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mikaze-discord · 3 years

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Class S: Love letters

This is the Class S+ Cecil love letters!!

Please enjoy under the cut

TOKIYA ICHINOSE

From Riri:

Maybe it was his midnight-blue hair, or perhaps it was his ocean eyes, but the very moment I laid my eyes upon him my mind immediately thought, “Wow, he’s very good looking… charming... I really like his vibe.” That was the first reason why he piqued my interest, rather, the initial reason why I fancied him. My eyes were drawn to him and the fact that Kay bombarded me with a truckload of his pictures didn’t help at all, I just fell deeper into the hole. But as if that wasn’t enough, she started spamming me with utapri songs and I fell in love immediately. They are all such good singers but there’s one of them who sticks out to me the most, as expected, it’s Tokiya. His voice has this intricate and refined softness that seemed to caress my ears and touch my soul. He has such a sweet (and might I add a handsome) voice, kudos to Miyano Mamoru for that.

So I started watching the anime and through that, I got to know him better. At first, he seems cold with an air of loneliness and uneasiness dawning on him. But as the series progresses, I discovered that he’s a good-natured, warm, and dedicated person who loves singing and music with all his heart and all. He’s hardworking, dedicating everything to his craft. He has pride in it, so when he was told that his singing has no ‘heart’ it affected him a lot. That caused a lot of distress in his system, and the fact that his company is pushing him to pursue other things than being a singer added to that. His passion for his craft is burning, a fire that no one could put out. That’s one of the things that I love about him. He’s dedicated to everything he does. He’s a perfectionist but he’s also a caring person who cares a lot about the starish members. He’s genuinely a good person but that doesn’t mean he’s perfect. He strives for improvement and development all the time. He helps the members whenever they need. Most importantly, his attitude towards his passion is respectable and admirable.

I might’ve said a lot of things but I guess that only means I love a lot of things about him. He’s such a beautiful soul that inspires me to be more dedicated to my passion, to make my dreams come true no matter what it takes. His path towards his dream was rough, it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows but that’s life, isn’t it? Despite that, he kept walking towards his dream. He’s admirable, respectable, and irresistibly loveable. That being said, I love all the things that made his character; that made Tokiya Ichinose be the kind of character that he is right now.

PS. Miyano Mamoru played a big part too. His insane talent gave life to Tokiya’s character.

From @poorlydrawnutapri:

When I first watched the Utapri anime like 6 years ago, having a best boy didn't cross my mind. At first, I was just most interested in Tokiya out of all the boys because I just thought he looked cool. I liked how mysterious he seemed and also, his hair, probably just because it was blue tbh. Either way, good design.

However, what really got me attached to him wasn't his looks. I then liked Tokiya's serious personality. I like how he starts off cold and stoic but how throughout the games and anime, he slowly softens up. I didn't just like his personality, I could also relate to his perfectionism and hard-working side, even when he exhausts himself, which is something I admit I also have. I continue to relate to him now after all this time, and that's why he's such a good character to me.

Besides that, his songs are nice to listen to and he has just a very pleasant voice. It's nice just to go listen to his voice after a long day. In a way, liking Tokiya also got me into the whole Utapri franchise: made some friends, made a couple of good memes, all that kinda stuff.

Also, I feel like it's a crime not to mention this so: he thicc. Like, dang, no wonder the guy only eats salads because all the fats he eats goes straight to that ass of his. (I am sorry that you had to read that.)

Overall, I just think he's neat. To me, he's relatable and has a nice character development. Tokiya is and will continue to be my best boy. :)

REN JINGUJI

From @incorrect-jinguji-ren:

Ren Jinguji, the 5th member of Starish is without any shame my favorite character of the Uta no prince sama series. Though often disregarded Ren is and always will be my most favorite and I firmly believe that he has one of the most, if not the most depth in his character. I love Ren a lot however because of his surface charismatic attitude he is usually labeled as a “playboy” or a “lothario”. This is not correct and it should never define him, as he actually is one of the most gentle and compassionate characters of the series. Ren has a very deep surface characterization and personality that is never usually recognized unless you truly take the time to understand WHY Ren acts the way he does, and WHY he makes the choices that he makes. My favorite part about loving characters is being able to accept them for their demons and embrace what others would see as the “imperfections” in them. That Is the best way to truly love them. I love Ren because of his motives, choices, and most of all his passionate loving heart. Although the pain he hides and the personality of who he really is, is hidden under a mask of charisma, he never loses himself deep within.

He’s misunderstood, but he’s beautiful. He’s so deep, from the everlasting devotion to loving his passed on mother, to always cherishing memories and the past bond he had with his childhood best friend Masato, to going against what his brother wants of him because he wants to fight to have a choice and to be passionate about something that he wants to love, because HE wants to love it. Ren didn’t have the love that a lot of people had at such a young age, he made a path for himself and along the way succumbed to the human faults that we all falter from within the hardest times in our life or even dicult events. He almost gave up, just as I know many of us had almost done before, as I know and can relate to, and still do now.

But he dusted himself o and picked up where he left o, making himself happy from once the feeling of being a hollow shell with no reason why he even existed to realizing that the most important thing in the world to him was cherishing the people who made him see the world in colors and seeking the choices that had been stripped from him at such a young age. He broke free from the chains of his family, his past, and his regrets to spread a beautiful pair of rose wings, his own wings to fly. And I hope he always flies. I will always love him, and wish nothing but the best for him whatever that be.

From @chips-and-vodka:

Ren Jinguji- the sexy, charming and flirty member of the STARISH boys. The youngest of the Jinguji family, a troubled child who grew up without a mother. A person who possesses many charms and is blessed with the gift of beauty. A red rose he was, beautiful yet his thorns are to be avoided. Beneath his passionate and seductive mannerisms there is a boy that craves genuine affection, from the one he truly adores and cherishes.

Ren Jinguji to me initially was one with a beautiful, attractive deep baritone, who is voiced by none other than the legend- Suwabe Junichi himself. The voice is an accurate fit of how this stereotype of a charming bishie should be, youthful and sensitive, and at times warm and seductive. His portrayal brings out the appeal of the character, the emotions and thoughts a troubled young adult such as the ‘useless third son’ lived through. Many would see him as a romantic one, one who showers those around him with attention and passion. Within however lives a rebellious soul who distrusts many, but still somehow desires that ray of sunshine that brightens his lonely soul.

Ren Jinguji is one that deserves real love, someone who appreciates him for who he is.

SYO KURUSU

From Jules:

Why do I like Syo, huh? Well, there are a lot of reasons! Some of them are more personal ones. First of all, Syo has always been my best boy, since UtaPri (the anime) exists. So ten long years now.

His fashion style is the first thing I noticed and it immediately intrigued me. I remember that my first thought, after seeing him in season one, was “Woah, he looks really cool!” even though Syo was just in his school uniform! I think what also made me interested in him was his energetic persona. The way he looked up to Ryuya Hyuga and wanted to follow in his footsteps was really sweet to me as well. Syo’s enthusiasm and positive attitude actually encouraged me to become stronger in a way too, if I’m being honest. I, personally, have always found his songs motivating and they made me feel better. I really came to love Syo in his episode in season one. When he talked about his childhood and how weak he was, I really felt with him. From that moment on I cheered him on and Syo definitely became my favorite character. My interest never wavered over the next seasons either.

I also have personal reasons why I love him so much. I just feel very connected and relate to him a lot, y’know? We have quite a few things in common. Syo and I have the same eye color, we have both played the violin since we were little, and were born weak and with pretty much the same health and heart issues. I like to say that Syo “saved” me, which is true. There is also the fact that the blonde and I are both on the shorter side (and regularly get teased for it), too! Though, I’m even a little shorter than him.

But to be more positive again, there is just so much more to him than meets the eye at first! Syo is more than just the stereotypical short sporty character. He really cares for his friends and wants the best for them. Syo’s friendship with every STARISH member is different but still close. He’s also protective of the ones around him. Syo really cares about his little twin brother too, which can be seen in the games and the few times he talked about him in the anime. Syo’s big heart easily balances out his, sometimes, tsundere behavior and I love him for that. This blonde idol is just a great guy and deserves all the love he’s getting and more.

Seriously, stan Syo Kurusu, guys!

From Vic:

Syo Kurusu is my favourite idol within the utapri games and any other form of media pertaining to the franchise. He is my favourite idol because of several factors, one of which being that his voice actor is Hiro Shimono, who voices Zenitsu from Demon slayer and Lucifer from “Devil is a part timer”. Syo is a very outgoing character and is talented in many aspects athletically. Born with a heart disease, he continues to persevere throughout the myriads of life’s problems in front of him.

He’s extremely outgoing and is proficient in the martial art of Karate and desires to strengthen his body more than what it is currently. He is best friends with Natsuki and can communicate with each other proficiently. Syo is my favourite character within the franchise because of his resolve, perseverance and great chemistry with Natsuki and his teammates. Hiro Shimono did the character justice by making his voice one of young, adventurous and energetic. With that said, Syo is a character I truly enjoy within the franchise and wish to see more of him.

CECIL AIJIMA

From Anon:

Greetings, princes and princesses, and welcome to a world of princes, questionably talking cats, and magic! I’m of course talking about Cecil Aijima, our foreign prince of UtaPri! So, why do I like Cecil Aijima? It’s borderline ridiculous, but it’s because of Cecil’s birthday. More specifically, Cecil’s Birthday Cruise card. But, I should start at the beginning.

Back when I first watched the anime, I thought Cecil was a little bit of a brat towards literally everyone, and one of my least favorites at the time. After watching through the rest of the anime though, I started to like him a lot more than I did before. To me, he had matured a lot after season 2, and never turned back to that bratty self. And so, when playing SL, he might not have been my favorite, but I didn’t hate him. Then, that one fateful day, I decided to pull in his birthday gacha. To my surprise, I had gotten the card in my first pull! Then the story dragged me into the Cecil Appreciation Group. I thought the story was incredibly cute. Then I got more Cecil cards so I could read more stories. Then the cycle repeated itself again. And now, well, if I’m writing this, I think you know what happened to me afterwards. I’ll be here, doing my best for him.

From Eden:

The boy with childish like demeanor but continues to have a heart of gold for his friends and wonderful composer.

I remember first watching Utapri in middle school and questioning. "Well shit- this is my life now..." and I didn't really have a favorite character at the time. I was always bouncing between characters like Syo, Otoya, even the teachers. However it was season 2 that made me realize who my true favorite was. Despite his at first cocky nature when he was first introduced, Cecil to me was amazing! His singing was magical, his origins even more fascinating. You wouldn't think Utapri would turn that down the magic route but it somehow did.

As the seasons went on, and as I got more into the series, he just became more of a love to me. His kindness and child-like nature and curiosity, he felt different than the other characters.

I love the other characters, yes but him?

Something about him just felt right! He not only seems to be a protector for those he cares about but also feels like he would be the best person to be around. Always wanting to do anything new and exciting just to peak his curiosity and to learn more. Ever since then, he has always been my favorite. The one and only Annapolis Prince, Aijima Cecil.

#utapri #utanoprincesama #uta no prince sama #Tokiya ichinose #ichinose tokiya #ren jinguji #jinguji ren #syo kurusu #kurusu syo #Cecil aijima #aijima cecil

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dreamerhideout · 3 years

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enhypen genshin impact!au hcs

characters: enhypen

word count: ~200 words each

warnings: mentions of alcohol for jay’s part, lore inaccuracies (i haven’t caught up on dragonspine event lore yet), spoilers for mondstadt + liyue main quest

a/n: i’m supposed to be working on something else but this brainrot got to me first... anyways, i’m assigning their visions + weapons based off a few fan theories i’ve read~ please enjoy my word dump! :D

more under the cut!

jungwon

okay so we’re starting off with our leader! hmm... i’d say that he has a geo vision

why? idk, i’m half sure it’s based off how calm and composed he is; i do kinda think jungwon is a picture of maturity and elegance (he literally has to take care of six children wdym)

it was kinda hard for me to choose a weapon because i kept going back-and-forth from sword to polearm, but my final pick for him would be polearm

yes this would mean that he is zhongli

a polearm would probably suit him because i see him as the kind to want some kind of control over his weapon (not saying he can’t control a sword). at the same time i feel like he’d want something lightweight which won’t bring him down

i think he’d work with the knights of favonius. working with the liyue qixing could also work for him, but considering the tension between the adepti and the qixing + the social climate of liyue makes me think that he’d want somewhere more calm

acting grandmaster jungwon? i’m down for it

spends time near the mondstadt church; he likes the peace and quiet of it

heeseung

from the get-go i knew he’d have a hydro vision

this one theory i’ve read says that hydro vision users have a strong sense of morality and justice (i guess i also interpreted it as balance) and heeseung seems like the kind of person who does

for weapon, i think he’d prefer to use a sword. we see that he’s good in a lot of areas when it comes to being an idol, so he’d perhaps want that versatility in the weapon he uses as well

hello xingqiu (wait i kinda think this fits)

i don’t see him particularly associating himself to any organization, so i think he’d simply be a wanderer. he goes from country to country as a vagabond, battling monsters along the way in order to perfect his skills

at the same time, i also see him making a lot of friends and having a bunch of connections from just about any corner of the land (more to acquaintances i suppose? heeseung doesn’t seem like the kind to let people in very quickly)

is probably very curious on elemental reactions and might be studious in a way; he would want to learn alchemy

likes stopping by mondstadt’s library when he needs to look up on something. probably keeps in contact with alchemists too

jay

oh man this is going to probably be very stereotypical

pyro vision, hands down. i was considering an electro vision for him at first but the amount of passion he has in doing the things he loves (primarily hip-hop) screams pyro to me

he would also have a claymore because let’s be real, he’d want something to get the job done quick; claymores are literally the weapon that causes the most damage

yeah he’d be diluc. or xinyan. whatever your pick is

bonks monsters for fun, fight me on this

association... i think he’d be a part of the adventurer’s guild. he strikes me as the kind of person who’d want some kind of reward for something he does for fun (in this case, mora. and a bunch of other items you can get from katheryne once you complete your daily commissions)

this is probably how he meets all his friends. if he wasn’t a part of any association, i don’t think he’d have many (not saying that he’s unable to make friends, he’d choose not to unless necessary)

strives to be a well-known adventurer, probably takes up more commissions than the average one

likes spending time in places with good ambience, food, and booze. probably is a regular at angel’s share and liyue’s street food stalls on days he comes to town

jake

i think he’d have an electro vision. it’s something about the way he fiercely cares for other people that makes me think that this suits him best

okay hear me out but i think he’d be amazing with a bow and arrow. he seems to have the tenacity and upper body strength for it, and i don’t think he’d particularly want something that could do a quick kill, like a sword or claymore per se

uhh... yeah he’d be fischl, i suppose. idk this realization was a bit weird to me but it doesn’t seem so far off from happening

sometimes uses his skills to shoot at fruit from trees; it’s a pretty good party trick

association-wise i don’t think he’d wanna join any, tbh. he’d be an “everyone’s friend” kinda guy. unlike heeseung who’d have acquaintances from all around, jake would generally want to befriend different kinds of people (helps around wangshu inn sometimes because of this)

still though, i think he hangs with members of the adventurer’s guild a lot

don’t be surprised if you catch him befriending a member of the fatui-

i also see him really immersing himself in the culture of each country he visits

he’s the guy who pets all the animals, especially the dogs

also seems like the kind to purchase or collect raw meat just to give to the stray animals he meets on his travels

sunghoon

oh boy am i excited for this one

okay so i know this is stereotypical but... cryo vision. honestly, having a geo vision would also be possible but remember that one time childe said something around the lines of the goddess of cryo having such a warm heart and she loved so much to the point it froze? yeah i think i’m basing him off the tsaritsa-

weapon would be a sword. i considered choosing a polearm for him but i think he’d want something slightly heavier that would get the job done, but not necessarily a claymore. do i think he has the capacity to use a claymore if he wanted to, though? sure why not

hello kaeya (or qiqi, if you’d wish)

okay okay this is where it gets fun... imagine sunghoon as a member of the fatui

mmm villain!sunghoon we love to see it

he’d honestly probably be on the road to becoming a harbinger? like, we see how he works very hard at ice skating and idol training, who’s to say that he won’t climb up the ranks real quick?

yes jakehoon brotp agenda is still on so they would be friends (though honestly their friendship is kinda uncanny)

when i thought of stuff to write for him i kinda think that he’d like liyue a lot; the tradition and order feel like home to him. this also fits lore because there’s more fatui appearances in liyue compared to mondstadt

also seems like the kind to wander around the city when things start to calm down for the day; if he’s not being tasked on a mission, he sometimes likes to head out to huaguang stone forest

sunoo

sunshine baby

okay i think he’d have an anemo vision (and this is not because he reminds me of venti). there was another theory that said that anemo vision-holders are hard workers who sometimes don’t give themselves enough rest, and sunoo seems to make the cut. he’s crazy hardworking at things he know he’s lacking at and strives to improve

i think he’d have a catalyst (yes!! we need male catalyst characters!!); i can see him absolutely fascinated by the way catalysts work like... “there’s no solid object engineering the attacks so... what is that? it seems so cool!”

so yeah he’d be sucrose, hello

i also think he’d want to be a part of the adventurer’s guild! it keeps him busy plus he likes helping people :D

would then be introduced to jay (and possibly jake) when he’s assigned to do a commission with him. honestly he’d prefer doing commissions with others rather than doing them alone

has a hard time killing monsters because he finds them cute (especially slimes). i think he’d also empathize with hilichurls to a degree

i see him residing in mondstadt most of the time; he’d also like talking to the locals a lot (has a high rep because of this)

loves trying out local cuisine, some of his favorite dishes include sweet madame and zhongyuan chop suey!

ni-ki

oh i’m also kinda excited for his too

so i initially thought he’d have a pyro vision, but after some time i figured he’d have an electro vision instead. i think it’s this weird sentiment i feel that he’d protect his passions with his life (in this case, dancing; he’s literally inseparable from it), so there’s that

totally looks like the kind to have a polearm. he definitely would want something lightweight that he could lowkey flex with

sadly he doesn’t have a genshin character twin yet :(

would also not have any affiliation whatsoever; he just traverses the land like the free spirit he is

occasionally would tag along with some adventurer’s guild members, but doesn’t like the idea of people telling him what to do; he creates his own adventures instead

am i the only one here who thinks that he’d honestly run really fast here (hehe speedy boi)

he’d love dashing through mondstadt’s plains (particularly springvale), sometimes slashing monsters left and right (he likes liyue’s scenery but the terrain is way too mountainous for him)

one thing he does like about liyue though is playing with the kids in the harbor. he’d get them toys with the extra mora he receives when helping people (big brother ni-ki agenda hmm)

#enhypen #enhypen imagines #enhypenwriters #yang jungwon #lee heeseung #park jongseong #sim jaeyun #park sunghoon #kim sunoo #nishimura riki #enhypen jungwon #enhypen heeseung #enhypen jay #enhypen jake #enhypen sunghoon #enhypen sunoo #enhypen ni-ki #jay park #jake sim

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your-fave-is-catholic · 4 years

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Final Words

Hello everyone, this is Mod Danny once again!

Before I retire from this blog, I’d like to share a few things so that you guys can get a proper sense of closure.

To start off, I have to say I’m very impressed with how well this blog has done! It was so wonderful to learn that Tumblr has several wonderful Catholic users, & I hope I succeeded in helping you guys come together & helping you realize that you’re not alone in this great big world wide web!

It was also a lot of fun discovering the various wonderful celebrities & fictional characters who share our faith. I especially would like to thank all of those who even shared some celebrities/characters through the ask box. Thank you, those contributions have been very helpful! So, to make it easy for you guys, if you want to check to see if a celebrity or character you like is Catholic, you can visit the archive here. (Fair warning: a few of them are April Fool’s jokes, so be wary of those ones.) Hopefully you guys will check that out & find someone you admire who shares your faith.

Overall, I think I did a great job bringing Catholics together, & I also hope I’ve helped some of you rediscover the faith & see it for how great it is!

Anyway, here’s something I should let you guys in on: even though this blog has been retired, I am leaving the inbox open in case you’d like to share some interesting stuff with me or ask me questions. However, I will be disabling the anon feature, so that way I can respond to you privately.

I’m also going to share some links with you in case you’d like to find me in other places, in case you’re interested:

· Main Tumblr blog

· Elephant related Tumblr blog

· Narnia fan art Tumblr blog

· DeviantArt

· Instagram

· Twitter

Before I close this farewell post, I’d like to share some wisdom with you guys to help you all going forward:

1. Please always do your best to be kind & respectful to all those around you, even if they don’t believe the same things we do or if they’ve forgotten some things on their spiritual journeys. I now it can sometimes be hard, but believe me wen I say there’s nothing more rewarding than being kind to others! Plus, our Lord Jesus commands that we do this: “Do unto others as I have done unto thee” & “Love thy neighbor as I have loved thee”. Plus, at the end of the day, we don’t know what other people are going through, so it’s just best to be that bit of sunshine in the lives of others, whether it’s a famous person or not.

2. Please don’t ever forget that it is NEVER too late to ask for forgiveness & for God’s love & mercy. I now we should always strive to be as good as we possibly can & to value our rules & beliefs, but we are still human & we’ll probably make several mistakes during our journey that we call life. But even so, if you do stumble & sin, remember that it’s not the end of the world – you will be forgiven if you are truly sorry. So don’t ever be shy & take full advantage of confession whenever you can.

3. Finally, please remember that, no matter how alone you may feel with yourself or with your faith, YOU ARE NEVER ALONE! For one thing, God is always with you & He loves you! Additionally, as this blog has proven through its posts & those who follow it, there are other wonderful Catholics out in the world, & thus you’ll never be alone in your faith!

Anyway, that’s all I have to say. Thank you guys so much for all of your great support, & I hope you continue loving one another & loving the Catholic faith. May God bless you, & hopefully I’ll see you around!

-Mod Danny

#Catholic #retirement #retire #final #final post #Thank You #wisdom

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class1akids · 4 years

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bakugou for the character thing!

favorite thing about them

His single-minded focus. I really love how much he wants to be a hero. Not just any hero, but the greatest. And he works so hard to get there; he trains like a maniac, constantly pushes himself, he studies hard, and despite his pride, he’ll scrub the floor with his toothbrush if that’s what it takes. I love how he’s never content, and always strives to be better.

least favorite thing about them

His meanness. Not the I-care-but-I-will-hide-it-behind-aggressiveness kind, but when his inferiority complex takes him over and he becomes genuinely mean, thinking that he’ll regain his self-worth by pushing others down.

favorite line

Haha, so many. I love his sassy name-calling (unless it’s really mean), his potty mouth, every time he yells “Walk behind me!” and also when he gets serious, introspective and supportive.

On a funny note - I find this line hilarious. Bakugou genuinely cannot comprehend that people can be bad at something, when it all comes so easy to him.

brOTP

That’s easy. Kirishima. Sunshine boy somehow saw through all his posturing and managed to break down his defenses before Bakugou realized, where everyone else failed. I think Kirishima befriending him is one of the best things that ever happened to Bakugou and made him a much better human being.

OTP

TodoBaku - the dumbass, sassy energy of them is just captivating. I’m a multishipper and pretty easy about this, but I think TodoBaku has to be my No. 1. ship. I love the rivalry the grows into a friendship despite how much Bakugou fights it. I think Todoroki being completely unfazed by his anger is a good thing for him, but also learning to care for someone who is an abuse victim and seeing that it doesn’t mean they are weak. I think Bakugou being so self-centered is a good thing for Todoroki, who really struggles to find himself and feels like he’s drifting a lot. Bakugou is like an achor.

nOTP

I don’t really have any NoTPs with him that I saw. But I don’t really like Bakuchako for the wider narrative implications (another thing he can take from Deku)…even if I love them as friends. Bakugou brings out my absolute favourite gritty Uraraka who stands up for herself. Also, I just have a very hard time seeing Bakugou as straight, so I don’t really ship him with any girls.

random headcanon

Bakugou has a box full of All Might memorabilia, many of them matching Deku’s things. He also kept every little present he got from Deku as a kid.

unpopular opinion

I don’t know if it’s unpopular, but I don’t think Bakugou ever went out of his way to torment Deku. It was more like he felt threatened by him, so whenever Izuku tried to get into what Bakugou felt was his “space”, including the goal of being admitted to UA, he lashed out ferociously trying to push Deku away.

song i associate with them

This AMV irrevocably associated Whatever It Takes with Bakugou.

favorite picture of them

He has such an expressive face. I love pretty much all the faces he makes - the funny scowls, the ferocious energy, the cocky smirks. But I think I love most those moments when he drops the act, and you can see the naked emotions on him as they play out real time.

Master list - all character asks

#bnha #bakugou katsuki #character asks #bnha meta

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manshibansal-blog · 4 years

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How did Literary Theory came to shape?

Comprehension of literary theory many a times begets a question that what was the body of theory about literature that has existed from centuries as an underpinning for the study of literature? The answer to this question can be traced from 4th century BC when Aristotle had set the ball rolling to study literature through his Poetics. In this piece of work, Aristotle renders a defining word for the genre ‘tragedy’ while maintaining that literature is about character and the curtain that hides ‘what a character is’ is removed through his actions. Tragedy, as he puts it, should stimulate the emotions of pity and fear, which can be put as sympathy for and empathy with the scrape of the protagonist, which cause a resultant factor by dint of amalgamation of these emotions, namely ‘catharsis’ whereby these emotions are exercised as the audience identify themselves with the predicament of the central character.

Now, the second milestone in the track so instigated was embedded by Sir Philip Sydney. He belonged to a religious age which was chary of accepting any kind of fiction and poetry, and it had so framed its beliefs that it would identify these practices of writing as evil, the work of the devil. In such an age he took a valorous step by letting his work Apology for Poetry (1580) see the light of the day. He was bent to stretch the horizons of the definition of literature that was first rendered by the Latin poet Ovid (43 BC- AD 17), which is docere delictendo – to teach by delighting. Sydney also quotes Horace (65 – 8 BC) to the effect that a poem is ‘a speaking picture, with this end, to teach and delight’. The study of literature, here, renders a central position to receiving of pleasure unlike philosophy which is uplifting but do not allow space for fun. Sydney’s aim was trailblazing; he wanted to distinguish literature from other forms of writing on the rationale that literature’s primary purport is rendering pleasure to the reader, and any moral or didactic element is either subordinate to it or at least unlikely to succeed without it.

Now, here comes the time for the third milestone to be cognised. This step towards the evolution of theory had been taken by Samuel Johnson way down in time, in the eighteenth century. He marks the commencement of the tradition of practical criticism in English, since he is the first one to offer a detailed commentary on the work of a single author. His Lives of the Poets and Prefaces to Shakespeare can be viewed as majorly contributing to his idea stated above. Prior to Johnson it was only the Bible and equivalent books of other religions that were subjected to such an intense scrutiny.

The fourth milestone on this road was embedded by the major thriving of critical theory in the works of the romantic poets, namely William Wordsworth, S. T. Coleridge, John Keats and P. B. Shelley. One of the indispensible contributions in this regard is Wordsworth’s Preface to Lyrical Ballads which blends high literature and popular literature, as it encapsulates literary ballads constructed on the model of the popular oral ballads of ordinary country people. It renders space for the new idea that poetic language should be much like the language of prose avoiding the conventions of diction and verbal structure that had held dominion for so long. It also drags attention to the issue of the relationship between ‘literature’ and other kinds of writing.

The other essential work from the Romantic era was Coleridge’s “Biographia Literaria”. Much of the space that it occupies explicitly addresses the idea contained in Wordsworth’s Preface. He gainsaid the notion that the language of poetry must strive to become like the language of prose, and the major way to entertain the readers, according to Coleridge, is through the language in which the text is written; it entertains via its fictive qualities which become the source of aesthetic effect.

P. B. Shelley’s A Defence of Poetry (1821) reckons that poetry is essentially engaged with ‘defamiliarisation’, since, according to him, poetry purges from within us the view of familiarity and compels us to feel what we perceive and imagine what we already know. This phenomenal critical document foretells T. S. Eliot’s notion of impersonality put forward in his essay, ‘Tradition and the Individual Talent’ (1919). It also gives a hint of Freud’s idea of mind as made up of conscious and unconscious.

The concept of unconscious is very often found in Romanticism and is implicit in everything written about poetry by another key figure, John Keats. He did not formally write about literary theory but reflects on poetry in his letters, for instance in a letter to Bailey of 22 November, 1817, he writes that the simple imaginative mind may have its awards in the repetition of its own silent working coming continually on the spirit with a fine suddenness. Here, the silent working of the mind is the unconscious and the spirit into which it erupts is the conscious. Keats’ notion of negative capability also records unconscious as paramount.

After the Romantics the next milestone was embedded by the work of mid and late Victorians: George Eliot, Matthew Arnold and Henry James.

The focus on the concept of ‘close-reading’ in the 1920s had partly popped up from the works of Matthew Arnold. He remained a crucial figure in the history of English criticism.

He feared that the atrophy of religion would leave a cleaved society with no common system of beliefs and values, and this would be a potentially disastrous consequence. Thus, he came up with a solution that literature can be a possible replacement for religion in this regard and also weened that the middle classes on whom the responsibility of democracy majorly fell, had been debased by materialism and philistinism. So this became the apt timing for the critic to jump in and help people in cognising the best that has been known and thought in the world and therefore, it enlarged their capacities to identify and approbate the canon of great works that had been carved out of the wisdom of the ages. Arnold seems to be bringing to sunshine the advocacy that he had for the amateur. According to him, if one has not read everything but have read the best and is able to pen down its qualities, then he can have the confidence to write and reach a true judgement on it. This veering change announced a direct relationship between the reader and the great literary works/writers.

His momentous thoughts are found in the essay titled The Function of Criticism at the Present Time and The Study of Poetry. He has brought to prominence the conviction that literature must remain disinterested that is, politically detached and uncommitted to any specific action, and the motive behind literary criticism is to attain pure and disinterested knowledge which in his terms is to see the object as in itself it really is.

His key literary-critical device is the idea of ‘touchstone’ where he advocates that there must always be in mind the lines and expressions of the great masters and they must be applied as a touchstone in framing critical appreciations of other literary works in order to render a ‘real’ rather than a ‘historic’ or a ‘personal’ stance.

The next salient contribution in the canon of critical ideas has been made by T. S. Eliot, and his prime formulations are:

1. Dissociation of Sensibility – Eliot coined this term in his review article on Herbert Grierson’s edition of The Metaphysical Poets in the seventeenth century where he backed the idea that thought and feeling must be separate.

2. Poetic Impersonality – Eliot developed this term in his two-part essay, Tradition and the Individual Talent. This term can be viewed as his way of deflecting the contemporary thinking about poetry from the ideas of originality and self-expression which were raised to prominence by Romanticism. More than perceiving poetry as a mere outflow of emotions and personal experience, he saw it as transcending of the individual by a sense of tradition which spoke through, and is transmitted by, the individual poet. Hence, there is a fine line of distinction between the mind of the individual, the experiencing human being and the voice which speaks to the readers.

3. Objective Correlative – This is a notion developed in the essay On Hamlet, which is the encapsulation of English empiricist attitudes. According to objective correlative, the best way to show emotions the doors in art is through gesture, action or concrete symbolism rather than approaching it implicitly. This runs, perhaps, parallel with the ancient distinction made by Plato between mimesis and diegesis.

Finally comes in the last name on the list which is F. R. Leavis, the most influential British critic prior to the theory movement. He also, like Arnold, saw that the study and appreciation of literature is a pre-condition to the health of society. For him, the abstract thoughts were insignificant and he wanted to look for a system which would by-pass fixed criteria. Like Arnold, he turned down attempts to politicise either literature or criticism implicitly. But, he differed from Arnold too as he took the past great writers more or less for granted. He composed essays, radiating the essence of his method, which hit the reputation of some major established figures.

Leavis began as an admirer of T. S. Eliot’s critical works but he steered clear of shaping out critical vocabulary and deployed terms and phrases which already had set meanings. For him, what makes a work worthy is its conduciveness to life and vitality. In 1932 he founded an important journal called Scrutiny along with his wife, Q. D. Leavis, which they produced together for twenty-one years. As the title itself suggests, it extended the ‘close-reading’ method beyond poetry to novels and other materials. He can be reckoned as a combination of Samuel Johnson and Matthew Arnold because he offered former’s moralism and the latter’s thoughts concerning society.

#literary theory #tragedy #formation of literary theory #impersonality sensibility corelative

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uhxrp · 4 years

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member groups

these are open to interpretation. our site’s member groups include seven character groups as well as four side groups that we’ll give you the run down on just to keep everything transparent. something to remember for our character groups, however, is this: you have full power on which group your character falls into. we understand that characters, just like people, often fit into many different groups, and sometimes it’s hard to choose. because of this, we just ask that you pick the one that makes the most sense to you, the one that seems like the best fit even if they have qualities of other groups. basically, as long as you can rationalize it, we’re good. the choice is entirely yours.

Our member groups are as follows:

BLOOD MOON - #c991a1

the staff. this group is for the members of the site staff team.

this is a side group.

SOLAR ECLIPSE - #c99c91

the leaders. these are naturally commanding, self-assured, decisive characters. they are the 'leaders of the pack', so to speak. these are the ones to make the final decision. unfortunately, great power also comes with great sacrifice and these characters tend to be demanding, haughty, inflexible, intolerant, overbearing, and ruthless at times. these characters are the ones to make things happen, which can be good but leads to a power struggle between responsibility and power. these characters are leaders, but being a good leader means listening to the will of your followers, and the balance is not an easy one to master. still, those in this group are magnanimous, calm in stressful situations, and they inspire loyalty.

aesthetics. aficionado of history, badass in a nice suit, cunning concealed by painted lips, delighting in the waves, doves, eloquence, expensive watch, flash of lightning, flirtatious winks, force of nature, gets turned on by danger, high-rise buildings, juggling multiple events on their busy schedule with ease, lenny face, maintains order, most likely to be voted class president out of their peers, natural charisma, nightmare-filled nights, planes soaring through a cloudless sky, pretends they don’t have feelings but they do, proud arm around their lover’s waist, running on coffee, sees the world as a runway, staring wistfully from a balcony, strolling along the beach, strong handshake, technician on the piano, the sea washing their ankles, thrives on attention, thunder in their heart, unapologetically sexual, wants to be adored, your girlfriend thinks they’re attractive.

NEW MOON - #c9b991

the newbies. this member group is what we call our registering members, those who haven't been accepted yet. everyone will start off in this group.

this is a side group.

MOON MOON - #bec991

the forgotten. this member group are those who have been archived, but don't sweat it. we allow for character reactivation at any time, should the need occur.

this is a side group.

WANING CRESCENT - #a1c991

the artists. these are naturally creative, sensitive, and dexterous. these characters find the future and make it discoverable. they see the world as a place to build and admire. these are the artists, the entrepreneurs, the inventors. these are creative spirits with unique ideas, outlooks, and inspired souls. they can be artificial, moody, self-destructive, and flaky - but they can also be spontaneous, refreshing, and romantic.

aesthetics. always up-to-date on the latest technology, cool rain, cows grazing on a pasture, crafting masterpieces, dark eyes that penetrate your soul, devil-may-care smile, does it for the vine, downs glasses of wine as they relax with a scented bubble bath and netflix, files that under ‘fuck it’, fingers dancing across the keyboard of a laptop, folded maps, hand clutching a string of pearls, hoodies and sneakers, ink-stained hands, large chandelier with glittering crystals, long drives on the highway, loving and hating fiercely, marble and gold, neatly-organized music sheets, notebooks filled with poetry, paint brushes, paint coated boyfriend jeans, pictures of the sky while flying on a plane, resting bitch face, romance to realism, spontaneous road trips, will steal your french fries.

LUNAR ECLIPSE - #91c9b9

the inspirational. these are the optimists, those who are uplifting, motivating, and energizing without even trying. these are your visionaries, the people who turn terrible situations into manageable ones with ease. they reassure you, encourage you, and cheer for you on the sideline. but these aren't just side characters, these are the people who create revolutions. these people bring good intentions to life. these characters also have a strong downside though, often coming off as irrational and fanatical in their die-hard beliefs and own decided moral/ethic code.

aesthetics. blueprints for future projects, broad shoulders, cherry blossoms, clothes smeared with paint, coffee shops, colorful coral reefs, compass with a spinning arrow, cotton candy, even their muscles have muscles, fixing up a busted up car and giving it cool upgrades, flame burning in their eyes, fondness for diy projects, goes jogging in the morning, grocery shopping, handwriting that flows across the page, holding hands, knee high socks, leather jackets, love confessions, ma and pop diners, mood as ever-changing as the sea, nimble fingers playing the strings of a violin, owns several sketchbooks yet always yearns for more, puts googly eyes on everything, revolution in their kiss, secret daggers, sexual tension, spicy food, stirrer of passion, storm with skin , striking a match, stroking the soft fur of a cat, sweaty brow, the calloused hands of someone who knows labor, the roar of a motorcycle, the sea casting its spell, their heart pounding as their horse’s gentle trot speeds into a gallop, tousled locks, velvety singing voice that haunts your dreams, waves crashing against the shore.

WAXING GIBBOUS - #91bec9

the intellects. they question everything, they look at everything in a different way. they find themselves naturally curious, studious and academic not because they have to be but because they feel this undying need to be. they're analytical strong left‐brainers who question every reality of this world and pursue the answers endlessly. they're dependable while remaining independent, conventional but investigative. they can be arrogant, they can be reclusive, but they are beautifully brilliant.

aesthetics. a shy kiss on the cheek, a steamed up mirror, abs that can cut steel, ancient buildings, armor that intimidates, balls of wool displayed on shelves, big fan of logic, breathless laughter, campfires, can kill you with their brain, dipping your feet into a swimming pool, discerning gaze, eye for architecture, glittery eyeshadow, go-getter, hair done up, heads to the library often to research, loves brain teasers, matte nailpolish, modern buildings, natural lipstick, old books, owl perched on their finger, plays the sims for the sole purpose of building houses, pottery classes, quiet museums, rainy days, sharpened pencils, stargazing, stoic statues, storm clouds, studied the blade while everyone else was busy getting laid, sweaters in neutrals and cool colors, the glow of your phone at night, the patience of a lifelong teacher, the rooftop of a building, unreadable face.

BLUE MOON - #91a1c9

the unknown. this group is for those first viewing our site, our guests and potential new registers. this is the main look of our site, prior to becoming a newbie.

this is a side group.

FULL MOON - #9c91c9

the entertainers. they are built with more charm and charisma in one pinky than most others have in their whole body. these characters are naturally engaging, articulate, and expressive, often the people who keep the world turning by making it an enjoyable place to be. characters like these remind us what it means to be human and how to feel emotion. unfortunately, they can also be a bit arrogant because of this, as well as dramatic, demanding, and deceptive.

aesthetics. arrow to the heart, art galleries, bathing in the sunlight, beautiful cover of wonderwall, being made of gold, being the baby of the bunch, collecting vinyl records, creeping vines, drunk shitposter, glitz and glamour, grand opera houses, hanging out at music festivals with their friends, healing touch, inspiring loyalty, lives for the applause, masquerade balls, on their sixth glass of wine before you’ve even finished your second, playing multiple instruments, pouring champagne into flutes, probably has a tinder account, receiving a standing ovation, rich fabrics on dark skin, rolls of film, rose caught between their teeth, seductive smirks, shattered chandeliers with broken glass scattered across the wine-spilled floor, shunning lies, sleek-furred panthers, sleeps naked, smile mingled wrath, speaking in prophecies, sporting shades, stage productions, tasting like sunshine, the powerful urge to create, theater masks, turning the volume up, untamed curls, wild parties that last from sundown to sunup.

WAXING CRESCENT - #b991c9

the survivors. they can be forceful, but are loyal to a fault. these are the protectors, those born with determination in every fiber of their being. these characters don't know when or how to quit, always striving to be the best they can be in every aspect of their lives. problem is, these characters are often seen as brutally blunt, sometimes intimidating and hot-tempered, and nearly always unforgiving of mistakes, even when they themselves make them. these characters are people based on action, those who set goals and are always trying to move toward them. they can be persuasive or coercive, and sometimes find the balance between the two hard to find.

aesthetics. armed for battle, arrow hitting a target, bandages wrapped around bruised knuckles, blood on their hands and face, bonding while circled around a campfire, boxing gloves, curses under their breath, damaged goods, disheveled braid, exhausted, fear is a prison, fights against injustice, fist raised in protest, force to be reckoned with, freckles like constellations on their skin, gives piggyback rides, ignites revolutions, keen sense of a hunter, lying on the grass and staring at the stars, moonlight peeking through the shadows, more sensitive than what their tough shell will make you think, mother doe and her fawn, not being much of a people person, patience on 3%, piercing eyes, popping egos, protecting their kin, quiver full of arrows resting against the bark of a tree, red roses, running with wolves, scarred body, soft spot for children, the calm of the forest at night, the moon shimmering on a still lake, touches heaven and returns howling, wants to raise a dog with their significant other, warm hugs, well-worn combat boots, willing to fight the world for the ones they love.

WANING GIBBOUS - #c991be

the caring. their biggest battle comes in the form of service vs servitude, or the form of serving the common good vs losing their own power. these characters are naturally accommodating, compassionate caring, hospitable and altruistic. they are the ones who always takes care of you when you need it. they are dedicated in relationships, often coming off as the "mom friend" in their friend groups. on the opposite side, however, these characters can often be overworked, easily frustrated, and self-sacrificing. they are often prone to self-disparagement and can become a bit controlling. still, these characters are trustworthy, competent, warm individuals who often are just trying to help others.

aesthetics. being the mom-friend, can lift you and your friends, caring for someone, curls crowned with flowers, daisies dotted across a collarbone, dressed in silk and satin, fairy lights, field of flowers, flower in their hair, flowers kept in the pockets of overalls, flushed cheeks, folded pile of sweaters in warm hues, greenhouses, heart as strong as a mountain, hugs, laughter-loving, leaves rustling in the wind, picking fruit, playing in the snow, pulling out fresh-baked bread out of the oven and the smell wafting through the air, skin loved by the sun, smile that can bloom flowers, soil-covered hands, speaks to their plants, stalks of wheat, stargazing, staying up all night to talk to someone you like, sweet smiles, takes pride in their beautiful garden, the sound of a pen scratching against paper, travelling, twirling around in a pretty dress, values simplicity.

#unhxlyrp #groups #updates

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mountphoenixrp · 5 years

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We have a new citizen in Mount Phoenix:

Nut, the Goddess of the Sky, whose origins stem from Ancient Egypt. She is now the chief of the MPPD and a City Council member.

FC NAME/GROUP: Kim Jisook, Rainbow GOD NAME: Nut PANTHEON: Egyptian OCCUPATION: Chief Of Police, Council Member HEIGHT: 164 cm (5’5″) WEIGHT: 41 kg (90 lbs) DEFINING FEATURES:Nut hair color tends to resemble the color of the clouds in the sky while her eyes match the blueness of the sky since she is the sky goddess.

PERSONALITY: The caring & nurturing mother figure is the best way to describe Nut, she deeply cares about the well-being of others and wants what best for them while ignoring her own needs and problems. The goddess always is the one to take care of someone so she doesn’t know how to switch off. Nut is the most reliable goddess and always keeps her promises, she doesn’t know how to lie or manipulate others, unlike other deities. However, with her eagle eye observation skills she could spot out a bad egg from a mile away, she is awfully good so she believes deeply in the justice system there is no grey area only good or bad. This is why she pursued a career in law enforcement as all she wants is to create a safe environment so families can thrive in this crazy world. It really hurts her heart seeing others in distress and she has a distaste for men & women who seek power and uses unjust means to get it. Jealous & Greed is the grossest trait in any human, demi-god, god or goddess so she made it her duty to stop these types of characters wander the streets.

Nut always strives for peace and harmony among her social groups tends to be the one who they sit with and listen to their issues. She is not the most outgoing goddess as she likes to stay inside working on her arts & crafts projects or trying out new recipes or baking some delicious treats for her loved ones to try. Always she craves is a simple life yet she is always willing to jump into the fire to protect the people of mount phoenix. People who see her in the street or walking around she tends to see just a humble working woman who happens to be the chief of police and someone who deserves respect. MOM the word.

HISTORY: If someone looked upon about Ancient Egyptian Goddess Nut, the facts were her father & mother were the god of vital & the goddess of heat. Her husband was Geb, the god of the earth, that she has five infamous children Osiris, Isis, Seth, Nephthys, and Horus the Elder. That Sun deity Ra traveled through her every night to give birth to him in the day. Not forgetting to mention that Thoth helped her on bringing her children into this world too. Those were the facts about the ancient goddess Nut however there is always a little bit more to these stories. For starters, her husband Geb, the earth deity, she loved him with all her heart and wanted to protect him from the night sky because he was afraid of the dark. It was not all rainbows & sunshine since Geb did have a hostile relationship with their father Shu even challenge his leadership especially since he was the reason why she was separated from her lover Geb to create the cosmos yet it all stems back to the father-son jealousy.

Back then, Nut was blind to his intentions as she only wanted to protect others from harm way this is why she is the goddess who takes care of the dead on their journey into the afterlife. The moment she became pregnant with his children, she summoned the wrath of Ra another jealous god he forbade giving birth to them during the official calendar. Nut felt so saddened by this, she took comfort with one of her best friends which were one of the wisest gods of them all, Thoth. He found a loophole, he was able to play dice with the moon and granted Nut five extra calendar days in order for her to give birth to the five children. Immediately, the divine community shunned her children which only meant Nut loved them more than others. Being a mother is not easy especially to five children and not all of them tend to listen or do what she says.

Thankfully, her daughter Isis inherited her motherly instincts as she did look after her other siblings so she did feel quite proud of her. Osiris was a good child maybe even favored him more than others since he was certainly a good judge of character. Nephthys represent everything about being a good housewife another thing which she admired about her daughter. The two boys who struggled with was Horus and Set for completely different reasons, Set was always trouble child it didn’t matter what she did Nut could never get through to him. The day he killed his brother Osiris broke her heart into a million pieces despite everything he was still her son. Horus had some potential yet he always made her worry about his actions as he was brave and love to fly out of the nest. It is horrible watching her sons trying to kill each other and she blames their jealous strike from their father. After all that debacle, she decided to go live among the humans for while yet she discovered it is the same everywhere she went. Men & Women fighting over money or willing to step on each other to climb up the food train left an unpleasant taste in her mouth.

It was clear to the goddess she needed to help these poor unfortunate souls who caught in the crossfires so other the years, Nut has been caretaker throughout the ages from field medic on the battlefields of wars to humble nurse who tended the wounded and helps the sick children to a teacher teaching the children of the world on how to read and write and core values of this world trying to grow up to better than their ignorant parents. There were some humans who’re heart was so pure who made the goddess fall in love with them and take care of them for little way yet she was never able to stay cause she could never tell a human that she was goddess so leaving them to raise their child all by themselves. There is one career she felt she must useful which was working in the police department, she was a police officer for many years strolling the streets protecting the humans from criminal dangers. Nut watched the police force grow over the years in front of her very eyes, how the world changed over time creating even more dangers. If it wasn’t for her goddess youthful looks she would have so many worry wrinkles with the amount of stress this and nearly gave her heart attack few times but there was some hope when she started hearing whispers about this Mount Phoenix.

The goddess decided it was time to find a place to call home and settle down maybe create this ideal peaceful environment where she can watch others grow without no worries about being harmed. Nut came to Mount Phoenix taking the role of the new police chief so she brings law & order to this safe haven for the gods & goddesses. If her history has taught her anything, gods & goddesses need to be watched the most and that is why she joined the city council, she doesn’t know these other goddesses or gods but if they are like her own pantheon she needs to be part of the council to watch the others closely and help develop this city of gods.

POWERS: Naturally protective of others tend to sense when people are in danger or in need help with simple gut feeling. Stellar manipulation is key ability as she likes to create pretty shapes out of the stars and sometimes makes new ones when some of the stars fade out. STRENGTHS: Practical, Hardworking, Supportive, True To Their Word, Protective, Caring WEAKNESSES: Traditional, Struggles with letting go of the past, Unable to walk away from the toughest problems, Takes everything to heart, Workaholic

#kpop rp #krp #rainbow #kim jisook #rainbow jisook #mp; welcome

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captainkurosolaire · 5 years

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2019 - New Stars to Reach

A happy new year to everyone! With 2018 within the closed past officially, I wanted to set my sights and air out my new ambitious goals to inspire to reach towards while also giving positive highlight notice to the memories and progression last year granted me. Firstly though, I have to commit my progress I made in 2018 managed to hit a closure on the Sea Lurker Saga and storylines that I ran and mostly DM’d inside there and wrote stories with several incredible individuals so shout out to all those who took part was a great bundle of fun, despite I floundered as a leader. It served as a catalyst to find my feet once again at writing that I lost a spark of patience and endurance to do it from some conflicted drama previously though, I wasn’t able to really bite that off clearly until I decided to be more ‘presently’ active on Tumblr, here I got to see the endless array of fruit surrounding me from the talents all diverse and passionate about writing the lifeblood of what makes a fandom and this community has proven to be one of the best still I personally partook in. Of course, I didn’t have nothing but sunshine, I met my dark clouds went through loss, hit regression when it comes to my personal health from my rare disease, I took a few steps back before obtaining advantages. I saw my limits, my weaknesses and more understanding where I need to reach. With each year, I don’t move forward but I do slowly learn to jump higher, I take in things that will overall benefit me to propel me to the same dreamed destination. So with 2019, I simply am going to strive to continue to do what every year that I consider being a resolution worth achieving to become better than before. With the new servers mergings in FFXIV I hope to be able to get in more RPs with a bunch of people I met on here and that I been meaning to interact with more frequently until I find a new reliable way to do my discord ones in comfort. I still plan on throwing up some writing here too I appreciate all those who have read and given feedback to those! I really enjoy writing them up and I have tons of stories that I can write, a few fight scenes and other progressive storylines with my other characters I want to slowly delve into. Most likely get some more progress on my other project my own table-top game too in the mix. The 30-day FFXIV writing challenge proved to be a fitting gauntlet on me and push me to new heights, I might have hit the edge of my limits towards the end but it really fired me up! If another one comes this year most likely I’ll be participating once again and storing up some more story ideas for it again. Goldbrand Budokai 2 and some other shake-down battles I want to bring here though at-least the ones that solely involve my characters also since new expansion is Shadowbringers only fitting I do something around then that is more dark-themed in relation. With my spirit, soul and mind all on the same wavelength, I’ll hopefully be able to carry where my body leaves me in heavy-crutches and make some big splashes. I want to give a big notable nod and thanks to all the followers never thought I’d ever garnet the notoriety of four-hundred of you fantastic kindred people, I look forward to embarking on this upcoming voyage with all you and seeing you also raise an attempt, to try to give you the same sparked energy you motivate into me during the journey.

#Happy new years #Half-ass resolution #Behind the monocle #CKS #LSE #Still in this #Lets try to get 2019 to be the new 2012 #Much love to everyone #FFXIV #Inspire to always be the best you can be #That is all I wish #Hope to RP and interact with more of you #Shadowbringers #ffxiv screenshots

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okimargarvez · 6 years

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GUILT

Original title: Senso di colpa.

Prompt: post 14x06.

Warning: character’ death.

Genre: angst, drama, romantic, friendship.

Characters: Penelope Garcia, Luke Alvez.

Pairing: Garvez, Penelope x Phil.

Note: oneshot 38 in Garvez collection.

Legend: ⚰.

Song mentioned: Le cose che non dici, Tiziano Ferro.

GARVEZ STORIES

This story is dedicated to @thinitta because we are in the same pain and ansiety while we’re watching CM each on the other side of the planet XD

GUILTY

Luke enters the room and for the first time he realizes he doesn't feel like smiling. All those images of puppies and animals, those weird puppets can't do anything against his pain. She is turned back; surely, she must have realized that someone has entered, but she doesn't turn around to see who. He stays for a moment motionless to look at her and then he reaches for the empty chair next to her.

-Hey.- she says, turning slightly around to give him a brief glance, her fingers still typing on the keyboard. She would like to ask him how he is, but it would be useless, because

she already knows. And she is in the same situation too.

So, he finds a single loophole. -How... how is Lou?- Penelope wears a dress invarious shades of gray, not too long and not too short. A tight and sad smile is painted on

the woman's face before she answers.

-He misses him.- silence. For a few minutes the regular ticking of Penelope's skilled fingers on the keyboard is the only sound filling the room; it almost made him sleepy, or maybe it depends on the fact that he has barely slept in a week. I would just like more silence in what I do but it's impossible, it's too dark, I sleep and then, nothing. Not even Roxy was able to cheer him up. The bed was still too empty, the apartment no longer seemed the same since Lisa left. He would have liked to hate her for leaving him when he has needed her most, but he couldn't blame her. This damn job had taken a good part of his life, he was too difficult to be around. She deserved better. She deserves to not being anxious every time he leaves home; to not be afraid to see his corpse one day in the morgue of the hospital where she works. -Luke?- the voice of the colleague brings him back to earth. He manages to capture all the worry on her face, but denies it, because it's so much simpler.

-There is a new case?- focus on work, again. It is the only solution to not going crazy. She

shakes her head and her blonde hair dance. For a moment he has a vision: a child with a darker skintone than his and those same light hair of her; but it is only for a fleeting moment. He shudders, feeling cold inside, although she keeps her “batcave” constantly

warmed up, and he knows it, because they joked about it more than once.

-No, nothing, for now.- and then she is silent. It is clear that there's something, maybe something more important, that she doesn't want to tell him. Penelope feels his eyes on her. She swallows. It is the second time in her life that she doesn't know what to say to get

out of this embarrassment. Then she makes the mistake of letting her eyes meeting Luke's. -You... you don't need to do anything, ok? - she stretches her hand to touch Luke's one, but she changes her mind at the last second. She feels the same fear as when the elevator doors had opened, and he'd appeared with Lou on a leash; she had wanted to hug him so bad and tell him that she was there for him, but she had been too afraid of being rejected in that moment. -You don't have to stay here with me. I can do everything, so you... can... you can stay with Lisa. I wont tell anybody.- and she strives hard to smile, but behind her glasses there is a veil of tears in her eyes. Luke stares at her for a moment, unable to say anything.

She. Penelope Garcia.

You are no match for Penelope Garcia.

She. The ray of sunshine of the BAU, the glue of the team.

She, so funny and weird. She, so sweet and sensitive. She, so selfless and generous.

He has no more tears to shed. He cried them all, hugging Lisa.

He feels the need to laugh hysterically now. She, Penelope, who still doesn't know that he's single again, alone like he's always been. But this is not true either, and he knows it. But for a few moments he wants to bask in self-pity.

She'll never lie to him if their roles would have been reversed. Not even if she had been in love with him. She always puts the wellbeing and happiness of others before her own. Why he could not do the same? His best friend and... he could now consider her as another best friend, after all that they had gone through. Two of the people he loved the most, together. Phil, who has never been a playboy, deserved to feel happy. And with Penelope he would certainly have been happy. Who wouldn't have been ecstatic with her?

Silence still fills the room. She even stopped typing and now is staring at him. The expression on her face is unreadable.

Why he lied to both of them? Still, he knew right away that there was something between

the two. Shortly after Lisa and he had made their story official, Garcia (and it is necessary

to think about her by her last name) had insisted on paying them a dinner, as an apology for having inadvertently interrupted their first date, and as a way for snooping and getting to know more about Lisa. Inviting Phil had been obvious, automatic. But why, why the vision of his friends laughing and joking had been so hard for him? She, who flirted in her usual way with Phil? Those smiles on their faces.

It wasn't about the fucking excuse he had given himself when his best friend was still alive.

It wasn't a behavior of a concerned "big brother". Also because he wouldn't had any need to worry. The answer was there, clear, written in large letters in front of his eyes. It had been there more than three years ago, when Morgan had put his hand on Penelope's shoulder, and earlier, when she had flirted with Stephen on the phone.

Jealousy.

Pure, simple, wrong jealousy. He didn't want her to be with Phil. With nobody, actually. And it was a selfish, macho, horrible thought, something that he would never have thought of being. He had never been that kind of man before. And nothing could justify him. In fact, he didn't want anyone to pat him on the shoulder, taking away any guilt from him. No, instead he wanted insults, shouts, hearing what he thought is his truth. I tell myself "do it sooner" but the remorse is glowing, here...

It's his fault, if Phil is dead. If only he had allowed them to know each other, maybe they would have been together, at that moment, maybe Phil would have stayed with her, so...

So, both could have been dead by now. BAM. Again, a flash, a horrible vision. That beautiful blonde woman lying horizontally, her hands clasped on her chest, eyes closed, forever. Flowers, various types of flowers, everywhere around her. He didn't believe it was possible, and yet, Luke feels a twinge in his already too suffering heart. A moan of pain escapes from him, but maybe she doesn't notice. Maybe.

Or... or they could both be alive. And happy.

What kind of love was his, if he didn't want to see them happy? Sick, wrong. Better be in denial. Yes, denying is definitely the best solution. Deny, again, as he had done from the beginning.... I go against the wind or I resist, I don't know...

-Alvez.- someone calls him. He painfully comes back in the real world. How long has he been absent? It's Penelope. There is no one else in the room. She knows that the only way to save him is giving him a shock. -Don't do that again, please.- and she is not crying, but the pain and terror he reads in her eyes are enough to make him nod, though he doesn't know whether he will be able to keep his promise or simply... he's lying to her. Again. For the third time. Like Peter with Jesus. Without any rooster crowing.

You think about it and you don't admit it, but it comes and runs strong, here, my brain spinning out, it's sick, who knows... and you try with the Gospel to dry your faults that not even the handkerchief that you have always used will absorb...

Then, suddenly, without any stimulation from the outside world, it is like if someone pressed a button in his brain, and he can no longer keep his thoughts inside. -It was my fault, Garcia.- she doesn't seem surprised at all. -I lied to you- still no reaction. -I lied to both of you.- and to himself, too, and to Lisa. -After that date, the double date... Phil kept asking me about you. All the time. He liked you, fuck, he liked you a lot.- Penelope doesn't look angry, nor even in shock. There is something strange, unconsciously noticing it. -And you liked him too. I didn't tell him. He died without knowing it, he died because I'm a fucking liar.- he can no longer cry but his eyes turns red and his vision is blurry. It seems like a century passed before she answers to him.

She puts her hand on his, light, and nods. -I know.- so, everything doesn't matter anymore,

everything swirls around him, around two simple words.

I lose myself wrecked in the things you don't say, the ones that, at night, you are ashamed of it, hidden, but you do it, and you talk to friends, but you deny everything, sometimes, you wear scars, but nobody will see them...

-You know?- Penelope nods, closes her eyes and when she lifts her eyelids there is still no

trace of anger or desire to blame him. But she takes her hand off from his and brings it on

the other, on her leg.

-Yeah, Luke, you are not the only one who lied.- there are no words capable of describing the expression of the man when she begins her confession. -We did it, me, and him too.- she says while standing up and reaches a drawer of her desk, putting out of it what seems like a coin or a medal. Without needing her to ask him to do it, he opens his hand, palm up, and lets her giving the object to him. He recognizes it instantly. He can't speak anymore, but she'd never needed for him to speak to hear him, with or without five hundred and sixty hours of profiling course. -Shortly after that double date. He called me, told me that he wasn't used to have a dog, and that he needed help, knowing that I had taken care of Roxy every now and then. And that's how it began.- she sits down again, but away from him. -It was not your fault, Luke. He was at home and I was at work. It was not your fault, more than it wasn't mine, or it's the team's. I should have realized sooner that you, Lisa and him would have been the targets.- and here, she found the only way to stop taking all the blame at any costs.

-No, you couldn't know...- and she stares at him, as if to return to Luke his own words. -So... why didn't tell me anything? Why Phil has keeping asking me about you, if you two were already dating?- at his question she smiles, the first sincere smile of today.

-Because... because he knew you wouldn't agree or that you wouldn't like the idea of us

together. I don't know how he knew that, but he didn't want to tell you anything, and he asked me to do the same. And you'll admit that it was a huge thing, for me, keeping my mouth shut all this time.- she even tries to joke. -He wanted to wait until you were ready. We'd have told Lisa first, and she would have helped us surely.- Luke notices that she can't say the name of his best friend. He doesn't ask if she loved him, if they were happy, even if a morbid curiosity pinches him and pushes him to ask those questions aloud.

Perhaps because both answers are already there, in the way that Penelope talks about it,

in the sad sweetness that softens her face.

Phil knew. He had never told him about what he was feeling for his colleague, but he knew the same. He is, was, and will always be, his best friend, his brother. He had known, even before Luke himself, that he was in love with Penelope Garcia. And despite that, he'd pushed him into Lisa's arms. Why? A question that will never find an answer.

And why isn't Penelope asking him the reason why Phil thought he wouldn't be happy about them? Can she be naive up to this point? She knows his feelings too?

-Penelope...- she tells him to shut up with her eyes.

-You don't need to say anything. I know you wanted the best for us. It would have been a

strange situation, wouldn't it? Hearing me talking with JJ about my handsome boyfriend who is at the same time your best friend...- she smiles with tears in her eyes.

No, Penelope knows nothing. Yes, she is the queen of ice, of nice, of moderation... and ingenuity. -I'm sure we'd have told you soon, and we would have had fun, all six of us, Lisa and you, me and him, Roxy and Lou...- is the last straw; enough is enough.

And you feel a wave of affection, shutting it straightaway...

-No, I don't... I don't think it would have ever happened.- Penelope stares at him, this time surprised and confused. There are two things that press in his head to go out, one wrong and one right, one that he would like to say and one that he would bury in the depths of his soul. -Lisa left me.- her beautiful mouth, red, juicy, opens wide. -She couldn't... what happened was too much for her.- she sighs.

-I understand. I'm sorry, infinitely, because you two were good together, you were just so beautiful to watch.- and Luke knows she's not lying, unlike him, she really thinks this, because she's Penelope Garcia, the woman with the biggest heart that exists in the whole universe. -I'm sorry- she says again -but I understand that. I feel the same thing every time there is a damn case and you all get on the jet and I stay here, and I can only try to break the typing speed record to find the right information, so that you can catch the villain before he can kill others people, or some of you can get hurt... and I feel powerless, and I can only wait for someone to tell me that you're all safe, and you know what? I'm even happy to have been the one kidnapped by the cult, me rather than one of you, because for once I didn't have to wait, but I could act and...- and finally it happens.

There is only one way to silence her random digression: he presses her head against his chest, while his hands caress her back. -You are not powerless, nor useless, never, Penelope.- and the same is true for him. Although it is more difficult to accept. Because it's much easier to keep feeling guilty than to move on. Just as it was easier to date Lisa than to even attempt to do something with his feelings for Penelope. -The team would be

nothing without you.- he whispers, and she whispers back -Not even without you, Luke.- that hug, that had been postponed till now. And now it seems that neither of them is able to break away from the other. But she turns her head so she can breathe. -Phil- she finally says the name -would have asked you to be his best man, you know?- and immediately she feels guilty. This is one of her crap, that she said without even knowing the reason. -Sorry, I didn't want to...- his right hand moves from her back to her hair, the fingers sinking into the golden mass.

-You're not the one who should apologize. I should have been the happiest person in the

world, being the best man at the marriage of two of my best friends.- and the other half

of the sentence remains between the lines, but she understands anyway.

And finally, she asks him. -Why you wouldn't have been happy?- and finally she seems to

understand that this has nothing to do with the damn story of the big brother. That role belongs to Morgan. Derek would have come on purpose from Chicago to tell Luke to treat his baby girl right, otherwise... But then the time had passed, and nothing had happened, and then Lisa had arrived and he was happy, and then Phil had asked her out, he had done what his best friend had never been able to do, and it hadn't been for spite or a replacement, no, Phil had made her laugh, her heart jumped when they kissed. Like a punch to the gut, she sees their first kiss again. He was still in the wheelchair and she had

stumbled, ending up on his legs; she had immediately apologized, but he had stroked her shoulder, and then he had gently pushed her head against his own to make their lips met and finally silenced her. And again, she feels the urge to say something that is better if never gets out. I was starting to really love him.

-Because, because I'm an asshole, Garcia.- he forces himself to let her go, immediately feeling cold, ice around his heart. -Because I was jealous, selfish, and you should hate me and telling me to go fuck myself, because I deserve it. And because I need it.- she steps back, Luke steps one in her direction and grabs both her hands in a strong hold. -Please, Penelope, do it, tell me that you hate me, that you will never forgive me, that I didn't have the right to get in the way, say something!- he shakes her and she lets him. The man feels tears stinging in the corners of his eyes, but he can't cry, not again.

And you are looking for a virtual Purgatory because you are not being able to love, rewind your god of love, so you continue to pray in the narrowest and tighter darkness of what you've never said...

-No... I can't. I will not give you what you want. I can't do it.- Luke lets her go immediately and falls to his knees, grabbing his head in his own hands. -But there's something I'd like to know. What does it mean you were jealous? Of him or me?- nothing,

she is stills the usual sweet naive Garcia. His reply arrived after what feels lile centuries. He must free himself from this burden.

-Of him, of you, of both. I was, I still am jealous of you. It's not just about Phil. It's not because he was... he is my best friend. It was because he was interested in you and I didn't want him to. I know it's wrong but...- she stops his sentence with a sharp hand gesture. This time she doesn't look at all understanding. Her gaze is stern, although she seems to be trying hard to understand. She still wants to believe for a while that there is a logical reason that will allow her not to hate him. Even though she wouldn't be able to do it anyway. She wants to believe that the world is a better place to live in.

-You don't want me to be happy, Luke? Why?- only two tears, perfectly synchronized, on

the sides of her cheeks, run along the woman's face until they stop for a few moments on

the chin and then fall into the void. He hurt her. He has committed the greatest sin he could do and he will never forgiven himself.

-No, yes, it's not that simple. I want you to be happy... I feel bad when I see you sad, from

the first time it happened, but... but I don't want you to be with someone else. And I know it's wrong, selfish, that I was with Lisa and I had no right to... that I wouldn't have it even if I was single... and even if we were together and...- he can't look her in the eye. He doesn't want to find out what she thinks of him now. He doesn't want to see that.

Delusion.

-I don't understand.- she just says, and she sounds so dull that it's much worse, worse than if she had shouted at him or had slapped him. And the shadows fall and you can discover every flaw that jealously in your limbo you will hide, you will conceal, you will cover, you will spit, you will touch, you will warm, you will pan, you will forget, you will slip, you will slide, you will flapping or not, you will watch, you will know, you will hide, I don't know...

-I want... I wish you were happy, but... but with me.- and after having said it, everything

seems simpler, in the right perspective.

-But you would never have left Lisa for me, right?- her voice is tough, as he had never heard it before. And he trembles.

-I... she is... a fantastic woman, beautiful, smart, nice. You said it too. We were fine together. But she is not... she is not you. I think that, even if this is even more selfish... yes, I would have left her, if I had known to have a chance with you.- she moves one step backwards and ends up against the desk, the computer screen turned off, neglected, abandoned. Her left hand bumps several puppets and one of them falls on the ground.

In the shape of a cat, black and white. They both follow with their eyes the fall and then

they can't help but staring at each other in that way, in their own way, in the way they have looked at each other since the first time they met, intense enough to make both of their hearts beating with hope, ambiguous enough to let them behave like cowards.

-You, stupid Newbie!- she points an accusatory finger against him. -You would have had

a chance, if only you tried!- and finally, she's shouting, as he had asked her before. -I will

not stay here forever waiting for you, if that's what you think. I'm not a souvenir that you can put on a shelf and leave it to gather dust, until you find it convenient. Is it clear to you?- just a few tears frame her face. -Now, please, go out. I told you, I can handle it alone. And I need time to process all this. It's too much. Too much.- and she turns her back to him. Luke feels his legs so heavy, his head spinning like a pinwheel, and yet, feeling even more of an asshole, he wants to laugh, to shout out for the world to see that she loves him too.

But he doesn't reach for her, he doesn't hold her close, he doesn't kiss her, although he would like. Instead, he forces his body to move, to go out, to close the door. To do the right thing. Because for once leaving doesn't mean being a coward, but means not being selfish, putting first what the woman he loves needs more, rather than his own desires.

Although it may sound absurd, sometimes "disappear" is the most sublime act of love...

(Gaetano Cuffari)

#garvez #penelope garcia #luke alvez #criminal minds #cm #luke x penelope #penelope x luke #garcia x alvez #alvez x garcia #penelope x phil #garcia x phil #tiziano ferro #le cose che non dici #post 14x06 luke

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fusonzai · 3 years

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Salvation through writing 2: Life goals and horny Frank Ocean

There’s a phrase in Japanese called Ikigai, it contains the character for living 生 and the character for worth 甲斐 combining to mean “reason for being’’. There’s a philosophy around it mainly dissected on Youtube about how Japan believes everyone has a job that they’re right for. You know you’re ‘doing Ikigai’ when you find a job nourishes your soul whilst benefiting society. Finding a job that you’re good at, you enjoy doing, something that benefits society and puts food on the table is the path to a fulfilling life.

This concept of Ikigai is applies to everyone. Not everybody wants to be a rich professional entrepreneur/snake oil salesman. Everybody has their own unique skillset, strengths and weaknesses that suit a variety of vocations. Ikigai asserts that some people genuinely enjoy and take satisfaction in performing tasks others might deem menial. Therefore, anybody can find their Ikigai; be it a janitor, bureaucrat or international hip hop artist.

After the decade defining album ‘Blonde’, Frank Ocean graduated from teenage melancholy and angst with a drip feed of more upbeat, confident tracks. In one of these tracks ‘In My Room’ he raps “got this lust for life in me, horny for the game,” and then precedes to wax lyrical about all his achievements and bravado. These post Blonde tracks have this maturity and confidence to them. If he was reminiscing about uncertainty and the teenage experience in Blonde, he was well and truly growing up now. Forging deeper connections and leaving deeper scars.

(In My Room cover art, I tried to recreate this shot and failed)

Frank Ocean writes music, he seems to enjoy it and he’s damn well good at it too. He profits from it and, if the amount of times Blonde appears on Best Album of the decade lists is any indication, his music is well received by society.

So, if Frank Ocean’s Ikigai is being horny for the game? What’s mine?

In 2014 I went through what is still up until this day the lowest point in my life. To begin with I’d graduated university with a useless degree and was having a very hard time finding any work relating to it all. My casual job had dried up,I wasn’t only wayward but poor now too. The final blow was realising I was romantically interested in my best friend’s sister, only to then be rejected and see them both fade from my life in quick succession.

I was alone, I was embarrassed, and I actively hated waking up every day. I dreaded consciousness itself. I didn’t want to think about anyone or anything. I’d dull myself with junk food and video games. Holed up in my room for 14 hours a day, trying to get to the gym or even take my dog for a walk was a challenge. I got to the point where I tried to make a schedule for myself. Really small goals like going for a walk or going to the gym. The hardest thing I had to do was watch an arthouse movie a day, and I couldn’t even manage that.

I was in this state and I felt I had nobody I could turn to. I didn’t know how to explain it to my friends my own age and I didn’t want my parents to worry any more than they were. Then I remembered a mature age student from university, who would always have this way of making me feel alright about life when we chatted. I still had his number from months prior and when I felt I was at breaking point, I called. He listened to my ramblings and even gave me part time work at his cafe. He then sincerely said to me that I should seek some professional help, be that counselling or psychiatry. I truly valued his opinion in that hearing this didn’t feel like something I could blow off. It felt like a shockwave. He was genuinely worried for my wellbeing. I owed it not only to myself but also to him to seek help. So I did exactly that.

I visited the doctor’s office I’d been going to for years (often with embarrassing issues) yet talking about my mental health felt leagues more difficult. He asked if I wanted to see someone that could prescribe me drugs or if I just wanted to see a psychologist. I recall jokingly saying something like ‘it wasn’t real depression so a psychologist would be fine.’ He didn’t smile or laugh and just gave me a referral.

I drove to Sunshine and attended my first session of five free counselling sessions.

Throughout these sessions, it was honestly hard to gauge if I got anywhere. After all, you’re just talking and it’s really your actions outside the room that facilitate the change. As we talked, the psychologist suggested that the cause of almost all my issues was not having a steady job and if I just got one of them, then I’d be fine. If I just filled my time with work, I’d be too busy to really think about everything else that mattered. He believed it was the joblessness that was causing all this; I needed to get out of the muck immediately. However, I was on the other end of the spectrum, I wanted to go down as far as I could. I had romanticised reaching some sort of true rock bottom because I thought then, and only then, could I build myself back up. The five free sessions ended and I was convinced I wasn’t ‘really depressed’ and stopped going after that. What I got out of it was that I needed to work.

While not knowing the full brunt of what was going on with me, my friends and family also encouraged finding some kind of permanent job. After some failed attempts and Centrelink lines, I struck gold. Through sheer luck I landed a full-time job at a pretty nice cafe. This wasn’t a career or some sort of path forward, it was a plug to stop the depression. I told myself if I’m working, then nearly all my problems would go away. I never stopped and asked myself why at the time though. Why am I working? Am I working towards something or just working?

(Blonded)

I’d hole myself up at the cafe for the next 2 years of my life. Those two years were pure autopilot. I didn’t have any goals, I was working five days a week, seeing my friends on my days off, rinse and repeat. The only thing I remember about this time was the vague goal of moving to Japan for a year; which eventually became a reality.

The word ‘brave’ got thrown around a lot when I told people I was leaving. I liked the compliment, but it didn’t sit right with me. By the time I was about to move, I’d spent the previous 3 years working almost exclusively with people who weren’t from Australia originally, or people who were here on working holiday visas. I was just doing the same as they were. Another language and a completely different culture didn’t make me brave all of a sudden. I wasn’t entering a new country with rose coloured glasses or illusions about what I was doing there.

(Back when study was a lot easier)

So I set off and spent a year bumbling around in Tokyo, being poor, having little breakdowns and locking myself away when it got too tough occasionally. This didn’t feel brave. I’d work in cafes and restaurants in the upper class areas of Tokyo, my bosses would tell me x person was famous for this and y person was famous for that. I’d see these excessive bills and displays of wealth every day and every night. I’d then ride the shabby elevator down to the staff room and get changed out of my uniform as I tried to figure out if I had enough cash to get a snack from the convenience store. I was doing the exact same thing as I was in Australia just with a different background, I wasn’t improving. There was no job trajectory. Another loop of nothing. Killing more time, I could have done this forever and fool myself into thinking it was alright because it had a different coat of paint.

So I left Tokyo.

I went North to Hokkaido, hoping to find something better, and for a time I did. It was a barista job like the others, but with opportunities to do more. I went from just making coffee to modelling, translating (badly), interpreting (also badly) and eventually roasting coffee. I felt on the up. I was getting pretty damn good at my job: bringing in people from overseas, helping my company forge new friendships and leave a mark on the Japanese coffee scene. After 18 months of hard work and study I finally had a working visa, a semblance of normalcy and a direction.

I began to envision myself in the future with an even better job and a better grasp of the language. I’d made friends and I could even see myself living in Japan permanently. Also, I was in love. Boy, was I convinced I was in love. This feeling just gripped me, overwhelmed my senses and completely rearranged my priorities. Up until now, such feelings had always been one-sided or unreciprocated. Although this time the feelings flowed both ways. I’d light up to see her name on my phone; we’d talk about the future for hours on end as I’d envision us growing old together. I’d imagine our families meeting for the first time, moving in together, getting engaged, getting married, having kids. Things that felt so foreign, now seemed obvious with her. I felt like I had at least figured out one aspect of my life by now; I had someone beside myself to strive for. I wanted to make a future not only for myself, but for us.

My life finally felt balanced, I was doing a job that I was good at it, I was making a living abroad and my personal life finally felt at peace.

Yet here’s the thing, I began to realise I wasn’t doing any of it right. I wasn’t as satisfied as I was tricking myself into thinking I was. To begin with, I couldn’t see myself doing this job for the rest of my life. The merit of it being a stepping stone onto something better also seemed farfetched now. I’d never get fully out of coffee while still being in coffee.

Once I realised how much this job wasn’t right for me anymore, I began to notice the red flags. The days felt more repetitive and repetitive, my higher ups got verbally abusive, and I didn’t stand up for myself. I was demoted and sent to work far off in a ski resort nobody else wanted to go to. Back to serving the people rich enough to be in a such a resort reminded me of how little I’d really done. I felt like I was back in Tokyo spinning my wheels. The distance of the resort also meant I went from seeing my friends almost every day to about once every couple of months. The isolation began to kick in.

At least I still had my relationship, right? Well, those feelings I wrote about; I fought myself in an attempt not to show them. I spent all of my energy trying to fight them at the time because I thought it was too much. I’d not reply to messages, be vague and try to pretend our relationship wasn’t all I thought about it. I had all of this inside me, wanting to show the world and my partner how I felt. Yet I never matured to that point; I never had the confidence to just say how I felt in the present.

Relationships can’t live on lies for long and before I knew it mine had slipped through my fingers as well.

(Shaved my head and flew to Tokyo for a $500 cup of coffee)

It was now the end of 2019: work was awful, I’d self-sabotaged a real relationship, and I was stuck in this ski resort doing nothing. I felt like I had done all this work only to end up back to where I’d started; I was looping. I seriously contemplated ending that loop. Unlike the way I was in 2014, I felt like I’d actually tried this time. I’d gotten out there, found work, found meaning, found substance. Yet it felt so moot. I felt like I’d done nothing for anyone around me except, at the least, inconvenience them, and at worst, hurt them. I was making the same mistakes, wasting my own time and everyone else’s. For the first time in years, I broke down crying on the phone to my close friend, just despairing over the futility of it all.

That spiral continued on through all of 2020. I made more mistakes. I revisited places I shouldn’t have and before I knew it, it was snowing, and I was back in the same damn ski resort. I knew something had to change, yet I was doing absolutely nothing about it. This mediocrity was crushing me spiritually, but I was safe inside the familiarity. I could do that job until I died.

I was back to being scolded from superiors, being disconnected from my friends (again) and most of all being dishonest to myself. People often say of life changing moments, things like ‘I knew at that moment what I had to do’ or ‘I decided then and there’. I’ve always stumbled in and out of life changing events, never quite prepared and never sure things are going to be as definitive as they become. This time though it felt different. I sat down with my boss and heard about his ideal future for me. I realised I wanted nothing to do with it. So I told him as much and fortunately, he understood.

Now, for the first time since leaving university I’m about to become unemployed.

Here’s what surprises me upon reflection. I’m not nervous about it at all. That huge sense of dread that accompanied me when I finished university isn’t here. Leaving on my own terms feels good. It feels empowering and often overwhelming, yet knowing I put myself into this situation makes me believe that it’s all going to be alright. There’s nobody nudging me to quit, I just know I’m done with this part of my life. I need to do more; I can do more. It’s imperative for my own health and for those around me that I do more. I know what my own hell looks like because I’ve been there for the last 18 months. It stands to reason that to get out of it I need to do the opposite of what I’ve been doing. There isn’t a blueprint to follow so much as there’s pages of journal entries guiding me on what not to do. I have one page in my diary that is just ‘I HAVE GIFTS AND I SQUANDER THEM’ written until the page ends.

Yet there’s something still lingering. A question I ask myself more and more often. Why though? Why do I need to do more? What am I working towards? What am I doing it for?

Self-help books, Instagram influencers and Jordan Peterson lectures talk about envisioning a future and then aiming for that, using an ideal future as something to strive for. Take a second, imagine what you would want if there was nothing stopping you (within reason), then make a plan, and strive for that. You can then categorise whatever you do on a daily basis as things that either help or hinder that ideal future. My problem with this is that I can’t write up an ideal future because I honestly don’t know what I want for myself. I’ve sat myself down on occasion and tried asking myself. I’ve been writing these pieces as a way to flesh thoughts out in an attempt to strike gold. There are things I’m interested in, but not all that good at, when I go to study them or get better, I don’t see an endgame to it. If I’ve got enough media, friends and a work life balance it seems I can keep sailing by, but I really want to know what is the point of heading any direction?

I can’t envision a future with me in it, let alone an ideal one where I’m ‘living my best life’. It is almost as if I have replaced my fear and anxiety about the future with ambivalence. Whereas I used to think about the future and break down, I now just think about it and refuse to believe it will ever happen. I don’t associate negative emotion with these thoughts, I just think it’s useful to observe them. Barring a miracle, I don’t think I’m going to wake up one day and never think these thoughts again. I oscillate between the above nihilism and this belief that I can do more, be better and improve myself. I’m writing in an attempt to reconcile such a contradiction.

We arrive back at Frank Ocean, his lust for life and Ikigai. While Frank seems to have taken time to work something out with himself, I’m still not quite there. I haven’t found my passion (horny for the game, in other words) yet given time I know I’ll be lusting for life, too. It’s a selfish journey for now, but it’s one that’s arguably made progress. I look back at 20-year-old me, slumped down on the kitchen floor bawling my eyes out, my dog trying to nudge her way into my face to see what’s wrong. I realise now that I was at that rock bottom I wanted to reach. I had zero clue about what to do with myself then and really no forward trajectory. Now I at least have some sense of where to go, obtained through mistakes, courage, and self-inquiry. It’s not the inspiring 180 that people like to read, but it’s an improvement nonetheless. I’m still figuring it out as I go. I can be certain of one thing, I’ll keep making mistakes. I can take those mistakes and turn them into progress. Little by little that progress may one day account for something amazing.

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aion-rsa · 4 years

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AFI Fest 2020 Features Some of the Year’s Best Films

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This year, like just about every other film festival that managed to put on some kind of show in 2020, the 34th annual AFI Fest went nearly all-virtual. The yearly American Film Institute event, which usually combines major studio and independent releases, bypassed its usual eight-day blitz at the famous TCL Chinese Theatre complex in Hollywood for an online simulacrum that did not perhaps offer up the same glittering premieres and major studio contenders as in past years, but still managed to offer up a number of superb offerings.

“Attending” a film festival from one’s desk or couch can be a tricky proposition, so it remains to be seen how successful AFI Fest was overall with paying audiences (screenings were ticketed for the public). But as with other such events we’ve experienced this year, like Fantasia, the technical aspects were flawless and the ease of use and screening windows made the event largely stress-free. And we saw some truly extraordinary films, some premiering for the first time, and others coming from other festivals we missed. Check them all out below.

Anthony Hopkins and Riz Ahmed Lead Parade of Talent at AFI Fest

The Father

The best film we saw at AFI Fest was The Father, director and screenwriter Florian Zeller’s adaptation of his own stage play. Anthony Hopkins stars as Anthony, an elderly English man who is suffering from the onset of dementia. Olivia Colman is his daughter Anne, who is planning a move to Paris to live with her partner and is desperately trying to find a new caregiver for her father after he scared off the last one.

But as the film goes on, the viewer begins to wonder what is actually happening? People drift in and out of the narrative under different names, Anthony’s spacious apartment seems to change around him, and time itself seems to bend. Then we realize: we are seeing almost all the events from his point-of-view, which means that none of what we see can truly be trusted–making what could have been a conventional drama about illness and memory into something brilliant.

That realization, coupled with absolutely heartbreaking work from Hopkins and Colman, makes The Father a devastating look at a slow-motion nightmare from which there is no escape. Anthony (the character) is at once recognizable as a certain kind of man (and as such is both charming and mean-spirited), and the legendary actor (we swear we saw a flash of Hannibal Lecter in there at one point), makes his long, slow descent into an unmoored new reality even more profound. A nearly perfect film. (5 Stars)

Sound of Metal

Just as The Father brings us inside the world of someone in the grip of dementia, Sound of Metal gives us an up close look at what it feels like to suddenly go deaf. Riz Ahmed is excellent as Ruben, a recovering drug addict who drums in a heavy metal duo alongside his girlfriend, singer/guitarist Lou (Olivia Cooke). The two tour the indie rock circuit in a beat-up but cozy RV that also serves as their home. However, their gypsy lifestyle is upended when Ruben abruptly loses his hearing.

Director Darius Marder (who co-wrote the script with Abraham Marder) does not give into sentimentality, even as Ruben moves through grief, loss, denial, anger and self-pity, all the while clinging to the possibility that he may find a surgical way to restore his hearing. His journey also takes him to a home for deaf people in recovery (headed up by the marvelous Paul Raci, whose own life story involving deafness is remarkable), and eventually opens his heart and mind–at least a little–to the understanding that he can still live a fulfilling life. The excellent sound design is the final touch on a captivating and highly original story. (4 Stars)

Nine Days

Winston Duke (Black Panther), Zazie Beetz (Deadpool 2), and Benedict Wong (Doctor Strange) star in this striking directorial debut from Edson Oda, who also wrote the script. Duke, one of our favorite up-and-coming actors, plays Will, an enigmatic being who once lived on Earth as a human and now decides which souls get their chance to proceed to do the same. When a slot becomes available due to an unexpected death, Will and his colleague Kyo (Wong) welcome five new applicants to their way station, one of whom (Beetz) challenges Will’s method of selecting a new soul.

Based on the concept alone, Nine Days would make an interesting double feature with Pixar’s upcoming Soul. The film touches on a number of sophisticated ideas about what defines humanity and what it means to live, doing so in a compelling and deeply moving way. Duke, Wong and Beetz are all excellent, as are Tony Hale (Veep), Bill Skarsgard (It), and Erika Vasquez as fellow applicants. This is a surreal fantasy that strikes at some truths about how we live. (4 Stars)

New Order (Nuevo Orden)

The sixth film from Mexican writer-director Michel Franco is less than 90 minutes long but will leave you battered and devastated. As a wealthy “white” family celebrates the marriage of their daughter with other upper class guests at their posh estate, trouble is brewing in the streets of Mexico City. The “brown” workers, including people toiling away at the wedding itself, erupt into a furious revolution in which almost no one is spared. But the forces behind the seemingly spontaneous uprising may not be what they seem.

Franco spares no one in this harrowing and absolutely relevant descent into societal breakdown, as the screen fills with the screams of the tortured, the murder of women and children, and the flames of burning bodies. He may cut away at the last minute in key instances, but you are fully aware of what’s happening nonetheless. The film’s hard-nosed approach extends to the motivations behind the chaos, which are more opaque and not as straightforward as one might expect. New Order will leave you shaken and disturbed–as it should. This may not be science fiction. (4 Stars)

Belushi

The first major documentary on the life and career of late comedian and Saturday Night Live alumnus John Belushi touches as expected on all the personal history, creative development, and psychological complexity of a man who many consider one of the great comic geniuses of his time. With many of the interviews with key people done as audio only (for an oral history project), director R.J. Cutler fills in the visual blanks with animation, excerpts from private letters, and various film and video clips, creating a shaggy, kaleidoscopic vision of a too-brief and just as frenetic life.

Since Belushi’s career is well-documented (although it’s weird to realize he only starred in seven films), and the circumstances of his death sadly all too predictable, what stands out most about the film is the central relationship with his wife Judy, who provided an anchor even when Belushi self-destructively pushed her away. Belushi the movie doesn’t offer many surprises beyond that, but does make us wonder what he might have done had he stuck around. (3.5 Stars)

I’m Your Woman

Rachel Brosnahan (The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel) stars in this new melodrama from Fast Color helmer Julia Hart, who weaves themes of motherhood, loyalty, love, and family into a 1970s crime thriller with a decidedly feminist bent. Brosnahan plays Jean, whose sheltered life as the wife of professional thief Eddie (Bill Heck) is upended by his gifting her with a baby (not hers) and then disappearing shortly thereafter. Jean learns that Eddie has betrayed his boss and that she and the baby must go on the run, with help coming from a surprising source.

I’m Your Woman kicks off in bracing fashion, laying out the contours of Jean’s dreamlike, aimless life, then ripping it all out from under her in a gritty, fast-paced first half. But the movie nearly grinds to a halt in its second hour, with a lot of exposition and some confusing narrative strands slowly letting the air out of the proceedings. Brosnahan is great in as a woman who must finally fill in the blanks of her own life, with excellent work as well from Marsha Stephanie Blake and Arinzè Kene as unexpected allies, but the movie doesn’t achieve the triumphant moment it’s striving for. (3 Stars)

Apples

This Greek dystopian fable could serve in some ways as a more metaphorical companion piece to The Father. A product of Greece’s recent wave of “weird” filmmaking (led by Yorgos Lanthimos of Dogtooth and The Favourite fame), this debut from director and co-writer Christos Nikou is set in an Athens where a strange virus is causing people to experience abrupt and almost total memory loss. There’s no cure and no one recovers, and while some amnesiacs are claimed by their families, others become part of a program to give the afflicted a chance at starting a new life.

Movies

Toronto International Film Festival 2020 Movie Round-Up

By David Crow

Movies

New Horror and Sci-Fi Movies Break Out at Fantasia Fest

By Don Kaye

Two of those in the latter category are Aris (Aris Servetalis) and Anna (Sofia Georgovassili), who try to recall the past while attempting to build a new future. He’s as melancholy as she is cheerful, and their different approaches are indicative of the ways all of us might face having our entire existence rebooted. Apples takes turns being absurd, sweet, and poignant, and while it’s a bit too self-consciously strange, it’s a touching twist on classics like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. (3.5 Stars)

Uncle Frank

Six Feet Under and True Blood creator Alan Ball has written and directed this intimate look at a New York University professor (Paul Bettany of WandaVision) who finally comes out to his semi-estranged South Carolina family when he returns home for the funeral of his father. Frank is aided in his efforts by his niece Beth (Sophia Lillis of It), who has always admired her worldly uncle, but didn’t even know his secret herself until attending NYU as well.

Bettany is fantastic, and supported by strong work from Lillis and Peter Macdissi as his longtime partner Walid. But there’s something that feels pre-programmed about the way the plot proceeds, and the film’s last half-hour goes off the rails in overwrought fashion. The engaging cast, led by Bettany’s dignity and humanity, steer it back however. (3.5 Stars)

One Night in Miami…

You can read a much more comprehensive review of Watchmen star Regina King’s directorial debut here, where movies section editor David Crow liked the movie a bit more than us. But after a slow start, there’s no denying that One Night in Miami… (adapted by Soul co-writer Kemp Powers from his play) builds to a powerful and inspiring finish.

Powers’ scenario envisions what happened on the night that Cassius Clay (El Goree), Malcolm X (Kingsley Ben-Adir), Sam Cooke (Leslie Odom Jr.), and football star Jim Brown (Aldis Hodge) all assembled in a motel room after Clay defeated Sonny Liston for the heavyweight championship. King can’t quite escape the movie’s origins as a play, but she projects confidence behind the camera and gets distinctive performances out of her four stars. Goree and Hodge are the strongest, but Ben-Adir’s doomed civil rights leader and Odom Jr.’s introverted singer are the heart of this timely story. (3.5 Stars)

The Intruder

A voiceover actress named Ines (Erica Rivas) has her vacation cut short by a tragic occurrence and comes home to find that the incident may have lasting supernatural repercussions in this low-energy chiller from Argentinian director Natalia Meta. The brooding atmosphere and sound studio setting seem almost like a deliberate nod to Peter Strickland’s eerie Berberian Sound Studio (2012), but Meta’s script can’t navigate the blurring lines between fantasy and reality as successfully.

The result is a movie that badly wants to be socially relevant enhanced horror but ends up being a sleepy letdown. Meta and the great Cecilia Roth as her mother both do their best, but there’s not enough substance to the story or Meta’s premise, and the scare tactics are predictable. (2 Stars)

Wander Darkly

We are mystified at the praise that this film has received since premiering at the Sundance Film Festival earlier this year, as we found it to be a confusing, pretentious mess. Sienna Miller and Diego Luna star as a young couple, with a house, a baby, not a lot of money, a growing distrust of each other, and all the pressure that brings to bear. Then their lives are changed in a horrific car accident from which Miller wakes up and begins a surreal journey through the couple’s past, with Luna as her guide.

Is Miller dead? Is she dreaming? The movie keeps the truth hidden but director/writer Tara Miele’s experimental non-linear narrative doesn’t pay off. The hopping through time and space is incoherent, even within its own rules (which are not clear either), and as a result the movie doesn’t build to anything emotionally true. The horror movie subplot and big “twist” at the end are also weak. Miller and Luna are both spellbinding, and have real chemistry, but they can’t save the film. (2 Stars)

The Boy Behind the Door

Two 12-year-old boys (Lonnie Chavis and Ezra Dewey) are kidnapped by a pair of what appear to be human sex traffickers in the tense opening moments of first-time directors David Charbonier and Justin Powell’s dark, dark thriller. Kevin (Dewey) is chained up inside the pair’s sinister house, which sits adjacent to an oil field; Bobby (Chavis) manages to escape from the trunk of their car, but valiantly enters the house to save his friend, knowing that at least one of their kidnappers is still inside.

After that gripping start, The Boy Behind the Door plunges further into inanity. The two boys are marvelous, but their characters are barely developed and the villains even less so. Stupid actions and implausible plot developments drain any believability out of what could have been a riveting tale, turning it into a subpar slasher movie that doesn’t even seem to know when it’s set: the boys don’t have mobile devices, yet Bobby treats an old rotary phone that he discovers like a find from an archaeological dig. Good cinematography and atmosphere can’t save this one from slamming shut on itself. (2 Stars)

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moonlightcrossfire · 5 years

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HOW I GOT MYSELF TOGETHER ?

HOW I DECIDED TO GET MYSELF TOGETHER?

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 16

Hey guys! I know it's been a quite while I haven't posted anything here, it's just I've been through extreme moment of indecisiveness and doubt with plenty plenty plenty of breakdowns, hesitation and fear.

Fear of what? Of not being able to get myself together and make everything move through the correct path. If you're a huge procrastinator, a reluctant soul that has that hidden glow that's afraid to step outside, hope this helps you and be your sign to get your shit together.

Don't you ever get that feeling in your insides that makes you feel strange? Makes you feel there's something wrong? Or most likely, can it be a sign that'll push you to change your life?

I got that feeling that twirled my insides and let guilt build through me and sneak into my blood, it was screaming that I was wasting my time and indeed I was. Then, I automatically smiled and I felt clips of my future self flashing in front of my eyes, I realised back then that I didn't want to be that girl who spends her day in her sweatpants watching TikToks or scrolling through Instagram watching people reach places when I know I can reach the same places, does it make sense?

PSA: Sweatpants will always be the greatest piece of clothing ever made for women.

When I got that vibe, I knew my energy wouldn't lie to me. My mood changed real quick, from depressed and doubtful to someone who's sure of what she wants to do and where does she want to reach.

In a night full of stars, here's how I decided to change the way I lived:

1. Wake up early everyday, even on weekends.

All those who know me know that I run to my bed as soon as the clock says 9:00 PM, sometimes 8:30. They'd be like, "What makes you go to bed so damn early?" "The night is still in its beginning, at its finest, why would you want to sleep now?" Etc etc.. and my answer would be that I'm exhausted or I don't like staying up late, boring answers I know, it's just the way it is. However, it's been scientifically proven that sleeping early and waking up early increase your life's longevity, and sleeping for less than six hours will make you susceptible to illnesses. The health benefits of sleeping early are endless, do your research! The point is, waking up early doesn't only have you ready the day with positive energy but it makes you more organised if you're a busy person occupied with school, career, hobbies or interests. Take advantage of sleeping early!

2. To Do lists are your new best friends.

The best timings to write your to-do lists are either before you go to bed or after you wake up. To Do lists are known for keeping you on track, it helps you plan your day and accomplish things you postponed to go out with your friends or ignoring what you gotta do to finish another episode of your favourite show and end up forgetting what you have to do. Get a journal or a planner and take it EVERYWHERE you go, jot down reminders, appointments, chores, anything that won't make you forget your duties. By doing that, you'll feel responsibility has grown to be a part of your existence, neatness and organisation as well. Personally, in my To Do list I writ down tasks that I believe I can finish in a day. For example, doing homework, writing a new chapter for the new project I'm writing, make character maps, take pictures for my VSCO, write excerpts to post on MoonlightCrossfire, etc etc. When I write my first to do list I tried my hardest not to procrastinate, it was quite difficult not to procrastinate but I accomplished 70% of what I wouldn't have done if I was on my phone all the time. So, start writing your first To Do list right now!

3. Read affirmations, pray, set goals.

I've heard that reading affirmation boosts your mood to a certain extent. I believe it's what law of attraction is about. For who doesn't know what Law of Attraction is, it's the law which uses the power of the mind to translate our thoughts and turn them into reality. Specifically talking, if you think positively, the positive things will come to life. Reading affirmations such as calling yourself beautiful or believing you can do whatever you want to do or striving to love yourself more and being grateful for whatever God has given to you will make you see thing from a bright perspective. Try calling yourself beautiful in front of the mirror, our conscience will hug you and warmth will contaminate your skin.

Praying for a beautiful day or a better life or a respectful job or a happier self by means making your relationship with God a genuine relationship even if you aren't religious will turn your tables. Whenever you get the chance to pray, do it for yourself before anyone else.

Setting goals whether they're near goals or future ones will make you feel more stimulated by clinging more to them as passion eventually strengthens, that's when you know that you should never give up on things you find your peace of mind into and unleashes your true self to.

4. Focus on your education.

I'm an average student, my grades are like rollercoaster, I reach high highs and get unfortunate grades, it's pretty normal. I maintain a good score by giving my best to subjects I love and find myself flexible in studying such as literary subjects, as for scientific subjects however I don't mind a passing grade. When you study the subjects you love and feel like shining in them, you'll study them with so much effort yet so relaxed because you are aware of your abilities in these subjects. On the other hand, the subjects that you feel like you study them for the sake of passing, you need to build a mentality that you know passing these classes will bring you closer to achieve your dreams. You have to know that the path to reach your dream life will be full of thorns and and barriers to reach the sunshine and butterflies.

5. Eating healthy + moving more.

Sleeping early isn't enough for a drastic life change if you sleep with a mouth full of chocolate or a bag of chips or a burger. I'm NOT saying you should kill your evil cravings, but try to do a little bit of swapping. Pinterest is full of recipes and swaps that will statist your craving and at the same time revives you instead of slowly killing you. I've realised that a little bit late and I felt something blocking my throats that I won't eat as much McDonald's as I used to, but we have to let go of things that makes us happy sometimes. (McDonald's is the love of my life :/) Healthy food isn't as bad as people make it look like, we convince ourselves that they're not flavourful to run back to fast food and satisfactory foods.

If you're a lazy person like I am that moves from a couch to another and considers it a workout, you might want to read this. Doing chores will have move automatically and as you move you are helping your body become more flexible, you burn calories and you feel lightweight. At school or work or stuff, try to walk as much as you can, it keeps you alive.

Last but foremost, when I write my to do list, I write a water tracking list that makes sure I drink 8-10 cups of water a day. Water is your life saviour, it keeps you hydrated, helps you lose weight, keeps you in the bathroom so you won't get involved with bullshit and drama + it clears your skin. Who said detox water isn't recommended as well? Water with lemon and mint is my favourite water detox combination, you can add pomegranates too!

6. Limit distractions and use of electronics.

Your series can wait, your friends can wait, your lover can wait, your family can wait but your future doesn't wait for you. Why? Because you chase your future, it is not your future that chases you. It is preferable to limit the use of electronics while working or studying. I'm teaching myself to get used to not be on my phone a lot, I'm teaching myself to focus without looking at my phone and surrender to surf social media, I'm teaching myself to resist it. You should learn resistance, too. Try to use your electronics when you're 100% done with all your tasks on your to do list, you won't have anything to carry on your shoulder and you can check your friends' posts and stories or watch some celebrity tea.

7. DON'T KILL THE VIBE, CREATE PLAYLISTS!

Ever since I downloaded Spotify I made different playlists for different moods and I honestly love them all and vibe to them with my heart like I can't explain how I am passionate about my music taste. The fact that people make fun of the music I listen to because I don't listen to what they're used to listen to, not because the music I listen to makes me superior, it's just a matter of taste. When you listen to music you love, your happiness hormones boost your body, mind and soul. When your body, mind and soul are full, your creativity becomes limitless. I listen to music pretty much all the time specially when I'm writing, it gets me in the mood and I get so inspired by the stories every song holds. If you're a lover of music, you're forever young.

To sum up this blogpost, planning your life out and finding yourself and getting your shit together are major keys to reach your purpose. It will make your life much easier, enjoyable, satisfactory and pleasurable. Who doesn't want that? Then, learn to live your life the way you want to live it. They say you only live once, right? Live by this motto.

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hhemeraa-a · 7 years

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Do you think that Hemera has issues dealing with other fighters? Does he have any issues with authority? What was he like before becoming a hybrid? Does he like Erebus or does he like the idea of Erebus?

Meg coming in with the hard hitting questions–

Do you think that Hemera has issues dealing with other fighters?

Yes and no. Hemera originally joined as a navigator – so he carried many of the standard prejudices any navigator would have, but that quickly faded with exposure and whittled down to a very simple be the best team you can be attitude regardless of their position. In fact, he’s extremely judgmental of people are are unable to work together and wants absolutely nothing to do with them, because he sees it as a flaw in character. If he can’t trust you outside of battle, what’s to say that you won’t abandon him during?

With that, after his record was cleaned of some… unsavory events and he was moved from navigator to fighter – he still tended to carry that very “navigator” air about him which… can be an issue. So does Hemera have an issue dealing with other fighters? On a personal level, no, but that doesn’t stop his attitude from being very blunt of condescending at times which… can lead to issues in itself.

He also despises being a fighter, thinking that his mind is going to waste, but sucks it up because if anything, he likes doing his absolute best even in things he can’t stand.

Does he have any issues with authority?

YES. AGGRESSIVELY YES. Hemera has hardcore issues with authority, though the leash on him is kept tight enough that he no longer resists it. He very strongly feels that he was betrayed by those in power and was tricked into becoming what he is. It is a major sore point for him and something that – when he finally does snap – will bring him to the single minded purpose of murdering those in charge… first.

These are all things that he keeps to himself though. If confronted with any person of rank, he will be as respectful as the situation allows him to be - not that he has much choice. He wants to fly under the radar as quietly and low as possible, but there are often violent flickers when faced with people above him, especially if they try and enforce their status.

What was he like before becoming a hybrid?

Imagine those happy kids in those coffee commercials that run up to their parents with open arms and just big ol’ smiles everywhere. He laughed a lot more and was way more sociable. A sucker for puns (still is) and was the type of guy to really like physical play fights. He was the type to smack you from behind and slip off into the hallway knowing you couldn’t catch him. This probably goes on for days until he’s caught.

Becoming the hybrid really made him internalize and hate a lot about himself with the constant strive to be seen as someone/some thing normal. Being touched was no longer an option and who he could talk to whittled down to a very very small select group. His loyalties and protectiveness of those people spiked and suddenly he became hyper aware of who was on the inside and who were outsiders.

On top of that, losing them one by one to either battle, sickness, or… “being retired” (aka murdered), his fragile psyche started to crack and letting any one else in beyond just a shallow friendship was deemed idiotic. Wearing a mask of pleasantries and obedience would get him as far as it needed to so he could survive and anyone who stood in the way of that was simply an obstacle.

Hemera went from being far more open and accepting to a chaotic tight lipped rejection of reality.

Does he like Erebus or does he like the idea of Erebus?

Ahhhhhhh – at first he thought he simply liked the idea of Erebus, after all, with everything they were all going through, Ee was able to find and love someone just like them on that ship during the worst of times and the fact that he’s a literal ray of sunshine probably helped, because who wouldn’t like someone like that? That knows all the ugly gross parts of you and still wants to love you for it? So at the beginning it may have been just an ideal situation, something or someone to long for in a situation where it was just easy.

Towards the end there, he may have started becoming a lot more aware that what he was feeling wasn’t a normal platonic kind of love, but chose to ignore it because they’re at war and the last thing they need to be bothered with was each other’s emotions when they had to deal with them on the regular.

Once Nicholas/Nyx died and Erebus breaks down – that’s really when it snaps in his brain that he loved him which – well, you know how that turned out.

#;; blacklisted secrets (Myles About)#oh gosh #this was refreshing #I haven't thought about his canon verse in so long #portalipsis

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inscrvio-blog · 7 years

Photo

↠ HELLSTATE TASK 025. identity

“ please don’t see just a boy caught up in dreams & fantasies . . . ”

BEHIND THE NAME: noah james ashbury

Noah: a Hebrew name meaning “rest” and “comfort." In the famous biblical story, God chooses Noah to build the ark, fill it with food and two of every animal, and survive the great flood.

James: a classic boys' name derived from the Hebrew name Jacob. It means "supplanter," one who follows. In the 17th century, the Scottish king James VI inherited the English throne, becoming the first ruler of all Britain, and the name became much more popular

Ashbury: a classic boys' name derived from the Hebrew name Jacob. It means "supplanter," one who follows. In the 17th century, the Scottish king James VI inherited the English throne, becoming the first ruler of all Britain, and the name became much more popular

BIRTHDAY & OTHER INFO

Date of Birth: March 10th, 1991

Sun Sign: Pisces - Selfless, spiritual, very focused on their inner journey, and carrying great emotional weight.

Moon Sign: Capricorn - Serious, responsible, cautious, organized, ambitious, likes order, appreciates social status.

Chinese Zodiac: Gold Goat - Ambitious and kind-hearted with a strong sense of responsibility in work; sometimes too stubborn.

THE HTML COLOR TEST

Pre-Outbreak: #EE82EE “Violet” - You're confident and like showing people new ideas. You play well with others and can be very influential if you want to be. Your saturation level is lower than average - You don't stress out over things and don't understand people who do. Finishing projects may sometimes be a challenge, but you schedule time as you see fit and the important things all happen in the end, even if not everyone sees your grand master plan. Your outlook on life is bright. You see good things in situations where others may not be able to, and it frustrates you to see them get down on everything.

Post-Outbreak ( then ): #E0FFFF “Light Cyan” - You're smart and you know it, and want to use your power to help people and relate to others. Even though you tend to battle with yourself, you solve other people's conflicts well. Your saturation level is very low - you have better things to do than jump headfirst into every little project. You make sure your actions are going to really accomplish something before you start because you hate wasting energy making everyone else think you're working. Your outlook on life is very bright. You are sunny and optimistic about life and others find it very encouraging, but remember to tone it down if you sense irritation.

Post-Outbreak ( now ): #66CDAA “Medium Auqamarine ” - Although you definitely strive to be logical you care about people and know there's a time and place for thinking emotionally. Your head rules most things but your heart rules others, and getting them to meet in the middle takes a lot of your energy some days. Your saturation level is medium - You're not the most decisive go-getter, but you can get a job done when it's required of you. You probably don't think the world can change for you and don't want to spend too much effort trying to force it. Your outlook on life is brighter than most people's. You like the idea of influencing things for the better and find hope in situations where others might give up. You're not exactly a bouncy sunshine but things in your world generally look up.

MYERS BRIGGS PERSONALITY TEST

Pre-Outbreak: INFP -T “The Mediator” - Mediator personalities are true idealists, always looking for the hint of good in even the worst of people and events, searching for ways to make things better. While they may be perceived as calm, reserved, or even shy, Mediators have an inner flame and passion that can truly shine. Comprising just 4% of the population, the risk of feeling misunderstood is unfortunately high for the Mediator personality type – but when they find like-minded people to spend their time with, the harmony they feel will be a fountain of joy and inspiration.

Post-Outbreak ( then ): ESFJ -T “The Consul” - People who share the Consul personality type are, for lack of a better word, popular – which makes sense, given that it is also a very common personality type, making up twelve percent of the population. In high school, Consuls are the cheerleaders and the quarterbacks, setting the tone, taking the spotlight and leading their teams forward to victory and fame. Later in life, Consuls continue to enjoy supporting their friends and loved ones, organizing social gatherings and doing their best to make sure everyone is happy.

Post-Outbreak ( now ): ENFP -T “The Campaigner” - The ENFP personality is a true free spirit. They are often the life of the party, but unlike Explorers, they are less interested in the sheer excitement and pleasure of the moment than they are in enjoying the social and emotional connections they make with others. Charming, independent, energetic and compassionate, the 7% of the population that they comprise can certainly be felt in any crowd.

ENNEAGRAM PERSONALITY TYPE

Pre-Outbreak: The Peacemaker - Nines are accepting, trusting, and stable. They are usually creative, optimistic, and supportive, but can also be too willing to go along with others to keep the peace. They want everything to go smoothly and be without conflict, but they can also tend to be complacent, simplifying problems and minimizing anything upsetting. They typically have problems with inertia and stubbornness. At their Best: indomitable and all-embracing, they are able to bring people together and heal conflicts.

Post-Outbreak ( then ) : The Helper - Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs. At their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.

Post-Outbreak ( now ) : The Peacemaker - Nines are accepting, trusting, and stable. They are usually creative, optimistic, and supportive, but can also be too willing to go along with others to keep the peace. They want everything to go smoothly and be without conflict, but they can also tend to be complacent, simplifying problems and minimizing anything upsetting. They typically have problems with inertia and stubbornness. At their Best: indomitable and all-embracing, they are able to bring people together and heal conflicts.

CHARACTER ALIGNMENT TEST

Pre-Outbreak: Lawful Good - A lawful good character acts as a good person is expected or required to act. He combines a commitment to oppose evil with the discipline to fight relentlessly. He tells the truth, keeps his word, helps those in need, and speaks out against injustice. A lawful good character hates to see the guilty go unpunished. Lawful good is the best alignment you can be because it combines honor and compassion. However, lawful good can be a dangerous alignment when it restricts freedom and criminalizes self-interest.

Post-Outbreak ( then ) : Lawful Good - A lawful good character acts as a good person is expected or required to act. He combines a commitment to oppose evil with the discipline to fight relentlessly. He tells the truth, keeps his word, helps those in need, and speaks out against injustice. A lawful good character hates to see the guilty go unpunished. Lawful good is the best alignment you can be because it combines honor and compassion. However, lawful good can be a dangerous alignment when it restricts freedom and criminalizes self-interest.

Post-Outbreak ( now ) : Neutral Good - A neutral good character does the best that a good person can do. He is devoted to helping others. He works with kings and magistrates but does not feel beholden to them. Neutral good is the best alignment you can be because it means doing what is good without bias for or against order. However, neutral good can be a dangerous alignment because when it advances mediocrity by limiting the actions of the truly capable.

FOUR TEMPERAMENTS TEST

Pre-Outbreak: Phlegmatic - The phlegmatic temperament is fundamentally relaxed and quiet, ranging from warmly attentive to lazily sluggish. Phlegmatics tend to be content with themselves and are kind. They are accepting and affectionate. They may be receptive and shy and often prefer stability to uncertainty and change. They are consistent, relaxed, calm, rational, curious, and observant, qualities that make them good administrators. They can also be passive-aggressive.

Post-Outbreak ( then ) : Sanguine - The sanguine temperament is fundamentally spontaneous and pleasure-seeking; sanguine people are sociable and charismatic. They tend to enjoy social gatherings, making new friends and tend to be boisterous. They are usually quite creative and often daydream. However, some alone time is crucial for those of this temperament. Sanguine can also mean sensitive, compassionate and thoughtful. Sanguine personalities generally struggle with following tasks all the way through, are chronically late, and tend to be forgetful and sometimes a little sarcastic. Often, when they pursue a new hobby, they lose interest as soon as it ceases to be engaging or fun. They are very much people persons. They are talkative and not shy. Sanguines generally have an almost shameless nature, certain that what they are doing is right. They have no lack of confidence.

Post-Outbreak ( now ) : Melancholic - The melancholic temperament is fundamentally introverted and thoughtful. Melancholic people often were perceived as very (or overly) pondering and considerate, getting rather worried when they could not be on time for events. Melancholics can be highly creative in activities such as poetry and art - and can become preoccupied with the tragedy and cruelty in the world. Often they are perfectionists. They are self-reliant and independent; one negative part of being a melancholic is that they can get so involved in what they are doing they forget to think of others.

#hst:task #✧ ☾ ☆ ☄ ⁛ → task [ 025. identity ]#ok so the ( then ) parts are for #his first stay in cheyenne #the ( now ) parts are for #the second stay since he is different #but yikes this took a long time for me to do #but i finally finished

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