i stg i have the best of intentions with this blog and with starting new interactions with various mutuals but then my fucking depression flares up and it all falls to shit and i’m gonna be honest, i’m really fucking over it 

Lester headcanon time

You know how the average human body is Quite Strong? Like you have to hold back to do normal every day tasks. And it can do even more than what you'd think of as giving it your all, it's just prevented subconsciously because it causes damage?

I like to think that apollo got a lot of scars during his first few months as Lester, not from epic battles, but just sucking at gross motor control and common sense (so me fr) so here's some incidents:

Gripping a glass too hard

Picking up pieces of that glass with bare hands

Fiddling with an aluminium can

Putting his fingers too close to a Meg

Slashing his hands while pulling off the lid of a ring pull tin

Grabbing the lid of a tin to pick it up

I had more but I forgot bc I'm fucking exhausted I'll come back and do more another day

Harold was on cloud nine today

Anybody else having A Time?

I can't think of anything that could kill a generative ai system faster than letting it pull from blogs on here, its going to be fed so many erroneous callouts and pointless discourse posts that its gonna generate a way to speedrun offing itself

sigh these days it really is just like: i want to create but unfortunately i have the eepy little creature disease

I am going to do stuff get it done this week

Haven't had sex w my bf in who knows how long,, I'm withering away

while i'm blogging about fanfiction on tumblr dot com for the first time in a while i'll also say i hadn't realized how much of my Energies were tied up in like actual WIPs that were actually in progress - other than the lil settings week fic i did all four of the stories i've posted this year were things where i had the whole concept outlined mentally or for real and at least some of it written/very well defined in my head going into the year. i've been sort of scattered mentally lately and it's been hard to latch on to the next Project when all the available options are, like, solely in the brainspaces and not yet in a place where i feel like i can chip away at them in 20-minute increments on the train which is how a lot of writing has been getting done this year. but we are visiting family starting tomorrow and i am taking like a week and a half off of working and am hoping to be able to use some of that time to hammer out some blueprints for the next phase! and it is kind of nice to think maybe i will be planning out the help i'm alive epilogue in the same place where i sat down and made a color-coded calendar-determined outline of damage control three summers ago :)

Save me Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time save me

i feel so miserable and emotionally exhausted i cant wait to traumadump to my social worker on tuesday when he asks why i haven't finished my english homework DJDMSKDKSKS

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just finished binge-watching the first season of peaky blinders with my grandfather 😭 that was some soul-nourishing family time right there

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this is a really specific vent(?) post. im processing things by putting them in words. its not serious, feel free to ignore me lol

i just want to say that a couple years ago when i was in the beginning stages of researching autism (and would soon realize i am most likely autistic) i was in a relationship. and communication in a relationship is So Very important to me. I would constantly ask how he was (obviously it was more specific to whatever situation was going on) and he would always say he was fine. If I had even the Slightest hint that he wasn't actually Fine (like 19 times out of 20) i would continue asking if he was sure and if he wanted to talk, and he continued to say he was fine. half the time i assumed he meant it and i read the situation wrong, the other half of the time i assumed he didn't want to talk about it.

he ended up breaking up with me because i

"didn't pick up on some things"

"what kind of things?" i asked

"idk, just, things."

and he had been talking to my friend (U) about our relationship, and telling her that i wasn't picking up on things. she got mad at me and we had a "fight" for a short time, she thought i was being a bad partner, and her sister (M) (who is toxic and possessive) felt like i wasn't spending enough time with her, so she complained about it to their mom, who got mad at U for it for some reason? so U also brought all that up, telling me M felt left out. (i wasn't leaving M out of anything, i was sitting with my partner at lunch half of the time, she was welcome to join, but didnt, looking back i think M has RSD and maybe i should have been more direct when moving to a new location to explicitly invite her) (U was also not in school at the time due to covid, so its not like i was spending more time with her over M, which is something M would get so upset about if she perceived it to be that way [she was incredibly possessive of me as a friend and the extent of it made me feel like an object tbh])

U never brought up the issues my partner talked about, because that's how we are, we don't make it known someone was venting to us, to respect their privacy, but it fueled her emotions during our "argument" so i really only heard her being mad at me for not including M, (which i later learned is because M's emotions were made to be her problem when they shouldn't have, this has been a running problem so it wasnt that surprising to learn) so i started spending more time with M, but it was school, and i had work, so schedules only allowed so much time, and any time I was with M (lunch and one class) was when i was also with my partner, but i had other classes with him so i assumed it was fine, but he started drifting away (also around a time i attempted to communicate something important about our relationship, which ended up making him uncomfortable, but he didn't say anything about it until we had a conversation after breaking up)

i was stuck in a place where i felt like no one around me communicated how they felt and still expected me to understand them and do what they wanted me to do

U and i recently reflected on this and realized my ex was a shitty communicator (he and his next partner also broke up because he didn't say how he felt and expected them [also most likely autistic] to... just kinda know ig?) and that she should have gotten my side of the story (she had no idea i was frequently checking on him and trying to get him to talk to me)

and that she wasnt actually upset at me about M, she was upset that people were making it her problem, and she was especially upset during this reflection to learn that M was not being left out at all, she was just doing That Thing again where she wanted me to be Her friend and Only Her friend.

U AND I ARE NOT MAD AT EACH OTHER FOR ANY OF THIS, I WAS NEVER MAD AT U AND U WAS ONLY MAD ABOUT HER PERCEPTION OF THE SITUATION, AND ONLY FOR A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME, EVERYTHING IS FINE

so basically i went like a year and a half thinking that people were rightfully mad at me and i was too self absorbed to pay attention to other peoples' emotions and i started learning how to read people again (clearly my body language research from middle school wasn't cutting it anymore) only for me to realize i just need people to be a little more direct that allistic people typically are, and those specific people were just being dogshit at communicating, (even for allistic people, relative to my needs)

anyways highschool post-covid was Really Fucking Weird and socially stressful for me

TL;DR reflecting on my communication needs not only not being met, but being far undershot for even a "normal" persons needs and how i was convinced I was the problem because of circumstances

💊