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knifewieldingenby · 8 months

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Thought I'd give an update about The Girl I Talk About Too Much. Not many people have shown interest, but I know a few of you have so I figured what the hell. I need to talk about it.

So, a few months ago me, her, and her partner sat down and talked. They'd mentioned that me and her would be able to form a sexual/possibly a bit romantic connection steadily, as the partner became comfortable with different levels of physicality. I was very much Not Okay with this. I wanted to be able to form an organic connection with her, as we'd done before the partner entered the equation. I wasn't okay with being with someone who needed to ask permission every time she wanted to share a new experience with me. Doing so felt like willingly sacrificing my autonomy. I made this crystal fucking clear to them that if this was how they intended to approach polyamory, with the couples privilege in full swing, I wasn't interested in being a part of that. We talked, and they agreed. The partner in particular said they didn't want to limit her ability to form natural connections, and both of them assured me this wouldn't be the case.

Fast forward to a week ago. She and I hung out, played games, cuddled, and ended up having sex. I checked in many times to make certain it was okay with the partner (and I shouldn't have even had to do that). She assured me it was okay. Next morning we were messaging, everything going well. She was more talkative than usual (over discord), super invested and open, and I thought it was because we'd rekindled that connection. Then she hit me with the "can I talk to you about something heavy" and all I could think was welp, here we fucking go again.

Turns out, she did need permission! In her defense, she had also interpreted that conversation as her partner saying that things were good going forward, permission wasn't required, so I can't fault her too much for that. The partner was being vague, and agreeing to something they had no intention of sticking to. But she didn't check in with them to be certain beforehand, which is where she fucked up with them. Where she'd really fucked up with me was when I reminded her of that conversation and she said "if I'd understood you correctly, I would have made the call myself that this wouldn't work out."

I went back through our chat to delete any pictures I'd sent her and stumbled on the end of our discord conversation about that (which occurred prior to us three meeting and coming to an agreement) and I literally could not have been more clear. And she showed the messages to her partner (with my permission) so we could "all be in the same page." There's no way in fuck they both misinterpreted me. So now I feel lied to, betrayed, and ashamed of sharing my body with her. I've been through so much trauma and have worked my entire adult life to connect to my body and sexuality. When I share myself with someone, it's a big fucking deal. And she made me regret it, and *that* is what I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive.

Our conversation Wednesday ended with her saying "if there's anything I can do to make this more positive let me know" (lmao what?) I said "I don't know if anything will. I feel hollow. I'll think on it and message you tomorrow." It's Saturday, I haven't messaged her, and I don't know when I will. She's my friend, I love her, part of me still wants her in my life. But she fucked up so bad (with both me and her partner. Their relationship has not been very pretty since this went down). And the intimate side of our connection has always gone hand-in-hand with our friendship. When my wife finally met her, they said they could tell after about 30 seconds that we were deeply drawn to each other. It's always been that way. But she started dating her partner first, that monog hierarchy kicked right in, and I was shoved aside. It didn't matter that I'd met her first, that we had these feelings first. They were the couple, so I would always be less.

And THAT is why I made a promise that I wouldn't date someone brand new to polyamory, especially not someone coupled with a person who is also brand new. I've been the guinea pig too many times. But I let my heart win and I broke my own rule. After the first time things got messy, I could justify it by "they both thought they were ready but you never know until you know, and they promised to do a ton of research and work on themselves because they really want this" and I fucking waited. I waited for over a year like a dumbass, and this is what I got in the end. Me and the partner were supposed to hang out today. We get along amazingly well and wanted to become friends. Guess what's probably not going to happen? As for this person that I've been low-key in love with for a year and a half, who I was content to have an intimate friendship with because I knew she couldn't handle another partner, I just. I just don't think I can do that to myself again. I need to respect myself more than that. She hurt me so fucking bad - it's been a long time since I've sobbed while listening to break up songs and felt like my heart was going to kill me. I can't do that again, not with her.

I've learned my lesson. I'll know better from now on.

The funny thing is, I actually am dating someone else who is "new" to polyamory, but it's a bit different. They fell for my meta when she had two other partners. They loved seeing her interact with said partners and were so happy for her. They accepted that she would always love and be loved by others, and they wanted nothing less for her. We started dating 5 weeks ago, so I'm their first polyam experience dating more than one person. It's been lovely. They, unlike the two assholes above, put the work in even before they started dating my meta. They are truly someone who was meant to be polyamorous. I think people get too comfortable viewing polyamory as just a relationship choice, but this is what I mean when I say it's also an orientation. Some people are just monogamous, and that's okay! Just bc you want to be polyam doesn't mean you can be or that it's good for you. Just bc I want dairy doesn't mean it's good for my body (it very much it not, oof). More than anything, I want to tell them to stay the fuck away from polyamorous people until they figure out how to do so without imposing a structure that hurts other people. Ugh, I'm rambling now. Fuck them! FUCK THEM!!!

....actually one more thing! A real kicker, another thing that's been rotating in my head, is when I told her: remember when I said that last convo was so hard for me bc it forced me to ask myself how much pain I'm willing to risk experiencing for you? Did you feel the weight of that at the time? Did you realize how significant that was? And she said no 🙃

#the girl i talk too much about #the girl I never want to talk about again

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loriache · 28 days

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Thoughts of a newly resurrected girl

#dungeon meshi #farcille #falin touden #marcille donato #falin x marcille #welcome to my yuri mind palace ^ _ ^#i think falin is going through it basically. i think marcille is putting her through hell #Marcille is like we are GIRL BESTIES <3 let me touch you ever so tenderly I MISSED YOU SO MUCH !!!#but let's not talk about it or anything too deeply haha.#sorry that i think marcille is repressed. sorry. but i believe with the character development she goes through during the manga #that will change #falin can fix her #my art

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sugarcoatednightshade · 5 months

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thinking about how Humans Are Space Orcs stories always talk about how indestructible humans are, our endurance, our ability to withstand common poisons, etc. and thats all well and good, its really fun to read, but it gets repetitive after a while because we aren't all like that.

And that got me thinking about why this trope is so common in the first place, and the conclusion I came to is actually kind of obvious if you think about it. Not everyone is allowed to go into space. This is true now, with the number of physical restrictions placed on astronauts (including height limits), but I imagine it's just as strict in some imaginary future where humans are first coming into contact with alien species. Because in that case there will definitely be military personnel alongside any possible diplomatic parties.

And I imagine that all interactions aliens have ever had up until this point have been with trained personnel. Even basic military troops conform to this standard, to some degree. So aliens meet us and they're shocked and horrified to discover that we have no obvious weaknesses, we're all either crazy smart or crazy strong (still always a little crazy, academia and war will do that to you), and not only that but we like, literally all the same height so there's no way to tell any of us apart.

And Humans Are Death Worlders stories spread throughout the galaxy. Years or decades or centuries of interspecies suspicion and hostilities preventing any alien from setting foot/claw/limb/appendage/etc. on Earth until slowly more beings are allowed to come through. And not just diplomats who keep to government buildings, but tourists. Exchange students. Temporary visitors granted permission to go wherever they please, so they go out in search of 'real terran culture' and what do they find?

Humans with innate heart defects that prevent them from drinking caffeine. Humans with chronic pain and chronic fatigue who lack the boundless endurance humans are supposedly famous for. Humans too tall or too short or too fat to be allowed into space. Humans who are so scared of the world they need to take pills just to function. Humans with IBS who can't stand spicy foods, capsaicin really is poison to them. Lactose intolerance and celiac disease, my god all the autoimmune disorders out there, humans who struggle to function because their own bodies fight them. Humans who bruise easily and take too long to heal. Humans who sustained one too many concussions and now struggle to talk and read and write. Humans who've had strokes. Humans who were born unable to talk or hear or speak, and humans who through some accident lost that ability later.

Aliens visit Earth, and do you know what they find? Humanity, in all its wholeness.

#humans are space orcs #humans in space #earth is a deathworld #earth is space australia #tagging this so that ppl can find it even though the space shit i write about always feels like its in direct opposition to all the pop tag #also my biggest pet peeve in all of writing - all writing. everywhere. not just in fanfic but books and tv and movies too - is when people #write off an injury by saying something like 'oh nothing bad just a couple of scratches some bruising and a minor concussion' like girl WHA #MiNOr ConCuSSioN is such an oxymoron and I hate it so fucking much. like i dont care how minor it was thats still brain damage.#especially when the same character does this more than once. like im sorry ms. but uh. you can no longer read. or talk eloquently. sorry #evidence: my brother has had two 'minor' concussions and now cannot read write or speak without tremendous effort. And like its totally #ruined my ability to watch action shows/movies because now i just sit there and count how many concussions there characters are getting #after a certain point it becomes totally impossible to believe that these guys are able to function. (still fun to watch tho im not a hater

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mori-shige · 4 months

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Sometimes a friend group consists of a girl hyperfixated on letting her pets beat up yours, a nerd who embezzles government funds, Schrödinger's daddy issues, and an onion-looking wet cat incarnate, and I find that beautiful

#pokemon violet #pokemon scarlet #pkmn #pkmn sv #pokemon scarlet and violet #pokemon sv #mochi mayhem #kieran pokemon #penny pokemon #arven pokemon #I would have included carmine but she doesn't do much in mochi mayhem #besides being poisoned #why is nobody talking about that #girl's nervous system is probably shutting down and everyone is too fixated on the fact that she's doing the chicken dance to notice #absolutely wild #not art #pokemon dlc

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luxbub · 2 months

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The bond between a girl and the middle-aged actor she saw in a movie years ago and now coincidentally has a big fat crush on is unstoppable

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transmascissues · 1 month

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i could honestly write a whole essay on how the internet’s obsession with romanticizing ‘girl dads’ while simultaneously making fun of ‘boy moms’ and gender reveal parties is directly related to a pervasive lack of care for trans men&mascs even among supposedly pro-trans people.

#if people cared about young transmascs at all #they would not be encouraging dads to make their whole identity as a parent based around their kid being a girl #because if they cared about us they would realize that some of those kids might not be girls #and that those kids will absolutely feel how their parent looks at them differently when they don’t fit that father-daughter image anymore #it’s also very much based in misogyny. that would be part of the essay too #we’re very comfortable making fun of moms and don’t care how the parenting we idealize might hurt daughters #tbh we need to start talking about benevolent sexism again #bc some of y’all really seem to think that as long as the surface content is positive it can’t possibly be harmful #and that’s simply not how any of this works and i thought we already knew that #transandrophobia #transandromisia #transmisandry #virilmisia #virilphobia #anti transmasculinity #transmascphobia

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navnae · 1 year

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Yes everyone loves Steve being an absolute sweetheart and him being the kindest soul, but if there’s a chance that Eddie can piss him off just to bring out that bitchiness in him then he will. For some reason it’s so hot to Eddie when he hears Steve saying “fuck you” or “fuck off” when he’s angry. Eddie knows it’s very rare to see that side of Steve but it’s definitely worth his while when he does.

Also as a fandom I don’t think we talk enough about Steve being snappy and mean, it’s probably the hottest thing I’ve ever seen on television. That’s just my opinion though 😗

And bring back the shorts!!! please and thank you ;)

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trickarrows-bishop · 3 months

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avatrice + renee rapp lyrics that make me want to scream into a black hole: pretty girls // willow // i wish // talk too much // i do // what can i do

#avatrice #ava silva #sister beatrice #warrior nun #ava x beatrice #web weave #web weaving #renee rapp lyrics #pretty girls renee rapp #willow renee rapp #i wish renee rapp #talk too much renee rapp #i do renee rapp #what can i do renee rapp #if i think too much about their relation to what can i do i'll scream very loudly

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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 11 months

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Horse Yaoi trotted so Horsegirl Yuri could fly.

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #equineswap au #wei wuxian #lan wangji #little apple #xiao pingguo #lan wunian #This is the first and second kiss I've ever drawn. And its horse yaoi and horsegirl yuri. Wouldn't want it any other way tbh.#And with that...Horse week has come to a close #Not the end of this AU mind you; I'll still throw some doodles in here & there and reblog any fanart #The concept behind this was to make something with the vibes of that one picture with the guys holding girls up on their shoulders #so the girls can kiss. And the guys are kissing too. I hope someone knows what I'm talking about.#Maybe one day I'll draw the unswapped version. Ill flip a coin to decide whether or not wangxian are carrying their equines or riding them #Thank you all so much for the extremely enthusiastic reception to my equineswap AU #The love for both sides of the swap has blow me away. These designs have been sitting around for a while and I wasn't sure I'd post them.#In the end it became a way to celebrate a follower milestone *and* this blog's 3 month anniversary #also...It has been a hard few weeks and I needed something light and fun. I really mean it when I say “you guys helped me pull through”#Love you all B'*)

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kabutoden · 21 days

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i love it when people introduce their coolass adult trolls like yes. this is slayer martin the cruel. five sweeps ago he killed his way through his enemies and earned the title of worlds best assassin. hes the most competent warrior with swordkind in all of alternia and he had to duel his matesprite to the death when he was 7 sweeps old so hes rejected love and compassion from his dictionary literally and its like so cool bc it’s like. wow. i love slayer martin hes just like a real cool adult troll he’s so badass and epic and his themes and story is so complex i love it!!! but when i make homestuck ocs its like:

this is my babydoll cringe mcpeeper she’s 6 sweeps and her talent is screaming. really into defying the system these days. yes thats an ankle monitor. she shaved half her head a sweep ago. her mommy does not love her

#her new mom is a teenage boy btw #hey’re “””””moirails”””” but he knows full well he is just. acting as her lusus.#but theres no way for either of them to talk about their friendship being Completely Definitely Not Moirails You Act Like Her Mom #the reason i call him a mom and not her dad is because he’s like got that idk.#that dead mom anime haircut. he can be a dude and her mom idk anything is possible #i love her shes a hypercompetent child with severe emotional issues. girl you have so much to work through #impossible character to roleplay as i want fantroll oc people to be my friends but i worry my ocs are too immature #;-; eep #EEP #EEK #for my next trick im making a 6 sweep therian wolf fantroll

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80yearoldmanmoodboard · 7 months

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Some gems from the Autobiography of Special Agent Dale Cooper: my life in tapes

#Twin Peaks #Dale Cooper #The Autobiography of Special Agent Dale Cooper: My Life In Tapes #Dale Cooper woulda thrives on tumblr I think #Dale Cooper is gay as a maypole #he uses the most gay wording “I’m getting really good at behind thrown against the wall” fuckin bottom bitch #also there was a scene where he was running a ”is too much of a good thing really bad?” experiment in college #In which he had sex with a girl over and over for a whole day and/or night (it wasn’t clear)#and he talks about her pulling out something from her back which we’re left to assume is a sex toy and then he tells us #that he’s may be too sore to check out #so I’m pretty sure they’re implying Dale Cooper got pegged in college #and he enjoyed it #so have fun with that freaks #also the leather shit #if y’all are into writing twin peaks smut Dale Cooper talks about sex all the time in this

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sheepgirlmaidtummy · 1 month

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for an extremely long time i couldn't get into fantasy as a genre because its so very racist and i wish i could say that its different now but. if anything its just easier to see than before

#alotta thoughts on my mind that ultimately make me go #''i really need More black friends“#like. id like to talk about this stuff and actually have a genuine conversation on this without like #some white girl butting in trying to tell me that im just looking into things too much #yall arent ready to see how much i hate elves #white tgirls in a 50 meter radius just exploded

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ambrosiagourmet · 26 days

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Kabrin is like what if we survived the trauma together but I needed you more than you needed me and I’m angry and bitter and trying to keep it together but I’m FAILING and everyone can see I’m failing and that I��m a failure and what if you only keep me around out of pity, what if you only ever befriended me out of pity… except also I see you and your calm focus and your suave demeanor and I understand that you are just as messy inside as I am, and I wonder how many parts of yourself you have cut off just to keep everything small enough to fit inside of you.

#am I reading too much into this. perhaps. perhaps. but I am a simple Rin lover and I think her dynamic with Kabru is soooo…. it’s sooooooooo #I don’t necessarily view it as requited romantically but I think Kabru does care a lot about her #in some ways the romance thing they have is almost like. a way to keep the messiness at arms length? like…#it’s a common joke in world that the caster and the fighter have a thing #and I think it’s probably easier for Kabru to tease and poke at her #(and easier for Rin to be like... the Jealous Girl to his Suave Guy archetype)#than for them to actually talk about the shit they’ve been through and how they feel about each other #anyway 👍

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luck-of-the-drawings · 10 months

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DISTRACTIONS sometimes its the drive to help and save our friends that pushes us to learn and to succeed. unfortunately its normally ''unethical'' to replicate that in a classroom setting. I ONLY JUST FINISHED THE LAST PAGE HERE, THE FIRST TWO WERE LITERALLY FROM LAST YEAR, N A FEW MONTHS APART. LOOOOK AT MY EVOLUTION. im very proud of this and bled REALLY HARD FOR THE LAST PAGE. PLEASE ABSORB THIS.

#gillion tidestrider #jrwi fanart #jrwi show #jrwi riptide #the last page honestly just took super long bc i dropped it for a long while. only recently wiped the dust off o it.#IM RLY PROUD OF ALOT O THINGS ABT THAT LAST PAGE #LIKE THE PERSPECTIVE N THE WIDE SHOTS OR WHATEVER #IT WASNT EASY BUT I MADE IT LOOK GOOD!! IM SO HAPPY WITH IT #I ALSO just really love drawing gillion as soooo small #just a little guy with the weight of the world bolted to his tiny tiny shoulders #n yknow what while im here ill talk abt the first two comics aswell. i like taking inspo from JTHM for this kinda stuff #more specifically SQUEE n the way his dad was just sooo honest and cruel to him. 'yeah its your fault my life sucks' n all that. i imagine #that gillion prolly dealt with alot o that too. i know weve already seen the elders #but i did initially imagine them to be very much like the Tallests from invader zim. they just hate this little guy. hes so small n lame #hes prolly had teachers like that im sure. i like thinkin about gills experience in school!!#i fell in love with him the moment he said that he wasnt good at being a student like girl ME TOOOO WAAAAAA #HE SUCKS In school and everyone is just sooo tired of him but they gotta put up with him bc hes the Chosen One #but GOD they wish they had someone more competent i bet. it was prolly a relief when they banished him #could u imagine being that? someone so insufferable that people sigh in relief when youre gone. poor poor gillion #ANYWAY THATS ALL MY THOUGHTS #TALK ABT UR THOUGHTS IN THE TAGS TOO DIPSHIIITT CMAAAHHNN

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iamfitzwilliamdarcy · 8 months

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something I always found frustrating about women ministry (or whatever we wanna call it I don’t have a better word for it) is all this emphasis on our brokenness and who society tells us to be and body image and being heartbroken and mistreated by boys but God loves us anyway and I just like ….

have never felt those things and I know it’s Out There obviously but if that’s the only way we’re relating to God it just feels… limiting? Not universal?

#I’m not sure exactly how to express this but #I think in trying to relate too much to teen girls and trying to heal them it uh #Almost made those issues more prominant?#I think this goes for dudes too in like those like criminal conversion stories but I’m a girl so that’s what I’m talking about #I think this makes sense

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myfairkatiecat · 1 month

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not my friends being 400x less supportive about me being Christian than I am about them being atheist

#losing my mind right now #we were literally all just talking about a trip the senior class goes on #I said I didn’t want to go #cause I kinda hate the camp #and this girl responds to my message about hating camp #and goes HAHA I HATE CHURCHES #haha get it cause that’s how I feel about churches #and I’m like??? you knew what you were doing when you randomly changed the topic to that directly off of one of my messages #this is a pretty minor example too #it’s just the one that’s sending me over the edge right now #I’m so fed up with it #I’m over here treading on eggshells and trying to not mention religion too much so I can show my respect for your beliefs #and all you want to do is constantly change the topic to how much you hate my religion #but if I say I can’t be friends with someone because of that #then IM the intolerant one!#there’s no way to win.#I wish people were just not like that

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