everytime i try to like that post for bad influence it kills it 💔 dont know whyyy....sad well. ill watch the movie soon BTW (soon meaning either in a few days or a few months)

the reason why is i get sillayy about the way posts are ordered on my blog so i need to delete and rb it in a different order LOL omg im so excited to hear that though whenever u get around to it.... i havent seen the passenger yet but from the things u guys have said it. well it doesnt have a similar vibe the stories are very different but yeah nah the Vibe seems similar. just more 90s. i hopeu like it whenever u get around to it

First off, I'd like to apologise for my atrocious tagging. I ramble, attempt to stop myself, because I'm bat shit insane, and I'm aware I become *more* bat shit insane as I go, and then when I tag I repeat that cycle. I don't think anyone's ever kept up with my rambling when I get going, because it just gets worse and worse.

On a different note..... Is there really any issue with staying up all night to do the work I've been meaning to do all day?..... All yesterday at this point??? Cause like..... I've pavloved (is that the right term?) myself into just....... Not feeling tired if my LEDs are on. And like, specifically my LEDs, if my lights are on, I can conk out easy, LEDs, no go. But like... If I'm not careful (or just too lazy that day) I can end up awake at 4am without so much as a yawn and a wake up time of 3 hours. And objectively I know that's bad, but like.... I'm behind on work, and I always will be, so I see no issue with getting it done when I actually have the energy to get it done. Screw normal working/waking hours, I only really get motivation in a) certain environments and/or b) late in the evening/early morning and it's an and/or because depending on the day, I can brain function during school hours, surprisingly well, but some days I'm dead till like 3pm, or later.

Anyway.... I've been struggling with my human interaction recently, so of course I turn my attention to the Internet, and must splurge all my thoughts to it, and I apologise, and so now I shall start tagging and then leave you all in peace.

please elaborate on why prof. sycamore is a sad character! I'd love to know why :D

i'd love toooooo !! ♡ tysm for askingg i'm sooo happy to finally ramble abt it ♡♡ it's been in my wee little brain since forever agooo </3 i'm so sorry this took forever to get around to answering i just wanted to make sure it was kinda coherent ^^

( this is all v surface level analysis & my own silly interpretation of the text </3 just a warning this is v long & bland & highly self indulgent !! please check my little tags btw i tried my best to cover all the subject matter just in case ♡♡♡ )

of course the obvious overarching factor is that his friend is ( i'm not going to use the exact descriptor/s but we know what they are ) the head of a villainous organisation & just passed away. and grief is a pretty prevalent theme in p.erf.ectwo.rld shipping as it is , so it's not like saying ' sycamore is sad ' is a huge revelation by any means , but i think it goes a little deeper than that

as much as the couriway dialogue gets torn apart it's ( to me ) very revealing about how sy.camore deals with conflict in interpersonal relationships and grief as a whole . it's always been a little heartbreaking to me that he

⟢ starts off by apologising for actions that weren't his own ( which to a degree is fair given what i'll say later but he does this quite a bit in both this game and pmex to the point where it's pretty apparent that he's actively harboring a lot of self blame ? i think he actually says this outright ) which is a relatively common thing to do when it comes to a loss of this kind* so it's understandable

⟢ i should have highlighted the sentence before it as well but he admits to never having ' that discussion ' with him . in my mind , they've discussed their beliefs at length before and i think somewhere in the midst of this and maybe sometime after , augustine absolutely did provide some form of push back / challenge lysand.re on this subject but VERY quickly found out that he gets very heated and is very adamant about his position to the point of being somewhat verbally aggressive , which only becomes worse even when not challenged on said beliefs as he fixates on them further ( it's in my mind why when lys.andre is outwardly like ' those people are filth and should be eradicated ' to a stranger / fourteen year old , augustine's like ' wow ! how passionate :] ' not because he's blind to it but because he's actively trying to laugh it off ) my favourite take away from this ( because when characters have flaws it makes them more human and i loove that ) is that syc.amore is highly non confrontational and a bit of a people pleaser ( <- ALSO something i'll talk about later ) to the point it's slightly negligent in the long run , i suppose ? which perhaps isn't the best word to use ! i'm not sure , but i hope you get what i mean ? ( i think it's very much the case of ' if you don't want to listen to me / don't want my help i won't make the situation uncomfortable by hassling you / i have enough respect to assume you know what's best for yourself because i see the good in everyone and i have faith you'll come around ) my general thought is that he was either waiting for the right time to talk to him about it or genuinely had faith that his friend would come to his senses eventually which unfortunately meant just turning a blind eye to it in the meantime until eventually there was just no way to approach him whatsoever

⟢ back to the topic of him apologising for / on behalf of lysan.dre's actions ( which is understandable but not at all fair ) he wasn't exactly there for that whole conflict during end game ( which i think is actually really interesting to speculate about as to why , but regardless ) those are fourteen year old children under his care that are trying to stop his friend from wiping out the populus and , again , i know this is 𝒃𝒂𝒃𝒊𝒆 𝒈𝒂𝒎𝒆 but the ramifications that'd have on a young person's psyche and mental wellbeing , especially considering they more or less watch him pass away , is insane to think about . so now you have the conundrum of ' not only did i discover my friend's a terrorist , now he's dead and my trainers were there to witness it ' ( <- lots of calls to make & lots of parents to apologise to )

⟢ on the other hand i cannot fathom , in a very short span of time ( i'm pretty sure that announcement is in the same day as the ultimate weapon being deployed ) , finding out and having to process a . ) that your very close friend is a leader of a terrorist organisation your assistants ( who are also young adults/ at risk ? ) have been investigating b . ) what that terrorist organization actually plans to do / that it's PROBABLY going to be the end of the world before the day is over c . ) during those 15 or so hours - however long it took from the announcement to happen to the ultimate weapon activating - realising ' i don't know where my kids are :] ' ( because to give him the benefit of the doubt i think i'd also go back and forth being like ' the league will deal with it or interpol / surely my trainers wouldn't go there / do their parents know ? / who do i call first / how long would it take for me to get to geosenge & what is or isn't on lockdown ? etc. ' ) so this probably contributes to the guilt factor as well

⟢ although it's absolutely highly inpropor to mention ' oh my friend's dead and i'm sad ' to the literal children that were just there for that whole ordeal ( why would you want to complicate the situation further ? ) , he dances around this a lot . he actively brushes it off with thanking ca.lem / ser.ena directly after apologising / the battle that takes place afterwards he says " well enough about that ! " which just comes off as the most " anyway . moving on . let's not think about it ! " type of statement i've ever heard especially when he's like " i have a parade to plan " . i'm still really ? weirded out by this in a way ? ( it's 𝒃𝒂𝒃𝒊𝒆 𝒈𝒂𝒎𝒆 i know but still )

⟢ this is quite a reach but it feels like since ly.sandre is burried under ft and ft of rubble this is the closest thing to a funeral he can throw ( very very speculatory but i believe that during this he imagines it as a celebration of his life - for the man he knew rather than the man he became - and that's how he's experiencing the parade internally ; mentally saying his goodbyes or at the VERY LEAST thinks about him while it's ongoing ) , for one , and for two it's feels like a distraction for the kids in terms of the gravity of what just occurred but this is all highly speculatory on my part he's going through so much guilt and internal blame that he's probably thinking ' the best thing i can do for these children is making the situation lighter ' which is why he's strangely positive and decides to throw the parade so quickly in the first place

⟢ taking this idea even further , i believe that after the events of the game he goes through the whole thought process of ' am i allowed to grieve considering he was objectively a terrible person ? ' augustine's still a very important and important figure of kalos society , not just to his lab , so i imagine the answer for a long time is ' no ' , at least outwardly , while he's internally working through the nuances of the whole thing ( eg . you can mourn the person they were while still acknowledging what they did was horrific , death* is never anyone's fault , etc . ) . my thought is that he thinks the best thing he can do is just smile and continue on / mask for the sake of everyone else which is ultimately to his own detriment ( * i don't want to use the term for what kind of a death it was - i think we know / can infer - but i think that adds another layer of complexity to what augustine's actually going through so it's fair to mention ⸻ tl;dr : augustine has a fair bit of survivors guilt )

⟢ there's also the question of ' would he be interviewed / investigated in terms of his association to l.ysandre by interpol ' considering they are working on such post - game and i can't imagine how that affects him either ; having to recount their conversations and exchanges probably only serves to pour salt in very fresh wounds also would have ly.sandre left him anything ? probably ! whether that was his lab or just money ( considering that in the manga , ly.sandre is augustine's sponsor / benefactor ) that's probably not good for his mental health either . he admires the work he did and probably wants him to have a good legacy but again , how on earth do you even go about that ? do you even do that ? between solicitors meetings and police interrogation and the news coverage that'd probably be circulating the media for months i don't think he'd be faring too well </3

⟢ another weird little side bar is that the letter at couriway states he ' never knew what he wanted to be ' and considering he left this for his future self once he got to kalos ( i have a post about this on main ) i'm assuming he was already in his very early twenties when he wrote this ? i won't get too deep into it but there are some things i head canon surrounding being a pupil of ro.wans alongside a prodigy like cy.nthia that'd give you a bit of a knock to your self esteem ( why he says he's not good at battling when he's pretty decent actually ? ) + the fact he found out what he wanted to do later in life but can't use me.ga evo probably doesn't help ( <- just a very small thing because i think he's very positive in spite of this and it doesn't get to him all too much )

⟢ on top of all this as well , he's recently discovered this

that's my tangent :3 ty for cominggg , like i said i've thought abt this for aaages but was always too scared to actually talk about it considering i'm not the most analytical or well spoken person </3 tysm for indulging meeee i hope ur having the most lovely start to ur weekend !! ty for letting me play againnnn ^^ ♡♡

♡ lilac’s 100 follower milestone raffle! ♡

hello everyone!   ♡

i’ve hit 100 followers and i am just. so so sO happy abt it !!! thank u all for just. listen to me gush and ramble and rant abt my f/os all the time FDJKFGKH and i wanted to thank u sooo i had an idea! i wanted to thank you all with a raffle!!!!! :D

the rules are very simple! ^^ 

this raffle is for followers only, but you can follow if you want, just not just because of this raffle so u can unfollow when its all done! if you’re a sideblog, pls say what ur main blog is if you are following or liking! (if you feel uncomfy w sharing it publicly, u can dm me with ur main! :D)

a reblog and like will count as two entries! whoever enters will be put into a random wheel generator so i can pick the winners later on! (multiple reblogs do not count as multiple entries!)

i will be announcing who wins the prizes on the 12th of march! there will be 3 winners!

if you win at all, please do not ask for any gory, nsfw, adult x child, abusive or offensive art.

if you have read all the rules and want to enter, please tag with ‘#lilac’s lovely raffle’ (cheesy ik but it fits my brand /j SDFFDKGF)

1st prize winner will receive: a waist up shaded, coloured soft sketch of them/their s/i and their f/o!

2nd prize winner will receive: a bust up shaded, coloured soft sketch of them/their s/i and their f/o!

3rd prize winner will receive: a bust up, flat coloured soft sketch of them/their s/i and their f/o!

i will dm winners after i’ve announced them, if the winner(s) do not respond within 24 hours, i will choose a new winner!

heres examples of my art if you want to see! (i am currently drawing in a new style so there aren’t very many examples, i apologise </3)

good luck to everyone participating! 💕🌸

dni: pro-shippers, racists, anti-blm, sexists, homophobes, TERFs, maps/pedos, kink/primarily nsfw accs

SEND THIS TO EVERYONE WHO MADE YOU FEEL HAPPY IN 2020

ahhhh barbara (@farthest-stars) thank you so much for your kind words!! 💕💕 you’re such a lovely, genuine person, and it’s truly a pleasure to know you. wishing you the happiest possible 2021 because you absolutely deserve it 💕💕

(@glorfindels) angie my LOVE, where would i be without you!!! i don’t even know where to start.... you’re without a doubt the coolest person i’ve ever met! why you’d want to be friends with me i don’t know, but i’m not complaining! your blog, your edits, your energy, just you make me smile on a daily basis. and don’t even THINK about apologising for those unanswered messages, my love for you is unconditional 🥰🥰 hope you have a wonderful christmas however you’re spending it, and an even better new year

(@frodo-baggins) rose, my darling, i’m sending you all of the love and hugs and tenderness that i can muster!! 💕💕 my GOD do you deserve a happy ending to this year.....you’re the strongest person i know, and your strength and perseverance keeps me going when i’m feeling down. cause despite everything you’re still maintaining a KILLER blog, cracking out gorgeous edits, and being generally lovely and kind and patient - which sound like lame compliments but are qualities that some people on this site are sorely missing! thank you for listening to all of my rants and rambles too 🥰🥰 wishing you the most stress-free christmas there ever was! lots of love

(@sirhenry) what can i say jordan, you absolutely KILLED IT this year!! gracing us with daily haldir/eomer edits.....we don’t deserve you! your productivity was equal parts intimidating and inspiring for me, but definitely motivated me to open up photoshop for the first time in a while 💕💕 i know you decided to take a break last month and i really hope you’re feeling settled and rested as we approach the holidays. have a lovely christmas my dear

(@thcrin) ALEX!! what a legend! your blog is goals, your edits are *biggest chef’s kiss*, and you just seem so funny and so cool, you give me the biggest blogger envy (is that a thing?!) you always seem so upbeat and positive, and that’s catching lemme tell ya! simply seeing you on my dash puts in me in a good mood 🥰🥰 i hope you have a fantastic christmas and new year, however or wherever you’re spending it

(@arofili) if no one’s said this to you already, anna, then allow me..... thank you so much for everything you’ve done this year!! you do sooo much for this fandom even if you don’t realise it. you’re so supportive of creators, you share art and fics that i wouldn’t see otherwise (not to mention your own fics which are i n c r e d i b l e ! ! ) thank you for all the events that you’ve organised this year, for @tolkiengenweek and @finweanladiesweek.....and probably more that i missed! it feels like you really bring the fandom together, and there’s a wonderful sense of community on your blog that i don't feel anywhere else. your presence is so warm and welcoming, and you make this site a nicer place to be. thank you 💕💕

sending lots of love to all those blogs who i mainly interact with via tag games.....BUT WHO I WISH I COULD BE IRL FRIENDS WITH!!! seriously guys, we need to talk more 🥰🥰 semi (@southfarthing), vanessa (@going-there-and-back-again), @arewefallingstars, ashley (@kilioferebor), @legoilas, @heraldofgilgalad, and pauli (@swordwieldingeowyn) - possibly the nicest bunch of people i’ve ever met?? seeing you guys on my dash or in my notes always puts the biggest smile on my face. and i DO wish we knew each other better, cause you give off such wonderful, happy, sunshine vibes - i can’t explain it!! it’s honestly a blessing to share the internet with you 💕💕 hope you all have lovely holidays and the 2021s you deserve!!

massive appreciation to @et-earello for keeping all of our dashes stocked full of tolkien content this year! and to @gamjawo and @arlenianchronicles for creating some of the most gorgeous art i’ve ever seen from this fandom. honestly i could (and do) stare at your stuff for hours!! i can’t wait to see what you guys do in 2021 💕💕

and this wouldn’t be a 2020 roundup without thanking the merlin fandom for continuing to survive fucking thrive after all these years. holy crap how do you guys do it?!? @onceandfutureprat, @arthurpendragonns, @ughmerlin, @mrgana, @merlinsprat, @ladyofthelake, @lao-pendragon - you guys make some of the most BEAUTIFUL edits and art i’ve ever seen! your energy and love for the fandom is so contagious, i love it! much like the show itself, you make me laugh, you make me cry.... you’re such a special group of people and i wish you all the happiest of holidays 💙❤️💙❤️

and one final shoutout to those mutuals (who i can’t believe are mutuals?!?) who brighten my dash every day: @visenyatargaryen, @ellrond, @meredithsdardenne, @feanope, @daenerys-targaryen, @theleavesoflorien, @catboykacchan, @evilnerdproductions, @mae-carnen-brego, and @absynthe--minded. i love you all and this site simply wouldn’t be the same without you 💚💛💜💚💛💜

LMAO YOU ACTUALLY PUT THE TW VIOLENCE HAHAGDSHS

so the better university is in germany.. you already live in germany.. but germans aren't good as good at english lol and lemme get this straight- UNIVERSITY IN GERMANY IS- wait shit Imaooo i read that wrong, I THOUGHT IT WAS 75¢ HDJSHS like 3 quarters😭 but that's still less expensive compared to the US, 75€ is about 90$ here... i just googled it and (apparently) college is typically around $27,000 in my state (22,588€ i think lol) but wowee gee whiz. i think waiting till you’re physically there is the best decision though, just really seeing how it is, how you like it and stuff. BUT WAIT Imao i'm rereading what you said as i'm responding, but the university sounds good!! hopefully your professor isn't the one writing the english on the website Imaoo. your english is fine hdhsjsh & why are you up at 3am😭

i'm literally jumping around udhsj but no that did absolutely make sense hahah i just really enjoy talking to you & wanted to tell you what's up lol but yay we're around the same age hdhagajs

+ yes i have !!! thank you LMAO I BET YOURE NOT THAT BAD JHDJS that whole paragraph actually made me laugh. dude i could neverrr write a script where people have to act it out? lmao it would not be pretty (though i need to work on that) well if you’re not good at acting, you’re hella good at writing (I FINISHED THE ENTIRETY OF UR PETER MASTERLIST AND I AM EMPTY & I AM SCREAMING- i’ll send in another ask on my favorites and all my replies bc WAH they had such an affect on me.......... it’s not ok. like affectttt)

HAHHAA “trash garbage” yea... she was helpful in helping me get my first lead on stage but yea that school as a whole was pretty 💩 but honestly thank youuu <3 my new favorite thing? “thump them in the eye with a sharp metal rod” i think i have one in the basement LMAO

that was a joke...... i think this will also need a tw..... but all my asks are messy lmaoo- not me missing the heritage thing in the tags: that’s so cool!! i’m guessing you’ve been the england since your mom is british? knowing two languages sounds so cool😔 and you speak really good english btw (is that rude-) OOHH so you’re german bc you were born in germany but none of your blood family is german & ur mom is british? bRO that’s so cool like literally 😎 i wanna travel so bad and the UK is first on the list (probably in two years.. i do really wanna study abroad or be a foreign exchange student or something) then Jamaica (bc that’s where my mom is from and i’ve never been) and then all the pretty countries lol

have a good day/night idk lol it took me really long to write this + idk why jdhsjshsj

- lovely anon 🥰

OKAY HI OMG (I was about to say giiirrrl but i never asked for your pronouns or anything so let me know if it’s okay if i say giiiiirl in the future lol)

I saw this at 3 am and got so excited lol but my sleeping schedule has been so awful lately that I forced myself to sleep instead of replying to this 😔

Okay so... if you put it like THAT then yes, the university in germany sounds a lot better lol. But yeah like you said I won’t fully decide until I’ve actually been to university (well, it’s online but ykwim) and that starts in april and honestly i can’t wait sksjshh but yeah i’m like 90% sure that i’ll be staying here already. And yes let’s pray that it’s not one of my professors who writes the shit on the website sishshg😭

also what you said about wanting to be a foreign exchange student or studying abroad... i felt that. but even if i end up studying in germany, with my degree, you have to either do an 8week programme (program? idk) where you go to an english speaking country,,, or you do a whole semester studying abroad so i’ll probably go to england one way or another lol and i can always do my masters in the uk (if i do a masters degree i haven’t even figured out what i’m doing this year let alone in three years loll)

Also I really have to stop saying lol so often lol

Also I have to stop saying also at the beginning of every sentence lol

Also (😔) i enjoy talking to you too 👉🏼👈🏼 you don’t know how happy i get whenever i see that you sent me an askd sjsjhshshs

And yupp i used to go to england like three times a year but because of cov*d i haven’t seen any of my english relatives since 2019🥺🥲 BUT the uk is so so so nice i love London but I also love the country side and esp the north of england 🥰🥰🥰 (that’s where most of my relatives are) and yes you deffffff need to visit one day!!!!!!!

Also (also is such a good word tho sksjsh) likeee i definitely don’t think it’s rude when people say my english is good dkdhsg so thank you 😌 but if you heard me speak english irl, i don’t have a german accent or anything and i’m 100% fluent but writing like this is different because it’s like... it’s not an essay so obviously not every sentence has to be 100% grammatically correct but i always worry that, because people know english isn’t my first language (only because i’ve told them), people think my english is bad and that i’m making mistakes when really it’s normal to just.. not use 100% grammatically correct word constructions all the time if that makes sense...? (I don’t think it does 👁👄👁 this was the worst paragraph i’ve written in my life i’m SORRY ksjshs, usually i’d delete this but i feel comfortable talking to you so even if it doesn’t make sense i’m not deleting my rantssjshsh)

And yup, speaking multiple languages is (in my opinion) one of the coolest things ever, i’m fluent in english and german, i had latin from year 7-12 so even though it’s not a language that people speak anymore, learning latin was one of the coolest experiences of my life (which sounds so lame dkshshs) because obviously in all the roman languages soo many words come from latin, so sometimes when i hear/read words in languages that i don’t even speak i can tell what it means thanks to latin. I can also kindaaaaaaaa speak/understand italian (where like 90% of words are the same as in latin or even some english and german words so i never had to study the vocabulary in school skshsh) and a liiiiiiittle tiny bit of french and serbian. I know quite a few people who speak 3+ languages because a lot of my friends are the same as me and have parents who aren’t german so they speak their dad’s language, their mum’s language AND german and it’s like the most fascinating thing in the world for me

I HAVE TO STOP TALKING NOW I’M SO SORRY WHATDKSKSJSNSMHDS

And ooohhhh my mum’s best friend is from Jamaica and my mum has allllll these beautiful pictures from when they went to jamaica together when they were younger (goals)🥺🥺🥺 so i really hope you can visit one day✨✨✨ (i wanna go to jamaica too one day sksjs but i think it’s even cooler if you’re like actually jamaican obviously and it’s linked to your heritage)

OKAY THIS IS LONGER THAN SOME OF MY FICS I AM SO SO SO SORRY SKSHSBAKSKSHSJAHAHABA but i enjoy talking to you so i shouldn’t really apologise but still like what was the point of all my rambling? Nothing basically dksjsh also I feel like i keep talking about myself but idk what to say and likeee i don’t even know, so how has your life been since covid? (That’s My attempt to ask about YOU lmao tell me whatever you want about yourself sksjsh)

Okay byeee 💖💖💖💖💖

Edit: i realised i haven’t said anything about you finishing/reading everything on my peter masterlist AHSJSKKSBSBSSBSB thank you thank you thank you, sooo i can’t promise anything but i will most likely post a new fic this weekend... but idk if it’s going to be good? I randomly started writing it last night and i definitely like the plot but i’m always so insecure about my actual writing and wording but yeah... ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️