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jihyosforehead · 5 years

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can i get some seulrene angst please

delicious yes i got u (fair warning this is pre long!!!) …

seulrene meet in their university library

irene is sitting alone at her regular table, trying and failing to study for her advanced statistics test

in the middle of daydreaming about dropping out, seulgi turns up asking if she can sit at irenes table bc everywhere else is full

irene blinks and stares dumbly bc seulgi is lowkey the most adorable human being she has ever seen (the sweater paws are doing something to her heart)

and irene is distracted because seulgi is watching her lecture, knees pulled to her chest, elbows propping her head up, the tips of her fingers peaking out from her sleeves. irene feels her stomach flip uncomfortably

seulgi comes to her table again the next day and the day after that and at the end of the fourth time they sit together, seulgi starts leaving irene little snacks and finally introduces herself after realising she doesnt actually know irenes name

eventually they hang out outside of the library and realise they have mutual friends (seulgi with wendy and irene with yeri; and yeri and wendy with each other)

one day their whole group was meant to hang out but literally everyone bailed citing “personal emergencies” but seulrene didn’t realise this until theyre sitting in a cafe just the two of them

and it’s awkward at first but irene makes a joke about their friends being dumb and they go into this whole tangent of stories about their lives and they look at the time and they might as well get dinner since it’s late and they still wanna continue their conversation

irenes never met a person who could make her scream laugh so loud that people start staring

irenes regular table at the library becomes irene and seulgi’s regular table at the library and somewhere between that day in the cafe and right now, thursday afternoon approximately 3:43pm, does irene realise she has the biggest fattest crush on seulgi

and so she remembers seulgi’s fav snacks, remembers when seulgi’s tests are and helps her study for them, remembers her favourite movies and exhibitions she wants to see, remembers where she always loses her keys and has a sixth sense for when seulgi’s about to trip over her feet

and seulgi for all her clumsiness has a knack for understanding irene’s cold front and chips away at it, and it’s too late for irene to realise that seulgi has crawled her way into her heart and taken up permanent residence there

(she thinks she doesnt mind it)

seulgi runs off to the bathroom for a second and the open notebook catches her eye and irene finds herself picking it up to look at it more closely and it’s a drawing of her, looking otherworldly, almost unreal and irene is shookt. the book slips out of her hands and it lands on another page and it’s irene sipping some coffee, she flips the page and it’s of irene taking a nap, flips the page and it’s irene laughing - the notebook is snatched out of her hands unexpectedly and irene looks up to seulgi is standing there red-faced, stammering, apologetic and horrified but at the same time shes trying to be stern like “you cant just look at peoples things without permission! !!!1!” but irene is just like “this is how you see me?” and it’s a soft™ moment and seulgi has developed foot in mouth syndrome and is like “well yeah! u kind of mean everything 2 me u absolute dumbass !!!”

they start dating - to absolutely no ones surprise

their first kiss is in the middle of a lowkey night, theyre watching movies on irenes laptop in her dorm and sharing a blanket - tbh irene stopped watching the movie about 20 mins ago in place of studying seulgi’s side profile in wonder, her fingers twitching trying not to brush the strand of hair away from seulgi’s forehead. she settles for arranging the blanket more securely around seulgi’s shoulders just in case shes cold, you know? seulgi’s watching her the whole time and when irene looks up, seulgi’s eyes are just sparkly with fond affection and maybe love? but that thought is quickly cut off when seulgi presses her lips to irenes, so softly and gently and carefully that irene feels tears prick the corners of her eyes, she feels like shes going to break

but after that theres so many kisses. kisses in the library, forehead kisses, kisses before class, after class, any time in between; did well on a test? a kiss! did really badly on a test? a kiss!! maybe even an extra one! courtyard kisses, kisses in irenes dorm, in seulgi’s dorm, kisses at breakfast, lunch and dinner, just so many kisses!!

it’s a quiet sunday and seulgi and irene are redoing irenes dorm because seulgi scuffed the wall so badly it needs repainting and why not make a day of it? so here irene is, painting the wall, where it meets the floor bc her gf is clumsy but she is adorable and irene is in love, she thinks she’ll remember this day when theyre old and wrinkly and married

irene notices seulgi pulling away, distancing herself, acting weirdly guilty about something? irene thinks maybe shes done something wrong? is seulgi getting tired of her? tired of the relationship? it goes on for awhile and theres a heavy tension between them so thick, it’s almost tangible. and then one day when seulgi’s bailed on another date, irene shuts down. doesn’t know what to think. maybe seulgi doesnt love her anymore? maybe shes bored? irene knows that sometimes she can be really heavy handed with her affection but ever since seulgi’s pulled away, irene figured that maybe she wants space

seulgi turns up at irenes dorm, uninvited. irene swings the door open to find her gf looking equal parts sheepish and guilty. but shes holding a bag of food from irenes favourite restaurant, irene lets her in.

seulgi explains, hand rubbing the back of her neck, that when she gets into a funk, she just needs to go off and think on her own and is apologising for shutting irene out. irene is quick to forgive her. but as the night goes on, it’s clear that seulgi is feeling guilty for some other reason and when asked, seulgi just. she looks so sad

“a few weeks before we met, i applied for this arts school and i got a letter about 2 weeks ago saying that i got in. it’s really competitive and they only have a few spots available for international students and I didn’t think I’d even get in and I forgot but i got in. I got in,” seulgi whispers. almost as if, any louder and the words would be real.

“did u think i was going to beg you to stay here or something?” irene asks, softly. seulgi frowns deeply.

“no. i knew you were gonna tell me to go. but i don’t want to go. i want to be here with you,” seulgi tells her, desperately, voice cracking.

“u huge idiot, do u think that i wouldnt wait for u??? i would wait forever u huge dumbass!!!!”

the evening takes an obvious downturn. but they try not to notice. the next few weeks are seulrene trying to spend as much time together as possible. irene is trying her best to memorise what seulgi feels like in her arms; how she breathes when she’s asleep; the noises she makes when irene is pinning her to the sheets, marking her neck purple with bruises; how seulgi looks like shes close to tears when irenes made her laugh so hard that she snorts; the little fond sighs seulgi sends irenes way when she catches her staring over their morning coffee; how small she looks in an oversized sweater with the sleeves engulfing her hands completely; the way seulgi’s hands feel, fingers threaded through hers; how she likes to kiss irenes shoulder when theyre in bed; how for some reason when seulgi eats chewing with her mouth open it’s adorable instead of disgusting; and how irene is constantly brushing crumbs off seulgi’s clothes. irene tries her best to remember the slip of seulgi’s spine; the way she looks fully sated and satisfied; how seulgi’s eyes, dark and wide, always regard her with warm, open affection; how they can lay side by side in bed saying nothing for hours but irene doesnt need to hear words to know what seulgi’s feeling

but irene knows it isnt enough

because 2 weeks later, seulgi’s on a plane to paris with irenes heart in her hands and the kiss they share in the airport feels bitterly like a final goodbye

seulgi lands and sends irene photos of her food and the buildings and the friends she’s already made. and irene smiles wistfully

they facetime, and send each other texts every few hours, and schedule “dates” but the distance is so palpable that irene feels her heart ache something new whenever she sees seulgi’s red-rimmed eyes, yawning while sipping on a huge mug of coffee

“we should break up,” irene says. she can feel her heart crack at her own words, the tears visible on seulgi’s lashes even through the shitty facetime quality

“w-why?” seulgi sniffs

“because this isn’t working for us, this distance is going to ruin us completely,” irene finds herself saying, voice wooden and stiff. and she knows shes right because she knows seulgi’s grades arent as good as they could be and irene has failed a test and an assignment already

“wait for me,” seulgi is begging and irene is nodding her head frantically, promising tearfully over and over again that she would wait forever if she had to

so they break up that tuesday night, seulgi in paris and irene in korea. this has to be the worst facetime she’s ever had in her whole life.

it hurts like nothing shes ever imagined, irene thinks shes never cried this much in her life. and she thinks shes doing well but she catches a whiff of seulgi’s perfume on her hoodie one day and it starts a fresh wave of gut-wrenching tears and her heart cracks into tiny, little pieces all over again

they don’t speak for literal years

but irene knows seulgi’s doing pretty well; she’s already held a few exhibitions, according to wendy. irenes graduated and doing okay for herself at a nice cushy job

wendy didn’t tell her that seulgi was back in korea though, but irene is pretty sure seulgi is back because she would recognise that laugh and perfume anywhere

seulgi turns around and her eyes finds irenes and seulgi is making a beeline towards her. irenes pulse is jumping erratically

“hey irene, it’s been awhile,” seulgi says, giving her a warm look. she looks older. more mature. holds herself like she knows shes grown up. but, irene thinks, fondly, painfully, her voice is exactly the same. wraps irenes name in her mouth exactly the same as she did 6 years ago

“hey,” irene replies, with a smile of her own.

“i want to introduce you to someone,”seulgi says, a grin turning up her face, and beckons a tall, intimidatingly beautiful woman over, “this is sooyoung,” seulgi’s smile grows even brighter and irene feels her heart plummet, connecting the dots, “my fiancee.”

“o-oh, it’s very nice to meet you,” irene is saying, trying her best to sound sincere but she sounds so monotone and robotic and wooden, her throat is closing up and her heart has almost stopped completely, and she has to leave before she starts crying all over seulgi again

so maybe seulgi moved on without telling irene

and maybe irene never moved on. and maybe irene had always waited around for seulgi

maybe waiting forever wasn’t a good idea after all, irene thinks wryly, sitting in her apartment alone, uselessly wiping hot tears from her face that don’t seem to stop no matter how much she tries

irenes not sure how, but it hurts more than that night 6 years ago and shes never felt a pain so profound that it goes all the way to her bones; shes sitting on the floor crying and she feels so ridiculous for thinking this but shes looking at the spot where the wall meets the floor and she realises she didn’t paint it very well

#seulrene #seulgi #irene #red velvet #red velvet hcs #red velvet headcannons #red velvet scenarios #red velvet imagines #ask #anon #this was so much fun lmfao thank u for the ask uwuuu #this was totally ripped from that richard siken quote i have no shame that is fkn masterpiece #we goin thru it tonight boiiis wheeew 🥴🤪

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solange-lol · 5 years

Text

not so typical love song - ch. 1/13

Chapter Title: Rollarcoaster

Words: 3,050

Note: my piece for the @pjo-hoo-bigbang !!! special thanks to @shelbychild and @wisdom-walks-alone for editing and helping me develop this story! it wouldnt exist w/o y’all!

Art by @lizzybizzyo! <3

read on ao3

—

Nico is staring at his computer, wordless. This isn't writer's block or surprise; it’s just the unknown reality of what this situation could lead to.

Another gay kid in his school. Another gay kid that isn’t Mitchell—who’s been out since 8th grade, and the only one to be out since then. Another kid at their school who’s hiding a secret.

Nico doesn’t even know if this kid is a boy or a girl or what, and frankly, he doesn’t care. There’s another kid like him. And he has no idea how to respond to the post.

The post is a submission from their school’s gossip blog on Tumblr, the notorious ‘hb-secrets.’ Piper had called him an hour ago, asking if he’d seen it yet.

“Seen what?” he had responded.

“The post on hb-secrets? About the closeted gay kid?” It hit Nico like a wall of bricks as he quickly went to pull up the website. Did somebody know? It was a relief when he saw the clipart Ferris wheel and a few short lines submitted by a blog called blue0919.

“I bet it’s that Brazilian sophomore. Paolo or whatever? Or maybe it’s Connor Stoll! I swear he’s been flirting with Mitchell, but Annabeth keeps telling me that he’s into Lacy or someone,” Piper continued as he read, but it was going in one ear and out the other as he processed the words on the screen

Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck on a Ferris wheel. One minute I’m on top of the world, and the next minute I’m at rock bottom. Over and over all day long, because a lot of my life is great. But nobody knows I’m gay.

“Gotta go. I’ll talk later,” Nico said quickly, switching off his phone. He knew it would raise suspicion, but it felt like time was turning in on itself. Nobody knew about Nico. In fact, nobody ever even suspected. He’s never been called names besides “Death Boy.” And yet, there were the exact words that described his life, written out in front of him like they were a second thought.

And now, he was staring at his computer with an empty Gmail draft open. The original poster had left their email at the end of the post, so Nico after glancing quickly at his Panic! at the Disco poster still proudly hanging on his wall, typed out a new address. He was stuck, though, unsure of what to say from here.

So, he started from the beginning.

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: Oct 2 at 6:48 PM

Subject: Hey

Somehow you’ve managed to type exactly what I feel. Sorta scary, as if you’re inside my head or something. Maybe it’s just a gay thing to be speaking in metaphors about the pressure of everyday society.

That’s what I am. Gay. I don’t know if I’ve ever really said it out loud to myself.

It’s weird because I never really had a perfectly normal life. My mom died when I was young, so I never really got to meet her. My sister and I have always been super close until she went away to college. Now, not as much. I guess that’s just what happens when you live a million miles away.

And I’ve known my stepmom longer than I knew my real mom, but it was only a few years ago when I met my half-sister when she came to live with us because her mom died as well. Meaning, she isn’t the daughter of my stepmom. It’s a long story, and not really one I want to get into.

She’s super nice though. It’s funny, but despite being polar opposites with my older sister, they’re both mushy inside. Same with my stepmom. And my dad… he tries his best. We’re like exactly what you expect from a slightly broken family. Plus my dog who my cousin gave to me during a rough time. Honestly, she’s probably my favorite sibling out of them all. (Both my sisters would kill me if they knew I wrote that.)

And then there are my friends. I have some that are closer than others; Two of them I’ve known for a while now, and one who I only met recently but treats me better than some of the people I’ve known my whole life. While I admit, I’m not the most social person in the world, they’re pretty amazing as far as friends go.

So there it is. My perfectly normal life. Except for that huge ass secret.

He typed and retyped each line what felt like a thousand times, deleting word after word. He didn't know what was too much. It all felt like too much, really. He didn’t even know if he could trust this person.

Signing it was the worst part; he didn’t have any good pseudonyms. Eventually, he decided to leave it blank.

Without a second thought, Nico hit ‘send’ before leaning back in his chair and putting his hands over his head. Only a second later, a light knock came from the door, causing him to quickly sit up as Hazel popped her head in.

“Dinner’s ready if you wanna eat,” she smiled. She left just as quickly as she came, curls bouncing as she walked away. They had gotten over the awkwardness of having a new sibling only months after Hazel moved in, but there was still some strangeness. To this day, Nico was still a lot closer to her than Bianca was. Either way, Nico knew he would do anything for her. (Not that he would admit that. He didn't even need to, Hazel already knew.)

Nico glanced back at his computer, but there was nothing in his inbox besides the Gmail “Welcome” email. It was stupid to think this person would respond that quickly, seeing as Nico didn't even know if they would respond at all. Heaving a sigh, he got up to join his family for dinner. Maybe he could even convince them to watch Steven Universe instead of The Bachelor.

---

Dinner went as expected. It’d been a while, actually, since they were all together for a meal. Hazel talked about her psycho geometry teacher and a boy she talked in the class named Frank, who seemed sweet but apparently had a shared hatred for math just like her. Nico didn’t say much, although chimed in at the latter, saying he better be the flower boy at their wedding. That even got a short scoff out of his father, which tended to be the closest Nico ever got him laughing. So, that was a win.

However, he was a little more distant than usual. The pending email response was in the back of his mind during the entire meal.

Even afterward, as they watched reruns of Glee (a compromise made between Hazel and Nico, much to their father’s dismay), Nico couldn’t focus. It felt like a weight was burning through his back pocket. After the second episode (and laughing his ass off at his father’s reaction to Kurt’s ‘Single Ladies’ dance) he finally excused himself.

He tapped the Gmail app on his phone as soon as he had reached his room. It felt like his heart skipped a beat when he noticed the new notification, a response from the original poster. With slightly shaky hands, he tapped the response, and a message opened up.

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: Oct 2 at 8:12 PM

Subject: I’ve never done this before

Dear anonymous person on the internet,

I really don’t know where to begin. I’m also not sure if you're a real person. For all I know you could be some random pedophile like one of those cases they warned us about in health class for the past 5 years, even though it’s never happened within the last decade.

But in case you are real, hello! I’m the original poster from that hb-secrets thread about life being a Ferris wheel. I’m rereading what I wrote there and I can’t stop cringing, so I’ll start by apologizing for that. I’m not usually one for metaphors, even the bad ones.

Anyway, it sounds like you identify with what I wrote. I’m glad you emailed me; I didn’t think anyone would actually do anything with the email that I left. Except maybe be extremely homophobic. But it made me feel less like I was shouting into the void, so thanks for that. And I assume you’re okay with me writing back since you sent me the first email. Though, I can’t believe I’m actually writing to you. I really didn’t think I would.

I guess I’m thinking it could be nice to talk with someone who can relate to how I’m feeling. No pressure, of course, but feel free to write back if you want to. I don’t want to use my real name, but you can call me Blue.

It was surreal. Someone who was like Nico. Someone who wanted to talk to Nico because they were like him.

He started to type again, with more excitement than he’s ever felt. He’s never been able to express this part of him before. It was almost like first date jitters-type feeling.

(Not that he really knew what that was like.)

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: Oct 2 at 8:23 PM

Subject: Re: I’ve never done this before

Hi, Blue

Wow, I’m actually kind of flipping out right now, because I seriously didn’t think I’d hear from you, especially so quickly. Wow. Okay. First of all, thanks for your email and also for your Tumblr post. I really liked it, Blue, and it wasn’t cringy at all, I promise.

So do you go here (here meaning HBHS)? I do, I’m a junior. And I’m a guy (are you a guy?) Anyway, I could relate a lot to your post, Like, pretty much all of it, but especially the part about being gay. You probably figured that out already though. And I’m not out yet either, which you probably figured that part out too.

I guess a part of me wants to be out, but a part of me’s like… no. It’s hard to explain. I don’t know. Maybe you get it.

So yeah, it’s really nice to meet you! This is kind of cool, right? Even writing this email makes me feel eleven times less alone.

-Angel (not my real name either, two can play at this game. It’s not like a pet-name type thing. If you ever find out who I am, you’ll understand why.)

He was worried about the whole name-signing thing. ‘Angel’ was just the easiest thing; it was a direct translation of his last name. He was really hoping Blue still didn’t take it in a weird way, even with that last note.

Relief flooded through him when he read the first sentence of Blue’s next email.

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: Oct 2 at 8:41 PM

Subject: Re: I’ve never done this before

Angel, huh? Maybe like guardian angel perhaps.

Also, eleven times less alone? That’s oddly specific. :) But I know exactly what you mean.

Anyway, wow. Hi. You wrote back, and quickly too. I’m really glad you liked my post. Now I’m actually happy I put it out there. I have to admit, it’s strange to be writing a somewhat personal email to you when we don’t know each other’s identities. Though, in a way, I guess that makes it easier. Sorta like a therapist, except we’re both blindfolded and have the same problem. So not really a therapist, I guess.

Do you think therapists have therapists? Like, if the problems get to be too much for them? Is there an Almighty Therapist who just absorbs everyone's issues and feels nothing?

Anyway, I am a guy, and I’m also a junior at HB. I think you’re actually the first other gay guy I’ve met here. It’s pretty surreal to be talking to you. (In a good way though.) I wonder if we know each other in real life.

And I think I understand what you mean. I feel like I’m constantly going back and forth about wanting to come out. I have these moments where I’m almost bursting to tell people. Of course, that’s where I was when I posted the thing on Tumblr. But I always feel so weird about it a few hours later, and sometimes I’m intensely relieved no one knows yet. What about you?

-Blue

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: Oct 2 at 9:12 PM

Subject: Re: I’ve never done this before

I mean, let’s be real, eleven is the best number, which is perfect because we’re both in eleventh grade. And I can't believe we’re both juniors. The class is pretty small compared to the others, so I bet we do know each other, which is weird to think about. What if we’re actually enemies in real life? Do you have enemies? I don’t think I do, not really. Various people tend to annoy me a lot. It’s not even their fault; some people just have really punchable faces.

(I’m usually a really nonviolent person. I’m more like a violent person who at the same doesn’t really want to hurt anyone, so I have to resort to fantasizing about punching people, which just ends in eating my feelings in large quantities of McDonald’s.)

It’s funny for me, it’s actually not so much that go back and forth about wanting to come out. It’s like I simultaneously do and don’t want to be out. Which is pretty freaking exhausting, honestly. Like I’m in this constant state of JUST SAY IT and NO NEVER. Do you think that ever ends? I don’t know, maybe I’m just a really indecisive person. I think part of me is also just holding out until college when I’m away from anyone I know and can just reinvent myself.

So what kind of stuff do you like to do after school and everything?

-Angel

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: Oct 2 at 9:34 PM

Subject: Re: I’ve never done this before

I don’t think I have any enemies, but now I’m definitely wondering if I’m the guy with the punchable face. How do you know if you have a punchable face? I’ve never been punched, so hopefully, that’s a good sign.

I will say, I’m definitely with you on the issue of eating your feelings. I’m the person who has never smoked a cigarette or gotten drunk or anything like that, and I'm usually relatively healthy. However, I once ate five jars of Nutella in one sitting. I do not recommend,

I’m indecisive, too, in some ways. Okay, full disclosure: I was really conflicted when you sent me that email. I kept going back and forth about whether I should email you. I was (and am) definitely intrigued, but I guess I was also a little bit paranoid. It’s just that you could have been anyone, and it’s hard to know sometimes if someone’s being a jerk or if they’re being sincere. Plus my cousin sort of actually outed me. Not to anyone else, he’s the only one who knows, but now I’m super paranoid about coming out. (Exactly what you said about holding out until college. I’m thinking I can move to LA or somewhere where nobody really cares. Although I wouldn’t want to reinvent myself. And I don’t want you to reinvent yourself either, you’re pretty cool as you are I think.) Anyway, I’m really glad I decided to email you, though.

So, you’re probably going to think I’m ridiculous, but I’d rather not answer your last question. It’s just… I think I like being anonymous for now. Is that okay?

-Blue

Okay, that last part was fair. Nico understood the wanting-to-be-anonymous thing. Sure, they go to the same school. But Blue had no reason to entirely trust him; Nico didn’t really trust Blue at all. This could entirely be some random asshole anywhere in the world trying to find him and beat him up, or worse. It sucked that homophobia was still a thing in their day and age.

But Blue said he liked talking to Nico, and it was thrilling to talk to him. It was another secret of his, but not one he entirely minded keeping. So, he chose to believe that Blue was actually who he said he was.

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: Oct 2 at 9:57 PM

Subject: Punchability

Blue, you have so much to learn about the rules of punchability, starting with the fact that it is completely impossible for you to have a punchable face. Rule number one: guys who make metaphors about Ferris wheels are automatically unpunchable. Rule number two: There isn’t one. Just rule number one, so memorize it. Everyone else can catch these fists. (Catch these fists? These hands? This would probably be more intimidating if I knew the correct phrasing)

Also, five jars of Nutella in one sitting is the worst idea I’ve ever heard in my life. Challenge accepted.

I don’t think you’re ridiculous, Blue. I totally understand why you don't want to tell me about your extracurricular activities (I’m guessing interpretive dance, though, you seem like the type.) But seriously, I get it. It’s this weird contradiction, right? It’s so much easier to be open with someone who doesn't know you at all. We’ll be each other's Ultimate Therapists.

(Except I don’t think I could ever be a therapist.)

Anyway, I’m really glad you decided to email me back, too :)

-Angel

That smiley face was really unlike him.

Nico sent the email, but after nearly an hour, he didn’t get on back, which meant Blue was probably asleep. Which was different from what Nico was used to; he tended to stay awake until the early hours of the morning most nights. But it wasn’t anything he minded. He had a conversation with Blue, and even if that was the last one they would ever have (which, he was hoping it wouldn’t be), it was good to know that there was somewhere out there like him.

#solangelo #heros of olympus #pjo #will solace #nico di angelo #pjo hoo big bang 2019 #im willing to make a tag list for this but i didnt want to use my general solangelo taglist #so if you would like a taglist for this fic lmk!#nstls

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heyitslapis · 6 years

Text

Ok let's see... its been about 3 weeks since i posted last, give or take a few days. And I'll just say its been an interesting and exhausting few weeks.

Still trying to completely get over my dumbf*ck feelings for Alex. I'm not really doing a super great job at that, and still get random depressive moments that last a varying amount of time, but usually i just push my pity party to the side after about 2 minutes.

On the 3rd of June, Alex went up to see part of her family and join them on a cruise to Columbia. She said wont be back until maybe the 3rd or 4th of July at the earliest. I kinda miss her, but I feel like spending a month physically apart from her will do me some good. Her and i still snap back and fourth to save our streak and to day good morning. Whenever she cant find wifi, she turns on her dad's personal hotspot so she can send me at least one snap to keep our streak rolling (we are the longest streak we have with anyone on our snapchats, and it stands currently at 261 days.) The day after she left the streak sorta died for the day, but she was able to save it cause she was in a different time zone.

Since she's been gone, we've hired several new people at work, many if which being new hosts (thank God tbh, cause this means after theyre all done training and get a couple weeks to get used to everything i can train as a server and hopefully make a little more money). One of them is Giovanni's sister (Gio is a guy that works there. Mostly does dish, sometimes hosts.) And apparently she likes me? About a week before she started they came in to eat with their mom and after they left Gio was like "Dude, i think my sister likes you."

Hey, some random girl actually has a crush on me for the first time in my life? That's cool! Right? It would be, if she weren't 17. If i were still 18 or 19, i wouldnt really care. But now that im 20, even though we only have a 2 year and almost 6 month age difference, i still feel like its weird. I feel like im in a whole new age threshold now that ive hit that 2 decade mark, and she just seems to me like a kid. Anyway, Sammy (thats her) is bi with a preference for girls. She's very forward about asking the girls at work about their sexuality (she'll be mid convo and just be like "wait; you straight?") She makes a hobby of flirting with the straight girls, because as she says it, she can easily flirt with straight girls bc she knows she wont have a chance. As soon as she knows theyre bi or gay, she cant even really talk to them. Sammy flirts with me in excess, has asked me 3 times if im straight, or if im sure that i am (homegirl has only been here like two weeks), and the reason why is because she would happily let me break her heart, and has said thats its too bad im not gay bc if i was she would let me crush her. Also has told me that i remind her of her ex girlfriend, and when i said idk if thats supposed to be a compliment or not, she said "well i really liked her, so..." Oh and btw all 3 times shes asked, I've told her im straight (yknow, bc im not out to the irl general public) and I'll just say that having to lie outloud about my sexuality does not feel that great. Thats not something ive ever had to verbally do before, and now i understand. Tbh i dont really lie, or at least i very rarely do, bc i dont like it, and i want to be seen as trustworthy. i have told my share of lies in my day, but i feel like that was in the top 3 worst lies ive ever told. Simply because i know thats not who i am, yet im saying it anyway.

Besides that, in these last couple weeks ive:

Gotten my computer hacked and almost got scamed out of the piddly $120 dollars total that is in my bank account for me to try to live off of until next Fridays paycheck, and almost got my brother's bank account hacked (looong f*ckin story. Short version, im a gotdang fool, and people are absolute bastards), so now i cant use my computer until i get it looked at, which means no art (sucks bc i wanted to draw myself a bi pride icon)

Put in 103 hours at work in the last 2 weeks

Had our only available car break down twice

Got about half of our kitchen painted. Still need to find time to finish it

Purchased tickets for a convention, and bought almost everything i need to finish my cosplay.

Have a sore in the back of my mouth thats been plaguing me for over a week (finally starting to heal. Its been hurting to do so much as talk, much less eat or drink)

Had to deal with everyone's attitudes at work (some sh*ts going on with the moon and everyones been a pissy ass lately, and im so over it)

The pain in the ass girl at work that we've been trying to get rid of for over a year called in and quit 15 minutes before her literal last shift (Father's day) and our proprietary manager told her "its bullshit that you just found out that your other job scheduled you to work today 15 minutes before you had to come here" and "dont try to come back to this store again". Im ecstatic about it tbqh and feel a small sense of victory about the whole thing.

One of my favorite gays from work had his last shift Saturday night and im still sad about it.

It may not seem like much but its just all around every other day something else small happened to add to the weird and crazy smorgasbord that is my life.

Also bless Sammy bc yesterday was Father's Day, and because of that, i was in the building of my work at 9:45am, started working to get set up at 10, opened around 10:50, and didnt stop until about 8:50pm, 10 minutes before we closed. Our proprietary manager bought us tons of pizza and snacks in the middle of our shift so that we could all take turns having a 10 minute breather, but other than that it was non-stop work and dedication to the customer. At 9:50am my brother went to the Duncan Donuts down the road from us to get the handful of morning people either coffee or bagels or whatever they asked for. I told my brother to get me the english muffin with egg and cheese, and if they had the option, to add sausage to it. Also to tell Sammy i said hi (because she works at that Duncan also, and was there yesterday morning). My brother comes back with breakfast, hands me my food and said that Sammy made it especially for me. (At that time i was also in a bad mood bc i was tired from working four open doubles in a row, and was stressed, so that really lifted my spirits a bit. The food, and the thought that someone made it especially for me.) And i'll just say she just earned my love for the next week at least.

Anyway i think thats all for now loves. I dont have a very eventful life, but i sure do have a busy one.

#my life #avatarkorvira speaks #poor sammy thinks im quote ''really cute'' and ''f*cking adorable'' and im kinda glad she thinks im straight #like her second night training with me she asked how old i was and when i said 20 she said ''damn''#then later when i asked her age (even though i alreadu knew she was 17) she refused to tell me specifically #like shed tell anyone else (including my sister) but not me #and you see at work with certain people ill be like playfully flirty with them just as one of the many ways i show friendliness #like i do it to alex and heather and marissa and molly and several others. but theyre all adults #i know for a fact sammy is a minor. so i told her im not gonna make crude or flirty jokes with her and she doesnt like that #also i just realized that i only joke flirt with girls at work #mostly thats just because im more comfortable with the gals. that and every guy there is either annoying or nasty #and i wouldnt be able to interact with them that way without them making it really gross or thinking im actually hitting on them #and if i ever truely hitting on any of the guys at work someone smack me in the back of the head bc ew #alex #sammy

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vamytas · 7 years

Photo

18th May ‘94

Molly,

Thanks for your exhibition prints. I’ve sold a few off the counter, the deer ones are popular. Still find it funny that people opt for the cuter kind, even if the forest frolickers are dead, although when one woman came in to buy a wallet for her husband and I told her the deer was a taxidermy she didn’t seem as eager to look around much more! Shame, that. Tried to tell her half the cost went to the RSPCA but she didn’t buy it. I’ll see if Alex wants one. Have you sent some to Tommy? He’d like the mouse driving the car (that’s him, right...?)

I would say ‘same old’ here if it was true but it’s not. The bloke I work with, Rob, the one who thought it would be a grand idea to throw Alex’s surprise birthday bash, he hasn’t shown up for work in a couple days and he won’t pick up his phone. I could joke that it was Alex’s doing but at this point with the way he’s become such a recluse I wouldn’t put it past him. Maybe they eloped? Not that they have any reason to, didn’t catch on to anything like that. Not that you’d care, obviously (ha ha). I shouldn’t joke about it, though. Rob’s somewhere we don’t know...or at least I don’t know. Thank god Alex is responding even if it’s minimal. I asked him if he knew anything and he said he didn’t. At the moment it’s a mystery to us but I’m not sure if Rob’s family have managed to get in contact, or if he has any family to worry over him, there’s a lot of characters like that around here.

Don’t be a stranger, even if you have all the critics climbing all over eachother just to glance at your face. Are you really going to try and pull the Banksy thing?

Much love,

Seb

P.S. Have you installed your dial-up yet? Data’s quicker to send than paper.

21 May 1994

To: MissMolly

From: S.M.

Subj: Beep, beep ... nnNNRRHH

Happy to see you’ve joined the legion of the world wide web! I know a lot of people complain about the noise but it doesn’t sound much different to what we used to listen to. You haven’t sold your original 20 Jazz Funk Greats, have you? Not sure it would even rake in much with what we drew all over the back, unless you or Alex get put in the Tate. With the way you’re going I wouldn’t say it’s a far way off! Also need more of those prints! Running low. You’re a popular girl here :) -- that’s called a smiley.

As for the Earnshaw Update: he’s as much a hermit as your sister used to be when she started getting into The Cure. I don’t know what instigated it but he’s only been reachable by phone since his birthday, and only at night. I’ve tried dropping in but his door’s been shut tight and I don’t know where he keeps the emergency key. You should try talking to him (I can resend his address if you’ve lost it, he hasn’t got internet yet). That’s if I can’t tide him over by telling him you’ve got a gift, next time he picks up... if he does. Sorry, that sounds very doom and gloom. I really am worried about him, if only because he hasn’t been in this kind of stasis since... well.

Please get back to me as soon as you can.

Much love,

Seb

23 May 1994

To: MissMolly

From: S.M.

Subj: He’s alive!

Did you send that print to him? I came by his place tonight and he answered after the first knock! Smiling as ever. He felt colder than a Yorkshire winter, though, and pale. I told him I could help with the gas bill if he needed it but he waved me off. We went out to one of those clubs where everyone is in fishnets and knock-off McQueen, which is nothing new, but they were playing that new MTV gothic stuff, the kind he said he hated -- could be broadening his horizons. I lost him for a bit but he found his way back, he’s somehow easy to distinguish from the crowd now (for me that is, imagine it’s always been the case with you, ha ha!)

He also told me that Rob went on a spontaneous break to Rome. Rob in Rome! And that I’d be getting a “confirmation of assumin’ such responsibilties required of a leather shoppe owner, as well as the salary”. Alex and him were closer than I thought.

It’s all looking up here. What’s happening with you? Apart from the Guardian editorial, you don’t tell me much apart from work!

Much love,

Seb

27 May 1994

To: MissMolly

From: S.M.

Subj: Concerned again.

I don’t mean to ignore the other topics covered in our ditties but Al has gone Weird. I know he always has been, in that ‘cool cousin’ kind of way but now he’s just... I don’t know. He’s practically nocturnal. There’s more and more stuff popping up in his wardrobe that he used to say was a ‘fuckin’ disgrace of shite taste’ -- the chokers! There must be about ten discarded around his whole place. I’ve seen some of his paintings too and they’re dark, as in David Lynch meets Goya’s black paintings, I mean they’re good -- really good -- but it just seems excessive.

Worst of all, he keeps mentioning Ricky. Since the accident he’s been fairly healthy with talking about it but now it seems like he’s got this growing obsession with ‘what it all meant, his death’, I don’t even know what Alex meant by that.Then he’ll ask me where I think Ricky is now and honestly I don’t know, I don’t like to think about it. I just keep saying ‘somewhere warm’ because it seems like Alex needs the comfort. I don’t know if what happened to Ricky got to him more than he let on before, or if he was too preoccupied at the time with making sure I didn’t do anything drastic. Was I that needy?

I don’t know anymore. I don’t know what to suggest either. Sorry to end on such a downer of a note.

Love,

Seb

1 June 1994

To: MissMolly

From: S.M.

Subj: Dire.

I don’t know him anymore, Molly. When we don’t go out he just wants to talk about Ricky with me, like I’m a proxy for some kind of loss he’s going through. But I don’t know what loss that is -- you? It’s the only comparison I can think of. I feel like the kid stuck between two divorced parents with you two sometimes. Except he avoids talking about you all together and if I do bring you up, like how you were moving back to London, he just looks down, rubs his beard... a new habit.

(Beard, yeah. I forgot to tell you because it was a really gradual transition at the time that I didn’t notice, but he has this Jesus thing going for him. Before, I didn’t think much of it but now it’s like an inherent look he should have been born with, innate? I could never imagine him looking like it but now it’s hard to imagine him looking any different.)

Anyway, beards aside. He’s getting... creepy. When we’re not drinking he just wants to postulate on death and ‘what comes after’, he’s a right fucking misery to be around. Although I haven’t seen him drink much at all, do you think he’s on drugs or something? It’s the only conclusion I can come up with, and I don’t have anyone else to ask about this because they’re all in the same scene he is.

Please reply soon.

Seb

2 June 1994

To: MissMolly

From: S.M.

Subj: -

Okay there are some things I’ve witheld for a long time because I didn’t want to cause you any unnecessary pain. As much as I know you say you’re fine it’s never a gift to hear these things but I feel it has a lot to do with how Alex is now.

After we moved to SF he started seeing this woman who I didn’t see much of myself,, she set me on edge but I can understand how he was drawn to her because I think it was mainly a sex thing to get over you. I told yu before that he was a catastrophic mess after you left and things got better but when I say catastrophic mess I really mean it, I won’t state examples because I dont mean to make you feel guilty Molly but it’s the truth and I don’t know what to do anymore.

I didnt want to make uyo worry because i know you;re already dealing with enough already, and i didnt want this matter in particular to be especially distressing for you. But I think alex and this woman were into heavy stuff - not drugs but maybe that too. We went out while he was with this girl, in January, I think? it was to one of those fetish clubs, wasn’t my thing. But he left me there alone without telling me he was leaving, hhe left with the girl and didn’t even leave me a voicemail. I got home fine, couldn’t sleep though. But then I went over to check on him in the morning and his back was covered in gashes and blood. he didnt wake up but he was breathing. i didn’t know what to do, i pretended i never walked in and he called me soon after to apologise for the night but i wouldnt say anything about his back because i thought it was a bdsm thing but with the way hes acting now i dont know if he was being abused? I dont know the telltale signs, just that he’d follow this woman around like she had him on a leash.

There are still parts of him I recognise but there’s something about him which feels out of touch, like he’s not the same person but trying to be. I dont know how to put it, maybe I’ve been away from someone who can actually talk about these problems for too long

The thing is I havent seen him with this woman in a while, since his birthday I’d say. Despite it he seems a lot happier now than when he was with her (apart from the Ricky fixation) but he’s gone full blown Byronic Bohemian. He’s invited me out almost every day in the past week and since this was an improvement from locking himself inside, I tried to go as much as I could. Each time I’d lose him for a while because he’d gone off with a girl . He thinks he’s being discreet but I’m not much of a dancer for these places so all there’s left to do is watch. Sometimes he goes home with them and offers to pay me for a taxi, which is a step up from leaving me stranded, I’ll give him that.

I know I shouldn’t have but I looked through his art yesterday (his emergency key is in a broken light on a wall outside his door), not his stuff under the bed but in his wardrobe. There’s five entire sketchbooks of you, some of the drawings are so beautiful, he still remembers how you look exactly but in others they just seem... off? Not that they don’t look like you because they do, even if it’s a few strokes, but for someone who knows you they just look like he;s trying to put through what he is now onto you? I don’t know. that doesnt make sense.Then there are some Ricky drawings in there too but I don’t want to talk about them. he writes stuff around you and Ricky, dates and places and random lines like ‘snake chokes on its own tail’ and ‘saw him around Seb’s’. I think he’s scared of losing parts of himself and not being able to get them back.

Please talk to him Molly , you know his number and email . I know you think you’ll do him more harm than good but I don’t know what to say, if I point out how he’s acting weird he just resorts to deflective humour ‘it’s all part of being a la Americana now’. But I’m worried if I push it he’ll get angry. Sometimes I don’t feel safe with him and I don’t know why. Please reach him, I miss him, nothing’s right with Alex like this. I’m getting homesick because there’s nothing here that seems real anymore, everything feels like I’m watching it through a TV screen and it’s muted, or the music’s too loud to hear what people are really saying. I don’t want to leave Alex alone but I feel like I’m in a coma here.

Do you think I could stay with you for a while?

Love always,

Seb

#▏🌹 ▪ VANITAS.#▏▪ HEADCANON.#[IDK WHAT TO tag this as rn . .#its long .. . longest thing ive written on this blog and its not from alexs perspectiv.e..#I DONT HAVE much to comment abt it im tired. ..#just a biffle's view of alexs days after his Death . .]

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nyodrite · 7 years

Text

#Uncle Skull

nightlyreader:

I have this headcanon that Skulls year mates are the best trained graduates of his whole generation, because they needed to fight Skulls creation if his spells missfire and somehow the most regular spells don't seem to work and they needed to get creative.

They formed extra learn groups to look up obscure spells in case the Skull apocalypse happens again and how to best use the more common spells without actively using them on the target.

And they founded an unofficial running club, which started with Skulls dorm mates, (because they were the most affected before a proffesor finally forbid Skull from practicing in his dorm room) and it just branched out from there. Because somehow most of Skulls creation have flying projectiles and if you're not fast enough to dodge you're already doomed and you need stamina to run away if your spells don't work.

Most of his class mates became aurors, because come on they survived everything Skull threw at them in their seven years after this dark wizards are just babys. And if they're going to be honest they would miss the adeventures and the adrenaline rush everytime they fought on of Skulls creation from hell, so they're going to do the next best thing.

Meanwhile Mad-eye Moody is in his own personal heaven, because this are the best auror trainees he has ever seen. In contrast to most wizards this teens are actually quite fit, they know more spells then most seasoned aurors do and they already work perfectly in teams. And apparently they don't fear anything no matter what he throws at them. (Because what is a littly dark wizard to you when you fought a 30 m ceberus with laser-eyes and poison breath who was sadly deaf and therefore couldn't hear the freaking music)

While a large part of Moodys is desperatly trying to figure out what he actually can still teach these kids besides the standard protocols, another part of him really wants to hire whoever trained this kids, because them if the rest of the auror corps where this good the wouldnt have any problems with this fucking Death eaters.

Meanwhile Voldemord has a lot of trouble to get anyone from Skulls year mates to join his course, because they know how good their classmates are and what the hell are they going to do if Moody actaully gets Skull to join? ( And some of the things Skull said about Muggle doesn't seem so bad)

Nyodrite:

The 'club' has an entire R&D subdivision dedicated to finding out what works against the things Skull summons, because sometimes- a lot of times actually- it is not a quick fix and the castle is living for a while- hours, days with the record being three weeks- in fear of the thing popping up once more. On the upside, they seem rather focused on Skull who has proven to be both very durable and quite good at outrunning things trying to kill him.

("They're spell resistant," a Ravenclaw declared, "But only to spells entirely magical. Spells like the ones that shoot arrows work."

"Are you saying," a Slytherin asked, twitching. "That these monsters are better killed by muggle means?"

The Hufflepuff, who wasn't part of the 'research' per say but invited for the sole purpose of note-taking and organization and thus irritated with the others by now, deadpanned, "Yes. Muggles Do It Better.")

Those of that research division become Unspeakables (oddly enough, there is a team dedicated to finding out HOW the heck Skull makes monsters out of first year spells).

spastic goldfish:

...my god can you imagine how fantastic Skull's year mates and surrounding years would be in Eldritch-Abomination!level catastrophic events? Considering the nightmares that Skull accidentally sics on them in school, anything less than Cthulu would be met with a bland yet competent, "Eh, I've seen and dealt with worse." And thus a goodly chunk of Voldemort's scare tactics are rendered useless in the face of this level of competency and level-headed-ness.

Also, can you flesh out the creation of Oodako into a full fledged scene? Maybe from Slughorn's perspective for variety, and maybe Sirius and James are present to deliver some sort of message? And with a Recorded-Message Patronus primed and ready to be released at the breaking of the rune seal keeping it in stasis to let the castle know to go into Izzy-ocalypse!mode?

Nyodrite:

Yes, that generation (every student who was at school in the time frame of Skull's seven years) have spines of steel and will not be cowed by intimidation tactics. You want to torture information out of me, ha! Nothing you do, not even the Unforgivable, will match the time when Skull was trying to get rid of a Boggart and made it mutate.

(Said mutated Boggart is widely agreed as The Worst Incident and, unfortunately, was the one around for three weeks because not only was it a horrifying shape-shifting fear-inducing abomination it was also scary intelligent.)

And yeah, they got emergency procedures down to an art form - plus side, the staff all know exactly what to do in Harry's second year. As for Oodako...that would be telling ;)

#Uncle Skull #response

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ildivine · 5 years

Text

in any form i have been in, i never knew why i was there in the first place, for the most part. i have a natural sense that after this bodys existence, my soul will carry on, for a variety of personal and spiritual reasons.

humanity always wants a reason to keep living and i suppose i may never entirely find mine, but ive come to realize that as cliché as it sounds, the gods wont throw anything at me i cant handle.

ive abused my body enough i didnt want to register it as mine, but it very much is. lose me w disassociation culture; being focused in the moment as this being and what the world sees me as and how they experience me, is important-- and i suppose that's why i accepted some time ago im goin to b short n funny shaped n awkward n in pain all the time, no matter what. i dont think im here to make any ~big changes (done that enough tbh) n while maybe i wasnt put here to write fanfiction n struggle w addiction all my life from Unwarranted Circumstances, but all i want is to make an impact n be remembered, to b liked n favored. in the past i didnt have the chances to explore such endeavors as something catastrophic happens around me; but here i can look @ cars w my brother n cliffdive w an entire family in the desert n my personality n creativity influences ppl in the ways of fanfiction. i finally let go of my crutch that was tumblr rp til/if i can deal with it again, like a fair majority of the comm has done n its one of the best things ive done for myself. its competitive, ugly n daying & logging makes me anxious or depressed, so why bother. ive had years of fun and there still carries lots of stories n development in those blogs, but once i adjusted to quieter spaces, i DID feel better. ao3 is impersonal but i can display my projects like artwork; discord is personal n i can track me n my friends personal projects without fearing judgement or feeling inferior (tho i still struggle sometimes). ive grown to be proud of these thousands of words abt fictional characters n weird twisted plot lines cuz damn if i dont do it well! ill keep the niche n practice art n languages meanwhile.

ive contacted anubis again and its always nice to feel protected, and i realize a lot of weaker folk wouldnt have lived thru what i did, n maybe id been looked after in a way that should make me feel more confident than i do. i have to remember im forgiven n loved even in my worst moments or theyre not so worthwhile, anyway.

friends will come n go but im here to stay, i guess. my life has been a constant winding path of trying to cope, failing, shifting positions n trying again. rinse repeating isnt so bad when every relapse is jus another reminder ive gotten better before, again and again.

this body isnt so fun n ive felt pretty crooked, but so is the experience of shifting chemicals in my brain nigh constantly. ronnies not having seizures anymore but shes still talking a mile a minute, mom says; fine! let her. shes living the best life she possibly can after ive seen things that should have killed her plenty of times!

n it reminds me tht this body is small n awkward n ive made mistakes to damage it permanently, but mental wounds never stop healing i spose. i am here n i will keep in touch with the physical family that still loves this creature, even if theyve done shit stuff; they won't be around forever, either

to b ok with my situation has been hard this entire last year since i met drake in june and began the cycle. i dont remember him asking over n over for to buy, but i remember sliding my savings over a bit at a time. sly, tricky, but fool me twice etc.

ill always b naive n forgetful n clumsy n a bit slow but thts ok. theres worse n after seeing how much friends have cared for me recently, i realize i have nothing to complain about.

whether im doing drugs or drinking or not i suppose i am very much alive, even if i like the fun boxes too much; i need so much stimulation for one entity its insane, n if i could explain why i need to see 5 diff ppl in a week in order to finally wind down to write w online friends enable to finally sleep, I Sure Would! gods nerfed me or id b too powerful etc. etc

#>>.txt #whats my moral alignment? chaotic... party.#jus all the time!!

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