hi hello salut. do you find that having a tumblr account to promote fanfictions is helpful or do readers find your fics regardless? i am publishing first time ever. thank you greatly, big fan

Yeah, I'd say so.

For one you have another platform to let readers know "hey! there's a new fic of the thing you like!" Not every reader sorts fics on 'most recent' and only go off 'most kudos'ed/viewed/bookmarked'. A new fic will have an incredibly hard time to land a high spot with those filters. Hell, some only go off other people's recs... So any additional place you can let readers know of your fics existence helps.

It also makes it much easier for readers to reblog your fic. If I read a fic and like it, I probably wouldn't make my own post like 'oh this fic i read was really nice'. I would, however, reblog someone's tumblr post. This helps your fic (potentially) read a wider audience.

Just make sure to properly tag your fics so that—even when you don't have many followers—people can still find your fic!

Mia, episode one

Okay, so as I have said numerous times and at length I haven’t seen Mia’s season before.  I can’t stand Noora’s season so I’ve never wanted to watch this one.  But I’m giving it a go because apparently it’s better than Noora’s.  I already really really dislike Alex, though.  He’s gross to the last moments of Hanna’s season so this may be an uphill battle getting me to like him.  Plus, this is likely more a live reaction thing since I really have no idea what’s coming (except that it’s based on Noora’s things)  We shall see.  Anyway, let's get to this:

1. The opening bits just reminds me how ridiculous kissing looks like up close and from the outside.  I don’t know what the point here is, but I’m vaguely uncomfortable rn, so if that’s the intention, then well done I guess!  These tongues are really bothering me for some reason.  Kiki really needs to have more self respect.  I mean, I know she gets there, but this is not it, child.  He’s really not great.

2.  Seeing a shot of the girls: wow I missed these people so much!!!! (It’s been a couple of days, self.  Chill out!!)  Again, this is super pretty.  The colours etc of this scene are lovely.  More cool and cold than Hanna’s (I guess because of the time of year????) but lovely anyway.  I do not like this swinging camera though; it’s making me queasy.  I am also seriously side-eyeing the ‘kissing’ thing between Hanna and Mia.  Like, I want to believe the creators were leaning into the gay vibes the two gave off last season, but... eh.  It feels off a bit.  Still.  Mia’s gaze when she says ‘why not?’ when asked if they should all be lesbians is... well, I think a case can be made that Mia is into Hanna at least.

3.  Oh.  Hans my love.  It seems this place is a mess and disgusting, but aww I do love him!! ‘I’m finished in a second’ - lol.  Poor Mia, but she knew he had a visitor and she pushed her way in anyway.  She deserved to cop what she saw.  But she’s right of course.  If they keep doing the gross clean ups for him, he really will never learn.  I love Hans, but ‘tomorrow’ is waaaaaaay too late in a situation like the one they have here.  He really needs to start thinking about other people!!

4.  Aww I do love Mia and Hanna, and I’m glad we still have their friendship here.  But is this sort of awkward not-quite-hug thing normal in Germany?  None of these people look like they want to hug each other and are just doing it out of some sort of obligation.  I get that between Hanna and the boys (there’s some history there after all), but Mia and them?  Still, it’s nice to see these storylines continuing from season one so fluidly.  Like there’s very little awkward ‘so let’s summarise the previous season in stilted dialogue for you’ and yet new viewers should be able to pick up on what’s going on through context and in the ways they have integrated and alluded to it all.

5.  Alex comes on screen and I’m all ‘ugh’ and then sadly he says some stupid stuff.  Mia is super pretty in this scene, though, and I’m a bit baffled about why they chose to film her in such a gorgeous way and then to put Alex in pale colours against a pale background.  He doesn’t stand out at all.  ‘He’s insecure, he just wants his parents’ attention’ - I kind of like that this is coming from Kiki because she sees him with rose-tinted glasses and so it can be seen as biased and excusing him for no reason.  But since I assume this is heading in the direction that Noora’s did, where William didn’t ever have to change but we were expected to excuse him because we found out bits about his background, I’m also assuming that this is going to be a case of ‘Kiki, while being obsessive and too naïve about him in some ways, was right all along about him’ but I guess we’ll see.  Also, he’s basically with Kiki and yet he’s still looking at Mia like that?  He’s clearly not changed at all since last season.  

6.  I just realised we haven’t had any moments with Mia alone yet and we’re already more than halfway through the episode.  I don’t know where I’m going with that but it’s just interesting.  Hanna was so in her head and by herself so often, and it was really nice to be so tight in with her.  It’s a bit odd to not have that anymore.  I know that the two characters are different but I miss that getting-to-know-you stuff of the main character.

7.  The stuff with Kiki is really good, though.  I like the way her issues are being highlighted but in a way where it’s clear that her thought processes aren’t immediately obvious as toxic.  It’s really good that what she says and does is logical and can be seen as ‘healthy’ and so dismantling that thought process is really important to teach.  Now, I only saw Noora’s season once so I don’t know how much is coming from the original but even if this is coming through from there, I like the way it’s going.

8.  Alex again.  I do not like him.  His attitude to girls is so shitty.  I mean I know this is William’s fault but I still really really do not enjoy this type of guy.  Again he’s shot in faded out and pale colours vs her darker and stronger ones.  I don’t know what the point is, but I assume there is one.  Maybe that she doesn’t really know him and so she’s only seeing a pale and washed out version of him.

9.  Hanna, darling, I’m with you.  I too hate volleyball and when I was at school our PE teachers were obsessed with it and we had to play it FAR too often for my liking.  Also these looks they are giving each other are super gay.  I don’t make the rules!

10.  This Christmas scene is so super cute!!  The colours etc are glorious.  Hans’s little festoon of lights is adorable.  This little hug with Carlos and Kiki; it’s nice to know where that’s going.  She definitely deserves someone like him (someone who is a bit messy and has some faults but who grows and is under it all a loving friend, and above all is someone who genuinely cares about her).  I know 50 billion people have pointed it out, but I love that Matteo is off to the side and away from the group and that although he’s sort of joining in, he’s not a full part of it.  It’s nice the little hints of how his season is going to go.

11.  Boo Alex.  Blackmail isn’t cool.  It wasn’t cool in Hanna’s season and it’s not cool now.  

And we’re at the end.  We still have very little time just with Mia, just this little moment right at the very very end.  I miss that tight PoV and I hope we see more of it soon.  I still really really dislike this type of love interest and this type of romance.  Alex may not be as bad as William (mostly because he’s better acted) but he’s still a few million miles away from any guy I’d want anything to do with romantically.  Let’s see if that changes as we go on.

You ever love someone so much that it hurts? I mean as in, there’s this friend I had, and we kinda of lost touch a few years back for no reason really, never argued, never fought, she was pretty amazing, probably the first time I realized I liked women in the same way I would for a man or any person really. Anyway with this whole COVID thing going on, I tried reconnecting, I’ll skip to where it’s at now, but I’ll say it started off rough, but is a lot better now. With that said, even with them sounding like they’d be down to reignite our friendship, I still feel like it’s me who’s putting most of the effort in. I’m not asking them to match me, I get that they may be busy, but considering they ghosted me the first time for all those years, I always feel I have to go the extra mile in my long messages to them which they say I’m not bothering and they don’t mind, and that they’re sorry for this and that, but I’m not looking for an apology, I never was, I just want them to hug me with their words again like they use to, I know that’s selfish and honestly not sure why I’m sending this to an artist who’s stuff I adore, I guess it’s because I’m scared I’ll wear them down if I keep talking like this to them about it, I haven’t overtly said “I feel sad because all this” I’ve just been sending gifts and words of encouragement their way, which is probably too much, I guess I just have this fear that eventually they’ll ghost me again if I don’t hear back from them soon, maybe it’s a lack of trust in them, or myself? I don’t know, I’ve been such an open book about how I had a crush on them back then, how much I love them, an all that, I don’t want to be overwhelming but I don’t want to feel hurt either? It’s funny because whenever they do reply, my heart feels so much better, gosh I know, I sound so desperate and needy, I’ve been a bit better at lower it down, an internally I’m not as depressed as I was about it, though I still am. I just want them to be real with me, I was about to breakdown over it on Monday, I was gonna tell them how sad I’ve been feeling and they finally replied before I hit send, they apologized again, an I feel like such an asshole because that’s not what I’m asking for or want them to feel, I just love them, idk why I’m rambling anymore, I know I’m super shitty in all this, I totally get it, I just don’t want send this anywhere near them.

Uh, wow Anon. I almost feel bad replying to this because I have to publish it. You may be better off sending me direct messages so we could keep this private for your sake.

Anyway, I’m not really sure where to start with this. Your story has notes that resonate with me in multiple ways. I lost my childhood best friend that I also realized I had feelings for when we were children (two women as well.) We never reconnected however, and I doubt we ever will. I’ll try to give you my best advice, based on what I’ve learned from those experiences.

I suppose, number one would be don’t assume everything is about you. I don’t say this in a way that I believe you’re being intentionally selfish, but rather I believe we can get so caught up in our feelings that we forget that the people we love and cherish so much have other relationships and a whole life outside of their bond and relationship with us. If you become too focused on how she’s not reciprocating things in a way that would make you feel more comfortable or loved, you can... distort your heart, of sorts. Feeding that insecurity will drive you to treat this person like an object unintentionally- as a thing to have and keep- rather than a person, who should be respected and given space when needed. This is absolutely vital, and one of the many reasons I lost my old best friend.

Here’s the reality of it. Chances are you will wear her down if you’re constantly looking for reassurance or even bombarding her with gifts. You shouldn’t be putting all of that onto one person because it’s exhausting for one person to have to “keep you afloat” so to speak. Your insecurity about her disconnecting from you again could in of itself drive her away if you’re not careful. Quite honestly I’ve thought about this extensively as it would be a similar scenario if my old friend came back to me. You have to understand though that people have lives outside of you and thusly so you should have a life outside of her. If you guys click again naturally then it will happen, if it doesnt- it doesnt. Keep focused on multiple aspects of your life. Things you enjoy, things you study, your job, different friends, etc etc and the rest will fall into place. It’s already great that you’ve spoken some, but if she’s quiet try to understand why that may be. It’s okay to reach out once in a while but don’t try to pry personal details out of her either, because it may be none of your business. Trust that she may be going through something, and if it’s something to do with you she’ll come forward and talk to you about it, and if it’s not then respect her space and her privacy.

Which brings me to my second point, don’t chase people. I know it took me a long time to understand this. You always hear that “if somethings important to you go after it” while at the same time you hear things like “if you love something set it free” and they contradict each other. When it comes to relationships, it’s 50/50 no matter what. You can’t push 75 and hope somehow it will work out while they’re only giving 25. It’s not fair to you. Really, that’s where self love starts.

I’m not perfect by any means. I still check on my old friend from time to time but I’m being firm with myself from now on to no longer contact them as they have stressed that they don’t want me to. I worry about her still as I know she has health issues but I’m trying to respect a boundary- as should you. Personal boundaries are fundamental.

Just be happy that you’ve established a reconnection and don’t over think anything else right now. Think about her perspective and do other things to ease your anxious thoughts about your relationship rather than bombard her with text.

Hope that helps some (and thanks for being a fan of my art lol)

Young & Dangerous

Platonic!Steve Rogers x Reader

Request: “I have a request regarding the OG Avengers. Let's say reader is the youngest member on the team, maybe still a minor, and despite having already proved themselves, they feel inferior to the rest of the team. Fluffy reassurance is needed, maybe with Steve or anyone else you care to write about at the moment. But no romance with this one please.”

Word Count: 1,310

Genre: Fluff | Angst | Platonic

Warnings: Language, Self deprecation, Not feeling good enough

A/N: ANOTHER ONE wow look at this!!! I’m feeling a lot better so hopefully I can just constantly write and post stuff! This request didn’t specify a gender, so I made it gender neutral. I have some requests that I still need to write, but I’ll still take new ones! It just might take a hot minute until I write them. I’m a very slow writer, as you all can probably tell lol. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this one!

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This was just another day of you being curled up in a ball under your comforter, wondering why you were even living in the Avengers Tower with the greatest heroes on Earth. It didn’t matter to you that you’ve proven yourself time and time again to the others, you just didn’t feel good enough. Ever. A lot of your insecurities stemmed from the other Avengers being so much older than you. Since you were only sixteen, you felt like an inadequate member of the team. I mean, come on. Steve was in triple digits and Thor was in quadruple digits. And you just got the okay to drive- as long as you got a permit and had six months of driving with a guardian under your belt. Tying in with the age inferiority, your experience was far less than theirs. While they were out stopping bad guys and training to become super spies, you were sitting in gym class watching Captain America tell everyone the importance of being able to do twenty-five push-ups and run a mile. You may have had an interesting and hard to beat power, but you weren’t experienced enough. You were horrified you would mess up someday and engulf the entirety of your team in flames.

You honestly just had a ridiculous amount of doubts about yourself, and the rest of the Avengers noticed. They also noticed that today was classified as one of your “bad days,” but so far this “bad day” has been a “bad week.” You weren’t training. If you came to the kitchen to get food, you wouldn’t say anything more above “hey” or “hi,” and then you’d go right back to your room. You would proceed to stay there for the rest of the day and all throughout the night.

“I just don’t get it,” Nat says, arms crossed as she stares down the hallway toward your room. “Come on, I’m sure when you were younger you sometimes felt like you weren’t good enough. It’s teenager stuff,” Steve answers her, although he also doesn’t understand why you would be like this. “Well, yes, but (Y/N) can literally shoot fire from their fingertips. They’ve made it pretty obvious to us that they’re capable of taking on like, 15 men at once and beating all of them. Their age shouldn’t make them feel like this, it just doesn’t make sense.” “I know that, Nat. So does Tony, Banner, Barton, and Thor but (Y/N) just focuses on their flaws. It honestly reminds me of when I was that age. Believe it or not, I didn’t always look like this, and I always doubted myself. We just handle it in different ways. I would try as hard as I could to push the thoughts of being inferior and smaller than everyone else out of my mind, always standing up for what I believed in and never backing down from a fight even though I would get absolutely pummeled in them. (Y/N) just succumbs to their thoughts and can’t do anything but feel like they aren’t good enough,” Steve tells Nat, who raises her eyebrow. “You know they had before and after pictures of you, right? For science? I know what you looked like but that’s beside the point. You sound like you know exactly what (Y/N)’s going through. Why don’t you go talk to them?”

“You think I should?” “Yeah, I mean, our elders are wiser than us after all. And you’re like, literally almost 100 years older than they are,” Nat pokes fun at him, and he smiles and rolls his eyes. “You know I look pretty good for a man going on 102 years old,” he tells her and she scoffs. “Just go talk to them, Rogers.”

“Okay, okay. I’m going,” he says, walking away from Nat with a grin on his face. She smiles, walking to the living area convinced that he can definitely help you out. You hear a gentle knock on your door, and you sigh muttering a quiet, “Come in.” You hear your door open and then close, but you’re facing the opposite direction so who just entered is beyond you. Until you hear him speak. “Hey, Hot Shot. You doing okay?” you hear Steve ask, and you turn to look at him. “Does it look like I’m doing okay?”

“No, no it doesn’t,” he says, walking over to your desk to grab you chair. he pulls it out, then straddles the back of it with a sigh. “So, you’re feeling down.”

“Oh my god stop it, I don’t need a lecture from Captain America I get that enough at school,” you say, but a small smile appears on your lips. “Well then how about a lecture from your good friend, Steve Rogers?” he suggests, and you roll your eyes. “Fine.” You sit up, pulling your legs to your chest as he moves over to sit on your bed with you. “What’s got you so down, kid?”

“It’s just… I don’t know. You guys are all just so… good at being heroes. If I mess up even a little bit I’ll just bring death and destruction to everyone in my general area. Not to mention you guys are all actual adults and I’m literally a child. I’m still in high school, Steve. High school. You went to high school in like, the 1930’s. I’m just not… good enough for this. I’m dangerous and young and stupid and not good enough to be considered an Avenger, let alone live in the Avenger’s Tower.”

Steve nods, analyzing everything you just said before starting to talk. “Well, (Y/N), you’re just as good as us. In fact, do I need to tell you how many times you’ve saved all of us? Because I know. And it’s a lot. Just because you’re younger than us doesn’t mean you aren’t good at what you do. I know your powers can be dangerous and destructive, but have you lost control of them yet? No, you haven’t. You’re a strong-willed person and I’ve never seen someone with as much control over what they can do as I have when I see you fight. Not even Banner knows how to control his powers like you can control yours. I know how hard it can be, feeling like you just aren’t good enough. I felt like that for 20 years of my life, and I still fell like that sometimes. But I can assure you that no one here thinks you aren’t good enough. Except for yourself. When we saw what you could do, we brought you onto the team because we saw how amazing you really were. We saw a drive in you that was so much stronger than any of ours. You really shouldn’t put yourself down so much, because you’re quite literally the most impressive and amazing member on this team.”

You look at him, tears threatening to escape your eyes. “But what if I-”

“(Y/N), you’re enough. All of these ‘what if’s’ are just your insecurities making you overthink what you do. Sure, feeling like you aren’t good enough is a normal feeling, but anytime you feel like that you need to tell yourself that you are good enough. Because you are,” he tells you, and you feel a tear roll down your cheek. You quickly wipe it away, giving him a small smile. “Thank you, Steve.”

“Any time kid. Now, what do you say we go get you something to eat,” he suggests, standing up from your bed. You follow suit, feeling much better about yourself. Knowing you had support from the rest of your team really helped improve how you saw yourself, even if your mind made you doubt your abilities many times. You still had a long way to go before accepting yourself totally, but this was a good start.

reading this book “women who love too much” has already really helped me and made me see the ways i’ve put myself thru shit that’s been super self sacrificing and fr just negligent towards myself. and w the whole anthony shit i still find my ego/insecurity trying to blame myself for us not talking anymore. like “maybe if i just rode it out more we would still be talking” or like “maybe if i had asked for less we would still be together” (not like TOGETHER TOGETHER bc we were never dating....but u kno). and i have to remind myself that i truly was not asking for anything out of the ordinary. like rereading the message i sent him from my notes , i was not asking for anything extra. i was simply asking for common courtesy/decency. but bc of this book i’ve realized how much i’ve tried to make myself smaller and been self sacrificing just to feel “loved”. like in some ways i did learn in a healthy way to not ask for too much too quickly, but i also see now that part of that was me getting better (in a bad way) at asking for less just to be “easier to handle”. and i don’t wanna do that anymore. i deserve so much and even tho there’s that voice in my head that tries to tell me that’s not the case i know i do. i know that there is someone out there that will give me anything i ask for......without me even asking for it? they’ll just WANT TO give that to me. i was talking to vanessa yesterday and i found myself STILL making excuses for anthony for whatever reason? like “oh he’s been thru so much blah blah blah”. but .....so have i? and i’ve been able to open my heart up to others. too much tho fr , like i wouldn’t say i’m the best example, but even still i can share myself more than a lot of the guys that have hurt me. i always make excuses for guys like that. maybe because it’s easier to do that than admit that they prolly just didn’t care abt me lol. like w chad, even still when talking to vanessa i found myself repeating that same “bUt Im SuRe He DoEs CaRe AbT mE hE jUsT dIdNt KnOw HoW tO sHoW iT” bullshit, but fr in reality he most likely didn’t??? i think it’s the same pattern of guys liking how i show affection and give my time and my attention to them, but not actually ME. and while it’s their fault for using me for that, at the end of the day it’s on me for giving myself so selflessly without asking for any proof of sincerity beforehand. like i would completely give myself to someone if i liked them. and more often than not, i would like anyone i talked to enough to do that. it’s never been abt if i REALLY like them, jus “do they like me”.. to prove to myself that i’m worth “it”. i don’t quite know what the “it” is, but i’ve put myself thru so much and been thru the same patterns. it’s not that i haven’t learned these lessons, it’s that my trauma bonds and shit run so deeply i haven’t fully understood them, therefore i’ve been acting out of knee jerk reactions and subconscious motives than out of genuine emotion. i find one guy to obsess over, and we’re “SO GREAT”, and then he inevitably pulls away and we stop talking n then it’s onto the next person i can pour myself ENDLESSLY into. it sucks to admit and i still don’t fully understand it, but apparently toxic men can smell that shit from a mile away which is why i’ve been attracting the same. fucking. types. of . guys.

and fr that’s why me and pablo broke up. bc i wanted him to change and he did not want to change. i don’t even think he actually broke up w me “to be w his other gf” like i thought before. i think it was more abt me trying to help him in an overbearing way and he didn’t want my help he wanted me to keep enabling him. and then i assume bc hes a deeply lonely person, he ended up getting too lonely for him to handle and wanted the type of person he knew would enable his alcoholism (mixed w his low self esteem , aka why he would go back to someone that fucked all his friends bc that’s prolky the only love he really feels like he deserves) n that person jus wasn’t me. which all in all is a very good thing. bc we shouldn’t be together. hurts to say this, but same w me and anthony. me and him shouldn’t be together either. bc i was telling myself “oh maybe if i could help him and he get over his drug addiction we would have a great relationship”. and tbh i still think that’s the case, HOWEVER, he is not that fantasy person i wanted to see. he’s a self deprecating, drug addict w low self esteem and i wanted to “fix” him. bc fr if he was the fantasy guy i saw, i prolly wouldn’t even have been attracted to him like i was. which is most likely why i felt like things were “boring” w morgan. or like i wasn’t thT attracted to her.....bc she is a self sufficient, loving, mature woman and, w my childhood trauma , that isn’t as attractive to me. bc i couldn’t “fix” her since she was already solid and mature. obvi not perfect. but she was trying really hard w me. and i think that healthy shit jus rlly scared me. i was being self sabotaging, and even tho PART of it was me not being over pablo, i think i said that was the reason a whole lot more than it was in reality. i miss anthony tbh but i don’t think i do the way i think i do. bc there’s no genuine allure fr. he’s cute and intelligent ........but that’s abt it if we’re being honest?? dick game NOT that good, drug addict, doesn’t fr care abt me, and overall just immature in every way. i think it’s my ego/self sabotaging side that misses him bc even me missing him feels strong , it feels cheap.

also, i need to let go of this bullshit hope that one day these lil boys will regret how they treated me (and the lowkey desire that they’ll run back to me crying abt how they treated me) bc it’s not healthy fr. the reality is, they are low vibration/egotistical ppl and they’re just self centered. they’ll prolly never realize completely bc they’ll just rationalize the way they treated me (and other girls i’m sure lol). like that “but she was bein crazy” bullshit. and even if they DID realize it, they most likely would not come back to me apologizing bc that would take a whole lot of (1) reflecting and (2) taking responsibility. which fr, none of the men i’ve messed w are capable of lol.

and even tho i’m realizing a lot of the err of my ways, i know that i am not where i need to be regardless. like in the book , this woman was describing her experience w this guy named gary and she basically said that even tho she knows this pattern and is aware of it, she can’t start dating again bc she knows that if she did she’d “jus go out and find another ‘Gary’”. and i think that’s very true for me too. she also said she was doing what she’d never done before and making HERSELF a project instead of another guy . i need to jus sit w my uncomfortable loneliness while i work on myself and give my energy to myself .

Changes

~4/21? I think my mindset shifted a lot this past week, especially after staying with Matt and his family for a few days. Admittedly, I used to be very fearful of going outside to public spaces and be extra cautious every time I did take out. For example, my family and I have “outside clothes” and “inside clothes”. I would immediately toss my “outside” clothes into my laundry basket when I arrived home from the market or picking up food, even if I was out for just 5 minutes. My parents were against me doing any uber eats or takeout. They believed home cooked food was the best during this time and refused to eat non-homemade food. My mom left the house less than 2 times this past month. My dad is less fearful - he’s gone out multiple times a week (to buy food and for work) and doesn’t really care, but my mom and I always gave him shit for doing so. I felt like a huge hypocrite going out to see Matt, and was afraid of how my family would react. 

I’m really awkward whenever talking about love or romantic partners with my family - especially after what happened with my last parter. I’m avoidant. So I ended up only telling my mom I was going to leave to see Matt 30 minutes before I actually did pack up to go, which was very bad on my part. She was heartbroken and was super fearful and asked “can you not?”. She later called me during the car ride and told me not to come home for a month. Hearing that made Matt feel guilty, and he called my mom’s idea stupid. We got into a huge argument, with me trying to defend my family. I found out later there was some underlying resentment, where he felt like my family treats him like second-rate, which is probably my fault because I choose not to talk about partners to my family. 

4/25- it’s now been over a week that Matt has been home and I’ve seen his family every single day even on the days that we were staying at the Airbnb. Things have been kinda tense between us (I think he’s being mean to me, he thinks I’m mean to him). I realize that this is due to several issues:

- Quarantine/pandemic stresses: he’s a frontline worker in the epicenter of covid and working at one of the hardest hit hospitals. Even though he doesn’t verbally acknowledge his feelings and pretends he’s ok, he’s definitely more stressed out than usual. During this time, he’s even more sensitive to any criticism I have. He used to take it all (mostly), but he’s been retaliating more often recently. On his end, he feels that his whole life is a sacrifice, and he’s working extremely hard especially during this scary time - why do I have to criticize him during his vacation? I should just let him enjoy himself. 

-Attention: We’re staying with his family during this time, so it’s his time to catch up with everyone. He’s also catching up with his friends online. Because these are the people he rarely talks to (he calls me everyday vs. calling family for like 5 min once a week, and never calling/texting his friends), I have become last on the priority list in attention during his vacation. I keep telling myself it’s fine. However, because I’m also the person he is closest to, I feel like it’s me who puts up with his shit the most. Then I question, why do I have to be so nice to someone who is not very fit as a good partner (due to residency, especially during a time like covid), and on top of that has to be rude to me? I started feeling salty about that. 

- Lack of comfort: not to be ungrateful, but I realize that staying at someone else’s home for an extended period of time is stressful, even more so under quarantine. I’m not carefree at his home, and I feel like I have to be on my best behavior/ “professional” around his parents. I lose structure in my daily life and I always have to depend on someone else. I have a few articles of clothing I’m wearing over and over lol. His dad generously gave us his room (because it’s attached to a restroom). However, we’re sleeping on an old spring mattress that creeks with every movement. We’ve had to have quiet, inhibited sex lol. 

Anyway, I’m PMSing - 6 days before my period. I hate that I tend to PMS during the times that we have to spend together. I know my concerns are legit, but PMS can make it seem worse/more dramatic than what it is. I was watching Insecure season 4 yesterday, and there was a scene that stuck out to me. Issa’s best friend Molly (who has been single for quite some time) started dating a guy that she really likes. A few weeks later, she got upset that he wasn’t opening up to her. Issa asked something along the lines of “do you actually wanna be happy? you keep looking for problems.” Hearing that kinda put things into perspective for me, as I tend to focus on the negatives than see things as a whole.

Let’s focus on positive things:

- Having a partner in healthcare feels like having the fastpass in an amusement park. Going to costco and beating the line. Free stuff/food everyday. His mom is a PT at USC and she’s received free food, free orchids, free tangerines, etc. I stopped feeling guilty about being out for non-essential things (like going out for take out multiple times a day), because my doctor partner deserves it. When I return to my life at home, I’m not going to do this anymore. Also, he had a healthcare worker discount at the north face, and bought a jacket for me, his mom, and himself.

- Running. The men in his family are all into running. His dad is almost mid-60s and runs 5 miles multiple times a week. His teenage brother runs 7-9 miles like everyday. Matt used to run a lot too, and was the top runner in high school. That’s why even though he’s fat now, it’s only his upper body that is actually fat. His lower body still has that runner’s physique. I went out to the trail with them 3 times already. It’s hard because I have allergies in this weather, and also it’s damn hot. But I was able to run 3.5 miles last time. I’ll try for 4 today. 

- Everyday, his parents always ask him what I want to eat. They’re so accommodating, especially his dad. Tea is sacred to his dad, and he never really shared before. No one else in his family was interested in tea either. But because I showed interest and love tea, he’s been asking me multiple times a day - do you want tea? Do you want wine? LOL. He buys breakfast everyday - dimsum, burger king, mcdonalds, chinese breakfast, etc. They always make sure I am fed.

4/30 - after I wrote my last blurb, everything started going uphill. We both became more understanding of each other, and more forgiving. He became more relaxed, I became more relaxed. We were able to have fun again. to highlight the fun times that i had with him and his family:

- the first or second day i was over at his parents house, his dad offered me some tea, but i declined because it was already late and i was afraid i wouldn’t be able to sleep. i asked if we could take some tea leaves to go since were staying at an airbnb at the time. matt says he’s protective of his tea. i think he was a little shocked when i first asked him, because no one in his family is interested in tea, but he gave me like 2 bags initially. his mom was like GIVE HER MORE, GIVE HER 10. SHE IS LIKE FAMILY. i felt a little awkward but i love me some tea. 

- did so. much. takeout in 13 days. the first couple days I was still kinda paranoid about going out, but by the last day it felt like NBD to me. Got to eat poke, sugarfish sushi, nabemono hot pot, pho x3, banh mi, boba everyday, ramen x2 (men oh, ramenhood), burgers x3 (in n out, bunz, the win-dow), sugar cane x2, taro cake, yin ji chang fen, thai, philz, dim sum etc. it was reminiscent of our lifestyle whenever we went on vacation. we were still fatasses during quarantine. 

- played board games with his brother and mom. played poker with the family and his dad. his younger brother and i lost early on cause we suck, but he and his dad continued playing for another hour and a half or so - matt ended up winning. but it was very nice to see them spend time together as spending time playing games like that was never a thing in their family

- i helped his family take some cute family photos (with and without masks on). his mom likes taking family photos and usually gets to do so on family trips, but said they didn’t get any this year because of the quarantine. the boys aren’t big fans of photos either so she took advantage of me being there. i was also part of a few family photos!

- made charcuterie boards for his family. they really enjoyed it. 

- i spent some quality time with his 88 year old grandma. she mostly does her own thing (which is being babysat by an ipad), but one day i made her draw with me by following youtube tutorials - we drew a flower, mickey mouse, a cat, and a monkey together. she asked me to save a video so she can continue doing it and get better. another day, i wanted to have her write/read in english and chinese. his mom found an elementary chinese workbook and she ended up teaching me. the material was very easy and she was like “uh you’re already very good” lol. i then switched the roles and asked her to write in english - she was surprisingly very good and could write quite quickly. as an assignment, i asked her to write a letter to matt. it was precious. it took me back to the days where i would teach english to chinese seniors. i took a pic of them using my instax camera, and she really loved it. 

- watched farewell with his grandma, brother, and mom. we already watched it once before so he was sitting in the back only paying half attention. his brother was immediately into it and got emotional at times. at one point, he had to stand up and go towards the back of the room because the emotions were too much to handle. matt said his brother was tearing up. his mom said that watching their family was very relatable and it reminded her of her own family. i tried watching this film with my mom and grandma, but they didn’t get it and found it boring. it was nice to watch a chinese-american film with a chinese family to get that commentary.

- ran/walked/jogged at the trail a total of 20 miles during my stay there

- did home work outs - yoga, blogilates and peloton HIIT with him, his family and friends. we did echo park steve’s yoga one day too. his mom enjoyed peloton yoga and blogilates and asked me to save the videos for her. 

- in the first few days, his mom kept repeating “life is beautiful”. the first day, we cheered to him still being alive lol. (not funny and his mom was sleepless a few nights due to worrying, but i think it’s gonna be ok)

- news so I can remember: 3 programs in cali reached out to matt during his vacation, asking if he’s still interested in interviewing for a PGY-2 program. loma linda was one of them and would have been an amazing program to be a part of. it was a very hard decision, but he declined. he had already signed a contract with brooklyn, and this would require him to speak to his program director about his interest in switching programs. not a good look if you don’t actually get into the program. 

- his parents (moreso mom) is an avid, adventurous traveler. they had plans to go to africa this year and talked about rescheduling. she included matt and i in the plans to go next year and said “the four of us”. matt brought up norway instead, since that’s more doable. so we settled on going to norway as a family. 

- went with matt’s dad to drop him off at LAX yesterday morning at like 6:30am. he then dropped me at home, and officially met my mom for the first time. they shook hands and he told my mom “connie is so nice”. LOL. 

After coming home yesterday, my mom bombarded me with questions about matt and his family. and then asked about our future and whether we are thinking of marriage. she is against me moving to nyc during this pandemic, and i hate how uncertain everything is right now. she also thinks that i should be engaged before i uproot my life to move over to be with him. i agree to an extent, but i also understand if he is not ready. it is crazy that we have now been long distance longer than being together in person, and with this pandemic, i’m not sure how long that’s gonna continue. i found out that my mom feels ashamed of me going to stay at a boy’s house for that long. a boy i am not engaged/married to. she doesn’t say it but the actions make me seem slutty to traditional people. she hid the information from my brother and SIL - i think because she would be ashamed if the info leaked out to her parents. that is why she keeps pushing the idea of marriage/engagement on me. 

I took yesterday to kinda get used to being back at home, and felt quite sad to detach from my “second family”. In a way, even though it wasn’t always comfortable or easy, I at least felt I wasn’t stagnant. It was like a “bootcamp” to fit in with someone else’s family, their routines, and their daily lives. I’m also happy that I was pushed to run. They eat pretty heavy food, and they all overeat, but they also exercise a lot. My family portions well and eats very clean, but has milder workouts. Sometimes they intentionally skip meals to lose/maintain weight, whereas my family would throw a fit if we didn’t have food at a certain time. Their family is larger (130-190lbs), whereas my family is like (110-150 lbs)? After coming back home and eating my mom’s very clean food, I felt it wasn’t as tasty and I started craving heavier food lol. I think it would be beneficial for me to eat/live like their family for a few months (to gain weight and be stronger), and for matt to eat like my family to lose weight. 

When we were eating takeout ramen one day, his mom mentioned that he never used to eat carbs. When he was at home and had a workout routine, it was just protein and veggies. I realize that without me, he probably wouldn’t be such a fatass lol. He said he would probably be too lazy to go out to eat, especially if he didn’t have a partner. I remembered that before meeting me, his diet would be soylent and protein bars. We’ve come a long way.

Anyway, I’m finally getting back into my routine at home. It’s kinda boring now, but I’ll adjust. I did only the minimum for work these past two weeks, and now UC Path is down for a week, meaning I can’t really do much work. I’m taking a half day tomorrow, using COVID admin pay. My tomato plants grew a lot. My ginger may have sprouted a little, but my strawberries seem like they’re a fail. Finally applied for PUA for my uncle, hope he will be receiving a paycheck soon. Supposed to get my period really soon so I’ve been feeling pretty lazy. I may start running outside on my own. 

I’m worrying less about covid now. I used to freak myself out by reading the news everyday and following the subreddit, but looking at statistics, I feel ok.