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crashdevlin · 5 years

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Something More: Part Nine

Author’s Note: *THERE IS NO WIFE-HATE HERE! I <3 Danneel Ackles. (it’s completely understandable how she acts)* This is a sequel to Open. READ THAT FIRST! Something More Masterlist

Summary: Reader is a no-name actor who has been lucky enough to land a role on her favorite show and a part in an anthology of Marvel Cinematic Shorts. Her star is on the rise, but the man who’s made her his mistress isn’t the only one noticing it.

Pairing: Jensen Ackles x Reader, Tom Hiddleston x Reader

Story Warnings: Open Marriage, mistress, breakups, angst, anger, jealousy, things get REALLY bad between Jensen and y/n…

Chapter Warnings: obsession, harassment, (Tom is worse than an asshole in this, A REMINDER THAT THIS IS FICTION!!!! I KNOW THAT TOM IS NOT REALLY LIKE THIS AND I WISH HIM NO HARM)

I woke up with Jay holding me close, peppering kisses on my neck and shoulder. “Mornin’,” I greeted, turning in his arms. “Time is it?”

“Twenty minutes past my alarm goin’ off. I’m supposed to be getting ready for the Gold Panel, but… I’m so comfy and happy… I don’t wanna leave this bed.” He pressed his lips to mine and both of our eyes fluttered closed. “Think anybody’d notice if I just didn’t show up?” He said it with a smirk, already knowing the answer, of course.

“Only every single person at the con and across the interwebs.”

“Damn. Should probably get dressed, then, huh?”

I nodded. “You’ve got a con to open and I’ve gotta find a pharmacy ‘cause somebody got overeager last night.”

“Hey, you didn’t tell me to stop and wrap it up, either, Baby Girl, so hush.”

“After how you ate me, my brain was not functional, Jay. I can’t be held accountable.”

“Well, I couldn’t think past you wrappin’ your hand around my dick, so… guess I’m not accountable, either.” He shrugged, rolling out of bed.

I stared at his ass for a minute before getting out of bed and beginning the search for my clothes. “Well, until I get on birth control, I’m gonna need you to start carrying condoms again.”

A foil square soared across the room and hit my stomach. “I had one, y/n/n. Just forgot to get it on.”

I shook my head. “Ridiculous man. You planned this and still didn’t put the damn thing on?” I stepped into my skirt. “Holding you accountable.” I pulled my tank top over my head and looked around. “Where are my underwear?”

“Dunno.” He shrugged.

“If I check and they’re in your pocket, I’m gonna scream. ‘Cause that’d be the most Dean Winchester-ish shit you could do.”

He smirked as he reached into his back pocket and presented me with my panties, hanging from the tip of his finger. “You love it when I’m like Dean. Fuckin’ fangirl.”

“Yeah… I do like when you act like Dean, most of the time. Can you get rid of the ‘crawl into a bottle to deal with hard times’ part of Dean Winchester’s personality, please?” I snatched my underwear from him and sat on the edge of the bed to slip them on under my skirt.

Jay turned to grab a comb and pull it through his hair. “Don’t break up with me again and we’ll be good.”

“Oh, that’s not a lot of pressure and a completely asshole thing to say.”

“You said you liked when I’m like Dean.” He turned around and smiled at me. “I’m not gonna drink like that anymore. Haven’t since you’ve been back. But, still, don’t break up with me.”

I slipped my feet into my sandals and bent down to do the straps. Jay was suddenly on his knees on the floor in front of me, fingers working across the buckles to secure the heel to my foot. I smiled at him as he started working on the second one. “Are we dating now, Jensen? Like, for realsies?”

He gave a scoffing chuckle, shaking his head, slightly. “For realsies. You can tell your friends about it and everything, Baby Girl.” He ran his hands up my calf as he stood. “I wanna tell all of our friends about us.” A tight feeling took up in my chest at the thought. “Hey. What’s wrong?” he asked, softly.

“I don’t know. Just… what if they think I’m the reason… what if everybody thinks I’m the reason your marriage-”

“Hey, no, no, no. I’m gonna make sure everybody knows that isn’t what happened. And hey, they like you more than they like Dee, anyway, so they’d probably take your side, either way.”

“But…”

He shook his head, leaning down to press his lips to mine. “It’s a mess, right? But we can get through the mess together. Long as you’re with me.” I nodded, standing and wrapping my arms around his neck. He smiled softly down at me. “I called you an Uber while you were sleeping. Clif’s gotta drive me and Jared to the con, so you’ll have to ride back to your hotel by yourself.”

I nodded. “I’m okay with that.”

“And we'll wait to tell everyone about us until you're ready, but… they all know how close we are, how poorly I took you, uh, dating Douchebag. I think most of ‘em know we're not just buddies.” He chuckled. “Actually, back in June last year, Richard straight up asked if you were my con cooch.”

I rolled my eyes. “Con cooch. How disgusting.”

“It's not his term, you know. It's probably old as you are.”

I scoffed. “And the N word is older than anybody alive, doesn't mean I gotta like people using it.”

He nodded. “You're right. I won’t use it ever again, and I will tell Richard not to use it, either.”

“Don’t tell Richard what to do. I’ll tell him it’s offensive if I ever hear him say it, but until then…” I sighed, looking up into his eyes. “Fuck. What was I saying?”

He smiled. “You were going downstairs to get in the back of some sedan driven by some hipster trying to make some money for pot.”

“Oh, yeah. That’s right.”

“I’ll see you at the con hotel, Baby Girl.”

I nodded and pulled him down for a kiss, before turning and heading out of the hotel room. Jared was in the hallway, walking toward Jay’s room. He grinned when he saw me. “That is not a Sunday morning outfit.”

“Yeah, fuck you, J-pad.” I chuckled, maneuvering around him.

“Yeah, I think Jensen and Genevieve might have a problem with that, kid,” he teased, grabbing my hand to stop me. “Everything’s good, though?”

“With me and Jay? Yeah. For the first time in months, I think… I think everything’s actually really good all around.”

“Good. I’m glad.” He nodded. “Gonna be fuckin’ funny if someone sees you takin’ the Walk of Shame from our hotel.”

“You’re hilarious. There’s already an Uber waiting for me downstairs. I’m sure I can get to it before anyone notices me.” I smiled, squeezing his hand and stepping backward. “See you at the Hyatt.”

It was uneventful going from Jay’s hotel to mine. Nobody seemed to notice my Walk of Honor and I was able to get a shower, get dressed, put makeup on and get checked out without incident. I called another Uber and had him take me to the closest Walmart. I stood in line a few minutes before getting in front of the counter. The woman in the white lab coat smiled brightly at me. “You’re y/f/n y/l/n, aren’t you?”

I cringed. This was the absolute last place I wanted to be recognized. “Uh, yeah. That’s me.”

“Are you here for that convention? You know your character on Supernatural is my favorite witch of the series. I had such high hopes for Rowena, but Tara is infinitely more relatable. I mean, Rowena was glamorous but Tara is so down-to-Earth.” I nodded, smiling politely. “Oh, and you know, I had a feeling that Tom Hiddleston’s nice guy thing was just an act. The way he grabbed you in that video, oh and I know you can’t say anything about it, Marvel’s probably got their lawyers just ready to pounce on you if they hear you say anything bad about… oh, I’m rambling, aren’t I? What can I get for you, sweetie?”

I cleared my throat and leaned forward, slightly. “I need a Plan B.”

“Oh!” Her eyes lit up. “Had a good night at the convention, did you? I’m glad you’re getting back up on that horse again!”

“Ma’am, please keep your voice down. Remember your HIPAA regs.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry, sweetie. I’ll get that for you.”

As she went into the back of the pharmacy to find what I needed, twitter gave me a notification. ‘Hey, maybe now @y/l/n_y/f/n has a shot’ with a video attached. I pressed play on a clip of the Gold Panel.

“Is there any truth in the report that Danneel filed for divorce?” the fan asked.

Jensen’s eyes went wide with shock. “Are you kidding me?! I just got served Friday. How do you people already know?” Jared reached out and patted Jensen’s shoulder. Jay sighed, his voice was resolute when he spoke. “This is the only question I’m taking about this. All right, I will walk if I get another one. So, here’s my piece on it. Yes, Dee filed for divorce. No, I was not surprised. No, I’m not happy about it, but I understand. If it were up to me, I’d keep fighting for us, but I guess Danneel just got too tired of my bullshit. She’s not gonna keep Birdie and the twins from me, we’re going to stay as much a family as possible. I love Danneel, always will… but sometimes… things don’t work out.”

Jensen ran his hand across his mouth and Jared stood to wrap his arms around him. The video ended when their embrace did.

I retweeted it with an added, ‘Thats really fn insensitive. Thats my FRIEND and hes obvi upset about this. Check urself for basic empathy before you send me shit. Thx’. I paid for the Plan B, along with a bottle of water to take it with, and tossed the packaging in the trash can outside the entrance. I took the pill while I waited for the car to show up. When I showed up at the Hyatt, Jensen was in the op room, Jared was doing his meet and greet, so I dropped my bags in the green room and waited for them. They’d come by the green room before heading back to the auditorium for the regular Sunday panel.

“Hey, Baby Girl.” Jensen dropped into the chair next to me, looking not at all as upset as he had in the video.

“Somebody sent me video of the Gold Panel.” I said, taking his hand in mine and entwining our fingers. “They already know about the divorce, huh?”

“Yeah, must have someone on the inside at the Travis County Courthouse.” He looked down at our hands, then looked across the room to our friends. “Take it you don’t mind our friends knowing, then?” he asked quietly.

“If they judge us, they judge, but we never did anything wrong.”

Jensen smiled and licked his lips. “I’d totally kiss you right now, but Kim an’ them just got done telling me how sorry they were about my divorce, so I’ll hold off on it.” He bit his lip. “Did'ya get that thing you needed?”

“That thing I needed ‘cause of you? Yeah, I got it.” I leaned my head against his shoulder. “The pharmacy tech recognized me, but it's okay. I made it pretty clear that I know my rights and if it ends up in the tabloids, I'm getting her fired.”

“Oh? When did you go diva?”

“Not diva, but I’m not gonna let someone violate my rights, rights they have a duty to uphold, so that they can gossip. I’m with Jared. Just ‘cause I’m famous-adjacent, that doesn’t mean people can walk on me.”

“‘Famous-adjacent’. You’re adorable.”

“Uh, Jensen, it’s time.” Stefani walked up, clipboard in hand. “I’ve already made the announcement that no one is to ask about… about Danneel. Um, they’ve pretty much acknowledged that they’ll be chasing you away if they don’t adhere to the pre-approved questions. Adam wanted me to let you know that, if you do have to walk out of the panel, he understands and he won’t make a big ruckus about your obligations, but he’d really like you to finish your ops if you choose to leave early.”

Jay smiled and stood, releasing my hand. “I’m not going anywhere. Even the tin hats don’t want me to leave, so they won’t ask about Danneel.”

“I can totally see the fan sites, though. ‘Danneel left Jensen because he’s gay for Jared. Genevieve is just holding out for show’,” Jared announced, smiling broadly.

“Ya know… that’s not funny.” Jensen smirked, though.

“Yeah, it is. It’s funny ‘cause it’s true. You know they’re already saying it. I bet if I pull up the tweet I got sent, there’s retweets under it saying that exact thing.” I pulled out my phone, but didn’t go to twitter. I didn’t need to. An unopened text message greeted me from a string of numbers my phone and brain didn’t recognize. I tried to delete it without reading it, just as I’d done the other ten to twenty texts I’d been getting every day. This one, though, was more involved than just ‘ungrateful whore’. This one read ‘Are you proud you’ve destroyed a family with your whore cunt?’

I bit my tongue, keeping my face blank to keep J2 from worrying about me, blocked the number and deleted the message. It wouldn’t matter. Tom would text from another number later. The man’s a bit of a Luddite, but given the right motivation he could obviously figure out how to text from random numbers online. Or he’d bought hundreds of disposable cell phones just to torture me. Honestly, I really couldn’t tell you which.

I watched J2’s panel from the side of the auditorium. Jay kept his surly and unhappy act up throughout but every once in a while he’d look at me and smile, just for a second. It made me happier than was acceptable. But my mind kept going back to that text message. ‘Are you proud-’ I could hear it in Tom’s voice. I could imagine his ice blue eyes stabbing me as he placed blame on me for Danneel leaving Jensen.

God, but he was right. It was on me, wasn’t it? If he’d never met me, his marriage… I shook my head. This is exactly what he was trying to accomplish with his bullying texts.

Jay noticed. Of course Jay noticed I was stuck in my head. “What’s wrong?”

I shook my head. “It’s nothing, Jay.”

“You’re doin’ that thing, that deep thinking, worrying thing.” Jensen pulled me behind the curtain behind the stage and ran his fingers through my hair. “What’s wrong?”

“I prom-”

“Don’t lie to me, Baby Girl. You know I can’t let you go back to Florida with this sad sack shit in your head. Come on.”

My phone went off in my pocket as I opened my mouth to claim innocence, but when my body stiffened, Jensen just raised an eyebrow. I pulled out my phone and looked at it. A different string of numbers, back to a shorter message. ‘Homewrecking bitch’. I flipped the phone so Jay could see. “Just been getting some…”

“Tom. I’m gonna kill him.”

I shook my head. “It’s not a big deal. I’ll just get rid of it.”

“Will blocking the number work?”

I hesitated, then shook my head. “No, he's just gonna send it from another number. I've blocked every number he's texted from.”

“This is harassment, y/n. You need to report him.”

“I have no proof it's him, Jay. I can't accuse him with nothing to show for it. I’m just gonna get a new number when I get home. That’ll solve it.”

“I don’t like it.”

“I know. It’s fine, though. I promise I’m okay.”

“Fine.” He looked around, then leaned down to press his lips to mine. I pulled away, smiling up at him. “You get a new number as soon as you get back to Florida. Like, on the way home from the airport, get a new number, okay?”

I nodded. “Yeah. Go do your meet and greet.”

Jay kissed my forehead. “Don’t leave for the airport without sayin’ goodbye, huh?”

“Okay. Love you, Jay.”

“Love you, too, y/n.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Changing my number worked. The texts stopped. Jay was the first person I texted from my new number, Jared second, my parents and nephew were a group text that was third, Connie was fourth. I started updating my contact information with everyone before I’d even made it back to my parents’ house… except Marvel. I emailed Marvel to tell them that my phone was out of commission and if they needed to get a hold of me, they would have to do it via snail or electronic mail. I didn’t want to risk someone at Marvel giving my new number to Tom.

The email that followed was one that made my stomach twist. ‘Miss y/l/n, please let us know when you have a new contact number. We need to set up accommodations for you for the People's Choice Awards, as you have been requested to present the award for best new series along with Sebastian Stan, Elizabeth Olson, and Tom Hiddleston. You can, of course, deny the request, if you want. Please respond as soon as possible.’

“So, Marvel has, uh, pretty much volunteered me to present at the People's Choice Awards… with Elizabeth and Sebastian and Tom.” I kept my voice steady as I looked down at my computer, where Jensen was in a Skype screen, but my legs were shaking with nerves. “I could tell them ‘no’, but this is a test. This is them seeing if I can handle being around him and I really thought I could do it, but now, I’m not so sure, but if I refuse they’re gonna get rid of me.”

Jay nodded, eyes soft. “What do you need, y/n/n?”

“I need you with me. I mean, I know you don’t usually go to the PCA, but the show is up for two and I just-”

“I’ll get Andy to give me the day off, fly to L.A., walk the red carpet with the most beautiful woman in the world.”

I scoffed, smiling. “No way is she available, but I’m free.” I took a deep breath. “Thank you, Jay.”

“Anything for you, Baby Girl.”

Jay couldn’t save me from rehearsal, though. I tried to stay away from Tom until I had to but he sought me out. “Please, go away.” I didn’t look up when he approached.

“You look good. How have you been?”

“Better now that you can’t text me all the time.”

“Will you look at me? You aren’t having this conversation with your shoes.”

“I’d rather be having this conversation with my shoes.” Tom tucked his fingertips under my chin and forced me to look at him and I flinched away, grinding my teeth together. “Don’t touch me.”

He smiled, softly, eyes soft. I shook my head, crossing my arms over my head. “Y/n, I think you misunderstand my intentions, my Dear, you-”

“I don’t misunderstand anything, Tom. And don’t call me that.”

“What? ‘Dear’?” He emphasized it on purpose. “Look, I've come to apologize and I think you owe me an opportunity to do such.”

I scoffed at the idea that I owe him anything. “Apologize? For what? Our relationship, or how you've acted since I ended it?”

“You mean since Jensen ended it, don't you?” He leaned closer to me. “You think I don't know what happened? You went to Vancouver and he told you his wife was leaving him so you got down on your knees for him like the whore you are and then you broke it off with me.”

“If you think that's what happened, then you don't know me, at all.” I took a deep, shaky breath. “And I'm not a whore. I never have been. You just treated me like one.”

Tom sighed, running his hand through his hair. Here comes the flip. “I’m sorry. Truly. I just… losing you has been a terrible experience. I know you aren’t. You’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. And you’d never be unfaithful, not after what Nathan did to you. I’m so sorry.”

The thing about men like Tom is they’re very good at what they do. They get what they want. Either through charm and manipulation or through violence and threats of such. The thing about women like me? We expect the darkness once we’ve seen it in a person. Once we know the potential is there, we are more than a little cynical in our dealings with them.

So, when Tom very politely and calmly suggested he take me to dinner so that the paparazzi could get pictures of us getting along, that that was the best way to show the execs we were okay to be around each other, it threw a big red flag, but I agreed. He was right, it was a great way to prove to everyone, myself included, that I could handle being around him, and if he kept up the charm instead of the obsession, it would be fine.

Jay wasn’t happy about it, but I promised him that I would be in public, with cameras on me, the entire time. “It’s the best way to deal with this. I will be completely on guard, Tom will be on his best behavior. I have to do this,” I said into Skype.

“You really don’t. If you want to, you know, face him, I get it. But you don’t have to do this.” He bit his lip. “You still want me to be there tomorrow?”

“Of course! Please, Jay.”

He nodded. “I’ll be there.”

“I love you, Jensen.”

“I love you, too, Baby Girl. My flight’s in at 11:35. You gonna pick me up?”

“Definitely.”

He smiled. “All right. You be careful. I wish I was there, I’d-”

“I know what you’d do to him. That’s part of why I’m doing this alone. I do love that you wanna defend me, though.”

“Cover your own ass, right?”

“Yes, sir.” I smiled at him and he blew me a kiss before signing off.

I didn’t dress up to go to dinner. I didn’t want to send any sort of romantic signals toward Tom. He did dress up. I looked like a bum sitting at the table with Tom in a clean pressed suit. I didn’t really care, though. The point was for us to seem like we didn’t hate each other, not that we were on a date.

When the waiter came up, Tom ordered me a tequila sunrise before I’d even had a chance to open my mouth. Flag. As the server walked away, I excused myself to the restroom and tracked down the waiter. “Hi. Uh, you know that guy I’m with?”

“Oh, honey, I know all about you and Tom Hiddleston,” he said, looking over my shoulder. “I run a gossip blog in my free time. Didn’t think you’d run back to an abusive relationship so quick, but who am I to judge?”

I scoffed. “I’m not going back to him. This is purely for the Marvel execs to see us together so they don’t take Sin away from me.” I sighed. “But he’s trying to get me drunk, and that needs to not happen. Okay? So, can you do me a huge favor and not put any tequila in the sunrises? Just orange juice and grenadine, swipe the rim with tequila so that it smells like liquor but don’t mix any in?”

He gave me a thoughtful look and pursed his lips. “When you finally decide to come clean about Tom’s abuse, I want an exclusive interview.”

“Deal.”

“Virgin sunrises with a tequila rim, it is. Here’s my card.” He pulled out a business card and handed it over. I tucked it in the back of my jeans and winked before heading back to the table.

Tom put the charm on for about an hour and a half, ordering me new drinks before I’d finished my old ones, smiling as we spoke, and it was easy to see why I’d fallen for him in the first place. If I weren’t on my guard, I might have fallen back into it. If he hadn’t tried to get me drunk, I might’ve fallen for it… If he hadn’t hurt me…

The server, Steph according to his card, brought me another drink and Tom looked at me, curiously. “That’s your fourth one, isn’t it?”

“Well you keep ordering me more!” I laughed, loudly, and I could almost hear the camera shutters going.

“But you don’t seem even slightly tipsy.” He chuckled, obviously confused.

“Oh, that’s ‘cause there’s no tequila in these.” I gestured to the glass in my hand.

His face fell. “What?” he whispered.

I nodded, excitedly, putting down the drink and picking up a breadstick. “Yeah! See, I, uh, I got a pretty good memory, Tom, and I remember telling you on our first date to Lava that if you wanted to get me drunk, tequila sunrises were the way to go. You ordering me a sunrise was a big red flag. Texas-sized once you started ordering more and more of them.” I bit into the bread and leaned forward, smiling. “You wanted me to get drunk, defenses down, get pictures of us getting cozy in the mags again, and, hey, maybe you’d get me in bed, right? ‘Cause it was so easy last time. And then I’d have to take you back or I’d look like the whore you think I am.”

I kept the smile, but my eyes and voice went cold. “This is the part where you’re supposed to apologize, tell me I’m misunderstanding. But I’m not, am I?” I shook my head. “I’m done with this, Tom. This is it. Look me in my eyes and hear what I’m saying. I am not afraid of you. I am not in love with you. You are not going to manipulate me or hurt me, ever again. I will continue to work with you, as needed, but beyond that… you don’t talk to me, understand?”

I stood when he didn’t respond, patting his shoulder as I walked toward the door. I threw a peace sign at the paparazzi and pulled my phone out as I walked down the sidewalk. “Hey, just wanted to let you know I’m out of dinner with Tom. I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow, but suffice it to say… I think I win. I think the game’s over and I win. Call me when you get done shooting. Love you, Jay.”

It was like a weight being lifted when I turned back toward the restaurant and saw Tom walk out. He looked at me, but walked forward to hail a cab, not coming after me. I win.

~~~~~~~~~~

I had never been so excited to put on a dress as I was to put on the cobalt blue metallic Theia gown. Like, not even my wedding dress made me as excited as the gown I put on to walk the red carpet with Jensen… in his light blue suit with his thin grey tie. He actually fucking stared when I walked out of the bathroom. I spent hours on my hair and makeup and locked myself in the hotel bathroom for the last half hour before finishing. His eyes went wide and his jaw dropped a little and, honestly, I have never felt more beautiful. “Wow. You look amazing.”

“It’s not too much? I mean, when I did the premieres, Tom always made me go less. He didn’t want me to ‘look like a harlot’.”

Jensen rolled his eyes. “If he so much as speaks to you without needing to, I’m gonna kill him.”

“No, you’re not. Don’t wanna get your suit dirty.”

“Fine… but if he touches you…”

“I can take care of it. Calm your protective side, honey. I handled him yesterday, I can handle him today.”

“‘Honey’?” He smirked. “Since when am I ‘Honey’?”

“Since calling you ‘daddy’ is weird for both of us if it’s not a joke and Jay is a nickname, not a pet name and you, my wonderful boyfriend, deserve a pet name.”

His smirk became a genuine smile. “I fuckin’ love you. I’ll take ‘Honey’.”

We rode to the awards show in the back of a Towncar. Jensen helped me out and we walked down the carpet, taking questions from reporters as we went. A few asked why we were there together and Jensen let me answer them. “See, this guy here, this is my best friend. I told him I had to present an award and asked if he’d come with for emotional support and he was here, man. Like, how many folks would move their whole schedules around to take their friend to an award show that she’s not even getting an award at?”

“She didn’t even have to ask. Soon as I found out her ex was gonna be here, I wanted to be here.” Jay bit his lip and looked around, almost like he was trying to find Tom.

“And we’re not causing any trouble, right, Jensen?” I said, pointedly.

He pursed his lips and nodded. “Right. We don’t start trouble.”

“Do you end it?” The reporter asked with a smile.

I grabbed Jensen’s arm and tugged on it. “We’re not ending anything except this interview, okay? Come on, we gotta get inside.”

I had to go to the restroom, so I left Jensen at our seats and walked away. When I got back to my seat, Jay held out his phone. “You’re welcome.”

“What’s this?”

“Some of the proof you keep sayin’ you don’t have.”

I pressed play on the video, which was taken with the selfie cam of the phone that was obviously sitting in Jensen’s lap as it recorded. “How did I know she would show up here on your arm?” Tom’s voice came out of the phone.

“Probably the same way she knew Marvel would protect you and I know that she’s gonna destroy you as soon as she decides Marvel isn’t worth her effort if they’re gonna cover for a predator.”

“But Marvel hasn’t been protecting me. The only one protecting me is y/n. She’s said repeatedly that I did no wrong. Why do you think that is, I wonder?”

“Ah, is this the part where you tell me that, despite the fact that you were horrible and abusive and controlling and forced her into a S&M relationship she didn’t want, despite the fact that when she left you you grabbed her so hard she had bruises for weeks and then started harassing her through text messages until she changed her number and tried to get her drunk last night so that you could take advantage of her... despite all that, she’s still in love with you?”

“Of course she is, even if she doesn’t realize it. Love doesn’t die so quickly… and she is mine.”

“No, jackass, she’s not. She’s not yours. She’s not mine. She is her own woman and she doesn’t want anything to do with you.” The picture jostled as he stood and the camera settled on the bottom half of Tom’s face. “She doesn’t want me to cause a scene, so walk away before she gets back.”

Tom gave a slight smile. “I never should have let her go back to your little show.”

“She’d still be under your thumb if you hadn’t.”

“She’ll be under my thumb again, don’t worry. And when she returns, I’ll show her exactly what happens to a slave that runs away from her master.”

“Walk… away… now.”

“There are far too many cameras upon us, Jensen. You wouldn’t want to embarass y/n publicly, would you? I can say from experience, she hates the media speculating about her life.” Tom chuckled. “Enjoy her while you can. She’ll come back to me, eventually.”

I swallowed and handed the phone back to Jay. “He didn’t… he didn’t even try to deny any of it. He’s so… He really thinks I’m gonna go back to him?” I shook my head.

“Dude’s delusional.” Jay smirked as he tucked his phone into his jacket pocket. “You really know how to pick ‘em, don’t’cha?”

“Well, one outta three ain’t bad.”

“Yeah, it is. That’s 33%,” he said with a smirk.

“Well, I only need one to work out, right? One good guy.” Jay reached out and grabbed my hand. “In case you were wondering, you’re the good guy.”

“Oh, good. I was worried.” He chuckled, bringing the back of my hand to his lips.

OPEN/SOMETHING MORE

@angelessquirrel @mirandaaustin93 @supernatural-bellawinchester @mannls @jerkbitchidjitassbutt @nanie5 @super-fics @sev3nruby @racewife2004 @deansenwackles

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#cassie writes stuff #spn #spn rpf #jensen ackles #jensen x reader #jensen x you #obsession #harassment

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takahashitakeda · 5 years

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OOC://

i have #returned however i will probably be rly spotty with replies until i get my Shit together tomorrow lol

i’ll probably do the one or two (?) i owe for yasu and then just lurk, and playlists will come later too. i had some wine and ate most of a frozen pizza (i mean....i cooked it.....) and i’m like zzz?zzzzzzzzz? but i feel a bit better i guess so ????

i work tomorrow But i do not have any phone hours and we will probably be super slow again so i will probably catch up for realsies then or after d&d

thank u all for being Swaggy, big hug for everyone

#out of whips #and out of wine :'(#anyway i'm feeling the yasu vibes tonight i suppse #still message me here on tak tho if u need me

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offbrand-valk · 7 years

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Not really sure I’m satisfied with how this turned out, but humans need to sleep, and maybe tomorrow I will finally manage to write a fic for this challenge im actually satisfied with

Stephcass week day 4 - Fake Dating

"More kisses." Cass said insistently.

Steph wrinkled her brow and inspected her work. "Are you sure? I think we've gone overboard already."

"Yes, shock not realism." Cass confirmed, making Steph shrug and put on a new layer of eggplant colored lipstick. By the time she was finished, Cass's face and most of her upper body was a tapestry of lipstick smears as well as a few hickies just to be sure (which Steph had way too much fun making overexaggerated slurping sounds while she made).

As the cherry on top they made a terrible attempt at hiding the evidence, Bruce would see right through the strategically placed scarf being worn inside during early May. Which was exactly what they wanted.

When Cass left her room, she did her best to look both giddy and exhausted. The giddy part was easy, all she had to do was think of Bruce face when her plan came to fruition. The exhausted part was a lot harder, normally she would have been up and about for hours at this point in the day, but to sell the illusion she'd had to "sleep in" late.

She passed by Damian in the hallway, who wrinkled his nose and scowled at her. "Brown." She heard him sneer as he crossed into a different room.

The plan hit a snag when she entered the grand hall and found Bruce sitting at the table with his face buried in case files. It could be hours before he looked up next. "Miss Cassandra, how fortunate to see you're finally up, what of your partner? Has she already left?" Cass was very happy they'd had the foresight to let Alfred in on their plan, he was all too happy to help prank Bruce.

Her adoptive father's face slowly moved up from his files to look at her, while Alfred went to fetch her breakfast. She had to struggle to look embarrassed rather than incredibly pleased with herself as she saw all the color drain from his face.

He coughed a few times, a stalling tactic, then said with his most dad-like voice: "'I'm very happy that you are exploring your sexuality, would you mind me asking who your partner is?"

Alfred came back in with her breakfast not a second later, and remained hovering in the background, sneakily waiting to see the bomb drop.

"Steph." Cass said, shrugging it off as no big deal and digging into her scrambled eggs.

Bruce in the meantime choked on air. "Steph? Stephanie Brown?" He stammered out between fits of coughing.

"Yes, that's me, how can I help you b-man?" Steph said, choosing that exact moment to enter, wearing an aggressively purple pajama, and a shit eating grin that almost screamed: "Hello sir, I ate out your daughter several times last night, and have plans for several repeat performances." That was very far from what had actually happened (platonic netflix and chill), but for some reason Cass found herself thinking: what if it had?

Without a moment's hesitation, Steph sat down in Cass's lap as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Bruce's face changed from pale white to beetroot red. Then Steph started eating food off Cass's plate, and Cass started worrying for his blood pressure.

They kept sharing breakfast, and marvel at Bruce trying to keep focus on his files rather than the fact that his favorite daughter was dating his least favorite vigilante.

Suddenly an idea occurred to Cass. Before she could stop herself, she leant in and kissed Steph right on the lips. They hadn't talked about doing that at all when they planned that prank. She hoped Steph would be okay with it, in the name of poking the bear of course.

Steph was more than okay with it, she deepened the kiss! Cass should have seen that coming, Stephanie Brown did not believe in half measures. She had no idea having another person's tongue in her mouth could feel so good!

There was a loud scraping of chairs as Bruce hurriedly stood up and marched out of the room, grumbling something about privacy on the way.

When they were sure he was out of hearing range, they broke into laughter, Steph almost falling off Cass lap from the convulsions. "Should we tell him?" Steph asked after they had regained their breath. Cass spent a moment pondering her answer. "Maybe later." She said with a wolfish grin. "Agreed." Steph replied.

Then there was silence between them again.

"So... About the kiss?" Steph said awkwardly. Only then did Cass realize it had been her first, she wasn't sure how she felt about that. "Yes." She simply said.

"Was it just me? or was it nice? Like, really nice? Like maybe want to do it again sometime nice?" Steph asked, nervously biting her lower lip after she finished her question. "Very nice." Cass agreed.

"Should we, should we maybe just... uhm, maybe just stop pretending to date, and you know." Steph gulped. "Date for realsies."

"Yes!" Cass said immediately.

And they kissed again.

And again.

And a few more times for good measure.

Then they retreated to Cass's room to kiss even more

In the opposite end of the Manor, Bruce Wayne had to send his cousin Kate a text. "Cassandra just told me she and Stephanie are an item, come get your damned 50$."

#stephcass #stephanie brown x cassandra cain #stephcass week #stephcass week 2017 #fanfic #my writing

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cheswirls · 7 years

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a quick sum-up of che’s future career plans, bc reasons

im halfway through the dive!! anime show that came out this summer season, and i’m having a lot of thoughts, and plus i finished going through all the footage i missed today of skate america while i was at a bball game, and it’s made me realize different things i guess?

it might be mid-long length so its going under a cut, but to gain intereststart off, this is all about my desire to be an athletic trainer for the usa olympic center at colorado springs, co !

ive been an at(now when you see that abb. you know what it means hah!! not assistant teacher hmm) student since my freshman year of high school, and i’ve loved it a whole bunch. back then i was set on going to columbia U for their writing program, and i wanted to major in graphic design afterwards/during/it wasnt super planned out i was a fr. i didnt know what bfa or mfa stood for yet. it wasnt until end of sophomore year than i thought about being an at for realsies.

but i also still loved gd. so there was a confliction there.

junior year i took a break from working volleyball in the fall and did my one and only year of football and it was terrible primarily bc the team i worked with didnt know how to function as a group and half the group were selfless bitch whores but like thats another storyyy, secondly bc i jus really discovered i didnt care abt football at all. it was mostly for the experience and i gained it and i liked it bc i hung out w a lot of people from helping out w varsity (i was one of two our of the five juniors that had been there since my fr year and was only on jv bc it was my first year w football, but one of the seniors had to work a bunch so when they needed an extra person i was the one w the most experience so i was w them a lot,) point was it was fun!!! and you have fun w ppl you like that you dont work w all the time and i shouldnt say fun bc lots of times it was awful,

basically! it was fun being w the varsity trainers which were the seniors and the other junior that had been around since fr year. volleyball was fun but it had always been a one-at-student-per-team sport , so it was different jus being w other ats that shared the same team and not the same sport(which in the us is made up of at least three different teams, a fr,jv,and varsity). it was a more open environment and so it inspired a lot of talk with the at grad students we had that semester (we got 3-4 every semester in a partnership w the D1 uni in town, it was always cool to hear stories from them!) and anyway i remember talking w a couple of the grads one practice and we were discussing all the different occupations athletic trainers could have, and what they wanted to work with in the future, and the topic veered towards professional sports and the olympics.

i thought it was really cool when we were talking about it, and then we got busy and it flew out of my mind. i dont remember when it came back and became a focus, but sometime before my senior year, i had decided i wanted to work at the olympic level.

real quick i mentioned gd and the struggle, so to bring that into focus, my junior year i took a whole bunch of different tech classes (gd&i, compsci, webtech) and in one of those, i had the opportunity to go to a ... i cant remember what the term was for it, but it was kinda an event for gd students and it had a little competition and stuff, and it was really fun! nd you got a lot of info abt the community college hosting it and i learned their program was really good, so the gd versus at internal struggle continued, and i remember talking to my sponsor teacher (she actually taught all three of my tech classes that year aaa i loved her) about how i didnt know what to do and shit and i dunno what she told me but like, i think she was trying to be encouraging but she basically said it was up to me, like she didnt try and nod me into a direction, that i can recall.

so SOMEHOW bc i honestly cannot remember, by senior year i’ve decided that im gonna jus fuck it and pick BOTH and double major in gd and athletic training. AND i had it all planned out, where i was gonna get a degree in gd and open up an online business, and then go into a masters program for at and then enter into the olympic field.

by this point creative writing is still cool and a great hobby but i couldnt possibly double major AND have a minor that’d be too much. id still love to take a cw course tho one day.

basically a buncha crazy stuff happened that first semester but by winter break i had an acceptance letter to a uni a couple hours north of home with a good accredited undergrad program (accredited basically means you graduate w a masters in four years so its fasttracked which woulda been great but uh..) and by the time i found out that next semester that they were doing away with the accredited program i was already too emotionally invested to consider panic-switching(panic bc it was february and id already been admitted hah...) but i decided it’d be okay. basically if you dont remember/werent around one of my school’s head ats died in a car crash died around early october ‘16. she went to undergrad where i go now, and i’d talked to her about it september that semester wondering if she knew anything abt their program and uh surprise, she’d done the same program small world. after the funeral in november and a ton of thought i applied there. (november was.. crazy in general last year. rly crazy)

may was when i started adding on sports to the future olympics job, bc i started thinking about it and after finally getting a friend to watch yuri on ice, he started making his was through all of sochi’s figure skating stuff, and then the 2010 vancouver olympics, and i decided i wanted to recap a bit on that too.

the 2010 olympics was really my first experience with figure skating. i’m a west texas gal and so theres not a lot out here to get exposed to, so seeing these best-of-the-best class sports was fun, and the earliest experience i can remember of such. i was in fifth grade so i dont remember a ton, but i do remember being captivated by korea’s yuna kim, who won gold that year in fs. shes an fs legend at this point, so if you’re into figure skating and don’t know who she is, go look her up. you wont be disappointed.

in 2012 was the london olympics. i remember a lot from it, like watching the opening ceremony with my parents and seeing the queen jump out of a helicoptor(which is like,, still cool to this day wow) and being fascinated my michael phelps and all the swimming he did so grandly. it was also my first real exposure to diving. the oldest i could recall anything abt the sport was at a pizza hut somewhere.. in town i think, and i was w my best friend at the time and my mom was there so i think maybe we were on the way back from the lake??? sounds right, i think. and we were talking abt how i always held my nose when i went underwater bc i didnt know how to not get water all up my nostrils and be underwter(and i still dont to this day aha) and she mentioned like, joining a diving team would be cool! would help me get over it and all! and i like recalling it dunno what she was talking abt bc we lived in dirt city nothing so i highly doubt there was or is any sort of diving sport happening. swimming, yeah maybe, there were lessons at pools and bodyworks areas around town, competitive teams im not sure tho, but not diving like at all so??? dunno.

so my next and technically first real experience with it was watching the london olympics. and i thought, wow, this is so neat!! i watched from that one day like the opening events, and i think i was old enough to search online like yea i had a laptop by then so i looked up the schedule for the things i wanted to see most of, and i ended up watching i think most of the diving events (i missed a couple for.. archery, i think? maybe?) and absolutely loving it. iunno what it was, maybe something i never thought i could do?(bc not hold my nose?? while i dove???????? scaryy) but i enjoyed it a bunch.

i was older when sochi was a thing, my 8th grade year. i was able to appreciate things a lot more. when i tuned into events, tony hawk and snowboarding were the main focus, but figure skating was on a lot as well. i had a tv in my room by that point, so if i didnt like what was playing on the main tv, i could go watch another event. i learned a lot of names and faces through that, and so while my bff was watching it our senior year if i was with him id point out skaters and their nationalities and stuff, like yuzuru hanyus always been a modern day household name w figure skating, but i leanred abt him BECAUSE of the sochi olympics, and he was one of the ones i’ve never forgotten. i really really liked it, so much that i watched worlds after, and around the same time my fr year, i tuned in to just the worlds championship again. i didn’t pick up trying to watch grand prix(which is their regular season, for those unaware) season until my junior year, and most of it was day-or-two-late videos from youtube, since the ice channel i think it a paid-for thing (i still dont know much abt it hah) and nothing was on tv otherwise, aside from the skate america event. but since that first time after sochi, ive always been around watching worlds fs near the beg of each year. i’d familiarized myself by senior year with the fs world, and actually,

early (i think march?) of my junior year, i searched up trying to find a figure skating anime at the time. and what did i find?? ginban, the only figure skating anime at the time. i watched like maybe all of one episode, it was abt a girl who shared her body w the ghost of a former figure skater while she was competing in events, and it was.. okay? lackluster, in the animation dept, but it was a 2005 show so.. yeah.

so after that i was like kk that wasnt good lets find another. and i didnt. not yet, anyway. instead, i found an announcement for violet evergarden’s animated adaptation, and yuri on ice, a realistic adaptation of the sport of figure skating. thats bolded bc its important. i found that shit abt yoi before it even had a promo poster, certainly before the pv came around that got everyone hyped up. i found it bc i was looking for figure skating in the first place. in fact, i think when the pv came out and got popular, i didnt even relate it to the upcoming fs anime i’d read about previously. it took me a bit to connect the dots.

watching yuri on ice at the same time as the gp 2016 season was surreal, but really interesting. i got my bff into it before the second to last episode came out, and i only remember that bc he finally showed any interest when he found something on twitter abt it being gay (newsflash/// hes gay, and before yoi his fav show was no6 bc that was as close as it got. he still rly likes it, we both do, but his solid favc is now definitely yoi. representation matters and all) and was like well now i HAVE to watch it and i was all yes it ends soon so pls. and he watched it twice in a weekend, and thrice before the finale came out, and then a few more times after that, iunno how many times but certainly more thn i have(i went back after the .. maybe ep 10? w/e ending had the after party reveal that changed everything, so i went back to analyze everything before the next ep) and between the week of 11 and finale 12, he started watching the sochi fs competition, and then the 2010 after the show ended w ep 12.

seeing this great fs show and getting a friend into the world of figure skating really renewed my love for it all. before the semester went out i went back and watched the reruns of the sochi fs stuff. and by may i’d decided i wanted to cosider that to be the sport i worked with.

with diving, it took a similar twist. in the form of the rio 16 olympics. i was all over that shit, i downloaded an nbc app on my phone so i could watch events live while i traveled with volleyball to a tournament in dallas and while i was at practice w them at home and generally jus away from the house and a tv. i planned that shit out had a schedule and everything for what i was watching live, and a lot of it was swimming, but a whoooole lot of live stuff was the diving.

in the hotel room in dallas the tv would always be on to w/e olympics events were airing at the time, either track or diving tho, one or the other, or recaps. quite a few girls ended up in the room in the evening and we’d all do stuff and watch in passing at the same time, and it was suuuuuper fun. watching the chinese women perform flawlessly and walk away w all the gold was fun, but finding a good commentator to actually say such was a disheartening challenge( one of the most memorable moments w live commentary that year was hearing a woman say of one of the chinese ladies that she’d done better before, after they revealed her personal best score ever like rly cmon be unbiased and jus passionate abt the sport youre covering pls.

ive always been super fond of the diving scene. it may not be as much as fs, but honestly, i wish i grew up in an area w a diving team now, or wish i could try it out now, bc thats how much fun it seems. i still wanna go up to the big city like 30min away from uni and learn to ice skate in the civic center there, but hands down if i had to pick a sport to join tomorrow or die i’d pick diving.

so also by may, and throughout the culmination of senior year, diving was the second sport on the olympic to-train-for list. you get a five-year contract w the olympics, now i think it’s usa as a whole and i think its by center so say, if i get a job in colorado springs i cant apply in another five years to chula vista or even like lake placid, but iunno for sure. the five-year thing is involved somehow bc i’ve heard it from a physical therapist and trainer-that-works-in-a-sports-med-clinic duo in one body named sarah, who’s been contracted out from the clinic by my high school since junior year also, bc she knows people who’ve worked w the olympics, and then another from church that worked w olympics that knows my family uh iunno how well but i know of him, i think he also works in the clinic as some sort of on-hand surgeon but a diff person than who sarah knew. so its five years somehow and then i’ll take my bfa in gd and open my online business and do that from a studio at home and look after my owl/cat pet combo.

since may, it had been ‘olympics, with either figure skating or diving’. and it stayed that for a long time. now, since a couple weeks ago, and this is again while gp season is happening for fs, its diving. i wanna work w the usa olympic diving team as their team athletic trainer, and i cant do it this summer bc i have to have completed two years of uni, instead of a certain standing, like be a junior, but so NEXT summer, before my senior year of uni, (i came in a sopho so 6 sem only ah) i’m applying for an internship at the center in colorado springs, and that’s the team i hope i work with.

now i tell people, diving, but if i get offered figure skating, i’ll take it, but diving is the goal now. if i love it and wanna continue professionally, great, i can do that and have an online gd shop. and if i decide i want something different? i’ll work olympics and then join w a professional-level figure skating i actually dunno how it works. coach, and their skater in turn. coach, with multiple skaters under them. a culmination of diff usa skaters. w/e, something in the professional fs world.

and thats uh, thats it! dive has been so much fun to watch, and i realize i talk a lot on here about working w basketball and being an at student in general and the vast majority have no idea what i mean, so hopefully this clarifies. thank you!!

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wordsbetweenthelines · 7 years

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hey there self

today you made a HORRIBLE MISTAKE and dug yourself SUPER DEEP into SPOON DEBT

kalie woke you up at like 6. awful.

you listened to lucky like 130 times between going to bed and getting up for realsies

you don’t remember if you slept again or not

mom called about going over to see #2

and then you went

and that was the Horrible Mistake

because you were already running on spoon fumes from the job

but then there was an allegedly male infant. and Change. and people wanting to talk about the birth???

so you spent most of the time hiding in dot’s room listening to lucky some more

because every time you thought it’d be safe someone else would start up again and just. ugh.

you never held #2. nobody ever asked.

you don’t know if you’re sad or relieved by that.

you felt nothing for him.

like, when dot was born? you were in a bad headspace. you’d just come down from several days barricaded in your room. you hadn’t even fully removed the barricade yet. and still, when you saw her, held her, you loved her immediately and unrelentingly.

you don’t love #2.

(and also you kind of hate his name)(henry. has an R in it. potential nicknames: harry (pros: harry potter. cons: continues the royal family allusions. still has an R in it), hank (AWFUL). also: has already been used on: a puppy, a dead goldfish, a stray cat. who the fuck recycles names like that onto their own children)(might as well have named him mitzy)

but you got to vent your concerns and fears and shit with katrina, and she complained with you. about gender prisons, and circumcision, and all of that.

so you felt better. enough to close up the job, anyway.

you cleaned the kitchen and made the beds. katrina scooped the litter boxes. because, as she pointed out: you’re co-housesitters, she had more spoons, and she had +5 motivation just because you didn’t want to.

and then you went HOME

ate your leftover sesame chicken. and egg rolls, you realized, reheat well in the toaster oven.

and then took an eternal nap that wasn’t actually eternal because you’re awake now, but it was basically until dinner time

well, there was stream. you watched most of chicago, but fell asleep during rocky horror picture show

you got paid.

and did your laundry. because even with severe spoon debt, you had zero clean underwears, so laundry had to happen.

UPDATE: stream was still happening as you were ready to sleep, so you popped in for a bit for digital snuggles and a baby ocelot and that helped you feel better

tomorrow

nope

breakfast

put clothes away?

empty dishwasher

sleep

shows?

help make dinner

no dying

#bad brains sabbatical #friendly reminder to leave this post alone if we're not friends #seriously if I don't know you I will block you

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sumergosuigeneris · 5 years

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April 18, 2019 Part I

I love the way The Kids are Alright talks about kids.

Yesterday was exhausting.

I got up early enough to make it to work by 8:15-ish am. Yay! Got all the food set up on time. The talk by boss1 and boss2 was kind of enraging. And I haven’t really been able to talk to anyone about it yet. Not completely. Thankful for here!

Boss1 talked first. He talked about what his new job was gonna be, and how he was still gonna be very embedded with our group, and his vision for the group, which is gonna be very much research-based. It sounded like a) he isn’t really leaving, and b) the group will continue to be his own personal research group, but with more research and more faculty. He did this by talking about how much research and stuff the group has taken on in the years since he’s been there. He talked research a lot. But I felt like he blew my peeps’ group off! And they’re the research group! Also, he talked about how they’re trying to start a department, in a few years, and he expected the dept to be a large part of it. Again, without talking about the research group. Boss2 spoke and basically validated everything he said. All of this is different from what Boss2 had me expecting, so I got pretty upset. What it seemed is there are competing visions for how this split is gonna go, and despite what the brass want, Boss1 was going to continue to push his vision.

The final reason I was genuinely upset - he never actually thanked the dept for what it’s done for him and his career. I talked to someone after and she said he sort of did. That’s not really acceptable.

Then the questions, a lot of which were stupid. Suck up communications person (who always puts her work on me ( I mean, not always, but def when I started, etc) asked about his job. Who cares? This is supposed to be about the dept, not him?

After the meeting, the girl I’m pro/con about immediately went up to Boss2. Suck up. I actually, in the course of all my upsetness, decided to interrupt them. A tiny powerplay (that could have backfired). But also, I was freaking out a little and wanted to talk to Boss2 while it was possible to have a chance. Anyway, she sort of walked herself back a little/validated the meeting. But I told her that while I know I don’t really have any say, he’s trying to keep me for realsy, and I just don’t think the split is tenable. I said I prefer to be 100% either way. So, she’s got the big meeting on Monday. I also freaked out a bit b/c their was a minor issue with the corporate credit card. Not actually my fault, but for a minute it made me feel like I looked bad. Luckily, I didn’t do anything wrong, so we were able to talk it out. Apparently, the proper settings for the corporate credit card aren’t automatic for anyone, including dept heads. We fixed it.

Oh, and I found out that the group, what did I call them? Oh well, I’ll call them J group, some of them found out even further in advance than the day before! From clients?!?!?!?!

I had my shrink appt today. I ended up with us getting some free food, so I was trying to take care of it, so everyone didn’t steal it without me getting any. But a student came in who was late for a meeting (his english was very bad, relatively speaking) and was in the wrong location and freaking out. So, since i had to pop across town anyway, I went with him to get him where he’s going. And was 10 minutes early for my appointment!

I did see milquetoast. He may not have seen me, but I suspect he did glance over me. That was weird. The appointment went okay. Shrink didn’t know about the drama of the therapy ending, and gave me a chance to tell her. And said we were good. And if I did want to go back, she’d make sure it happened (but she said it discreetly lol). That was kind of awesome. But I’m smart enough to know this was a good thing really. We talked about my suspicion that I need a different kind of therapy. We talked about the fact that I probably need to stay on the meds at the levels I’m at, and pursue therapy. I was able to talk about how I hate it, but given a) my insistence on no addicting meds, and b) the issues with experimenting with new drugs, and c) I haven’t gotten everything possible out of therapy, it just makes sense. It was my decision. I think she would have pushed back if she thought it was a bad decision. Or if I wanted something bad, she might have tried to get me to come around to this decision lol. Also, her year ends at the end of June, so...I got my announcement long enough in advance to process lol. I cried in there. So yeah, I’m not in a great place, but it is what it is. There’s no miracle cure.

I waited around trying to meet with the J team and see if their manager had any news. But I didn’t have my laptop so I couldn’t work and I put a time limit on waiting. Chatted with used to be almost friends coworker. She’s the one that thinks he said thanks. Eh. Some people are worried about their jobs. She’s on a grant, so the thing she was worried about was whether boss1 is staying on it. He is, so she’s happy - too many new people on their group right now for her to welcome change.

Then I went to a place I’ve been avoiding 6 months for fear of seeing anyone I know, with two of the group. The only thing they could say was that they weren’t concerned about there being a new dept without them, because a) it’s years down the line, and b)they’d have to hire faculty (said as if they thought the u wouldn’t). I disabused them of that. Anyway, they’re not worried.

Okay. Whatever.

Got back and work friend was finally out of the manager’s office. I had to get back to location 2, so we walked outside together. I had to tease it all out of her, but yes, they are not allowed to pursue their own research agendas any longer - which is a major impact on 3, maybe 4 careers. Hopefully I’ll get the rest of the scoop today. And hopefully better answers on Monday. She did touch me again, and it’s getting frustrating. It’s not hugs, but damn it.

No one touched the food at my desk, but as soon as they saw I’d put it in the fridge, people were freaking out! I was planning on bringing it over to location1 b/c they liked it and never get leftovers, but that was kaboshed.

I met a few deadlines. The latinx group thing was a piece of work! After everything we went through to get them to use the corporate credit card, they told us they wouldn’t use it. And we had to give them a ton of justification. It took me some time to get untired, and focused, but I got it done, and it was good. I overdid the hell out of it because it’s fucking ridiculous. OUR BUDGET WAS APPROVED ALREADY!!!!!!!!! Just to send 9 people to fucking (cheap) conference.

And trying to get a bunch of last minute shit done. I stayed until 5:30pm! I would have stayed later, but I was wiped. Also, I forgot to mention. The day started off overcast and chilly - and ended up kind of muggy and warm. So I was hot as hell with all the running around. I walked between locations 1 & 2 but I almost didn’t bc it was so warm. And after work, I wanted/knew i needed to go for a walk to physically process the day. But I also knew that if I drove home to go for a walk, I wouldn’t. So I walked at work. I’ve been meaning to for the whole 1 1/2 year I’ve been there, but never did. I finally did last night. It was different. The view was nice. But I’m not a fan for walking. Biking yes, and maybe rollerblading. It was too straight, so it always seemed I’d gone farther than I actually had, and boring outside of the view. And it’s right next to a highway, so loud as hell. But I’m glad I went. But boy were my feet TIRED.

I went back to work with pettiness on my mind. I had decided that since I couldn’t take all the leftovers to location1, I’d take some of the pastries, and eat the hell out of the fruit plate. And I did. I had an italian beer - yummy, and 1 pastry, and ate so.much.fruit. I made myself sick but it was a definite impact on the fruit lol. So petty. I’d wanted a hamburger, but I was so full by the fruit, I couldn’t do it. I got home, vegged for a few bit, and bed. I’m also bummed to say, none of my twits took off. Not even my bracket. :( There’s got to be an algorithm.

I got up today and actually made myself put in a load of laundry!

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