#tears of the kondom
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AND
the sheer sexual horror of ganon now manifesting in the overworld as eyes and hands
eyes
and
hands
EYES. 👁️
HANDS. 🖐️
#hand /with/ eyes no less#groping and roaming all over a helpless twink in whatever outfit strikes your fancy#we got adventurer we got barbarian we got girly#we got swimming trunks we got ninja we got slutty#we got ethereal we got nostalgia fodder#you name it#hands*#ganlink#TotK spoilers#tears of the kondom#despite everything#Zelda as a franchise remains overall fetish-friendly#whoever came up with the gloom hands ilu#whoever greenlit it thanks you're a hero#the fanart I've seen so far was chef's kiss too
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What would be your ideal Rammstein setlist 👀 I want to see some taste mhmm
my ideal rammstein setlist is rammstein pussy music mostly. definition unclear. this is probably not what you wanted but you’re getting it nevertheless:
armee der tristen - this is not pussy music but it is necessary to start with this because it makes me want to tear my hair out
das alte leid - hallo hallo drum solo. ich will ficken
bestrafe mich - it is fundamental that till whips out the whip
links 2 3 4 - march to that pussy beat
keine lust - go crazy go stupid
giftig - peow peow peow music
bückstabü - hol’ ich miiiiiir (groans)
laichzeit - we are just vibing and raving. hey what about the lyrics? dont worry about it
ich tu dir weh -barbed wire in the urethral tract. what
mein teil - this is penised pussy music
dicke titten - the band strips and shows their dicke titten
❗❗❗ dj kruspe time❗❗❗
(more under the cut)
bück dich - frau schneider and her dogs comeback (but they won’t crawl anymore because their knees are old)
mehr - bark snarl hiss growl mehrrrr
weit weg - i need some crazy laser show with this because we’re in outer space. i only accept weit weg enjoyers on this blog btw everybody else unfollow
stein um stein - if this song fucked any less i might be able to talk about it more
puppe - for the mental breakdown at 2:03. pussy music trait
heirate mich - this but till and paul need to have that 90s kissie like they used to
OK - ohne kondom. enough said
te quiero puta ! - *schneider voice* it means what..blushes
du hast - if du hast isn’t there would it be a rammstein show
sonne - arggggh (punches you)
❗❗❗small stage time ❗❗❗
mann gegen mann - the guys have to perform this naked it’s my setlist my rules
🚣🚣🚣 boat time 🚣🚣🚣
ausländer - if they kiss that’s fine or whatever
pussy - i feel like if till didn’t get to sit on his industrial dick he’d be very sad puppy eyes about it
rammstein - to get dry after pussy
sehnsucht - it really is just so grausam (it comes so late in the setlist bc i forgot about it)
engel - with the wings<3
i didn’t give it much thought 💞
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domen föll på en morgonflight till london
som tysta tunga steg på väg mot dig
domen föll trots att du alltid använt kondom
å med lien på svaj väntar din gamle vän
och som ni lekte när ni var barn
du stod i givakt med din rygg rak och tog fyrahundra slag
sömnen kom och du som låg så rätt i tiden
domen föll som tårar mot din skärm
sömnen kom som en åsikt högervriden
men mot dollar och yen så blir döden lätt ett skämt
och som ni lekte när ni var barn
du förlorade ditt krig du står ensam kvar
och ingen kommer till ditt försvar
så du står givakt med din rygg rak och tar fyrahundra slag
judgement fell on a morning flight to london
like silent, heavy steps coming toward you
judgement fell even though you always used a condom
and as the scythe swings your old friend awaits
and just like the game you played as children
you stand with your back straight and take your four hundred blows
sleep came for you right on time
and judgement fell like tears on your screen
the dream came like a twisted right-wing opinion
but against the dollar and the yen death easily becomes a joke
and just like the game you played as children
you lost your war, you stand alone
and nobody comes to help you
so you stand with your back straight and take your four hundred blows
---
happy pride time to listen to a song that always makes me want to cry even when it's not june
#apparently the 400 blows thing is a swedish schoolyard game#where you have to stand straight and not flinch while your friends hit you with sticks#and just. (lays down)#sweet tunes
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Ambarawa Mon Amour
katamu saat itu
air di danau di tengah kota kecil itu
tak akan pernah mengering
seperti memori yang selalu basah...
yah kenangan. cuma kenangan.
tapi bukan hanya danau itu saja --
bukit itu.
sungai dekat bukit itu.
cuaca yang dingin.
bintang bintang.
kopi yang hampir dingin.
kita berciuman di antara perahu sampan.
rawa yang memantulkan cahaya bulan.
kota kecil kerajaan angin itu lagi.
ciuman itu.
kabut tipis itu.
perahu kecil itu.
losmen murah kota kecil yang lain.
bulan itu! bulan yang merah jengah wajahnya karena cemburu itu!
kau yang telanjang dan hangat.
sungai kecil itu.
di kaki bunda maria.
pasar itu. rumputan itu.
kondom lima belas ribuan yang tak jadi dipakai itu!
air matamu.
air mataku.
ciumanmu.
pelukanmu.
airport domestic terminal.
notif bbm.
airport domestic terminal.
senyumanmu.
pelukanmu. ciumanmu.
kau yang telanjang dan hangat.
(aku selalu terpesona dengan dadamu yang dewasa itu.)
gelas gelas bir. musik bising. stanza stanza yang tak kau mengerti.
puisi itu. french surrealist
mabuk dan racauanku yang menjengkelkanmu!
pertengkaran sepele itu.
air matamu itu.
on the road. hitchhike. allen ginsberg,
jack keroac, here we come!
riders on the strom. there're lovers on the road.
a little house on the farm.
aku duduk sendiri merokok diselimuti dingin
malam mendengarkan terompet miles davis.
sepeda motor.
(dua belas jam aku naik sepeda motor hanya untuk kembali padamu!)
kota kecil kerajaan angin itu lagi.
kamarmu yang berdinding piagam.
kau yang telanjang bulat dan hangat.
makan siang terakhir. the last supper.
kau yang telanjang dan bulat.
(ah, catching tear-drops in my hand)
pelukanmu.
ciumanmu.
matamu itu.
hidungmu itu.
mulutmu itu.
wajahMu itu.
airport domestic terminal.
jangan nangis, galuh.
jangan nangis.
je t'aime, galuh.
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Nefarious, anti-Zelink localization choices in TotK
I would argue that they are not a thing.
So what I’ve been seeing, is mostly discourse around The House.
Mainly, that one line in Zelda’s diary, where Zelda refers to the house as “my house” in the English text as seen below:
The argument seems to be that she does not say “my house” in the original Japanese. I’ve even seen people go as far as to claim she wrote “our house”. Aight, let’s take a peek then:
So indeed, there is no trace of 私の家 (my house), but neither is there 私たちの家 (our house). It’s just 家 (”house” / “the house”).
As you know. Pronouns aren’t nearly as pervasive in japanese as they are in English. I do think it’d be strange for her to use a possessive here, like, you know. Given that we know that it’s this here house she’s referring to, y’know. And she’s writing in her own diary, there’s no need to specify. Like, It’s the house. This house. What other house is there that she had an extra room built at? None, of course, right. Right.
So anyway, what’s the correct translation then? ~I don’t know.~ If you wanna stick close to the original jp’s lack of possessive here, you’d say “the house”, i guess, but listen: “my house” is a perfectly reasonable option, as well. I know some of y’all hate that it makes it sound like she’s excluding Link here, and sure you’re allowed to feel that way but. I. don’t think it’s wrong tbh honest???
And “our house” would have worked, too, probably, but then it would have leaned a littttttle too heavily on the Zelink and I can sort of understand that they want to keep it at least a little nebulous. (because 1. that is what they do and 2. it’s more fun that way)
And unfortunately “our house” would have also contradicted another little piece of info found in the Japanese version regarding... the well, again. more specifically what the game calls the well.
In English it is referred to as Zelda’s Secret Well. And that is what it is. It is very much the well that was built for her own purposes, and it is a secret chamber. No complaints here.
The well is labeled a little differently in Japanese, tho. The game calls it ゼルダの家の井戸, which could translate to "Zelda's house's water well" or "the water well by Zelda's house" (or whatever else you can think of that has “Zelda’s house” and “well” in it, probably, im just giving examples so u get the idea).
(click here if you’re on desktop and can’t zoom in but want to)
So, in fact, you could say that in Japanese, the house is clearly stated to be Zelda’s house. Woops, back to square one it is, then.
But do you see? Are you seeing? While Zelda does call it “my house” in the English text seemingly leaving no room for Link, you could also argue that the localization team went out of their way to not call it “Zelda’s house” when they absolutely could have. By calling the well “Zelda’s secret well” instead of going for a closer-to-the-original “well outside Zelda’s house”, they recreated a little bit of room for speculation. Wow!!!! Cool!!
And this is just like. One little tidbit I decided to focus on, but my point is:
There is no secret anti-Zelink agenda in the localization team. Translating means making choices, you might disagree with some of them, but that does not make them wrong or vile, I don’t think.
And the siege mentality I’ve seen some people adopt regarding Zelink strikes me as very misplaced. We are eating good. There is food aplenty. Why are you digging for extra scraps that may not even exist?
Granted, comparing the original text with its translations can be super fun (heck I enjoy it, to an extent!), but try to think about your own attitude as you do so. Try to go into with curiosity and humility in your heart instead of righteous vindicativeness. You might find that more satisfying.
Now of course, sometimes translation errors do occur, and criticism is warranted, but try to take a step back and ask yourself if this really means the localization team are a bunch of buffoons who either have no idea what they’re doing or are actively trying to ruin your Zelda experice, or if, perhaps, instead, sometimes people fuck up. For various reasons that you may not be aware of.
(Rereading this i now realize that i am tone-policing and. Yeah. I am. deal with it)
One more thing, you don’t have to believe randos who claim “X is canon in Japanese and they censored it in English”, especially if they’re not elaborating or providing evidence. (You can choose to believe them if you want to, at the end of the day, but just be aware that you believed without seeing. So think before you spread the word around, right?)
One final, final thing, you can always set your nintendo switch to Japanese and experience the game in its original language, for yourself. Isn’t that the coolest? I wish this was possible for all games. Thanks, Nintendo!
#anyway i don't care about any of this#MY zelda is french and annoying neither jp nor us zelda are canon to me#Tears of the Kondom#totk#wake up bestiiiiies kon is posting discourse#discourse that she has no business sticking her nose in but hey its the internet#no but like seriously this whole#'oh in japanese it meant something else'#'oh in japanese that is a lot more emotional and spiritual blahblahblah'#i am tired#like im sure it is the case sometimes but#the japanese text is not a magical treasure trove where all your wishes will be fullfilled#sometimes tadaima just means im home and im home works just fine to convey the emotions its meant to#this is another debate entirely#just#idk#whatever peeps#Zelink#localization discourse#oh and uh#disclaimer: i don't know japanese actually
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Kind of a given, but, the pictures found in Zelda's house are all nods to the Princess Sightings quests!
Here you have the Princess and the Beast (those are dondons)
This one's Zelda's Golden Horse! (that's the piss horse right there alright)
This is from the Missing Farm Tools quest (Magda and her iconic flowers)
White Goats Gone Missing
and finally Gourmets Gone Missing!
Upon my first visit I just thought those were pictures Zelda took of things and moments she loved while she was out and about (and, I mean, that is still what they are), but gradually realising that they were all linked to the actual quests was so touching. One more thing that cements her presence (and absence AHAHA) in the world, Zelda really was there, aaaaahhh. (and if Zelda's diary is to be believed, Link was never too far when those pictures were taken, probably.) It fills me with indescribable joy, aaaaaa
#TotK#anyway hyrule just feels so alive in general idk#not gonna develop here but I felt deep sadness actually when I first saw the house#I'll never forget what it was like walking in there#finding all her things knowing that she's gone#TERRIBLE#but also great#also I say zeldas house but I believe it to be the Zelink House also#Tears of the Kondom#theres also a big ol' bucket of salt in the house#good.
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no no but
endgame spoilers for TotK
listen that fight with Big G-man where they made him berate you if you fuck up or he manages to knock you down??? they knew exactly what they were doing they
you
you know. the don't-be-such-a-silly-little-boy 4chan post
#it was like that#tears of the kondom#ganlink#> <redacted> <gender TBA>#>about 5'4 but I don't let it get to me#>meet 6'6 guy in the chasm below hyrule castle#TotK spoilers#spoilers
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the thing is. the writers did include dialog of Ganondorf calling rawru out for descending from the heavens and taking over hyrule. thus basically undermining his legitimacy as king
like. it's in the game. is the issue handled well? no. after all it is the Evil Guy From The Desert Whom No One Should Side With spouting the anticolonialist rhetoric. like yeah that definitely sucks but. hey at least the talking point exists in canon.
no like, hey someone actually told a king of hyrule to his face that he had no business ruling anything and like. c'mon it's just too good I can't just leave it there
and like for that reason I'd be hard pressed to fault anyone for seeing rawru as a Nasty Self-Important Colonizer Who Made Hyrule Bad. Does the game actually want you to perceive him that way? probably not, you're supposed to side with him, definitely. butttttt what if I don't want to, yknow. what if I want to despise him a little. as a treat.
and like. Ganondorf is probably definitely trying to weaponize resentment against the Zonai rule to further his own destructive, self-obsessed agenda for sure. aaaannd once again I sure would have enjoyed it if characters that aren't evil got to question rawru's legitimacy butttt it's a Zelda game so nope nope nope all sages from every race agree with and defer to king rawru because they're good boys and girls nothing to see here :)
shit the more I think abt this the more mad I become whew good thing zelder is abolishing the monarchy right
#rawru hate tag#tears of the kondom#tho Im not even sure I'd call what Rawru did colonialism given that it's just him and his sister like#they don't have a whole ass nation that they're loyal to. like. can you do a colonialisation if there's just two of you?#they did a Road To El Dorado#that being said actually mineru is cool I like her she is allowed on hyrule#funnily enough I probably wouldn't have minded rawru if it weren't for what Ganondorf said#but he said the thing WHICH MEANS on some level the writers realize that you can direct some amount of criticism against rawru lmao#would love to hear what the sage of thunder had to say about Ganondorf and what her reasoning for siding with rawru was#would love to hear from any sage really#UGHHHH each and every species and ethnic group is just destined to serve the crown forever bleeehhhhhh#this is why I joined the yiga clan#totk spoilers
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this outfit's kinda doing it for me tho not gonna ngl
#TotK#I know everyone's raving about the frostbite dress#and yes IT IS GOOD#but idk I dig this vibe too#catwoman sexy you know#coincidentally this is my combination that has the highest defense#so link has to wear it for real not just for the meme#at least for now#Tears of the Kondom
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The mere thought of aiming anything sharp or pointy at this dragon filled me with self-loathing so
#also no joke i really just want her to eat the hateno cheese#(this seems to work with just about anything#including liquid stuff like chuchu jelly)#my only problem is wanted a horn shard so?????? whats up#i also tried throwing stuff at the claws a couple hours later but to no avail#i may have to actually do something I will regret.....................#at some point.#totk#totk spoilers#tears of the kondom#still im happy i can do this at least#i guess you could say I 'cheesed' it hahahahyahahahah
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it happened like this:
cheese did not exist until TotK split the timeline again and all the events following link giving Zelda the master sword across time take place in this thereby created Cheese Timeline
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AU where unbeknownst to Mineru, the dragon transformation only applies to Zonai and when Zelda eats the rock she becomes an immortal bunny instead
the master sword just. lies there. Zelda keeps it warm and bathed in sacred power as best as she can with her tiny body
#or she can be a blupee idk#it's fine because that place gets sent to the sky#so no one's coming to steal the master sword or shoot the bunny until link eventually shows up#totk spoilers#Tears of the Kondom#not to undermine the dragon transformation ofc#im glad she was allowed to become HUGE and ancient and lost
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aw look who showed up right as I started building a house
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so right the the dragon outfits. that are styled after the three dragons. especially the headdresses. like, the horns and stuff, right. so...
so we’re getting the Light Dragon outfit in DLC right??????? :D
#the horns are pretty#link would look great in it im sure#and its ability would be......#uh...........#attack up when it's sunny?#or uhh#it continuously heals you like#1/4 heart every 5 seconds or something#or maybe that's too OP yeah probably#or maybe it boosts that master sword's attack#or makes it last longer#totk#Tears of the Kondom
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one thing that i didnt really expect (but probably should have) from totk is everyone in Hyrule knowing that Zelda is Zelda. Like, that princess who sealed herself w/ the calamity 100 years ago and emerged victorious (with some help). And they’re so nonchalant about it, too. like oh ye here goes our undying princess, taught me how to make this really gnarly stew, helped my daughter catch frogs, she’s super chill
then again this is ppl who’ll read about the resurrection of the Demon King from ancient history in the papers and go “oh sounds nasty i’ll be careful out there, then :)” we’re talking about. i love them so much they just accept everything
#they just never panic#unless you use ultrahand within 10 feet of them now THAT is terrifying#tears of the kondom#to be fair arent we the same#neverending stories about the world as we know it ending in the news and im like 'aight ¯\_(ツ)_/¯'#(tho tbh honest#it probably helps that there are long-lived races out there who actually were around when the calamity happened#so the whole zelda thing doesnt seem as surreal i guess#idk#)#oh yeah also i love that the press exists in totk
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and by "I would love to know why that Gerudo from 10k+ years ago agreed to join forces with rawru" I mean like. yeah I absolutely headcanon that it was a Lesser of Two Evils situation, but I want to hear it from her mouth
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