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jadedbirch · 4 months

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The Three Musketeers (2023) - Part 1: d'Artagnan

Directed: Martin Bourboulon

Starring: Vincent Cassel, Eva Green, François Civil

First of all, you do not know the struggle we had to go through to even get our eyeballs on this movie! Only die hard Dumas idiots like me would have even bothered 🤦🏻‍♀️. Finally, we had to buy it from AppleTV. Anywho, below is my live blog of the latest French nonsense! I make a point of tutoring myself watching as many 3 Musketeers adaptations as possible, regardless of the psychological damage, and I kind of have high hopes for this one despite the fact that I can already tell they cast more for 20 Years After than for The 3 Musketeers. But I'm willing to pretend there are no good, young actors in France (because there's no other way to explain these casting choices) for the sake of my own sanity. The rest of my babbling and movie spoilers will be below the cut!

I see we start the movie in 1627, which already makes me laugh 🤣. The book famously starts in 1625 and then they time skip a year and a half into the future because I guess Dumas remembered that the war starts in 1627. Alex was the king of inexplicable time skips and I see the movie has chosen to stick to history rather than literary canon 👌🏻.

Everything is cold, dark, and wet. I have no idea what's going on, or who this blond woman is, or why d'Artagnan is coming back from the dead. But I'm always in favor of immortal abominations 😈.

It does entertain me that Eric Ruf, who played Aramis in an earlier French adaptation, plays Richelieu in this one. Nice touch.

LOL d'Artagnan gate crashing the musketeer headquarters all "I'm not Soviet, the French do not stand in line!" Anyways, he's authentically obnoxious, which I like, although clearly also 20 years too old.

I feel like this is an AU that takes place before they invented soap and also dyes, which is hilarious because if they're going for historical accuracy, this is just what the plebs think looks "authentic". Why are these men all so dirty and old? At least they make fun of Athos being a thousand years old in the movie, but why is Jussac also so ancient? And still serving in the guards? Life expectancy back then was like 25, but surely no one would be serving in the army past the age of 50, which was like Ancient for the 1600s, even among nobility.

I must laugh at the fact that Athos straight up introduces himself to d'Artagnan as Athos de Sillegue, le comte de La Fère. So, I see we are just going to go there 🤭🤭🤭. This changes his story arc completely though, stay tuned for my whinging. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Absolutely incredible, legendary , A++, 11000/10: bisexual Porthos waking up in bed with a lady and a dude after a night of debauchery! Chef's fucking kiss! I forgive the fact that there are no young people in France.

Aramis, so far is very Murder Kitten. I do wish he'd wash his face more and do something about his guyliner (I feel like he should have just committed to MORE MAKEUP frankly because the guyliner alone is odd), but c'est la vie, I guess.

Plus one point for Athos getting wrongly arrested, minus twenty points for making Athos a Protestant WTF? And in what world would a nobleman of Athos' lineage get sentenced to death for stabbing an unknown woman? This is all so silly! (I do have to give Milady points for just like fucking with him so fantastically. Plus one revenge point to Milady.)

Aramis torturing a guy to save Athos is honestly 👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻 11/10 Murder Kitten, automatic plus one point.

This is all incredibly Dramatique, as much as it strains credulity. I love it when modern directors decide that they can write better "action" than Dumas himself. I'm just sitting here screaming "Why would you have that conversation where anyone can hear you!" Minus one point.

I must say Constance and d'Artagnan have a much more believable romance here than in the book. Plus 5 non-creeper points.

(Please I can't stop looking at how old all these Musketeers are 😅😅😅)

Okay so they've also given Athos a BROTHER. Who is part of a Protestant conspiracy. This is all so fucking crazy, I don't even know what to say. Am I watching the musketeers or La Reine Margot? 🤔

Incidentally, the King also gets a brother! Everyone gets a brother! J/K at least the King really did have a historical brother. Athos just gets fucked with in this movie a lot. Automatic minus one point for unnecessary siblings.

WHY must you all insist on having these super SECRET conversations in the middle of a public square where literally anyone can hear you? Minus one dumbass point.

And now d'Artagnan must go to England.... Alone? Because it's more heroic this way? Ambushed by ghost squirrels in the woods? Oh no, that's just Athos, lurking in the woods, as one does. "All misery comes from love." Thanks, Old Man Lush.

This revisionist tale of Milady's past is all very convenient but I FUCKING HATE IT every single time they try to do this in modern adaptations. Let Milady Be Evil 2023! But I see that you will not. Listen, it's not "feminist" to turn the villain into the victim. I'm so tired. 🤦🏻‍♀️ These misguided attempts at feminism really do not do her any favors, she has a lot more agency as simply the Really Bad Girl who just wanted money and power. Minus 5 points for not letting Milady have any fun and minus another 10 points for giving her an abusive ex-husband!

As for Athos, IMO it's always much more compelling to let him be the guy who tried to kill his beloved wife for betraying him, than to make him the spineless man who turns her over to the authorities for Handwavium. Yes, it's pretty fucked up. But it's much more humanizing and makes him a darker, more interesting character. And I will always maintain that.

(This movie is so fucking dark, all the scenes take place at night or in some cthonic tunnels or prisons ffs have mercy on my eyes!)

Oh dear, here we go again. Milady taking a Dramatique - and completely unnecessary - dive off a cliff. Only this time, we know she doesn't die because.... She can swim? And definitely will not have all her bones broken by that 1000 ft fall. Minus 20 points for lazy writing.

(My God, everyone is so dirty, you would think they never did their laundry in France 🤦🏻‍♀️)

Ironically, the only well lit scene takes place in what looks like the Notre Dame which is just very silly as that place is a sepulcher.

(Once again, we are advancing the plot by having super secret conversations conducted in the middle of the palace with an open door where anyone can see and hear you plotting 🤦🏻‍♀️ Minus one petty point.)

Okay, so poor Constance has been kidnapped, and our young hero (who is already a Lieutenant because he and his pals conveniently saved the King's life in a plot twist that was very necessary in other to return Athos to favor in this version) lies unconscious in the streets. They probably didn't even try to kill him this time because they know he's immortal. And speaking of people who just won't die, in a mid-credits scene, it is confirmed that Milady is indeed, very much Not Dead Yet. Surprise! The scene is now set for war in The Three Musketeers: Part 2: Milady.

In summary:

I tallied up my totally random points and ended up with a score of -51, which is Not Good, my friends.

Okay, so I've seen much worse? It's better than Atrocity in 3D, for example, which was just barely watchable as a film and as an adaptation. But they changed so much about the plot and some of the main characters, that it doesn't really feel true to the spirit of the book at this point, which is my main criteria for measuring whether an adaptation is successful. And the main reasons for that are because it's much darker and grittier and less fun than the novel. Which - Quelle domage!

I know that as an unrepentant Athos fangirl, I tend to be biased, so I was trying to be on guard (heheh get it?) for my own biases while watching this. But it's really difficult when Ya Boy is such an integral part of the novel as well as this particular adaptation. And so I must regrettably come back to what a shame it is that they've cast a 60 year old Athos (Vincent Cassel is 57 and he's a fabulous actor whom I've loved in many of his worlks), and I feel like they had to rewrite his character to be more age appropriate and less of the drunken asshole he is in Dumas' first d'Artagnan book. But that's the asshole I fell in love with, and will stan forever. Without him going around beating his servant, indulging his gambling addiction, and being a sarcastic pain in everyone's ass, it's just a completely different story.

Pros:

Hot Eva Green!

bisexual Porthos!

d'Artagnan is given a much less creepy love story with Constance (and I assume he will also not be nonconning Milady in this adaptation)

The King and Queen are much more humanized and sympathetic here.

Cons:

Visually really drab, everything is brown, everyone is dirty.

Very little humor unlike in the novel and some other adaptations.

EVERYONE IS WAY TOO OLD, which changes the feeling of the story significantly, and IMO for the worse, because these people are just not allowed to have fun, and subsequently, neither is the audience.

I will still absolutely be here for Part 2 because I am a masochist!

Grade: B- as a piece of art, but a C as an adaptation of the Dumas classic.

#the three musketeers #2023 the three musketeers #alexandre dumas #the three musketeers: d'artagnan

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onesafezone · 4 months

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a study in portamis (2023 martin bourboulon's ver)

it took me two days and one night to get my own version of terrible clickbait what actually happened in the 'milady' about the whole promising portamis thing (whatever it was).

this post contains film spoilers! no, i'm serious, SPOILER ALERT. (i know the film hasn't been released in all countries yet, so if you haven't seen 'milady', please decide whether you want to read this or not).

my post is dedicated to all the people who have seen 'the three musketeers: milady' or found out about what was going to happen in the film and were heartbroken (for obvious reasons), so I couldn't sleep until the morning, but I did find out why /spoiler, spoiler, SPOILER/ porthos decided to marry aramis's pregnant sister.

yes, i know. it will take me a moment to experience that as well.

OK, here's what we've got. the simplest explanation is this: porthos is flirting with aramis' sister in the camp because he is bored/he wants sex/he wants to flirt/etc. yes, this characterisation portrays him as a frivolous character, but what if this is a fallacy? what if there is still love for aramis in his actions and i can prove it?

___________________________________________________________

i started by formulating the three main reasons why i can't agree with the 'i don't care who i seduce' version of porthos.

first of all: the events of the film unfold very quickly. in the first part, it was made clear to us that porthos has no shortage of lovers. we saw his bed once, and it was warmed for him by both man and woman. he also said that he doesn't sleep with fools, which is not to be taken literally. in any case, this gives us the idea that he has his own standards, that he will not sleep with the first person he meets to quench his thirst. yes, he examined d'artagnan from head to toe, but did he drag him into bed? in general, he knows how to stop and he will be able to restrain himself if the situation demands it.

second reason: you can throw a stone at me, but I swear that his lover in the awakening scene looks a lot like aramis. no, it's not because this man has a beard or curly hair like aramis. there's something in his jaw, his features are built like the aramis-coded type of man. you know what i mean. porthos' lover is literally not d'artagnan-coded, not athos-coded. his lover has a certain type of body/face build. and that type is the same as his best friend's. this is no coincidence.

so, having worked out why i just couldn't accept the fact that porthos suddenly fell in love with a girl (aramis' sister, i'm not going to hinting at anything… because i'm saving the last reason for the finale), i asked myself: why did he decide to get involved? what drove him?

here is my answer:

when aramis received a note from his mother telling him that his sister was pregnant, he immediately changed his face and went to see her. at the same time, porthos immediately noticed the change in his friend's face and tried to call aramis, but aramis did not answer. what did porthos do? without further ado, he immediately went after aramis.

micro-conclusion: he cares about aramis' feelings, he cares about him and he wants to help him.

OK, let's move on. we know how the episode of portamis meeting matilda's fiancé ended: zero result. literally. apart from the fact that the bastard was hit by a cannonball, the meeting had no result. again, what was porthos doing at the time? he asked aramis what he was going to do. he predicted that aramis would challenge an arrogant and dishonest groom to a duel. spoiler alert: he was right. where are his 1000 ecu?? ok, i'm kidding. but here are the facts: he looks after aramis again, tries to cheer him up. and from their conversations it's clear how well he knows aramis.

let's keep going. we're almost there!

porthos has been excluded from scenes involving athos or d'artagnan (let's ignore the scenario that made this happen). at first glance, it would seem that he was not involved in his friends' affairs for no reason. but no, he was wounded (there was a scene in the camp where he was leaning on a crutch) and drunk. in fact, we got a scene where aramis holds a dead drunk porthos, who relieves himself, by the cape, without feeling disgust. what do i mean by that? while aramis, athos and d'artagnan were chasing after milady, porthos, who had remained in the military camp, had time to think carefully about everything. in both sober and drunk mind.

yes, porthos is not as tricky as aramis. and not as cold-blooded as athos. he sees the problem: aramis is very upset that someone has dishonoured his sister. had it not been for an accidental death, the would-be bridegroom would have lived and not taken matilda as his wife, for to him she was obviously a one-time entertainment. aramis is upset, he is sad, and how can porthos help? (yes, he comforted matilda by giving her a made-up explanation, as if her fiancé had been a hero and had saved aramis and porthos from a cannonball, but that was not enough, it only solved the problem temporarily). how to end all this? what can he do? matilda is pregnant, she is not rich, no one loves her, he tells himself that he can do this, he can offer her his hand and his heart, and he will save her (and aramis). it will make his best friend happy again. this is the right thing to do. they will be more than brothers. isn't that the best scenario? aramis will be happy and they will become a family.

attention, now it's time to announce the third fact that doesn't allow me to bury my portamis hopes: when porthos talks to aramis about this decision, aramis doesn't look happy at all.

moreover, his face was masked in confusion.

the scene also ends with them unable to talk about it. porthos is taken away by aramis's sister, his future wife, and all goes well. aramis should be happy. but why isn't he? and porthos, too.

something tells me that this is because his subconscious chooses lovers for him who are similar to aramis, because he tries to make aramis happy, because he cares for him, because he wants the best for him, because he loves him.

i think at that moment, when the words of the forthcoming wedding are heard and there is a sad atmosphere between them, like at a funeral, they both think that maybe all this time their feelings for each other were something more.

#les trois mousquetaires #les trois mousquetaires 2023 #the three musketeers #the three musketeers: d'artagnan #the three musketeers: milady #portamis #porthos #aramis #kinda fix-it post #the three musketeers 2023 #my thoughts

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