#they sound real but im making them up
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(Happy Halloween everyone!! Been a little while but I'm doing swell...! Depression ain't got nothing on me! Is that a double negative? Anyway, as a treat with no tricks, have a fanfiction written for my stunning girlfriend @queenticklusselena. She's the best and deserves the best.)
Guitar Lessons
"Tatiaaaanaaaa!"
Tatiana gasped, being brought out from the mountains of paper work. She didn't realize when the sunset melted into her windows how late it was. With the glimmer of the sun struggling to stay light while it disappears beyond the tall buildings of the city, Tatiana knew she worked more than five hours lost in letters and numbers. Nonetheless, with a shake of her head and a sip from her now cold coffee, she looked over to a screen, showing who was outside her office.
There stood Mayday, beaming into the camera like it had asked her to say cheese. Her big eyes and flashy grin showed she was ecstatic for something. Tatiana pressed a button and spoke.
"Mayday, what brings you here?"
"Uuh guitar lessons!? Zuke is out today and I called this morning! Remember? I wanna learn from the ultimate legend Kuul Fyra!!"
With little rummaging in her head, Tatiana found the memory and sighed. How could she forget? Well, a break maybe could be needed. After all, she wouldn't want to fall short of steam when she was so close to being done with managing the power of the whole city. She pressed another button, initiating a click of a lock.
Mayday burst in like the remaining sunlight, whooping and jumping. "Yes yes yes yes! Oooh man I cant wait to learn from your BEST songs!! Like like Green Thumbs, Fire Tongues! Flash Like A Sun and You're Already A Star! Or or or!"
She pulled up a record mid breath intake, it showing Tatiana's younger self with her famous guitar, the flames of hell behind her licking all over the cover.
"Life Can Be Hell, Thank God! That one is LE-GEN-DAR-Y!!"
"Alright alright take a breath," Tatiana giggled. She admitted it was adorable to see her to excited. It reminded her of herself right before a show. Nervous jitters, shaky knees and fingers, heart about to tear from her chest… but more than anything, ready to take the world on by storm. She would never diminish this feeling from such a young and talented artist.
With Mayday finally caught up with her lungs, Tatiana went to a closet and pulled out a purple guitar. It has a triangle shape at the end, silver strings, lavender flames and what looked like rubies lining the edge. Mayday gasped in with a squeak.
"The guitar from your second release…!"
"Mmhmm. Jasmine. Been with me since the beginning."
Tatiana rubbed the body of her guitar before taunting the strings. Still beautiful as ever. Felt so right in her hands, what made her go into music in the first place. "Shall we?"
"YES!! I kept on holding my breath on every minute because I thought my breath was slowing down time!!"
Laughing, Tatiana put herself on her chair as Mayday plopped herself on the desk, knocking over papers. A sigh escaped, but at least that would be the least troubling thing to happen today. Or… she thought.
During their lessons, Mayday kept on taking the spotlight, did little pranks like glitter bombing the guitar case, being a little butt the whole afternoon. The girl must still have all sorts of energy from waiting endlessly. … Poor girl. She has to get those out somehow, right?
After another glitter bomb and a fourth helping of laughter from Mayday, Tatiana forced one with her and put her guitar on the table and wiped herself off.
"Let's take a break, shall we?"
"Yeah, if you want!"
Mayday followed suit, leaning on the desk and dropping the guitar on it. Tatiana shook her head and picked up the guitar again.
"We'll take a break from playing, but you need to work on your posture."
"My posture? I'm not some frou frou…!"
"No," Tatiana agreed. "But posture is very important. Take it from… er… well from Kuul Fyra."
Mayday had been a fan since she had her first song out. If anything, Mayday wouldn't trade this moment for any amount of money or burgers. Then again, she COULD just use the money to get burgers and technically she would have both BUT she still wouldn't give that up.
"Okay yeah yeah! Posture!"
"Now," the white woman began. "Set apart your feet so they match where your shoulders are. This creates a permanent stability."
Mayday did as she was told, looking at her shoulders and then feet to see if they were perpendicular, then nodded.
"Got it!"
"Place the strap on the opposing shoulder of your dominant hand."
"Psssh old school, I know that…!"
"Then show me."
Mayday swiftly did with a grin on her face until she heard Tatiana tisk away.
"What? What what? What's wrong?"
"See, you have your guitar away from you like it's a disease. Is your guitar a disease?"
"No no no! I love it! I love it so much!"
"Then act like it. Push it close to you, hug it, know it. And the strap here, make sure it hits right between your neck and shoulder right here."
Tatiana pressed the spot, making Mayday squeak and snort out before slamming her hands onto her face rather loudly with a roaring blush. "Is something wrong?"
There was no way Mayday was going to let Tatiana know she was ticklish. This was KUUL FYRA! What would she think? What if she thought she was too childish to be something huge? What if she was too childish to even be taught?
"Gah, uh nothing! Nah everything's chill!"
"... Mmhmm." Tatiana sounded uncertain but she knew. In fact, she hoped it was true. She begged to the lords above for this orange bundle of excitement was ticklish. "Anywho, next your torso."
"What? Like my gut?"
"Not just your gut. Your sides need to be free and loose."
With that, Tatiana put her giant hands on Mayday's sides and squeezed. That time, Mayday couldn't contain it and let out squeal like a pig and then an uproar of laughter as she wobbled about. "Now your tension should not be held in your torso. See how tense you are? No you shouldn't be holding any tension at all. Now up here is important."
Tatiana wiggled up to her ribs, Mayday cackling out. Tatiana's big hands were a lee's worst nightmare, she's heard Zuke say. Poor man could blush from saying t-word. However, she didn't believe him with that until now. It didn't feel like her sides were only being invaded, but her whole nervous system.
"Staahahahahahaaap!! T-Tahahahatiheeheeheehee!! Pleeheeheeheease!"
"The ribs held the angle. You may think the spine helps with that, however, your ribs are a structure to not be tampered with by any stress. NOW we get to your gut."
"Pleeheeheheeease noohohohohoo!!" the freckled girl begged with a jerk, but Tatiana's warm hands went to her stomach nonetheless. Mayday screamed and doubled over, Tatiana only following.
"You MUST stay still, Mayday…! You wanted lessons, didn't you? Now the gut is very important in this instance. The vibrations from the strings go right to there and travel to the spine."
While squeezing her stomach with one hand, she used the other to have one finger go up and down her spine. The poor girl shrieked again and fell to her knees, flopping like a fish out of water.
"PLEEHEEHEEEEHEEHEEASE STAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAP!!!!"
"Like that. If a chord doesn't feel right, you'll tell by not only your ears, but your body as well. However, there is one part of the torso we haven't talked about and it's the most useful to not only musicians, but humans overall."
With that, Tatiana dug her fingers up into Mayday's pits. With a scream, she roared out as she pressed her arms firm to her sides, shaking her head as her braided pigtails were on the loose. Her whole torso was quaking with this ticklish vibrations. Now that Tatiana was using that as an example, it's all she could think. She couldn't help but imagine it was the guitar tickling her in some sense or another.
"TATIAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! K-KUHUHUHUHU!! NOOOHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
"The armpits are the natural luggage, they carry things when our hands are not idle. Anything really. You need to not take them for granted or you'll forget them."
"PLEEHEEHEEASE STAHAHAHAHAAP!!! PLEEHEEHEEHEEASE PLEEHEEHEEEEHEEAAHAHAHAHAASE STAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAP!!"
Tatiana let off a slight giggle, toying around for a few minutes more before letting up after shuffling her hands from Mayday's tight grip. The girl fell into a panting giggling heap on the floor, coughing and swallowing air before sitting up slightly.
"Well I look forward to next week's lesson."
"W-week…!?"
"It's what you said you wanted on the phone call," Tatiana gave an oh so innocent smile. "How could I refuse from my number one fan?"
Mayday blushed but couldn't help but smile. She admitted, Tatiana was more than an idol now to her. With her, it was like a motherly quality she never knew she could have. Picking up her guitar, she walked to the elevator before Tatiana called out. "Oh, Mayday?"
"Yeah?"
"Be sure to send Zuke in for his piano lessons tomorrow. I can not wait to tickle the ivories with him."
#no straight roads#nsr#Mayday#tatiana#are these actual lessons?#they sound real but im making them up#musicians tell me if im right#Happy Halloween!#might post a halloween fic later
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was thinking about that voice hcs post & it really struck me that i have never once read anyone besides james as remotely british. whenever barty arrives in the fanfiction like "bloke" my eyes black out for a second... you can't be talking like that croatian baby
#it's usamerican brainworms to be honest. but also my nationality hcs are so deeply embedded i forget they're not real#like barty has a small balkan accent but he is hitting the “dz” sound hard#& evan grew up speaking arabic and you can really hear it. but its not british english for either of them idc. i cant LIVE like this.#jegulus on the other hand... british boarding school boys. makes perfect sense#less serious but barty using anachronistic american slang is also just always funny to me because im a 12 year old boy#he gets his dark mark like Ohhh shit's fireee 🔥🔥💰
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genuinely the sonic and shadow generations thing sounds so fake but everyone keeps talking about it as if its real so i have no idea how to feel about it . i mean its not that i think its impossible but this whole thing sounds like something people would say when theyre just making shit up and calling it a leak
#im not saying it CANT be real but it just sounds so . weird. like why would they remaster sonic generations#and putting shadow on there sounds like something someone would add to a fake leak for attention since hes so popular#like why would they give shadow a bigger role in generations what even is there to make shadow DO in generations#maybe if its real theyll just add a couple new gamemodes and shadow as a new playable character or something#but again why shadow why not tails or knuckles or amy#since the game is about the whole classic and modern thing and shadow was in his tube during the time the classic era stuff was happening#also if it is real why did it leak only 2 days before. when sonic games leak like this we usually know about them further in advance#it cant just be because its a remaster because we knew about sonic colors ultimate further in advance#and people are also like Omgggg theres a website for it that means its real#but we dont know who owns the website and it just brings up an error when you go to it. how do we know its official#people are also like Omgg sonic generations isnt on sale right now while every other game is that means its real#but there are other games that arent on sale right now people are just conveniently ignoring that fact. Idk
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i wish i spoke music
#ray's tag#there is a series of notes in my brain and i dont know how to make them happen in real life#because i have no idea what they're supposed to actually sound like.#im really bad at even recognizing when notes are up and down from each other#sure i understand rhythm but anything past that? Wizard shit
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so, has anyone actually seen a popular influencer unironically talk like that, with that amount of twitter speak? I specifically don't mean just using online slang or AAVE, but to that degree. if you have, plz drop a link. (do influencers even say 'big mood' anymore? what's a mood about holding a shovel?)
#i actually tried to find examples#i dont watch beauty vloggers but i looked them up#even downloaded tiktok#but nope#oh sure people had the exaggerated cadence#some going off/wig snatching/no capping/whatever sprinkled in as you do#but.... still nothing that made Madam E sound in any way like a real person#tmagp#tmagp spoilers#if you couldnt tell i did not like this case#i could talk about it more but first i need to make sure that im really not missing the reference#hence this post#i dont think i am missing something because i do watch some vloggers who use more of these words than the average youtube essayist#and weirdly enough/s they're all black#by which i dont mean that this case is on purpose racist or anything#but that alex might simply not have thought about this part of internet culture beyond 'heh cringe lol'#joos yaps
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My english lyrics for Triage woo! (They're written out under the cut, I just wanted to share my lil chart lol)
Though I'm too indecisive to officially label this as my favorite song, it's had the strongest emotional impact on me by far. It holds a special place in my heart, I definitely wanted to write lyrics for it first! I'll leave all my rambling process commentary in the tags, but I was so happy with how it came out!!
All of those cards of promise thrown down carelessly,
This must be retribution for all I've taken endlessly.
If that were the case, it should have been fate for me to die.
That's the truth, given my crime, so why--?
No, I can't take it, to this cruel joke I'll submit. You
don't know, you can't know, but I'm ready to admit:
Killing for them, extracting for them, won't change the fact they're dead.
I need someone to tag me as RED.
It makes me sick (sick), it's too unpleasant. Sick (sick)
Is this punishment? What do you mean I'm INNOCENT?
I see, the world is cruel and leaves you on your own.
(I can't die) to atone. (I can't love) alone.
I can't be saved (saved), you've nothing to give. Saved (saved)
But what if I lived? Why else would you choose to forgive?
I see, there's lives to save so let's be sensible.
Right now, you need me, (I can be) indispensable.
Tilt to and fro, I know the scales should land on GUILTY for me.
Tilt fro and to, it's INNOCENT that they choose.
They cry (x4) out in pain, I can hear them. There's no one else, to guard their health,
My mission is offering help.
All of those cards of promise thrown down carelessly,
This must be retribution for all I've taken endlessly.
So if that's the case, then it must be fate to make amends,
Extract that fang before we meet the end.
It makes me sick (sick), it's too unpleasant. Sick (sick)
Is this punishment? What do you mean I'm INNOCENT?
I see, the world is cruel, but what I've realized is
(Now I want) to be INNOCENT. (Now I want) to live.
It makes me sick (sick), This wasn't my plan, hostages at my command.
Their future resting in my hands
I see, there's lives to save so let's be sensible.
Right now, please save me, (I will be) indispensable.
Maybe this was meant to be -- oh -- or maybe neither of us can know
There's lives to save so let's be sensible.
Right now, please save me, (I will be) indispensable.
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I mentioned earlier that I always get annoyed with myself when people post translyrics and I can't figure out the rhythm they were going for, so here's a recording of me singing, but I'm bad at it! It's just for fun! Like a rough draft for music! Because the only thing worse than people hearing my voice is people thinking I can't count syllables!
#milgram#shidou kirisaki#lyrics#im real happy with how they came out :))#when i first got into milgram i started writing tear drop lyrics but got discouraged#(ill be revisiting them next but) it was so fun to work with this song!#i love the sound of it and had a great time creating my version#i wanted his repeated lines in the refrain to have a punch to them#and was SO satisfied giving the doctor 'sick' and 'saved' as his focus words#the mention of 'throw down' wasnt originally intended but it fit so well i just had to keep it asdfsd#i looked up an internet translation for 'Shinenai sentaku o ikenai ai o' because the official english line confused me#and it gave me 'i cant die. i cant go. i cant love.' and i loved that more than the official translation actually#really the only word that doesnt flow quite like id want is 'punishment' but the meaning/rhyme made me happy so i kept it haha#nothing can replace the sound satisfaction 'Yurayura tenbin yurusa naide hoshii noni/Yureteru yurushite hoshii to' gives me tho -_-#and i wanted a more open-mouth sound when he sings 'dattaka' the second time -- i absolutely love how he draws it out#but had to settle for what i could make work 🤷♀️#we are spitting in the face of cringe culture and posting my voice!!#some writers are okay if their complete vision doesnt make it across to the audience but Not Me#i gotta show my whole vision and draft 😂#oh and excuse his voicemail message LMAO#i love shidou with all my heart but i have to tease him about shoving his profession in our face every chance he gets#(did we ever get a translation for that btw?)#but yeah im always preaching to do arts and things youre bad at just because theyre fun so i figured id take my own advice#because it was a lot of fun to sing :3#and i dont know how to word this in the fans-having-collaborative-fun way and not a pretentious way#but if any of the milgram pals who like singing want to cover it hmu :D
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His ass is not going to be forgiven!!!
#ill tag this on my other blog#exhausted nonbinary warden my beloved...#shimazaki would make the worst prisoner ever#hed be the guiltiest bastard but also the fandom would thirst over him#i havent put my finger on his murder yet#theres a reason i havent made any milgram ocs -- im really bad with coming up with balanced crimes asdfsdf#i cant go with his typical terrorism or trying to beat up a literal child... but his personality isnt suited to anything indirect#all i know is his video would look just like the s2 opening >:3#very cool and colorful animation#spoons - vegetables - cacti type symbols#the dreamscape is very colorful but all his real memories are in complete darkness#a lot more sound effects than the current videos#that magenta is from his aura -- i think it works well for his color#im incredibly glad i havent seen any es x prisoner stuff but i can have a little warden x prisoner drama. as a treat >:3#ill have to find a fun cover song for each of them but yeah :D
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A thing that hibike euphonium does so well over and over is express how important everything feels. They're at a specific point in their life where nothing else has ever felt so important before. And it's something that makes me appreciate Aoi as a character so much every time I watch the show. Because she's someone with different priorities and it's something that makes everyone almost uncomfortable with her. She has her own goals that she considers life or death and no one around her seems to fully understand. For her it's her university and for everyone else it's band. Their entire life feels like it's dependent on these few months and it's communicated so well.
Hibike euphonium does such a good job of expressing how important these things feel while still making everything feel grounded. Life keeps going on. Nothing stops when kumiko can't play the section right. Life continues around her but she feels like she's dying. She's failing at the what she's currently defining herself with and it's killing her. But nothing stops for her. No part of her life is slowing down and waiting for her to get it.
#hibike! euphonium#sound euphonium#hibike euphonium#i love this show so much#im 21 now and i first watched it when i was 12#and watching it now that im out of highschool is making me appreciate it so much more#cause i felt like that too#i felt like what i was doing then would determine everhthing i would ever do#because i feels like it#and hibike euphonium does such a good job putting those issues into a space where theyre allowed to breathe#while also juxtaposing them with real life and how things outside of school move separately#how taki is so composed in the face of everything because this isnt the last time for him#this isnt temporary or fleeting like it is for everyone else#its important to him but it will never measure up to how important it is to them
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would it be okay if u told me why u like aoki😭/gen😭😭😭😭BEEN TRYNA LIKE HIM FOR SO LONG I JUST CANTT but i love ur art so much so i still consume it otherwise lol
i liked tohru adachi in high school and tbh i think that alone is enough of an explanation for why i ended up liking aoki
#snap chats#haha see i told you last post's tags were relevant#anyway vLKVJEVLKAEJVLKJ IM CRYING ANON youre so funny. this is the funniest ask i coulda got thank you so much#i dont know why i like him either <- yes i do#fine lets get Real Talk about it#well first off all i thought he looked hot rolling out the elevator and i was playing the eng dub and i think his voice sounds hot there#and thats like. not athing that happens to me ever <- literally thought sawashiro was hot two frames into the game but anyway#i like politician characters. or characters that are in a position of power ESPECIALLY if they have to act like they dont suck balls#like i very much love the idea of the power of charisma and that type of thing not to mention the 'strategizing' as aoki puts it#that comes with politics. LIKE HE SUCKS DONT GET IT TWISTED HE SUCKS BUT //shrug emoji//#like its why i love the mine rggo stories i like seeing mine's thought process and how he uses his intelligence#smart's sexy to me idk what to tell you but moving on#its fun watching him lose his cool too ESP IN HIS FIGHT LMAO HE STOMPIN HIS FOOT LIKE A TODDLER SHUT UP#i also really love the arakawa family in general and thinking of aoki's relationship with each of them makes my brain explode#especially him and sawashiro that shit is painful to watch and i love it so much#i also thought him going from goth to republican was the funniest shit in the world like i howled at that AND i was distraught#aokis so interesting to me from the notion that he IS loved by his family but he has so much hatred for himself it eats him up#and as a result he cant be happy no matter what he does- how hes constantly seeking validation even if it's nothing meaningful#his lil. Dog-Eat-Dog world world belief to ichi also appealed to my edgy depressed high schooler brain. sorry.#his speech at the lockers also got to me. unfortunately. sorry everyone i empathized too hard it got too real it wasnt funny anymore#like as much as i complain bout the very end the ending is what solidified me liking aoki if not also cause of ichi's impact in those scene#plus... analyzing him and the environment around him is so much fun too....#idk reasons for why i like aoki also boil down to personal reasons. he still sucks tho so i cant be upset when people hate him LOL#i probably have more reasons or could elaborate more i love rambling but i mean. who really wants to read all that 💀💀#maybe for a character that WASNT the worst but. aoki is so LMAO#thank you for loving my art regardless :) im sorry i have to be attached to the worst guys ever
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maybe a team effort?
#fantastics from exile tribe#fantastics#sato taiki#hori natsuki#kimura keito#jr exile#jpop#けとたい#maybe the real slickback was the friends we made along the way#this is my favorite series of tiktoks in a while hehe#they really had a lot of free time this day huh lol#and its when smoke challenge was shot too :))#the way taiki acts panicked when keito picks him up and nacchan pretends not to notice until he breaks into laughter#fanta smiles make me so happy i want to preserve them forever;;;;;#tho this saga is genuinely starting to make me wonder if taiki really just couldnt get the dance lmaoo#im pretty sure the only one who has posted getting it successfully was horinatsu?#maybe genius taiki had one thing he couldnt do wwww#now give it to me with the original sound you COWARDS!!!!!!!
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just full force threw a shoe at my sister's face and when my mum got me alone after she was like 'you shouldn't clobber her. but i get it' 😭
#it kicked off today but in my defence she's actually proper in the wrong this time even my DAD called her a bitch and my mum is FUMING#baso my sister came into my work with her mate when i was closing the other day and all the staff GLARED at them bc of aforementioned#close so i was being v chill so everyone 1) knew it was my sister and not some customer coming in late and 2) her friend wouldnt be uncomfy#like that's the real kicker her i was being extra laid back FOR her friend so he'd feel more at ease. and one thing about me is yes ive#said countless times i have a rural accent but my mum also raised me to know when and how to speak nice if need be bc people are cunts here#so when im waitressing i speak nicely bc it's a stuck up restaurant w stuck up customers but when im with my sister? making a point of#being laid back? my normal accent came through. and her mate when i was gone said i sounded 'really [from the county we live in]'#which WOULD NOT BE A COMPLIMENT. it's baso saying 'your sister sounds local and chavy' without using such explosive words#and my sister LET HIM SAY IT. SHE DIDNT DEFEND ME. and she told my mum about it later bc SHE THOUGHT SHE'D TELL ME OFF#LIKE SHE DID IT TO SNITCH. THERE WAS NO SCENARIO WHERE MY SISTER WASNT BEING A CUNT. and my mum hit the ROOF#one thing she's rlly been big on is loyalty bc it's always been the 3 of us so when she found out my sister let him say that she FLIPPED#and this all happened last night and i only found out this morning bc i overheard them screaming at each other and turns out my mum#tried to keep it from me bc she didnt want my feelings hurt and IM pissed bc it actually did hurt more than i thought it would#like i KNOW what people say about my accent but it's a guy i know? my sister's been friends w him for years? i was being nice?#it's EMBARRASSING like i was clueless & friendly and turned around for him to be like 'look at this stupid local girl' like??#and my sister did NOTHING? it just sucks so i STORMED upstairs when i found out and had it out with my sister#and she knew she was fucked so she did all 'im not talking to you i have nothing to say' AND PUT HER EARPHONES IN?#the way i RIPPED them out. got in her face like okay girl u think i sound like a chav ill act like a chav lets GO#and it just got really aggressive and i wound up grabbing HER OWN SANDAL and full force hurling it at her face 😭 oops#from close range too like i was already in her face so i basically just smacked her with a sandal DSHGJKSH#now we're sat in silence bc alas we still share a room. WHAT the fuck. insane tbh but it's a bit funny. im so angry rn i could KILL#hella goes home
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CONSPIRACY THEORY TIME FOR SONIC PRIME S3'S PACING ISSUES+ MISSING 8TH EPISODE
Maybe they had another final act planned for s3, taking place after the big fight against Nine in the Grim (for example fighting the council), but they ended up cutting/rewriting it. So instead they expanded on the battle to pad out the season but still had to cut a whole episode. Thats why we only got 7 episodes.
Alternatively they had to cut an episode bc of outside forces - couldnt do the ending they wanted, fluffed up the middle instead. Maybe it happened late enough in the production so they couldn't do massive rewrites.
#amanda rambles#sonic prime spoilers#sonic prime#sonic blogging#IM HALF JOKING BTW. PLS TAKE THIS LIGHTLY.#and dont wanna sound like a 'secret episode' conspiracy theorist FOR REAL take this very lightly#but from my experience with weird media is that more often that not production is messy and things dont go according to plan#so it can be fun to lightheartedly theorize#BUT#FOR THE RECORD:#i think it's very likely they just wanted the biggest battle + bad writing#like this is not the most flawless best paced show of all time even before s3.#like sometimes it is just bad writing (sherlock s4) and it is what it is#but this would MAKE SENSE TO ME. LIKE IF THIS IS THE STORY EVERYTHING CHECKS OUT 100%.#if the battle was like 1 ep shorter and it ended with nine and sonic reconciling#the council steals the finished prism and they have to fight them in new yoke maybe at the same time as Sonic is partially fading away or s#like i cAN SEE THAT BEING AN EARLY DRAFT and then they ended up squeezing it all together for some reason#maybe it was some characterization they didnt like or whatever and so they had to rearrange stuff a.k.a domino effect
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theOrEticalLy . if I opened commissions at some point. would there be. a smackerel of interest . ??
#i have never opened them bc it’s intimidating and I don’t know how to price things!!#but mostly bc i work full time w a good salary so I don’t really need side things to make money#like it feels selfish to suggest that people should pay me to make fanart?? When#a) I already do that for free bc i enjoy it lol#and b) there are so many creators out there who are struggling to make ends meet#and I am privileged enough to generally not have to worry about that#this would be just like extra spending money to fund my scented candle habit DHDJDN#and the clothes I just bought while trying to Discover My Vibe and Finally Be Myself (at age 28 lol)#also tbh it would likely be reinvested in other commissions bc I buy commissions fairly often lol#anyway. idk the idea of commissions always sounded cool but also guilt inducing and scary#it feels weird and silly bc it would make me have to take my art seriously if that makes sense??#like me saying ‘I think I’m good enough at art that people would buy it from me.’ that feels so bold and like. arrogant or something dhjsjd#coming from me I mean. just a silly little guy who still struggles to draw human limbs properly#ok I’m thinking about how I’d have to make a commission sheet and put a dollar sign on my art and I’m aaaaaaa#and I’d have to execute exactly what people want and what if I can’t!!!#omg ok maybe noT help lol#well im not committing to anything rn im simply. asking a question while the dash is asleep and then running off to bed seeya#i think part of me always wanted to try commissions to see if I could be a Real Artist about it ??#and potentially end up with like. Portfolio pieces ??#why I would need an art portfolio I don’t know. I am an editor. What do I think I will be doing here#ppl left comments on my animatic that have been giving me crazy what if thoughts. sit down#don’t look at me#ohhh swirly brain thoughts I need to sleep
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still thinking abt the tumblrinx i encountered a while back whose pinned post said they were transmasc… and also demanded that men dni
like—i’m not confused by the convoluted not-like-the-other-boys doublethink that gets you there, i can follow the chain of illogic just fine, but i sure am deeply wearily depressed by it!
#i know plenty of good men—good cis men even! gasp!#and i just think like. if we can’t move away from‚ like‚ cold gender war how the fuck do we move forward#fundamentally like. 100% block people who have behaved towards you in ways you didn't like.#but like. this whole thing where ~afabs~ preemptively self-victimize by conjuring up the creepiest cishet man they can imagine#and self-harm by worrying abt that imaginary guy jacking off to them#is just like. i understand how it happens but it’s like. you’re actively doing negative visualization#and‚ like‚ preemptively self-victimizing#ime it feels a lot better to move through the world unworried‚ in the knowledge that if someone says sth gross to you: you can block them!#anyway ultimately i’m pretty clearly making this post bc i'm overdue to unfollow the tirfiest blogger i’m currently following#like. yeah loads of cishet men are shitheads but ~misandry~ is so last decade#and frankly i don’t have a lot more time for the cishet women who have bought into the same system—like i have some sympathy but.#these people all get warped by the system into complementary fucked-up cogs whose teeth bite into one another#and i’m just not interested in biting back—i want to leave all the biting behind in the dust of the junkyard that birthed it#and like. i don’t want to dismiss the oppression that births this sort of rhetoric. it's super real and it's toxic and it fucks people up.#but it’s like. when people have bad dads and then are like Dads R Always Bad!!!#and i’m just over here like. i don’t know how to say this without sounding like i’m invalidating you but my dad was a fucking saint tbh#not perfect dgmw but like. a sweet gentle encouraging man who got ground down by my mother’s toxic heel along with the rest of us#so like. actually not only are you closing yr eyes to a better future‚ yr closing yr eyes to other ppl’s lived realities#like i personally managed to have a totally life-ruining mother without deciding Mothers Are Ontologically Evil Actually!#idk. obviously women remain *enormously* systemically oppressed! but surely we can acknowledge and decry that without#implicitly rhetorically closing off any possibility of a gentler queerer gender dynamic?#anyway none of this is revolutionary i’m just like. i KNOW the fascists want to cut off my toes and force me into the glass slipper#of viciously constrained femininity#that in turn makes itself feel better by sneering at men‚ critiquing other women who Do It Wrong‚ and exerting control over children#so i have strong personal cause to care about misogyny even if i didn’t care about it in the abstract#but i just think like. acting like traditional gender roles and dynamics are a fixed truth we can only bruise ourselves on#instead of a human construction that we can undermine and work to topple#is not actually the path to a healed world in the long run!#anyway. beta edition post (thumbtyped & not reread): may contain bugs.
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we are deconstructing gender on Google docs tonight boys
#this is stupid LMAO im annotating stuff from a guy from liek the 1400s who prolly didnt even give a shit#when he wrote that In the spirit realm the concept of gender is nebulous at BEST#if not just totally absent#he was like.. ya spirit beings change their genders all the time They switch tey can be combinations they can be nothing#reading that like Hemm…. well 1 big belief Thats held in christianity is that people are spirit beings underneath all the flesh#so what does that mean for the people who are dead set on Sex Organs determining peoples personalities ? idk. makes you think#gender means jack shit basically.#a lot of people raised male tend to behave in certain ways Not because of their sex but because of expectations And norms#and same with people raised female#and that shit goes alll the way back 2 the stone age#obligatory Nothing wrong w falling into gender stereotypes if its stuff u genuinely like!!^_^#anyways i rambled#i would have rambled more if tumblr wasnt trying to kill itself as i was typing#my rambles#my little peewee brain is sometimes capable of coherent thought But calling this coherent migjt be a stretch#bc im hardly in any mind 2 decide if im making sense . its like a fuckin echo chamber up in my brain N every echo becomes more n more warpd#until it eventually sounds normal 2 me ^_^ but when i voice it. the. suddenly i realize Wow thats fucked!#which is why. i usually keep my mouth shut !!!#but thats also bad .real bad If ur opinions always go unchallenged you may as well not even have them#should alwayd know Why you think what u do
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I hate school so fucking much lol and I always just thought I was taking too many credits but this semester I finally took a normal amount of credits and it doesn’t matter. It’s not the amount of classes, it’s just having any classes at all. I feel like there was definitely a time where I could handle it but not anymore lmfao… this place was crazy. Sent me into my first real and scary panic attack, broke me out in stress hives, ruined my sleep, turned me into a mega hater…. smh. I know it could be a million times worse so I feel bad for complaining but it was not cool. All I can hope for is that my degree and good grades that I damn near died trying to get for literally no reason do me some good in real society tho I doubt it lmao
#like why did I try so hard lmfao…… I don’t need a 4.0 I’m not going to grad school I’d rather kms#I don’t know. I didn’t realize I was trying that hard I just thought that’s how hard I was supposed to try#IDK!!!!#I have never been good at knowing how much effort to put into things my entire life#I give everything 110 percent when it feels like I’m giving it like. Idk. 80 percent#everyone calls me a perfectionist and IM NOT TRYING TO BE LOL I don’t know how to gauge what I can or can’t be dismissive of!!!#it’s hard for me to discuss this problem I have without it sounding like I’m being like ‘omg I’m so smart that I do everything perfect by#accident’#THATS NOT WHAT I MEEEEAAAN#whatever#some people’s mental health issues make their grades tank but I have never had below an A- in my life and if u ask me that is also#indicative of an issue like LOL. if your child is like that then get them help for fucking real#ugh I love my mom and it’s not her fault but when I was a kid I was literally bawling and having stress headaches and canker sores DAILY#after school and being unable to sleep because I was so afraid of going the next day#and she was just like. ‘I was like that too :) it’s normal. you’re just a perfectionist’#ACTUALLY IM SCARED OUT OF MY MIND FOR NO REASON but okay#ok sorry let me just shout out some gratitude tho to the handful of teachers I had who were epic and had swag#I loved them#they didn’t make up for the rest of this bullshit though LOL
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