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synonym-for-life · 7 years

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Heeeey, Heey Baby! (Hu, Ha!)

I felt like you deserved to read something funny again as I’ve only been writing angst and porn lately. If you don’t know the Hey Baby song by DJ Otzi yet...I don’t even know what to say. It’s iconic. Go listen.

Draco was sleeping. Deeply. Blissfully. He was warm and content. Comfortable.

Unfortunately, he was also very unwillingly waking up. His mind was slowly becoming more and more aware of the faint tap followed by an even softer plop that sounded against his window every now and then.

He opened his eyes. An even louder tap sounded against the window accompanied by the sound of two muffled male voices coming from somewhere below the balcony. The owners of the voices obviously thought they were being quiet judging by the stage whisper quality of the sound. Whispers my ass, Draco huffed. They would wake a basilisk from its sleep.

He got out of the warm embrace of the bed and grumpily put on his nightgown. If it was that village drunkard with his equally inebriated friend again, he swore he’ll be calling the Aurors on them. Enough was enough.

He strode to the balcony door, opened it and stepped out into the warm summer night air.

‘’What in Merlin’s mighty melon sized balls is goin -- ‘’

He stopped mid his own stage whispered yell as his gaze fell to a very tall, very red haired man who was only staying upright because he was supported by a very familiar black haired, brown skinned, bespectacled idiot. Said idiot was simultaneously holding the stumbling redhead in place and trying to pick up another stone from the ground. Presumably to throw it at the window again.

Draco sighed heavily as he leaned against the railing defeated. There will be no need to call the Aurors; two of them were already here and if the law was to be acknowledged they’d have to arrest themselves.

‘’What the hell are you two doing under the bloody balcony in the middle of the night?’’

Instead of getting a comprehensive response, Harry upon noticing him shook Ron wildly and pointed in Draco’s direction whispering ‘’Ohmigod, Ron. He’s here.’’ His eyes were wide and his outstretched hand unsteady. Draco opened his mouth to say something, but before he could get anything out, he heard Potter mutter ‘one two three’ under his breath waving his hand downwards on the count of three as he puffed hi chests out, opened his mouth and practically screamed ‘’HEEEEY, HEEY BABY!’’

‘’HU, HA!’’ Weasley helpfully bellowed. Apparently, he was taking over the role of a backup singer.

Draco was taking over the role of a martyr.

‘’I WANNA KNOOOOOOOW IF YOU’D BE MY GIRL.’’ There, Harry stopped abruptly looking confused. He turned to Ron, who was still singing ‘hu, ha’ under his breath and shouted ‘’NO!’’ directly at his face.

Weasley made a face ‘’Wha-?’’

Wide eyed and disappointed Harry responded ‘’Rooon! ‘S wrong, the song. He’s not a girl! Ohmigod, you think he’ll hate me now?’’ He looked on the verge of tears. ‘’I don’t want ‘im to be my girl Ron. I want ‘im to be my boyfriend.’’

Draco wondered exactly how many gallons of beer accompanied by stronger shots were needed to bring them both to this state.

‘’Potter!’’ he shouted. ‘’I’m right here and I can literally hear every word you say!’’ Harry’s eyes widened even more while Weasley continued looking completely unfazed. In fact, Draco was contemplating whether Weasley had even noticed him yet.

In that exact moment Ron’s mouth fell wide open and he looked like something really brilliant dawned on him. Draco feared for what was coming next.

‘’Haaaary! I fixed it! I fixed it!’’ he looked so happy Draco couldn’t even begrudge him what came next. Ron tilted his head upwards and started singing at the top of his voice ‘’HEEEEEY, HEEY BABY!’’

‘’HU, HA’’ Harry said with such vigour he swayed dangerously.

‘’I WANNA KNOOOOOOOW IF YOU’D BE MY BOY?!’’ He turned to Harry presumably in hopes of him recognizing his brilliance.

He wasn’t disappointed; Harry’s mouth fell open and he gasped in awe ‘’Ohhhh! Ronnn! You fixed it!’’ They then looked at each other knowingly and turned to face Draco in unison.

Uh, oh.

‘’HEEEEY, HEEY BABY!’’

‘’HU!

‘’HA!’’

‘’I WANNA KNOOOOOOOOOOW IF YOU’D BE MY BOOOOY?!’’

Then they suddenly stopped. Apparently the song either ended there or they didn’t know the rest of the lyrics.

Or neither of the above, Draco realized as he noticed Harry looking up at him full of endearing hope smiling expectantly and quite clearly awaiting an answer. Oh dear Merlin, he was wooing him.

Draco’s head dropped onto his forearms resting on the railing. There was some scuffling below him and he heard Potter demand quietly ‘give ‘em to me’. He raised his head and behold: In his hands, Potter was clutching what had to be the ugliest most unfortunately rumpled bouquet Draco had ever seen in his life. In fact, it looked very much like lettuce with a few giant roses included in the mess.

Draco narrowed his eyes. Those roses looked suspiciously familiar.

‘’Harry…’’ he said with wariness in his voice, ‘’where are those roses from?’’

A dark hand carefully pointed in the direction of the neighbour garden. Draco’s regard followed the line of the pointing finger towards the exact rosebush he most feared the flowers came from. The bush was all bent and rumpled. It looked exactly as if two grown men had just fallen into it. Draco closed his eyes and counted to ten.

‘’Harry,’’ he said as calmly as possible, ‘’you do realise those are Mrs Prickletosh’s roses?’’ there was a definite strain in his voice. ‘’You know, the lady who talks to her rose bushes as if they were her only love in the world and has actually hexed children for smelling them.’’

Harry’s eyes went wide with fear and he looked around wildly while Weasley stilled completely as if smelling trouble.

Potter looked up at him and with a tremor in his voice softly said ‘’Oh shit. Your neighbour is Mrs Prickletosh too?’’

‘’Bloody hell!’’ Draco shouted throwing his arms in the air not even caring who heard anymore. ‘’POTTER! YOU FUCKING LIVE HERE!’’ Harry’s jaw dropped open as Draco continued ‘’We’ve been together for years, you tit.’’

Harry just stood there for a second, jaw open and tears of wonder in his eyes, then he grabbed an extremely confused Ron around his midriff, lay his head on his chest and proceeded to sob into it. ‘’Ohmigod, Ron. He already is my boyfriend. He already loves me.’’

Draco rubbed at his temples tiredly, but he couldn’t deny that his heart skipped a beat at Harry’s mention of love. Love him he did. Stupidly, unexpectedly, preposterously and -- unconditionally.

Harry was still sobbing into Ron’s chest as Weasley awkwardly patted his back muttering something like ‘why you crying ‘bout love, mate’.

Draco ‘s lips cured up into a warm smile.

‘’For Merlin’s sake, get your two sorry asses inside, you tossers.’’

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killrqueen7 · 7 years

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Day 2- AU/Crossover

For: Nygmobblepot Week 2017

AO3 link

Summary: Ed wakes up cold and alone in someone's lab, with no memory of the last three months.

Note: Mine's a close-to-canon, canon-divergent AU. By that, I mean that this could still be a plausible explanation for Isabella's character and Ed's drastic character change imo. Enjoy! (Also sorry if Oswald seems a little OOC at the end there. I just wrote an essay as well and I’m very tired.)

When Edward opened his eyes, everything was a blur. His head hurt and his body ached with the feeling of having been in one, unnatural position for too long. The first thing that came to his mind was Oswald. Oswald. I have plans with Oswald. Wine for Oswald.

He tried to move, but found it difficult. He was inside some kind of glass tube, and he was naked. A single fluorescent light hung by its cords, flashing and flickering and increasing Ed’s anxiety as everything else was just a series of dark, blurry masses. Ed felt around the edge of the tube for anything he could grab and open. Soon, the pads of his fingers found a crack in the glass and he scrambled to try and pry it open. After a few futile attempts, his fingers began aching and Ed really panicked, hitting the glass with his palms and screaming for help.

Edward finally realized it was useless. No one was coming to save him. No one could hear him. Ed closed his eyes and thought, tapping his temple with his middle finger and trying to calm his breathing.

He was breathing. There was oxygen coming into the tube somehow. Ed’s eyes snapped open and he looked up. His hands searched for anything along the top that could be bringing in oxygen. To his disappointment, there were no tubes or openings so he looked down. His hands felt around the wet and sticky floor and he hissed when pain blossomed in his right index finger and he saw red bubble up on his skin. Something had cut him. That meant the glass had been broken toward the bottom of the tube. There was a hole and it was letting in oxygen.

Carefully, Ed felt the side of the tube again and his heart did a flip when he felt the sharp, jagged edges of a hole. Ed pushed along the edges of the hole and clenched his jaw when he heard the telltale sound of glass splitting, becoming weaker. This wasn’t going to be pleasant, but Ed knew he was going to have to risk it.

So, he crouched down and covered his head with one arm while the other tenderly and cautiously reached over and pushed outward against the glass. He heard it split up the side and drew his arm back as quickly as he could when it shattered around hm.

Ed cried out as he was sliced open along his back and upper arms, but was also thankful nothing had punctured anything vital. Small miracles.

As gingerly and slowly as he could, Ed crept out of his spot, praying to anything that would listen that he wouldn’t slice his foot open on the remnants of the tube. He had to get to a pair of glasses. He also needed to get to a phone, but the glasses were first. As he got closer to it, he could just make out the shape of a desk under the flickering of the light. Calling it his best bet, he began searching through the drawers. He cursed when he didn’t find anything and began carefully making his way around the room, straining to see and make out shapes with hands searching as he shivered from the chill of the room. Where am I?

Ed eventually found a sort of cubby cabinet. He searched in each shelf, nearly crying in relief when his fingers found the rim of a pair of glasses. He quickly put them on his face with shaking hands and was delighted to discover that they were his own and that they had been sitting upon his own suit and tie, neatly folded and labeled “Nygma, E.” Underneath his name were his measurements and glasses prescription. Why?

Ed dressed quickly, looking around as he did so. He seemed to be in some sort of lab full of the tubes he’d found himself in. It was freezing cold and it looked as if there were some sort of struggle that took place. Then why would they leave me here?

It was as he was tying his shoes when he spotted it. A sizable glass statue sitting upon the very desk he’d just searched.

“He asks…but never answers.” He muttered to himself in confusion. Who on earth would keep a giant owl statue on their work desk? Who was keeping him naked, in a tube full of liquid? Why?

The riddle would go unsolved as Edward was not keen on staying around to find out. It was time to find a way out. Ed was surprised to find that the hideout where he’d been kept was abandoned entirely, save for a few putrid-smelling bodies in owl masks.

“Seems it’s a running theme.” He huffed and snatched a couple of their guns and a knife on his way out.

Upon exiting the building, he grimaced when the smell of rotting fish hit his nostrils. So I’m at the docks. Ed looked up and around and caught a glimpse of a crate stamped “Falcone Shipping Yard.” What the hell was he doing all the way out here?

Ed carefully made his way around in the darkness of the yard, brandishing his gun until he could get to the street. It wasn’t until he was inside a cab that he searched his pockets for his cellphone. Luckily, it was there. The battery was low, but there was enough for a phone call.

It rang twice and then the sweetest voice he’d ever heard chimed like bells on the other end. “Iceberg Lounge. This is Penguin.”

“Oswald…” Ed breathed in relief. “Oh, thank goodness.”

Silence.

“Oswald?”

“If you think this is funny, sir, I assure you it is not.” Oswald’s voice was low. Angry.

“Funny? Oswald, what- “

Dial tone.

He’d hung up.

Ed looked at his phone in astonishment. Was Oswald angry with him for missing their dinner? It wasn’t his fault! The last thing he remembered was going into the liquor store for wine…and then he was waking up in that tube. How much time had passed?

Ed dialed again and the call rang once and then went to voicemail.

The battery icon was flashing now. It was Edward’s last chance.

He called again and chewed at his lip.

“Listen, I don’t know how you have this number, or why you sound like him, but you need to stop or else.” Oswald warned. “I will have my men find you and they will do terrible things to- “

“Oswald, please…it’s me. It’s Edward. I just woke up at the shipping yard. I don’t know how I got there but I’m on my way to the mansion now. I hope it’s not too late to have that dinner. I think I lost the wine, I’m not really sure…I don’t remember much.”

“Ed?”

“Yes, Oswald?”

“H-how are you talking to me right now? I’m looking right at you.”

Ed chuckled a little. “Well that’s absurd. I’m in a cab on Bleake Island.”

“N-no Ed, you don’t understand. You’re frozen. You’ve been frozen for three months. Have you been awake in there all this time?” He choked, as if the thought pained him.

“No, Oswald, I-I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t worry Ed, I’m going to get you out of there.”

Edward paled. It wasn’t possible. He was right here. He was in the cab. So how was he also there?

Suddenly, one thing became quite clear. Kristen Kringle, or rather, Kristen Kringle’s face. Ed remembered it, so soft, so beautiful. Not right. Why was she there? Why did she know those riddles? It was too good. Too good to be true.

Because it wasn’t.

“Oswald…whoever you’re looking at, it isn’t me.”

Silence.

“Oswald?”

More silence. Ed pulled his phone away from his ear and found that it was dark and unresponsive.

#nygmobblepot week 2017 #nygmobblepot #gotham #my fanfiction #au/crossover

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