the more i learn about the mortuary profession the more i'm convinced everyone else is weird about people who work with the dead and i'm the normal one. of course i understand why people find corpses and the decay process and the end of life in general upsetting, because being reminded that you and everyone you know will eventually cease to exist and there's nothing you can do about it isn't something you can really take any comfort in, but it's just death? it's just inevitable and the way things are? people who work with the dead aren't creepy horror movie mad scientists cooking up frankensteins and draculas, and they're not immoral sickos even if they do have a fascination with the grotesque and macabre. they're just people providing an important service. a lot of them are very compassionate, passionate, hardworking people who want the best for the memory of the deceased and their loved ones. i genuinely don't understand what's so bad and scary about that, but whenever i bring it up there's always at least a few people who look at me like i'm crazy and call me a creep and make a show of shuddering and backhandedly complimenting my "bravery" and "unique career goals" while laughing as if my genuine interest in death and the dead is all just some inappropriate joke. i swear it's more unsettling how many people are unwilling to even acknowledge death as a natural inevitable part of life than it is to talk about it.

Ok not cool why am I hearing voices

I'm gonna be honest, I really haven't been doing well recently and I know it's probably been pretty obvious but I just felt like I should say something. I don't think I'll be super active for a few weeks

woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so I’ve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.

Damn I need to get teased within an inch of my life so that the stress can leak out of me please

I don’t tend to post personal details on here as they’re not relevant to me sharing scans, but I’m going to be 100% honest for a moment. I’m somewhat disillusioned with this hobby. Not in a “please compliment me” way but in an “I’m tired” way.

My posts all take hours of work each. There’s scanning and editing, of course, but I also have to despine things like magazines which can ultimately never be restored to their original form after I’m done. I do all of this using my own time and money, which I’m usually happy to do because I care about preserving this content so damn much.

However, my health is poor and I’m losing a lot of the functionality in my legs while also straining things like my hands and I’m feeling physically and emotionally drained as a result. I just wonder why I invest so much of myself in posting this content when I could just post an unedited manga cap and get 10 x the interest yknow? That’s not something anyone else can answer, that’s definitely a question for me, but it is really weighing on me at the moment.

Being sick/disabled is expensive and time-consuming, given how limited my time, energy and money is thanks to my health I just wonder if any of this is worth it in the end. Again, a question I’m really posing to myself out loud because I genuinely don’t know the answer.

It’s not like I post like someone trying to make a living off YT or TT, I make nothing from this hobby. So, ultimately engagement isn’t all that important but when it takes up so much of me I just wonder where I should draw the line.

aaaooughhh. cook for me fictional other. fictional other. cook for me

I wish I could not have to speak verbally ever

I don’t like talking to people. I wanna just. Text. Or write.

Fuck talking out loud

i share a lot of stuff abt me in the tags i realized (I like to talk in the tags)

....

Someday, I won’t be so horribly burnt out in all my creative pursuits.

living with a friend sure is a great way to find out you enjoy their company a lot less than you originally though

i am having traumatized kid thoughts so dont read the tags if it makes you uncomfortable

great my annoying creep neighbour decided to do an impromptu singing hour (yes an hour) and sings absolutely fucking horrible and loud and my other new roommate has no volume control for his voice.

now only german rap guy needs to start his shit too so i can finally get a sensory overload and start crying because fucking hell i am getting absolutely enraged over here. I JUST WANT SILENCE FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE I LITERALLY HAVE TO SLEEP WITH EARPLUGS BECAUSE OF THIS SHIT

i am this close to plugging in my electric guitar and turning the volume up all the way i am sick of this i am sick of them i want silence and to feel anything besides this burning fucking rage at so much sound.

oh i want to make bad decisions so fucking bad

sometimes i feel bad because i feel... angry w/ my youngest brother's mom. she's a much better mother to him than she was when she was still with our father, but i can't seem to forgive her. not when she almost backhanded my brother for accidentally spilling his toys and came within inches of doing the same to me because i darted in front of him when she raised her hand. not when i saw how absolutely abysmally she treated my brother because he's autistic (and so am i).

not when if it weren't for her, our father never would've gone to court & gotten custody in the first place, and i never would've been abused. he held me once when i was born & promptly fucked off after until i was four, and my brother's mom convinced him to take my mom to court. he signed away his rights on my big sister, and i was born just a year or two after her. he had no intention of being a father to any of us, and she found that out the hard way.

i hate her sometimes for being the one that actually convinced him to fight for custody. i can't help it. i kind of hate the judge that looked at his track record & somehow thought he was a worthy father that deserved time with the child he made explicitly clear he didn't want. she was not nice to me in the years that they were together. she screamed at me often if i did anything wrong/anything she just didn't like, & i got that from him too. i never once felt safe in that house.

she doesn't know what he did to me. she doesn't know how fucking lucky she is that he wasn't interested in my brother like that. i made sure the question never even came up. i wanted to be enough for him, because if i was, then nothing would happen to my littlest siblings on his side. she has no idea that he took so long to put me to bed every night i was there (mom got 80%, he got 20%) because he was raping me. sometimes he'd even sneak in a couple hours later just to wake me up and do it again.

all while she was just down the hall in the living room.

she was right there and she has no idea. i HOPE she has no idea. if she knew and didn't say anything, it'd kill me. at that point in time i wouldn't have put it past her to know & not tell anyone, especially my mom, about what he was doing to me. i wouldn't put it past his next girlfriend either, who gave me my little sister. i can only pray to a god i don't think i believe in that he didn't do the same to my little sister. it would kill me. but as far as i saw, he didn't try.

my brother & his mom live in kentucky now. she's with a much kinder man who loves my brother the way a father should and i couldn't be more grateful to him for that, even though i've never met the man. her relationship after our father was abusive, and even though i can't say i like her, i do firmly believe that she didn't deserve that. no one does. i have half a mind to think our father hit her too, because he hit me. i don't know. i'm just glad she and my brother are safe.

i don't think i can forgive her. i wish i could, but i can't find it in myself to do it. i remember too much. we were still living with her when he started trafficking me. didn't she think it was weird that he would always be driving me places & returning alone, often not leaving again for hours? didn't she wonder where i was? what did he tell her when she asked? DID she even ask?

did she care enough to ask?