I HATE BEING SENSITIVE I HATE IT

The Freshman, Book 4, Chapter Four: My Thoughts

So like, why bring luggage in the place if you were just gonna leave the next day? Seriously, save the arm work and just grab a few clothes to wear to bed and then to get dressed in the next morning. I’m either efficient or lazy.

So we’re going to go to a club, and apparently we gotta get there early because it fills up fast. Chris says we just had lunch, but then James explains that it’s in Manhattan, which is two hours away, more with traffic. Which means we gotta go now.

Someone texted James, and he got all frowny-faced. Who is it? Is it Yasmin? Some other chick? MOFO WE JUST BROKE UP LIKE?!?!

It’s his friend Teddy (Let’s have a game on the Teddy Picker) and apparently ol’ boy is trying to make it big in comedy. He invited James to open mic night. Apparently James has to rain check for poor timing. And I’m sitting here like bruh, fuck the club let’s go have a laugh.

I’m up for some comedy. Aww, Chris mentioned Tyler. I miss him! He’s always been a sweetie and a good friend. I wonder how he and Abbie are? Hopefully the exact opposite of Zack and Brandon.

Yay, we’re gonna go see a show! I’d much rather go to stand-up than some stupid club that’ll be jam-packed with too many people.

🎶ON THE ROAD AGAIN!🎶

By the time we get to Soho, it’s late afternoon and walking through the streets. Judging by how Zig and Zack (lmao alliteration buddies) are talking about how casually everyone is dressed, I sense a premium clothing option coming up. Yaaay.

😒🤑😟

So we get to the club and apparently it’s some kind of secret shit because James knocked and then a god damn eye slit opens up. They want a password.

Hello, The Freshman, allow me to introduce you to some bullshit trope we used in Rules of Engagement.

The password is given and literally WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE POINT?!?! WE WEREN’T EVEN GIVEN THE DAMN PASSWORD.

Whatever. Now we’re in the club and Teddy is on stage now. He was kinda hot until I lifted my iPad up a bit and actually looked at him.

Also, I don’t care what your joke is. If it ends with the punchline being ‘floundered’ then your joke isn’t fucking funny. Oh god is this guy gonna flop? Are we gonna have to act like we think he’s hilarious?

Apparently Teddy is actually pretty funny. I’ll believe it when I see it.

This game stresses me out sometimes. So we ditched a club for a comedy show and missed his show? Or did he finish it out and we got to see the rest? I’m lost and a detail-oriented person, Pixelberry.

Yeah, I’m not a fan of yours, Theodore.

So if we’re good friends of James, what is Teddy? Absolutely none of these options, that’s what. Whatever, I’m single so I’ll flirt. He’s *shudders* easy on the eyes.

Yeah, no, I take it back. He’s not hot and he’s damn sure not funny. His jokes are old and stale, and I can’t actually hear his delivery so it’s technically not applicable, but in my head that sucks too. He’s a god damned Amy Schumer.

I like him more when he’s not trying to be funny. We shake hands and then he squeezes into the booth. Together we all watch other stand-up artists perform, and then the emcee asks if anyone else wants to perform.

MC volunteers Zack (heh puns sort of whatever Tyler would appreciate it) who says he’s not that funny. I think he’s pretty humorous. Zig is probably funnier though, tbh. But Vasquez gets top marks.

(“Top marks for not tryin’!”)

Chris is such a Mary Sue, omg. Knock everyone’s socks off? Who says that? Ngl, probably me at some point.

God dammit MC I can’t be funny on command. I’m just a salty bitch. Oh fuck I brought the joke book no. This dumbass thinks a fucking joke book will woo the crowd who came for funny shit, not stupid, unoriginal stuff THAT SOMEBODY ELSE CAME UP WITH AND EVERYONE ELSE KNOWS. I hate my MC.

Ohh, roasting. My area.

I. Love. Zig.

The group is okay with it so we head onto the stage. Thank fuck she’s not gonna read out jokes from the book. I’d have deleted the app, s2g.

Yet implies we’ll be roasting ourselves. Well that’s no fun, having self-awareness. Breaks up her narrative without actually developing the character!

They say intelligent people have a hard time finding love. They say the same thing about assholes.

We’re gonna roast Zig because I’m sure there won’t be any ties to my failed relationship with James because that’d just be too hard.

Someone should pull MC off the stage because this is not funny at all. Ever noticed that when you try to do humor, you aren’t funny? But when you’re not, you can be hilarious?

Jfc so what you’re the Deborah of the group also what happens if you’ve named your MC Deborah? #NotAllDeborahs

I wear low-riding jeans, thank you very much.

Not funny, 0/10, thumbs down, DO. NOT. RECOMMEND.

Zack decides he’ll get on stage and I hope he’s actually funny. I don’t have high hopes. It’ll probably turn into a meltdown about Brandon and the single life.

FUCKING HELL THIS IS A CURSE NOT A GIFT

Sad music and talk about being single already. Fucking A, man. Hopefully it perks up.

No audience would say 'tell me about it’ about this shit, you cannot fucking play me Pixelberry.

I gotta lay off Louis C.K.

Zack has probably from the minute we met him been all about Brandon. What does he actually like? Idfk. Outside of Brandon, who is he? His entire story arc seems to revolve around crushing on Brandon, being in a relationship with him, struggling with long-distance with him, and then finally missing him post-breakup. I’m ready for a change, Zack.

Also, I came for comedy, not for Slam Poetry.

OH MY GOD THIS JUST TURNED INTO ONE OF THOSE OBVS FAKE TUMBLR POSTS WHERE EVERYONE CLAPS AT THE END

I hate this book.

Can it end? Please?

Do I want to go to Club Fuse? No, I want the chapter to end.

Is Teddy seriously trying to give us tips? Or wanting to collaborate? Or an experienced guy wanting to get some tips from two people who don’t know the field? Idk anymore, man. This has turned into some Full House type shit.

MC spots a red pantsuit and lmao Hillary Clinton, 2k16. Kaitlyn is calling us now. Honestly, despite previously not liking her all that much because of Book 3, I’ve cooled off a bit. She’s pretty cool for the most part. And I think this book would be ten times better with her in it full-time. We’ll see what happens when we get to her.

Again, wtf was the point? We got her approval on the outfit that I’m not going to buy, big fucking whoop. No new information was presented. No drama bombs. Absolutely nothing to forward the story in any way. This is all just filler content. This is just a bullshit story for money and not for the sake of telling a god damned story. I’m legit considering not reading this book any longer. But I need diamonds, so I’ll do it anyway. Doesn’t mean I’ll waste my time reviewing it.

We’re sticking to our old clothes.

I’m ready for this chapter to be over. I’m not even trying anymore. Ugh.

We get to the club and flirt with Teddy a bit, he bullshits with Zack. Asks for roasting tips. Hm. I am pretty fucking good at it.

He leaves. Another pointless conversation. MC says he’s into Zack? Good god shoot me. Teddy was screaming 'fuck me MC’ but nooo, we’re gonna turn it on Zack because why the fuck not, not like my MC is single, right?

I hate, hate, hate this book.

It’s great 'cause he’s fucking friendly, idk.

Also, MC, fuck off. He’s heartbroken still about Brandon so stop pushing him to someone else. He needs to fucking heal and he can’t do that by just “moving on” all of a sudden.

Zack says Teddy is into us. Fucking obviously. And of course this moron is gonna say he’s into both. I truly hate my MC. The boys come back with drinks. Fucking give me twenty, I wanna die.

And now we get the 'Zig is bi’ drop which would be fine if we weren’t talking about Teddy who is not fucking hot.

MC wants to go dance. Fall down and get trampled then, bitch. Ugh. I am so salty right now. Sorrynotsorry.

I am not wasting diamonds on Teddy. Let someone else grab him, idgaf. And great, throw Zig at some one-off character instead of me, someone who is single and also the main character.

Zack starts panicking because there are too many people and didn’t he happily go mosh last book? Whatever. I’m happy we’re out because the club wasn’t our scene.

We eat hot dogs for dinner and chill out. We start singing. Someone throw us a dollar or something. Or shoot us. I’m open to all kinds of things.

End chapter. I’ll consider reviewing the next one tomorrow, since I’m a week behind it but also very much hate this book right now.

Cherry walk

Usually i have fun little dreams where my brain does some fun self insertion fan fiction and good time are had by all but this one was kinda fucked up. Even I'm like, "what the fuck brain!" And my brain is like "idfk! Skcnrjxjndkaxjbdievfkd!!!" So this dream had Captain fucking American and Thor god of poptarts and great hair trying to hunt down and stop 'me' who was some super human type with shifting powers. No one knew what my powers where because i had a bunch but my main goal was to get this scientist who successfully cloned things to help me bring back my son. Who had been murdered in WW2, in my arms, while we where gunned down by Nazis. Yes, WW2, my dream self was fighting in WW2 against the Nazis as a spy type but i was eventually captured and with other female spys and prisoners i was forced to go on a "cherry walk",(BTW ive never heard this term before but my dream self knew and so did Cap) In the dream a Cherry walk is being tied to a truck or other mode of transportation and forced to run until you collapsed so you would be too tired to fight off the soldiers when they raped you because Nazis are lazy. To make it more fun for them sometimes the women would be forced to hold a small piece of fruit between their legs and promised to be left untouched if they could hold the fruit. No one could, but they would take bets on who could hold on to it the longest and torment the ones who couldn't saying they wanted to be raped because they dropped the cherry sooner than the others. So after my cherry walks and when they got bored with me i was thrown into one of the camps where some how i still grew a baby inside me. I wanted it to die, i cried and screamed at it wanting it out but when it finally came out, instead of dropping it down an empty well i fell in love with him. I loved my son and protected him the best i could until the day they lined us up to be gunned down, i tried to sheild my toddlers body with my own but the bullets passed through me, and the American soldier trying to add to protecting my boy. I remember death and waking up covered in dirt and blood still holding my child, i was dead, i had died, i remember the bullets ripping through my body but hours later i was up and screaming in a pile of dead bodies with my dead son in my arms. Its was night and the camp empty because the nazis moved on to run from the end of the war. Much of those years where a haze because i wandered around for weeks with my child, and became a ghost to some. I put my babies bones tiny coffin and went on a flying rampage to hunt down Nazis. I was able to smell the blood on them, in a sense i was much like a vampire, but not a traditional vampire. No garlic, or stakes in the heart could stop me. I had a reflection and could move in the sun unhindered. It was just bright AF. So back to modern times, I'm more than a bit crazy because of my obsession with my sons bones, and being killed in so many ways over the years. Kind of takes a toll mentally. Thor and Cap stop me from taking the scientists i need but they cant stop me from taking the things i need but while im hunting down what i need, the grown children and grandchildren of my victims (nazis) hunt me and find my babies coffin. Thor and Cap fight with me and when they take my prize i snarl and walk to the edge of a building and jump falling through a shadow and disappearing. Back in my lair i talk to my sons coffin about how excited i am that i will see him soon but go mad when i find its empty and find a note with a nazi style logo (the kids started their own group to avenge their parents, how cute and ironic) so i kinda go insane and this time come to Thor and Cap trying to ask for help but Thor reacts by attacking swinging his hammer at me because the last time we fought things got really rough. Like half a building falling on us rough, but i catch his hammer. Stopping his swing and snatching it away, he stumbles back in shock and Nat (who was called in) whispers too loud "Oh, shit." Im a bit of a mad mess, rambling in German, French and Spanish, crying and waving around Mjölnir like it was a paper fan. All the while the windows rattle and walls crack, Nat is desperately trying to translate but all she can really get from me is: "THEY took my son, they took his bones, my son, hes gone, he'll be scared, they will hurt him, the children of the fallen have taken my son!" Cap is slowly trying to approach me at this point hes shirtless and kind of still bloody from our last fight (thank you brain 😄) Hes trying to calm me but hes backing me into a corner unknowingly because Thor is also creeping up. I start panicking and screaming, Nat pushes back Thor and is trying to speak to me in German but scream and throw an accusing finger at her half asking half claiming 'Nazi' at her. She spoke Russian at me telling she was a spy long ago, and points to Steve saying American, Captain America. I stop flailing around and clawing at the wall's long enough to ask him why he didnt save us from the camps, (i dont remember the name of the place where this character died) where was he? I sobbed in french telling him about the American who died trying to sheild me and my son and he replies back in French that he was fighting a different side of the war, and was frozen by the time they started shutting down the camps. Thor looks confused but Nat looks impressed with Steve and he sits on the floor with crossed legs and i sit across from him as he calms me down speaking in French. Nat is quietly translating to Thor and the scientist and the scientist looks heart broken suddenly. Steve promises me that they will help me get back my son but asks my to sit while he talks with his team. They go over my potential threat but outside of scaring a bunch of people i didn't hurt anyone and i didnt destroy anything until they showed up. (My dream POV is of them talking and me in the background playing with the hammer getting bored and wandering off) The scientist sadly explains that i might go crazy again because with the age of the bones its unlikely or rather, impossible that he would be able to clone anything because the DNA has to be fresh. He claims that he would feel more comfortable if they befriended me and could keep me calm because my powers are spooky and im unpredictable. Their conversation is interrupted when they hear a man screaming followed by others screaming and the sounds of chaos. They run to the sounds and they find me standing over Bucky as he lay writhing on the floor with blood shooting from his arm stump and me holding whats left of his robot arm. I also have blood dripping from my mouth and i look to Steve and say in an eerily calm voice; "He was broken..." Bucky screams in pain on the floor but no one can move in to help, there seems to be a force feild around us. Steve is desperately trying to get to his friend but its Nat who sees whats actually happening. Bucky is in so much pain because hes regrowing his lost arm. Much like in the birth scene in Hellraiser its piece by piece and not baby arm to adult arm. Steve can only watch horrified as meat attached to bone and new skin grows in. I hold Bucky in my arms singing to him, as this new pink arm twitches and lays limp at his side but soon starts to move at his command. He calms as the pain dies down and Steve and the others are able to move in. Steve is in shock and Bucky is crying with joy as he touches his new arm. Nat looks at me and asks what i am, i say i dont know but i know what she wants to be. Reflexively her hand touches her lower belly for a less then half a second but its enough. So this team of a Russian spy, a super soldier, a super assassin and a god track down nazi descendants to help me get back the bones of my son. They set a trap for me not knowing i wasn't alone to some how take my immortality for themselves and become man kinds better or something, Steves eyes where rolling really hard because he was so sick of this master race crap. Some how these people got it in their head that my sons bones where the source of my power and thought they could control me or steal my power through them. They crushed up his bones into a powder all save for his skull and ingested it. Realizing what they had done i collapsed leaving the rest to fight off these stupid wanna be occultist as i had a melt down. They kept the wanna be nazis away from me until i spoke again "You took my son..." Steve was the first to notice this, the shadows moved out of sync with the people. Bucky looked nervous suddenly and the air became thick and heavy. Time seemed to slow down and my eyes glowed red, my fingers grew out long black claws and i started to look less human. Seems that my transformation was triggered by losing the one part of me that kept me human. My son, dead or not, was my humanity that kept whatever had brought me back from coming out completely. I rose from the ground floating above it roaring out in some unknown voice that i would not spare one drop of blood but also taking their souls as well. The leader of this group panicking grabbed Davids skull (my son) and tried to call power from it or control me with it, trying anything as his followers screamed around him and where pulled into the liquid like blackness that surrounded me like a tentacled monster. Steve and the others where trying to kinda protect the other nazi group members but also mostly trying to stay out of the way. I pulled the leader closer as he clawed terrified at the ground trying to save himself dropping Davids skull on the way and i leaned in super close to him and told him how much he looked like his father, the one who laughed as he gunned down sick and helpless people. This one didnt die laughing but screaming as we did years ago. Nat gets my attention calling out to me, shes holding Davids skull in her arms like you would craddle a child. She speaks calmly to me, saying its over, and David wants to go home. I let out a sad almost laughing sigh and say, he doesnt want anything, hes dead. The air gets less heavy, and i say it again that hes dead and he can never come back. This time Bucky speaks up, saying that i can still love him but i have to let him go and i dont have to be consumed by revenge any more. As they talk me down i lose my demon like appearance and float back down but still look very vampirish. I fall to my knees and cry taking the skull from Nat and she puts her arm around me and Bucky actually moves into the other side putting his new arm around me as well and holding my hand. I just cry. Steve also has the urge to comfort me but holds off and asks Thor if hes ever seen anything like that before. Thor is very silent and shakes his head no, heard stories maybe, but long ago. The dream jumps to us having a funeral for my David and a proper grave. Bucky is holding my right hand, fingers interlaced with mine, and on my left is Steve also holding my but hand palm to palm, Nat is between him and Thor holding both their hands the same way. I say he would like it here. My mannerisms seem more controlled and less manic and crazy as i was before. I say my final goodbye to David and walk away. As we walk in silence for a few minutes Nat smirks says "So Thor, how crazy was it that she stopped your hammer and waved it around like a toy?" She needles Thor leaning into him and wrapping her arm around his. Steve smirks and Bucky looks confused and looks at me wide eyed. Thor replies, "It was a desperate time, obviously Mjölnir was responding to the distress of a mother in need... there is no greater pain than a parent worried for their child." Nat and Bucky nod, saying 'obviously' and Steve offers "Well, a parent in distress would be considered worthy to wield it, to save a child, thats worthy right?" Bucky leans over, holding my hand still "Uh, not to be mean, but you technically arent really human... not any more." I nod in agreement, "Technically, undead. Technically, hes correct. The best kind of correct." Thor still looks unsure but smiles through it while Nat laughs and we all walk arm in arm or hand in hand. Still not sure if i was really a vampire or demon or just some witch thing that drank and ate blood and souls. I know Bucky had my blood and having that bond made him feel close to me because through that exchange he was able to know my life. I tasted his blood to know him when i ripped out the last of the robot arm. Still not sure how that exchange came up. He was in his tube thing, not like he was in the kitchen making a sandwich. "Hey you want to grow back your old arm by consuming my blood?" "Golly! Do i ever!" Pretty sure thats not how it went. My dreams are fun not professionally written.

Complicated

Ugh, time for another Tumblr rant.

So i’m straight and female, and while i’m attracted to men i genuinely don’t like being in relationships. I’ve had enough of them to recognize in myself that it’s simply not for me. I always feel like i OWE the other person my time and effort that i just don’t feel like giving. I was (secretly) in a relationship with someone on dA and i loved him, but i still didn’t like being in a relationship -- EVEN THOUGH WE NEVER EVEN MET OR SAW EACH OTHER. WE VIDEO CHATTED LIKE TWO OR THREE TIMES AND SENT EACH OTHER PICS OF OUR FACES. That was it. Even though we broke up he is my best guy friend on earth and i love him with all my heart and soul, but platonically. The other thing that sucks for me in relationships is i have a condition called vaginismus, where it causes extreme pain and even emotional trauma if i try to insert something into my...parts. TMI sorry but i’m so tired of being ashamed that it exists. Anyway, sex is kind of a major part of relationships -- especially as an adult. I’m a virgin and i don’t expect to die any differently than as a virgin, and i don’t mind that. No one can Pet the Panther like i can, and i don’t crave the love and attention of someone else to do it for me (most of the time, most of the time). But...

In relationships, i never feel like i can fully be myself, like i’m always hiding a part of myself and i can never get comfortable. I need space ALL the time, i’d rather be socializing with friends or working on my fiction and being in love with my fictional characters and THAT is when i’m most happy. In a partnership, i really can’t have/enjoy both, because my attention is always divided and my heart calls harder to fiction. So it’s been a couple of years and i’ve been long aware of how i feel, and why, and am aware of my own needs and how to satisfy them, emotional and otherwise. So here’s my current problem.

At my work, there is a guy just two years older than me that i really like. I think he’s cute, i love his attitude, we both LOVE DC and fiction. When i think about him or see him, sometimes i feel jittery or feel a few butterflies, and i love it, but i hate it, too. Because i can’t be happy in a relationship, i can’t pursue him. It would be cruel to the both of us, but i can’t help feeling this way. I like flirting with him, but honestly i like flirting with everybody (that’s just my personality, i’m kind of a lighthearted butterfly [in other words, not a slut about it]). I want to look good in front of him, i like getting attention from him. I like how every time he sees me he makes a point to call out to me by name really sweetly and say “hi,” and if he has time strut over and talk to me. I like his fluffy hair and tall, skinny ass body. Sometimes i pretend not to notice he’s around JUST because i know that every time he sees me, he’s going to say my name and say hi, ask how it’s going, and possibly approach me all on his own. EVERY TIME. It never fails. He sees me, he addresses me. I’m always collected around him, but it’s hard to hold it down sometimes. I just wanna be like “YOU’RE SO FUCKING CUTE, WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS. WHY ARE YOU NICE TO ME YOU HAVE NO REASON TO TREAT ME SO NICE.” I even observe him with others and try to measure if he’s any more or less giving with them than he is with me, male and female. I don’t know his status. For me it’s almost more like a mind game at work, but there’s still an annoying, nagging longing inside of me that makes it hurt just a liiittle bit. And the more it goes on, the worse it gets.

Sometimes i think about what would happen in some stupid fantasy if we told each other we liked each other. If by some ungodly, unfortunate circumstance he actually did like me and had the courage to tell me, what in the living hell would i say? “Oh my God, you’re so sweet and cute, but i’m too fucked up to be in a relationship” and kill his masculinity, and then he’d probably not talk to me anymore. Yes i thought this to that point, don’t act like you don’t think about weird yet practical shit... Anyway.

I really, truly, honestly feel like he’s a little nicer to me than the others, and sometimes i wonder if he does like me, if not a tiny bit. And as much as i enjoy that, what can i possibly gain from it? I can’t have him, i can’t be with him, i can’t do anything about it, so why does that other part of me want him to like me? For some sort of gratification? If he gets/has a gf, what am i gonna do, be jealous? (Actually maybe i would be relieved if i found that out, idfk). Never in my life has feeling a little attracted to a real life human being made me this mad. But it also makes work more enjoyable because i look forward to seeing him, though it’s usually not for long. Most days i’m lucky to see him dart by with his usual, kind greeting. He’s not the conventional cute guy, he’s so damn geeky but he works it. He’s unique, and i’ve always been drawn to the oddballs. Takes one to know/like one, i guess? Though i’m weird because of my head, lmao.

So...it’s complicated. My hopes are that i don’t feel anything else after this point. I hope it just continues on as a cute little game of cat and mouse, wherein i wait for my unsuspecting eye/emotion candy prey to pitter-patter by and grace my day with his presence before fleeing, leaving the lioness pointlessly hungry for more attention. I guess it’s just woven into our DNA, to seek the adoration of a member of the sex we’re drawn to. Who wouldn’t want to be desirable? The problem with me is, i don’t have anything to give anybody else. I have Asperger’s syndrome, i have so many needs and i fall in love with fictional characters much harder than i fall in love with real people, and i’m aware of that. I’m okay with that, but it definitely comes with its fair share of troubles. Anyway...for his own sake, i hope he just keeps his distance. I hope he doesn’t actually like me, i hope he just pities me and my pitiful pseudo-pirate ass that can only work a three-hour shift because my feet are trash, or because i’m new (and that he never fucking tells me that because if he did i would literally probably quit my job because i cannot stand the idea of being pitied to the point that someone is nice to me). I hope my feelings don’t get any stupider, i have enough issues right now.

If you read this, holy shit bless you, because it’s a novel about a really cruddy problem XD This is easily the least of my problems right now, so let’s hope it stays that way. Also i hope to God he doesn’t use Tumblr/is aware of my blog somehow/EVER READS THIS POST EVER.

101 Thought Provoking Questions

1. Do you like who you are? Yes and no. 2. What would people say about you at your funeral? I'm honestly not sure, that I was a caring person I guess. 3. What would you regret not doing in your life? My dreams 4. What’s the wisest thing you have ever heard someone say? I've heard many wise things.. idk 5. What lessons in life did you learn to hard way? ....Can't say 6. How often do your biggest worries and fears come true? Mmmm, not.... Much..? 7. If you had one year left to live, what would you try to achieve? One year isn't enough.. 8. Do you serve money or does money serve you? What.... Uh, both? 9. Are you afraid of being your true self around others? Why? Yes. Afraid that people can't handle for me for whatever reason and would find me annoying or something. 10. What are you grateful for? Many things... 11. Have you done anything you are proud of lately? Well, I don't like to boast but... I bought a homeless guy some lunch. 12. Have you made any recent acts of kindness? Yes. 13. If you knew that you would die tomorrow, what questions would you ask yourself? Am I worthy of redemption? Was I a good person? Did I try hard enough? 14. If your biggest fears came true, would it matter in five years from now? Probably 15. How would you describe yourself? I'm tired of describing myself but here we go... Contradictory personality. For example, I'm nice and compassionate but I can also be really rude, impatient and critical. Actually, I am pretty rude, snappy and grumpy.... 16. Do you take people’s advice? Hmm sometimes 17. Do you get quickly offended? Depends... But yes. But not by stupid things. 18. Do you consider yourself to be a likable person? Dunno. 19. ‘We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give’ – What does this mean to you? You make a living by how much money you earn, you can achieve if you put in effort... 20. Are you enriching the lives of others? Depends? I mean I hope so. But really idk. 21. Are you living a meaningful life? I want to. 22. What makes a meaningful life? Being good to people, helping, having a purpose, being a somebody. 23. Would you ever give up your life to save another? Yes. 24. How much would you be willing to sacrifice for people in poverty? I don't know. 25. If you could live one day over and over again, what would you choose to do? Really? Idfk 26. Do you think you are important and worthy of affection and love? Well, maybe not 'important' but everyone needs to be loved because it's a fucking basic human requirement you numbskull. 27. What would make you feel more worthy? What do you believe needs to be different about you? Being a better person, being somebody, doing good things 28. What brings you down the most often? Not saying 29. Would you rather work less (and do the things you enjoy) and have less money? Hmmmm.. Well there's not much I enjoy, and the things I enjoy are expensive, so no. 30. Where do you find peace? When I'm relaxing, daydreaming, listening to music. 31. What is the most important quality you look for in another person? Caringness, intelligence, romantic, values and beliefs etc 32. What is your biggest dream in life? I'm not sure anymore. Hmm, live in another country. 33. What is your biggest fear? At the moment I'd say, getting fired, or getting bit by a spider. Oh and, making the wrong friends, people ruining your life. 34. How would the world be different if you had never been born? I'm not sure. 35. What life lessons do you wish you knew 10 years ago? Many... 36. If you could tell your younger self one thing, what would it be? Study other subjects in school. 37. If your life was a movie, what would the title be? 38. If your life was a movie, would you enjoy watching it? Who knows, probably. Because I like people that are like me. I like relatable things. 39. What does success mean to you? Having a good job, have enough money to live, being happy, being a good person. 40. If you could be a different person, who would you be? Hmm, I'm not telling you. 41. What was the best day of your life? Why? I haven't had one of those in years, actually no, I don't know if that's happened yet. 42. What do you look forward to most in life? The world not being so fucked up. World peace. Stability in my personal life. Intimacy. Romance. 43. What bad habits do you want to ditch? Eating from boredom. 44. Who do you look up to and why? Huehuehue, this is personal. 45. Do you know your partners love language? I don't have a partner. 46. Do the people you love most know how much you love them? I hope so. 47. Are you satisfied with the depth of your relationships? Not really, it can go deeper. 48. What do you owe yourself? Dunno. A bailey's I guess. 49. Based on your current day-to-day life, what do you expect to achieve in 5 years from now? Hahaha, probably not much. 50. Do you say ‘yes’ too often when you really want to say ‘no’? Why? Hmm... No. 51. What did you learn yesterday? I forgot. 52. What do you like about yourself? My personality, and I ain't changing it for no one. 53. Would you consider yourself to be a generous person? Yes. 54. Do you really listen when people talk to you? Depends. 55. What is the number one change you need to make in your life this year? More exercise. More driving. 56. How many hours per week do you spend on the internet? Probably almost all of it lol. 57. What are your most common negative thoughts? Are they logical? Don't get me started... 58. Do you think it’s too late to do certain things in your life? Why? Yes, because 25-30 is when you're expected to have EVERYTHING together. 59. If you could be the most influential person in the world, what would you change? That resources are distributed equally. Kids in Africa aren't starving (well, mainly) because they can't grow food, its that the government doesn't spend any money on agriculture or anything. Eliminate all evil people. Well, you know what I mean, like, the illuminati. 60. How much time do you spend with your family and friends? Family, lots, friends, like once or twice a month I guess. 61. Where do you want to be in 5 years from now? A better job and hopefully in my own home. 62. Is your life complicated by unnecessary things? Dunno. 63. How can you simplify your life and focus on the most important things to you? Hmm... No, my life is already simple enough. 64. What stresses you out? Being crazily busy at work. 65. What makes life easier? Technology. 66. How often do you give without expecting anything in return? Majority of the time. 67. What is your greatest challenge? Motivation. 68. What is most important to you in life? Are you giving it the time it deserves? I just want to be loved (romantically). And wish everyone was happy. 69. If you could send a message to the world, what would you say in 30 seconds? Don't believe everything you see, hear and read.. I guess. 70. What do you most regret never telling someone? I think that should be, what do I most regret, telling to someone. 71. When was the last time you tried something new? Depends what your definition of "trying something new" is. 72. Are you afraid to speak your own opinion? Sometimes. I bet I'd lose a lot of friends if I did. (Only because they're those overly politically correct people >_>) 73. Do you give into others too often and feel resentful because of it? Sometimes. Resentful of who though? Myself, yes, and a little bit towards them maybe, but mostly myself. 74. Are you holding onto something that you need to put behind you? Probably 75. How often do you let your fears hold you back? A lot. 76. Do the people in your life bring the best out of you? Well, no I guess, because they don't like my ideas most of the time. 77. How often do you make excuses? Sometimes. 78. What is one mistake that you will never do again? Upsetting the manager? 79. Which is worse, failing or never giving it a shot? Both? But, if you just know something isn't going to work then that's fine I think. So I'd lean more towards failing. 80. What has grown you the most as a person – your challenges and trials or the comfortable yet enjoyable moments in life? Challenges and trials. 81. If you could choose to have no more challenges or obstacles in life, would you? Well, who wouldn't, that would be f-ing awesome. 82. In one word, what is standing between you and your biggest goal? Uncertainty and lack of motivation, my apathetic outlook. Like I just simply don't care, type of outlook. 83. How often do you go to bed feeling angry? Maybe a few times every fortnight. 84. Would it be wrong to steal in order to feed a starving child? Hmmmmmm...... Bit of a grey area. 85. If you paid more attention to the sad things in this world, would you feel more conflicted about it? I already do. 86. If we learn from our failures, then why is it so bad to fail? Because society doesn't value failures, and everyone's been taught to think those people are not worthy. 87. What could you pay more attention to in life? My family? 88. Why do we think of others the most when they’re no longer around? Because you probably feel bad the last thing you said wasn't, "I love you". Or didn't treat them nicely before they passed, or had an argument. 89. What does it look like to make the most of your life? Isn't this similar to a few other questions I've asked previously? ... 90. What have you given up on? Quite a few things... Like, I hardly ever finish anything I start (drawings etc). 91. How many people do you truly love and what are you doing for them? My family. I give them help with things you'd expect a family member to help you with. 92. Do you ask enough questions, or are you happy to settle for what you already know? I'm too curious for my own good. I'd like to know a few more things though. 93. What were you doing when you last lost track of time? Relaxing 94. Do you think you would be happy if you never had to work again? No. Well, depends what the work is. I think I'd be happy if I had less work, not completely eradicating it. 95. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? Maybe like, 19 or something. 96. If you could ask for one wish, what would it be? To meet someone I really want to meet. 97. What inspires you in life? Sometimes other people, sometimes status, most of the time its because I want to create services for people. 98. What can you not live without the most? The internet, water and oxy... Okay. My family. 99. What do you enjoy doing over and over again? Daydreaming, but my daydreaming is hard to explain... Oh, look up maladaptive daydreaming. 100. When did you last laugh so much it hurt? Not recently. 101. What is stopping you from living the life you want to live? Motivation, fear, and impulsivity. But mainly motivated. Oh and the fact that there's already people that are better at what I can do. Its really annoying and disheartening.