You say " Cringe."

I say " Earnest appreciation is the only true rebellion against the tyranny of time."

Linds… ugggggggh. Just ugh. I’m about thisclose to losing my shit. I agree with you on the Cabo pix and it’s absolutely disturbing to see him AGAIN hiding under a towel.

I’m distressed that he is not more distanced from this group and my patience is running thin. I wish I could completely shut out Austin’s non-work related images and info. But honestly there’s no way.

I have some musings about the situationship status — that (full disclosure) have no basis in knowledge or reality. It’s just the crap rolling around in my head. Anyway…

We have discussed the complex elements he was navigating in his personal and professional life as this arrangement was orchestrated. I wonder if he has conflated his own increased level of fame/attention due to his work with the amount of exposure he has by being associated with them. I mean maybe he doesn’t see it as a “Gerber” problem but mistakenly thinks it’s mostly due to his own fame. Like they would be able to live a more private life if not for HIM.

I find it hard to believe a man in his 30s who grew up in Hollywood would be that naive. But maybe his good heartedness has blinded him a bit to their ways.

AND/OR

He’s 100% not interested in a life partnership at this time and this will do for now so why bother breaking up with K and drawing down all the associated drama when he clearly invests minimal emotional capital in her anyway. It’s a great idea except for the downside that she/this tarnishes his image. But he is likely unaware of that part. And maybe no one whose opinion matters to him actually cares.

I don’t know.

This is what my brain resorts to because I fucking can’t stand STILL seeing him associated with her. It’s like pairing filet mignon with funyuns.

What is wrong with me??? Why why whyyyyyyy do I waste my time/energy on this????

Thanks for being there bestie! Thank god I’m not alone.

haha MJ I adore you so much, and i love your analogy of filet mignon and funyuns.

but i first wanna say that the reason why you or us can't stop thinking about this no matter how hard we want to just support austin's work and not want to be forced to see the cringe shit about his situationship is because we clearly see it for what it is. if he was with the woman of his dreams that he loved, we would support him and we would invest a lot less time musing over it because well...there would be no issues with said relationship to be concerned about. as women, we have the deeply intuitive knowing that SOMETHING IS WRONG and the problem is not being corrected. it's being left to corrode. plus, we care about him and so we worry. just like any person in our lives that we love, we worry and our brains can't help but get drawn to it and hope that they're okay. same applies here. so, you're not crazy for thinking about this or putting energy into it. we would not be here if he was in a truly loving relationship that was fucking obvious to the entire world. we would applaud him and wish him the best and have peace of mind. this situationship disturbs the peace because it is not right.

but secondly, i think the latter of your theories is where my money goes, if i was a gambling woman lol. she is a "here for the moment" chick, not "wife material". minimal investment, not wanting to deal with the litany of press and media about a huge breakup announcement. he's probably still traumatized from how the media has taken and spun the vanessa breakup so i don't blame him for being a little scared. but what we know is that kaia is not his forever. men that are serious about their intentions on a woman will waste no time, and will not only show their genuine interests for a woman but they will make plans and they will settle down faster. it happens all the time. my parents got engaged after 6 damn months and they're still together after decades of marriage. he clearly is not ready at this time for marriage and she is too young for that serious commitment. so, low investment and probably biding his time waiting for the right time and the right woman for him to drop this gerber baby.

he's a smart man, he would not propose to a 22 year old girl like this is 1942. he just got out of a 10 year relationship not long ago. men don't jump ship like that so soon. it's gonna take him time to be ready for that serious commitment. and men take a lot longer to be truly ready for marriage before women are anyway. he is focusing on his career before settling down, clearly, as he has stated a lot that he is career focused.

but i'll end this by just reinstating that the cabo pics from last christmas and after the award season this year were vastly different in tone compared to this christmas. he was out and about the last two times, yes he had a towel on his head once, but generally he was seen pictured outside. this time he was seemingly hiding away in the resort, left by himself and not wanting to be seen by the paps with her or her family. alarm bells ring off. if this man has to practically quarantine away on what is supposed to be a vacation then it seems like he's at the end of this rope. also, what man that had a 2 year anniversary with their girlfriend act like that? a man that doesn't give a damn about her. he never did this with vanessa, not even once. he was proud to be around her, and if the paps came around when he didn't want them around then he protected her first from the cameras, using himself as a shield. but the towel over his head in cabo is different. how much more he is willing to take before enough is enough is up to him, but this felt like a desperate attempt to be by himself. and if kaia was the one, she would never put her man in that position out on the beach to be readily papped when she knows he doesn't like it.

and no bestie you're not alone <3

TTOU Big Finish Snippet: Workplace Security

GREETINGS AND SALUTATIONS, THE THICK OF UNIT FANS

A lot’s been going on since I last updated this series. For posterity’s context, I posted chapter fifty-seven almost twenty-one(!) months ago. Since then (while not suffering a relapse in manga brainrot) I’ve been trying to light a fire under the ass of my beta reader to actually get caught up to date so I can start throwing things around. We’re a little over halfway right now. PLUS, there is a certain individual, @fajrbismuth who has been writing me fic, and since I need to get back to writing this anyhow, I feel like gifting some fic is a great way to do it.

1878 words; another audio-only script fic like Inspections and Prototypes was, because I don’t write enough scripts; let us all pretend I would ever know what the inside of the Mecca Wishaw looks like, which will likely never happen even if I lived in Wishaw (oh and there is a bit about how shit of a name it is so yeah); oops sorry new OC just dropped; takes place in some nebulous time in 2016, around chapter 51/52; just kinda ends like the other one does, which is why it’s a snippet lol

-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Footsteps in an office building—it’s the general ringing of phones and shuffling of papers and indistinct chatter that only middle-management and pencil-pushers can accurately replicate. A door opens up and SAM chuckles.

SAM: Now what do we have here?

JAMIE: Don’t you say it, Sammy—don’t you fucking say it.

SAM: It’s good to see you haven’t changed.

JAMIE: You wound me… and after I got you in here, gave your lad an opportunity to grow up in a fucking sane environment?

SAM: There are worse places than Aylsham.

JAMIE: You had the commute of a bloody American.

SAM: My uncle’s had worse.

JAMIE: My point proven.

A knock on the door.

JAMIE: Fuck in or fuck off!

The door opens.

JAMIE: Oh, Bismuth, great timing! Nothing in this bloody place is fucking set up right.

BISMUTH: That is… sort of why I’m here. At least you know what Wi-Fi is.

JAMIE: You sound troubled, pet. Who do I need to have a fucking shout at?

A beat.

BISMUTH: I’m… not a… pet…? What…?

SAM sighs, exasperated.

SAM: You don’t have someone like Jamie in your department, do you?

BISMUTH: I’ve been told it’s a blessing.

JAMIE: Ha! I’m sure Malc’s been talking me up like I’m the Third Coming, with him as the Second.

BISMUTH: Actually, no. We are here to secure your new offices, as well as your homes. You are going to be allotted two members of Security and one member of IT. Until we can get your permanent setup, some of us from the Mainframe shall be here to configure everything.

JAMIE: Huh. Sounds like a lot of fucking trouble to go through. Can’t the shits you hire for this joint set it all up?

BISMUTH: You require what I understand to be a “litany” of upgrades that need to be done, and none of them should be done by new hires. It’s no different than needing to inspect Kernow when they integrate new technology.

JAMIE: …and yeh can’t just, I dunno, delegate? Just inspect the job later?

BISMUTH: Protocol is protocol and this is what happens when we set up a new office branch, due to expansion or renovation.

A mobile pings. Keys on the screen are tapped.

SAM: That’s not a good look.

BISMUTH: What’s not a good look?

JAMIE: Your face, pet. Human expressions give away a lot, you know.

BISMUTH sighs.

BISMUTH: What is a Mecca Bingo?

JAMIE: M’neighbor’s only real reason for not offing herself once her husband kicked it. They don’t open for three more hours… though I don’t think you’re gonna get a game in with fancy lads until later in the evening…

BISMUTH: We still have to go there. Now.

JAMIE: And why’s that?

BISMUTH: This is why.

There is a pause, during which both JAMIE and SAM audibly cringe.

JAMIE: Thought I told Malc I had enough of playing Scotsomer Shitesteries for the rest of the decade.

BISMUTH: We don’t get to decide that. Now are you the one in charge here or are you going to let what I’ve heard described as a “circus” occur?

JAMIE groans.

JAMIE (grumbling): Ah, feck.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-

The soft rumbling sound of being in a moving car now can be heard. There is also the shuffling around of clutter.

SAM: Don’t worry; it’s not that far now.

BISMUTH: Thank you again for the lift.

SAM: Any time.

She pauses.

SAM: You alright back there?

JAMIE: Why is this your bairn’s fecking garbage dump? I feel like we’re going to get there and I’ll pop out the Toxic Avenger.

SAM: You’re just a big baby. (She puts the turn signal on.) I’ve seen your office, you know.

JAMIE: That’s organized! It makes sense!

SAM: Mmmhmm… oh… shit…

SAM puts the car in park and kills the engine. Soon as the doors open, there is a large commotion of sirens idly warning people to stay back and said people talking. The three shut the doors and make their way through the crowd.

JAMIE: Oi, we need to get through!

OLD WOMAN 1: Keep your fucking shirt on, lad. Not like we can get through.

JAMIE: Except that’s our job. We need to get through.

OLD WOMAN 2: Well, so’s that for us, but it’s not like we’re getting in any time soon.

JAMIE: Aye, you’ll get there; now just let us pass.

BISMUTH: Ma’am, the sooner we can get our jobs done, the sooner you can get to yours.

OLD WOMAN 2: Mmm, right, but you’re not going to get told off because the toilet’s not cleaned.

OLD WOMAN 1: At this rate, we won’t get in there until half-twelve, and…

SAM: Don’t worry! We’ll have it all under control! Our colleagues are taking care of things as we speak!

OLD WOMAN 1: They better!

The three make their way through the crowd. A siren whoops and there is plenty of murmuring.

BISMUTH: Ketja! Think we can get through?

There is now a new voice, deep and masculine and vaguely Slavic.

KETJA: Oh! A pleasant surprise, Director! Oi, look alive; we’ve got Mainframe brass!

The crowd gets fainter as KETJA brings them towards the building.

KETJA: What brings you up this way, ma’am?

BISMUTH: I’m here to set up the new communications hub, but when I got a text from Arwell about the situation…

KETJA: Understood. Are you the new local Communications Director?

SAM: I’m flattered, but…

JAMIE: That’s me; now who are you and what sort of fucking mess am I explaining away?

KETJA: I’m Major Ketja, the military liaison for the Glasburgh Auxiliary. That must mean you are Jamie and you are Sam. Apologies, but I’ve been a bit busy to hang around the base and meet people.

BISMUTH: Ketja has taken over a series of cases from the local authorities, which is why UNIT has responded to the scene.

JAMIE: …and why I gotta be here if all I need is some photos and details passed my way? So that there’s someone on-site to handle the fucking cunts that come sniffing about?

KETJA: It would be nice.

They go through an automatic door, the noise from outside fully being left behind them as they enter the casino. Idle slot machines on the far side of the room chirp cheerfully their wee slogans while UNIT members mill about.

JAMIE: Sweet Mary, what the fuck is that?!

KETJA: It used to be a Silurian who worked on the machines and cleaned overnight. As you can see, can’t really say its such anymore.

JAMIE: That wasn’t the photo you fucking showed me!

BISMUTH: I needed to make sure you’d come.

JAMIE growls in irritation.

SAM: …and you said this is the latest in a series?

KETJA: Correct. Arwell’s been doing a decent job of keeping it under wraps for us, but this is the most public one to-date. I believe you were there at the first one, were you not?

JAMIE: That time Malc stole m’car and took off to fucking Sterling with me still inside? Thought that was a Zygon, not a Silurian.

A beat.

JAMIE: Should that bit be that color?

BISMUTH (deadpan): Yes.

JAMIE: Fuck. I gave up smoking for this?

KETJA clears his throat.

KETJA: Victims have all been non-Human Tripartite, all who were occupying spaces they normally would alone, all having been viciously and repeatedly stabbed and mutilated. Ma’am, I’m going to need you to assist with authorizing and initiating security protocols, as this might require getting the Tripartite fully involved.

BISMUTH: All while MacDonald runs damage control?

KETJA: Precisely.

JAMIE: I’m on it, pet.

BISMUTH: You willingly let him recruit you, knowing he’s like this?

SAM: Pays well and doesn’t treat me like garbage. What can I say?

BISMUTH sighs and we hear her and KETJA walk away, their footfalls heavy with their boots on tile. JAMIE harrumphs.

JAMIE: I thought His Malcness said she was one of the more normal ones. Oh… yeah… that’s right… we can grab a wee bite here when the place opens…

SAM: Focus… we need to figure out what we’re going to tell the paps outside, as well as the Mecca corporates.

JAMIE: As far as they’re concerned, any publicity is good publicity, especially since the poor bloke didn’t die during business hours.

He hums thoughtfully.

JAMIE (shouts): Oi! Was this a bloke?

FORENSICS YUTZ (far off, bored): Signs point to “yes”.

JAMIE: Okay, so, the bloke wasn’t vivisected during business hours, so they won’t give a fuck in the end. They probably wouldn’t even give a fuck if he was, since he looks like he was the overnight caretaker, despite the fact those are some of the ones they need to give a fuck about the most…

SAM: Do you think we can spin this as an anti-immigrant attack if the paperwork’s right? Make it look like some arse got a bit carried away?

JAMIE: For now… bloody fucking Tories wouldn’t blink twice calling it an isolated incident. We can run with that as the prevailing theory. Oi, you; yeah, I’m talking to you, Brown Eyes. You got a report for me to run off?

BROWN EYES: Uh… yeah…

JAMIE: Thanks—you’re a peach.

Papers rustle.

JAMIE: Oh, good; Kate’s lot had him down as being a recent immigrant from Hyderabad with no family. This makes my life a piece of fucking cake. Might even be able to get this out of the news cycle by teatime AND not terrorize the Desis, since they have enough to fucking deal with.

SAM: Shit… yeah… anything else we can pull instead?

JAMIE: That’s what we got—might not be completely ethical, but it’s the best we got to work with. The fact he worked here might keep any nosy fucks from poking around too much.

A pause.

SAM: Okay, you actually lost me this time.

JAMIE: When was the last time you saw a headscarf in a Mecca?

A much longer pause.

SAM: Do we need to go over how many layers of stupid that was?

JAMIE: Well, do yeh?

SAM: It’s got it’s own orogeny named for it, Jamie! There’s striations! Should I go on?

JAMIE: Well, it’s not my fucking fault that the cunts couldn’t name the business for the life of them!

SAM groans loudly.

SAM (quietly): I gave up Broadland for this for fuck’s sake…

JAMIE: You’re playing Motherwell Rules now, mate.

SAM: I bet if we looked up “Motherwell Rules”, there’d be nothing about acting like a knob.

JAMIE: Look at me, Samantha… I’m a wee fucking cunt. If I don’t play the part, then I’ll be considered to be scheming, and that’s at-best. You really think I want to put ideas in their fucking heads?

SAM: Well, what would worst-case be?

JAMIE: That I’ve gone fucking soft. I plan on making this gig where I turn into the fucking bogeyman, and what sort of bogeyman’s softer than a geriatric tit?

SAM: Still, I want you to be careful, because you have the ability to insult hijabi and Irish grans who protect their permanents at the same fucking time. Jesus Christ.

JAMIE (smugly): I’m just that talented—you know that.

SAM (groaning): I guess.

She pats his shoulder.

SAM (strained): Go get ‘em. Yeah.

so i resolved to stop being so self-deprecating in 2022 and something i did without really consciously deciding to is when i fall into spirals of regret and self-loathing i just think “i love you” over and over

like not to anyone or anything in particular, just a proclamation of something positive without questioning whether the listener is worthy and to interrupt the thoughts i’m having in the moment and it’s worked 100% of the time (along w/ the litany of fear and “the person who is breathing is me” lol)

i think taking a non-directed approach as well as a morality-neutral approach are really helpful steps to cutting that shit out bc you can’t magically love yourself overnight but you can love something, romantically platonically familialy however you can and you can’t immediately develop fake-it-til-you-make-it-i’m-king-shit-and-my-every-thought-fucks-severely vibes either but you can see this thing that you would be effacing about and just let it be what it is. not a dumb post, just a post, not a cringe reblog, just a reblog, etc etc

maybe it’s not ideal and i don’t always implement these tools but i’ve been in a better place for the past few years than i have for like... a HUGE chunk of my life using them even just sometimes so 10/10 do recommend

the ending of the idol makes no damn sense. we don't find out any of jocelyn's motivations and instead of her regaining her own agency after everything she's been through we're supposed to believe she let tedros abuse her bc it was part of her plan all along??? and she made up the entire abuse by her mom or at least being beat up with a brush even though she was so emotional while talking about + xander & leia knew about this abuse as well so we're they just acting along?? at one point xander (troye sivan's character) is super brainwashed by tedros and frames jocelyn's ex as a r*pist following tedros' orders and he isn't on good terms with jocelyn he basically insults her saying she's worse than her mom and that she controls everyone around her (alluding to her lying the whole time i guess but it still makes no sense) but then everything is fine again all of a sudden after he sings a song like i'm not making this up this show is absolutely STUPID. it's like the first 3 episodes were basically p*rn and by the 4th episode sam remembered oh we actually need to tell a story here and just threw in this nonsensical twist so we basically saw lrd suffer and being humiliated for nothing bc turns out she's the evil mastermind and we're supposed to feel sorry for tedros??? GIRL BYE!!! the rivalry with jennie's character could've been the main focus and would've been a more intriguing story but they really just used jennie as a marketing ploy bc her character isn't properly explored or utilized AT ALL.

this gq article explained the horrible ending very well: "A better show might’ve teased out more of this complex villainy rather than dropping it right at the end, but the resultant whiplash leaves you scratching your rattail. You’re telling us that we’ve just watched Jocelyn nakedly sob her way through a litany of humiliations — enduring the abuse of a sad sack cringe merchant not only whose favourite pastime is getting his rocks off on Valentino but, much more pertinently, looks like his armpits could double as chemical weapons — because that was her master plan the entire time? That’s what was going to rejuvenate her career? Has she ever thought about taking a nice walk? And sorry, we’re meant to have sympathy for Tedros “the queasiest fuckboy of all time” Tedros? Pull the other one" (https://www.gq-magazine.co.uk/article/the-idol-season-1-finale-jocelyn)

sam lev and the weeknd are never seeing heaven - not only is that gross and misogynistic is SO many ways, but it’s also such lazy and awful writing im actually in disbelief that they managed to get it approved by such a big network. im sure hbo is embarrassed as hell to have platformed a show like that and to have invested money in a show that has flopped both commercially and critically in such a public way lol

and that quote is GOLD, i think it sums it up perfectly 🙃😐

5 and 7 for the fic ask

5: How many wips do you have?  What fandoms/pairings are they for?

I'm prone to fixating on one character and wanting to put them in A Situation, so I often find myself writing stuff about one canon character (or comparatively few of them) and a litany of original ones.

I've got two AO3 accounts, one for my more present work and another for my archived stuff that I might revisit later. My current WIP on my main acct (fruitzbat) would be my post-canon CR fic, The Devil & The Details ("Devilverse") which is all about Kingsley Tealeaf and his ascent to the throne of Darktow.

In it, I ship him with an original character (they have a tag on here, which is "kilogram hours"; I refer to their relationship using the call name of either kilogram or stormleaf, kilogram more frequently when posting/tagging stuff because it's a little less obvious that I am Being Cringe but I think the latter is the more official one) -- there's some Fjorester, too, that I'm pretty proud of, but the central point of the story is about Kingsley and him learning how to navigate relationships outside of the Nein, so that relationship is the main one.

(there's also king of glass, my fic about molly and yasha...mostly molly, if I'm being real with myself, but yasha is also important; I realized after posting the first chapter that the plot I had in mind hinged on molly being a very different person, so maybe I'll revisit that when I'm sufficiently satisfied with devilverse)

The other WIP would be Aegis, which was my historical hetalia fic series that I've been writing on-and-off since 2016 on my alt acct and has been on hiatus since 2021 or so. It's centered around my passion, which is the history of the Mediterranean, chiefly Italy's islands -- starting with the annexation of Malta into the British Empire and slated to end with the conclusion of WWII. Basically the subject of the fourth and final installment (Min jistenna jithenna) is the subject of my current doctoral research, and I realized once I started doing work that wasn't casual that like nearly EVERYTHING I wrote was bullshit in a way that I couldn't condone, so I wouldn't be comfortable revisiting it unless I was going to do a page one rewrite of that entire fourth fic.

Saying that, Aegis is nearly "done" while being the exact same length as my current WIP, which is not yet even halfway finished. So it might not be that much work comparatively -- it just feels daunting as hell, and as a period historian I think I owe it the diligence.

In Aegis, I multishipped out the wazoo, but the action chiefly focused on Frying Pangle, SpAus, and Romano/Sicily (an original character). I have a bit of a thing for ships that feel like they are divorced (or are divorced) that I think REALLY comes through in that series, lol.

7: Post a snippet from a wip.

WOOGH okay I posted a snippet from Aegis earlier so I think it's only fair I do a devilverse one here. Some descriptive writing that I really love from the first book:

The waters that girded Bosa and Scoria Benatar’s keep in Mount Arcade were consistently blitzed with some sort of turbulence, some kind of interlocking system of whirlpools, merrow traps, that meant there was only one consistently safe passage towards it: the channel between the islands of Seri and Edda, one that sailors called the Hag’s Fingers.

It was said by many that the channel was the realm of a coven of sea hags; as a result, even though it was the safest way, it was not uncommon for crews to keep their wits painfully about them for the entire passage. Song upon song existed of pretty young cabin boys on ships passing the Fingers, swept away by a hag in the dead of night – made to suffer for their offending beauty.

It was known that the two islands had once been connected with an isthmus, and their joining was made weak with high sea caves. When a falling god in the Calamity had knocked the two islands apart, the only thing that was left was standing columns that had once been the walls of great caverns. Eroded, over time, into outstretched, withered digits that pocked the shallow water. Like so much else in this region, all that seemed to remain of their prior glorious existence was splinters of stories, words, an unrelenting echo of you should have seen it back then.

In the early morning, the mist crept upwards from the blue-greenish depths, crawled with its slimy fingers up the singular pillars of broken, limpet-caped stone it so meticulously hid throughout the channel to watch the Mollymauk do its best to dodge its way through. Once they passed it – with Melora’s sweet breath and blessing at their sails, unscathed – the Mollymauk would nose into the open mouth of the Bosa Gulf.

Each pole of stone that they narrowly scraped past made Kingsley wonder when the mist would empty out into that bottomless expanse of green water. He looked over at Felaun, leaning next to him – peeling his breakfast with a pocket knife. They felt the mist rattle uneasily in their lungs as they breathed in, out, let it fly back to where it draped across the world around them in flimsy ribbons of moisture.

FANFICTION ASK MEME

🍊(love you ari!!) // konecny-s

i love you!! here's to hoping you like at least one song lol.

@konecny-s .

1980s horror film by wallows.

alcatraz by oliver riot.

bedroom by litany.

chateau by angus and julia stone.

kingston by faye webster.

courtside by triathlon.

cringe by matt maeson.

fairgrounds by kevin creel.

green tea and honey by dane amar.

lemonade by jeremy passion.

the middle by jimmy eat world.

if you think it's okay to be fatphobic and not have that connect with how you look than we can call people ugly here without you spiriling and demanding a profile picture of us being a 10.

… babe. Babe. Babe.

Again, if in your mind HOLLYWOOD ACTORS look like KURT KLOSS and you think it’s SPIRALING to say “maybe let’s not call Hollywood actors ugly because idk where that leaves those of us who look like idk me or Kurt Kloss” and you’re like “hey hey hey Kurt Kloss is a HOT ANGEL MAN he is SO CONVENTIONALLY SEXY” idk man what kinds of eyeballs you have.

You get fat people who are hot af and make money from their looks.

And you also get Kurt Kloss.

And if me saying “in the litany of things that make him so cringe the extra weight - on a doctor of all occupations - certainly doesn’t help” is upsetting to you that’s SUPER FAIR and I wish you can find content that makes you happy. I hope you find a blog where you can discuss random “hot” middle aged dumbasses from buttfuck nowhere USA while shitting on “fugly ass” Hollywood actors who ALL WISH they looked like Dr Kurt Kloss.

That is overly facetious but y’all hopefully understand what I’m saying - if the comment upset you, that’s fine. Leave.

And babe actually, just one last thing: this is my blog lol where I - some random dumb bitch - share my dumb fucking opinions. So no I don’t have to entertain every take and you don’t have to agree with me and I don’t have to agree with you 🥲

Hello, thank you for reading my post. Just a warning here, this is 100% a rant and nothing about this post is cordial or polite or neat. I just needed this safe space to process my thoughts/emotions. Thank you.

“What triggered this post is that this guy, “J”, I like did not respond to my text. Now I haven’t talked to him in a while and I finally mustered the confidence to send something. When I reread it, I felt SO DORKY and small. I hated that feeling! And its SO embarrassing to think that he is judging me or thinks im weird and God-forbid creepy for texting him. Obviously, I dug a hole of my thoughts on this.

It really is time for me to forget about J. I wished waaaay too much about a future with him because he is a good-looking man and we got really well along when we would chat. I invited him to like 3 things outside of work and he’s said no or did not show up. Now you might logically think this is enough red flags. But I am a “hopeless romantic”, if you will, and I pushed this crush in my head WAY too far. If I’m being honest, I have a very small idea of where his headspace is at.

He grew up outside the states most of his life and although he’s been in the U.S. for 4 years, its his first time in Texas. So he is pretty shy until you go up and talk to him.

But it shouldn’t even matter if I should rationalize his decisions or not, because if for whatever reason a guy does not take your invitation or respond to you…. I should just easily forget about him and move on. I should MOVE ON. Am I moving on?? Is this my way and process of doing so?

Hmmm actually now that I think of that, I see his perspective better. Anywayyys I haven’t spoken to him in a few weeks and I left the office we were both at and never gave him a proper goodbye. It makes me sad to think of it because I do genuinely care. And I feel sooo guilty for hyping up this potential relationship in my head.

What I’m learning now is that even friendships are a two-way-fking-street. If he is not willing to be at my level, there is absolutely nothing I can do until he shows up. There could be a myriad of reasons why but I’m too exhausted to even think through them.

But now when I think of other potential suitors, I cringe lol. Its so hard for me to picture myself with the average 25 or 30 year old man in my area. Clearly, I truly do not have an open heart. I guess I am learning more about myself than anything else. Do I truly love and respect myself? And cherish myself?? Am I too dependent on the other opinions of others?? MERPPPP. WHY CANT I BE FKING NORMAL??

WHY THE FCK AM I SO WEIRD AROUND BOYS AND RELATIONSHIPS?! This is the blues of being 26 and single. Back then when guys were interested, idk why I sabotaged these relationships.

So now that I’m at the end of that litany…. I deleted the text conversation I had with J. Just for my peace of mind…. And to pretend that it never happened. And to not be humiliated every time I open that chat.

CLEARLY, after reading this, I think you may know I have to work on my self-confidence and self-worth.

GIRL TELL THAT BOY BYE!”

cccxxix.

what is your middle name?: >> Frey. what’s your favorite lyric or quote?: >> *the ‘fear is the mind-killer’ litany floats through my head again* do you support abortion?: >> I support the right to get one if one chooses. last nightmare you had?: >> I really don’t remember. who was your first crush?: >> Well, Matt Damon, probably. Or Yul Brynner. I don’t know, I didn’t realise what crushes actually were until around middle school, and these two are from before then, so my memory is vaguer.

what is an annoying overused phrase?: >> “You are valid.” What does that even mean anymore? What am I going to do with that affirmation? Throw a party? what’s usually your last thought falling asleep?: >> I don’t know. The passage into sleep is such a nebulous and sneaky one that I can’t imagine how I’m supposed to figure out what my last thought was. Thoughts generally flow into preliminary dreams, anyway, so there’s no “last” thought. Just... a changing of thoughts into other things. what’s one thing someone said to you that has always stuck in your memory?: >> Predictably, I can’t think of anything off the top of my head. ever agreed with a punishment your parents gave you?: >> Of course not, I hate being punished. Just because the punishment may have been just doesn’t mean I’m gonna like it! do you like to be anti-social sometimes?: >> No. I like to be quiet and undisturbed sometimes, especially for the sake of focusing on an activity, but that is in no way anti-social behaviour. what was your childhood dream job?: >> I didn’t have one. would you ever adopt a kid?: >> Sure. ever did something you swore to yourself you never would?: >> Well, yeah, probably. what color is your toothpaste?: >> White. have you ever faked your identity on the net?: >> Nah. It never occurred to me to do that; I already contain multitudes, so I have a lot of myself to choose from when it comes to image presentation. I don’t need to fake anything. do you like roller coasters?: >> Sure. how do you feel on new years eve?: >> A low-key excitement. I enjoy the ritualistic torch-passing from one year to the next, and I always enjoy the feeling of a fresh start.  which friend is the most understanding of you?: >> I don’t know. what turns you off about a guy?: >> Hm.

what’s the weirdest thing you ever ate?: >> I’m really not sure. From my point of view, nothing I’ve eaten is particularly weird. whats your opinion on the movie napoleon dynamite?: >> I didn’t like it. have you ever chased a pigeon?: >> Nah. ever done something mean to a teacher?: >> So once in high school, I want to say tenth grade? I had this teacher named Mr Stanley. And I don’t remember what it was about Mr Stanley that annoyed me, or what he’d done to make me feel petty, but honestly I stopped getting along with teachers in middle school anyway, once it was realised that I wasn’t going to be teacher’s pet/the Smart child anymore. So maybe I was just being a bitch. But either way, The Sixth Sense was still fresh in my mind at the time, and one day on the back of my homework I wrote “Stuttering Stanley! Stuttering Stanley!” Mr Stanley, mind you, did not stutter. I was just making an annoying reference. Like I said, I don’t fuckin know why. I was a teenager, man, and not a happy or sane one either. So then when Mr Stanley sees it, he gets mad as hell and gets in my face (he was tall, too) and is just bitching me out. I don’t know why he got quite so mad lmao. Maybe he... was a stutterer, once. Wouldn’t that be wild? are you a fan of ipods?: >> No. I used to be, especially when they were a new thing, but meh. whats the biggest thing you considered stealing?: >> I don’t know. Nothing huge, I’d imagine. I’m not that good of a thief. ever been so scared you stayed up with the lights on?: >> Nah. ever ran away from home?: >> I ran away from a place that wasn’t at all home for me. what’s the worst thing your parents have said to you?: >> I don’t recall my father saying anything particularly awful to me. That wasn’t really his style. how many times have you cried yourself to sleep?: >> I have no way of knowing. would you ever sky dive?: >> I’d like to. could you handle eating a bug?: >> I could. Wouldn’t be the easiest thing in the world, but it sure wouldn’t be the hardest. have you ever intentionally been a bitch?: >> Yes. ever felt like you could really be considered crazy?: >> Well, of course. do you think time travel is truly possible?: >> I don’t know enough about the subject of time to form a concrete opinion. think you can dance?: >> Yes, but I’d certainly be able to dance better if I practiced. do you still ride in shopping carts?: >> No. I think I could still fit, but getting in and out is a lot harder at this size. ever seen a Broadway play?: >> No. I’d like to. can you honestly say you’ve felt like not being alive?: >> Sure. if you could choose how to die, how would it happen?: >> I’d be old and happily tired, and it’d happen in my sleep. what is your reaction when you see the person who gives you butterflies?: >> I don’t know what that feels like. I understand it’s probably mostly metaphorical (I say mostly because I think the physical sensation is also a thing that some people must be experiencing?), but I... am not entirely sure what the metaphor is standing for. weirdest dream you can remember is…: >> Hm. Raining with sun out or snowing at night time?: >> Nighttime snow is very calming. I mean, unless you have to drive in the morning. LOL instead of roses, you’d rather receive which type of flower?: >> Sunflowers. Or anything interesting-looking, really. Or nothing. Because cut flowers are a strange gift to me. You cut a plant and doomed it to an unnatural death just to... give it to me. I don’t think I want that. Give me a living plant instead (one that I can realistically take care of, obviously, not something that requires a real garden and full sun or something). romantic ending or realistic ending in a movie?: >> I thought the point of movies was to be transported from reality, honestly. I don’t understand the obsession with realism. at this moment, whose arms would you like wrapped around you?: >> I mean, no one’s, because it’s hot. if you had telepathy, would you tell anyone?: >> I don’t know. I can’t even imagine having telepathy. The power actually doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me, because of how brains work, and also because you’d literally be too full of input to... do anything. Telepathy with filtering capability is a little less nonsensical to me. if you could, what color would you paint the sky?: >> That’s not how skies work anyway. what disease would you pick to instantly cure?: >> I don’t want that sort of responsibility. if you could go back in time, what age would you go to?: >> No. is there one major thing you want to accomplish before you die (of old age)?: >> No. who do you want to talk to right this moment?: >> Hm. if you could tell the world one thing about you, what would it be?: >> No. who’s the one person you wish you could apologize to right now, for whatever reason?: >> --- what’s the least favorite part on your body?: >> Hm. who would you honestly give up your own life for?: >> I would give up life for no one. what’s the one thing you don’t like to joke around about?: >> For the most part, I don’t like jokes at the expense of people, particularly about things they can’t control or didn’t choose. Like, friends roasting me for my personality or something, sure. That’s fun. Making fun of white people for not seasoning food? All day every day. Making fun of drug addicts, or poor people, or people from other countries that you don’t understand? I’ll pass. do you think you’re intelligent?: >> Sure. I also think I’m dumb as hell. Both are true. We can’t possibly be smart about everything. do other people’s opinions of your beliefs matter to you?: >> They’re interesting sometimes, and sometimes I might even take them into consideration, but a lot of the times they’re just unsolicited and irrelevant -- not to mention arrogantly or insensitively presented. what quality in someone else just pisses you off?: >> Hm. favorite tv show as a little kid?: >> I didn’t have one. what do you like most about winter?: >> At this point, I’m so tired of winter that I can’t think about it positively. Ask me again in late July. what sound makes you cringe?: >> The sound of the dumpsters being emptied, because they have to bang it a couple of times to get all the stuff out.  do the standards of society matter to you in any way?: >> They matter when I have to interact with them, or when things are being denied me or people are treating me badly because I don’t measure up to social standards. ever tried to overdose?: >> Yes. (Obviously, I failed.) what vegetable do you pick over every other veggie?: >> Baby spinach. why are you self-conscious?: >> Because I am more aware of my self than I have ever been. ever had the conversation of marrying someone and having their kids?: >> Not the latter part. what scent makes you smile?: >> You know, I’ve never thought about it. have you ever just read the dictionary for kicks?: >> Yeah, when I was a child.  if someone stalked you, how would you react?: >> I don’t know. I’ve never been stalked so I don’t even know what it’d feel like. what is one thing that a friend might do that annoys you?: >> Hm. whats the first department you go to in a store?: >> That depends on the store and why I’m there. what kind of grapes do you like?: >> Red. have you ever been physically hurt by someone intentionally and not for fun?: >> Yes. do you often weasel out of doing things just cuz you’re lazy?: >> Maybe. Although I’m not sure I believe in laziness -- I’m sure there are probably exceptions to my theory, because there are exceptions to everything, but I think people just use “lazy” as an insult when they don’t understand why someone else doesn’t work at the same pace or level of enthusiasm or within the same time frame as they do. I think people internalise that and just roll with it. I think that “laziness” is a lazy term that hides a multitude of solveable problems -- executive dysfunction, depression, lack of balance (it’s like the Sims: if you don’t fulfill their need for fun and socialisation, their performance in all sectors suffers), inability to care about whatever-it-is, anxiety, overload/overstimulation, and so on. I say “I’m lazy lmao” because it’s honestly easier to just let myself be judged that way than try to explain these other things to people and be told I’m a liar or making up excuses. ever ignored a phone call because you knew that person was boring?: >> No. items ever thrown around in your room out of anger…: >> That has happened. Not recently. ever gone out commando?: >> No. I find that immensely uncomfortable. are you ever going to consider plastic surgery?: >> No. Couldn’t afford it anyway. do you give in easily?: >> I mean, yes, sometimes. what can’t you stand about your room?: >> It’s too small and Sigma ruined it. do you really believe in magic?: >> Yes. if you ever caught your parents in a lie, what was it?: >> A lie of omission. My father didn’t tell me that the dog we got when we moved to South Jersey had ran away, until I asked him why I haven’t seen the dog in a few days. He... thought I’d like, forget???? I don’t know what kind of logic he was working with there. :| if you were born a guy, what would you hope your name would be?: >> Hm.

were you named after anyone?: >> Originally. what’s one characteristic your ideal boyfriend would have?: >> Hm. do you need reassurance a lot?: >> Not a lot. Not often at all, really. your least favorite Disney villain is…: >> I don’t know enough Disney villains to have a least favourite. what flavor of skittles do you dislike the most?: >> I thought they all taste the same.