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brotoman-exe · 1 month

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So seeing as the trailer is finally out and one of my more frequently revisited posts is about this movie let's talk the trailer. Now these are off the cuff barely put together ramblings with like an hour to think on it so don't take this as a final verdict or my hardest stance ever.

The Good

- It looks generally alright. There is some clear signs someone was flipping through the art book for the War For Cybertron games when designing a lot of this stuff. As well I'm interested to see how the 'surface' is seeming to be overgrown with plant life and the like.

- Alpha Trion and some sort of grave, of the other 13?, shows up and seems like they are going with the G1 style of him making Optimus and Elita into their present selves, just adding Megatron and Bumblebee there.

- Elita One even getting to be a major player is pretty neat. Really a rise to prominence from a time when I think people didn't even know female characters existed before Arcee.

- Also Quintessons seeming to be an oppressive class enslaving the Cybertronians is another good G1 call back.

- Also having both Orion and M-16 start as workers is nice since it means you can't accuse Optimus of not knowing just how bad the system was when he opposes Megatron going full Peace Through Tyranny.

The Bad

- The dialogue, like you know it, I know it, and everyone else knows it. Now to start not saying Transformers can't be goofy or funny, '80s film everyone has a dance party to Weird Al and fandom loves the hell out of that movie. But that felt more organic to G1s general sillier side versus this where it feels the writers looked up a bunch of posts satirizing later stage MCU diaologue and thought "yes let's do that".

- Bumblebee being there, since seems he is just being shoved in as comic relief and cause marketers love Bumblebee versus a fourth main character being needed for this story.

The Fear

This is more speculation on from what the trailer presents could be bad about the film but I can't say 100% from the trailer.

- Elita One being in the movie being reduced to other three main characters are going to spend parts of the movie having the hots for her or the plot being configured into any kind of terrible love shape. (I will barely accept a love triangle with Orion and M-16 if those two are also onto each other. Transformers made enough strides in LGBT rep to not back slide into the worst of Het writing now.)

- Bonus negative points if Elita One getting hurt or dying is used as the final straw for Optimus and Megatron's relationship breaking apart.

- The reveal of the names Optimus Prime, Megatron, and Elita One not being allowed to be good moments and instead get ruined by shitty jokes (Like how the RWBY/Justice League film had to constantly make jokes about Superman being called Superman. I get it writers are so above silly naming schemes like that in the 2020s now, but just shut up)

- Speaking or other things that are atrocious I'm worried this movie is going to pull a Devil May Cry reboot and just have Megatron swerve into "I wanna be Big Dick Dictator of the Galaxy" two seconds after they beat the Quintessons like how Fedora!Vergil went "I'm actually evil and we should now in some vague way rule the world Dante" right after the 'Kingpin From Marvel but turned into a giant made of buildings' boss fight. So no time will be given to the deteriorating state of Orptimus' and Megatron's relationship before hand. That or they sequel bait the downfall and we have to cross our fingers it was good enough to get a sequel.

- The Quintessons will have their menace damaged by bad pot shot jokes/references to the original animated movie.

- We spend all movie with MCU quips Bumblebee but Starscream never shows up.

The Hope

But that is all nerves and speculation as so far I've just seen a single trailer. So what about positive possibilities.

- The major one is the trailer is just cut by brainless add executives and a lot of the worst quips are either not in the movie or there is way more good dialogue and the stuff in the trailer was all of it.

- They actually do give some other members of the Decepticons appearances and completing backstories of their own.

- Optimus and Megatron are in unambiguous romantic love before the big break up.

- They do some really interesting stuff with the lore based on some of that cool environmental design. Perhaps a more interesting version of Megatronus for Megatron to be inspired by?

- Lastly this film just needs to clear the low bar set by most of the Bay Films to not be bad at this point. And I highly doubt this movie can do anything to hit the "Your Racist Uncle" level of some Revenge of the Fallen scenes or "Mmm I sure do love high school girls" level of the first one and especially Age of Extinction scenes.

#Transformers #Transformers One #Maccadams #Optimus Prime #Megatron #Elita One #Bumblebee #Trailer speculation #Alpha Trion #Quintessons #Youtube

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pynkhues · 2 years

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Juno!!

I actually get a little defensive when it comes to Juno, because I think the flack Diablo Cody got after the movie was unwarranted. She's a great writer and this swell of shitty backlash against her, to me, felt like a byproduct of her a) being a woman, b) having been a sex worker, and c) the fact that women have always been at the heart of the stories she's told, from Juno to Jennifer's Body to United States of Tara to One Mississippi.

That's not to say I think she's a perfect screenwriter undeserving of criticism, because I think there are plenty of genuine criticisms to be made of her work, particularly around white feminism and pacing issues, but I think a lot of the criticism was about discrediting her as a writer at all, particularly in the sort of meme-ification of her dialogue.

Juno deserved every accolade it got at the time, and I begrudge the revisionist history of it. It's a good movie. It's not anti-choice, because Juno comes close to getting an abortion and just decides it's not what she, herself, wants; it's sharp and compelling, and the late act solidarity between Juno and Jennifer Garner's Vanessa is a moment I really, really love.

It's a messy, imperfect, complicated film, but it's also one I hold a lot of affection for, in no small part because I was about 16 when it came out, and I remember seeing it at the cinema and just knowing, for one of the first times in my life, that a woman wrote it, and that meant a lot to me at the time.

ask me about a film

#plus i think the way it explores the opportunism of certain men #aka jason bateman's character #when it comes to young women #is p much spot on #they don't see themselves as predators because they're not stalking school pick-up #but when a teenage girl lands on their doorstep #well #the movie explores a lot!#juno #film asks #film ask game #welcome to my ama

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maliciousspirit · 2 years

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Re-do - Modern Baseball

A shitty analysis of Davesprite through it

I wanna start from the top, maybe like a do-over

(Obviously him going back to save John, maybe just speculating abt whether he’ll do it/when)

replace the voices in my head with blind innocence

(Could be extra voices he gets once he sprites himself- he gets knowledge of the game but he is still Decidedly Human and probably can’t take the sheer amount of *INFORMATION* sprites have; it’s probably broke up into chunks to not overwhelm him)

I wanna complete re-do, maybe change my name

(Pretty self explanatory, I see it more so as like. Him *before* John dies, bein like “I wish we never played this game”)

Report the loses grab the claim, it’s a shame it's such a shame

(Either rose or Dave saying that they think John & jade is dead, “reporting” the losses to eachother)

We’re pissing away our time cause we’re pissing away these beers

(They kind of have unlimited time? Like as long as they don’t die they’re pretty much set in their timeline. They’re kind of wasting the excess, along with grinding and stuff, and it’s already established that rose has alcoholic tendencies; so when you have two siblings, one who’s established to become addicted, and kill two of their friends? I’d be genuinely shocked if they didn’t get fucked Up at least once)

No monumental moment ever came from saying

(Sarcasm!)

“Come on dude, just take one more shot”

(From monumental moment to here it feels like. Davesprite being like “oh, nothing bad has EVER happened from killing John in a timeline!

So the dialogue would be “COM3 ON DUD3, JUST T4KE ON3 MOR3 SHOT”)

(Also technically the chorus is that same later in the song but I’m gonna tweak it just a Bit, only a tad little bit)

Try to, try to forget, that your bones will dismantle

(I don’t think sprites have bones?? And while he’s keeping his general Shape he’s still sacrificing his body and autonomy to a certain extent)

And the dreams you had they’ll collide with time

(YES. This. The dream that Dave has *literally* collides with how the timeline is supposed to go, forcing him to become something he isn’t)

Your unrequited love for life will surely….

(First of all. The absolute banger like that is “your unrequited love for life”. And second, it’s very literal! Davesprite *wants* to exist, he wants to be Dave, he wants to survive, but life dealt him literally one of the worst hands)

Halt that I’m thinking way too much at night

(Him being like “if I’m gonna do this I’m gonna have to stop thinking abt it)

Maybe I could just move away or go extinct like triceratops

(You can’t convince me that Dave n rose didn’t consider just. Letting the game end. Everything happened during one day, at least up to act 5, but I can’t imagen how tired the strilondes especially must be)

But I love loving, watching movies, sitting back and also breathing

(These are all such. Domestic, human things. He wants to disappear to a certain extent, but he holds onto what he loves so tightly, even when he pushes them away like we see on the battleship)

My family and friends would be crushed, but is it enough

[No, it's not enough]

(Hence why he begins to push everyone away. I don’t know if it’s entirely intentional, but davesprite is a dick to them. I think part of it is him subconsciously protecting himself; he’s already witnessed their deaths, and if he just keeps them at an arms’ distance, the inevitable death will hurt less)

The future freaks me out but I guess I could just

Curl up in a ball and think

(Sad bird man)

(Again; I’m tweaking this chorus just a lil)

Try to, try to forget, that your bones *were dismantled

And the dreams you had they *all collide with time

Your unrequited love for life will surely….

Halt that I’m thinking way too much at night

(I already went over this, but now it’s more reminiscing/thinking abt him getting sprited and his timeline)

I won’t be breaking any barriers

(“I’m no longer a main character”)

So I’ll keep thinking the "future freaks me out"

(Davesprite lost his time powers. He’s lost a lot of the knowledge of time he’d had as Dave, along with the fact that he *knew* his future; but now they’re on a brand new timeline where he doesn’t know nearly as much as to what’s happening, and not only that, but he also doesn’t have a whole lot of control over it)

I won’t judge you if you think the same

So let’s keep thinking:

“Well the future, the future freaks us out!”

(Dave and davesprite, also just. All the kids being scared for the end of their journey)

#davesprite #homestuck

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themosleyreview · 1 year

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The Mosley Review: Worst Films of 2022

Well ladies and gentlemen, 2022 has come to an end. Luckily, this year of cinema hasn't had too many pitfalls in quality that infuriated me. Actually, I take that back. There was a few films that truly disappointed me, pissed me off and 1 film that I absolutely despised. That's right people, its time for my pick for the worst films of 2022. Now you may not agree with me on some of them and that's okay. All film is subjective and you can have your opinions, but these are mine. If you want a more detailed review of each film listed, then simply click the title of each film. So, lets get this over.

Doctor Strange and the Multiverse of Madness: I wouldn't say this was the worst of the year, but more of a disappointment. I happened to like that this was basically an Evil Dead version of the titular character, but I thought it was so inconsistent and lackluster in so many ways. If your gonna have a horror vibe then go all the way and get creepy with it. This film also introduced a new MCU character in the absolute worst way. America Chavez was absolutely useless for the majority of the film even though she has a decent backstory. The last fight in the film was just so bad and the story could've been over in 5 minutes with some simple logic. I wish this had tied into the animated series "What if?" in some sort of way. At least that Doctor Strange arc was more compelling than this.

Black Adam: I love DC. It is my comic book home over Marvel anyday and their heroes are just as important as their villains and anti heroes. When "Shazam!" was a success, it was only a matter of time before we were gonna get his darker counter part and I was excited until I saw the trailer. I knew something was off and I was right. I don't mind when a character's origin is altered a bit to fit with the times, but this was the most bland version ever. Dwayne Johnson can deliver a decent performance when he is challenged and he wasn't challenged at all in this film. This was one of his worst performances as he just delivers emotionless dialogue and floats around for the majority of the film with no sense of character development. The Justice Society of America was just slapped in for no reason and most of the team aside from Hawkman and Dr. Fate weren’t worthy of their names. Hey Black Adam, 2012 called. They want their villain plot and their shitty CGI back. It’s truly sad when the most memorable thing anyone will ever talk about is the post credit scene as being the best part of the film. You deserved better Henry Cavill.

Jurassic World: Dominion: Oh how this franchise has fallen so hard. It had a good, nostalgic and fun beginning that could've led to an amazing finale. What I was hoping to see is an actual world that's over run with dinosaurs. There was a short film released before the film called "Battle at Big Rock" and in that short you got a taste of what the film should’ve been. It had dinosaurs showing up in a camp site and wreaking havoc. It was tense and somewhat violent and everything that Dr. Ian Malcolm described it would be. What we got with this entry was a film about genetically enhanced locusts destroying crops. What the hell does that have to do with the dinosaurs you say? Nothing. How can you call yourself a Jurassic film when the dinosaurs aren't even the star of the film? Don't even get me started on legacy characters popping back up on screen just to have nothing to do but scream and get thrown around. What a disgrace to the franchise name.

Morbius: Do I need to really say anything about this dumpster fire of a movie? Visually the film was okay looking and I liked the ferocity of the character, but man was the rest of the film just horrible. This really didn't do anything to capture even the essence of the famous comic anti hero. This was just another day in the life of Jared Leto to be honest. The plot of the film was so bland, obvious and not even compelling enough to have a sense of fun. The only person I think was having fun as he just went for it in every scene, was Matt Smith. Listen Sony, I know you hold or have bought up all the rights to Spider-Man and all of his rogues, but for the love of all things holy, STOP making comic book movies like these. Outside of the Miles Morales animated films, you have consistently tainted each character with piss poor writing and god awful attempts to connect it to the Marvel Cinematic Universe. You even tried it here and it doesn't even make any sense! I hope you loose all the rights in the future so that the people over seeing the MCU can properly take care of these beloved characters. UGH!

And now we've come to it. The film that I consider to be the absolute worst of 2022 and the one film I hated the most is………..

Thor: Love and Thunder: If there's any character in the MCU that has had a full life experience and has become complete by Avengers: Endgame, its Thor. He is my favorite character of the MCU and it makes me so sick to my stomach to see what Kevin Feige and team have allowed Taika Waititi to do to him. Ragnarok was not the epic that it should've been, but it was tolerable once the Russo Brothers fixed the problems plaguing the character from that film. The character was ripped away from progress by Taika and tossed back into his "finding myself" story AGAIN when he already knew who he was! The constant usage of many OUTDATED memes including the stupid screaming goats, was so painful to witness. There was no sense of danger, no sense of compassion, no sense of urgency from any of the heroes. Jane Foster was given a story that could've been so heart wrenching, but it was met with god awful humor and didn't give the powerhouse dramatic actor that Natalie Portman is, anything to work with. Christian Bale was the best part of the film and he only got to shine in maybe 3 scenes that truly defined what this film should've been. This was an SNL sketch that was stretched too far and completely destroys any hope of saving the titular character for the future. When the news came that Taika wasn't gonna do anymore of these films, I rejoiced even though the massive damage had already been done. I truly and deeply hate this dog shit of a movie and in my opinion, it currently holds the number 1 spot of being the worst MCU film ever made.

And there it is ladies and gents! That is my list of the shiniest turds Hollywood crapped out in 2022. 2023 has already started and I hope that this year brings an even shorter list of stinkers. If you hated these films or liked my thoughts on them, let me know in the comments below. Thanks for reading!

#worst films of 2022 #benedict cumberbatch #chris hemsworth #chris pratt #jared leto #dwayne johnson #elizabeth olsen

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radioactivebeggars · 2 years

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So basically we have:

A remake from a studio, that can't do two things: make a good psychological horror and can't handle a delicate subject. The two things that Silent Hill 2 is famous for. And Konami decided that a studio that makes mediocre or just shitty games is the one that should work on remake. Yeah, cool.

Then we have the «idk game». Like, they didn't show anything, except dialogue which briefly sounds like this: «we're all bad here, but you're the worst». Idk man, logos on the background of the waves looked cool and that's the only thing I remember from the trailer.

And this is «discord the game». An interactive horror where players together decide which direction the story will went. Honestly, the thing with a chat made laugh so hard. Like.. The scariest part of the game is discord users or what?

F in the chat, boys. But for real, this game looks the most promising, which kinda hilarious, considering the fact that the only «Silent Hill» part of the game is its name. The whole flower thing looks nice, i like the vibes of it AND the story is written by Ryukishi07, which is a reall good sign.

And the last one is a movie based on Silent Hill 2. Okay, I don't really care, sorry.

#silent hill #silent hill 2 #silent hill 2 remake #silent hill townfall #silent hill ascension #silent hill f #return to silent hill

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monstermaster13 · 5 months

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Werebelushi Parody Reviews-

(Year: 2081)

(we see an elderly werebelushi in his retirement apartment with other retired internet reviews including Linkara, Nostalgia Critic, Blockbuster Buster, Cinema Snob, and Phelous, they are all seen together)

Elderly!Werebelushi:

You do know why the rest of you are here with me, right?

All except NC:

Yes, it's because everyone thinks we're rip-offs of him.

Nostalgia Critic:

I'm the original, I have no clue why i'm here.

Elderly!Werebelushi:

Well apparently we've all been lumped into the 'sad NC wannabe' category by the critics union's laws of critic categories. But i'm here mostly to do a review, hello everyone i'm That Werebelushi In The Shades, I remember when people had fully reviewed movies instead of doing short rants about them so you don't wait…I can't use that. I am here in my retirement home while my grandson Werebelushi Jr is on his way to visit me, so I am going to give a review of one of the worst documentary spoof movies I have seen..Nathan Document Part 30', the Nathan Document series is a series of lame documentary spoof movies that try to parody the 'Me Too' movement and are specifically made by a film company known for having tiffs with people for having different opinions.

The original Nathan Document barely made any money when it was released and yet it spawned tons and tons of stupid sequels including 'Nathan Document 2: Nathan's Revenge' 'Nathan Document 3: The Sequel That Is Even Better Than The Second.' 'Nathan Document: In Spaaaace' (which had the weird as fuck as body horror skin-ripping scene that was really good but was ruined with the reveal of it being a knockoff Killer Klown tf), 'Nathan Document: In Da Hood' 'Nathan Document 4: The Half-Way Point Between Being Good and Being Terrible.' 'Nathan Document 5: The Sequel That Is Now Officially A Bad Comedy' 'Nathan Document 6: The Final But Not Really Final Chapter' 'Nathan Document 7: The Meta Sequel to the Sequels' and of course Nathan Document: The Prequel Nobody Asked For and Nathan Document: The Remake Nobody Asked For.

It is sad how this studio just wouldn't stop trying to make smear campaign after smear campaign using Nathan's name and characters, they did this without his permission to and yeah it got to the point that all of the original cast members were replaced with clones and doppelgangers despite the producers trying to bring the cast back for this, yeah is it any wonder why I think it's sad when people don't move on and insisting on making sequels to their shitty vague-post-y movies? The original was bad as it is, it didn't need this many awful sequels.

The plot here is just a rehash of a previous plot about Nathan being ressurected after his death, when that already happened in the remake…heck, bringing Nathan back to life was a major plot point in Nathan Document 8 and then again in parts 10-19. The original cast has been replaced, the dialogue is still terrible even with the now completely improved AI writing some of it and it still just uses the same unoriginal jokes over and over again. Is this movie terrible? Good lord, yes.

#Monstermaster13 #parodic #spoof

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cinemacentral666 · 10 months

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The Painted Bird (2019)

Movie #1,078 • TWO FOR TUESDAY

The Painted Bird begins like this…

…and then proceeds to torture that child in pretty much every way you could imagine (psychologically, physically, and everything in between) for the better part of three hours. It is the ALL GAS NO BREAKS of films about the atrocities mankind unloads on one another. The main and perhaps only complaint I've seen levied against this boils down to just that: this is human suffering porn and human suffering porn sucks. I actually saw that phrase ("human suffering porn") used and it struck me (there's no shortage of shitty takes on this btw). That writer clearly had to make a distinction between this wonderfully shot black-and-white epic and something like Saw VI. To say, "I get that this Art, and I see how it checks off the boxes which makes something Art, but my mind can't parse any contrast between Jigsaw and Udo Kier." You can't really have it both ways, though.

Where torture porn exists purely in service of delivering those salacious goods, this strives to use those elements in service of delivering a message. Like any good war movie, this is stridently anti-war. And like the best war movies, it isn't political in the slightest. The Czech writer-director, Václav Marhoul, went as far as to use the Interslavic language (an auxiliary dialect used to facilitate communication between speakers of various Slavic languages) in order to obscure the actual location of these various Eastern Europe settings. One whiny critic actually wrote that "none of the film takes place in Germany [and] very little of the evil done to the kid has anything to do with Germans or Nazis." Like we needed to cut to a shot of Hitler pouting to understand why these people were living this way.

This movie is based on a 1965 book with a complex and fascinating backstory (its author is Jerzy Kosiński, who also penned Being There). It's pure fiction but what we know about the hell that was WWII suggests that all the gruesome elements aren't altogether fantastical. The parallels/similarities to the all-time classic Come and See (1985), at least on the surface, are instant and unmistakable even if they're not much more than "war seen through the eyes of a young boy." (Interestingly enough, Alexsey Kravchenko — who portrayed the boy in Come and See — plays a Russian military officer here, and one of the few "good guys" in The Painted Bird.) I don't think this is quite on par with Klimov's generational effort, but I'd still say it's a must-watch. As it turns out, this is simply a premium delivery system for the anti-war system.

For me, a grizzled vet of fucked-up horror, the worst moments weren't the violent and sicko outbursts, like when Udo Kier gouges a man's eyes out with a spoon. It was seeing the young boy striving to stay connected to some semblance of humanity in the wake of such things, like when he futilely delivers said eyeballs back to the man crying in the woods.

It was a fascinating choice to cast name actors, from all over the world, in small but important supporting roles in these various vignettes (the film is separated into seven specific chapters that could easily be viewed as shorts in their own right). Stellan Skarsgård doesn't utter a single line of dialogue and Barry Pepper, just one or two. There's the aforementioned Kier, and Harvey Keitel plays a priest. The late Julian Sands is a pedophile who gets eaten alive by rats. Like using the Impact font on the movie poster and inter-titles, this decision left me scratching my head, though not in a bad way.

But in the end this is child actor Petr Kotlár's movie. To subject someone as young as that to what we ultimately find onscreen isn't without a degree of moral ambiguity. That two stand-ins get a special shout-out in the credits alleviates some of this grief/guilt, but it's still worth mentioning. While I believe this is a much more valid complaint than simply stating you (an adult) were personally offended by the content, I choose to see this through a lens of bravery. He's really great in this without every speaking a word. I hope it doesn't/didn't fuck his life up.

I don't think this movie is begging you to look away. I think it's trying to make you look harder at what and why this could happen. Yes, all those Nazis we don't actually see, among many other things. It doesn't spell it out and never offers a concrete answer. The chief film critic of Variety walked out of this and in his "review" he willfully offers up a list of all the other films he's walked out of, among them:

I couldn’t get past the opening credits sequence of “Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2” (which had already managed to cutesify my favorite song, “Brandy” by Looking Glass), as Baby Groot dances to ELO’s “Mr. Blue Sky” while the ensemble fights a space alien in the background. I’d enjoyed the original, but the Guardians had clearly gotten too cool to care, so why should I?

Everyone's hell is vastly different in the end. My 2¢? Let's try to relate, even when that seems so painful that it's impossible. For example, I would have walked out of Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 also.

SCORE: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

#two for tuesday #war #2019 #9 #🇨🇿#václav marhoul director #petr kotlár #nina šunevič #stellan skarsgård #udo kier #harvey keitel #jitka čvančarová #julian sands #ala sakalova #aleksei kravchenko #barry pepper

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ratmonky · 3 years

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Blockbuster

Word Count: 3.6K

Warnings: dub-con, obsession

AO3 Link

“This week’s movie is…” you paused for the dramatic effect and met each one of your club members’ eyes before pulling out the DVD case from your bag. “Sweet Blossoms!”

Everyone groaned.

“Hey!” you laughed, putting the movie down on the desk. A gorgeous smile tugged at your lips. “It’s my turn so I get to choose!”

“You always choose the worst ones,” your classmate mumbled. “I’m sick of watching romantic comedies. Besides, this is one of the last times we’ll watch a movie in our club.”

Yeah, the graduation was close.

You pouted, giving one person, in particular, the puppy eyes. “Junpei,” you said. “Tell them something, you’re the president.”

Junpei chuckled nervously when you put him on the spot like that. “Haha, I… We made a promise to let one of us choose a movie each week, we should keep our promise.”

“I’m not watching that,” the other club member said. “We’re here to watch movies we appreciate, not whatever dumpster trash you like.”

Although the other two members were being mean, they were right.

“Guys,” Junpei was unsure to say something. He could see how your smile vanished, your shoulders slackened as you flipped the DVD to its back so you wouldn’t need to see the cover title. “It’s her turn to choose.”

“Nevermind,” you uttered, putting the DVD back in your bag. “They’re right. I was being selfish. You can skip my turn.”

“But-”

“Great! I rented Pulp Fiction yesterday and brought it with me.” Your classmate dove his hand inside his bag to fish out the DVD.

Junpei noticed the way your lower lip trembled and you pressing your lips together to hide it. When your gaze met him, you forced a smile on your face, mouthing that it was alright.

You were just like him.

He got up from his seat to sit next to you as your classmate put the movie in the DVD player. It was nothing unusual, most of you sat together to make small comments during a movie.

You pushed your stuff on the desk to the side so he could have some space to put his bag.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, the movie had already started.

“There’s no reason for you to apologize,” you softly stated, leaning closer to keep your voice down and not disturb the movie. “It was my fault.”

“Still, we gather here to watch movies our members enjoyed. We’re not actual film critics or anything.” He was trying not to lower his gaze to your chest. One of the buttons had come undone on your shirt, he could see your bra. “Next week is my turn, I can rent the movie you wanted to watch so we can watch it. They won’t complain then.”

Your eyes widened and he could swear that he saw them sparkle. A second later, you dropped your gaze to your lap to fidget with your fingers. “Nevermind, it’ll cause trouble. It’s passive-aggressive and I don’t wanna cause trouble for anyone. Nobody wanna watch the movie I chose anyway.”

“I do,” he whispered, cheeks flushing. While you weren’t looking he had gotten a chance to peek inside your shirt.

Lifting your head, you looked up at him with the prettiest and the most genuine smile he had ever seen. “Really?”

He nodded in affirmation, “We can watch it together after school if y-you wanna.”

“Shh!” The oldest club member turned and pointed two fingers at you and then to his eyes. “No flirting in the losers club.”

Both of you got quiet and it took you a long moment before leaning closer to tell Junpei something.

“So, where will we watch the movie?”

That was how he ended up bringing you to his place. You awkwardly sat on his bed and he tried to stop his shaking hands.

“I wish I had a television in my room too,” you said, starting a conversation to ease the mood. “You’re so lucky, Jun!”

Calling him nicknames like that… you were trying to make him delirious. “I-it’s nothing, it’s some old thing I got from second hand.”

“Still!”

He heard a rustling sound. Once he was done with putting the movie in the DVD player, he whipped his head around to check what you were doing.

His breathing almost stopped when he saw you laying on his bed and checking your phone. You were moving your legs up on the air as you scrolled down some social media platform. Your skirt wasn’t long enough to cover the supple flesh of your thighs, they were squished together and because you were laying on your chest, the skirt’s fabric was relaxed on your ass, leaving not much to the imagination.

Junpei gulped audibly and averted his gaze. “The movie.” That was all he managed to say.

You hummed and sat up on his bed as he took a place next to you. He couldn’t understand why you were so careless, didn’t you think of him as a man?

No, you were purely naive. Not at all aware of the real dangers of the world. Not at all aware of what kind of thoughts about you went through his mind every single day.

The movie opened with the female lead who from her first appearance stated that she was the manic pixie dream girl getting some flowers from a secret admirer despite having a boyfriend.

It was simply trash. That was the only way he could describe the storyline or the mood of the movie. On his own, under any condition, Junpei wouldn’t pick this garbage up and sit through it but since you wanted to watch it… he had to endure it.

You, on the other hand, seemed to enjoy the movie. Hands on your lap, gasping every now and then when the male lead encouraged the female lead to dump her boyfriend with his shitty compliments.

He found it kind of amusing to watch you react to the movie rather than watch it himself. Soon enough his gaze dropped to your lap. Under the skirt were your bare legs and you were sitting on his bed. Your ass was placed on his bed. The thought of your panties touching the sheets of his bed made his thoughts go south. If you got wet right now, you could soak his sheets.

Slowly, you shifted on his bed, getting in a more comfortable position to watch the movie. Unbeknownst to you, he had a better view of your cleavage now, it was only natural that he couldn’t look away. As vulnerable you were, he was still a man and like any other man, Junpei couldn’t stop himself from fantasizing.

What color panties were you wearing? If he lifted your skirt up to check, would you be surprised? You wouldn’t push him away, that was for sure. You came here all on your own after all, laying on his bed like that and looking like this… There was no doubt you were basically inviting him to fuck you.

The credits rolled sooner than he would have wanted.

You stretched your arms over your head and let out a soft groan. “Thank you, Jun.”

“For what?” He got up from his bed to take the DVD out from the player.

“For watching this with me. I’m so lucky to have a friend like you!” A friend, huh? He thought of you more than a friend but you were probably playing hard to get. The two of you were the same, you just had to be embarrassed to admit your feelings for him. Yeah, that had to be it.

“I liked the movie.” Liar. He didn’t watch it.

Silence.

“I should get going,” you sighed, retrieving your bag and jacket from the floor.

By the time you stood up, Junpei was holding the DVD case towards you. “I hope you had fun.”

“I did.” You smiled, taking it from him. “Thank you again.”

Junpei was languidly nodding, lost in his own thoughts.

As soon as you left his room and apartment, Junpei hurried back to his room. Getting on his knees, he pressed his face into the exact spot you sat on for two full hours. He took a deep inhale, filling his lungs to their limit.

So this was your scent.

Unbuckling his belt, he kept inhaling the smell of your pussy absorbed on his sheets. He was already impossibly hard, if it weren’t for the way he was slouching when you were beside him, you would definitely notice.

His hand wrapped around his cock and he stroked it from the base to the tip, using your smell and his own fantasies about you as his material for today.

Oh, how he wished he could smell you directly.

~~~

The next day, he couldn’t look you in the eye during the club meeting to talk about the movie everyone watched yesterday.

While you were debating with the two other members about how although the cinematography and the dialogue were great you didn’t enjoy the excessive amount of cursing.

“You just don’t understand cinema,” one of them grumbled.

“Couldn’t agree more, I mean… Do you even watch anything other than your weird romance movies?” The other one grinned.

“Let’s not take it too far,” Junpei mumbled, his words went unheard.

“I didn’t say anything bad about the movie,” you argued. “It was well written but the dialogue was too vulgar for my taste.”

“And since when do you have taste?”

Laughter.

“Yeah, she’s such a scatterbrained normie.”

“Guys.” Junpei stood up on his seat to stop the hassle.

“At least I’m not a pathetic loser.” It slipped. As if you had been wanting to say it out loud for so long. “You know that this is why nobody likes any of you, right?”

It became silent.

Junpei sat back on his chair and the other two who had been grinning from ear to ear as they were teasing you frowned.

You clapped a hand over your mouth, realizing what you had said but the deed was done.

“Sorry.” Mumbling, you gathered your stuff and left the clubroom.

~~~

Getting bullied wasn’t the worst part. It was the way other people treated him because he was getting bullied.

People looked at him with pity, sometimes talked to him because they wanted to include him. They were all doing these things to feel better about themselves. It was never about him.

He could let the cigarette burns, all the times he got beaten and the countless lies others spread about him slip but not the fake kindness.

He hated the fakes.

~~~

It was two days after the incident when you finally decided to approach Junpei before he exited the school garden.

“Hey, Jun.”

A shiver rose up his spine and he stopped walking momentarily. “(name), good to see you.” He turned around to face you but you were looking down onto the pavement. You didn’t want to look him in the face.

“Yeah...” You took a deep breath to calm your senses before speaking. “I just wanted to apologize for the other day. I didn’t mean any of the things I said.”

He said nothing.

“I’m really sorry about it, I was being bitter because of the way they talked to me but I shouldn’t have reacted that way.”

He proceeded to stay quiet, though you had a lot to say to him, it was impossible to find the courage or the words to speak when he was being like this. However, you came prepared for anything.

Reaching inside your bag, you pulled out a DVD case with a movie title Junpei had been looking forward to watching. You had heard him talk about it nonstop for months until it got released recently. He couldn’t get his hands on the DVD itself because of how the movie was always rented out but now, you were holding it.

“Wanna watch it together? My treat.”

How could he possibly say no?

“Okay.”

Your nerves eased when he put on a smile.

Thankfully, the walk to his place was short. In his room, you took off your jacket and grabbed the DVD case to put it on yourself. “I tipped the cashier a couple of extra bucks to get my hands on this,” you giggled and turned on his television with the remote control, the player lit up instantly.

“You didn’t have to.”

“Well, it’s just my way of apologizing, don’t sweat it!” Pressing the button for the disc slot, you opened the case to grab the CD. “Besides, I wanted to watch this for a long time too.”

He could tell you were lying but he wasn’t sure if you were trying to be nice to him out of pity or not. Gradually, he realized he couldn’t put you in a box. You two were alike. Exactly like him, you didn’t know where you fit in but he started to get an idea about where might fit in just fine.

As you were standing with the remote control in your hands and waiting for the movie title to show up on the screen, a set of hands were placed on your hips, making you flinch.

“Jun?”

Junpei couldn’t help but press himself against you, his hands on your hips moved to your stomach, and grabbed the remote control out of your grasp. He threw the device to the side.

“Jun?” you tried calling him again, not realizing he needed a hug this badly. “Are-are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he replied, you felt him bury his face into your hair and heard him take a sniff. His hands moved in different ways. One slid up to cup your breast over your shirt and the other slid down your stomach.

“Um, if you wanna hug me, I can face you. This position is… weird....” You merely comprehended that he wasn’t hugging you when his hand soothed the fabric of your skirt and went under it to grab you by your pussy.

Your thighs pressed together at the same time a surprised gasp left your lips. His hand was pushing you towards him as he was pressing against you, urging you to feel everything.

“Wait,” you tried to say, but when his hips snapped forward it broke into another gasp. A finger pressed on your slit over the fabric of your panties, he dragged it up while his hand harshly groped your breast.

“W-what are you doing?”

“What do you think?” Junpei nosed some hair out of his way and placed his lips on your nape, grazing his lips on the sensitive skin before moving to kiss your neck. “I thought you were here to spend time with me.” His teeth nibbled on the thin flesh and your legs turned to jelly.

“B-but the movie.”

Hooking a finger under the elastic on the edge of your panties, he pulled them to the side and let his middle finger slip inside.

“We can watch it later.”

“Jun, wait.” You squirmed and tried to move away from his fingers but you were trapped. If you moved backward you were going to press harder against his erection and moving forward meant his finger going deeper inside you. The latter was the worst option, so you moved your hips away from his hand.

What you hadn’t calculated was the way you were rocking back on forth with Junpei as he was grinding his clothed cock against the soft flesh of your ass. When you pressed yourself against him harder, it didn’t leave any more space for you to move away from his fingers.

Thanks to your dumb decision, Junpei had you right where he wanted.

“You’re so cute, always trying to act smarter than you actually are,” he whispered, lips brushing against your neck. “When you left that day after we watched your stupid movie, I jerked off to you.”

His hand on your breast moved between your bodies and placed on the front of his pants. He tugged them down while drawing small circles on your neck with his tongue and two of his fingers thrust inside your slick heat.

“I shoved my nose into the exact spot you sat to inhale your scent.”

The revelation of what he did after you left made you tremble. His hot and wet tongue pressed flat against the side of your neck and his fingers moving in a scissoring motion distracted you from his free hand guiding his cock between your legs.

“From the moment we met, I knew we were made for each other, (name).”

Nevertheless the awkward positioning, he slipped his fingers out of you and moved to grab your leg from the back of your knee. He lifted your leg until his cock had enough space to move and his hips surged forward.

A panicked sound left your lips when his cock moved between your folds rather than going inside like he had planned.

Before you could struggle, he pulled his hips back and thrust forward, angling his hips in the right direction. This time, it was a success.

Both of you moaned in unison.

Junpei buried his face into your neck and groaned loudly to the sensation of your warm cunt. Your gummy walls were sucking him right in. He couldn’t help slamming his hips into your pussy with a little too much force. You shook in his arms, nearly losing your balance “J-Jun,” you breathed, tone faint. “T-the movie.”

“Is that what you really want right now?” he whispered into your ear, thrusting in your cunt agitatedly.

You wanted to say something and shove him away so the two of you could focus on the movie that was playing on the screen instead but his cock stroked a sweet spot inside made you melt in his hold. You moaned instead, giving him the answer he wanted to hear.

He picked up a pace to fuck into you in a smooth motion and roughly pound into your pussy to steal cute little moans out of you. He was too lost in pleasure to be able to think. All he wanted was to feel your pussy clench around his cock.

His kisses on your neck turned into biting and you felt him lift your leg higher, launching both of you forward when you lost your balance. You managed to hold onto the TV stand while Junpei didn’t let the small accident interrupt him.

Letting go of your leg, he placed his hand on your back and pushed until you arched your back.

Now, he could thrust deeper inside you. Almost frantically, he started hammering his cock into your pussy. The impact caused you to place both hands on the furniture in front of you and hold onto it for dear life. Your clenching walls around him felt heavenly, he couldn’t stop moving his hips.

A shaky moan escaped your lips when the tip of his cock kissed your cervix. Your hands gripped the furniture and your toes curled at the sensation. At some point, your attention suddenly averted to Junpei’s wandering hands pulling your back flush against his chest as every thrust of his hips left you shaking and begging for more.

“J-Jun,” you whined.

He knew exactly what it meant. If he couldn’t tell from the neediness in your voice, he could tell it from the way your gummy walls started pulsating around his cock. Instead of picking up his pace and fucking you like an animal in heat like you thought he would do, Junpei tried to thrust deeper, stroking your sensitive spot with his cock until your vision turned white and you started rocking yourself back on Junpei’s cock. Only then his thrusts became harder, almost as if he wanted to claim you as his only.

“Can I do it inside?” Junpei didn’t need an answer but you gave him one anyway.

“Y-yeah.”

His pace suddenly slackened, he was close to his own orgasm. He pushed his cock in your pussy down to the base and you felt the slight twitch of his balls on your ass as thick spurts of seed filled your womb.

He lowly grunted, continuing to move his hips and fucking his seed into you with disgustingly wet sounds. Your legs started to shake under you, his hands on your hips were the only things keeping you standing up but once he let go of you, the support disappeared. You dropped on the floor, his cum oozed out of you and stained the carpet.

None of you said anything. Not when you were catching your breaths or when you were fixing your clothes.

It took you a full minute before you asked something so utterly idiotic. “Should I go home?”

At that exact moment, he understood why people enjoyed bullying others who were weaker than them.

“I thought you came here to watch the movie with me.” He dared to say.

You stared at him blankly, your gaze slowly turned to the movie that had been playing the whole time and a faint smile tugged at your lips as you reached for the remote control on the other side of the carpet to restart the movie.

~~~

In the next club meeting, Junpei brought the movie you had wanted to watch last week.

Although the other two groaned in unison, they sat through the entire movie once Junpei told them they owed you this.

As for you, watching the movie you had already seen a week ago was boring but the anticipation to watch another new release you had rented with Junpei after school was enough to keep you on the edge.

#wrote this for a reader after they said junpei was their fave and gifted it to them lol #idk if they follow me on tumblr but if they do... i love you <3 #reader is a leetle dumb #junpei x reader #junpei yoshino x reader

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crossdressingdeath · 3 years

Note

You were right about how CQL makes it hard to completely like it, but hard to completely hate it too.

Like yes, Xiao Zhan makes WWX a little too emotional at times but he also arguably gives us that most obvious version of WWX being done with JC’s whole personality.

Yes it messes with a lot of things about LWJ, but it also gave us “you are not qualified to talk to me”

Yes there could have been better casting for certain characters, but look how much effort and clear adoration XY’s actor had for his role.

Major low budget, but holy shit did Xiao Zhan do a very convincing trauma response to his worst fear despite working with a low effort prop.

There’s that horrid JC and WQ one sided romance shit. But also makes JC look even worse in this version for turning against someone he was supposed to have strong feelings for because she returned a comb when it was clear he wouldn’t help her family.

CQL really falls into that weird “definitely not the greatest but not as bad as it could have been” middle ground at times

I think the best description of CQL is "vaguely competent with some exceptions in both directions". It might be good for an idol drama (I don't know, it's the only idol drama I've ever watched), but it certainly doesn't match up to proper dramas. I'd say the trick to enjoying it is that you can't watch anything with a proper budget and skilled actors immediately before or after and also try not to think of better shows you've watched while watching CQL or vice versa. ...That last part brought to you by "Now every time I watch Hannibal I get annoyed at people calling WYB the king of microexpressions when Mads Mikkelsen is right there". (And now I'm annoyed about that again, oh dear.)

Anyway, I think the important thing to keep in mind is that CQL wasn't supposed to be high art. It's a shitty idol drama made to make a lot of cash off of a popular novel and some pretty faces, and it was very successful in that role. With that in mind, yeah, it's pretty good in places! But it's never going to be great, and that's fine, because it isn't supposed to be. Some of the actors are genuinely good, some of the sets are genuinely pretty, some of the dialogue choices are genuinely well-written. Most of the actors are vaguely competent at best, most of the sets are cheap, most of the dialogue that isn't straight from the book is poorly done... but there are some good parts (and some parts that are so bad they're hilarious; I will never be over JC's overacting, he's chewing the scenery so hard I'm amazed he never literally takes a bite out of the set), and with something like CQL that's what you have to focus on. Just shut off your inner critic and enjoy 50 episodes of vaguely competent nonsense brought out of the pit of awfulness by being based on a good book! ...Which would be a lot easier if it weren't for all the people who scream about how it's the best thing ever like they've never watched an actually good drama or TV show or movie ever in their lives.

#cql negativity #asks #anon

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incarnateirony · 4 years

Note

after jared has now confirmed on that podcast that the last scene of the show will just be sam + dean, i hope everyone can stop speculating about cas being there. he is not. (that of course doesnt mean hes not in the ep at all)

For those who WANT to actually listen, you can see it here (https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/jared-padalecki-returns/id1256754097)

While I intend to talk on this statement left by the Nonnie there's a few other things to talk about. For those specifically interested in THIS QUOTE, it’s part “Ten” in my notes.

Before I go on, lemme say, I keep saying Misha *isn’t* in the final *shot.* I can also say *ten thousand times* that “the final shot” is NOT THE SAME THING AS THE “FINAL SCENE.” I don’t know how many times I have to beat this into people’s heads. The “Final scene” may not even BE the final shot because for all you know, the last final scene is something like around scene 50 and the last 10 shots are some Swan Song montage with a dialogue. Scenes are also composed of *multiple shots* on the regular, and *very rarely* shot in order. So actually, it depends on what you even consider a ~scene~ but a shot and a scene are not the same thing. No matter how many times people choose to misunderstand this, this will continue to be true.

As it is, the board already going up to 47 was high. Not unheard of, but high. I absolutely do not think anybody should be surprised if that’s actually closer to the last 5 minutes of the episode and the next 10+ shots are literal full blown montage. Because once again, and I can not emphasize this enough, they are not teleporting to a bridge at the end of the fucking show. I repeat, they are not, in the last 20-40 seconds, teleporting to a bridge at the end of the fucking show. And they weren’t on that location any other day.

But I also know this fandom takes anything that’s in shorthand and blows it up into the worst case extremization, so I’m actually going to address this and even tag @curioussubjects and @winchestersingerautorepair and point out that Jared talks about “the last time Sam and Dean see each other” -- so enjoy that. See you on the other side, brother.

Okay so first, as a general note related to everything, that particular podcast is a mess. There is literally 17 minutes of nothing related to Jared at the start. It's a mix of sadness about how he knew a relative was dying, sadness, people's sad facebook messages which I get, losing someone is sad--but then a bunch of nonsense about ads and swag and sponsors. Like to anyone preparing to actually listen, you can skip to about 17 minutes in.

One: Confirmed they started quarantining (J2 at least) on Aug 2. 14 days gave them a few days before filming. But they refused to break quarantine even to walk the dogs to not reset the quarantine period. (This is one of the first things they talk about after the barrage of ads and other things)

Two: Jared has some great insight on how and why to let a dog go. He jumped it a little sooner than I would I think, but he talks about knowing when they're in pain or suffering. He gave assistance to her bad hips and other things through late life but saw when the spark left her and she wanted to go. Someone will probably try to problematize this but as someone that witnessed someone refusing to put down their dog while she spent half of her day having seizures and shitting herself, huffing, being terrified and unable to move, that was impressive. (This starts somewhere around 22 and goes to about 31:30, it's about a ten minute segment.)

Three: after this they actually go into the show, it also lets us know that the podcast is *recorded early on in filming*. It's talking about the first few days he left for filming. This wasn't just-now recorded. This is a few weeks old, like most Inside of You podcasts are.

Four: Jared ignores social media a lot, he confirms.

Five: He goes on having to talk about saying goodbye to a 15 year friend, never having gone more than 5 months without playing Sam, the process of being in the moment. It boils down to staying distanced from social media and your phone to be in the internet, which can actually add to feeling alone. (This may not be true for everyone, but I can definitely see why it feels so for Jared--he admits it's somewhat escapism.) Rosenbaum debates what counts as connection, but Rosenbaum also doesn't deal with a bajillion shitty comments from all his fandom lanes. He uses the podcast as an example, which is entirely different than Jared talking about ignoring twitter or instagram.

(Commercial break at 39 for a counseling/therapy service, runs to about 41 then one for a toothbrush rofl goes to about 43:15, so basically a 4 minute commercial break)

Six: Jared talks about his clinical anxiety impact on the final shooting and everything and why it was so important to have his dog with him during quarantine. He started terrified about it but got 4-5 days in and realized it was great. The wife and kids even considered going with him but he said it was okay and declined. After 45 he goes on complimenting his wife and the work she does at home.

Seven: He goes back to March 12 being the last day of filming back before covid and everyone had to run home on Friday the 13th of March LOL. So Supernatural got cursed on Friday the 13th. Rolling back to everything Gen has to do with the kids and the routine, goes back to talking about her. Talks about being the New Toy from dad being home so much. But then back to August first day of shot as an outdoor shoot. How early it was. So 21pt1 was an outdoor shoot. They continue to go on and on about how hard having kids is, if rewarding, until after 50 minutes. This converts into a conversation with his psychiatrist about his kids, his mom's birthday during social distancing, and all kinds of other commentary. Difference of psychologist vs psychiatrist. Loves sugar cuz he couldn't have it as a kid, etc.

Eight: This bit carries them all the way out past the hour mark. Just before the hour is where the "pain" section from the promo comes from. It turns into mortality and fear of death. Turns into stuff like natural childbirth. So from an hour to 1:03:00 it goes on, then it turns into another ad break that goes to about 1:07:15

Nine: How emotional the ending is, reading the script every day, remembering places start after the 1:07:15 commercial end. First week they shot up the old highway for example. Jared saying goodbye to locations he knows. Very bittersweet. There are no pickup shots because of covid.

Ten: The final scheduled moment, what you're talking about, and Jared tried very very VERY difficultly. (1:08:30 or so) -- he struggles and says "The last time Sam and Dean see each other is the last time Jared and Jensen see each other, if that makes any sense." He refused to say what the last scene was. It will be the last filming camera moments together. Which unto itself uh, hi, yes, welcome to every speculation I ever had, see you on the other side brother. Because it's the last time they see each other.

Eleven: After a bit about being emotional, they talk about Jared’s arrest, the trolling about orange jumpsuits from the crew, and asking what happened. Jared doesn’t even entirely know what happened, says it’s not an excuse, but the cliff’s notes are he was filming in Van, then he flew to Austin, he had a double date with Gen and two friends, he went to his friend’s bar (we alllll know Stereotype), they split some wine, a cocktail, hadn’t eaten, hadn’t slept, bachelorette parties and show fans bought him drinks, he doesn’t know what even happened, he thinks he was blacked out, got pulled down by his hair and thought he was in a fight. He hasn’t had a drink since, he was like absolutely fucking nope. He literally wonders if he was drugged in the drinks he took from other people, but either way, he’s completely stopped drinking. It goes into them settling and actually the people thinking he was drugged, which is why the legal followthrough was light. This goes out to almost 1:20:00.

Twelve: Around then he goes on about Walker’s pickup period, how and when shooting normally works, and it’s all kinda in the air because of Walker, shortseasons because of covid etc.

Final question blast:

Supernatural movie?: Jared hopes so

Channel chuck norris?: Make Walker his own, has nothing to do with Chuck’s walker even if he grew up watching it in texas, new character, new story, new era.

Paranormal experiences of his own?: He has seen some things, experienced some things he can’t explain, but as far as specifically, “definitively no but possibly yes.”

Talked with Chuck Norris at all?: Not talked to him directly, their “people” have talked, had to give his blessing though because Chuck Norris co-owned the rights. Part of the EP group and ownership.

If you had a chance, what superhero would you play: He’s heard Nighthawk from fans, he kinda sits there quietly thinking and has a hard time. Screentested for the Superman McG movie in 2004 but didn’t get it.

The car wasn’t in either of their contracts. Jared actually goes on that despite images Jared’s actually the car guy more than Jensen. It wasn’t in either of their contracts but they kinda just knew it was gonna happen. He goes on about his favorite cars, his car books and parts books since he was a kid, etc.

-----------

Following through on this, I HAVE to keep saying. 47/A47 is, I would bet 5 dollars on it right here and anyone that wants to bet against it can leave a comment in the notes so I know who owes who money, Sam and Dean having their final talk already post major resolutions with a few more ends to tie up, saying their pre-goodbyes, and shot 60 is Sam and Dean’s final shot of going separate ways, with Sam on one side and Dean on the other.

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vei-saretti · 4 years

Text

Part one of my "Let's roast Attack of the Clones".

I still don't understand how we got The Clone Wars, arguably one of the best Star Wars television media, out of this steaming pile of bad dialogue and awkward romance. I just... How.

This movie starts out with a bang, doesn't it? :D (Sorry, Cordé)

Speaking of Clone Wars, I love how now because of that show, I actually have genuine feelings for the once nameless Jedi that show up in the background, like Plo Koon and Luminara.

Haydennnn! I'm a firm believer that, like little Jake Lloyd, Hayden Christensen also did nothing wrong, he was just a bit less experienced than the other actors and was given shitty dialogue on top of that. The kid did his best. And I love him for it. But also why does he sometimes sound like a Brit trying to pass off a shitty American accent lol. Dude's American already. I read somewhere that the reason he speaks the way he does might be because he was trying to replicate the speech patterns Vader has in the OT, and just the general way he talks, which, if true, is I guess commendable, but he sounds like an idiot half the time.

Hayden and Ewan had great chemistry considering the awful script. I hate when people say they didn't. It's the dialogue that's awkward and clunky, not the actors' chemistry.

UGH ANAKIN STOP TRYING TO SOUND SMOOTH YOU SOUND LIKE AN IDIOT. And he acts like an emo from 2005 in this movie and it's so fuckin' cringyyyy.

I can't wait for them to bring Temuera back. I miss his voice. He's such a badass as Jango.

Anakin, sounding like a teenage girl: sHe'S nOt LiKe ThE oThEr GiRlZ, mAsTeR.

These worm things are probably why centipedes make me wanna die when they get in my house.

"The Chancellor isn't corrupt." LMAO ANAKIN YOU DUMB HIMBO.

Obi-Wan: Be mindful of your thoughts, Anakin. Don't rush into things, Anakin.

Also Obi-Wan: Dives headfirst out a window after a fucking droid.

What even is the whole droid/speeder chase though? It's like George just decided that anything goes and the audience will just take his shit (spoiler alert: We did).

How much do you wanna bet Jango was following this whole chase just like "Smfh, do I have to do everything myself?"

Obi-Wan saying he hates it when Anakin jumps off high things when Obi-Wan didn't just do that himself 5 minutes ago would be me as a parent.

Idk why, but "She went into the club, Master!" is a way more funny line to me than it should be.

Yeah, Death Sticks dude is hilarious, but can we talk about the pink Twi'lek that looks like she fell in love when Anakin waves at her table lmao. Like honestly same, girl, same.

Ooh Anthony Daniels cameo.

And here we see Padmé turning over her power to the most powerful Sith in the-- Oh, whoops, I mean Jar Jar Binks. Silly me.

How does Padmé see Anakin bitch out like a child and still wanna fuck him? I don't get it. Like he's cute and all but his personality is uglyyyy. To be fair though, Obi-Wan seems like he can be a dick sometimes. Very helicopter parent seeming.

EW STOP WITH THAT CREEPY EXPRESSION YOU LOOK LIKE A SERIAL KILLER. And didn't Anakin learn anything from Obi-Wan's constant flirting with anything with legs? Why is he so bad at pick up lines?

Padmé talking down Anakin as a Jedi in front of the Naboo dignitaries is incredibly awkward and just downright rude, honestly. I hate how that scene feels and I really wish they had taken it out or just not had it in the first place. What purpose did it serve? We're trying to root for their romance, not pit them against each other, damn...

I love the look of the Kaminoans. Creepy as hell but fun to look at. Their history is very interesting as well.

THE LAKE DRESS MY GOD THE LAKE DRESS. I love it so much, but also is she trying to tempt poor Anakin? It practically goes down to her ass in the back...

"We keep him here", like Jango is a pet dog or something lol.

I just love how the Jedi Order essentially ordered Anakin to go on a romantic getaway with a very attractive young female senator like that wasn't the worst fucking decision in the history of ever. "Oh yes, this horny 20 year old Padawan with an authority problem would never do anything behind our backs."

Oh look, it's my Mandalorian husband (sorry, actual husband :* love you). But really though, I'm so sad that this and the video game Bounty Hunter are the most Temuera ever got to play Jango, other than the occasional one line part. Jango is who made me fall in love with Mandalorian culture and we were robbed, man. Can't believe it took 18 years to bring Tem back to Star Wars. Disgraceful. The guy is amazing. And the way he speaks Mando'a? Ugh, perfection.

Why is Padmé insisting on wearing the sexiest outfits she owns? Like what is this slinky black corset number? It's like she's trying to torment him.

Also Hayden delivers these awful fucking lines better than most would in his situation... Even Natalie is struggling. But Hayden's speech at the beginning of the fireside scene is just sooooo cringy, no one could save that. Not even Leonardo DiCaprio could make that sound romantic.

This Obi-Wan vs. Jango fight is AMAZING. I'm pretty sure this is the first time we ever saw a Mandalorian really fight. Now we have a whole TV show. Oh, how the times change.

The seismic charges are hands down the most satisfying sounding weapon in all of Star Wars. I have it as my text ringtone. Scares the shit out of me whenever I get a text. 10/10.

#star wars episode ii: attack of the clones #Star wars #anakin skywalker #obi wan kenobi #Padmé amidala #sheev palpatine #Jango fett #count dooku #Mace Windu #Yoda

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thefloatingstone · 5 years

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MST3K Recommendations for people who’ve never watched it

So if you’re somebody on the internet under the age of 22 there’s a chance you may have HEARD people talk about Mystery Science Theater 3000 or “MST3K” for short, and may even know exactly what it is, but you’ve not watched it and have no idea where to start. Or if you’ve never heard of it, this is me telling you you should probably watch it.

In the early to mid 2000s, when the only people on the internet where nerds and teenagers who were nerds (like literally. I have no idea how to explain to the Today’s Kids(tm) that the internet use to ONLY consist of nerdy people and fandoms. None of this “Influencer” shit.) Anyway, back when the internet was just nerds, before video was easily available, MST3K was still being talked about via audio clips, usually made by holding microphones right up to the TV, and when youtube launched in 2006, some of the very first videos were MST3K episodes cut up into 10 parts (because originally you couldn’t upload videos to youtube that were longer than 10 minutes and they had to be 240dp). And before google bought youtube, you could find full, complete episodes of MST3K on Google video.

It’s kind of a staple if you’re a nerdy internet person, and you’ll probably see it get referenced by fandom people and youtubers in their late 20s a LOT. Or use some of the things MST3K introduced in their own videos (like the Stinger after the credits for instance)

So MST3K is kind of essential viewing imo. And luckily, because of the nature of the show, unlike... basically EVERYTHING tv related, sharing links of MST3K is actually actively and honestly encouraged by the show creators.

The show ran from 1989 to 1999, changing from airing on one channel to another as it went (I’m not American so I never caught it on TV). And at the end of literally every single episode throughout its entire 10 year run, you would see this after the credits;

The show actively encouraged its audience to tape the episodes to video and share those videos with friends and family. This is because the show was never about “building a franchise” or becoming monetarily valuable for its creators, but it was about people actually watching the show. Even to this day, with copyright claims and “Subscribe to our streaming service to watch this show” running rampant, MST3K continues to be a show whose prime focus is to get people to watch it. (unless you want to buy it on DVD in which case the prime focus is for you to be rich to try and afford them because they’re like $70 for 4 episodes).

As such, some episodes are available for free on the MST3K official youtube channel completely for free. Some episodes you can buy from the Rifftrax website (which is where the show creators now work, doing basically the same thing as MST3K minus the puppets and host segments unfortunately) but I would be honestly shocked if ANY episode is unavailable online because sharing the episodes is.... just kind of the point of the show? I literally managed to find each and every one in 2008 (although that dark drive doesn’t want to work with my newer laptop so I might have to download all the episodes AGAIN. Thanks Technology...)

But if you’re somebody who has NO IDEA which episodes are “the good ones” or you just want to jump in and watch but you’re scared you’ll get a complete dud as your first experience and then not know what all the fuss is about, or you just want to know some good episodes to watch, I decided to throw together a list, along with links.

And with that VERY lengthy intro out of the way, here we go!

In no order

The Touch of Satan Year: 1971 S09E08 Host: Mike Mads: Pearl, Brain guy and Bobo

Despite the movie title there is no Satan in the film. A baffling movie where a good looking “All American Boy” named Jodie drives through a small town while road tripping from Texas to San Fransisco. There he meets a really pretty girl named Melissa who lives with who she claims is her mother and father on a walnut farm, as well as her insane grandmother. For seemingly nonsensical reasons (other than he’s attracted to Melissa) Jodie decides to spend the night at the farm. Eventually he gets pulled into the family curse and learn just who Melissa really is (It’s not Satan).

The movie is incredibly stupid and WOULD be pretty bland if not for the absolutely ridiculous dialogue, bizarre little details you can’t help but focus on (why a Walnut farm? Why is the father always so sweaty??) and just how.... 70s everything is.

Mike and the bots are super on point with their jokes, and it has a few of my favourite jokes and host segments in it.

https://youtu.be/ZebKhabJItE

Gamera Year: 1965 S03E02 Host: Joel Mads: Dr Forrester and TV’s Frank

Look. If you’re gonna watch MST3K you’re gonna have to watch a Gamera movie eventually. And since I could literally put ANY of the Gamera films here, I’m gonna start with the first one. Especially since the following Gamera movies the host and bots have running jokes and references to the first films.

Gamera is a Japanese Kaiju movie franchise originally created to compete with Godzilla. And completely misses the point of Godzilla. Whereas Godzilla was originally intended to be a metaphor of Atomic weaponry and Japan’s national wound following the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki... Gamera is about a giant flying turtle monster who is friend to all children.

....and I friggen LOVE Gamera. It’s because of MST3K’s episodes that I ended up buying a DVD boxset of every single Gamera movie. It’s good stuff. Start with this episode and watch the others as you go.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rly_1NPCXAM

Pod People Year: 1983 S03E03 Host: Joel Mads: Dr Forrester and TV’s Frank

This is MANY people’s favourite episode in the whole show, and was my favourite as well until I couldn’t pick a favourite any more. However this is the only episode of the show where I had to pause it the first time I watched it at one part because I was laughing so hard.

Originally intended to be an alien slasher movie, the producers asked the director Juan Piquer Simon to include a subplot where a cute child makes friends with one of the aliens so that they could market the movie as an E.T. rip off (E.T. had come out the year before) If you think this would make the tone of the movie confusing where half the aliens are killing off teenagers and half the aliens are being friends with a small, badly dubbed child... you are absolutely right. But it’s the Host segments and jokes within the film that make this one of the top 5 best episodes in the whole show, if not top 3.

It is the episode that people will most commonly reference even 30 years later.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sCl2ZNkfnS8

Jack Frost Year: 1964 S08E13 Host: Mike Mads: Pearl, Brain Guy and Bobo

One of the many badly Russian films that deserved much better than the shitty dub they got. I was THIS CLOSE to putting “The Day the Earth Froze” here instead, but I felt Jack Frost is the easier watch of the two (however I do recommend checking out The Day the Earth Froze as well).

Honestly, this film isn’t that bad at all. It’s shitty dub is a shame but even with the silly voices and calling Baba Yaga “The Hunchbacked Fairy” for reasons I will never understand, the film is actually pretty charming, and if I had it on video as a kid I probably would have really liked it. It’s a classic fairy tale about a pretty and kind young girl who is treated badly by her stepmother and stepsister, but she finds true love in a handsome prince who had been turned into a bear until he could learn humility. Also Jack Frost is there (I have no idea who he’s suppose to be in the original language of the film and I doubt its Jack Frost). The movie is innocent and weird and overacted and the main character of Nastenka is so pretty and big eyed and innocent it’s an easy target for jokes on just how silly and whimsical everything is. The jokes are never outright mean spirited or nasty, just in line with the whole silly movie, and honestly this is a great episode to introduce your kids to the show as it’s not scary and doesn’t have any gore (like some of the other films showcased)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVpOaeBtr7w

The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies Year: 1964 S08E12 Host: Mike Mads: Pearl, Brain Guy, Bobo

Yes. That is the real title of the movie. And it is also the most exciting thing about it. This movie is..... incomprehensible, to say the least. I am only BARELY aware of what the fuck it’s even about. There’s a fortune teller on the amusement park wharf? And I remember a terrifying robot monkey asking people to buy tickets, and the main character (I use the term loosely) becomes evil? I’m sorry but this movie is so cut to ribbons in editing and has so little dialogue it’s barely even a movie. It’s held together by the thinnest threads of recurring images. However, unlike some of the other episodes in MST3K with the same problem of barely being movies, I find the jokes by the hosts land much better and they’re not in as agonizing pain as “The Beast of Yucca Flats” which I still consider the worst movie I have ever seen in my life.

I have no way to describe this movie. It’s not even crazy enough to garner enthusiastic “this movie is batshit insane” praise. Watch this one for the jokes by the hosts. And for the title so you can tell people “I watched a movie called The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jLGqN3XG-Q

Eegah Year: 1962 S05E06 Host: Joel Mads: Dr. Forrester and TV’s Frank

Ugh. This movie. Ok. “Starring” Arch Hall Jr. who was a sort of actor and one of those 60s “teen heart throb” singers before boy bands became a thing after the Beatles. He never made it super big, but it was considered a big selling point to films he was in (he went on to being an airline pilot and good for him). This movie is about him and his girlfriend his girlfriend’s father finding a giant caveman in the desert outside their town (in a cave which is NOT made of burlap sacks). The giant caveman falls in love with the girlfriend and follows them to the suburbs.

It’s not the most remarkable movie MST3K ever did. It’s not the best movie they ever did nor is it the worst movie they ever did, but for some reason this film has a tendency to stick in people who watch MST3K’s minds. Maybe the jokes are just THAT quotable, but for whatever reason, it’s one of the staple episodes to watch. And hey, at least the movie is WATCHABLE. MST3K went on to reference things in this film for the rest of the show’s history.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvFBKsW3Aew

Santa Claus Year: 1959 S5E21 Host: Mike Mads: Dr. Forrester and TV’s Frank

A Mexican movie about Santa Claus and his friend Merlin who live on the moon and watch the children of Earth through a telescope to make sure they’re all being good. We focus on the devil Pitch who is sent by Satan to make children misbehave, most noteably a 4 year old girl named Lupita who is from a poor family and wishes she had a pretty doll to play with, and a rich little boy who wishes his parents would spend Christmas with him.

This movie is.... weird. In case the whole “Santa and Merlin are friends and live on the moon” thing didn’t already tip you off. The movie’s pretty harmless overall but it’s just WEIRD. Santa’s castle on the moon is full of children from all over the world wearing the most stereotypical clothes of all time (Japanese children in full kimono, American children all dressed as cowboys, African children dressed in tribal clothes etc etc) and they.... I think they make the toys? I’m not sure. Santa’s reindeer are terrifying wind up toys who laugh maniacally when they’re turned on. There’s a giant mouth on the wall that’s part of Santa’s computer? And an ear that can hear what all the children are saying on earth or something?

It’s just... it’s bizarre. And an excellent episode to watch for Christmas.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nTWs3zvz1z4

War of the Colossal Beast Year: 1958 S03E19 Host: Joel Mads: Dr. Forrester and TV’s Frank

I am recommending this one not actually for the movie itself, but for the short which plays first, which is “Mr. B Natural” and which is easily the best and most referenced MST3K short in the whole show.

It follows a little boy who wishes he was cool. He’s visited by Mr. B Natural, the spirit of music. Mr. B Natural is played by Betty Luster and is a bizarre character in himself, being completely androgynous and using male pronouns while being played very obviously by a woman with a very obviously female voice. Mr. B is presented as a sort of pixie character and possibly meant to be like the stage version of Peter Pan which is also traditionally played by adult women. The episode of MST3K aired in 1991 LONG before the concept of Non-binary was even a thing. As such MST3K plays along with the weirdness that is Mr. B, using only male pronouns for him and addressing him as a man, while also commenting on how attractive he is.

Mr. B teaches our little boy main character that if he wants to be cool he needs to buy a trumpet and join the school’s band, and goes on to be one of the most beloved MST3K “characters” who they often keep making references to and who shows up in the host segments now and then as a cameo.

Oh. And then there’s a movie following the short that’s a sequel to another movie. It’s about a man who keeps growing larger and larger in size but the bigger he gets the more he loses his intelligence. It’s directed by the notorious “Bert I. Gordon” whose movies are always more vehicles for cheap special effects than story, plot or characters.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRL8umsMe28

Squirm Year: 1976 S10E12 Host: Mike Mads: Pearl, Brian Guy and Bobo

I am a little biased towards Squirm because I’m pretty sure it was the very first MST3K episode I ever saw (not counting the short “Are you Ready for Marriage?” which was the first anything MST3K that I saw). But even if it wasn’t I think Squirm is still a great episode to check out, and it comes with the double whammy of having the short “a Case of Spring Fever” in front of the film which, if they had the short in an earlier season, would definitely have become a running joke throughout the show. Sadly They only aired it here in the 10th season, but even being in the last season, it’s one of the show’s most famous shorts they’ve done.

As for the film, it’s actually pretty great too. It takes place in Georgia and is SUPER southern to a point of coming across as a parody almost. Our main character is the boyfriend of a local girl, a “city boy” who she met antiquing (a hobby they both share and talk about a lot throughout the film). However, a powerful electrical storm struck the small town a few nights ago, and as a result, it has turned all the earthworms underground into blood thirsty, violent predators (without actually growing in size). The movie is a silly and ridiculous B-Movie, but honestly a LOT of the effects are pretty damn impressive. Before he made it big in Rocky, Sylvester Stallone really wanted a role in the film but didn’t get it. All the worms in the film are real, and bought from the bait and fishing industry. So many worms were used in this film that they completely used up the entire New England’s bait supplies for the whole year following the shooting of the film.

Erm... so don’t watch it if you’re squeemish about bugs.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3msPmLpLTUM

Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders Year: 1996 S10E03 Host: Mike Mads: Pearl, Brain Guy and Bobo

omfg this movie X’D this fucking movie.

Ok. So what kind of movie do you expect with a title like that and if I tell you it starts off with a grandfather telling his grandson a story about how Merlin’s magic is real and has come to benefit mankind and help others?

You’re probably expecting some whimsical fantasy low budget Princess Bride knock off, right? This is exactly what the film THINKS it is, too. It THINKS it’s a magical child friendly story about magic and Merlin and him and his wife running a shop that sells magical items to better the lives of others.

So it’s kind of a fucking problem that the stories in this movie are based off of Stephen King horror Novellas!!!

And that’s basically all you need to know about why this movie is kind of a disaster. It thinks it’s an all ages magical romp when in reality it’s a horrifying double feature of pet deaths (warning for a dog dying in the second story) an abusive husband (warning for domestic abuse in the first story) and demonic powers.

Also, despite the film being made in 1996, the second story uses footage from the director’s earlier film “The Devil’s Gift” which was made in 1984. As a result, despite the 1996 release, the child in this part of the movie is playing with Star Wars toys and wearing an E.T. shirt through most of it.

This movie also has one of my favourite jokes by Mike right at the end of the film.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8Q-RuAx4V4

Ah crap that’s already 10 movies and I haven’t even mentioned “Werewolf” or “Puma Man”. dkfhskdhfks Go watch Puma Man and Werewolf!! They’re great!

and finally, special mention;

Manos: the hands of fate

Year: 1966 S04E24 Host: Joel Mads: Dr. Forrester and TV’s Frank

The great grandpappy of ALL the MST3K episodes. Of all the episodes they’ve ever done and all the movies and shorts they ever covered, Manos is the one that crawled under the skin of the hosts and the audience the most. Many people say it’s the very worst film they ever did EVER. As I said, I personally think the Beast of Yucca Flats is much worse if only because it’s painfully boring, but in terms of sheer “this is so fucking bad I can’t even process this”, I guess Manos wins. Being terrible because you’re boring is one thing. Being terrible because you’re completely batshit insane is another.

The story BEHIND the movie Manos is fascinating. Made when the creator of the film made a bet with a friend that he could make a movie despite never having done anything with film before, he went ahead and did it, with a screening and a premiere and everything. The actor playing Torgo was high on LSD the entire time of filming. The Camera used to shoot the film got so hot they could only film 30 seconds for each scene before they had to cut to a new one. The entire movie was filmed without sound and dubbed afterwards. The actor who was going to play the main character broke his leg before filming started and had to be replaced last second.

The movie is indescribable. It is PAIN and it is SUFFERING and it is BAFFLING and you should really build up a resistance to bad movies before attempting to watch this episode. I do NOT recommend starting your MST3K viewing with this one. But eventually, if you like MST3K, you’re gonna have to watch it. There’s just no escaping it.

The only way I can properly explain what Manos is like is to quote Crow who comments in the opening credits (which the film but forgot to put the actual credits over) “Every frame of this movie looks like someone’s last known photograph.”

And that’s it. That’s the whole movie.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZ5baft7Kv0

I forgot to add my links!

⭐️Patreon⭐️ Or consider ☕️Buying me a Ko-fi ☕️

#MST3K #Mystery Science Theater 3000 #Keep Circling the Tapes #long post #links #Gifs #youtube #recommendations

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miserelysia · 4 years

Text

“I Watched the Artemis Fowl Movie and It Made Me Very Upset” Liveblog!

So I decided I had to subject myself to this movie despite being Extremely Aware that it’s a massive pile of firey garbage. It was about as painful as expected, so I liveblogged to keep my sanity. Here’s basically what happened in my head while I was watching:

Josh Diggums: I feel so bad for Josh Gad's voice because it's painfully obvious they just didn't want Olaf showing up so they forced him into some terrible Bale-Batman voice that keeps cracking

why is this movie taking itself so seriously

Book Artemis: eternally unathletic dweeb

Movie Artemis: SURFING MASTER

the fuck, Branagh

THIS VOICE IS SO DAMN BAD, JOSH PLEASE STOP TALKING

okay Artemis is appropriately a little shit for EXACTLY ONE SCENE

FUCK OFF WITH FRIDGING THE MOM, BRANAGH

"ur mom's dead and ur dad's gone so ur a little shit" WHAT A GREAT COUNSELOR

fuck's sake

Book Artemis: immediately falls off whatever this hover thing is

COLIN FARRELL. SEXY MAN.

I ALMOST FORGIVE THEM FOR BRINGING HIM BACK EARLY

AND..... KNOWING ABOUT MAGIC

SDJFKSDF

WHATEVER

I WAS PREPARED FOR THIS

this voice is still terrible, Josh. I'm sorry

this kid is a pretty good actor

"all i really want is to believe in you" that was actually well-delivered

"Arty"

OKAY IT'S NOT ACCORDING TO THE BOOK BUT FUCK ME THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS WELL DONE

i desperately need Butler to show up soon tho

I SPOKE TOO SOON

"DOMOVOI" ??!!?? YOU FUCKS

why

are his eyes

fucking ELECTRIC BLUE

HIS LITERAL FUKDFSUCING NAME IN THE BOOKS IS 'BUTLER' IT'S PART OF BEING AN INSANELY GOOD SECRET AGENT GUARDIAN HE'S NOT AN ACTUFL FUCKING BUTLER AND LITERALLY NO ONE EVER CALLS HIM "THE BUTLER" BUT HIS NAME IS BUTLER BECAUSE HIS REAL NAME IS SECRET HE'S FUCKING SECURITY FUCKING DID YOU READ THIS FUCKING BOOK SERIES AT ALL BRANAGH OR DID YOU JUSTDSJFKLDSHFSD:LFSEFAGH

i'm sorry

Butler is my absolute favorite character of the entire damn series and they fucking

can't even get OOOONNNNNEEEEEEEEE CHARACTER CORRECT

SCREAMS

did they think calling him "Butler" would be weird because they cast a black guy?????

AGAIN WHY WITH THE FUCKING ELECTRIC BLUE CONTACTS THEY'RE SO OBVIOUSLY FAKE IT LOOKS SO BAD. IF YOU MAKE THE DECISION TO CAST AN AFRICAN AMERICAN MAN JUST FUCKING OWN THAT HE HAS DARK EYES DON'T DO THIS

THE "OWL STAR"???? REALLY???? WHY NOT FOWL STAR

WHY

NOT

IT'S JUST SUCH AN ARBITRARY DUMBASS CHANGE IT MAKES NO SENSE

PLEASE DID I JUST MISUNDERSTAND THE REPORTER MAN

DID THE CAPTIONS JUST MISUNDERSTAND HIM?????

NOPE IT'S LITERALLY THE O W L S T A R

fuck off

i'm sorry

stuff like that just bothers me a lot

it makes ABSOLUTELY no sense to change it

Fowl Star made sense bECAUSE IT'S OWNED BY ARTEMIS FOWL

artemis has a lot more emotions than i remember him having

i will not forgive them for destroying the Butler/Artemis relationship in favor of a Dad they fucking fridge in the first half hour of the movie

oh boy nursery rhymes as codes

GROUNDBREAKING

i think the fairies would have something to say about you hiding their own shit from them, MISTER SENIOR

it's still a bad voice, Josh, I'm so sorry

okay Haven is pretty nice

"Haven" not "Haven City"

pretty sure

holly being a 13 year old girl is disconcerting

that was mentioned in a review

they're supposed to be Child-Sized not ACTUAL CHILDREN

also "small person = higher pitched voice" is such a stupid trope please stop

i like the Being diversity around the city

like lots of different types of humanoids

josh desperately wants to do the Olaf voice

i'm so sorry Josh

okay aside from the shit voice Diggums is pretty good

lol Cudgeon's already in jail

okay then

i know this is Opal Koboi

meh

i hate her in the books so they can fuck her up all they want

judi dench is batman too i guess

how many cigs you smoke judi root

OH BOY HOLLY HAS MISSING DADDY ISSUES TOO

fucking shit

"you're 84" and you look like a fUCKING THIRTEEN YEAR OLD

such bad choices

every time they say "Domovoi" i--

HISDFHSDHFH

JULIET

SHE'S

HIS

FUCKING

NIECE?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????

SDFJLS:DKF FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK YYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

FUCK YOU

FUCK

FUCK YOU KENNETH BRANAGH

SHE'S

HIS

FUCKING

SISTER

HIS BABY SISTER HE LOVES AND CARES FOR EVEN MORE THAN ARTEMIS AND THAT'S A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT RELATIONSHIP THAN UNCLE AND NIECE

HOW COULD YOU LITERALLY DESTROY EVERYTHING ABOUT BUTLER AND STILL SLEEP AT NIGHT

eoin colfer i hope you made so much money off of this SHITSTACK

(genuinely tho that's literally the only consolation; now he can write more Good Books)

Juliet is cute but i know about all she does is make sandwiches

so fuck this

judi dench is Good

foaly is Okay

why's he wearing clothes tho

the chutes are a lot more... open than expected

BEECHWOOD SHORT THE TRAITOR

FUCK OFF

WHY IS HOLLY’S CHARACTER DEFINED BY HER FUCKING FATHER

THIS IS SO MUCH WORSE AN OUTCOME THAN I EVEN EXPECTED GIVEN THEY EVISCERATED HER CHARACTER'S DRIVE BY MAKING THE L.E.P. ALREADY HAVE FEMALE OFFICERS AND COMMANDERS

"get out cudgeon before i throw you out" okay they got Root completely right at least

aside from making him a her

but that's okay

because it's Judi Dench

awwwww happy flying scene bUT HOLLY YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SHIELDED GOt DAMN

“any update?” "yes. i'm freezing" amazing, Butler

i mean dOmOvOi

HOLLY YOU'RE STILL NOT SHIELDED

CGI isn't too bad in this but honestly that's not impressive anymore

awwwww cute wedding scene

troll is about as ugly as possible

LOL JUST FUCKING THROW TIME FREEZE UP LIKE IT'S NOTHING

OKAY

LOL HOLLY GO DEAL WITH THE TROLL DON'T FOCUS ON ONE SMALL CHILD

THAT'S NOT HOW A TIME FREEZE WORKS

i mean it's COOL

i love the little Men in Green zipping around

but it doesn't make ANY sense

LOL SO WHY DO THE PEOPLE THINK THE PLACE IS TRASHED

lol gently floating troll

Hollyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Judi Root continues to be amazing

ok tbf Opal Koboi would be after the Aculos if it existed

OP MacGuffin plots are so tired tho like really Branagh

i love the wings on her suit

ARTEMIS WHEN DID YOU GET TO THE TREE

holly ur a bad 84-year-old officer

LOL CUDGEON IS RIGHT ON

AND JUDI ROOT CONTINUES TO BE

"Not Happy!" lol wat

who wrote that bit of dialogue and said "yes this a perfectly good thing to have her say when she wakes up in a cage"

"mesmerism"

boy i love these exposition dump convos between Mr. Sr. and Arty

LOL "most human beings are afraid of gluten, how do you think they'd handle goblins" is a great line

out of touch, but still funny

...why does the time freeze take forever to generate now when you did it in TWO SECONDS BEFORE

calm down holly damn

foaly's very pretty

sO DID THEY FREEZE THE *ENTIRE WORLD*????????

I THOUGHT THE POINT WAS TO FREEZE THINGS INSIDE SO YOU HAVE MOONLIGHT LONGER

AND

whatever

i love this fucking ARMY coming out of literally everywhere

"TOP OF THE MORNIN'" OH MY FUCKING GOODNESS

whole movie is worth it

for that line

i love that they're entirely in green

and no one ever Shields

ever

they mentioned Shields once but NO ONE IS SHIELDED

BUTLER WOULD NEVER LET ARTEMIS INTO A FIGHT

SCREAMS

"TAKE THE SHOT"

WHY IS THE TIME FREEZE SO EASILY DESTABILIZED

FOALY

ARE YOU TELLING ME NO ONE HAS EVER SHOT YOUR FUCKING ENORMOUS DEVICE

omg no U GAVE OPAL KOBOI LEGITIMATE REASONS FOR DOING WHAT SHE'S DOING

YOU GAVE HER A SAD FRUSTRATING BACKSTORY

SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE AN ARROGANT SELF-SERVING BITCH AND NOTHING ELSE

TWENTY SEVEN MINUTES??????

hOW DID ARTEMIS KNOW ABOUT MULCH DIGGUMS SPECIFICALLY

lol that is 100% a completely inhumane prison what the fuck, fairies

why does Holly have human music

well i'm glad we didn't have to watch mulch almost eat a dude's head

"My father was kidnapped."

"My father is dead."

"Can I trust you?"

"You'll have to."

BUT WHY

WHAT IS THIS DIALOGUE

WHAT IS THIS CHARACTER PROGRESSION

THERE's NO REASON TO TRUST HER

OR TO NEED TO TRUST HER

THIS IS COMPLETELY UNEARNED AND STUPID

glad holly's entire character REVOLVES AROUND A MAN NOW, BRANAGH

LOL THEY JUST DIDN'T GIVE ROOT A FIRST NAME???

JUDI ROOT CONFIRMED

"listen to us, grunting at each other like a pair of hippos with a throat infection" LMAO

i hope that was Josh Gad improv

LOL HE JUST FUCKING DESTROYS EVERYTHING IN HIS WAY WHILE TUNNELING

YOU DIDN'T EVEN REALLY TUNNEL IN, MULCH

HOW DID YOU COME OUT OF A PAINTING

DO THEY HAVE PAINTINGS IN A BASEMENT???

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE SHEETROCK OR WHATEVER

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO EASY TO JUST

UGH

FOLLOW THE BOOK

COME ON

MULCH YOU ARE THE WORST BURGLAR

"what would your parents be" THEY'D BE CENTAURS MULCH

is... is Mulch on the second floor

HE TUNNELED THROUGH THE WALL ONTO THE SECOND FLOOR

artemis... just.. lets holly out

ok cool

LOL HIS NOSE HAIRS GROW AND MOVE LIKE TENTACLES

stupid and... funny? i guess

at least Cudgeon is the piece of shit he is in the book lol

oh boy troll time

BUTER WOULD NEVER LET MULCH DIGGUMS PICKPOCKET HIM

"jam all magic" OMFG THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE

BUTLER WOULD NEVER LET ARTEMIS FACE DOWN A FUCKING TROLL

LOL THEY JUST FIRE THE TROLL LIKE A BULLET

A TROLL-ET

DOMOVOI YOU ARE COMPLETELY USELESS WHAT THE FUCK

i wonder if kids even like this movie

omg butler couldn't even jump

i don't understand

he literally DOESN'T HELP AT ALL

IT'S HIS WHOLE THING

IS BEING ABLE TO KICK ASS

FUCKING COME ON BRANAGH

yeah fuck you branagh

are... are the fairies just DYING TO THE TIME FREEZE COLLAPSE???

"goodbye my friend. i'm sorry i was FUCKING USELESS"

branagh you're trying to activate my feelings with this Sad Death Scene(TM) but i am IMPERVIOUS because artemis has had NO RELATIONSHIP WHATSOEVER WITH THIS """DOMOVOI"""

COOL HE'S BACK NOW I’M SO GLAD ACTUAL FULL ON DEATH HAS ZERO CONSEQUENCES NOW THANKS TO OP FAIRY MAGIC

WHAT GREAT WRITING THIS IS

"i didn't cry did i" FUCK OFF

WHY IS IT SO DANGEROUS WHEN THE TIME FREEZE ENDS

WHY IS YOUR TECH SO SHITTY, FOALY

TIME FREEZES AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE DANGEROUS TO THE OCCUPANTS

THAT GOES AGAINST ALL OF FAIRY RULES

...okay and then it just ends..........?

Domovoi: "you have to try!"

Artemis: "i can't, tho"

Domovoi: "it's too dangerous!"

WHAT IS THIS DIALOGUE

WHO WROTE THIS ABSOLUTE DRIVEL

"the aculos for my father"

THE L.E.P. DOESN'T EVEN HAVE YOUR FATHER YOU ABSOLUTE DOOF

holly how do u know how to do this

the... the aculos is just the fucking Book?

i feel slapped in the face

she just recites the words and. and.

whatever

i'm done

GO FIND YOUR DAD WHO'S MAGICALLY BACK

WHY WOULD HE BE IN THE BED ARTEMIS

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A GENIUS

this girl who plays Holly cannot act

i'm sorry girl

MAGICALLY BACK DAD

HOORAY HOLLY'S CHARACTER CONTINUES TO BE DEFINED BY HER FATHER

FUCK

YOU

WRITERS

AND BRANAGH

BUTLER WOULD NEVER CRY, DOMOVOI

i like the cool earpiece they gave Judi Root to maybe? disguise her hearing aid?

Haven does look pretty cool

too much water above tho it’s not Atlantis guys come on

"i'm a criminal mastermind" LITERALLY WHEN DID YOU SHOW ANY SORT OF MASTERMIND BEHAVIOR OR CRIMINAL BEHAVIOR

BESIDES BRIEFLY KIDNAPPING HOLLY AND THEN IMMEDIATELY LETTING HER OUT

LMAO THAT LAST SHOT OF JULIET JUST LOOKING EXCITEDLY OUT OF THE WINDOW AT THE HELICOPTER WHILE EVERYONE LEAVES HER BEHIND

WHAT'S THE POINT OF THAT EVEN

THIS POOR GIRL YOU’RE JUST LEAVING HER ALONE

WOW THIS PRISON/INTERROGATION PLACE HAS LIKE

NO SECURITY

HI HOLLY WHY ARE YOU HERE??????

THIS WHOLE ENDING IS JUST THE STUPID CAP ON TOP OF A STUPID SUNDAE

i need to go listen to the books again now

#artemis fowl #artemis fowl movie #liveblog #spoilers #flaming hot garbage #disney seriously who the FUCK did you make this movie for #cause it sure wasn't the fans

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movienotesbyzawmer · 4 years

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October 21: Friday the 13th Part 3

(previous notes: Friday the 13th Part 2)

We're on a journey, you and I; a journey through the first eight Friday the 13th movies. And now we're at the only one that I actually saw in the theater! I was 11 when this came out, and I asked my dad to take me and a friend to see it in 3D. I remember mostly being excited about all the cool older kids that were in the crowd, plus also not being at all disappointed in the overall experience of cinematic violence.

And now I'm going to see it for the first time since then… and sure enough, I have it in 3D! I wonder if on my deathbed when I'm doing a mental inventory of my lifetime of experiences, if I will realize that I saw Friday the 13th Part 3 twice, both times in 3D. Will I wish I had the 2D experience at least once? Will I wonder if my life might have been different it… okay I'll shut up and watch it now, here goes…

Oh yeah, it does kind of suck to try taking notes while wearing the 3D glasses. Good thing this is just a Friday the 13th movie.

There is a card at the very start saying that the ladies and gentlemen of the audience must wear the glasses even though it won't be 3D right away!

Same director as the second one. He went on to do pretty successful non-horror movies, as I recall. The writer and director of the first movie weren't involved in any of the sequels at all, right?

Oh, the reason the beginning isn't in 3D is because it's a rehash of the end of the last movie. I wonder if they'll make it so that that ending sucks less. That's what I would do.

It's not even edited down, it's just the whole entire end of the last movie…

…oh, except, no, there is a new shot of Jason skulking away! And now the credits have started and there is a rockin' new theme, and I actually remember kind of thinking the rockin' theme was cool.

OMG the 3D here is going to be a huge problem. It is 3D, but it's broken. You know how when you look at a 3D thing without the glasses and there's the double vision thing? It's like I'm seeing the 3D effect AND the double vision. Am I supposed to have 50s-style red/blue glasses? I don’t have those. This is terrible to look at and despite everything I've noted above I am not going to watch it in 3D after all. (I tested another 3D Blu-ray and it looked fine so this is clearly just a shitty Blu-ray product. Oh well.)

The first scene after the credits is playfully doing 3D effects at us which I now cannot experience. Woe. Woe is me.

Woman in curlers is watching the story of the last movie as a news story on TV while worrying about a lurker outside. She's a little worried but she also realizes it's time to take the laundry in from the clotheslines.

Not even sure what the setting is here. The news reporter called the murders from the last one "the worst crime in local history".

The exposition has taught us about this couple who lives on this property that is a rabbit farm and a grocery store where the husband just grazes on the food. We know there's also a lurker! But there's also a snake in a rabbit cage that has mutilated a rabbit, and that snake jumps at the camera in some sort of Three Dimensional Effect! Plus also, lurker. Ch ch ch ch ch ha ha ha ha.

Husband checks a room and is butcher-knifed shockingly! These are not camp counselors. What did they do wrong. The wife gets killed quickly afterward, but with a different weapon, an arrow or something! Variety!

Now we're on some new characters. Fun lovin' young adults! One of them is a silly prankster who is insecure about his appearance. Will that play into the story later? Oh I hope so.

They all just arrived at a friend's house to pick them up for something. But uh oh… the van is on fire, look at the smoke! They are alarmed! But ha ha ha, no, it turns out there are hippies in the back of the van smoking grass ha ha! It’s their friends that had been deliberately a secret from us until this moment.

A merry Cheech/Chong scene ensues where they think the police are on their tail so they all have to swallow the drugs! But the police just pass them and it was all for nothing ha ha.

Unlike the first two movies, this Blu-ray transfer is riddled with marks and flaws.

The next tale in this saga, this veritable Odyssey, involves an old man lying on the road, obstructing their van trip. What is wrong with him! It turns out he's crazy; he is the sequel to the crazy old man from the first two movies. He is holding an eyeball maybe, and he tells them that his handheld eyeball means he has to warn them about doom or whatever. It doesn’t look like an eyeball. I am watching this movie.

The place they are at is some kind of ranch, not even a summer camp I don't think, but Chris, who it seems like might be the main girl, is reacquainting herself with a house on the premises that is adorned with many paintings. Maybe I missed where they explained who they are and what this place is, but it seems like they're just a bunch of young people who are spending a weekend at this ranch place where Chris used to hang out or live.

Insecure Guy played a trick which resulted in the 48th fakeout of the movie so far, he makes it look like he's been hatcheted, but it was just some clownin' with gore makeup. The dialogue is very, very unnatural.

Um, an incident just occurred at the grocery store! A different grocery store from where the opening murders happened. Insecure Guy was there with a friend, and some TUFFS show up to make trouble! They bully our protagonists and make them feel bad! That ends with Insecure Guy running over their motorcycles in a heroic moment for him. His character has a complex arc!

The TUFFS broke the windshield of the car, and all the characters are oddly tolerant of that.

The TUFFS apparently tracked our heroes to the ranch and are there to get some revenge. They gotta even the score! They're going to do that by siphoning gas from that stoner van apparently. But the TUFF that is a girl decides to go exploring. And someone we can't see is watching her! Hey, what kind of movie is this anyway? She is unnaturally amused by the various props on display in the barn she's exploring. She is so pleased with her decision to go exploring.

But she hears a noise! In the barn she has trespassed into! She decides to vigilantly investigate! But a moment later we see that she noticed the rope that hangs from the side of the barn and she swings on it. She is delighted! "This feels good", she actually exclaims while just swinging a little bit on a rope. I'm not sure the writers of this movie have ever met a person.

One of the TUFFS goes after her and finds her pitchforked! Then he gets pitchforked! Then the last remaining TUFF goes in there to investigate, having executed the masterful chess move of stealing gas out of the van, and gets in a fight with an assailant whose face we can't see, but who appears to have clean, pressed slacks. The last TUFF gets clubbed real good.

Insecure Guy tries to tell a pretty girl that he likes her. She responds by saying "no. I’m going to go outside for a little while, and when I come back inside, we'll talk." That's really how that exchange went. Have you ever been in an exchange like that.

We're on Chris now, and she's finally spilling the tea about her past. It turns out she was attacked by a grotesque man with a knife in the woods near her house. Just some mysterious man with a bad face. It ended with her losing consciousness and waking up with just that story which was apparently unbelievable to her parents. Glad we got to the bottom of that. Do you think this is a true story.

The way they're showing the killer makes him less scary than in the other movies. You see it's a male adult that has clean clothes and a casual, confident gait. We can't see his head at all but what we can see is well lit. Sometimes it's a fakeout because it isn't really the killer. But sometimes it is. Like just now the stoners went to investigate a mysterious noise in the barn. They don't find anything, but we see the killer, from the chest down, seeing them. Ch ch ch ch! Ha ha ha ha!

I think we just saw the first appearance of the hockey mask! Insecure Guy played another devious jape upon the pretty girl he was hoping to woo - she's sitting on a dock and he grabs at her ankle from underwater! Wearing a hockey mask. For some reason. He had a mask earlier, but it was a different one. Maybe his identity is "mask guy". Because in a way are not we all Mask Guy.

Jason, I guess, just killed that girl with a spear gun while wearing the hockey mask! It was a 3D gimmick death. Shot her right in the eye. I think when they had their first meeting about making this movie they just said "okay, let's just make a list of some different murder weapons and send it over to Fred, he'll write it up as a screenplay."

One of the guys just got macheted! I think I do remember that from before because he was a handstand walker-arounder and he was walking on his hands when Jason came upon him and swung the machete down between his legs! It didn't actually show it, but you know how he got sliced and ow.

That guy's girlfriend was in the shower when that happened, and when she comes out, she is distracted when she comes upon a very enticing issue of Fangoria magazine. They're in a bubble, the makers of this movie.

But that scene ends with her seeing her dead boyfriend in pieces above her in the rafters, and they are very gory pieces, and then she gets bowie-knifed from under the hammock as she's laying in it! Many deaths. Oh, the many deaths.

We didn't see Insecure Guy get killed; we only assume he's dead because Jason has the hockey mask now.

Oh, I had just typed that when Insecure Guy arrives at the stoner girl's door with a slashed throat. She doesn't believe it's real because he is such a fooler. Plus also maybe because it's not a very good gore effect by any standards. Suddenly her boyfriend is getting killed somewhere else in a manner that has to do with an electrical box, it all happened so fast! Then she herself gets run through with a hot poker! Jason is being very diligent about killing each victim in a different way.

Pretty sure all that's left now is Chris and her boyfriend, who were off somewhere talking about her terrible experience with a grotesque man. They are returning now, and we will soon see them realize that they are in a world of murder! murder! murder!

The boyfriend has a very square jaw. One of the squarest, really.

The most Hitchcock-y shot so far - Chris is looking out the front door and calling out for Square Jaw… she can't see him but we can, around the corner, being muzzled by Jason just out of her view! Then she goes back inside and Jason just squishes his head with his hands! Eyeball pops out and it is 3D. Unless it isn't, which in this case is what it is(n't).

Chris is exploring the campus trying to get some answers, and the body of one of the TUFFS is suddenly dangled in front of her from like a tree branch or something. Then she goes inside and wonders what oh what will become of her, and Square Jaw's body is hurled through the window. Each movie has multiple instances of bodies getting inexplicably thrown through windows and suddenly dangling out of the sky at just the right time for it to be scary.

She comes upon Jason in the house and they tussle! She stabs him in the leg with a knife that she extracted from a body that was conveniently nearby! He pulls it out and throws it at her with Olympic-caliber precision, but she still gets away.

She runs to the van and has the keys and starts it up even! Drives away and everything! But it runs out of gas so she literally just runs back to the ranch. Like, "back to the drawing board" I guess.

I can't stress enough how odd and disappointing it is that Jason just walks and dresses like a normal man, other than the fact that above the neck he is disguised by the mask. He doesn't limp or lurch or hunch, and again, he has clothes that, while plain, are oddly presentable for someone who is some kind of supernatural homicidal forest hermit.

Here now is another thing I remember from seeing this in Actual Nineteen Eighty Two; Jason's hanging from this pulley thing where she thinks she has him killed or immobilized or something, and he be-s alive at her, and even lifts up the mask to show his grotesque face! It's so that she can realize that he's the same guy that attacked her in the woods in the story she told from several years earlier.

He's about to get her… but one of the TUFFS is not dead, and emerges to fight Jason. That ends badly for the TUFF, he gets de-handed and just beaten down badly, but meanwhile Chris axes Jason in the head.

And here is what happens the next morning to blow our minds at the end of this movie. She has gotten in a canoe to get a good night's sleep. All tuckered out, time to hit the canoe, right? Then in the morning she wakes up in the canoe and spots Jason with a big head wound from her axe, he's just looking at her through a window of the house. He's totally going to come get her. But instead of him getting her, a lady emerges from the lake and pulls her in! It's maybe Jason's mother? But she's all ghoulish so we don't really know. Seems like that's the same sweater though. But also, her head is attached to her body, whereas the movie began by very clearly reminding us that Mom's severed head is a cabin somewhere else. But anyway, just like in the first movie, the consequence of that surprise waterborne attack is that she is being cared for by paramedics a little later, all confused.

This is a bad movie! So bad! From this team I expected so much this exact thing.

(next: Friday the 13th - The Final Chapter)

#friday the 13th

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