I hope it saaaaved you
CRYING IN MALIBU
Cause you were lookin <s> for a beeeard<\s>
LMAOO
That was my theory she broke up with him and she was like I’m too gay to get married to a man
And Max is not their type
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Tobiah: “Hey, sleepy chipmunk! Ready to go back outside?”
Tobiah: “Uuuup! Here we go! Let’s look at some birdies, and then see if I can’t get you to say ‘dada,’ hmm, Linus? Say ‘dada!’ ‘Dada!’”
Linus: “Beeeard!”
Tobiah: “Eh, at least we’re getting closer.”
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A Long, Long, String of Dialogue Where I Complain About Something Everyone Likes
AT RISE:
A PROTAGONIST.
PROTAGONIST: Fuck you, I’m no strawman! I love Star Wars! Gimme more of that wonderful mush! Wooooo!
The PROTAGONIST runs offstage, making lightsaber noises.
Could it be... that it’s okay for people to like over-hyped creative oatmeal?
A DISNEY EXECUTIVE enters.
DISNEY EXECUTIVE: Gen-X money is the best money, because they have nothing else to contribute to the world.
WAIT! COME BACK PROTAGONIST! Didn’t you hear that shit? God damn it!
PROTAGONIST re-enters.
PROTAGONIST: Who are you, why do you look so evil?
DISNEY EXECUTIVE: I’m the man who gave Luke Skywalker a beard!
PROTAGONIST: I LOOOOVE BEEEARDS. WOOSH! WOOSH! THIS IS THE GREATEST YEAR THAT HAS EVER HAPPEN. HYPE. HYPE. EPIC. EPIC. AMAZING.
PROTAGONIST exits again, screaming TIE fighter noises.
DISNEY EXECUTIVE: We’re selling “Old Man Luke” beards now. The only reason we gave Luke a beard was because mist 40-50 year-olds can grow them. But those who can’t can take our corporate mandated shortcut! And they’ll thank us.
I respect your evil, but I hate what you’ve done to social media.
DISNEY EXECUTIVE: That’s all I ask.
BLACKOUT. END PLAY.
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