I wish everyone knew that hating your family is completely fine, and expecting everyone to have a story of very obvious abuse from said family members in order to have justified hatred towards them is just blaming victims. Plenty of people have no idea that they’ve been abused by family until years or decades after the fact, and all you’re doing when you act like family should be assumed innocent until proven abusive is leaving those people in the dust.

If I didn’t allow myself to feel what I felt about family members it would have taken me much longer to stop hating myself, because it took 15ish years to put together that I was abused at all. And even if you weren’t abused and your parents are just mean and rude to everyone else, you’re still allowed to hate them! They sound like shitty people, I’d hate them too!

I’m saying it again: you are not required to love your family, including your parents. You likely have a good reason to feel the way that you do about them

CPTSD sucks.

How is a member of a minority who suffers from childhood CPTSD, supposed to heal in a society that had an active hand in that chronic trauma? How is anyone able to heal when the verbal and emotional abuse from society continues and the government perpetuates it? Growing up I was told I was a pervert, a degenerate, how shameful I was, how selfish I was for needing to be myself, how my needs were imaginary, that I not only didn't have a right to medical care but that I didn't deserve it, that my parents and society hated me so much they wanted me dead, that I was a monster. Guess what? None of that messaging has changed! My bio mother still blames me for everything she did to me as a child and disowning me, and as far as I can tell, still wants me dead based on the last IM she sent me a few years ago. My sister thinks I'm a manipulative pervert as far as I know as she doesn't speak to me either (gods that hurts more than my mother wanting me dead for some reason) not since my father died and then only to tell me he died and has never introduced me to my niece and nephew, people continue to actively verbally and physically assault trans people, and the government is still trying to kill us in 20+ states thanks to right wing terrorism. How am I supposed to heal in this environment? Is it even possible? I am so tired of fighting for my right to simply exist and live. Just about every trans person I know has their primary goal as: to just survive, and just maybe, just maybe be happy all the while thinking happiness is just a pipe dream. But how is that possible in a society that actively wants you dead? How is it possible when abusing/killing LGBT+ kids is considered normal, fine, and deserved? CPS didn't help me growing up, hell no one ever called them because I deserved the treatment I got. Not even my psychologist who knew what was going on. Because no one thought it was abuse. Telling a child they are shameful, a monster, a sinner, a pervert, that you want them dead, neglecting their medical needs, all of that isn't considered abuse by our society if that child is LGBT+. Over 40% of homeless youth population (something that shouldn't even exist in the supposed richest country in the world, but I'll get into that sometime later) identify as LGBT, when LGBT people make up less than 10% of the general population. 1 out of every 2 trans kids who have unsupportive (i.e. abusive parents) considers suicide. One out of every Two! And that is a complete undercount given the survivor bias of that statistic. And none of it is getting better. It's getting worse. And the suckiest part?! it's the same play book the terrorist always use, whether it's about interracial marriage, LGB rights, or any other minority. Every bigoted statement the terrorists make about those of us in the trans community, are the same ones they made about LGB people, are the same ones they made about interracial marriage. Every single one. But for some bizarre reason people repeatedly buy into it. It's disgusting at best, terrifying at worst. And I'm tired of it, tired of trying to fight against it. Tired of trying to get people to see basic reason, to have basic compassion, empathy, and decency for eachother. Incidentally some of you might take exception to my calling the Far Right wing/Republican party terrorists. But let's look at the definition shall we: Someone who uses violence and intimidation against civilians, usually unlawfully, for political gain/motivation. And these people are terrorizing my community. They have called in bomb threats to schools and hospitals that work to help us survive, and end up traumatizing not only us, but everyone else in those facilities, adults and children alike. They make us scared to leave our homes and go to work. They make us feel like we need our passports and an escape bag, just in case we need to flee the country, and they kill us every single day. So yes. They are terrorists.

I read a quote today that vibes with me so well. There's no hate quite like Christian "love" -- J. Scope. It is the utmost irony that a religion that says it's all about love, espouses the most hate/intolerance in this country for people not like themselves. It is mind boggling to me. The people who are supposed to be the least judgemental, that are supposed to love thy neighbor, and treat others unto how you want to be treated are the ones that are none of those things. And there are a bunch of christians that say "not all christians" which is the same as "not all men". it doesn't matter, the loud ones, the ones everyone hears and sees are the ones espousing hate. All those other supposedly accepting religions were silent when I was growing up, and aren't all that loud now. And to anyone who has experienced hate from others: Silence = condoning that hate, it means you support it, because you allow it to flourish rather than stamping/drowning it out.

At the end of the day, after day, after day, I still don't know how to heal from this trauma when it continues to this day in the society that I live in. Is it any wonder that I continue to wish I was no longer here? That I'm tired of existing and just want to not be? That I don't want to exist anymore? And why is that considered abnormal? I mean it hurts like nothing I've experienced, but aside from that, why? I think it's a pretty reasonable feeling given everything I've been through. I won't act on it, because I know how much it will hurt my best friend in the world and her kids whom I think of as my own. I couldn't do that to them. But it doesn't make this feeling go away. Not when society wants me and my community all dead.

Stop being the "bigger person".

When someone tells me my son, a trans teen about to undergo transition, is an abomination and I'm a bad mother for supporting him, in a state where they just banned hormone therapy for people underage and so he is waiting six months, know what I say?

"I hope you die. Not that you kill yourself, or that it is violent, though I don't care if those things happen. Just that you die and make way for better people who make a better world for my child and others like him."

You know what I say when people tell me my lesbian teen daughter shouldn't be supported because she is "too young to know" and they would do xyz if their kid came out?

"I hope you lose access to your kids and the ability to have kids. I hope they leave you and never speak to you, or that you struggle to have a child and are unable to the rest of your life and I hope either eventuality is horribly painful for you and anyone who is stupid or hateful enough to love you."

So I care that this makes me "as bad" in someone's eyes? Fuck no. I love my kids and their only crime is being themselves, existing and being honest about who they are. And these people are cruel for not reason other than my kids are who they are. My kids who are kind and loving and empathetic and who would honestly be kind and forgiving to these same people who would spit in their face.

Guess what? I'll spit back for them. They can die. They can do it by their own hand. They can get hit by a bus. They can have a sudden heart attack. They can suffer a prolonged disease. I don't care, I don't get any pleasure from it, but I do get pleasure knowing they are gone and my kids have one less person to be in their way of a normal life.

As for the others who don't deserve their kids? I guess they can die, too, but I think they work better as an example to other parents who would reject their LGBTQ+ kids, or to those kids who can see they don't have to stop being who they are.

If you want to be peaceful and forgive and live and let live, good for you. But I am a mother and I am pissed and I will never be that way. If you are a bigot, fucking die. Nothing you can say will stop me thinking or saying that. Nothing else will come out of my mouth to you. Just die.

So in school this one year I had this one bitch in my class whom we will call Regina George for hopefully obvious reasons. And she was just. A massive bigot. Constantly bullying the neurodivergent kids, being an asshole to gay ppl, openly hating sushi. She was just,,, the worst. And I had made it my personal mission to destroy her (not like that you sickos). I drew a shitty copy of her face and stuck it to a pillow whenever I needed to punch something and you may think I'm lying about that much like a politician may say he wants equal opportunity for all, or a person on the internet claims I'm "really not that attractive so I should stop worshipping myself" which doesn't even make sense because like hello can you see me rn and also all my trauma and mental illnesses are stored in my dump truck ass which is why it's so big and you probably think I'm deflecting my deep rooted insecurities by making jokes about how hot I am which is not true and- point is I really hated this Regina bitch. So deep was my burning desire to set her hair on fire that I hatched a plan. Regina obviously wants more bigots and Trump supporters in positions of power, right? What better way to anger her than have me, an openly queer and pagan punk that's read the communist manifesto 3 times, get onto the school council leadership team? Pretty smart, right? Wrong. I had no leadership experience whatsoever and in hindsight I probably should've been focused on getting onto the team to help people rather than have my one motivation be a giant middle finger to some rich cishet girl who's dad is probably gone. Ok that was dark but you get what I'm saying, I hated this bitch. But anyway, I gave my big speech about leadership and equality and if I got onto the team I'd give the school bathrooms actually good toilet paper that doesn't feel like I'm having intercourse with a cactus covered in sandpaper. And it worked. My unhinged demonic definitely-possessed-by-a-crack-addict, stop-trying-to-drink-the-box-of-juice-you-found-in-a-bin-wtf-is-wrong-with-you self got onto a team full of white brunette children with rich parents. Excellent. Now all I needed to do was convert a herd of pubescent children into spitting on Regina's shoes and throwing gas cans back at the police. Shouldn't be hard, right? Wrong again. Apparently no one is willing to listen to a short feminine presenting dork with anger issues. Weird. My plan to make Regina's life miserable was failing. And there was only one thing left to do. You know those thoughts you get, where the side of your brain that practices kindness and forgiveness tells you not to do it but the other side that eats crayons and memories WAP is telling you to do it for no other reason than it'd be fucking hilarious if you were a character in a tv show (which I'm starting to feel like with U guys. I'm not mad tho, I feel like a small mammal in an enclosure as a group of four year olds watches me take a shit as they start giggling hysterically). So I stared deep into the mirror of agony and asked God where my moral stance lies if not elsewhere than replaceable specks of dust on a dirt road. And god, with her many mouths and her many tragedies, says nothing. So anyway I bought a roll of stickers of the lgbt pride flag online and stuck them on all of Regina's belongings without her knowing. Yes it was funny as shit no I don't regret being an asshole. The immense amount of joy it brought me to see this girl become enraged and try to frantically tear off a sticker of a rainbow off her school bag. Which really proves that you can do all the goodness your heart demands of you but at the end of the day death and life do not care what you have done and so why not make yourself immortal. Anyways this has been fun bestie love U also who do you speculate I am I'm curious 💖💖💖

oh my gods i don’t know if i should be proud or terrified, i’m most likely feeling both. but honestly she had it coming

"what will kids think about you being gay/having tattoos/wearing revealing clothing/etc. etc."

you chose a horrible day to ask such a stupid question.

first of all, fuck you. you don't care about the kids, you care that your personal views/morals are being passed down to a generation where they're so out of date it's causing so many problems that shouldn't exist. in no world should people hate each other for things they can't control (race, sexuality, weight, etc.) and have their bullshit reinforced by millions of people and/or the government. thank you, next.

those kids aren't gonna care the way you're claiming they will unless they were raised to do so. it's not the kids' fault they're being raised by bigots who grew up in the 1960s and have yet to realize that a lot can fuckin' happen in 60 or so years and they shouldn't be raising their kid to automatically judge and hate people for things that make them happy.

kids don't sexualize revealing clothing. the only thing they'll question is why you're wearing it without a jacket in 50*F weather. there's literally nothing else to it.

kids aren't going to think jack shit about tattoos other than the fact that they're fascinating to their little kid brains because wow you can get pictures on your arm!! they can mean anything you want them to!! isn't that so neat?! they can even have colour!!! if you're going to teach your child that their body is a temple, teach them that they can decorate it in whichever ways are most authentic for them. if your god frowns upon harmless self-representation, i don't understand why you're worshipping that god.

the only reason kids might question the LGBT community is that there is such a minimal amount of representation for it (especially geared towards children) that they probably never realized that that's a fuckin' option!! don't teach your kid to be ashamed of the way that they themselves or others love and identify, because it doesn't hurt you a single fuckin' bit. let the kids be happy and be them, don't raise them to be little versions of you. nobody wants more Karens. your kids aren't supposed to suffer the same way you did, you're supposed to ensure that they live better. if you disagree with that, you're the type of person who shouldn't have kids.

in short, just don't teach your kids to hate. we typically call those kids "bullies" and "assholes", and we sure as hell aren't about to thank the parents for their negative influence. regardless of your religion, what it was like wHeN yOu WeRe GrOwInG uP, or something as arguably minuscule as your political preferences, there's no excuse for raising the kids who would eventually lead their classmates to have self-esteem issues, mental illnesses, and maybe even consider suicide.

your free rights should not impose on other people's rights, so your little freedom of speech and religion excuses can stop before this generation collapses in on itself and causes something stupid like the next world war.

I hate to say this, but I no longer feel at home or safe using Tumblr.

Within the past 3 years, it's caused me a lot of anxiety and caught the unwanted attention of bigots, even to the point that I constantly had asks flood my inbox and my personal posts reblogged and mocked.

In 2018, I was targeted by T_RFs, in 2019 I was dogpiled by wh_te supremacists, and in 2020 I was stalked, harassed, sent death threats/suicide baits, and nearly doxxed by a transphobic anon who couldn't take accountability for a simple mistake, to the point that they had to target my main Twitter account.

All these events have made me more anxious and apprehensive when it comes to socializing with others on this website and the lonliness is overbearing.

I've been on this website for 10 years (this blog for almost 7) and I've learned so much about myself and other people through this platform. I've made long-term friends and acquaintances. It's safe to say this has been my home and safe space when it comes to sharing content and being out and accepting about my own identity as a nonbinary bisexual on the spectrum, but in recent years...I feel like I can't even vent about small things on here without anons coming into my Inbox and tell me that I complain too much on my own blog.

I don't want to be on Twitter all the time because of its notorious userbase. Facebook isn't exactly the best place for it and I've also had some negative experiences there last year, what with some self-absorbed member of our pagan group insulting me when I told them I was trapped in a family that doesn't always seem to understand me, and an artist around my age who was exposed for defending child abuse materials and harassing minors.

I feel sad coming to think of having to leave this website since it helped me form my own thoughts and grow into my own person instead of having to rely on my own parents and their weekly Sunday church visits all the time.

Even though I started off ignorant and naive when I joined, I laughed at the nonsensical humor posts, I listened to personal anecdotes, I learned more about the world around me and beyond, all without having to leave my country.

I soon learned that the relationship I got into when I was 18 wasn't exactly how I pictured it, and I never had the chance to explore my identity fully until I was 21 and I had to break up with my ex for being stubborn and lacking compassion for marginalized sectors at the time, as well as being transphobic when I came out nonbinary.

I've learned that a lot of the tics and habits I had is commonly found in others on the autism spectrum and it gave me a new understanding of why I act and think the way I do.

I know I haven't exactly been the kindest last year, and I haven't been as open as I hoped. My poor mental and emotional health impaired my judgment and critical thinking, costing me a long-term friendship and the trust of some others. However, I did repay the people who commissioned me when I said I couldn't be able to do them due to my mental health. That is a reason, but not an excuse for how I acted. know I've done something wrong and I would like to apologize. I know it may seem like I haven't changed much, but it's hard to be open and honest when your words and actions can be twisted online and that ill-willed folks might be watching my every move.

What's next for me?

Well...I'm not sure.

I'm currently thinking that I might take an indefinite break from this website, even if it breaks my heart. Or start anew on a new blog and live quietly, even if it means giving my comfort space.

If you reached the end of this post, thank you for taking the time to read it. I know I don't seem like it, but I appreciate the mutuals and followers I have, even if I don't know you very well. You make my life less lonesome and I hope you have wonderful days ahead of you.

And I'm sorry if I've ever been petty or unbearable at times. Even if it was about little things like preferences, maybe I shouldn't have been too much of an ass and actually just said what I meant. I'm still learning how to accept my shortcomings and bad mental health days without having to resort to memes. Wisecracking can only get you so far and some things are not worth poking fun at, especially if they're treading on more sensitive issues.

P.S. I don't think I will be turning on anons for a long time. If you want to say something to me, whether good or bad, please be open and honest with me. I appreciate it.

I wish people would understand that their attempts at being ‘woke' are usually useless at best or hurtful, often to minorities at worst. I honestly think that most people on here who preach about politics and wanting to prove how awful some people are don't care at all about helping people.

I have 4 main points/ examples to make about this. i'm sorry I couldn't put a read more break, I can only use Tumblr mobile.

1. Children dying is never something to want or celebrate

Sometimes people enjoy celebrating the deaths of bad people e.g. terrible politicians and billionaires. That in itself is not a bad thing, those who knowingly exploit others are often better off dead. This does not make it okay to wish death on anyone who is even remotely connected to bad people. A recent popular tumblr post saw a user celebrating the deaths of billionaires except that wasn't all they were doing. One of the events they celebrated was posted with this screenshot:

Yes. A person was knowingly celebrating the real deaths of two children along with other people on the flight e.g the pilots just because 1 (one) person on board was a billionaire. That is fucked up and you should agree. Similarly i've seen people explicitly saying they think the children of the British Royal family should be beheaded because of the family they were born into. Yes the British Royals have a host of issues too and i'm not a fan of them but that's never a reason to wish for toddlers to be literally brutally murdered, you sick fucks! Don't hate people for the family they were born into. I wouldn't hate a gay friend after I found out their father is homophobic. A child is never responsible or should be made to suffer for a parent's shitty actions.

2. Stop pretending bad things don't happen to fit a narrative.

Look. Minorites/ women aren't always perfect and good people, claiming they are both erases the experiances of victims of abuse and puts more people at risk by entertaining the idea of no danger.

Calling abuse 'straight culture' is bad because not only is abuse not a problem exclusive straight couples but lgbt couples are more likely to face abuse. I'm not straight and I don't give a shit about hurting straight people's feelings but acting like lgbt folks can't be abusive and don't face abuse in their relationships is partly why abuse is more common for us. If we don't know to look out for abuse, we may not know how to avoid it. Abuse in lgbt relationships is a genuine problem that shouldn't be ignored for jokes. People being abused shouldn't be joked about at all.

The same applies to thinking you're woke by treating all women as good and pure and all men evil and bad. Not all abusers are men and not all victims are women. In the UK more than 40% of domestic violence victims are men. But even the govenrment ignores this to some extent and treat male victims as lesser. There are 7,500 refuge places for women in England and Wales but only 60 for men and men are arrested and prosecuted at a disproportionately higher rate.

3. Don't focus on hating people who hurt others when you could be helping those who have been hurt.

There is way too much focus on calling out and hating people who do bad things e.g. are lgbt-phobic, racist or abusive compared to helping those who were hurt by that person/ group. Don't get me wrong, those who are bigoted deserve to be told they are wrong and should be punished and you can both call out people while helping those hurt... but most don't. If your only way of 'helping' trans people is calling out J.K Rowling, you're not helping. If your only way of 'helping' black people in response to police brutality is posting 'fuck the police' to tumblr then although your message is not wrong, you're not helping. If you hear that an individual or group has been hurt, your first thought always should be 'how can I help them?' Your response to hearing how black people are treated should have more focus on supporting black owned businesses, getting help for victims, listening to black people, supporting black creators, if you can donate to those who need it, support black politicians/ those who want to make a change e.c.t. That all does way more to help than just hating people, even though they deserve it.

4. You don't ever get a free pass to be racist, lgbt-phobic or a general asshole because someone did (or might do) something bad.

Never, ever insult someone's natural appearance, physical or mental disabilites, sexuality, gender/ gender identity, religion or weight because you don't like them. If a gay person said something racist, call them out for it but that is not an opportunity to call them a homophobic slur or attack their sexuality. Their sexuality is irrelevant to the argument and being homophobic in response simply makes you homophobic and no less homophobic than if it was directed at someone for no reason. I don't care if an overweight, unattractive person did something bad, don't insult their weight. All that does is show everyone else who is overweight that their weight is something bad enough to deserve shaming for. In the end acting like this hurts more people than it helps. I remember a post going round which involved a picture of two fat people and the OP decided to take the photo and post it with insulting comments because apparently they 'looked like Trump supporters'. No evidence, no reason, just judging based off their weight and looks. That's not woke, that's awful.

~

Anyways there are a host of other problems with internet 'wokeness'. These are just four points I don't see much concern about. All four are caused by people who use a being woke as an excuse to be horrible to others. They don't care about the cause they're supposed to be fighting for, they either simply enjoy being horrible and want a way of getting away with it or want to look good without much effort.

In general people need to put more effort into supporting and helping people than putting others down.