i don’t know how far my reach is but here in Aotearoa, we have a time honoured tradition. Crate Day. Where on the first saturday of december (first saturday of summer here in the southern hemisphere) you buy a crate of beer (12 bottles (750mls each (9 litres of beer))) and you start at midday and you have until midnight to finish them (1 bottle per hour) but beer is gross as hell so some people do two boxes (of rtds) (24 bottles/cans of a Ready To Drink)

but i am a little baby light weight

and so my flatmate and i decided to just split a bottle of prosecco and make mimosas. but then we realised that was only 3-4 standards each. so we got red bull and decided to vodka redbulls. and then we realised we had both opened a v (energy drink in nz) so i have currently drunk 2 vodka redbulls and half a bottle of wine and one vodka v.

i was having an excellent time listening and jamming to 2010’s tunes. i decided to make people food

then two other girls came over

they didn’t eat any of my food

and now it’s not 2010’s music it’s music i don’t like

and it flatmate who i was drinking with is talking to the other girls more and ignoring me and my additions to the conversation

and now i’m not having fun anymore :( i just want to jam out to white girl music as i down a bottle of wine

is that too much to ask :(

Hello kittycutysicky 1,2,10,12

1. When did you first realize that something was wrong?

i have always been off, but i really started to notice it around the end of 5th grade. (i think i was around 10 years old?) i was placed into counseling for a short amount of time after i had threatened to kill myself during a fight with my best friend. i was also constantly daydreaming and felt disconnected from my surroundings, everything was really hazy and, at the time, i didn’t know what dissociation was. i had just assumed that everyone felt that way sometimes. I started to realize that most people didn’t actually feel this way. and most people my age didn’t feel suicidal either. that’s when it really clicked that something was wrong.

2. What was your childhood like?

My home life was unstable. my mom divorced my father when i was very young due to his alcoholism. she started seeing a couple other guys and they were very bad people; they mistreated me and my mother. my mom and the people she saw were constantly fighting. i was mistreated by them for most of my childhood. (CPS even got involved a couple times.) We also, as a family, moved around a lot during that time too. In school, i was a good student and managed to get placed into advanced classes, but I didn’t fit in well. I had friends, but I definitely struggled. It wasn’t all bad though, I have many good memories, too! Although my father wasn’t around for very long, I remember he sometimes took me and my older brother to super fun places. I still have the souvenirs from those days. There’s so many other things I could talk about but I don’t wanna write too much!

10. What are three myths about BPD that people need to understand- and three hard truths about BPD?

Myths:

Borderlines are just dramatic

BPD isn’t that serious/not a valid diagnosis

People with BPD are manipulative and only want attention

Hard Truths:

Borderlines experience emotions far more intensely than the average person. While spiked emotions may just appear “dramatic” from an outside perspective, the emotions are very real for the person experiencing them. They can be so painful that many people with bpd turn to escape methods/try to numb the pain by using methods such as drugs, alcohol, deliberate self-harm, etc. Telling a borderline they are “just being dramatic” invalidates what they are going through.

BPD is a severe condition that can require treatment; neglecting care for the disorder can be severely harmful. Suicide rates among borderlines are extremely high, with 10% of borderlines dying from suicide (this is 50% higher than the general population)

The idea that people with BPD are manipulative and only want attention is a very negative and harmful stigma. People with BPD feel emotions more intensely than the average person, and, many people diagnosed with BPD also struggle with depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and eating disorders, among other things. While some borderlines behave in toxic ways (especially in media representation), they do not represent everyone else with the disorder or even the majority.

12. Can you please explain how your BPD has taken control over your life- please list and describe three main areas for someone that is not well educated on this disorder.

Interpersonal Relationships - Everyone experiences the disorder differently. In my case, I struggle a lot with attachment and emotional dependency. I always seem to end up with a “FP” (favorite person). FPs, for people with BPD, are people - or, a person, whom they have an emotional dependency on. FPs can make or break our days and it’s usually a roller coaster of emotions to have a FP. I can be having a great day and be in a great mood, but notice my FP left a message on read, and spiral downhill for the rest of day as a result. I know it’s irrational to think and feel this way, so I try my best to never bring it up or act on it during our interactions. However, I can’t stop feeling these intense emotions over my FP’s words and actions that should not bother me. To give some more examples, it can also be things like, a shift in tone in their voice, them spending time with other friends, talking to me less than normal, even just being busy with life! These things lead to me spending hours in bed because of the intensity of my emotions, self-harming, and I used to have a problem with alcohol. There is honestly so, so much more to this but I don’t wanna write too much.

Sense of Identity - I dont really know who I am; my interests and goals can shift rapidly. I’ll find a new hobby and think i’m passionate about it, only to get bored and lose interest soon after. I’ll pick out a career path, and think “this is it!! this is what i’ll do with my life!!” and change my mind the next day. I don’t know what I’m passionate about, I don’t know what I want for my future, it’s always changing and i get discouraged easily. I don’t understand who I am as a person, i pick up characteristics and viewpoints from my friends or even characters i admire, but I don’t know how much of it is actually “me”, especially since these characteristics can sometimes conflict with each other, if that even makes sense?. My image of myself is usually distorted in some way. Body Dysmorphia is another common symptom of BPD and it involves obsessing over perceived flaws in appearance. One example is that I weigh 85 pounds and once I start to get close to 90, I start eating an unhealthily low amount to maintain the 85. Another thing that affects my self image is “black and white thinking”. it’s the inability to see both the good and bad in something, you either see “all good” or “all bad”. so sometimes I think of myself as an a great person, an angel even. other days, i hate myself more than you can imagine. This sort of thinking also applies to the way i sometimes view other people, not just the way i view myself, and this relates more to #1- I often switch between idealizing and idolizing somebody i’m close to, and devaluing them. One day they are a saint and nothing less, but after something minor, they are suddenly a monster of a human being. and it can go back and forth. (this is also called splitting) It’s an awful way of thinking, but i’ve learned to recognize it and I try not to act on these thoughts- managing and rationalizing them is key!  

Day to Day Life - As somebody who is unmedicated, not in therapy, and living in a toxic environment, i struggle. Because my mood can shift so easily, I can never really trust myself to be okay. I have moments, or sometimes even days, where i’m beaming with joy and i accomplish a lot, and tell myself i can do this everyday. but i always end up crashing back down. or, i just lay in bed for hours feeling drained, unmotivated, and incapable of accomplishing things. 

There is so much more that I didn’t get into, but i covered a couple important things! If you actually read this all the way through- thank you so much for taking the time to listen to my thoughts- this is something that I don’t really talk about, most of my friends and even the people im closest to don’t know too much; i just don’t talk about it often, so im glad to share my experiences and thoughts on this ♡