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epacer · 2 years

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Classmates

Comic-Con 2022: Scott Shaw says there’s no place like SDCC and he should know. He helped start it.

Scott Shaw sat at his booth at San Diego Comic-Con sketching the head of Fred Flintstone for a fan. Casual passersby were likely unaware that the cartoonist in the Hawaiian shirt is one of the reasons why Comic-Con exists at all.

Shaw was 18 when the first Comic-Con was held in 1970, and one of a group of seven comics fans who created and nurtured Comic-Con from its modest beginnings to the hugely influential pop culture celebration it is today.

Just don’t call him a founder.

“I don’t like that word,” he said, smiling behind his face mask. “I say, co-originator.”

Shaw has been at all but one Comic-Con since that first one in the dingy basement of a San Diego hotel.

“I had to miss one because of this,” Shaw said, exposing his prosthetic right leg, which is covered in a truly spectacular rendering of Rat Fink, the depraved-looking character created by Ed “Big Daddy” Roth in the ’60s.

“This was the first comic I used to rebel with,” he said.

But Shaw was back after that health issue was resolved and happy that the Con could resume this year after three years with virtual versions and a special scaled-down edition in November.

“I’m absolutely delighted to be here,” Shaw said. “The one in November was quite good too because there was an absence of Hollywood, which quite a few people seemed to enjoy.

“I’d say, ‘Having a good time?’ They’d say, ‘It’s the best one since 1990,’” he said. “I didn’t understand that, but I looked it up and it was the last one before Warner Brothers came in.”

Shaw says it has been a challenge remembering how to talk to the public after a few years without the usual Con crowds.

“I’m having to train myself to speak to more than one person at a time,” he says. “I don’t know whether to talk to somebody who’s buying something, the friend that I’ve known for 50 years, or someone from Comic-Con who’s here to get me to a panel or somewhere I need to be.”

Shaw has mixed feelings about what the Con has become over its 50-plus years.

“We weren’t planning to go Hollywood,” he said of the originators’ original idea. “We were more about, ‘Oh, so and so has a 16-millimeter copy of this great film.’ It was more about nostalgia.”

More than most of the other early Con creators, Shaw has worked in the field that the event set out to celebrate.

He wrote, inked and penciled for Hanna-Barbera comic books, including The Flintstones in the ’70s before going to work with that company on “The New Fred and Barney Show.”

He and Roy Thomas co-created the comic book “Captain Carrot and His Amazing Zoo Crew!” for DC Comics, and Shaw later served as the original artist for Archie Comics’ “Sonic the Hedgehog” series.

At 70, Shaw’s still as busy as ever, joking that every time his son asks him if he’s watched this or that TV show he has to tell him he doesn’t have time.

“I’m too busy getting my own stories down,” he said. “I don’t have time to watch other things.”

Shaw pulls out an illustration of one recent project, a T-shirt he designed for “Svengoolie,” the long-running Chicago horror and sci-fi movie show, which now also airs on the MeTV classic television network.

“I’m still working on my ‘oddball comics’ book, which is about the weirdest comics ever published,” he said.

Shaw said he’s also working on a few children’s graphic novels and a comic called “Kilgore Home Nursing” for Aces Weekly, a digital comics magazine founded by David Lloyd, the illustrator of Alan Moore’s “V Is For Vendetta.” That story was inspired by his experiences with home nursing care before and after he lost his right leg.

And as long as he’s able, he’ll be right here at his booth at Comic-Con, a place that has no peer, he said.

“I’ve been invited to shows all over the country,” Shaw said. “And there’s nothing that matches this show.” *Reposted article from The Orange County Register by Peter Larsen, July 24, 2022

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phillipcole · 2 years

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Post-AGT Appearance 1200: Svengoolie May 14

My publicist would be unhappy about that interview. My agent would be furious when he saw it and call me to ask if I was drunk. I would have no idea what he was talking about, but when I saw how they butchered it I would have gotten drunk for the first time since New Year’s Day. My next tv or radio appearance would be an interview taped weeks earlier for Svengoolie. It would air in the second hour of the show Saturday night. Rich Koz is Svengoolie.

Koz: Here I am with my good friend Phil Cole of Phillip and Cole’s Variety Team. Phil, how are you?

PBC: Very good and glad to be on Svengoolie, especially tonight when you’re presenting one of my favorites: The Abominable Dr. Phibes.

Koz: Why do you like this movie so much?

PBC: I guess because it’s so...impossible!

Koz: Don’t try this at home?

PBC: How could he have tried any of it in his laboratory? How do you test the hail machine? What if it didn’t work? Oh well, let’s go home Vulnavia. We’ll get the next guy ha ha.

Koz: Now Phil, your next movie comes out June 3. It’s called The Cheerleader Killings, so it’s kind of like Dr. Phibes.

PBC: Yes, but the backstory is more basic and we don’t tell you who the killer is!

Koz: Is there any science fiction or horror involved?

PBC: Anyone who would plan a killing is a horror to society. The meth...ods are available to the public I’m afraid.

Koz: So we won’t be able to show it on Svengoolie.

PBC: No, but my next movie will be right up your alley.

Koz: What’s it called?

PBC: Demon Dress.

Koz: Tell us about it?

PBC: In the 1960s an artist on LSD watches some horror movies and it inspires him to paint a nice black evening dress. 50 years later when he dies penniless his daughter has a closeout sale and sells the dress to a fashion designer. Every woman who tries on the dress turns psychotic.

Koz: Wow! I can ‘t wait for that one. When’s it come out.

PBC: This fall, I hope.

Koz: Thank you Phil.

(Sound effects.)

#svengoolie #dr phibes #drugs

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georgeromeros · 2 years

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House of Dracula (1945) dir. Erle C. Kenton

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britishchick09 · 3 years

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what a fun yet tough night it’ll be! :o

#did i meme right?#last night it was svengoolie and now it's this!#i'll watch anidom and peek around at '84 since i've already seen it and anidom is new #there's always the recorded dvd to watch afterwards! ;)#i'm curious to see how the movie is censored #i can already see so much blurring going on...#SO MUCH BLURRING #mort is returning on bob's burgers and meg is going to college on family guy so anidom is a must watch!

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teacup-tyrant · 3 years

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SHADOW AND BONE REVIEW: EP 5

On this episode: Svengoolie's troupe of performers, 1870s ballgowns except not, terrible plans that aren't sneaky at all, Mr. Darcy Darkling, and I need to take a minute over this one particular moment or I may never recover.

- Why does the leader of this performance group remind me of Svengoolie??? He’s got the hair the hat and the mustache. Do you guys know him? Maybe this is just a Chicago thing.

- More disguises for Kaz, he must be enjoying all this so much

- A WILD DAVID APPEARS! Um he is lovely, he can stay.

- Wahhhhhh Kaz is in pain bc of his leg, this hurts me emotionally and physically. Let him rest. One day. One day in 10 years maybe he will allow himself a rest.

- Full disclosure, I don’t remember a whole lot from the S&B books (only read them 1.5 times) but I remember butter week! Butter week is a wonderful thing.

- Aww this little carnival looks fun, I want to go. Reminds me of the Renaissance Faire.

- So... you’re just gonna grab Alina and walk away with her? What are you on about Kaz, that's the dumbest plan I've ever heard. There’s got to be something more sneaky to this.

- Arken. Who tf are you even. What are you doing here. What is going on here. I don’t get this plan at all.

- AlinaAAaAa! I thought her and the Darkling's whole deal would be more uncomfortable to watch but it isn't too bad. Good. I’m glad. Ok she kissed HIM and I think that made the difference. Did it happen that way in the book? I don't even remember. It’s still kind of weird but not AS weird.

- Ahahaha Jesper you’re such a flirt ahahahaha omg. I feel like... they might be playing him TOO MUCH for comic relief *dodges bullets*

- "She’s SULI." YES THE TRUE ZOYA COMES OUT

- I’m trying to historically place these fete costumes but I just cannot right now, I will need to have a think on this later. They look kind of 1870s to me but the necklines are weird and the fabric is wrong, but hey this is fantasy so it can really be whatever it wants. The thing I DO like about the costumes is all the embroidery tho, especially on all the keftas. I was kinda meh on these hair ornaments but I really like Alina’s

- Ah yes, Mr Darcy Darkling enters the ballroom and sneers at all the peasants.

- Alina you look so pretty! The black fur in her collar is *CHEF KISS*

- No wait, Inej in her oprichniki uniform is superior. Sorry, only Inej supremacy here. And actually sorry to you too Darkling, but Kaz has surpassed you as the most moody, miserable one in the room. Kaz and the Darkling even being IN the same room is just... blowing my mind, I’m gonna need a second here.

- Alina’s light-bending was beautiful. But what got me, what really got me was, of course, Inej saying Sankta Alina. Obvi this didn’t happen in the books, BUT Inej seeing her saint made me almost tear up. Alina has always been a very important person to her and Amita played this beautifully, where are my tissues

- get outa here Dima hahahahahaa

- How do you know it’s the right stag? Well it’s like a 50 point stag for one, and it hasn’t been mounted on anyone’s wall yet so that in itself is pretty magical

- Sorry Mal, Alina is Darkling's gf now, don't you remember?

- Oh Kazzzzzz what have you done, you just handed Arken a death sentence. Sneaky! I knew that first “plan” was never going to work.

- Did he just say plan F ahahahahahabaha I’m dead. See, that was a funny, witty Kaz moment. I want more funny witty Kaz but like... there hasn’t really been downtime for it so it’s ok

- Whaaat Inej told him "don’t take chances." That was cute, I wasn’t prepared for that cuteness. How dare you

- Heyyyy who do you think you are, throwing knives like Inej?!

- Dude, I fucking love these brutal fights, they are amazing. Thank you for blessing us with an adult rating for all this delicious violence

- Darkling thinking he’s about to get laid right now ahahaha smh

- Man that poor guy, Kaz framed him. You are a bad man sometimes, Kaz. :( Well, it’s ok we knew what we were getting into with him. And that's just an unfortunate consequence of working with Kaz Brekker. Sometimes you get murdered.

- Madame Hooch is here to save you, Alina! Take the broomstick and fly away!

- Seriously though, Baghra needs to sell me on this part right here bc I found it very flat in the book and it didn’t sell me at all.

- “He chose a nobleman's name.” Yeah, you mean Count Kirigan? The one with the wine cellars and where Nikolai tests all his machines? I was wondering how they were going to explain that one. Kirigan already exists and he isn't the Darkling so uhhh?

- Alina don’t make him the master of the Amplifier Deathly Hallows!

- Ugh. Man idk, it still feels so sudden. When you just get a character to tell instead of show it’s not as impactful. It’s like well lemme give you a 3 minute lore dump of why everything you've seen over the last 4 episodes is a like, and suddenly you’re on the other side now. It still feels kind of that way. It's like Gandalf in Frodo's kitchen telling him he has the One Ring. But there were flashbacks in that one and it worked really well (bc LotR does everything well, let's be real.) This still doesn't work for me and I wanted more out of this scene, boohoo.

- Kaz in a church is so hilarious to me. He should have burst into flames like a vampire ahahaha

- Are you making fun of his limp, motherfucker?! Ohoho he’s gonna kill you good and proper now

- KAZ, you let him live you son of a bitch, why have you done this?! (for people complaining about Show Kaz being too soft, I'll let you have this one. Book Kaz would have killed him 100%)

- Oh my god.

- OH MY GOD.

- OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

- I’m sorry, I’m am short-circuiting.

- She killed him for YOU, Kaz. She who does not kill!

- "Look at me. Look at me!"

- I’m never going to recover from this.

- I'm really gonna need a second here.

- ...and it was in a CHURCH too of all places. A holy place!!! Especially for Inej! Her Saints were watching!

- Yeesh. Ok. Continuing.

- That was the sound of Darkling’s spurs jangling. YEEHAH. You can take spurs off, you know. They’re not built into your shoes. You fucking cowboy. (No I’m not one of you Free Reign people so don’t even think about it)

- ...how tall is Ben Barnes? He uses the intimidating height factor a lot. Wikipedia tells me 6’1. Ok ok I see you.

- LOL Jesper I feel the same way. All that plotting and Alina just waltzes out and hides in the trunk herself. Un fucking real. I love it. That was hilarious.

ep1 | ep2 | ep3 | ep4 | ep5 | ep6 | ep7 | ep8

#pockereviews #shadow and bone #shadow and bone spoilers #sab spoilers #six of crows #grishverse #kaz brekker #inej ghafa #baghra morozova #shadow and bone review

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garazza · 4 years

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Action Comics #1023 Review

“The House of Kent: Part 2″

Action Comics #1022 “House of Kent: Part 1″ Review

Hoo-boy.

I actually appreciate this recap page, I really do, but it just rubs me the wrong way. I’m not sure if it’s the content of the recap that pisses me off or if it’s for the fact that they literally just took a page from the previous issue and slapped in some new dialogue (see Bendis’ Man of Steel mini for this to be taken to the extreme).

Most likely the latter, but there’s a good argument for the former because reading objective statements about what Bendis has done tends to do that. I guess what they could be going for is for something similar to when Svengoolie comes back from commercial break and it’s a still from the movie with Sven’s face superimposed somewhere and he makes a quip about the movie before it starts back up again.

But I digress. It fills me in on what’s been happening in the book and that’s what I needed it to do.

The art really goes down in quality since last issue. Romita, Jr.’s pencils aren’t as good, Janson’s inks are heavier and a lot more boring, and Anderson’s colors are bland and flat and not as lively. There are a few good spots and I’ll point them out, but they’re infrequent, and overall, the quality of the art is much more similar to the art in the Metropolis Doom arc than it is to last issue. This leads me to believe that editorial only gave the art team enough time over the pandemic-induced break in publishing to produce one good issue before forcing them back into a deadline where Romita, Jr.’s work is not as good and tends to suffer.

Red Cloud attacks and attempts to kill Jimmy Olsen instead of Lois Lane to send an even greater message to her and Clark.

For those of you that don’t know, the Invisible Mafia speak in code to avoid detection by Superman’s super-hearing and meet in areas surround by lead to hide from his supervision. In the beginning of this confrontation, no one says anything that Superman would respond to if he hasn’t already tuned it out, which is why Lois says out loud her nickname for her husband to get his attention.

It’s a sign of affection for them and could be utilized for such a scenario, but I don’t see why she had to say his nickname over anything else to get his attention. Maybe because since he revealed his identity to the world his real name is being said a lot more often in non-criminal ways, so he doesn’t respond to it as much as he has in the past. I’m not sure if I’m trying to come up with a rational excuse for what is actually a writer’s weird and out-of-character creative choice or if it’s what an actually competent writer intended for a discerning reader to infer and get joy from a successful analysis.

Regardless, it’s what got Superman’s attention at the end of Superman segment in the last issue. I don’t think what was supposed to be conveyed with those panels last issue was accurately conveyed by the art. Either Romita, Jr. didn’t sufficiently depict (but still beautifully rendered) what Bendis had directed him to draw, or Bendis had poorly directed Romita, Jr. in what he wanted him to draw. With this added context, however, these panels do make a lot more sense, but only with the added context. Without it, the scene is a little unclear.

You can clearly see the change in art with the two issues side by side like this. This issue, the art just doesn’t look as good. It’s just kinda blegh. It accomplishes what it needs to convey the story, but in a very boring and unspectacular way.

Also, this panel is very Harry Potter to me. Superman’s more subdued face is similar to that of book!Dumbledore in Goblet of Fire, but the almost hyperbolic dialogue is more akin to that of movie!Dumbledore. It’s very dissonant.

I really want to hate the humor of this panel, but it’s just so fun, so I won’t.

This is a really cool panel, one of the few standout moments, but I have issues.

First, I may have enjoyed the humor in the last panel, but Bendis’ attempt at humor with Jon here just makes me want to cringe. Whenever Bendis makes Jon talk, it just pisses me off and makes me want to stop reading.

Second, I see what they were going for with the glowing eyes, but this is some more of that dissonance between the art and the writing. It actually looks quite menacing, but the dialogue has a more humorous tone. Also, the actual effect for the glow is just two red circles, making their eyes look more like flashlights than radiating energy. I also want you to keep this moment in the back of your minds, I’ll refer back to it in a second.

I think the dissonance is the result of the Bendis-speak, where some of the characters are quippy, but other characters are playing the situation straight and are reacting accordingly to the incorrect behavior. There’s nothing wrong with a superhero comic being light-hearted, but it just doesn’t quite fit here. All the right ingredients are present, but they’re not all in the right proportions.

Another panel I really like. The smoke and its color are really well done, especially in contrast to the all black silhouettes except for their back logos of the Supers.

The eye glow effect looks much better here. It’s simple yet powerful.

I don’t know how important this revelation is actually supposed to be, so I’ll defer to the depiction of the comic instead of playing the fool and acting upset about something I’m ignorant about simply because I’m not a fan of the writer.

This moment is cool and all, but I don’t think Conner has super-breath. He doesn’t actually have the powers of Superman, he uses his tactile telekinesis to mimic some of the powers of Superman.

The “extreme high-velocity super-speed” was this issue’s first indication that Bendis might not know anything about this character he has stewardship over, but that can just be chalked up to Superman not remembering the powers of Conner. We don’t know the upper limit of Conner’s tactile telekinetic flight, nor should we care, it’s supposed to be a fun line.

The second indication is that Conner is shown to have heat vision when his eyes glow alongside Clark and Jon’s. He only has heat vision when he wears special goggles or a visor. Again, he doesn’t have all the powers of Superman. Tactile telekinesis only covers so much of Superman’s powers. But this can be forgiven because it is a pretty cool image.

“Once Is Chance, Twice is Coincidence, Third Time Is A Pattern.” This panel is the third instance of Bendis’ lack of understanding of Conner’s character. If this was the only instance, this would be fine, but it’s not. The moment is cool, but it’s a bridge too far.

Refer to my review of the first issue for more of Bendis not knowing anything about Conner.

EDIT: Thanks to @thebartallenblog for pointing out to me that Conner does in fact start developing more Kryptonian powers outside of his tactile telekinesis in the 2003 Teen Titans book by Geoff Johns, so Bendis does in fact know more about the character than I give him credit for, which is more than I can say for myself in this instance.

Also, this moment goes on for way too long, almost two entire pages. Beautiful, the art of decompression and wasting reader’s time and money.

“Should I super-inhale?” Shut up, Bendis.

Also, why is Red Cloud is so fixated on Superman’s family instead of just Superman. Does the Invisible Mafia have something against his family as well? It was my understanding that they have it out for him specifically, anything that is ancillary to him is extraneous and not worth their time.

“Hey! It’s not my favorite super-move on a good day.” Then why the fuck did you even make him suggest it, Bendis?

I don’t know if loved ones referring to Lois as Ma is something Bendis has been trying to push as a character quirk or if it’s some sort of weird one-off. Either way, I don’t like it. It’s not bad in of itself, don’t get me wrong, it’s just not my thing and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Again, I’m not sure how significant Jimmy figuring out Red Cloud's identity is supposed to be to the plot and the narrative, but this seems to be a bit of lampshading from a writer who literally has no right to be lampshading.

Couldn’t give a shit about the plot, I’m just here to nitpick. Next.

Feels a bit janky in the art department, but the dialogue is surprisingly in character. They all feel like they have their actual voices. It’s a nice little moment.

I would address all the instances of Bendis making Jon talk, but that would make this longer than it already is, so I’ll only do it when it’s particularly egregious.

Red Cloud comes back and attacks not!Jon and I couldn’t care less. Kill the bitch. Please.

The next two pages are a lot of nothing, just a boat load of Bendis-speak.

I’m pretty sure this played out a lot differently and more humorously in Bendis’ head when he wrote it down and Romita, Jr.’s art makes it all the more funny but for all the wrong reasons.

Who’s his partner? Officer Tomasi?

You know when I said that one panel with Lois, Clark, and Jimmy was written really in-character? This panel with Conner and Jon is the exact opposite of that.

Red Cloud and Ms. Leone have a fun back and forth for two pages. It’s a good example of Bendis-speak working well.

“Black Label Club?” One meta-reference is enough, but two is stupid. I actaully feel a little conflicted nitpicking this, but Black Label is in such a weird place right now, so why reference it?

But “Clark Kent walked into a bar...” is a pretty bad ass line, very John Wick.

A very cool sequence, but it’s full of Bendis-speak and very decompressed.

Why the fake-out of the Superfamily executing a gangland-style shooting with Jon being the one pulling the trigger? I get it’s a story beat the narrative is supposed to hit, but still.

The reveal is pretty funny, shrinking the club, so it’s a little forgivable, but the set up and the pay off don’t quite match. It’s just another example of that dissonance I’ve been mentioning.

I know that “supersons” line was put there by Bendis as a deliberate dig at his detractors, so I’m not going to take the bait and get pissed. Nice try, big guy.

All in all, this issue was not as bad as I initially thought. It’s series of some really big highs and lows.

#superman #superboy #conner kent #jon kent #lois lane #jimmy olsen #red cloud #robinson goode #ms. leone #invisible mafia #brainiac 5 #clark kent #action comics #brian michael bendis

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thenightling · 14 days

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The original Wolfman (1941) is on Svengoolie next Saturday.

The Wolfman is actually one of my favorite black and white Universal Monster movies. Dracula might be the first monster to truly scare me but The Wolfman holds a special place in my heart.

I love both nearly equally. I love the character of Dracula more than I love Lawrence Talbot (The Wolfman), but I think The Wolfman is a better paced and more exciting film than the 1931 Dracula.

My favorite silent horror movie is 1926's Faust by Director F. W. Murnau (director of Nosferatu).

I love the original Werewolf poems of The Wolfman. And I also love the use of the pentagram / Pentacle to warn who the next victim will be, protect against werewolves, and also (if properly worn) prevent werewolf transformations.

As for how Dracula scares me and why he's my favorite monster... I didn't think I was scared of Dracula but one day I was home alone watching a History channel documentary that mentioned that Poenari Castle (The real Castle Dracula, not Bran Castle, which is used for tourism). And the locals were seeing strange lights and hearing strange noises up at the castle so they sent some priests to bless the place. Before they could reach the castle a terrible storm hit so they had to do the blessing from a distance.

And I thought "Isn't conjuring storms one of Count Dracula's powers?"

At that moment the door creaked open and I practically jumped out of my skin. That's when I knew Dracula actually scared me. I didn't realize it on a conscious level until then. This was in 2006 or so.

I also remember watching the original "Let the Right One In." and thinking "Ah, this isn't so scary." And it was the scene as the child vampire is climbing up the hospital wall. And at that exact moment the power went out (Snow storm) and for a split second I thought "Oh, crap! Child vampire's going to get me!"

So yes, vampires can and do actually scare me.

Werewolves scare me too but for a different reason. I don't fear being torn apart by a werewolf. I fear being one. The ones that change into wolves at will are fine. I wouldn't mind being one of those. I love wolves and wouldn't mind the power to become a literal wolf at will so long as I can keep my mind in tact.

But the now cliche Hollywood movie version of werewolves that only change on the full moon, don't remember what they do when in wolf-like form, and usually kill someone they love- that would be horrific.

I had at least one nightmare as a kid of waking up after a werewolf transformation and finding I had killed people I love. It was such a relief to wake up from that nightmare.

#The Wolfman #Svengoolie

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alovevigilante · 3 years

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George Carlin: Trix, are for kids.

Kari: Well, Mikey likes it.

George: That’s life. My point exactly.

Kari: What is this in reference to exactly?

George: Cereal.

Kari: why are we discussing cereal? I was politely drinking my coffee, and keeping to myself...

George: you forget, you think ass thoughts, so I’m here, to interrupt your negative flow.

Kari: what was I thinking about?

George: ass.

Kari: I was?! I didn’t even realize I was entertaining that.

George: Kari, you’ve been entertaining ass all this time and you don’t even know it...

Kari: I do? Is it amused?

George: very.

Kari: well then, I guess that’s good?

George: are you happy right now?

Kari: not particularly.

George: then it’s not good.

Kari: right. So, you’re saying that you interrupted my flow, with cereal. Why?

George: couple of reasons: 1. It’s breakfast time, and I’m hungry.

Kari: I’m not.

George: yeah, i noticed.

Kari: ok, well, what’s the second reason?

George: you don’t even realize it, do you?

Kari: probably not. What is it?

George: you are now, alone, and talking to yourself. And I’m not ok with it.

Kari: why not?

George: cause you have a friend waiting to invest in you, and you’re ignoring him.

Kari: I am?!

George: yes.

Kari: ok, who is it?

George: your son. He wants you to talk to him about silly shit. And you are sitting here, wallowing in your old energy of career woes.

Kari: I was?! I’m talking to him!

George: yes, but not fully. So, go give your full attention to him! Watch his Cookie Monster make shit in his food truck even though he’s a monster, and he lives on a street with weird animals that talk, and people who don’t think that’s at all unusual.

Kari: I’ve always wanted to live there too..

George: I know. You’re weird too.

Kari: yeah. So I’ve been told and thought of that way...

George: besides, you’re entirely too filthy to live there because of your ass talk.

Kari: maybe I could live with Oscar... He’s pretty filthy too.

George: no, he already lives with Chong. Besides, Frank oz has banned you from there for life because of your nut bag naughty talk.

Kari: oh... ok. Well, dreams are not all they’re cracked up to be sometimes anyway, I guess.

George: your dreams aren’t you. You create them. Do you think you’d really be happy living on Sesame Street?

Kari: no, I’m pretty ok not doing that.

George: right. So, be cool where you are, and then once that happens, you can move on up to the east side. But before you do that, you have to be cool, with you.

Kari: oh shit. I’m never going to be the Jeffersons, ok?! I’m going to be working on this forever.... I feel like I’ll never get there.

George: well, you won’t if you sit on the internet writing about how you won’t, and avoiding engaging in your present moment which is where you are physically right now in your three dimensional reality.

Karl: good point.

George: it’s why I’m here.

Kari: ok, well, bye for now, I guess.

George; I’m coming with you. There’s nothing going on on here without you. I’m done with the sifting through sexy illustrations to entertain the few who dig them.

Belushi, John: I’m not!

George: yes, we are.

Kari: ok, well, let’s go.

John: noooooooooooooooooo....

George: yes.

Kari: I’m tired.

George: Leave us here then.

John Belushi: yes!!!

Kari: ok, cool. See ya whenever.

Richard Pryor: (to George) listen, she is my pal, ok? I’m not cool with her leaving us here to be ourselves on the internet. I’m not ok with that. Ok?! So no. And I’m mad. And I’m sad. And I’m not going to take it anymore. And I’m going to hold my breath and turn pink and beige and purple and cry and scream and joke and get my dick caught in my fly, and pee on my radio I walk around with, and discuss taboo subjects that most women wouldn’t go near with a ten foot dick asshole combo pole, cause she and I are cool, ok? So leave it be, George!

George: ok, Richie.That’s the reason why she’s upset. This energy she’s writing, is us man, ok? It’s not her. That’s the reason why she’s yelling every five minutes about famous people that she has a slight, marginal interest in.

Kari: that’s actually not true.

George: then why are you yelling?

Kari: ok, well, a few reasons. 1. I’m Italian, so it goes without stereotypical saying, 2. I’m mad, because you guys won’t shut it, and mainly 3. Because these are the NUT BAG MOTHBALLS that made me want to go into the entertainment field to begin with.

George: why does that make you mad and yell?

Kari: because I need a job, and I’m now the laughing stock of Hollywood because of my ass writing! And now, I feel the need to go back to school, to make myself into something I’m not, to get paid in a job that I’m not qualified for, ok?! No. It’s not ok. I’m not ok with it!!! I’m pissed that I decided to chase a dream that didn’t pan out, and didn’t fulfill me, because I found out too late, that I didn’t invest fully, in believing in myself. I listened to what everyone else thought about me, and I swallowed it. I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere, because I felt like I wasn’t accepted or liked. And that completely fucked me up. I’m still like that. And instead of caring about myself, and supporting myself internally, I changed my career, and spent our nest egg on being a designer for an exhibit that I couldn’t pull off for various reasons with help from my husband and a handful of others, trying to prove myself to people and the world at large that I was worth investing in, and that they themselves, were also worth investing in. I just have nothing to go back to... Sigh... It’s a longer story than war or peace...

Belushi, John: or this story you’re telling now...

Kari: Belushi, I’m not in the mood. I will string you up by your grubby lil toes and wave your ass all around Chicagoland because I don’t leave my city often, and display you in the next thanksgiving day parade here, on state street, next to the second bozo which isn’t too shabby but he’s no bob bell which he literally isn’t, and svengoolie, who should be in the parade, but isn’t! Ok?! So start with me again, poop bucket! I’m not in the mood to scoop your shit today, ok?! Yeahhh! And now on top of all that, I have to tend to you cause you’re a pain in my ass, I have to go back to school which I don’t have the dough or energy to do, I’m going to be over 50 before I can have enough credits and credentials so I can prove to society that I’m qualified to be a professional something or other, and I’ll be in the hole another hundred grand at least, and no, autocorrect, I’m not bitter, I’m sad, and lost, and aggravated, and done with all of this.

Belushi, John: pft... women...

Kari: I’ll give you women, ok? You take away the w in women and that’s what you’re gonna get from me in about 5 milliseconds ok? The Omen! Ok?! And not just because I have my lady time, ok?!!? Just start running now.. run for the Hollywood hills...

Belushi John: ha! The jokes on her, she’ll never go there...

Kari: I will go just to pin you up by your asscheeks, and go to verbally pummel the douche that made the “Jeff” meme go viral. But, my neighbor’s name is also Jeff. Do check out HIS good shit, cause he’s an amazing guitarist... just sayin... so shut your pie ass flap mouth butt jerk fach John Belushi head!

Belushi, John: No! Now wait a minute! Wait just a cotton pickin John candy corn minute...

John candy; No.

George: see Richie?! That’s why we can’t do this anymore... This shit is out of control.

Richard: ok, Kari, I get all of this, ok? I really do. Listen, we all got a good thing going here, ok? You’re like a man that looks like a woman, and you’re fun, and we can say our shit, and talk about the shit, and be the best of us without getting bashed by the critics, and no one gives a shit, ok?

Kari: But they do give a shit!!!

Richard: but do you?

Kari: I guess I do....

George: yeah, that’s what we’ve been working on thinking ourselves out of. Where have you been, Richie?!

Rick James: cocaine is a hell of a drug...

Richard: So let’s stay here and be cool, Kari, ok?! You’re as honest as fuck, ok? And that’s really honest. And we can work it out together, ok? And you won’t talk shit about bill Murray anymore cause Harold Ramis decided that he’s no fun anymore anyway.

Harold ramis: it’s true. Bill Murray is no fun anymore anyway.

(George turns back to Kari.)

George: Kari?

Kari: right. Scene.

George: no! Kari. You! Just fucking finally be ok, with you! You are also, this, in a way. And you know it. You’ve just never been brave enough to trust it, or let anyone see it! So bring it back around.

Kari: how the hell can I do that?! This shit went all over creation, ok?! I don’t know how to bring it back! We went from negative subconscious thoughts to not spending time with my son who’s taking to me about Cookie Monster and Swedish pancakes or something cause I’m half listening and not present writing you goofballs, to living with Oscar and Chong in oscars garbage can on Sesame Street, and then Richard wants to stay and yell about his sore dick without people being pissed about it, and Belushi, John wants to weed though dirty pics for the rest of my life....

John: I do, I really do...

Jackie mason: and Richard screams like a kid, that’s turns all shades of colors cause he’s pitching a fit, and she is a visibly labeled a white woman even though she doesn’t define or identify herself like that, but people don’t know where she’s coming from, so they potentially think she’s a racist and a lunatic cause they’ve never met her before, and she’s talking more shit than Steve Martin did as Navin r. Johnson in the jerk, and everyone accepted that shit, and she’s also talking like dead and live celebrities! They don’t know her from shit, or shineola, and yet they avoid her like she is shit, because of all of this! And Harold ramis called bill Murray a sad sack of potatoes the other day, and her only 2 points of reference to zets him are ghostbusters and meatballs! And she’s sick of it! Ok?! I’m done too! We all are! How many times can she talk about meatballs the movie in her life?! There’s a limit! And if there isn’t, there should be! And I’m even done with the meatballs, ok?! And that’s saying something! It is!!!! Cause I’m not Italian, but I normally love meatballs! And people are like, “why the hell is she talking about that movie meatballs? It’s 700 years old!” And moreover, most people are like, “what the hell is she talking about cause I’ve never even heard of the movie meatballs ever!!!” Ok?! So no! No to all of this!!!! And you don’t need an optigrab to see THAT! (Put the emphasis on the single syllable, THAT! Please read this stage direction out loud. Didn’t? Go back to the beginning of this scene, and do it all over again. Thank you- the management... read this part too... out loud. Yes.) oy. She’s a real nus pilke!

Kari: How the hell do I put a button on this nut ball scene?!

George: Kari, it’s breakfast time. Ok? So go eat.

Kari: righto.

Arthur Spooner: you owe the king of queens 7 zillion dollars and ten cents for the use of the word, “righto” as residual payment for quotes.

Kari: put it on my tab.

Steve Martin: ahhhhh yessss... your TAB.... (Steve paces around in silence for effect) You, mrs. Smartyshortlessbutyouareshortsoyes, owe me, the very abundant Steve Marin, THI-RTY big ones.... yes!!!! Thirty whole CENTS, for the shineola and optigrab reference, NOT to mention but I will because I always do, the use of the word tab, because I, Steve Martin alone, featured it in the jerk the movie, back in 1979, which I can’t remember, because I’ve been too obsessed with blue grasses for the last umpteen years! So yes, mrs. Keillornopantscausetheygowayupyournetherlandsnevertoreturnagain, I’m mad at you, a woman I don’t know about and have never met and don’t want to cause I’m a very busy and important star, yessss, and I hate you, even though all the aforementioned shit, and shineola, which I can say without crediting or paying myself, or I can’t, check said THAT! Not to mention that now I am a big time master class leader teacher, which puts me next in line to be the Pope of comedy not funny, erase it, no, and you are a grammatical mess, with your run on sentences and lack of proper punctuation...

John Cleese and Eric idly watching in agreement: quite.

John Cleese: I also teach a masters class in comedy.

Steve Martin: .... Which means yes to me, and yes to John Cleese, but no, to you, Kari keillor, for your ass talk. And if Carl Reiner was here, he’d say the same thing, only with a wink, and a gotcha!!!! Mr. serious Steve Martin, which I am, cause I forgot who was talking, so stick THAT in your pipe, and smoke it, lady!!!!

Joe Tex: 🥸🎶 He GOTCHA! 🎶

Kari: oh duck....

George: go now, before it gets worse.

Kari: ok, fine! I’ll put a button on this shit myself!!!! Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes are grrrrrrreat!

Tony the Tiger: you owe Kellogg’s 10 cents bitch...

John: man, that tiger is an assss!

George: listen Kari, feeling grrrrreat is a bit too lofty of an energy from where your at right now in this scene to be able to maintain it. Try for a bran cereal. That’s the next best energy for your mood, and it’ll help you to eliminate this shit.

Kari: ok. Plop, plop, fizz fizz oh what a relief it is...

George: close enough.

Scene.

P.S. I do love ALL my ladies of comedy. Yes, all... including the men.

This monologue/scene, is written by me, and for no one but me. I’m pretty sure it will now ensure my demise in the entertainment industry, and most likely go down, as the worst piece of shit, ever written. I will now go, and search the want ads, and forget all about this.... hopefully.

Appendices: I found 2 potential job leads. Fingers crossed 🤞....

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