i need you carnally, oh my fucking god. i need you in my skin, in my fucking ribcage. i need you to take a knife to me and cut me all open. hit me. scream at me. i don't fucking care. you can do whatever you want to me as long as i can call you mine. i need you i need you i need you.

just a lil something i wrote <3

in which orpheus turns // ahana

I want to put more special collars on Techno for whump purposes. Yes, the very symbolism of the collar is already top notch, but why stop there when they can have functionality too.

Shock collar? Collars with enchantments of all kinds? A collar that can get tighter with magic? Or shapeshifter Techno who is forced to remain in a specific form through the use of the collar, especially when that gets to be straining on his body? There's too many possibilities...

Beka, you're an adult, right? Do you have any advice for someone who is almost 30 and still doesn't really know how to adult? Or is it just a shared illusion that all adults have their lives completely figured out (which I kind of hope)? 🤔😅

Me, ticking down the weeks until I turn 39: I am an Adult? Yes. Sure. Mhm.

Lemme let you in on the grand secret of the universe:

No one has any idea what they're doing. No one has their shit together. No one has anything figured out. Even if it looks like we do, it's all a vast illusion propagated by social media standards and idiots with their "aesthetics" and long-standing social expectations that have been passed down through the generations to make you feel like a failure for not fitting in and conforming.

The very idea that someone out there has all of their ducks in a row is complete bullshit since ducks don't just stand there once you get them in a row and life, in general, is constantly changing. There is no way to set up the ducks so that they are perfectly in a line, all the time. It's just ludicrous.

Since I was 19 years old, I have been striving for perfection in adulthood and I have been an eternal failure. Except that in itself is bullshit, because the mere fact that I'm still alive tells me that I'm not a failure.

THERE IS NO PERFECTION. THERE IS NO WAY TO BE AN ADULT. It's all fake. It's all a lie.

If you're alive and breathing and the people that you are charged- whether by choice or fate- to care for are alive and breathing and relatively happy- then you are doing your best and have won.

I cannot find my fucking checkbook and I've been looking for it for the past two weeks and it's just - Gone. Directly resulting in the fact that my 1st quarter property taxes are a week late and I'll probably be charged a fee for that. I also am completely out of prescription refills for every single one of my medications and I can't get myself to any form of medical professional to get new scripts. My bathroom sink has been clogged for two years. Two lightbulbs are out in my kitchen even though there's a box of new lightbulbs under the kitchen sink. I haven't put away my clean laundry in months, I just pull shit out of the dryer or the tote bin I've chucked it into. I forgot to renew the car registration for our cars and we got a huge ticket last month. My son's birthday is Sunday and I can't make myself clean the living room even though we're having family over, and his friends over on Saturday. BUT -- my family is clothed and fed and happy.

Who's to say what adulting is and who can judge us?

IN CONCLUSION:

It's all a lie. There is no perfection. Adulting is just keeping yourself going.

The best advice I can give you is to do your fucking best to make yourself happy and Fuck Everything Else.

Amen.

if you're not going to grab my hair and wrap your thighs around my head while I'm sucking you off then what am I even doing here 🙄🙄

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

tragic I'm not dating anyone I'd be such a good girlfriend

God I hate brats in public transportation who don't know what earphones are

NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOU PLAY AND STOP PLAY AND STOP REWIND AND PLAY AND STOP STUPID TIKTOKS ON THE WAY HOME FROM WORK!

Really upset with Duolingo

Is given an exercise where I'm given three words and have to write a sentence with them. And then after I do that, is told that my sentence was wrong because I was supposed to write a very specific sentence that apparently I was supposed to just fucking know that it had to be that EXACT SENTENCE

and what's insane is that you'd THINK you have some control inside your head, but like! you don't! the stupid disorder rams what you're afraid of into the front of your mind over and over and over and it's like you're under attack from the inside and why can't you shut it off and just stop thinking? who knows! you just can't! your only choices include suffering somehow

And the universe said "I love you"

And the universe said "you have played the game well"

i don't consider myself an optimist. my feelings towards the future are pretty neutral most of the time. doesn't mean i can't see the good in things. yeah, people are dying and the world is on fire, but stars explode all the time and black holes litter our universe. but we don't look up at the night sky and say "that's horrible, i'd never want to go there." we think it's pretty. we named constellations and wrote love letters about the moon and stars and we crave to explore it. things will get better. you will heal. you'll fill your cracks and scratches with gold and one day you'll smile and see the stars in your eyes and everything will be okay. i promise.

I am going to have to disagree with my 16 year old self. My us history teacher had us write a short essay on whether we believed that humans are inherently good or evil (why my history teacher was having us do this I will never know. He's a weird guy). At the time, I took the stance that humans are neither good or evil. That we are born neutral, without any sort of morality, and that morality is imprinted upon us by what we see as we develop.

Obviously, how we are raised impacts how we are as people and our morality.

But

I like to believe that humans are inherently good. That humans by nature want to help others. We are social animals that thrive off of community, after all. Humans wouldn't have survived without what we see as "good," right?

Dark fic! Dark fic! Dark fic! Dark fic!

Global warming is wild isn't it? I mean? Warm and salty raindrops 24/7? specifically in Soho???

(I physically can't draw angst sorry I did my best here)