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smoft-demons · 3 months

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Envy

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Auva is curled up in a nest of soft things on the floor of Levi’s room. Pillows, blankets, plushies, possibly a beanbag chair or two—all piled high on the floor in front of a big screen.

Levi is there too, of course. Sitting just slightly out of arm’s reach, reclining in the blanket nest with his Ruri-chan body pillow. Relaxed as she’s ever seen him. He’s hugging the pillow like it’s his best friend as he and Auva marathon TSL for quite possibly the 15th time.

At this point, Auva knows these movies so well she could speak every line along with the characters. So, as much as she enjoys the story, it’s not exactly keeping her focused.

‘I’M his best friend!’ Auva can’t stop herself from thinking, as Levi watches peacefully. She mentally side-eyes that passing thought as soon as she notices it.

Envy is not a familiar feeling for Auva. Sure, she’s felt short flashes of mild jealousy before—small moments of it that are easily acknowledged, dealt with, and released. Quick and simple.

That’s… not what this is. She tries to push it down, for further examination later. She pointedly thinks of how peaceful this is, what a good time she’s having watching movies she likes, how nice it is to see Levi being so relaxed and open…

She holds out for about a movie and a half. But then, a scene where the Lord of Shadows gives Henry a hug has the twisting unpleasantness she feels in her gut suddenly roaring back to life. It burrows into the front of her mind. The unfamiliar feeling intensifies from the low, very ignorable twisting it was before, like pouring gasoline on a fire. It burns, insistent and cloying under her tongue.

Auva zones out in that moment, confused and distressed. Trying to identify whatever the fuck this is.

Simultaneously, Levi snaps out of relaxed TSL fixation mode. He feels the explosion of envy in his friend. It’s doubly palpable to him, not just because he’s attuned to feelings of envy as the avatar of it—especially in Auva through his pact with her—but more because he has NEVER before felt so much of it from her before!

“Uh—!? Whoaaaa… Auva??! Are you—do you wanna talk about it??” Levi sputters.

Auva freezes, looking away. She’s figured out what caused the bad feeling, but not what the bad feeling is quite yet. In order to find the cause, she has tracked the start of the feeling to when Levi joined her in their blanket nest, but chose to sit too far away from her to touch, to cuddle with a pillow instead of his best friend.

She’s embarrassed to realize this. Fruitlessly, she tries to hide it. She doesn’t want to lie to him, but… she can’t say it! “No, no! It’s nothing, don’t worry, I’m good! Everything’s fine!”

Levi shoots her a flat look. “Stupid normie, I can FEEL it! Did you forget what I am? There’s no point lying!”

Auva groans, burying her face in her hands. ‘??? He can feel it—OH. Oh. Envy. So that’s what that feels like then. Fuck, okay.’ She thinks, cringing at herself.

“Nooo… Levi, really, it’s nothing! It’s so dumb!”

“But I wanna help! WHY won’t you tell me? That’s SO not fair..!” Levi exclaims, looking stressed, worried, and a bit hurt. “Of course you wouldn’t trust a gross icky otaku like me…”

‘Fuuuuck, of course he’d take it personally!’ Auva mentally groans to herself.

“No! No, you know I don’t think that! You’re not gross, Levi! I… it’s just—umm, well…” she trails off. Can’t say it.

She huffs, frustrated, and flails for a moment before taking her DDD out of her pocket. She goes to text him instead.

> ruri pillow gets hugs and I don’t >:[ Henry gets hugs and I don’t >>:[[[ I want hugs too >:[ >:[ >:[

Levi’s text tone goes off. He reads her message.

He freezes awkwardly. Buffering…

Auva cringes, shoving her DDD away from her. She hides her face in her hands again. “I told you it’s dumb…” she mumbles.

“N-no! No, it’s fine! I just. I, was, uh—! Y-you… you really don’t think I’m too gross?” Levi stutters.

“Obviously not! We’re friends, we’ve BEEN friends, you know I love you—Why do YOU think you’re gross?! Is it because you’re a snake, do you think snakes are gross?! I like snakes!! Is that it? I don’t get it, Levi! You’re NOT gross, I’ll fight you about that if I have to! Is that really why you don’t touch me?” Auva rambles, her hands flapping frantically. “You keep telling me it’s okay if I touch you, you said you’re not uncomfortable with it in general, but then… you’ll sit next to me and hug a pillow but you won’t ever hug me, and I don’t get WHY! I keep telling you you’re not gross! Do you not believe me, or do you just…”

Auva cuts herself off. ‘do you just not love me’, she was going to say. She thought better of it. She knows he does. She knows. It would be unfair to him to scold him for not believing her and then to immediately turn around and not believe him. She knows he’s shy, too. It isn’t a problem if he’s uncomfortable with touch of course, but he keeps telling her that’s not the case, so..???

Levi seems to know where she was going with that. He flails, stuttering his rebuttal just as frantically. They never resemble each other more than when they’re panicking at each other like this. “I..! It’s NOT like that!! It’s not that—that I don’t l-love… you, o-or anything..! I just..! It’s just… I’m gross, I don’t think you’d want ME so close to you!”

“But I do though! I really do! You’re NOT gross! Levi… Levi, you’re not gross. You’re my friend. My friend is not gross. Please believe me?” Auva says, her agitation quickly dying down into just sadness.

Levi’s energy simmers down to match hers. With a sigh, he steels himself. Dismissing his ever-present shyness as best he can. He puts the Ruri pillow down in the pile next to him. He fixes his gaze into a far corner as he sticks out an arm in Auva’s direction, shyly gesturing for his friend to close the distance.

Auva rushes to comply before he can change his mind. It’s about half a second until she has ducked under his arm and moulded herself against him, shifting until she’s comfy and as close as she can get. She ends up draped over the left side of him. Her fingers tangle into the fabric of his shirt, clinging, as if to prevent anyone from removing her. Her cheek smushes against his shoulder. Her glasses get knocked off as she presses her face against him. She doesn’t care.

“Stupid noodle… y’r not fuckin gross…” she grumbles to him, her voice muffled against his shoulder.

“…if you say so, I guess…” he mumbles back. He puts his arm down across her shoulder blades. His hand wraps carefully around her right bicep. His other hand retrieves her glasses, then places them on the floor where they’ll be safer. He turns his attention back to the movie to distract himself from his self-consciousness.

As for Auva, she’s fully ignoring the movie in favour of committing this absolute gift of a moment to memory. Every detail. The rhythm of his breathing and heartbeat, the sounds of his joints shifting with each minute adjustment he makes, the cool temperature of his skin, the unscented soap and ocean scent that sticks to him, the gentle pressure of his arm draped over her, the feel of his thumb absently rubbing over that one small strip of skin on her arm and occasionally fidgeting with the hem of her short sleeve. She blissfully soaks in every detail.

Her heart is warm, and she LOVES her friend. She’s relaxed, boneless. Very comfortable and happy to be held.

As the next movie plays, Levi ends up absentmindedly pulling her into the same position he had the pillow in before. Reclining fully against his chest, more or less in his lap as both his arms wrap securely around her back. She couldn’t see the screen like this if she were trying to. She’s not though, so this is more than fine with her. She’s seen these movies so many times by now that the audio alone is enough to have the visuals projecting in detail from her memory on the back of her eyelids.

Auva stays still and quiet, carefully relaxed, trying not to draw attention to herself. Hoping he’ll stay distracted until the entire series is over, so it’ll take as long as possible for him to get awkward and push her away again. Fuck, she dreads the idea of being pushed away.

Hours later, the story ends. Levi’s distraction is over. Her fingers clench in his shirt again, clinging. She doesn’t want him to let go. Doesn’t want him to make her go…

“Auva..?” Levi softly calls, having noticed her tension returning. “I… it’s okay, you know. You don’t—I’m not kicking you out. If you’re sure you want to be here. I’m not uncomfortable, or anything, is what I’m saying. Is that, um… that’s what you’re scared of, right?” he sighs. Pulls her a bit closer, so he can lean down to comfortably bury his face against her shoulder without dislodging her. “We’re gonna have to talk about this, aren’t we…”

“Mm. Probably… ‘s important. But… tomorrow, though? I’m comfy...” Auva mumbles.

She yawns. He nods, agreeing to have a real conversation about this tomorrow. They cling to each other a bit tighter for comfort, as they both try not to think about how scary that is.

“Hey, Levi?” Auva whispers.

“Hm?” He hums inquisitively.

“I really love my player one. SO much. I hope you know that.”

He inhales sharply, quickly squeezing her as he takes in her familiar words. She has told him so many times before, but it hits him in the heart just the same every time.

“Yeah. I know.” He whispers back. “And I love my player two. So much. You know that,” Shy as always, even though he has said it before too.

Auva nods. She gives him an affectionate squeeze too, before relaxing again. Intending to go to sleep right there.

The upcoming conversation still scares them, but just a bit less now. They’ll have each other, after all. They’ll help each other.

They’ll be fine.

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