I want every mental health professional that has treated me through out my life to get into a roman amphitheatre with a weapon of their choosing and the winner will decide what disorders I have

when will i ever just be loved, to be loved. because someone wants to love me. because someone cares about me and wants to care. i’m so sick of feeling like a burden and a chore. i just want to be loved, i try to be worthy of it so fucking badly.

im sorry that i don’t have much to say anymore. im not as creative as I used to be

Cops just came to my door. Apparently, my next-door neighbour was worried I was being beaten/abused at my apartment. In reality, I was just crying very loudly and screaming in my pillow.

“BUYER-PERPETUATED TRAFFICKING:

CHILD IS BEING TRAFFICKED BUT DOES NOT HAVE A TRAFFICKER. INSTEAD, THE BUYER IS DIRECTLY EXPLOITING THE CHILD’S VULNERABILITIES BY OFFERING MONEY, FOOD AND / OR SHELTER IN EXCHANGE FOR THE SEXUAL EXPLOITATION.”

i thought about you again today

i wish i hadn't.

"my memory is great!" - person with a disorder causing memory problems

im having a time

you know, something I don't see talked about very often in online spaces (though it is very well documented in medical and psych literature to my knowledge, and among the therapists I've known) is that... something doesn't actually have to happen to you for it to traumatise you. you can be traumatised from watching it happen to someone else. you can be traumatised by believing and fearing that it could happen to you at any moment, whether you're being threatened with it directly or not.

i grew up watching my sister get beaten a lot. to my knowledge, i was slapped a few times but never experienced the severe physical abuse that she did - but i knew i could be. it was a possibility and a real threat i lived with. PTSD doesn't actually care about what's real - it comes from perceived danger, and to my little kid self's frightened mind, i was in very real danger of being beaten.

the same applies to any kind of abuse. and the same applies even if you think in retrospect, "well of course they'd never have hurt me like that", because you didn't feel that way at the time. you were still scared. you were still, in every way that matters, in real danger.

fresh meme by yours truly~☆

man. do you ever manage to escape the constant dissociative haze that stops you from feeling any emotion and realise exactly how fucked up your situation is (and then ofc your brain goes "oh shit i Can't handle this realisation rn" and immediately throws like 5 extra layers of dissociation on)

𝑨 𝑫𝑬𝑬𝑷 - 𝑺𝑾𝑶𝑹𝑵 𝑽𝑶𝑾 𝑻𝑶 𝑬𝑻𝑬𝑹𝑵𝑨𝑳𝑳𝒀 𝑯𝑨𝑼𝑵𝑻 𝑮𝑶𝑫

Was I put on this earth to suffer for other people? To be the one people look at occasionally to make them realise their life isn't that bad. Now I know how the parakeet in the small cage feels; viewing from the bare bars, close to freedom, but trapped by it's physical inability to escape. Every time I tussle with the cage, I injure myself more. I don't want to live in the confines of this cage anymore; it hurts here and I want to fly free.