starts to wobble a bit before she drops Mikey and falls to the ground. The turtles immediately cover their eyes as she turns back into a human.

Quarry looks up at them "You came back, I knew you would."

"I can't thank you enough," Quarry finishes as she finishes dressing herself and walks to stand in front of the turtles, Yuuki, Venus and Mona. "You came back with a cure. It's unbelievable!"

"Our little Donnie's full of all kinds of ideas," Raph said.

"Quarry," Donnie speaks. "What happened to the-"

"My real name is Sydney."

"Oh, sorry. Sydney, what happened to the Crystal Moon?"

"The Crystal Moon, it's all our fault. We were getting stir crazy being trapped down here, so we tried to find a cure for ourselves. We used up a lot of the crystals, but it was hopeless. We thought perhaps a larger piece of crystal might work, so we turned to the Crystal Moon. With the help of some explosive geodes we discovered in a chamber in the underground city, we had hoped to break off a sizable piece of the moon. But the geodes were more powerful than we realized. The entire Crystal Moon fell from the cavern ceiling and sank beneath the molten lava. Without the moon's regenerative power, we instantly reverted back into monsters. Savage, mindless, fighting among ourselves, lashing out at everything that moved. But now that you've cured me, you can cure all of us, we can all go home!"

"Yeah, except for one little problem," Donnie said. "I only had enough crystals to make one vial of serum, never expected to find a shortage of crystals down here."

"With the Crystal moon gone, all the crystals are dead."

"We have to raise the Crystal Moon from the lava and bring back the energy source."

"What're you talking about?" Mikey questioned. "That thing must have melted away to nothing in that lava."

"Not necessarily. The crystals are almost indestructible. They don't liquefy from heat, they liquefy from sonic vibrations," Donnie explained.

"Well, if its down there, let's get it back up, where it can do some good." Leo said.

"Yeah, Donnie, you're on a roll, today," Raph replied. "Anymore bright ideas? We're gonna need one."

"Well we could try to use the crystal cable from the old underground tram, secure one end to tram tower and the other end around a large sturdy rock ledge, thus rigging a giant size variation of the old block and tackle. The ledge should provide us with a good angle for optimal leverage, then I'll take the Turtle Tunneler down into the lava to hook the cable to the Crystal Moon. We can use the explosive geodes Sydney discovered to dislodge the tram tower from it's location and topple it over. We'll be cutting it close, but it just might work."

"Just one question," Mikey calls out. "Who came up with this plan? Wackos-R-Us?"

"It is a little unorthodox, but it'll work...I hope." Donnie said.

They carry out the plan and Donnie and Sydney hopped into the Tunneler.

"Sydney, you don't have to do this."  Donnie said as she closes the door.

"Yes, I do," Sydney argues. " The only one who knows where the Crystal Moon went down."

Donnie starts up the vehicle. "Let's do this quickly. I don't know long the heat shields will hold."

He drives into the lava and sinks it down to the bottom.

Back with the others, they are placing geodes around the tower. 

"Explosives are in place," Leo informed

"Now all we got to do is sit back and wait for Donnie's signal," Raph said. Suddenly, they hear a roar and Leo turns on his spotlights, showing monsters are starting to surround them from above.

"Or we could keep busy by fighting for our lives!" Mikey exclaimed as the monsters jump down, closing in on them.

"Donnie, we got company up here." Leo calls.

"Stall them," Donnie said as they continued to drive. "But try not to hurt them."

"Hurt them?" Mikey questioned, and jumps out of the way when one of the monsters tries to attack him.

"Easier said than done." Yuuki retorted. A monster lunges at her and she quickly jumps out of the way. Venus jumps on top and and hits a pressure point. It falls to the ground unable to move.

"Remind me never to make you angry." Yuuki said.

Leo uses a grappling hook in the tech pack and is pulled out of the way when two monsters are coming from him. Mikey leads two monsters to a higher point in the city. "Come on you big uglies, follow the leader!"

Donnie and Sydney are still driving around beneath the lave until Sydney spots the Crystal Moon.

"We found it," She tells him.

"The Crystal Moon,"

"Good, keep an eye on the heat shields, they're starting to go," Donnie said.

Back on the surface, Leo is still using his grappling hook to evade the monsters while Raph uses the stun lasers on two bigger monsters. Mikey continues to run from the monsters behind him until he comes to an dead end. Leo drops in.

"Though you could use a lift, Mikey," Leo said as he pulls himself and Mikey out of the way just as the monsters attacks. Donnie and Sydney are now heading towards the Crystal Moon.

"Heat shields are down to fifty percent," Sydney informs as she starts to sweat from the heat. "Structural breach in two minutes, we have to pick up the pace!"

"Almost there!" Donnie said, sweating as well.

A monster approaches Raph and picks him up destroying his tech pack. Mona rushed over to help him. Another monster, slams Mikey against the wall.

"Donny, hurry!" Leo calls as he runs from two monsters. "I don't know how much longer we can keep this up!"

He picks up Yuuki and jumps off the ledge and presses the button that shoots out the grappling hook. He swings down to Mikey and Raph, Mona and Venus, kicking the rock monster before it got closer to them. "Coming through!"

"Guys, look out!" Leo shouted when he sees the spider monster crawling down the wall.

Before they could run, the spider monster shoots out its webbing and captures the six of them.

In the lava, Donnie is tying the cables around the Crystal Moon.

"Crystal Moon is nearly secure," Donnie said.

"Heat shield are almost gone," Sydney informs. "We've got thirty seconds before were cooked."

"I just have to lock off the cable!" Donnie tries to do that, but it misses.

"Him and his big ideas!" Mikey complains as they struggle against the restraints and the monster begin to close in on them. "Come on guys, let's go down to the underground city, we'll have some laughs, we'll get eaten!"

Back in the Turtle Tunneler, it's growing hotter and everything is sparking from heat overload.

"Heat shields are down to ten percent," Sydney groans. "We're not going to make it."

Determined, Donnie tries again to hook the cable. It finally latches itself.

"Yes! Guys, go now!"

"We're kinda tied up right now," Mikey retorted.

"If I could just reach my-" Leo cuts himself free. "We're on it!" He said as he cuts Mikey and Raph out of the webbing then turns to Yuuki and cuts her out. "Cutting it a little close, aren't you?" She asked. 

Raph gets Venus and Mona out of the webbing as well.

Mikey uses his cable and makes it to the tower and setting off the explosives.

The tower falls and as it does, it pulls the cable with it and the Crystal Moon rises out of the lava, brightening up the cavern. And with the light, the regenerative energy turns the monsters back to the their human form. The turtles cheer.

"Don, you did it," Leo said. But there was no answer on the other end, "Don, Sydney, can you hear me?" Leo tries again, no response.

Venus felt her heart stopped. No it can't be. He can't be...

She immediately runs to the shore of the lava pit. The others following. There was nothing there. Venus shakes her head with disbelief. "No." She felt like she wanted to scream but she couldn't. Her heart felt like it was beginning to clamp up in a vice. He couldn't be gone. Her eyes began to tear up. She slumps to the ground and began to beat it frantically "Damn you, Donatello!" She wailed.

Yuuki runs over to her to comfort her.

"Uh, they didn't...they didn't make it." Mikey said sadly.

They hear a bubbling noise and they see the Turtle Tunneler bursting out of the lava. Everyone cheers in relief. Donnie, and Sydney soon step out.

 They all rushed over to them. Donnie was met with arms being thrown around him as he was pulled into a tight hug.

 He looked down to see Venus burying her face into his plastron. When she finally looked up, he saw tears beginning to flow down her cheeks.

"I didn't mean to make you cry. Please stop." He said nervously as he wipes the tears off from her .

"I forgive you! Don't ever do that to me again!" Venus cries. Donnie wraps his arms around her hugging her.  

Donnie works on the serum and gives everyone the cure. And their all cured, they bring them back to the surface.

"This is it, guys," Donnie said as he helps Sydney out of the sewer. "Daylight again."

They all gasp in amazement at seeing the sunrise and Donnie sees Sydney crying a little. "What's wrong?"

"I...," Sydney starts as she continues to look up at the sky "I'd forgotten how beautiful it was. Thank you, from all of us, we owe you our lives."

They all walk away, relived to be free from the underground. Donnie waves at them.

"Come on," Leo said. "Let's go home." Donnie is the last one in and Mikey pops his head up

"Donnie, you may be a pain in the shell, but I'm proud that you're my bro."

Callie Reviews: TMNT 2012 Season One (Part One)

Ever since 1984, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise has gone form a cult-status indie comic to a massive mass market. There have been various comics, movies, video games, merchandise, and of course cartoons. And it’s easy to see why. TMNT’s concept, a group of mutated teen turtles fighting evil in New York, is both incredibly bizarre and incredibly appealing to a mass audience. You have action, science fiction, martial arts, and of course plenty of mutant ideas to make toys out of. The fact that this Fall will be releasing the fourth animated TMNT series and that a new movie series is in production shows that even over 30 years later, this is a franchise that is far from losing it’s power.

As a kid, I of course knew that Turtles as a thing and I even watch parts of 2k3. But I was never really a fan until the day I stumbled upon the 2012 show. I fell in love with it and, since it started when I was just starting this blog, it was a huge focus for me for several years. I have since moved on and while I’m going to check out the 2018 show, I don’t think I’m going to be as crazy as I was with this show (but never say never). Back in 2012, I was someone who... lets say ignored the flaws and defended the show far too passive aggressively to the point that looking at my older stuff makes me want to blow up by blog. 

Nowadays, while some of my opinions hold true (like the ‘Donnie is a stalker’ accusations are still bullshit), I am more willing to admit the shows problems, especially now that I can take the show in fully. I also like to believe that I’ve become a better reviewer since I was 19 years old, plus it had been far too long since I went back over the show form the very beginning. So does the show still hold up? Will 25 year old Callie feel differently than 19 year old Callie did? Well we’re about to find out. This is the TMNT 2012 Season One Review!

The Premiere (Episodes 1-2)

Our story begins with a training sequence that introduces us to the titular Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello, and Michelangelo. Along with some minor character establishment, like Mikey being the funny one and Raph the violent one, the biggest thing here is one of the shows strengths: the choreography. It’s best exhibited in Leo and Raph’s duel. The movements are very fluid and well-paced. It’s fast, but not too fast, it’s enough to move things along but still let you take in all the impacts. It’s very well done. Raph ends up winning and we are introduce to the boys mentor and father, Master Splinter. Aka, the best written character int he show, but we’ll get to that later.

After the opening theme, we cut to the boys 15th Mutation Day where we get our backstory. Borrowing from the 80′s show origin, Splinter was once a young man named Hamato Yoshi. He had just bought four pet turtles when he stumbled across a shady dealing. Being a ninja master, he was able to fight back, but he ended up getting splattered with a strange green substance. This turned him into a rat, as one brushed his ankle while the baby Turtles become anthropomorphic. Yoshi, taking on the name Splinter, fled to the sewers and raised the four turtles as his own as well as taught them ninjutsu. It’s a simple, but still solid telling of the origin that pays tribute to previous origins, leaves some mystery about the substance and who was dealing it, and is told with use of comic-style panels reminiscent of the original comics.

The Turtles, having lived in the sewers since their mutation, are hoping to convince Splinter to let them finally go to the surface. After some begging, Splinter reluctantly agrees. We then cut to Leo watching a Star Trek: The Animated Series parody where we learn of his desire to become a great hero and leader. This is interesting for several reasons. One, it establishes that Leo isn’t the leader of the group yet, a departure form normal as he’s normally put into that role automatically. And second, ti does a great job at character establishment. In previous versions, Leo is often seen as the boring, overly leader type. Not a bad character mind you, but he lacks the quirkiness that the tough Raph, genius Donnie, and wild child Mikey present. Here? Leo is shown to be an idealistic, naive, but good-intention kid who aspires to be a great hero like he sees on TV as well as give shim some dorky characteristics, like quoting cheesy one-liners to sound more heroic. It helps make him more relateable, funny, and sets up a character arc for when he does inevitably become the leader. Very well done.

The boys finally go to the surface, and are in awe of what they see. They even discover their trademark favorite food, pizza. Given that they only ever ate worms and algae until this point, it makes their love of it all the more understandable. But not all goes well as they soon witness a group of business men kidnapping a red-haired teenager and her father. They attempt to help, but end up only beating each other up and the bad guys get away with their captives. Mikey ends up beating up one and discovers... a brain with tentacles... yipe... he tries to tell the other three, but they don’t believe him. A common trend in the show.

Upon returning home, the boys try to blame each other for the failure before Splinter accepts it for not giving them proper training as a team. While he considers keeping them down below for another year, Donnie convinces him to let them go help the girl due to seeing how terrified she was and how they failed to help her... and because of the crush he developed in a record five seconds. Splinter agrees, but first assigns Leo as the official leader, much to the ire of Raph. They’re eventually able to find the kidnappers vehicle and wreck it, capturing the driver named Snake and they discover a vat of a glowing green substance. A vat that they recognize as the same one that caused their original mutation.

Snake, after Raph threatens to mutate him, leads the boys to the facility where the captives are... and uses the boys bickering as a chance to escape. Leo uses this to trick the crook into thinking that they’re going to plow his van into the place as he conducts a plan to sneak in. All while Roah is an asshole who refuses to listen and outright undermines Leo’s orders. Yeah, Raph is a real jerk during this season. FYI. When Leo shows hesitance about his plan, Splinter tells him of his final confrontation against his rival Oroku Saki, aka The Shredder. It ended in his wife being killed, his house burning down, and his infant daughter nowhere to be found. Well, that won’t be important in any way, shape, or form later! The point being that he lost everything, but gained the boys, easing Leo’s worries about how much is riding on the plan.

So yeah the boys crash the van, Snake gets mutated, the boys break in, fight some guards, and Mikey proves that he isn’t crazy about the aliens.. and then trips an alarm. Smooth Mikey, smooth. They find the captives, that being this version of April O’Neil and her scientist father. Now in most versions, April is an adult woman. Here? She is aged down and is around sixteen years old. We’ll talk more about that later. The bad guys, aka The Kraang, take the captives away and as the boys give chase,t hey are confronted by the mutant Snake... who is a weed monster. Hey, that’s breaking supervillain rules writers! If you have an evil sounding name, that’s what you turn into! Donnie is sent to rescue the O’Neil’s as the other three face Snakeweed... Mikey’s idea, not mine.

The boys eventually defeat Snake via Leo’s direction and mass electrocution while Donnie is able to rescue April, but her father is taken away. April plans to find him however, no matter what it takes with the boys promising to help in whatever way they can. Once home, Leo finds out the complex reasoning for why he was named the leader over everyone else... because he asked. Ming-boggling, right? Well there is actually another reason, but we’ll talk about this in S4. The boys also made the news as their shruriken got found, but come on, what could one tiny news story do that would be bad? Well... being seen by your master’s worst enemy and re-igniting his lust for vengeance might count! Woopsie!

Overall, a solid two parter. It establishes the characters well, has fun fight scenes, the animation is a little dated now but still pretty good, the dialogue is funny, and it does a good job setting up future plotlines while fulfilling it’s own plot. It started 2k12 off on the right foot and was still enjoyable over five years since it’s initial premiere.

The Beginning (Episodes 3-8)

The episodes following the premiere create a steady flow of creating the status quo. You have episodes like Turtle Temper, Metalhead, and Monkey Brains (kinda) that have the boys dealing with the Kraang’s Plan of the Week as they continue their mutagen experiments. It helps with character development and some minor plot progression, such as Raph learning how dangerous his anger can be and Donnie learning to rely on his instincts rather than on his mind 100% of the time. Some are going to want me to comment on the shipping stuff, But I’m gonna save that for later. The biggest issue with these episodes, aside from Monkey Brains, is the Kraang. They are not interesting as villains at all. As great a VA as Nolan North is, the Kraang’s way of talking just gets... annoying. It doesn't help that the threat ultimately becomes either an accidental mutant or Donnie’s robot... well okay a Kraang possessed the later, but it shows that those are more interesting villains than the Kraang themselves and they exist mroe to just have an excuse for a plot. It’s really irking after awhile.

As far as plot goes, it’s mostly your usual ‘Monster of the Week’ stuff. But it has some small things that have a larger impact later. For one, in Monkey Brains, April begins to tap into what looks like some strong emphatic abilities. More on this next season. But due to this, Splinter decides to take April on as a student and train her to be a kunoichi (a female ninja). This will be the largest part of her character for the remainder of the series. April herself... is not utilized as well as she could have been in these early episodes. She’s described as the boys guide to the outside world, and she does serve that in some respects. For example, introducing Mikey to social media in New Friend, Old Enemy to let him make friends without exposing his mutant identity. And in Never Say Xever she takes them to a blind man’s shop so that they can actually experience life topside for once. The issue is we never see April establish bonds with the boys or Splinter after her introduction. In New Friend, Old Enemy she just acts like she’s been friends with the guys for awhile and after showing Mikey the net, doesn’t appear or is even mentioned in the episode again. She disappears after her importance in Metalhead as well, but she is given mroe to work with there at least. I glossed over this when I was watching the show and April does get mroe time with the guys, her relationship with Splinter being one of my favorites. Still, they didn’t do a lot with having April become part of the group or really act on her role as their ‘guide’ and I feel they just wanted to ignore it to get to the other stuff. Which is just a bummer.

So you’re probably wondering about Shredder stuff, right? Well thankfully the Foot Episodes are also the most plot relevant episodes. It starts with New Friend, Old Enemy where Shredder arrives in New York and assigns one of his lieutenants, a famous martial artist named Chris Bradford, to find out about Splinter. The Foot end up encountering the Turtles, with Bradford later using this to manipulate Mikey after accidentally becoming online friends with him. He captures him and use shim as bait to lure out the other three and then follow them to where Splinter is hiding. It fails with the boys using their knowledge of the sewers to literally wash Bradford and his partner, Xever, away. Along with the dangers of meeting people you don’t really know on social media, the episode presents a very unique lesson. In a fight for your life, screw fairness, You fight by any means necessary to stay alive, including fighting dirty. Most shows emphasize on being fair, but this one actually acknowledges that if your life is on the line, you do what it takes to get out alive. It’s a unique message for a kids show and one that I really appreciate.

Next is Never Say Xever where Xever gets to lead the charge. After the boys track down the two and get beat up, Xever receives inlet from the Purple Dragons, who int his version are pretty much a trio of teen thugs. The Turtles fought them off earlier at the shop April took them to, with Leo sparing the leader as an act of mercy. Something that Raph takes umbridge with... as he does with most anything that Leo does in the first half of the series. It’s no surprise that Leo and Raph butt heads, as they do in most series, and it follows their respective arcs. Leo having to deal with being leader as well as realizing that it’s much more pressuring and unforgiving than he thought, while Raph act son his jealousy that Leo got the position even though he’s the better fighter and therefore questioning Leo’s orders or outright just being an asshole for no good reason. But after the shop owner is kidnapped to lure the Turtles out, Leo’s act of mercy ends up saving them as the lead Dragon repays the favor by throwing him back his discarded sword. Which Leo uses to break a water tower to wash the bad guys away again. Angered, The Shredder decides to handle the Turtles himself.

The episodes do a good job in establishing a solid status quo. Bad guy does a thing, one character has their B-Plot to deal with, there’s a clash, the plots intertwine, bad guy gets defeated, and the lesson of the day is learned. A simple routine, but it works here. Plus we get plenty of character establishment and moments which makes you care about them. For example even though Raph is a massive jerk, the end of New Friend, Old Enemy has his comfort Mikey after the deceit and have him see that he’s a good kid who simply got duped as anyone else would. With this being after Raph mocked him wanting to make friends throughout the episode, it helped show that he does have a caring side. Leo frequently has issues with being a leader, such as dealing with Raph and moments like in ITHNiBS where the guys outright refuse to listen to him when he tries to remind them that they’re grounded. Even Splinter has a lot of moments, being a stern but fair parental figure and wise mentor, but is also snarky as Hell. We also see hints to how much the past has affected him, like after April agrees to undergo kunoichi training and leaves the dojo, there’s just a brief moment where he looks down with a forlorn expression. As though wishing that he was telling this to his own MIA daughter. It’s so subtle, but it speaks volumes about his emotional state. 

The characters are ultimately what makes these episodes works and what I would say is the strongest part of the series. You are likely going to relate to or like someone from this show and their progression. But now that we have a fully formed status quo, it’s time to shake it up a little bit and have the Turtles experience their first hard dose of reality.

The Escalation (Epsidoes 9-13)

Episode 9 begins as a typical ‘Mutant of the Week’ plot with the guys trying to catch a pigeon mutant that was after April. But when they do, they discover that he was simply trying to deliver a message... from her father. The message warns her to get out of the city due to a mutagen bomb, but she refuses to leave without him. As such,t he Turtles... somehow... find where Mr. O’Neil is and try to save him. While they get him out of the cell and get the location of the bomb, Mr. O’Neil sacrifices himself when the Kraang outnumber them so that the boys can protect April. All while poor April can only watch, helpless to do anything. Ouch...

The Turtles can only go to where the bomb is to disarm it, but things get further complicated when Bradford and Xever attack, wanting payback from before. Fortunately Donnie disarms the bomb and the four corner the two, but Bradford refuse sot go down quietly and stabs the bomb, but all it does is mutate himself and Xever. But ti also washes them away.... again. I should also point out that this point,t he Turtles have gotten incredibly over-confident since they’ve beaten every bad guy so far, feeling unstoppable. So then... Shredder arrives. Yep. And he kicks their shells HARD. Liek he holds no punches, he easily over-powers all four of them and almost stabs Leo int he head. The only reason that they escape is Shredder getting distracted by his now mutated lieutenants. But the boys retreat, badly beaten up and completely demoralized.

The next episode focuses on the fallout. The four are mostly feeling better, but their fears are being escalated by, of all people, Splinter. This is due to the boys nearly getting killed by his long-time rival re-igniting his own trauma and having nightmares over losing them, causing him to again keep them in the sewers and be far more harsh with his training. The only one doing moderately well is April, who gets intel about the Foot planning to destroy the sewers. The Turtles try to stop it, but get pounded by Bradford, who is now a giant dog mutant named Dogpound. This forces April to get the inlet herself, but she gets caught an captured by the Foot. This further brings Leo down, but to his surprise Raph actually encourages him to pull himself together and lead the team. The Turtles manage to both save April and stop the Foot from destroying the sewers with Splinter apologizing for allowing his fears to affect both himself and his sons. Overall, a solid pair of episodes that bring the boys down a bit, finally has all the plots meet somewhere, and deliver a strong message about not letting fear control you or the others around you.

After a filler episode where the only importance is Shredder forcibly recruiting Stockman to his forces, we get some more Kraang stuff with Episode 12. Where we actually show them being dangerous. Shocker, right?! It also introduces us to long-time supporting character within the franchise  Leatherhead. Here he is an alligator mutant who the Kraang experimented on and it causes him to have violent fits of rage if he so much as hears the word ‘Kraang’. The Turtles end up saving him when the Kraang try to re-capture him, but find his angry bursts, well... dangerous. But Mikey is able to befriend him and it becomes more clear that LH is actually a rather intelligent, good-hearted mutant who has been put through Hell. He gets run off by Splinter though when one of his trauma-induced bursts causes him to attack the boys, forcing the rat master to intervene. Mikey, and by proxy the other three, give chase to an old subway car where LH reveals how the Kraang took him to their home, Dimension X, and experimented on him. He escaped and also took their Power Cell, cutting them off form Dimension X, in hopes of saving humanity from them. The Kraang want it back and act like a zombie swarm as they break through the car. LH fights them off, leaving the Power Cell in the Turtles care.

While Episode 11 sucks (to put it simply Leo and Raph are overbearing assholes while Donnie and Mikey are just made to be as weak as possible), the other three do a good job at making the villains more solid threats. Shredder was built up as intimidating and powerful, and boy did he deliver. The Turtles face their first major loss and have to deal with the fallout, Leo especially dealing with his first real failure as a leader. Even the Kraang come off as a scarier hivemind and we get mroe stuff on them, like Dimension X and their plans to mutate the Earth. Add that with a strong supporting character like Leatherhead, who is understandably traumatized but is an intelligent being who is trying to prevent others form suffering like him. and it helps make some strong episodes.

The first half of the season concludes with the 13th episodes... that aired as the 14th for some reason. But I’m going in order of my DVD’s and this was after Episode 12, so it’s what I’m going with. It both concludes a lot and opens up a lot for the future. The episode I am talking about is, of course New Girl in Town.

TBC in Part Two....

Your Moment of Zen: The Gourmet Academy’s Semi-Quotable 2020 Quotedown Quotetacular

The following blog entry are intended only for mature audiences. Reader discretion is strongly advised. Although it goes without saying about three quotes in, this is neither an incendiary nor defamatory tribute to the year past, although if someone were to put together such a “tribute”, I’d completely understand. Thank you. And enjoy the show. Because you helped make it.  Ladies and gentlemen and non-binary conforming life forms across seven star systems... the Gourmet Academy’s World Famous Get Down Like a Hound Party ‘til You Puke Semi-Quotable 2020 Quotedown Quotetacular begins in five... ... four... ... three... ... two... NOW. === “This video is dedicated to touching.” -Harry Styles “Welcome to America's last public gathering.” -Jenna Riedi, the host of Geek Bowl XIV “Daniel’s New Year’s Resolutions 1) say something so brilliant, so irrefutably mind-bogglingly wowful that it makes the Quote Wall 2) organize the basement.” -Daniel “Didn’t you used to be Bill Simmons?” -Greg channeling Justin Lollie “Something new? Shouldn’t be trying it but I’m d-e-d today.” -Carl “This could devolve into something amazing.” -Jeremy “Good feeling: a Patriots loss. Better feeling: a Patriots loss in the playoffs. Best feeling: a Patriots loss in the playoffs in Foxboro.” -Travis “You are the master of the swerve.” -Klaussie “There once was a man from Nantucket.” -Ethan “Neighbor and I both have our windows open, and I refuse to do one more thing tonight until I figure out which episode of “Cheers” she’s watching.” -Adam Nedeff “Is there anyway we can CGI Matt Lauer out and replace him with Christopher Plummer?” -Greg on Matt Lauer on SNL “What’s the favorite network of the 2017 Houston Astros? BUZZR!” -Klauss “Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, Lost her virginity to Tom Jones.” -Sara “That’s not unusual.” -Megan “Oh look, goats! (Whiff) Oh god, goats.” -Q “The Whiteface on the Joker poster is a pretty good representation on the Academy Award nominees this year.” -Gordon “If you spend your life with a paper bag over your head, do you also need to wear a mask?” -Kevin, on the Unknown Comic "He Gay - He Christmas in Macy's Window Gay" - Mercedeze - The Circle. “Spock is gonna slap your ass.” -Greg on Zach Quinto in “The Slap” “Smeargle!” -C “I’m at the Battle of Atlanta, usually I’M the one on fire.” -Greg as Time Traveling Rip Taylor “Sexual Game Show Chocolate.” -Cyndi’s nickname for Chico “He has exact change! What was I supposed to say.. No?!” -Q “WLTI has been brought to by the Tom Brady Laundry Service - when you need stuff to be washed and blown....you know where to go.” -JB “It’s like shitting in my hand and clapping.” -Q “Let’s do that GOAT.” -C “Does Q know you’re into bestiality?” -Chris • the subject: Jeopardy! The Greatest of All Time “In 2020 I’d like to set more things on fire.” -Megan “Tonight, William Shakespeare, Henry VIII, the sun god Ra, Archimedes, Rip Taylor, and Rudolph Valentino on the Loooooooove TARDIS.” -Greg as Ernie Anderson (hat tips to Mike & Chico). “Christmas Day: Email notifying me I don't need to come to the courthouse on Monday. Monday: Phone message notifying me not to come to the courthouse on Tuesday. Tuesday: Phone message notifying me not to come to the courthouse on Wednesday. Wednesday: Phone message notifying me not to come to the courthouse, period, because my week of service includes two holidays. For anyone who's never been called in for jury duty during a pandemic, I highly recommend the experience.” -Adam “This version of 2020 has a virus in it. Can I get it reinstalled?” -Catherine “Take care of y’all chicken.” -Marshawn Lynch“ No link, because (EXPLETIVE DELETED) that (EXPLETIVE DELETED).” -Joe “There’s the Wendy’s.” -C “Where where where where where?” -Q “There there there there there.” -C “The Houston Astros scandal has spilled into the world of game shows...evidence has surfaced that “Jeopardy!” contestants had wired buzzers at their podiums.” -Adam Nedeff “ "Having an English Accent in America is like having a 12" dick” -David, a contestant on Too Hot To Handle. “We are all Disney... and Disney is all of us.” -Kevin “Here comes this Donny Osmond-looking motherfucker.” -C “The coronavirus is the least dirty thing I’ve had in my hand. There’s not enough hand sanitizer in the world. That’s why I drink vodka.” -Michael "That bird just straight up moonwalked and died!" -Neumann “You think Jimmy Kimmel would buy the Walgreens brand?” -Q “I don’t make Jimmy Kimmel money!” -C “President Trump sent me a letter. I respond with fire.” -Kyle “Sense AND Sensibility? In this economy?!” -Liz “He committed the ultimate sin. He insulted the WWE in his promotion!” -Cyndi “Today was draggin’. It was very draggy. It was an episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race. It was so draggin’ that Wink Martindale encourages me to avoid it. I was watching Dragon Ball Z in the cockpit of the Dragonzord while playing Double Dragon with Don “The Dragon” Wilson and listening to Sisqo’s Unleash The Dragon. Somebody better call Emilia Clarke, because, uh.... dragon .... joke.” -C “Name a people that animals breed.” -Bressler “Put your Facebook balls away, Karen. It’s unbecoming.” -Cindy “Pizza is yes.” -Drago, Animal Crossing New Horizons “Prahstitute.” -Klauss • the password was “hookah” “It was a one-eyed one-horned flying purple Power Ranger.” -Gordon “I'm gonna start painting people yellow and send their asses to Springfield because I'm seeing a LOT of Simps, SON!” -Katie “Bill Belichick took the box on the display floor and got a couple of plush dolphins...would’ve had a new car behind curtain #2.” -Carl “Twenty-one seasons of winners and not one of those faces looked like mine. So when I walked through those doors, I had that desire, that determination to be that very first face to give hope to those behind me who have the desire to come in here and play this game. Not seeing a face that looks like mine is very discouraging, it’s hurtful and it does make me feel like maybe it’s impossible. But I’m wrong about that because it’s definitively possible. We can do it. It just hasn’t been done yet… I want to acknowledge every African American who has walked through those doors with the same desire to be that face that I have. I see you, I salute you and I appreciate you. You came in here, you knew the odds were against you, you knew it was going to be an uphill battle and you still fought and you fought like hell. For that, I love you, I admire you and I acknowledge you all today.” -Da’vonne, Big Brother “Waldo should find himself. I don’t have that kind of time.” -@FunnyOrDie “What we wanted was Cam Newton. What we got was Wayne Newton.” -Gordon, right before everyone broke out into “Danke Schön” “You can go ahead and put "Nuh-uh! Don't eat Jesus, you monster!" on the list of things I didn't think I'd have to yell today.” -Wingo “Not only is he a chicken magnate, he’s also a chick... magnet. Amirite?” -Klauss“ Please excuse me if I don't participate in the Dolly Parton Challenge, but I'd rather my wife didn't know that I have a Tinder account.” -Prof. O “The table has had enough of your shit.” -Brian “If you work hard enough I’m sure someday you’ll reach the top of the intelligence bell curve.” -Jess’ insult “Any squirrel can find a nut once. Let’s see you do it again.” -Q “This is the kind of chaotic horniness I’m here for.” -Megan “Behold the power of the fat guy touchdown.” -Cyndi “It’s the kind of peppermint candy that can give me natural 20s.” -Jenni “The wonders.... of weed.” -Mary “Metallic testicles.” -Jimmy Kimmel “Well, it's 65° again today. I ran 3.5 miles yesterday so I chose to walk 4 today. If next year it is not 65° on this day in February, I'm quitting Ohio.” -Wingo “I see the Incelabteilung spent a productive weekend.” -Rick Wilson “You know why the RTF head writer is now hosting? Because he's now eligible to join the Actors Guild, which means he'll have potential work when 1. RTF goes down in flames, 2. The WGA agreement goes down in flames. 3.A combination of 1. 2. and RTF keeps trying to convince us that King Kong should be worth 1,250 points per ticket.” -Gordon “Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to?” -Jessica “Of course any team could have had 14 players test positive for COVID three games into the season, but the fact that it’s an entire roster of Florida Man is just so obvious.” -Arianna “Anna Roisman is very much in love with her butt.” -C Phleb: Are you following me? Q: As if you’re cool enough to have a stalker. As IF you’re cool enough for that stalker to be me. “I’ve seen enough.” -JD “Okay Dave Wasserman.�� -C -subject: NLCS “Curse your sudden but inevitable colonization!” -Blue from episode 2 of the Overly Sarcastic Podcast “I haven't watched the Super Bowl halftime show, but from the online conversation today it is clear that people do not know just how many layers of costumage it takes to look "naked" onstage. #Showbiz” -Shannon “Adolf Titler and Areola Braun.” -Kim “I don't follow sports at all, but "And then Florida screwed it up for everyone" is the least surprising thing I could have seen in the news.” -Adam “If you think 2020 has been wild so far, wait until the dragons are released in the finale!” -Bruce Q: “I need a lighter.” Clerk: “Which one?” Q: “I don’t care. As long as it produces fire.” “Today we say a not fond farewell to Adobe Flash....we will NOT miss you very much." -Carl “It’s ridicarus. It’s so ridiculous, it flies in the face of normality until it melts on the wings of its own ridiculousness.” -C “I’d like to be proven wrong 99 times out of 100,000.” -Cyndi “The wenches of Watson.” -G’s nickname for the Chasers “Paula Deen. I don’t give a toss about the woman’s politics. But there’s one thing that we both agree on. MORE BUTTER!” -Q “Do you think you could be my Korean food mule?” -Jenni, to Chico re: Korean restaurants  “This is what I told you about Travis. You’ve got to stop eating buffalo wings before you go to bed this is going to keep happening!” -Brian “The NFL Draft Takes way too long. If I wanted to watch 32 picks in 3 hours, I’d watch Jameis Winston play.” -TyFo “I think I’d win this easily.” -Greg, on “Too Hot To Handle.” “Hit me daddy, I’ve been bad.” -Q “I haven’t been bad, but hit me anyway.” -C “I hope a million Dodger babies are made tonight and their mamas name them all MOOKIE.” -Arianna “That’s tackier than a Louis Vuitton purse from downtown LA.” -Kimberly “Defense wins championships, but offense sells soap.” -Nikki “It’s like there’s nothing good on Netflix anymore.” -Alex Alvarez (Marcel Ruiz) on the Pop premiere of One Day at a Time “Let’s see what this bitch can do.” -C

“Man we have now been quarantined for 60 full days. Stuck inside with nothing but our families and our devices, filled with fear and anxiety. And we still don’t want to watch Quibi.” - Mike Shields (@digitalshields) “I love Peanut Butter. I love Africa.” - Bill Walton "So in the last 3 days Tom Brady has violated social distancing guidelines and broken into somebody's house. The media laughs it off. It pays to be white." - Barry McCockiner “BREAKING: I have decided to follow @James_Holzhauer on Twitter, since he’s been following me on Jeopardy all week.” - Ken Jennings “I was debating who had a worse night in Vegas — Mike Bloomberg or Deontay Wilder. I thought it was Wilder but it wasn’t. He didn’t have to show up a week later and get his ass kicked all over again. #DemDebate2020” - Jelani Cobb “What in the name of God’s ass is on Linda Dano’s head?” - Quisla “My 13 year-old self with my hero in Nov '83, Boston, MA. According to local legend Mr. (Tom) Baker toured the  sites at Lexington, and then Concord, site of the “shot heard round the world;" he strode up to the first American he saw and said “Sorry about all that you know!”” - @petervintonjr​ “At long last, our 4-year national nightmare is over & @SteveKornacki can finally get some sleep.” - Mark Hamill “I think I just saw The Greatest American Hero be a complete and utter perv.” - Chico “Not gonna lie. I kinda wished they'd filmed the Chicago production of Hamilton so I could see Wayne Brady kill Lin-Manuel instead of Leslie.” - @RealLordDalek “Thanks Jon, when we come back Denise is gonna go for $30,000 and I want to find out, really, if you take half of my ass and you put it on my bald head, if it’s going to create new hair. We’ll find out about that after this. ……. more after this.” - Mike Francesa’s evil Earth 47 Half Brother Louie Francesa played by Klaussie before the MG-HSH Super Match “Rebooting The Santa Clause where instead of Tim Allen killing Santa Claus and becoming Santa Claus, Santa Claus kills Tim Allen and becomes Tim Allen” - Bridger Winegar “Ted Cruz is in another Twitter war with Mark Cuban. As a coach I was always looking for mismatches. If I could ever find a mismatch as great as Cuban over Cruz the game would be easy.” - Stan Van Gundy “Just turned on the XFL.Kicker missed a field goal and they immediately interviewed him on the sideline asking what happened haha. That’s tough.” - JJ Watt “Jeffrey Toobin gave a whole new meaning to the word “laptop.” - Gerard Mulligan “No matter how gloom things things get, there's always the future, even the United States of America used to have a future. They tried to us Americans the sky’s the limit, so we destroyed the sky. Where’s your limit now? Oh! burning with toxic poison? Suck that limit!” - Xavier: Renegade Angel “Everything good espn ever did was copied from the George Michael Sports Machine.” - @[email protected] “How is the @WWE not calling this #Wrestlemania36 In Your House?!?!” - Marty DeRosa “When people complain about "cancel culture," they very often mean: I want to live in a world in which there are abundant social and economic rewards for saying and doing certain (but not all!) controversial things, and no social and economic penalties for those same things.” - David Frum “Herb Abrams left this world doing what he loved. Cocaine and hookers." - Brian Blair “Rats.. and I was looking forward to the empty arena NBA Team Challenge Series.” - Lollie “Wow breaking: Jay Glazer is reporting that cleatus the FOX NFL robot has been arressted for double murder outside a Houston strip club. Details to come” - PFTCommenter “Michael Moore is the Michael Avenatti of Anthony Scaramuccis.” - @blackbeltbirder “Will you accept this ass?” -Jason “The Bears are two tight ends away from a firefighter calendar.” -Cyndi “Come on, Quis. Plating is 5 points.” -C “They say you should spend three months income on your wife’s engagement ring. I spent June July and August from the summer that I turned 13… But in my defense it was a wet summer and I mowed a lotta grass, that should count for something.” -Brian (ladies....) “You can’t fuck with Ed Lover.” -Greg “You thought that it was bad now? Wait 25 years. Today's children are tomorrow's leaders; and they will have been have been homeschooled by day drinkers. Let that sink in.” -Q “Doo wah didn’t didn’t, dumb didn’t do.” -Ian “So we were talking about why cereal was invented.” -C “Y’all stop showing me The Needle. I have a visceral reaction to The Needle.” -Anne “Five dollars on a Daily Double? What are you doing, buying a sandwich?” -Q “Sometimes I wonder... what made you think that style of facial hair works for you?” -Mary Jane “Everyone’s a critic.” -C after someone closed the blood bank door after blowing his nose “You raise your kids, you will spoil your grandchildren. You spoil your kids, you will raise your grandchildren.” -Nikki “You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.” -Joe’s son “Ctrl-F, am I right?” -Klauss “Mmm, mmm-mmm-mmm...” -Kim “I’ve been around enough mothers to know what THAT means.” -C “This is now the 5th straight night I've heard one man complain about another man's holes and balls. No one needs sloppy disorganized holes or balls. #pause.” -Gordon “You know... We grew up watching Kamen Rider & Super Sentai wanting to be masked heroes. Pretty sure this isn’t what I had in mind.” -D “Some of y’all have not been chased around the house by your sibling with a knife and it shows.” -Jenna “At least it wasn't real maple syrup. Based on the bottle and consistency it appears to be maple-flavoured sugar liquid spread.” -Dane, on Gritty drinking breakfast syrup “And who decides Lacey Chabert should be the voice of love? She was hardly the voice of Meg Griffin!” -C “That is one UGLY ASS FISH!” -Cat "CBD infused deep dish pizza now available at White Sox games." -Carl “Gordon Pepper You're a psychotic Macaulay Culkin? I fear and respect you.” -Dom “Now I don’t even have to leave my home to not watch a movie.” -Kevin, on HBOMax “Fuck your widgets.” -Klauss “I told Galileo to stop working on his telescope. He’s not fooling anyone!” -Greg as Time Traveling Rip Taylor “Chris Wallace failed so badly that Mike Wallace also failed, and he’s been dead eight years.” -Kevin “Yay for fat shaming.” -Amberlee “Philip Rivers: Miami Dolphin?” -Carl “I don’t have enough black leggings for this shit.” -Shannon “You ever have shrunken beef?” -G “Phrasing.” -Aaron “You put the brain in Vibranium.” -Matt Richards “Several flaws in his argument, most notably that while he is correct that the meat in boneless chicken wings doesn’t come from the wings, neither does it come from the “tender”. And chicken nuggets aren’t made from a chicken’s... um... nuggets. That said, it is Nebraska, and this is what happens in that God forsaken state when they cancel football.” -Kevin “I never got spanked. We were very good kids growing up. Dad threatened us a different way. He reminded us as he was a famous person if we screwed up we would see it on page 6 of the ny post.” -G “God’s perfect idiot.” -Ryan Reynolds “You can’t clean house with a filthy mop.” -Kevin "Four." -Course Manager Joe translating Sir Goph to the crowd at Holey Moley. “May (Tim Tebow’s) marriage last longer than Million Dollar Mile.” -C “They were so offended, they weren’t.” -G “Meanwhile I can't choose a fuck fish...” -Kimberly “I have questions.” -Bressler “Do not insult the good name of Bowzer, damn it!” -Greg “Hiya Barbie! No Ken. He’s sold separately and I’m cutting unnecessary spending.” -Eden as Barbie “I’ll be at the bench if you need me. Please don’t need me.” -C as David Tennant as Scrooge McDuck “Fayetteville gonna Fayetteville.” -Jordan “Why you gotta go make good employees angry? You think another decent phleb is just gonna pop out of nowhere like a State Farm agent? ... 🎵 Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there! 🎵 POOF!” -C “I like my men like I like my commuter car: silent.” -Robin “The fact that I had to put "Real Email -- Not Wingo SPAM" in an email subject line tells you a lot about how I comport myself with my colleagues.” -Wingo “Savage Question Song! Y’all fucking FUCKED UP! YOU FUCKED UP! YOU GOT IT WRONG! YOU ARE DUMB! No, I’m kidding, you’re not dumb. You fucked up, it happens. That’s life.” -Matt Richards “You know, bucatini. It’s like spaghetti... with goals.” -C “Love like you’re Jesus Christ. Wash your hands like you’re Pontius Pilate.” -Brian “Show me on the tackling dummy where the illegal touching happened.” -Nikki “Get cable. Discover Disney Junior. Muppet Babies. Weird. So weird. #NotMyMuppetBabies.” -Paul  “Take the swabs. Leave the cannoli.” -C “Facetyfacetyfacetyfaaaaaaaace!” -Nikki “If you win, you may smoke it. WHEN you lose, you must eat it. I don’t make the rules.” -Erskine “The internet discovers that Wendy Williams is a terrible person once a week.” -Adam “¡Carajo! Errbahurr!” -me, upon looking at a full parking lot “In these increasingly uncertain times, I want to be absolutely clear on something. I never *don't* want pizza. It is never a bad or inappropriate time for pizza. I will never, in any way, be displeased by receiving pizza. And, at no time in my life, will I ever say "no, that's fine, personally I don't want any pizza." I hope I have made myself clear.” -Brian “That’s a terrifying prospect. Goddamnit, I’m in.” -Kimberly “My dream from December 2020 involved a previous neighbor and his two-mouthed dog. Not two-headed, but two mouthed. Imagine a Doberman crossed with a Big Mac.” -Evil Travis “Sounds like SOMEONE is jealous of the awesome sex her witch friends are having, just saying. #StellaImmanuelOnlyDoesMissionary” -Shannon “Why does Ken Jennings get applause for his use of a buzzer during championship rounds but the Astros are vilified? That’s Double Jeopardy in more ways than one!” -Jess “That's Roman's new move...the Bowel Movement" -JB After Roman tips Corbin over in the potty during Royal Rumble “Smoke my weed.” -Kyle “Tomorrow on Personal Injury Court: "You destroyed my vagina!" Me: "Continue."” -Klauss “Vernon Valley/Action Park on line one.” -Gordon’s one-line review of “Cannonball” “There’s no substitute for good old fashioned know-how.” -Prof. O “So a coworker says she’s pro-gun, pro-God, pro-LEO, pro-Trump, pro-life and that all lives matter. I say to her, quoting Colin Firth, ‘I’m a Catholic whore who is currently enjoying congress out of wedlock with my black Jewish boyfriend who works at a military abortion clinic. So hail Satan, and have a lovely afternoon, madam.’ See? I can flex for rubes on social media, too.” -C “Boy. Smoke really let himself go.” -Caleb “SUPER MATCH on tonight’s MGHSH: ______ LOVER $1000: Red Hot $500: Lousy $250: Latin.... I’ve been called all these things. At the same time.” -C “BREAKING: Massachusetts Lottery names Tom Brady its spokesman for its new lotto game -- Pick 6.” -Doug “If music be the food of love, then umami is the food of food!” -Heather “We already have artificial intelligence in the announcers booth… His name is Joe Buck.” -Brian “I don’t have the time or the crayons to show you how you did that wrong.” -Q “Okay so about Herve Villechaize’s dick.” -Klauss “Sharon after two Proseccos is the funniest motherfucker alive.” -Matt Richards “There’s tired, and then there’s Disney tired. He’s worn out!” -Terrie “Who the fuck is Mickey Rooney?” -Greg’s older brother when he was 8 “Remember, exercise causes endorphins. Endorphins make you happy....” -Michael “And happy people don’t kill their husbands.” -everyone  “Peace, love, dope! Now get the hell out of my house!” -Evil Travis “My sister is being disgusted!” -Shannon’s sister “I already have my picks to replace Condfederacy monuments/statues and other members of the slave trade/colonialism. 1. Spock 2, Any Pokemon 3. Columbo (Specifically for Christopher Columbus) 4. The lead singer of GWAR 5. Dolly Parton” -Dane “Having said that, KEEP STAYING INSIDE. Let’s put this in easy terms: did you ever have a teacher say “If you’re good the entire week, we’ll watch a movie in class on Friday”? And when you made it to Thursday, everybody kind of had an eye on the dipshit in the class who was probably going to screw it up for everybody? Okay, right now, as far as COVID goes, it’s Thursday. Keep an eye on Adam. Or...I mean, whatever the kid’s name was in your class.” -Adam “I'm at the level of drunk where everything is HILARIOUS and I'm very pleased with myself... now I’m having a second drink and wearing this VERY NECESSARY hat.” -Arianna “May your 2020 be like ABC’s, shaky at first, but getting stronger.” -BB “A bunch of Goofuses and nary a Gallant.” -Ian “Hard and Stormy - the next pornhub film from Michael Avenatti.” -JB after Chico tried mistakenly to say “Dark and stormy” “With a name like Joe Exotic, expect more fingers than teeth.” -Chico re: Tiger King “I’d rather offend someone by showing up, by trying to understand and trying to care, than offend someone by not showing up, by refusing to understand and for appearing indifferent.” -Christina “If you feel the need to throw shade from behind an anonymous Twitter account... Don’t. Say it to my face or don’t say it at all. Don’t waste my time. It’s 2020. We’re not on here wasting people’s time. Stop it.” -Anne “His shake brings nobody to the yard.” -Jess re: HQreeper “Did Bill Cullen do Blockheads?” -Q “OH FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!” -C "I do normally have energy, but I did just win the Space Jam, so..." -Neumann “So watching the NFL Playoff game and my first thought is that I wonder how the Houston Astros were able to show the Texans how to steal all of the KC Chiefs' signals from their playbook.” -Gordon “Does anybody here have a dollar?” -C “No but I have a chicken!” -Q “You know what borders on insanity? Canada and Mexico.” -Chelsea’s friend Cathie “A 1 followed by 100 zeroes is known as a Googol. A 1 followed by 1,000 zeroes is known as the number of e-mails you will receive from 1-800-FLOWERS in the week leading up to Valentine's Day if you've ever bought even one bouquet in your life.” -Adam “I think I hate everything and everybody, so I’m going to get drunk on beer that’s been brewed in an old sheep carcass and then I’m going to stick my tiny penis in a dead dog I found in a ditch to make hate-babies or something because I am actually more stupid than mud.” -Alucard, impersonating Trevor Belmont, Castlevania “10/10 for entertainment and entry level gaming abilities. Gratuitous gore and endless ammunition. You will literally cry from laughing. Especially if you're as good at being bad at it as I am.” -Becca “I’m trying to eat better. After work today I’m going to have myself a nice salad. That’s right a nice Caprese salad with tomatoes and mozzarella cheese, and croutons… Well OK one crouton… One very large round crouton. Pizza. I’m going to order a pizza.” -Brian “Coming to theaters in January 2021: 2Jeopardy 2 GOAT.” -Evil Travis “You overthought it!” -Michael “You know me, Michael. Overthinking is kinda my thing.” -C “I had a baby.... in my king cake.” -Kathryn “hear me out: a cross between a heating pad AND a weighted blanket. *become* the hot pocket.” -Chelsea “Guessing both Foxes (New Fox & Disney) are catching onto the reality that Seth (MacFarlane) only has one idea, which he keeps trotting out in different disguises.” -Kevin “How’s your Wednesday?” -Wingo “Oh you know, places to go, people to see, lives to save, asses to cover. You know, a Wednesday!” -C “That’s why I don’t hold grudges, because I can’t remember shit.” -Joey “Brainvision has been brought to you by the Fire Me Please Sporting Division Showdown! Who will win? The Cleveland Browns? The Houston Astros? The NJ Devils? The NY KNicks? It will be fun to find out! That's the Fire Me Please Sporting Division SHowdown!” -Gordon  "I have sent a dick pic. I didnt mean to do it. Mom, I'm sorry.” -contestant on The Circle “You can make excuses or you can make game moves. Pick one!” -C “He who hesitates is sacked.” -Nikki on Tua “Merry Crimbo!... I mean, Merry Chrysler!... I mean...” -Statboy “Welcome to this edition of “Faith in Humanity”, brought to yo by Bleagh. 🤮” -Gordon “Ass trumps feet, count it.” -VRM “On the Season Finale of St. Patswhere, Chief Surgeon Brady suddenly realizes that time has caught up to him and can't accurately perform like he as done in years past. Director of Medicine Belichick talks to his staff and is irate that instead of researching Vrabel-Tannehillitis, they brought him documents on Bunglaria. He punishes them by making them work on back cases and organizing them by bacteria count. In the operating room, time is not on the side of the staff as the patient is also suffering from Henry Syndrome where he rushed for 182 yards and a touchdown. To further accentuate the problems, Belichick finds out that Vrabel-Tennehillitis eats up the time left in the patient, despite his efforts to make time stand still. With time running out, Brady tries to push through his decline and makes a dangerous surgical operation. Sadly, the operation would turn to be fatal for the patient as Brady slips and cuts through vital organs and the scalpal is intercepted by the heart. The patient dies on the table and leaving both Brady and Belichick wondering if they still have what it takes in this new era of medicine. Will our dynamic duo return? find out next season...on St. Patswhere.” -Cyndi “That looks nothing like Tom Villard.” -Mike, anytime someone mentions Chris “Captain America” Evans as “America’s ass” “Okay, no no no no stop halt quit it cease desist. I will sign off on an Anglicized live-action remake of Ranma 1/2 before I approve of this.” -me reacting to a Fresh Prince reboot “Welcome to the Absolutely Fucking Crazy Championship game! With your analysts Tom Brady and Lamar Jackson. Tom: “Hey Lamar, how come we’re not playing in this game?” Lamar: “Cause we suck, man!” • Carl “Politicians are temporary. Wu-Tang is forever.” -@PressedNC “Coffee is not meaningless. Coffee is everything.” -LiyaZee “in the grand scheme of things, aren't we ALL between a sex store and a crematorium?” -Chelsea “You can cancel the show. You can not. Cancel. The culture.” -Chico “Go be bitter elsewhere.” -Hannah “Happy holidays ... and you’re welcome.” -Wayne Brady.... after telling us he’s not wearing underwear. === May our collective 2021 not suck as much as this year did. Seriously, I tried to burn my calendar and it wouldn’t burn.  Anyway, here’s to 2021... Come together, just think of tomorrow.