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kincringeemporium · 7 years

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"How Do I Stop Being Kin!?”: A Helpful Guide (Long Post)

so... yup. tumblr ate some of my archive, including one of my most important posts: a list of steps on how to distance yourself from the kin community. as there’s no way (that i know of) to get that post back... here’s this!

how to use the guide: all complaints/problems that kin frequently send when they don’t want to be kin anymore? those are in large bold. each complaint has a list of steps on how to solve it; the steps (my responses) are just in the normal font. don’t see what you need? send an ask saying you want to see it in a part 2!

“I don’t want to be kin with (x) anymore!”

okay! this one centers mostly around keeping lists. and as i said to the most recent anon, the first step toward stopping is wanting to stop.

1. get two separate sheets of paper (or start digital documents you can print later). on one, write “(Your Name) List”. on the other, write “(Kintype Name) List.”

2. fill the YN List first. write down every one of your own traits that you can name. they can relate to appearance, gender, hobbies/interests, mental health, neurodiversity, hopes and aspirations, etc. these do not all have to be good things. try to have a 1/3, 1/3, 1/3 balance of good, bad, and neutral traits. (an example of a bad trait/habit is “nail biting”, because that’s harmful. not “brown hair”. if you don’t like your hair color put “brown hair” down as a neutral trait. it’s not bad, you just want a different color.)

3. fill the KN (kintype name) list next. do not use “i”, “we”, “myself”, in this list becase it’s not about you.

• if it’s a fictional character, write down facts relating to the character’s creation. who’s the author/designer/creator? what year was the source released? what type of media is the source -- a fantasy book, a video game, a movie? emphasize that the character is fictional, not real (add ‘in this universe’ if you believe in the multiverse theory) and cannot be reincarnated.

• if it’s an animal, write down all of its behaviors: does it eat meat? what sounds does it make? is it dangerous or not? now, if you believe in reincarnation, it’s way more plausible that animals can be reincarnated and their next lives can be as humans. emphasize that even if you were the animal in a past life, you are a human now -- it is not healthy to think you literally still are the animal and/or to behave like it.

• if it’s a part of nature, like a star or a tree, write down all the facts about it that you know and emphasize that it is not sentient, it doesn’t have a soul, and it cannot make choices or be reincarnated.

keep the lists with you (as a physical copy/paper).

4. tell yourself that it’s okay to like the character, animal, or thing, it’s okay to feel that it represents part of who you are. it’s okay to feel comforted by it when you’ve had a shitty day or you’re in a bad mood. feeling these things does not automatically make you kin. write these down on a small piece of paper and keep the paper with you.

5. even though it is okay to like the character/animal/thing, slowly start avoiding content that includes it. if you are trying to stop being fictionkin, do not watch the source. stay away from fanfic, pictures, etc, that make you have strong emotions about it.

6. if you ever are feeling guilty about something your kintype did (and this applies mostly to villain kin), you are projecting. whether you’re feeling guilty about your own mistakes without realizing, or you want the chance to fix something/apologize, you are projecting. if you are acting out what you really, really want the villain to do -- ie, you relate to them strongly but they’re not repentant and you want them to be... rp. start a roleplay blog, write a redemption au. look back at your lists again.

• if it’s not a villain, but you’re feeling guilty about something bad your kintype did, still do a bit of rp and keep looking back at those lists!

7. whenever you have “kinfeels” or “kin memories”, look at your YN and KN lists. read them to remind yourself that you are not the same person as the character, not the same being as the animal, and not something inanimate.

8. try new things and (now i’m not saying this to be a bitch) go outside. i mean it. vitamin d is good for you. you don’t have to exercise, but if you are able to, go for it. visit the library, the park, a coffee shop, the mall, anywhere. test out new hobbies, like

• writing fiction (could be about the character/animal/thing, if this is how you maintain a connection with it while not identifying as it)

• traditional drawing

• digital drawing

• sewing, knitting, or crochet

• writing movie critiques/analyses

• jewelry making

• making non-kin-related selfcare

• sports

“I want to get out of the community, but I’m not ready to let go of my kintypes!”

so you’re not ready? okay. this is still your first step. you will fuck yourself over badly if you push yourself to 100% stop being kin before you can function without it. this is true in situations like abusive households or trauma: if you pretend that you’re someone else who’s never had to deal with those things, you are using escapism to let off stress and unwind.

1. change your blog theme. i know it sounds dumb and unrelated. however, having a visual change will make you more inclined to change other things -- and it will start to tell other people in the community that you are able to change.

2. update your about, kin page, and byf. take things like “don’t follow if you don’t see me as (kintype)”, “no doubles”, and kin-related discourse out of those pages. anything that typically appears in kin cringe comps? take it out. (look through my blog for example of typical cringe comp material.)

• don’t say “literally me”, “100% me”, “ID” about the kintypes you list.

• instead of having separate sections for “primary”, “secondary”, “tertiary”, things like that... just say “kintypes” once and list them/insert their pictures.

• do NOT link to others’ blogs saying “this person is my (canonmate name)!” or “i found my (important canonmate)!

• whatever your stance on ace discourse... take that out of your pages. i have no idea why, but the kin community is fucking overrun with people thinking that aces/aros aren’t lgbtq+. removing this discourse from your blog will remove you from another common kin community behavior. (it’s totally okay to post ace/aro positivity, but don’t involve yourself in heavy discourse and don’t put “Aces/aros are/aren’t lgbtq!” on your about/kinpage/byf.)

3. if you list kin friends or kin blogs on one of your pages, consider taking out the links and just describing the friends/blogs. this will distance your blog from the network of kin on here.

4. instead of requesting “kintype selfcare/positivity” from those kin resource blogs:

• reblog aesthetics that remind you of the kintypes, but is not labeled as “(kintype) aesthetic”.

• make some aesthetics yourself based on the kintypes. if you’re tagging, then just use general tags (ie, “kin”, “otherkin”, or “fictionkin”), not specifically the character’s name or the type of animal you identify with.

• write positive affirmations for yourself, such as “i got enough sleep so this will be a better day!” or “i didn’t lie in bed all day so i feel motivated!” or “i ate something healthy instead of junk food!”

• if you’re writing affirmations specifically about a kintype, don’t refer to the kintype using “i” or “we”. instead, write “(character) tries their best to fix wrongdoings, so i will too!” or “(character) makes an effort to overcome anxiety, so i’m going to try harder too!” or “(animal) isn’t inherently bad/gross; it’s trying to survive like me!”

• basically, when writing positivity/affirmations, pick a trait that the kintype has that you want to have too. don’t just say “i have this trait because i am (kintype)!”

• sorry not sorry, but the overwhelming majority of the positivity on those blogs is useless. it might make you feel better for a couple minutes, but it’s superficial. even if the person running the blog genuinely wants people to feel better, they are still operating under the obligation to give positivity.

it is not as genuine as it should be. the person doesn’t know who you are, and they might not know a lot about the kintype. the positivity from those blogs is generic, ie, “even if you’ve done some bad things, you’re not a bad person!” You need specifics, which only you can come up with -- because only you know yourself. when something is vague or general, we think deep down that it’s not true. (btw, that’s the same psychology behind the “sounds fake but okay” meme.)

5. if your mutuals get into kin drama, or if you see kin drama on your dash, stay out of it. it does not matter right now if these people are your best friends in the world, because once the drama dies down, your url is still all over those posts. even if the people who started the drama delete the posts, other people have everything saved. the things you said in anger or anxiety or whatever are still on tumblr. and tumblr has an extremely difficult time recognizing that what someone said three months ago doesn’t define what they say now.

6. unfollow people who have ‘typical cringe comp material’ on their pages and/or people who frequently are involved in drama.

• if they have “ask to unfollow” on their pages, unfollow anyway. if they harass you about it, block them (and maybe report for... violating community guidelines. or harassment). DON’T PUT THIS ON YOUR PAGES. EVER. FOLLOWING YOU IS NOT A CHORE. MAKING PEOPLE ASK PERMISSION TO UNFOLLOW YOU CAN CAUSE THEM HUGE AMOUNTS OF ANXIETY. IT’S SHITTY AND ENTITLED. DON’T DO IT.

7. if you’re going to send hate to antis, i can’t stop you, but for fuck’s sake, do that on anon. (”what!?” you say as you read this post. “but don’t antis think anon hate is cowardly!?”) you just don’t want to be known as someone active enough in the community to send off-anon shit.

8. if i have or another anti/cringe blog has screenshotted your post/page, ask for it to be removed. no promises that other blogs will remove your stuff, but here on kce and over at @only-on-tomblr, we will. having your content up on popular cringe blogs can definitely get you recognized among the community, and you don’t want that.

“I don’t want to rely so hard on being kin -- I want kin to be a casual thing!”

1. first off, follow the “i want to get out of the community” list. you don’t have to stop identifying as kin, you just need to distance yourself from that network of over the top, hardcore kin people.

2. recognize that kin is your coping mechanism. it is okay to use escapism (that’s what kin is tbh) to cope. it is okay to step away from reality, unwind, then go back to reality after a few hours of doing kin stuff/rp.

3. recognize that any coping mechanism is going to be harmful when you take it too far. when it goes too far, it becomes an obsession. (because i am sure someone’s going to say this, i’m not dragging special interests. those are not the same as coping mechanisms gone wrong and this post does not relate to special interests.)

4. guess what? you don’t need just one coping mechanism. and because you’re not completely dropping the kintypes, you need to focus your kin-related energy into a creative outlet. what i mean by that is... write about them. draw pictures of them. do commissions, even for people who have the same kintype. not to mention, if you write about/draw them a lot, you are getting so much better at those skills.

5. optional: it would also help to make lists of your traits and the kintypes’ traits, like in the first section of this post.

6. as with the other sections, do not refer to the kintypes as “myself”/”i”.

that’s about it

Other things you can do

• write a brief analysis of an episode, movie, chapter, etc in which the character/kintype appears. what does the person/being do and why? how do their actions result in the episode/chapter/game/movie ending? how do other characters react to it? and how is this different from what you would do, right now, if you were in the same situation? (obviously no one has to see it, so doesn’t matter if it sucks)

• interact with people who have the same kintype so you can become more comfortable with “doubles” and thus be less intense about being kin

• when you’re watching/reading/playing/listening to new media (’source’), and you begin to have “kinfeels” for someone, step back. put the book down. pause the show or podcast. remind yourself that this is fiction. even if the multiverse does exist, your kintype cannot cross between universes and ‘be’ you. you are most likely projecting onto the character or you are inspired to create a similar character/oc.

• aaand.... here it comes... oh god. oh no. limit your time on tumblr. do not spend all day on this forsaken hellsite.

Things to absolutely NOT do

• post anything like “why did the author put me/kintype in a relationship with a girl!? i’m gay!” all that does is imply that you think you have some kind of ownership over someone else’s character. it makes you look like you want everything to go your way -- and not everything can. i am not saying that to be a jerk.

• ask people to unfollow you. as i said before (now, i don’t have anxiety so this isn’t from firsthand experience), do you have any idea how much anxiety that causes people? and how shitty a thing it is to do?

• harass someone over being a double

• tell them to unfollow/stop interacting because they are a double

• compare being kin to being trans or nonbinary. for fuck’s sake. there’s no such thing as a “kingender”.

- even if your kintype was female in ‘your source’, but wasn’t female in canon... that does not mean you are trans and it does not mean the kintype is trans.

- even if you are trans yourself, it has absolutely nothing to do with you identifying as kin. they are not related. you are a trans person who also happens to be kin.

- things like “canidgender: a gender that feels tough and ready to defend, a gender that makes you feel alert, a gender that....” are not real. gender is not an emotion. besides, these descriptions have nothing to do with gender.

• say that you have dysphoria about your kintype. again, if you have dysphoria, it’s because you are transgender/nonbinary. you do not have “species dysphoria” about your astral ears. just because it’s listed on google with a definition does not mean it’s legit.

• use ‘kin pronouns’ like glitch/glitchs/glitchself. ne/nes/neself. star/stars/starself. it/its. the very concept of kin pronouns suggests that gender is automatically tied to kin. it’s not. and you are not an object.

• send people hate or get into discourse about headcanons involving your kintype

• tag art as “me” or “kin” or “id”. even if the artist says it’s okay, avoiding this is another way to distance yourself from a harmful community. if you need/want to keep a tagging system, just tag it with the character’s name or the type of animal.

• tell someone that they are “your (important canonmate).

• especially do not tell someone that your characters dated and that you must begin a romantic relationship because of that!

• insist that someone just has to remember something that you remember! here’s an appropriate exchange on this.

you: “do you remember when our kintypes had that huge fight, then made up and dated for a few months? we drifted apart and stopped dating.”

them: “no... i recall something different.”

you: “oh. well, that’s okay!”

comments i just know i’m going to get (they’re useless. don’t post them and don’t send them to me)

• you’re policing our identities!

•you can’t dictate how we cope!

• you can’t take away our fun!

• how would you know how this stuff works? you’re not kin!

• ableist!

• go do something productive!

• i don’t care. i’m doing these things anyway!

-k

#long post #very long post #not cringe #kin #otherkin #fictionkin #fickin #kin help #kin stuff #antikin #kincringeemporium #kce #refs #resources #guide #resource #mental health #mental help #coping

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shenanigumi · 7 years

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20 Questions Tag Meme

I was tagged by @lanaya-lavellan! Putting it up here first, since this blog was the one that got tagged.

1. How tall are you? 5 feet 4.5 inches at last count.

2. What color and style is your hair? Brown, except it’s the kind of brown that can’t really make up its mind—streaks of lighter and darker, sometimes bits of gold, mostly almost copper. It’s wavy and kinda bushy and falls past my waist at this point, so I should really have my mom trim the ends. It gets in the way all the time, but literally the only thing I know how to “do” with my hair is put it up in a ponytail. A low ponytail. I can’t even do the high ones like Chizuru’s got.

3. What color are your eyes? Boring brown. But I like to think it’s kind of a nice brown. A clear, chocolate brown. Not the dull brown I’ve seen in other people.

4. Do you wear glasses? Yeah, have for the past 15 years. When I was six, my mom took me to the San Jose Opera production of Die Zauberflöte and we found out I couldn’t see the subtitles without binoculars, so we hooked me up with glasses as soon as possible after that. My eyesight has been getting steadily worse ever since. Literally everything farther than 3-4 inches from my eyes is blurry without my glasses.

5. Do you wear braces? *shudders* Please don’t ask about my teeth. I had braces for a year and a half, from sixth to eighth grade. Apart from that, I’ve technically had retainers since second grade, but it’s been literal years since I’ve worn them and now my teeth are subtly starting to shift again so all my suffering may have been for naught ughhhh

6. What is your fashion sense? You say “fashion sense” like I have any kind of sense for fashion. Alas, I do not. Most often it’s a.) 1 of about 5 pairs of almost identical skinny jeans, each of which I wear repeatedly until obviously dirty; b.) whatever t-shirts are clean; c.) an extra layer of some sort if the weather calls for it, typically a zipper hoodie; and d.) boots or sandals. I have exactly one functional belt, and though I own multiple pairs of shoes, I wear exactly one pair of boots and two or three identical pairs of sandals to death. I do adore dresses and skirts, but they’re so much effort I hardly ever get/take the opportunity to wear them.

7. Do you have any siblings? No, thank gods.

8. What kind of student were/are you? The kind that was above average when she was a kid, so she developed expectations of natural aptitude—the kind that panics whenever she gets a C or lower on any given assignment due to a phobia of disappointing her parents—the kind that started struggling to do her assignments because of the weight of her own unrealistically high standards—and the kind that learned to really, genuinely hate school because of it, yet still feels obligated to participate. Don’t even talk to me about school, seriously. I'm strung out so tight I’ll snap if you touch me.

9. What is your favorite subject? I really do hate school. I don’t even like my past Creative Writing classes, for gods’ sakes (blame the teachers I’ve had). I’m okay with my small press editing class because my classmates are chill and one of them legit runs the class, but like, I literally don’t have a favorite subject. Unless you count my independent study on Bakumatsu Japan, because that’s fucking awesome.

10. Favorite TV shows? I don’t watch TV alone, but I’ll watch some things my family puts on, like certain dumb game shows or Project Runway whenever it’s in season. I also sometimes get hooked on Law & Order (especially Criminal Intent), even if I usually can’t watch the first several minutes due to general squeamishness. Oh, and if RWBY counts, I guess I like that too, although my enthusiasm has waned somewhat as the series progresses.

11. Favorite books? Sorry, but for all my love of writing, college has totally ruined my appetite for reading, as well as my ability to read for pleasure. I can’t even remember the last book I read all the way through, let alone ones I actually like. I suppose the longtime favorites that have stood the test of time include The Thirteen Clocks by James Thurber and A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens. I also seem to remember liking the Pippi Longstocking series by Astrid Lindgren.

12. Favorite pastime? Writing, first and foremost (and, more prominently, bouncing ideas around!!); dancing, at least whenever I remember I like it; and playing video games, more for the plot than the experience. Seriously, I am such a casual gamer. I’ll be on the easiest of modes and I’ll still probably have a hard time. That’s a big part of why I like otome… no actual gameplay required…

13. Any regrets? This is depressing enough already, come on! But I don’t really have any long-term crushing regrets, so moving right along…

14. What is your dream job? I'm technically already a writer, since I write constantly, but getting paid for my passions would be awesome. My ultimate goal is to be able to sustain myself just by writing fiction, whether novels or short stories… but in the meantime, I’d love getting a day job as an editor. Frustrating as it usually is, it brings me a strange sort of enjoyment, and I like to think I’m good at it.

15. Do you want to get married? Being only demisexual and grayromantic, I’m not entirely sure marriage and I agree with one another. Besides, marriage is more a side effect than a life goal, wouldn’t you say? Lots of prerequisites, don’t you think? I’ve only checked one box, so… I mean… we’ll see. But if anyone gets me any diamonds, fuck that, I’m saying no till I get a better ring. Amethyst is where it’s at. Nobody gets enslaved and worked to death over amethyst.

16. Do you want kids? How many? In my current state, I absolutely could not handle kids, and it’s difficult for me to think of not being in my current state, so I can’t give a solid answer. See, I feel like in order to truly be said to “want kids”, you have to be okay with all the possibilities. If it were possible for me to have a single blood-related daughter without having sex, artificially inseminating, or being pregnant at all, I might consider it. Maybe. Until then, nahhhhhhhh.

17. How many countries have you visited? Just the one I’m from. Might consider exploring more now that a certain “mangled apricot hellbeast” (to quote someone on Twitter) has been elected president, though. Think some of my family members can hook me up with an Italian citizenship if I ever need to make an escape…

18. What’s the scariest dream you’ve ever had? There was a super-symbolic dream that really upset me (fear, anger, sadness, you name it, I felt it) back in eighth grade, all about how so much sexism and racism in America has been swept under the rug instead of getting fixed, and how the same people have ultimately been in power for centuries. It was really deep and unsettling, and I was only like 13-14 so I didn’t know how to process it. I’m still not totally sure.

19. Do you have any enemies? Nah. There used to be people I hated, and I’m fairly certain people hated me too, but I haven’t had anyone I’d call an enemy since roughly high school. The last person I hated was one of my Creative Writing teachers. I refer to him only as “Professor Jackass”.

20. Do you have a datemate? …Hey, ain’t that a planner? Or are you referring to a significant other? (And if that’s the case, if you marry your datemate, do they have the potential to become a housespouse?! I might even consider getting married now!!) Anyway, I do have a planner, but never learned to use it. I also happen to have a boyfriend of just over two months, and I don’t really know how that happened, or what I should be doing with him, but he somehow manages to make my life brighter—so I hope I can do the same for him, in my own inimitably clumsy way.

Tagging: @doodlethewhiteraven, @sabinasanfanfic, @impracticaldemon, @shell-senji, @kazama-hime, and @queen-mizera if you haven’t gotten this already! But please feel free to NOT do it.

#personal #tag meme

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