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honeypiehotchner · 8 months

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Devil's Backbone (Unsub!Hotch x Fem!Reader) -- epilogue

Well, we've reached the end guys. Thank you endlessly for going on this wild ride with me. I didn't really know what to expect when I started posting this fic because I wasn't sure it would be anyone's cup of tea, but as usual, you guys went insane with me for it and it never gets old. Love you guys so so much (and thanks for letting me be the evil author that tortures you with such sad stories) 💛💛

Warnings: sadness. just so, so much sadness.

“I have survived, but I have not been spared.” --Catherynne M. Valente

“You understand the agreement you are entering by accepting this retirement package from the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit?” Strauss reads aloud for the tape.

“Yes ma’am,” you reply with a nod, signing your life and career away.

“You are not to disclose any of the details of this case with anyone. Family, friends, coworkers past, present, or future, and so on. You understand?”

It’s not like I want to tell anyone. “Yes, I understand.” You sign again.

“Please give me your credentials.” Your firearm was taken days ago. You slide your badge and keycard across the table toward Strauss. “Thank you.”

She recites her name and title, the date, this case number. You recite your name, your former title, the date.

The tape clicks. Strauss exhales. You stare blankly at the space in front of you, drained of all energy.

“I am sorry,” Strauss says. “For all of this.”

You look up at her. You nod slowly. “Thank you.”

“If there is anything you need, don’t hesitate to call.”

You nod. Slow. Everything moved so fast. Now time struggles to breathe.

“You are dismissed,” Strauss says finally. “Thank you for your time. During this interview, and at the FBI.”

You manage a smile. Both of you stood and exchanged formal handshakes, and you left.

The rest of the team is waiting for you in the bullpen by your desk. Your go-bag and cardboard box of your belongings that you packed sit on your chair.

You don’t say a single word. Rossi pulls you in for a hug first, soothing you while you openly sob into his shoulder. Everyone gathers around you in a group hug, and it isn’t long before everyone is crying, too.

No one knows what else to do. The BAU will never be the same, nor will you, or anyone here. All there is to do is hold one another and cry. You wonder if you’ll ever be able to do anything else.

They help you carry your things to your car. Derek has your go bag over his shoulder. Reid is carrying the cardboard box. Rossi is holding onto your coat until you’re ready for it. Penelope hasn’t let go of your hand. Emily is rubbing perpetual circles into your spine. JJ has her arm linked with yours, and you rest your head on her shoulder in the elevator.

“Dinner at mine tomorrow,” Rossi says in the elevator. Everyone nods their silent agreement.

Nothing in the world can fix this feeling or make any of it better, but a homemade dinner with expensive wine in Rossi’s back garden will, at the very least, take the edge off.

Derek insists on driving you to your apartment and you don’t have it in you to argue. All it took was one look from you and he knew.

After another round of hugs, you’re in the passenger seat as Derek drives your car out of the Quantico parking deck for the last time. You fall asleep on the way home.

He wakes you gently when he gets to your apartment, unbuckling you and helping you out. Up the stairs and into your apartment.

You stand like a ghost in the middle of the kitchen. The place on the counter that once held the bottle of wine you shared with Aaron now sits empty, glaring. The couch where you have tossed and turned countless nights -- and where Aaron once slept -- threatens to swallow you whole.

You didn’t realize how much of Aaron is in this apartment until he’s gone forever. He’ll never be here again, but there is no getting rid of these memories, his shadow that still dances on the far wall. A time long forgotten, a man that hasn’t existed for some months.

You turn around to see Morgan watching you, tears filling his eyes. You blink and feel the warm tears rush down your cheeks. Morgan has his arms wrapped around you in the next second, tucking you into his chest.

“I know,” he says softly, propping his chin on the top of your head. “I’m so sorry.”

Your sobs only grow louder, your grip on his shirt tighter. You’ll fall over if he doesn’t hold you up. He holds you up for as long as you need.

“I can’t stay here,” you say, the words muffled into his chest.

But he hears you. “I know.”

+++

You move out of the apartment the next week, after staying in a guest bedroom at Rossi’s. Derek lets you live in one of the properties he recently renovated, free of charge, until you can find another place of your own.

You don’t know if you’ll stay in the area, or if you’ll move farther away. The truth is, no amount of distance would suffice. No matter where you go, you’ll forever be running away from the memories of this.

So, you decide to stay close to your friends. Derek becomes Unit Chief (Rossi refused to take on that much responsibility). JJ becomes less liaison and more field agent. Emily toys with the idea of leaving, but nothing sticks. Reid is going nowhere. And as long as Derek is there, Penelope is there. You don’t know what the next years will bring, but for now, everyone is close, and dinners at Rossi’s house are frequent.

You’re in therapy twice a week and meeting with your psychiatrist once a month. You don’t know how much any of it is helping, but you’re able to eat and somewhat sleep, so things are better. Relatively.

Aaron is buried next to Haley and Jack. You visit him once. You haven’t gone back since. But you think about him every day.

Love is a funny, funny thing. For you to still love him after everything that happened, after the attempts on your life. For your heart to still hold onto the small parts, the moments before it all, when he was nothing but a crush, a casual affair, a man you stumbled into bed with while laughing, a man that if he had stuck around a little longer, you might’ve seen a future with.

Letting go of him means letting go of all of it -- good days included -- and a part of you just isn’t ready for that yet.

So, you spend your days floating. Making it through. Fighting the ghosts that crawl their way onto your back. Letting them linger and letting them go. One by one. Until the only one left is Aaron himself, hanging off of you, arms around your neck, face nuzzled into your shoulder.

You’ll always miss him, probably as much as you’ll always love him. The version before he became the person you killed. Part of you died when you fired your gun that day. A part of you that you’ll never be able to get back. But you’re not sure if you want it back. Maybe it was meant to die. The consequence of killing him meant you killed part of yourself, too.

So, you get through your days as best as you can. As a person half-alive. Forever changed, and not for the better. Always wishing for the past to return, hating the present, and dreading the future.

Because you were happy once -- with Aaron. You don’t know if you’ll ever be happy again.

You dream of him almost every night, though you don't tell your therapist the dreams are that frequent. You dream of what could've been. The life the two of you might've built. A fantasy world where you moved on from the BAU, he stayed Unit Chief, and the two of you grew closer, bought rings, settled down. A life worth living. A life better than the one you got.

He will always be gone. You will never be in his arms ever again. And these are the facts that haunt you every morning when you open your eyes.

You killed a man. Who happened to be the man you loved. Facts you can't escape. A judge ruling in favor of your self-defense doesn't quiet the thoughts, the questions of if you had behaved differently. You took a life. And it was the life you wanted most to save.

In the end, are you any better than he was?

#aaron hotchner #aaron hotchner x fem!reader #aaron hotchner x reader #aaron hotchner x you #hotch x fem!reader #hotch x reader #hotch x you #unsub!hotch x fem!reader #unsub!hotch x reader #unsub!hotch x you #aaron hotchner fanfiction #aaron hotchner fanfic #hotch fanfiction #hotch fanfic #unsub!hotch fanfiction #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds fanfic

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thewandererh · 1 month

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HII wait are you THE the Wanderer (like the one on yt)??? Really sorry if not and I’m mistaking you for the wrong person here

In any case! I love the way you draw iterators and slugcats SO MUCH??? Like your style is just so incredibly eye-pleasing and wonderful to look at I am in incredible awe. Anyway uhm. Yeah! Scuttles away

(- @strandedaylily)

yes!!! i am :]!! the one who animated tr on yt yeash thats me💥. and its you!! the real strandedaylily,, reposted some of ur stuff recently to show it off f4 answering this. love ur thingers :DD✨

and thanku sm 😭😭 that means??? so much??!? its been a journey finding my style and i love that u love it sm!! i have a few diff styles for iterators and slugcats, and whipped up these fast sketchy style analysis sheets last night.

observe:

Iterator Styles

I have two main styles for iterators: chibi and humanoid-ish. round head vs oval head with a cheek curve (cheek curve is a staple of my style. was actually against it when drawing iterators with it for the first time, yet it’s become such a signature now XD. I love it a lot huhu). here is an example with my lovely boy Twine (he is not the main antagonist despite his mischievous posings). also!! slim eyes for devious characters, like twine and shadows (and leaves, unwillingly /lore). the two ogs 💛 with their yellow jack-o-lantern faces. theres a phrase i made up a bit ago: you can’t spell wanderer without jack-o-lantern-faced iterator, can you?

got better with posing over the years but im still struggling with fabric and cloaks </3

Slugcat Styles

now for slugcats, its evolved a different way. rather with two stages, they have a few more. when i first discovered rainworld, i had a very simple way of drawing. u heads and 3 fingers and toes, aswell with really odd aggressively-digi legs. and then it evolved when i learned “sketching” (blotting down odd shapes with barely any sense of proportion. balls for the elbows, no line of action, eyeing it and getting anatomy wrong lol) and things got really disproportionate. theres more stages, but i made a few complex and simple examples of my style over the years :]!! maybe i put too much effort into it but it was interesting to figure out!!

theres some timeskips in the big timeline one, and some other arts of mine might showcase style changes a bit better, and this is only my digital gallery, but oh well!!! whats done is done until its undone💥 /ghibli movie reference

didn’t do iterators or general effects-and-tidbits-i’ve-learned (shading, rendering, lineart, etc) bc i’ve spent so much time already. so you get SLUGCAT BEAM BLASTED💥💥. all this art ranges from 2019-2024 (the years i’ve been a rainworld fan :])

yes i spent hours analyzing my old and new art just for fun but i think i learned something. thanks for asking this and putting a big smile on my face :]!! have a good day you (and anyone else whos reading this. thx for reading so far and so much💛✨!!)

#rainworld #rainworld slugcat style evolution #style evolution #style growth #personal art journey #art evolution timeline #art evolution #style changes #rainworld slugcat #rw slugcat #rambling #yapping into the void #slugcat beam blasted #wanderer overload #hashtag look at my old art #im happy about where i am rn and how far ive gone :]#keeping arting you lovley beginning and intermediate and master artists!!#artist appreciation

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ainulindaelynn · 1 year

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10 Characters / 10 Fandoms / 10 Tags

Tagged by @brasideios and @aeide (notifications robbed me of this until today )

Always enjoy doing these, so thanks!

I love that it took you so long last time 😂 I’m going to learn from that and try not to agonize over this too much, because that’s definitely my tendency also.

In no particular order:

1) Cole in DAI - Aside from the first game, I’m not big on this series, but COLE. Whoever wrote him just struck these bizarre cords with my ultra-empath side. He has this line about things hardening like a little ball in your chest or softening and fading into the fabric of who you are. Very strange appearance. Not a fan of that. But the writing for him…. very unorthodox and wonderful 🙌

2) Also Shane from SDV - I’ve got a lengthy playlist that I return to regularly. He’s a type I hardcore bond with in real life, which has gotten me in a few messy situations. Big web of feelings on this one. Someday I may write a bit for him. There’s plenty in my head.

3) Keeping with commonality, I’m going to cheat and do a trifecta that I probably couldn’t choose from even if I did have a week - Alexios, Brasidas & Kassandra 😜 Alexios is just … has a more gorgeous human ever existed, real or otherwise? I doubt it. Brasidas I’m completely fascinated by. And Kass is … Kass. Enough said.

4) Garrus Vakarian - I was halfway through the 3rd game (and waaaaay far down a different path) when this one just clocked me out of nowhere. I fucking love Garrus. That ME2 opening…. They did such a good job making you feel alone and adrift. And then when he came back as Archangel and he just TRUSTS you. I could’ve cried. Ride or die. Partners for life. It took me another whole game to realize it was more. Probably my most comical game realization to date. I was dumbstruck. Can’t read Fanfiction for him though. It’s a weird respect thing. And the alien bit. Bit much for me 😂

5) Lee Adama from BSG - It’s me. I’m him, but way less athletic 😂 My dog is named Apollo, partially after his callsign, partially as a shoutout to mythology (more academia in general, really), and an overt play on Apollo Creed, because when you have a boxer… 💛

6) Izogie from Woman King - Setting aside historical accuracy and looking at this purely as fiction, this movie blew me away. And not for the reasons it was advertised for. I’ve NEVER seen such gorgeous platonic intimacy in film. She’s the heart of that, and also the stiff edge that holds the line. You never see both of those things in the same character. She’s everything.

7) Revan from KotOR - the very first blorbo 🥹 I still pine over her all the time. Stone-carved headcanons here. I’ve even considered writing this entire game so my kid can read it one day because it’s such a derelict and it was so central to constructing my little nerd self. Lifer here.

8) Geralt of Rivia - returning to platonic intimacy, the found father/daughter dynamic he has with Ciri is awesome. I also love that his romantic relationships are de-centralized and very imperfect. He walks a hilarious line between sociopath (not at all) and cringe-worthy bleeding heart (seeping out 24/7) and I’ve laughed out loud so many times reading these books. He just seeps emotion, but in the grimmest way possible.

9) Temperance Brennan from Bones - dating myself, but another comfort show. I can’t even describe what I love about her. She’s just flawless 😂 Not sure there’s any fandom left (like half of these), but worth a mention anyway.

10) Fingolfin from The Silmarillion - I read this out loud with roommates years ago and we built god diagrams and studied pronunciations and picked through waaaay too much detail in our apartment late at night. Hands down one of my best memories. He wins this nostalgia, because of the secret city, the drama, his END. Exquisite.

I’ve left out a few key ones and dropped some very random ones in, but that’s what I’ve got for now. I’ve seen a lot of people tagged in this one, so I’m just going to put it out there to anyone interested ☺️

#tag games #it might not have taken a week #but it sure looks like it did 😂#this week my brain decided sleep is for the weak #maybe I should be flattered #but mostly I’m just delirious 😂#all my miscellaneous musings

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mlmxreader · 10 months

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Hiya!! How are you doing? How's the holiday going so far? Best be resting that ankle, my sir. Just because you can "walk" on it, that don't mean you should. So please, get plenty of rest, eh.

I'm so sorry for taking so long to send you my thoughts on the latest updates!! It's been a hectic day for sure but I'm so glad that I had a moment to sit down and read these AMAZING pieces.

Ruin Our Friendship

👀👀👀👀👀 OOOOHHOOOO indeed. Baby, I will ruin our friendship so fucking hard right the fuck now. You just give me the time, day, and place.

Tommy takes off his shirt, like the slut he is, right in front of Y/N... my sir you know what you are doing.

Y/N sitting there like: yup, good. Everything looks good and proper but let me just keep ogling you a moment, you know as your friend, because it is of utmost import that I ensure those tattoos and rippling muscles are in prime fucking condition. So please, allow us to conduct our work in a professional manner, thank you.

"Did I do something wrong?" [...]

You shook your head. "You? No. You've always been great, Tommy. Always… it's me."

JSKSHSHSKJSHSK 🥺🥺🥺😭😭😭 Stop. No. Stop.

Ahaha *incoherent noises* They just grabbed this man and were like: I know I was the one being like, this'll ruin our friendship but imma just slam you into this bed with me. That sound good, love?

He grunted softly, rutting against you as you copied every movement; his breath was harsh and heavy as he pressed his forehead against the mattress, his lips right by your ear as you moaned his name softly.

Oh my lords, oh my gods, oh fucking fuck shit .... 👁👁 someone get me some water because I am parcccchhhhed!!!

Fucking woof.

Cinema Dates

Bonus points for naming the films and premier outfit Eddie is wearing. Challenge accepted, my good sir, challenge accepted 😈😈!!

👀 A double feature, eh? Wonder what they could be?? Hmmmmm. I haven’t a clue. It really is a thinker, that. Yeah, a real thinker... 🤔🤔🤔

you wore a nice black suit with a olive green shirt and a tie that Eddie had bought you a long time ago that had little flying saucers on it. Eddie, on the other hand, wore a dull pastel pink blazer with matching trousers, a pair of white shoes, and a light pink shirt; he even bought a necklace with your first initial on it that was pink and in the font of the film.

EEEHEHEHEH THAT IS SO FUCKING CHEESY AND CUTE!!! I love it when people dress up for the movies and just have fun with it! Makes it a whole event and I cannot emphasize just how much I love going to the theater and watching a film on the big screen. Just a whole different experience.

That was so good that they were able to have a cute little date night but that Venom had a safe word in case it all became too much. I love that giant symbiote.

"I blame Eddie," Venom said matter of factly. "He's such a Ken."

🤣🤣🤣🤣 Yeah, Eddie. What the hell man?! Why did you not paint Venom half pink, eh? The giant symbiote deserves to dress up the same as you!

Venom only ever felt Eddie being content when he was around you. When he had time with you. Venom often felt the same, and when Eddie relaxed, Venom did, too. Their favourite person in the world.

🥹🥹🥹🥹 me feels. Me feels they do be feeling HARD 🖤🩷🖤💛🖤🩷🖤🩶🖤!!!! 🤧🤧🤧🤧😫😫😫😫

Now for my bonus points, mate ... the films: Oppenheimer and Barbie. Eddie's premier look: a one Mr. Canadian actor Ryan Fucking Gosling (and yes, this is his legal name 😂).

All my days, though, Eddie in that look .... is sending me to the ER. Holy hell is he gonna look so bloody cute (and hot) in that suit. The slutty little button pops, exposing his tattoos..... 😶😶😶🫠 And Y/N, bloody A+++ with their fit for sure.

AHAHAHAH!!!! These were both awesome and made me feel giddy for two very different reasons. The first: hot, hot, HOT. The second: unbelievably full and soft, just all around warm and fuzzy 🥰🥰.

Thank you so much, my dear, for writing both of these and sharing your amazing talents with us!! Bloody love your mind, you creative bastard (very lovingly 🫶🏾).

🖤🖤🖤

🐍anon

hi!!! I'm doing well, thank you, I've got my next tattoos booked so I'm happy lmfaooooo I HAVE been resting my ankle! I promise! I just... won't be resting it for the next few days bc I still gotta work lmao but my next day off is when I get my tattoos done, so it'll be fine! I'll have a day of rest then!

that's absolutely okay!!! take as much time as you want/need!! I'll still be here when you get back lmao

Ruin Our Friendship

Tommy taking off his shirt as if he has absolutely no idea that he's been watching and checked out like... suuuuuure you don't, lad.

poor reader's sitting there debating the risks while Tommy acts like it's all fine and dandy 😭

they both took "ruin the friendship" to a whole new level 💀 they just immediately went "nah, fuck it" lmfao

the dry humping..... lads..... hate to break it to y'all, but uhm... that friendship is DEFINITELY ruined lmfao like MASSIVELY. just fuck already.

Cinema Dates

a double feature..... hmmm could be anything ig 🤷🏻‍♂️🤷🏻‍♂️

they're having so much fun w it honestly, like, the coordinated outfits are ONE THING, but the necklace??? the tie??? just brings it all together and makes it more fun. Venom definitely picked out the tie when it originally purchased tho.

ofc they want Venom to feel safe and like he can actually admit it's too much - they ARE a throuple, after all. or a couple + their alien bf. depends how you wanna look at it but either way, all 3 of them are dating lmao

BARBIE VENOM (Barbon? Venbie?), BARBIE VENOM, BARBIE VENOM!!!!

the 3 of them make a fuckin GREAT poly relationship tbf; it's all about that mutual respect and love + having fun. just as Barbie intended.

bonus points: YES, it was Barbenheimer!! I hoped it would be obvious from the black + pink aesthetic dhfkskfkskfks

and YES! IT'S RYAN GOSLING'S PREMIERE LOOK!! even down to the NECKLACE.

════════════════════════════════════

I'm so, so, SO GLAD to hear that you enjoyed them 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻 and you're so welcome!!! 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻

#asks #🐍 anon #🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻

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smoll-tangerine · 2 years

Note

hii CONGRATS ON 1 YEAR!! 💐 your fics legit are my go to for comfort and feels, I hope you stay safe and healthy! n I'm super excited for more work you put out!!! I LOVE EVERY SINGLE FIC YOU PUT OUT DEADASS AND ITS JUST SO DELICIOUS TO READ

could I request a jaehyun enemies-to-lovers au and prompt #10?

thank you so much!! HAVE A GREAT DAY AND I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY AND SMILING!!!

[a/n]: THANK YOU SO MUCH!! 💛💛💐i'm so happy to hear that my fics bring you comfort and feels, and i hope that you stay safe and healthy as well. i got to admit, i was struggling a little coming up with a scenario for this request, given that the prompt you have chosen is super popular haha but my brain prevailed and i was able to come up with this! hope you enjoy!! 💛

PAIRING. copywriter!jaehyun x advertising planner!female reader GENRES. romance, enemies-to-lovers!au, office!au PROMPT. "i'm always flirting with you. keep up." WORDS. 708

WARNINGS. swearing, 18+ (lame) pickup lines, alcohol consumption

Corporate parties were a bore.

You never liked the so-called “corporate culture” where, if your superior were to ask you to do something, you had to do it. The parties were stupid, kind of degrading, and often resulted you in being stupidly drunk by the end of the evening.

“I’m heading to the loo,” you whispered to your best friend and co-worker, Seulgi, who nodded and took over your duties as your manager’s drinking buddy for the night.

After refreshing yourself in the washroom, you decided to take a seat on one of the sofas that lined the walls of the hallway. Thankfully, the washrooms were a bit far from the venue where your company’s party was taking place.

The second you sat down, the alcohol you had been drinking since early evening finally hit you.

“Fuck,” you mumbled under your breath, not liking how your head was starting to spin.

Before you could have gotten up and perhaps called it for the night, a water bottle appeared in front of you, startling you. You raised your head, wondering just who had the same idea as you to hide from the party, and you were surprised to see that it was your rival, Jaehyun.

“Do you not need it?”

You wordlessly took it and drank the cool water before sighing at how refreshing it was. While the water did help you, you were still very much drunk.

“Thanks,” you said, avoiding Jaehyun’s stare as he took the seat next to you.

You squirmed away from him, hoping that Jaehyun wouldn’t realize how uncomfortable you were around him (and the fact that you were drunk was not good either).

You and Jaehyun belonged to the same creative department of your advertising agency. You entered as a planner and were responsible for creating commercials, whereas Jaehyun was originally in the accounting department before being transferred to your department and ended up being a copywriter – a very good copywriter.

It turned out that you and Jaehyun worked super well with each other and ended up being put in projects together. However, what your manager didn’t know was that despite the end result of a successful commercial, the process was a pain in your ass.

Correction: Jaehyun was the pain in your ass.

Ever since you two were introduced to each other, he always had a comment to make and those comments often resulted in your female co-workers to fall head over heels for him. It was to the point where you asked Seulgi if he was that attractive and if his pick-up lines actually worked, and Seulgi’s silence was all you needed.

If someone were to ask you if you liked Jaehyun or not, you would straight up answer that you didn’t like him. But as people say, there was a fine line between love and hate (and you unfortunately blurred that line too much).

“Do you like blow jobs or sex on the beach?” Jaehyun asked you out of the blue.

That definitely sobered you up.

“Excuse me?” you replied indignantly.

Jaehyun had the audacity to smirk at you, and then he raised his own glass. “I’m talking about cocktails, of course.”

You scoffed in amusement. “Are- are you flirting with me, right now? In this situation?”

He comfortably leaned back against the sofa. “You only noticed just now? If you haven’t realized, I’m always flirting with you.”

“No…” you said in uncertainty. “I haven’t realized.”

“Well, keep up,” he answered cheekily before looking around and then at his watch before getting up from the sofa. He then cocked his head at you as he asked, “Say, do you need a ride?”

Looking at the time, you knew that it was too late for the last metro and taxis would be too expensive or almost impossible to catch. Though, you were skeptical of Jaehyun’s offer too.

“You used that line a lot?” you asked with a raised brow.

“Not really, you’re the first one I used that on, actually,” he replied honestly. “So? Need a ride or not?”

You sighed and got up from the sofa. “Lead the way.”

“Oh, and also.”

“Mhm?”

“When I drop you off and text you goodnight later, what phone number should I use?”

#neowritingsnet #cznnet #jaehyun #jaehyun x reader #nct 127 x reader #jaehyun romance #jaehyun fluff #jaehyun scenarios #jaehyun blurbs #jaehyun imagines #nini.requests #nini.milestones: 1 year on tumblr #anon

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loafslibrary · 2 years

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hellloo!! sorry if im bothering you or anything but i wanted to say that all though you dont post alot i really like the fics you've posted so far!! sundrop and moondrop are my fav characters and your story really caught my eye and i enjoyed it very much! (the ones i mean are the sunshine and sunflowers one and the eclipse one X33) but yah! i really like your writing and i cant wait to read more!! i was looking for some fluff and such and your fics were perfect!! :33 so thankie for writing such wonderful stories!! have a nice dayy or night or afternoon!! XDD

Thank you so much for the support!💖✨

I'm glad you're enjoying the stories! I'm currently focused more on Sunshine and Sunflowers because I'm enjoying writing fluff right now. I will warn you, I have the feeling Eclipse will be more angsty and dark, but it's still in its very early days 😅

I have a full plot developed for Sunshine and Sunflowers but it funnily enough was originally the plot for Eclipse, hence why Eclipse is on hold while I try to rethink the plot and make it a little darker to suit the tone of the story.

Next part to Sun-&-Sun story should be uploaded later today, and if not, it'll be posted in the next few days 💛☀️🌻

-🍞

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lifeofkaze · 3 years

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An Art of Balance - Author's Notes

The End.

Wow, I still can’t quite believe it. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that “An Art of Balance”/ “AoB” / “that goddamn story that costs me my last nerve” or however I have called it over the last 6 months is really and truly over.

How far we’ve come together.

Who would have thought what this little idea I had in my head back in December and that wouldn’t let me sleep until I had written half of the first chapter down would turn into. When I started drafting the plot, it was intended to be a little, about 18 chapters worth of story to get my dormant writing skills back into swing before starting on a more complex work I wanted to do. I hadn’t written a single word of prose in almost 15 years at that point.

Now, half a year, about 110k words and a lot of incredibly great friends later, look what this story has turned into.

Thank you to every single one of you who took the time out of their day to read about Lizzie, Orion, Skye, Charlie and all the others. You have no idea how much I appreciated every single like, kudos, reblog and comment. I love you all with all of my heart.

A very special thanks, however, goes to a few friends I made along the way:

@the-al-chemist

Where to start? I don’t call you my writer bestie for nothing. I remember you reaching out to me because you saw a GIF of Luke Pasqualino that reminded you of Orion and you thought I might like. That basically says a lot about our friendship already 😂 In all seriousness, you grew so close to my heart in the shortest amount of times, I’m still baffled by it. Whether it’s our endless chats, our brainstorming for both our stories or our AU or just simping over certain faceclaims together, I would never ever want to miss you again. A lot of chapters of AoB wouldn’t have been half as good without your input. Looking forward to unleashing our OCs’ Rockstar side with you, bestie! 💛💛💛

@kc-needs-coffee

Wifey, you were the first person ever to comment on AoB and were my biggest supporter throughout. Whether it was technicalities, borrowing your girl KC, joined fawning over our un-dateables, building me up when I felt down over the fluff parts, helping me sort my thoughts or just being one of the best friends imaginable, you did it all. I’m so honoured to be able to count you as a friend. You know how much your own story influenced me into developing my idea into a real story and I still cannot imagine Murphy being with anyone else than your lovely girl. Please, don’t ever change, I can’t wait to go on the next adventure with your girls and take you to see mine. 💛💙

@nevilles-top @weasleysandwheezes

My other two wifies completing the squad. It would never be the same without you, I’m living for our group chats and it's the best feeling to know we’re always there to take care of each other. You ladies are so incredibly talented, it’s an honour to be friends with you. Special shoutout to @nevilles-top for turning me into the greatest simp when she provided me with Avan Jogia as face claim for Orion. I will never forgive for unleashing this monster 😂 Kidding, I would have never forgiven you for not doing it, you know me.

@whatwouldvalerydo @me-charlie-you-angels

You wonderful girls helped me save AoB when I was on the verge of giving up because I couldn’t wrap my mind around what’s coming next. You know all that's in store for Lizzie and Orion and still don’t think I’m a horrible person 😂 Your endless enthusiasm and lovely comments never fail to put the biggest smile on my face. And I PROMISE @whatwouldvalerydo, I will catch up with Late Night Enchantments as soon as I can!

Also the biggest thank you to all the mutuals who let me borrow their OCs for a little cameo or two, it makes writing just that much more fun! @judediangelo75 @cursebreakerfarrier @slytherindisaster @thatravenpuffwitch

So, is that the end of Lizzie’s and Orion’s story? Well… it was supposed to. But I realised that we’re not quite there yet, I still have one or two (or many) things I need to tell you about.

I have several bonus chapters I still need to write, which is why the story isn’t marked as closed yet. My next immediate project featuring them will be a Band/Rockstar AU in collaboration with my dearest @the-al-chemist. Simultaneously, I’m working on the second instalment of “An Art of Balance” called “A Search for Balance” (or SfB as you may have seen in some tags) and a Warcraft AU.

And who knows, maybe one day I will actually be able to write that Charlie x MC fic as well. xD

Thank you so much for the continued support! I love you all!

XXX

Kaze

#hphm #hogwarts mystery #orion amari #lizzie jameson #aob #art of balance #that's it #that's a wrap #it's surreal #I'm sad #I'm happy #I can't wait to bring you ROCKSTAR #finally #thank you for sticking with me

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instantezra · 4 years

Text

Hold You Now

John Deacon x Reader

Summary: Protip: 3am is never a good time to dig up old feelings.

Word Count: 4k

A/N: warnings for cursing because i can’t help myself, some drinking, and plenty o’ angst!!! and yes this is 100% inspired by the title which is a bomb ass song by Vampire Weekend!!! also a thank you to @anotheronebitesthedeaks aka my gorl katie for beta reading part of this 💛💛

----------------

The soft yellow light glowing from the lamp you just turned on showed a time of 3:09 in the morning on your alarm clock. If it was so early, why on this green Earth was somebody at your door? Sure, okay, it was a Saturday night. You knew that some of your friends were probably partying, but none of you liked to stay out THAT late. You waited for another knock, but no noise came. Maybe you were just imagining things. With that in mind, you switched your lamp off and laid back with an arm draped over your eyes. Tonight you were scared of evading sleep, and now it seemed you were hallucinating.

That was, until you heard the rusty screws from your window box screeching.

Whoever the fuck was trying to break into your house was not about to get very far. You grabbed the crowbar from under your bed, vowing to thank your father the next morning for suggesting keeping it there. The squeaking of the old boards beneath your feet would hopefully alert the assailant that there was in fact somebody home, and that they were awake and fully aware. As you reached for the deadbolt lock, there was another knock. A familiar voice croaked out from the other side.

“Y/N? Are you up?”

The door swung open as fast as you could get it to. There was no way you weren’t hallucinating at this point. Your ears heard you correctly, however. John Deacon stood at your doorstep - well, leaned against the handrails at the doorsteps - holding a yellow daisy and wearing a lopsided smile.

"Oh thank God you're home. For you," he slurred, thrusting the flower towards you. "It's a daisy. It's your favorite flower. Wait, it is still your favorite, right?" You rolled your eyes as a smile crept onto your lips. Looking over to your window box, surely enough there was a daisy missing from the few you had successfully grown.

“I know it’s my favorite, Deacon, it’s from MY window box.”

"Aww shit - wait, fuck sorry for saying shit - wait, I - sorry." He stumbled over to the other rail, leaning over it and trying to place the daisy back into its spot. You pulled him back by his jacket, steadying him as much as you could.

This wasn't right. John should have been with the boys, or even at home. He should have been in bed, resting for his big day. After all, his plans for tomorrow were the reason you couldn't sleep. Tomorrow was his wedding, and you weren't the one meeting him at the altar.

"Why are you here, Deaks? Shouldn't you be, I don't know, sleeping? At your own home?"

"Nah, nah, weird superstition, can't sleep with the fiancee on your stag night or something. The boys think I'm at my mums, but... I wanted to come see you. I've got a question." His proposal of a question made your stomach churn. You knew what it was going to be, so you wanted to nip it in the bud before he could even ask. Closing the door behind you to keep the summer air out, you leaned against it to ground yourself.

"Listen, John, I just don't think --"

"Why did you say no?" There was hurt in his voice. Sincere, wondering hurt came out from beneath the drunken slurry of words. "I mean, you've always been one of my best mates, why won't you just celebrate with me?" He nearly looked angry. Or was it confusion? Either way, it made you upset that he had the audacity to send an invitation in the first place.

It was in the brief silence that you realized the first string had snapped. The strings holding your heart together were pretty weak as of late, stretched thin, and John Richard Deacon managed to snap the first one. You cleared your throat, trying to think of an answer for him. You weren’t letting any more break tonight, not because of him.

"I don't know, Deacon, because maybe it hurt a bit?" His face dropped. The two of you stood there, awkwardly. You wanted nothing more than to go inside and go back to bed, to try to forget about this and tomorrow's events. But you couldn't, because you knew John would probably persistently knock and piss off your neighbors.

"I wouldn't have sent the invitation if I knew it would have hurt you. I - I didn't know." More silence. How could he not know? You reached for the doorknob. "Can we talk? Can I come in?"

"That's… no, John, I don't think so."

"Sit with me?" He plopped down onto a concrete step, patting the spot beside him. Your tired mind and eyes screamed at you to go inside, but your dumbass heart decided to take a seat.

He leaned onto your shoulder, and you tensed. His cocker spaniel hair getting into your face. In a moment of weakness, you smoothed it down, tucking some behind his ear and feeling your heart leap to your throat. Another heartstring was pulling taut.

"Y/N? I miss you."

He just had to say the words you had last left him with.

----------------

October 1970

The little bar across from campus was absolutely packed. The chill autumn air hit your bare shoulders as you waited in the line outside. Luckily, you had convinced John to get there semi-early with you, so the two of you were sorta close to the door instead of being stuck in the back of the wrapped-around-the-block line. He moved his hands onto your upper arms, rubbing up and down to create a little friction.

"Cold?" He chuckled as you bounced on the balls of your feet.

"A little. Mostly just excited!! This group is incredible, I just know you'll love them."

"Yeah, we'll see I guess. Not really my scene." He shuffled his feet and shoved his hands into his jacket pockets.

“Spoilsport.” You scrunched your nose up at him and shoved his shoulder a bit with your own. While you were pretty excited, you had to admit you were getting uncomfortable with the cold. John must have sensed it somehow. He pulled his arms out of his jacket and draped it over your shoulders. Part of you was going to object, but instead you just pulled it around you a little tighter. Still - this was not a date.

This was just two friends, good friends, going to a concert.

When the doors opened up, you pushed John forward, the line shuffling forward. You secured a spot near the front of the stage, just off to the right enough to where you could sneak off to the bar if you needed to. John left for the bar and quickly came back with two shots of Jameson, handing you one. You cocked an eyebrow but still graciously took it. He just shrugged.

“Again, not my scene. Gotta get through this somehow, eh?” He clinked his shot glass with yours and down the hatch it went. Yours followed closely behind, both of you wincing at the whiskey and laughing it off. “Actually, I’m gonna go get us a couple of pints, too. Just to nurse doing the show, you know?” He left you alone again as the band got onstage.

John didn’t come back until about two songs in. His excuse was the long line at the bar, but you just tallied it to his shyness in getting back into the crowd. As the band started into their third song, you introduced them to Deacy. The tall one was Brian, the curly-haired guitar god that John was less than impressed with. Roger on the drums was the one that had obviously caught every girls’ eye, including your own. Deacy had to admit, he looked a bit like an angel even as he slammed sticks into drumheads. And then there was Freddie, the lead singer and main event, really. John was entranced with his presence, just like you.

“Well… do you dig ‘em?” Your elbow nudged Deacy’s beside you. Sure, you’d loved them even with the band member changes over the past couple of years, but it was important your best friend approved. He just shrugged, causing you to roll your eyes. How was he not impressed!? The harder song ended, and they announced they were going to slow it down a bit.

Okay, so maybe it was the Jameson and few beers the two of you had already knocked back. Maybe it was the low lighting and the sweet notes ringing from the guitar and the fact that John was only a few inches from your side. It definitely wasn’t the small tug at your heart that made you imagine how nice it would feel to hold his hand, how nice it would be to have his other hand on the small of your back as you leaned into his chest. It wasn’t that at all, but you knew the two of you had to dance.

“Absolutely not.”

“Why nooooooot?” Your tugging on his sleeve made him huff in annoyance.

“Because, Y/N, this isn’t exactly the music I like to dance to. Besides, my feet hurt. We’ve been here for hours.” He fluffed his hair and sipped his third (fourth? Who was keeping count.) beer, averting any eye contact you were trying to muster. The pout of your bottom lip wasn’t helping his guilty conscience.

Of course he wanted to dance with you. Hold you tight. Have one of your smaller hands in his, one of his resting on your back. Kiss the top of your head as the two of you swayed in rhythm.

And there was no use mentioning the elephant in the room - both of you knew you’d be graduating soon. You had committed to a graduate school in Edinburgh. He didn’t have a lot of time left with you, and this may be his last chance.

“John… what about Edinburgh?” Hook, line….

“Oh, that’s low, Y/N,” he said with a half smile, chuckling deep in his chest. “C’mere.”

Sinker.

You grinned and grabbed his hands. He wrapped his arms around your hips, clasping his hands together to keep it casual. Of course, though, because this wasn’t a date. It did feel a bit like a school dance, your arms draped over his shoulders and an awkward amount of space between your chests. But it was still nice.

“Listen, I don’t wanna get sappy or mention what we’ve been avoiding but... I’m gonna miss you, Deacy.” Fuck it. You moved closer, resting your forehead on his shoulder. You could feel the tension leave his body, his arms hugging you tight.

“I’m gonna miss you more.”

----------------

March 1st, 1971

“I made it, Y/N!”

“Huh?”

“I’m in Queen!”

You immediately woke up out of your post-test haze. Exhaustion riddled your body after your first midterm but hearing your best friend’s announcement completely turned your mood around.

“Hell yes, Deaks, yes!”

“They even said I could help with songwriting! I don’t have many ideas yet, but I’ll be sure to run them by you, if that’s okay.”

“I’d love nothing more than to criticise your music. I’ll be sure to use my best red pen and show no mercy.”

“I’d expect nothing less, Y/N,” he chuckled. “How’s school?”

“Fine, I guess. A lot of work, but it’ll be worth it! What about you? Haven’t dropped out on us, have you?” You laughed as you carried your phone from your desk to your bed. You knew he wouldn’t; he was John Deacon. The man didn’t have a bone in his body that would let him quit his studies.

The two of you blabbed on about how the weekend had gone. It wasn’t like you two had cut off all communications, but it was still nice to catch up on what you had missed since the last phone call. He promised you letters, and you promised to write back. There was a sense of melancholy in his tone, though. Did he miss you as much as you missed him? Was he picturing you there, curled into his chest like you pictured yourself? If you closed your eyes, you could imagine it. The two of you, laying on a bed, just laying, cuddled close and talking about anything and everything. Maybe as the two of you were on the line the comfortable silence meant he was thinking about it, too.

You rolled over and looked out your bedroom window, noticing that the sun had gone down. When did that happen? A yawn escaped your mouth. Now was not the time for daydreaming. And based on what time it probably was, it wasn’t the time to stay on the phone for much longer either.

“Hey, Deaks? Hate to say it, but I’ve gotta go, class early in the morning.” It sucked to break the silence, but you needed sleep.

“Alright then, s’pose I’ll let you go. I’m writing one of your letters now, so be sure to check your mail! I better get one back, or you might break my heart.” Those words tugged at your own heart. A huge smile spread on your face.

“I miss you,” you blurt out. You couldn’t see him, but you hoped he was smiling back.

“I miss you most. Get some sleep, love.”

----------------

May 1972

Why did you have to move somewhere with shitty weather? Why couldn’t you have gone to school somewhere tropical, or less foggy and windy? You grumbled to yourself about your life choices as you fumbled for your building keys. It wasn’t raining out, thank god, but the strong gales blew mist into your face, which was still incredibly annoying.

Once inside, you slammed the front door shut with your foot and shivered. The landlord had called this the “lobby”, but it felt more like a semi-wide hallway with mailboxes and an ancient box office window as a “concierge desk.” No matter - your school was paying for it and it was a roof over your head. It felt strange, going to the mailboxes. You’d checked them every Tuesday, and today was no exception, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. Sure, the normal was in the small metal compartment - advertisement, random clothing catalog, invoice, advertisement - but those weren’t what you were looking for.

John hadn’t sent a letter in over 5 months. When you thought about it, he hadn’t called you since before Christmas. Maybe life was just getting in the way. In his defense, you hadn’t called or written either. It was a two way street, communication, and both of you weren’t exactly working hard at it. That didn’t mean it didn’t royally suck, though.

Three flights of stairs later and you were to your door. Georgie, your cat, was yelling from the other side as you jingled keys. At least he was still communicating with you. His body slinked between your feet, almost tripping you, once you got into the apartment. You leaned against the door and looked around at the half packed boxes and haphazardly arranged study materials on the floor. It was already half past six, and packing more of your shit wasn’t exactly enticing. Dinner and sitting in front of the telly sounded more your speed at the moment.

While the water boiled for pasta on the stove, you stared down the phone across the tiny kitchen. Would he answer if you called? What if he changed his number? Anxiety creeped in as you walked towards the phone. Did you need to get your notebook of phone numbers? No, of course not; the number was ingrained in your memory. You took the phone off the reciever and clicked the numbers. It rang three times before being picked up.

“John Deacon, who’s speaking?”

“Deaks? It’s Y/N.” Your heart was in your stomach.

“Holy shit, hey.” He cleared his throat in surprise. “Uh, hi, what’s going on? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything’s…” you looked around and sighed. Things were definitely not as great as they could be. You were living from a suitcase, your only friend was your cat, and you hadn’t spoken to your best friend in months. “...everything’s okay. How are you?”

“Fine, fine.” The silence between the two of you was awkward for the first time in your friendship. “Listen, Y/N, I-”

“I haven’t gotten any letters from you, Deacy.” Silence again. Then a cough.

“Yeah, uh, sorry about that. Been pretty busy, you know, band stuff, life.” “Of course, of course. I understand, totally.” Even more silence. Why was this like pulling teeth? Sure, John was shy, but he would never shut up with you usually. Your nerves were on fire. “I’m moving back to London,” you blurted.

“What?”

“Next month. Uh, my advisor said I could finish up my degree back home. Edinburgh’s been fun, but I’m ready to go home.” PLEASE BE EXCITED, you thought.

“That’s great news, Y/N.”

“Yeah! It’s kind of a pain in the ass packing up and moving by myself, but…” Part of you hoped he’d catch where you were going. Maybe you could guilt him into helping. The roughly eight hour drive would be perfect for catching up. “Maybe you could come visit before I leave? Never did have the chance to show you around, and-.”

“Oh, uh. No, I don’t think that’d be a good idea.” Your stomach flipped. He didn’t want to visit you? Almost two years of being gone, only seeing each other fleetingly on holidays, and he didn’t want to at least help his best friend? You were done being soft; this wasn’t John, and this got under your skin.

“John, I haven’t seen you in forever. You don’t have to help me pack, I just…. I want to see you, you know.”

“I’m not wasting a day of travel just to go to Edinburgh, bubs.” Just to go to Edinburgh? You had bucked up enough courage to even call him, to establish some form of communication, and he pulled this? He wasn’t going to slap a nickname on there like a bandaid and call it good, either. “It’s a long train ride, and I have the band and a-”

“I can pay for your ticket. You can stay in my apartment. For God’s sake, John, I haven’t seen you in over a year. This isn’t just a trip to Scotland. This is visiting me. You don’t write anymore. I mean, I’m the one that called you! Sorry that I want to see the guy I-”

“I’m seeing someone, Y/N.”

Ouch.

“Congrats, John,” you said through gritted teeth.

“Thank you.” The silence was most deafening now. You could hear his breathing through the receiver, his nerves probably taking over just like yours were. “Listen, Y/N, I-”

“I miss you.” Oops. You really didn’t want it to slip out, but maybe it was for the best. You waited for him to miss you more. You wanted him to apologize for being a bit of a dick about this whole thing.

“I have to go.” The sound of his phone being hung up and the buzz of the phone call ending rang in your hollow chest. Your pasta water was boiling over.

----------------

Would it be okay to say you missed him more?

Nah, best not. Not on the night before his wedding.

The two of you were sat on your front steps, his head on your shoulder, and it took every fibre of your being to hold it together. You looked down at your watch. It was only 3:25. How had you been out here for 15 minutes, yet it felt like a lifetime?

“John?”

“Yeah, love?” He shouldn’t be calling you that.

“I think…. I mean, it’s pretty late. You should go home, get some sleep.”

“Can I at least come inside for some water?” His sad eyes were like saucers, guilting you into letting him in. You sighed and got up. He looked up at you, still slumped on the stairs. You gestured your head towards the front door and extended a hand to help him up. This was wrong, and you should have just wished him the best of luck. None of this felt real. How were you helping your old best friend into your house the night before he was getting married to another girl? Maybe you’d wake up in the morning and it wouldn’t have been real.

Inside and two glasses of water later, the two of you stood silent in the kitchen. John leaned against the sink as you sat on the counter across from him. His eyes were a little more alert, albeit tired. After all, it was almost 4 in the morning. His wedding was in 8 hours and the man looked like he hadn’t slept in over 24 of them. Maybe now that he was sober it’d be easier to get him to leave.

Part of you didn’t want him to go, though. There was a chance this was the last time you’d see him. This was your last night together, and it was being spent with him sobering up in your kitchen before the sun would even rise. Would now be an okay time to just tell him to leave? Lock the door and go back to bed and forget about it all?

“Do you want to stay the night?” You blurt out.

“What?”

“No! I mean, not like that! Not in that way, I just mean, you need sleep. You can sleep here. Get up after a small nap, go home, get ready. Just so you don’t have to walk back home.” He stared at you over his glass of water. “Forget it.”

Before you knew it, he was in your bed. He didn’t bother getting under the covers. You laid on the very edge, the opposite side of him, facing away. In some weird solidarity, you laid on top of the covers too. His breathing seemed to match yours, which couldn’t have been good for him because yours was choppy and nervous.

Out of nowhere, you felt him scoot closer to you. His arms wrapped around your waist. The last string holding your heart together could burst any second. This wasn’t okay, and he knew it.

“I know you probably hate my guts now. I know I messed up, I do. But I’m scared, Y/N. What if this doesn’t all work out? What if I do to Veronica what I did to you, or the band becomes too much, or-” He stopped, choked up, and you could have sworn you heard a sniffle.

“You have cold feet, Deaks. That’s normal. You’re not making a mistake.” You put your hand on top of his and pat it. There was something you needed to hear, and it was stuck in your throat. Better cough it out now than hold on to it. “Do you love her?”

“I do.” He took your hand and squeezed it. “And I love you too. I really mean that.” The last string was thinner than ever. Your heart was beating out of your chest and it felt like it could leap right then and there. You let go of his hand and tried to shift out of his grasp, but if you did you’d fall off the bed. “I’m sorry.”

“Deacy, I love you too. But you love Veronica, and you’re going to have a beautiful wedding tomorrow. We had a great friendship, didn’t we?”

“Had? It doesn’t have to be over.” He rolled onto his back, heaving a sigh towards the ceiling. Tears pricked at the corners of your eyes. It shouldn’t be over, but it needed to be. There was no way you’d be able to look him in the eyes someday, his left hand adorning a wedding ring that didn’t compliment one you wore. He nudged you with his foot. He said what was in the back of your mind. “Can you hold me? I’m just scared. I know that probably sounds strange, but-”

“I can hold you now. But not after this, John. Never again.” The last string snapped.

----------------

Taglist: @littledarlingwellaway @queen-irl-af @meghans-corner @gods-remastered @supersonicfreddie @bucket-of-kittens @anotheronebitesthedeaks @tardisgrump @drowseoftaylor @scarecrowmax (shoot me a message if you wanna be tagged in other writing i do!)

#john deacon x reader #john deacon imagine #queen fanfiction #maddy writes

59 notes · View notes

my-robot-heart · 2 years

Note

Hi, Robot!

I saw that you said earlier today that you're not sure if you'd be up for writing Lizzington in the foreseeable future and I totally get why you feel that way (after all, I haven't logged in here or done anything creative in more months than I'd like to admit, and it's not like I would be like this if I had enough motivation/inspiration/strength to create something Lizzington and not think about the 8th season and absolutely gutted we and Red and Liz were by it... I do think I'm finally finding it, though) but I just saw the soft-ish dialogue prompts you reblogged recently (and you know what a soft spot I have for prompts... especially when they're so soft 🥺) and got an idea and wanted to send it to you in case you ever feel like writing something about Red and Liz again.

So, how about number 14 from that list going like that (I changed the prompt slightly to better fit the situation, hope you don't mind):

Lizzy: “No one’s ever sung you a lullaby before?”

Red: “Not ever. (a beat) But no one has sung me a lullaby in a very long while.”

Because I officially uncanon the last couple of seasons of TBL and declare that the only canon that exists, as far as Lizzington concerned, is the one where Liz and Red are happy together.

But also because I'm sure that, since Red has a relationship with sleep more difficult than his relationship with his dear Lizzy once was (they're past that chapter in their life, thankfully), Liz has quickly fallen into a habit of singing the lullabies Sam used to sing to her when she was a little girl (who also had a difficult relationship with sleep) to Red to help him fall asleep and/or soothe him after a nightmare.

Wish you all the sunny days and everything great there is in life,

Di / Spades

PS. I've really missed you, Robot. And I hope that the knowledge that I reread your Lizzington fics and ficlets a lot in those months I was inactive and they've given me a lot of warm, fuzzy feelings and happy minutes all over again will bring a smile to your face 😉🤗😘💐

Omg Di 🥺🙏🏻💛 Thank you so much for writing! I feel like one of the worst parts of the s8 finale was like, people just disappearing without a trace to distance ourselves from this (shit)show. I'm so glad to hear from you and to know you're finding warm fuzzy feelings from rereading my fics 🤍🤍🤍 That definitely always makes me smile to hear.

I freaking love that soft prompt list and I'll definitely keep this prompt in mind if I decide to write something Lizzington in the future! In fact I'd love to read it also lol, in case YOU decide you've waited long enough and just go for it yourself.

I don't know how to explain what my brain feels like rn but even though I blocked the show tags, watching s8 is burned in my mind now and sometimes it's like even when I try to remember old seasons and pretend to erase the new stuff, it still creeps in and makes me sad. That's why taking a break from writing it has felt right for me; I wondered for a bit if I'd want to write a fix-it for the finale but honestly revisiting any of it is super frustrating. (You get it lol)

Considering your headcanon about sleep, I always thought both of them had their fair share of night terrors and nighttime panic, and so I def agree with you that they'd find easy comfort in the fact that they no longer had to face the nights on their own.

We're finally finally moving into sunny spring here in Canada, so thank you so much for the wishes of sunshine - it hits differently after the long winter, and I truly appreciate it. Hoping you have sun ahead of you as well.

#ask #aceofspaders #missed you di #soft prompts #I'm sorry for not writing it for you right away #but I'll tag you if i do write it #lizzington

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ssfoc · 7 years

Text

lUcOzAdE: “it was me at my most unedited”

Anonymous said: Hello! I love reading your posts about song lyrics especially about our boys. I know you seem to focus mainly on Larry but I believe I saw a Zayn post so I wanted to see if you would do one of lUcOzAdE from his MoM album? Or rEaR vIeW? Also he has a song that didn't make it into the album called Golden. Whichever would be amazing! Thank you for your lovely and truly incredible posts! Much love 💛

lUcOzAdE was written by Kevin Rains, Zayn Malik, Cc Wells, James Griffin, Sl Waviest, J Emerson, copyright © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Universal Music Publishing Group, Downtown Music Publishing, 2015.

I apologize in advance for not being able to interpret these lyrics in context, as I don’t really follow Zayn and I became a fan after he left One Direction.

My references will be this video and these lyrics.

Here’s the excerpt about lUcOzAdE from Zayn’s autobiography.

We learn from the excerpt that:

It was recorded in one take.

Lyrics were taken from Zayn’s lyric notebook, where he picked out “stuff [he] wanted to say”

The lyrics came before the melody.

The bottles of pink Lucozade triggered a remembrance so that he wanted to write the song.

We have seen members of One Direction holding Lucozade.

These photos were taken from early years, the frenetic days of endless recording sessions, promo interviews, gearing up for tour, polishing their PR images.

lUcOzAdE, the song, starts with a pulsing synthesizer that recalls the sound one hears in a flashback scene on television, as the visual image blurs and swirls. Zayn’s opening vocals emphasize this blurriness. The music isn’t really music, at this point. It’s merely a sound and a rhythm, a heartbeat, a propulsive element. The prompt to a story.

I'm sipping pink Lucozade We're blazing on that new found haze I'm seeing in the blacks and grays, I'm

The key words, the themes of the song, are all presented in the first two lines.

Lucozade: more on this later.

Blazing: fame, success, glory.

Haze: both a physiologic state of being clouded, and the symbolic state of being in an artistic cloud. It’s a wonderful word, and not coincidentally anchors the first verse. We can see that it doesn’t exactly rhyme with Lucozade, but it captures the feeling of the song so beautifully. It synthesizes the musical structure of opening, with its ambiguous accompaniment (merely a synth bass that also functions as a kick drum). It captures the sickening feeling of not being well, not being quite awake (with the artificial caffeine-enhanced stimulation of Lucozade). It also captures the stream-of-consciousness, Rimbaudian “derangement of the senses” under which artists pull out their best selves.

I should also add that this is a bravado way to start a song, very naked. There’s no harmony, no melody, just a voice and a synth bass. Only a dramatic, emotionally captivating voice can pull this off-- to put the listener within the story of the song from the first words. Zayn’s technique blends rap artists (with their captivating rhythm and rhymes) with torch singers (with their dramatic personae). The pop singers who have this effortlessly honest dramatic expression are few and far between: Adele, Ariana, Freddie Mercury, Leonard Cohen. Country singers are more practiced at it, but few come across as genuine-- most seem like they’re emoting in a practiced, clichéd way.

In the first verse, the perspective shifts from first-person singular, I, to first-person plural, We, quickly (by the second line). The “we” might not necessarily be One Direction, but the stream-of-consciousness lyrics, as vague as they may be, are pointed.

Seeing the pain side in this house of fear

The way he describes the basket swaying can also describe the way he hung out with friends-- bandmates, perhaps:

Left to right Sit and talk shit all night

And then he switches to the things he hears said to him:

You don't even wanna know about the things I hear Quick fix Headlines shine bright, you're the fuckin' deal

And then he switches, again, to speak to the person talking to him, realizing that the relentless stream of words being directed at him-- both the praise and the insults-- are meant to put him in a state of constant confusion and insecurity, leading to anxiety:

I'm just wishing its [sic] ambition that got You your position You'll be fishing for far too long You're the bad guy in this movie And I ain't wrong, I don't breathe the pollution And the only solution Is making shit confusing

They are given the lures of material success, Harry’s Rolex watch, for instance, or Louis’s Porsche, which he couldn’t yet pay for:

Wanna take days watching chains and gold rings I'm getting caught up in the feelings that they bring A lack of sanity, losing touch with reality

They were not taken care of emotionally, psychologically, nor physically. Lucozade, the drink and the symbol, is not medicine. It’s a physiologic stimulant, a counterbalance to the various ways they were scared and goaded, to the anxieties caused by the the expectations they faced, to comparing them to each other, to the real middle-of-the-night recording sessions that kept them from actually resting after a concert, to the stimulants the boys used to keep themselves awake, including smoking.

It breaks my heart to see this clip (0:32) (where Louis said, “Ungh, I hate this bit, trying to wake Zayn up”). Thus these lyrics about trying to heal oneself:

Time heals pain and promotes self-soothing When the scares [sic] are gone you can't see bruising

[How weird for Google to have “scares” in the official lyrics when Zayn actually sings “scars”-- sort of a Joycean-Freudian slip.]

To go back again to the title of the song, lUcOzAdE. Lucozade is not a drink we have in America, so I had to do a little reading. Although it’s marketed as a sports drink, Lucozade, like other energy drinks, is heavy on sugars and caffeine. At one time, it was used to treat hypoglycemia.

I am reminded of Zayn’s history of eating disorder associated with his anxiety while in the band. Lucozade symbolizes an artificial way to keep people going under these conditions, when they physically cannot tolerate real nutrition, but are drinking sugar and caffeine to function, to physiologically, if not emotionally and spiritually, be alive. It is an extended metaphor for life within the band, when real problems are covered up with pretty, sparkling, sugary, amped-up plasters.

In his own words:

"Something I've never talked about in public before, but which I have come to terms with since leaving the band, is that I was suffering from an eating disorder," Malik writes in an excerpt obtained by The Sun. "I'd just go for days -- sometimes two or three days straight -- without eating anything at all. It got quite serious, although at the time I didn't recognize it for what it was."

Malik said that his eating disorder reached its height in November of 2014.

"When I look back at images of myself ... before the final tour, I can see how ill I was,' he wrote. "The workload and the pace of life on the road put together with the pressures and strains of everything going on within the band had badly affected my eating habits."

"Food was something I could control, so I did," he wrote.

I’ve read some fan accounts that accused the other band members of not recognizing Zayn’s eating disorder, even when he had become notably thin.

Zayn’s own words suggest that being in the band, having the company of bandmates, actually helped him to cope better.

When I was in One Direction, my anxiety issues were huge but, within the safety net of the band, they were at least manageable. As a solo performer, I felt much more exposed, and the psychological stress of performing had just gotten to be too much for me to handle—at that moment, at least. Rather than hiding away, sugar-coating it, I knew I had to put it all out there.

“Sugar-coating.” An ironic word with respect to this song.

I think the last verse is hard to interpret (about a relationship with a woman). I don’t know Zayn’s history well, and I’m not going to try to interpret it. It is a sort of epilogue. The music does not move anywhere-- it’s stuck in stasis, with the words hung on three notes, 3-2-1 on the scale, always ending on 2, part of the dominant, or V chord of the scale. This means that the song is never resolved, just like his song Still Got Time-- it never goes back to the tonic, or home key. It’s not a cohesive part of the song, and it seems to detract from the rest of the song, If I were Zayn’s co-writer, I would have advised that he cut this part off.

The last thing I will say about lUcOzAdE is about the song’s climax-- thematically and muscially. It’s a very loosely structured song, as I said before, hovering on the dominant chord, more like a rumination than a typical pop song with its verse-chorus structure. The only time that the harmony modulates coincides with these lyrics:

I'm sad about shit that never happened No lies in my eyes Nothing but truth will lay in my mouth I'm tryna fuckin scream but the words won't come out Ooh ah Tryna fuckin' scream but the words won't come out

The highest point in the song, and one of the few times Zayn slides into a high falsetto, occurs on the words “Tryna fuckin’ scream” (the second and last time). I love this effective synthesis of words, music, and meaning. The fact that the line descends, and then transitions to the last, meandering verse, is sad, to me. It means that this moment of clarity, these moments of intense, intelligent knowing, merely lead to more mind games, more lies (”the elephant in the room”), and more confusion.

The fuck is going on? I think I got it wrong When I told you I was over you or were you under me?

Again, not knowing Zayn’s situation, it’s hard for me to connect the lyrics to what’s happening in his life, but the song clearly sets down a statement of ongoing, unresolved uneasiness and pain.

Sea

#lucozade #zayn #mind of mine #MoM #songwriting #Zayn's songs #Ed #eating disorder

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