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kittyycandiezzpresents · 2 years

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another response to @th06, part 3

continuation of PART 2

PART 1, PART 2, part 3 (here!), PART 4 AND FINALLY PART 5

If my joke needed to be spoilered with or without a warning i would’ve been completely fine, but apparently mine is so horrendous it must be purged from existence...meanwhile you can apparently say “retard, retards and retarded” all you want, all day long.

“a hitler joke isn’t acceptable even if it’s spoilered. it’s not “dark humor” and not just a “dark subject” it’s poor god damn taste and downright disrespectful.”

Legion, there are tons of people who would condemn the joke you are defending, especially with the audience this server is for. Even servers that don’t focus on 8+ media would find that problematic, like i’ve said before: “no slurs” is one of the must basic and common server rules.

The waggs words joke is just as, if not more disrespectful imo than “Dr tinker was kicked from art school”, you act as if i declared that hitler was right or supported him in some form. “retard” is so commonly used, and is sometimes directed at people born with developmental and/or mental issues they can not change. imagine just hopping on the memes channel after being bullied and that’s the first thing you see? what i said was a vague reference to a war that ended 1945 that mentioned no one or any groups by name...

and as for bone, there will still be people who will find it incredibly distasteful, if you guys are going to enforce rules against distasteful jokes, they should be enforced for all controversies--it can be harmful to say that one controversial joke is more moral than another, as it can invalidate those who are suffering on the other side--therefore causing more conflict in this “safespace”.

Also from Ryan, one of the admins…

“This is no longer up for debate. Just refrain from making controversial comments from here on out please.”

I do not see a problem with the waggs joke either, but if you guys are going to cherrypick what is and isnt controversial in a public server of over 1,000 members, you better make sure you do it fairly.

uncensored version below...

I typed “(Posted because was still typing)” as this incident happened on mobile (ios ipad, horizontal view) and sometimes i cannot see what is being sent as my keyboard blocks it. Either that or i was truly just still typing (which i had a reason to be...)--i have no idea, this was back in december—I shouldn’t have to be digging this back up.

“just a reminder to everyone that “cursed” and “ethically questionable” are not the same thing! please try to keep civil and direct all moderation inquiries to staff in dms if possible”

“i’m seconding what ryan said. keep from making any other poor taste “jokes” in the future especially if it makes light of a tragedy like the holocaust.”

If only Lucia and bone stuck to their own principles as we see in the later Hiroshima bombing joke…

My “Wait so I’m confused” was the confusion of once again how mine had to be purged while the slur joke got to stay.

“Why is it ok to make jokes in possibly poor taste to one group of people over the other?”

“okay you know what i think you might just be stupid”

“Dude no one insulted anyone”

Once again, no one insulted anyone but given bone’s past behavior, of course she’s say something like this unprovoked…

Heart (the owner) did step in and break things up, and I have no idea if they were actually bothered by her comment or just fed up—due to past history I once again can’t help but feel targeted.

“the r word joke was also in poor taste and I apologize for not getting on it earlier. however, this doesn’t mean that other jokes that are similarly in poor taste are excusable. ‘cursed’ doesnt hurtful and i want everyone to feel comfortable in this servee”

I actually stood with this comment as I thought it meant silver’s joke was going to be removed along with any other controversial humor ones…turns out I was wrong…

The “What” I type below Lucia’s message was a response to this/these mysterious user(s) that were raiding the channel at the time and spamming the n word…I have no idea what goes on in here and I’m glad to no longer be a part of it…

This post and those related aren’t necessarily made for the people showcased in this incident, it is made for the people outside this cult of a fandom who will and will crack down on the warped ideas these people have and the actions they’ve committed, I could care less if @th06 skims through this response and doesn’t bother to reply—this is for the people who will read and will stand with me against this. You guys can hide behind anons, fake tumblr accounts dedicated to “shrimp and lobter” and talk about me on your blogs all you want…but I’m not stepping down, I never will. Bullying has taken up an unhealthy chunk of my life and I’m not willing to stand through more, these posts aren’t going away after the 27th, only the tags will change—those such as “#ub funkeys, #funkeys, #toys to life and finally #u.b. Funkeys community discord—are going to stay as they are still relevant to the content of this post. I cant get you, @th06 to delete the post or get the staff to unban me but that’s not what this chain fully aims to do.

Yeah, the following comments are all in response to raiders spamming the n word (of course they’re deleted). I have no idea who these people were or why this was happening as nothing strange seemed to be going on before.

“There is zero tolerance in regards to what anyone just saw. There will be no further comments at this time and this subject is going to be dropped.”

I’m nearly sure he’s referring to the spammers (man, I thought slurs were allowed in this server as long as they’re spoilered! Why didn’t they just tell the raiders to censor it? It’d fit right in with their “policies”), but with the “There will be no further comments at this time and this subject is going to be dropped.” Seems to be related to the “what is and isn’t controversial” debate. I can’t tell if this is referring to both or one or the other, regardless I find it ironic they’re stressed about purging the server of slur spamming raiders while defending a joke that contained one and the bashing of someone who called it out.

So after

“look at this pic of my cat”

You can see that the subject was dropped and the new one was pet pics.

Just—we’re not going to be talking about the hypocrisy…🤷🏽‍♀️

WILL BE CONTINUED IN PART 4

PART 1, PART 2, part 3 (here!), PART 4 AND FINALLY PART 5

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gothamdad · 3 years

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THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS PART ONE: CINEMATIC WRONGS AND ANALYSIS COMMENTARY

DO NOT REBLOG.

This is going to be a bullet point list of incidents that occur in the movie, and will either have my general commentary or an analysis of what makes the scene terrible (or in some rare cases, good). TRIGGERS FOR SUICIDE, MENTAL HEALTH, AND DYSMORPHIA

-bruce trying to kill himself in the beginning of the movie.

Hes reckless, and willing to risk his life, but not suicidal. But he just purposefully gets into a wreck at 2 minutes into the movie?? for no reason??? theres literally no reason for it other than it being angsty bc they COULDVE started the movie with the mutants doing crime, as the next scene cuts right into it and the following news reports

-"This reporter hopes that wherever he is, hes enjoying a toast with good friends" said when its the anniversary of batman’s disappearance

this is stupid I hate this movie. You're telling me Gotham forgives Batman for just disappearing on them? DID THAT NOT HAPPEN IN NML AND EVERYONE GOT PISSED??? Like everyone in this movie seems to have forgot he abandoned the city. Not to mention, and I'm gonna go off on a tangent here, bruce will be batman for as long as he lives. He calls himself batman in his mind even when hes retired. He believes that Bruce wayne is the mask. His whole identity is batman. Saying that hed quit because of jason is not only stupid because it implies Jason's death isnt just as important as his parents, but shows that any tragedy is enough to permanently knock him down. And as if the league, or the family, would have let him give up. Anyway the whole reason the retirement in batman beyond works is because it shows bruce was going to fight until he literally died on the spot, but instead he pointed a gun, didn't even use it, just pointed it, and he realized he wasnt fit to HONOR batman anymore. He broke the rule. And he doesnt deserve to wear the mantle. This is so good because 1) bruce still wants to be batman and 2) it doesnt imply that he gave up at all, and at this point with his decreasing wellness his family WOULD be telling him to stop

-Gordon toasts with Bruce on the anniversary

FBKSBSOANSISSB OH MY GOD IT JUST SHOWED HIM SHARING A TOAST WITH GORDON. this is the anniversary of the last time batman is sighted and gordon. JIM FUCKING GORDON. Is celebrating. When they were literally partners and hed shine the batsignal each night TELL ME WHERE THE LOGIC IS!!! I CANT FIND THE LOGIC!!!!! I'm literally 3 minutes into this movie..... and already this is how its going...

-Gordon and Bruce talk

"You're not worried about me, are you?" Asked when hes in clear danger of being attacked by mutants "noT MorE tHAn i aM tHe ReST oF tHis CItY" ah yes. I forgot that Bruce hated gotham and jim Gordon. My mistake. Common misconception.

-the mutants are introduced

Ugh and it's the worst kind of villains too, jim just described the mutants as "the worst kind of criminals. They are only after violence, with no humanity at all" GIVE! VILLAINS! REASONING! I hate these joker wannabes Joker was already enough we dont need a million more "lol I'm just evil deal with it" villains

"Talk to Dick lately?"asks Gordon "You know I havent" Bruce responds

THIS CONVERSATION IS GETTING W O R S E BC I KNOW HOW THIS MOVIE GOES AND HE JUST INSTANTLY HAS CARRIE BE THE NEW ROBIN- WHICH, IS N O T BRUCE'S TO GIVE. ITS ALWAYS BEEN DICK'S MANTLE TO PASS DOWN- WHEN HE HASNT BEEN SPEAKING TO DICK????

-tangent on how it’s overlooked that Dick Grayson was the one to make Robin, not Batman

This is a sin that not just the movie, but the batman franchise in general seems to always make. Robin was made as a tribute to the flying graysons, and is meant to be colorful and aerodynamic for acrobatic tricks. it should always be dick’s to pass down, or the next robin after.

-Bruce begins having trouble with holding back his urge to be Batman

His whole wanting to be batman again thing started because of a newspaper with a family's death and pearls being sold. On the same front cover. I'm. THATS WHEN HE REMEMBERS HIS PARENTS? NOT EVERY FUCKING TIME HE HEARS A GUNSHOT? OR CLOSES HIS EYES? OR SEES BLOOD? HE READS A NEWSPAPER THATS FLOATING IN THE WIND??????NOT EVERY TIME HE LOOKS AT JASONS COSTUME? OR THE OTHER CRIMES COMMITTED??????LOGIC!!!!!!!!!! I NEED !!!! TO KNOW!!!!! WHERE IT IS!!!!!!!! ARE U KIDDING ME NOW THE MARK OF ZORRO, WHICH IS WHO THE FUCK KNOWS HOW OLD NOW, IS ON TV??????????? AND HE JUST HAPPENS TO FLIP TO THE CHANNEL.. Batman telling bruce "you've tried to hold me back. But you're weak. Ypu know it in your soul. You're nothing but a hollow shell." Is so STUPID!! WHY HAS HE BEEN FIGHTING BEING BATMAN!!!!!!!!!! BRUCE SHOULD WANT TO BE BATMAN!!!! AND HATE HAVING TO NOT BE!!!! AND A BAT FLYING INTO HIS WINDOW AGAIN???? STOP THE FUCKING CLICHES IM SICK OF THIS . UR NOT BEING NEXT LEVEL, MOVIE. ITS JUST DUMB. ITS DUMB!!!

-Carrie Kelly

her first ??? Appearance??? Is her going into KNOWN MUTANT GANG TERRITORY instead of going through the rain. And scolding her friend for not having backbone WHEN THEY COULD LITERALLY DIE and saying, and I quote, "its better than out there." then when interviewed about the incident her friend says "It was a flying monster! With wings and fangs!" and she replies with "Reality check, Michelle, it was definitely a man, but he had to be like 12 feet tall" OH YEAH THATS VERY REALISTIC CARRIE. Shes an asshole to her friend and we're supposed to like her. Oh and Carrie's reason for wanting to be robin? She saw the bat signal while her parents were talking about public marches. That's it. That's her reason. Not because she was attacked by mutants and almost died.

-Giving the movie credit

Okay but if theres another thing I'll give credit for, and I'm sure its unintentional, is that Harvey is the first criminal he wants to take down. Because Harvey is always going to be Bruce's priority. He didnt go after the mutants, but Two-Face. And the way that confrontation goes when it’s revealed harvey thinks both sides of his face are scarred. the Arkham staff fixed his scars before he was ready for treatment, and his mental health wasn’t priority. he was going to have dysmorphia either way, but not treating mental illness worsened it. kinda? good writing? But I think it was unintentional to have the idea that Arkham didnt know what they were doing and the belief that scars are important before trauma, and how trauma has to be helped first. I dont believe for an instant that's what's meant.

-Carrie Kelly part two

She gets a Robin costume and goes out onto the roof and is like.... almost dies. THEN THE NEXT SCENE WE SEE HER SHES LIKE COMPLETELY ACROBATIC? WHY IS SHE SO ACROBATIC NOW!!! THIS TAKES PRACTICE!!!

-Batman confronting the man who supplied the mutant gang with guns

Oh, this scene...He hands a guy a gun, knowing full well that he was depressed because his wife was dying and he had to make more money to save her by supplying the mutants with weapons, and just walks away as he kills himself. (input from a friend which i like: think about everything bruce did to help mr freeze and his wife now think about this scene )

Batman vs Mutants

oh, and the "batmobile". Aka his tank. Rubber bullets. Ok fine, whatever, but RUNNING THEM OVER AND SHOOTING MISSCLES ISNT LETHAL? AND HOW IS CARRIE KELLY GOOD AT FIGHTING ALL OF THEM WHEN SHE COULDNT HANDLE HERSELF WITH ONE LIKE A WEEK AGO. hate that the mutant leader is just a ripoff of bane with long pointed nipples I hate this. I hate that batman cant take him down, but carrie kelly can. AND THE MUTANT LEADRER TOTALLY DIED WHEN BRUCE THREW ADHESIVE ON HIS FACE AND HE WAS SUFFOCATED BUT LATER ON IT SHOWS HE LIVES ??

Bruce talks to Carrie

"What is this thing?" -carrie "Dick called it the batmobile" -bruce "SIR!!" -alfred over the radio There are no words. Then she pops his arm into place and creates a makeshift cast And he says "where'd you learn to do that?” and because she’s a mary sue she says nothing, because miller doesnt know why she should, so he cuts to "what's your name?" and she says "Carrie. Carrie Kelly. robin" and HE FUCKING GOES "MINES BRUCE." and then immediately tells Alfred hes bringing "robin" to the cave. I hate it here I hate that he forgets what happened to Jason aFTER ITS HIS LITERAL REASON FOR QUITTING. WHAT IS THE POINT IF HE’S GOING TO ACCEPT THIS GIRL HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW AS ROBIN?

-Bruce talks about Jason

OH BRUCE'S FUCKING LINE. HIS LINE. IM FURIOUS Alfred asks "have you forgotten what happened to Jason?" And he says "I'll never forget. he was a good soldier. He honored me" I AM !!!! SHAKING!!!! WITH HOW MAD !!!! I AM!!! Bruce would NOT say that shit. Implying that jason wasnt his son, or that jason was only a casualty in a war, or that HE FUCKING HONORED HIM AND NOT THE CITY, OR THE TITLE OF ROBIN "He honored me" shut the fuck up I hate this and dont even get me started on the misconceptions of Robin in the first place. i dont want to go into the debate on whether or not they’re soldiers, which I personally don’t believe. but its just stupid because Jason considered being Robin the best thing that’s ever happened to him, and he was THE BEST. it wasnt his fault he was killed, either.

-The ending

So the mutant escapes his cell by going through a VENT. A . V E N T. AND ENDS UP IN THE SEWER. I hate that these mutants are just an army of evil people and have no motivation and the leader is just a brute I fucking hate Bruce calling him "son" And the mutants become the sons of batman who fight crime......??? because their leader is gone?? werent they supposed to be evil criminals with no humanity in them?

-Joker

Okay but Joker being absent the entire first part , only to show up in the end hearing news reports about batman, and then smiling as he stands up and just fucking creepily says "darling" holy shit that gave me goosebumps. another credit i have to give.

#long post /#theres still a part two but i am TIRED #i cannot today...... mayhaps if yall like this ill do the second part #ᴜɴᴍᴀsᴋᴇᴅ : OUT OF CHARACTER

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taetaesource · 5 years

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Getting a divorce with Wonho

Previous series: Getting a divorce with Changkyun. I might start doing one for each member?

You met Wonho at a hotel. He was on Monsta X world tour concert while you were on a business trip. You met him at the hotel’s gym.

It was past midnight and there was nobody else at the gym. Wonho was figuring the machine out as everything was in English and he did not quite understand.

You entered the gym and he briefly turned around and gave you a small smile, and quickly went back to understanding the buttons on the threadmill.

There was only 2 threadmills in the gym so you had no choice but to get next to him.

You got started almost immediately and started your jog, while Wonho was busy typing the words on the machine into his phone to translate what it means. He got visibly frustrated and started making small “tsk” noises.

You noticed that he has been pressing the different buttons for the timer instead and told him that he has to press start first and select the speed before setting the time.

When he stared blankly at you, you laughed a little and went over to press the start button. When the machine was activated, Wonho let out an “ahhhhh”.

You then told him to get off the threadmill and wave at him to come down. You pressed the speed button to show him that the threadmill moves accordingly. Then press the button to show him the timer.

He laughed and scratched the back of his head, “i am so stupid.” He said in English, word by word.

“No, you are not. It’s just not in a language that you know,” you laughed at how cute his laughter was.

“Thank you,” Wonho said with a smile before he proceed to get on the threadmill.

“You’re welcome,” you said and continued your workout too.

“So where are you from?” You asked as it started getting boring and awkward with just the both of you running side by side and facing the window in the same direction.

“I’m from Korea.”

“Oh jeongmal-yo?”

“Oh you are Korean too?” Wonho spoke in korean and showed that he was surprised.

“No, I’m not. I just learnt a bit of Korean in school.”

That’s how you and Wonho started knowing each other and because of the nature of your jobs, the both of you had a long distance relationship. But it didn’t bother that much as both of your jobs required you two to frequently fly around so there were times when you both will get to meet each other somewhere in another country, or you in Korea, or he in your country.

Wonho was a family person. He was ready to slow down his career as Monsta X and settle down if you would like to. But you had always been a career person. You liked your job and what you were doing, and you were not ready to give it up. Especially when you knew that not everyone has the privilege of loving their jobs or doing what they love.

You did not want Wonho to give up his career for you too. You have always told him that the both of you should work hard for each other and you can eventually get married when the time comes. There was no hurry and no need for rushed sacrifices.

Wonho was really happy when you told him that you were given the chance to relocate to an overseas office. You chose Korea for obvious reasons as you thought that this was a good opportunity to settle down with Wonho.

Moving to Korea was a good and bad thing. Good because you finally could stop the long distance relationship but bad because Wonho was so clingy (in a cute way). He practically moved in with you with the amount of time he spent staying over at your apartment and hanging out with you during the both of your free time.

It was also good because the end of long distance also meant that you could have more sex with Wonho. During the short meetups you two had when you happened to be in the same country while he was having his concert, you two would go at each other with much deprivation and hunger. The sex were often fast, rough and passionate, with him trying to cum inside you as quick as possible and you trying to get him to fill you up with his thick cock as much as possible. But living with him would mean that you had all the time to try as much positions and to get as much as you want out of each other.

With the amount of time you spent with each other and the amount of sex, it is no surprised that you eventually got pregnant before even any discussions of marriage with Wonho.

When you found out that you were pregnant, you had mixed feelings. Part of you were really happy to have Wonho’s baby but part of you also felt that this was not the right time.

Wonho was out of the world happy when you told him that you were pregnant. You thought that he would be confused or at least asked if you were sure because you were on birth control, there should be no reason to fall pregnant.

He got down to proposing to you in the next few days and planned out the entire wedding in less than one month. He saw through everything and you were impressed as you haven’t heard of men being hands-on or actively involved in the planning of the wedding. In fact, you told him that maybe you two should settle with just the registration of marriage and paperwork and skip on the wedding and announcements since it’s not very nice to wear a wedding gown and show up with a tummy.

Wonho also told Starship that he would quit the group and focus on doing the backend production of music instead. But Starship did not want him to leave the group. They compromised and promised to make arrangements to his work schedule to ensure that his personal life and the new baby that was coming will not be affected. Starship also promised to blocked off media reporting about it as you were not someone from the industry and Wonho wanted to prevent you from being exposed in the media.

You haven’t stopped working since you became pregnant. Though you had stopped reporting to the office due to Wonho's nagging, you would work from home on your laptop and answer phone calls here and there. Your pregnancy was fairly easy except the last few months where your belly was too big for you to be moving around much. You also had a lot of time on hand to the point that you were getting bored. And that clearly did not make Wonho very happy.

He would nag at you often, telling you to stop stressing the baby out or rest a little more. He knew you didn't like having people nagging at you so he would control himself but he has also done a few rounds of serious talk with you mainly because he was concerned that you might have a premature baby or risks of losing the baby.

You gave birth to a baby girl which Wonho adored. He was so happy that he cried upon seeing the baby. He even wrote a song because of her. The Monsta X members were all teasing him, saying that the baby girl must be Wonho's lover in his past life which was why her name is Sarang.

After giving birth, you took a month off to stay at home. Wonho's mother and brother came by very often to help out because you did not have any family in korea and you were a first time mum. Wonho would also take on the entire job of caregiving - feeding the baby, changing her diapers and bathing her. Even in the middle of the night, he would get up without complaining when the baby cried.

You told Wonho many times not to rush to the baby immediately to carry her whenever she cries because it will end up spoiling her. But Wonho would laugh it off and say, "it's okay, i will do it."

Even Wonho's mum told him that he was making the baby fussy. She would cry for attention often and would not stop until someone picked her up, making her a difficult baby to look after.

Because you had support for childcare, you went back to work. Wonho was not comfortable with that idea. He was washing the dishes one night while you were working on your laptop at the dining table.

“Yeobo..” he called while nervously wiping his hands on his shorts and taking a seat opposite you.

“Mmhmm?” you replied without looking up.

When Wonho did not respond, you looked up and saw that he was nervously looking down and rubbing his fists together. You knew he had something to say, so you closed your laptop and asked softly, “what’s the matter?”

“I’m just thinking.. why don’t you quit your job and focus on taking care of Sarang? I mean i have enough savings and my income is reasonable, i can provide for you and Sarang, you don’t have to worry about that.”

You never worried about finances because you know the income they have earned as Monsta X was definitely enough to keep them going for a long time. “Is it because your mother said something? She doesn’t want to help with taking care of Sarang anymore?”

“No no, she is very happy to be taking care of her. It’s her granddaughter after all...”

“Then what’s the issue now?”

“I just think isnt it better for babies to be taken care of by their own mothers? And Sarang is so young, she needs her mother.”

“I’m not leaving now... unless you are telling me to leave?”

“No! Why would i do that?” Wonho laughed. He felt ridiculous to even be bringing this up.

“Then why?” you laughed at his flustered face.

“I don’t know, I just thought it will be better for mothers to be by the side of their babies.”

“There are so many working mums now, and they leave their babies at infant care or with a babysitter. And we are doing none of that. Your mother, our family is taking care of her. Also, Sarang is growing well and healthy now, so i really don’t see why we need to change our current arrangements.”

Wonho knew he could not out-talk you. And he knew that you were right. The stylists noonas and staff at Starship, some of them had babies too and they would leave their babies at infant care before coming to work, and pick their babies up after work. So he kept his thoughts to himself and laughed it off, “yeah, as long as Sarang is growing well and healthy, that’s all that matters.”

“She will be fine,” you smiled and took Wonho’s hands and kissed them to reassure him.

The next day, Wonho did not have schedule so he was at home. After his mum put Sarang down for afternoon nap, he took the chance to talk to her.

“Eomma, what do you think about Sarang’s mother taking care of Sarang herself?”

“Why? Did she say something about me taking care of Sarang?”

“No no! She is grateful that you are helping us out so that she could focus on her work....”

“So what’s your problem?”

Wonho was getting flustered but he realised that this was his mum and he could not hide anything from her. She could see through him.

“I just thought she should take care of Sarang and stop working. It’s not like we need the money. She shouldn’t be prioritizing her work especially since she is a mum now.”

“Tsk tsk tsk, what kind of old-fashioned thinking is that? So many women out there are working mums and you say this kind of things.”

Wonho knew that his insecurities were unfounded and ridiculous but he couldn’t help it when you seemed to prioritize your work over Sarang.

“If you had wanted a wife who will just stay at home and look after your baby, maybe you shouldn’t have married her in the first place.”

“Eomma! How can you say that?”

“It’s true. It’s not like she has changed overnight. She was like this since before she met you. You should have knew that.”

Wonho knew that his mum was right. You were a workaholic since before he started dating you. He also knew that you loved your job. But Wonho loved his job in Monsta X too, but he was willing to give it all up for Sarang, so he did not understand why you couldn’t. But he also knew that there was no reason for you to give up on your career when someone was helping to take care of Sarang.

No matter how Wonho tried to justify, watching you work at home upset him.

“Can you at least drop all your work the moment you reach home? Let home be home.”

“Just this email ok?” you were frantically typing away on your laptop. But the email always ended up taking more than two hours to be done with.

Wonho’s resentment seemed to build up and manifested into building barriers. He seemed resigned to the fact that you were glued to your work and would find comfort in playing and taking care of Sarang himself.

When you spend time with Sarang, he would be busy doing other things or sitting by the side watching, and telling you not to pat Sarang’s back so many times or that you shouldn’t be talking so loudly, because it could hurt Sarang.

He seemed to be very protective over Sarang and often showing that he knew her habits and what she liked or did not liked better than you.

It was getting on your nerves so you confronted him, but it always ended with no conclusion as Wonho refused to be honest about what he thinks or feels.

The real dilemma kicked in when your boss asked if you were willing to start flying around again.

You spoke to Wonho about it and he seemed to be affected, yet he did not say anything. He said it’s up to you, and he won’t be able to stop you if you really wanted to go anyway. “But if you really care about Sarang, I don’t think you should be spending so much time at work or outside of the house.”

At first, you went for short trips but not for anything longer than 2 days. You would video call Wonho at night to talk to him and Sarang. You still missed them and realised that after becoming a mum, the nights spent during business trips felt empty and lonely.

The trips became more frequent, further and longer. That’s when Wonho started getting concerned. Work has made you tired, and the lack of support when you’re home was getting to you.

“You should know me better than anyone else! You were an idol, you know what overseas schedule is like, you should know what it’s like working for your passion! So how can you be the one blaming me and not understanding me now?” you often argue with him.

“That was the past. We are parents now, we are Sarang’s mum and dad. Is there anything more important now?”

“Why can’t I have both? Why are you always forcing me to pick one?”

“Because it’s impossible to have everything you want, that’s life isn’t it? Not especially when both your job and your daughter require so much of your time and effort, and there’s only 24 hours a day, and only one of you!”

You haven’t failed any of your duties as a mother, so you felt wronged and unfair. You fed Sarang, you spent all your free time with her, you played with her, you watched her giggle, you carried her when she cried, changed her diapers and talked to her, so you don’t know where Wonho was coming from.

Wonho spoke to Shownu about his concerns one day when Shownu entered his studio and saw Wonho looking really down and stressed out.

“Honestly, I don’t know what’s wrong with me either. I know that there are many women out there who are working very hard while taking care of their kids as well. But i don’t know why, the sight of her working even at home, and going on business trips so frequently, made me feel that she doesn’t care about our family at all.”

“You are right, many women are working mums now. It’s a norm. And it’s normal for you to feel that she doesn’t care about family as much as she cares about her job. I mean many women are working mums, but work stops at 6pm for them. They are still full-time mums. Have you tried setting some house rules with her? Like telling her no working at least during the time she’s at home.”

“We did, but it wouldn’t work. She would always say it’s urgent, or just one call but the call takes two hours.”

“Maybe it’s also the nature of her job. Maybe you should try switching the roles up a little. So she assumes the traditional “dad” role while you can be the mum.”

“Are you kidding now?” Wonho laughed.

“hahaha i’m just trying to say, you are having a hard time because you have an ideal. Your ideal of what a family should be, what your wife should be, what the mother of your kids should be. She is not behaving up to your ideals or expectations, so you are stressed out and upset.”

“Does this mean that we are not compatible?”

“That’s for you to tell me isn’t it?” Shownu placed his hand on Wonho’s shoulder before getting up and taking his leave.

That night when Wonho arrived home, he saw you on the sofa talking on the phone with your co-worker. His heart dropped.

He went to have a look at Sarang and when he came out, you told him that you have something to talk to him about.

“I have an offer from my boss... to move to China office...”

Wonho was affected by the news but he was no longer shocked or surprised. He just nodded.

“I’m thinking it will be a good chance... and the good thing is I have discussed with my boss and he is okay to relocate my entire family over so you and Sa-”

“I don’t want to move,” Wonho interrupted. Wonho was not the rash and impulsive sort and he has never interrupted anybody’s conversations. He always allowed the other party to finish what they had to say.

“You can go if you want. But me and Sarang, we are not going anywhere.” Wonho swallowed hard.

“But-”

“I won’t stop you from doing what you want, and I won’t force you to give up on your dreams. So don’t stop mine too.”

“What do you mean?”

“I just want to have a simple and happy family. I want to be able to give Sarang the best and watch her grow up happily and healthily with parents who love her and place her first.”

“Are you trying to say that I don’t love Sarang? How could you? She is my baby, I gave birth to her, she will always be-”

“But your job is also number 1, isn’t it? I don’t want to force you to choose between the two. But if anything bad happens, I don’t even know if you would choose our daughter.”

“Lee Hoseok. So this is what you think of me this whole time.”

“I don’t know what else to think.”

“I’m just -” you could not even continue because you were too angry and speechless. How could Wonho not understand you at all.

“I just want to let you know that you are free to choose and do whatever you want. But don’t force me and Sarang to accommodate to your career plans. We will be here, but if you don’t want to stay, don’t make us leave with you.”

“So if I won’t be back for the next 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, you wouldn’t care? You would let me be separated with my daughter??”

“You can choose to stay and not go. Like I said, we will always be here.”

“Lee Hoseok, you-” you swallowed and hesitated for awhile before finally saying it, “and what if I choose to go.”

“Like I said, you are free to choose and do whatever you want to do. I won’t stop you. But if that’s what you choose.... then we can only get a divorce. And Sarang... I will have her custody.”

Wonho said it as if he has thought through and practised his lines. You were so upset that he even thought about divorcing you.

“You know that the custody of children will usually go to the mother right?”

“I know. I’m trying to say that I will take it... Even if it means going to court, I will be the one taking care of her. I won’t give up on her, not my baby.”

#Monsta X #wonho #wonho fanfic #monsta x smut #monsta x wonho #monsta x imagines #wonho smut

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low-budget-mulan · 5 years

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Hi! How often do you run into psychiatric patients during work as an EMT? I'm doing psych right now and we had a 12 yo girl whose mom had her in porn at 6mo-9mo and I just want to scream at 1. these people who are pro-porn and 2. the mom is clearly mentally ill, but still what the effffff. So how do you deal with these patients?

I'm going to start this off by saying that those parents should be reported to CPS. That is absolutely disgusting and I would not let those monsters anywhere near a child. If you have not contacted the proper authorities yet then please do so now because their child (children?) Are being abused and absolutely nobody deserves that. Especially an innocent child. If you have actual evidence of the abuse and the evil things that the parent did then those kids should be taken away and locked up never to see the light of day again. Pieces of shit.

We run into psych patients on the regular. Whether it is a person who is having a psychotic episode, a person who is suicidal, a person who cant take care of him/herself, or a person who just has some sort of addiction where they are self medicating to forget about their problems (either drugs or alcohol. Sometimes both). It is all part of the job. Each patient is different. I've had psych patients who wanted complete silence. I've had psych patients threaten to harm/murder/rape me. Hell, just a couple days ago one tried to attack me in the back of the ambulance on the way to the hospital. I've had psych patients who just wanted someone to talk to. And I've had psych patients that I didnt even realize were potential psych patients until after the call was over. You have to be able to assess the situation and from there you can move forward in patient care. I'll give you a couple examples of times situations were handled well and times they were not and how I decided to act/treat my patient.

1.)

We had a 911 call for a behavioral overdose. Sheriffs were already on scene (good). We get there to find a high school aged girl. She was alert and oriented (AO). Her whole family was around plus the sheriffs, plus the fire engine, plus the fire medics, plus me and my partner. There were too many people. We are trying to talk to our patient and figure out the whole story but she isnt really talking. I turn to the fire medic (they technically are in charge of medical calls, so what they say goes even if it's wrong and stupid) and say let's get her loaded up and he agrees. We walk her to the gurney and load her into the ambulance. Typically we allow one family member/friend to ride along with a patient especially if the patient is a minor. Unless the patient is a psych patient. And heres why. Once the girl was in the back of the ambulance and away from the hoards of people she started answering our questions. She told us everything that happened leading up to this point and why she did it and how she was feeling. I gained her trust by talking to her and separating her from what was causing her anxiety and other feelings that werent good. During the transport I realized she just needed to be distracted. I was monitoring her closely with the medic and got all the medical information I needed. So we just talked about school and plans for college. We talked about her favorite tv shows and how I spelled my name wrong for 13 years. That's all she needed. But not everyone needs that. This is an example of a good call.

2.)

I will start this off by saying I can be sarcastic. Which is not always a good thing. Okay so. This was a transfer call for a man on a legal hold. We were taking him from an emergency room to an actual psych facility where the remainder of his hold would be carried out. This guy was extremely tall like over 6 feet and used to be in the military and still worked out a ton so he was pretty muscular. I just so happened to be driving this day. While my partner was getting his report I went to go get a set of vitals to make sure he was stable and nothing was wrong. Before I can even get them this dude is making all sorts of racist remarks and how he doesnt want to go to whatever psych hospital we are taking him to because "its associated with a certain kind of people if you know what I mean." Then goes on to say hes not going (which tbh if you're on a hold it doesnt matter if you want to go or not. You have to go until you are psychologically cleared). I explained that because he was on a hold he had to go and I wasnt the one who set up the transfer. I literally am just the driver and I go where my dispatch sends me. He then responds with "well what if I fight you" I realize I wasnt going to get my vitals and that this guy was going to be a problem. I walk over to my partner and tell him what's going on and that we need to use restraints (which I rarely use because who wants to be restrained?). At this point we now have sheriffs there to help us get the guy on our gurney and to protect us if this guy freaks out. We get him on our gurney and I put the restraints on. After putting on restraints you have to check for a pulse in the extremity and make sure they can still wiggle their fingers/toes. So I ask him to wiggle his fingers and he flips me off. Me being the sarcastic person I am and without thinking I responded with "oh thanks. I havent had that in a while. Could I get another?" The dude then threatens to rape me and becomes very agitated. I messed up. We de-escalated the situation thank goodness. But I could have handled that situation better. I knew he was already agitated and a dumb comment like that could have easily been the breaking point for him. Dont do something stupid like that.

3.)

We had a transfer for a woman who was on a hold. This was out of one of the worst hospitals I know. Literally the hospital that killed my grandpa. I already hated being there, but how the staff treats patients both medically and professionally (if you can even call it that) was absolute shit. I hated this hospital even before my grandpa was a patient there because of how incompetent and rude the staff was. Sorry I got distracted and ranted, but the backstory is relevant. I go to try and get a report from the nurse who knows absolutely nothing about this patient. Cant give me any history. Doesnt know what meds (if any) were even given. And gets annoyed when I ask for an actual report. Not just the "oh yes that lady is on a hold. She can talk but is being selectively mute. And you're taking her to this place. K bye." At this point I realize I'm going to get nothing from this 'nurse' and I just look through the packet. I go over to the patient who is just sitting there on the bed staring off into thin air. I realized that any loud noise or sudden movement scares her. So I slowly inch my way to her and introduce myself. I tell her I'm there to take her to a different hospital where the staff will be able to take care of her better and where she can get the help she needs. In that whole interaction I got her to say maybe a couple words. And they were basically what's going on. I realized the staff at this shit hospital did not tell her what was happening. Nobody told her she was being transferred. They literally just left her to sit in her own feces because they couldnt be bothered to do their job. Before I even touched her I told her everything that would happen. I walked her through the entire transfer process and let her know what was going on. Then once we were ready to actually start getting her onto our gurney before I made any movement I told her exactly what I was doing. She was completely fine with me. Once we get her to the psych place we finish up our transport and are about to leave she grabs my partners hand says "are they going to be nice and take care of me here?" My heart broke. I told her that yes she would be taken care of and that she wouldnt be ignored here as I know this hospital has great staff. She smiled and let us go.

By assessing the situations and the patients you are able to figure out how to handle your patient. Ive learned from my mistakes and I've learned from my coworkers who have been around longer than me. But always be cautious as a patients mood can change at any time. Even if you dont do anything to trigger it. A patient will go from happy and smiling to trying to punch you in the face. Know your surroundings. Be ready to react because things can change in an instant.

Addition: any sort of illegal activity I will report to the proper authorities. I have reported hospitals, families, and nursing home for neglect and other forms of abuse. If you are sure then ask someone who knows more. I usually ask the supervisor I trust or my coworker who's been doing this for 20 years.

#long post #ignore the errors #i just got off work and am typing this on my phone and my brains not working

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tumblunni · 6 years

Text

Oh fuck i cant stand this

Ive already almost used up my damn mobile data again and i only bought it yesterday. Fuck i want to go home. You guys are like the only comfort i have here and i dunno what im gonna do when i cant message you again

Fuckin hell stupid shit day! I was supposed to go to a therapy class thing today but the stupid bus went past where my abusive father lives and i had a MASSIVE FREAKOUT and had to go home and then ofcourse to go home you have to go back on the stupid same bus!! I fuckib failed and wasted the doctor's time and he had to grab me to stop me from running off the bus crying and back to fuckin hell dad's house because im shit and i deserve everything he ever did to me

AND THEN fuckin same doctor continues the relentless constant tide of everyone misgendering me and making crass transphobic jokes

"You see you've gotta understand the other opinion" he says, as if trans people werent fuckin raised SURROUNDED by cis people's predjudiced opinion of us and taught it was fact. As if it didnt take me SO MUCH WORK to even become confident enough to stand up for myself! I've gotta see the 'other opinion' that "yknow well families and children use public bathrooms and theyre scared trans people will molest their children so its understandable they want to kick you out or even act violent to you". Yknow the OTHER OPINION that MY OPINION DOESNT MATTER and also MY ENTIRE EXISTANCE IS A CRIME but i'm the one being predjudiced for not accepting that OPINION, right?! Im here trying to tell him that no that isnt rational because there have been LITERALLY NO RECORDED CASES of trans people molesting children in public bathrooms, or even "evil men faking being trans" to do the same thing. There's been more cases of actual cis men breaking into women's bathrooms to drag women out for merely LOOKING trans. More cis women have been harassed because of anti trans laws than they ever did before! But hey "respect that other opinion", right? And also "at least its not as bad as russia" and "but gay pride is everywhere now, that one footballer had rainbow shoelaces." Hey wow i never noticed that not only was homophobia totally over but also transphobia was remotely related to that! Wow! I seriously had to bring out the fuckin 1600s historical investigation on pre-british olde englishe that showed the existance of a gender neutral pronoun before the word "he" ever existed, and the existance of transgender pride and pronoun discussions in the 1800s before the word transgender was even popularized. I cant believe i fuckin had to do a 'show your sources that queer people existed before the internet' IN REAL LIFE. WITH A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL. I can point at the damn NHS website but nooooo!

Oh and yknow what got me the most? YKNOW WHAT GOT ME THE MOST?? "We have sick people here, you cant expect them to remember stuff like that. Dont ruin their recovery by bringing up stuff like that." Like..fuckin..IM A FUCKIN PATIENT TOO. I wasnt even asking the other patients to stop hurting me i was asking you the staff to maybe consider it! And seriously you want me to be so super ultra perpetually prepared and perpetually rational and able to keep my existance secret and out of every conversation yet theyre too ill to learn about lgbt people existing? Just a sentence would be too painful? And me living every day being misgendered doesnt impact my ability to recover at all, eh? Fuckin shitting fuck hell.

And i hate it i HATE IT because he's being nice so i'll be the bad guy if i complain. Likehe fuckin..doesnt even know he's being rude and doesnt want to consider the idea. He says 'i dont like your tone' if i suggest the concept and FUCK in that moment i was so fuckin scared he was gonna hit me like my dad did. Or at tge very least kick me out of the hospital if i dont cooperate with him. He just fuckin..thinks he's perfectly unbiased and accepts everyone and "oh but i like to make fun of everyone equally". And i even fuckin raised the subject that people who say that often only make fun of minorities and never themselves, the majority, or major power structures. And he's just like 'yeah yeh i hate people like that'. Whoosh. Rigjt over the head. God i wasnt even TRYING to be passive aggressive i was trying tk outright tell him why what he said was upsetting me but NOPE. Trying to explain how its just so hard and tiring to have to verrrrrry patientlyyyyy explain yourself to EVERYONE EVERY DAY CONSTANTLY while they sling loads of rude words at you and it should be just allowed because they 'dont know better'. Like you ask me to educate you but at the same time im rude if i actually tell you?? And god i also tried to explain how the fuckin bathroom violence thing isnt an example of 'educating another opinion' AGAIN by saying like... If someone just asked me to explain being transgender i would. If someone just said they were uncomfortable i would leave. That's 'another opinion'. Reacting with slurs and violence to a trans person existing and not doing anything to you is not 'another opinion' and its not someone who 'just didnt know'. He was seriously trying to argue that it WASNT BIGOTED it was just someone rationally being afraid for their children because of a danger that doesnt exist, and rationally reacting with extreme violence rather than doing anything else. Rationally. RATIONALLY. oh just MISTAKENLY committing a hate crime! Cos they just didnt know trans people exist! Not cos they hate us! Oh no! Yeah sure we totally have a fucking DUTY to educate these POOR UNKNOWING PEOPLE while theyre attacking us, and its our damn fault if we didnt...

And just fucking FUCK i hate how someone can say all that stuff and still be "nice" and still not hate me personally? Like its so messed up?? He's not anti trans or anything he just has so much more damn sympathy for cis people than trans people, and puts all the onus on us to somehow prevent our own murders. And he thinks that "i dont have a problem with trans people" means doing LITERALLY NOTHING to change your behaviour to make trans people feel accepted. They should just magically know that your jokes are jokes when theyre surrounded by so many people saying it honestly, in CONSTANT FEAR OF THAT EXACT THING LEADING TO VIOLENCE. And like in order to be "a guy who has no problem with trans people" he has to do nothing, while in order for me to be not bigoted against HIM it means i have to never get offended by his jokes and also never talk about myself and also constantly educate him about things because he doesnt want to learn, even though he works in a hospital thats supposed to have an anti discrimination policy. Like fuckin just NOT HURTING LGBT PEOPLE doesnt make you discrimination free, shit like telling me to misgender myself because my pronouns would confuse the other patients is kinda fuckin fucked up. Also "that's a question for later" is all i CONSTANTLY get when it comes to talking about legal name changes or therapy or even just talking to an lgbt support group. I have to wait until i stop being depressed because oh no im talking about too many mental illnesses at once. Its been seven years and i havent fuckin stopped being depressed, bitch! Ever consider a fuckin symptom of gender dysphoria is a big ol fat depression!!! And just gahhhhh he was so fuckin baffled and angry that i would dare to get emotional about the subject?? Like he just saw DEBATING WHETHER TRANS PEOPLE ARE REAL and WHETHER PEOPLE WHO MURDER THEM FOR USING THE BATHROOM ARE JUSTIFIED as a perfectly normal casual discussion that a Non Transphobic Man could have with his transgender friend. Why oh why would i cry about this casual hypothetical discussion? Hey its not like it fuckin affects me directly! "Well its never happened to you right?" A Ha Ha Ha Ha. Also fuckin "so which bathroom do you use?" and "well you're not really transgender if youre not getting the surgery-oh wait you do want the surgery? How does that work then?" I swear i could just see the gears turning in his head and he was about to say "do you want both down there". Gahhhhhh *cringes myself into a tiny tumbleweed and blows away*

Also the entire time he kept calling being trans a sexuality and also asexuality. "No youre not trans youre asexual right?" Yeah sure ive just been saying im trans and saying im not a girl and wearing a chest binder and talking this entire conversation about my experiences as a trans person in public bathrooms just to pull an elaborate prank on you. And like i know what he meant is that he thought the word for nonbinary was asexual (has asexuality REALLY made so little progress towards getting into the sex ed curriculum in the entire 25 years of my life?) But like seriously he was like "youre not really trans if youre nonbinary". And then fuck dude i dont wanna explain how surgery works to you!! And especially not also my entirely unrelated sexuality that has entirely different equally upsetting predjudices!

Ans gahhhh fuck i just got no sympathy for crying and he acted as if it was just some wildly unexpected occurance he never could have predicted. And i hate it cos he's nice to me whenever the subject is about anything else. I cant get any symoathey from ANYONE because he's A NICE GUY and why dont i just understaaaaaand other opinionnnnnns

I wanted to fuckin quit this whole thing on the spot and go home. Only reason i cant is because my support worker is off work until thursday auauauaughhh

Fuck at least one positive i guess is that ive made progress in the social anxiety or at least gotten better at giving the impression im making progress. Cos i want to LEAVE AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. And also fuck all my other worries seem less suicide-inducing when im actually getting the closest ive ever been to killing myself on a daily basis because of a stupid other thing that i never could have predicted. Go here for one form of self hate, come home with another! Yayyyyy

And fuck i havent even made a single bit of progress on drawing or writing anything and i cant practise making ganes cos my laptop cant run rpgmaker and i havent even started reading my giant pile of books cos they fuckin LOOK THROUGH THE WINDOW EVERY SINGLE HOUR TO MAKE SURE YOU AINT KILLED YOURSELF. i have no fuckin pribacy and its making me wanna kill myself even more!! I just live constantly on edge looking at the fuckin door window and i cant even do anything to distract myself because im too scared of them looking at me!! Or barging in at no notice to tell me i have to do some big stressful thing RIGHT NOW because i dont even get advance notice of anything aaaa! And fuck i dont have anywhere to go to even calm down from a panic attack cos i have no privacy so at least im getting over being scared of going outside cos outside is the only place i can go to cry. Fuckin strangers in the crowd at least wont cause shit if they see me.

Fuck i want to go home. Fuck i wish i had enough money to keep buying mobile internet. Its like fuckin 750mb a day to run tumblr but its all ive got to talk to any person who doesnt hate me or patronize me or think im faking a bunch of shit or whatever the fuck. And im not even any fun to be around when im like this so im probably just ruining your day too. And im probably gonna vanish again soon and then just go back to crying alone and getting worse and probably never being able to leave

I knew it was gonna be stressdul but i didnt predict any of this.. I just wanna fuckin die. I wanted to jump out the car and go to my old dad's house and have him pull open the door and slap me around a bit. Like call me a fucking dyke, call me a sick retard, be honest about your feelings! I'd fuckin take being abused over this "oh youre the bad one for being mad because i had goooood intentions" reverse psychology bigotry from hell. Either these people are evil geniuses or theyre even more stupid like me. Fuckin shit dad please manifest in my room and slap me, killing me instantly. I feel like being scared of you would at least be a faster emotion than this nebulous sensation of confusing unease and dysphoria 24/7 for 6 fuckin months. One week done, haha! Hahahabahahahahahahahahahahahahshahahahahahshshshahshahahahhahahaaaa

#suicide mention #im sorry #all their no privacy shit doesnt even work cos i was just left alone all night when i wanted to kill myself #and took then three days to notice the wound on my arm #didnt cut my veins or anything dangerous i just couldnt stop scratching #at my skin for an hour and now there's a bit of a mess there #but its scabbed over so its fine #i drew all over the other arm to keep from hurting myself again #i thought i was okay after that nice experience at the build a bear workshop but im even #worse today cos now i k ow the staff are just fuckin fine with transphobia and im gonna just have to #shut my mouth i guess #fuck just look forward to the art classes whenever i finally get to do them #but i was looking forward to the class today and then i couldnt do it cos i got all scared of dad #fuckkkkkkk

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everasrealm · 3 years

Text

THE DEEP VOID

The halfling was standing there idle in a pool of black water. Her image was reflected up against her as if there was a light source coming from around this dimension but she could see no lamp, no fire, and no sun. All around Kithri was an empty void. No matter which way she ran, she was in a blanket of darkness. Fear mixed with dread set in when she finally spoke, “Trygve?”

Her voice echoed and verberated in the still silence. Sometimes it grew loud, sometimes distant but then faded into nothingness.

“Well, hello little one,” a voice chimed in and out through the silence.

“Who are you?” Kithri shouted out, “show yourself!”

The voice in the pitch black gave a deep laugh, “I’m already here. I’m all around you.”

It felt as if the void grew colder and the water from the ground started to soak into her clothes. The voice was almost far away like her echo, but also right at her ear as if it was speaking directly into it.

“My sweet Kithri, what have you done?”

"You didn't answer my question; who are you," Kithri called out into the void, her hand trembling slightly as she reached down to touch her staff.

“The people of your world call me the Entity,” the voice carried around her as if whatever was making the sounds flew around her in circles. “I had a body once but I gave it up for something far more interesting.”

A figure appeared from the black curtains and was illuminated just as Kithri was. He was bald with a severe looking face. Only a moment flashed by before Tenzin’s appearance shaped in front of her. “I can take on this form, he seems to have a big place in your life.”

Kithri took a step back, the words stumbling out of her mouth, "I didn't come here for magic tricks. I came searching for a friend. Where is he?"

The entity walked past Kithri and a scene laid out. It was the dojo, back at the monastery. Only in this version, everything was off. Where the dummies normally were put, nightmarish versions of herself stood. The entity stood between two of them and looked towards Kithri, but not directly at her.

“You came to speak with someone who isn’t here. How very foolish of you,” the entity spoke. “And since you were trying to manifest something that simply does not exist here, your subconscious is now lost in my realm. I do say, it is quite tasty.”

She looked around, trying to swallow the panic swelling inside of her. "No, he has to be here. We watched him die and the person who came back...its not Tryg."

“Hmm,” the voice hummed. “Souls depart the real world often and are reincarnated into better versions of themselves all the time. Take for instance the phoenix. It bursts into flames when it’s body is no longer needed and is born again from the ashes. ” The entity glides between the dummies and stops at the doorway to the next room. “Your friend was here, but he found a way out.”

"He found a way...wait why are you telling me there is a way if you don't want me to leave." She unfolded her staff, eyes fixed on the figure of Tenzin but wasn't, "Who sent that mushroom? Was it you?"

“I’d love for you to stay, I can show you anything you want to see, tell you anything you want to know,” Tenzin stares blankly towards her. “There is a way to leave, but most stay here with me. They find that it’s much easier to stay than go back and face their problems in the real world.”

He sighs and glides towards Kithri with ease. “I didn’t send you anything.”

"I...don't like what you're insinuating. I don't need a place to escape my problem. I am not a coward. What do you mean you can tell me anything?"

“Anything, Kithri,” the entity glides back over to the door and disappears into the blackness. Slowly, the shadowy dojo starts to collapse in on itself as darkness consumes it. “Is there anything you’ve ever wanted to know? Maybe about your parents dying and how Tenzin was the one who ordered it?” The entity's voice fades as it gets farther away from you. “I know all about you.”

Kithri found her feet running toward the door before she could even comprehend how stupid it was. Her voice shook as she entered the darkness after the Entity, " Leave Tenzin and my parents out of this. How can I trust everything you say is true? How do I know it all isn't a trap to keep me here?"

“You don’t,” says the entity. As they both head down a long hallway, they pass pictures, or windows, that look out onto different scenes of Kithri’s life. The entity stops before one of the frames and turns ever so eerily towards Kithri.

“You don’t have to believe anything I say. In fact, I will leave you alone to your thoughts if you want me to. But like a spider stalking its prey, I’ll be watching you from my web.”

The entity peers into one of the windows and a scene before them plays out. It’s a young halfling girl sitting at home with her parents. A fire is on and a bubbling soup is being made by the mother. This child is Kithri, playing happily with her little toys.

“Ahh, a fond memory. It’s barely even touched. It tastes so sweet. You must have repressed this one, or perhaps you were too young to remember. I do love it when a memory is forgotten about. It marinates in their head and so delectable when I pluck it.”

Kithri brought a shaking hand up to her mouth as she observed the scene, the child who was unmistakably her, the man and the woman. The same figure she saw weeks ago when Yuna showed herself to the group. "Stop this. I don’t want to see any of this. What do you want with me?" Kithri couldn't help the crack in her voice as she spoke, turning to the Entity, the full terror of what was before her starting to sink in.

“I want to feed on you Kithri. And you’re so full of anger and resentment for such a small little one, I could live off of you for weeks,” the entity's face changes to a darker, much more horrific looking face. Almost as if its skin has hardened and turned to a shade of gray clay, most of its distinguishable features deteriorate and the place where its eyes should be is just two glowing dots. It wears a tattered robe and it’s long spindly legs hover a few inches off the ground. The entity cocks his head at Kithri and behind her in the frame are her two dead parents right at the glass peering in behind her. Their hands break through the glass and it sends Kithri plummeting below as the floor gives out. When she reaches the bottom, there is no broken glass or legs. It’s her, back in the Broken Wheel Tavern. A sink full of unwashed dishes stack up, waiting to be cleaned. In her hands are the plates and goblets, they are almost rubbed raw from the amount of cleaning she had done.

“Oh, another spark of emotion I find here,” the entity strides around the kitchen.

“You were mourning something. A friend? Tell me a story, Kithri. I’m dying to know.”

She looked down at her hands, "Victor, I tried… I couldn't save him." Tears fell softly down her cheeks as she threw the dishes in her hands into the sink and turned to scream at the Entity to find herself alone. "These are private, get out of my head!" She ran out the door of the kitchen, into the main room and started heading toward the door.

“I cannot leave your head. I will always be there, but if alone is what you want,” the entity soothingly says. “Why not play with your friends?”

She reaches the door and the other side of it is Madame Leota’s room, only inside of the crystal ball is Terra’s decapitated head. Standing over the crystal ball is Evelyn, cackling maniacally. Her eyes are black, similar to the Void Evie back at Wakefield. “Terra really never saw you as a friend, more as a hot headed loser who only cares about themself. She’s been telling everyone how much you don’t belong with them. Soon they will all turn on you and you will be nothing more than a pathetic head for my collection!”

Evelyn laughs some more before Terra’s rotting head speaks “you’ll never be free, you’ll never be free,” she repeats until the door behind Kithri opens once more.

"Terra," the name escaped Kithri's lip as a whimper. She backed her way to the door, pulling on it, "No, none of this is real. Terra would never say those things. They… they would never do that. I want out of here!"

Kithri falls as the door opens and the rushing air passes through as if she is free falling through the clouds. Bits of her memories flash by and taunts from her childhood echo in her ears.

“Stupid little girl!”

“You’ll never be free!”

“She’ll never be good enough!”

“Fucking halfing.”

Then it all disappears. She lands on the watery surface of the void. Her memories are gone, the moments in time fade. A figure appears, it’s Trgyve. Only in this version, he is covered in blood and utterly naked. His fangs have been exaggerated and his eyes are red. He’s feasting on something. When she approaches, she notices it’s Sera , cold and lifeless.

Suddenly, her arm reaches up, “help me” comes out of her mouth. Trygve goes in for the kill and he disappears into nothingness before she hears in Trygve’s voice: “she tasted so good.”

The entity reappears. “Oh dear, what a monster. Looks like all he wants to do is feed on you too. How can you trust a beast like that? Not to mention your other friend, looks like she’s here to play too.”

A furious roar sounds from behind Kithri. It’s an enlarged tiger with dripping fangs and matted fur. It’s Shin and she’s ready to pounce.

Kithri's heart was beating so fast she thought it might leap from her chest and any second. "They aren't beasts or monsters," she growled towards the Entity as she tried to avoid looking at Sera's mangled body. Head down, she spoke in as calm, but strong of a voice as she could muster, "Tryg...isnt a monster. None of this is what he wanted, he doesn’t have control over it sometimes." She then turned to Shin, tears falling from her face,"Shin… it's me Kithri. We are friends. You know this; and I know you won't hurt me. I know you're in there. Don't let it control you."

Shin’s deafening roar reverberates through the void and sends ripples across the shallow pool of water. The tiger does not lunge at Kithri’s throat, it disappears, leaving her alone once more.

Black columns rise out of the water and extend into the abyss above. The center column, a spectral version of Willa stands facing away from you. “My father is dead. I could have saved him,” she says. She turns towards Kithri, eyes blacked out and bleeding. “You could have died with your parents too. I wish I did. That way I won’t have to be so alone. Won’t you kill me Kithri? Kill me so I can stop suffering.” Will leaps at Kithri but just as she’s about to hit her, she melts into a puddle.

The intensity of these visions and moments of Kithri’s life are coming faster and quicker. There’s no telling how quickly, or slowly, time is moving. Have minutes gone by? Or days? Maybe even years?

The entity then sits crossed legged in the reflection pool of the void. “Sit,” it offers.

Kithri falls to her knees sobbing, small, breathless whispers the only thing she could manage out, "I...I can't...please stop."

The entity looks less clay like and more… human, or at least fae like. It’s almost as if when Kithri first saw it, the entity was a husk, ready to be shaped. Now, it looked less hungry and more “full”.

“Only you can make it all stop, Kithri.” The entity still sits, looking at the defeated haling before them. “Your emotions get the best of you and it makes you weak; vulnerable to my attempts. Someone in the real world is working to save you, I can sense it. Help will come to you, but you have to do it. I’m afraid you're too weak to leave me. I’ve fed on many creatures who have wandered into my realm. Yours by far filled me up. I will leave you alone now so I can rest. And so that you can build your strength back and I can feed once more.”

"You said," Kithri managed out, "That you could tell me anything I wanted. How…how can I help my friends? Terra's powers, the WLF, what's happening to Tryg, Shin's condition… the darkness." Kithri struggled to her feet, shaking like a leaf with her hands clenched as she looked up at the Entity, "If I'm going to go through this hell, I am not leaving it empty handed."

The entity stopped moving and looked at Kithri. “Yes, I can tell you anything you want to know. For I cannot lie. It is the way of the fae,” the entity responds.

He stops himself in front of Kithri, his beedy, glowing eyes staring into her very core. “You can help your friends by finding a way out. You can’t help them all, you’re not meant to. You need to stay here with me and rest. Yes, sleep here and rest, little one.”

The entity’s voice beckons Kithri like the sweet smell of apple pie to a starving raccoon. “I know not much of this WLF, they are good at avoiding my reach, but what I can tell you is someone came to the void once before asking about them. Her name was Ella. She found a way out of my realm and said she was going to find them once she found a way out of here. She too was quite tasty. All those years of neglect and mistreatment. A tortured soul hellbent on revenge. Those are some of my favorite tastes.”

The entity paces and the void turns into something more corpreal than an endless blackness. It’s some sort of cavern, a large blue fire burns and the entity sits down on what looks to be a throne of bones. “I was once in Yuna’s court; she named me Obsidious. I was supposed to be the faery of dreams. But Oknos had a row with her and he claimed me for his own. Now I’m here, ruling over the void like it’s my own personal kingdom. I can use it to create memories of those who wander here. I know everything about those who enter the void. Their minds are so easy to pluck. Yours was the easiest in a long time. After witnessing the death of your vampire friend, that cracked you open like an oyster.”

Kithri could feel her eyes getting heavy, every cell in her body screaming for the relief of sleep. "So you are not part of the darkness?"

“You could say that my realm exists with the help of the Darkness, but also the Light. It’s normally the bridge between the living and the dead; as long as the living has a tether to the real world, they can return to their body. But if there’s no tether, it becomes a lost soul. That is what you have become. And I feed on them,” the entity kicks its feet up on the foot stool and relaxes a bit. He seems to be more at home and happy that Kithri is so willingly close to him.

“Most people run and scream from me. I don’t blame them. I devour souls and worlds. But you, you actually listened and are asking questions… good.”

"Sera...Sera talked about balance. So did Xavier. Is this what you are talking about?" Ignoring the exhaustion throughout her body, she took one strained step towards him. "Am I still tethered enough to go back?"

“Yes. I have heard of Xavier and his cause and he makes sense. Yuna’s Light casts all over Everas and the Darkness is trapped beyond the veil. Why should the Light run free and the Dark have to hide?” the entity asks Kithri.

“As for your tether, I would say that you have someone in the real world protecting you from falling deeper into the void. I can’t lie, I’ve tried hard but you’re strong for your size. But I also think you’re lucky. Someone in the real world wants you back and is trying hard to get you.”

"Maybe because when people think of the Dark this is what they imagine," she lifted a hand toward the void around her. As exhausted as she was, Kithri drew what small bit of strength she could from his words, the small hopeful truth in them. She took another step closer, shaking as she did and taking a deep breath, "I...I want to see what happened to them, my family… and then I want to see Tenzin response. No tricks or warping but the truth. I'm done running from it."

Obsidious raises his eyebrow, “I can show you, but you’re not going to like it. The Void is known to many people and they all have different names for it. I’ve heard Limbo be used, the Upside Down, and Ahtohallan among many other names. It’s true, it does take many forms, usually around those who enter it and it consumes their worst fears and nightmares. That is the design of this place.”

He sits up in his throne and rests his elbow on his knee and cups his chin with his hand. “Not many would venture too deep to find answers they are looking for is what I’m trying to say.. The Northuldra have a clever song written about the deep Void,” he starts to sing, “In her waters, deep and true, lie the answers and a path for you. Dive down deep into her sound, but not too far or you'll be drowned. Yes, she will sing to those who'll hear and in her song, all magic flows. But can you brave what you most fear? Can you face what the river knows?”

“Are you sure you want to know?”

"From what you have seen of me, do you think the tether will hold? Do you think I'll make it through?"

“Kithri,” Obsidious gives a small chuckle. “I want to consume you until you are nothing but a husk. But I can’t imprison you. That’s my curse. You are the one who will have to bring yourself out of it. You are free to go at any moment you please, as long as you can find it in yourself to do so.”

Obsidious gets up and moves to the fire. He pulls something out of it, almost like a ghastly balloon. Kithri hears a faint wailing as he consumes it into his body. “Delectable. I’ve been saving that one for a while now.”

“As for this tether, I’m surprised it didn’t break when you followed me in here. If it hasn’t broken yet, I wouldn’t think it would now.”

Kithri took a deep breath, as she closed her eyes, trying to remember all of her friends, their smiles and thought of Tenzin. "I promise I'll make it through," she whispered so quietly to herself that it was almost a silent prayer. With one more shaky breath, she nodded towards the Entity.

“If you’re sure,” Obsidious says. He lifts his hand and a passageway opens, leading deeper into the Void. “I’d say good luck, but if you don’t make it out, your soul will be with me forever to feed on.”

Kithri stood to her full height. "If what you said is true and I have people who still want me then I don't need luck," she attempted to say confidently, though the moment the words left her mouth the words seemed hollow with uncertainty. One foot in front of the other she walked through the passage.

Down the steps, she descends deeper into nothingness until the steps stops and she’s in a room that looks like any normal home in the Imperial City, though this one is whispering in darkness. She sees two halflings stoking a fire, finishing up what seems to be a nice dinner of lo mein and steamed vegetables.

“I’ve just put her down, dear. She should sleep through the night.”

The man looks at his wife, “our precious little girl. I don’t know what we would do with out her.”

A knock at the door breaks their smiles. “Who is it?”

No one answers. Kithri’s father goes to check, but no one is standing on the other side.

“Who is it, Po?”

“Must have had the wrong house. No one was there.”

Then a crash happens, all the windows are broken and five men appear. Kithri’s mother screams but Po rushes to her side. “What is the meaning of this?”

“By order of the Emperor's Army, you are being sent in for questioning about the treasonous acts against the empire.”

“What do you mean? We have nothing to do with this, you’re making a mistake!” Kithri’s father says loudly. She knows where her anger must come from.

“Submit or we will execute you here.”

“Oh PO! Please listen to them!”

“NO, I won’t Lin! They have NO RIGHT to enter our home, we are not traitors!”

Someone comes to the door. “They are not the traitors, Teneko.”

The other man looks at him, “we have orders to kill them.”

“But they are not the ones!”

Kithri sees her parents whimper and her mother starts to cry. “Please don’t do this.”

“TENEKO, we have the wrong house. Let’s go.”

A moment passes. “No, they’ve seen too much. We can’t have them telling others about what happened. Kill them”

“NO!”

Kithri watches her parents be executed in front of her. The memory starts to fade around her, the stairs reappear, descending down once more.

Kithri stood shaking, unable to peel her eyes away from where her parent bodies, cold and lifeless, had laid on the floor. Finally, after what seemed like hours, she pulled away, her body not falling feeling like her own as she continued down the stairs.

The next landing was Tenzin’s office. A group of soldiers are gathered around his desk. He looks very deep in thought and looked much younger.

“On whose orders were you told to give an innocent family?”

No one spoke.

“Answer me, now.”

“Yours, sir. You told us to kill the traitors.”

Tenzin paces back and forth, something Kithri saw him do plenty of times, calculating his next words.

“I gave the orders to kill the traitors. I did NOT give the orders to kill innocents. You will turn over your sword and armor immediately and will bring dishonor to your names. Get out of my sight.”

“But sir,” another man speaks up. “There was a survivor.”

“What?”

“A child. We can only assume it was theirs.”

“Where is it now?”

“With the other women. We are going to call the temple to take her in. We can’t raise a child here.”

“Stop talking. Tell Mother Jule that I will be down to talk to her shortly. The child will stay with me. It is my duty to clean up your mess. The child will train here, become a warrior.”

“But sir, the child is female.”

He pauses. “Did I speak a different language, Teneko?”

“No sir. I will alert Mother Jule.”

The men leave and Tenzin sits down into his chair. He seems to be thinking again.

Moments pass and Mother Jule walks in with the child. Their conversation is muffled, the memory is not as clear. The baby is placed in Tenzin’s arms and the last bit of the memory is left with Tenzin saying “I will protect you from the evils of this world, little one. If its the last thing I do.”

Kithri walked tentatively toward Tenzin, afraid that this image would fade if she got too close. After a few steps, her knees gave out and she collapsed on the ground. She didn’t even attempt to stiffly the sobs that came out as she spoke, not caring that this Tenzin wouldn't hear her. "I… I blamed you...it was never your fault. I'm so sorry, Master. I was… I never made it easy for you… the fights… the resistances … the disrespect. It was all met with stern direction and patience and I accused you of pity." The sobs intensified till she could barely get out the words, "I… don't deserve any of it… I could never apologize enough…"

“Mm, that’s what I want to hear,” Obsidious took over the place of Tenzin and the office space turned back into his lair. “The sweet taste of sorrow. It’s sour, but sweet at the same time. Have you learned what you came for?”

Kithri's voice was raw as she closed her eyes tight, trying to hold onto the image of Tenzin, "What ended up happening to Teneko… is he still alive?"

“See for yourself, little one,” Obsidious points his long, spindly fingers towards another staircase, leading far down into the depths. “Though, have you ever heard the saying, curiosity killed the cat?”

"Don't call me that, " she snapped at Obsidious, something deep down breaking, flooding her with rage. She stood weakly and shaking as she continued down the stairs, the burning rage mixing with her shame and sorrow with each step.

Down, down, down the rabbit hole Kithri went, descending deeper into the very pits of the Void.

A memory begins to form, but it’s blurry. A man that looked like Teneko stands before another man. Teneko is down on one knee in front of the other man.

“My lord, I shall serve you with all of my strength.”

“Rise, Teneko.”

He rises before the other man.

“I want you to do something for me. I hear you’re good at killing people. I need you to kill a witch who has something that I need; a book. Her name is Fiona and she resides in Salem. Kill her and bring me the book.”

“Yes. I will do that. Thank you, my lord.”

“Welcome to the court.”

The memory fades and Kithri returns to the same place she started at the beginning of it all. A black, nothingness.

“Now you’ve learned the truth and I sense you’re full of emotion. But now it’s time to submit to me, Kithri. Let me consume you.”

0 notes

whxtiswriting · 5 years

Text

Orphaned Castiel ||

Castiels parents died when cas was very young, their best friend, James Novak, became a parent overnight. They were rich, and overnight, James lost his best friends, gained a son, and more money than he could ever use. He was only twenty three, and suddenly he had an entirely new life.

It was almost a dream, but the young child he’d just been given full responsibility of was kind of an asshole. He was constantly pushing James to his wits end. James suddenly felt like a failure at all turns. Nothing seemed to work, and the isolation was deafening. The first few years, James tried to do it alone.

That didn’t last long. After Cas broke his leg playing soccer with some local kids, James had a tutor come in. they started homeschooling, and he got a nanny, and things got easier. He actually had some free time, imagine that.

Castiel didnt have many friends, after that change. He saw many staff members come and go, and he lost his tutor right around the time he turned 17. He got caught making out, barely clothed, with his much older tutor. He was supposed to be studying- but instead he was feeling up his tutor. “Get out.” James hissed, pulling the older man by his ear. “Get out. You’re fired. Take your stuff and go.” James turned to cas. “You and I? We will talk after my meeting.” James warned, before walking off, to calm down. In the quiet of the room, castiel panicked. He got dressed and threw on a jacket- and he climbed out of the window, a familiar route the rebellious child took, over a large reaching branch, down the tree, and he took off running. He ran to the large gate that lined the huge property, jumped on it, climbed over- and hopped down, and then kept on running. He finally gave up running when his legs gave out. He didnt really think ahead-where he would go, where he would sleep that night, or anything like that. He ended up in a park, and hid out in a play structure.

It was really dark by the time james found him. Castiel had ignored the cries of his name- hed stayed hidden on the playground until james found him, and yanked him out from his hiding space. “Castiel!” He exclaimed, his temporary relief faded into anger. Castiel was trembling- but he didnt say anything. James dragged castiel to the car and watched him get in before he got into the drivers seat. He preferred to be in control-he didnt use personal drivers or anything excessive like that. The drive home was tense and quiet. Castiel didnt say anything, he kept his eyes downcast. He was afraid to say anything to his adoptive father. When they parked in the driveway, james clenched the steering wheel and breathed slowly for a moment. Castiel debated fleeing the car-but he feared that things would get worse if he did so. “My office.” James decided, slowly getting out of the car. “Let’s go.” “Yes sir.” Castiel agreed quietly, getting out. James was trying his hardest to keep calm. He walked inside and to his study without another word. He stood behind his desk, watching castiel walk in. “What were you thinking?” James asked. “-” Castiel hesitated. “Or were you just not thinking? You dont care who you’re hurting!” james accused, taking a deep breath. “-” Castiel scowled. “You acted cowardly, recklessly, and stupidly, Cas! I raised you better than this!” James hissed.

“Better than what?” Cas snapped. “I am EXACTLY as you raised me! If you think i should be better, than you should have raised me better!” Cas argued, glaring up at his godfather.

“I raised you better than what youre doing! I raised you to not go fucking a man who is fifteen years older than you and has been around since you were eight!” James hissed, angrily. “I raised you not to runaway from your responsibilities! To runaway from those who care about you!” Castiel hissed at him, scowling, “Who I fuck or don’t isnt any of your damn business!”

“It is my business! I didn’t raise you to become a whore!” James lashed out, realized what he said, and tried to calm down.

“So now I’m a whore?” Castiel questioned, “For being the least bit sexual? You’re just jealous because I have more of a sexlife than you do.” Castiel accused. “I don’t know when you became such an asshole.” James said, shaking his head. “This isn’t about my personal life, kid. This about you.” “This seems like it’s really about you. You dont give a damn about me. You’re lashing out because I have found a way to have a life in spite of you.” Castiel growled angrily.

“In spite of me? You have a life because of me!” James hissed back.

“Because of you? You didn’t do anything! You just got a kid from some dead couple.”

“I took you in when you had no one.” James exclaimed, exasperated. “You don’t care, do you? You don’t care who you’re hurting! You don’t care about anyone besides yourself! You’re such an ungrateful brat! You runaway instead of facing your consequences? If I had runaway from things when they got tough, who would you have? No one! You would be all alone!” “Being alone is better than this!” Cas said cruelly. “I don’t need you. I didn’t ask you to do anything for me! I don’t need you! You’re just an angry old man!” Cas screamed, threatened, clenching his hands. “You don’t need me? You wouldnt be able to tie your shoes or spell your name without me!”

“You arent my dad! You’ve made that clear! You don’t get to tell me what to do!”

“I’m glad your dad isnt around to see what you’ve become. You’d break his heart. You disgrace who they were!” James lashed out- saying things he didnt really mean.

“I should fire you, throw you out. You’ve gotten too comfortable with the luxury that comes with being around me.”

“You can’t fire me.” James laughed, “You couldn’t last one day without me.”

“When I turn 18, you’re so out of here. It’ll be the first thing I do. You might want to start packing.” He threatened.

“I’ll just have to make sure you know that I have control over you until you turn 18.” James replied, “You’re mine, I can make you do whatever I want.” “You couldnt make me say ‘Ah’ If you were a doctor.”

“You’re an asshole.”

Castiel shrugged. “A rich asshole.”

James realised that they needed to calm down. “Go stand in the corner and think about everything you’ve done wrong today, everything you’ve said.”

“Yeah, sure.” Cas snarked, rolling his eyes. He didnt move.

“Castiel Michael Romanov-Novak! Go!” James hissed through his teeth.

“Make me.”

“Go!” James repeated.

“No.”

James stalked around the desk, grasped castiels arm, and dragged him into the corner.

“Let go of me!” Castiel shrieked.

“Stand in the corner!”

“No!” Castiel screamed, thrashing against James’ hold.

James blocked castiel into the corner, irritatedly. “Go!”

Castiel continued to struggle for a moment before he stilled, and began taunting james. “This office is lovely. I think I’ll repaint it pink. Make it a recreation room.”

“Shut up, cas.” James encouraged, angrily.

“Make me.”

“Do you even care how worried I was?” James asked, sighing.

“No.” The answer was cold and he was lying.

“I looked everywhere for you.”

“That’s your problem.” Cas antagonized him.

“You’re such an asshole.” James exclaimed.

“Who’s fault is that? Is it yours or the four nannies that quit on us?”

“I don’t know how to make you realise what you did wrong or make you care!” James hissed back.

“Why don’t you try hitting me? You seem to think that works!”

“Shut up, cas.” James answered angrily.

“Make me.”

“Why don’t you ever just listen? Why do you always act like this?” James questioned castiel, still blocking him into the corner.

“Maybe it’s you.” Cas taunted. He was stroking the fire that was james’ anger- but he couldnt help it. He couldn’t stop.

James sighed, “Stand on one foot and face the wall.”

Castiel laughed, “You really think that will work? Should I touch my nose, too?” “Just- Just do it, cas.”

Castiel did as requested, but he couldnt stop laughing.

“Do you have to be such a pain?”

“No, but it’s fun.” Castiel answered, definitely.

James kept trying to reprimand castiel nonphysically, nonviolently, but castiel kept pushing his buttons. Cas kept taunting him. James finally snapped. He yanked castiel over to his desk after Castiel said he hated him.

James threw all of his work things onto the floor, a cup of pens shattered, pens scattered everywhere. “You’re an ungrateful bastard!” He hissed, having reached his breaking point.

He held castiel down, his hand on the middle of his back, and undid his belt. He was blinded by anger. “You are forcing my hand, cas! I dont know how else to get through to you!”

“Have you finally grown a pair?” Castiel asked, still recklessly taunting james. He didnt understand the danger he was in.

James yanked his belt off, folded it, and hit castiel on his ass, over his jeans. “You need to learn that actions and words have consequences!”

“Is that all you’ve got?” Castiel continued to taunt james.

James hit the belt down harder, “You must face your consequences!”

Castiel fake yawned, “Barely felt that.”

James angrily growled and tore castiels pants and underwear down, before hitting him with the belt again. That time, castiels laugh was cut off- he’d been laughing at the fact that james growled. “Is that all you have?” He taunted, and forced himself to laugh again. “It’s weak, no wonder you’re all alone.”

James began hitting him harder, really putting all of his effort into the punishment. He was careless about where the belt landed, and he even pulled castiels shirt off because it was shielding his back from the whipping. “You are a careless, ungrateful, smart-mouthed, stupid, reckless, asshole, spoiled, child!” each adjective was emphasised with a spank from the belt.

At first, castiel kept taunting him, but as it went on- it became harder to think or speak at all. He just cried, and screamed. He couldnt block the pain out, he was grinding his teeth, trying not to break- but it didnt last. He was a babbling puddle of pain not too long into the beating. He couldnt catch his breath between the hits. It went on for so long- castiels skin broke, and he was bleeding all over the belt and james’ desk. He couldnt even beg for it to stop- he couldnt calm down.

Then, james was yanked off of him. “Stop! James!” someone exclaimed, “What do you think you are doing?!”

Castiel was left panting on the desk, his head was spinning- his body felt like it was on fire.

“Cas? Are you okay?” Someone asked, touching castiel’s face.

Castiel flinched away from the contact.

There was a lot happening, all of a sudden, but cas couldnt focus on it- everything was foggy and busy. He was moved to his bedroom, his soft bed was a welcome change from the hard desk. If it wasnt so painful, castiel would have fallen asleep.

The room was quiet as castiel laid in his own misery. He couldnt bring himself to focus on the voices of his godfather, Benny- the head of the kitchens, and Amelia, James’ girlfriend of only a few weeks, as they argued in the hallway. The arguing was really loud, but all castiel was able to focus on was the scuff on his wall. It was from a table pushing into the wall when castiel fell as a young boy.

It was quiet again, as a new voice entered, “Thanks for calling me, Benny.” the newcomer was Bobby, their concierge doctor. “Where is he?”

“He’s resting on his bed.”

“I’d like to see him alone. I need a bucket of clean, warm water and a soft rag.” He instructed, before looking over the three gathered there. “I want you to go wait downstairs, and try not to kill anyone before I’m done here.”

“Yes, bobby.”

A moment later, his bedroom light flicked on and Bobby came in. The air was tense as bobby took in the sight before him. “Hey, Cas.” He greeted, attempting to not be upset by what he was seeing.

Castiel didnt respond.

“I’d ask how you are feeling but I’m sure I already know.” Bobby said, setting his doctor bag on a table and grabbing things out that he would need.

Castiel stayed quiet.

“I’ve got to clean you up, okay?” Bobby explained, “This will hurt.”

Castiel remained quietly.

The water was brought in, with the rag. “First, I’m going to use water to clean you up.” He took the rag and began washing castiels injured body.

Castiel tensed, and a whimper escaped his mouth.

“It’s okay, cas.” Bobby promised, he continued to wash castiels wounds and apologize as he did so. When he was done, he put the rag away, and grabbed a disinfectant. “I have to cleanse the wound with disinfectant, now. This will really sting, and burn. You can scream if you need to.” he narrated for castiel what he was doing.

Castiel didnt scream, though, even as the new fire erupted. He clenched his teeth, and closed his eyes. The burn was worse than the fire from being hit. It was amplified because castiel couldnt stop himself from writhing in agony.

It was still stinging when Bobby slipped rubber gloves on. “This will help.” He promised, pouring medicine onto his hands. “I’m going to apply a medicinal salve to your injuries. This will be invasive, and it might hurt- but it’ll help.”

Once again, castiel stayed quiet.

Bobby was gentle and thorough as he applied the medicine to castiels injuries. The wounds were on his bottom and his back, mostly, but there were stray welts and cuts on his arms and thighs.

“I could kill him for this.” Bobby grumbled, “To hurt a child is the worst thing you can do.” He removed his gloves and grabbed the bandages. “When my boys came to me- my oldest had a broken arm and hadnt slept in probably days. He had stayed awake and broken because he wanted to protect his brother- who has a medical condition. It had taken everything my oldest had to give. I would’ve killed their old man if I could have. What he did to my boys- my precious boys- I would have killed him. Luckily, he’s gone now.”

Bobby took a moment to make sure every wound was covered before he addressed castiel again. “The recovery from this will be hard for you. CPS will have to investigate and monitor your homelife and- It’s just going to be tough.” Bobby said, looking at him. “I promise you, though, castiel, I won’t let this happen to you ever again. I promise you.”

Castiel looked at him sadly, “-”

“I’ll be here often, as you recover. You have time to get your words together, cas. Now- here, take these-” He instructed, handing castiel some medicine, “And get some sleep, Okay?”

Castiel took the medicine with help from bobby and some water. He ended up basically sleeping for the next week, and then stayed in bed until his wounds faded into scars. There were three nurses that switched off to help castiel until he recovered, and Bobby checked in almost everyday.

Bobby kept his promises- CPS looked into the household and James went to therapy. Castiel and James ended up going to therapy together and separately. Cas was reluctant, but things got better, and after a while, they stopped going.

Castiel was given many workbooks and personal books and he resumed working in his study alone for much of his life after the incident.

James had to spent over a year trying to win amelia back, as she broke up with him over the incident- they did end up back together though.

Castiel’s behavior overall vastly improved; he wasnt a menace to the staff or james, and he wasnt constantly reckless with his life anymore. He made good friends with Benny, too.

Though, at 23, he might have had a backslide into dangerous behavior as he was engaging in a reckless ongoing flirtation with James’ personal assistant, Kyle. Kyle was a few years older than cas, but cas didnt care. He was almost always nice, and he cared about cas.

Cas was holed up in his study, reading a love story about a doctor and a student and their adventures as they tried to save the world. The couple in the story was straight, but castiel didnt mind. He was curled up in the window seat, reading happily.

That is, until someone knocked on the door.

Castiel slipped his bookmark into his book and then slipped the book under the blanket on his ottoman. “Who is it?” He asked, getting up to grab his workbook he was supposed to be focusing on.

“It’s me.” Kyle answered.

“Oh, come on in.” Cas replied, dropping his workbook back onto his desk.

“Working hard?” Kyle asked, shutting the door behind him. “Something like that.”

“Oh, reading one of your other books?” Kyle asked, hugging castiel from behind.

“Yeah.”

“What about this time?” Kyle asked, kissing castiels shoulder.

“A doctor, a lovestruck student, and adventure. Its actually really romantic.” Cas revealed, closing his eyes.

“How would James feel about you reading your porn books up here?” Kyle teased, kissing castiels neck and nibbling his earlobe.

Castiel shivered and gasped. “Stop it-”

Kyle began sucking lightly on castiels earlobe.

Castiel jerked away from him and rubbed his skin, trying to calm down. “Stop- I mean it. You’ll leave a mark and get us in trouble. James will fire you.” Cas reminded, trying to breathe. “Stop.”

Kyle sighed, cupping castiels face. “A little risk in life is what keeps us alive.”

#writing #foster james #orphan cas #oc #abuse #bobby is a doctor

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tumblunni · 7 years

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Okay, kinda TMI talk here about period problems and Bunni Being Worried And Dysphoric, blablabla I’m just having a huge stupid panic moment right now cos I read some internet medical articles and LIKE USUAL I’m being all ‘oh god i probably have the worst case scenario disease on the list, I’m gonna fuckin die’ even though I literally have never been right about that even ONCE when I’ve done it. Still, it sucks having a stupid anxiety disorder cos you can just feel your body throwing you into panic attack mode even as you are rationally saying to yourself that this worrying thing has a 0% chance of happening. Its impossible to just choose to not be afraid of something... *sigh*... SO YEAH ANYWAY UMM Don’t want to worry anyone, I’m totally gonna be fine and I’m just being irrational mess about something that’s probably gonna be a super easy solution once I see the doctor. I’ll just book an appointment tomorrow or later this week, no biggie. And I’ll write all this stuff down so I can avoid freaking out and crying over how embarassing Vagina Health is when you’re trying to ask your cis male doctor about it and you’re a trans person who just wants to stab themself whenever they think about this goddamn Wrong Organ. like seriously, the biggest comfort I am using right now to come down from this panic attack is ‘hey, if it IS a big horrible cancer tumour, then at least it means they cant stop me from getting a hysterectomy now!’ :P so umm anyway that was probably too TMI already but I’ll put the more TMI stuff under the cut

OKAY! SO! I’ve suffered from REALLY HORRIBLY BAD periods for like.. ever They usually had an issue of being way too short but also WAY TOO POWERFUL. I’d have just a one day absolute burning pain blast where I would literally be unable to walk. LITERALLY BE UNABLE TO WALK! Like, I COULD NOT STAND that my dad was just telling me ‘;you’re lying, you’re exaggerating, its just cramps’ when the pain WASNT EVEN THE GODDAMN CRAMPS. I got fucking stabbing pain in my lower back for no damn reason, was inexplicably constipated and throwing up, got a huge hot-and-cold-flushes fever, complete muscle weakness in my legs which made them fucking shut down, and like.. LABOR SYMPTOMS. Its this weird horrible downward pressure pain in my pelvis and I was just a goddamn kid so i was like.. ‘i cant even tell if this is part of the constipation’, i would be spending five hours on the toilet desperately trying to shit out a shit that didn’t exist, as my body spasmed itself to death forcibly ejecting out way more blood than I ever thought I even had. I It took me so long to find out that that wasnt normal for a period?? That this didnt happen to everyone???? And cos its SO GROSS AND EMBARASSING to talk about these particular symptoms, I didnt tell anyone. Even when i finally was able to get some pain medication from the doctor, I just mentioned the abnormal amount of bleeding and pain, not the weird ‘wtf my bowels just stopped working as if my ovaries are constantly punching them for 24 hours’ part. Seriously just fuckin.. so degrading and disgusting.

And i was a fuckin 13 year old kid, this just abruptly started in my second year of having a period, and my dad was a sick fucker who ‘didnt believe in doctors’ and didnt believe i was telling the truth about my symptoms. So I had to live FROM 13 TO 17 without EVEN KNOWING THAT ASPIRIN AND IBUPROFEN EXISTED! i was going through all of this without even the basic pain medication most people have for normal periods! Once monthly I would BEG GOD TO LET ME DIE Seriously i would spend THE WHOLE 24 HOURS screaming in horrible pain on the floor that gradually got worse until I finally couldnt move my legs and passed out from exhaustion. And all i could do was hope that I’d get weaker each month and pass out faster, cos seriously being able to sleep through it was THE BIGGEST BLESSING EVER like DEAR GOD like ONCE I was able to get to sleep during the point where it was milder pain and then when I woke up it was already over and AAAAAAHHHHH I got to go a full two months without feeling that death madness again and seriously fuckin.. how the fuck could my dad look at this small child screaming and vomiting and sweating like I was in the sahara and gushing blood from every oriface cos i fuckin VOMITED SO HARD I VOMITED BLOOD and somehow still think I was just ‘making it up’

god one of my worst memories was how I had this huge horrible period death attack in the middle of school and my poor teacher was trying to comfort me and trying to call my dad to pick me up, and he just Did Not Give A Shit so the teacher tried to drive me home himself and just.. god I was so happy even as I was dying just cos I got to meet ONE PERSON who had sympathy for me and even actually said ‘hey you should see a doctor’. And all i gave him in return was throwing up in a trash bin for an hour in the back of his car, and then he had to meet my awful father and have a door slammed in his face. And then as soon as he got me inside the house dad just hit me and screamed at me for ‘embarassing him’ and ‘ditching school’ and man the only good side effect of being Fucking Dead On The Floor Already is that I did not feel a thing of it and barely even managed to hear a word he said. I think he just gave up cos seriously i wasnt even fuckin moving, i guess the fun goes out of beating your kid when they’re too fuckin stoned on their own vomit fumes to even be able to cry anymore. Oh and my other Even More Worse memory was when I missed the chance to see Howl’s Moving Castle cos of this shit. I saw like the first twenty minutes of it before my period hit while I was in the middle of the theater and then i had to spend three hours crying and puking and bleeding and laying on the floor in a pool of my own vomit in a cinema bathroom while my dad screamed at me as if i was purposely faking just to embarass him. Like seriously dude?? BASIC LOGIC, PLEASE! he was CONSTANTLY accusing me of doing really horrible manipulative things all the time, as some sort of twisted excuse to hit me and pretend i was an evil fucker causing every problem in his life so he didnt have to feel guilty about doing it. And it NEVER MADE ANY GODDAMN SENSE! Even if i WAS an evil monster, what would that evil monster’s MOTIVE be? Why would i constantly do these evil things that serve no purpose except to get myself half killed by my dad? Why would I ruin a cinema trip that I asked to go to, to see a movie I waited all year to see??? And the most vivid disgusting part of it all was when he walked in and saw me like that and I LITERALLY ASKED TO DIE, and he LITERALLY LAUGHED. I begged him to call a doctor, he laughed and said I was exaggerating. I begged him to call an AMBULANCE, he laughed harder. I told him to his face that I wanted to kill myself just to make the pain stop, and he acted as if it was the funniest thing he ever heard, turned around and left and watched another movie. The poor cinema staff were left taking care of me while he ignored me, he wouldnt even take me home, he was just like... waiting til he finally got bored enough to do it. His biggest concern was ‘eww you made me walk into the girls’s bathroom’... I’m never gonna be able to stop remembering that, I’m never gonna be able to deny how absolutely certain I was that I’d rather end my life right there than live this nightmare for another month and another month for like fuckin 30 or 50 years. God I wanted to kill myself A LOT when i was with my dad, but this one was the worst cos for all I knew I’d be stuck with this pain forever even if I managed to escape him. I was so fucking ignorant! I didnt even know there was easy to acquire pain medication you could buy in any supermarket across the world! I mean, I still have the problem of my period being more severe than expected and all, but the meds at least made it NON SUICIDAL LEVELS OF PAIN. And god I once wanted to kill myself as a young child because I didnt know those existed. And I didnt know that transgender people existed or that there were words to put to my other feelings of disgust about having a period. I may still be depressed in a lot of ways, but I’m living a way better life now!

So umm yeah anyway my current worry today is because my period hasn’t ended for like 2 or 3 months now. I can’t even pinpoint the exact time it happened, cos it started with just light spotting and my period coming a few days late every month for like a year? and then it would last longer, and sometimes I’d get a small bit of bleeding suddenly starting up five days later and ending within a few hours. I sorta didnt think much of any of these symptoms and i cant nail down exactly when it just increased so much that it became this noticeably constant. And its REALLY weird for me, cos also all this stuff came along with my period not hurting as much?? And now for the last month i haven’t felt any pain at all, so I cant even tell which part of all this bleeding was the actual period. And I’m bleeding way less than usual, its just... constant. Its not even enough to be a big problem so I didnt wanna tell anyone and be a bother, its not like I’m losing blood enough to get light headed, its just annoying having so many pairs of underwear ruined and feeling more dysphoric 24/7. And it makes me pretty anxious cos I didnt know what was causing this and whether it was a symptom of some bigger problem- like, it doesnt hurt but maybe its a sign i have fuckin death doom cancer or something and its suddenly gonna start hurting any second now???

So yeah, today I finally stopped being anxious and decided I’m gonna call a doctor next week, and did some internet research to see if this is serious enough to really call the doctor. And cos I’m dumb I panicked thinking of the worst case scenario, but also doing that research kinda cheered me up cos now at least I know an explanation for why the symptoms seemingly got worse on random days, and like.. this isnt an impossible thing. Cos seriously, yeah, raised in a household with No Doctors Ever. i dont know very much about medical health, when this first started happening i freaked out cos i had NEVER HEARD of bleeding outside the regular monthly cycle and from all I knew it was PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE and I’m PROBABLY DYING xD But no, apparantly spotting and mistimed periods and going one or two weeks of constant bleeding are all completely natural variances that just happen, and you dont even need to call a doctor for that. I just need to call a doctor cos its been happening a bit more often than that, they say up to a month is a normal amount. And apparantly the vast, VAST majority of conditions that cause constant period are not remotely life threatening, the worst possible scenario is becoming infertile or just.. having to continue experiencing mildly annoying bleeding a lot. Apparantly a lot of people choose to not have an operation cos they don’t wanna lose the ability to have children, but fuck I’ve been hoping to lose that thing FOREVER, jesus christ! damn docs won’t let you have a hysterectomy ‘without reason’, like seriously why is ‘i dont want to have children’ not a reason?? and why is ‘i have never had sex and never will have sex’ not a reason and also why is ‘i’m nonbinary transgender and would like this surgery even though i don’t want genital surgery’ not an option seriously MAN PLEASE can I at least go on hormones doc. seriously everyone is being all ‘well treating your ptsd and depression is a bigger priority right now’ and i mean ITS NOT LIKE THERE’S A REAL DEADLINE FOR WHEN THAT’S GONNA END and DYSPHORIA KINDA DOESNT MAKE IT ANY EASIER gahhhh god i really REALLY hope they let me have a hysterectomy i am gonna be SO DISSAPPOINTED now if it turns out this ovary failure is not the particular sort of ovary failure that requires removal of ovaries. plz kill them. pliz mr docter. they haf plagued my lyfe 4 too longe. XD god, sorry, like I said I’m just really dysphoric talking about Vagina Health Stuff so i’m getting a bit irrational and ranty. Its just like that ‘please can i skip the middle man and get to the end of the transition already’ feeling. I know it would be stupid to not listen to my doctor’s advice on the subject. Tho I do kinda feel like everyone is just patronizing me and doenst think that nonbinary really exists, i’m still trying to get my support worker to stop calling me a girl... MAN IM GOING OFFTOPIC TO A WHOLE OTHER ANXIETY HERE

Anyway! Researching into possible causes of it! It’s entirely possible i may have Adenomyosis, which would ironically mean I have an excess of estrogen in my system and am like.. Too Female To Female. I’m gonna fuckin cry if its this, that’s like the biggest fuckin sign that your sex doesn’t have to align with your gender! or lol maybe god is trying to compensate, i just imagine its like throwing too much sugar into a cake to try and make up for it tasting like shit. sorry dude, woman machine broke. BUT I don’t seem to have like a huge amount of symptoms for that one, aside from just the excess bleeding outside of my cycle. So I’m leaning more towards the ones that also include back pain and uhh.. gross bowel issues of embarassingness. It might be that I was always showing preemptive signs of one of these conditions!

One other that it could possibly be is Endometriesis which is a really fuckin cool sounding word but impossible to spell, lol. Apparantly its this TERRIFYING CONCEPT where your uterus is like.. a tumour in your gut. For whatever reason there’s uterine tissue growing in your intestines, stomach or other butt related tubes. I dont wanna read more about it cos its already making me terrified and anxious, so I dont even know HOW exactly that works. I mean is it like there’s a big ol hole stabbing through your organs connecting two unconnected things together?? Cos if so, I cant understand why its saying that its an easy operation and a never fatal condition! So I’m assuming maybe its more like everything is still separate but like.. the composure of the cells in your intestines is wrong? There’s like a tiny vestigal lump of uterine lining tissue in your stomach lining instead? i guess maybe they’re somehow vaguely related, so like.. if the human body begins from stem cells that can grow into any other cell to make a full human, it would seem entirely plausable that rather similar organs or skin thingies could accidentally form all vice versa. i guess thats also the reason for mutations like people growing an extra finger? I had a friend who had two extra fingers at birth, actually! I felt really sad when she told me about it, it was like years after we met that she felt comfortable enough to tell me about where her hand scars came from. i just remember i felt SO CONFUSED why she’d even think that like.. she had to be super certain i was a good person who wouldnt make fun of her. Why on earth would you mock someone for something like that?? How many other people must have treated her like shit if she feels this ashamed of her own hands?? And I felt really sad that she had them amputated too, I just find it a bit disturbing and surreal that there’s this societal thing of giving extensive surgery to very young children to ‘correct’ something that’s completely harmless just because it ‘looks wrong’. i’ve read stories about stuff like a child having like a split arm, an extra arm attatched at the elbow. And that particular operation to ‘correct’ it literally made the kid lose all ability to use both arms, just so they could have one ‘normal’ looking nonfunctional one. Thats messed up! Its EVEN WORSE that this happens the most commonly with intersex conditions, its invasive GENITAL surgery on newborn infants and even assigning them a random gender based on whichever form of genitals was easiest to ‘recreate’ with plastic surgery. These poor kids dont even get to know about what happened to them until they grow up and uncover this horrifying pandora’s box of medical files...

Oh, and speaking of intersex conditions, another possibility is that I might have PCOS, which is like being intersex in hormones but not outer genetalia. But I’m not sure about it cos I don’t have a lot of the more visible symptoms of it, aside from adult acne and ‘weight gain' which is.. well im pretty damn sure I gained this weight the normal way instead XD It also says that unusual hair growth might be a symptom, but it doesnt seem I have it in any of the places that’re common for the disease. I’ve had a weird thing of suddenly gaining light spots of hair on my belly and neck in the past few years. Its weird cos it really is just spots for the neck, its only growing in the right side in a little circle. i dunno what’s up with that! It sucks cos I really would like to be able to grow proper facial hair, I’m only able to do a very spotty mustache that just makes me look even more like a woman I think. i just look like an ugly woman, I feel like everyone can instantly tell I’m DFAB and they’re just laughing at me for this one failed attempt to look masculine. Also it fuckin sucks being overweight cos binders don’t work as well! They’ve gotta be wider to fit around a bigger body of course, but that means its hard to find the right size that’re be tight where it counts withough being tight on the shoulders. I think my current one is too baggy, I can’t stand even looking like a normal dude of my weight level, i cant stand even having regular fat guy ‘moobs’. I WANNA DESTROY THEM ENTIRELY!! Also, incidentally, I’m kinda terrified the most of being diagnosed with PCOS just cos it’d make my dysphoria worse. It’d kinda make me worry that maybe my identity is invalid and I only feel this way cos I have this hormone problem, and I’d probably refuse to take any treatment just in case it somehow cures my transness :P

The one that currently seems most likely is ‘uterine fibroids’. Apparantly its a non cancerous form of tumour that’s so small that its not remotely damaging, and surgery is very easy and non scary. The problem is just that you have so many of these small things slowly stacking up over the years, and being hard to spot until its already gotten bad. Plus even a small thing can be very painful when its in a very sensitive organ. I’m thinking its probably this cos they mention specifically lower back pain and constipation/other bowel problems. The endometrisis one would also explain the constipation during periods, but this one has a wider range of very specific symptoms that all seem to match.

Anyway, writing this up has helped distract me so I can calm down a little and wrap my head around all this. I just hope I can have enough courage to talk to the doctor about it and hopefully find out what it actually is. Oh, and a random tip I learned! Eating too much sugar increases menstrual bleeding! That was what was confusing me about my symptoms seeming to worsen out of nowhere on random days. I was super worried!! I guess the change is just more noticeable than it would be on my regular period, cos this one is lasting so long. I tested this out today by chugging one of the super grand milkshakes from that cool midnight milkshake takeaway shop, and I started getting the big ol scary clotty giant bleed within two hours. Waited a while til it stopped, drank another sugary drink, happened again! Definate correlation! I’m kinda relieved cos this definately proves it’s a period related problem, I’m not bleeding from like an exploded organ or something. This is definately specifically the ol menstrual blood, and I dont have some horrifying sudden septic wound in my vag out of nowhere. Tho seriously i dunno why I was worrying that cos its not like I’ve ever had sex, where would a wound even come from?? I guess I was just going nuts back when I was all uneducated and assumed it was Literally Impossible to have a period that lasts too long. Mannnn talking about this is SO GROSS I’m like cringing into the ninth dimension just from saying the word vag... Anyway now I’m actually feeling a bit lightheaded from the Even More So Than Before heavy bleeding, it probably wasnt a smart idea to test out the sugar thing twice in one day. Now I’m bleeding as much as I usually do on my regular period, which is probably not good cos I’ve already been losing a small amount of blood everyday. Apparantly carrots have a vitamin that helps decrease menstrual bleeding, but its late evening now and all the supermarkets are shut :P SOMEONE BEAM CARROTS INTO MY HOME, AAAAA lol i just need to calm down and get out of this panic attack, its probably just this in combination with the blood loss thats giving me lightheadedness. and then it makes me worry even more about the blood loss and enter an eternal death spiral of anxiety yet again... GAHH I HATE YOU DYSPHORIA DAY I WILL TALK TO THE DOCTOR AND SO HELP ME GOD I REALLY WISH THIS LEADS TO A HYSTERECTOMY seriously lol every time I’m doubting if I’m ‘really trans enough’ i should look back on this conversation where i’m wishing my uterus disease is the worst possible option just so i can get rid of the damn uterus.. ANYWAY BUNNI IS GONNA GO TRY AND CALM DOWN NOW COS I CANT CALL THE DOCTOR TIL TOMORROW ANYWAY

#gahhhh anxiety #anxiety and gross embarassing medical problems #and dysphoria #and apparantly carrots #carrots somehow control your uterus #al these years and ive never known to eat more carrots on the monthly time...

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