Anemic selfshippers!! Did you know that your f/os are there to support you in any way they can? They'll make sure to check in with you and ask you how you're feeling. If you're dizzy, they'll let you hold onto them in whatever way you'd like, to help you balance yourself! They will never judge you for feeling out of breath either, even if it's from very simple activities! They know how hard it can be on you. If you take meds for your anemia, they'll remind you to take them, and to get more when you're low. If you need to eat iron-rich foods, they'll take special care to make sure you're eating them, and they'll even cook for you if you'd like! Your f/os are there to support you in any way they can, because they love and care about you!

PRO.SHIP DNI!

Hello, Can I please get a sorting, and a Harry Potter matchup(any era) please. 🧪

I’m a introvert, I’m blunt,brutally honest, clever, quick-thinker,daydreamer, different- I follow my own rules, and I always research on something when it comes to the truth, can’t trust anyone now these days..,I’m observant, it make’s people uncomfortable or intimidated. I have anxiety, I over think way too much.I’m always cold, so I mostly wear things that are comfy, because I’m anemic. I have a soft spoken voice and that tends to aggravate people. I’m always calm, until you piss me off. That’s when I make brutally honest /sarcastic remarks, and I get aggressive. I’m quite pessimistic at times. I’m very detached and distant from people. I have a big family which makes me more family-oriented than anything. I tend, to keep my emotions in. Some other of my traits are opinionated, open-minded, closed off, perseverance, misunderstood,dark humor, secretive,mischievous, I can be bashful in situations when I don’t know you. I tend to blush a lot or my face gets red. When I get embarrassed or put on the spotlight. But, I won’t hesitate to call someone out. I like to learn languages and I hate school,My family calls me sassy, feisty,nosy, and cold-hearted. My friends calls me wise, mature, quiet, honest, bitter, sassy,distant,and loyal. I usually get picked on because of my height (I’m 4’9) so I make some nasty remarks. Most boys are scared of me since I do mixed martial arts. I love staying up at night, I’m always attracted to guys that are villains or into dark things. I tend to attract broken people, I guess because, I seem innocent, people always go to me for advice, I’m a good listener, and I will give you my opinion even if it hurts your feelings.My tone is always soft spoken but, with a tint of either motherly, sarcasm. I’m quite protective of my siblings, they call me bossy, but, they don’t understand what I’m showing them is to act mature, and to be self-disciplined. I’m very ambitious about my interests, I either wanting to be a actress, or a businesswoman. I like, money and power. I tend to like older men, My pet peeves- I hate it when people act like they know me, like yes, you talked to me. But, you don’t know the real me. I know myself more than anyone. People getting all up in my space, I hate it when people breathe down my neck. Too clingy people, can’t stand it.especially me dating them automatically breaking up with them it makes me feel trapped and suffocated. I get told I’m a mastermind, because of how I think, kinda like a detective,I put myself in other peoples shoes and see how they think. Rbf,rsf,I procastinate on things, which I hate because it gets in the way of my plans,I love planning,I’m attracted to the things that are dark. Like, conspiracy theories. Or just dark things in general. I’m kinda sadistic in away. And my mind is always calm. I have dark blond hair, bright shiny medium- to light brown eyes. Light olive skin, small button nose 4’9. Delicate, fragile, innocent appearance.style- dark academia, light academia, cottage core, business material, and comfy clothing. Hobbies- I love to read. Watch conspiracy theories, listen to music, self care, and daydreaming. Thx!

Hello dear💖 for harry potter I ship you with.

Draco Malfoy🍏

I think your personalities would go well together.

Draco into the calmer and smarter women so it's no wonder he's attracted to you.

Draco would most likely ask you on a date and bring you to Malfoy manor.

The parents would approve if your a pure blood.

I could totally picture you in a black dress and Draco wearing a suit while walking through Hogwarts.

Draco would offer you a heap of gifts in turn for your affection.

The downside is he gets bored easily and will nag you for affection.

I think he would get jealous easily as well.

He would propose after your 7th year while the two of you live in Malfoy manor, your child would be half blooded with your eyes and hair. They would be sorted into Slytherin.

For your house I sort you into:

Ravenclaw 🦅

Your personality fits this house really well, they aren't all about wit and charm.

Your head ghost is the white lady, she will guide you when you need it.

Your founder is Rowena Ravenclaw.

Your head teacher is professor flitwick.

Your common room is located on top of the tower.

Anyways that's all I have for now:

Ta Ta✨

Congrats on 200+ followers!!! You deserve it!!!!!!!! Can you please do a bakugo or todoroki angst and smut where it’s a villain au and the reader finds out??? Idk I had a dream about it and I immediately thought of you because I know that you’re the perfect person!!! Sorry if it’s not detailed enough Also ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

villain!todoroki shouto x reader

warnings: angst, smut, cursing, villain shouto

word count: 4,437

a/n: oh man, this was supposed to come out with a bakugou part as well because i have no self control and wrote them both. i haven’t quite finished bakugou because i am still adjusting to this new life schedule I have (and my roommate has me sleeping before my crackhead hours so i’ve been writing a lot less, but it will come out i promise!!!) anyways this is kinky public sex. like 100% straight up. i’m a bit nervous if you guys don’t like the smut but it’s the best i can do LMAO enjoy!!! also i dont really know if there was an actual villain au so i made it my own...with inspiration from horikoshi

Life was hard as a normal civilian.

To be quite honest you were mad that you weren’t blessed with some amazing quirk so you could be a hero. Instead, you had to be successful elsewhere. So you were a second-year university student with a quirk that allowed you to see probability in everything. Which, don’t get it wrong, helped you with multiple-choice tests, but besides the occasional better route to places, it wasn’t that extraordinary. 

Your boyfriend, however, was a hero, and a massively successful hero at that too! With only his hero debut two years ago he was currently the number three hero on the Hero Billboard Charts, it was insane. To be quite honest, you had met him during his debut when you had nearly died because of a villain. It had traumatized you.

You had already despised villains with all your being before that incident.

You had been in an eerily similar situation when you were younger when a villain swept you off the street and held you hostage on the tallest building of Japan. Since that moment, you were sincerely against every and all villains, none of them could be excused in your eyes. Nothing they did in the act of violence was justifiable.

But again, you guessed that the entire morality of people truly changed when people could suddenly do things that normally should not be possible. For instance, one of your classmates could physically remove his eyeballs from his eyesockets as part of his quirk and it made zero sense to you. It was a great party trick, but a terrible quirk.

You felt your hands shake slightly, a wave of dizziness hitting you as you finished walking up the hill. A few years ago, you had started suffering from anemia, your red blood count had taken a deficit hit and no one could explain why. Doctors had seen you countless amounts of times, but no one could explain to you why your blood had suddenly taken a hit. They had run tests, even going as far as culturing your cells in a lab in an attempt to find a solution, but everything was normal. So it left both the scientists and you stumped. Reaching into your backpack, you removed your daily pills to alleviate most of your symptoms and swallowed them before continuing on your way.

You walked up the stairs to the apartment you shared with your boyfriend, a simple three-bedroom, with a two-bath apartment that he paid for with his earnings. “I’m home.” You call out, brushing your hair out of your eyes as you dropped your books onto the ground, trading your shoes for some slippers before walking into the common space where Shouto sat in his casual clothes.

“Hi, there,” Shouto greeted you as you groaned softly, trudging over to where he lay, and collapsed onto his lap, “Long day?” He asked, his fingers massaging your scalp softly.

“I had to sit throughout the worst lecture of all lectures because in my philosophy class we were discussing if ‘villains deserved to have second chances after inflicting damage on civilians.’“ You mutter into your boyfriend’s neck as he holds you gently in his arms.

“And your position?” Shouto asked, although already knowing your answer.

“They don’t, if heroes can’t get away with hurting other people without licenses, why in the world would I expect any less for criminals.” You say in a defeated voice as you remember most people in your class hadn’t agreed with your viewpoint. 

“What about if they’re inflicting damage because they got caught and didn’t see any other way out?” Shouto asked, picking away at your thought and you groaned again.

“Instead of being my incredible stupid smart boyfriend, can you just agree with me? Everyone already said everything you could think of and I’m sad.” You pout trying your best to disappear within your boyfriend’s arms. A small chuckle vibrates through your boyfriend’s chest and you can’t help the smile on your face as he places a kiss on your head. He was the best.

You found yourself later that night collapsed onto your shared bed, your face buried in the pillow as you longed for the next day to come. You had no classes the following day, and with Shouto having–at least so far–an open day, the two of you planned on making it a 24 hour date day. You trailed your tired gaze over to Shouto who was standing by the doorframe, his eyes concentrated on his phone, a very stiff and angry look on his face.

“Everything okay?” You ask, your voice muffled with the pillows as you watched Shouto typing away, his attention not on you in the slightest.

“Yeah…” Shouto trailed off, his face set in a small scowl as he turned off his phone screen and walked over to the bed, “The office called in, they made a stupid mistake that I need to… fix.”

You sighed softly, his office was always messing things up and you thought it was very unprofessional of them.

“Hopefully they’ll be able to work it out tonight without you, come on and sleep Shoucchan,” You yawn as your boyfriend comes to lay in your arms. “Just sleep.” You encourage.

“Okay…” Shouto nods his head as he wraps his arms around you as well, and you feel warm as sleep takes over you in the best of ways.

⋆✭⋆✭⋆⋆✭⋆✭⋆

You woke up to an empty bed, your eyes looking over at the clock on Shouto’s bed-side that read four in the morning, and you were confused. Where was he?

You sat up and quietly walked to the bathroom, but found it empty and it made you even more disoriented, where was he?

There was a low growl, almost a snarl like snap coming from the living room, and you walked over quietly to see Shouto sitting down on your couch, surrounded by villains. Villains you recognized as the ones on Shouto’s debut.

His back was to you, the villains not even the slightest bit aware of your presence as Shouto spoke.

“How the hell, could you mess this up? Again?!” His voice is low, angry, a whole new tone to it, and it was something you had never imagined you could ever hear from your boyfriend. “I supply you with so much blood, and you can’t even produce what I need you to achieve?”

Your breathing slightly quickened as you stilled in the hallway, disappearing back into the shadows.

“I have been taking y/n’s blood for years, and you’re still unable to come up with a resolution. It’s making it seem unusual to me, you aren’t deluding me, are you?” Shouto’s voice echoes through your mind as a choking breath escapes your lips, and you panic as the pleading voices of your boyfriend’s company subsides.

You turn on your heel, running back into the room, slamming the door. 

Your breathing was staggered, your fingers trembling as you heard footsteps in the hallway. “I’ll deal with you later,” Shouto’s voice speaks, “Get out before you can’t.”

You didn’t know who he was talking to at this point, and despite being in only your sleepwear, you ran to the fire-escape of your room and left the house. The sound of the doorknob opening almost screaming through your ears.

You climbed down the ladder as fast as you could, uncaring of the shooting pain going through your feet. Your heart clenching at the revelation of what was being kept from you.

You ran.

And ran.

And ran.

Eventually, you found yourself collapsing in the middle of the street as tears fell down your cheeks, what the hell was happening?

⋆✭⋆✭⋆⋆✭⋆✭⋆

Your head rose up from your childhood bed weeks later, it had been three weeks since you had last seen Shouto. Three weeks later and your anemic symptoms had all disappeared. Three weeks later and Pro-Hero: Shouto was still a name people loved. Three weeks later and not a single word or encounter with villains or your boyfriend and you weren’t really sure what you were expecting.

Everything just felt entirely wrong.

You still had feelings for Shouto.

Your feelings towards villains hadn’t changed though.

You now hated Shouto.

But you still loved him.

You missed him.

You resented him.

He had violated your body, for your blood, something you couldn’t comprehend as to why. Was everything between the two of you fake? Something created to obtain your blood?

Was everything a deception?

You walked aimlessly to university, your usual friendly personality had been scuffed to death at the moment, and you ignored the hello’s that still came your way. You sat down in your philosophy class later that day staring out the window, uncaring of the lecture that was taking place on the ethical and moral dilemmas that had resurfaced with the introduction of quirks and how even today it was in place. 

Your eyebrows scrunched as you saw a figure in the alley behind the building move into the sunlight, and your face muscles tightened as you saw Shouto standing there. Wearing casual clothing, staring right back at you as if he knew it was you looking at him.

You watched in slight horror as he picked up his phone as if he was signaling something to you, and a small buzz alarmed you of a text notification.

shouto: come here

You felt your blood chill slightly at those words. Why was he finally reaching out towards you? You knew that he knew that you remembered his dark secret. Despite having this information you weren’t going to be telling anyone, especially not anytime soon.

Your hands shook as if you were suddenly anemic again as you quickly grabbed your backpack and left the classroom, ignoring the curious gazes on your figure as the door closed behind you.

What the hell were you thinking? Why were you listening to him? He didn’t deserve to speak to you, and what if it was going to be a threat? You couldn’t even begin to imagine what would happen if it was a threat. You would cry for sure, but god, you craved seeing him.

Without even fully realizing it, you found yourself stepping into the alleyway where Shouto was hidden in the shadows by himself. Your fingers tingled with uneasiness as you subconsciously moved your arms to shield yourself from him.

Shouto watched you from his position against the wall, his hands shoved into his pockets, his shoulder leaning against the bricks.

God why did you meet him in this alleyway, it was a secluded area on campus already, and if he decided to kill you no one would find your body for weeks.

You begin to mentally panic as you tried to figure out a way to get out of the trap you just walked into. 

“What do you want?” You whisper softly, refusing to look at him directly and you watched as Shouto’s feet shifted as he readjusted his stance.

“I think that’s what I am supposed to be asking,” Shouto’s voice speaks to you, but it seems sharper, so foreign to you, not the man you love.

You moved your gaze to look directly at Shouto who was staring at you, almost curiously, as if you were a subject he was analyzing.

“I have nothing to say to you.” You defiantly assert your facial features set in stone as you refused to let him read any emotion that was racing through your mind.

“Hm, well,” Shouto smirks softly as he takes a step closer to you, and you automatically take a step backward. “You wanna know why I lied about my profession.” His tone suggests that he’s guessing, but you knew he could read you like a book.

A noise struggles in your throat as you refuse to acknowledge his questions.

“Simple. Being a hero is bullshit, what’s the point in being a savior to undeserving people who merited the actions of the everyday villains. It seems wrong, you would never understand, y/n, but that’s okay. Besides, there’s something so liberating doing things that aren’t… expected of you.” Shouto’s voice almost taunts you as your eyes narrow slightly as he takes another step towards you, and instinctually, you step back.

“What else would the opinionated y/n have?” Shouto says as he brushes his shaggy hair out of his eyes, their piercing colors drilling holes into your soul. “Your blood, huh? Now that is something you’ll just love. You see, your probability quirk is amazingly powerful, did you know that? The number of scenarios you can use it is unlimited with the ability to be correct ninety-nine out of a hundred times. Your quirk is good luck, and you were an idiot for never noticing it.”

Now that hit a nerve, and your lip trembled the ever so slightest as an aloof chuckle leaves Shouto’s mouth, another step forward for him, and another step backward for you.

“Did I hurt your feelings?” Shouto smirks again then a sigh leaves his lips, “You had amazing potential, my love, but your anxiety just kept you from achieving everything. So yes, I did seek you out intentionally for your quirk, but you had this fear that I could never get you over, so I had to get your blood in an… artistic way, you can say.” 

You felt like you were suffocating when your back hits the wall, but you don’t react to the feeling of the harsh brick against your back as you concentrate on the man you don’t recognize in front of you. “But of course, why did I need it?” Shouto clicks his tongue as a hand comes to press against the wall next to you, trapping you. “It will act as the ultimate judgment for every person in the world, and we needed a lot, but it turns out I had a vermin in my midst, that’s why it took so long.”

He traces a finger against your face and everything he says slams into you. Maybe you didn’t know Shouto as well as you thought you did, you were in love with a villain after all, but there was something so artificial in his words that after months of feeling numb anger flared within you. You can feel nothing but anger and hatred seeping through you towards this man before you.

“You can’t possibly think you’re superior enough to enact judgment on everyone, because of what? You save a few bad civilians?!” You spat at him finally feeling emotions and energy run through your body as your hands come up to shove Shouto’s shoulders with unknown strength and he staggers back. “Are you fucking kidding me, Shouto?!”

Your face scrunches as he takes a step backward, and now you’re on the attack. “Are you some fucking idiot? You think you can act like my boyfriend for two years and expect me not to pick up personality traits of your own? I can practically smell the anxiety from your body, you dick!” You storm as you shove Shouto again. “Your words are too pretty, too fucking rehearsed, dumbass, you’re a leader by action, you idiot, not by words! God, is someone fucking feeding you that little speech?! You’re a fucking villain, not some martyr, so you can shut the fuck up, and go feed your feeble-minded words to assholes who believe that they are the ones to shape the world! Go tell this sob story to the world, how about to your mom, let’s see how many people fucking agree with you then, Todoroki.”

You feel as if your blood is on fire as you have Shouto up onto the wall, his eyes wide, his mouth slightly opened in shock. Your breathing is harsh, fast, panting, as your eyes glare into Shouto’s eyes that are quickly turning from shock to anger to lust. You don’t even know what’s happening to you until you feel your hands grab the collar of his shirt and slam your lips against his own.

Your lips connect with his lips at every touch in a hard fashion. Your fingers fisted into his shirt as you slam your taller boyfriend–was he even your boyfriend–into the wall. You’re intensely aware of his fingers gripping your hips as your bodies came to be mangled onto each other, leaving no room between your two bodies as you continued this angry kiss.

You felt as Shouto let out a low growl, his weight shifting and he shoved you against the wall. His hands moving from your hips to cup the bottom of you ass, roughly grinding his crotch against yours, and fury went through your body. 

Why did he have to fuck this all up for the two of you?

The kiss was getting sloppy, your teeth clashing too often, breathless heaves panted into each other’s mouths as your tongue slipped into Shouto’s mouth. You defiantly press your tongue against him, not allowing him the victory of entering your mouth as your hands leave your grip from his shirt to grasp onto his hair, tugging on it sharply that makes Shouto let out a tantalizing moan. This wasn’t fair to Shouto, you knew that’s how he saw it, and just as you guessed, he moves his hands to better grasp your ass as he lifts you up, your legs wrapping around his waist immediately. His hands removing yours from his hair to slam them up against the wall.

A pained but lustful moan escapes your lips from this action, and you rock your hips painfully slow against Shouto’s crotch and sigh in victory as Shouto removes his lips from yours, “F-Fuck,” Shouto curses, his grip on your hands lessening slightly, and your eyes crack open to see Shouto’s head thrown back, and a mewl leaves your lips at the sight of your man stuttering because of you.

It doesn’t last long as suddenly, Shouto’s lips are back on you, leaving hot open-mouthed kisses trailing down your neck, his teeth biting down almost animalistically with every other kiss, but fuck does it make your toes curl. “Yes,” you praise the man between your legs as you roll your hips against Shouto’s in a way of retribution, and the lust and fury of Shouto’s eyes are connected with yours.

You gasp breathlessly as Shouto’s hot tongue licks slowly between the cleavage of your breasts, combined with the harsh tug of your hair sends your head snapping back, “Fuck you,” You spat, angry with yourself that he knew exactly how to please you in the best way.

“I plan on making you do that for me,” Shouto growls lowly, as you slam your lips back onto his own. 

A muffled cry leaves your lips as you feel his hands go under your shirt and massages your breast harshly through your bra, “Don’t you dare fucking think that this is going to make things okay.” You snap as you grab Shouto’s hands increasing the strength on his already harsh grip on your breasts.

“I didn’t.” Shouto laughs as his head goes under your shirt, and you can only wait helplessly as you feel your bra unclasp and a harsh roll of your nipples between his fingers sends you through another moan. You feel anger resurge through your body as you can feel the victorious smirk on his lips as he bites the sensitive underside of your breast.

With your hips still rolling away on his own crotch, you don’t hesitate as you blindly unbuckle the belt on Shouto’s pants and slip your hand through the waistline, your hand seizing the base of his cock. You hear a hiss from Shouto, and you almost laugh in manically glee of making the man you shouldn’t want tremble. 

“You’re a bitch.” Shouto gasps as he removes himself from your breasts, and goes to press wild, uncontrolled kisses onto your lips. And the coil in your stomach is tightening as he jerks against your pumping hand and rolling hips.

“And you’re a coward.” You hiss as Shouto drops you to the ground, your legs wobbly from the uncontrollable emotions you had long submitted to, the pool of heat in your underwear only seeming to intensify as Shouto slams your stomach into the wall.

“Now, are you going to behave correctly to the big bad villain who has you trapped?” Shouto whispers into your ear, his teeth biting softly onto your earlobe, shoots of tingles resonating through your body as you feel his hand move from your waist to your inner thighs, too close for comfort, not close enough for the relief you desperately sought. 

“You’d be a bigger idiot if you thought I would simply submit.” You breathlessly reply as his fingers trailed up higher, and your hips rolled slightly as his fingers touched between your legs deliciously soft, and you fought another mewl leaving your mouth.

“Ah, don’t stop yourself from making sound,” Shouto grinned against your neck, “Tell the world how much you hate me.”

You could only pant as Shouto’s hand unbuttoned your shorts and let them drop to the ground as his fingers went inside your panties, and brushed against the hood of your clit, “Fuck off,” You repeat as soundless moans leave your lips, your head thrown back again as his fingers slip into your opening, slowly moving as his other hand goes to tease your clit in a way that causes you to bite onto your tongue to contain the pleasure-filled scream ready to leave your mouth.

“Do you want me?” Shouto breathes harshly against your neck as he ground his hard pelvis into your ass, and you could only nod your head as his fingers pumped into you. The heat in your stomach only grow as the coil in you felt tighter as both the pumping and teasing intensified, “Fuck, love, aren’t you just fucking wet as always.”

You let out an exasperated cry as his fingers leave your dripping sex, and you can only watch with hooded eyes as Shouto brings his fingers to his mouth, slowly licking your juices off his fingers. “Fuck me with the same passion you have in hating me,” Shouto whispers as he twists your neck to kiss you in this twisted position, and you moan as you can taste yourself on his lips and tongue, and before you can even savor the feeling of his tongue on yours, his jeans are bunched by his knees, and you’re completely bent over, your underwear joining your shorts on the floor.

“You want this, you want me?” Shout asks again his voice almost a growl, his facial features intense as he drops his own underwear and is stroking his already pre-cum leaking cock. 

“I swear to god, Todoroki,” You hiss staring at the man who had your heart seem almost unsure of what was the right thing to do, “If you don’t finish what I started, I will never forgive you.”

That’s all it takes, and the uncertainty in Shouto’s mind is made up and all you could do is let out strings of curses as he slams into you from behind in one quick movement. “Shit, you’re so fucking tight.” Shouto groans as you pant, your hands shake against the wall, god did his dick in you send you to another planet.

“Fucking move already, pussy.” You snarl and smirk as Shouto takes it as a challenge as starts thrusting his hips, ready to kill any doubt you had in your mind.

And then you could do nothing but scream out encouragement as Shouto’s hips slam into yours, harshly, at speeds you never envisioned the two of you reaching before.

Every thrust sent you grasping for support on the brick wall as he continued thrusting into you, his fingers gripping you waist as curses leave his lips.

Your jaw drops and a shrill gasp leaves your mouth as the coil in you tightens significantly at a certain angle he comes in, “Like that?” Shouto laughs although you could hear no humor in his voice as he comes in at that angle again, and you can barely control the sob of pleasure that rips out of your mouth.

“Sh-Shouto!” You arch your back and despite the position, Shouto is edging, you can feel the tremble in his thighs, his tell when he was almost over the edge. “Fuck me, faster!”

Shouto doesn’t disappoint you as you feel his hands grasp your hair and he snakes a hand back to your clit, and you find yourself clenching your eyes in concentration, trying not to satisfy him with cumming first.

You smiled in victory as shuddering gasps left Shouto’s lips as you felt his thrusts progressively missing his usual targets, and with a drawn-out groan from him, you felt him cum in you, and you couldn’t help yourself as you looked over your shoulder and saw Shouto’s face filled with relief.

His hips stilled for moments, but your own hips didn’t stop, and another string of curses left Shouto’s mouth as he focused distractedly on your own orgasm. His body rocked into yours, and your hips met him in every motion, your lip trembling as his fingers danced against your clit.

The coil in your heat tightened and tightened, and when he pressed a kiss on the back of your neck, his fingers pinching your clit, the coil snapped and you could only see white as an immeasurable amount of pleasure ripped through you, and a scream sagged through your body as you came undone.

You whined as you felt him exit you, and you slowly straightened back up, you felt uncomfortably sore. Quietness filled the alleyway as the two of your straightened out your outfits turning towards each other, then you locked eyes, and it finally hit you. This was goodbye.

Your breathing staggered as Shouto’s lips were on yours again, and you feel overwhelmed. Your fists are clenched on his chest, his fingers hooked onto your belt loops. Your brows are brought together, and you can tell both of your jaws are clenched. It almost felt like a magnetic pull between you two, but you had to deny it. So you shift so that your foreheads press together, your lips just brushing, just barely, so faintly touching until you pull away completely with a shaking exhale, your forehead dropping into Shouto’s neck.

“I am in love with you, but I can’t love you knowing what you are.” You whisper as you break away, grabbing your bag and leaving Shouto alone in the alley, wiping tears that inevitably fall from your eyes. “I’m sorry.”

and thats all for now folks, i also updated my masterlist again so if you wanna read more crap i write, check it out :D but yes! the blood stealing is weird i know, i was told but i am so outta ideas i just rolled with it ;) anyways let me know what you tHINK I LIKE HAVING OPINIONS ON WHAT I WRITE PLEASE SEND ME WHAT YOU THOUGHT IT MAKES ME SO UNBELIEVABLY HAPPY

KK LOVE YOU ALL, LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL FOR MORE

American Beauty/American Psycho Lyric Starters (Warning, some NSFW)

Irresistible

“I just followed your scent, you can just follow my smile.”

“All of your flaws are aligned with this mood of mine.”

“You ought to keep me concealed just like I was a weapon.”

“I didn’t come for a fight, but I will fight till the end.”

“And this one might be a battle might not turn out okay.”

“And I love the way you hurt me.”

“It’s irresistible.”

“I’m gonna get you to burst just like you were a bubble.

“Frame me up on your wall just to keep me out of trouble.”

“Too many war wounds, but not enough wars.”

“Too many sharks, not enough blood in the waves.”

“You know I give my love a four letter name.”

“You’re second hand smoke.”

“I breath you in, but honey, I don’t know what you’re doing to me.”

“But the truth catches up with us eventually.”

“Try to say lie, live and let live.”

“I’m no good at lip service, except when they’re yours.”

“I’m coming for you, and I’m making war.”

American Beauty / American Psycho

“I think I fell in love again.”

“Maybe I just took too much cough medicine.”

“I’m the best worst thing that hasn’t happened to you yet.”

“You take a full truth, and you pour some out.”

“And you can kill me, or let God sort ‘em out.”

“I wish I dreamt in the shape of your mouth.”

“All those dirty thoughts of me, they were never yours to keep.”

“We’re the things that love destroys.”

“Us, we were only meant to make you live again.”

“Us, we were pity sex.”

Centuries

“Some legends are told, some turn to dust or to gold.”

“But you will remember me; remember me for centuries.”

“Just one mistake is all it will take.”

“We’ll go down in history.”

“No, it’s nothing wrong with me.”

“The kids are all wrong, the story’s all off.”

“Heavy metal broke my heart.”

“Come on, and let me in.”

“The bruises on your thighs like my fingertips.”

“And this is supposed to match the darkness that you felt.”

“I never meant for you to fix yourself.”

“And I can’t stop ‘til the whole world knows my name.”

“ ‘Cause I was only born inside my dreams.”

“As long as there’s a light, my shadow’s over you.”

“I am the opposite of amnesia.”

“And you’re a cherry blossom, you’re about to bloom.”

“You look so pretty, but you’re gone so soon.”

“We’ve been here forever, and here’s the frozen proof.”

“I could scream forever.”

The Kids Aren’t Alright

“Maybe I bit off more than I could chew.”

“Fall to your knees, bring on the rapture.”

“Blessed be the boys time can’t capture.”

“On film, or between the sheets.”

“I always fall from your window to the pitch black streets.”

“And in the end, I’d do it all again.”

“I think you’re my best friend.”

“Don’t you know that the kids aren’t alright?”

“I’ll be yours.”

“When it rains, it pours.”

“I’m not passive, but aggressive.”

“Take note, it’s not impressive.”

“Empty your sadness like you’re dumping your purse on my bedroom floor.”

“We put your curse in reverse.”

“And it’s our time now if you want it to be.”

“Maul the world like a carnival bear set free.”

“Your love is anemic.”

“I can’t believe that you couldn’t see it coming for me.”

“And I still feel that rush in my veins, twists my head just a bit too thin.”

“All those people in those old photographs I’ve seen are dead.”

“Sometimes I just wanna sit down and gaze at my shoes.”

“Let your dirty sadness fill me up just like a balloon.”

Uma Thurman

“I can move mountains.”

“I can work a miracle.”

“I’ll keep you like an oath, may nothing but death do us part.”

“Bury me ‘till I confess.”

“I can’t get you out of my head.”

“Divide me down to the smallest I can be.”

“Put your venom in me.”

“The blood of the lamb is worth two lions, but here I am.”

“I slept in last night’s clothes and tomorrow’s dreams, but they’re not quite what they seem.”

“You’ll find your way, and may death find you alive.”

“Take me down the line.”

“We turned the tide.”

Jet Pack Blues

“I’m the last one that you’ll ever remember.”

“I’m trying to find my peace of mind behind these two white highway lines.”

“When the city goes silent, the ringing in my ears gets violent.”

“She’s in a long black coat tonight, waiting for me in the downpour outside.”

“She’s singing ‘Baby, come home’ in a melody of tears while the rhythm of the rain keeps time.”

“I remember.”

“Baby, come home.”

“Did you ever love her, do you know?” “Or did you never want to be alone?”

“Fight off the lights tonight, and just stay with me.”

“Honey, don’t you leave.”

“Do you remember how we used to split a drink?”

“It never mattered what it was.”

“I think our heads were just that close.”

“The sweetness never lasts, you know.”

Novocaine

“This is a black ski mask song.”

“So put all of your anger on.”

“In the truly gruesome do we trust.”

“I will always land on you like a sucker punch.”

“I am your worst nightmare.”

“If you knew what the bluebirds sang at you, you would never sing along.”

“Cast them out cause this is our culture.”

“These new flocks are nothing but vultures.”

“They took our love, and they filled it up.”

“Now I’m just numb.”

“I don’t feel a thing for you.”

“I’m just a problem that doesn’t want to be solved.”

“So, could you please hold your applause.”

“I said one day this valley’s gonna swallow me whole.”

“I feel like a photo that’s been overexposed.”

Fourth of July

“It was the fourth of July.”

“You and I were fireworks that went off too soon.”

“And I miss you in the June gloom too.”

“I said I’d never miss, but I guess you never know.”

“May the bridges I have burned light my way back home.”

“I’ll be honest as you let me.”

“I miss your early morning company.”

“You are my favorite ‘what if’. “

“You are the best ‘I’ll never know.’ “

“I’m starting to forget what summer meant to you.”

“What did it ever mean to you?”

“Oh, I’m sorry--I didn’t mean any of it.”

“I just got too lonely.”

“In between being young and being right, you were my Versailles at night.”

“Again and again till I’m stuck in your head.”

“Had my doubts, but I let them out.”

“You are the drought, and I’m the holy water you have been without.”

“All my thoughts of you, they could heat or cool the room.”

“No, don’t tell me you cried. Oh, honey--You don’t have to lie.”

“I wish I’d known how much you loved me.”

“I wish I’d cared enough to know.”

“I’m sorry every song’s about you.”

Favorite Record

“Do you remember when we drove through the night?”

“We danced.”

“And I confessed to you, riding shotgun underneath the purple skies.

“We danced with the windows down.”

“You were the song stuck in my, every song that I’ve ever loved.”

“You can get what you want, but it’s never enough.”

“And I spin for you like your favorite records used to.”

“I can’t remember just how to forget the way we danced.”

Immortals

“They say we are what we are, but we don’t have to be.”

“I’m bad behavior, but I do it in the best way.”

“I’ll be the watcher of the eternal flame.”

“I’ll be the guard dog of all your fever dreams.”

“I am the sand in the bottom half of the hourglass.”

“I try to picture me without you; But I can’t.”

“We could be immortals, just not for long.”

“Live with me forever now.”

“You pull the blackout curtains down.”

“Sometimes the payoff for having any faith is when it’s tested again and again every day.”

“I’m still comparing your past to my future.”

“It might be your wound, but they’re my sutures.”

Twin Skeletons (Hotel in NYC)

“I don’t want to remember it all.”

“Hold on.”

“I just need enough of you to dull the pain.”

“ ‘Till we’re stripped down to our skeletons again.”

“ We’re saints just swimming in our sins again.”

“And there’s a jet black crow droning on and on.”

“Keep making trouble ‘till you find what you live.”

“I need a new partner in crime.”

“And you shrug.”

“A birth and a death on the same day.”

“I only appeared so I can fade away.”

“I wanna throw my hands in the air and scream.”

“I could just die laughing on your spiral of shame.”

“Hit it, never quit it.”

“I have been through the wreck.”

“I can string enough to show my face in the light again.”

YuuReview: Ayato Sakamaki HDB (English)

SPOILERS AHEAD! Hai, hai~! I've decided that I'd like to write a review about the routes I translate so I'll post my opinion as I complete them. I want to make clear that this is my subjective opinion and I don't have any problem with people disagreeing with me, as long as they're being respectful. I must say that Ayato is a character that I didn't like at first but as I played his routes (HDB, VC and MB) he has catched my attention and I think his development is really interesting. 

As we know, the story begins with Yui arriving to the Sakamaki mansion, where she meets the six main vampires in Haunted Dark Bridal. The game doesn't tell us why she's there because that's something we'll find out as we play the games. In this case, we'll talk about Ayato Sakamaki, an arrogant and a bit childish vampire. In the first contact with him (the prologue) he automatically tries to drink Yui's blood. Remember that the Sakamaki are noble vampires that only see humans as food. Therefore, Ayato sees her as a prey for sucking blood, and he doesn't stop when she refuses. From time to time, he plays practical jokes on Yui to scare her, which shows his childish nature. In one of them, Ayato ties her to a dartboard and threatens her with throwing a dart to her heart. But we all know that Ayato's bark is worse than his bite (very few times he actually hurts her) and he does that simply to frighten her. Sometimes I find cute this mischievous side of him. But he also has his vampire sadistic side (which all of them have, to a greater or lesser extent), like when he tells her that he enjoys seeing her tremble in fear when he's about to drink her blood. His mother Cordelia is, without doubt, a great influence (in a bad way) in Ayato's personality. She pressured him (in her desperation to be recognized by Karl Heinz) to become the next head of the Samakaki family. Ayato, as a kid, suffered a lot because of this pressure and rejection. This ended in him killing his mother later. In the Dark Epilogue, Ayato has a dream about his past and, when he wakes up, Yui notices that he looks unwell. When Ayato demands her blood, she accepts and this catches him by surprise, and even asks her if she's stupid. In this kind of moments we can see that Ayato doesn't understand what is being kind without expecting anything in return, because he never had the unconditional love you would expect from a parent. It was quite the opposite: being the best among his brothers was required for him to be considered Cordelia's son. I think that Ayato has a great fear of rejection and that's why many times he gets angry for things that may look unreasonable to us. It's as if he was trying to prevent that Yui said anything that could reject him, since what he wants the most is being accepted (he thinks he'll achieve this with power, that's why he's so obssesed with Yui's blood). There's a really important scene in the Maniac 08, where Ayato 'protects' Yui from Kanato, who tried to bite her. When Ayato starts to strangle her for being about to 'offer' her blood to other guy, Yui at first panics, but in the M option she decides to keep calm and trust that Ayato doesn't want to kill her for real (Yui shows Ayato that she trusts him with her actions, not with her words, and I think that here she realizes that's the way of showing Ayato she trusts him). Then he releases her, surprised. Ayato is unable to believe in words and that's why he's that surprised when Yui shows him she trusts him with her actions. We can see this also in the way Ayato doesn't trust Yui when she has been with any of his brothers. He has to make sure testing her or drinking her blood. From our point of view, it may be unreasonable blaming Yui because other vampire has tried to bite her, but from Ayato's point of view (because of his inability to trust), he sees it as a betrayal, even though it's nothing near that. But no matter how many times our lips meet and no matter how many times we join our bodies, probably our relationship will never be a sweet lovers one. I understand that -- . The reason is that our relationship is that of a prey and a predator that needs it. (Ecstasy 09) 

Yui knows that Ayato is still unable to love someone unconditionally, she knows that he sees her as a prey, but she has fallen in love with him. She tries to do everything possible to help him, and this is really kind considering the way Ayato has treated her. I'm not saying that she has fallen in love with him for no reason, I'm saying that Yui knows that Ayato has his own problems, and she's trying to understand his character and what has made him like that. She proves her kindness trying to understand him and help him. 

I wonder if Ayato's attachment is only to my blood. ... Lately I feel it's different. Ayato's bond to me. My feelings towards Ayato-kun. (Ecstasy 10) 

Ayato worries about Yui in his own way. For example, in the Maniac 09, knowing that Yui is anemic, he abstains from drinking her blood. Besides, very few times he hurts her for real, if we don't count the fact that he bites her (which is obvious when we are in a vampire otome game xD). Next, the endings. In the Ending 01, Ayato notices that Yui's heart is his mom's, and he fights Richter for her (Ayato wins the fight). Then, they marry and Ayato becomes the leader of the Sakamaki family and the strongest vampire, thanks to Yui's blood's power. I'd like to highlight that in the Endings 01 and 02, Ayato recognizes that Yui is not the same person as his mother, even though she has her heart. We could say that both are happy in this Ending. In the Ending 02, Ayato kills all his brothers, Richter and his father to become the head of the family as a way to claim Yui's attention. But when Yui knows this, she rejects him, and Ayato threatens her by choking. After this, Yui (because of the shock) enters a state in which she can't seem to react to any emotional stimulus. She can only say 'I love you', the words that Ayato wanted to hear. When he hears those robotic 'I love you', he realizes that Yui has become some kind of puppet because of him. Finally, in the Ending 03 (pretty traumatic tbh), Ayato doesn't recognize that Yui isn't the same person as his mother and he kills her. In the final monologue, we can see how Yui prays to God for Ayato's sake, for him to go back to how he was before, sacrificing her life. This shows the great esteem she felt for Ayato. Sadly, she couldn't prevent him from falling into madness. The last thing I wanted to say is that in the Heaven Epilogue, Ayato gets angry and bites Yui because she wanted to go to Shuu's room to return him a book, and she thinks about what she can say to stop him from distrusting her (because she thinks that that obsession hurts him). Yui tells him that she loves him and that she won't be anyone's, and Ayato hugs her tightly and says that he doesn't know how to trust others. Deep inside, he feels insecure. Yui asks him if he's scared of losing her -losing his power- and why is he so obsessed with being the best -she tells him that he doesn't need to be the best-. Ayato doesn't deny this and just makes her shut up so what she said could be real. Yui, as we can see in the final monologue, knows that Ayato can't believe in her words, even though she is being honest, and decides to transmit her love with her body: My feelings for him. My love. Everything he can't believe in. Then, one day, I believe that I can become the light that illuminates his darkness -- . (Heaven Epilogue) 

For me, this insinuates that there's still a lot left to know about Ayato and that we'll discover more about him in the next games. Then, little by little, he'll be able to learn to trust others again. I hope you liked it! See you~!

PD: What do you think about the drawing? 👀

Contract negotiations

I’ve had this sitting in my drafts since chapter five of FH. So I finished it. Have Henry being a bastard. 

“I-i-i-” He backed into a wall. Leaving the man to take in his reaction. He’d found his way in his home again. Sitting on his counter top. One leg crossed over the other. A coy smile playing on his lips.

“You you you?” The man parroted in a soothing roll. A soft chuckle following. “Relax. Relax. I’m not here to hurt you. I’m never here to HURT you. Right pet?” He slid off the counter. Placing his blue jacket over the nearest available chair.

“You say that but...” Courage died where it rose. Knowing well what this night time postman wanted. Never should have taken that deal. It sounded so good at the time.

I can make those problems go away. If you like. All I need is a good meal every so often.

“What’s wrong? Frightened?” The intruder pressed his hands against the mans shoulders, steering him towards a chair. He sat him down carefully, sweeping to the other side and leaning his chin on his palm. “Do you want to cancel the deal?”

“N-NO! No... nothing like that.” The man fidgeted. No. There was nothing wrong with the deal. The unwanted attention was fading. His family stopped harassing him. He was even managing his drinking problem better. With this beings help. He had another vice. One that chased away the nightmares.

It was... the actual vice it’s self. What actually was up in trade. “I... I’m thankful for everything you do for me. Henry. It’s just... I don’t know if this is a fair deal.” He hid his face behind his hands, leaning on the table.

“Wh- Okay. How so? Am I asking too much?” Henry leaned in, blue eyes wide, open, and inviting as always. But no. He couldn’t stare into them. That would be a mistake. Never look a vampire in the eyes. Right?

“I don’t-” He gave a pleading glance to the other. Making the mistake of looking the vampire in the eyes. Just like that, he was pinned. Staring into those blue pools. Slowly, a red haze came over them, filling the spaces where there was once white, and blue.

Henry had him trapped now. Caught. He didn’t mind, really. Just a passing thought. “Okay, elaborate.”

He couldn’t shut up. All his worries and concerns boiled up and let go right there in a constant stream. “You made them forget me. Made the people leering look away with that charm. And then you come here. Every month or so. It’s not fair. I just give you more of something you already have. I know about your home. I know you keep food on hand. So why do you even need me?”

He was released. His mind eased out of his oncoming panic, and to a sort of calming afterglow. “I see. It’s not JUST about the blood you know? I’m in a position where I can’t just do something for nothing you know?” Henry leaned away folding his hands on the table.

“So, I’m willing to change the deal. But BOTH parties must be satisfied in the end. Yes?”

He fidgeted in his seat. Wanting nothing more than to drive the being far from his home. Far from himself. Henry on the other hand, wanted an answer. Something in trade. The man took a breath. Leaning his head back in his hands. “What do you want then?”

Henry quirked a brow. Leaning back in his seat and thinking for a moment. “Oh. I could think of many things. I could have you clean my home. Perhaps we could get you under my employ. Or...Perhaps you could offer someone else. In trade?”

“W-I can’t just throw another human being at you!” He shot up from his seat. Henry watched him with mock surprise. “That’s another- I’M another person. Don’t you get that?”

“Hm. I wonder if the chopped up cow you just devoured felt the same?” The Vampire rose. Drifting into the kitchen, he began filling the sink with water. “You really should do your dishes more often my boy.”

“What?”

“Your dishes. It’s a royal pain having nothing to eat from. Wouldn’t you agree?” He added soap to the water before turning the faucet to the second basin.

The man watched him for a while. Before slowly following him to the counter. Gathering up a towel. No way he was going to owe this monster another favour. “No. I meant your point about the cow.”

A small smile flickered over Henry’s features. “Ah. Yes. THAT. Well. Let me ask you this. When you really look at the source of your meat. You look for a healthy, happy animal. Right? You’d rather your meals have the best life possible before they’re slaughtered.”

“Yeah?”

“Hm. I notice you buy ‘cruelty free’ meat as well. So you really care about this. Yes?” They’d made it through three plates and two glasses before the man even noticed how close he was to the being. He shuffled a little further from Henry.

“Well. Yeah.”

“Right. That’s a luxury I don’t often get.” Henry passed him a frying pan. Taking note of the distance between them.

“Wha-”

“Your nervous. Yes? That translates to blood. Now. I could pamper every meal. I could dip them in luxury and delight. But then. Where would people like you end up? If I never stepped in. What would have happened to you?” He leaned on the counter. Eyeing the man.

He was silent. Standing over his dish rack. “My situation would have escalated.” He grumbled.

“Hm. Exactly. Now. I’m not the nicest person about it, I understand this. But I can’t always afford to be. There are...watchmen so to speak. People to keep the balance of things. No free favours from magical beings.” The vampire shrugged.

“So. You don’t want to put me through this?” The human perked up a small bit.

His reply was a shake of the head. And a gesture to sit at the table once more. “Yes and no.” His shoulders slumped. He slowly trudged back to the indicated seat and dropped hard onto it’s surface. Groaning.

Henry swept behind him. Leaning on the man’s shoulders. “Your case is special. Normally, I just take your harassers as payment. You demanded otherwise So~” He just felt the tingle of breath raising the hairs on the back of his neck.

Luckily, Henry backed off. “But if you wish to change the agreement.” He sat himself back down in front of the man and gestured for him to speak.

The man felt his throat go dry. He had to think of something. Some more favourable situation. “I...Assume you don’t want monetary compensation?” He tried.

“Afraid not. I make good money already.” Another shrug.

“I was worried you’d say that.” He was running out of options really. “You said you had a position cleaning?”

“I was more or less joking.” Henry slumped in his seat with a sympathetic look.

The human ran a hand through his hair with a sigh. “Can we at LEAST negotiate a schedule for this? So you’re not dropping in unannounced. Leaving me anemic the next day?” He begged.

Henry’s eyes widened before he simply gave a nod. “That’s a fair request. But may I ask. Is that the ONLY problem you have with our arrangement?”

He gave it some thought. Shaking his head a moment after. “No. But it’s the one I know how to solve now.”

“Fair enough.” He folded his hands on the table leaning in to listen, “So when’s best for you?”

That night. If he were to be honest. He didn’t have work for two days. No one looking to spend time with him. Nothing to do.  He grimaced. Then there was another question that had hung in the air unanswered. “Do you actually see me as another person?”

Henry sat back, crossing his arms. “Short answer? Not really.” His heart dropped, along with his head  onto the table. Henry continued.

“You have to understand, I’m immortal. A human life is a fleeting fancy. Oh don’t get me wrong. I’ve not forgotten my roots. I’ll never go out of my way to bring misery to the undeserving. But to me, you’re about as much of a person as a cat, or a dog. Recognized as a friend. But not quite on the same level as you.” A cold hand pet his hair while the man absorbed this.

“I can’t afford to think of you on the same level. It would only bring heartbreak.” He glanced up slowly to a sympathetic smile.

With a groan of despair the human announced “Tonight’s fine. I’ll text you my days off at the end of the thirty days.”

Henry gave a short nod. Standing to pull the man onto his feet. “You’re still tense. Do you want me to put you under first?”

“No. I have to face the music some time.” He was tugged towards the sofa. Shirt removed from his person as Henry began the usual preparations. A juice box and cookies within reach. A soft blanket was folded behind the mans back.

Finally Henry emerged from the bathroom with a warm washcloth and a bowl of water. Like he lived there. “Where do you want it?”

“I guess the usual place works. You’re oddly caring for someone who sees me as a cow.” He allowed his head to be tilted. Feeling the warmth of the cloth clean away any sweat or dead skin from the area.

“Mh. If your cows could talk at you, wouldn’t you make concessions for their comfort?” The Vampire made a point to lay the heated fabric on the mans shoulder. Just letting it relax the muscle below the skin.

“I don’t think I’d actually eat anything from a talking creature.” The human retorted, holding the cloth in place while Henry prepared the last of it. His nerves causing a sick twist in his gut.

Henry pulled the cloth away. Taking a firm hold of the human before him. “Fair point. I don’t have a choice in the matter. Ready?” There was something cold about his handling. Though Henry was by all means caring in the general sense, he was all business when it came down to it.

It made this arrangement worse if the man were to be honest with himself. Couldn’t this mean something to the vampire? “Uh. I changed my mind. Can you put me under?” It would make it easier. He didn’t have to think when his brain was mush. Didn’t have to remember a damn thing if he didn’t want to.

There was an affirmative hum, before the man was made to look Henry in the eyes. Suddenly there was no worry, no pain, no cares, just an easy sense of calm. Henry nudged his head aside, there was a mild sting. Something moving numbly against his shoulder, and an odd pull started to drag him back to consciousness.

His head was foggy, and he was more than aware Henry was drinking still. One hand rested beside them. The other held the man steady. Talking would only get him a warning squeeze to his shoulder. So, in dull silence, the man waited it out.

It was odd. Having a someone as old as his grandfather sink his teeth into his neck. Though this interaction was starting to become normal. A slight pain, a moment or two of sitting patiently while this bastard was way too close for comfort. Then a full month away from him. Until he inevitably invaded the apartment all over again. The man regretted his lasting permissions to enter.

Finally Henry released him. His shoulder ached as he was held in place, and cleaned off. A salve was massaged into the wound. He knew it. It would itch for an hour then fade, along with the injuries. Henry made a point to place a heavy bandage on it.

Afterwards, he was manipulated into a comfortable position, one of his DvDs played quietly in the background. Henry was seated a respectful distance away. “You can go, you know. I’m not going to go jumping off any roofs.” The man sighed.

“No. But you can be childish at times. I’m simply staying around until the bite heals.”

“Prick.”

“Yup. Now shut up and drink your juice box.” Henry smirked.

Writing and Recasting for Five Years

Writers

Writers Auditions: CLOSED. Additions to the writing team will be announced on August 13th.

Recasting

Recasts: OPEN. Recasts are scheduled to close November 14th, and will be pushed back two weeks if more time is needed.

Additional Info on Recasts:

• Why are you recasting? 

Some actors are either too busy, were mainly selected because they were the only ones to audition for certain parts, or do not truly reflect the racial, ethnic, or other backgrounds of various characters. At the time of casting I was inexperienced and young, and now want to be better in how I conduct my affairs when writing characters that aren't apart of my particular minority groups.

• What does that mean for me?

It means that I would greatly prefer it if white voice actors didn't audition for non white roles, and will not consider auditions of white VAs for non white roles, as well as cis actors for transgender or otherwise gender variant roles. 

• You've had years to write this podcast, why isn't it up?

My computer broke last winter, meaning we couldn't really edit audio, and due to the school year, a lot of us became less involved in the podcast. Due to this I've spent a lot of time researching things for the podcast and reflecting on choices I made, quite a few of which were hasty and ill informed. 

• how many auditions do you have?

I've had two eligible people contact me expressing interest in auditions, but have not as of yet received any in either my email, or the submissions on the official blog.

Characters being recast:

Bayzli Jancsi Lakatoš

 Gender: cisgender male

 Sexuality: biromantic and ace

A 21 year old Romani Jew that hails from Poland. Is working a 3 year contract under Captain Baker. He is neat and orderly, and while outgoing, is easily tired when dealing with people he doesn't like or know very well. He is known to notice things about others very quickly, and can remember minor comments people have made from years or months prior with near perfect clarity, is a tad self righteous, and does not back down from challenges or insults.

 Voice: young, on the deeper side, has an almost calming quality to it, frequently described as fruity or honeyed, has a Polish accent

Sample voice lines:

  "Oops... I really did not mean to do that, I swear. If you are mad about that, please do not kill me."

"Hey! What about that time you almost got our arms made into jerky?"

Keone Maata

  Gender: mahulani (identifies closer with female than male, AMAB)

   Sexuality: she doesn't know or care

A 17 year old Maori-Kanaka Maoli engineering prodigy from Washington DC. Working a contract, like Bayzli. She prefers to be alone, and spends almost as much time reading on new innovations as she does on making her own.  She gets anxious in large crowds, and cannot stand the smell of chalk. She is highly enthusiastic and persistent when it comes to her personal projects, takes things too personally, and is easily embarrassed. She is mistrustful of others, spiteful, is noted for having a bizarre humor, and makes decisions based on how she feels more so than what others view as logical.

  Voice: a bit raspy, husky, tenor range, has a classically dark voice- think old timey femme fatale actresses, but a bit deeper. 

Sample voice lines:

  "ZHENYA, THERE’S A PANCAKE DRINKING MY BLOOD, GET IT OFF!"

" Yeah, but considering what I haven’t fixed yet it could have been soooo much worse. Now c’mon, I want this pancake off me." 

Hannah Marilou Arrisen

 Gender: aylonit (classically, a type of intersex recognized in Judaism, but she identifies with it as a gender)

 Sexuality: pansexual 

A 18 year old passenger on the Lightning Struck from Harlem, NY. Very proudly black and Jewish. Pisses off everyone with her late night chemistry experiments involving fireworks and explosives. ADHD, bad at prioritizing and making decisions, frequently forgets what she's supposed to be doing, has an idealistic and upbeat worldview. Is notably dismissive of things she doesn't view as important, and is judgemental of those who get in her space. Can talk circles around most people, especially when aided by her brother.

  Voice: high, clear, silvery. Commands attention. 

Sample voice lines:

  "Did- did those pancakes just move?"

"Oh, yeah, that’s a brilliant plan, not like that might not work and go horribly wrong or anything."

Jans Antinous Arrisen

  Gender: transgender male

  Sexuality: gay

A 18 year old pen artist, musician, and aspiring legal consultant from Harlem, NY. Hannah's twin brother. Jans is fearless, vain, compulsive, disorganized, and easy to agitate. He is notably flamboyant, a lover of decadence, logical, confident, and quite charming. His sister has described him as "the personification of an eyebrow waggle and wink". He is intelligent and specializes in convincing or confusing people who he views as potential adversaries. He is anemic from long term radium exposure. 

  Voice: soft spoken, airy, and frequently sing song. Has issues breathing. 

Sample voice lines:

  "Technically, it's not on fire."

"We could- hear me out here- we could eat them."

Captain Florence Aria Baker

Gender: cis female

Sexuality: AroAce

A young black Muslim woman and former military captain. Capitain Baker was discharged after an accident where she lost her arm and most of her unit died. She refuses to speak about the incident, citing trauma, but the truth is much darker than the military would have you believe. She is passionate, no nonsense, hyper viligant, and at times controlling. She has come to hate the military, and is aggressively anti war. She is also notably charming, considerate, and future oriented.

Voice: on the deep side, like Hannah it commands attention

Sample voice lines: “I said set a small fire! This is not small!”

“Okay. There’s a secret room on this ship. That’s… fine. Great.”

Nadia Klara Pasternak (newly up for recast)

Gender: cis female

Sexuality: bisexual

Nadia is an 18 year old, and former gladiator. She has a love of reading and an extensive knowledge of interesting but useless words, and a very good knowledge of weaponry and various fighting styles. She grew up in the Aphrodite province on Mars, under the rule of Baron Semen. She is of Ukrainian-Mongol descent, and is autistic. She tends to avoid people she doesn't know, and often is quiet even around those she does know. She is compassionate towards those she views as misunderstood, and is patient and honest. She takes action quickly and enjoys working with others (hence why she often gets roped into the twins schemes), but is also skeptical and at times introverted. Like Jans, she is vain.

Voice: bubbly, has a soft Ukrainian accent. Doesn't sound like a girl who likes fighting.

Sample voice lines: "How about you lose!"

"Technically it is outwardly digesting you. Like a pineapple!"

What to include in audition: name, age (if comfortable), pronouns, contact information, previous experience (if any), and who you're auditioning for. Send all auditions to @fiveyearsthepodcast via the submission box, or to our email [email protected]. If you can't audition, please do us the favor of spreading the word.

Take me back to the night we met .0

The next morning I did my fair share of traslating texts (I’m a linguist) and finished up after midday to catch the bus out of town to spend the rest of the weekend at my family lake home. During the one hour ride I checked my insta multiple times (like people check the fridge) to see if maybe D had posted anything, even a story. I had liked a couple of his posts that same morning. I felt oddly drawn to him, this wouldn’t be the first time a boy had gotten my attention, but this was a boy I knew almost nothing about. hence odd.

The day with family was nothing out of the ordinary, we did some planting, some watering, I took a wonderful long walk along the lake, breathed in that late spring merky lake water and felt in place. It was around dinner time, when I was sitting down on the cold sandy lake shore staring into the cold water thinking about what this coming summer may bring, that my phone notified me that I have recieved a DM, from no other than my new-made friend.

I panic. A lot. My hands get sweaty and shaky. My heart races. And since my blood pressure is already low, it drops even lower and as my head starts to spin everything tends to go black as I feel like I am about to pass out. So now yall know just how I felt as a reaction to that text I recieved. It was a hello and a thank you to me liking D’s posts. I wasn’t sure how to react, can’t just say “oh, don’t mention it”, (by the way - I also overthink. Overthink everything). And as I was nervously trembling my thumb over the keyboard, he texted again - how’s it going, whachu up to. I am that much of a weirdo, that it took me about 20 minutes to get myself together to reply to that little message! God help me. After that, everything seemed so much easier. It’s as if we’ve been chatting for ages, like we knew each other. We hit the keys back and forth until well after midnight, just finding out everything about each other. Movies to recommend, music that is life, flavored tobacco etc. I ended up passing out at some point and kind of left him hanging, to which he waited for an hour, and bid me good night. The next morning I felt stink that I passed out without warning, so I sent a few random messages, so that when he woke up - we’d have something to go on.

It was just after lunch time, while we were packing up for the long drive home that D replied. My hands were kind of busy so I took my time with getting back to him, which I wish I hadn’t. D figured I was preoccupied, so after a few texts, he sent a voice message asking if I were keen to have coffee later today, hinting that it would be a lot easier to have this conversation in person. I don’t think I need to mention how nervously I agreed to have coffee with him. And after 3 hours of washing the smell of burnt wood, old leafs and paint off me, after putting on a full face of make up, then washing it off cause it was waaaaaaaaaay too much, and doing it all over again - I felt like I was ready to have coffee.

We met at a coffee palace in an atrium of a near by hotel. Me being me, too resposible to be late EVER, arrived early. I had been sitting down with my tea reading from my phone when D walked in. In the few moments while he looked around to find me, hung his coat and ordered a coffee, I got a decent look at him, properly. D wasn’t much taller than me, I’d say we were about the same height. His dark, near black hair was streaked with natures highlights, at the young age of just 22 his head was was flowing with grey hairs. To be fair, much like mine, but I felt the pressure of society to cover that up in order to avoid questions of why I had so much grey hair while being only 26. I couldn’t tell much about his physique due to a baggy sweater and straight cut jeans. As D sat down and we started talking, I got a good look at his eyes. They were a mixture of colors I had yet not witnessed. Much like hazel, but darker, a lot more mahogany in his iris. But when the setting sun which lit up the atrium hit the top of the building behind my back and shined into his face, I saw a million emerald sparks that had settled all around the hazelhunt iris. They were overshined by the amber streaks that made his iris look like a golden sky of constelations, as for the every jade spot, a golden line would lead from there, to another one. I must’ve dazed off and had began to stare as I noticed that D was now quietly checking out my appearance, which must’ve made me blush like a mad woman since he smiled from ear to ear, and said that he was just mirroing me. Now that might sound awkward, but I suddenly felt right in place, as if I hadn’t been blushing cause D had caught me staring. In place, like there was nothing wrong with me getting a closer look at him. And I knew D felt the same, well, cause he told me that there was nothing wrong with him noticing that I too have oddly colored eyes, that my freckles don’t settle much over my face other than my nose, but they are well spread over my neck, collar bone and shoulders, like stars. Now that one made me blush.

We talked, a lot, a few hours worth, about everything. The tea had been refilled and there was a few origami roses made from table tissues. It was almost dark, the sun was barely getting through the tall buildings which this town was made of, when D offered that we take a walk down a few blocks from said hotel to the place where we had met, the place where he no longer worked but is always welcomed at, and smoke a delighful sheesha - LBB. That sounded fantastic. A lovely way to end an evening, a weekend. I’m saying the word end as if this person wasn’t to stay in my life. As if he wouldn’t occupy my mind for the next year and a half (so far) and that I wouldn’t go a single day without thinking of him. As if I wouldn’t grown to hate him at moments but feel the biggest relief when I would see him and wouldn’t be able to help myself but to smile when he was around.

The walk didn’t take long thankfully as it had gotten rather chilly outside and my leather jacket wasn’t doing a great job at keeping me cozy anymore. I shared my ear buds and we listened to my infinte playlist as we continued to talk about random things. At LBB we met up with O and M and sat down for an evening filled with sheesha and Monopoly (which I hate but we were short on entertainment). I realised that the clock had stricked after mid night only when O reminded me that we were to start work earlier on Mondays due to her physical therapy after a minor bike incident she had while in Bali. M began to pack up the game as her boyfriend (N) arrived to chill a little and then drive her home. I looked at D and he mentioned that time does fly when you’re enjoying yourself, and with a suddent blast of confidence I said (not asked) - “walk me home”. With my peripheral vision I saw how O’s facial expression changed in a smile of surprise to a nod of being impressed, she hadn’t seen me flirt before and knew how shy and socialy awkward I can be.

As we stepped outside, O kissed me goodnight and got into her cab, D said that we were taking a different route this time, a longer one. I asked if that was a good idea due to the temperature taking quite a drop and how I wasn’t dressed appropriately for a long walk. D told me not to worry, he said he’ keep me warm. As he took my hand I felt his palm tremor, his hand was so warm but rough skinned yet oddly comforting - “your hands are so cold, it’s insane!”. Having low blood pressure, being anemic and it being cold outside was a triple threat, but with my newly found blast of confidence I quickly remembered a witty come back “they’re not half as cold as just under oxygenated” (yes I do enjoy The Fault in Our Stars). D’s smile grew fondly as he took a step towards the garth’s and nodded his head in the direction of the street lit alleys, as if asking me to follow him. I think at that point it hit me - this was a date, and oh boy was I happy about it. As we walked towards my house we discussed the causes of anemia and my witty remarks about how not everyone was given the gift of having a 1000 degree body temperature, seriously, this guy was like his own sun. And the topic of being single came up too. Not one I favor to discuss, but I layed all my cards out in front of him - make sure that it was all on the table and so he knew that I don’t enjoy letting people in, making sure he knows that goodbyes are hard on me.

Turned out M lived only a few blocks away from me since D mentioned that he felt like I was taking him to her place as we got closer to mine. The conversation was growing quiter as we reached the entrance of my apartment buidling and his hand had gotten hotter as well as mine sweatier (face palm). We both knew that this date was bound to come to an end at some point, but neither of us had wanted that point to any time soon. We stood at the door, I jangled my keys trying to not look at him because I didn’t know what would come next. I mean I knew what I wanted to come next, but plans don’t always coexist in seperate minds. To be honest I found myself at that rare moment when my mind drew a complete blank. Nothing, not even a tumbleweed. D was still holding my hand, and was at an arms reach when he took a step closer towards me turning that distance nonexistant. I nervously looked up and met his stare. I could tell D was slightly worried about what was to come also, but trust me, not like I was. We looked at each other a few seconds as he told me that he’s really like to kiss me right now, followed by permission to do so, asking me - ‘what do you think about that”. “I find myself not thinking at all right now” I replied honestly. D leaned his head forward, took my face into his hands and our lips locked. I’m not gonna say it was magical. That would be the understatement of the century. My lips were bigger, much bigger than his, so with every lock we made I got to feel every chap in his dry lips, every curve his tongue made when he’d try to lick his own lips in the quick betweens of head movements. His left hand still holding my face and his right hand had slowly moved down my neck, over my shoulder and under my arm to my weist and pushing my torso into his. I in return had my left hand on his shoulder, sinking my fingers into it as if terrified that at any moment he would dissappear. My right hand was on the back of his neck at the contour of the hair line and bare skin. Gently running my fingers upwards into his short hair, clenching all I could in a fist and pushing my face into his.

I don’t know how long we were kissing in front of the entrance but it must have been a while since the motion detector light went off and we were standing in complete darkness when D’s phone had rung and interrupted us. He pulled his face away, and removed his left hand from my face to get his phone, whilst keeping him right hand on my weist, as if to let me know that we were not done here. It was M, calling to inform him that while she was closing up, she had found his back pack and if he would like her to drop it off or if he’d prefer the keys to the lounge so that he can later pick it up himself. He said that he’d prefer the keys due to not being ready to go home quiet yet. D winked at as he said that last bit and pulled me closer. I blushed knowing that this not ending just yet and that there may be more to come. We held each other and talked for the next 5 to 7 minutes while waiting for M and N to drive up and hand D the keys to LBB. We saw them pull into the parking lot and as M hopped out and walked towards us I could tell she was feeling at least slightly excited. Her big brown eyes were lit with sparks and her large nude colored lips were moving in in a smirk, the girl knew she had interrupted something juicy. We exchanged pleasantries as she handed over the keys and wished us a “most sensible” night and laughed as she hugged me goodbye. As D and I watched them drive off into the night, we giggled like we were 15 and had just been caught by the school staff while making out behind the bleachers or something. I said that I can not invite him inside my apartment as I do not live alone, but we could at least move this party to the stairs in the entrance hall way. So we did.

I think I’d like to leave the rest to another tbc

Diabolik Lovers Para-Selene Vol. 5 Sakamaki Laito (TRANSLATION)

Hi~

I already have 400 followers, WOW! :D So it’s a present for all my wonderful followers~ Thank you! ^^ This time it’s Laito’s new drama CD! ^^

After bad Lost Eden, I expected a lot of this drama and I have to say I really enjoyed it! :D

As always, special thanks to @violet-sin for the opportunity to listen and translate this amazing drama CD! <3 :D

If you spot any mistakes, please let me know, so I can correct them. Thanks! :D

And please don’t repost!

Story:

You were spending your sweet, happy days with Laito. But one day, because of Para-Selene - a phenomenon which created light around the moon - you lost all your memories of Laito. Reason for your amnesia is a Para-Selene illness, but he noticed that your memories will eventually come back, so he enjoys your condition and repeats over and over again your former pleasure - sucking blood. And in this act you notice your feeling for him… Memories of love awakened by pain. In the end, will you be able to remember your beloved one…?

TRACK 1: Crushed strawberries

*Laito walks in*

Bitch-chan~ Nfu. You don’t have to be so surprised. How cruel~ I’m just worried about you. Yes. Because you looked sick before. And since you’re already in the bed, it looks like my guess was right. Are you okay, Bitch-chan? Oh! Nfu~ Oops. Why do you try to run away? Are you hiding something from me? You can’t have secrets from your lover.  Hmm~ Okay. Even without being told your kind Laito-kun can consider your feelings, you know? Nfu. Don’t worry. You can just leave everything to me. Okay, first you should sleep in your bed again. I understand that you’re sick. But it doesn’t look like a cold. Maybe you’re just longing for someone? Nfufu~  Looks like my guess wasn’t bad. Well, but I’m a vampire - person you want the most to be by your side. Nfufu~ Bitch-chan, you became quite useful. But what a shame. I’m not going to do weird things to you. I only want to make you feel good. *sucking blood* Hmm? Today your blood is different than usual. It feels like halfway crushed strawberries. I’ve never tasted such flavour before.  Hmm~ It’s not so bad from time to time. *sucking* Nfu~ Mm. Are you feeling good? I don’t hate it when you give in to your desires. Just the opposite, it becomes unbearable. What’s wrong? It almost looks like you are begging me. Is it a sign that you want me to suck your blood again, Bitch-chan? Nfu~ Bitch-chan, your pale shoulder is really beautiful. When I think about your blood flowing down there, I’m getting aroused. *sucking* How is it? You like being sucked from this place, right? Nfu~ You suddenly became quiet. You’re so easy to understand it’s getting awkward. You have such a nice scent, you’re so bitchy. But I love this side of you. Nfufu~ You’re disgusted. How cruel. Those were my true feelings. A girl like you needs… Ah~ *sucking*  You don’t want from your ear? Liar. I know you like it. Come on, let’s enjoy it more. I’m really aroused right now. *sucking* You became a lot better at it too. Your face is all red. And you’re sweating a little. Ah, you became my ideal Bitch-chan. It sounds like a lie, since it’s a huge change from our first meeting. You remember it, right? Only thrusting my fangs was enough to make you cry and complain of pain. Ah, right. You didn’t show me such face for a long time. Hey, if I suck you hard, will you cry for me? Hmm, well, you’re right. Bitch-chan likes pain, so you would just enjoy it. It’s okay with me, but… I guess I’ll stop here. You know, it will be bad if you become anemic. Also, being forced to wait for something you really want will just make your expectation bigger, so it’s not a bad thing. Hey, will you move a little to the left? I want to sleep with you. *Laito lies down next to you* You want someone to be by your side, right? That’s why I’ll sleep with you. How is it? Snuggling up to your heart and body like this. Don’t you think I’m nice? Oh? That’s a quite honest thanks. Nfu~ You became happy, just because I was worried about you? Oh, geez, you’re such a simple girl. Just kidding. Let’s sleep. Come closer. Hey, do you feel at ease when I’m embracing you closely like this? Or maybe you’re getting excited and can’t sleep? That’s no good. Close your eyes. Otherwise, I’ll continue what we were doing before. Nfufu~ Oh? You’re honestly obeying me? What a shame. I wanted to mess around with you a little. Well, I can do this when you fall asleep. Just kidding. Nfu~ Your body is so hot. Even my cold chest is getting warm. Goodnight, Bitch-chan. I wish you the most exciting dreams. *kiss*

Did you fall asleep? Ah, you’re completely relaxed. This sleeping face isn’t bad, but… it’s unsatisfying. Recently, your behavior shows that you got used to me. It’s so boring.

Hmm… *yawn* Bitch-chan? …What’s wrong? Did you wake up? Then I can help you completely lose your consciousness-… Bitch-chan? Is there something outside the window? Ah, that moon is kinda mysterious. It’s so hazy, it almost looks like there are two moons. I know it’s interesting to look at. But I’ll get jealous, if you look at it too eagerly. Instead of the moon, look at me-… Ah… What is it? My head…! Bitch-chan… *collapse*

TRACK 2:  Dripping drops

 Why am I in the bathroom? Ouch! My head still hurts… Ah. Bitch-chan? Are you okay? Why are we here? For now, let’s go back to the room... What’s wrong? Why are you running away? Huh?! What are you saying so suddenly?  I’m your really important and precious lover, Laito-kun of course. Are you half awake or something? Or maybe you’re spacing out because I drank too much of your blood? Nfufu~ Why are you so surprised? You know it very well. That I’m a vampire who is driven crazy by your blood. Oops. Where are you going? Hey, hey. It’s not like you to struggle like this just because I grabbed your arm, Bitch-chan... Eeh?! You’re bothered by it only now?! But before going to bed, I called you “Bitch-chan” plenty of times. Hmm… Your reactions are really weird after all. After I fainted, did someone do something to you? You don’t know anything? What do you mean? Ah! Don’t tell me… You lost your memories?! You really don’t remember anything? About what we did before? And even my name? Impossible… But why? Everything was normal just a while ago... Ah. Maybe it’s because of those two moons… A Para-Selene illness? I see. That’s why… Ahaha! I like it~ How interesting! I shouldn’t have worried so much. Everything will go back to normal after some time. So we have to enjoy this situation for now. “Para-Selene illness” is the name of your disease. That’s why you were feeling bad tonight. Because you have demonic blood in your veins, you caught that illness. We are inside an illusion you’re seeing right now. It looks like I got dragged into this too. Tonight is going to be really fun. Because you’re acting just like when we first met, Bitch-chan. Well, well, details can wait. The most important thing is that you have an amnesia, so we have to bring your memories back. As far as I know, the only way to retrieve memories it to revive a memory that left a strong impact on you and make you remember it again. So we should try different things until you remember something. Different things mean different things, for example… making you feel extremely good. I like that reaction! I haven’t seen it for so long. Bitch-chan who hates it is the cutest. But stay still for a second. Ah, I’m sorry. Did it hurt? I got too carried away. Empty bathtub is hard like a rock. Wait a minute. I’ll fill it with water. Yes, yes. The same reaction as at that time. I remember it clearly now. At that time I did the same thing. I cornered you in the bathroom and, with our clothes still on, I poured water… How is it? I did the same thing. Did your memories come back? Nfufu~ Then I have to do more. What to do you say? Do you feel good?  Maybe water pressure is too strong and you can’t breathe? But your painful expression is wonderful.  And you enjoy getting hurt, right? I love this face so much it’s unbearable. Show me more. Ah~ So cold… That’s why you’re trembling so much. But don’t worry, I’m going to warm you up now. Nfu~ Don’t be so scared. If you treat me like this, I will want to tease you more. To tell the truth, I wanted to start it more dramatically, but when I saw your face, I couldn’t help but want your blood. *sucking* Ah~ Bitch-chan, your blood is so hot. This taste makes me lose my mind. Hey, this is your first bloodsucking after memory loss, I wonder if you already feel good?  Why are you resisting? It will get even more fun from now. You can still experience a lot of pain… Pain and extraordinary pleasure. For example, if I bite your ear… Hey, it hurt more that before, right? But, don’t worry, it will feel good soon. Let me hear you scream more.  In return, I’ll pierce you with my fangs once again… You know, Bitch-chan, you can’t say things like that. If you want me to stop, you have to say: “Please, continue~!” You sure you don’t want to say anything? At this rate, I may just eat your ear. I get it. I’ll listen to your wish and con-ti-nue~ *sucking* *laughing* What a blunder, Bitch-chan! You are naturally so easy to deceive, right? Or maybe you’re just good at tempting? You possess a natural instinct to instigate people. This part of you is cute too~ Clothes are sticking to your skin, it looks so lascivious. Your shoulders look so good. Ah, don’t move. Come on, blood is dripping. What a waste. *licking* Ah, I can smell your blood - that luscious scent which always drives me crazy. *laughing* You are scared after all. I wonder how do you see me now, Bitch-chan? I’m curious~ I’m enjoying you and things we do. You have to enjoy this situation too. If you don’t, it’s a big harm. Even if I say so, I know you’re going to cry, struggle and hate it. That’s okay. Resist as much as you wish. I’m going to enjoy it together with your Para-Selene illness. Hmm? Because when moon returns to normal, your memories will come back too. Before that I want to enjoy the Bitch-chan who hated me. Nfu~ Eh? That’s right. I’m your true lover. You probably don’t remember it now, but you normally enjoy this kind of erotic play. I only want to make you feel extremely good. In that way I can enjoy it too. It’s give & take. Don’t be so disgusted by it. Is it still not enough? Then I have to make you feel even better. Like in a dream that disappears when you wake up. Let’s enjoy the best pleasure. *sucking*

TRACK 3: The thing reflected in the mirror is…

 Bitch-chan~ Bitch-chan! Wake up! Wake. Up! Are you still sleepy? Good morning, Bitch-chan. I didn’t think you would faint like this. Well, not like I'm one to talk, since I got dizzy myself and when I noticed, I was already here. It looks like a mirror house. Look. Your anxious face is reflected on walls and ceiling. Don’t you think it’s pretty? Come on, don’t struggle. I’m especially hugging you after all. Be happier about it. Hmm, I can let you go, but wherever you go, there is no exit. Nfu~ Your desperate expression is arousing too. Hey, Bitch-chan. We were sent here because of an illusion created by your Para-Selene illness. Which means, the real you wants to be loved by me here. You think so? Then let’s try it out. Hey, look in the mirror. There is anxious and full of contradictions face of a girl who was pushed down by me and now expects what will happen with her. In the end, you just pursue pleasure. It’s just like you. *sucking* You can’t run away. You have to properly look at… *sucking* yourself – being pleased by my fangs. *sucking* Oh? You were screaming so much a moment ago, and now you’re so quiet. You’re feeling good after all. You’re such a simple girl. Nfu~ I’m not wrong. Because you’re the Bitch-chan who loves feeling good. Hmm… Are you still going to deny it? Okay, I give up. I’m tired of this argue. So… admit it already. *sucking* Loosen your body. Take a deep breath and feel only my fangs. *sucking* See? You can’t oppose me anymore. Even though you lost your memories, your body remembers it well. But it’s convenient for you, right? Look at your melted face. Hey, Bitch-chan, it’s cruel to close your eyes like that. Jeez. *kiss* Come on, open your eyes, since you have such a good expression right now. Look in the mirror. Otherwise I’ll pierce your body in a more dangerous place. Hmm~ Good girl. Lift you head, Bitch-chan. What can you see with your eyes? Nfufu~ You’re embarrassed, but you like it. I’m enjoying it too. It’s laughable. Your reactions are the same like at that time. Hey, be happier about it. You love it after all, don’t you? Hmm… Bitch-chan, enough with your innocent act. Enjoy it with me already. I guess it’s obvious that your old self hated it. But you know what? That’s enough. I’m already satisfied. I had a feeling that we lacked stimulation lately, so I was excited about you hating it, but I’m done now. After all, if you’re not my normal Bitch-chan, I can’t sincerely enjoy it. How long will that illusion last? Isn’t it too long already… Huh? What happened so suddenly? Why do you say I look sad? Don’t look at me with those eyes. Usually you’re really slow, so why only at times like this you become so perceptive? You’re right. I’m probably lonely. Because you easily forgot about me. It might be not like me, but I really don’t know what to do. If my old self saw me now, he would be disappointed. I’m kidding. But saying it to this you, Bitch-chan, is meaningless. You’ve finally called me “Laito-kun”.  I’m happy. Enough of this depressing talk. Your memories haven’t come back yet, so we don’t have other choice but to enjoy this situation. If we revive a memory that left a strong impact on you, this illusion will end. So we have to make you remember a really vivid memory. From where should I suck now? Hey, where do you want? I guess you won’t tell me. Then I have to make you melt, until you will beg for more without thinking. Bitch-chan, you like from your ear, right? Ah…! My head… again… as if it’s making fun of us. Where… will it take us… this time? I hope… it will be far more interesting place than this one.

TRACK 4: Something that can be believed

 Where are we? A guest room in a certain castle in the Demon’s World. Right. You don’t know anything. About words that you gave me here and things I wished… And that I was able to start a new life here. You can’t remember it, right? Even though it’s such a strong memory. Maybe for you I meant only that much. Just kidding. It’s not a phrase which should be told by a guy who enjoyed himself a moment ago. I was swayed by your memories and now my own memories swayed me. What a joke. I’m in the mood to play a jester. Hey, your Para-Selene illness can be cured, right? A Para-Selene illness, in other words Para-Selene Syndrome, that’s the name of your illness. As far as I know, only when this strange moon is in the sky, people who caught this illness will lost their memory. Lost memories become illusions and imprison people around in hallucinations. That’s why when you regain your memories, illusion will vanish. But I forgot about one important thing. What if your memories won’t come back? There is always such possibility. No one can say otherwise. You may forget our time together for good. And we will forever live in the past. It’s hilarious. We didn’t even notice our dangerous situation, because we were preoccupied with momentary pleasure. What I want is not a miserable play. What’s wrong? You even sat next to me. Do you pity me? I can’t understand you. Why are you worried about me? You shouldn’t want me to get close to you, you know? Unlike you, I remember everything. How much you hated me at first. But then you held onto me after all and melted my heart little by little. It’s funny. Really laughable. Eventually you even said you “love me”. And I also… I also… finally noticed that I love you… But it’s not this you.  It’s no use if it’s not Bitch-chan. Hmm… I wonder if your great effort will be enough to bring back memories. If you want to go so far just for me, then… even if I try to kill you, you will cooperate, right? To make you remember a selected memory - it’s a trigger to bring back your memories. Hey, do you understand? It means that if I do something horrible to you, your memories may come back. You are so frightened, do you think you can trust me? …Why? That’s a hypocrisy. You’re just pitying me. Don't be so conceited. You don’t have any memories, so how dare you even say something like that? You’re just affected by your good nature. Such lip service… when your life is in danger, all this will obviously become unsightly and dubious. You have a beautiful neck… It looks like it can be tighten with ease. Just like that. You poor thing. Your mouth is flapping open and closed. Does it hurt? I don’t intend to kill you. I’m just waiting until you show your unsightly true character. Ah, it must be painful. Oops, that was close. You can’t lose your consciousness. Nfufu~ That’s right. You should breathe in some air while you have time. Since you won’t be able to catch your breath now.  *kiss* It’s dried up inside your mouth. Should I wet it with your blood? Sucking from your tongue is also pleasant. *sucking* It’s mixed with your saliva, so delicious... *sucking* Hey, being sucked while you can’t breathe feels good, right? And your head is all hazy. Don’t you feel pleasure slowly filling up your whole body?  You’re completely exhausted. You won’t say that you’re giving up now, right? Since you’ll regain your memories for this poor me, right? You have to accompany me till the end. Or maybe you want to run away after all? Why… are you so stubborn? You don’t remember me. And you’re shaking so much. You’re just a hypocrite. That’s the only reason you’re doing something like that. Or maybe that wasn’t enough for you? Then try tasting it for dear life... this pleasure I give you... Then maybe this time I’ll suck from your chest… Aah. What’s with that face? It’s so sluttish. Try to resist like before. Come on, hurry up. Tsk. Why? Why are you trying to accept me? You lost all your memories, so why do you act like you can see through everything? …Why do you eat your heart out? There is no reason for you to suffer. I’m the one… who is suffering. That’s right. I’m suffering. It hurts so much. I want you to love me… from the bottom of your heart. Ah! Bitch-chan…? Are you sure it’s okay… to do something like this? If you embrace me like this, I don’t know what I will do to you…. That’s… a clincher. Even without memories, you said you will accept me. It makes me want to believe you… Hey, can I believe you? Will you say that you truly love me? Me too… Bitch-chan, you really are a strange girl. You’re the only one who can throw me off like that. *kiss* Does your neck… hurt? I’m sorry. I grabbed it too hard. Let me apologize. I’ll make you feel better with all my might. *sucking* Do you feel better now? I was drinking your blood really gently. What a cute face. Bitch-chan, you like being sucked from here, right? *sucking* Nfu~ Just like I thought. I can tell how much you enjoy this just by looking at your twitching fingers. Because we did it so often. *sucking*  Bitch-chan, let’s… hold hands.  I’ll pour my feelings into you. You too, give me… your feelings. Yeah. Thank you. *sucking*

TRACK 5: Honeymoon time

 This time it’s Bitch-chan’s room, huh? Jeez. How long will it last? Ah, hey, Bitch-chan, don’t get up so suddenly! Eh? You remember? Everything? Do you remember everything?! Really?! I’m so glad! Then it’s not the illusion anymore. We finally came back to reality. That last bloodsucking must have become a trigger. But I didn’t do anything special. So why? I see. Because my feelings reached you. I guess it’s an honor that it was your most important memory. Anyway, I’m so glad. I’m already fed up with that Para-Selene. It made me feel so lonely. Oh, right. I can’t sleep because of these unpleasant feelings. Heey, I still can’t believe that your memories really came back. Will you let me make sure? A question for you. Where is the place I lately really like sucking from? Nfu~ The true Bitch-chan should know it. Okay, you have 5 seconds left to answer. Do your best. Boo-poo. Wrong answer. That’s your favorite spot, right? Correct answer is your whole-bo-dy ♥. Ahh~ What a shame, Bitch-chan. You’re a bad girl, lying about your memories like that. I have to punish you~ *kiss* Nfu~ Looking blankly like that… my kisses weren’t a good punishment? You want me to be rougher? Ah, Bitch-chan will always be Bitch-chan. Oh, nfufu~ You got mad at me. But you love that me too, right? Nfu~ Of course you do. Now I can believe your words. Nfufu~ Is this supposed to be a vow? Then don’t break it for your whole life. I never want to be forgotten again. You can dominate me in other ways, okay? *kiss*

Ah, Bitch-chan, found you! You weren’t in your room. So you came to the living room. What are you doing? Eh? Really? Don’t tell me you don’t feel well and you’re resting? Did Para-Selene illness… Ah, don’t scary me like that. Then it’s anemia? Maybe I drank a little too much of your blood yesterday. It’s because you were tempting me so much. Nfu~ Bitch-chan must be like that after all. Your face is getting red. Hey, Bitch-chan, I wonder if you forget me again, will you be able to remember me once again? Nfu~ You’re pretty confident about it. Ah, you must love me so much. I have to properly answer to your love. So… we can make out on a sofa after a long time, right? Ah, wait. You don’t have to reply. I only have to ask your body. Hey, what play will we do today? I’ll make-you-feel an unforgettable, amazing pleasure ♥~

Judge Dredd: Dredd vs Death

Developer: Rebellion Publisher: Rebellion Rrp: £4.69 (Gog.com) and 5.59 (Steam) Released: 17th October 2003 Available on: Steam and Gog.com Played Using: Mouse and Keyboard Approximate game length: 5 Hours Long before Sylvester Stallone ever donned and made a mockery of the name, Judge Dredd was a property that most everyone knew. Spawning from the British comic 2000AD in the mid 1970's, his legacy is still going strong despite two god awful movies. The question is, does this game live up to the name? Judge Dredd Vs Death is a first person shooter where you take the role of the titular Judge Dredd. Its probably best to give a little background for those not in the know. The game is set in a dystopian future where the planet has become a radioactive wasteland, the majority of the people live in Mega-Cities, in the case of this game it focuses primarily on Mega-City One. To keep the peace each city has Street Judges who act as law enforcement, judge, jury and executioner. The most famous (or infamous) of these is Judge Dredd.

Its not that often I talk about options menus, rarer still that I essentially start a review speaking on one, but in this case I can't not talk about this. I like many other gamers on PC will immediately go to the graphics options and crank them up as far as I think my system will handle. Now considering the age of this game I had no doubts that my rig could handle it at full settings. Turns out the game disagrees, if I turn the anti-aliasing on at all the game crashes to the desktop. I also recommend going through the controls too as there some... old fashioned ideas as to what buttons are used. We all know FPS's and the basic mechanics they generally use. Well Judge Dredd has something extra, the 'Law Meter'. The law meter shows how well you're doing as a Judge, the higher it is the better. However if it gets too low a special task force comes after you. I'll talk a little later on about how the law meter rises and falls. Going back on to the subject of FPS mechanics, there are actually quite a few different types the most common of which are the Halo and the Call of Duty style. In this case the designers have opted to go for a more 'Halo' approach. Judge Dredd comes complete with a shield that regenerates if he goes without being hit for a short period. Also, like Halo you can only carry two weapons at a time.

As I mentioned earlier the Judges of Mega city One act as judge, jury and executioner. As such, you can imagine that at some point you can and will arrest people. Well you'd be imagining correctly, of course you can't just arrest anyone... actually you can but doing so lowers the law meter. Most of the time the ones you need to arrest are obvious, I mean, they tend to attack you so that’s a fairly big give away. There are others though who don't just attack you on sight, such as some spray painters. You have no need to go after them but you can if you so wish. Doing so doesn't have any direct influence on the story campaign of the game other than to increase the rating you get at the level. This rating however does unlock more skins and levels to play with in the multiplayer which is dead so your only real choice is to play against the bots. As much as I love the idea of the arresting system I wish it made more sense. One enemy shot me and when I arrested them they were given a sentence of four months in jail. Another didn't shoot or resist arrest and was only spray painting and what did they get? Life with no parole... seriously?! I know the the arrest sheets must be randomized but come one! Generally the gunplay in this game is fine, the audio and visual feedback is sufficient enough that it doesn't feel anemic. However, there are some things regarding the weapons that I cannot forgive. For example, if you zoom in using the sniper rifle you can't fully zoom back out without changing weapons, AND EVEN THEN the sniper rifle will immediately put you back into zoom mode as soon as its equipped.

Only carrying two weapons may seem quite limiting but the game mitigates this somewhat by having multiple ammunition types. Ricochet to bounce off walls and incendiary to cause damage over time just to name two. There is a flaw to this though, for starters the ammo is only available for certain weapons. But secondly the game uses the mouse wheel to scroll through the ammo types rather than being used to switch between the weapons. As I played through the obvious flaws just kept piling up, a major one being that the game doesn't respond to button inputs, specifically jumping. I press the button and the vocalization of jumping occurs but not the actual jump. In some cases I've pressed the button four times before a jump actually happened. There also seems to be a small amount of lag with melee combat between the button input and the actual attack. Several of the maps can often feel confusing and sprawling, and not in the good way as all the areas look very similar to one another. This isn't helped by the objectives occasionally being 'arrest person x' when you have no idea what they look like, so you end up arresting everyone. The last thing I'll mention (but its by no means the last issue I have) is the AI. I found while playing through the game was that the enemy AI is a bit on the... simple side, regardless of which difficulty setting the game is on. This is an especially glaring issue when you consider that Unreal 2 and Call of Duty (the original one) were released in the same year and both had far superior AI.

If you tire of the story mode (and I'm sure you will because it gets really repetitive) you can always play the arcade mode, but to be honest its not worth playing as the AI is even worse than in the main game and its not really fun to actually play. And no review of this game would be complete without at least mentioning the very blatant product placement in the game. One has to wonder how much Red Bull paid to have their companies brand all over this game, and more to the point, if the cost was actually worth it. I can say that having played this game my desire for a Red Bull has never been lower.

Honestly unless you're a die hard Judge Dredd fan I can't think of any reason to recommend this, in fact I'm pretty sure that a die hard fan would tell you not to play it. Which is odd because this is definitely a game where having some knowledge of the property its based on is needed to gain any real enjoyment. A great example of this is in the very title of the game itself. To anyone who knows nothing of the franchise I would imagine that it sounds like you'd be fighting the Grim Reaper. This isn't the case though, you fight against Judge Death, a Dark Judge who believes that all life is a crime. The game never explains any of this though, just expecting the player to just 'know' that. If this appeals to you perhaps try; Quake Unreal 2: Awakening Sin

seven years with lupus

first things first: what is lupus?

according to google: Lupus is a long-term autoimmune disease in which the body's immune system becomes hyperactive and attacks normal, healthy tissue. in simple terms, your body versus your body.

what are the symptoms of lupus? fatigue, a loss of appetite and weight loss, pain or swelling in joints and muscles, swelling in the legs or around the eyes, swollen glands, or lymph nodes skin rashes due to bleeding under the skin, mouth ulcers sensitivity to the sun, fever, headaches, chest pain upon deep breathing, unusual hair loss, pale or purple fingers or toes from cold or stress and arthritis. i was diagnosed with lupus on February 2012. i was a graduating high-school student. my very first symptom was arthritis. i remember i was taking a midterm final exam and was about to pass my test paper from my desk to my teacher's table but i couldn't raise my leg left properly because my left knee was very painful. the next symptom i got was rashes. i had rashes all over my legs. i thought they were just mosquito bites or bug bites. i wore pajamas, put on some anti-mosquito lotion and changed my bed sheets but the rashes were still there. we went to a local doctor but he only gave me pain reliever for the pain in my knee and diagnosed it as "arthritis in a young age". (lol) i kept taking the pain reliever but the pain was still there. until one day, i couldn't walk. my legs and ankles are swollen so i couldn't even take one step out of my bed. that's when we decided to go to the city to see a specialist.

there were a lot of laboratory tests done. there was one test called ANA that we have to wait for a couple of days. that waiting game was aweful. i can see my family crying in silence, visiting me from the city to the province, my mom was clearly very down and i know something was up and that they didn't want me to know. so that dreadful ANA test finally came through and it's positive. i have lupus. first thought on my mind? "lupus? is that even a word?"

2012

2012. my doctor pumped me up with a lot of medication including the most hated medication of all lupus patients: the steroids. i was on high dose steroids for a couple of months causing me this moon face, mood swings, a lot of insomnia but hey the pain in my legs went away. but not only that i was also very prone to infection which i got one, my very first admission on March 2012. I had severe edema that caused me my tiger stripes (stretch marks) all over my body. i was insecure and my self-esteem was eight foot under the ground. i had pills for breakfast and i can slowly feel my life is going to turn around. people were asking me if i should go to college. to be honest, i’m pissed if they did ask me that because of course i’ll go to college. when i finally established that answer, the next question is to take a less stressful major. but my aggressive self don’t want to settle for less. so i did what i want with the great support of my family.

2013-2015

i was surprisingly doing well in school with the help of my continuous medication. in these years, my doctor put me on chemotherapy 

i did chemotherapy while i was in college. i did it once a month in six months for 2 years. i usually do it on Friday nights, be sick all weekend because of the side effects, and go back to school on Monday like nothing happened. a little groggy or hangover but i got used to it. some Mondays are not on my side, i still feel sick but i still have to go to school. i’ll bring plastic bags and puke (sorry, tmi) in between classes. i had to run off to the bathroom to do that or put my head inside my bag. other than those 3-4 days of chemo torture, i feel great all month. i can do school stuff, hang out with my friends and wait for my lupus to flare up because of stress again. i’d had a couple of admissions within these years too; infection or severe anemia are the common cause.

2015

May 2015. i had a bad seizure. the only thing i could remember was i had a very bad headache all morning. i took pain reliever but the severe pain was still there. i was eating lunch with my brother and nanay but i stood up, didn’t finish my lunch and went to the bedroom to lay down. there was a striking pain at the back of my neck and the next thing i knew i woke up in the ICU 2 days after.

apparently my blood pressure went sky high. thank God i recovered but there were a lot of complications. i lost my left eye vision because there was a blood clot inside my retina. they corrected it by laser treatments but my vision never really was the same as before. i also lost a lot of weight and i had severe hair loss.

i was fatigued all the time that’s why i decided not to go to school for a year. i spent most of my time at home and in the hospital. i was always anemic so i had a lot of blood transfusions. i can feel myself falling into depression because it was supposed to be my last year in college and i’m not graduating together with my closest friends. but my focus was to heal myself so i could go back to school and finish what i started.

2016-2017

i went back to college (yey!). but i’m still sick (no yey!). it’s really a roller-coaster ride when you have lupus. my main problem was still my anemia. i had a bone marrow biopsy to see what is causing my anemia but there was never really a problem. it was all just my lupus. and hey! i also graduated this year which is my main goal from day 1.

2017

now that i don’t have to go to school anymore and do some stressful school stuff, i took some couple of months to heal myself. i stayed in the province, spent some quality time with my family and friends, not even bothering to try to find a job until i know that i can. i did find a work but i quit due to some personal reasons. i like this year because my lupus is not as aggressive compared to the past years.

2018 

i liked my “lupus life” in 2017 but the opposite happened in 2018. my kidneys started to fail. (which i’m going to talk about on my next blog post). i was admitted on my birthday and had an emergency dialysis 3 days after.

2019

i am still doing hemodialysis while waiting for a chance on a kidney transplant. i hope my lupus will ~chill~ a little bit so i will have less complications with my failing kidneys. being sick with lupus is so hard especially when you don’t have any control about for this sickness. it attacks you whenever it wants.

so that’s my 7-year lupus story so far. i hope to blog about healing soon :)

if you reach reading up until this point, haha thank you. this is my first time opening up about this.

love, nicoli.

Throne of Eldraine Draft Archetypes First Pass

I haven’t done one of these for a while, but I felt like it could be fun to run though my initial thoughts on the draft archetypes for Throne of Eldraine, looking at the cards previewed so far, paying particular attention to the multicolor “Signpost” cards that they print at Uncommon to point drafters in the right direction. So let’s dive right in and see what we’re dealing with.

Red/Green: Non-Humans Mid-Aggro

Okay, so we know that the R/G/U wedge is where they’ve concentrated the “non-humans” theme of the set, to contrast with R/W/B Knights. And, much like Ixalan did with Dinos & Pirates, my guess is that each of the two wedge themes in Eldraine are going to have 3 variants: An Aggro variant, a slower variant, and a more niche “theme” element. For the non-humans, my guess is that Red/Green is the likeliest to be aggressively slanted. And Grumgully here is definitely reinforcing that idea. He’s aggressively costed on his own, but the fact that he makes all your other creatures just come in bigger is a great sign that this is going to be the swinging-est of the non-human color pairings.

That said, it seems highly likely that non-humans will, on the whole, be less aggressive than the Knights wedge, so even if Red/Green is the most likely aggressive build for non-humans, it’s still not necessarily going to be the most aggro deck of the format. In the larger scheme of things, this is probably likely to be pretty midrange, poised to either go fast or go big, depending on what you draft and what your enemy is playing. So plan to be flexible and prioritize drafting creatures that are good stats for value, and you should be fine.

It’s a little early to start prioritizing cards, as most of the limited Commons haven’t been previewed yet, but so far this seems like the archetype where the Seven Dwarves deck is most likely to come together. Redcap Raiders also seems like it will be at its best here. Oh, and um, Keeper of Fables is an Uncommon for some reason, so definitely expect that card to show up in both Red/Green and the Green/Blue archetypes to run away with games.

Green/Blue: Non-Humans Ramp

This one seems pretty self-explanatory. Green & Blue frequently have some of the biggest creatures in a set, and having a signpost card that is a mana dork is a dead giveaway that this archetype cares about ramping into the big creatures as fast as possible. This is reinforced by the G/U hybrid creature, Thunderous Snapper, specifically calling out casting cards of CMC 5 or greater as its payoff.

Ramp decks are totally contingent on the format. My guess is there will be plenty of support to make it work here, but the trap people often fall into is drafting too many of the giant monsters and not enough enablers to get there. Early creatures that can gum up the board are also essential to a ramp deck, giving you the time to bring out the beaters.

I’d prioritize Rosethorn Acolyte more highly in this deck, as this is the most likely archetype to flex into 3 colors. Beanstalk Giant also seems to be a strong payoff for the archetype, and will be a great pickup early on. Again, Keeper of Fables is an Uncommon because someone at Wizards got drunk when they balanced it (the same person who made Risen Reef, presumably), and big kitty is going to be great in these colors, as Blue will give you access to fliers to peck through and draw you cards.

Red/Blue: Non-Humans Card Draw Matters

Okay, we don’t have the Red/Blue signpost card yet, but I think there’s enough previewed to speculate effectively here. Loch Dragon is an efficiently costed flier that immediately rummages on ETB, and keeps going every time he attacks. That, combined with the Uncommon Faerie Vandal, makes me think this archetype is focused on non-humans, but with a sub-theme of “drawing cards matters,” similar to how the color pair worked in Modern Horizons. I’ll need to see the signpost card and/or a similar Uncommon payoff in Red to be totally sure, but that’s what I’m thinking.

If that’s the case, I’d prioritize non-humans that have evasion and good abilities first, and go for the draw synergies second. Tome Raider seems great here as an on-tribe redeux of Cloudkin Seer, and this will be a deck that really wants Opt more than most. Turn into a Pumpkin is already great, but you’ll definitely want them here, and if you have enough good payoffs for the card draw element, but not a lot of non-human synergies, Merchant of the Vale seems pretty great. Hell, he seems pretty great regardless.

It’s definitely possible in decks like this to get too suckered into the “official” archetype thing, and to take cards that aren’t particularly good just because they say “draw a card” on them. Fortunately drawing cards is a good thing, but you don’t want a deck with only 3 creatures and a bunch of cantrips. 

Red/White: Knights Go-Wide

Okay, I’m going to be really honest here. The three Knights colors all look... basically the same. They all are just “Knights are aggressive and attack and other knights get better when this knight is out.” Seriously, that’s kinda the gist of the whole tribe. While non-humans have three very distinct archetypes by the look of it, Knights seem suuuuuper mix & match. 

That said, I’m interpreting the Lord effect in Red/White as a signal that go-wide is maybe in the cards here. There do seem to be Knight tokens in the set, as evidenced by Lonely Unicorn, so maybe there will be some more that we haven’t seen yet. But most of the White token makers are making 1/1 Humans. Silverflame Ritual seems like it’s trying to be the go-wide payoff for the Knights deck, but it could conceivably go just as well into the White/Black deck. Also, there’s Brimtone Trebuchet as a payoff for having lots of Knights enter the battlefield. So I dunno, I’m completely just guessing here. Hopefully we’ll find out some differentiation soon, because I’m really not looking forward to 3 decks that are just “All aggro all the time!” 

Of note, Weaselback Redcap is both a non-human and a Knight, which means it will play well into both themes. Relevant, as Red is the color shared by both themes.

White/Black: Knights Aggro

I mean, seriously. Looking at Deathtouch I’d normally say this theme feels defensive, but then it has an attack trigger on it that rewards you attacking with at least 2 Knights. So... what I’m reading here is that this wants you to go sideways with Knights. Fine.

It’s backed up by lots of aggressively costed Knights, including several with Adventure abilities, like Ardenvale Tactician and Order of Midnight, as well as Belle of the Brawl and Venerable Knight. Smitten Swordmaster also seems perfect in this build, as both an early Knight to start swinging with out the gates and a potential finisher if you draw him in a board stall. But again, all these cards could probably just as easily mix & match into the other archetypes in the wedge.

Red/Black: Knights Equipment

Okay, this seems to be a little bit different of a theme than the other combinations. This card is aggressively costed for Knights, and definitely favors attacking, like all the Knight archetypes. The Red/Black hybrid card, Elite Headhunter, allows you to sacrifice Creatures and, importantly, Artifacts, to deal damage to things, which is a cute way to utilize equipment that has outlived its usefulness. Black is also the color that overlaps with the major Food archetype, so that gives me thought that the Artifact typing may be relevant.

The aforementioned Smitten Swordmaster seems good here, as an early creature with a great ability to add equipment to, and this is probably exactly the home for Raging Redcap, who gets way better with equipment buffing him up. Brimstone Trebuchet is also in this color pair, as another Artifact and Knights payoff, so consider that.

But really, in the end, I think all the Knights cards from White, Black, and Red are all going to be basically mix & match, then knock yourself out with whatever pile you draft. In other words, I wouldn’t worry too much about what the color pair is “supposed” to do, and just draft good cards.

Green/White: Adventures

Alright... now we get to the archetypes that aren’t in the two big wedges. First up, Green/White Adventures. This one seems really straightforward and honestly... pretty damn good at first blush. Most Adventure cards are solid value as-is, and there are very few so far that I wouldn’t consider playable. Hell, they’re basically Kicker cards, and that’s a great comparison to have. Wandermare here, along with Edgewal Innkeeper and (presumably) a White counterpart payoff, want you to play Creatures that have Adventures, whether or not they “went on adventure” first. (Is it just me, or is that terminology really odd?)

Anyhoo, the good news is, as mentioned, Adventure cards seem good, so just jam them all in a deck and you should be set. In particular, I’m liking Ardenvale Tactician and Lonesome Unicorn at Common, but I’d be tentative about cards like Curious Pair if I didn’t also have Food synergies. Obviously, most of the Uncommon and Rare Adventure cards are pretty good.

White/Blue: Artifacts & Enchantments

This is a color combination that is so often just “fliers”, so it’s nice to see something different for the build. White/Blue cares about Artifacts and Enchantments. Shinechaser here is a bit anemic without any of either, but becomes on-curve with just one of the two, and quite potent with both. There are a number of other good payoffs, such as Animating Faerie and Shambling Suit, but I’d be cautious around All That Glitters if I didn’t have at least 5 or 6 relevant cards in the deck.

Obviously, your very best options to turn on your payoffs will be Artifacts and Enchantments that are also removal, and fortunately, there are several. Trapped in the Tower is at Common, and at Uncommon you have Glass Casket and Frogify, both of which will be high picks for all players, so grab them early and before payoffs, because the payoffs are much more likely to wheel than these.

This is also the one place I would consider cards like Henge Walker and Gingerbrute, though Clockwork Servant is good enough to make it into most decks regardless of synergies. Witching Well, Golden Egg, and Corridor Monitor are also acceptable playables here, but be careful not to have too many of them with no way to close out the game.

And honestly, if all else fails, draft fliers. They’re always good.

Blue/Black: Control + Cards in Graveyard Matters

Finally! A control archetype. Only time will tell if Control truly has a place in this format, but at least they are intending for one archetype to not be all creatures and attacking. The twist this time around is that there’s a “Cards in Graveyard Matters” theme tacked on, which adds another element. Now, cards will end up in Graveyards naturally, but there also do appear to be some ways to help get cards there early on to support cards like the awesome removal spell above.

Eye Collector is the only Common enabler I’ve seen previewed so far, but I would be shocked if there aren’t more, at least one in Blue. There is Overwhelmed Apprentice and Syr Konrad, the Grim at Uncommon, but there needs to be just a little more to make it really work. 

As for payoffs, Covetous Urge lets you steal the best card from their Graveyard and play it, while Order of Midnight and Cauldron’s Gift let you get your own dead back. Into the Story is a fabulous card draw spell that basically is only worth casting if you can get the discount, and, even though I normally don’t mention Rares here, this is the archetype that Vantress Gargoyle is aiming for. Also, if the control is strong enough, it is possible that Folio of Fancies can serve as a buildaround to enable a true mill deck, but my guess is that will be less frequent and many people will fall into the trap of trying to make it work.

One last note. Control decks need a win condition. So try to make sure you have something to win the game with. Obviously Lochmere Serpent is the best of the best in this regard, and I’d also consider Vantress Gargoyle and Clackbridge Troll as great options here. If you don’t open a good Rare to serve as a finisher, try to nab either of the Uncommon Legends, Syr Konrad the Grim or Syr Elenora, the Discerning, and they’ll get the job done. But moreso than other archetypes, this is one that typically does need a bomb or two to close it out.

Black/Green: Food

This one is super obvious. Black/Green cares about Food. There are tons of Food creators and things that sacrifice them for value. And the Savvy Hunter, who does both. She’s likely to be one of the best cards in your deck, so definitely snatch her up if you are even thinking this archetype might be open.

The danger with archetypes like this is that you’ll draft too many payoffs with not enough enablers, so be sure to grab some things that actually make Food so you have something to work with. The good news is plenty of them are highly playable, especially Bake into a Pie and Fierce Witchstalker at Common, both of which would be playable even without the Food text. Cards like this where the Food is an extra line of text are probably better than running actual Food cards like Gingerbrute if you can help it, though Golden Egg replaces itself so it’s probably good enough. I think Wolf’s Quarry would have been playable at 5 mana, but at 6 it just doesn’t seem to me like it has enough impact to matter. But time will tell.

As for payoffs, they’re basically all at Uncommon & Rare, so keep your eye open for them and don’t expect them to wheel. (Insatiable Appetite, for what it’s worth, is not a good enough payoff to win the game, but it’s a good trick regardless, and it’s better in this deck than anywhere else, so you should be able to get them late.) At Uncommon, you have Trail of Crumbs and Giant Opportunity in Green, the latter of which is an enabler as well, along with Bog Naughty in Black. It’s unclear to me at this stage if Cauldron Familiar will be playable or awful, but I’d give it a try to see if it works. With enough Food, who knows? And at Rare, there’s Wicked Wolf and Feasting Troll King, both of which are excellent in this build, with the Wolf just being a bomb anywhere. If you’re reaaaaaly heavy Black, you can run Elite Headhunter, but that’s a stretch if you’re not also playing Red. 

Wrap Up

So that’s it! First pass at the Limited archetypes for Throne of Eldraine. A few fun notes to keep in mind:

Food are Artifacts. This means that things that care about Artifacts (U/W) or can sacrifice Artifacts (B/G & B/R), can use Food.

Red is the only overlap color between the two major Wedges. That’s why there are some Red Non-Human Knights at all rarities, so you can pick them early and stay open to synergies.

Black typically has ways to get creatures back from the grave, and Green has at least one as well. If you draft any of the Adventure payoffs in Green, it’s possible there are some deep Adventure Creature recursion loops in the format. As it is, two Order of Midnight can loop each other, and if you have a Witch’s Oven, you can loop them as a Food engine, and that’s just in mono Black. Add in Edgewall Inkeeper and you’ve got a card draw engine. Sure, that sounds janky, but we’ve only seen half the set so far. There may be options for combos we don’t even realize yet.

Time will tell how viable these actually are, and which archetypes turn out to be different from the intended. But as of now, this looks pretty fun. I’m excited to draft the various non-humans decks, along with the Control deck & Food deck. What about you?

Expert: Fighting over the definitions of words can sometimes seem like a futile and irrelevant undertaking. However it’s important to note that whatever language gets standardized in our communities shapes what we can talk and think about. So much of radical politics often boils down to acrimonious dictionary-pounding over words like “capitalism,” “markets,” “socialism,” “communism,” “nihilism,” etc. Each side is usually engaged in bravado rather than substance. Radical debates turn into preemptive declarations of “everyone knows X” or “surely Y,” backed by nothing more than the social pressure we can bring to bear against one another. And yet — to some degree — we’re trapped in this game because acquiescing to the supposed authority of our adversaries’ definitions would put us at an unspeakable disadvantage. The stakes of debates over “mere semantics” can be quite high, determining what’s easy to describe and what’s awkward or laborious. Thus the partisan impulse is usually to define our adversaries out of existence: muddying their analytic waters, emphasizing any and all negative associations, and painting their conclusions as insane, verboten, or outgroup. At the same time we leap on any and all positive associations we can twist to serve our own ends. Debate over definitions is so often merely a game of social positioning: every word reverberating with the different associations of different audiences and thus what alliances you’re declaring or managing to ascribe to your interlocutor. Language is a messy, complicated, and nebulous place where fallacious arguments are not only par for the course but often thought to be how the whole thing hangs together. In the worst corners of academia and “radical” politics this is embraced wholesale, where philosophy is reduced to mere poetry and cheap ploys of emotive resonance: batted back and forth with an underlying smug derision at the entire affair. “Have you ever noticed that we use the same word for your job — your occupation — as we do for the occupation of Iraq?” and this is somehow treated as insightful rather than doing violence to clarity and honesty. Obviously my biases here — and social affiliations — are quite apparent. While there can be a place for rhetoric to convey emphasis and it is sometimes necessary to counter fire with fire, in general I find these opportunistic language games detestable. Whenever possible I prefer a subversive linguistic pluralism, happy to adopt the language of those I’m speaking to, declaring myself, for example, pro-“capitalism” or pro-“communism” in some contexts and against “capitalism” or against “communism” in others. If by “capitalism” some poor soul means nothing more than economic freedom then I’m fine adopting his tribe’s language to reach him — the same holds true with “communism”. Yet opportunities for such ecumenism are few and far between; even in those situations where we can escape tribal jockeying and arguments from popularity, such words almost always carry hidden baggage through their broader associations, with the explicit definition hiding the implicit conclusions of its wider use. When it comes to semantics, I’m of the opinion that our first step should always be to discard popular associations as much as possible and decipher what are the most illuminating or fundamental dynamics at play, only then attempting to realign or reserve our most basic words for the most rooted concepts. If our final mapping of concepts to terms is idiosyncratic or provocative, or if it strips away the full array of associations found in common use, then perhaps all the better. While such an approach is often contentious, I believe that it offers a relatively nonpartisan compromise and starting point in definition debates. Let us hold off as much as possible on barraging each other with claims about what’s more “authoritative,” much less what can be leveraged as proof of such, and likewise abandon the negative and positive association-judo. We can always return to this after we’ve sorted out what sort of realities are even before us to map our vocabulary to. This offers us a certain efficiency, handling some quite heavy work at the start, but at least offering us something other than an endless quagmire going forward. More important though is the danger that jumbled interpretive networks or misaligned concepts pose when normalized. Terms that fail to cut reality at the joints can mislead and obscure, make some basic realities incredibly hard to state or address. In language we should seek depth, generality, and accuracy first and foremost, not mere rhetorical expedience. There is a place for the play of “interestingly” open interpretations but such hunger should not consume us and sever our capacity to act. Democracy and Anarchy In many contemporary western societies “democracy” retains positive (if nebulous) associations. Naturally, many activists have therefore repeatedly tried to latch onto that term and redirect it in narratives or analysis that line up with their own political aspirations. “You like chocolate, right? Well anarchism is basically extra chocolately chocolate. It’s more chocolate than chocolate. It’s like direct chocolate.” This opportunistic wordplay is at least self-aware, and such maneuverings seems fair game to many. After all, isn’t “anarchy” a similarly nebulous word — a site of contention and redefinition? Yet I’d argue that the situations are quite different. The fight over “anarchy” is an inescapable one for anarchists because the world we want will never be obtainable as long as the term’s historical definition goes unchallenged. In every language that touched ancient Greek, “anarchy” bundles together the explicit definition of “without rulership” with the implicit definition of “fractured rulership” (what should really be called ‘spasarchy’) in a nasty Orwellianism that makes the concept of a world without domination unspeakable and often unthinkable. We have a term for the abolition of power relations and we use it instead to refer to chaotic, violent, dog-eat-dog situations of strong (albeit decentralized) power relations. In short, the fight over the definition of “anarchy” is a battle to untangle an existing knot. On the other hand, “democracy” tends to stand for majority rule and etymologically for the rule of all over all. If there is an Orwellianism at play it is seems to me one of being too charitable to the term, sneaking in associations of freedom when one is in fact describing a particular flavor of tyranny. A situation more akin to “war is peace” than the “freedom is slavery” is at play with “anarchy.” Honest proponents of democracy can of course contend that such an “ideal” would look nothing like our contemporary world and so the characterization of our nation states as “democracies” misrepresents what true democracy would actually be. But it would still be a dystopia to anarchists. “Rulership by the populace” is clearly a concept irreconcilable with “without rulership” unless one has atrophied to the point of accepting the nihilism of liberalism and its mewling belief in the inescapability of rulership. Or perhaps even going so far as to join with fascists and other authoritarians who silence their conscience with the ideological assertion that one cannot even limit power relations, only rearrange them. Etymology isn’t destiny but it does carry a strong momentum and corrective force. I’m not sure why we should feel obliged to fight an uphill battle to redefine “democracy” in a direction consistent with anarchist aspirations. And in any case, from an abstract distance it seems wasteful to assign two terms to the same concept. Those claiming that democracy and anarchy can be reconciled seem to either be rhetorical opportunists — gravely mistaken about what they can and should leverage — or else they seem gravely out of alignment with anarchism’s aspirations, treating “without rulership” not as a guiding star but a noncommittal handwave. Perhaps this is today the regrettable consequence of a few decades of anarchist recruitment from activist ranks, a conveyor belt that has sadly often resulted in the most shallow of conversions. Rather than a fervent ethical opposition to rulership, we’ve often settled for merely instilling a mild distaste for collaboration with the existing state on leftists, sometimes going no deeper than “you want to accomplish X with your activism but have you noticed that the state is in your way?” This has led to generations of activists — many I count as close friends — who have never considered how they might achieve their standard collection of leftist desires like universal health care in the absence of a state. When pressed they invariably describe a state apparatus, squirming in recognition and cognitive dissonance. “Oh, sure I’m describing a centralized body wielding coercive force and issuing edicts, but it wouldn’t be, you know, The State… because, like, well it wouldn’t systematically kill black people at the hands of the police.” Such an anemic analysis of the state’s crimes never ceases to be shocking. Just as the gutless defanging of anarchism’s radical ethical hunger and dismemberment of its philosophical roots to a mere political platform is invariably depressing. Let us be clear; if anarchy means anything of substance then many of these people are not really anarchists. At least not yet! They do not believe anarchy is achievable or even thinkable. And this is reflected in their own frequent aversion and/or equivocation in relation to the term “anarchy,” gravitating more to some positive associations they have seen made with it than the underlying concept of a world truly without rulership. Compared to our present society they want the things often associated with anarchism without the core that draws them. I was — for a time — hopeful that such individuals would move to the much more open term “horizontalist.” In truth they’d be better described as minarchist social democrats, who want a cuddlier, friendlier, flatter, more local and responsive state that makes people feel like happy participants and doesn’t engage in world historic atrocities. Yet for those of us who have tasted the prospect of a world without rulership, this is simply a difference in degree of dystopia. If it truly were possible to achieve some kind of enlightened social democracy without wealth inequality, systematic disenfranchisement of minorities, and with some decentralization of state function, anarchists would still go to the barricades because this is not enough. If anarchism is to mean anything of substance, it is surely not merely an opening bid from which you are happy to settle. Anarchy doesn’t stand for small amounts of domination: it stands for no domination. Although our approach to that ideal will surely be asymptotic, the whole point of anarchism is to actually pursue it rather than give up and settle for some arbitrary “good enough” half-measure. Such tepid aspirations is what has historically defined liberals and social democrats in contrast to us. But it’s important to go further, because “democracy” doesn’t solely pose a danger of half-measures but also of a unique dimension of authoritarianism. A pure expression of “the rule of all over all” could be a hell of a lot worse than “Sweden with Neighborhood Assemblies.” The etymology itself seems to best reflect a nightmare scenario in which everyone constrains and dominates everyone else. If we seek to match words to the most distinct and coherent concepts then perhaps the truest expression of “demo-cracy” would be a world where everyone is chained down by everyone else, tightening our grip on our neighbors just as they in turn choke the freedom from our lungs. To be sure few proponents of “democracy” specifically define it as “the rule of all over all.” There are many distinct dynamics that folks single out and focus on, but none of these definitions directly address the problem of rulership itself. Democracy as Majority Rule The most conventional definition of democracy among the wider populace is today quite rare in anarchist circles. At this point “majority rules” is rarely advocated by anyone in my experience outside some old fogies in the underdeveloped backwaters of the anarchist world like the British Isles, and its use in ostensibly anarchist meetings or organizations now rises to moderately scandalous. But it’s maybe worth reiterating that majority rule can be deeply oppressive to minorities. If 51% of your neighborhood committee votes to eat the other 49% alive, that’s a hell of a lot worse than a situation without majority rules where one person refuses to mow their lawn and thus unilaterally inflicts their malaesthetic on the rest of the neighborhood. Proponents of such tyranny by the majority love to pretend that the only alternative is “tyranny by the minority.” But anarchist theory is all about removing the structures and means by which rulership can be asserted or expressed by anyone, majority or minority. This is probably not the place to list them all like some kind of 101 course, but one example is superempowering technologies like guns that asymmetrically make resistance more efficient than domination. Such technologies are directly responsible for the increase of liberty over recent history. In an era where capital intensive undertakings like trained knights on horseback trumped anything else, you got rulership by elites; when the best weapons are one-kill-averaging soldiers, you just line up your troops and the one with the biggest count can be expected to win. But high-ammunition guns give every individual a veto against the lynch mob outside their door, allowing guerrillas to impede empires that vastly outscale them in capital. Technologies like the printing press and internet function similarly. And on the other side of the coin, the infrastructural extent and dependent nature of modern technologies of control or domination makes them brittle against resistance, easily prey to acts of disruption and sabotage. These tools — along with technologies of resilience and self-sufficiency — allow individuals to reject the capricious edicts of anyone, be they a minority or a majority. Ideally anarchists seek to highlight and strengthen such dynamics with the political approaches we take, treating everyone like they have the most powerful of vetoes, capable of destroying everything, of grinding everything to a halt if they are truly intolerably imposed upon. This focus on individuals stops “the community” or other beasts from running rampant, forcing a detente tolerable for all parties. Such truces are far more likely to be attentive to the severity of individual desires, because “one vote per person” is incapable of reflecting just how much a person has at stake: something we could never hope to make objective and would be laughable to try to have a collective body legislate. What norms fall out of such an assumption of veto powers are complex (and I’ve argued left market property norms are likely to be one) but at the center is always freedom of association. The consensus society is one primarily comprised of autonomous realms so that individuals can minimize conflict between their swinging fists and maximize the positive freedoms provided by collaboration. But note also the psychological norms. Majority rule treats people as means to whatever ends you want (rallying a large enough army at the polls), whereas a consensus detente can never lose sight of the fact that people are agents with their own particular desires. There is no subsumption of one’s subjective desires into merely being “one of the vote-losers”, a bloc rendered homogeneous and dehumanized by such democracy. Okay agree some, but maybe we can say that consensus itself is democracy? Democracy as Consensus This is probably the most charitable way of framing “democracy” but here too are deep problems. There’s a massive difference between consensus that’s arrived at through free association, and consensus that’s arrived because people are locked into some collective body to some degree. Often what passes for “consensus” within anarchist activist projects is merely consensus within the prison of a reified organization. Modern anarchists are still quite bad at embracing the fluidity of truly free association, and we cling to familiar edifices. Our organizations reassure us insofar as they function like the state, simplistic monoliths that exist outside of time and beyond the changing desires and relations of their constituent members. Truly anarchist approaches to consensus would prioritize making the collectivity organic and ad hoc, an arrangement that prioritizes individual choice in every respect. Not just the prospect or potential of choice but the active use of it. This would mean adopting an unterrified attitude about dissolution and reformation, learning new habits and growing new muscles that have atrophied in the totalitarian reference frame of our statist world. As it now stands, the prospect of going separate ways on a thing if we can’t reach consensus on a single collectively unified path strikes absolute fear into the hearts of most. For consensus to be truly anarchistic we must be willing to consense upon autonomy, to shed off our reactionary hunger for established perpetual collective entities. Otherwise consensus will erode back in the direction of majority rules, individuals feeling obliged to tolerate decisions lest they break the uniformity of the established collective. Almost everyone of this generation is quite familiar with the general assemblies of Occupy that endlessly and fruitlessly fought over essentially just what actions would be formally endorsed under a local Occupy’s brand. Clearly in many cases we should have just gone our separate ways, working out not a single blueprint but a tolerable treaty to allow us to undertake separate projects or actions. The brand provided by The General Assembly was a centralization too far, creating such a high value real estate that everyone was obliged to fight to seize it. Surely anarchists should resist the formation of such black holes. Okay, but regardless of the size and permanence of the collectives involved, maybe democracy is just collective decision-making itself? Democracy as Collective Decision-making While there are unfortunately many pragmatic contexts on Earth that oblige a degree of collective decision-making, it’s dangerous to fetishize collective decision-making itself. Many young leftist activists get caught with a bug that suggests the core problems with our world are those of “individualism” by which they mean a kind of psychopathic self-interest that is inattentive to others. The solution, this bug tells them, is to do everything collectively. To stomp out anti-social perspectives by obliging social participation. If we all go to meetings together then we’ll become more or less friends. The unspoken transmutation they appeal to is one where extraversion and being enmeshed in social interactions will somehow suppress selfish desires. Of course in reality the opposite is often true. The most altruistic people in the world are often introverted individuals who prefer to act alone and the most psychopathic predators are often those most at home manipulating a web of social relations. Many leftists are scarred by the alienating social dynamics of our society and seek meetings as a kind of structured socializing time to make friends and conjure a sense of belonging to a community, but this is absolutely not the same thing as engendering a sense of altruism or empathy. If anything collective meetings are horrible draining experiences that scar everyone involved and only partially satiate the most isolated and socially desperate. Like a starving person eating grass, the nutrition is never good enough and so the activist becomes trapped in endless performative communities, going to endless group meetings to imperfectly reassure base psychological needs rather than efficaciously change the world for the better. (I say such cutting words with all the love and sympathy of someone who’s nevertheless persisted as an activist and organizer attempting to do shit for almost two decades.) Collective decision-making itself is no balm or salve to the horrors that plague this world. But that’s not even the worst of it. Collective decision-making is itself fundamentally constraining. It frequently makes situations worse in its attempt to make decisions as a collective rather than autonomously as networked individuals. The processing of information is the most important dynamic to how our societies are structured. A boss in a large firm for example appoints middle managers to filter and process information because a raw stream of reports from the shop floor would be too overwhelming for his brain to analyze. There are many ways in which aspects of the flow of information constrain social organizations, but when it comes to collective decision-making the most relevant thing is the vast difference between the complexity our brains are capable of holding and the small trickle of that complexity we are capable of expressing in language. As a rule, individuals are better off with the autonomy to just act in pursuit of their desires rather than trying to convey them in their full unknowable complexity. But when communication is called for it’s far far more efficient to speak in pairs one-on-one, and let conclusions percolate organically into generality. “Collective” decision-making almost always assumes a discussion with more than two people — a collective — in an often incredibly inefficient arrangement where everyone has to put their internal life in stasis and listen to piles of other people speak one at a time. The information theoretic constraints are profound. If collective decision-making is supposed to provide us with the positive freedoms possible through collaboration, it offers only the tiniest fraction of what is usually actually possible. That there are occasionally situations so shitty that collective decisionmaking is requisite does not mean anarchists should worship or applaud it. And one would be hardpressed to classify something far more general like collaboration itself as “democracy”. Okay, but maybe we can reframe democracy as an ethics? Democracy As “Getting a Say in the Things That Affect You” It got particularly popular in the 90s to frame anarchy as a world where everyone gets a say in the things that affect them. And for a time this seemed to nicely establish anarchism as a kind of unterrified feminism. But let’s be real: there are plenty of things that massively affect you that you should have no vote over. Whether or not your crush goes out with you should entirely be at their own discretion. Freedom of association is quite often sharply at odds with “getting a say over things that affect you.” This may seem in conflict with the moral we drew from our discussion of consensus and the necessity to create a detente grounded in a respect for individual vetoes, but it’s important to remember that we weren’t settling for the naive first-order resolution where anyone strongly affected by something sets off a nuke. There’s a kind of meta-structure that emerges in any network of people upon consideration. The detentes we ultimately gravitate to involve certain more abstract norms, that are more generally useful to all than their violation in specific instances. Respect for freedom of association is one such very strongly emergent norm. And in any case the goal of anarchists is freedom, we champion a decentralized world — among other conditions — precisely so that it might dramatically increase our freedom, not chain us down. This means at the very least cultivating a culture of live and let live when someone blocks you on Twitter rather than setting the world ablaze because you feel entitled to their attention. Similarly if everyone in your generation starts using Snapchat — which you dislike — that puts you at a disadvantage: such an emergent norm clearly affects you in a negative way. But this doesn’t and shouldn’t give you cause to bring your peers before the city council and demand that Snapchat be outlawed. The norms of freedom of association, freedom of information, and bodily autonomy cleave out distinct realms of action that can affect third parties immensely yet should not — barring absolutely extreme situations — be dictated or constrained by them. Every invention and discovery changes the world but you don’t get to vote against the propagation of truth, however disruptive it might be to your life. Okay, but maybe we can reframe democracy as not as any kind of system but as a demographic? Democracy as “The Rabble” In recent times David Graeber has re-popularized the historical association of “democracy” with large underclasses. And it’s true that in certain points in history “democracy” served alongside “anarchy” as a boogeyman of the horrors they were claimed would arise if the ruling elites lost their stranglehold on the populace. Certainly we anarchists leap to defend the unwashed masses from those sneering elites. The prospect that the rabble would demolish the elites’ positions of power or get up to dirty and uncouth things with their freedom is something we embrace. But just because we despise those who despise “the rabble” doesn’t mean we should embrace any and all mobs or the concept of “the mob” itself. The positives that can be wrestled from this use of the term surely aren’t worth explicitly opening the door to “mobocracy”. This archaic use of “democracy” has obvious subversive potential in our present world, flipping the positive affect built around “democracy” by our current rulers and returning it to those in conflict with them. But anarchists are not blind proponents of “the masses” in any and all situations, something this rhetorical opportunism would lock us into. The masses can be horrifically wrong, and what is popularly desired can be quite unethical. It’s not vanguardism to resist pogroms or work to thwart the genocidal ambitions of majorities like in Rwanda. There are endless examples of “the masses” seeking to dominate, and our goal as anarchists is not to pick sides but to make such rulership impossible or at the very least costly. Anarchists aren’t engaged in team sports; while we often defend underdogs in specific contexts, we’re not out to back one demographic against another in any kind of fundamental way. Okay, but does “democracy” still have a role as a transitory state? Democracy as a Transitory State This is a complicated issue because obviously it depends on a host of abstract and practical particulars. We’ve covered a lot of different definitions one encounters among apologists for “democracy” in anarchist circles, and what I’ve tried to highlight among all of them is both a lack of any explicit anti-authoritarianism as well as a series of lurking problems that risk warping things in an authoritarian direction. In some situations, certain things going by the name “democracy” would likely pose half-steps in the direction of anarchism. The replacement of a feudal lord with a village assembly would almost certainly be an improvement. We can get distracted with concerns about possible failure modes and lose sight of what’s actually happening on the ground. Just because the democratic processes of Rojava could theoretically bend in a more sharply nationalistic or racially oppressive direction doesn’t mean that they actually are. There are many situations where participatory democracy represents a major step forward, even something anarchists should fight for with our lives. But when democracy is idealized — when it’s generalized or elevated as an ideology rather than as a pragmatic strategy in a specific context — things gets dangerous. The risk of such idealization is inherent to its use. And oftentimes democracy serves as a half-measure that actually impedes further progress. The Chomskyian strategy of compromise and “incremental steps” that secure bread today can actually further entrench power structures while providing minor ameliorations. Democracy is in almost every definition a kind of centralization and such centralization pulls everything under its control. Just as with other types of states, once you establish a centralized system with far-reaching capacity it starts to become more efficient for individual agents to try to do everything through the state: to capture it for your ends rather than working to build solutions from the roots up outside of it. Even those with sharp anarchist ideals start feeling the pressure to go to the General Assembly rather than doing things outside of it as actual agents. Like shooting people, in our messy and deeply dystopian world democracy may sometimes be necessary and strategic, but as anarchists our every inclination and instinct should be to avoid such means by default, to only cede to them kicking and screaming, and never cease feeling distaste. We must not lose sight of our ideals and even as we can only asymptotically approach them we must still attempt to asymptotically approach them rather than asymptotically approaching some halfway point. And of course let us not forget that a world where say a social democrat like Bernie Sanders or Jeremy Corbyn gets their way might even actually end up worse than our present horrorshow. Liberal and socialist policies have a long history of making worse the things they were supposedly out to fix. Okay, but isn’t that unfair since the whole point is direct democracy? A Note About “Directness” It’s annoying how often young activists attempt to create a spectrum of democracy with varying levels of mediation or representation that places anarchy as synonymous with the most direct democracy. It’s true that depending upon a representative to speak on your behalf is an insanely inefficient approach — anyone who’s dealt even just with spokescouncils pooling few dozen people knows this. We know that due to the shallow bandwidth of human language, conversation itself is ridiculously inefficient at a means of conveying the fullness of our internal desires and perspectives, so delegating to someone else with only the vaguest of outlines of what you want is surely much worse. But what I find particularly pernicious about the reduction of anarchism to a mere “direct” qualifier on “democracy” is that it plays into a fetishization of immediacy that has already ideologically metastasized among anarchists, indeed often among those more insurrectionary or individualist figures on the other side of the debate over “democracy”. The issue with representation in my mind isn’t the lack of immediacy but a matter of limits to the flow of information. It’s a subtle but crucial difference. A number of anarchists or former anarchists have in recent years increasingly grown to treat immediacy as the secret sauce — the very definition of freedom. This stems from a philosophical confusion over what freedom is and a very continental or psychological focus upon emotional affect, focusing on a phenomenological experience they associate with “freedom” — that is to say a kind of spontaneity or impulsive reaction rather than reflection (since in our present world reflection often brings to attention just how constrained we actually are). To consider an action is precisely to chain it through a series of mediations, to filter and parse it. It’s important to note that the reactionary approach smothers one’s internal complexity, ultimately reducing an agent to a mere billiard ball. When treated as an ideal, immediacy necessarily involves the suppression of consciousness and thus of choice. The problem with collective decisionmaking isn’t that the discrete deliberative bodies involved process information or ponder choices, but that such arrangements are ridiculously inefficient at it compared to individual autonomy: an embrace of the full agency of their constituents. A more organic network of reflective individuals would provide more choice — that is to say more freedom. Against All Rulership, Always To people in the trenches just trying to grab whatever weapons they find useful, all this philosophical criticism of “democracy” no doubt appears to be an ungainly impediment. But anarchism is not a pragmatic project myopically concerned only with what can be won here and now. Our most famous triumphs have been our foresight — often our predictions of dangers to come from various stripes of “pragmatism” and “immediacy.” Anarchism is a philosophy of infinite horizons, taking the longest and widest possible scope. An ethical philosophy of stunning and timeless audacity, not some historical artifact trapped in a limited set of concerns. This sweeping consideration is what enabled us to correctly predict the failures of Marxism, and it’s a tradition worth maintaining. Bakunin’s denouncement of Marx took place in a context long before Kronstadt and all the atrocities that would eventually become popularly synonymous with Marxism. Such “abstract philosophy” and non-immediacy split the ranks of those fighting against the capitalist order, weakening what they could bring to bear in the service of workers’ lives that very minute. And yet the world is clearly all the better for it. Thanks to the anarchist schism with Marxism, the struggle for freedom was able to survive. I’m not saying that a system of direct democratic town councils are going to be set up somewhere in the world tomorrow under the banner of “direct democracy” and turn genocidal or into some kind of totalitarian small town nightmare, but every take on “democracy” is nevertheless pretty distant from anarchy and thus unlikely to stay true. When your ideal isn’t pointed at freedom itself it’s only a matter of time before the runaway compounding processes of domination warp its path. I am, at the end of the day, happy to grimace slightly and move along when some comrade I’m working with spouts something about “more democratic than democracy!” just as I’m capable of biting my tongue with the sincere but confused trapped in Marxist or anarcho-capitalist languages. Semantic battles are not the be-all and end-all, but attempts to appropriate the general goodwill towards “democracy” have yet to latch onto any underlying concepts worth validating. It seems to me that a far better practice is to stick somewhere close to the etymology of the word (the rule of all over all) and its near universal associations (majority rule). One might object on the semantic grounds that it’s better to assign our words to their most positive possible interpretations, but I do think it’s important to have words for bad things, to be able to describe the array of possibilities we oppose with any sort of detail. It’s important to be able to see and comprehend the various flavors oppressive systems can take. Even if we don’t presently live in a full-blown democracy with all the horrors of a true domination of all over all, it’s still an illuminating extreme and one that I think warrants highlighting. Anarchism’s uniqueness is that it doesn’t seek to equalize rulership but to demolish it, a radical aspiration that cuts through the assumptions of our dystopian world. Anarchism isn’t about achieving a balance of domination — assuring that each person gets 5.2 milliHitlers of oppression each — but about abolishing it altogether. --- Mutual Exchange is C4SS’s goal in two senses: We favor a society rooted in peaceful, voluntary cooperation, and we seek to foster understanding through ongoing dialogue. Mutual Exchange will provide opportunities for conversation about issues that matter to C4SS’s audience. Online symposiums will include essays by a diverse range of writers presenting and debating their views on a variety of interrelated and overlapping topics, tied together by the overarching monthly theme. C4SS is extremely interested in feedback from our readers. Suggestions and comments are enthusiastically encouraged. If you’re interested in proposing topics and/or authors for our program to pursue, or if you’re interested in participating yourself, please email C4SS’s Mutual Exchange Coordinator, Cory Massimino, at [email protected]. http://clubof.info/