hi y'all, it's officially been 1 year since i started T!

it's been a wild, wild year and, tumblr willing, im gonna share some progress photos.

here's a pic i took right after my first injection vs now. i think the most noticeable yet subtle sign of my transition might be just getting broader & thicker in every aspect and you can tell that down to my face shape & nose & neck.

sideburns, pre t vs now. this in particular makes me so, so happy. and im getting curly beard hairs which means.... i may have a curly beard?? well my mom wins the hair lottery in one way i guess, lol

when i first started noticing chin hairs (i think 2 or 3 months into t?) vs now - kind of have billy goat scruff going on as my body needs to create a neckbeard before a full beard, i guess, but im honestly happy about it. all ive ever wanted was facial hair. and i hope it grows into a massive bushy affair one day. i also definitely have a double chin now and it's honestly very cute & handsome to me.

my happy trail area (and i guess my belly hang, lol), pre t vs now

and some more general body pics (warning, slight but censored ns/fw), pre t vs me now. these..... stun me. not only does the first pic show obvious masculinization of the face but more than that - im bearing up! gaining about 50 to 60 lbs? one of the best things that ever happened to me, and i have t to thank. going from being malnourished for a multitude of reasons to the point it hurt to breathe, vs now being a "big chonker" to my friends. going from being terrified of any sign of being feminine in any way, to practically worshipping my moobs (also hella furry now - but im not posting that here) & learning to accept my hips. feeling like i am not a ghost who cant be touched but a person, maybe a bear today or one day, literally built with fat & muscle to aid & comfort those i care for.

thanks to everyone who has treated me kindly & been accepting over my progress - especially in wishing with all my heart to be a bear. a few years ago i accepted transition as something impossible in texas, and resigned myself to misery with jeers & looks my way, & death threats & isolation. and now.... it feels so opposite. i grin at conservatives looking at me in anger because i know they can be as mad as they want but im still me, and i have a support system, people who treat me so kindly it's made me realize how much goodness really is possible. i used to feel more wraith than alive. now i feel like a wolf with his pack, a fae in his domain. life is a clusterfuck but something ive learned the past while is you must seek the good in it. you must.

and i did.

carmy hand making sprite for his pregnant sister in law tiff and sydney making an omelette for her pregnant sister in law 😭

sydney’s “damn bitch you live like this” pause when she sees carmy’s apartment for the first time is so hilarious when you look at it through her eyes but like sad as hell too. homie has books all over the floor, empty walls, jeans in the oven, just barely any indication that literally anyone lives there at all. and it’s like we know that, we’ve seen carmy’s place before we know that he’s not the type to make a house a home (not because he doesn’t want to, more because he has yet to see the value in longevity) but sydney is really seeing this for the first time. it’s the first time she’s seeing things he’s not telling her and it’s kinda concerning, she obviously wants to ask a million questions but figures if he wants her to know he’ll tell her (healthy boundary!) and that if anything it’s just interesting to step into his head a little.

and it’s notable that carmy doesn’t feel the need to explain I guess? like they’re on a schedule and stuff but overall he just figures she won’t judge which she doesn’t. it’s a comforting space that’s created just in her being there that allows both of them to volunteer information and communicate honestly. she’s not off put by his living space and the way he organizes because she understands. she won’t push for information the same way she doesn’t want to be pushed so it creates trust between them. they both want to know each other fully and completely and are already so accepting of who that person is unconditionally. she loves that mess of a man

Marisa/Kosuzu, 36

Yellowjackets 2x07: Burial / NIV Bible (Matthew 5:39 - Zechariah 13:6 - Matthew 26:28 - Hebrews 9:22 - Colossians 1:20 )

yes i'm rooting for m*leven breakup because byler is neat but mostly? i'm rooting for m*leven breakup for the sake of el and mike.

to me, their romance was always a puppy love born out of a combination of social pressures, naïve curiosity, and a lack of true understanding regarding intimacy and romantic love and what it really is. it was real in that they do truly, deeply care about each other and they are close friends, maybe even shared an attraction, but a maturing romance is so much more than that. they've grown up and out of being boyfriend/girlfriend, and that's okay! i think television/film needs to show more often that most of us don't have definite "soulmates" or first childhood loves that we spend our whole lives with. it doesn't mean these relationships meant nothing and didn't impact us, it just means they've run their course and that something else is in the cards, and this is part of life!

i've always felt el was at her best and most confident self when broken up with mike, discovering who she was and what she liked alongside another girl her age instead of just relying on mike for mentorship on how to live in the real world. she deserves more of an opportunity to find herself, her autonomy, and her independence, and to love who she is, and she's made it clear she's felt insecure in the relationship with mike because she isn't being loved and understood the way she wants, needs, and deserves from someone who is her partner.

also, it's okay if mike doesn't love her in "the way he should". he is not obligated to love her romantically and stay in a relationship with her just because she's a girl, because she "needed someone", or because he cares about her a lot. he shouldn't be pressured into a romance if it's not truly coming from his heart. he deserves freedom to find out and honour who he is, too, instead of just staying in his non-functional first relationship — one he got into as a child, essentially — and defining himself that way because it's what's expected when a boy and a girl are close. he loves her in some way, yes, but it's okay if he doesn't feel comfortable or secure being her boyfriend anymore, for whatever reason that is. he's felt insecure too, and that's valid and it matters.

they are their own people and are steadily growing and changing every day. they need time to figure out who those people are, and it's become clear (at least in my opinion) that those people aren't meant to be a couple at this stage.

they deserve freedom. they deserve to grow up and be authentic to themselves and not feel like they need to lie for the sake of a relationship. they deserve to move on from this version of their relationship that isn't making them happy and rekindle the best part of their bond: their strong, beautiful friendship. they don't have to be a couple if it doesn't make them stronger and better and happier people.

i think it would be healthy and wonderful for a show, especially one consumed frequently by young adults, to show a relationship starting, progressing, and ending on good terms in this way. sometimes things don't work out, and that is okay.

“Carmy has too much baggage and Sydney deserves better than that” is such wild take because you’re essentially just saying that “this person has trauma therefore they aren’t good enough to be loved” and that’s such a fucked up ideology because everyone has and/or has had their own issues but that doesn’t make them unworthy of love. A big part of relationships is the understanding that your partner may have trauma/issues but it will never make them any less worthy of being loved. That’s why sydcarmy is so beautiful, because they see all of each others flaws, issues, and trauma and they love each other regardless

peas and corn käärijä day 8: ööö.....

he got a new outfit!

The way Halsin approves whenever you're silly or play along with children really has me going through it right now.

O_o

that time of year where i remember artagan's gate is right beside byroden (a town based off laredo texas) so artagan's first experience of exandria in over a thousand years was functionally a state fair full of every treat he could imagine.... thinking about him in complete euphoria after gorging on funnel cakes, realizing he feels more at home here than he did in the fae realm <3

i’m a lesbian, but i think my type in fictional male characters is like “man on his way to a panic attack”

think like. carmy from the bear. austin moon in that one episode. conrad fisher from tsitp. billy dunne. finnick odair.

something about man who is about to start shaking and crying is hot idk.

i know it’s quite silly but seeing you know ur limits and not over working urself like very comforting in a way? makes me realise i need to do that a lot more yknow?

trusting your body is one of the hardest things to learn, but one of the most beneficial ones

He is the Jujutsu Kaisen! Wusakabe (Copium)

(some doodles) Anti sea-bear circle referenced

lmao..decided to quickly redraw the adach sprite. boredom

the horrors are inescapable 🤨☝️

kyle rayner can't have id'd himself as anything but cis het in my head before the ring because the way he goes about terry (and andre) kind of sells the entirety of "i am a clueless het guy with good intentions" act so hard it's difficult to ignore.