i will say though that while i understand wanting morty to be rewarded just once for daring to be curious and deal with the consequences after (the best he can. even if there's very little he's able to do that will affect the grand scheme of things and it's his grandpappy doing most of the heavy lifting anyway, science-wise i mean).. i don't know how someone could watch this show and expect a simple optimist message at any point ? like finding some of rick and morty comforting doesn't mean it's an objective of it to offer comfort, i think it's been praised for the opposite even, for finding a balance between a certain melancholy and stupid fun

i have a genuine question. i promise i am not at all trying to defend him. ive dropped him entirely, literally deleted everything i had of him and unliked his songs.

ive just been wondering like considering that he has been in therapy, and also considering how if he does take a year off and then comes back, why cant it be redeemable? like cant people change? cant we give them second chances? he is 27. is he just doomed to be an abuser forever?

its just scary and im asking as like a younger person who is in my very early 20s. i know ive made mistakes. i know ive not been a good partner or friend sometimes. (and yes i was also abusive to a past partner...im not proud of it and ive learned from it. i have never ever touched anyone in that way after that. it took awhile but my current relationship isnt toxic and i would never hurt anyone or hit them again yknow?) and it scares me that people keep insinuating that he is irredeemable. like cant abusers change and become better? dont they get second chances? if shelby has grown and healed in 10 months wouldn't it be fair to say the same for wilbur?

im just genuinely asking because based on everything i believe you are older than me and im looking for guidance and just...idk im scared. growing up on the internet has made me so scared of making mistakes and doing anything wrong because when it happens to others i look up to, its always treated as something they'll never be able to change or improve. makes me feel like imma just be a horrible person forever because i made mistakes in the past.

This is a really complicated question that multiple answers can validly fit.

I don't think, personally, that anyone is irredeemable. I think everyone is on a journey of forgiveness and some of us may need more grace than others.

This is tw// abuse even more than the current topic, but my mom was incredibly abusive. We lived in a very rural area and she had a lot of undiagnosed problems and trauma of her own that created a pressure pot of issues. After I was born, she suffered through full on post-partum psychosis that nearly ended about as well as that sentence implies it could have. She was incredibly violent, controlling, and cruel for years. My sister went no-contact with her the second she turned 18. A significant event occurred that eventually spurned her into seeking real treatment that lasted for years. It's still ongoing.

My sister is also still no contact and I support her decision 100%. Those are her wounds and what she needed to do to get peace should be respected. I decided I wanted a relationship with the person who came out of all that work and, even then, it's been hard. I don't know if she's redeemed herself, and my god do we still have bumps in the road, but I support her for trying.

With Wilbur, how he responds to this is going to really impact a lot of things. I mean, I know no matter how he responds I won't be going on whatever journey of redemption and healing he has to go through. I'm tired and I feel hurt enough. I would think, if he wanted to show he was sincere, admitting what happened would be a great sense of closure for a lot of people who put time and energy and faith into this guy for years.

Not every person that causes harm is inherently evil, but there has to be some kind of knowledge that you're aware of the harm you've caused. No one is stuck as anything forever, life is constantly moving, and most people aren't saying his life is just over. You can work on yourself. You can change. And I'm saying that specifically to you, anonymous.

(Saying this, actually, there ARE people who would argue once you've done x you're beyond redemption based entirely on their life experiences as a victim, personal histories and many other factors. Kinda like my sister, that's their choice. And you have to accept that sometimes you fuck up so badly that you will permanently lose some people from your life. But your life isn't over.)

But I do think, regardless of what he says or does about this, his time of controlling a large platform is at an end. He can still do a lot of things in his life after he works on himself -- editing, song producing, directing, writing or whatever -- but being in charge of a large impressionable audience that could enable more destructive behaviors is just not it.

Trigger warning for disordered eating

You're one of the few people bold enough to call out the way disordered eating is absolutely encouraged in the industry. I am sure that many idols are naturally thin, but many female and male idols have talked frankly about not eating to the point of fainting, extremely regimented eating, being sick because of diet pills etc. This is not only condoned but encouraged in idols not yet out of teenhood. It is a part of the industry that makes us uncomfortable and maybe even defensive. I am asian and I get it, we have a different way of talking about weight in my country that I am sure might fully trigger some of my non asian friends. I also understand that not all dieting is indicative of ed. There are a lot of nuanced topics here. But I also see barely any variety in body shape of gg members. There's Hwasa who is thinner or as thin as most western stars and that's about it. She used to get shamed for it. Now she is famous for her 'unique' figure.

On another note, I wonder what will happen now that kpop is crossing over to the west where an american Hybe artist recently tweeted about feeling triggered by sugarfree froyo.

Anyway. Just wanted to say thanks for your sincerity. Criticizing the practices of kpop companies doesn't mean we don't love and support idols.

I have struggled with my weight and body image my entire life.  I know what setting yourself unattainable, unrealistic weight goals can do to your psyche.   

I sometimes look at photos of myself growing up and in my early teen years, and I say to myself how stupid I was, because I looked amazing.  I looked healthy.  I wasn’t thin, I never could be, that was my body build, but I was slim enough, a size 38-40 (I think it’s a size 10-12 US, but not sure).  But when you are growing up and all you see on TV, in magazines, on road signs, are these thin actresses and models, and that’s what is driven into you as ‘beautiful’ then that’s what you, as a young girl, will try to attain.  

So crazy diet after crazy diet (including diet pills and laxatives), you lose weight, you put on weight (more than you lost), and this becomes a vicious cycle until you manage to lose just enough weight, and then start bringing up what you ate, because you feel that is the only way to gain some kind of control over this vicious cycle.

Only thing is that you aren’t in control, it’s controlling you.  And it’s eating your body and your mind from within.  

I was one of the lucky ones.  I got out of it.  With therapy, and love and support of those around me.  I still struggle with my weight, but make healthier decisions.  I have 3 young girls and I need to set a positive & healthy example for them. 

When I see how kids have to struggle today with body image, it kills me, because they have it even worse than we did growing up.  Social media is a cesspool when it comes to setting these unattainable unrealistic bodies, half of which is photoshopped, but kids don’t understand that.

K-pop is sadly part of this game.  Both the boys and girls are put through this.  They are so skinny, it’s sometimes scary.  Some of the girls are walking skeletons, they look so unhealthy.  And then they are dressed up in either these fetishy school girl costumes or fetishy over sexualized costumes... I have a lot to say about that too (and have in the past).

Now I know that body build is different in different parts of the world, and SK are mostly of narrower and smaller body build, but I don’t believe that the way the look is ‘normal’ anywhere.  Where I come from they would be called out as looking anorexic - and that’s when the camera ‘puts on’ around 2.5 kg.  I’m afraid to see how they look in real life. 

I also understand that the ideal of ‘beauty’ is different in SK than it is in the US or in Australia or Germany or Italy or Saudi Arabia.  Our cultures are different, I get that, but I still don’t think we need to sit quietly and accept any culture that sets unrealistic, unhealthy beauty ideals.  

That’s what was done in the Western fashion world - a fight to stop using 0 size models as ideals for the young girls, and it is working, slowly but surely.  We see more voluptuous, ‘real’ women.  Still thin, but not anorexic thin.  Put Kate Moss opposite Bar Refaeli, for example.  We are also seeing more plus size models (and when I say plus size that’s a size 12-14).

I have seen a couple of expose’s about the industry, and came out on the other side shocked and angry.  Because, beyond the health of these young people, the example and bar set for the young fans is unhealthy, unattainable and dangerous.

But you know, it’s not only K-pop culture that is a problem here.  I can’t criticize K-pop and turn a blind eye towards Hollywood and it’s ‘beauty culture’.  Over thin, plastic (crazy amount of plastic surgery), fake looking.  Actresses like Julia Roberts, Angelina Jolie only a couple of examples of stunning women that as they grew older felt a need to lose even more weight, even though they were already thin and gorgeous, and now look sickly thin, and they are not alone.

I could go on for hours here, but I will stop.  There is enough to say to write a book...

Talking about Hybe, Demi Lovato, now under Hybe label, is an artist that has struggled with an eating disorder and has spoken freely about her struggles.

***SPOILER ALERT***

This is a short Fruits Basket fanfiction that I've been working on. It takes place shortly after the group returns from the beachhouse. This is my very first time writing fanfiction so please be kind. I'm always open to constructive criticism/suggestions to improve my writing. It's a work in progress so new chapters be released asap.Hope you all enjoy what I've written ❤.

Summary

While Shigure is away for the weekend, Kyou sees the time alone as the perfect opportunity to confess his true feelings to Tohru. Sadly, his plans are quickly extinguished by a group of uninvited guests.

Chapter one: "I Need to. Talk to You"

It was a crisp, Autumn night. The moments they shared at the beachhouse were now precious memories. It was time to put Summer behind them and focus on what's ahead.

Shigure was gone for the weekend at a writers convention, leaving the teenagers home alone. It was the first time they were entrusted to be left alone for more than a few hours and they didn't want to screw it up.

Yuki was looking forward to some quiet time where he could focus on his school work, student counsel priorities and prepare for his upcoming exams. Tohru, of course, was still adamant about getting housework done.

And Kyou....well Kyou wanted nothing more than for that damn rat to disappear for the weekend with Shigure so he could really enjoy this time with Tohru... but the current circumstances would have to do.

"I'll be upstairs if you need me Ms. Honda." Yuki smiled, but quickly changed his tone after glancing at Kyou "Don't do anything reckless, stupid cat."

The nerve of this guy!

"Grrr.... SHUT UP YOU DAMN RAT! WHAT I DO IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" Kyou shouted. He knew that Yuki was just trying to screw with his head, but he wouldn't let him ruin this.

Not tonight. Not this moment.

This was the first time Kyou had been alone with Tohru since the beach house. The first time he'd been alone with her since he finally admitted to himself that he loved her.

He loved her... he loved her so much.

It was so easy for him to say that in his head. It was so clear to him now. Why had it taken him so long to come to that realization? Why had he not figured it out sooner?

There was so much time that he wasted trying to pretend as though he felt indifferent. Hell, it took him months to admit that he even considered her a friend. How long had he felt this way? How long had he longed to pull her in close.... how long had he wanted to hold her in his arms and never let go? How long had he wanted to feel her soft, rosy lips against his?

Kyou's heart began to race as thoughts of their first embrace played out in his head. He felt his palms begin to sweat. He knew something about this moment felt different. Almost like something big was about to happen. That thought scared the crap out of him.

"Kyou? You okay? You don't look too good.." Tohru asked.

"Huh?...Oh uh....no! I mean..... Yes...." Kyou felt himself start to panic. What the hell was he doing? This is Tohru. The girl he's grown so comfortable sharing everything with... The girl who saw his true form. The girl who accepted him at his ugliest and most terrifying.... Why is he suddenly unable to speak to her without sounding like a complete idiot?

He knew why... he knew that this moment was different. She was no longer just his warm hearted friend that was easy to talk to or a kind soul that he could vent his problems to...

No... she was so much more than that now. He now felt the overwhelming feelings of desire. The desire to make her his forever and to never leave her side. The desire to hold her in his arms and drown her in his affection.

The thought of it made his ears feel hot and brought redness to his face, but also an unsettling feeling in the pit of his stomach, like he may throw up if he uttered a single syllable.

"Okay, well... as long as you're sure" Tohru hesitated. "I'm just gonna start dinner, okay?"

Say something, idiot!

"L…let me help. "Kyou finally released a coherent sentence.

Tohru's face lit up. "That would be wonderful!" She exclaimed.

Damn it.... why does she have to be so cute.

He always thought Tohru was cute of course. That day she discovered their secret, he remembered thinking those thoughts. Her cuteness was obvious. Anyone with half a brain could see that.

But now... now he saw her as a woman. He noticed every small detail about her. The smell of her strawberry scented hair. The way her hair flowed as she flipped it away from her face. The adorable crinkle in her nose when she thought something was really funny. The melodic sound of her voice when she said his name. The warmth of her brown eyes as she listened with sincerity. The sway of her hips as she walked...

Stop! Stop it you pervert!

Kyou hated having those thoughts about her. The thoughts that extended beyond her cuteness. The thoughts that made him desire her in a way that he's never wanted any girl.

It felt wrong. It felt wrong because Tohru was so pure and innocent. He didn't want to taint the image of such a perfect person.

But he couldn't help it. He wanted her. He wanted all of her. All to himself.

That must be what love is. Kyou had never fallen in love before, not like this. Only love that was shared between a parent and their child or a platonic love that you have for your friends.

Okay, snap out of it or Tohru will worry.

Kyou began helping Tohru in the kitchen by chopping vegetables. His hands shook dramatically as he worked but he did his best to control himself. He tried to use the breathing techniques that his Master had taught him over the years.

Tonight needs to be the night. She needs to know how I'm feeling.

Kyou was beginning to suspect that Tohru possibly shared some of the same feelings he had for her. He noticed the way she looked at him sometimes and how bashful she became when they accidentally touched or how flustered she would get after he teased her.

I need to know. Honestly, what do I have to lose?

Kyou looked over at Tohru. The steam from the pot of stew she was making left a thin layer of sweat on her face. He could not help but stare and admire the beautiful features of her face. Even drenched in sweat, she was perfect.

“Kyou? Are you sure you're okay?” Tohru questioned, looking even more concerned than she did earlier. “You look like you're about to pass out. Are you feeling under the weather?”

As she said that, Tohru placed a hand on Kyou's forehead. It sent a shiver down his spine. Even just a hand to his forehead was enough to weaken his resolve.

“I said I’m fine….quit your worrying, okay?” Kyou smiled and grabbed Tohru’s hand as he removed it from his forehead.

Instead of immediately letting her hand go, he hesitated. He looked down at her soft, petite hands and smiled.

“You really do worry too much.” He said as he finally released her hand, hoping she didn't notice him shaking

“Okay. Well in that case, thank you for helping me tonight. It's always more fun when I get to cook with you.” She beamed.

I can't take this anymore! This is torture! I need to. .. No! It's too soon….

“Of course, dummy. What else would I be doing?” Kyou joked as he playfully bonked her on the head with a closed fist.

Kyou finished helping Tohru with dinner. They ate together with Yuki and mostly exchanged small talk that involved asking each other how their day went and sharing things that had been happening at school. Kyou was secretly begging for Yuki to leave so he could be alone with Tohru.

But how would I even start? Where do I begin? Do I just tell her in the kitchen or do I take her somewhere romantic? What if rat boy heard? Ugh! This is so confusing….

Kyou sat there, mostly silent as he contemplated how he was going to tell her.

“Are you all done, Kyou?” Tohru asked

“Uh…um…oh yeah, sorry. Here, I'll clean up.” He responded

“Thank you so much, but I don't mind helping" Tohru said as she stood up.

Before she could walk into the kitchen, Kyou extended his arm out to stop her. He was unable to make eye contact so instead he looked at the floor as he spoke.

“Tohru…I…I need to talk to you…about something important. I was thinking. . Would it be okay for us to go and talk on the roof. You know…so we're alone? Kyou’s voice shook as he finally gathered the courage.

Tohru’s eyes widened. He could immediately tell she was surprised by his request. They’ve had conversations up on the roof before, but never any that were planned. Kyou wondered if she knew what he wanted to say.

“Of course! Let me just go and grab a sweater. You should grab one too, Kyou! It's a little chilly out tonight.”Tohru replied with a glimmer in her eyes.

Kyou suddenly felt a flutter in his chest

This is it…this is my chance!

Kyou finished cleaning up as quickly as he could. He ran to his bedroom, grabbed a warm sweater and sprayed just the smallest splash of cologne on his neck.

His heart was pounding.

He met Tohru downstairs. She was wearing an adorable pink fluffy sweater that he wanted to fall into.

Kyou smirked as his nose quickly filled with the aroma of perfume, which he knew wasn't there earlier. His confidence grew even more knowing that she was putting in the effort the way he had.

“Shall we?” Kyou asked as he extended his arm for her to hold so he could escort her outside.

Tohru giggled as she grabbed his arm “Yes, let's go.“

As they approached the front of the house,  they were suddenly startled by a loud knock at the door.

Who could that be? And at this hour?

As Kyo opened the door, his heart immediately sank.

“Yo.” A deep voice exclaimed. Despite it being so dark, Kyou immediately knew it was the voice of Hatsuharu. At the door stood Hatsuharu, Momiji, Kagura, Arisa, and Saki. They all carried small overnight bags.

“What the hell are you all doing here?! Do you not realize how late it is?!” Kyo growled. 

“We’re here to party!” Momiji shouted as he jumped up and down. Momiji grabbed Tohru by the hands. “We’re going to have so much fun this weekend, Tohru! We’ll dance and start a campfire and roast marshmallows and...ooooo maybe even watch a scary movie! This is going to be so much fun!”

Yuki came down the stairs quickly after hearing all the commotion. “What's going on?” he asked.

“We heard you guys were going to be lonely all weekend so we came to keep you company.” Said Hatsuharu with a blank stare on his face.

ALONE…. WE WERE GOING TO BE ALONE… YOU MORON!

Kyou looked at Tohru. He wondered if she could see the disappointment painted all over his face. Tohru looked back at Kyou with a big goofy smile and squeezed his arm.

She unlocked arms with Kyou and began to greet all her friends.

"Welcome everyone!" She exclaimed as she helped them with their things. 

Yo Gorilla Greg, I just wanna let you know that I appreciate what you're trying to do with your video content. Not that what other Youtubers do doesn't count or is somehow lesser but youre trying to do something different than what the Youtube Meta supports. If your sole-goal was to get big on Youtube, maybe youd be able to do that, maybe you wouldnt but you want to get big just to make more stuff, not to get big just to be big. Its frustrating that its not working out, but big isnt the end goal

The issue with the way Youtube works now is really interesting in a lot of ways, and it speaks to the broader subject of the profit motive. When I say “most top Youtubers these days are total losers”, I’m being as blunt as possible, and it doesn’t mean I feel that way about all Youtubers. That’s also not to say I lack sympathy or respect..But imagine you work at a fast food restaurant as a cashier, and then one day McDonald’s says to you, “Hey, we’re starting a revenue share program, and from now on we’ll pay you a percent of McDonald’s profits to run the register.” Now, you’re not really doing anything significant, and your work doesn’t demonstrate any high skill or real value. You could be replaced tomorrow, but for some reason the company is paying you these massive dividends and they’re acting like you’re very important. You still don’t get to make any decisions, and really you’re just an incidental part of the system, but regardless, you’re making a fortune..So, this can’t last forever. It makes no sense. If Youtube were to get truly ruthless, they’d hire people at a minimum wage salary to do Youtube vlogs that Youtube controls, and then they’d promote their wage slaves to the top of the site. The way they’re set up they really don’t need to be fair with these people, and it really feels like it would just be a matter of diverting traffic. I mean what would they lose? “Man Who Shrieks at Video Games”? “Woman Who Uses Camera”? In reality, most of their top ad revenue is being generated by major brands like VEVO, and there’s a definite feeling that Youtube is drifting further and further away from the “user-made” side of content..But if you’re making just tons of money as a cashier at McDonald’s, even if it’s inexplicable and you know it can’t last, is it better to ride it out while that deal is there? I actually met one of the guys behind a huge reaction channel way back when he first got started. He was introduced to me by the network I was with - he might have been a fan because one of his first reactions was a MLP video. A collab was proposed, but I wasn’t sure what we could do together because we were really approaching the site at different angles. He was a nice guy, but he was making a LOT of content, and I wasn’t sure how I’d fit into his schedule, and other than VA work I wasn’t sure what I could with him..At the time, I remember commenting that the type of “reactions” he was doing were illegal, and that it wouldn’t last because sooner or later someone was going to get on his case. Fast forward maybe half a decade, and that guy is still going. Not only that, but he’s made an absolute fortune on Youtube. He was getting over half a million views per video, and he was posting multiple videos a day. My network managers let it slip during a talk that the guy was making an obscenity in ad revenue. Granted, by now that viewership has declined to about 20k views a day..But here’s the catch: suppose that guy invested the money he earned the years he was being paid six figures to steal copyrighted content for Youtube. He could open a restaurant, invest into stocks - whatever. Once you’re rolling in money, there are a lot of options to make more money, and Youtube’s survival, the health of his channel, it’s all completely irrelevant by now. Same goes for Pewdiepie and all the other top Youtubers. So they don’t have acting or production skills? So what! They’re already set for life, they can use their post success to invest in real estate!.So in the end, was he wrong? A lot of people would argue no. His channel content wasn’t ethical. It wasn’t healthy for the website. He and users like him stole promotion away from the artists who actually made the content he was “reacting” to so he may have been actively harming those artists. But there was never a comeuppance. The grasshopper bought a Ferrari and moved to the southern coast while the ant died in the winter! That’s not good, but if you wanted to run a business on Youtube, obviously that was the type of business they were growing and supporting. Wouldn’t you rather be the grasshopper?.And it’s not only that, but when big Youtubers demonstrate a willingness to learn and grow, Youtube demonstrated the futility of doing so. Take Markiplier, for instance - a guy who I think is way too smart to be this big on Youtube. I’ve seen him talk about taking improv classes and trying to develop professional skills that a person might need in the craft of entertainment. He sometimes hires artists to improve his videos. He’s done animations with Cranbersher, a really great stop-motion guy who’s done freelance across the site. It strikes me that Markiplier wants to value himself, and to say he has abilities that people outside of Youtube would respect. Not intangible abilities like “charisma” or “diction”, or whatever many Youtubers use to explain their success, but practiced abilities..But when he does pay for those animations, or when he does go above and beyond, there’s no difference to his viewership. The bots that promote his videos are not capable of making qualitative judgement. The bots see that his videos have high audience retention and good watch minutes, just like every video, so those videos where he over-achieves receive the same promotion. Even when a Youtuber shows a readiness and desire to improve and make better content, whether you’re on the top or bottom, there’s no reward for it..The reason I feel like a lot of top Youtubers are losers is because a lot of them don’t know why they’re successful, but they’re desperate for the success anyway. They got big because they wanted attention at any cost. It’s the same content every day, at the same level, and they never get tired of it because it’s not about the content for them. It’s about being paid attention. More than anything, all they want is the personal validation of a crowd. And in my opinion, those guys are a bit sad. They’re sad people, pathetic people - and when they hit that existential snag, when they see their viewership stutter and they suddenly have to wonder about the system and why they’re big - those guys often implode. They stack their entire self worth on their quantity of viewers and a lot of them aren’t willing to face a reality where that entire self-worth is cheap and artificial..So at the end of the day, that leads to the question. If there’s no reward for working hard and seriously creating, why do it? The reason is because I believe that if people don’t create, and people don’t do things honestly, then everything will collapse. If nobody made the works that “reaction” channels leech from, there’d be no content to react to. There’d be no Youtube. How are you going to “review” movies if nobody makes movies? What will people vlog about if there’s no pop sensations to prop the vlogs up? Real creations and real work may not be the fastest nor easiest way to succeed, but they are the spine that holds the system up..This holds true not just for art, but also business, politics, school, and everything. Without those people working hard in sincerity, everything fails. There is no innate value in a quick buck. The value of a dollar is maintained and produced entirely by actual workers. Real work is hard. Real work can fail. Real work is a process and a risk. Even trying to do it, you may not always do it well, you may not always do it right, but for the benefit of everyone, it needs to be at least attempted..I cannot guarantee or promise that I’ll make it. I may not do my work well enough. But if all goes how I like, I will not merely be a vlogger. I will be the guy being vlogged about. I will be the person whose work is stolen to prop up a reaction channel. I will be an element of the spine. Or at the least I’ll be one of those weird, useless, vestigial bones that’s really trying its best. I’ll be some kind of bone, dammit.

A Thousand Lifetimes

Rating--M++ for language and themes

If you recognize it--IT AIN'T MINE

Sorry for OOC-ness

Chapter 6

Wolf

As I awoke the next morning, I could not help the happy feeling that pervaded everything. After the craziness of getting the kids around to go with their father for his weekend, I sat down to meditate before I cleaned my house.

I wafted the cedar and sage smoke over myself, clearing the air and myself of all negative energy. I sat there for almost an hour before whispering, 'Morning, Sweets.' Then, I got up and went to grab a shower.

I could feel eyes on me.

'Hello, Darlin'. How was your day?'

'Fuckin' crazy,' came the reply. 'So far, it has been a mad house and we aren't even at the show yet. I will let you know when we finish up; cool?'

'Ok, Haka. Talk to you then,' I whispered to him.

His spirit seemed to sag against me for a moment before he whispered, 'I love you, Ghost. Remember that,' he sent as he caressed my face. 'Always have, always will. The distance and these crazy schedules could never change that.'

'Sweets, you know I love you. You also know, you don't need to tell me, I already know. I know you need me to be steady when your schedule is crazy like this; to be the one constant point in all the crazy.'

I could almost feel him nod on my shoulder, before the feeling of being enfolded into his strong arms came over me. There was peace and contentment in that space.

Kihyun

The show that night was crazy! All the amazingly pretty girls, and the only one on my mind was half a world away. Sometimes this connection sucks. I feel so alone sometimes. But tonight, there is excitement, adoration, and pride coming from our thread. I could not help the smile as we left the venue.

There was a girl that was right by stage left. I am pretty sure she tried to flash me a few times, but, as per normal, all I could think about was her.

Then, I caught up with the conversation going with the boys.

"Did you see her rack? Good Lord," Honey giggled.

"I know. Those were huge," chuckled HyungWon. "Death by tittie"

"Where was I," I asked, oblivious.

Min replied, "You were on the other side. You didn't see the size of those cocomelons."

"Those things were big enough to have their own post codes," Changkyun laughed.

HyunWoo grinned, then suddenly jumped and grabbed his ear. "Ow." He looked at me. "Control your woman; think she just flicked my ear."

Suddenly the words, "Diving Swan," were whispered on my cheek.

I grinned. "I'm sorry, Ducking Swan. I'm too far away to control that."

"Oh, God. Don't call me that. Who told you that name? And it's Diving, not ducking."

"What were you thinking of to make her mad, anyway?"

"Suffocating in tatas," he chuckled. "It'd be a lovely way to go."

"Wonder how many words there are for breasts, in the world," Changkyun mumbled.

Honey laughed, "Almost as many as folks who dream of dying in them."

Four hands shot up.

"Yes, Please," Min laughed.

"I'm game," HuyngWon grinned.

It was all I could do to laugh.

Min smiled at me, "We all know, you are in lurve."

Honey smacked Min's arm, "Don't talk about our sister like that, Moron."

"I'm in lurve," chuckled Swan.

"You are not," I laughed. "That's those microwaved burritos you insisted on eating. Nasty things. What you are feeling is decidedly further south."

Changkyun giggled, "And could probably be cured with some Pepto."

We all lost it laughing.

We got back and all split off to go wind down in our own ways. I started to meditate, I tapped our thread. I tried several times to get her attention that way.

She was working again.

As I settled in, I decided to try something else. I saw her working at the sink, her dress showing off those broad but feminine shoulders and her delicious back. I wanted, so much, to pin her to the counter and have my way with her. However, I opted for a more seductive approach. I gently caressed my knuckles up her spine, beginning just where her dress stopped and ending where her spine and neck met.

She shivered.

"Good night," She asked.

'Hmm,' I agreed. 'Would be much better if I were home.'

'Or if I were there," She whispered.

'If you were here, I would be getting told to quiet down already. It would be my goal that everyone on the block knew who's cock was deep inside you, touching all the right spots.'

'You are such a fuckin' tease, Haka.'

'It's only teasing til I get home. After that, it's a guarantee.'

'Go shower. Raincheck,' she sighed.

I knew what she meant. I had smelled it on her a week prior. She smelled like tasty, delicious things that I just wanted to eat up.

'Raincheck,' I agreed, as I dropped my head to her shoulder, then held her for a moment.

I went to my room and piled up my pillows to read for a bit.

Post-Christmas 2019

Bryn PoV

At midnight, the phone rang. I picked it up expecting a normal call but found my little brothers face smiling at me.

"Sissie! How was your Christmas!? Sorry. Schedule was crazy."

"All good. Don't worry about mine. How was yours," I asked.

Although I was tickled to talk to him, I knew that sooner or later, he would find out; that he would be able to pull the truth out of me and it would kill me all over again.

"What did you get this year?"

I sighed. "Don't worry about what I got. What did you get?"

He looked at me for a minute and then smiled sadly. "I got an amazing pair of handmade convertible mittens from my awesome big sister," he said softly. "Bryn," He started," What did you get?"

"Don't worry about what I got," I replied.

Joey's eyes narrowed as he looked at me for a solid minute before he spoke. "He didn't get you anything, did he?"

"Joey," I sighed while looking away.

"I'm only gonna ask this one last time. What did you get," he asked again, his dark eyes boring into mine.

I sighed and looked away so I didn't have to see the disappointment on his face. "A sweater I made and some pencils I bought."

He groaned and leaned forwards on his elbow, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Don't lose your temper, Joey."

"I won't," He said. as he sat back. "He isn't worth it. But, dammit you deserve better than that. I won't yell or scream, but he did piss me off. Sis," He started, then shook his head as he collected his thoughts, "He refused to get your teeth fixed until it almost killed you. I'm just upset that he doesn't seem to care. You deserve better."

Just then, I.M. popped up behind him. "Hi!"

"Heya, Kiddo," I replied as he glared at I.M.

I.M. smiled and took a deep breath, then held his nose and acted like he was going under water.

"What was that all about," I asked.

Joey PoV

"I don't know. I don't think I want to know," I answered as I held my hands in my lap, picking at those gloves. "Sis, you really need to leave." I hoped the sincerity I felt could be seen. It bothers me that she does so much and never gets any thanks for it. I mean, I wish she would have left last year, when she was sick and his friends were more important than taking care of his sick wife.

After a moment, she replied, while running her hands over her short chestnut brown hair, "And where would I go? You know I have the shop and the boys have all their services set up here already! Do you have any idea how hard it is to up and run with not one but two kids with special needs," she yelled as hazel eyes caught fire and seemed to burn.

"I don't know," I said, trying to keep my voice soft, "But I know that staying there isn't good for you. You deserve so much better. The longer you stay, the more the memories cut. Then, the more hurt and disappointed you feel. And the more disillusioned you are, the more empty you feel."

It was at that split second that she looked at me and I could see how hollow she looked. Like the fire that kept her going was suddenly extinguished. I felt myself start to choke up. It was like watching the strongest person you know, die a little.

"I'm sorry, Sis. I will talk more later," I said as I felt the tightness in my chest. It wasn't just the anger at his treatment of her, but her defense of staying. It was watching the assbag slowly killing my strong, brilliant, big sister by a million papercuts and being powerless to stop it.

"Later, Joey. Love you."

"You too, Sis," I sighed as I hung up.

I walked out onto the terrace of our dorm, sliding into my coat as I went, and sat in the only chair that was obscured from view. I sat there trying to get a handle on how I felt when a hand closed over my shoulder. I looked up behind me to see Minhyuk there and moving around to pull up a chair.

"Everything ok?"

It was all I could do to shake my head.

"Tell me," He prodded.

Sitting there, I tried so hard to hang on to my temper, before yelling, "That fuckin' rat bastard forgot her again!"

He pulled back a little as his eyes got wide. "Wow. Tell me how ya really feel."

I was soo beyond mad that I stood up and punched a wall, bloodying my knuckles on the brickwork. But before I could hit it again, Hoseok, who just happened to be visiting, grabbed my arm.

"Whoa. What is the matter? What did the wall do?"

"The wall didn't DO anything but it was there when I lost my temper."

Suddenly, Kihyun was behind me dragging/pushing me inside, while yelling at HyunWoo for help.

"We need to get your knuckles cleaned up and bandaged before they get infected. What the hell possessed you to coldcock a brick wall, anyway," Kihyun went off, all while glaring at me in between pouring the peroxide over the back of my hand. "You could have broken your hand. And then you may have gotten dropped! God knows they are looking for any fucking reason this year."

"The douche left her high and dry on Christmas, KiKi. Completely fuckin' forgot about her," I growled, in English, from behind HyunWoo, who was holding my arm steady over the sink.

He suddenly stopped pouring as his head snapped up at me. "You're kidding?"

I shook my head, "Wish I was."

His eyes seemed to suddenly burn with anger. Before anyone could stop him, he dropped the peroxide bottle in the sink and took of at a dead run out the door. He didn't bother telling anyone where he was going. Hoseok found him 3 hours later, sound asleep and still sweaty, collapsed by the heavy bag in the weight room.

Kihyun

I was so mad, I didn't even know where I was going until I walked into a heavy bag. Then, for the next hour, I proceeded to beat the hell out of it, stopping intermittently to scream profanity at said bag. As all the rage burned out, I collapsed to my knees. I could feel how hurt she was. But in that moment, a wave of exhaustion washed over me and I let it take me.

I was suddenly in an art gallery. The whole exhibit was eyes. They looked familiar. It dawned on me then, that all these eyes were mine. They had been hand drawn, on parchment with ink, on canvas with paint, and on card in graphite. I walked over to the woman in the crowd and instantly recognized her. There she was. The woman in all of my dreams. Her long, chestnut waves, heavy and thick, fell around her face and over her shoulders, only to continue down her back until they almost touched her ass.

I cupped her cheek and moved in to kiss her when I heard her voice behind me.

"Wow. I forgot how pretty I was at 17."

I jumped back. "17," I yelled before turning around."

My Ghost, with her short buzz-cut with sparkles stood there, looking at the construct of her younger self. She sighed, "Yep. Back before I traded looks for brains," and then shuffled over to a barstool in the corner. "The older I get, the more impatient I get. The more impatient I get, the more cynical I get. Then, the more I wish I was still her," again she sighs as her shoulders slump and she sits with her head in her hands. A soft sob escaped her lips before she continued, "Maybe then, I could just stop. Stop seeing you everywhere. Stop dreaming of your eyes. Stop seeing them in my coffee. Stop feeling them on my back," she sighed as tears tracked down her cheeks. "But the shitty part is; if I stop dreaming of you, they win. The demons win, cause then I will have nothing left. You have always been the one the others were judged against. You were my anchor, my lighthouse; the beacon leading me home. The one person in the world who can handle me when my temper gets the better of me. The only one who can keep me together when I fall apart.,"

Then the pictures changed.

"And there are all my mistakes," She whispered as she walked past me, to a table in the middle of the room. On said table, there were several bottles of alcohol and a sack of smoke. "Yep. ALL of my mistakes, every single one lied and said they were you. So, I found a way to cope,' she said as she turned to walk away.

"Wait," I yelled as I grabbed her arm, sliding my hand down to her wrist.

"Haka, you are everything I could have wished for, did wish for. But, I am no good. I am too broken for an angel like you. Too beat up for a king."

"Too beat up? Too broken? Wolf, you don't understand. I will NEVER give you up. I will NEVER give up on you. Trust me when I tell you this, Baby. I love you. I will ALWAYS fight for you. Even if I am fighting you for you," I said as I pulled her into me. It tore me apart to see the tears in her pretty eyes. Did she know how those eyes had haunted me, tortured me. "Hear this now, Wolf," I said as I cupped her cheek and tipped her face to look at me. "I will find you. I promise you that. Just please, please, don't give up on me. I know it's hard to walk by faith when you are losing hope. But, Mami, please, PLEASE don't give up on me. I know, I have been the worst kind of asshole, making you wait, but I can promise you that I will happily spend my life making up for it," I said as I held her close, the top of her head just under my eyes.

It hit me then, that she fit perfectly in my arms. "And anyway, Baby, you were made for me."

She chuckled, "Nah, Babe, I think you have that a little backwards."

"Semantics," I whispered as I hugged her tight and buried my nose in her hair, filling myself up with her smell. "Never forget that I love you; heart and soul. You light me up in ways no woman ever has. And if you need me to be your lighthouse, your beacon; then I will gladly do just that. But, don't give up on me. Please don't give up on me. I love you, Wolf."

"Love you more, Haka."

I woke up in my own bed with HyunWoo looking at me like I was dying.

"What happened," I growled.

"You had us worried. It took us three hours to find you. Honey thought you were on a plane."

"I wish I was. Now really, what happened? The last thing I remember, other than dreaming of my Queen, was Honey saying something about," I trailed off. It hit me what had happened. He told me that she had been neglected again, and I saw red. "Nevermind. Go get Honey."

He settled himself on the edge of my bed in less than two minutes. "Well, hi there. Have a nice nap?"

"Shut up, cheese weasel," I growled. My eyes were closed, fighting both the migraine and the memories.

"Would a cheese weasel remember to bring you two aspirin and a water? Answer, no. I already talked to Sis. Somehow she got it in her head that you are better off without her. Wanna tell me how that happened."

"No," I groused as I took the aspirin.

"Too bad. Tell me anyway."

I explained the whole thing to him, before letting him see.

"Uhhh. You do realize that there was one very large unfinished portrait, right. It looked like an ungodly mish-mash of styles, more or less. It cleared up by the end. Do you know what that means? Also, do you know who or what she meant by 'demons'?"

I shook my head, and instantly regretted it, "Not sure about the portrait. To be honest, I didn't even see it. But, the demon is her mother and all of her venom and toxicity."

He sighed, "Means she only sees herself clearly through your eyes. Did you know that she knows where you are because you shine this bright light."

"I told her I would always be the beacon guiding her home."

"Dude...Only gonna say this one time. Get my Sister the hell outta there."

I turned the page, only to find the chapter finished. Sitting on my bed, I thought about what she had written. It was nearing midnight, and I thought about pulling out the next chapter.

But before I could, I felt her through whatever our connection is.

She kissed my cheek, softly, and whispered, 'You should be in bed, my love.'

In that instant, I would have given anything to be able to cuddle up with her for a bit. I could almost smell her skin on my pillow. It hurt to know that she was so far away.

A part of me worried that she hadn't taken breaks while writing, I know how she gets. If she is working on something, it has most of her focus. She forgets to eat and get the boys on their homework.

A/N--Edited. Dates are off vs. original work.