yall have got to be more normal about Southern people and I'm not kidding. enough of the Sweet Home Alabama incest jokes, enough of the idea that all Southerners are bigots and rednecks, and enough of the idea that the South has bad food. shut up about "trailer trash" and our accents and our hobbies!

do yall know how fucking nauseating it is to hear people only bring up my state to make jokes about people in poverty and incestuous relationships? how much shame I feel that I wasn't born up north like the Good Queers and Good Leftists with all the Civilised Folk with actual houses instead of small cramped trailers that have paper thin walls that I know won't protect me in a bad enough storm?

do yall know how frustrating it is to be trans in a place that wants to kill you and whenever you bring it up to people they say "well just move out" instead of sympathizing with you or offering help?

do yall understand how alienating it is to see huge masterposts of queer and mental health resources but none of them are in your state because theyre all up north? and nobody seems to want to fix this glaring issue because "they're all hicks anyways"

Southern people deserve better. we deserve to be taken seriously and given a voice in the queer community and the mental health space and leftist talks in general.

hi random oc info dump time. not all of these ocs have been ones ive posted b4 so soz. idk i doubt anyone will read this

anyways cyril is the kinda guy to see a pigeon and ask "is anyone gonna take that" and not wait for an answer

been thinking abt johan a lot more and i wanna do more stuff with him issue is his whole Thing is such a vent moment but idk. plus he gives me way too much gender envy? also considering making him bi which uh... i'll probably do lmao

thinking abt making stuff abt katarina and her pigeons cuz oh my GOD THEY DESERVE SO MUCH. i mean katarina is kind of a bitch (esp to emil) but PIGEONS DUDE. honestly i wanna make a short story thing w/ katarina and emil, explore their relationship dynamic a bit more. yes i am a lover of mutually destructive relationships how could you tell *twirls hair*

I NEED TO FINISH MY FUCKING HUMAN DESIGNS OF THE FURRY CHARACTERS I KNOW I'LL DO IT SOON. nikita deserves his dilf moment (/hj) speaking of nikita no i won't explain how he has a homunculus and im always so thankful no one asks me questions regarding that thing

hurgrhr

ugh i hate that i can feel myself disconnecting with my best friends not 2 sound insane . but like i srsly need them . like i think i’d go to a very dark place if i lose all touch with them so this ... rlly sucks ....

Personal thoughts and venting abt fandom below. Feel free to skip.

I feel like im wishing for something, wanting some sort of interaction but i dont rly know what. Its not wanting attention per se, bc ive honestly been low on available energy for others, so ive nothing to give back. But i feel something is lacking.

As you may know, I forayed into a fandom new to me. but due to some circumstances of the current incarnation of the media itself, i worry its mostly inhabited by young people, and i already see the edges of drama. So that kind of sucks. But idk ill just keep inhabiting my little corner of the internet over there and see how it goes.

I do sort of wish i felt more comfortable with being in a fandom in general, but idk my brains making it be A Thing. The pacrim fandom experience was wonderful and the people were/are lovely. But its also the only fandom that has destroyed my self esteem/confidence in creating content. And its not a fair assessment bc a handful of people have been incredibly supportive, and i dont want to discount that. But the damage is done and if i ever post anything pacrim again (unlikely), and the response is poor to none, it will do even more damage. And i know ive talked about this before, but it was SO crushing and invalidating to be told "you know, you can make stuff for yourself right?" So i stopped trying in order to protect what little creativity i had left. Its what pushed me to stop being active in the fandom altogether.

Its no surprise. I tend to pack my bags when things go south. I've left whole platforms, even industries bc of feeling invalidated. Now this is something i for sure know ive mentioned before, but i participate in fandoms to connect w people and have fun. I create to share a piece of myself. No its not abt notes or kudos. Its abt the fact that i put myself out there, and the response was essentially radio silence. Crickets. Thats the void telling me "no thanks. We dont want that piece of you."

Anyway, new fandom, which i guess is technically number four if we're talking the ones i was active in, is prob not going to go anywhere. Its not huge but its got a lot of weird ins and outs. I dont think anyone will befriend me or even interact. I rly wish tumblr encouraged conversation better. Its the one thing i miss abt twitter. So the gameplan is to just sort of be there and be present, and if someone takes notice of me and reaponds, then great. And if not, im not getting my hopes up, so it wont be a let down to go unnoticed. Its kind of freeing to start fresh where nobody knows you and you don't have any expectations of how it will go. But gosh thats all meta, and I just really wish i could be a fan and have fun and get excited w other fans.

Thats what it is. Thats what im missing. I miss having fun about the thing im interested in. What a shame.

so. just like - updates, overview, mood, what im trying to deal with, lowkey venting

ending week 7 of school (out of 10) and im so glad that both classes are rly laid back bc i am struggling sfm with everything lately. and i mean, spanish is still challenging bc its a whole different language, but it’s a very familiar challenging and the prof, for all her faults, is a soft grader which i appreciate.

im a lot calmer about the kitten situation bc even tho (stray) momma cat had five kittens this time, good!neighbors helped last year and have been involved with me thru momma cat ever since, and im a lot more familiar with what to do. for instance, i didnt panic and temporarily steal all her babies at fair injury to myself only to research, see that they should be with their mom at this age, confirm it with the vet, then let them go right back outside lmao. instead im just leaving them with her but beginning to interact with them. and im sure the neighbors socialize them, too - after all, they’re mostly on/under their deck and who wouldn’t want to play with tiny kittens?

and yall, they’re so fucking cute im ;;;;;; one gray, one pure black, one tuxedo like its mom, and two tortoiseshells, one with a black splotch right on the middle of its face and nose ;o;

and in less fun but still good-ish news, i think i got the one concession that since alcohol has become such a big trigger of mine, if my brother is going to drink he has to be kinda subtle about it, ie no beer cans left in the sink for me to wake up to and feel like ive been punched in the gut literally first thing in the morning (:

actually bc ive been so triggered by that (it’s been going on for like 4 days as of yesterday) i had a Ton of anxious energy and, in part bc ive been needing to anyway, rearranged my room p significantly. but now im on my desktop at my actual desk instead of trying to work on, literally, a folding tv dinner tray. but my 10g aquarium was on my desk and its a pain to move - still, it was one of those rearrangement sessions where after u move one thing u see how another thing should be moved, and it all works out really well. the new location for the 10g is so close that i was able to slide it over and have it rest at one point on both surfaces

im still exhausted and still fighting so many different things, health, stress, etc. - but i have my root canal appointment on monday (finally!) and while, like, the tooth is already dead and a drainage point has developed naturally, both of which mean im not in pain, its still an ongoing infection and that’s Not Great for anyone and esp for my immunocompromised ass. so, yeah, looking forward to that. also bc it’s a complicated root canal job (my root splits midway and has two ends, and it’s one of my front teeth! even tho it’s a pain, neat) i need to see an actual endodontist, but im honestly p excited abt that bc endo is my personal favorite dental specialty and it’s so cool. i love watching them work? even when they’re working on me?

im gonna run my name & gender change forms done to the courthouse this upcoming week, and im rly excited! and nervous! i don’t think i have much cause to be, like i think it’ll go thru without a hitch, but official paperwork of any stripe makes me hella nervous

but also i have been... rly relieving my past a Lot lately. some of u may’ve seen me mention this in now deleted posts but just, yeah, i think everything that’s going on just stirred up all my old traumas and i cant rly ignore it anymore, so im thinking abt getting a therapist of some kind, more just to have someone external to the family and not, yknow, tumblr to talk to abt all this. even dug out my DBT handbook, which should say a Lot abt my state of mind bc that thing was a pain to dig out and it’s heavy and unwieldy (and great, and written by someone with BPD, and great and personally completely revolutionary and did i mention great?)

but the garden and all the growth and the birds and squirrels and bugs and everything else makes me feel so calm, so connected to smth a lot greater and vaster than my household or immediate family or the stressors (living) downstairs, which helps.

update post, gonna put under a read more. its gonna be rambly and honest abt how i feel on certain things, why i’ve been gone and what im gonna do from now on etc. tw for mental illness !

i’ve been inactive for a month, almost 2 i think? its kind of painful to evaluate everything to be honest. i’ve had my blog for half a year. i really loved and had fun in the hphm fandom and ive met great people. people come and go, and im alright with that. when i first joined, i never expected so many people would enjoy ollie, my first ever mc. i was just so so happy and wanted to draw and share more of my oc stories and creations with everybody. as time gone on, i started feeling isolated, and slowly started getting more hate for various reasons and i felt very overwhelmed. 

i’ve always tried my best to be kind to everybody and understand things from different perspectives but i realise that there are some people you can just never see eye to eye with no matter how hard u try. my mistake was trying too hard to get along with everybody. it rlly sucks when you find leaked convos of ppl you thought u were friends with insulting you, ppl you drew for and thought you had fun with talking smack behind ur back. its alright to not like me or my content ! i just dont see why ppl would interact positively with me and act a different way once my back is turned. i think its pretty...ugly, to be honest. if u rlly had an issue with me, dm me and lets talk it out civilly. i dont shy away from an honest conversation; if i truly did anything wrong i will admit to my mistakes, apologize and hopefully change for the better. we are all human, its normal to fuck up and theres always room for change.

its easy to say just ignore the hate and move on, and believe me thats exactly what i tried to do. it was really uncomfortable and i felt like i was just putting on a mask to remain positive, sociable and welcoming to everybody i interacted with. i did that for 3 months and overtime, it just crumbled. i felt really paranoid everytime i had an interaction, because i saw so much negativity about me that i wish i did not that i started to doubt every interaction i had. i didnt know if someone was pretending to be kind to me, i started to think what if they had heard bad things about me from others and were judging me etc, its a lot to handle. im a paranoid scizophrenic and feelings of paranoia manifest into auditory hallucinations for me. these feelings arent just a bad gut feeling. i hear people talking about me and how theyre going to hurt me because they hate me etc. its honestly really exhausting and its hard to tell whats real and fake and it makes me disassociate.

people believe what they want to believe. there’s always two sides to a story. i’m tired of being painted as somebody bad because of petty gossip, i’m tired of always needing to defend myself. once you’re on someone’s bad side, you’re judged and nitpicked for every single minor detail. its awful. if others vent, its alright because everyone has their problems and deserve to be heard! if i vent, its me being whiny and playing a victim card. people can easily twist your words to suit their narrative. words can hurt like a bitch, you know. i wish more people realised there’s weight in their words. 

and to address this if its unclear; i’m no longer in a relationship and i ended it myself. i just dont feel like im in a good place mentally to sustain a rs for a very, very long time. i would also appreciate it if people can stop associating me with my previous partner. i do not want anything to do with them. i wont disclose any details out of respect but please respect how i feel on this.

to sum up i’m sorry if i’ve ever hurt anybody. i’m just tired of the negativity and the indirects. people who know me, know me. i always try to be kind but i have my limits too. i disappeared for two months because i couldnt cope with it, but I'm willing to try again. i’ll be very cautious with who i interact from now on, and i hope you can understand why. im just protecting myself. i want to have fun drawing and creating content for me and my friends and not for the sake of others, as it should have been from the very start. i just want to have fun again and to slowly learn to trust people. thank you if you read this to the very end, it was just an honest and long ramble of how i’ve been feeling. i hope i can share more of ollie and my other ocs with everybody and that with time, i can let go of the painful things i’ve experienced before. 

😔 some Thoughts on the Trans Experience under the cut that i wanna vent out bc of some posts ive seen around that just kinda didnt sit right with me i guess

every time someone on here is like “trans men cannot experience eldest/only daughter trauma bc they are men and are therefore experiencing transphobic trauma” it’s like... man, gender is way too complex to be so cut & dry about a topic like this. many trans men grew up experiencing the traumas of being a daughter And being a trans man daughter, both pre-transition and post. saying that isn’t saying “trans men are actually women because they experienced this women’s trauma” it’s just recognising that many traumas overlap, regardless of gender. i know it comes from a supportive place, validating us as real men, but that should include validating our unique experiences too. 

i hope this makes sense, but a trans-man-daughter is still 100% a man, still 100% a son, but is very different to and does not have the same experience as a trans-man-son. and a trans-man-daughter doesn’t mean “a trans man raised as a daughter because they didn’t know they were trans at the time”, or “a trans man raised as a daughter by a homophobic parent even after coming out and already knowing they are trans”. no, a trans-man-daughter can still also be a trans man raised as a son with 100% support, because a parent’s trauma can still pass on regardless of the circumstance, because a trans person’s relationship with themselves and their own gender and body and mind is so unique and one-of-a-kind that we were practically designed to overlap the many gendered concepts that so many gatekeep as a sense of empowerment. 

and it sucks making our own posts/experience sometimes, because they never feel like “our own”? because they all come from traumas and bigotry that have already been boxed and labelled and sorted into sections, and to be someone who has bits and pieces from all those different boxes/sections? a trans person can, for example, experience misogyny one year and then transmisogyny the next and that doesnt make the misogyny the prior year “actually transmisogyny”, it was still misogyny that was experienced, even if it’s later relabeled as “transmisogyny”. if anything that just makes it TWO kinds of misogyny experienced instead of just one. it’s terribly confusing. and trust me, for every cis person confused by a trans concept, i can almost guarantee you it’s just as confusing for the trans person themselves. and this isn’t also me saying that ohh trans people have it worse because we experience Double the bigotry and trauma - no absolutely not. i just think it’s important for people to realise that there are people who will experience both misogyny And transmisogyny and that in itself creates its own new kind of bigotry/trauma experienced, if that makes sense?

of course, i don’t speak for every single trans man, but it’s a very specific kind of transphobia a lot of us experience that ties in directly with eldest/only daughter trauma, and why we relate to and connect with posts like that, even when they’re aimed specifically at those who identify primarily as women.

and on top of all that, i see quite a few of the same trans man “supporters” who say “trans men can’t experience daughter’s traumas because they’re men” do complete 180s and say that trans women can’t experience eldest/only daughter trauma bc their transphobia doesn’t correlate with “womanhood” at the source, because trauma that sons/men/male at birth experience is different to the trauma that daughters/women/female at birth experience, which is.. horrifically and bewilderingly transmisogynistic, transphobic, alienating, and just..  Shocking. shocking that these two points can be somehow made in the same breath together without any of them realising what they’re saying.

it’s like.. this weird group of people who are somehow both the opposite of and exactly the same as terfs? theyre more like... tirfs - trans Inclusionary radical feminists - the people who treat trans men like a substitute for the “effeminate cis gay best friend”, the one’s who will validate your masculinity but not entirely consider you a 100% guy, latching onto that “biological fact” of trans men being “female at birth” and therefore considering you more of a “sister” than a “brother”, regardless of them knowing and understanding that you are a man. i guess its kind of very similar to the transphobes who make awful comments that nonbinary people are just closeted lesbians/gays?

anyway, yes, many traumas are gendered due to binaries designated by society and a misogynistic and men-restricting patriarchy (and many other factors that all play parts in this whole big system such as religion and the upper class), but traumas are traumas, and honestly shouldn’t be gendered, because they all overlap regardless, and can be experienced by anyone if the exact circumstances are met. that and every single trans experience is so unique and so so complex because gender in itself is an extremely unique and complex concept that it just cannot in any way be monitored or labelled into strict rules and laws and binaries.

every time i see a post on here about womanhood and daughter traumas and cis women’s misogynistic experiences and hell even a lot of lesbian traumas/experiences, i find myself completely and entirely relating to many of them every single time even though i am 100% a trans guy, and half grew up as a son. and i guess it’s just kind of weird but not so weird because sure while some days it just feels like im not calling myself a true trans guy, most days its just me validating and relating to an experience that i had that was unique to me and doesnt necessarily mean that im a woman because of it

because womanhood and manhood are temperaments, traits we are either born with or without, traits that are ever-changing and developing as we evolve generation by generation. anyone can pick up or be born with parts of womanhood and/or manhood. like that’s what makes all of us so unique, not a single one of us are alike in any way shape or form because of that. the combinations are always unlimited. so it’s just dumb seeing stuff like that gatekeeped. you cant Own an Experience like thats... what the hell is going on. every time its always the same thing, everyone’s always tryna play god in some way, be it mastering themselves, their own emotions and life, or controlling others, dictating what they think how certain things should be etc

it’s like that one post that’s like everything would be so much simpler if everyone was bi and nothing was gendered ghadjgdkgj

idk.. just.. to gender conceptual things like gender and traits and personalities and traumas is just so... unhelpful and unopen to change and not fluid whatsoever as theyre supposed to be. i dont wanna be all “nothing is real” abt it all but labels and binaries and decided systems and set laws are literally the reason, since the beginning of time, for wars and bigotry and oppression and poverty and the whole shebang. bc Someone decided one day that being a woman means this this and that, and being trans means that and this and that, and those meanings will be the basis we will rewrite occasionally and maybe add to, instead of completely scrapping our whole outdated initial ideas about it bla bla bla. 

im just tired gender is weird and stupid why are we arguing why are we so protective like just have a convo man rule with curiosity not adamancy and you’ll be sooo much happier trust me

man. i gotta put this somewhere so. (vent)

you know im trying really hard to get past the break up so i can stay friends w ex. i don’t want to cause any drama by talking about it but staying mopey in my head isn’t the best thing either. the ppl i would usually talk with.. well we’re in quarantine and i’m not a very good texter. i literally can’t talk to my ex about bc who does that. so a non disclosed third party aka in the the blogging void of the tumbles it goes :p

ive been staying off gc for a while to give myself a lil breather from whats been going on + me being stressed/depressed as all hell from like. a variety of reasons. i didn’t let ppl know so i hope ppl didn’t think i dropped off the face of the earth or anything.. it was kind of an ass move of me but idk.. i still needed it. i want to start coming back but im awkward as all hell but well. it should be fine i feel like im well known for disappearing unfortunately lol... when i decided to mb start coming back i immediately learned that my ex was dating someone else and tbh i could’ve guessed from the start that it was going to happen as much as she denied it. i knew it and i fucking hate that i was right. it feels awful.the day i found out was when i was finally finished with my hell week pt 1 too so i was expecting to finally chill out and start replying to ppl and thats the first thing i find out so like. lol. i wish i was over her already bc i thought i was getting there but as soon as i saw that i reverted. the whole break up processs im upset @ myself for bc i totally just shut down... instead of acting like a normal person and getting the proper closure i think i cried on her bed for like 30mins how... embarrassing is that... .. back then she said she wasn’t looking to date during college anymore and i took that at full face value but of course she was saying that to let me down easy. i know i know i know back then the jealousy i was feeling wasn’t unwarranted... i don’t even know what to feel like. i LIKE her new gf&her friends and i wish i could get to know them to but like for me it feels like theres this barrier of my ex between them and i don’t feel super comfortable interacting with them anymore. the fire stuff was honestly rlly interesting but i should probably leave the club since i don’t feel very comfortable anymore in there either. it probably is not a great idea to force myself in a position to interact w ex + new gf when im not ready at all.

i know i wasn’t great at the beginning w me not replying at all but man the first two months were great. i still miss it even tho i wish i wouldn’t. the last month was awful ive never been more dysfunctional before. we both told each other that we want to be friends and on some level i still do but rn with her dating the exact person i knew she was going to date again even thinking about interacting w her feels awful all the while i miss doing things with my friends.ikik ik they’re a better fit for each other too. i know. but i can’t help but feel like shit all about this. she did the same thing beforehand: broke up w her previous partner a month/two later, start dating another partner... i know 3 months wasn’t even that long but i guess since it was my first relationship it really meant a lot to me. she meant a lot to me & still does and sometimes i catch myself thinking back to if i did ___ right maybe we would’ve stayed t gether longer/she would still want to be with me but god, what an awful way to think about things. i don’t want to linger in the past like that and just hurt myself. i guess the pain rn comes from the 1) jealousy confirmed right 2) she’s moved on a long time ago 3) going to lose a friend/friend group? i don’t know. i just can’t bring myself to talk the gc more since they were her friends first. but the more i stay out the more i isolate myself. i really fucking don’t know anymore about what to do. i wish i could just talk to her straight abt all this fucking shit but i don’t think i can bring myself to message her and i don’t know if she’ll want to deal with an ex’s insecurities lol. not good w emotional stuff. its not her responsibility to reassure me but in some petty way i want her to recognize just a little bit of how shitty that was & how shitty she acted in the last month as vindication. it would be nice for me to feel straight anger just once instead of trying to make it go away all the time. but man. i miss her as a friend so much. i want to just go play a latenight game w/ her again playing thru fc and just sending her posts she would like was fun. i miss it. idk if i can go back until i can really just get over myself anymore but will we even be friends then? i really don’t know anymore. fuck complex issues xoxox

jade, of course, is still trying to deflect rather than own up to anything at all. im too lazy for screenshots so youre going to have to deal with text for this one. you can see their post here though. and if receipts are needed they are most likely on the callout blog or you can come to me if you cant find them.

“uses their own dead grandma as leverage out of nowhere literally months after the original argument”

jade are you really that braindead. like youre still just proving my previous point. youre still practically shitting on me for it. i gave a reason as to why that night was so traumatic for me because you keep trying to make it seem “like it wasnt that bad” by your own words!

also like uh, jade. you yourself have used your aunt having cancer as a reason to just... excuse every single action youve done. so again, take that and choke.

“abuses their own bf/ex but its fine because he abused her first lolololol!!!”

jade i... honestly have no words. youre still defending a pedophile, and you even admit he abused me. like, yes, i cheated on him. but how does the fact he is a pedophilic abuser not process through your head. why are you so set on defending that. a genuine question.

“flips back and forth on whether they were actually abused or not whenever it benefits her“

theres... nowhere that even says that in the link you posted. are you posting that to still try and imply i lied about the abuse you inflicted upon me or...?

“refriends their own ‘abuser’”

ok well one jade, you still have no actual proof ive befriended broden at all. all you have is a like on a fucking post. really how braindead is it possible to be at this point.

and regarding bailey, i never called her my abuser. you were the one to do that. you said she abused me after i showed you screenshots of what went down between us. and whats worse after i even came to you and showed you the screenshots and you got involved with that mess?? you still wanna try and say what happened was fake. like you wanna call me two-faced, yet youre so quick to change your mind once you realize that person doesnt benefit you anymore. 

also! for someone whos a survivor of abuse, you sure as hell dont realize a common thing between us survivors is literally going back to those who’ve hurt them right?? like you keep bringing this up as if im fucking lying about the whole thing when im not since again, i came to you while we were friends with the proof. i can even post them if need be. and honestly it doesnt even fucking matter anymore ive broken contact with her after shortly realizing my mistake.

“denies other ppls abuse just because they doesnt like them and a few vent discord messages means they knows literally everything abt it“

i can admit to saying i denied your abuse because there is actual proof that you werent abused two years ago, not because i dont like you. do you really just think nobody will believe proof right in front of them jade??? do you think youre some perfect princess who can do no wrong???? like jade the proof is right @deeancie, @estweri, @honeykeis-callout, and even here. you really expect me to just not believe it if i didnt hate you. you honestly need some real fucking help if thats the case jade.

and really like. if you say your bf clams up when you go to him... what else am i supposed to believe. sure i can be wrong, but reading that shit can really make you wonder what is going on between you two. and jade you wanna say that like you yourself dont do that shit. remember all the times you read vague text posts and would go on a tangent as if you knew every little thing about what was going on in my life. yeah kinda what i thought.

“says grooming minors is talking to people One time“

i love how you fail to leave out the fact that these people were minors and that youre practically defending loli. so if youre still talking to these minors and since youre still defending loli, then yes youre grooming minors into thinking loli is ok.

“straight up let a minor into their porn server on discord (they can go as rabid about this as they want but they still straight up showed an actual minor graphic porn but IM a pedophile bc i rb anime sometimes lmfao)”

again its been resolved. like ive acknowledged it was wrong of me to do and ive changed it. and how can you say you just rb anime sometimes when. you literally are reblogging this kind of fuckshit. like do you not remember reblogging that obviously naked child in a collar or what. the difference is i realized my wrong and changed it while youre still rbing actual loli.

“lied about the relationship (the one where they abused each other and she cheated on him with her other abuser???) having elements of pedophilia because they lied about her age”

this is so... ive told you i forgot. the ages. i was literally an age off for the both of us. like what else do you want me to do about this.

“has sketchy as fuck ocs, including one thats physically ten who would force their adult self insert to be naked around them and also drew them being physically beaten“

while the first was true (but i dont have that oc anymore), where in the fuck did i draw them being physically beaten lole??? are you pulling this out of your ass to deflect you yourself rbing beaten children????

and i swear to god if you bring up this comic, im going to scream.

“is a stalker and an abuser. by their own logic“

ok like. a couple of things to this. jade when are you going to get it through your thick skull i didnt give a shit if you were lurking or not, it was the fact you would comment on my every move. which is stalking by the way and incredibly creepy like get a life!

and an abuser “by my own logic”. the link you shared, again, doesnt show that anywhere. also with how badly of a hypocrite you are, thats you. you told me it was abusive to call people delusional. you started doing that once i realized my wrong and stopped. you told me it was abusive. you told me making people relapse was abusive. yet once i relapse you still didnt give a shit and somehow that makes you in the clear (though i still dont give a shit we both literally did that to ourselves the point is youre an abuser too to your own logic). you said trying to gaslight people is abusive (which it is). look at the stacks of proof i have of you gaslighting me. like i could go on but all the proof if here on this blog.

“oh and dont forget they foamed at the mouth that i didnt instantly know when they changed their pronouns but has been proven to have Actually knowingly misgendered me for weeks“

jade the fact you were lurking should make it fucking obvious you should have known my pronouns. and for weeks?? jade i misgendered you in your callout, which i immediately changed once pointed out. will you please stop lying to make yourself look victim and just tell the truth for once in your life.

“also apparently i can call them rae and its not deadnaming because its not their birthname so“

oh my god youre literally fucking braindead it hurts to watch at this point. no rae isnt my deadname. but i do prefer not going my that. the whole point of that was that you tried screaming transphobia because someone called you by a previous name you went by. you fucking dumbass.

“claims to have bpd but doesnt even know what cluster b is holy shit!!!“

what do i even say to this jade?? what does the fact i didnt know what that was at first matter to me having bpd??? also are you just gonna shrug off the fact that you first claimed you got misdiagnosed with autsim, then suddenly you do? you claimed to have bipolar disorder, then later you suddenly decide you have bpd??? kind of sketchy if you ask me!

“tries to send anons under my name but forgot that their friend levi doesnt even have me blocked so why the fuck would i go on anon if i would ‘sign’ it anyway hm“

a....... are you implying i was the one to send those....? is it because you realized once you did so it backfired?? jade for someone who wanted to claim i was the one making up conspiracies, you sure make up a lot of them.

in conclusion: jade you still are just deflecting! you still havent defended any of the shit me or my friends have called you out for! the fact you still havent admitted to them or so much as even defended the claims sure does speak a lot! stop deflecting and lying and just fucking come out about it!

so like

recently ive been thinking of . Putting out a little thing abt myself to my followers and whoever else might be reading this that actually cares about my blog or me

it’s kind of just a story about my time associating with the members of that old dirtygfconfessions blog, and. I think it’s time i genuinely told the whole story here. I guess I want to because then I can send this to people who are curious, and it just helps to get it off my chest

Warning: this post includes mentions of sensitive material.

i used to be one of the mods of the dirty gravity falls confessions blog.

we used to have a skype group chat for all of the mods of the blog. The name changed a lot

The stuff we did there are both things i did regret and things i dont regret.

i can tell you this - it was not for the fainthearted. Before i was desensitized, i remember having a panic attack when somebody sent a picture of a real, disfigured and busted open body that i really don’t want to get into the detail about. We used slurs. We made the most offensive jokes we could think of.

I had fun, mostly around the beginning. Of course, I didn’t feel welcome despite them never telling me i wasn’t.

I felt the most fond of the mod leader we called bip. I was scared of him, too, however.

There were times where i left the chat because my feelings were hurt, but i always came back.

Eventually, when gf ended and when the blog died down, we just became a general chat. They eventually made a discord server.

Then, in came some people we called roxy, blaze, lily, and other people. I’m not calling them by their newest names i’ve heard because i don’t want a lot of people going “i know who they are!” And trying to harass them.

Please don’t bother these people. I don’t even want them to know I’m talking about this. It wouldn’t matter if they did, though, but whatever. The way I refer to them is also to further protect their current identities, so please don’t bitch to me about it if you know them.

Anyway, i was fond of lily, too. I never felt close to blaze and I never will.

Roxy was. Something. By that I mean roxy was very guilt-trippy and made everyone uncomfortable despite our efforts to tell her to stop doing whatever it was that we didn’t enjoy. After a dispute that directly involved me (she was trying to antagonize me because of a fetish), we kicked her out. For some reason, the mods (especially bip) still talked to her even though they always said how shitty she was in the group chat. Bad sign already.

The stuff in between was a blur, but i remember i still went on and off of the chat because of personal issues.

At some point I did something to make blaze uncomfortable, i don’t want to say what it was but i can assure you i never did it again. Also, i barely remember it anyway.

After that, blaze did everything in their power to make me look like a bad person, argue with anything i said or thought, and get me kicked out of the chat for the most irrational reasons. I remember he “jokingly” kicked me out of the chat because i liked sausage party, and ignored me when i asked when he was going to add me back.

He started arguments with another member who, admittedly did go too far with things, but wasn’t a bad person at heart in the slightest.

Blaze went as far as to claim this person was transphobic and faked being trans, even though the person never made any claims of being trans and didnt even comment anything bad about stuff like that.

What sucked was how blaze got away with all of this, and was one of the closest people to the admin, bip.

He was manipulative as all hell, and started dating lily and tried to control her. He WAS in a relationship with somebody else named Maddie before lily. However, he cheated on her with this other person. And the whole chat blamed the person he cheated on with, instead of blaze. They kicked the person out.

I used to send lily hearts all the time because i guess I practically loved them. I was about a year or two too old, though. Maybe three. We weren’t over 18 yet, though. At some point, i was told by bip and blaze to stop sending hearts to lily bc it made them uncomfortable. I agreed not to, but I did feel like this wasn’t something lily would have other people tell me, so i felt like blaze was being controlling and possessive of lily. When i pointed this out to them, lily told me to mind my own business. Red flag.

More conflict rose between me and blaze.

I decided i wanted to just try to talk to blaze, i was as calm as i could be and i tried being really understanding, because i knew he hated me. I wanted to fix things between us, or at least stop all the arguments and shit, but he refused, telling me he didn’t want to say how he felt about me. He didn’t want to talk about any of it. So i left him alone.

I think at that point I left or something because I didn’t want to be in that chat since they were so manipulated by him.

In another light, during all of this, i did have chats with bip. And honestly, we even sent nudes and other sexual content to each other. But we only did it if bip consented. I always asked him if he wanted to send pictures or videos, and i always reassured him that if he didn’t want to, he didn’t have to. End of story.

Hell, i told the whole chat if i ever made them uncomfortable, they could tell me. I didn’t want to be the next Roxy. They never did tell me until that second to last point that i left when i did happen to make them uncomfortable by talking about a sexual attraction to a character they valued in terms of childhood, and they were angry about it. i got angry, too. (and no, it was not a problematic figure)

Later, bip and i talked again. I don’t remember why, but we did. i probably started it for some reason. He told me he got rid of blaze because the chat realized how manipulative he was. He said i could join the chat again if i wanted to. So i did.

I was scared. And i was right to be. Not only did i feel even more unwelcome, i felt humiliated. I decided to search for any mentions of me because i was so scared of what they said about me while i was gone.

It was horrible.

They deliberately sought out my blogs and made fun of my art, looked through my vent accounts and called me names because i had beliefs different from theirs, said i always made them uncomfortable, and at some point bip himself tried to word his statements as if i forced him to send pictures. he pretended he didn’t consent to it.

Bip had apologized to me for the shit they did the day i looked through those messages. I feel sick just thinking about this.

I got so upset that i left again and blocked everyone associated with it. I vowed never to return to them again. I’d rather die than have to deal with them. I always felt unwelcome and hated when i was in that chat. I always felt like the people wanted to hurt me and wanted me to die.

They did. They said i should just die.

this is a mutuals mention game! u need to mention one or more mutuals that come to your mind at first when you read the following words (per word): flower, angel, love, smile, laugh, chocolate, sweet, cute, gorgeous, fun, loud, caring 💓

!!!! omg thank u so much for sending this ive always thought these were the cutest im so glad u sent me one ily

anyways, im sorry if u didnt make it onto the list!!!! u all r lovely ppl n i love all of u its just that theres like, twelve words skjadbkw

flower: @lycheae! now, ofc for obvious reasons, one being ur name but also! u remind me of nature n pants n flowers in general? also, ure as beautiful as a flower!!!!

angel: @uwu-hwi! hatice, my mind has established a connection between u n angels n its most likely bc u r an actual angel? an angel in real life honestly ure so wonderful n rlly all things good i love u

love: @01onder! qiao i absolutely adore u n i hold so much love for u??? the majority of my very cursed being is love for u! also, i noticed u use little nicknames like love for others its rlly endearing n cute

smile: @daisydaehwi! jini, my bro, best girl, honestly i love u so much? also! i associate smile w u bc ive always thought ur smile is honestly one of the cutest things ever? if not the cutest! ure smile is beautiful! also, u never fail to make me smile!

laugh: @spiceyboye! hehehe i bet u thought i wldnt put u here ha :p anyways u make ppl all around u including me laugh a lot n honestly some of our convos r rlly hilarious thank u

chocolate: @blondshua! u remind me of chocolate n im not sure if its bc of ur brown theme or ur so very sweet personality but ure rlly as sweet as chocolate n i love u just as much, if not, more!

sweet: @00dreamgirl! sweet reminds me of u bc ure always so sweet to me? every time we interact my heart softens n my mood gets 304723 times better u honestly make me so happy thank u so much! i love u tons!

cute: @gothgf101! parker, ure honestly the cutest person in the world, how cld i ever not associate u w cuteness? impossible! everything abt u is cute!!!!!!! everytime u interact w me i have the urge to squeeze u in the biggest hug

gorgeous: @osamuluv! allen! im literally so fond of u its crazy! u have such a special place in my heart. i still havent changed my thinking from like, six or seven months ago that ure like a jewel! a gorgeous jewel that i am lucky to know

fun: @wannabl! hana, honestly ur life seems so wild i cant help but to associate u w fun! also ur personality is also rlly fun n its fun watching u interact w ppl kbdkjebw ure just a very fun person!

loud: @fallenharmony! jesseeeee i love u! i wldnt rlly say u, urself is loud but a lot of times when we hang out its always loud n fun n happy i love hanging out w u n u just make my life a much nicer life to live in

caring: @tsuzuki! granddaddy! its been a while since weve talked but i associate w caring bc u honestly r so caring n kind n nice, whenever someone wants to vent, ure always at least there for them n u offer comfort honestly ure much more nicer than u believe

again, im sorry if i didnt include u ;; also i love everyone of u all so much i hope u have an amazing day!

okay so kind of vent post but update post too bc im kind of stressing and dealing with my stress in the only way i know how: ignoring it. so first off if i’ve promised you anything and haven’t spoken about it then i’m super sorry and either im working on it or im being way too perfectionist with it and it’s actively fighting me no matter what i do. so yeah. it’ll happen.....eventually im sorry. 

second thing i want to talk about is bhaf. i’ve kind of? hit a brick wall? in writing it? like i have the entirety of usj planned, mostly all neatly organised with shiny bullet points and little sentences that i want to include. but...its just not working with me? 

(also cut bc wow this went on longer than i expected oops - also to the peeps who don’t follow me because of my writing then uhh dont worry abt this i guess lmao)

its kind of feels like convincing a toddler to settle down in bed to read them a bedtime story except the toddler got hopped up on sugar earlier in the day and literally won’t sit still even for a second. so im running about the room frantically trying to catch them and put them in bed so i can read them their story and i can go to sleep. 

i mean its sorta like that but not at all. what im saying is its being unimaginably difficult. 

its been almost three weeks since i last added to chapter 14 and its killing me with stress. because lowkey i have a fear that if i stop updating for long periods of time that i’m going to lose most all my readers. aaaand that kind of stresses me because i don’t want to mess anything up with bhaf. its the first time i’ve had more than five people following the story so yeah i’ve kind of been working hard at it. 

and when i hit a wall like this it makes me angry. because i’ve hit enough walls with projects to know that this is what makes me stop working on a project for months or rather years in my old habits (though honestly my old update schedule was one 1.5k word chapter every six months so). 

one way that i usually try to get around that road block is that i work on new projects. i take an idea i have and run with it like it’s my main project. i throw myself into it and one day when i’m planning out stuff or writing for that new project, i’ll suddenly get hit with an idea for my main and jump ships again to get back to that project. and that was the plan! i was actually going to start up a new project called ad victoriam! which im super excited about!!

but the one thing that’s kind of stopping me with this plan is the fear that i mentioned before. i don’t want to lose any interest. and i dunno, it feels like the only one that truly cares for this fic is me? even if i do get a lot of comments per chapter (like theres 20 on chapter 13 that i havent replied to yet holy--) i dunno. maybe im just way too self-deprecating to really acknowledge that others care about this fic. 

so im kind of in a bind. im so stressed by not updating bhaf, but ive hit a complete road block creatively. the only way to get past that road block is to do other creative stuff away from the road block. but the stress of keeping reader happy its sorta weighing on me and crushing any inspiration i have for another project.

um. i dont....have anything else to say. im not sure what im going to do now, but i think its safe to say that bhaf might be getting a little hiatus? at least until i can find a way to ease up all this stress. i have one other way in mind, but im still not 100% sold on yet i guess. but if i do that’d still mean the hiatus is there but i’d still be working on bhaf but not in any meaningful way? 

okay i’ll stop being vague but im basically considering rewriting the earlier chapters. nothing big, like adding in scenes or anything, but i dunno just improving the general quality and tweaking a few things i missed, smoothing out inconsistencies of any kind. its sorta meaningless but its an old habit that i used to do when i hit a brick wall with any of my projects sometimes. i’d go back and rewrite the entirety sometimes adding in a few thousand words and generally coming out of it the better since i would be rewriting stuff that was a couple years old at that point. 

but im still being hesitant to actually do that because the old projects im thinking of were all under 20k words, unpublished with maybe nine or ten chapters. all of them rushed and mostly just the barebone scraps of stories barely filled with any emotional depth or character. all of them essentially copy and pastes of each other with mild changes depending on the plot.

whereas if you compare the two? well for starters bhaf is in third person and isn’t following an oc. secondly, bhaf is published whereas my old projects were not. thirdly, i only started writing bhaf just over six months ago so even though my writing style as improved due to writing as much as i have, it hasn’t really improved enough for me to justify rewriting all 58k words of it.

so......yeah. honestly if this post makes any sense to any of you then your head is a lot less jumbled than mine is. im unintelligent and when im stressed i cant explain good. 

tdlr: reached a creative block with bhaf, so its going on hiatus for until i can get past it. not sure if im going to rewrite it or work on another project.

((ALSO FUCKING SIDE NOTE: im also incredibly pissed at myself for it hitting now when the last chapter i posted had a fucking cliffhanger, the one thing that i hate with all my being when its not resolved as soon as possible. im half tempted to post this chapter at 3k words just so that i could get rid of the hiatus at cliffhanger. im so sorry guys.))

it's theory anon,hi!!how are YOU?i'm really good rn thanks:)) thank you for your kindness again,i'm really happy i could somehow help to help you feel even a tiny bit better and hope you're doing well now,too(and it's ok to not rest on your day off but it's also ok to do so if that's what you feel is right for you atm!).about the mf(ilm), i thought the same thing, it felt like a parallel universe type of story!i also really love plotlines about friendship, (again cont.i'll try to be briefer!)

(i’m so sorry i wrote a rly long reply so i’m gonna put this under read more !!)

2. friendship is beautiful and i feel oftentimes underappreciated(but not mx!there they go again being amazing) so i love the concept. personally i like not knowing what exactly the producers were thinking because having my own interpretation of something and seeing other ppl have their own fills me with wonder,like,that's art!so many people think so many different things and no one's wrong i love it!!your thoughts about them appreciating everything they've done so far,you're absolutely right(cont) 3. i hope they are able to bc everything's so hectic for the.i get lost just looking at their official schedule,i don't know how they do it but i also hope they are aware of all these things bc those are all mindblowingly huge accomplishments in my opinion and i just want them to feel like their hard work is worth it,yknow?(is this comprehensible?)and i know they feel pressure because as you said the business is nasty but yea i hope at the end of the day they can feel like (cont.???again 4. everything they've put so much of themselves into is worth it,i love their energy and fierce determination and i just don't want them to lose it but maybe as you said feel less pressured..but then the only way would realistically be to make sure they get awarded in the Real World so we're all doing our best in the system&hating it as you said:/ they just mean so much to so many people i want them to feel that too!i try to contain myself but here i go again! sorry it's so long AND i have more(con 5. also!thank you for your big reply and sharing your thoughts i mostly just agreed with (but you're right so what else can i do),i don't have mbb friends to vent to and fanperson(is there a gender neutral term for fanboy/fangirl?) over mx with and this is really nice and fulfilling(again,if i'm boring you,you can just delete the messages and not reply!) so THANKS!it's great to strive to be a better person but i feel like one(you) should also acknowledge the good things they're already doing(cont?) 6. you showed such pure kindness and really melted someone's(my) heart and that's a Big Deal!djkghddgwe can agree that we both inspired each other :') also please i feel like you're such a wonderful soul and you really deserve every bit of gratitude and appreciation i managed to express(i feel a lot moreprobably) so!yeah!reminder that you're lovely and deserve to be appreciated and i'm also very,very happy you're here!you made my day brighter for the 2nd time now wow!thanks! i hope you and(cont.:() 7. your gorgeous heart are taking good care and enjoying your day/night! and this cb!i really like it i haven't had time to listen to the entire album but jealousy!is a bop honestly it's my type of jam and the choreo is stunning and so are their voices!iwas so skeptical about the lyrics(they could've been like hero or stuck and those made me a bit >:/ honestly) but i really should've known they wouldn't fail me in any way ever!i can't wait to hear the rest of the songs i hope you enjoy them too!bye

hi theory anon, it's nice to hear from u again ! firstly, i am so sorry for the slow reply to this ! but im rly glad to know that u are doing good :-) i'm doing ok too thank u !! how are u ? kfjjfdsjfdf sorry that u had to read my tags but thank u for saying that !! i just feel so guilty when i do nothing bc im absolutely terrified of time passing too quickly ? just the thought of letting a few minutes go to waste is overwhelming ? even though i know it's not rational to think like this but ??? theres just this constant feeling that im running out of time so i try to get rid of it by always doing smth ?? and feel bad when i dont ? idk ?? but anyway im working on it and ill be ok ! sorry..not to be dramatic and tmi and all that kjdfdj istg this blog gives me too much freedom to say...too much :( (hope the internet folks that collect metadata never read the garbage i write bc..yikes they aren't gonna hav the best time) anyway..yea. what a paragraph to start off this reply :( sorry for the honesty and saying so much all the time btw :( not that being honest is necessarily a bad thing but ! idk every time i write smth i suddenly feel extra self conscious and feel like deleting it bc im rly embarrassed and always end up having big regret later when i reread anything ive typed up !! but i just keep writing them anyway bc...idk ?? i'd rly hate it if someone got discouraged from sharing their thoughts/worries/feelings which i think is a rly important human thing :( so  yea im rly embarrassed w anything i write but i'll keep doing it anyway bc i'm all for that kind of stuff and sometimes i know its not easy and it takes someone a lot to share that and its a good thing and i dont ever want anyone to feel discouraged from doing that ! anyway i just felt like i rly needed to say all of this..but pls dont feel obliged to reply to this mess !! anyway back to mx ! you are right :( i also hope mx feel like what they've done is worth smth w/e their definition or standard of that is :( like.. all of the hard work they've put into being mx it certainly means so much to fans but i hope all the hard work they've put into being mx also means smth to them at the end of the day and they are happy w what they're doing and what they've achieved so far :( and yes we'd love mx to always be rewarded in the real world :( though we love them and we want to get them a win, i know that everyone has their commitments, means and different circumstances and we can only do so much :( but even if u think its just a small contribution, everything adds up and counts and i know that all mbb hav contributed in some way in helping them get another win for this cb ! there are some mbb who can't buy albums or streaming passes and things and i hope they don't feel bad for this :( even if all you can do is watch the mv once or twice, even if you could only vote, i hope you know that it all counts and matters !! abt mx's schedule, i get tired just by looking at their weekly one idk how they can even put up w it all ?? after this they'll hav their japanese album and things and then they'll have their concerts and on top of all that apparently [some of them are also studying] ????? they are so hardworking :( HOW do they do it !! just..thinking abt their schedule is overwhelming !!! also pls dont think that you're boring me or anything like that :( im so thankful for any msg i receive and the fact that u actually took the time to type out smth to send to me ?? im so grateful ?? u are never boring !! honestly even if u sent me a stainless steel dishwasher manual w the page length of like..23 bibles, i'd still love u for it and i'd prob read all of it :( btw thank u sm for saying all those kind things !!! receiving kindness for the 3rd time is rly !!!!!!! and once again i've done nothing to deserve it :( i dont even know what i can say to you that will ever be enough to thank u again or to top what u hav already said ! if there was like a...maslows hierarchy of kindness of smth, ur at the very top of that triangle and anything i say will never be as kind as what you have said !! for you, i can agree that we both inspired each other :-) but really thank u so much from the bottom of my heart :( i hope you know how kind and lovely u are too ! if nobody told u this today, i wanted to say that im rly grateful to know u and i'm happy that you're here !! thank u again for being so kind and thoughtful and for making me smile !! :( same, i havent properly listened to the whole album either bc ive just been letting it stream in the background (but i dont count that as a proper listen unless i listen w headphones tbh) ill give it a good listen one day ! also im a repeat 1 kind of garbage person until i feel the need to listen to a new song ?? and rn jealousy to me is a song that gets better w every listen ??? shes too powerful atm :( one day ill listen to another song but today is not that day ! Actually.....I think jealousy is my fav mx song ???? before this cb i didnt hav a fav bc i couldnt pick the song i liked most out of blue moon/blind/fighter/incomparable. i was just gonna base it off the one w the most play count out of those 4 but now i know its jealousy ! what are ur fav mx songs ?? btw i know im always saying that anything mx releases is always a masterpiece no matter what, but in all seriousness its ok if u didn't like smth they released. i don't think it makes u any less of a mbb if u didn't enjoy a certain release or if u only liked one aspect of a thing but not so much the rest of the thing. anyway not to sound so...stale and commonplace but for lack of a better word/sentence, at the end of the day your own reactions and feelings to a piece of art like music...it's all just subjective isnt it ?? not liking that thing doesnt mean that its not a masterpiece or its any less of a masterpiece to someone else either so !! it's ok !! anyway this is rly....ive written a lot and its all over the place and incoherent probably :( i'm sorry !! feel free to reply whenever u feel like it, or no pressure on never replying at all btw ! also feel free to disagree w anything i say ! thank u sm for talking to me abt mx bc ive also got no mbb friends so !!! thank you :( theres so many times where i rly want to start a conversation w someone but im too scared and also i've got no clue abt how to initiate conversation ! and the times when i do manage to...i get stuck on how to keep the conversation going ? but when i figure smth out then im coming for u @ friendship !! i hope u had a good weekend and that you got some rest and that ur doing ok wherever u are !! until next time, take care ❤️❤️❤️