5 Happy Things

09/12/2022

1. Slushies

2. Flavoured drinks in general

3. Kissing people on the cheek and on the forehead and on the back of their hands and just the physical act that means I love you clear as day

4. Toes

5. Human beings loving each other and wanting to be with each other

23. Were they sensitive at all? Were temper tantrums or crying spells frequent? 31. If your character is neurodivergent, is there any ways it interfered with their life that was noticeable to them? Were they aware of it?32. Were they picky eaters? Did they ever outgrow it?

childhood questions

ah...yeah. i don't know if i'd call it being sensitive, but i picked a lot of fights with paul when i got old enough to have opinions. haha. lot of screaming in that house.

i didn't have the words for it until i started talking to juno. i definitely have adhd, i might have autism, i haven't been to a doctor for either. i dropped out of highschool and i've never been able to keep a job for more than a few months. i just...get bored.

yeah. it's more like i grew into it. paul didn't give us any slack about eating what he gave us. what i will say is that he usually gave us what we wanted. if we wanted mcdonalds, we'd get mcdonalds. you didn't get anything else until you ate it, even if it was the next day or later, but you got what you asked for. i avoided textures and shit that bothered me without thinking about it. then i met juno, and i found out how much wearing gloves helps, and the noise cancelling headphones...i learned that what i'd already been doing, the sunglasses, were a sensory tool i'd already been using. i learned that i wasn't being a baby for hating the feeling of grease and i didn't have to muscle myself through it. it wasn't being brave or whatever, it was just hurting myself.

TBF - for the most part I wouldn't mind if someone portrayed a kid having a crush on their sitter or whatever, FOR the most part. They're kids. They don't know any better. Kids get innocent crushes outta nowhere all the time. Thing is, this innocent and cute thing turns into a MUCH different story when the OLDER one reciprocates and acts on, THAT is different, NOT innocent, and just icky (put lightly). You can do a typical "innocent crush" without it being gross, just don't be weird.

Yes, absolutely! This I understand. A child crush on a sitter or teacher is exactly what KND was originally trying to do with Hoagie a few times and it's understandable considering quite a few kids have this when they're young and eventually grow out of it. I have a few headcanons from older fandoms of this where it obviously just doesn't go anywhere because the kid matures and outgrows it.

Unfortunately, in this case the person actually ships them and attempted to justify it with "they only get together when they're older" which is something pedos use to justify predatory behavior very often. It's also really unfortunate because Hoagie would reasonably grow distasteful to Cree when older if we were being realistic. He is clearly body dysmorphic and feeling alone via various hints in the show, so the fact that Cree spends her time calling him fat, gross and outright acting like he's some sort of disease would eventually catch onto him and make him feel even WORSE, probably growing to hatred of her when older no matter if Cree changes or not as Hoagie is 10-12 in the show - a pretty key point in social development and self development. And of course, other characters do this- and that sucks. But when the other characters did it, that was out of poor writing. Cree was specifically written to be distasteful towards him, finding him to be so horrific in appearance JUST because of being fat that she'd act snarky about it.

YES, in a perfect world we'd forgive one another for past mistakes. But Cree was always supposed to be a villain. A villain with no logic. If she did have redemption, that wouldn't even mean anything. Any child who was made to feel otherworldly at such a key age would rarely ever allow themselves to forgive an act like that, or even associate with the person anymore to begin with. And that's only half of the problem with this "ship" as already stated before.

As uncomfortable as I was with the scenes involving Hoagie and Cree, I can understand the childish crush idea (they should've written it less weird though...). I think everyone, and I mean EVERYONE should just leave it at that. Hoagie never seemed to feel anything with Cree. It all was so clearly just a weird little act he put on out of childlike innocence. If anything, all he was doing was confusing the genuine feelings he had for Abby, for the fake and comedic feelings he had for Cree. No kid ACTUALLY flirts like that when they're in real love, lol. He's probably doing what all children do eventually, and that's mimicking what they see on TV. He saw a romcom once maybe, and is repeating stuff from it to Cree because of innocence.

day 3

hi journal.

im going to write today's entry as a letter to sophie. im a maid of honor for her wedding but after talking to jeanne today, i do really feel a lot more at peace having a straight convo with her. below is what i currently plan to say as it's been getting harder and harder to keep this "secret covered."

dear sophie,

hey girl! so, i want to preface this by saying youre allowed to react or decide to demote me or anything you want to do. that's your perogative.

um, i feel that we haven't been as close lately and a bit like we've been outgrowing each other for some time. i still value you a lot as a friend and enjoy talking about all our shared interests but ive been realizing that that isnt enough to fulfill me anymore. i think a part of me had always hoped or believed that if we just spend enough time together or being friends, our friendship would naturally deepen and we'd be able to get to a point where we're more freely vulnerable with one another and while we've had moments, that overall just never really happened. which is okay and i respect your boundaries and everything. im just realizing it's something that i really crave. and because of that, i dont feel as inclined to invest as much into our friendship anymore. im still totally cool hanging out and playing games every so often when possible but i think i need to find and cultivate a friendship that can fulfill me in this way.

i feel like thats a pretty good point to end on and allow her to respond. and if she responds asking why she cant just play that role for me and tries to point out how she already has, then i'd say:

i started thinking more seriously about this over the past month. i think the idea has been lingering in the back of my mind for a while but i never knew what words to put to my thoughts until more recently. but i feel that our hangouts were more mutual at one point but for a long time now, it feels as though i've been initiating our hangouts a lot more than you do. in general, i feel as though i reach out to you to check in and ask how youre doing and offer support and dont feel that reciprocated as much. i just feel like a back-up friend in your life and not actually very prioritized. like, if theres a last minute event, im a good person to ask to join. but to actually just hangout with, it doesnt really feel like a time is being allotted to spend with me. im the eternal +1 but not the actual invited 1.

im okay hanging out at your place and i started initiating for that a lot because youre such a homebody and i just chalked it up to if i want to hangout with sophie, it has to be at her home bc she wont have the energy to trek it over to me. but honestly, it does actually bother me that we rarely ever hangout at my place. it feels like im constantly making the trek to you but the effort isnt reciprocated. and i get some weeks are harder than others and you just really dont have the energy to travel and i get it. but we really only ever go to my place for our friendiversaries and thats kind of it.

i dont want our friendship to just depend on me.

in general, ive noticed a pattern over time and i just dont feel supported in the way i need by you many times. im okay volunteering information about my life sometimes but not all the time. the burden then always weighs on me. i just wanted to be asked how im doing. which you do do at times and i appreciate it every time. but, idk. it always feels a little... awkward? tense? weird? like even when i share honestly and vulnerably whats going on in my head at the given time, it doesnt feel like you actually really care. theres such minimal follow up in both in the moment and after the fact. no questions asking for more details or how to help me feel supported or check-ins on updates on the situation weeks later. it feels like you grabbed onto my sister's frustration over her trash bf and thats it.

and ive come to terms with the fact that maybe this is just your personality and thats fine. if you arent really the type to ask follow up questions or check in over time, thats perfectly okay! it's just, i think i need that in my life with someone i dedicate so much time and energy to.

again, im more than happy to continue to be your friend but maybe not "best friends"? we just arent that close anymore and i dont really see that changing anytime soon. im happy to still be a part of your wedding, if youll have me, but i also understand if this changes things.

i hope youre able to receive my intentions well.

thank you for listening and im sorry for everything.

jess oh

I'm 22 and I've met plenty of men and been in relationships but if I had to even think of one single man that I could potentially see myself being with (single OR in a relationship hypothetically speaking) I can't. I literally can't. I'm so scared I'll never find someone, or be satisfied..I'm scared I have high standards but also I can't force myself to like or be interested in guys. I just don't get it- why is it so difficult for me to even like someone enough to get to know them. Sometimes I'm envious of girls who are grieving or upset about being rejected because AT LEAST they were able to like someone enough to feel that way about them?! I feel like I'm looking for someone very particular and who will fit well with me... But that seems to be impossible. I don't want to WORK for there to be chemistry, I feel like I'm too young for that. I want it to be organic and effortless and that's rare to find (and when I do on the rare occasion, other things mean we won't be compatible anyway).

Hey. I can understand how you feel, more than you know. The thing I can say as someone who is 34 (yup, I'm pretty old) is that life is long, and life is weird. Some people meet their perfect partner at 15 or 18 or 20. But, in reality, the vast majority of us don't. Not only is our choice limited when we're that age, but we are still growing a lot, and so are our potential partners. And in reality, people often grow in different ways. At my age, the people who are still with their sweetheart from high school or college are a relative rarity - most relationships at that age are a great and fun learning experience that we outgrow. And plenty of them are awful because we are still learning how to date and who we need - for most people, that means a lot of relationships and learning along the way. A good friend and i were just joking recently that if we got married at like 20 we'd be SO divorced several times over, right now. Some of my friends met their life partner in their teens, but most didn't. Most people dated people in school or university or their 20s who just weren't a good enough match for them. Attraction and a few things in common aren't really enough, and people change. Most people my age are relieved that they didn't rush into marrying the people they dated at 20. I know that at your age it might well seem like everyone is paired up and happy - and I hope your friends might be the small chunk of people who really do find the right person at like 20. But you're all so young, and you have so much life ahead of you. You have so much time to meet lots of people. You also have time to do lots of great things and be all the people you want to be - which is as important as who you end up with. To be honest, I'm not sure I'd met anyone I'd have considered worth being with at 22, either. And that's OK - it doesn't make you broken. We all meet different people at different times in our life. There's no right way to engage with others. Some people fall in love easily, others really need time or friendship or getting to know others first. Some people are easygoing, others are very specific. I wouldn't say my own standards were unrealistic, but I'll be honest that I rarely found people I felt attracted to and wanted to date people - and when I did, it udually didn't work out. Which isn't unsurprising, because most things don't work out, and dating is no exception. But I get your disappointment - because if you rarely want something, and then it disintegrates when you do, it really sucks. I really feel what you mean when you envy your friends whose love life doesn't work out because at least they get to try - I remember having felt like that too, sometimes. My friends would be relating their relationship-ending-drama a couple of months into dating someone new, and it would feel hard given how rarely I even got that far. But it's all difficult - for them and for you. Dating just isn't usually easy - and it's only ever easy if it's working well. For me, it helped to up the numbers - hence online dating. Sure, you'll still meet lots of people you aren't interested in or compatible with, but if you make the effort to meet more people, it also increases the chance of meeting people who are on the right wavelength for you. At each stage of life, i recommend just being open to meeting people - not even necessarily romantically. And try not to add too much pressure for yourself. But it's OK if you don't want many people, because dating isn't about finding many, many people - it's about finding one person at a time who fits what you want and need. You might date 100 people before you meet somoene you can imagine a long term life with, or date 5, or date 1 and hit the jcakpot - that's just down to luck. I spent some time looking into the ace and aromantic spectrum to see where/if I fit 0 and I won't bore you because this isn't about me. Personally, I decided that labelling my exact space in the spectum was unimportant, but it helped me realise that it's OK - whether you fancy almost everyone or literally nobody.

You're not broken if you don't find someone or don't want anyone. It's OK if you fall in love lots or not at all. It might help you to look at the spectrum and see if it chimes with you, or it may not. I also think working on being who we want to be is more important than looking for someone else. I loved my life even before I met my partner. I had a kickass plan B and was fully happy at the idea of getting myself a little place, filling it with animals and art, having friends round and curating a wonderful little garden and trinket and game collection. I wasn't afraid of ending up alone because I envisaged a life that was exciting and filled with love even if I stayed single or end up single in my old age.

I can't stop thinking about an anon you got weeks ago about the anons best friend cutting them off because it reads exactly how my ex best friend would have thought about me telling her we can't be friends again. I'm sure anon isn't my ex bf but really the similarities are just so close I can't stop thinking abt it. It just bothers me so much because I cut off my ex bf because she got increasingly and increasingly distant during my first year at college which was the most isolated I ever felt bc none of my hs friends were talking to me other than her and then she suddenly wasn't and I was in the first serious relationship I'd ever been in, but it was toxic on both sides and I didn't have anyone I felt like I could talk to abt it. And I spent 6 months trying to get my best friend to hang out with me again but she literally only called to ask me to drive her to work and kept saying we'd hang out or call but never did. And then she said we couldn't be best friends "and needed a break" I just know that somehow even after all of that she thinks of herself as the only victim(not that I consider either of us a victim but I feel bad bc I know the whole situation hurt both of us). And it breaks my heart bc that I'm sure she thinks I hate her but I don't I still loved her and I always will in someway. But I realized that no matter how much I love someone if they hurt me continously and make me feel rejected I have a right to cut things off. I hope you don't mind this ask I just can't stop thinking about the anon and I keep having dreams about my ex best friend and I'm hoping if I send this to you it'll help me stop thinking about it in someway. Thank you if you do read this

Honestly i think we all need to realize that we have the right to end a relationship (of any kind) for any reason. They don't have to continuously hurt us or "earn" the separation. Sometimes, people simply outgrow each other and that's okay. I have lost/dropped contact with many people simply because we both moved onto different places in our lives, and that's okay! There's no animosity there or regret, only fond memories. I think we tend to hold onto relationships that no longer fulfill us in any way, simply because they used to be very dear. And that isn't a bad thing, but it's also not cruel or wrong to recognize that maybe you both got what you needed from the relationship and can now move on. I think i was kind of forced to internalize that at a young age because my family moved so much growing up, but while sometimes i wish i knew how past friends were doing, i have no big regrets about leaving those stages of my life behind. I hope one day you're able to look back on that person and that friendship and think about the good times fondly, without feeling any remorse or sadness about the ending. 💜

Personally for me, it’s not the wont they/will they thing with Maeve and Otis anymore, it’s the simple fact that I think they outgrow each other and seem to be in way different places as people and every time they are together they just don’t naturally flow, they feel stuck, tense. It doesn’t feel natural because even the dialogue between them this season felt like it came from the writers and not the characters themselves. Like they needed to convince us that they do actually work together. Not only do I think the writers took too much time in them coming together but their interactions felt short compared to the ones with their love interests. Season 2 got a pass but on season 3, they arguably had more natural interactions with Ruby and Isaac respectively. While Otis and Ruby were used mostly as a comedic relief I still think Otis feel more natural. The conflict between Maeve and Otis is exhausting, angst doesn’t work for everyone. And the thing about them is that we've known they’ll be endgame since season 1 so they don’t have an element of surprise, it’s just pure torture watching them and sadly they lost the spark and momentum.

so sorry about taking so long to reply but when i read this i had to really think about what you said before replying so forgive me for the lateness but i think you're so right about a lot of this! something about maeve x otis just doesn't click perfectly. it's not bad but the sparks just didn't fly quite as much as they did in the last two seasons. as you said, their interactions with their other partners felt more natural - especially that scene where maeve and isaac had sex in his home. that was such a beautifully done scene and it made me want to ship them both so bad. their chemistry was just so perfect and you can't deny it in that scene. i don't think i'll ever support ruby and otis after season 3, but even they had great chemistry, regardless of what happened between them. slow burn is really great, but i think what sex education missed out on is that this slow burn with maeve and otis was at the forefront for a lot of season 1, and then put to the side for season 2, so we semi lost interest. slow burn works best when it's hinted at, and not a big story that is clear as day. maeve and otis have been a big thing since the first episode, so them still not entirely being together to this day is just a bit annoying as audience members. and then as they are finally reaching that stage, right before it in comes this really great character who we already kind of like (ruby) and she is given well utilised screen time that made us fall in love with her, so it was hard for maeve and otis to compete with that when viewers - who hadn't seen these guys for almost two years - were given a fresh but familiar option to prefer. also season 3 really made otis and maeve appear as much more likeable when they were single/having intimate platonic relationships with aimee/eric. so i get why people are tiring of them as a couple, and the writers should have put more of a focus on motis than they did.

however, i'm not sure i agree with the outgrowing of each other bit, though. they're not exactly on the same wavelength, but are very close. they're both at equal levels of maturity, intelligence and at very similar levels of their journey, but are moving in slightly different paths. right now, maeve is clearly focused on her education, becoming an independent adult, learning to become more vulnerable with the people she loves and finding her (chosen) family. whereas otis is in a phase in his life where he's also gaining some independence and learning to be more vulnerable with his loved ones (particularly jean). i think the issue arises in that we've seen them be with two people (isaac and ruby) who brought out a different side to them we'd never seen before; ruby (unintentionally) gave otis some more confidence to assert himself whereas isaac allowed maeve to be more vulnerable. so when they got together, it was a weird experience for the viewers to see them suddenly be the people they've always been around each other, which is a more collected, whilst slightly anxious version of themselves (as they were still trying to see if the other felt the same as they did, just as they've been doing since season 1). so i wouldn't say they've outgrown each other, i just think they've just spent season 3 independently trying to grow into different people, so it just felt weird when they finally were together. they shouldn't have had such an awkward erc after 3x05. and the scene where otis and isaac were being immature during the elsie situation was such a big contrast to the really lovely maeve/isaac sex scene and the delightful humour ruby/otis had.

so basically what i'm saying is, if we were to just cut the maeve and otis scenes into one long episode, it would feel really great, it's just that when you pile in the scenes with ruby/isaac it just feels so different to the people they were with them (and in otis' case that's because he was trying so hard to impress her he simply couldn't be himself)

🔮Dream Snippet💤

This Evening: 'Karl Satan', featuring Misha Collins

My friend and I are avid metalheads. So much so, in fact, that we concluded that if we'd have known each other before our officially meeting in college, we would've led drastically different lives for the better. Our music tastes made us the quintessential outcasts throughout our childhood, in our differently placed yet all too similar environments of the unforgiving grammar school setting. And if we'd have been together, instead of rebelling alone? Hell. We would've been fucking merciless; scaring off all those who tried to subdue us with 'Slipknot'.

Luckily, we didn't miss each other entirely. It was she that managed to get tickets to our local Knotfest, and since then we've practically been inseparable. We have a whole list of other acts we NEED to see. Jinjer, Cherry Bombs, System of A Down... Killswitch Engage is one of the more recent ones added to the list.

And it keeps on building from there.

Blame the die-hard fan in me, but I even go so far as to dream of the concerts we'll see, and the bands that'll be headlining it. Very rarely is it ever as detailed with the opening number.

So you can only imagine my surprise when this little nightly fantasy in particular came in and dropped kick the bomb on me from up close instead of merely from up high.

Because as much as I love metal, Supernatural comes in at a very, very close second.

Onto the dream! That way you'll see what I mean.

My friend and I are already at the venue. We gave up the idea of seats and smuggled our way into the nearest pit where there was already a circle forming, whirling in rhythm to the revving up of the amps testing out the guitars. It had been years since I'd been in one. I jump in, just in time for the wave that comes our way. My friend decides to watch from the sidelines. To my chaotic, she is the zen. Even at a metal concert, where we both inevitably lose our shit, but in our own way.

Soon the tests of chords cease from the guitars, the rhythmic hits from each individual drum and symbol cut. That long drone of bassy silence fills the entire place with that unsaid but solid presence of a queue - someone's about to go on.

The crowd cheers. My friend and I - along with the whole circle pit - turn to look at the stage and do the same. Naturally. No matter who's up there, you cheer. It's a metal concert, for Satan's sake. More than likely, every fucking band is gonna knock your ass out. I haven't been proven wrong if that yet.

And I certainly wasn't in my dream.

The five souls that come walking across the stage are oh so gothically dressed, it warms my heart to it's original sad core. The drama in the abundance of buckles, glinting a brilliant gold in the overhead stage lights; then the overall theatricality of the fact that their whole theme just mirrors that of my favorite horror movie 'Hellraiser' and it's main antagonists, The Cenobites. I was ready. I was waiting, already wanting the onslaught of their sound that I just knew had to be fucking brutal. I mean look at the way they're dressed! We were in for it.

Oh, we were.

I was.

The one stopping in front of the mic had an elaborate coverall mask on, save for the bottom half of his face. And when he took it off to reveal the rest of it, everyone cried out in bloody shock and praise.

I just went quiet.

My friend yelled out for me the "holy SHIT" that was already on my lips and screeching in my head when the now unmasked figure introduced himself as none other than the angel in a trenchcoat. The man that plays him, that is.

Misha Collins

I couldn't tune out the world around me if I tried. I didn't want to. Not even if I was in absolute shock. I do not allow myself to fade off into some haze or other ethereal realm when it comes to events like this. I want to be there, in that moment; one that I made it all this way for. For all concerts generally. For metal concerts specifically.

I just need to be there. All there.

And man, in that moment, was I fucking glad I was.

After making himself known, Misha turns to the band and introduces them as 'Karl Satan'. I know there was a deeper joke in there, i just know it. But I was too busy laughing at the name alone to even dissect it any further. Frankly, so was the audience. Such a hearty chorus brought a smile to Misha's lips.

As he readied the mask to be put back on again, he made one final claim as himself to say that he formed this cover band to try his hand at "this music shtick", just like the rest of his cast mates from the show. Personally, I never had any doubt that he had something like this in his artillery; something akin to a band or music act. But like this? Hell no. Hell. No! Hence making it all the more lovely of a surprise.

With that, the mask went back on, and he sent a nod the drummers way before the lights faded out, leaving us in an anticipating darkness. Almost as quickly as it set in for us did it get fucking shot with the sharp bash of the symbols, joined by the aftershocks of the snares.

It's starting. Holy fuck, it's starting!

The rhythm was classic, dangerously revving up to what you could literally taste to be a sweet drop. Above all, it was familiar. My friend and I were in perfect sync with Misha, when through the mask he screamed through gnashed teeth:

"THE YEARS I PUT INTO THIS!!"

His leadership was seamless; effortless. Without question, you would believe that he had done this before. With the headbangs intertwined in the thrumming veins of both the percussive guitar riff and the drums, he would channel his power back and forth. First he would go, then the audience.

The circle pit was a whole world of it's own. No. It was a black hole, sucking in other fans who caught a glance at it, and soon as they did, wanted to join the fray. I even got my friend to come in and join me in the air, where they hoisted me up once the center of the circle started to disappear with the amount of people swallowing up all the empty space. We were floating orbs in this fanatic atmosphere. Two circulating asteroids in the midst of a hailstorm of meteors, heading straight for the center our universe - the stage.

It was fucking AMAZING.

And so utterly filled with Misha-esque quips of humor and theatricality, making it feel all the more REAL. For example, as the opening number progressed, he would add little bits of harsh criticism of his own voice and caliber of scream. Then after the next song, he would transition with a story on how he auditioned to play a demon for Supernatural in the first place, and has since taken the rejection hard. "Can you tell? I started singing about it! Singing? Screaming? You get the idea. Yeah, you get it. I know you do". He then laughs suddenly, throwing his head back. He brings the mic up to follow that of his mouth, facing skyward. "Wait, wait! How shitty would it be if I would've actually gotten that fucking role if I'd have just done THIS?! Just SCREAM AT THEM?!" Like second nature does his Castiel voice come out. He even took of the mask again so that he could throw on the whole audience that quintessential doe eyed gaze of the angel's, complete with the head tilt. "Would you call me an angel then, Dean?" His own guffaw, bringing Misha back. "There you go. That's how Cas got his voice. He kept screaming into the void *Castiel voice* and came back out with this... As for the others, I can't speak for them. They wanna speak two octaves below their normal voice, who am I to say anything? Trick question. I'm the one who can't say anything because I'm too busy getting a sore throat all the time. Thanks, Cas. Love you, too. That bitch".

Forget what I said. AMAZING doesn't cut it. It was fucking GOLD.

And above all, it was a fucking DREAM.

I woke up eventually, and here I am three or so days later writing about it, still reeling from it.

I have only to conclude that the two things that make me happy are what seems to be a mirror with it's two sides, representing one thing in the reflection: the one thing that made me happy back then, and the one that makes me happy now.

I thought I had to outgrow one. Just like I think currently that I'll soon have to outgrow the other.

But do I? Do I really?

They go so well together.

Perhaps the real question is, what if they both don't wanna leave?

James & Ava

James: Good morning, how are you? Ava: 😊 All the 🌞 for hearing from you Ava: how are you, James? James: I'm happy to hear that James: meanwhile I'm busy, but unfortunately not solely with hours dedicated to missing you, which is in itself dangerously close to a regret Ava: I know what you mean Ava: the universe doesn't allow nearly enough opportunities for pining at open windows or reflective musing whilst staring into bodies of water, or mirrors, depending on the mood Ava: impressive you can think up any beautiful words in such circumstances Ava: what are you busy with? James: I can't remember the last time I looked into a reflective surface that wasn't a kitchen appliance, but considering how few hours of sleep my present universe allows, that's perhaps for the best James: there is only so much a caffeine fuelled bloodstream can produce and therefore no new paragraphs of the novel are forthcoming either James: I'm steeping your in disappointments to begin your day, I'm afraid James: and you're not the only one, as what I am overwhelmingly busy right now is cancelling plans Ava: I'm sure I'll survive them all though Ava: as you will the lack of sleep and caffeine jitters, with a bit of help Ava: what can I do? Ava: Which is to say, what plans are worth keeping cancelled, and which ones should be salvaged from the ❌🗑 James: all I am left with are the activities which I cannot bear to erase from the schedule, therein lies my dilemma in its entirety Ava: Lay it on me Ava: two heads are better than one James: she is supposed to be here & isn't, which is of no surprise to me & wouldn't be of any consequence if I were capable of being in two places at once James: but I am not, nor do I have words to spin this into a story that doesn't end with a child having even less routine or structure when what she wants is more of both Ava: Right, and naturally, she's left it too late to contact any grandparent to be a stand-in? Ava: is it something I could do or not? James: I did try my mother but her reaction to being asked to enter the swimming baths was as hilarious as it was unhelpful Ava: I can imagine Ava: if that wasn't a waste of imagination James: I should have foreseen that they'd end up sharing the same unwillingness to get their hair wet Ava: but swimming caps are so fetching Ava: 🙄 James: of course James: & it's entirely about them, not the children's enjoyment Ava: or that swimming is actually a pretty vital skill Ava: you think people who like to spend so much time doing water-adjacent activities, yachting, sailing etc, would realize said importance but half my friends can't swim, only take the poolside pictures Ava: but seriously, if you think they'd be okay, I'm happy to keep watch on whichever kid would be more agreeable with me doing so James: Jay loves swimming, but I'm sure she'll outgrow it & prefer to pose apathetically on a lounger in designer sunglasses given a few years & the force of my wife's will James: that's how things work in this universe Ava: Not everyone is like that Ava: and your wife's will can be broken by the horror of damp hair, it can't be that much of an unstoppable force James: her will isn't the one being tested, but point taken Ava: No, I know Ava: I bet none of her yummy mummy friends take their kids though, do they? James: all of her friends have foreign au pairs that they barely have to financially compensation for raising their children full time Ava: so Ava: we can pretend I'm your enthusiastic...Swedish is perhaps a little too cliche Ava: Dutch? Ava: au pair James: what language do you actually take in school? James: they might hypothetically try to voice their complaints to you & expect you to respond in kind Ava: Such a shame the obligatory Latin won't come in handy, as per with dead languages Ava: I take French though, some of them might be Swiss James: it's inconsequential really, I can't ask you to help me when I haven't even asked what your plans are Ava: I offered, you didn't ask Ava: and I wouldn't have offered if I was busy with anything of consequence James: yes you would Ava: Nothing in my life is that important, not currently James: this isn't important to you James: & it doesn't have to be Ava: It's a life skill, like I said Ava: I don't mind doing it James: what am I supposed to say? Ava: if you think it's a bad idea, it's not like I'll be offended or anything silly like that James: it isn't that it's a bad idea Ava: What is it? James: it's that I feel bad, if this is what I can offer you James: because ours isn't supposed to be a sob story & it seems like I've only started a conversation with you to file my complaints Ava: it's not all you can offer me Ava: or all you do Ava: you have responsibilities, plenty of them, I knew that before Ava: and it's not a negative, even with it meaning we spend more time missing each other than we'd like James: it is however painfully stereotypical, 'my wife doesn't understand me' & so on Ava: well, yes Ava: at least you aren't alone in that pain Ava: 2/3 marriages, isn't it James: you're not supposed to be a sounding board for my mistakes, or hers, is all I'm trying to say Ava: I don't feel like one, I promise James: I just wish we could exist independent of this James: but there's no way not to feel equally as bad for wishing for a different world as I do for dragging you into this one Ava: I know Ava: but that wouldn't be a real world at all Ava: it could only exist within the pages of the novel Ava: it'd be perfect but James: I know that too, all of it James: ignore me, I'm tired Ava: I couldn't if I wanted to Ava: and I don't Ava: maybe you'll find a lilo to catch some 💤 on James: sadly I'm not taking any of you swimming at the villa Ava: You would have to tell me if I needed my passport as well as my swimsuit James: one day Ava: yeah? James: if you want to Ava: I don't need to pose apathetically in another sun lounger Ava: but of course, I'd like to be anywhere with you James: you won't be, that isn't even the hypothetical holiday I have in mind James: you know I want to experience things with you Ava: Then we will Ava: and it'll be much more than a photo opportunity James: okay, good Ava: Where would you most want to go together? James: I don't know James: but I like snow Ava: We can work with that Ava: top of a mountain, maybe James: that would be an undeniably good photo opportunity Ava: okay, so the view doesn't count 😅 James: I'll be relying on that, taking mental pictures is all well & good for now but you're a very lovely view Ava: oh 😌 Ava: you're lovelier James: no, you're impossibly beautiful James: all I can do is my best to put suitable description to it Ava: you're just Ava: I want to help you today Ava: but it's undeniably a bonus that I will get to see you James: I'll make some time purely for you James: I don't know when, but as soon as I can Ava: I'll take it Ava: whenever it is James: there's a chance I can use my mother's unwillingness to help me now as a insistence to do so later Ava: potentially Ava: promise her hair won't get wet, that'd be a start James: thank you, I'll open with that Ava: 😏 Ava: there must be something she'd like to do with them Ava: that won't also be entirely torturous for them, because certainly counterproductive James: I'm not sure there is James: but at the very least she's capable of feeding & putting them to bed Ava: then I can do the same for you Ava: more or less James: by then, it'll be my turn to do something for you Ava: which would you rather 🛏 or 🍽? James: it's not my decision, it's yours Ava: I'll cook for you James: I think that's wise Ava: I just want to see you, we don't need to go anywhere unnecessarily Ava: my place is often empty James: I'm happy to hear that in this instance, because of how much I want to see you too Ava: It has its perks Ava: you can take as long as you like putting me to bed, also James: can I? Ava: Yes Ava: I very much hope so James: I don't think you've anticipated how long I would like to spend doing so James: in a perfect world Ava: in this world Ava: we can go to bed very, very early, so you'll still be home by the time you need to be James: & if I don't need to be anywhere else, can I stay? Ava: yes Ava: you can stay as long as you can James: I'll try & stay until we can say good morning face to face Ava: I'd really like that James: me too Ava: You make me smile, you know James: I look forward to seeing it, should traffic ever allow Ava: Oh, I could've got myself there James: I know but I want to spend as much time with you as possible, just in case James: it's already been highlighted how unreliable all of my childcare options are & just how dependent on ridiculous whims Ava: I'm not going to complain, trust me James: you'd be entitled to, when you see how much energy these girls have compared to me James: they make me appear a level of exhausted that I haven't yet reached, honest James: it's horrifically unjust Ava: If I know anything about having kids, it's that any complaint I might have doesn't even register in comparison Ava: and you're still beautiful, even if you're very, very tired James: in theory possibly, but actually, your every sound & silence registers with me Ava: in that case, I'll make every one count James: I believe you Ava: not that I promise my words will be as good as yours Ava: that would just be foolish James: I don't doubt your vocabulary either, you're extremely eloquent & capable whatever the circumstances James: a very worthwhile skill in a protagonist Ava: you could make me the swooning type and it'd be valid Ava: perhaps not very likable or inspirational though James: unless you've changed your mind about seeing me, I don't have the time for such a drastic & unnecessarily out of character rewrite James: there aren't enough hours in the day to finish the saga, never mind turn us into the next Bella & Edward James: what a great disservice that would be to you anyway Ava: That would be so out of character, I couldn't possibly, we'd find ourselves in the same situation regardless Ava: and whilst I'm happy to miss you and do some pining for the cause Ava: I'll be happier to see you, of course Ava: no need to exile yourself to Italy, though I can see the pluses of that for you/Edward James: not to mention, the age gap is already enough of a potential concern Ava: at least you aren't re-doing high school for the nth time Ava: that would be alarming James: there's an argument to be made that I should Ava: if you picked a better school, maybe James: at the top of a mountain, perhaps Ava: yes Ava: though, distracting as you would be, I wouldn't be mad at an excuse to see you every day James: there is nothing more distracting than the thought of the blush of your cheeks in the cold air, which is what I'm considering right now Ava: James James: Ava Ava: I'm going to have to be cool when I see you, aren't I James: yes Ava: okay Ava: then I better compose myself James: such a heartbreaking sentence will never make it into the final draft Ava: it's okay, I like swimming James: you'll enjoy it when I can promise you a hot spring Ava: I'll love it then James: I hope so Ava: I will Ava: but I could be anywhere with you and feel 🌞 James: I can't help but feel as though this swimming lesson will put that to the test Ava: screaming kids are nothing Ava: I'm 💪 James: you can have the baby then, there's more heavy lifting involved Ava: alright Ava: I can do that Ava: she must be like a little 🐠 James: she looks like one with her 🐠 hooded towel on Ava: that's adorable James: [sends her a picture from a previous swimming lesson of that adorable bub wearing it because that's not cheating evidence Chlo, we're safe] Ava: Bless her Ava: she's precious James: you'll do fine, she enjoys a compliment Ava: I feel that James: well, it'd be amiss if I didn't flirt with my au pair & we don't want any raised eyebrows Ava: Exactly Ava: got to play your role James: if there was ever one I was seemingly born to play Ava: you don't want an actual au pair? Ava: not for flirting purposes, obviously James: I'm not allowed one, for flirting purposes or otherwise Ava: Ahh Ava: I see James: yet another cliche Ava: you shouldn't need one Ava: she doesn't work, right Ava: or uni, or anything James: of course not, but we would hypothetically need one because, as you just highlighted, she doesn't do anything Ava: yeah Ava: maybe you could find a man Ava: or a really unappealing woman James: I'm not handing her someone else to sleep with, least of all someone who's supposed to be busy watching the children James: & I don't think a woman unappealing enough exists given that my imagined track record clearly surpasses the actual Ava: and it would just be cruel to force any queer guy to be her built-in gay BFF Ava: 🙁 James: oh god, that would be the cruellest fate imaginable Ava: couldn't wish that on anyone Ava: I just Ava: wish I could help more long-term James: all you have to do is be here, that is helping me both short & long term James: more than you know or I could feasibly let you know Ava: but you can try Ava: and I will very much enjoy you doing so Ava: later James: I miss you James: I want you to know that now Ava: I miss you too James: I'll be there soon though, whether or not that helps or makes the feeling worse for you Ava: we'll see Ava: at least I can let you know 💬 James: I'll take my own opportunity to compose myself before you do Ava: 😇 James: 😈 Ava: it will be hard not to be James: it always is Ava: yeah Ava: one day, you won't have to be James: but this morning, I'll try to please everyone Ava: and you will James: you're the 😇 darling Ava: but you are very, very good Ava: you should know, I want you to James: thank you Ava: you're 🥇 James: I will only accept the accolade if I can share the honour with you Ava: you're too generous Ava: you deserve it James: so do you Ava: nah, not really James: yes really James: I don't deserve you happening to me James: I'm in awe of everything about you, Ava Ava: That's not true Ava: you deserve me Ava: and a lot more besides James: irrespective of the difference of opinion, I don't want anything more than you Ava: anything? James: what could I possibly desire more than you? Ava: you're Ava: are you nearly here? James: yes, but I can take some kind of impromptu detour if you'd rather the answer was no Ava: I can definitely compose myself again Ava: becoming quite an expert James: which is why you deserve a 🥇 James: I know how difficult it is to do Ava: at least we share in it Ava: that makes it, not easier but at least worthwhile James: still, I wish there was something I could do to make it easier for you Ava: it'll help when I get to see you in the pool Ava: or make it a lot worse in a kinda fun way, anyway James: oh James: I haven't stopped to consider what you're going to be wearing for this Ava: It's probably best you don't Ava: forget I said anything James: hm, what you're done is, you've essentially guaranteed I can't & won't Ava: it's okay, you have the whole ride there to think about it before you really need to concentrate James: except I meant it when I answered yes to being nearly there & as soon as I am, time will speed up as it tends to do James: around you there are just never enough moments Ava: I miss you before you've even got here too Ava: no amount of time seems suitable James: I'll write us days, weeks, months & years but there's every chance you'll still feel cheated by it Ava: that's just life isn't it Ava: there's no time for half the things we want to do, but we have to carry on in earnest anyway James: the fraction alters from person to person, depending on the life lived & what gets prioritised but I don't believe there's anyone satisfied that they've experienced enough of anything they still want Ava: right Ava: the best you can hope for is doing some of it and having no regrets about if you could've done any more with your allotted time James: in not doing regrets, I'm halfway there Ava: could be worse James: I'm aware it could also be better, don't worry, I won't make you say it Ava: who's couldn't though James: anyone I care about, if the 🖋 were mightier than the ⚔ or indeed intentions counted for more than words on paper in the 1st place Ava: good intentions might not exactly be doing good, but it's still much better than doing bad James: they might also be dangerously close to a fool's errand but I've definitely made a fool of myself for a lot less Ava: I think its noble James: do you? Ava: Yes Ava: of course Ava: I mean it, really mean it, when I say I think you're lovely James: it's just that I'm not used to hearing it James: give me days, months, weeks & years Ava: Done Ava: the only reason I'd stop was if you wanted me to Ava: even then, I might try again, a few more times James: I have no intention, be it good or bad, of stopping you from doing anything you want to Ava: as long as you want it too James: even if I don't Ava: I wouldn't want that James: give yourself days, months, weeks & years James: the point is, my limitations aren't yours, you can do whatever you want & I won't be something that prevents you Ava: I'll still have time and space to say and mean it, whoever I am, because it will still be true and you'll still deserve to hear it James: okay, I'll work on accepting that James: but I make no promises about getting that work done during this particular car ride James: nonetheless, if you're still willing to, you can get in Ava: [come through gal, say hello to them babies] James: [depending where we're putting this on the timeline it could be the first time you have] Ava: [very well could be, Jay just like whaaa] James: [she's like new phone who dis] Ava: [just like I too wanted to swim so I'm coming with, is that cool?] James: [cue excited chatter about swimming and all the other sports and activities she likes because she's a sporty bitch from cradle to grave hence her personal trainer future] Ava: [just taking an interest like your own mother never, so rude] James: [I like to imagine the baby joining in by making excited sounds like she's trying to chat too] Ava: [just replying like yeah girl, same, like you understand] James: [I love it when that's a thing] Ava: [so do babies] James: [already better with her than her actual mother is] Ava: [sad but true] James: [we know the bar is that low, no shade Ava we also know you'll be an amazing step mum and mum so] Ava: [but seriously, we aren't being that extra rn that would be weird, we're just being not shit lol] James: [exactly dr phil and we know this swimming lesson will go great cos I'm only gonna be evil after and not let him get away to spend the night with her cos forever rude] Ava: [that's real and fair] James: [you lowkey don't get to have anything you want rn lads it's just the era we're in] Ava: [true tea, can skip to that] James: the later we wanted is going to have to happen moreso than we thought James: I'm really sorry James: I've tried everyone, both my siblings even Ava: Oh, okay Ava: that is a shame James: It's not okay, you were wonderful earlier & I James: well, I'm hardly that, unless we're giving out marks for effort in the last hour Ava: I'm definitely counting it Ava: if it can't be done it can't be James: not tonight Ava: then it's, not okay but just a fact Ava: we'll find time James: what are you doing tomorrow, maybe we can find some time then? Ava: I'm going to another Uni taster day thing James: which uni is it? Ava: LSE, so I will be about the day after on James: & you'll tell me what you think of LSE when it's over, right? Ava: Of course Ava: it's 1st for journalism but I'm not sold quite yet James: the tour might swing it for you if they take it more seriously than the one I gave Ava: I happen to be fond of the tour you gave, thank you very much James: Yes, The Vault will forever hold a special place in your heart Ava: Exactly Ava: be swinging by whether I'm alum or not 😏 James: I'll bear that in mind should I ever need to find you Ava: you only have to ask James: or whistle, not your namesake's immortal line, but I'm sure it'd be effective Ava: I have two, should you ever like to try again James: I'll bear that in mind as well Ava: Are you named after your dad, or granddad? James: II not III Ava: might've skipped a generation, if he was feeling particularly ruthless James: that would be a fun anecdote, but no Ava: that's a shame Ava: how do they pick the second boy's name James: I assume my mother just named Teddy what she would have named me if my father's ego hadn't got in the way Ava: that makes sense James: how they chose me sister's name would be anyone's guess, were it not stolen from the royal family Ava: surprised they'd commit the faux pas Ava: never have you 'round now, very awkward James: or very much a relief Ava: Poor Charlotte is pretty awkward looking James: looking like your grandmother can go one of 2 extremely different ways James: the more greats you add, the more you're rolling the dice Ava: 😅 Ava: at least there is some mystery in that Ava: no prizes for guessing who I come from James: but hand on heart I can profess to being thrilled that neither of my daughters resemble any of their grandparents Ava: they look like you James: Jay does Ava: yeah, moreso Ava: little ones change so much James: yes, she's an unfinished work Ava: that's a good way to put it James: it's better than being a shelved one, as I am Ava: I can deploy tiptoes if necessary James: thank you for what will be a cherished mental image Ava: it'd be cuter if I was smaller but in relation to you James: you couldn't be any cuter, in relation to anyone Ava: I'm glad you think so James: of course I do Ava: no of course about it Ava: you're totally gorgeous yourself James: first you're comparing our heights & now follows the rest of our attributes James: it's okay, I'm sitting down Ava: well I'm glad to hear you're getting somewhat of a break Ava: I'm just saying, it was still very unlikely, if not star-crossed James: you don't think we looked right together earlier? Ava: I love how we looked James: is there a but coming? Ava: only in the sense I wish it wasn't such a predictable cliche scene around here Ava: but it's neither of our faults that employment is seen as an actual form of flirtation by some James: it was a convenient excuse, I couldn't have wished for more than that under the circumstances Ava: I know Ava: it did the job James: if you want to come again, we know it works Ava: do you think I'll be invited back? James: I don't see why not Ava: I did okay then James: you did better than okay, we're all in agreement here Ava: good James: you haven't been worrying about this since you left, have you? Ava: not worrying Ava: but I don't want to mess that up, so I'm glad I didn't James: I understand, but I meant what I said about being in awe of you, you know James: this wasn't any different Ava: You really do always know what to say Ava: I know it was only swimming, but I'm glad they got to go James: well it's obvious that you always know what to do because you were perfect James: I was worried I shouldn't have agreed to you coming with us, but I'm glad you did James: they would've missed out for no reason if I'd panicked needlessly Ava: it wasn't needless panic though, you were left properly in the lurch Ava: and on paper, does not sound like the best idea James: I'm used to that, but less used to us existing off the page, particularly when it isn't just the two of us James: I asked you what you thought about how we looked, but it's something I try not to think about Ava: because of what other people might think Ava: or because you don't like the thought James: because of everything about my life that makes it difficult for us to be an us James: & because of your age & theirs Ava: You aren't that much older, even if your life means you have to act it Ava: but I understand Ava: thinking about it too much makes you think it might only ever be a nice thought, a daydream on the page and in our heads James: I know but Jay is 6 & you aren't old enough to have a child of that age James: which is why you don't James: I can't help thinking about that Ava: Well, yeah, I don't get having kids, there's no denying that but I'm not trying to say I do Ava: most people your age don't have kids either James: of course they don't, that's the thing, there's not an excessive age gap but there is a huge discrepancy when it comes to our lifestyle Ava: I know James: I don't want to alter yours, that's all Ava: You aren't just going to Ava: my lifestyle is up to me James: okay, just don't let me rewrite you Ava: you won't Ava: you don't want to, and I won't let you Ava: don't worry, okay James: I'll try not to Ava: it's needless, we can use that word here instead James: it's only a worry because I like you exactly as you are Ava: those aren't your words, sir James: do you only accept original speeches? James: it's very much a sentiment that applies to you and how I feel in this instance Ava: as long as you stick to the classics Ava: Mark Darcy, Edward Cullen James: an easy promise to both make & stick to Ava: then I'm happy Ava: 😊 James: I'm happy to hear that Ava: I like it when you're happy James: I'm happy with you Ava: good Ava: that's a good start Ava: we'll see each other soon, but maybe we can call before then James: I'd like that James: when? Ava: whenever you can Ava: I'm going to have a quiet night in James: as soon as I can then Ava: perfect Ava: what are you doing now? James: everything you would if you were my actual au pair Ava: Awkward when I am just a pretty face James: you're not but you're also not on my payroll thankfully because that would be more awkward James: what are you doing? Ava: making some dinner Ava: then I'll see how long I can make a bath last, I reckon James: are you making the same thing for yourself as you were going to make for me? Ava: I would've made you something special James: you've earnt special too though Ava: I'll do a different kind of special then Ava: comfort food James: I normally can't stand compromises but that admittedly sounds like a lovely one Ava: aren't compromises key in kid negotiations though? James: I think that depends what kind of parent you are Ava: and you're the structure and routine, so you're the boundaries and rules that aren't up for discussion too James: whether I wish I could just give in sometimes or not Ava: you're the love too though Ava: you can tell they both adore you James: for as long as being everything doesn't wear me down to nothing, I'll keep being exactly what they need me to Ava: does anyone help Ava: like, give consistent help James: her parents are the closest I've got Ava: sounds really fucking stressful James: it was easier with one Ava: yeah Ava: now you're outnumbered James: & everyone helped more when Jay was younger because we were too James: I'm expected to know what I'm doing by now Ava: don't reckon anyone ever does though Ava: cop-out response, I'm aware but genuinely Ava: it's just everyone has the responsibility of fucking up their own kids James: every child is different & I'm not remotely the same person I was either James: an additional cop out response but true anyway James: the way I handle things now, or don't, is a world away from how I coped then so James: new challenges Ava: well, I can't say about then Ava: but you're nicer now than lots of dickheads 'round here that wait 'til they're 30-40 odd to have theirs James: thank you Ava: whatever missteps, having a parent that's a decent person is an advantage lots of kids don't get James: are yours? Ava: yeah, I think so Ava: like, they aren't storybook parents and they never have been that type, they're too fucked up for that Ava: but they did and would do anything for us, nothing we could bring at them would be too much, and my siblings have definitely put that to the test in recent years James: storybook parents tend to lead you into the woods using a trail of breadcrumbs or do nothing while you're placed under a curse anyway James: which sounds more like the school of child rearing my parents would subscribe to Ava: oh you're right Ava: the ones that aren't dead are usually terrible James: I need to write some better bedtime stories once the novel is finished Ava: you'd be perfect at that Ava: I can tell Ava: you can turn me into whatever animal sells best but it better be cute or I won't be able to help being slightly offended James: you'll be adorable & clever & kind, of course James: the good ideas can come from your animal counterpart as they always do from you when you're yourself Ava: very 🦗 Ava: she likes 🐕 a lot though, and I can handle that James: I was considering a water creature because you love swimming & are intending to be in the bath as long as you possibly can James: perhaps 🦦 Ava: see Ava: you're amazing at this Ava: that would be so cute James: you haven't seen the pictures yet, an amazing artist I am not Ava: we'll get you an illustrator James: male or unattractive? Ava: I'm not your wife, I don't need to make those sort of stipulations James: strictly hired on their ability to draw an adorable 🦦 it is then Ava: 👍 thinking James: [I was thinking he should send her some totally beautiful and expensive pudding because she said comfort food so that needs to arrive before she's in the bath otherwise that'd be annoying instead of sweet] Ava: James James: Ava Ava: how am I ever going to thank you? James: oh good, I thought you were say you didn't like it James: *about to Ava: I love it Ava: how are you just as sweet Ava: it's ridiculous James: it's ridiculous that I can't see you for days at a time James: I want you to know that you're in my thoughts more often than that Ava: if she knew how lucky she was, none of this would even be an issue, that's what's ridiculous Ava: but I'm sort of glad she doesn't Ava: selfishly James: she isn't lucky to have me, that's the obvious issue James: because to say that we don't work as a couple or aren't sweet to each other is an oversimplification Ava: did you ever? James: no Ava: I'm sorry James: I don't deserve any sympathy, I haven't always tried very hard Ava: It's still sad James: It's sad for them, I'd like to think that maybe one day they'll describe me as 'fucked up but...' as you did your parents though James: I'd happily settle for that Ava: I don't know how thrilled they'd be Ava: but there's not really a higher compliment so Ava: as far as goals go, it's a good one James: realistic goals are the only way forward Ava: I'll drink to that James: 🥂 since I can't actually Ava: I'm just eating my pudding, obviously James: very amiss of me not to send you 🍾 as well James: noted Ava: Shh Ava: it was perfect, you are Ava: there's always enough 🍾 'round mine to bathe in, should I feel so inclined James: I remember Ava: yeah Ava: I remember too James: I won't ask you to fill in the ensuing gaps in my memory, don't worry Ava: I tried not to pay that close attention, naturally James: 😇 naturally Ava: Hardly Ava: Buster was just pretty embarrassing James: I remember that as well James: though I took the 👑 in that regard so there's little room for me to say anything Ava: you aren't my brother so I guess it didn't really register James: it may have more closely registered had we stayed friends, I suppose Ava: He didn't stay, period James: precisely Ava: 🤷 James: if he had & we were still friends, there wouldn't be a you & I so Ava: depends how good friends you were Ava: think you'd have to be much better than you were, right? James: it would be an added complication regardless & there are more than enough of those Ava: very true James: no offense to your brother but I would rather have your company than his Ava: 😂 I should hope so James: you could improve your ⚽ skills but James: Jay'll help you Ava: Slander Ava: I could be semi-pro, you don't know 😏 James: 😂 Ava: I'm not though, don't want to get anyone's hopes up here Ava: definitely come back to bite me if I try and impress you with my dribbling skills 🙄 James: I won't wait for you to indignantly explain the off side rule to me, it's okay Ava: we're both better than that cliche James: I hope so Ava: besides, I have ZERO interest in being a sports journalist thank you Ava: not putting that out into the universe James: or a WAG presumably Ava: not unless he has an interesting personality to go with the ball control James: some of them must Ava: probably be better going with a female player but I doubt they're girlfriends go in for the WAG label Ava: not invested enough to champion it solo James: it'd be a slightly less stereotypical existence Ava: except every lesbian is either a footballer, cop or farmer James: I'll have to take your word for it Ava: yes, I'm very reliable James: well I'm sorry, you can't be the novel's narrator Ava: I like your words too much, that's fine James: you're too kind to me Ava: no James: yes James: because it's another failing of mine that I can't get inside your head in order to write those words Ava: I like when you tell them to me Ava: with your voice James: can I call you? Ava: yes James: [does and I vote it lasts for hours and hours because they are cute and high key] Ava: [agreed]

Opinion about Mayura

Oh well, here we go.

I still haven't fully recovered from the Mayura episode, but we take the hand of God and go in faith.

As always, I didn't understand much of what they were talking about, but early on after Hawk Moth had spoken, Ladybug's face wasn't the best.

I assume she was afraid, after all, who wouldn't have been in that situation... It was kind of scary since nothing like that had ever happened before. But after she talked to Chat Noir, does she seem to have gained more courage?

Anyway, I wanted to know enough French to have understood what the super heroes said before they went into the attack.

Anyway, let's get past the battle, things I can see and I can comment on: Carapace and Chat Noir. Bromance goals.

Not only are they best friends without the masks, but I feel they can be best friends with the masks too, it would be fantastic. I like Adrien and Nino so much together, it's kind of my OTP of friendship. Of course, next to Alya & Marinette, because no one outgrows them both. But I must admit, Chat Noir and Carapace work very well as a team and I hope that in season three we can see more of this type.

Probably several people thought about it, and even wanted it to happen... when Rena Rouge was hit by an arrow, the way to get it out was with a kiss of true love, as it was with Ladybug and Chat Noir in the first season, but noooooo...

Honestly, I was waiting for Ladybug to start saying to Carapace, "Hey, you need to kiss her to get her out of this state. Be quick before she's akumatized" and then we'd finally have the right to see first kiss in the chambers of Alya x Nino even though it was in a superhero state. What a shame. I know I dreamed too much, but I also wanted to see Ladynoir kiss again, I miss them.

By the way, it was scary when Chloe's parents and her butler arrived, like... poor thing. She had to fight them as best she could, but it was impossible since she eventually got caught too.

And then we get to the part where Ladybug and Chat Noir are left alone. I know they are in the middle of a major battle but being honest, I was so happy with what happened in the sewers. It was so cute. I didn't get it right, but after walking on the tumblr, there were already people who had already subtitled their scene, so just look. It was fantastic how Adrien encouraged Marinette, even though he didn't know it was her.

And it was also so sweet of him to continue to respect Marinette's desire and close his eyes when they jumped into the water.

About Plagg and Adrien: Thank you. Really, thank you very much for this scene. I knew Plagg cared about Adrien but seeing him demonstrate such a feeling is always great to see.

BTW, I HAD A MINI ATTACK WHEN THEY SAYED DETRANSFORMATION! I really found that they were going to de-transform in front of each other, what a scare, what a heart attack they gave me.

And again, as at the end of the first season, Ladybug released so many butterflies, it really gave me a nostalgia in the belly, it was beautiful.

Speaking of nostalgia before in the sewers, I had given LadyNoir a nostalgia too when Adrien turned to the wall and put his hand on it while talking to Marinette. I shipped both of these two, my OTP.

And then the Parisians appeared... I cried with happiness. It was so beautiful. Yesterday Thomas had put an image on his Twitter that now if they are to compare with the scene of the Parisians makes perfect sense.

I think everyone already has a sense of my hatred for Lila, but anyway, unfortunately, she appeared again in the episode. Knowing the fact that she has to speak for her illusions to speak, made me think of the Catalyst episode and how she had to talk about everything for Miss Fortune and Chat Noir to talk about. It must be exhausting, but I don't care, she can be tired even, I'm sick of her and her lies and ugly faces to others.

And please, somebody puts some judgment on Gabriel's head, he hit his own son. Even if he doesn't know that it's his son and even though Chat doesn't know Hawk Moth is his father, it's still violence and I got a little bad with it, Adrien doesn't deserve the life he takes from his father, he deserves someone who loves him and gives him attention, who cares for him the right way (like Marinette, but I'd like to know more about Adrien and Emilie's relationship)

But it really was strange to see the real Hawk Moth again in his true suit and not in red, I had gotten used to it, but I didn't like it too much, I prefer the normal colors.

And in an act of desperation, Natalie went to pick up Peacock's Miraculous. Yeah, it was her, but I got the feeling that this Miraculous belonged to Emilie and she's in a coma/died on account of this Miraculous since in the end, Gabriel worried about Natalie's condition after using the Miraculous. It must be really powerful and exhausting... Now I want to know more!

But let me confess here, for Mayura's first appearance, she's really pretty, even though it's Natalie. Now I wonder what it would be like if it were Emilie. HMMM

BUT HEY! Now Ladybug and Chat Noir know that Peacock's Miraculous is with the Hawk Moth, since Mayura helped him.

And as always, in any series, the villain managed to escape. I just can't understand why Nooroo is so... Idk, nice to Gabriel. He doesn't deserve. Why call him "master" then? Ugh...

(insert here the fact that Alya, Nino and Chloe returned the miraculous and everything)

NOW WE CAN TALK ABOUT HOW LADYBUG GOT THE BEE'S MIRACULOUS?! SHE AND CHAT FINDED AFTER, BEFORE SHE GOING TO SEE MASTER FU? WHY DIDN'T WE SEE THAT IN THE EPISODE? I WANTED!

Alya and Mylene are kind of like me with all my shipps, they were fantastic. Too bad Adrien sat down and didn't give it five minutes, he had to leave. He should have had more freedom too, poor fellow, just wanted to be with his friends. But the fact that before he left, he had said those words all to Marinette, about her being their Ladybug every day, it was... beautiful. He compared the "love of his life" to "it's just a friend". It's not a coincidence, is it? Please, Adrien, open your eyes, you were made for each other. Master Fu agrees, the fandom agrees, everyone agrees (except Chloe and Lila but shhhh)

And I'll not even comment on Chloe's attitude to Sabrina, I don't think it's worth it. There are episodes where she is a good character and others that she is just the biggest bitch in the world, but as Marinette said in the episode Malediktor, "Ladybug made me a better Marinette, maybe Queen Bee make Chloe better too." I'm still waiting to see this.

AND WE CAN'T FORGET THE MOST IMPORTANT: THE KISS.

Tell me the truth, no one was expecting Marinette to finally take that step of kissing Adrien's cheek. It was like... SHOCKER. In a good way, because I was very happy.

So I hope that in the future, we'll have more of these scenes. As said by the creators, season two is nothing compared to season three, so Miraculers, get ready, we'll have many more heart attacks ahead with MLB.

Surely many good things are still waiting for us, with Miraculous's next season. More action, romance, comedy, drama, sadness, revelations, I'm anxious to see what's out there. I hope it doesn't take long to launch season three, but I know they are doing a great job, and I am very proud to be a Miraculer, to participate in this sea of emotions at the same time. The end of this season was as good as the first.

So... Be Miraculous!

See ya~ 💘💚🖤

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