#uh. vent in tags probably?
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i still can't believe i'm turning 18 next month...
#leoposting#uh. vent in tags probably?#like. being 18 is meant to be this Big Milestone. something Super Impotant#you are a Legal Adult Now!! whoo!!!#but for me it's just a reminder that if i don't get a job after HS i'm getting kicked out of my house#and even if i do go to college i'm probably gonna have to work to support myself. but i'm permanently exhausted#i don't think i can actually SURVIVE having a job AND having to go to uni at the same time. but i have no choice#being 18 feels more like a death sentence than an actual celebration. i'm going to be alone on my birthday anyway#i'll have ash around for a bit but otherwise? nothing but my cats for company#the adults are going to a concert. i don't really care (we don't get along well) but at the same time it hurts a bit#i guess i'll just. watch a movie. eat takeout. cry a bit probably.#i have school that day too.#i'm not even going to do my normal thing of baking cookies for my birthday probably#i usually give the cookies to my friends. i don't have friends i'd want to give them to this year.#and everyone i would lives in other countries or super far away from me :)#sorry im actually kind of very sad about turning 18 lol
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daily whistlepaw until ah becomes PoV day 1167
I think I finally understand how people feel when around a crush, can't say I enjoy it
#warrior cats#whistlepaw#windclan#medicine cat apprentice#this isn't my first crush lol but this one has had me feel the strongest of feelings (and might be my first genuine crush lol)#the fact I have been building up A Lot of stress for the entire week probably didn't help.#and the fact my stomach hurt is also probably at least partially to explain by the fact I barely ate last night#but MAN seeing my (latest) crush in such a pretty dress and then go on stage and play (a goddess!!!!!!! she's a goddess)#(I already bought tickets to go see the full thing; I will die but I will die happy (I hope))#but yeah I struggled for a good 2 hours to fall asleep and also had stomach weirdness happening the next morning#man it was not fun#(and then she came to sit next to me during class and I had to play it cool (I was too deranged on sleep deprivation to really care about#being my typical brand of weird but I do sometimes feel like an idiot around her and feel guilty because then I fear that she finds me#annoying and will hate me and I will fail this again (losing a friendship over a crush once was not that fun lol) and Traumas don't help#either at all so uh I'm just trying to spend time with her I just always feel a bit worried that I'm annoying her and it's consuming my bra#I do also still feel a little guilty about having this crush; internalized homophobia/issues around sexuality are hard to shake off#and while it's very normal and stuff I never dare to go the entire way when my brain conjures fantasies that are a little too risqué#I just feel guilty man I know I shouldn't but still it fucking sucks in my brain#and god talking about this in therapy would be a mess#I might have to eventually but I don't wanna#anyways; wild vent in the tags aside; yay a whis!
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uhhh ray in a wheelchair cause i’m thinking about getting one for myself cause my cane is not enough
#⸻ ray : visage ✦ rusted cracked & broken : but still standing ˎˊ˗#⸻ ooc : artwork ✦ madness takes the paintbrush & sings ˎˊ˗#uh little vent in tags tw#( i haven’t left my house since my birthday - and before that was only for doctor appointments in months )#( but i have used the scooter at walmart when i did go out and they made me so happy to be independent)#( as well as the wheelchair in the ER i could move without fear of falling )#( i really want to go outside so imma see about getting one ?? )#( probably just a cheap hospital one at a thrift store near me )#( idk if i wanna bother with in insurance ? )#( i am trying to get a walker through them and it’s taking forever to the point i need MORE )#( i am doing physical therapy which helps but also my legs are so weak i can’t even go down my stairs on my own :/ )#( imma ask my PT therapist and my doctor but who knows ? )#( anyway vent over enjoy ray being a dumbass )
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i want so badly to comm someone for art of vodrem but i am Anxious
#mar.txt#oc tag: vodrem#primarily bc like. he has a Lot of inspirations. but one VAGUE inspiration is uh. flesh pedestrians.#ONLY in the 'uncanny，skin doesn't fit right' sort of way but idk im so terrified that like him taking inspiration At All from them is#offensive? i try my best to not be offensive and that's the entire extent of the inspiration but. idk. i don't want to offend or upset ppl#i can't draw nergigante well and i'd love to see the bastard in someone else's art style but. h#vent? ish?#idk i just love vodrem he's one of my favourite ocs but The Anxiety keeps me from even ASKING about comming anyone art of him :(#idk² is my anxiety unreasonable??? probably tbh but ive learned it's better to be safe than sorry#moots is my brain being unreasonable or not i can't tell
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My favourite part about visiting family (from either side of the family tbh)
is the part where you got to basically hide away so you don’t hear your entire family’s issues and politics lol 👍👍👍👍👍🫠🫠🫠🫠👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍
(totally not doing in rn)
#lgbtq#Family am I right?#*sitcom music*#it’s worse because my dad is like yeah I get it#This is a vent but like#don’t take it seriously#idk what else to tag#uh#see any good movies lately#Probably not
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man. do you ever manage to escape the constant dissociative haze that stops you from feeling any emotion and realise exactly how fucked up your situation is (and then ofc your brain goes "oh shit i Can't handle this realisation rn" and immediately throws like 5 extra layers of dissociation on)
#do i have a vent post tag#probably not. and if i do i dont remember it#uh. i guess ill#cptsd#actually traumatised#actuallytraumatised#actuallycptsd#actually cptsd
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by far the wildest take I have seen recently has been "tags are for my organization only, and content creators shouldn't be looking at their tags on tumblr."
Like. okay first of all: cc's are people and they are tumblr users just like anyone else. Expecting them to interact with the site in some weird, circumspect way is ridiculous. Why in the world should someone have to blacklist or avoid the tags for their own work or character?
Second: tags exist in order to find things. On your own personal blog, when reblogging things, they're for organization (and helping your followers block things.) But when you make a post and tag it, that goes into the main tag. That's how tumblr WORKS. (Or at least, is supposed to. Sometimes it's hard to get things into the main tag. That's another issue entirely.) Saying "I tagged it with this person's name but I didn't want them to SEE it" is insane -- if you don't want people interacting (and that! includes! the possibility! of a cc!) then don't maintag it. It's that simple.
I don't know if this is a newbies-don't-get-how-tumblr-works thing or what but if you put something about someone on the internet, they 100% have the right to interact with it, positively, negatively, or otherwise. Especially if you specifically tag them.
#not making this rebloggable because i don't want to have chain arguments with the reblogs#but come on people. this is common sense#and yeah it's about the pearl thing but i didn't want to call anyone out specifically so... whatever#just be grown ups okay? try?#discourse#putting this in the tags because i don't want to make another post and probably no one will see this so i can vent in relative obscurity--#someone's reblogged my og tango post (which someone else added the pearl stuff to)#being all ''uh ACKSHUALLY pearl took down that post so? it doesn't actually matter and stop treating it like a hard boundary''#so you're telling me that this woman expressed a boundary about her character#tumblr -- PREDICTABLY -- jumped down her throat about it#and she FOR SOME REASON decided to take down the post??#that doesn't read as ''she got pressured into shutting up'' to anyone else??#GAH this is so dumb she's a grown woman she can defend herself BUT#this fandom can be garbage sometimes and this is a prime example#''oh she took it back she must be fine with it''#no she took down the post after a bunch of people attacked her over it i'm embarrassed to be seen with these people#AND THEY'RE ON MY DANG POST#...i wonder if I can turn off the reblogs on that version
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vent post pt. 2, the dreaded sequel
#Seven’s Public Diary#vent#vent post#cw vent#cw vent post#okay the ‘never ever wanted to die’ part isn’t exactly true. i just don’t count how i felt from the ages of 12-15 or so#because that was a very strange time where i’m honestly not sure how much of what i felt was even real or honest#and how much of it was really just a kid needing help and expressing it very poorly#but from 15/16 onward or whatever exact age i was when i had my whole ‘oh holy fuck i really really don’t want to die’ crisis/awakening#from then i’ve always been vehemently on the side of life and wanting to live as long as i possibly can#which is interesting because things have done nothing but get exponentially worse and more difficult for me ever since#but smthn shifted in me when i realized Oh Fuck I Actually Want To Live and that desire has yet to be defeated#but anyways enough bragging about how much i don’t want to die lmao#it really does feel like bragging since it’s obvious to me that so many other people don’t feel that way#and i hate that. i wish no one ever had to deal with feeling that bad and death being the only thing their mind jumps to as a solution#sigh. anyways#i regret to inform y’all so i’m making this little announcement in these tags where hopefully no one will even see it lmao#but uh. unfortunately i’ll probably be delaying all of my creative endeavors for the next little bit#until i take care of the pressing real life issues that are weighing me down and until i am in a better environment#that will actually be conducive to my creativity instead of me struggling to make things while also struggling to just. like… live. y’know#and i know it’s not like there’s really anyone out there on the edge of their seat to consume anything i make#but this little announcement is more for myself than anyone else i guess. i have to almost force myself/give myself permission#to stop working on my various projects. and instead work on getting all of my irl ducks in a row. and get to a place where i feel safe(er)#because i’m really working against myself right now. cart before the horse almost.#so caught up in personal projects and future dreams that i’m ignoring the current growing issues in my day to day life#and i’ve done good in the later half of this year at beginning to tackle them one by one#but driving and potentially moving out of things don’t change here are the two biggest ones that i’ve yet to face#so i really have to accept that i need to change those and as a byproduct of that- stop dividing my attention onto so many other things#so my usual snail-pace of writing and video making (even tho the video making has mostly been behind the scenes work thus far)#is going to screech to an almost-halt while i focus on personal stuff. and next year should be much better as a result
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I was at a rave the other day with Her™️ and at one point she jokingly pulled me closer by my collar. Holly fuckkk. Kink unlocked.
#the service top / sub top in me came blaring out in a room of 500 people#god. i wonder what she knows i would let her do to me#she probably has no idea#bruh my life is just an intense slow burn & childhood friends to lovers smut/vent fic#somedys i might make a romance comic based off our interactions but not tell anyond#and then based off my readers reactions to things ill know if ive been delusional the past decade or not#lol part of me considers tagging this fanfiction#uh idk#good things#x
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sorry if i've been quiet, the anxieties have me.
but I have therapy tomorrow :) so hopefully things only go up from here.
#vent (kinda- happy ending) in the tags#filling in spaaace filling in spaaace#uh when i say “quiet” i mean like. in general over the past year#this time last year i was convinced i was going to die- among other things#the fact i'm still here is something i'm thankful for every day#something does not want me alive and every day i'm here is my way of giving whatever the fuck that is the middle finger#i'm here and i'm alive so fucking deal with it#that said; my mental state has been fuuuuuuuucked#also this time last year i was trying to recover from a really traumatic experience that lasted for 9 months#i'm still not recovered from it actually not even fucking close#i'm finally getting to a place where i feel that i can start talking about it (not to randos online tho sorry) but it took ages#but just knowing that the anniversary of it being “over” is coming up is like. doing something to me.#i still have a month- that anniversary is in August but like. shit.#this is why i haven't been uploading art like i used to when i was in the su fandom#i've been drawing slower and less frequently#and the art i do draw i don't always post (which was true even back then i probably only posted half of what I drew)#so i know that- at least back then- people have been worried about my sudden slowing down of artwork. this is why.#that said i've slowly been getting back into it. i actually got the urge to write today while i was at work (tho it faded when i got home)#which is a huge improvement#i am doing better!#the askblog has been helping a lot actually#even if it... does remind me of a different time (before everything went to shit). but like i think that's *why* it helps y'know?#but it also gives me a lot of anxiety so i can't do it all the time#my anxiety in general has gotten really fucking bad over the last month and a half and i'm not sure why. like it's always been there but.#but now it's like a hunched beast and literally appears out of nowhere#at least before i was always pretty sure what was causing it but now i have no idea#but thats what the therapy is for. that and the trauma fdgshajk#no doubt the two are linked probably#but soon i'll be better. soon i'll be able to move forward on all the projects i wanna work on#soon i'll be free y'know?
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LOL i think i'm going crazy
#vent#(in the tags#)#just going to rant on this blog bc it feels too personal to come out and say on my main#this was always meant to be my vent blog anyway so like .#yeah anyway UGHGNGH#i just fucking Pictured telling my crush i like them#like just imagined typing out a confession and sending it#and i literally got so panicked that i almost threw up#so uh#even though it would Probably be for the best if i just went and said it and got it over with#thats definitely not happening !!!#rip these feelings r just gonna fester forever arent they#oh well#better than being rejected
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uuu college talk...
#vent in tags#<- just in case tis not that bad but i don't wanna bother anyone :)#college expensive :( and i am a little guy :(#i need 2 talk 2 my dad abt getting evaluated for stuff to be like 'hiii i have near-debilitating anxiety and literally will not be able to-#sleep if i am in a room with a stranger so Can I Not Please?' but uh. having that talk is not gonna be easy#im. already dreading it tbh ^^;#i'm probably gonna need a job in college too which tbh ALSO needs me 2 get on anti-anxiety meds or smth bc i. cannot work in my current#state. i get too afraid going outside and interacting with people. so uh. oopsies?#okay google how do you get your dad who's convinced he's always right to take you to a psych for things he doesn't think you have?#ngl im very good at hiding my issues around them so like ig i can't fully blame him for not believing me but also. pls.#what if i don't go to college and instead i hide in someone's walls for the rest of my life
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Hate when some tags break containment and get misinterpreted etc. etc.
#my npd makes it hard to see criticism out of nowhere or percieved criticism#like sorry I was taught that YA is a genre??? /s#and it IS a genre like literally looking it up says...#just bc someones like 6 years older than me doesnt make them inherently better or more knowledgeable#sometimes its like ai cant talk to anyone more than 4 years olddr than me without feeling condescended to#vent#I should probably just block that op for my own comfort ....#edit: fuck this I just blocked op hopefully I'll feel better now. Im not going to put any tags that leave me open to unsolicited criticism#on big posts anymore..#for my mental health. I dont need ppl interacting w me that way for something that isnt even going to help me if Im criticised for#at least if someones telling me something abt something I do and want to improve at it makes sense#but if someone doesnt even understand my thought process and just goes off abt how Im wrong uh... no thanks
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having a normal one
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alright yup thats the signal to gtfo. later besties
#leoposting#vent in tags#i'll uh. be back? i do not know when :) probably this evening#getting... irrationally angry is... not going to be good for me so uh. goodbye!#the fates are against me today it seems...#now to ignore my brain telling me to kms and other stupidity because luckily today i have the anger to not listen#frustration is a good deterrent to not offing myself it seems because i'd rather tear and maim someone else.#anyway! pretend you never saw this!
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.
#posting here to explain my jinx posting without like. venting in some poor gif makers tags#but basically. goodbye by ramsey came on in my mix and that reminded me of my ex qpp / childhood best friend#and how the day before my birthday marks. 8 months. of not having her around and in my life#like to give context: we met in kindergarten. we where like. 5 lol.#like we where very close for 16 years#/I do not really remember being a person without her at my side/#and ive been doing the thing I do where I dont really unpack things? like I had my little heart break when it happened obviously but#I then was like. well ok no more crying lets get on with it#and i am just starting to realize that I have not been getting on with it and also that this is perhaps going to be a bit hard to unpack#and come back from#and i am also wondering if this isnt having fun exciting new bad consequences on my social skills#and how i am interacting with. literally everyone.#like literally if you know me right now I am so sorry holy shit lmao#i also do not have any support group anymore. like this is not me asking for one from internet strangers its just uh#a bit worrisome that I have no therapist no very close friend no parental figure or family member who can fill those roles for me#like my dad financially helps me and I am grateful but I havent seen him sober in weeks. months even. and also he is only interested in the#woman he met. he literally probably spends more time with her kids#than he does with me#and theyve been dating for less than a month#with his last gf he literally was constantly going on about her kid like it was his kid and i was a work friend#like cool just say you dont love me and would kick me out if you had the heart to next time actually.#so yeah im having a really good good fun normal time right now :)#my post
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