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kryetara · 4 years

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IRA J. DUNHAM HEROIN.

following on from my first post regarding ira and vices (link), the time has come for me to dive into his addiction to the class a drug heroin. clearly a difficult subject matter, so drug abuse content warnings apply going forward, including also issues of sexuality and mental health.

0 1 . BEGINNING. right from his initial formative years, it’s clear that ira is the sort of person that struggles with confidence and self-image. something that is, generally speaking, natural to his personality, but partially driven into him by a childhood that was less than exceptional ; first and foremostly, his distaste for self coming largely from a difficult relationship with an emotionally unavailable father figure. andrew duhnam is a quiet man that says very little, rarely showing emotion and finding it extremely difficult even to appease his wife and daughter, let alone a son he finds it impossible to communicate with ; his own lack of confidence as a husband and father finding it’s way to infecting ira all the same with his own manifestations of it, teaching him over time to bottle things up as oppose to letting them out, to keep a tight lid on your emotions and don’t let them spew. his mother siobhan’s firm bond with her daughter samantha, the eldest of the two and the most favourable in and outside of school, causes her unrest when attempting to figure out her son due to her need to compare them ; especially amplified by andrew’s near non-existence in the family. as ira grows and discovers in his teenage years that he has an attraction to men, he is further driven into himself like a hermit crab ---- too embarrassed even before at the prospect of being a poor son, now doubly so at the idea of him being even more a deviation to their normal. a typical middle-to-lower-class family in northern english suburbs in the 90s, this was just after the conservative government under prime minister margaret thatcher passed section 28 of the local government act ; banning local authorities from ‘promoting homosexuality’ and prohibiting the funding of educational materials and subjects that were perceived to support it ---- meaning students like ira couldn’t discuss their changing feelings and wouldn’t receive any help understanding it.

0 2 . THE NEED FOR DISTANCE. having made it to an age where he could consider leaving home for university, a family life that had now become one of almost total avoidance of each other ; andrew spent more evenings holed up in the working men’s club than he did even looking in his son’s direction ; ira felt an impending frustration to escape, and to put up walls between himself and his difficult life at home, additionally in the midst of his parents bordering on divorce. having not divulged his attraction to men to anyone beside one of his friends, of who rejected his attempt at an advance, ira decided he would disappear to a university three hours down to the south of england in the bustling expanse that is london city ------ wishing he could study history, but at the bequest of his mother ( pleased, at-least, that he was going to study ), studying law and finance. the transition from being trapped by absent authorities in his household, to being met with such consuming freedom, was overwhelming for him to say the least, and ira spent a long time hiding most often in his room in the standard student accommodation ; but as he began to make friends on his course and in his lodgings, with this came the inevitable hedonism of teenage life. exclusive to ira however was a need to match his peers and to yet go even further, perhaps driven by his feelings of frustration for being locked so tightly in his shell, labelling ira to become something of an ‘enabler’ ; constantly pushing others to keep drinking more, and, eventually, taking more, even beyond the point of it being bad for their well-being ( a total self projection --- if he saw someone drinking or taking excessive amounts of substances, he felt it was suitable for him to do it too ). ira’s relationship with drugs begins with smoking weed, but his fascination for people involved in drug dealings opened him to a very different world than what he was used to. to spite his sheltered life, and in need of something that cut out the constant feeling of inadequacy, ira adopted a ‘try anything’ motto ; that no drug could escape his use, even if it was just once. in all actuality, ira ended up doing just weed, mdma, lsd, and on various occasions cocaine. but it was a brush one night, accompanying a friend to somewhere he didn’t know for a party, that people were injecting themselves there ; and from what he could see, the results were quite enviable. this drug is heroin. the year, at this time, is 2008.

0 3 . DISGUISING REALITY. heroin, also known as smack, skag, and gear ( most common nicknames ira has used for it in the past, though not the only ones, as he liked to refer to it often as his ‘girlfriend’ ), is a drug usually in white-brown to brown powder form, that is made from morphine, and extracted from opium poppies. the unrivalled intensity of it’s effects were for ira an immediate success in his efforts to remove himself from life around him ; to cut out those feelings of self-distaste. the euphoria it presented him with was unparalleled, unmatched by any other drug, any drink, any feeling ; to not enhance reality around him or to distort it, but to simply make him uncaring of it ; it was always going to be a recipe for disaster. ira began by smoking it, inhaling the fumes when burnt on foil, but soon was introduced to injecting it, of which the hit is much faster and more intense. initially cautious and denying injecting heroin at first, but warming to the prospect over time, as friends he made that also enjoyed the drug demonstrated it’s tidal wave effects. when he took heroin, he found that his anxieties and pains in life were numbed so effectively, that by the time he came around, he’d enjoyed life far too much a few hours before, when these feelings melted into nothing. it was immediately apparent to ira that life with those thoughts cut out was a much more preferable existence. heroin’s addictive quality is also simultaneously it’s most destructive, and it is the feeling of numbness that ira craves the most deeply ; that illustrious mind wipe, that ocean of dopamine. so thus a chase is born, and ira spends the next 6 years of his life on and off this extremely dangerous drug. it’s likely also that ira becomes so quickly hooked on it as a result of his peers about him using it, and his need to blend into the background and ‘fit in’ amongst others, to be unnoticeable, also fuelled his first few uses of it, and the beginning of injecting it ; the drug however eventually demonstrating to him that his life wasn’t just bearable, but enjoyable, when using it.

0 4 . DRUGS OR ME. ira first attends a rehabilitation clinic, of which was nhs funded, at age 24 in 2010, not too long after leaving university. this is persuaded of him by his older sister, of who discovered ira’s intravenous drug use after coming to visit him one day out the blue. he remains in rehab for the space of a month, able to kick the withdrawal cycle, but this pattern doesn’t stick, and ira would then revisit rehab innumerable times from this point forward. this being the first year that ira’s family find out about his drug abuse, sam and his mother siobhan attempt to try and help him as best they can, offering him a place in their homes, but most instances such as this are declined, likely as a result of ira’s shame for his actions, and for lying about passing his second two years in university. his father andrew still remains passive and largely uncontactable, again, much to siobhan’s downfall, and this burden then appears to lie most heavily with sam ; perhaps maternally, wishing in some way to protect her younger brother. ira, however, still struggling to admit that he feels unconnected to his family and feels as though he doesn’t belong with them, allows this to underline his actions, and more often than not ignores them, leaves texts unanswered, dodges phonecalls, unwilling to try. this allows the void between them to grow, and in the space where his absence lives, the anxiety and pain felt by his mother and sister spreads like a vine ; frustration on all ends ; ira, for his guilt and his displacement, sam for her inability to help and for ira’s self-imposed distance, and siobhan for her helplessness and pain for her son’s addiction. as time progresses and ira found his supply of money wearing thin, he would often pick up communications again, largely with his mother ; asking for some pennies here, some pounds there ; always with different stories. siobhan, though aware of where her money was likely going, found it impossible to say no to him, happy enough he was speaking to her and that she could hear his voice, and sent it over without question ; though the moment sam found out, this, to the largest extent, stopped. relations began to deteriorate even further as ira and sam would often have heated arguments over the phone, and it was clear that life was soon to reach a crescendo. this came in the form of ira visiting for a weekend, and stealing things of value from sam’s home, with the intent to sell them or trade them for drugs. once this act was discovered, and sam accused him, she cut him out of her life completely, and firmly advised siobhan to do the same. this happens in 2013. as it stands ira has still not spoken to sam since this point, of which up to now has been 7 years.

0 5 . THE RAT RACE. addiction, no matter what to, is difficult to kick. in the present day ira has been clean and sober for an impressive 5 years ; but the thoughts are often still the same, the reflexes are still the same, that gut feeling, that need, still lingering on. ( he’s simply gotten better at ignoring it. ) in ira’s house on a pine bookshelf by his tv is a small wooden box full of the chips he managed to keep from rehab, small tokens that he found himself unable to dispose of, a trophy of sorts. but just the same, tucked under his bed, is an old star wars lunchbox that he picked up at a charity shop, of which contains a spoon, cotton, a lighter, foil, an old leather belt, and a tin case with various needles. sometimes taken out, sometimes simply looked at, unopened ---- sometimes taken apart with waning intent, then put together and away again. ira manages to keep a lid on himself for enough time to last him until the deal is made with kel mehmeti, and now suddenly entrenched in a world themed by the very thing he has spent such time trying to avoid ; there may well be a 6th chapter to this meta soon.

#this took literally days #i am .. proud #i literally expect not a single soul to look at this bc i apparently love vomiting paragraphs out of nowhere #but im STILL PROUD #. 𝐢𝐜 . ❛ metas & headcanons. ❜#tw drugs #tw drug abuse #tw addiction #ii. characterization. / metas.

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piilokarsastus · 4 years

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Question time!

1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now? because life is hard and i just don’t understand what i’m doing wrong but everyone else seems to know

2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone? nope. and to be fair, i would be sleeping anyway

3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care? if it’s like an actual thing for them that they do regularly, i’d probably be a bit concerned, but i don’t see anything wrong with trying things out for fun. if you’re just a straight up pothead, we wouldn’t be dating in the first place

4: Do you find it easy to trust others? i guess

5: What were you doing at 11PM last night? filling in another pointless question post on tumblr, funny that you should ask

6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you? unlikely scenario, but i’m gonna say my friends from uni

7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on? probably spend the next few years thinking about it, unable to trust anyone again

8: Are you close with your dad? not as close as with my mum but still reasonably close

9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right? i’m curious as to what kind of life you think i’m living because this is not it

10: What are you listening to? the soothing hum of my laptop fan

11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it? woter:)

12: Do you like hickeys? i don’t exactly understand the point

13: What time do you go to bed? going to bed and falling asleep are two very different things but usually around 2-4

14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down? me. it’s me.

15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both? definitely not

16: Do you always answer your texts? sooner or later, yes

17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for? no

18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends? not that long ago

19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them? all of my friends

20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? aight imma head out

21: Is anyone else in the room with you? no

22: Do you believe what goes around comes around? in a sense i do

23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now? i feel like i was, yeah

24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with? well there’s nothing to “fix” per se, i just wish things went differently

25: In the past week, have you cried? yes

26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing? red

27: Do people ever call you by your last name? my aunt often does, weirdly enough

28: Is anyone ignoring you right now? only every single one of the 4 people i’ve messaged on tinder recently. which makes me feel really great

29: Do you have a best friend? there’s someone i could perhaps call my best friend but i don’t think i have a “true” best friend at the moment like those i’ve had before

30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed? no i’m completely neutral towards her

31: Who was your last call from? my friend tried to call me yesterday but i couldn’t answer

32: Are you mad at anyone? no

33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you? marginally, yes

34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday? honestly i don’t know?? i don’t remember when she was born exactly but i feel like we were born in the same year at least, so i’m guessing either 21 or 22

35: How many more days until your birthday? 329

36: Do you have any summer plans yet? summer literally just ended so no

37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex? not exactly a fan of the word opposite in this context but i get what you mean. so yeah, most of my friends are of the “opposite” sex

38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now? nothing that would be their business to know

39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone? i guess i do.

40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone? i haven’t kissed nearly enough people for there to be any regrets. soo... would you like to be my first regret? haha just kidding... unless...

41: Do you think age matters in relationships? not going to write the essay that the wording of this question warrants but basically yes but only to some extent; what’s more important is that you’re in a similar phase in life and have similar expectations about the relationship. age can be a large factor in those things as well as your “maturity” but it isn’t the only factor.

42: Are you available? yeah bitch hmu

43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended? two

44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get? well i guess it’d have to be a septum, then

45: Do you believe exes can be friends? yes, in fact that’s my life philosophy

46: Do you regret anything? :)) i don’t think about it as much as i used to but i’ve never fully forgiven myself for confessing my feelings to someone who wasn’t interested in me. this is known as the february 2019 incident

47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now? tiddies

48: Did you ever lose a best friend? yeah, not to death but to life

49: Was your last kiss a mistake? no

50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like? i don’t quite like anyone at the moment and it’s gonna take a long time until i’m ever going to have the courage to make a move on anyone i’m interested in because of the aforementioned incident

51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? no

52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed? no, like there’s nothing negative between us and we’d say hello if we met on the street but we just don’t talk

53: What was the last thing you ate? pancake:)

54: Did you get any compliments today? haven’t really interacted with anyone today so no

55: Where are you going on your next vacation? bich this is my vacation, i’m going nowhere except to bed

56: Do you own anything from other countries? yes. like i’m a bit amused by this question like where on this planet can you even live where at least some of your stuff hasn’t been made in China etc. (well, i guess that would be China). but even if you’re referring to souvenirs from trips etc, still yes

57: Are most of your friend guys or girls? girls

58: Where have you lived most of your life? in Oulu, Finland

59: When was the last time you took a long drive? a few months ago, but i wasn’t the one driving

60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle? yes, also known as the game where my friends try to find out who i have a crush on

61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house? i had to google what TPing means and i’m more and more scared of americans every day

62: Who do you text the most? honestly my social life is at a point where my most common recurring interaction is exchanging cat videos with my mum (apart from group chats)

63: What was the last movie you saw? the matrix

64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex? yeah as if i have one

65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2010? 2010?? damn i was literally 10

66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you? we were around the same age

67: Do you curse around your parents? for comedic effect

68: Are you happy with where you live? not my dream apartment but it’s okay

69: Do you collect anything? my tiktok seems to have become a collection of about 250 cute lgbt folks, but other than that, no

70: What’s your favourite colour? a kind of deep, ultramarine blue

71: Does the last song you listened to remind you of anyone? not in particular

72: Has anyone ever cheated on you? no

73: What are your plans for tomorrow? make some music

74: Do you have siblings over the age of twenty-one? i don’t have any

75: Does your last ex have a job? not that i know of

76: What would you do if you found out your most recent ex was in a relationship? she is and i’m happy for her, or as happy as i can be while being painfully aware of the fact that my love life hasn’t gone anywhere in the past two years

77: Where is your cellphone? on the floor, charging

78: What colour is your cellphone? black and bronze

79: What did you dream of last night? it was something fairly nsfw and extremely hot and i lterally had to pause for a second when i woke up because damn it’s been so fucking long since i’ve experienced that irl and it left me with a bad case of yearning

80: Are you atheist? yes

81: Will you change your name when you get married? no

82: Are you ready for autumn weather? would be a bit too late if i wasn’t

83: Have you had any big storms recently? there was one that was rumoured to be really big but tbh i barely noticed it

84: What kind of bottoms are you wearing? just my comfy pajamas

#Random info about me

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thefederalistfreestyle · 5 years

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You Can Star In ‘Hamilton’ And Still Fear For Your Life As A Black Man (HuffPo):

Carvens Lissaint is tired of having to prove he belongs in his own building. He’s a 6 foot 3, 29-year-old black man, raised in Harlem, and he lives in a new upscale glass residential tower in downtown Brooklyn. He moved there in September, the same month he landed a starring role in “Hamilton” on Broadway, one of the biggest hits in musical theater history. But again and again — five times in all, by his count — the rotating cast of security desk attendants treats him like an outsider.

“I come here with some Trader Joe’s groceries, about to cook my wife some dinner, and they’re like, ‘I’m sorry, deliveries are downstairs. You have to call up,’” he said. “They just see a black guy wearing Beats headphones, sweats and a hoodie. … I’m like, ’I live here. These are my keys.’”

[. . .]

Lissaint always struggled with traditional academics, knowing he wanted to be a performance artist. He enrolled in community college ― mainly to have a dorm to sleep in ― and flunked out after his first year. He wanted to be an artist and had already found some success as a spoken-word poet, despite his dad’s repeated warnings to ignore poetry and “get a job that pays the bills.” His dad went so far as to forbid him to attend poetry slams in high school, but Lissaint competed anyway and won the acclaimed New York Knicks Poetry Slam in 2007 at 18 years old. He won several more in the next two years and eventually began coaching slam teams and mentoring young poets.

Poetry wouldn’t pay the bills, though, at least not yet. He crashed on friends’ couches or rode the subway all night for about three years after community college. He would perform on the train to scrape together enough cash to see his favorite Broadway show, “In the Heights,” again and again. The musical, written by “Hamilton” playwright Lin Manuel Miranda, opened on Broadway in 2008, also at the Richard Rodgers Theatre, also starring Jackson, one of Lissaint’s heroes.

“In the Heights” is a love letter to Washington Heights, a Hispanic neighborhood in upper Manhattan. Lissaint was transfixed. He saw the play 13 times. Sometimes his friends would give him a ticket, knowing how much he loved it. “Chris Jackson is the reason I started acting,” he said. “I was a young black kid from upper Manhattan. To see a musical about Washington Heights and see a black dude onstage, that was inspiring.”

At 20, Lissaint had another terrifying encounter with the police. He was riding in a car with three black friends to an arts party in New Jersey, where people were playing guitar and rapping and making music together. A policeman pulled them over for allegedly making a turn that was too wide. The cop forced them out of the car and searched it, claiming there was a scent of burned marijuana in it, though Lissaint insists none of them had smoked or had any drugs on them. His friend Miles was angry at the injustice of the situation and started cussing, which prompted the policeman to call for backup, and five more squad cars showed up with dogs, Lissaint recalled. The officers approached Lissaint and his friends with guns drawn, though he and his friends were unarmed.

Lissaint had a sick feeling he could die that night. “I was sitting there, like, yo, they could kill us,” he said. “They could kill us right now, and we can do nothing about it.”

He was homeless for two and a half years before he started auditioning at conservatories, hoping one of them might see his potential and give him a scholarship. He got a callback from Juilliard in 2010. New York University’s acting program had accepted him, but he couldn’t get into the main school with his academic record. Ultimately, the American Academy of Dramatic Arts in Manhattan gave him a full ride and helped him with living costs, and he was able to enroll.

It was there that he began to understand that high art was generally considered to be art created by white people ― and that black people’s art forms and aesthetics aren’t as valued pedagogically or considered worth investigating in the theater and academic worlds.

“A teacher would say, ‘Bring in a piece of high text,’ and I would bring in a spoken-word poem or a rap. And they’d say, ‘No, we mean high art, like Shakespeare,’” Lissaint said. “Voice and speech teachers told me, ‘You should stop doing spoken-word poetry, it’s inspiring your regionalism and your dialect too much. We’re afraid you’ll never be able to work in the American theater because of your speech, because you do that rap thing.’”

[. . .]

I asked Lissaint what’s like to go from being homeless and sleeping on friends’ couches to having this fancy apartment. “My wife was trying to get me a gift, and she asked me what I want,” he said. “I’ll tell you exactly what I want.”

He leaped from the couch, crossed to the wall and started flipping the light switch on and off, creating a strobe effect in the living room. “You see that? The lights work!” he shouted, his voice becoming louder and more performative. “That’s dope to me! I don’t need much! That is dope! You see this? The lights are on! I don’t need much!”

Instead of buying things, Lissaint has decided to use his new Broadway money and platform to make a five-track album and a book of poetry about racism and violence against black bodies. He realized while he was in grad school that performing art solely for entertainment’s sake wasn’t going to fulfill him. “I’m sitting in class doing Shakespeare monologues, and Trayvon [Martin] just got killed, and we see a Black Lives Matter march pass by our rehearsal. And I’m like, what am I doing in here?” he said.

Lissaint’s new projects, both called “Target Practice,” draw from his experiences and reflect on stories like that of Philando Castile, a black man who was pulled over by police in Minnesota and fatally shot in front of his girlfriend and her child in 2016. The poems pulse with outrage at the white ruling class, even implicating his Broadway audience.

[. . .]

He referred to an incident on July 4, when he posted a photo on Instagram of an 1852 speech by Frederick Douglass about “The Meaning of July Fourth for the Negro” and the fact that Americans were celebrating freedom while keeping African men enslaved. Douglass’ speech, one of the most damning pieces of oratory in American history, condemns the display of patriotism on Independence Day as “hypocrisy — a thin veil to cover up crimes which would disgrace a nation of savages.”

Lissaint now has 11,000 followers, and a white woman who described herself as a “Hamilton” fan commented on his post, “This would definitely make sense to an African American male in the 1800s. Not so much to an African American male who makes his money in 2018 singing in a play based on American history. You are very talented and one of my favorite actors in the play. This post, however, is offsetting.”

Lissaint points much of his poetry at people like her who seem oblivious to ongoing racial oppression in this country. “There are ’Hamilton’ fans who don’t like black people,” he told me matter-of-factly.

He said white people after the show will demand that he pose with their kids or yank him around for pictures like he’s a prop, instead of just asking him. One woman in Houston grabbed the “Hamilton” backpack on his body and twisted it around to show it to her friend, without ever acknowledging the man wearing it. “When you’re an artist, people feel like they own you,” he said. And when you’re a black artist ― “that has deeply rooted implications.”

[. . .]

Performing for an audience black and brown high school kids is his favorite thing to do; it gives him a special kind of energy onstage. He said he hopes that seeing “Hamilton” can do the same thing for the next generation that “In the Heights” did for him as a young black man. [. . .]

read the entire amazing article & get tix to his book release [x]

#hamilton #carvens lissaint #racism #police brutality #broadway company #diversity #huffpo #interview #in the heights

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natfosho26 · 4 years

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1-170

1: How tall or short do you wish you were? I wish I was like 5’8”

2: What’s your dream pet? (Real or not) dinosaur lol

3: Do you have a favorite clothing style? Not really. Jeans and a t shirt

4: What was your favorite video game growing up? Tony hawk pro skater and gta’s

5: What three things/people do you think of most each day: sex, food, and materialistic wants

6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say? “Damaged goods”

7: What is your opinion on [insert person/thing here]? You didn’t put anything lol

8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic] sanguine

9: Are you ticklish? Very

10: Are you allergic to anything? Penicillin, avocado, and pineapple

11: What’s your sexuality? Bisexual

12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa? Coffee

13: Are you a cat or dog person? Dog

14: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson? Merperson

15: Do you have a favorite Youtuber? No

16: How tall are you? 5’4”

17: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to? I wouldn’t

18: How much do you weigh? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!] under 200 lbs

19: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits? Yes

20: Do you like space or the ocean more? Both

21: Are you religious? A tad

22: Pet peeves? Lies, loud mouth chewing

23: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal [opposite of nocturnal]? Nocturnal

24: Favorite constellation? My cancer constellation

25: Favorite star? I don’t have one

26: Do you like ball-jointed dolls? What. No

27: Any phobias or fears? Moths and frogs lol

28: Do you think global warming is real? Very

29: Do you believe in reincarnation? Eh

30: Favorite movie? Sweeney Todd, love & basketball, rent, all the Batman movies lol

31: Do you get scared easily? No

32: How many pets have you own in your lifetime? Two

33: Blog rate? [You’ll rate the blog of the one who’s asking.] ?

34: What is a color that calms you? Blue

35: Where would you like to travel and/or live? Travel - Greece, Ireland, Scotland, Europe and live Colorado, Oregon, Washington

36: Where were you born? El Paso, TX

37: What is your eye color? Light brown

38: Introvert or extrovert? Both

39: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs? Eh

40: Hugs or kisses? Kisses

41: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now? My best friend

42: Who is someone you love deeply? My family

43: Any piercings you want? My nipples

44: Do you like tattoos and piercings? Very much so

45: Do you smoke or have you eiver done so? I’m smoking rn lol

46: Talk about your crush, if you have one! Negative

47: What is a sound you really hate? Screeching sounds

48: A sound you really love? The ocean

49: Can you do a backflip? No

50: Can you do the splits? No

51: Favorite actor and/or actress? Jason Mamoa, Dwayne Johnson, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler

52: Favorite movie? Refer to 30

53: How are you feeling right now? Pretty down

54: What color would you like your hair to be right now? I like my hair color

55: When did you feel happiest? When I’m conducting an ensemble or playing an instrument

56: Something that calms you down? Music

57: Have any mental disorders? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!] depression and anxiety but everyone has that now

58: What does your URL mean? My name and basketball number from hs

59: What three words describe you the most? Patient, understanding, and creative

60: Do you believe in evolution? Yes

61: What makes you unfollow a blog? Racist, sexist, homophobic, trump supporting all that shit

62: What makes you follow a blog? Stuff I like lol

63: Favorite kind of person: calm, curious, and artistic

64: Favorite animal(s): dinosaurs, whale sharks, jellyfish, octopus, and dogs

65: Name three of your favorite blogs. @thisismebeforeicomeundone @plastic-pipes @soyoumusik

66: Favorite emoticon: 🤔

67: Favorite meme: the girl yelling at the cat

68: What is your MBTI personality type? INTP

69: What is your star sign? Cancer

70: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog? No she’s a bitch lol

71: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most? Sweats and a shirt

72: Post a selfie or two? Maybe later

73: Do you have platform shoes? No

74: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself? I am double jointed in my elbows

75: Can you do a front flip? No

76: Do you like birds? No

77: Do you like to swim? Yes

78: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you? Ice skating

79: Something you wish didn’t exist: trump

80: Some thing you wish did exist: dragons

81: Piercings you have? My ears

82: Something you really enjoy doing: making music

83: Favorite person to talk to: my roommate

84: What was your first impression of Tumblr? I can use this in high school lmao

85: How many followers do you have? 457

86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes? Hell no

87: Do your socks always match? Yes

88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely?yes

89: What are your birthstones? Ruby

90: If you were an animal, which one would you be? Maybe a sloth or shark

91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be? Hmm...idk I don’t know flowers enough

92: A store you hate? Burlington

93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day? Like 7 lol

94: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds? Read minds

95: Do you like to wear camo? Nope

96: Winter or summer? Summer

97: How long can you hold your breath for? Like 45 secs

98: Least favorite person? N/a

99: Someone you look up to: alondra de la parra

100: A store you love? Barnes and noble

101: Favorite type of shoes? Vans

102: Where do you live? Las cruces, NM

103: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why? I’m not lol

104: What is your favorite mineral or gem? Obsidian

105: Do you drink milk? Lactose intolerant

106: Do you like bugs? Nope

107: Do you like spiders? Nope

108: Something you get paranoid about? I don’t really

109: Can you draw: eh

110: Nosiest question you have ever been asked? If my parents were born in the states or not

111: A question you hate being asked? If I have kids

112: Ever been bitten by a spider? No

113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach? Love it

114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days? Both

115: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now: n/a

116: Favorite cloud type: the ones that looks like waves

117: What color do you wish the sky was? Sunset colors

118: Do you have freckles? Yes

119: Favorite thing about a person: their eyes or lips

120: Fruits or vegetables? Fruits

121: Something you want to do right now: watch Star Wars

122: Is the ocean or sky prettier? Sky

123: Sweet or sour foods? Sweet

124: Bright or dim lights? Dim

125: Do you believe in a certain magical creature? Dragons lol

126: Something you hate about Tumblr: the ads

127: Something you love about Tumblr: the people I follow lol so my dashboard

128: What do you think about the least? Taxes and shit

129: What would you want written on your tombstone? Something with Batman

130: Who would you like to punch in the face right now? Trump

131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself? How indecisive I can be

132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures? Sometimes

133: Computer or TV? Computer

134: Do you like roller coasters? Love them

135: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness? No

136: Are your ears lobed or attached? Lobed

137: Do you believe in karma? Yes

138: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are? 5

139: What nicknames do you have/have had? Nat or natocato

140: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends? Yes

141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink? Yes

142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others? Good

143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help? Giving

144: What makes you angry? Trump. Ignorant people. Cheaters

145: How many languages do you speak fluently? Two

146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries? Boys and girls

147: Are you androgynous? No

148: Favorite physical thing about yourself: my lips

149: Favorite thing about your personality: my loyalty

150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person. Aaron, Krystal, and Andy

151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose? Revolution era just to hear certain composers

152: Do you like BuzzFeed? Eh not really

153: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? [If you have one.] don’t have one

154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons? Yes lol

155: Do you like to play with others’ hair? Yes

156: What embarrasses you? Nothing really lol

157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious: “I need to talk to tou”

158: Biggest lie you have ever told: that I had no marijuana in the car when I get pulled over lmao

159: How many people are you following? 583

160: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)? Too many lol

161: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)? None

162: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)? Hmm idk

163: Last time you cried and why: earlier, some hurtful words

164: Do you have long or short hair? Long

165: Longest your hair has ever been: below my butt

166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religon? Too many rules and money hungry organizations

167: Do you really care how the universe and world was created? Yes

168: Do you like to wear makeup? Hate it

169: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds? Yes

170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully? Yes

2 notes · View notes

ill-skillsgard · 5 years

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Smoke & Money, Part 3 - Bill Skarsgård

Title: Smoke & Money

Warning: 100% NSFW, some drug use, swearing, sex/fetish/kink type situations

Description: A young sex worker gets tangled in the dangerous web of a wealthy entrepreneur whose tastes push her past all of her known limits.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

There was this guy that I met and he was interested in me. I could tell immediately. He had a fast car and an expensive suit on. He was a little on the shorter side with a buzz cut to hide his receding hairline and a chin-strap to make up for it. By the looks of him, he may have been of Italian descent. Not that I cared all that much when he opened his wallet and showed me a stack of hundreds. He wanted to go out for a night with me as his date. At first, he offered me five hundred but I told him to double it for the night if I was acting as a date. He wanted the full escort services. It had been a long time since I had gone clubbing and even longer since I had escorted. Some guys wanted to strut around like peacocks and not just get their dicks sucked in a parked car. So whatever, I thought, I'll go to a fancy club with this guy and have my drinks paid for and come away with another grand in my pocket, at the very least. Usually, these types wanted to stay up all night hauling rails of cocaine and trying to balance it out by choking down male performance enhancers that you could buy at sex shops. Again, whatever. As long as I got paid. I wasn't personally a fan of getting all wigged out on drugs normally but I did like a drink here and there and I could be a fun time, even without narcotics. I also liked to get dolled up so the whole club scenario felt like a breath of fresh air to me.

As I stood in front of my mirror doing my make up I couldn't help but think about Mr. Skarsgard. I hated that I referred to him like that but I still didn't know his first name and by the way he had growled at me the last time, I was afraid to ever speak out of line with him. He looked so young but he carried himself so proudly that it was hard to pinpoint his age. The plague of questions still swirled in my gut once in a while. If he was so rich and so handsome, why was he paying women to be his little service maids? The man was an enigma to me, so dark and quiet, like the beginning of a storm, when the world seems to stand perfectly still inside a din of impending chaos. What was to come? I could not be sure. All I could do was watch the skies.

The club we went to was obnoxiously upscale in decor but noticeably Spring Break in clientèle. Even though the men were suited and the women all wore stilettos, they were all yelling and dancing and drinking and many pairs of eyes were blown-out dilated. I accompanied my John to different corners and levels of the clubs, drink in hand, swagger in my step and alertness that I did not give way to so that he could find his buddies and most certainly show me off. The dress I wore was a backless, low-cut silky shawl of a drape that only really covered my ass and pussy because it tapered down into a pencil skirt. I too wore stilettos.I had on this little number, impossibly high-heeled shoes and a gold sequined clutch that contained my phone, my ID, and my money. I drank with him and laughed with him and stole glances with his more attractive friend. It was a standard night at the club. Blow was snorted off of inch-long acrylic nails, martini glasses speckled any table surface and the music pumped so loud that it was impossible to have a real conversation. To be honest I was kind of having fun at the club even if my client was a greasy little guido with too much Hugo Boss cologne on. "Hey sweetheart," he yelled into my ear. "Take this and go use those tits to order everyone a shot." "Yeah, sure. How many?" I asked him. "Like ten. Who needs a shot!?" I had been seated at a table with a few guys who all fit the same profile as my client and a few girls. I wasn't sure who was a girlfriend and who was an escort but I didn't really care. He had just put two hundred dollars in the palm of my hand. He must have been really messed up and having too good of a time to care about the money spent. I don't think anybody in the establishment cared how much money they were spending. They were all kids with rich parents. Boy how I loved kids with rich parents. Through all of the writhing bodies and slamming bass, I made my way to a bar and posted up on it for a moment to collect my thoughts. I opened my clutch and put the hundred dollar bills inside for safe-keeping. Most of the night I had been neglecting my cell phone so I figured it a good time to check it. As soon as the screen came on I saw there had been a missed call from a few minutes prior. "Shit..." I said to myself. Oh well, unknown number. The bartender was on the complete opposite end of the bar and I knew it would be a while before she worked her way down to me. After all, straight women bartenders tended to favor serving the men first for better tips. That was alright with me though because I knew that hustle far too well. So I waited for my turn like a proper patron. Then my cell phone started vibrating in my hand. There was no way I could take the call amidst all of the noise but it was the same number that I had just missed. My heart skipped a beat or two.

I shoved my clutch underneath my arm and made for the bathroom, the only semi-quiet place that I could think of to take a call. Luckily for me, the only people occupying the stalls were chicks peeing and doing cocaine together. I took the last stall, shut the door and locked it behind me, cell phone in hand.

There was no way I could wait for the number to call again so I decided to call it back which was something I usually didn't do.

It rang and rang and rang for what felt like forever until finally, somebody picked up. "Hello?" I asked when nobody said a thing. "Yeah." "Hi... Who is this? I have a missed call from this number." "Two missed calls." The voice said. I chuckled nervously, "Oh, yeah. Um, so just returning the call." "I appreciate it." "Sorry, who is this?" "Bill... Skarsgard." "Oh." "I'm sending a car for you." My mouth hung open as I scrabbled for something to say. "No, I... I can't. Not tonight." "J... Don't make me tell you twice." "I'm not..." I paused to grind my teeth. "I'm not at home." "Where are you?" With a sigh, I relented, "The Revive Downtown." "He'll be there soon." "Uh... Okay." I hung up the phone and let out a long breath. Shit. Dropping my phone back into my clutch, I left the bathroom in search of my client whose name I forgot. I had to wiggle my way through troops of people dancing before I reached the table that I'd just left. "Where the drinks at?" He asked. I grabbed his hand and gave him back the two hundred dollars. He looked down at the money with confusion written on his shiny face. "I have to go." "What?" He yelled, unable to hear me above all of the electronic discord. He got the hint when I stood to leave. "Sorry, I have to go!" "Wait what the fuck? You can't leave." He stood up as well, much to the surprise of his friends. I held up the free hand that wasn't clutching my bag tightly to my body. "It's an emergency, I'm so sorry!" "No, no, no! I want my money back, bitch!" "I'm sorry! That's not going to happen! Sorry... I have to go!" With that, I turned to walk away quickly towards the exit. My ditched client had other plans and once I was outside I could finally hear properly. There were people all over the street, cars driving by, pulling up and honking and then someone grabbed my arm tightly. "Hey! Don't you fucking walk away from me." I had been followed outside by my client who was obviously pissed. The exclamation was enough to grab the attention of anyone who was standing in line as well as the bouncer who turned his attention toward us but didn't move from his post. "Give me my money back you fucking whore." I flinched away from him, throwing my arms up in front of my face as my first reaction. What I anticipated was for him to come at me, but that was interrupted immediately. "Step the fuck back right now buddy. You don't want to try it." My savior said rather calmly. It was Mr. Skarsgård's driver who had gotten in between us. The guido stepped away, fists clenched, his buddies had come out too and also didn't know how to react. "Your fucking whore stole my money!" The driver took a step closer, towering over the angry client with a trained poise. There was no way he would attempt to throw down with the driver who had a foot on him and none of his friends seemed up to the challenge either. "You better watch your mouth, kid," the driver warned. "You," he then pointed at me. "Get in the car... now." I didn't wait for him to open the door for me and simply flung it open myself, threw my clutch into the back and got in. There was hardly anymore exchange before the driver shook his jacket and came back to the car. It was strange that I felt safe inside the BMW but I did and that's all I really cared about. My friends had told me I should have a bodyguard for situations like these but I had put it off for the simple fact that I couldn't afford to pay a guy to stave off asshole clients. Also, I hadn't done anything to get myself into violent situations either. This was all sorts of unlike me. I had never bounced on a client before. What I was doing for Skarsgård went against almost everything I had learned. It was just common courtesy to not walk out on a client, especially if you had been paid beforehand. This was going to get me into a lot of trouble. The driver got into the car and quickly pulled away from the scene. I watched his tense face relax gradually the further we drove from the club. After a minute or two of driving, he looked in the rearview mirror, matching my stare. "I'm sorry you had to do that," I said to him. "You don't have any protection?" Ashamed, I shook my head no. "You should, doing what you do." Glancing out the window at the passing streets I sighed, "I know." That was the only exchange we had for the rest of the way there. Each minute that passed I got more and more nervous. My imagination ran wild thinking of all of the possible scenarios that I was potentially putting myself into. I started shivering, perhaps because I was wearing almost nothing or maybe from fear of what I was walking into.

In my ridiculously high heels, I clopped up the steps behind the driver who had left the car running just to let me inside the house. I thought it was appropriate of him and I longed to thank him more for stepping in to defend me but I didn't think he wanted to hear any more of it. Instead, I walked right into the foyer. The lights were on this time and it took me a moment to adjust. A bright light was thrown into all corners of the massive hall by the crystal chandelier that hung down like a glittering, silver jellyfish. The paintings were illuminated enough to make out the finer details. But before I could wander in further a voice cleared at the top of the stairs. "Well... A little under-dressed?" I looked up and saw him leaning against the banister, one leg bent and one straight. His white button-up was open and I could see his deep collarbone. Although he looked a little more disheveled than I was used to, he still had his shirt tucked into his straight-fitting black trousers and shiny brown oxford shoes on. He looked to be a mile away by how tall he stood at the top staring down at me with what I thought could have been a mixture of disdain and surprise. "I was out dancing," I called up to him. He nodded his head and never took his stare off of me even if I shied away from the constant eye contact. "Get upstairs. Now." After his unyielding order, he turned and left down the East Wing hall. The echo of his footfalls beckoned me up the stairs. Before I started I grimaced at having to ascend so many stairs in such ridiculous shoes. However determined I was, I couldn't help but let myself take a short breather after clearing all of them one by meticulous one so as to not stumble on the thick carpet. He hadn't gone into his room, he was waiting right at the door. I tried to compose myself and walked towards him with confidence and not like my knees were about to give in. I wondered if he could tell how terrible I was at walking in stilettos. "Go." His voice was like blunt force trauma to my ears. I entered the room which had come alive by the light of candles and the lamp beside the bed.

Bill closed the door behind us with an antique thud and circled me like a predator, never taking his eyes off of me. I felt naked even though I wasn't. His eyes burned so vehemently but his mouth was relaxed and he could almost undress me with the intensity of that stare. Finally, I could see his face, really see it under the glow of the candles and lamps. He was this hybrid of a boy, innocence was woven into every cell of his pale skin and undeniable confidence of a well-dressed, well-paid man, as sinister as he was striking. He had it all in that moment; money, power, and beauty. Something told me he could get away with anything even without the money and the power. Those good looks alone could make a girl do a lot.

That's precisely how he made me feel as he walked towards me, taking his hands from his trouser pockets to grasp my chin, forcing me to stare back at him. "What you did tonight was wrong and I'm very disappointed." He said. "I'm sorry." "Well... you have the rest of the night to atone for making me angry, isn't that right?" "Yes, sir." His eyes were wide and searching, flicking back and forth as he bore into my own eyes. "I thought we had an understanding?" "We do, sir." Bill stepped back and let his eyes fall down my body, taking in every inch of me. Judging me or simply observing, it was hard to tell. This man was hard to read. "Apparently I didn't make myself clear enough." I swallowed. He continued. "You are mine and only mine. You belong to me. You are my fucking property and I do not share." "You don't have to, sir"" "Oh is that right? Then who are you all dressed up for, hm?" "Nobody." "You mean to tell me this little ensemble wasn't meant for anyone? I find that hard to believe. I don't pay you to traipse around the city looking like a ten-dollar hooker for other people." There were so many things I wanted to say but I chose to remain silent as he continued to circle me. "Go to the bed rail." He pointed towards the prodigious canopy bed that was hampered with pillows. I walked past him and stopped at the foot of the bed. He did not watch me but rather went to the other side of the room and dragged a plush wing-back chair to the center of the carpet. With a look of complete absorption on his face, he approached me from behind as though I were just another object in his room. "Bend over." He murmured. I did as I was told and bent over the wooden rail at the foot of his enormous bed. I wasn't sure what to do with my arms so I splayed my hands out on the soft duvet and waited for what was to come next. His hand touched my lower back and pushed down. "Further," he said. Lower I went, arching my back and the more I did so the more my dress pulled up in the back. He could most certainly see my ass as I could feel cool air touching my skin. That big hand ran down the base of my spine and over my exposed skin. Slowly he inserted a finger underneath the scant little strap of my thong, pulling it up. The sensation of the material pulling taut against my most sensitive parts was enough to make me weak in the knees, or perhaps it was my shoes. Nevertheless, it didn't feel unwelcome, simply disgracious in a way that made me feel dirty. "You never make me wait. I do not wait for you. You wait for me." "Yes." "Yes, what?" "Yes, sir." Without letting go of my underwear he used his other hand to push me down further over the rail so that I was completely on display for him. My fear was that he would penetrate me but in those deliciously sickening moments, I didn't have the courage to bring up my rules. I simply did not allow clients to fuck me without a condom. Even the cleanest of men were no exception. My heart began to race thinking of every possibility that could go down. What would I do if he tried? Did I have it in me to freak out, push him away and end it all? Would I allow him to enter me? My head felt so foggy that I honestly couldn't tell how to react. All I knew was that his long fingers were tickling my skin and I could feel the heat of arousal stirring inside of me. Then he wound up and spanked me so hard a shockwave of sting interrupted my entire thought process. I gasped and looked back at him but he was calm, collected and close to me with his hands on my backside once more, rubbing the skin where he had just laid a fiery handprint. "Don't you ever keep me waiting again, understand?" I sucked in my bottom lip and nodded. "You are mine. You are my fucking property," he repeated himself. "Do not test me." "Yes, sir." "You fuck up and misbehave and now..." He leaned over my body bringing his lips close to my ear, hand never leaving my ass cheek. "Now you need punishment." That was the only warning he gave before spanking me again in the same spot. It stung so bad but I gritted my teeth and handled it not unflinchingly but as best as I could to keep from squealing. The prickling heat made me wince in pain. As if to alleviate the suffering he switched to the other cheek and gave me a whack for balance. Not once did he let go of my thong. He pulled it up, rubbed his hand over where the tiny triangle of fabric covered me and smacked me again. This time I couldn't help but let a sound slip from my mouth. "Oh yes, I know it hurts but this is what happens when you defy me. Isn't that right?" I nodded vigorously in hopes my submission would earn me some sympathy. It did not, and he wound up, cranking me really good on the right so hard that my legs faltered. If he wasn't there to keep me standing I would have buckled to the floor. Sweat broke on my forehead and my muscles clenched tightly. The funny part of it all was that I wasn't even tied up. I could have easily turned around and left. I could have refused this punishment. Hell, I could have refused him back at the club and I would have been well on my way to being drunk on top shelf liquor but instead, I was here, bent over a hand-carved wooden rail getting my ass handed to me by this rich, authoritarian man who I knew nothing about.

The only solace my burning skin took was when he leaned over and spit on my bare ass cheeks and smeared it around with his thumbs. I sighed and I'm sure he noticed my relief by the way my spine relaxed. The sustenance was short-lived though. He lowered himself on one knee, proposing to my backside with both hands squeezing, spreading me open and then giving me a few swift belts using his hands as a paddle. By then my dress had risen far over my hips and I had never been more exposed to him before than I was at that moment. His punishment started to awaken a small, provocative tingle that didn't take long to sprout into something that coveted the rain of his foul play upon me. I soon forgot how my ankles were starting to ache, having been propped up on five inches of poniard for hours. The loud claps of his hand against my rear were enough to mask my tiny, shivering moans. He threaded his fingers through my hair and pulled my head back, allowing me to straighten. His other hand came up my neck and gripped my chin, forcing me to look at him, puppeteering my head to bring his lips to the crest of my cheekbone. His breath was hot, sweetened with bourbon and the scent of the cigarettes he smoked. When he pushed his hips into me I could feel how hard he had gotten and I gasped. What was he planning on doing to me? I knew that if I was subjected to anymore spanking it would cross the threshold into nothing but pain with a tearful lack of any pleasure. I didn't want it again but I did want something from him. What I wanted was so unreal and unwise. "Say you're mine." He hissed at me before licking my cheek all the to my gaping mouth. "Say it." What felt like a venomous snake wrapping around me tightly was really the erection he had pressed against my side. If he hadn't have been fully clothed I would have felt a lot more threatened but there was still this perception of a loaded gun. At the moment I truly felt the words leave my mouth. "I'm yours, I'm yours." "That's right, you are." He squeezed my cheeks between his fingers. "Now... Show me your tongue." I opened my mouth modestly and he gave me a quick nip of a kiss, all tongue-on-tongue contact. He drew back only to spit into my mouth and repeat himself. His nasty little game of sucking face made me long for more intimate contact. If he'd have used that loaded gun on me, I would have dropped to my knees in front of him. Without a second thought, he pushed me back over the wooden rail and left me there which was a better alternative to another round of spanking. But I was curious about where he was going until I heard the dull whine of the chair accepting his weight and the jingle of a belt coming undone. I dared a look behind me to see what he was doing. "Turn back around, now." I snapped back into place facing the expanse of bed before me. The candles cast flickering shadows across the black sea of opulent silk and behind me a man was beginning to jack off, watching my damp and reddened ass from a chair that cost more than most people's whole bedroom sets. I wanted to look back but I didn't, lest I cause him any more reason to lash out at me. Somehow I did feel bad for having denied him for anyone else and as I listened to the sound of him stroking his cock behind me, I wanted even more to please him. His breathing was audible and the jingling of his belt only got louder as he went. His breathing was fragmented into nearly inaudible grunts to sounds of him panting. Fuck, I wanted to watch. It wasn't long until a silence of about two minutes fell before he stood up and walked towards me slowly. Each footstep made my blood pump faster. This time, instead of a smack on my ass I felt a stickiness being spread all over my rosy skin. He smeared me with his cum, rubbing it into my flesh like lotion, over my panties and down the backs of my thighs. He made a real show of it, even going as far as to rub his hand over my clothed pussy just once. "Stay right there." He ordered. He and I both knew that I would not go against his word but once he did up his pants and left the room I chanced a looked around. The chair behind me seemed like a mundane object and not where he had just been sitting, staring at me, running his hand over his cock until he came. I wasn't cemented to the bed rail. I wasn't about to get fucked raw. Everything about this was different to me. It was hard to peg every man but this guy went against anything I had expected. He was nothing like the rest of them. He was unpredictable and that was what scared me about him. Was this play or was this humorless in his eyes? I looked over at the brass plate and bristled at the wad of cash that had been there seemingly all along. Would he take it as a slight if I left it there? Of course, he would, I thought. It wouldn't be there if I wasn't supposed to take it. Minutes passed before I heard him coming up the corridor. I had pulled down the skirt of my dress over the drying mess he had left on me and picked up my clutch once more. When he came back to the door he had a lit cigarette between two fingers. "There will be a cab waiting outside to take you home." I nodded at him, unable to open my mouth to actually say anything. He took a long haul off the end of his cigarette, leaning and swaying against the door. "Did you learn your lesson tonight?" "Yes, sir," I replied, feeling meek. "Good girl."After that, he left me to show myself out.

#bill skarsgård fanfiction #bill skarsgard fanfiction #bill skarsgård smut #bill skarsgard smut #fanfiction

106 notes · View notes

clementineviolet · 6 years

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My TWDG: TFS Predictions

THIS IS IT, LADS. The final season starts next week and I wanted to put all my predictions into one post so I can look back once this whole crazy ride is over and see how much I guessed correctly. This post will heavily reference the leaked achievements for season 4, which are potentially huge spoilers, and the leaked episode names. This post does not reference other leaked information obtained from datamining the PC demo.

I’m gonna go episode by episode, and then do general predictions! PSA - I’m not sure whether the achievement descriptions are real, or even whether the achievements for the later episodes will remain the same. I think in TWDG S2 the achievements were released before an episode was released, so Telltale likely created achievements after finishing episodes rather than the other way around as is the case here. Just a warning that the achievements for future episodes might change!

Episode 1: Done Running

Right off the bat, I enjoy how Telltale decided to split achievements into acts (which everyone earns by playing an entire episode) and into episode achievements (which are earned by finding unique stuff/doing certain actions within the episode). It really encourages players to replay the game in order to get achievements and I really like it! I also love how the achievement for placing all of the collectibles goes with the theme of “Home” that Telltale said would be the main theme of this season.

Episode 1 seems pretty standard at the beginning - Clem and AJ crash the car, the boarding school kids save Clem and AJ, Clem and AJ begin to learn about and make friends with the boarding school kids. I hope that dinner provides the opportunity for a hub area where Clem has the chance to speak with everyone and ask them questions about their life; I also think this is where the card game will happen? Or after dinner. In general, based on the fact that a lot of the trailer features Clem listening and responding to Marlon/Violet/Louis speak, I hope that these are hub areas! Kind of confused where a piñata comes in but it’s all gucci. It also seems they go hunting? And CLEM CAN TICKLE AJ??????!!!!! This episode seems to bring in a lot of character-building content which I LOVE. Also Clem will have the option of overcoming her fear of dogs (or there will be no option...I’m fine either way) by interacting with Rosie, that good girl, who might save her/AJ from a walker.

As for the second part of the episode, where shit seems to hit the fan, I think that the main conflict in this season will be between the boarding school kids and an opposing group of adults (including that man who is smoking in the trailer). The opposing group sabotaged the traps Violet is talking about; I assume that Violet and Clem go on to gather supplies/scout/steal supplies from the group (probably without Clem knowing the full truth about the adult group) and Violet finds that several of the traps have been messed with. I think that Marlon is having a breakdown at the end of the trailer because, perhaps like Ben in s1e4, he made a deal with the opposing group maybe to protect the kids but in reality more kids are dying? Or some other horrible side effect occurs. At the end of the episode, they might learn of an incoming attack or walker horde or something.

I don’t think this episode will have a returning character. In true TWDG tradition (...based off of one season), they might save that for episode 2.

Episode 2: Broken Toys

CLEM AND HER FRIENDS DO SHROOMS. This is my only prediction

JK LOL based off of “Old Ghost,” I’m 10000% certain a returning character will pop up here. I’m 99.9% sure it’s Lilly, which will be GREAT. If Lilly returns, Clem can reveal that Ben indeed was a traitor (if Carley died, Clem also says she was innocent and Lilly SHOULD FEEL FUCKING GUILTY; if Doug died, Lilly’s like “shouldn’t have missed dammit’ or something similar). I also hope Clem can reveal what happened to Ben, Kenny, and Lee. If Lee left her behind, she won’t have particularly nice feelings towards him which will piss me off because YOU KILLED HIS ALMOST-GIRLFRIEND GOD DAMMIT. But Imma assume that Lilly if she returns is the leader or at least a powerful member of the adult group

NOW HERE’S WHERE IT GETS JUICY. ROMANTIC INTEREST TIME.

I’m gonna guess that Violet, Louis, and Marlon are potential romantic interests. The actions you take might lead you to form a stronger relationship with one character over the others. For example, actions that support Marlon’s leadership could make you closer to Marlon, actions that are more lone-wolf-ish or survivalist could make you closer to Violet, actions that are loyal/creative/funny could make you closer to Louis. Clem then has the choice of either keeping the relationship platonic or pursuing the relationship romantically.

I already know who I’m going for obviously, unless something horrible fucking happens

SHE LITERALLY LOOKS LIKE THE LOVE INTEREST IN AN ANIME. SHE LITERALLY LOOKS LIKE CHLOE PRICE IN LIS BEFORE THE STORM. FUCK YEAH I’M GONNA ROMANCE HER IF I HAVE THE CHANCE

My second choice is Louis obviously. LIKE LOOK AT HIM, CLEM, AND AJ AT THE TABLE THAT’S SO CUTE

Louis might try and teach AJ or Clem how to play the piano, maybe only if he’s a romantic interest. There will be a dancing scene to Louis playing the piano where Clem can choose to dance with her romantic interest.

Some drama will go down at the end of the episode. The boarding school is threatened probably by an attack GASP

Episode 3: Suffer the Children

Penultimate episodes are where shit gets real. Let’s do this shit.

I’m scared that Rosie will die because of the first achievement ;___;

Flashback time!!! Possible flashback to s1e2, the horrifying St. John’s farm of cannibal bitches! Very important episode for both Clementine and Lilly, obviously. I hope that if Lilly returns, the player is able to choose whether Lee helped Kenny kill Larry or helped Lilly try and revive Larry because I can’t believe that choice was left off of the story generator.

I think that Clem and possibly/probably other members of the boarding school group will be taken prisoner or held somewhere for a number of days. At the end of the episode, based on the “Leader” achievement for Act Three, Clem will emerge the leader of the boarding school kids. Or this could be referring to Marlon, but I think Marlon will be a determinant character personally.

Episode 4: Take Us Back

If shit was real last episode, shit is the realest this episode with its many throwbacks to season 1. The amount of achievements scares me but I think it has to do with the fact that this episode is likely far from done, let alone fully conceptualized. I think that something will happen to Clem. I am NOT SURE WHAT. It would be cruel irony to have Clem get bitten like Lee, but to successfully cut off whatever limb was bitten. I really really REALLY don’t want her to die, obviously.

The “came full circle” and “Final Lesson” thing feels like it’s implying that AJ will be the teacher/protector and Clem will be the student/protected. Which terrifies me. And I heard someone theorize that we might play this episode (or at least part of this episode) as AJ, based off of the “Found Clem’s hat” achievement. Which would be interesting but also kind of disappointing and mostly terrifying? NOT SURE.

Here are some possible endings -

1) Boarding school is saved, Clem and AJ have a home. The romantic interest/best pal is still alive. Pigs are able to fly

2) Boarding school is destroyed, Clem and AJ will never have a home but at least they have each other?

3) Clem dies, AJ is taken in by someone else (the remaining boarding school kids? perhaps Lilly? perhaps Christa if she ever returns?) or goes on his own.

4) AJ dies, Clem is fucking depressed

5) Clem lives but decides to leave AJ with others who are able to protect him more? Doesn’t really make sense to me

The fact that this shit is ending just.....god

General (mostly Character) Predictions

Christa’s fate is resolved... please

Tenn will become more of a major character than Marlon

Marlon, Louis, and Violet are all determinant. Or fuck it, their all (including Tenn, AJ) determinant, THIS IS THE FINAL SEASON

Violet is a hard shell on the outside but a marshmallow on the inside

Tenn got his burn from something involving the opposing adult group.

Tenn and AJ become close friends. Or AJ and Louis. WHY NOT BOTH

Marlon will have a dark side. Go evil. Or die so Clem can be the leader haha (I LIKE HIM I JUST THINK THIS MIGHT HAPPEN)

Will we finally learn Clem’s last name? Who knows

#twdg #twdg spoilers #the walking dead game spoilers #twdg s4 #my predictions

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deveharrington · 6 years

Note

Because the only way he can think of to ease his partner's insecurity is to isolate themselves with only the dog. I don't think G can be isolated like that

1. Good for Gillian. And absolutely, she has too many connections to make, to many goals to achieve, too many new friends to make, and too many people to inspire to isolate herself.

2. But the isolation is concerning, to say the least. It does nothing to disprove the seeming abusiveness (psychological, emotional) of this shituation. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.

And here’s just a thought: the fact that the isolation occurred after David received so much backlash, its like he said, “f*ck it, let’s live in a box in the middle of nowhere.” And yet, David ended up isolating himself with a personal paparazzi. I don’t know whether to cry or laugh. Or, it looks like there is construction being done on the current house so maybe that is where they are staying.

3. He still can’t even ease the minds of his own fans, apparently? He still can’t even bring himself to just issue a public statement along the lines of, “I believe love has no age, we complete each other, soulmates, whatever, etc.?” because I honestly think that people would respect him more for being upfront at this point, that is how bad the shituation is right now in terms of public image. I guess he is still trying to have his cake and eat it too by keeping up his “image” to fool whoever he can fool. He dropped his own fans like a nagging girlfriend when they voiced an opinion against him.

Or maybe its as simple as he does not even understand what it means to be at peace in your mind, so how could he ever know how to do this for others. He doesn’t even know how to do anything for others.

4. And ugh, ok, on the subject of Brick: According to the timeline of when Brick was adopted (according to twitter: September 13, 2015), could it be that David was actually planning all of this as far back as then? Like, it would benefit him to buy the “partner” a dog to keep them entertained. But I also know David “loves dogs” (more than humans, and he loves treating humans like dogs) so maybe he just wanted to rescue a dog… I just don’t trust David.

I recall a post from the “partner” (no idea when, probably 2017) referring to David as the “Dad” (ALRIGHTY THEN) and herself as the “Mom” of Brick, or something along those lines (BARF).

Or, it could all be that “Phillip” gave David the dog (according to twitter), or maybe again David just wanted to rescue a dog. Did David ever have a dog between Blue and Brick? Who knows with David. But no doubt, Brick is the actual glue holding them together, lmfao.

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marshmallowmalfoy · 6 years

Text

Colors Of The Girl // Draco Malfoy // Pt. 5

Type: Series

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

Summary: You meet the Malfoy family for the first time and you’re not sure how things are going to go.

A/N: I feel really bad for not posting in so long. I just want to apologize for not posting for so long. I’m really sorry that I haven’t posted in so long and I will do my best to keep a more constant schedule of updating. Love you all so much for reading and for all your support on the series and I hope you all enjoy this part! (The ‘poem�� the main character wrote, I actually wrote on a long car ride, i know it sucks I’m sorry)

Warnings: Drug ment. (only if you get drug lingo and such), Suicidal thoughts/references to suicide

To say that Draco asking you to spend the summer with him was shocking doesn’t even begin to sum up the emotions you were feeling. You were scared, mostly, as the last few days of school were lingering and came to the realization that you would actually have to meet Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy.

You were sat in the library, a book splayed out in front of you but the words were just a blur. You hadn’t slept in days. What were you supposed to do? Or say? How could you possibly meet their standards? You won’t be able to. Simple as that. Your head bobbed up and down as you were trying to keep it from falling onto the pages of the book.

“Stay awake now darling.” Draco came up behind Y/N, stroking down your white hair as your head lulled back up to look out the window. “Tell me what you’re feeling.” He sat down beside you.

“Nothing.” You forced a giggle as he sat down. He raised his eyebrows at you.

“You’ve gone white.” He picked up a strand of hair for you to see. You sighed, and looked over to him. His beautiful grey eyes sparkling as they searched yours.

“I’m excited… but I’m worried.” You admitted to him. A breeze from an open window on he other side of the library blew against your skin. He didn’t need to ask why you were worried. He knew. You could tell that he was worried, though he tried to hide it from you. You sat in silence together for a few moments before he spoke.

“Everything is going to be okay.” His voice was soft. You could feel the doubt looming in his tone.

Everything was packed up and ready to go. You only had one trunk. One trunk filled every single belonging you had in this world. Others were lugging several trunks - of things that they had brought to Hogwarts for the year.

Three worn out poetry books. One by Edger Allen Poe, one by Emily Dickinson, and one about loss and mourning by assorted artists. Three pairs of pants. Two pairs of shoes. Four shirts. A polaroid camera. Two sets of sleep clothes. your wand. And all your school necessities. That was everything.

That’s all you could think about as you stood beside Draco at the train station, your trunk leaning against your leg. Everything you owned could not even begin to match up to everything Draco owned. Everything that was held to his name. Every valuable item in the Malfoy estate. You had nothing. They had everything.

“Y/N?” Malfoy questioned from beside you. “Are you alright? You look pale. Your hair is white.” His eyes were filled with concern.

“They wont like me.” The words passed your lips, though you wished to keep your mouth shut and not worry him. “I’m not like you Dray! I’m not pure blood. I’m a quarter-blood Metamorphmagus freak who cant even control her transformations.” You shook your head as he looked at you. There was silence between you two for a moment, then he spoke at last.

“You could be a mud bl-” he sighed, “Muggle Born. You could be muggle born, and I would still care for you y/n. You would still be important to me. I still wouldn’t give a flying shit what my parents had to say about you. Okay? I. Don’t. Care.” He pulled you close to him, hugging you against his body.

“Merlin! She is beautiful!” A silvery voice swam through the jumble of white noise. You pulled away from him, seeing Narcissa Malfoy walking toward you two with open arms, wearing a lavish fur coat and stiletto heals. You’d never been able to afford shoes like that. Your face flushed, and Draco watched carefully as your hair went from brown to white. The change stopped his mother in her tracks.

“Mother.” Draco greeted, grabbing onto your hand. “This is Y/N Y/L/N. My girlfriend.” You looked up at him shocked, in all the time the two of you had been together, you’d never actually heard him call you his girlfriend.

“Y/L/N?” She scrunched up her nose, looking at you as you picked up your trunk and began walking, slightly tucked behind Malfoy as he tugged you along. “Thats… Not a pureblood name.” Narcissa spoke softly. Malfoy held your hand tighter and looked his mother in the eyes.

“I know.” That was all it took. Those words were the only thing that Narcissa needed to hear. She began talking to you and Draco casually. She understood that he didn’t care. At least not when it came to you. So why should she?

The ride to the Malfoy residence that evening was filled with so much anxiety that the heart beat in your ears was defining. Your mind was burning with thoughts of how you would disappoint his family. How you would let them down. The worthless feeling set in. You pulled out the notebook that Draco had given you a few months back to write your feelings in, along with a golden-tipped quill (also a gift from him), you looked at the setting sun and began writing.

Sky.

The sky.

The end of the world sky.

Like burning the world sky.

The colors burn my eyes.

Red.

Like fire.

Like pain.

Like lust.

Disgust!

Don’t touch me.

It’s all too much.

Fire.

It fades.

Darkness invades.

No words.

No world.

No way to escape.

Silence.

Discomfort.

I’m stuck in a box.

Stuck in this spot.

I can’t move on.

I can’t move forward.

Please, please help me

I’m right on the border

Of happiness, of joy

Of affection and more.

The pain.

It kills.

Alone.

No stills

Bordered in white

Taken with a flashing light

To remind me of the past

To remind me of the love

To keep me warm when I’m alone

To plug this sinking boat up

The supports are failing

The sails are worn

The only thing left

Is the sweatshirt worn

By my mother

now clinging to my body

Because hand-me-downs

Is my moms favorite hobby

Smoke.

All the world is smoke.

It’s there for a moment.

You lean out and reach for it.

You push it away.

The smoke fades.

The bowl still Cherried.

No one else to hit.

The bowl burns out.

Drip.

Blood hits the floor.

There is smoke no more.

“What’s that darling?” Draco leaned over from were he was sitting beside you to see what you were writing. You slammed the book shut quickly, before the ink could completely dry. The letters smudged, no doubt. He leaned back in his seat, and gave you a questioning look. “We can talk about it later.”

Standing outside the residence, knowing who stood beyond those doors shook you too the bone. You felt like you were moving in slow motion. The wind held you back, whistling in your ears, as though screaming “Turn back! Turn back while you still have the chance!” You ignored it though, letting the warmth of Draco’s hand motivate you as you clung to him, trying not to drop to the ground from fear. When the door opened (seemingly on its own) a massive foyer was revealed, your eyes wide eyed and glazed over as you took it all in, including the feeble house elf who cowered behind the door. It took everything in you to not sympathize and introduce yourself to the creature, that would have to wait.

“Draco.” The monotone voice cut through the warmth of the house with a chilled tone. Your attention flickered over to the source, Lucious Malfoy. He was much more intimidating than you had imagined.

“Father.” He greeted in return, his frame seemingly sinking down. His shoulders lowered slightly and he subtly released your hand. You watched as Lucious looked you up and down. Your white hair instantly turning a deep black. You were frightened. He looked at you with a hint of disgust. “What is this?” He gestured to you dismissively.

What is this rung in your ears. What. Not who. WHAT.

“Father, this is Y/N Y/L/N… My girlfriend.” He spoke carefully, not with too much force or enthusiasm. Lucius looked at him with disgust as well. He shook his head, his nose tilted up in the air as though a foul smell had assaulted his senses. He turned to Narcissa,

“I’ll be in my study.”

He walked away.

#Draco #Draco malfoy #Harry Potter #Malfoy #Ron #Weasley #Hermione #Colors of the girl #The colors of the girl #Marshmallow Malfoy

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jeromebrooke1991 · 4 years

Text

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littledonkeyburrito · 7 years

Text

I need to start coming up with more creative titles for these.

Ever kissed anyone with a nipple piercing? Not that I’m aware of, but there’s a couple of people that I’ve made out with and never seen shirtless, so who knows

What about a lip piercing? No

Nose piercing? I don’t think so

Did you sleep alone last night? Yep

How are you sitting? Cross legged on the couch

Where is your family? Probably in their respective homes

Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow? Always

What were you doing at 12 AM last night? Sleeping

Waiting for something? A call back from any of the companies I’ve sent resumes to

How many people did you kiss last summer? I think it was only one actually, but there was a couple more that were summer adjacent.

Was yesterday terrible? Yesterday was fine

Did you reject or accept your last friend request? I accepted it but I probably shouldn’t have bc tbh I think she’ll get pretty annoying on my facebook (ex work colleague)

Do you like pretzels? They’re fine but they’re totally overrated by america

Do you wait until you’ve completely finished a certain makeup product before you buy a new one? I don’t buy makeup products

Would you say that people consider you a major flirt? I don’t know. You would have to ask “people”

Do any of your friends have children? Not yet

If you have a girlfriend/boyfriend, how long have you been together? I do not

Did you wake up before 8 AM this morning? I sure as fuck did not.

Do you wear eyeliner? Nah

Whose wall have you wrote on today? Nobody

Would you rather cry in public or make someone else cry in public? Neither, both are super awkward for me

Would you rather sleep for 3 days or stay awake for 3 days?   I feel like I’ve done both before. Depending on what I’m doing, both have their pros and cons

Would you rather be just rich or rich and famous? Just rich

Who will you be sleeping with tonight? Nobody

Last person to make you laugh? The internet

Do you look at older pictures and laugh? Depends on the picture

When will your next kiss be? no idea

Have you ever truly thought you knew who you were going to marry? No

Do you have anything that belongs to a partner or an ex partner? No

What would you say if someone told you they were in love with your sister? That I don’t have a sister

Has anyone called you babe or baby in the last two days? No, I’m not sure anyone’s called me that ever and I’d prefer it stay that way

Do you still talk to the person you last kissed? Currently waiting to see how long it’ll take him to message me first for once. So, kinda I guess

Who was the last person of the opposite sex to be in your bedroom?   Um well technically my apartment is a studio and my landlord was here like 20 minutes ago so I guess it was him. But the last dude to go in the actual bedroom area was the guy who stayed with me a few weekends ago from Madrid.

Did you see your best friend today? No. We live on different continents

Are your ears pierced more than once, if at all? Just the one in each ear

If you wear skirts, are you more likely to wear leggings, or go bare? I don’t wear skirts

Are you addicted to texting? No, but I do prefer to message at least one friend every day

How many times do you knock on the door? I don’t. I stand outside and text them and wait for them to open it.

If you could move somewhere else, would you? Well I’ve sent a couple of resumes to companies in Panama and if I get offered a good job with a decent salary then I’ll definitely consider moving there.

Did you kiss or hug anyone recently? No

Does your phone ring in the middle of the night? Not since I left Australia. Was a pretty common occurrence there with my job though. The worst was when I was really tired but had to take the work phone home with me and one of my staff would call just after I’d fallen asleep and I’d still be confused as fuck when I answer but have to try to play it cool and not let them know they woke me up. Was even worse when it was a client calling...

Is there anybody you’re really disappointed in right now? No..?

Is there someone you will never forget? Many people

Can you live a day without TV? Yeah

Do you swallow gum when you’re done with it? I don’t like chewing gum

Any plans for this weekend? Nope

Have you seen anyone lately that you don’t get along with? No. There’s nobody that I don’t really get along with, especially not in this country.

Who was the last person you rode in a car with that’s not family? I think the last time I was in a car was my transfer to the airport in panama. I don’t have a car here and nobody I know has a car. I always just walk or get the metro. I don’t even usually get cabs here.

Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? Nah

Is there anything stressing you out currently? My bank balance is gradually getting lower and lower and I don’t have a job yet.

What kind of mood are you in today? Average. Not happy, not sad

How late did you stay up last night and why? Maybe 10 or 11. I was pretty tired from doing nothing all day

Have you ever slept in the same bed with the last person you kissed? I think the longest I ever actually slept with him was like 4 hours. Always had to go sneak back into my room before anyone woke up.

Are you mad at anyone? No

Did the last guy/girl you kissed have any piercings? No

What is the name of the last band you discovered? Not a band but I came across Alvaro Soler and I really like his music

Would you rather go to a Katy Perry or Taylor Swift concert? No thankyou

What pattern do the sheets on your bed have? The sheets are white. The doona is white with blue diamond patterns on it

Are your days full and fast-paced? Only when I travel

Do you call any of your friends by their last name? Yeah, my old flatmate usually goes by his last name. Made it a little weird when he had family visiting because I could either 1) refer to him by his first name, or 2) use his last name and have everybody he’s related to turn around and look at me

Have you ever gotten lost in a department store? El Corte Ingles. The floors are too big. I usually end up giving up which isn’t necessarily a bad thing because it’s kind of expensive there.

How long have you had the shirt you’re wearing? A few years I guess. I don’t remember when I bought it

Are you a slut? Depends on definition

What happened last time you got drunk? I drank beer with people from the office and then I went back to their apartment which was kind of like a staff apartment and a couple of the bosses lived there too. Drank some more beer, did some cocaine, patted a dog and cut my thumb on a beer can.

When’s the last time you straightened your hair? I don’t think I ever have. My hair is pretty straight on its own.

What do you want right this second? I wouldn’t mind a glass of coke

What were you doing at 10:00 this morning? Sleeping

What cell phone company do you use? Vodafone

Do you wear a bath robe? No

Do you know anyone autistic? Yeah, a few

How about someone bipolar? I think so

What do you want your job to be when you’re older? Please offer me suggestions because I have no fucking idea

What are you listening to? Nothing in particular

Does the last person you texted smoke pot? Idk. Probably, a lot of people here do bc it’s legal. He’s my landlord though so it’s not like he’s going to tell me that information

What did you wear to bed last night? My pyjamas

Who’s in the room with you? Just me

Have you ever liked someone older than you? They’re generally older than me

Do you like men with beards and goatees? Stubble is goooood. Depends on the guy though

Where do you live? Spain

Do you always lock your door? Yes. It auto-locks anyway, but I deadbolt it too.

Do you smoke cigarettes? No

Is your birthday in a winter month? In Australia, yes. Here, no.

Do you have siblings over the age of 21? Yes.

What is the last letter of your middle name? L

Have you ever skipped school just because you were tired? I skipped plenty of lectures at uni in favour of sleep. Probably a contributing factor to the failing of classes and dropping out.

Do you wear your seatbelt in the car? Yep

When was the last time you were told you were cute? Probably in Panama

Do you like Chinese food? Yes. The food when I was travelling in China was insanely good.

Have you ever trusted a guy when you shouldn’t have? Yeah I guess so

Do you have a brother? What’s his name? Sam

What time is it? 7:44pm

Is your phone close to you? It is under my left thigh (almost my buttcheek) so I can feel if anyone messages me.

What woke you up this morning? I suppose I had enough sleep

When did you last use a straw? I have no idea but you just reminded me that I bought straws recently and haven’t used any yet so I’m gonna start drinking my alcohol with straws now. Well, not right now bc I don’t want to drink tonight, but whenever I next drink at home I’ll use one.

Have you ever driven without a license? I originally learned to drive in a Mini Moke in my Dad’s backyard (he had 3 acres) when I was maybe 10 years old. So obvs I didn’t have a licence then. Also the brakes in the car didn’t work so we basically had to make sure the dogs weren’t near us

What color shirt are you wearing? Grey. With a red/black checked hoodie over it

Do you have a ceiling fan located in your bedroom? No

What are you most looking forward to tomorrow? My life is super boring so the only thing I’m doing tomorrow is going to the post office to pick up whatever I was left a slip for.

Have you cuddled with someone today? No

Have you spoken to a relative on the phone today? No

Do you use the toilet paper with the colorful designs on it? I use the cheapest toilet paper that doesn’t feel like sandpaper. I’m not going to pay extra for colourful designs when I’m literally just going to wipe my ass with it.

What was the first thing you ate today? Spicy noodles

Do you have anything more important you should be doing right now? No

Have you set an alarm today? No

Do you keep up-to-date with current news and events? I don’t. I made a decision during a low point a few years ago to cut negative things out of my life. So I unfollowed a bunch of people on tumblr and I stopped keeping up with news because it was just making me depressed. Occasionally I google to see what’s up with my province and that’s about it. Otherwise I see what I really need to see on facebook/tumblr.

When was the last time you visited relatives? I visited my dad a few days before I left Australia

Is chapstick a necessity for you? Sometimes, yes. But if I stay hydrated enough then it’s not really an issue.

Name the last 6 people you texted/messaged:

Gabriel

João

Maggie @aturinfortheworse

Aman

Anna @intimidatethevoid

Bear

(this is a slightly unusual bunch since only half of them are people I regularly message)

How did you meet #3? Highschool

What’s #6’s middle name? No idea

Who have you known the longest out of your 6? Maggie

Who have you known the least out of your 6? Anna

How do you know #5? Through the group chat we’re in with Maggie and Bear

Where does #1 live? Somewhere nearby. I don’t know exactly

Is #1 your best friend? No, he’s my landlord

Who on your 6 doesn’t have a job? Maggie I think..? Not sure about Bear and Anna. Also not 100% sure on João

Does #5 have their drivers license? I believe so

Would you ever live with #2? Lmao I almost do. He’s my next door neighbour.

Why did you text #4? Because he messaged me first so I replied obvs

Do you miss #3? Yeah, come to Spain you loser

Is #6 a stoner or alchie? Not anymore I don’t think

Have you ever danced with #2? No, I’ve met him like twice for us to pay our bills (our apartments run off the same metre for water and electricity)

Have you ever done anything sexual with any of them? Well Aman is my ex so yeah

What would your life be like without #1? I would probably live somewhere else

Is #2 your best friend? No

What do you love about #3? So many things

What do you dislike about #3? So many things. (kidding)

What is #5’s weakness? Difficulty sleeping?

What kind of car does #4 drive? I remember it’s a little black sedan but I don’t remember what type of car it actually is

What would you do if #3 & #6 were dating? Uhhh nothing probably. I’d be surprised but they’re both good people so I’d let them go for it.

Does #2 have a boyfriend/girlfriend? No idea

Have you ever seen #1 cry? Fuck no that would be weird

Have you ever kept a secret from #5? No

What is something special about #4? He’s very attractive.

Does #2 have any special talents? No idea

In one word, describe #6. Teddy

Has anyone in your top 6 hurt you? Who? Uhh no..?

Have you ever fought with #6? No

Is #1 a musician? Not that I’m aware of

How old is #4? He’s 27

Would you ever kiss #5 (if you haven’t already)? Probs not, soz bro

#Maybe I should take the most out of context quote from my answers and use that as the title #yeah I might start doing that #this one would be #They’re fine but they’re totally overrated by america #The floors are too big #It is under my left thigh (almost my buttcheek)#Also the brakes in the car didn’t work #I’m not going to pay extra for colourful designs when I’m literally just going to wipe my ass with it #These are all valid potential titles

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pickcpodcast · 4 years

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12 Show Notes - What’s the best historical reference in Avatar: the Last Airbender?

Strap into your flying bison because this episode is a doozy!

This week’s question is: What is the best historical reference in Avatar: The Last Airbender?

A. Chin the Conqueror

B. The Order of the White Lotus

C. The Dai Li

D. Tenzin & Monk Gyatso

First of all: it is a cardinal rule of the universe that one cannot talk about history and ATLA in the same breath without mentioning the amazing work that has been done over on ATLA-Annotated https://atla-annotated.tumblr.com, where you will find not only translations of all the Chinese used in the show but also exhaustively researched posts about everything from the clothing styles to the architecture seen in the show.

In the episode, we mentioned an upcoming (at the time) series about Avatar Kyoshi. That series is now out, and it’s called The Rise of Kyoshi! Find out more here: https://www.abramsbooks.com/product/yee-nickelodeon-collaboration_9781419735042/ https://avatar.fandom.com/wiki/The_Rise_of_Kyoshi

As promised in the episode, we’ve included pronunciations for names were we could find them. Some had IPA and recordings available, while for others we only found transcriptions in Hanyu Pinyin, the standard transcription/Romanization system for Mandarin Chinese. Pinyin does give you all the information you need to pronounce something correctly, but it’s not the most intuitive for native English speakers. So here are some resources for how to use it for the names in this post: https://www.yoyochinese.com/blog/pinyin-beginners-guide-mandarin-chinese https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Help:IPA/Mandarin

Option A: Chin the Conqueror / Qin Shi Huang-di, the First Emperor

Here’s Qin Shi Huang in IPA: [tɕʰǐn ʂɨ̀ xwǎŋ]

And in Hanyu Pinyin: Qín shǐ huáng

And for those who don’t like reading either, here’s a recording: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/e4/Qin_shi_huang_pronunciation_2.ogg

Our main source for the IRL Qin conqueror was Mark Edward Lewis’s The Early Chinese Empires: Qin and Han, which goes into the origins of the pre-imperial state of Qin, its militarism and legalistic policies. If you want to learn more about the man himself, we’ve previously referenced Jonathan Fenby’s The Dragon Throne: China’s Emperors from the Qin to the Manchu for its comprehensive coverage of Chinese imperial history and the chapter on the Qin dynasty is just as solid.

One of the major primary (sort of) sources that we have is Sima Qian’s Records of the Grand Historian, which you have probably heard Sophie reference before, and which we will draw on again in future episodes. This is because it’s one of the richest sources available to us on early Chinese history, written by Sima Qian [sɨ́mà tɕʰjɛ́n] over a lifetime. It’s this historical tome that contains one of the best-known stories about the First Emperor, which is that he burned books and killed scholars. As powerful as such a story is, it’s unclear how much of it is historical fact and how much of it is a Han dynasty with an axe to grind and a predecessor to discredit. For more on this academic debate, you can start with this article: http://ulrichneininger.de/?p=461.

For those more interested in the myth than the man, Sophie mentions the film Hero, a 2002 film by Zhang Yimou starring Jet Li, Zhang Ziyi, and Donnie Yen among others. On top of being a really intriguing film full of mind games, it is! So! Pretty!

Now: back to the show! If you want to learn more about the adventures and misadventures of Avatar’s Chin, the Avatar fandom wiki is a wonderful and thorough source: https://avatar.fandom.com/wiki/Chin

In the episode we also talk about the worldbuilding and political setup of the Earth Kingdom in general. For those who are interested, we can’t recommend Hello Future Me’s video about this very topic enough! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-FNPuIM9jg

Other sources:

https://www.nationalgeographic.com/culture/people/reference/qin-shi-huangdi/

Option B: The Order of the White Lotus / White Lotus Society

In the original show, the Order of the White Lotus is a secret society, composed of many bending and martial arts masters across the four nations who are implied to be working together to end the Hundred-Year War. Near the end of the show, White Lotus members mobilize in force to liberate Ba Sing Se from Fire Nation occupation. The Avatar wikis have a pretty thorough compilation of the White Lotus’s exploits and history: https://hero.fandom.com/wiki/Order_of_the_White_Lotus https://avatar.fandom.com/wiki/Order_of_the_White_Lotus

The IRL White Lotus Society (Báiliánjiào in Mandarin) was also a secret society (or sect or cult, depending on who you ask). They were around for at least four hundred years—multiple sources record their involvement in the fall of the Yuan Dynasty in the mid-1300s as well as in the White Lotus Rebellion between 1794 and 1804. Some sources even include Zhu Yuanzhang (Zhū Yuánzhāng in Pinyin), the founder of the Ming Dynasty, as one of its members.

Like the fictional White Lotus, the historical society/sect apparently had traditional practices such as martial arts, medicine/healing, and meditation. The historical White Lotus also had a strong religious element; many of its beliefs were based on Buddhism and Taoism but with a smattering of Manichaeism (https://www.britannica.com/topic/Manichaeism) which—to vastly simplify some very old and complex beliefs—is defined by duality and struggle: light vs. dark, good vs. evil, and so forth. There may also have been elements of messianic belief/prophecy in the White Lotus religion—members believed that humanity in its current state had been corrupted and needed saviors to lead them to reconciliation with the good and divine. However, unlike the fictional White Lotus, which seems to be comprised of societal leaders and elites, the real White Lotus attracted people on the other end of the spectrum—women, peasants, and other marginalized populations.

To learn more about the historical White Lotus’s philosophies, practices, and history, check out Susan Naquin’s Millenarian Rebellion in China: https://kb.osu.edu/handle/1811/5983 and Elizabeth Perry’s article “Worshipers and Warriors: White Lotus Influence on the Nian Rebellion”: http://deepblue.lib.umich.edu/bitstream/handle/2027.42/68415/10.1177_009770047600200102.pdf;jsessionid=608E03C2AA7738C4B7F214F3763E17DD?sequence=2 .

Other sources:

[1] https://heathenchinese.wordpress.com/2015/01/03/millenarianism-pt-4-the-white-lotus-society-and-the-nian-rebellion/

[2] https://www.britannica.com/place/China/Buddhism#ref71731

[3] https://www.britannica.com/event/White-Lotus-Rebellion

[4] The book Sophie was reading that mentions the White Lotus was the one we mentioned in Episode 10, Arthur Cotterell’s The Imperial Capitals of China.

Option C: The Dai Li

In the show, the Dai Li are the shady secret police force that basically runs the Earth Kingdom capital of Ba Sing Se. Originally founded by Avatar Kyoshi, one of Aang’s past lives, to protect the city’s “cultural heritage” and “traditions,” by the time of the show they are associated with kidnapping, brainwashing, and political repression in the name of “stability” (“There is no war in Ba Sing Se,”etc.). https://avatar.fandom.com/wiki/Dai_Li

What you may not know as that the Dai Li, and especially their leader, Grand Secretariat Long Feng, are mostly likely inspired by Dai Li (Dài Lì in Pinyin), an IRL spymaster who was active in Republic-era China before dying under mysterious circumstances in 1946.

The main account of Dai Li’s life and exploits that we used comes from Kathryn Meyer & Terry Parssinen’s Webs of Smoke: Smugglers, Warlords, Spies, and the History of the International Drug Trade (1998), which is (as it says on the tin) about the illicit drug trade (mostly opium and cocaine). The whole book is a fantastic read, but you can find most of Dai Li’s shenanigans in Chapter 8, “Spies.”

For those who hate good books, you can find some more straightforward accounts of his life here https://chinachannel.org/2019/03/22/dai-li/ and here https://ww2db.com/person_bio.php?person_id=894. The long and short of it is that he rose from obscure poverty to work under Chiang Kai-Shek [ˈtʃæŋ kaɪˈʃɛk], the leader of the Kuomintang [ˌkwəʊmɪnˈtaŋ] or Republic of China, which ruled mainland China between 1928 and 1949. Dai Li ran the Military Statistics Bureau, also known as the Bureau of Investigation and Statistics or Juntong (Jūntǒng) for short, which was the front for the Kuomintang’s intelligence/security/secret police arm. Like his in-show counterpart, Dai Li’s reputation is one rife with foul play, assassination, and the prioritization of internal threats over external and arguably bigger ones.

The name of his rumored girlfriend, Chinese actress Hu Die (meaning “butterfly”) is pronounced Hú Dié. She was also known as Butterfly Wu. Dai Li died in a plane crash on the way to visit her, one stormy night in 1946—jury’s out on whether that was an accident or not.

Option D: Monk Gyatso & Tenzin / Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama

This option is interesting in that the same historical figure is reference twice in the Avatar universe: both Monk Gyatso, Aang’s mentor, https://avatar.fandom.com/wiki/Gyatso and Tenzin, Aang’s son, https://avatar.fandom.com/wiki/Tenzin are references to the same figure: the current Dalai Lama, also known by the first two of his religious names, Tenzin Gyatso [tɛ̃ ́tsĩ càtsʰo].

You can read more about the Dalai Lama’s remarkable life here:

[1] https://www.britannica.com/biography/Dalai-Lama-14th

[2] https://www.dalailama.com/the-dalai-lama/biography-and-daily-life/brief-biography

As we mentioned in the episode, the Dalai Lama is officially an influential leader (but not the head) of the Gelug [ɡèluʔ] school of Tibetan Buddhism. He and his past lives are believed to be the reincarnations of the Bodhisattva Avalokiteśvara [ˌʌvəloʊkɪˈteɪʃvərə], or Chenrézik in Tibetan.

The connection between the Borjigin lineage and the Dalai Lama, which we touch on, is actually a really interesting one. According to Jack Weatherford’s The Secret History of the Mongol Queens, the word “lama” comes from a Tibetan word for “chief” or “high priest” and is a title given to spiritual teachers in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition. In 1578, two Borjigin descendants—Mongol leaders Altan Khan and Queen Noyanchu Junggen—gave the title of “Dalai,” a Mongolian word meaning “sea,” to the Tibetan lama Sonam Gyatso, making him the first Dalai Lama (“sea of knowledge”). Each of Sonam Gyatso’s subsequent reincarnations has borned the same title, including the Dalai Lama we know and love today.

Finally, in the episode we touched on the real-world and ongoing conflict between China and Tibet. Yes, the Fire Nation is much closer to imperial China than it is to Japan, although there are certainly semblances to Japan too. You can read more about that in ATLA-Annotated’s tag “The Fire Nation is not Japan” https://atla-annotated.tumblr.com/tagged/The+Fire+Nation+is+not+Japan and specifically this post: https://atla-annotated.tumblr.com/post/14206674362/on-the-fire-nation-tibet-and-the-genocides-the

If you’ve made it this far, thanks so much for reading and listening and we’ll see you in a couple of weeks!

#avatar: the last airbender #atla #history #the legend of korra #china #guys this episode was so much #SO MUCH #episode 12

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ramajmedia · 5 years

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Big Bang Theory: The 10 Worst Things Amy Has Ever Done, Ranked

While Sheldon may have a problem with the adage, "the more the merrier", it certainly applies to The Big Bang Theory. Initially, the sitcom was about a group of nerdy guys, but when a few girls are added to the mix, it livens up the popular series even more. Among the ladies, Amy Farrah-Fowler is by far the nerdiest. She dresses like a fusty schoolmarm, writes Little House on the Prairie fan fiction, and is brand new to the whole "having friends" thing.

RELATED: Big Bang Theory: 5 Relationships Fans Were Behind (& 5 They Rejected)

While the rest of her group makes an Olympic sport out of hurling insults, Amy is a delightful person to be around. But that doesn't mean she's perfect. She's been known to make the occasional social gaffe and can sometimes be downright disrespectful. Here is Big Bang Theory: The 10 Worst Things Amy Has Ever Done, Ranked.

10 Lies to Sheldon and Penny

When the people you love are being a little too extra, sometimes you need a break. Amy and Bernadette find themselves in this position, both tired about Sheldon and Penny's respective complaining. Thus, the girls lie about their whereabouts and go for drinks alone. Finally able to unwind, Amy and Bernadette enjoy other's company...until they're caught red-handed.

This isn't exactly a friendship felony. It's barely even a misdemeanor. But even white lies can be hurtful when discovered. It would have been a kinder approach for the girls to explain to Sheldon and Penny that they're sympathetic to their problems, but need a break from hearing about them. That would be leaps and bounds better than getting caught with their metaphorical pants down.

9 Has a tantrum about Penny not wanting kids

For a self-proclaimed "bestie", Amy sure isn't supportive of Penny's decision not to have children. Women in Penny's position are constantly shamed, being perceived as "selfish". Never mind the crestfallen Leonard, according to Amy, Penny should be thinking about her. Apparently, Amy has grand plans for her kids and Penny's kids to be friends.

RELATED: Big Bang Theory: 10 Times Amy And Penny Were Friendship Goals

Historically, Amy has relished the idea of being Penny's shoulder to cry on, whether she needs one or not. Here's any instance where Penny actually does, or could at least use a sympathetic ear, and Amy flies into a tirade. Who's really the selfish one here?

8 Lets Ricky the monkey smoke in her apartment

Amy is a neurobiologist who frequently works with animals. One experiment involves exploring addiction in primates. Whether or not you find this kind of research unethical, giving a monkey a cigarette like it's a toy veers much closer into animal cruelty territory. Amy's reasoning for the cigarette is that she's already killing him as part of her research, so why not make him comfortable? Even when doing the wrong thing, Amy is still trying to be a good person, but her logic is definitely flawed.

7 Is a jerk to Wil Wheaton

It turns out that Sheldon's Youtube show, "Fun with Flags" is anything but. Go figure. Yes, it answers all the questions you didn't ask about flags, but behind the scenes, tension brews. This comes to a head when Sheldon asks former nemesis Wil Wheaton to be a guest on the show.

Many believe that Wil is the aggressor here, but it's actually Amy. She repeatedly criticizes Wil's delivery and when he mentions that he's doing this for free, Amy replies that they're still not getting their money's worth. That is a witty, but rather harsh burn. Wil tries to be patient but eventually calls Amy out as a "pain in the ass." It's hardly the most diplomatic thing to say, but Wil's kinda-sorta right. We've seen Wil be exceedingly obnoxious before and this isn't one of those times.

6 Exploits Penny's heartbreak

Leonard and Priya are one of the least shipworthy couples of the series. Characters and viewers alike loathe this pairing. But Amy was not among their number. Quite the opposite, Amy's delighted because it gave her a chance to bond with Penny in hatred toward her ex's new squeeze.

So imagine Amy's disappointment when Penny gives the relationship her blessing. This just won't do. Amy goes out of her way to state a case why Priya is better for Leonard than Penny. Ouch. But Amy has even more to gain by Penny's heartbreak—Amy wants to monitor Penny's brainwaves when she's crying for the purpose of an experiment.

5 Is a terrible date to Stuart

In many ways, Stuart is perfect for Amy. They're both well-meaning, awkward people, who treat loneliness like a second skin. Though Amy's involved with Sheldon, they aren't official. Stuart sees a golden opportunity and, with Sheldon's blessing, asks Amy out.

The date goes fantastically and Stuart can't believe his sheer luck at having scored such a "dynamite lady". But before we can officially ship Stamy, Sheldon changes his mind. He interrupts Stamy's date at the movies, asking Amy to be his girlfriend. She accepts.

Amy has a right to be with whomever she wants, but agreeing to go steady with one man while on a date with another is just cold. Stuart, bless his doormat soul, sees the rest of the date through and even walks Amy home.

4 Becomes the maid of honor from hell

Maid of honor is one of the hardest jobs there is. It requires steely selflessness to be emotional Secret Service to the bride. You need the right person.

Bernadette maybe should have thought twice about asking Amy to be her maid of honor purely out of guilt. We get that Amy has likely never been asked to be in a bridal party, but she takes things a bridge too far by declaring Howard and Bernadette's wedding as her special day. When it looked like the wedding would be called off, Amy was sadder for herself than Bernadette. But the icing on the (wedding) cake is Amy growing irate when Howard and Bernadette decide to have a quickie wedding.

RELATED: Big Bang Theory: The 10 Worst Things Bernadette Has Ever Done, Ranked

3 Guilts Penny into hanging the world's ugliest painting

We'll always cringe at Amy's "bestie" days, when she clung to Penny like a barnacle. This culminates in Amy commissioning a massive—and massively ugly—painting of her and Penny. Amy's so deluded that she doesn't even noticed Penny's pained expression in the painting. Amy presents Penny with this monstrosity of a gift...that she paid $3000 for. Penny hangs it up but takes it down at first opportunity, only for Amy to work the guilt-trip. Thus, Penny re-hangs the painting and it stays there until she moves out.

2 Belittles Howard's achievements

Compared to her boyfriend, Amy has the social grace of Emily Post. But there is an instance that finds Amy taking up one of Sheldon's more unpleasant habits—belittling Howard's achievements. She even goes so far as to refer to Howard's space travel as his "little moment in the sun." That's petty enough, but saying it to Bernadette is just plain cruel. And also a straight-up dumb idea considering what an emotional hell-demon Bernadette can be. Bernie wastes no time in getting right down in the muck with Amy, slinging low blows about Amy and Sheldon's lack of a sex life. Both women say some ugly things but Amy totally started it.

1 Stays with Sheldon way too long

It's hardly a hot take to say that Sheldon was a terrible boyfriend throughout most of his relationship with Amy. And that's not her fault. But here's the thing—Sheldon is no charlatan. He never paints himself as a certain type of suitor in order to woo Amy only to flip the script when he had her in his clutches. He makes it blatantly clear that he requires little to no intimacy in a relationship and expects to give little in return.

Initially Amy is not only onboard but presents herself the same way. But then she changes. Having more solid friendships with Penny and the gang, Amy realizes that she closed off a part of herself. That's great that she's growing, but for the longest time, Sheldon wasn't. We're happy that Shamy got their happily ever after, but in an alternate universe, Amy should have been with someone who deserved her. *Cough...Stuart*

NEXT: Big Bang Theory: The 10 Worst Things Leonard Has Ever Done, Ranked

source https://screenrant.com/big-bang-theory-worst-things-amy-ever-done-ranked/

#screenrant

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vigrxwarning · 4 years

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why do i premature ejaculation

Contents

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Herein, the male partner achieves orgasm (ejaculates) way before his spouse’s liking, leading to embarrassing situations and marred relationships. If you have been fighting to get rid of this menace then ayurvedic medicine for premature ejaculation can be of great help.

· That is what is called "Pre-Ejaculate" and should NOT be confused with PREMATURE ejaculation which has been done by the SPAM MERCHANT who constantly advertises some nonsense written by an unknown Canadian bloke for an "ezine" under the guise of "advice" but ALWAYS leads to a page entitled "HOW TO ORDER" which is a bit of a give-away to its spam content – and on top of that,

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Premature ejaculation and Sudden urge to urinate. WebMD Symptom Checker helps you find the most common medical conditions indicated by the symptoms premature ejaculation and sudden urge to urinate including Erectile dysfunction and Overactive bladder syndrome. There are 2 conditions associated with premature ejaculation and sudden urge to urinate.

Premature ejaculation (coming too soon) Most young men, at the start of their sexual lives, come’ quickly during intercourse, and this is probably a normal part of their sexual learning experience. Being highly sexed and easily aroused, they may be unable to hold off an orgasm until the female partner is also on the brink of one.

Premature ejaculation is when a man ejaculates less than 1 minute during coitus, some will ejaculate before penetration, some will ejaculate even mere just having a wild thought. At times it is normal to ejaculate prematurely especially among the newly wedded, you don’t expect to be a professional when you have just 3 days experience, hence.

4) Factors that lead to premature ejaculation. In your quest to figure out why do I cum so fast, explore if there is a potential psychological or medical issue that may be adding to your speediness. As a certified sex therapist, I’ve worked with hundreds of men who had dealt with ejaculating too fast due to both psychological and medical factors.

source https://www.vigrxwarning.com/why-do-i-premature-ejaculation/

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katmac95 · 6 years

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Why the fuck do I have PTSD?

Some first blog post, eh?

I’ll be using this blog to say things that are a bit too long for Twitter, but things I still feel the need to say.

First, I want to talk about my PTSD and why I have it.

Some people don’t like talking about their trauma. I need to. I don’t enjoy talking about it, but it does make me feel freer when I do. It gets it out of my head and off my chest, so to speak. And that helps me.

This post may not be pretty but it’s not supposed to be. The stuff I’m going to share is all very raw and rough, so its delivery will reflect that.

*deep breath*

I’ll start from the beginning, I guess.

From the time I was small, my father beat my mother. Often, he did this in front of me. My mom left my father with me in tow after sixteen months of marriage, and they were divorced shortly after. I still remember him coming after us with a knife when I was a baby. I remember times when I’d hide behind the toilet and refuse to let anyone touch me. I remember screaming at the top of my lungs because I was scared to death and that terrified energy had nowhere else to go.

When they divorced, my father was awarded partial custody of me by the state. God knows how a man with multiple convictions of DV and drug possession could get partial custody, but whatever. He did.

During his visitation weekends, he would often: hit me, swear at me, call me names, hit me with a belt or other objects, hit my dogs, break my things, withhold medical care (I once broke my foot under his care, and he refused to take me to a hospital), didn’t feed me (I taught myself to cook at 5 years old because of this, though he’d get angry if I tried to feed myself on the days when he wouldn’t).

And when he’d get new girlfriends, he’d beat them, too (again, in front of me). I remember one night, my dad was mad at his long-time girlfriend (they were off and on for most of my childhood) for one thing or another, and he slammed her hand in a door and broke it. I was in the next room, and I still remember her screams and the mangled mess he’d made of her hand. She filed a police report against him, and he went to jail for that.

I believe he’d been to jail quite a few times by the time I came into the world. When I was a kid, I remember him being incarcerated three separate occasions. I’m pretty sure two of those three were for domestic violence, the other for drugs. Or perhaps vice versa. I’m not sure, but his buddy would always bail his sorry, stupid ass out. Even as a kid, I remember hating that buddy, and wishing my father would stay incarcerated until I turned eighteen. At least then, I wouldn’t have had to see him.

Yeah, so, about the drugs... My dad’s drug of choice was meth. Or, well, his buddies referred to it by its street name, aka “crank”. He smoked it, sometimes around me. It smelled like sweat, cat piss, and cookies, in case you wondered. Now, meth has a rep for being one of the worst drugs on the market, with good reason.

First, there’s the rush. The person will wig the fuck out, but at least they’re “happy”-ish… It’s mania to the extreme. If depression is a low, then meth is high, HIGH, H I G H. Some people gouge their eyes out, others talk seven miles a minute and make you watch Alex Jones and read Andrew Anglin (yeah, my father was a keeper). He was never quite “gouge out his eyeballs” bad, but I do remember some weird manic shit (he once hooked a package of hamburger meat to some jumper cables from his car because the government had supposedly installed nanotechnology in this particular package of meat to spy on him).

Then would come the downward spiral when the rush began to fade. His mania would very quickly shift to irritability, anger, paranoia, and he would threaten to (or actually) beat the shit out of me for “looking at him wrong”. Or he’d threaten to kill himself if I did something he didn’t like. Or he’d threaten to drive us off a cliff, to kidnap me, or to [insert suggestion here]. Being with someone coming down from a rush is fucking terrifying, to say the least.

Finally, there’s the crash. The user will become so tired, they’ll spend entire days in bed. They don’t eat, they don’t acknowledge their responsibilities, they just kind of lie there like they’re dead for the whole weekend and get upset with you if you ask them to make you food (even though you’re a child and afraid of burning yourself on the stove because you’re not tall enough to actually reach it yet).

Through all this, my mom did pretty much nothing, despite the fact that I told her literally every single weekend that I was scared my father was going to kill me. I implored her to ask for sole custody (the fact that I knew that term at six should’ve been a clue that I knew what I was talking about), but she refused because she was scared of him. I was, too, only I couldn’t do anything about it without her help. CPS was called twice on him, but I wasn’t bruised “enough”. And my mother was too afraid to act, so nothing was done. Though I estranged myself from my father at fifteen, he had partial custody in the state’s eyes until I was eighteen.

Next up, my childhood babysitter, who was a right piece of work. Her children would steal my belongings and then claim they were theirs (I remember this little foam souvenir I got from Seattle that her kids took, and when I went to retrieve it, I was punished). This daycare provider’s methods of punishment were archaic. She and my father would’ve been great friends, I think. This woman would punish us by literally locking us in a 2x2 coat closet for hours at a time. We couldn’t sit, we had to stand. We couldn’t make noise, we had to “think about our actions”. And it was completely dark; even the gap under the door was covered. Now, I was kid who–with my trauma history–acted out a LOT (I mean, daily), so I dare say I likely spent more hours inside that closet than out of it when I was 3 and 4.

Oh, and when she was extra angry, she’d step on our hands or backs.

Yes, that sounds unbelievably barbaric. Her daycare facility was closed down in 1999 or 2000, I think, because a parent threatened to sue (or did sue, I’m not sure).

When I was young, my dad used to leave me with people I didn’t know in our neighborhood, while he… well, I don’t know what he was doing, but I’m guessing it involved something illicit. Anyway, this one time, when I was six, he left me with a teenage boy who lived across the way (my dad gave him a few dollars to babysit or whatever). And this kid had seemed nice enough. But, part of the way through the day, we rode our bikes down to the local creek to skip rocks. The boy threatened to drown me if I didn’t let him grope me. I’m not proud of this, but I acquiesced. He got mad at me for resisting, and threw me and my bike into the creek. My dad got mad at me for it.

And onto the next trauma, which is definitely in the same vein as the last. I mentally and emotionally cannot handle going into specifics here, but when I was ten, I was raped by a doctor. I was then groped by another doctor when I was eighteen. This is the only chunk of trauma I will keep relatively private, because it remains the most traumatic experience of my life and I just can’t talk about, it other than to acknowledge that it happened and that I’m terrified of doctors as a result.

Last one about my dad, I promise.

My dad would sometimes show up at places where I was (school, out to meals, etc.). These were places he was not supposed to be, mind you, as he wasn’t supposed to see me outside of visitation weekends. Sometimes, he used to threaten to kill himself/ me/ others/ pets with his rifle (the only reason I knew he had a rifle was because he kept threatening to use it). He would physically block my exits, always had to control where I was or who I was with, and liked to grab my wrists to physically restrain me. I mean, he was the epitome of abusive white male. My father is the most vile excuse for a human being that I have ever had the misfortune of knowing.

While we’re talking physical abuse, when I was a kid, I had a scout leader. This one time, when I was fifteen, she was mad at me for “mouthing off” when I refused to do something (a chore, because I’d been doing all the chores and I didn’t think it was fair that I was always working while my peers had all the fun–that was a valid complaint, btw). She got mad, came up on deck of the scout boat, grabbed me hard enough to leave bruises, dragged me down a ladder by the arm, and physically prevented me from going back above deck until I had done the stupid chore.

Because I felt unsafe, I left the program and tried to join another unit. But they turned a blind eye (because that’s scouting in America). I left the program altogether and forfeited all the awards I’d spent multiple years to earn. I failed my junior year of high school because of the resulting period of depression (I also dissociated the entire year of 2012, and don’t remember 99% of that school year).

Throughout all of this, my mother was... I mean, she tried in her way. I believe that. But when I sought comfort or told her I was suicidal, she’d say things like I was annoying or she should’ve aborted me. So, while I’m sure she cared in her way, she didn’t (or couldn’t) be what I needed in a mother. She was often just as angry and unpredictable as my father, though far less violent.

My mom also tends to shut down or change the topic if the current one makes her uncomfortable. She’d often give me the silent treatment as a kid, until I dropped whatever it was we were talking about. Or she’d yell at me/ call me names/ whatever. Unfortunately, many of these conversations had to do with my abuse, so these hurtful things often came during times when she knew I was already vulnerable. While I believe my mother cares and has always cared, she was not able to protect me as a child, and I don’t know if I can make my peace with that. She wasn’t able to be what I needed, and that has weighed on me for most of my life now.

I’ve never really had a safe adult in my life to turn to. I don’t know if anyone can be what I need, but I know I still need it. And that’s a tricky place to be. My therapist has said I should’ve been placed in foster care, and I’ve often thought maybe my life would’ve turned out different—better, even—if I had been. Though, I suppose there’s little point dwelling on this; I will never know, and I’ll have to be okay not knowing. I just wish I had a safe “chosen family” to kind of balance out all the chaos. Like an anchor, I suppose.

I have tried to kill myself three times, the most recent of these attempts in September 2017. I regularly struggle with nightmares, suicidal thoughts, shame, guilt, anger, lying (I tell people I’m fine when I’m not, or that I’m taking better care of myself than I am), trouble focusing, and the list goes on and on. I also curse like a fucking sailor, in case you hadn’t noticed (it’s angry energy that needs a place to go... I’m not punching anybody).

So, that’s why the fuck I have PTSD.

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