🎶 You see, I spy for living, and I specialize in revenge, on taking the things I know will cause you pain~ 🎶

Or, local telepath caves to the siren's song that is Pulp's ‘I Spy’ again and forgets people have actual ears. This happens like once a week. Bless Marcia for never questioning why I Spy is in their store's playlist~

Also new guy dropped

Hi it's 2:47 am and I'm about to fall asleep so. If this is poorly written uh 👍👍👍

His name is Ven (or vey I havent and decided) and is the crow to my good dear limts nevermore.

Theyre roommates (ambiguous) 👍

Was supposed to be an arbiter of th3 h3at but honeycomb man is funnier (what's was I sewing uhhhh yeah just think of it as his day off honeycomb Hawaiian shirt and a fucking fur collar(

This is all my brain will spit out rn idk if someone from discord wants ikl answer questions about them (too top ahit 2 answer twhrw mm)

Tfw when you're on your way to striaght up exterminate a star of the city and some random ass fixer is there before uou and kills it. So you ask them on a date and proceed ro haunt tyem so deeply that a knock at the door puts fear into their heart. But tbf it already did that in the first place. Hey maybe ask tyem how the whole 'find my dear friendlenore's missing body' is going on . Sure would suck if a wing or smthn had it man. Anyways what's your relation to the pianist incident and the reverb ensemble.

Would suck if they joined some ragtag company to try and escape every dingle knock at their door only for them to eventually confront it with a clock like. Damn. Sucks to suck but at least they partially manifested their ego before joining the company. Hey I wonder who their scyth3 is a reference to and the whole 'violet somgbird' nickname. Oh the wonders of the city

More about lint (Celeste soliayre, my limbus oc)

-

Grew up backstreets district 9. Was like. Vaguely aware of roland and angelica. And also fond of them.

- manages to get a job as a fixer (they're like. 20 ish here) and goes into I course nest for a contract their office made.

- sucks to suck penist shows up. You know how that goes

- straight uo fucks off from their job to go towards the pianist (mostly getting people out of the way so they aren't music slammed)

- not fast enough to kill that thang (does watch it die tho so. Yeahg)

- they do pass by arugula afterwards. He's doing 👍

- heavily scarred and "inspired and enlightened" by the incident that it shows up in their own personal ego ,(some sorta thang I gotta design that goes around their neck) normally uses scythe as their base weapon but decided to go with a short range close combat weapon for limbus because they're bad at it.

- absolutely miracle this fucker hasn't distorted by now. Broke into tye library to trade info and then got booked six or something times (you gotta figure out how to unhook people no way that lady did it naturally first try when they let everyone out of the libraby)

- got in contact with an arbiter (bee guy) and gave whatever info they had because man. Theyrr not fighting him.(moreso they just fucking appeared at their doorstep and they had no choice but to answer)

-starts going up in ranks. Like a pretty good grade 2 almost grade one but trying hard as hell not to become a color (every color they know is a sicko. Sad sandwich man? Murder violence spree. Blue sicko? His emo band. Violet tear? The fucking orphanage. The red gaze? Divorced energy)

- straight up quits being a fixer for "unknown reasons" to join limbus. Also goes missing for like. 6 months before this.

- with their ego is does rely on them using parts of their voice as something to physically attack with (pianist 2 : small edition)

-theyre like. Tsundere but not. Like normal enough but also very easily embarrassed and lies about almost everything. An honest opinion out of them is 1 rare 2 scary as hell please lie again you were nicer then

Literally just Blue sicko 2: remixed .

The 'I'm (not) normal. I'm so so (not) normal 🫠👍👍👍👍👍" vibe

SOOOOOO for those of you who weren’t able to catch the recent hyper stream, zac dropped a SHIT TON of important info on us, including a lot of kollok’s history that was hinted at in the show, but often never entirely explained.

along with that, he set up a lot of the bigger narrative for season 3. 

- billy baker is responsible for wiping out 20% of the world’s population. based on calculations made during the stream (and by yours truely) 8 percent was killed on impact, and the rest from the fallout of earthquakes, tsunamis. over 1 billion people died from his actions.

- on november 12th, 1991, 292,758 babies were born. these were the last children to ever be born on earth. 

- in 2002, the united states fell

- in 2006, all of humanity’s last children were given a “sidekick flip phone”, all in different mysterious ways. (ooc this is because ethan wanted a sidekick flip phone and zac said yes). all of the phones run on the devina network, independent from any other cell network in the world, and connect every single last child.

- over time, these last children began to band together through his chat room, sharing stories and their own experiences. they began to discuss how they might fix the world, and began to radicalize. leaders began to emerge, and this group of children became known as the Ascended.

- harmonia has come into its power in this time, and acts has a tyrannical force keeping order. zac has said that we will understand in this season why ven killed bucket. i don’t want to like ven and i don’t want to hate bucket but wooo boy we might. everyone in the world now knows what harmonia is in one way or another.

- there was a slew of coordinated attacks on harmonia by these ascended. all of them failed, and many ascended, as well as others, died. all acts of rebellion have been quelled, and many ascended have chosen to live normal lives out of fear of retribution from harmonia

- this is this season’s “metagame”. if you watched live last year, or were involved with kollok when it was on the air, you would know that it had an interactive piece where the audience could create their own characters within the world, that might be used in the show. ex: lexi noff, mr. thomas, and even embeth pegg herself. you are playing one of the ascended that survived. zac said specfically that in order to keep main character syndrome from happening, the characters you are playing are traumatized or terrified of doing anything that goes against harmonia. some may cling to their rebellious teenage selves, you were 15 during the rebellion, while some may discard their sidekick entirely

- the ascended began to disappear. though, there are whispers of a small group still out there. at this point, none of you are organized. you worry that you will be punished for your role in the failed uprisings. also, you need to charge the sidekick, just a note

out of story things

- zac said that they had planned on doing something BIG for ven’s return tomorrow, but that it’s impossible to do anything in LA right now

- he also said that hyper has really been struggling, and that they lost a lot of support over the pandemic. he said that one of the only reasons kollok isn’t back right at this moment, is because of lack of funding and lack of long term support

speculation, theories, clear up, info

- harmonia is the big bad this season, zac said that it’s one of the bigger evils, and that we probably won’t like bucket after this. that makes me wonder...skye main villain in this season?

- mallory is dead, this has been confirmed

- mearl jenkins knew more than everyone else, and zac shared his character notes. though i won’t post them here, (zac wanted them for the people in attendance of the stream only), any relevant information not known already will be put on the wiki

My Affection

About: 1.7k about Chris falling in love after hearing you read bedtime stories to his cousins after a family party.

A/N: Okay two things, 1) I didn’t use any names for the cousins because I didn’t know them lol and writing about real kids made me feel weird for some reason 2) I really could not write this without Spanish because I cannot see Chris speaking English unless he has to. I speak 1% Spanish and I’m 99% proficient in google translate so cut me some slack or educate me! I’d love to learn more. 

Song: My Affection by Summer Walker & PARTYNEXTDOOR

--

“Ay! Por favor, mis hijos, dejar de correr por toda la casa!” you hear Chris’s mom yell before three of his cousins zoom by you as you closed the living room door. “Dios mío, ayudame!” Chirs laughed at them driving his mom crazy. He taught them so well.

“Mami! Estoy aquí,” he said grabbing your hand and pulling you towards the kitchen, “y con mi amor.” You blushed at that, and he pulled you closer to press a kiss to the top of your head. “MAMI-” he started yelling until his mom came out of the kitchen glaring at him.

“How are you always yelling?” she asked, unable to fight the smile on her face as her son squeezed the life out of her in a hug. 

“POR QUE TE AMO MAMI.” She smiled and rolled her eyes in your direction, making you laugh, wondering how either of you had tolerated him for so long. 

“Estoy feliz que tu estas aqui, pero,” she said moving away from him and pulling you into a tight hug. “I’m happier your here to take him away when I get annoyed.” You laughed and hugged her back. 

“Mami!?” 

“It’s true,” she said and shrugged. 

“Chris!! Estas aqui!?” Suddenly the patter feet of four kids came running down the hallway to attack Chris at his feet. 

“My favorite cousins! Ven acá!” He crouched down to hug all of them. 

“Perfecto, Chris, entertain them while (Y/N), and I finish up in the kitchen,” she said to him and his fan club, “hopefully, they’ll tire each other out and we both get an easy night,” she whispered to you. You laughed and smiled at Chris already on the floor playing with the kids. Safe from being picked in tag, you and his mom were in the kitchen moving the various dishes into ceramic containers to be placed on the table. “So, como estas? Are you good? Is everything okay?” 

“Yeah, I’m sorry we haven’t been over in a while. Chris’ schedule plus mine has been so hectic, but I promise we’ll make more time.” 

“That’s all I want, both of you around more. Hadn’t seen you in so long, I almost thought Chris did something stupid and you broke up with him, but he just didn’t want to tell me.” You laughed because that was far from the truth. Finally, things were going well, and you were just taking the time to bask in it before another tour or rumor mill ruin everything.

“Chris? Doing something stupid? Never,” you said sarcastically, causing both of you to laugh. Chris looked up from whatever game he was playing, losing interest because he forgot all the made-up rules. Seeing you and his mom made his heart do a weird thing he’s never felt before. He’s not sure if it’s what everyone is talking about when they brag about their love life. He knows he loves his mom. He knows he loves his family, his band, his fans, but he doesn’t know what to compare what he feels to because he’s never felt this before.  Sure he’s had girlfriends and women he’s said he loved, but he doesn’t even begin to know how to process what he feels. How does he even ask the guys about this when he doesn’t fully understand himself. All he’s sure of is seeing you with his mom makes him feel comfortable like this is how everything should always be.

“Chris! You’re not even trying!” they all shouted at him, pulling him out of his thoughts.

“Lo siento, let’s start over.” More of the Velez family started to trickle into the home as the night went on, everyone running on their own version of Miami time. 

“Dale, todos estan aqui! Vamos comer!” This was your favorite part. Everyone was around the table just happy to be connected. Plates were passed and drinks were poured, it only took seconds for the family to make you feel like you belonged. A Velez party lasts till the last person leaves, but that rule did not apply for kids. 

“Bueno, niños, es hora de irse a la cama!” They all groaned and quickly ran to hide behind Chris. 

“Chris isn’t going to bed yet!”

“Yeah, he’s still awake, and you call him a kid all the time!” 

“Hey!” Chris whined at the comment. You laughed and ruffled his hair.

“Chris isn’t going to bed because Chris is helping clean up.” The look on his face was priceless. 

“Qué estoy haciendo?!” He asked confused, which only made the kids giggle more. He was about to protest until his mom shot him “the look” that everyone knows so well, shutting him up immediately. “Sorry, queiro jugar pero I still have to listen to my mom too,” he explains before slumping over exaggeratedly, like washing a dish was the biggest chore in the world.  

“What if while Chris is stuck doing chores,” you proposed to the kids while sticking your tongue out at Chris, “I read you a story before bed?”  

“Yes!”

“Sí!”

“Vamos!” They all agreed, already pulling on your hands and forcing you towards their room.

“Wow, replacing me como eso? Pensé que estoy tus favorito?”

“You’re only our favorite when (Y/N) isn’t here.” The look of hurt flashed across his face only made them burst into more giggles. 

“Mean!” he said before stomping out of the room, sure to whip back around the corner and shoot you a wink, mouthing “thank you” before he truly left.

“Vamos! Let’s read!” you said, letting them guide you to their room. Once inside, each of them ran to pick out their favorite book and jump into bed, vigorously patting their side waiting for you to join them. 

“Me first! Quiero esto!” she said holding up a big, red book with “Los Tres Cerditos” plastered across it. All the kids listened carefully as you started. 

“Érase una vez que había una mamá cerda que tenía tres cerditos. Ella los amaba mucho, pero no había suficiente comida para alimentarlos, así que los cerditos tuvieron que ir a buscar su suerte.”  You could see their eyes drooping as you got to the end of each book, their bodies sinking further and further into their comforters. You were about to get up and sneak out until you were caught. 

“We’re not--,” a small voice interrupted itself with a yawn, “tired yet.” You laughed to yourself before turning around and sitting on one of their beds.

“No estás cansada? I read all the stories you pick out; I’m out of books!” More yawns broke out as they all forced their eyes to stay open.

“You tell us a story.” You watched all three of them snuggle up, waiting for your voice to finally push them to sleep. 

“Vale, how about a poem this time? Algo que mi papá siempre leía a mi mamá, luego me leyó?” Far too tired to speak, they all nodded their heads and waited for you to start. You took a second to make sure you remembered all the words, and you were so lost in your thoughts that you didn’t notice the footsteps coming towards the door. “Querido amor, llenas mi vida de color. Esa dulce sonrisa que a mis ojos hipnotiza. Hizo que me enamorara de ti muy aprisa.” A soft smile covered all the kids faces, including Chris who had made himself comfortable at the door, leaning in quietly to eavesdrop. “Cuando cercas de mi estas tu corazón. Mi corazon tus pasos siente cuando siempre estas presente. Es tan fuerte este amor que siempre esta en mi mente. Nuestro amor vence barreras que es tan valiente. Nuestro amor vence barreras que es tan valiente. Tu eres mi gran ilusion a mi petences y en mis sueños amaneces.” After hearing you were done, Chris slipped out of the room and waited by the door. You beamed at all the kids who were fast asleep. You waited a minute watching their chests rise and fall before you went to get up. You closed the door quietly before being attacked by your boyfriend.  You were about to scream before he slapped his hand around your mouth. 

“Nena, relájate. Están durmiendo,” he said laughing a little to himself.

“You scared me! I thought you were doing dishes!” He rolled his eyes and pulled you away from his room. 

“I was, pero I wanted to check on you. So I came just in time to hear your little poem.” His smirked caused you to blush, finally realizing the footsteps meant he heard the whole thing.

“Chrissss,” you whined burying your face into his neck.

“Aye, mi amor, don’t get shy on me now.” If you could see him, you would’ve seen him looking down at you with so much love and pride, he didn’t even know what to do with it. “Quiero decir gracias, porque you didn’t have to help me out with them or read each of them a story.” That made you look up and him and he shot you a shy grin. “Ok maybe I was listening in for a while but anyway. I love that about you, how you’re always willing to help me or my family like they’re you’re own, and carajo…” he trailed off, forcing you to pull away and keep eye contact.

“Chris--”

“I love you.” He blurted it out so the feelings didn’t stay trapped inside him. “It might be early or whatever, but I love you, and I’ve thought it for a while now pero I didn’t know if I was sure, but I know now. You are the just the fucking best thing in my life right now. Even my cousins like you more than me! But we’ll talk about that later. Just,” he looked away and laughed softly, trying to cover up how vulnerable he felt right now. “Thank you for dealing with me and my craziness and my family and me going on tour and the boys and I could go go on forever, but want to go home and hold you, mi amor.”

“Aww, Chris!” you gushed.

“And maybe some sexy stuff,” he added. 

“I’m in love with an idiot.”

“SI MAMI, VAMOS! MAMI WE’RE LEAVING!”

Everything I Didn’t Say (or the Three Times Ander Told the Truth)

Request: seeing the actual conversation in ep1 where ander tells rebe about his diagnosis (after she finds him crying) i love your fics btw

Characters: Ander, Rebe, Azucena, Omar

Note: I don’t know what kind of fic I want to say this is because it’s not an omander fic like the others I’ve written because it’s more about Ander’s thoughts after receiving his diagnosis (but I will put it under omander fics in my masterlist) I hope you enjoy reading this! I’d love to hear your feedback.

1.

Rebe had never seen Ander so upset. Granted, she had never seen Ander express any type of emotion apart from his stoic self in class and his model-like demeanor in the photos Omar had showed her. This was a whole new ballgame.

“Ander?” She placed her hand on his shoulder. He wouldn’t look at her. “Ven.” She grabbed his arm and pulled him into an empty classroom and locked the door.

Ander leaned against the wall. “Lo siento,” he gasped through his tears.

Rebe shook her head and placed her bag on the nearby desk. Her mind was running a mile a minute. What could possibly make the calmest person she had ever met break down in this way. “You don’t have to tell me,” she finally spoke again for the first time in what felt like hours. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

What was she supposed to say?

“Can’t have someone as gorgeous as you crying, can we?”

Probably not that.

Ander chuckled as he wiped a tear away.

Okay, so maybe that.

“Is Omar okay?” Rebe finally realized a possible cause for this unpredictable event.

“Yeah. He’s great,” Ander sighed. He slid down so he could sit on the floor while still leaning against the wall.

Rebe slowly took a seat next to him, careful not to move too quickly or startle him in any way. She placed a hand on his knee, hoping to provide him some comfort.

“I went to the doctor,” Ander further crushed the crumbled piece of paper in his fist. “I…I have leukemia.” He put his head in his hands, the tears rushing back like a waterfall.

“Joder,” she let out a breath. “Ander. I’m so sorry.” She wrapped her arm around his shoulders. His body shook as he let out another sob.

“Don’t mention it to my mom,” he whimpered trying to stop the tears.

“Yeah okay,” she rubbed his shoulder. “Ander,” she suddenly realized. “You’ve told her, right?”

Ander silently stared at his shoes.

“Ander, you have to tell her. “She’s-“

“Don’t,” he said softly, suddenly much calmer. It was like he flipped a switch. He turned his emotions off just as quickly as he turned them on. If you had blinked, you would have missed it. Everyone else in the hall certainly did. His voice was now low and almost steady. “I don’t need anyone else. I can handle this on my own.”  He stood up quickly and stepped away from her. “I don’t know what came over me. I’m sorry.” He grabbed his bag and looked down at her. “Please don’t tell anyone.”

“Of course,” Rebe nodded. “But Ander-“

He took a small step towards.

“You do need people. The loneliness will kill you.”

Ander rolled his eyes. “No. The cancer will.”

The door slammed with a horrible sound yet somehow the silence that followed it was so much worse. Rebe didn’t know what to think. No, she hadn’t known Ander for a long time and they certainly weren’t that close, but part of her felt close to him, nonetheless. They both had been through so much in the past year, almost like they were fighting separate but similar battles side by side. She couldn’t picture Las Encinas without him. She didn’t want to.

She looked at the now empty spot beside her on the floor. Everything happened so quickly. She wanted to help. She wanted to take everything that hurt him and destroy it until it lost everything that made it scary and powerful. She wanted it gone. She wanted to build Ander back into who he was.

  2.

“Your teacher said you missed class,” Azucena said the next day as she rummaged through her purse to find her key to the car. Ander closed his eyes. He couldn’t do this, could he? This can’t actually be his life. How on earth was he going to tell his mother that her only son had leukemia? “Well?” Azucena finally found the key and unlocked the door. “Funny enough Guzman and Polo were gone too.”

“They both hate me, Mama. How many times do I have to tell you?” He opened the passenger door and got in the car. He quickly buckled his seatbelt and sighed as he leaned his head against the window.

“Then where were you?”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“Ander, don’t do that. It matters to me.”

“I just skipped, okay? I was stressed and I just couldn’t deal today.”

She took a deep breath and started the car. “What can I do, Carino?”

“Nothing, Mama,” he grumbled. He wanted nothing more than to disappear into nothingness. Then he wouldn’t have to hurt her.

The rest of the ride home was silent. Ander felt a tension like he had never felt with another person before, and he knew his mother could feel it, too. Would he feel this tense for the rest of his life? No one told him how one was supposed to feel when they find out they have cancer, but Ander could sense that it wasn’t this.

When they arrived home, Azucena turned off the car and sat for a moment. “You can tell me anything, you know.”

“I know, Mama,” he nodded.

She pressed a small kiss to the top of his head and grabbed her purse before getting out of the car. When she was halfway to the door, Ander finally found it in him to speak.

“I wasn’t stressed,” he shook his head. He looked down at the small stone between them; he couldn’t bear to look her in the eye. “I mean, I was, but not about school.”

“What are you stressed about?” she placed a hand on his shoulder and led him to sit on the small bench outside the kitchen window.

“Omar and I were…” he trailed off. Fuck. How was he going to do this? “I found a lump and…I missed class because I went to the doctor and…I…I have leukemia, Mama.”

She gasped softly. She always overprepared for everything and yet, Ander knew that no part of her ever prepared to hear those words come out of his mouth. “Ander,” she spoke softly through her tears. “Oh, Carino.”

He placed an arm around her shoulders as she began to cry harder. Neither spoke for a moment. Azucena turned away. “I’m sorry,” she let out a breath as she began to regain her composure.

“I’m going to make it, right?” he said softly, trying desperately to somehow make the situation better.

“Well, of course you are,” she turned to her son, trying just as desperately to convince him as she was herself.

  3.

Tell him.

His mother’s voice echoed in his ears like an endless alarm he could never turn off.

Ander stared at the door, but didn’t dare go in. He couldn’t go through the pain of telling another person. Saying those dreadful words once was enough to destroy him. Twice was somehow worse and turned his insides even more. He couldn’t bear to say it again-and to tell Omar of all people would probably be the hardest thing he’ll do in his life.

Part of him wished he had stayed strong and didn’t tell Rebe. Maybe he could have handled everything on his own. He was exhausted by it all already. Too many pitying looks. Too many half-hearted, uncertain you’ll make its. Too many people knowing. He just wanted to let it all go.

But he couldn’t keep a secret from Omar again; it just about killed him the last time. It ate away at him, destroying his soul and parts of Omar’s in the process.

Ander finally found it in himself to stand up. His thoughts battling themselves the entire time it took him to place his hand on the doorknob, turn it, and open the door. As soon as his foot hit the hardwood floor of the living room, Omar’s head perked up.

“Is everything okay?” Panic was evident in his voice. He didn’t even know, and he was worried. Ander thought he was scared to tell his mother, but telling his boyfriend was a different kind of terror. He wished Omar could just know without Ander having to tell him.

Then it hit him, Ander couldn’t go through seeing Omar’s fearful face every day. He didn’t want Omar to waste his life worrying. Omar has to know Ander decided. He can know, but he can’t stay. It’s for his own good.

“What’s wrong? Is your mom okay?”

“Yeah, but,” Ander paused, “I’m not.”

“What do you mean?”

Time to rip of the band-aid Ander thought as the dreadful words spilled off his lips again. “I have leukemia.”

Omar felt his whole world shift. After Ander confessed that he knew what Polo did, Omar only wanted to protect Ander. Omar wanted a shield to ward off all his evils. This was one Omar couldn’t stop.

46 + 23 with reddie???

“What’s cooking, good looking?” “Dance with me.”

Eddie grit his teeth against the pull and stretch of his thighs, bending at his waist so he could wrap both hands around the bottom of his foot. He kept his breath even as he counted, pushing further slowly into the stretch even though his body cried out against the strain.

1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...10

He let go, sitting back up with a sigh, and looked down at his worn ballet shoes. He needed to get new ones, the leather pads on the bottom had started to become too soft and he had to really work not to slip, but the idea of breaking in a new pair of shoes right before the big show seemed like so much work.

Eddie glanced at the clock on the wall, frowning when his scene partner still wasn’t there. God, how Richie thought he could be in one of the most prestigious dance companies in the United States and yet have no discipline was beyond Eddie. That’s what pure talent is like everyone whispered, but it drove Eddie insane. Eddie had ballet in his blood, both parents being famous dancers, he grew up immersed in everything ballet. He worked tirelessly to make sure he was one of the best male dancers there, just like his father had been, but then came Richie Tozier who hadn’t even gone to school for dance and blew everyone away.

It also didn’t help that since that one heated moment during rehearsals, Eddie hadn’t been able to stop fantasizing about the other.

Just then the doors banged open and Richie waltzed in, not even in his dance attire, but in track pants a large sweatshirt and tennis shoes. “What’s cooking, good looking?”

Eddie scowled, the man’s long curly hair pulled into a messy bun and he hated that he thought it was fucking sexy. “You’re eighteen minutes late.”

“Ah, sorry!” Richie laughed, throwing his duffel bag to the side of the room where the wall of mirrors were. “Had a crazy night last night so I’m a bit hungover.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Eddie snapped, standing up so he could be more threatening.

“Chill out, beautiful.” Richie replied easily, pulling his sweatshirt up and over his head to reveal one of the many black band shirts he always wore during practice. Eddie tried not to look as the shirt lifted up a bit and showed off a bit of Richie’s flat toned stomach. “I’ll still be able to sweep you off your tiny little feet no problem.”

“My feet aren’t tiny.” Eddie bit out as Richie took off his shoes and pulled off his track pants, leggings and dancers belt already on under them. “And why aren’t you wearing something closer to your costume?”

“Calm down.” Richie muttered. “I know how to dance in that thing fine, it’s just a pair of long loose pants. It’s cold out today so I needed to layer.”

Eddie watched as Richie wiggles and flexed his bare feet, the scene actually calling for both of them to be barefooted but Eddie had practice for another scene right after this so he just kept his shoes on. He watched as Richie did a few stretches, not nearly as much as Eddie did, before he clapped his hands together. “Alright! Let’s do this!”

Eddie rolled his eyes as Richie moved to the sound systems remote and turned on their piece, then held out his hand to the shorter man. “Come on, My Pan. Come dance with me, your King.”

Eddie frowned, then at the right point in music ran straight for Richie and jumped, Richie catching him effortlessly with his hands around Eddie’s hips as he lifted Eddie up in the air.

Eddie hated Richie, but he loved how the man made him feel like he was flying.

taglist: @tinyarmedtrex @oldguybones @richardtoz @thorn-harvester-ven @appojoos @pink-psychic @eddiefuckinkaspbrak @eduardoandale @moonlightrichie @thundercatseddie @lifesucksheres20bucks @madi-personal​ @nancynwheeler​ @geckolover001​ @kaspwitch​ @queen-sock​ @constantreaderfool​ @deadlighten​ @marsisaplanetyall

Kingdom Hearts 1: Aimi's Quest

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12841256/1/Kingdom-Hearts-Aimi-s-Quest

Chapter 2: Destruction

“Why if it isn’t tomato face?” This was the first thing Aimi heard when she set foot on the main islands. She knew exactly who it came from and turned around to see the trio of bullies.

It was Jay, Ryan and Aki who were all 16 years old. They were the 3 boys who made her childhood a pain; they would always call her names, bully her and even beat her up. Out of everyone, Riku was the only person to defend her and got beaten up too. However, the bullying never stopped. The older she got the more they bullied her.

Jay had had sandy blonde hair styled in a comb over, slightly tanned skin, light green eyes, chiselled jawline and was 6ft tall with a muscular build. Ryan had black wavy chin length hair, pale skin, icy blue eyes and was 5ft 10in with a slender build. And Aki had brown messy light brown hair, fair skin, brown eyes and was also 5ft 10in with a slim build.

“That’s really getting old.” Aimi huffed.

“Old but gold.” Ryan stated.

“Just stop with the names, already. It’s been 10 years.” She growled.

“What are you gonna do about it, huh?” Aki asked with his hands on his hips and they walked closer to her. “Who are going to tell? No one because no one cares.”

“Someday, you’re gonna regret everything you’ve done to me, all of you!” Aimi exclaimed and they all smirked.

“Aw, the little girl thinks she’s strong enough to take on all three of us.” Jay snickered and pushed her towards Ryan.

“You’re always gonna be weak, don’t forget it.” He pulled on her hair so roughly that he pulled her hair band out. He pushed her towards Aki who grabbed her by the wrist tightly.

“What’s wrong? Riku’s not here to stand up for you? Pfft, typical Aimi needing a boy to defend her because she’s too weak.” The brown haired teen taunted.

“I’ll make you all regret the words you say to me. I’ll make you regret whatever you’ve done to me.” She threatened.

Aki kicked the redhead hard on the stomach and she fell down on her side. They all began laughing and Jay even went as far to kick her in the back. She shrieked with pain as tears formed in her green eyes.

“Why…” She cried quietly.

“Aw the tomato is starting to cry!” Ryan exclaimed.

“Why don’t you all just leave me alone?!” She yelled, grabbing some sand in her hand and throwing it at them.

Just as they were about to move in on her to beat her up, they felt the ground beneath them shake like an earthquake. They heard thunder in the distance and when Aimi looked up at the play islands her eyes widened and she felt her heart stop. The young woman stood up and watched the dark clouds hover over the play islands and there was a bright ball of red and orange energy up in the dark sky. This triggered a memory and she could see it clearly.

[I]"You won't need a home anymore where you're going." Master Xehanort smirked.

[I]"What?" Terra asked as he looked around. "Xehanort." But the old man left.

[I]The brown haired teen turned to the little girl who was looking around with teary eyes. He ran to her and picked her up. They watched as the Castle was breaking but Terra tried to make the little girl not look. The ground beneath them was breaking and she held tighter onto him.

[I]"Aimi, don't be scared." He whispered with tears falling down his cheeks. He kissed her forehead and smiled at her. "I know that you will become so strong in the future. I love you."

[I]"I love you too, Terra." She said and kissed his cheek.

He summoned his Keyblade Glider and held onto Aimi tightly. He started to glide and she looked at what remained of the Land of Departure.

She was far too young back then to do anything. She couldn’t save Eraqus, she couldn’t stop Xehanort, she couldn’t save Terra, Aqua and Ven and she couldn’t stop her home from being destroyed. She couldn’t do anything back then. But now, she was watching her home about to go through the same thing. She knew in her heart that the darkness was about to swallow up this world.

Her eyes stung with tears and her breathing was short and heavy. Beads of sweat trickled down her neck and forehead as she gripped onto her shaking fist. For some odd reason she felt like Xehanort was behind all this.

However Aimi brushed away most of the fear in her heart as she grinded her teeth together. There was no way she was going to let what happened to the Land of Departure repeat. She was old and strong enough now to save this world and protect her loved ones.

“Come on we need to go!” Eli yelled whilst grabbing her arm.

“No, I’m going to the play islands.” Aimi replied calmly.

“Are you crazy?!” Ryan asked.

“We’re supposed to be running away from danger, not towards it!” Aki exclaimed.

“I lost my home worlds twice I’m not gonna lose this one!” She raised her voice and they all stared at her with shock. “Riku is still on the play islands. I need to save him and find a way to fix all this! In your eyes I’m nothing but a weak girl. But would a weak girl risk her own life for the safety of the people here and the islands? Now you can run away if you want or you can help me get back there!”

“Fine. Come on, let’s go.” Eli huffed and the trio of boys got out a boat. “We can ride a boat faster than anyone on the island so you better not slow us down.”

They got onto a boat and each person grabbed an oar. Together they all rowed in synchronisation. They were halfway there, but the winds grew stronger and the waves were becoming fiercer. The more they rowed the more they were pushed back by the wind.

“It’s no use!” Ryan shouted.

“No!” She yelled as they stopped rowing. The young woman turned to them with tears falling down her cheeks. “I’m not giving up.”

“We can’t row. There’s nothing you can do now!” Aki yelled.

“You’re wrong!” She screamed back. “I will never give up, not on Riku, not on this world and certainly not on the people in it!”

Aimi stood up and jumped into the water.

“AIMI!” The trio yelled after her and her head popped out of the water, as she whipped her hair back. The young woman looked back at them who stared her like she was completely mad. She gave them a brave smile with a thumbs up, turned around and began swimming as fast as she could in the direction of the play island. Lucky for her she was the fastest swimmer on the islands.

Within 5 minutes, she got to the island and was panting when she crawled onto the shore. She was drenched from the water and shivering because of how cold it was but that didn’t stop her. Aimi turned to the mini island to see Riku standing there. The young woman stood to her feet and began sprinting across the beach. But halfway there, something popped up from the ground which made her stop. It was these small black creatures creature with antennae, yellow beady eyes, and claws and there were 15 of them.

“Get out of my way!” Aimi shouted but they didn’t listen.

One of them jumped towards her and she held out her hand in defense. There was a flash of light and her Keyblade appeared in her hand. But then she felt the weight of the Keyblade kick in. It was extremely heavy but she could still lift it up a little.

“Are you serious?!” She yelled with frustration.

Aimi used both hands and all her strength to lift it up higher and swing it towards the Heartless. It took around 2-3 swings for them to disappear but she was struggling because of the weight of the weapon. It took her a while to defeat the rest and then more appeared in her path.

“Screw this, I don’t have time!” Aimi exclaimed and ran past them as her Keyblade appeared.

She reached the Seaside Shack and just as she jumped and gripped onto the roof, she felt one of those monsters jump onto her back, attempting to pull her down. The young woman felt more jumping onto her back and their claws digging into her arms. The redhead kept on pulling herself up and she managed to climb onto the roof. She shook the monsters off her back and ran towards Riku.

“Riku!” She yelled.

“The door…” He turned around and held his hand up for her. “…is open!”

“What?” She asked.

“Once we step through, we might not be able to come back. We may never see our family again. There's no turning back. But this may be our only chance.” She couldn’t believe what was coming out of his mouth. “We can't let fear stop us! I’m not afraid of the darkness!”

“No this isn’t the way!” She shouted. “I’ve lost both my home worlds to the darkness, I don’t want this to happen to Destiny Islands.”

“Didn’t you want to find your home world and find your friends?” He asked and she gripped onto her fist.

“Not like this, Riku.” Aimi replied.

“It’s too late, Aimi. The door is open and we’re finally free.” He stated and she shook her head.

For some reason she could feel darkness from him. It was a bit similar to the darkness from Terra when she watched him fight Aqua in the Land of Departure.

“T-Terra…” She mumbled silently yet woefully as a tear fell down her cheek. “No, I won’t lose you to the darkness too! Riku!”

The winds were getting stronger and the young woman turned to see the raft flying Riku’s way. She knew it was gonna hit him and cause him some injuries. So she ran towards him, pushed him back and instead of falling on top of him to avoid the raft, she got hit herself. The young woman shrieked and was caught by the wind. The wind was growing violent and the silver haired teen managed to grab his best friend’s hand. He held onto it tightly but her hand was slowly slipping away.

“Don’t let go!” He exclaimed.

“I can’t hold on!” She cried as her hand slipped away. “Riku!” She cried as the tears fell down her cheeks. He tried pulling her back with both hands but the winds were far too strong.

“I won’t let go of you!” He screamed.

“You have to!” She cried. “It’s…I can’t hold on! Riku, you need to let go!”

“Never!” Riku barked back but his hand slipped away from hers. “NO! AIMI!”

The silver haired man tried to reach out for her hand but it was too late. Aimi was swept away by the violent wind. Aimi’s vision was becoming blurry and she could feel her consciousness beginning to slip away. She closed her green eyes, let go of her attempts to stay conscious and the last thing she saw was a flash of bright warm light which was like a blanket wrapped around her for safety.

The best man's speech: our guide to getting it right (and ten emergency jokes)

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The best man's speech: our guide to getting it right (and ten emergency jokes)

The best man’s speech. A watershed moment at any wedding. Highly anticipated and if done well, could be talked about for years to come.

So no pressure then.

If you’re reading this it’s a fair bet that you’ve been given the honour of delivering a speech which is not only expected to be funny, but heartfelt and family friendly too. Writing toasts and speaking in public are not skills that come easily to everyone, so if you’re feeling anxious about it, you’re not alone.

James Evans, a public speaking coach and stand-up comedian, works with best men who need a bit of help honing their abilities. While he reminds clients that their audience is a room full of well wishers, he says a few well-used public speaking techniques can help to really wow the crowd. “Stand-up taught me a lot about the importance of pacing and pausing,” he says. “When put to good effect in a speech the results can be staggering.” 

This is not the expression you want to see on the bride’s face Credit: Getty

Some Dos and Don’ts to get you started:

Do remember your audience. There are grannies and great aunts out there. They do not need to know about the groom’s bedroom preferences or that time he did that thing that was illegal but ‘hilarious’.

Simon Bucknall, a world renowned public speaking coach and author of the book, BEST MAN SPEAKER: The Definitive Guide, couldn’t agree more. “From my experience, no best man ever gave a great speech by making the friends laugh and the bride’s parents cry,” he says. “If you delight the parents of the bride as the best man, you will win the day.”

Do be affectionate. It’s not all about gags and giving the groom a roast. Share how much he means to you and some examples of his stellar qualities, as well as how many times you’ve been drunk together.

Do start writing the speech well in advance. Completely off-the-cuff rarely works.

Don’t get drunk beforehand. Sorry guys, boring but essential.

Don’t forget to practice, practice, practice.

Don’t be mean spirited. Any jokes at the expense of the couple should come from a place of friendship and warmth.

Public speaking coach, Simon Bucknall tells best men to delight the bride’s family rather than make their friends laugh Credit: Simon Bucknall

Structure

There are plenty of best man speech templates on the internet, but if you do want to write your own from scratch and just need some help with what should be included, and in which order, then read on…

1. Start by introducing yourself and how you know the groom, then thank the hosts, usually the bride’s parents.

2. According to Debrett’s you should then read out any messages and telegrams from friends and relatives who couldn’t be there.

3. Now you can start telling a few stories about the groom. Keep them lighthearted, funny and of course a little embarrassing. Avoid private jokes that won’t mean much to other guests but feel free to have a bit of fun. “Jot down as many vaguely interesting memories as possible,” says Evans. “How did you meet? What’s a story most people in the room won’t know? What memory showcases your friendship? Get down as  many stories as possible then find a fresh pair of ears to help you sort the funny from the not-so-funny.”​

Bucknall also suggests writing a list of the groom’s qualities, whether good or bad and then choosing the one you really value in him. This should be the anchor of your speech. “A best man’s speech works best when you rib the groom but you’re building towards a serious, heartfelt compliment that is specific to that groom.”

And it’s worth asking other friends for some of their favourite stories about the groom too. It takes the pressure off finding enough content, and by name-checking each contributor you’ll build up good will from the audience.

Friendly embarrassment is fine. Humiliation is not. Credit: Getty

4. In the anecdote section don’t forget to mention the bride. This isn’t an ode to your bromance after all. So pay her some compliments and include some joint stories that put her at the centre of the groom’s life. And we shouldn’t need to reiterate this, but keep things clean. It’s best to avoid starting a newly married couple off with an argument because the best man went on about the groom’s gorgeous ex-girlfriend. Just no mention of ex-girlfriends at all please. 

5. End on a toast to the new ‘Mr and Mrs …….’

6. Check if you’ll be introducing another speaker or the cutting of the cake and make sure you include this at the end so the wedding runs smoothly.

Tips for the nervous Best Man

Even if you’ve written what you think will be a great speech, if you’re not used to public speaking then the thought of the actual delivery will no doubt be causing you a few cold sweats and wakeful nights.

But don’t despair. You can do this. With the help of Evans you can definitely do this. Here are his top tips.

1. Practice reading your speech out loud. Get familiar with actually saying the words on the page or extrapolating from your bullet points. It’s much less daunting when you’ve given the speech twenty times before, even if just in front of a mirror.

2. On the day arrive early and familiarise yourself with the venue.

3. Remember to breathe both before and during the speech.

4. Bring a copy of your speech even if you think you’ve memorised it.

5. If anything goes wrong, laugh it off; you’ll kill the tension in the room and the audience will do the same. Remember, this isn’t a stand-up set at the comedy store, it’s a room literally packed with well-wishers!

6. If you really want to make a splash, hire a one-to-one public speaking coach.

You can do this Credit: Getty

Ten tried and tested jokes

We’re not talking about shoving in a Knock Knock  joke that doesn’t have any relevance to anything, but there are a few ways to find funny material. Self deprecation goes a long way and while this speech is not about you, admitting to nerves or the overwhelming expectation that you’ll be funny, will create empathy in the other guests. We guarantee they’re all thrilled it’s you up there and not them, so build on that good will.

And if something sweet, funny or emotional happened at the ceremony then make reference to it at the start of your speech. It’s a mini bonding experience and your words will sound more natural, even if you’ve rehearsed the rest of the speech to perfection. 

Comedian and public speaking coach, James Evans says you should let your own humour shine through Credit: James Evans

While it can be tempting to copy and paste some gags you’ve read or heard elsewhere, Evans encourages his clients to be themselves. “One-liners can come across as a bit cheesy,” he says. “But the one I always keep in my back pocket is ‘Sorry, this went a lot better in the mirror earlier.’ It’s good to have something ready to fill the silence if things go wrong. Other than that it’s better to let your own sense of humour shine through.”

Bucknall is even stronger on this point and believes taking jokes off the internet is a major mistake. “It’s absolute sacrilege,” he says. “If there’s one time when a speech deserves to be personal to the occasion, it’s a wedding. Cutting and pasting material and jokes is just horrific. Don’t take stuff off the internet.”

Consider yourself told. But if you’re still really struggling then we’ve collated ten wedding friendly jokes and opening lines that will guarantee you a few laughs and get you off to a flying start.

1. “Right, I’d just like to start by laying down a couple of rules. Firstly, if you do have a mobile phone… please, leave it switched on; keep yourselves entertained. And secondly, if anyone texts you any good jokes, could you please forward them to me?” – Hitched.co.uk

2. “I just heard there was a lucrative pool on the length of the Best Man’s speech. I put my money on 40 minutes, so settle in…” – Smartgroom.com

3. “I did ask for a microphone but they wouldn’t give me one. So the people at the back, the silence from the guys at the front should reassure you that you’re not missing out on anything.” – Hitched.co.uk

4. “(name of bride), you are an amazing woman who deserves a wonderful husband. And I promise you I won’t rest until I get to the bottom of what’s gone wrong here.” – Scottishweddingdirectory.co.uk

5. “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I have no problem admitting to you all that I’m extremely nervous right now. And as the people sitting near the front of the room can attest, it is actually possible to smell fear.” – Smartgroom.com

6. “For anyone itching to hit the dance floor, the band will start shortly after the final toast. Which reminds me, 20 years ago, (name of groom) was told by a doctor that he would never dance normally again. When the band starts, you’ll see exactly what that specialist was talking about.” – Smartgroom.com

7. “I didn’t really know where to start so I thought I’d trawl the internet. After a couple of hours I‘d found some really, really good stuff.  But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech.” – Scottishweddingdirectory.co.uk

8. “Hello, I’m (insert your name) and I’m here to tell you all about (groom’s name) and how wonderful, handsome and…sorry, mate, I can’t read your writing.” – Hitched.co.uk

9. “To be very honest with you all, I am slightly nervous making this speech in front of a packed room. All day, people have been wishing me good luck and someone even gave me flowers. Well, when I say ‘flowers,’ I mean ‘a wreath’…” – Smartgroom.com

10. “My parents always told me that if I had nothing good to say about someone, I should just be quiet *sit down*.” – Smartgroom.com

Fresh Listen - Various Artists, Si, Para Usted: The Funky Beats of Revolutionary Cuba, Vol. 1 (Light in the Attic, 2010)

(Some pieces of recorded music operate more like organisms than records. They live, they breathe, they reproduce. Fresh Listen is a weekly review of recently and not so recently released albums that crawl among us like radioactive spiders, gifting us with superpowers from their stingers.)

A piece of music rarely comes across to me as greater with repetition. Beautiful music tackles you, jars you, arrests you. It does not require you to have coffee with it to get to know it better. Beautiful music compels a visceral reaction upon first listen. Nevertheless, repeated engagement with albums sometimes can provide insight, especially when it sets within you an unfamiliar vibration.

Critics will sometimes go on about how many times they listened to a particular record, in an effort to make their endeavors appear as real work. I like to think that multiple, befuddled listens may bring one closer to identifying a thematic or musical through line in a long-playing audio recording, perhaps only to pinpoint some buried layer of appeal or pleasure. Perhaps to reveal an artists’ secret message in all of its intricacies, delivered only to the listener at hand who has the heart to surrender.

When your average modern rock fan walks cold into the middle of John Coltrane’s A Love Supreme, they may find themselves mystified, adrift. Musicians squawking at one another, in alternating solos, in an alien language several steps removed from traditional chord changes and instrumental melody lines. The magic, for the listener, may not be apparent the first time around. But A Love Supreme rewards, and continues to reward, multiple revolutions over time, multiple experiences. Regardless of the sophisticated architecture of A Love Supreme, the music, being in itself a supplicant’s devotional, is not a frozen piece of art designed to be admired--it exists to be comprehensible to everyone, to be related to less as a jazz masterpiece than as a life force with a bloodstream of bass notes, hopes manifest in full-fingered piano chords flung upon the rapid progression of time, the single wailing question “Why? Why? Why?” metamorphosed concurrently into keening saxophone notes of pressure and air.  

While some pieces of music will hit you on the head with a blackjack and proceed to rob you blind, there exist other more complex expressions that require patience and substantial metaphysical dream power in exchange for an album’s  worth of transcendence.

Given that the compilation record Si, Para Usted is composed of the work of artists from Cuba, I had no immediate affinity with the music beyond a recognition of electric guitars and disco beats. I had to grapple with what was being communicated to me, since I’m less than familiar with the Spanish language and would not be parsing the lyrics for thematic interpretations. I am equally green to the most basic Cuban/Latin musical aesthetics (though I have been, many times, moved by them). Beyond this collection propelling me into a raving dance frenzy, I thought I might delude myself into understanding how some of these songs worked on a universal level (through my primitive filter of British/American rock-based music), what the songs themselves were referencing, and what an album like this could mean to an American listener with a moderate grasp of Cuban history and politics, though zero grasp of its language and arts.

I can only go partway toward explaining why I think Si, Para Usted is a nifty collection full of sonic surprises and a ceaseless rhythm that defies you to experience it stationary, without surrendering to the organic energy of your body in sync with the perpetual beating of drums, cajon, congas, and cowbells. Suffice it to say it is among the most natural marriages of rock music and dance music, a favored expression among many indie bands today that is generally unsuccessful.

My first question, formulated while the horns and guitars blasted through my ear buds on the King Street bike lane while my pedals, their resistance lifted by the music, turned effortlessly underneath me, was “how did they determine the songs for inclusion on this record?” In his experiential and exceedingly sensible Uproot: Travels in 21st Century Music and Digital Culture, Jace Clayton casts a suspicious eye on “world” music that has found some popularity in the United States. Clayton argues (and here I would quote the author if I did not press the book onto a friend) that international artists popular in the West are sometimes neither popular nor representative of the musical environment in their home countries. The reason for their notoriety in the West has to do with the narrow grasp Americans and Europeans have of the music forms of other countries, or a predetermined aesthetic that non-Western artists either consciously or unconsciously incorporate into their music that translates easier to the expectations of the Western listener.

When I consider how Si, Para Usted was curated, I wonder about the through line that ties these selections together. Are they all, as the title suggests, “funky?” (Primarily so, though there are some pieces, especially near the end, that exude “funk” not in their rhythms and basslines, but through a timeless kind of strangeness). Have they all to do with the revolutionary messaging of the Cuban state apparatus? (No, given that several of these tunes are instrumental, and those with lyrics don’t espouse explicitly Communist beliefs). I myself assume that choices were made--and wisely so-- to provide the American listener a survey of popular Cuban dance music over a period of years, with especial emphasis on effects-laden electric guitars over smooth basslines, hovering above the scummy confines of rock and roll by a percussive sophistication that challenges our samba-deficient sensibilities. On Si, Para Usted, an angular experiment like “Sondeando” can coexist with a straightforward disco number like “Con la Luz del Manana .”

Fortunately, not all the songs on Si, Para Usted reflect the neutered production values of dancefloor-ready “ Con la Luz.” The collection kicks off with the seemingly lazy horn riff of “Son a Propulsion,” before the insistency of an electric guitar carries the simple arrangement to some dark funk playland, its shadows enhanced by a noir-ish 70′s soul progression. The forceful, almost intimidating energy of “Bacalao Con Pan” is the result of its layered, heavy rhythms battling for sonic supremacy of the track against chanting back-up vocalists spurring on--enraging, almost--the sweaty yells of the lead singer, who commands as much as persuades. In contrast, fleet drums allow “Y No le Conviene” to sneak up on the listener like a pickpocket, and the track’s equally covert strings suggest rock classic “Inna Gadda Da Vida” alongside a prominent bass.

Except for “Amor Mio,” a love song in Spanish not so congruently shoehorned into a soul-funk arrangement, the collection is heavy on beats and light on melody. "De la Fiesta Mejor," maniacally driven by what seems to be an amphetamine-fuelled obsession, is a race between instruments to oblivion. Composed of one chord, its late key modulation does not carry the proceedings to a higher level, but squeezes them closer to total chaos. The title track, "Si Para Usted" doesn't strike me as one of the stand-out recordings. I wonder if the secret to the song is some lyrical content I can't, in my ignorance, comprehend. The English translation of "si, para usted" is "if for you," a meaning that to me seems equally cryptic. "Rompe Cocorico" revisits the single chord non-progression, the chord stabbed repeatedly by a clav figure, punctuated by laser beam synths. "Baila Ven Y Baila," with its shouted choruses and guttural spoken verses, is the overseas cousin to "Mongoose" by New York psychedelic band Elephant's Memory, split in the middle by an extended wah solo.

The last batch of songs on Si, Para Usted are the most musically diverse. Here the Latin rhythm conventions function as a step into another kind of music altogether. "Pocito 11," which begins with a deceptively simple cowbell tattoo, evolves rapidly into a kind of sharp, precise jazz, harmonic complexity modulated by swift changes. "El Tino" is the aural equivalent of a nocturnal adventure along the lines of Joe Jackson's "Steppin' Out." Slowly building horns and keyboard pattern pull the night down over the city--and the streetlights, the window lights, are ensconced in mystery.

"Sondeando," its rough sonic texture the result of an aged tape or bad mastering, is red meat for listeners like me--its hazy production emphasizes its exotic spark, its flutes evocative of a fantasy space that exists in Cuba and simultaneously exists all over the world, that headspace into which we all retreat to remind ourselves of the magic.

The final track, "Casina Y Epidecus," suggests a shining temple slowly revealed in a clearing after a long jungle journey, sitars and chimes in concert with the dawning dread and ecstasy, the somewhat menacing sounds overcome by the god-like voice of an omniscient narrator. Her secret and its meaning is lost as the album reaches its end.

Si, Para Usted is not necessarily a dance record. It doesn't rock particularly hard. It's not rich with hooks and catchy choruses. it isn't practical--it strains against expectations, it doesn't apply to a strict category of music. What makes the record so remarkable is its humanity. The musicians here, distilling their inspirations into Latin-accented funk rock, impart upon the listener the happy message that if you step out of your comfort zone and pay attention closely, you will find in the alien the universal, and that the heart of music will beat through any instrument at hand.  

In IT and IT service management (ITSM), we’re often aware of the issues that cause us pain, or at least the symptoms of the issues. For instance, that:  IT engineers are working long hours and overtime, causing stress and burnout. The business still suffers from change “big bangs” even with a change management team and a weekly change advisory board (CAB) in place. IT support is lurching from crisis to crisis – Priority 1 incidents have reduced but complexity has increased causing more stress and downtime for the business. IT suppliers are still not integrated into the corporate ITSM system and it adversely impacts service delivery and support. There’s still no management dashboard showing the state of the IT estate – be it critical events, or governance, risk, and compliance (GRC). A little like continuing to suffer with incidents because of a lack of incident management investment, IT departments can’t see that taking the time to get to the root of their issues is what is needed, not applying Band-Aids that involve support staff working 25-hours overtime each weekend. Isolating the Common Themes  Of course, there are probably more, but here are five of the most common root causes of IT issues: 1. Service ignorance. No-one in the IT organization actually knows what services they provide to the business. 2. Increasing complexity from multiple and ageing systems. Where less than a handful of people truly understand how the services, systems, applications, and infrastructure hang together. 3. Insufficient technical know-how in service management. There’s a whole department of IT people dedicated to service management and ITIL processes who are not “technical” enough to truly understand certain business-impacting issues. 4. Outsourcing with multiple suppliers – service integration and management (SIAM). This theme deserves its own blog but here are a few common issues:  a. Poor vendor contracts, constructed by sales and commercial people with little understanding of the mechanics of IT. b. Transitions are done at such speed, to make a sale, that there’s little to no due diligence being performed. The “bottom dollar” contract might win without said vendor being allowed to look “under the hood.” And many enterprise IT organizations are undocumented let alone structured enough to meet the needs of the enterprise. The transition thus is largely a disaster. c. Tacit technical knowledge walks out of the door – as much as we dislike the typical grumpy engineer, they actually know how the undocumented system hangs together and they cannot be replaced as easily as one might think. d. Supplier low skilled and leveraged staff – typically it’s the use of unskilled staff with the few assigned supplier “experts” leveraged to the max, meaning that your organization struggles to get the expertise and “bang for bucks” required. 5. Reporting for reporting’s sake. Where report after report talks of services that are green and meeting SLAs, but the reality is that they’re bleeding red. Let’s attack each of these themes in turn.  Understanding What IT Services You Provide as an OrganizationThis is the basic tenet of your existence in the business.   The issue here is that IT people will say that the business should know what business functions and processes they undertake daily. But the reality is often that the business doesn’t know its processes and almost all of these processes rely on IT. So, you can go blue in the face telling them that it’s “their” problem or you can work with them to get that understanding in place.  You also need to understand that a chasm exists between IT and the business, it always has and always will. And it’s your mission to start to bridge that gap. Employ service owners that own, and are accountable for, the service end–to-end, from IT user to the back-end storage. Ensure that they understand this and, if they regularly blame someone else, find someone else for the role. A healthy exercise to achieve this is a series of critical process workshops which can also form part of the businesses impact analysis for business continuity. Get the critical functions of the business mapped out, and only then can you see how IT services meet those business functions.    Increasing Complexity from Multiple and Ageing SystemsMoney is often the root of all evil in IT problems, with almost all enterprises suffering from legacy and massively complex interwoven systems built on top of each other that never saw the project to replace them come to fruition.  There are two core basics that you must perform well to deal with this – configuration management and event management:  Configuration management – understand what you’re dealing with, how does it all hang together? What talks to what? Where does it live? How do you drive it? How do you put it back together again? Document it, record it. You should have a configuration management database (CMDB) that’s at least 95% correct. If you don’t know what you’re managing, then you’re asking for trouble. It also encompasses knowledge management such as builds, operations manuals and standard operating procedures, solution architecture documents, and disaster recovery documents. It can be automated discovery or manual, and it can be in Word documents and spreadsheets or ITSM tools. It doesn’t matter, just get it documented and the relationships mapped. Event management – what is your event management process? How do your event detection and logging systems support the process? What monitoring systems do you have in place? There should be a level of information running through your IT organization for analysis which helps you to detect, respond, and get proactive around events. If you’re not aware of an event in a system, then you cannot respond to it. It snowballs and typically ends up as a Priority 1 event. If you have the correct event detection systems in place, then you can get on top of it more easily, reducing risk. Once the configuration activities are in place, you should be ensuring logs and monitoring are in place for every critical process that support systems. Someone (in your IT teams) should then be using that data daily to understand the health of those systems. A Whole Department of People Dedicated to Service Management Who Aren’t “Technical”We’ve created a “cottage industry” in IT for people to tell us that they aren’t technical at every opportunity. These are potentially the same people chairing your CAB and approving change – is it any wonder that IT changes still manage to regularly interrupt service? And if service management folk cannot understand what technical people are saying to them, then what chance does the business have? We must ensure that everyone in our IT organization has basic competency in what IT provide. So, run workshops from your technical leads to walk service management and process people through how your IT systems work. Even better, show the whole organization.  Allow the time for these activities – learning and understanding your systems is more important than fighting fires. And instead of people just saying that they’re not technical, teach and empower them how to ask a question if they don’t understand something. It could be important to know.  Outsourcing with Multiple Suppliers This can be a rather emotive topic for people in IT because IT-outsource suppliers have come in and   taken peoples jobs – these were past colleagues and friends. It’s up for debate whether they’re better or worse but remember that it’s often all down to money and that the “bean counters” like cheap and that you get what you pay for. In the suppliers’ defense, enterprise systems are often not in a fantastic state and are undocumented, unwieldy, complex beasts. And, the transition to an outsourced or SIAM way of working provides only a short period of time to fully understand about the systems. If suppliers are running an “IT bodyshop” – where they fulfil the contract with low skilled, highly leveraged staff and there are few technical experts that know what they’re doing – then recognize this and apply it to the service you’re receiving. Demand that you have technical expert presence on site and find space for them – otherwise conference calls where you’re driving outsourced engineers will drive you nuts. It’s too easy for the IT organization to blame the supplier when something goes wrong. Don’t do this. You’re the IT organization and you employ the supplier on behalf of the business, and thus it’s your duty to employ frameworks and methods to ensure that the supplier is governed, is compliant, and manages risk in line with your business’ tolerance. You are the ultimate service integrator – if the supplier is poor, then you have allowed them to be poor. With regards to the contract, you can blame the sales people that have sailed off into the sunset or you can fix the situation. Dig the contract out and refine it to reflect today’s business needs, or you can just carry on moaning about it.  Reporting for Reporting’s Sake.If no one reads and takes any actions from a report, then bin it. The reality behind a report telling the reader that everything is okay is not okay. You need trusted, competent people to report on the reality, and quality versus quantity is key here. There’s often a mad notion that because you’ve lots of pretty reports that you’re running a sound IT organization. However, the more irrelevant the reporting the more likely the size of the mess underneath. Then is service level agreement (SLA) reporting a waste of time? There’s the daily discussion on how long an IT system was down or degraded for, but why? The business knows exactly how long it was down for. It’s become somewhat of an obsession for IT managers to penalize suppliers rather than actually fixing the root causes of the events destroying SLAs. So, set up automated reporting to produce your true SLA statistics and stop wasting time just talking about them. Strive to make SLAs irrelevant through improvement. For Governance, Risk, and Compliance (GRC) reporting, who is reporting? What are they reporting? Why are they reporting? How are they reporting? If you have 20 risk registers with stuff that hasn’t been actioned for months or even years, ask yourself if they really are risk registers or just to-do lists. You need to be actioning real risk today – don’t leave it. Remember that there’s a difference between operational risk and security risks – many enterprises muddle the two. Ideally you can serve all of this up through your ITSM tool, with dashboards showing perceived risk so that everyone in the organization has a single pane of glass to view the current state. If you don’t currently have it, it should be on the IT organization’s improvement roadmap to create.  How Do You Achieve All This?  Especially while everyone in IT already has their daily workload to contend with.  Here’s my recommendation: Find your star players, who are competent and have the drive to achieve operational excellence.  Sell your vision, show your people that they don’t have to be doing silly hours, on-call, getting burnt out, and living in constant fear of your IT operation. Form a task force to hit your pain points against the above. IT teams need to deliver what the task force requires. This could take 6-12 months of work just to get you to an acceptable level of risk. Remember this is a journey that never ends. So, never stop improving and never stop challenging people or processes that do things because “that’s the way we have always done it.” Good luck. The post 5 Common Issues with Enterprise IT – How Many Do You Recognize? appeared first on ITSM.tools.

https://itsm.tools/2017/07/25/5-common-issues-with-enterprise-it-how-many-do-you-recognize/