#sorry this is a fucking mess but i also dont care
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It’s ungodly hours so time to upload a relationship chart of my SR OCs !
I should probably color it but this took way too long than it should have so I don’t care
#sorry this is a fucking mess but i also dont care#im hungry and i wanna go to sleep#Splatoon 3#salmon run#my oc#happy little workers#munch art#my sketches#relationship chart#ro#yue#nikki#i assume 3-4 different artists made these#mr grizz#mui
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#(( ooc. ))#venting tw#negativity tw#gonna try to do some writing today but motivation is real low.#i guess that's what happens when you get called stupid useless and lazy to your face by someone who then expects you#to bow and scrape and wait on them hand and foot#and also now im expected to pay the electric bill on top of doing all the housework. literally all of it. in a home of 3#fucking adults. and bow im also the one having to handle a lot of maintenance work around the place on top of keeping#it spotless bc no one else 'feels like doing it'#and the whole time i get to be insulted and told that im fat. stupid. lazy. while im cleajing up their messes. and fixing stuff for them.#and doing a bunch of cooking bc they get pissy if i dont also feed them on top of doing literally all the housework. and maintenance work.#and also now being expected to pay half the electric bill. again house of 3 people. and im not even allowed to take a hot shower when i need#to in order to get the pain spikes under control from yknow. flaring up my fibro from overworking myself CLEANING AND TAKING CARE OF THE#DAMN HOUSE FOR THEM#bc it takes too much electricity. the electricity i mostly paid for last month#sorry i needed to get that out#suicide tw#abuse tw#not me debating offing myself bc theres no end in sight and no way out and i cant keep going from one abusive situation to another#and just trying to survive. almost 30 yrs old and ive never once felt safe or at home anywhere ive ever lived. not once. in almost 30#years have i ever felt safe. or like im my own person. or that im valued. or wanted. or listened to. not once in almost 30 years#have i ever felt like im actually loved (wanted) beyond my usefullness.#shit sucks man. anyway sorry for the spam of negativity lately. im not trying to be a downer.#gonna go hang out in my inbox for a while and see if anything pops out that my muses wanna jump on 🤞
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Yaoi has poisoned all of your fucking brains !!
#Yakuza HATEblog#i dont want to hear about the new yakuza trailer where kiryu proposed to soemone he wouldnnever do that thats so scary#also they refered to sayama as the cop lady like please show some respect to her she didnt be annoying for you to forget her#ive become homophobic now because i hated seeing a particular post so much like that will never happen you are crazy#like no this isnt how kzmj can win they have never even once considered a future together because kiryus foreplanning ended when he lost#his brother and majima has spent half her life waiting for saejima to come back like they have more important things to worry about#and kiryu is not able to share his kids with anybody he cant simultaneously raise haruka with someone he has to either be a single dad or an#absent dad no in between and sometimes haruka is left parentless in the middle of that mess but its not kiryus problem hes driving cars amd#beating people up .... well he does care sorry for insinuating he doesnt ... he thinks about his kids every day#but i guarantee you he does not think about majima every day i swear it to you he does not care about her that much !!! i have to forever#stress this doesnt mean that he hates majima but it simply means that shes not his priority AND SHE WILL NEVER BE !!! kiryu will never#risk it all just for a suckle on that majiwilly like he doesnt like her that much ... if kiryu didnt even give majima so much as a phonecall#when he was ignoring her the entirety of y3 AFTER tossing her back to the wolves just so he can play house at okinawa.. hes not going to#suddenly realise that he wants to spend the rest of his life with majima hes going to be pondering how miserable he is while beating the#fuck out of people because sorry i didnt actually pay attention to the gaiden stuff is kiryu a hitman now or some sort of mercenary either#way its so hot that hes paralleled by y0 majima because hes so depressed and wants to kill himself and forced to wear a nice suit and do#things he doesnt want to while being kept on a tight leash like hohooho ... have sex with me ...!!!#im going to kill him myself to put him out of his misery if i have to ... just let kiryu run off to america and join the cia im kidding but#wait i just thought of him actually running off and sayama pulling some strings in the force to keep people from looking for him because#shes like a bigshot cop now ... i think she should be able to cradle him gently and keep him like a show cat#a shivering wet penis in the rain and she takes him in and gives him a loving home ... i feel a little embarrassed talking about hetships#but the concept of kiryu just being in her house and living with her is making me laugh like wow ... hes straight now.... like obviously hes#still not going to be like lets get married 🥰 but sayama would want to... i believe that she could forge their documents so kiryu isnt an#illegal immigrant anymore and she gives him an american name so john yakuza can become real ... its like a fake dating au but they really#arent dating theyre just having sex and acting out scenes from a kdrama but eventually kiryu will have to go back because hes so sad#without his kids and he needs to see them one last time to pass away peacefully. sorry i just remembered how much older kiryu was than#sayama like thats a bit funny ... like i still think kiryu should be into older guys or girls but like we cant always have that happen#like how majimas options for getting fucked by creepy old guys are getting lesser year by year because those old geezers keep dying and hes#old now too ... like theyre so old thats fucked. i know ive been saying how kzmj can never win but i do think majima should breastfeed kiryu
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legitimately what the fuck was that
#ig im dissapointed lmao#sorry most of it i just kind of expected (bram regaining his body and stopping the vampires. fyodor dying bc there isnt really anything els#you can do with him. dazai and chuuya both alive)#mostly i wish aya awakened an ability give her oneee also i want to see how they manifest#idk we'll see soon where this goes ig but 1. i really wish fukuzawa had just died alongside fukuchi and 2. that there would be some calmer#chapters more focused on political repercussions rather than more fighting but the 2 hours later thing isnt really pointing to that huh#ill have to reread this arc at some point bc fukuchis and fyodors plan got so convoluted i was barely following it#and also 1. what abt sigma do they just. leave her there#i mean surely not bc she has info on fyodor but dazai really just did not care#and 2. yeah i wish fukuzawa died but now that he didnt. does he???? just keep the one order#and wheres that fucking page#and whats exactly on it#bc i dont think they can just rewrite anything 1. they dont know how much space is on it and theyll need a lot to fix this mess#2. god knows if they even can do anything or if theres some condition written in already thatd stop them#also asagiri for the love of god get into anticapitalism bc you cant just go into criticing states and military without talking about it#and i still need the hunting dogs dead even if i know its likely not going to happen#but how are you going to go all “absolute power corrupts” and “omg fukuci dont create a military state” and then just leave the super cops#running around and getting redeemed bc “they mean well” yeah they do but it doesnt matter#they are complicit in the state violence THEY ARE state violence#asagiri pls i can show you theory you havent even dreamed of#txt.
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#the thing about being so bad at writing is that when you also do it very irregularly about shit nobody else cares about#you drive yourself into a hole where absolutely nothing motivates you cause nobody misses your fics#also ive been made to feel bad lately about choosing fic writing over drawing so its. been a really fucking bad brain time#idk. i dont feel like a contributing member of the fandom. like it doesnt matter at all what i do i dont provide anything of any value#i hate it here and once again im just. sad and done but im useless with anything so what does it matter and who cares#its so hard to explain. i just dont feel like im doing anything meaningful#and i know thats not an actual indicator of the quality of my work but. try telling my garbage brain these two things arent related lmao#sorry im just. im just useless. i dont just feel that i know i am. with anything i cant do just piling up and the list getting longer i jus#maybe i should finally give up writing too. would make thinking about everything so much easier. nobody would miss it#and nobody can convince me otherwise about that#im gonna go cry in my cocoa now goodbye#night is an absolute mess on main
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i havent made any posts abt it but now that the big part is basically over ive gotta tell you im absolutely fucking fascinated with this whole submarine situation
#i have a lot of thoughts about it but i dont think tumblr is the right place for those right now. im thinking about it a fucking lot though#ah the hubris of man in the face of nature etc etc etc#maybe lets not take tourists into one of the most dangerous unpredictable environments on the fucking planet#especially in experimental non certified equipment#thats all ill say for now#can we pleaseeeee please fucking respect the ocean. can we please stop going to the titanic.#weve gotten what we need from it lets just. let those ppl rest#im having. thoughts. man idk. its insane to me this is literally like. a fucking horror movie#anyway i hope the markiplier iron lung movie doesnt get cancelled bc of this. i rlly wanna see that#also like. obviously the tragedy in the Mediterranean deserves more news and more care than 5 idiot billionaires but .#i am just a 20 something year old on the internet im not responsible for the media cycle#and im also a known avid horror enthusiast especially when it involves the ocean so.#im having a lot of thoughts about bullshit safety measures and the money spent on this fucking mess#and the fact that theyve been searching for days for ppl who were already dead two hours inot the trip. idk.#sorry i just needed an outlet for this bc my dad is insufferable to talk news with
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not now kitten, daddy's on the brink of it
#always arguing with myself wether i should allow myself to be venty here cause i feel like im annoying but also its my home!!!#i should be able to be annoying#but also!!! i annoy myself venting!#AUGH BARK BARK BITE BIUTE[#I HATE FEELING BAD AND BEING AWARE ITS DOESNT MAKE SENSE BUT STILL FEELING BAD WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CANT JUST#FUCKING FEEL OKAY BY JUST USING LOGIC#EXPLODES THE WORLD WITH MY HEAD#God i need to get back on medication#but CHRIST.#its so fucking expensive#and even with brazilian health care its still a mess#like it will take more than a month for me to get started on medication that will fuck me up for a while#and i kinda dont wanna be insane on my first clinic job#BUT I ALREADY FEEL LIKE IT AUGHBDSEFCECUIHAEDDJUHG[#sorry for being depressive *thumbs up* and sorry for apologizing for shit i dont need to apologize#im just so stressed with everythings that im also slightly catatonic about it so yknow#like im leaving home 7:30am and getting back almost 10:00pm#and its all classes and internships and sidehustles#ive never felt so connected to bloody stickmen#its one of those months that logically i know shit will be okay#ijust cant emotionally feel like it#so fucking frusrtrating i want to kill the sun
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wondering if i can make a strict-ruled fanfic site cause im sick of finding proship shit everywhere
anybody know how tf id do that or find someone to code it fer me
#like ao3 is cool and all but holy shit there's so much stuff that's messed up on there#i dont care if u think fiction doesnt affect reality because i personally find everything thats proship gross#so if any proshits see this do not fucking interact ok#i do not care abt ur opinion and u dont care abt mine so#god. i remember the last time i tried to convert a proshipper#it was actually fairly recently since i found out one of my bffsies for years was one#we r no longer friends nor in contact#its unfortunate but also my mental health could not handle being friends with one of those weirdos#weirdos isnt a strong enough word#but u get it right#tw proship mention#sorry for the consistent talk abt proshitters lately folks#this stuff has been gnawing at my mind in the worst ways every time i stumble upon it#apollo woofles
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#omg omg omg a HUGE anon ko-fi payment was sent through at 11:11#i got the ko-fi notif and i thought it was gonna be a 5 dollar donation which is awesome obviously but i went through and it was WAY more#im like so grateful but also a bit sad because i wish i had an offer by now so i wouldnt have to depend on other's kindness & selflessness#this means i will be able to pay rent but ALSO not go into overdraft on utilities#which is amazing fuck but dude im still trying to push down the shame i got from accepting help#i really want this one job ive been trying for but im still so scared it will just fall through my fingers and all my excitement and hope#will be dashed and ill be heartbroken#and i have another interview for another job tmorrow and its gonna be long and grueling and i dont want the job#but i obviously will have to take it if its the only offer i get#my emotions are mess and im rationing my meds its just so dumb#and im so grateful for the help and its so stupid i feel so much shame around it#but im just trying to work through all of it one at a time and still hope that better is coming#i just want a chance to succeed a chance to give myself better#im so grateful people want to take care of me but i wish i could take care of them too ya know#sorry for having a tags breakdown#maybe i need to get outside and deep breathe or some shit#sorry for losing it#im just so grateful#and just really hope this time is coming to an end
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what makes emmanuel's and kesabel's dynamic so heartbreaking is the fact that emmanuel can relate to kesabel. he knew him before the fall. he knows kesabel was a curious angel and he knows of what happened with the human and-- truth be told emmanuel might have done the same thing if he were in that situation. and he knows this. and this reason is the core of why emmanuel will forgive kesabel anything. why he will accept him bloodied at his doorstep because. he just sees the kesabel that used to be, ruined and corrupt by being cast away for falling in love and breaking his responsibility.
#ooc tbt#i woke up emotional and need to tell all yall immediately on my phone#kesabel sometimes ghosts em. doesnt show up for ages. but the thing is he cares for him too in his own fucked up way#and its one of the reason em is kept safe from the fury of hell despite messing with them every so often#kesabel will absolutely murder anyone who turns on emmanuel. if he is stuck in hell he will make it worthwhile.#i was listening to for blue skies and it got me sorry.#also i dont even have my character playlists finished and i would love to do playlists for their dynamics..#mainly em & kesabel and then antoine & anane. damned family.
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new 2d sonic games coming out this fall apperently ?
#not sure how to feel abt it just watched the trailer. im a modern 'classic sonic' hater sorry.#it just doesnt quite capture what i enjoy abt the og games as well as stuff like advance and rush does (well those more take that and build#it up into its own thing (rush especially) but whatever. it still carries on some general things i enjoy about classic sonic design and#all the more recent stuff ive played has not really been my thing. idk what physics engine theyre using but if its the retro engine i will#probably not like it that shit messes with my muscle memory so bad im sorry. i dont like it i wish i did#also the general visual design/art direction just isnt my thing! im not into that kinda stuff ive always disliked it to an extent#ESPECIALLY in 2d it feels very visually overwhelming but that is probably just a me thing.#also idk if the sound design in the trailer reflects what the game is going to sound like but.did not like it . again a personal preference#so i guess im leaning kinda negative overall MAN i hate that . why am i like this lol sorry#i love sonic games i really do but i just Do Not care for the Big Stuff theyve been doing lately it isntreally my thing#the older stuff just plays to my tastes better u_u#also another thing classic sonic gameplay w 3d models has always felt so ? stilted?#rush doesnt count its its own beast. stilted is probbaly The last thing id use to describe its presentation LMAO#but like. all the sonic generations onwards stuff just feels Weird to look at theres no realkick to it. hell i feel like this abt a few#other 2.5d games that are. 2.5d in the visual sense.it just doesnt click right in a lot of cases#so what im syaing is . 3d bad 2d good /JOKE#the multiplayer seems interesting wonder how thats gonna be handled. also im guessing amy plays how she does in origins here#not sure how she plays there but i m glad to actually see her playable in more stuff! i hope her playstyle is similar to her advance 1#gameplay i love that shit so much geneuinely. its a lot of fun to mess around w#i wanna say im sure the game will be fine but also..... its sonic......... theyre always gonna figure out some way to fuck shit up#<- i say that somewhat lovingly but also it is pretty frustrating since most of it does stem from management issues and time crunch. sigh#okay im just rambling abt sonic nonsense now sorry. i try not to get too invested in everything anymore it was really draining when i was#actively trying to keep up w everything but sometimes smthn comes upand my brain goes back into Sonic Mode /silly#inquisitivewaltz.txt#oh god these tags are so long. im so sorry hgfdhsjgfdhs
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one thing about me im gonna watch a movie of some guys driving really fast and/or a bad 70s movie
#all the presidents men is the only one that is neither of those because it is both good and not about guys going fast#rhps and holy grail are both. well i like them theyre both good but also they are bad (affectionate)#bullitt was boring as hell i dont care if its critically acclaimed that shit sucked lol#the rest well what can i say. zoom zoom bitch#sorry for rating psychomania so high but it fundamentally changed me as a child and u know what its fun!#and yes i fucking adore smokey sorry. its fun i enjoyed it. zoom zoom!#film#really really enjoying letterboxd but at some point in the next few days i will stop talking about it so much#its just like oooh new social media to immerse myself in. which is good tbh cause i spent less time on insta and tumblr today#my profile is kind of a mess rn cause im remembering more movies that ive seen and adding them
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sometimes (often) i think about the characters i kin or relate to and then the realization comes in again and again that i need therapy (/lh?)
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#unfortunately i doubt i will ever get therapy bcs i have this. thing. idk. but i believe in myself to just rely on myself?#and yeah i uhh can go on more about that BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT OF THIS sorry i suck at explaining things. anyways#humans. interesting. i am fascinated by humans and myself and i'm tired of typing now GOODBYE anyways xiv music is so fucking good#and also idk how to interact w others sorry ..... i am scared of getting close to people bcs everyone i've grown close to has ended up#leaving me or i mess up! but tbh it's better now i think and also not as bad as i think but sorry i still have bad issues with. that#me saying i don't want to type anymore and then proceed to rapidly type out so many words oopsies#pls just do not PERCEIVE ME !! unless you want to ig but idk why you'd want to do that uhm#yk i like tumblr most out of all social medias bcs it feels like i can... sort of just be my weird self here! and it's not fully nice#and i still have anxiety problems and overthinking problems and whatnot which is evident by my 100+ notifs i havent checked since#christmas but that's not the point (?) idk whats the point honestly uhhhh nvm (??)#OH I LOVE FF SO MUCH tbh it's w/o a doubt still my favorite series ever but drake/nier is also up there for sure#which i think is amazing bcs i have yet to finish a game. and ive only like played idk 5 hours of replicant and automata#and then ive already spoiled myself on important aspects of all games but that helps ngl uh. i could explain but im tired of typing#ANYWAYS GOD actually noehgjbsejhbghjes i really suck w interacting w others i really wish i were better at all that#im not super introverted or shy im just kinda awkward and anxious but im a fun person and all and idk#and tbh its interesting thinking abt my personality... some parts of me havnt changed at all from a bit (/pos) like my lively. aspect of my#personality !! i was a bundle of energy and a little annoying (perhaps unintentionally but now i think its a bit more on purpose lol)#but the only person who really sees my true self is me. and the closest to that is lune. but even i dont know who i really am#and yeah... wnvr im like woa ill make more friends !! and then when i have the opportunities i suddenly dont care anymore IT SUCKS#anyways i think i have Opportunities now again so lets see haha ?? at least uhh in school. its like 2nd sem and i dont rlly have friends#as usual haha that sounds so sad help BUT its not like im disliked im just rlly quiet and shy at school..... throwback to 7th grade tho#that was rlly the worst but also now is just as bad in a diff sense but back then i cldnt talk w my crush at ALL i didnt speak at all im so#sorry about that HELPPP I RLLY JUST CLDNT SPEAK anyways moving on in my class rn i do have a group of sorts. like#we're grpmates wnvr theres grpworks and we can pick which is nice! ive been classmates w em all b4 and theyre the cool kids#but in the more fandom sense and one used to be a close friend of my twin and of mine too by extent and then the other was someone#who knew me when i was more extroverted so yeah uhhh anyways#OKAY ALMOST MAX TAGS im DONE rambling. bye. hopefully. bye. oh god
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I'm winning against the owl
#FINALLY FIGURING OUT PREPOSITIONS sort of#i can and will fuck them up continuously#i will also keep posting abt it because i feel like im talking to a brick wall with all my irls :+1: and i yearn for validation desperately#my coworker had a baby and she is a nice metric whenever my brain starts being a bitch about messing up#146 is a lot of days. but my coworkers baby is 10 months old and has only sort of babbled so hey we're above that at least >:D#(< has MAYBE a toddlers grasp on the language)#there is a channel in our discord for accomplishments and whenever i finish a unit i go in there thinking someone will reply#no one ever has. is it a dick move to start trying to find new friends i dont think so at this point tbh#like i love the ones ive got i care about them immensely its just like. hey guys. sorry i think#< i have mentioned this particular grievance. no one replied to that either. i dont think its a dick move to look for new friends#until then. i have three close friends on and offline. and that owl. who if nothing else consistently gives me two messages a day.
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can i just sleep the next two and a half weeks i dont want to feel things before its london weekend and i can just focus on the positives
#anxiety is so high rn and i dont know why#but its (alongside with the current depressive episodes) affecting me physically and mentally so badly right now#i have everything taken care off i shouldnt need to do more than figure out my cat sitter stuff and check in for my flights#i could just sleep. the world doesnt need me before i can maybe see kip again. please#..also dont even get me on that depressive tangent of potentially not being able to see him cause i cant do that right now#im just so negative and im very aware of it and its eating me up im sorry#just. my brain. it hurts. im so fucking mentally exhausted i cant think#night is an absolute mess on main
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I'm so over people making their problems someone else's problem. Listen buddy, you got issues, you take care of it. Don't make everyone else around you do it. Figure it out cause everyone else has to do that too <3
#ignore me#today has been a shit day and honestly i cant handle people anymore#we're not in the us you can get a diagnosis i do not care how hard it is or how much you struggle with asking for help#i do not care in the slightest. everyone else struggles with something so figure it out#but it is not my job to keep nursing feelies or doing double the work cause you just don't wanna be bothered with it#i hate this kind of thinking#i hate people who dont take responsibility for shit they do#first my dumb job fucks up and i have to wander threee hours in the cold just to find out that the kid isnt even at school#like you couldn have done one fucking phone call??? and then they say I'm so sorry it went like that???? what do you mean??? it didnt go#like that.. this was fully within your control and you fucked up AGAIN at least dont pretend otherwise#then my family as always messes up telling me stuff on time and planning anything in the slightest bit#like i do not give a fuck i gave you a week to figure out an approximate time slot.. i know it might be surprising but i am also a grown up#with responsibilities and i need to know if I'm gonna get home in the evening or not and how much waiting time i have cause then i might be#able to get some stuff done. i explained this a hundred times. i do not care. figure it out. its not my problem and honestly fuck off#if you need help go to the doctor you pay insurance for. it's not my fault you decide not to do anything about your issues#and my boyfriend has not been doing shit this week. i had to do the household alone again.#get a diagnosis or fix your behavior but its been years and I'm over it#we kicked out two people exactly for that kind of behavior and now you do the same???#do i look like your mom?? do you think I'll care??? if i have to keep asking you to do stuff for more than four months and you STILL dont#do them cause apparently you have the attention span of a fish and cant be bothered to put work into it it is not my problem#i dont care. potential adhd or depression are not a free out of jail card. figure it out. i had to do it too#i hate people so much#also what the fuck is wrong with people flirting on the job??? thats unprofessional and i do not care of youre cute. youre working#if i wanted to fucking get hit on i would go to the club or on dating sites not to the fucking bus driver#what the hell is wrong with people today????
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