me when my brain tells me to not be normal about anything im remotely interested in

One Life To Live

Hi Readers, here’s the latest chapter.   Thanks to Ronja for allowing me to write fanfic of her Hunger Games fanfic “The Chance You Didn’t Take” which you can read on AO3 and FanFiction. Chapter 27 The gates of Victor’s Village looms closer with every step.   I wish I could grab Marcus by the hand and run back into the woods.  To live in the concrete house by the lake, just the two of us, and live on wild greens, berries and katniss roots.   To make love long into the night, and then bring out our sleeping mats as we did last night, to lie beneath clear skies to watch for shooting stars.   Marcus would point out the constellations – big bear, little bear, lynx – and I’d say they look nothing like them, and then we’d take our sleeping mats back into the concrete house to sleep in each other’s arms until the morning light.  And we’d live it over, and over again, so I’d never have to face what lies beyond those gates. It’s not long to the wedding and I dread the thought of it, but I have to go.  If I don’t, there’ll be talk.  Flavius keeps me abreast of all the gossip. The relationship between Peeta and Lace isn’t popular, and this wedding is seen by many as the ultimate betrayal, so invested were people in our romance.  I don’t know if Peeta is aware of it; he seems to live in a fantasy world sometimes. But Lace surely would.   To protect him, I have to appear as if I’m fine with it.  And that means fronting up to the wedding, all smiles and best wishes for the happy couple.  But I’m far from confident that I can pull it off.   And there’s after.  Living across the road from them.  Knowing that Lace occupies his bed every night.  His happiness, her smugness.  The pain of interacting with him.  What are we now, anyway?  Not friends anymore, not really.  Acquaintances?  Fellow veterans?  And they intend having children too.  Five of them. It will likely be straight off, if Peeta has his way.  And when they’re old enough they’ll go to school.  The school I work at.  And be in my classroom.  I’ll never be free of them, even if I do move out of the Village.   Not only would I need to change houses.  I would need to change jobs.  Maybe even change Districts. As we pass through the gates, I can’t help but drag my feet.  Marcus turns his head to peer questioningly at my face.   I pick up my pace to catch up with him.  We’re nearly at my house. “I’m just tired,” I tell him.  “And hungry.” “You’re a woman of immense appetites, Katniss Everdeen,” he says, pulling me towards him to give me a quick, hard kiss.  “And whose fault is that?” I retort.  “If you weren’t so good at cooking and – “ “Fucking?” asks a disembodied voice.   A female shape emerges from the shadows of my porch. It’s Johanna.  She appears to have been waiting for us.   “You’re late,” she accuses.  “You said you’d be back around mid-afternoon.” I scowl at her.  I know what I said, but I don’t like her tone.  I’m not obliged to be back at a certain time to please her. Besides, what’s she even doing here? It’s not like I invited her over and wasn’t here when she arrived.   “We came back a different way.  It took longer,” I say curtly.  That’s all the explanation I want to give, but Marcus, perhaps to diffuse the tension, steps in to give Johanna a brief welcoming hug. “Katniss had something to show me.  Would you believe an oak with a circumference of over 23 feet?  At least three hundred years old.”   “That’s nothing,” says Johanna dismissively. “In 7 we have trees much bigger and older than that.” “Is there anything we can help you with?” I break in.  I’m not in the mood for a contest over which district has the biggest trees.   All I want is to offload this heavy pack, have a bite to eat and then go to bed.   “I need to speak with you.   That’s if you can spare the time,” she replies, her voice edged with sarcasm.  What is her problem?  She hasn’t been this hostile towards me since the Quell.   I turn to Marcus in exasperation.  He takes the hint and moves towards the door.  “Why don’t I see what I can scrounge up for supper? Will you be joining us, Jo?” I can see the struggle in her face.   This is food and Johanna will rarely pass on an invitation.  “No thanks,” she says, and I can see it’s hurting.  “I shouldn’t stay away for too long.” After Marcus closes the door behind him, I hoist my pack from my shoulders and drop it to the floor.  My feet are tired and I sit down on the top step, motioning for Johanna to do the same but she remains standing, arms crossed in front of her.   Before I can even open my mouth, she lets me have it. “Are you with Marcus now?” she demands. “None of –,” I begin, but then think better of it.  I don’t want to add fuel to whatever fire is bugging Johanna.  I start again.  “I don’t know.  Maybe.” And that’s the truth.  I’m not so naïve to believe that a weekend of sex makes us boyfriend and girlfriend.  Nothing’s been said about feelings, or our future. “But you’re fucking him?” Johanna persists.  It’s more a statement than a question. “We’ve had sex, if that’s any of your business,” I say stiffly. “Of course, it’s my business.  It became my business when you involved me in this whole sorry saga with Peeta.”  My irritation with her rises another notch.  It was her idea to get involved, not mine.   “Not that you shouldn’t fuck him,” she continues.  “Peeta’s had his fun, so why can’t you?  Heck, I’d even say fuck the entire district; you don’t owe him anything.   But it doesn’t help, you know.   Not when I’ve been working my arse off to get the two of you back together.  But today I really could have used your help.   With Peeta having flashbacks every five minutes and Haymitch next to useless.   Aurelius says it’s the stress but – “ “Wait!  Slow down.  I can’t make head or tail of what you’re on about.”  I shake my head in confusion.   “What stress? And why isn’t Lace taking care of him? It should be her responsibility, not yours.   I don’t –” “They broke up.” It takes a few seconds to sink in.  And when it does, all I can do is stare at Johanna thunderstruck.  “But why?” I eventually get out.  “Is it because she lied?” Johanna shrugs.  “I asked him that.  He said they both lied.”     She comes to sit down beside me on the porch step, having calmed down a little.  “When he came home last night, he didn’t seem too bad, just really flat, like he had nothing left.  But this morning, he started having those flashbacks he gets where he has to clutch the back of a chair or something.   I went to Haymitch for help but he chose last night, of all nights, to go on a bender. I couldn’t get one sensible word out of him.”   “Sometimes a jug of cold water thrown over him helps,” I say absently, still stunned over the news of Peeta and Lace’s breakup.  Despite myself, a kernel of hope takes root in my heart.  Could the breakup have been over me, even just a little bit?  But then just as quickly, I squash it down flat, stomp it back down into the earth, and bury it deep.  Fool!  When will you learn? My gaze settles on his house across the street, only a very short distance away, and I wish I could be there with him.   I feel bad that I wasn’t, but I know I wouldn’t have been wanted even if I had. He has enough to deal with without adding his current awkwardness with me to the mix.  How can you feel right accepting comfort for heartbreak, when the very person who’s doing the comforting is heartbroken over you?    I’m very grateful that Johanna is taking care of him, but I can’t help feeling jealous too. She gets to be the one to protect him, when it used to be me.   Johanna’s voice snaps me back to attention. “So, I got on the phone to Aurelius and told him what happened.  He said emotional stress exacerbates his condition and to increase his meds.  Which I did, but he still kept on having them. A couple of hours ago I slipped some sleep syrup into his tea, so he could get some rest, and he’s now sleeping it off.  I don’t want to be gone too long on the chance he wakes up.  Although I did give him a big dose.” If it was the same as I gave him in our first Games, he’ll be out until at least noon tomorrow.  “How did you get him to drink it?  He would have noticed the sweetness.  He doesn’t take sugar in his tea.”   “I think he wanted to be knocked out,” says Johanna.  “He was exhausted.” “Do you know who broke it off?” I ask. It seems to me that it must have been Lace since he’s taken it so hard.   “No.  I couldn’t get him to talk much.”  She lets out a breath and shakes her head.  “What a mess! The reception will have to be cancelled, though I doubt he’ll get his money back at such short notice.  And what he’s spent on clothes for himself and the wedding party.” That’s news to me.  Surely Peeta wasn’t paying to outfit the entire wedding party.  Who was to be in it, anyway?  And then it dawns on me.  Of course, friends and family of Lace.   “At least there’s one blessing, Lace’s relatives are still in 8 so he hadn’t yet paid for hotel rooms for them all.  He’d booked the best rooms for them too.”  Johanna rolls her eyes at this.   I narrow mine.  That bitch! And after I had warned her not to encourage Peeta’s extravagant spending on this wedding.   “Do you think he’ll be alright?” I ask.  “He’s already gone through so much.” “Yeah, I think so,” she answers.   “He’s had a lucky escape if you ask me, although it might take a while for him to see it that way.  That relationship always seemed off to me – like they were trying too hard.  I would have given it a year if they’d married.  Eighteen months, tops.” “Maybe,” I say uncommittedly.  I don’t know if I agree.  What I do know is that Peeta would have given it everything he had to make it work.  And if a mutual love of swimming pools and dining out at restaurants is a good foundation for a marriage, then they had it.  They both wanted kids too and that’s something I can’t promise him.  Peeta would be a wonderful father. If anyone is to be a parent, anyone can see it should be Peeta.   “So, is it serious between you and Marcus? Because you might have a shot with Peeta now,” says Johanna. “No!” I burst out, and Johanna’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise at the ferocity of my response.  “I don’t have any chance with Peeta, none at all, so you can give that game up right now.  He knows how I feel about him.  He guessed from something Haymitch told him and he’s been avoiding me since.  And I’m tired, Jo.  Tired of getting my hopes up and then having them dashed.  I’ve spent the past year trying to remind him what we were to each other, and failed.  But the simple truth is that, if he loved me, he wouldn’t have got with Lace in the first place. I’m not . . . I just don’t want to go there anymore.  I’ve had enough. ” “Wow! That was extreme,” Johanna says, shooting me an incredulous look.  “I thought the mission was to help Peeta find himself.  Which would also include regaining his attraction to you.  I assume then that you’ve given up?” “Not given up.  Faced reality.” I say.

“Humph!” snorts Johanna, unconvinced.  “Well, it’s your call but before I let it go for good, I want to tell you a theory I’ve been working on.  Just don’t say anything until I’ve finished.” “Alright, go ahead,” I say wearily, scrubbing at my forehead.  Johanna will do what she wants to anyway. “Well,” she starts, with the air of someone telling a story to a small child, “it involves this man – let’s call him Peeta – who had his mind shattered into a million pieces by an evil troll – we’ll call him Snow – and when his mind was put back together again, some of the pieces were in the wrong place.  And his love for his teenage crush – Katniss, we’ll call her – had gone AWOL and had been replaced with a conviction that she had never loved him, and never could.  And then along comes this other woman – known as Lace, although it’s not her real name – and even though she’s a giggling idiot, she knows how to pander to his ego - which is in the toilet, by the way - with lavish displays of admiration and affection.   “But then one day, he wakes up, and realizes that what he loved about Lace, was really his own needs reflected back at him. And also that she was a lying deceitful bitch.  At the same time, he’s come to realise that it’s Katniss he really loves, but he thinks that not only has he ruined any chance he might have had with her by being with Lace, she’s now with another man, who not only likes the things she likes, but has two legs, no burn scars and isn’t a mental mess.  So, to be fair to Lace, he breaks it off with her, and to be fair to Katniss, he leaves her alone to live her life.  But then, the whole situation becomes too much for him and it brings on flashbacks, one after another, in rapid succession.  It’s fortunate that a loyal, resourceful, amazingly intelligent friend is there to give aid.  She then tries to talk sense into Katniss, which, as usual, is a waste of time.  But she tries anyway, hopeful that one day, something might get through to that brainless head of hers.” “That last part was completely unnecessary,” I say.  There’s no gain in rising to Johanna’s barbs, any more than there is to Max’s teasing. They really are alike.  Maybe that’s why they fight.   As for her theory, it does have some plausibility, but it’s still mostly wild speculation. “Is there something you know that I don’t?” I ask.  “Or did you make that up?” Johanna shrugs.  “I made it up.  But you have to admit it makes sense.” I roll my eyes at her.  “For you, maybe.” We sit in silence for a few moments until Johanna slaps her thighs and gets to her feet.   “I should get going now, just in case.  I don’t want him waking up to an empty house.  Oh, and Katniss, if you’re going to fuck Marcus, you should do something about birth control.  Sex has consequences, you know.” “Yes, I do know that.  My mother is a healer, if you recall.  I know how to take care of myself.”  What I don’t tell her is that in 13, all female military recruits were given five-year contraceptive implants before they were sent into action.  Johanna wouldn’t know this because she failed the final test having succumbed to her phobia of water, a consequence of her torture in the Capitol. Something I’m sure Johanna wouldn’t like to be reminded of.   Before she leaves, she says, “I’ll keep you posted, and I think you should visit once things settle down a bit.  He needs to know he’s not alone.” I nod because it’s easier than arguing.   I’m pretty sure that Peeta won’t want to see me.  It might even bring on another flashback.   I watch Johanna walk over to Peeta’s house and close the door behind her.  And then I open the door of my own house to where Marcus is waiting.  He’s set out a platter of cheeses, pickles, carrot sticks, crackers and fruit.  And some kind of spread that he made from a can of chickpeas he found in the pantry. There’s also a plate of Peeta’s cookies and a pot of tea.   “Peeta again?” asks Marcus.  He pours out two mugs of tea and sets one in front of me. “How did you guess?”  I hope we weren’t speaking so loudly that it could heard from inside the house.  The dining table is not far from a window. My face reddens at the thought, especially since there was talk about Marcus and fucking.   “Because whenever you and Johanna have one of your private talks out there on the porch, it’s about him.  I hope everything’s alright.” He makes a plate of food for himself while he’s speaking, his expression unreadable.  I get the impression that he’s well and truly over Peeta Mellark.   I come straight out with it.  Word is going to get out anyway.   “Peeta and Lace have split up. The wedding’s off. Peeta is . . .” I pause here.  I don’t want to give too much of Peeta’s mental state away.  People, Marcus included, already think he’s unstable.  “Peeta’s very upset about it,” I end up saying. His hands still for a moment, poised as he cuts a slice of cheese to add to his plate.   “That’s . . . unfortunate.  I suppose it had something to do with the incident at the pub last week?” “I’m not sure.  Probably.”  I don’t really know, but Johanna said something about both of them lying, so I think it’s safe to assume.  “Johanna wasn’t very clear about it.” I take a cracker from the platter and nibble on it.  My appetite seems to have dried up for some inexplicable reason.   Something is wrong, and I don’t know what it is.  The air almost crackles with it.   “How do you feel about it?” he asks, eyes intent on mine. I don’t answer immediately, unsure of the motive behind his question.  Is he asking my opinion on the break-up – whether I think it was good thing, or a bad thing?  Or is he asking how it’s affected me emotionally?  I decide the first option is the safer of the two.

“It’s sad.  They seemed very compatible.  But I guess if you don’t have trust in a marriage, then it’s unlikely to work in the long run, so perhaps it’s for the best.”  I shrug my shoulders slightly to simulate indifference and sip my tea. “It’s hard for me to comment exactly, without knowing the details,” I add. “The devil’s in the details,” he says, almost distractedly. “But you’re right about trust.  No relationship can be successful without it.”   And then he returns to his food, and nothing more is said about it.  But something’s not quite right.  The only thing I can attribute it to is the news of Peeta and Lace’s cancelled wedding. Perhaps he thinks our relationship is at risk now, when nothing could be further from the truth.  There’s no chance that Peeta and I will get back together. Lace out of the picture won’t change that.   Later that night, after a quick shower, I pull from my closet a filmy negligee the colour of apricots.  It was part of the wardrobe Cinna designed for my wedding to Peeta.   I never got the chance to wear it, nor the matching nightgown, so light that it’s almost transparent.  I trail the gauzy fabric through my fingers, noting how fragile it is.  It would be so easy to rip from neckline to hem, that it makes me wonder if that’s its intended purpose.  My mind can’t help but imagine how Peeta would have reacted to seeing me in it.  Or how he would react if I showed up at his house right now, with only this sheer, flimsy garment to cover my naked body.  Probably it would send him into a flashback that he’d never come back from. I take a critical look at myself in the full-length mirror.  The soft orange complements my olive skin and my hair, freed from its braid, ripples down my back in silky waves.  My body is slender and small breasted, but still feminine, the waist curved and the hips rounded.  My nipples stand out in hard peaks against the gossamer thin fabric and the dark triangle of my pubic hair is clearly visible.  I turn my back to peer over my shoulder.  My best asset, my “derriere”, as Effie would call it, is high and round.  The burn scars, most prevalent on my back, are barely noticeable now, thanks to the skin treatments, except for a few spots where the skin looks slightly melted.   Not too bad, Everdeen.  Not too bad at all.   My feet are silent on the carpeted floor to the guest room.  I rap lightly on the door and he tells me to come in.    He’s toweling himself dry but he stops the instant he lays eyes on me.  And when the towel drops to the floor, forgotten, I see that I’ve achieved the exact response I was hoping for. The love-making this night is wild and uninhibited.  It dawns on me that Marcus had been holding back, perhaps in deference to my virgin status, but now that’s abandoned.  My theory about the nightgown proves correct.  Marcus rips it right down the middle and then slips it off my shoulders in one movement, taking the robe with it.    I didn’t know that humans could make love like animals, with the male thrusting from behind. I’d always assumed it was face to face like the illustration in the tattered text book we were provided with in the meagre sex education classes at school.  But I love it, so animalistic and exciting, the way he pounds into me, his hands holding my hips firmly in place.  The way I can’t help but arch my back to welcome him in with every thrust.   But after our passion is spent, my thoughts return again to Peeta.  How he’s feeling, how helpless I am to help.    I try hard to recreate the magic of the concrete house by the lake, where I could lie in Marcus’s arms, warm and snug and drift into a dreamless sleep.  Because I know instinctively, that the nightmares will return tonight, as bad as ever.  If only Peeta had never come back to 12.  He would have got the treatment he still desperately needed if he had stayed in the Capitol.  He wouldn’t have met Lace, and she him.  And as for me, I was resigned to the fact that I had lost him and I know now that I would have recovered from my depression eventually.   His return simply sparked a false hope that I’ve been battling ever since. So here I lie, in the arms of a man who is as close to perfect as you can get, and my head is full of Peeta Mellark.

A film fan’s reaction to reading The Lord of the Rings for the first time.

I’ve been a big fan of the Peter Jackson films (extended versions - nerd that I am) since I was about 11 and I think I know all of the big changes made in the adaptation: Arwen, Faramir, Aragorn falling off a cliff. I did read the first book around the same age (in the first of many waves of my lotr obsession) but I only really remembered Saruman of ‘Many Colours’.

However I have always wanted to properly know the book version of the story so finally started listening to an amazing full audio book reading by Steven Red Fox Garnett which I highly recommend:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwLvFU2onc7cPIEBee-_xMw

………………………………………………………………………………….

And here are my silly reactions and occasional analysis of the differences between book and film that I didn’t know about.  

The Fellowship of the Ring part five, one, two, three, four, six

Lothlorien:

I really miss the film Aragorn-Boromir interaction in the aftermath of Gandalf’s death. Where the hobbits are in shock/grief and Aragorn rouses them to go. Boromir says ‘give them a moment for pity’s sake.’ Not only does it immediately set up the unstable power structure of the fellowship without Gandalf, to me it’s one of those really interesting conflicts where both sides are right. And as a leader it would be hard to make the right call. Obviously they can’t stay long, but Aragorn’s coldness isn’t the best for morale. I also like that it is the reverse of what you might initially expect for both characters. Boromir argues for compassion while Aragorn for practicality, and yet it works to add complexity to both. I think Aragorn is probably right, as he usually is, but it’s not like Boromir doesn’t have a point. He actually has more experience with leading large groups in a somewhat kingly manner than Aragorn does, and Aragorn can learn something from that. It can seem like Aragorn is shirking some part of his leadership responsibilities, like an emotional openness, or maybe just communication. It feels like Aragorn is leading in a bit too introverted way at the beginning, or in a way that still shows his reluctance. Anyway it doesn’t have that scene.

What it does have is Boromir being the one who is most reluctant to go into Loth Lorien. He’s like I’ve heard some not so good stories of this place and Aragorn is like well your people have your facts wrong and then is like you’ll only find evil in here if you bring it with you, Aragorn is apparently the king of throwing shade at least.

Haldir! And Sam was the loud breather.

They want to make Gimli wear a blindfold into Lorien but NO ONE ELSE! Racist elves. I mean I know that’s the point but whoa.

Gollum has been following them since like, the Shire, which is a long time to wait. I like the mention of Sting not glowing even though Frodo can hear he is near, nice way to say he’s not an orc, not truly evil. It is one of the few things I really liked in the Hobbit films, the use of this visual symbolism to morally complicate things when you meet him. (Poor orcs it seems you can kill without moral consequences).

Gimli is understandably not ok with the blindfold situation, I support him. Aragorn suggests they should all wear them, I like this, it’s probably the most egalitarian solution they could do, given how much they needed their help. Good Aragorn move. I think message-wise Boromir being the one who is most resistant to Lorien rather than Gimli is better. While there has been some both sideyness in the Elve/Dwarf racism, here at least the fault seems to be more with the elves, which is a more realistic depiction of racism than it being equal fault on both sides. Although perhaps this is better referred to as xenophobia since there isn’t an active exploitation of one race by another here.

Haldir is not a jerk! Or less of one. He doesn’t believe in the blindfold policy but he is still enforcing it so…

Sam says that Lorien is ‘like being inside a song’ I keep saying Sam is musical. ’Frodo puts his hand on a tree and feels the ‘delight of the living tree itself’ rather than thinking about its uses when it’s dead. I’m here for the tree love.

Celeborn is like we shouldn’t have let the dwarf in and then Galadriel is like actually dwarfs are cool! And he’s like yeah you’re right I’m sorry. Galadriel directly calling out anti-dwarfism and then speaking to Gimli in his own tongue gives a stronger reason for him to be enamored by her than basically she was pretty.

I can’t believe I forgot Sam making a poem for Gandalf’s fireworks in the film! Given I’ve been going on about him being a songwriter.

The Mirror of Galadriel:

Frodo sees Gandalf the white aw :’( It gets to me sometimes that Frodo and Sam don’t get to know that Gandalf is alive until the task is done and everyone else (except Boromir) gets to in the second book.

It makes some more sense now as to why Galadriel says she will ‘diminish’ and why the rings tempts her since the one ring dominates the three and with it destroyed their power probably would also.

Galadriel says the ring has a ‘will to dominate’ or something like that, she says Frodo can’t see the three rings through the one because he hasn’t tried, and that if he did it would destroy him. I may not have got that exactly right but it seems like Gandalf et al in Rivendell were saying hobbits can’t use the power of the ring only wizards and elves could. But Galadriel is like no it’s only because you haven’t tried. But also don’t try cause, you know, it’s evil and all (but that goes for everyone).

Sam did you not see the scary immortal lady lit with a power of her own screaming ‘ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR’? No it would not be good for her to take it!

Farewell to Lorien:

Finally the Aragorn doubt that I have been waiting for! Although he’s only really unsure about going to Minas Tirith or not cause Gandalf fell and now he has to take on his role and he’s like well he didn’t tell me what to do so… But still I’ll take Aragorn unsure which way to go and using the river to procrastinate as symbolic of his uncertainty of his own destiny as king, I’ll take it. I am missing another Aragorn-Boromir convo from the film. The one where Boromir is all stressed and kind of tries to confide in Aragorn and ends up goes on about Minas Tirith oh it’s so wonderful oh it’s so beautiful, have you seen it Aragorn? ‘Have you ever been called home?’ and Aragorn is just like yeah I’ve seen it, cool story bro. There’s a 3rd bit of film dialogue before the death scene that I love and I wonder if there’ll be anything like that.

Boromir definitely doesn’t want to talk about his Galadriel vision. But it sure has made him weird.

Why did they guide them out of Lorien only to then stop them and give them gifts? I’m convinced Galadriel wanted to show off her awesome swan boat.

I guess Aragorn’s gift of a personalised scabbard is more meaning full than a random head cutting blade. But I’m still not cool with him already having the sword.

I am surprised at how many of the gifts were different in the film, I think this scene was only in the extended anyway. Sam wanting rope was built up for so long in the book that I was surprised that he got it in addition to his gift. I do like that Sam appreciated the rope though, it was still a nice payoff.

Gimli’s gift is the same though :) I haven’t read the Silmarillion, though I have read that some jerk-elf asked Galadriel for a hair from her head and she said no, and he didn’t get the message until asking another two times. So giving Gimli three hairs (when he only hesitantly asked for one) is a big fuck you to that jerk-elf. In fact Galadriel says that everyone should stop saying that Dwarves can’t be courteous or whatever. Gimli specifically says that it was her calling out Celeborn and defending dwarves that made him like her.

What do you suggest for those who are beginners in astrology? Like how can they improve their learnings more?

Hey there!! 💞💞💞💞 Aaah what a great question!! 💞💞 Thanks so much for asking and giving me opportunity to talk about it!!!! 💞💞This can probably apply to ppl who aren’t beginner-beginner too?? 💞💞It might be good for?? content creators?? as well?? Maybe?? 💞💞

Tips for learning/progressing into astro (maybe??) 🌟

Check the ‘astro asks masterlist’ for stuff on jus… learning astro?? this also for astro, but more/extended??? something you might wanna hear if you’ve been feeling down/demotivated lately or jus need a lil pick me up/kick in the bum – for general stuff, community, things we can do/things we should guard, etc 💞

🚫long post 🚫

Keep an open mind? 💞 It’s easy to get swept up in something/join a set of mentality/believe it’s right because it’s there and people believe it or you have experience™️ that ‘justify’ the thing (‘its what i see so it’s what i believe/know’) Do your research, don’t categorize/group things together, learn to dissect and differentiate. Try not to be prejudice/keep an open heart and mind (it’s not that hard to do, you just gotta ‘check’ yourself for it)  💞💞

What you’re exposed to influences your take on subjects/topics, so be discerning and critical that you aren’t grouping things together or taking it as it is. Learning isn’t just about?? our senses right?? So combine it together (balance it out) and try not to close your opinion/guard yourself up alright (mind v senses v heart v doing stuff v learning things and retaining knowledge)? 💞  

There’ll be interpretation that connects with you and those you just ‘take’ as ‘I don’t get it but it seems right’ – make sure to find out why you don’t get it. It’s a hint that there’s a reasoning/way to explain it that rings closer to you. You might be a person who understands certain things explained a certain way, you might not. 

Figure out a way to resonate with the hypothesis, because then you understand it and you’re on top of how to interpret it. 

If someone proposes a limitation or different interpretation for it, you can adjust and learn how to incorporate it into your understanding better as well (because you get it, you understand it. It’s personal to you now – we have 12 signs in our chart it’s just a matter of connecting that knowledge together and knowing what it means as well) 💞

Find your own way of saying what you mean. Nothing is stagnant as it seems, it’s always like a little buoy in the middle of the sea when it comes to certain subject make sure to express that out and measure where you are on that sea-level as well. 

Support others, or at least try not to be a dick to them over things 💞 This is also in-line with reaching out to others and not trying to go through shit alone 💞 How does this relate to learning astro? We might not think we need people but wow does it help a hell lot (and also we do need people?? that’s a– thing?? astrology vs astronomy)💞

Have a good connective system, mutuals, friends. Be open to people and treat others the way you want to be treated 💞 Have someone to support you, catch you out on your shit or help you re-think/brainstorm the way you handle or react to stuff (buddy-system it if you can) 💞 

Knowing that someone can give you a second glimpse, double-check and wishes well for you/is in your corner helps tremendously even though logically we might not ‘need it’ (if you don’t want a ‘study buddy’ or ‘group study’ then that’s perfectly ok??💞💞 jus make sure you have someone supportive of you and your interests, people who won’t tear you down if you manifest yourself?? 

Reach out to others, it helps. But don’t use them for resource?? that’s just– a shitty thing to do with people if you don’t want to have a genuine interaction with them.💞

You’d be surprised at how many people we might hold dear might tear you down?? Don’t wanna scare you so you can skip if you want. But whether they do it consciously or not, make sure to find and genuinely appreciate the things you’re doing, the way you work/think. 

If you’re the person who others appreciate the way you work/think/what you’re doing— make sure you aren’t tearing others down. This is a thing?? Whether you’re doing it unconsciously or if you start going  ‘maybe I can do this better than them, maybe I can grow/get more appreciated’ — don’t. It’s that kind of egoistical arrogance that’s going to hurt others/your friend. 

You’re not supporting, you’re using them. Even if you think you’re bubbling well on your own/minding your own business (there’s a time/place for that)– it’s still a community of people you’re influencing. 

Try to be socially responsible, it’s not that bad and it is something you’d rather be safe than sorry about y know (being well-informed socially and using that for the better?)💞

Learn how to appreciate and support, how to let people thrive. Learn how to ‘check’ yourself and stop acting out of your own fears/lashing out onto others as well. Most of the time it’s your own experience (or insecurities) that’s making you push others down like that. You’re going to lose more friends and opportunity if you keep doing it– so make sure to get some motivation, some support (if you need that), use your voice in the community well as well. 

Brings us back to the point earlier: treat others the way you treat yourself, if others treat you with appreciation and compliment – give the same energy back?? 💞 Learning astro also depends on the community too right? So how do you want to be treated within the community/how do you treat the community? 

It’s not just knowledge, it’s also self-growth. If we want to have self-love/care/help/growth, we gotta learn how to act harmoniously with others as well. Nothing ‘self’ related is ever truly done with just ourselves, it’s how we invest, how we treat others and how others treat us (keep trying even if you fall, keep trying. We got trump but we’re still trying, right? Stop giving up hope.)  

Learn how to navigate it, instead of trying to fight it (putting the self first or others first//imbalance) Act with consciousness, the more you’re aware of how you behave/react the more you can learn how to be emotionally intelligent and socially active as well 💞

Your best resources are the people around you as well, sometimes it’s not just books or what you read online. How people conduct, react, how they insert themselves into the narrative/your life will influence what you think about them and how they think about you. 

Try to realize that we are bias, because we’re essentially human. Even when we look at things ‘detached from the ego’/well-reasoned we’re still human. No matter how unbiased/knowledgeable we think/know we are, we can’t escape the inevitable nature of our species. So the most we can do is try to keep it together ok and try to be considerate/nice (learn to let others love you/love others, is sometimes harder than learning how to ‘love yourself’)💞

If you’re more of the traditional astrologer type (heavy learning and theory, history, really fun and exciting!) — people are appreciative of things, old or new, it never hurts to keep an open-mind about stuff 💞 

Some might not even realize it’s an option, and while people might be (everyone) ‘well thats our/their fault they should’ve researched’ – it’s good to consider that sometimes our modern day life doesn’t always open certain doors up to us all at the same time (we all learn different things at a different time/place in our lives) – so make room for yourself to be curious and to grow, don’t stay stagnant in what you already know and is trying to ‘perfect’ (bc perfection is always improved, more and more as we gain more time/age/perspective as well)💞  

Theres always room to grow, there’s always room to learn more. But realizing that you’re over-stepping boundaries and making other people uncomfortable with your interpretation is also a thing.It’s?? something we should consider 💞 

Just try to be considerate of others, and be aware of how much you insert/hold yourself back, how you conduct yourself and what your influence does to others as well 💞 Have people you talk to, who can lift you up and encourage you because you deserve it (make sure they’re ok with that too and try not to pile it onto one person ok?) 💞

Don’t stop trying 💞

Low-key that’s kinda like how we behave with politics? Either we ‘dont care either way’ (which is shit for the community/direction we’re going), cares only for the self/personal gain (cough *the 1%* cough), is well-informed and feels shitty about the situation we’re in right now (depressed, suffering, either protesting or lies in bed thinking about giving up) or is just… y know, HOPEFUL but also angry and wanting to be proud of our community and ourselves (prosper/thrive stuff like that) 💞💞

Try to be socially conscious, if you’re down/drained, look out for your happiness/your own health first (pls care for your own health/well-being) 💞 For me, finding a buddy or supportive mutual works. I can’t invest time into everybody but those who I have genuine connections with, I try to keep up as much as tumblr messaging app would tell me I have a notification (it doesn’t sometimes) 💞💞

Tips maybe more specific for beginners/intermediate?? 💞

(might be more relevant? But I’m not sure what type of beginner we are because there’s– a few? But this is the main bulk so maybe give this a read even if you’re not a beginner too) 

Premise: Everything below this is after the assumption that we allread up stuff, study about the subject, research things already and is starting somewhere/in the process of starting (already interested in astro) 

*I wasn’t thinking about complete COMPLETE beginner who mayhaps might’ve just discovered there’s things beyond the sun-sign (for those that are💞: im sorry ;; I think there’s a post for that too somewhere on my blog maybe skdjnk 💞)  

So for those who are beginner astro: Practice 💞Can’t emphasize this enough 💞 We might be self-conscious about our skills, but your biggest critic is yourself and your ego/mood (or lack of it)? 💞Just try practicing it 💞 

Theoretical knowledge might get you somewhere, but we also need to know how to apply them 💞 Try to figure out how to read/interpret as you go 💞Sometimes people are like ‘uh oh, red flag. You can’t just let any lunatics out there.’ So this is out of the assumptions that you’ve been a very very theory based person (read a lot of stuff) but haven’t got the time/energy/motivation to start yet. 

Balance comes from steady progress in both, so if you dove head deep into doing something. Do your research. If you did research, start working. This is a lab exercise and the more you waste time the more you don’t know how to time-manage yourself into doing both (theory and practical). 

We improve when we learn how we work/what we need to work on along the way, but making sure you have substance in both is good for you (so you don’t fuck up the lab exercise and waste your time) 💞

Test yourself and your knowledge? 💞 Find your niche, what you’re interested in 💞 What you might want to figure out or contribute with? 💞 Having a sense of purpose, or having a friend help you check you or hype you up (support you) really helps with motivation 💞 

Dont be afraid to ask for encouragement, don’t be too prideful or overthink it too much, we all need that especially when we’re starting out – it can be lonely on your own and even if you can handle it, try to not put that weight on yourself?💞 

Jus reach out for people who can give you the time/energy, and help support each other up 💞 It’s much better than being by yourself or feeling shitty about what you do alone. Can’t stress this enough, what’s the point of having a community if you’re going to use them for resources but feels so alienated/alone and like things are passing you by (not feeling knowledgeable enough/forgetting stuff because you don’t hold yourself accountable for applying/putting it out there somewhere so you can ‘practice’ it really) 

It also helps with retaining knowledge and intuition, realizing that the things we’re learning are not stagnant and neither should our learning interpretations/methods (we’re all learning as we go so don’t feel bad about contributing or look down on yourself/your knowledge ok?)💞 

You learn more if you follow the guides but use that as a jumping board, things are fluid but there are a few certain rules 💞 Don’t feel intimidated by them, find what interests you and research it because you want to (not because you need to in order to be have ‘complete/fair knowledge’ on the subject) 💞 

Figure out a way that’s uniquely you, that you can find purpose to and explain it in your own way 💞 We’re talking about the same thing, we’re just doing it in a different way/choosing different parts of the same topic to talk about with each other (sharing is caring, but remember to like..diary entry it out? Sometimes if you push something onto others it can be like uuuuuuh?? cause no one really interprets the same way as each other) 💞💞  

Remember that where-ever you are on the spectrum (beginner, intermediate, whatever) it’s not like– a ‘conclusive’ subject. It’s not like we can know all there is to know about something and that’s the be all end all in it. 

That’s why we practice as we go, because we always think: 

‘If I know a little bit more/feel more stable with my knowledge then I can start interpreting’ — there’s no ‘end’ to the knowledge, you keep learning as you go 💞

What matters is you sharpen yourself and narrow it down to what matters to you, that you yourself progress and grow as an astrologer/person 💞Try practicing as you go otherwise you’ll feel self-conscious about yourself/your own ability forever?? 💞💞💞 

Most of the time, we only know what we perceive/interpret 💞While we can look at others and be like ‘wow! fantastic’ at what they do, that doesn’t discredit how you interpret or what you want to talk about💞  

Share, contribute, we’re all talking about the same thing just different parts of it 💞Your voice matters, and what you bring to the table even if you think you’re repetitive or being redundant it matters 💞

No one is essentially the ‘boss’ of a subject 💞We’re so scared of criticism when we first begin, even constructive ones are feared too 💞 

Closing ourselves down emotionally or detaching the ego from your work doesn’t always help (esp in term of compassion/what you want to produce/contribute or help others with) – learning how to be your own cheerleader does (*be aware of your social influence, how you affect others and what you say as well tho!) 💞

Learning how to grow, have a support system, how to accept emotional hurt instead of deny it or glide past it helps 💞 ‘it aint that deep’ but it is personal and healing to some people, it can be an emotional thing 💞 

Don’t dismiss that, learn how to feel comfortable with what you do, check that the way you come across or the way you want the information to contribute is actually having an impact you want 💞

Think of it as growing, editing and manifesting yourself to be the best person? 💞 You’re essentially trying to discover you or have a voice 💞 Whether its in the community or on the subject, learning how you come across on the topic — receiving compliments, criticism– letting it help you and take what you need from it, 💞 Let it help you grow and experience things, discover and learn more about yourself as you do 💞

It’s more than just the subject right? 💞It’s the experience of learning and progressing with your knowledge/ability as well, what it takes to get comfortable/stable enough and to be efficient with it 💞

It’s figuring yourself out 💞 Like learning art, you figure out your own style what you want to do and you have different characteristics from each other 💞 It’s a constant learning progress 💞 So it’s not like, a completely different learning process than art (you can see your progress, no one stays the same when you practice– you’re not the same ‘artist’ or create the same ‘art style’ that you have when you started, with astrology it’s a similar thing– not completely the same but similar)

For beginners, knowing that you yourself is holding you back from doing stuff, starting stuff or criticizing yourself because you’re scared others going to criticize you (and beat down your confidence/happiness/ego) is something we’re going to have to tackle 💞Self-imposed fear, constant watching our back or just being afraid to share (procrastination/putting it off until later) is what’s stopping you the most. 💞 

Do something right now, post something. Even if it’s small. It’s a start and it makes a huge difference (what you envision for yourself, how you want to contribute/manifest, what kind of person you want to be– if you’re more of the type to think about your ‘purpose’ as well)

Getting into the habit of doing something because it feels like a relief, like you’re expressing your own knowledge. Like you have more voice or is just confidence in something. Helps. 💞

Even if no one sees it (which is probably what all beginners are praying for skdjn) even if someone yells at you (fear conjured by our own anxiety and wariness of the cancel culture??) you find your own footing and you know your own path. You figure out what you want to do from there because you know you and you know how to write stuff for yourself, alright? 💞

I think for complete beginners getting over this initial fear is hard, like the hardest thing because we might feel we’re essentially ‘putting ourselves out/up there for criticism’ – it’s easy to be cynical/closed-off, it’s harder to be confident/content with ourselves. Learning how to do this for you, to say it with your own voice. The astro community is vast, if your voice isn’t someone’s cuppa tea then they’ll leave? If they like your opinion/want to hear you clarify more, they’ll ask? 💞 

Treat others the way you want to be treated?? 💞 That’s the best advice I can give you if you don’t want to deal with what you fear?? How you talk about stuff, what you say and what kind of people you’re talking about matters. If you talk more shit than you actually give back, then you’re going to attract more shit to you as well? It’s in how we conduct ourselves and how we figure us out (*for how to help ourselves, sometimes shit happens and sometimes it’s hard to get over a past experience or let prejudice color our lens)   💞

We grow and learn, and sometimes we’re embarrassed by our past behaviors– so make sure you’re looking out for your future self as well 💞

Sometimes our fears and ‘ill do it later’ is bigger than our happiness and actual knowledge. You undermine yourself, and your own mind and paranoia is sometimes your biggest foe 💞 

Who’s the one who double checks everything they write? Who’s the one who doesn’t carelessly make up a post because they don’t like getting backlash? It’s you. You’re your biggest editor but also your biggest push back, learn how to be spontaneous and do things now 💞

Mmmm another thing that might be hard for beginners, but will help them a lot is ‘jumping off’ things (applying knowledge). People like interesting posts right? We like things that are beyond the basics, because we know the basics. That’s the guidelines, and sometimes we look back and see interesting posts there too! 💞

But the point is, you gotta learn how to find your own voice and make posts that personally interests you? 💞 Posts that makes you invested, that makes you feel personal. Posts that gets you to self-express your voice 💞 

Applying knowledge isn’t hard, you can do astro-notes for yourself and that’s a pretty efficient and productive start already? 💞 Finding your own methods or what kind of things you want to talk/post about helps too 💞 

Doing things for yourself generally helps alot because it’s there to add to your own voice, your own observation and knowledge in something beyond just theoretical. It’s also there to share and contribute with others 💞 The more you notice, the more you learn how to apply 💞

More and more, you learn how to grasps not working so point by point (I’m learning this and then I’ll go learn that) but how to weave them together and how they differentiate? 💞 That’s where you wanna be at right? Where you can talk about some astro philosophy and re-work how you think/interpretate/learn stuff and share that with others as well 💞

Anyways, those are just things that might help. To keep in mind? Just do stuff. Like do things. That’s how you find support and learn about yourself. You’re never not going to like ‘you’ when you start doing something (like going to a dance class for the first time, trying out something you like. You might be nervous/hyper-aware but you come out knowing where you stand with the idea of it continuing)– you’re going to look at yourself and want to edit more and more. So make sure you start, so you can actually do something with it too! 💞 

ALSO TO NOTE: Try not to be prejudice. This is an icky subject especially with serious traumas, victims who has their own mind-prison (*is in therapy or need it to help with past experiences) we’re all biased, we said that. For those who are in therapy (experiences that has happened in the past) – work on you, we’re here for you. Take your time, it’s good to even be aware of certain trigger points. Please take care of yourself first 💞

For those who are?? less serious?? honestly it’s jus a fun thing like you can joke but you can also be serious just– if you come to me I’m always gonna be like ‘hey its ok’ and?? jus?? talk about their traits and stuff?? 💞💞

That’s some?? Tips for beginners I think?? 💞💞 I hope it’s useful?? 💞💞💞

Some venting under the cut. sorry it’s so long-winded.

For starters - don’t worry. I’m not angry, or worried, or sad about anything. It’s more complicated than that.

This is going to be difficult to explain but I’ll try my best.

For those who aren’t already aware of this, I have a disorder; I’m Selectively Mute, which is pretty much exactly like what the name implies. 

It’s a social disorder that’s very similar autism in many ways (in fact, some doctors believe it’s on the spectrum while others say they’re mutually exclusive.) It makes it hard for me to cope under certain circumstances, and when it gets bad enough, it prevents me from being able to speak. That isn’t to say that it’s like having laryngitis where no sound comes out when you try, but it makes the task of speaking much more difficult and much more daunting than usual. If I could describe the physical aspects of it, I’d say that my head and throat both become tight and it feels like trying to break down a wall with a hammer when I THINK about saying something.

Anyway, the point is, this makes being independent even more challenging than it otherwise would be. Because I find myself in situations where I’m so uncomfortable that my body just doesn’t know how to respond and the pressure in my head builds up until I have to get away and calm myself.

The littlest things can bring this on: sudden changes in plans, over-tiredness, lack of energy... But certain things take it from bad to worse. Such as: forced social interaction, loud environments, an unfamiliar setting, embarrassment, not being around someone I’m comfortable with, etc.

The thing is, I’ve worked all my life to get better at dealing with this. I know I won’t always be able to stay in when I want to or avoid talking to someone when I don’t feel up to it - so I try my darnedest not to let it control my life. But sometimes it just doesn’t work, and sometimes it’s over the silliest little thing and it makes me feel like a spoiled child getting so upset over something so small.

Like tonight... I won’t go into too many details, but basically I thought I was supposed to be going to eat one place, but I find out last minute that we’re going somewhere else and there’ll be extended family there. And that alone is enough to trigger something small. But it’s made all the worse by the fact that the restaurant my family wants to go to is very loud and dimly lit and just not at all a comfortable setting for me. So after rushing to get ready (since I didn’t know I would need to) I’ve been dreading going for the past hour but I haven’t been able to just speak up and say “I don’t think I’m gonna go this time.”

See that’s the ‘beauty’ of it; people say “you have to tell me if you’re feeling upset” but what they don’t get is that’s the hard part!! You don’t think I want to just open my mouth and tell you what’s wrong? I do! But getting to that point is so much more difficult than you think! I’ll open my mouth to speak and feel the words get stuck in my throat! And when they do finally come out, they’re small and quiet and barely there... 

Thankfully, my mom is very familiar with the signs and...even though I didn’t tell her myself (though I did try), she knew what I was going to say. So I’m staying home and heating up leftovers, which I’m happy with. But I just...I feel so helpless. And I can’t help but feel like I’m disappointing people, making them feel like I don’t want to see them. This is family, I shouldn’t be so intimidated by the idea of talking to them. But right now I can’t even fathom the thought of leaving the house for longer than a few minutes.

I know it’s not my fault. I know I shouldn’t beat myself up. And I firmly believe that God made me this way as a means of preparing me, making me strong enough to face what I need to face. Still, when it happens, I feel so...I don’t know, dysfunctional? 

Like a calculator that can’t multiply. And just freezes instead.

I wish I knew an easier way to overcome this, but all I can do is my best and trust God for the rest...

(I...didn’t intend for that to rhyme lol. It just did)

It’s amelietweek! \o/ Here’s something for the day 4 prompt College/University AU. It also features Estonia as Lithuania’s room mate, and has mentions of Canada (I think Himaruya put Estonia’s ‘human age’ as younger than America, but here he’s older, like Lithuania). Its ~2,400 words and can be read on AO3 here

Somehow Alfred not being there is just as distracting as when he is, but Eduard is oh so fortunately around to inform him why.

---

Seeing as Alfred isn't around, there's really no excuse why Toris isn't getting on with any work. Without the stories about his day or the new people he always seems to be meeting, explanations about whatever new thing he's into that week and just his exuberant presence in general, it's a much quieter and study-friendly Tuesday evening than Toris usually has.

 Yet whenever he tries to focus on the paragraphs before him, the blinking cursor reminding him how unfinished they are, his eyes manage to glance of their own accord back to the clock at the bottom of the screen. He's usually here by now, the thought cycle begins, I wonder what he's up to?

But as the more rational part of his mind points out, there's no real reason for him to be here; just because he usually comes by doesn't mean he has to.

That should be the end of it, but he just cant help but imagine where he is, be it eating with friends or out running or maybe even studying - unlikely, he smiles wryly to himself, remembering how Alfred had proclaimed that he's 'better off' cramming before finals or he'll just forget everything. Toris had questioned if that really was so wise, to which Alfred had stuck out his tongue, making such a silly face that he'd laughed and -

His word count still has not gone up.

With a sigh he leans back and stretches his arms and shoulders, mentally berating himself, just as Eduard comes through the door.

"Hey," he greets, sliding his backpack onto the bed on his side of the room, "that doesn't look so promising." 

"Yeah, I'm not having the most productive time," Toris replies ruefully, trying not to calculate the days and hours until the one of his many deadlines.

"Well don't worry, you'll manage. You always get it done," Eduard reassures him, and he smiles gratefully, at least until he continues, "especially as it seems our resident freshman isn't around for once to distract you."

"Oh, don't be mean," Toris resists the urge to roll his eyes, a vague idea of where Eduard is headed, "he doesn't come here that much."

"If you say so," Eduard says in a tone that clearly doesn't believe him.

"Its only on Tuesdays when he has a late class over here," Toris bites against his better judgement, referring to the computer suite they live near, "and some Wednesdays if he has time to kill before baseball practice...and maybe on Fridays because of that burger stand he likes." (It was, according to Alfred himself, the best he'd had since moving from home).

"Hmm. How convenient."

"Plus he thinks that he can get your help with his coding or whatever it is you computer guys do!"

"He wishes! That was a one time deal and he knows it." Tutting, he boots his computer up (but Toris knows that as much as Eduard grumbles about Alfred, he finds him nice enough or he wouldn't put up with him coming over at all). "No, it's not me he treks over here for."

There's an emphasis there that he can't help himself but address. "I know what you're saying, and stop it. We just get along well, that's all."

"I'm not saying anything."

"You are," he grumbles.

"Well it's not my fault he's got a major crush on you, is it? I'm just pointing out the obvious. Yes, it's obvious," he interrupts before Toris can say otherwise, "and you like him back, or you'd be busy working instead of sat there looking at the time." 

"I wasn't- I was just- reading and planning what to write!" he protests, lying, and wondering not for the first time how Eduard manages to pick up on things he'd really rather he didn't.

"Very convincing," he says dryly.

As if to make a point Toris turns back to his screen, but he's not reading anything at all.

It's not exactly something he's never thought about, but he hadn't realised that it was so obvious. Or maybe Eduard was just too perceptive for his own good - he hoped that was the case.

"I don't think Alfred swings that way anyway," he says after a while, not quite as casually as he intended, but luckily Eduard is rifling through a pile of notes, not seeing his faint blush.

"You'll never know if you don't try," he shrugs, "You should just ask him. If you can get a word in against all the nonsense he chats, anyway."

Alfred did talk a lot, yes, but Toris enjoys it so long as he can keep up with the tangents that he sometimes flies into. And it wasn't all nonsense - if you really listened, there was more to him than just loudness and energy.

This was particularly apparent when they were alone. Then, it wasn't unusual for him to talk in, well how could he put it...just a different kind of way, one that led Toris to discover this more rounded side of him. Not that he meant Alfred was a superficial person or anything - really he was pretty damn genuine to all - but just that being on the go as much as he was, and as breezily as he interacted with so many people, he didn't think many (if any) got to see the depths that he did.

And maybe this wasn't all that unique, because wasn't everyone the same? Not many share their deeper thoughts with everyone in everyday conversation now, do they?

But the fact that Alfred could sit on his bed and come out with all sorts of things to him, made him feel kind of special. He'd learnt for example that Alfred jokes to people about math being the end of him, but he doesn't like admitting he'd been close to not making it to college at all until he'd taken extra tutoring; he knows that Alfred has a twin brother who he has little in common with but still 'actually kind of misses', and wishes they were closer; he knows as well that he's got some sort of hang-up about missing out on things and that's why he likes to get involved in so much. 

If Toris is a bit like his confidant then he's fine with being there for him, and it doesn't mean Alfred likes him, just that they feel comfortable around each other. That's what he gets most from Alfred, he suspects; a lingering feeling of lightness, his fun and carefree manner a refreshing break from himself and the stresses he gets himself tangled up in.

Does that mean he wants more than just, hanging out though? The idea of going there, closing that distance between them when they're sat together, is far (far) from unappealing, but feelings get so messy, and...well, he should be focusing on the reason why he's here in the first place. To study, and the grades sure aren't going to achieve themselves.

 ---

 Its just as he's about to pull on his pyjamas, having managed a to-do list for tomorrow's study if not ticked any more off that night, that his phone buzzes, twice in quick succession.

There aren't that many people who message him, and sure enough its the culprit of his earlier distraction.

Hey im so sorry i didnt come over today!! blame my mom, she said she had important news and to skype her ASAP so i ran back and all it was is that shes selling the house!!

-

which is still important lol but i was freaking out so much thinking it was something bad! sorry

He can feel a smile creeping onto his face before he's even halfway through reading, so very much like Alfred it is to sound lively even in text. The fact that he's being thought about too may have contributed to that smile, but he means it when he replies,

You dont have to apologize! You can't ignore moms when they say its important haha. That sounds exciting!

He's barely set the phone down when it buzzes again, but this time its a call - for some reason, this makes him nervous, but before he can over-think he hits answer, grabs his key and slips out of the room so Eduard can't eavesdrop when he comes out the shower.

"Hello?"

"Hey, its me, can you talk?"

"Yeah," he says and pads past other rooms along the hall to sit out on the top step of the flight of stairs. "How are you?"

"I'm good, now!" America chirps down the phone, "Can you believe it though? She could've phrased it in a much better way, she had me so worried!"

"That's true!" Though he could also imagine Alfred doing the same, impulsively sending a message before thinking it through, "Its really fine though!"

"Yeah? You didn't miss me too much?"  

Obviously Toris can't see his face, but he can picture the cheesy and slightly cocky grin all the same.

"Not much," he teases, "I have Ed for company, after all."

"Pssh, I'm much better company than he is! That guy still won't help me with my paper," he grumbles, to which Toris chuckles.

"So you're moving home then?"

"Oh yeah - well to be honest its not even a shock, before we even went to college Mom was making plans to downsize. Just means there wont be as much space to move back so no pressure for finding a job at the end, right!" He laughs loud, in somewhat contradiction to what he's just said, and Toris hopes Alfred's room mate is out or at least not trying to sleep.

"You've got a couple of years to think about that yet," he says, "there'll be room for you to stay for vacations still, right?"

"Yeah, better be. Me and Matt have already said there has to be unless she wants us fighting over who's gonna sleep on the floor!"

"You spoke to him too?"

"Mm!" he imagines Alfred is nodding, "Actually I've been on skype to him most of the night. Its been a while since we talked, you know?"

"Yeah. How is he?"

"Really good! Buried in books he says, but doing okay. He's found a group of hockey nerds so he's been getting crazy with them 'til now I'm sure."

Toris thinks he means this in an affectionate way, considering how he says that he misses the guy, but his flip-flopping in how kindly he describes his brother isn't all that new a phenomenon.

"I think college is suiting him good. I tried to ask about all the girls in those pictures with him on Facebook and he went all red and told me to mind my own business! So he must be doing well, right!" he laughs again and Toris can’t help but smile too.

"You'll have to get some of his secrets," he teases, expecting Alfred to take it in his stride. 

"Yeah, maybe," he sighs, and there's a pause; not sad, just there, and for a second Toris remembers his earlier conversation with Eduard, and whether Alfred likes...

He decides against going there now.

"It's nice you're catching up."

"Yeah. I told him he should visit sometime soon. Hopefully he won't be too mad that not many people know I have a twin, ha ha...but you two would get along well I think."

"Oh yeah?"

"Uh-huh, you're both kinda quiet. And you put up with me! Actually, Matt said that-" 

He waits for the rest, but instead he gets, "actually, nevermind. How was your day?" 

"Um, it was fine but hey I'm curious now!" Toris answered, unsure as to what it could be. 

"Nah, it's nothing. I'll tell you next time I see you. I have to go to a group project before practice tomorrow but hopefully soon?"

"Yeah, sure," Toris replies, "I don't go far!" (which except from the library, was sadly true).

"Cool. Ok, well, goodnight!"

"Night Alfred," he says, and waits for him to hang up. After a few seconds he does, but something about the abrupt end and change of track is nagging at him. It's uncharacteristic of Alfred to be hesitant, but of course he's fully entitled to his privacy. He'll just have to wait and see if he does elaborate later.

He's about to get up when his phone vibrates again, making him jump.

"Hello?"

"Ok so I'm sorry if this weird but basically he said I talked about you so much he couldn't wait to meet you and he was glad that I'd found someone, and I was like what are you talking about and he was like - okay you don't need all of that, and um, do you know what I'm getting at here?"

He talks so fast it takes Toris' mind takes a while to catch up with his ears, and a few moments on top of that to fully process just what he's said.

"I, think I might," he says slowly, butterflies in his stomach.

"Do I? Come across like, I you know... like you."

He wonders what the best answer would be, and truth be told doesn't really know.

"I think only you can answer that," he says softly, and wishes he was there with Alfred now, to reassure the likely puzzled frown furrowed on his face. "For the record though, its not weird."

"It's not?"

"No, it's - it's fine. It's more than fine, actually," and he waits with bated breath for a response.

"Cool," Alfred says, which may not sound like much but he knows, he can just tell, that means he’s happy.

"Listen-," he starts at the same time as Alfred says "So-"; they laugh, nervously but happily, and he lets Alfred continue.

"I've got some stuff to figure out, about this," he says, "but I think you can help. Are you free on Friday?"

"Yes."

"Do you wanna go for a drink? Like, a proper drink. A date drink."

"That would be great," he says, beaming, and he really means it.

 ---

The next morning as he's about to head to the library, Eduard says, "I  don't want to say I told you so, but, I told you so."

"What do you mean?" Toris says as innocently as possible, feigning ignorance.

"Funnily enough, given your denial, something's happened between you and him."

Toris exhales into an exasperated laugh. "I haven't even said anything! How can you possibly know?!"

"You've practically been smiling ever since you woke up."

And throughout the day, whenever he thinks about Friday, it's hard to stop.

Why I’m fucked up [part 1]

REBLOG WITH YOUR OWN ‘WHY I’M FUCKED UP’

YES THIS IS ME OVERSHARING

There’ll be 3 parts I think;

1) I always feel stupid

2) I always feel ugly

3) I always feel unwanted

So;

1) Me feeling stupid. In primary school I was bullied, nothing big, a beating here and there but mostly just threats and repeated public humiliation. This made me hate everything to do with school and I don’t think I ever studied for a single test, however it was a rich afrikaans school, and this is an incredibly important point, being in a good school makes it hard to do badly. So even though I did terribly in comparison to my classmates, compared to most people from worse schools I did great. That obviously didn’t matter and I was constantly laughed at for my marks. 

Then I decided to change environment to an artschool, started acting classes a week before the audition, and I got in. This school used to accept 10% of applicants based on their audition and every other person in my class had been acting for years and had usually starred in at least one piece of commercial media - I was totally out of my depth and had a lot to catch up, and was again, continually humiliated for my inability to just know what to do. But by the end of the four years I kind of knew what I was doing and it was acknowledged, but by then I’d had years of insecurity buidling up. 

Now this school was amazing for the arts, heck even Charlize Theron went there, but in every other aspect it was truly horrible, with teachers blatantly lying to students. For maths, I could count the number of problems we did in a year on one hand. I was best friends with someone who worked 8 hours every day, so they did well, but from primary school - [and an initial month or so in the begining of high school where no teacher would translate single words in test questions/content because I was learning the language] - I knew that I was too stupid to ever reach that point. So they too humiliated me nearly every day, sometimes with a bit of a crowd, for how stupid I was. In grades 10 and 11 my maths teacher called me in at least once a week to tell me that I really don’t have enough intelligence for pure mathematics, and I should rather do mathematical literacy.

But I wanted to become immortal, to get to a point where I was better than I am now, and to do that I’d have to do biology, at a good uni, so I needed maths, and in matric my dad finally convinced me to do some work and I ended up getting the second best marks in my class, with my best friend [whom I was obviously inferior to] got the best marks of anyone in years. 

So I got into a good uni for science. But I wanted to prove to everyone for once and for all that I wasn’t an idiot, so though I did biology I also did pure physics and pure maths. And here’s a part to understand, for the past five years I’d been taught crap for maths. And doing maths trains your brain to do maths, it trains you to think in a certain way, and not only was I in class with people that had come from schools that had reputations and were significantly better than mine. And not only that, but the vast, vast majority of them had taken subjects in high school that I had never heard of, ones that had covered essentially the entire first year of mathematics. Throughout this year I was repeatedly laughed at and called an idiot. And even my closest friends would make jokes, for years afterwards, about my stupidity, the only comfort for 3 years being from my best friend [and fp for those that understand bpd] ; “It’s not your fault you made friends with clever people”. 

In second year I decided to do physics instead of biology, but at that point the people in my class had again, done applied mathematics in first year, something that was not required but was assumed knowledge for physics, and again, I cannot emphasis enough, it trains their brains to solve that kind of problem, and be more malleable to learn solve those kinds of problems. Objectively at this point I was years and years behind everyone else. It was during this time that my best friend again made a joke that for some reason goes in the book of things that people have said that completely change the way I see the world, myself and the way I act - it was that moment that I was finally convinced that, yes, after almost 14 years of being told I was stupid on a near daily basis, that I was in fact stupid. Even before this, the opinions of people outside my field didn’t matter to me because all my degree was was a mask to hide my stupidity, and I knew fully that any of them could do everything a million times better. 

I have tried to fix this, but it’s impossible, I’m to this day seen to be the stupidest person in my friend group, most recently we were at a restaurant and someone made a comment of “who would be the most likely to invent teleportation” and everyone pointed at my best friend, [except said best friend who pointed at me, n’caaw]. Someone said “But [referring to me] has a degree in physics” To which the response obviously is “But [best friend] has the brain for it”. 

And my favorite thing is to hear people say “You shouldn’t care about what people think” when they’ve been showered with affirmation for years. The best I’ve gotten is my room mate saying “No, you’re not stupid”, in the same way you would tell a dog “Oh you’re a good boy” and my best friend [only in the past year and a bit] saying “I think you’re smart”. And my parents, and I can’t deny the solid base they gave me, but a solid base can only take you that far.

My second favourite thing to hear is, upon asking for help [which takes nth level courage btw] “I don’t know any better than you” when they’ve literally already made the most perfect decisions or answers for that exact question and you’re entirely lost cause you don’t have 4+ years of direct experience in that field/thing because this is the first time in your life you’re seeing it. 

And logically I can see why I feel the way I do. The moment I get good at something I drop it to throw myself into a field that I know nothing about. At the end of high school I auditioned for the new york film academy, and at the time they had no bursaries for South African kids, but they wanted me so badly they sent a million letters to a million sponsors to try get my tuition paid for, but my audition had been live and no bursary came. At the end of my physics degree I went to one of the professors that I thought wasn’t too horrible, and I pitched an idea to him about how to model the fundamental forces in a more unified manner, to which the response was ‘It sounds amazing and innovative, but I simply don’t know enough to be able to tell you anything more’, and had to send me to an expert in the field, who liked the idea enough to want to make me do a project that would lead into it for a masters project, unfortunately I couldn’t. Or my current supervisor, upon hearing my ideas on the possibilities of time travel offered to write me a recommendation letter to the most prestigious theoretical physics institute in the world.

But instead of pursuing any of that I’m throwing myself into software engineering, again, a field I know nothing about, where I will be laughed at and humiliated for not knowing.

And what’s shattering about it all is the way it changes the way I interact. Earlier this year a friend said “I’m going to see a Wagner opera - you’ve probably never heard of him” and instead of replying “No, actually I know Wagner’s work pretty intimately, I can’t agree with the directing style he pioneered, nor his style, however his concept of the ubermensch really inspired me for a while”, I said “yeah, I don’t know much. I think I might have heard his name before” Because, lets be real, they almost definitely know so much more than me. 

Or last year I was on set with friends and someone was constructing a grid and they simply wanted to know that if they had [say] 20 tiles and the grid had to be 4 tiles wide, how many layers deep the grid would be. They were 100% in arts and honestly didn’t know how to do it, and in front of a small group of people they asked me, as they knew I was a final year astrophysics - physics major. But in that moment I was too insecure to be able to lift my voice to divide 20 by 4. So I rather said “No, ask [this friend] they know better”

I’m terrified of giving my opinion because I know chances are that it’s wrong, because I’m stupid, and the person I’m telling will know better, and they will see my mistake, and they will make fun of me. AND  when I do gain the confidence to give my opinion, usually only to the people very closest to me, they will stop listening to me halfway through my sentence, and I would end it with “Oh, you’re right, no one cares”, and not a single person has ever noticed. Most notably [because I suffer from jealousy when it comes to this person] was when me and my best friend were out, but she was talking to this guy on her phone [someone I’m jealous of for the attention she gives him - I’ll get to his in the ‘unwanted’ section], and eventually she clearly felt bad for straight up ignoring me [lol this is actually seen as abuse towards people with bpd] she said that they were talking about the ethics of supporting a politician who’s personal life contradicts his policy - and, other than being totally jealous of the ability to have such a conversation - she asked for my opinion. So I gave my first point of his policy affecting more people than his personal life so I’d vote for them, to which she responded that ‘he can’t be trusted to stick to his policy if he doesn’t believe in it’. I was a full sentence into my reply when she looked down at her phone and started to message him, and it was just, once again, such a thorough “Lol your opinion doesn’t matter cause you’re stupid and who cares, but his on the other hand” As a safety check I again ended with “Oh yeah you don’t care” with no response. And this also, not from her spesifically, happens about once a week, perhaps once every two weeks, but if we’re going with this week I think we’re going on 3 already and it’s monday.

So, my final note is, why would I feel anything but stupid? On some logical level I want to say that I know I’m not stupid; but it never feels like that, and in addition to that, what evidence is there that I’m not stupid? There is literally none, and significant, 14+ years, worth of proof that I’m an idiot. 

Also sorry for grammar/spelling typos, I’m really tired. 

REBLOG WITH YOUR OWN ‘WHY I’M FUCKED UP’