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banana-with-a-bow-tie · 7 years

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A Who’s Who of Unfortunate Events: A Crossover Fanfiction

Characters: The Eleventh Doctor; Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire.

Setting: Shortly after Vincent and the Doctor; the Baudelaire’s first night in Count Olaf’s mansion.

There are many, many things that are better than nothing. A home-cooked meal is better than nothing. A roof over one’s head is better than nothing. And a place to sleep, even if the bed is very small and the blanket damp with tears, is better than nothing. But being raised in a violent and sinister environment by a man more interested in one’s fortune than comfort and well-being is not better than nothing. And as the Baudelaires would discover, there are some things that even a long night of introspection cannot change.

Although the room was creaky and damp, cold and drafty and their small bed left no room for comfort, the physical and emotional exhaustion from that day’s events finally began to take over the Baudelaire children. However, as the children descended into fitful dreams, they were suddenly startled awake by an unearthly noise, resembling the sound of an asthmatic frog choking on a whistle. In the center of the room, directly in front of the Baudelaire’s rickety bed, where there was once empty space a bright blue, wooden box materialized before their very eyes.

Now, it is conceivable that some people in the world that would not be shocked by this occurrence. It is possible that, for them, foreign objects magically appear out of thin air on a regular basis. As for the Baudelaire children, this was a singularly eccentric experience; so Violet and Klaus got up from their bed with Sunny in tow to examine this strange oddity, a word which here means the quality of being odd; a singularity, strangeness, or eccentricity.

The box was approximately eight feet tall. It had a small glass dome on its top that housed a light that emitted a pulsing blue glow. Two groups of six rectangular and translucent windows were could be seen on two doors. Above the doors were four curious words, “Police Public Call Box.”

“Maybe it belongs to the police?” Klaus pondered.

“I don’t believe the police are in the habit of leaving their phone boxes in the homes of untalented actors,” Violent responded, “or installing them with teleportation.”

Before the Baudelaires could speculate any further, the police box door opened with a creak, and a peculiar man stumbled out into the open.

“Well, I suppose I’ve had worse landings,” the peculiar man declared, his accent noticeably British.

The Baudelaire children stared at him quizzically. He had a young face with a strong chin, weak eyebrows, and a floppy mess of dark hair. Though his face appeared young, his attire seemed more befitting one’s grandfather, complete with a tweed jacket, suspenders, and a decidedly unfashionable red bow tie. The peculiar man reached into his jacket, producing an unusual mechanical device. He pointed the device away from himself and pressed a button on it’s side, creating an eerie green light in the dimness of the room and an inharmonious sound similar to that of a chorus of cacophonous crickets.

“Excuse me,” Klaus said, hoping to get some answers.

The peculiar man acted as if he hadn’t heard as he wandered about the room, pointing his strange mechanism in all directions, when suddenly it popped open. The peculiar man examined his device interpreting information that evidently only he could understand.

“Sir, what are you-?” Violet began to inquire, but was interrupted by the peculiar man’s subsequent exclamation.

“Blimey!” He shouted. “What year is this? You can’t tell where the 16th century stops and the 21st begins! It’s almost as if three timelines have collided, into a big wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey mess!”

Sunny then made a sound like, “Germo” which most likely meant, “I thought I spoke in baby talk. That dumb bow tie probably cuts oxygen off to his brain.”

"It's not dumb; it's cool." The peculiar man insisted. Taking notice of the children for the first time, the peculiar man asked, "Who might you be?"

“My name is Violet Baudelaire,” Violet announced. “This is my brother, Klaus, and our sister, Sunny.” After a slight pause, Violet questioned in return, “Who might you be?”

“I’m the Doctor,” the peculiar man answered.

“Doctor” is a word intended by most people to mean, “a person licensed to practice medicine, as a physician, surgeon, dentist, or veterinarian.” It was clear to the Baudelaires that the gentleman before them was not licensed to practice medicine as a physician, surgeon, dentist, or veterinarian, nor would it appear that he had ever attended any schooling to become so. One might find it odd to meet a person calling themselves “Doctor” when they were neither a physician, surgeon, dentist, nor veterinarian. However, “odd” was one word that seemed to describe this man completely. Therefore, an odd name for an odd man would make perfect sense.

“Well... Doctor,” Klaus began, “how exactly did you get into our room?”

“Oh, is this your room?” the Doctor replied. “It’s very... erm... quaint.”

“No, it isn’t,” Klaus retorted bitterly.

“You’re right, it’s gloomy and dreadful, but I was trying to be polite,” the Doctor answered. “Well, I’m sorry to impose, I came here rather by accident. I was just passing by when-”

“You were passing by in a police box?” Violet interrupted.

“Well, it’s not really a police box. It’s called the TARDIS. It can travel anywhere in time or space.”

The Baudelaires were skeptical, a word which here means, “inclined to skepticism; having an attitude of doubt.” The Baudelaire children had good reason to be inclined to skepticism and have an attitude of doubt about a man that claimed he could travel through time. Then again, who were they to question a person that could conjure a telephone booth out of thin air?

“As I was saying,” the Doctor continued, “I was just passing by when for some reason the TARDIS dropped out of the vortex. It was as if it collapsed under the gravity of some horribly depressing situation that eliminated its desire to go on.”

The Doctor stared at his box in puzzlement as the Baudelaire children shared a knowing look. “If anyone knew anything about ‘horribly depressing situations,’ it would be us.” Klaus noted.

“Really?” the Doctor remarked. “How so?” The Baudelaires proceeded to relate to the Doctor all the terrible things that had happened to them. They told about how their parents were killed in a fire that destroyed their childhood home and everything they owned. They told him about how they were being handled by a incompetent and sickly man that had more concern for his promotion than insuring that the children were in a stable home. Finally, they explained to the Doctor that their caretaker was the grotesque soul known as Count Olaf, the man who only supplied them with one bed and a pile of rocks, the man who treated the children as slaves in an impoverished country, this vile and despicable human being who would stop at nothing to satisfy his greed with the Baudelaire fortune.

The Doctor observed the Baudelaire children’s tale with horror and dismay. “This is quite the series of unfortunate events, isn’t it? You kids are a lot stronger than you look. I wish there was something I could do to help.”

“Maybe you can,” Violet proclaimed with a glimmer of hope in her eye. “If you are really a time traveler, you could go back in time make it so none of this has to happen in the first place. We could and save our parents!”

The children were elated at the prospect of seeing their mother and father alive and well once again. You could stop scrolling here and go on with your life. Imagine that the Doctor immediately agreed to take the Baudelaires back in time in his TARDIS to stop the fire that brought about their parents’ untimely demise. You could live with that picture of a happy family reunited, whose lives never had to be stained by the countenance of the wicked Count Olaf. If that’s how you wish this story to end, I encourage you to cease reading now.

Regrettably, the Doctor’s true answer to Violet Baudelaire’s request was far less uplifting. “I’m sorry, Violet, but I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“Why not?” Klaus challenged, frustrated.

“This entire time period is incredibly unstable,” the Doctor answered.

“Mankoo.” Sunny expressed, which most nearly meant, “You are incredibly unstable.”

“Think of it like Jenga,” the Doctor explained. “You have a tower of blocks all unevenly placed yet perfectly balanced. If you remove just one block the entire tower collapses. This time period has been corrupted with so many anachronisms, if I change even one event, reality could collapse. It’s too dangerous. I’m sorry.”

Violet and Sunny were crestfallen, a word that here means, “dejected; dispirited; discouraged.” Klaus, on the other hand, was not merely dejected, dispirited, or discouraged. No, Klaus was also feeling strong displeasure at what he considered unjust, offensive, and insulting. Some would say that Klaus was indignant.

“NO! You’re not sorry!” Klaus fumed. “If you can really do the things you say you can, then you would help us if you were sorry. But you won’t. You’re just like everyone else, too blinded by your own little world to see or care about the problems of someone else.”

“You don’t understand, Klaus, I-”

“No, Doctor, who ever you are. I understand everything. We are living under a roof that belongs to a monster, and you refuse to do anything about it. If you aren’t going to help us, then you might as well get back in your magic box and go back to wherever it is you came from. We’ll figure this out on our own.”

The room became silent as the children waited to see how the Doctor would react. At first, he seemed offended and even little bit cross about Klaus’s claims. But then the Doctor’s gaze came to rest on the bruise on Klaus’s cheek from Count Olaf’s brutal treatment that evening, and the Doctor’s expression softened.

“You’re wrong, Klaus,” the Doctor remarked, tenderly. “I do care, and I know what it’s like to lose people you care about. It hurts more than one can fathom, especially when there is nothing you can do to change it. I wish I could help you understand-” the Doctor stopped abruptly with a thoughtful look on his face. “I have an idea,” he announced. “Come with me.” The Doctor turned toward the TARDIS, pushed the door inward, blatantly ignoring the sign that said, “Pull to Open,” and stepped inside.

The Baudelaires glanced at each other in befuddlement, wondering if they should listen to the madman with a box. Tentatively, the children inched forward, unsure of what they would see inside this mysterious blue box. Violet placed her hand on the door and gently pushed it open to reveal the secret of the TARDIS.

It is common for people in our culture to use the phrase, “mind blowing,” or a popular variant, “this is blowing my mind.” Both phrases are used to describe something so shocking, surprising, unexpected, or wonderful that your brain could not comprehend it. For example, if you were to watch a boxing match between a leprechaun and a unicorn, due to the occasion’s shocking, surprising, unexpected, wonderful, and incomprehensible nature, you might say, “Woah, this is mind blowing.” Or, perhaps if you were to meet a man with a box that was bigger on the inside than on the outside, you might be inclined to think, “this is blowing my mind.” This was exactly the situation in which the Baudelaires found themselves.

“It’s... it’s... “ Klaus sputtered in astonishment.

“The box... it’s...” Violet stammered likewise.

“The TARDIS is dimensionally transcendental. The interior exists in a different, relative dimension to the exterior,” Sunny stated, slightly less struck with awe. Although to most people, her explanation sounded more like a cheerful, “Biga inseye!”

“This is what I wanted to show you,” the Doctor said, emerging with a magnificent painting of the night sky. “A good friend of mine painted this for me. His name was Vincent. He had to go through some unfortunate events himself, only his monsters were trapped in his mind, so he couldn’t escape them.”

The Baudelaire children gazed upon the marvelous painting in amazement The sky was not dark or black or without character. The black was in fact a deep blue and in another area a lighter blue. The Baudelaires witnessed in the painting wind blowing through the blueness and the blackness, swirling through the air and then, shining, burning, bursting through were the stars. The complex magic of nature blazed before the eyes of the Baudelaire children, incredibly captured in this stunning painting.

“Vincent had so much pain in his life,” the Doctor recounted, “and yet, in the midst of all his monsters he was able to transform that pain into something truly joyful and ecstatically beautiful in a way that no one else has ever done. I know you kids are suffering right now, and I suspect things will get worse before they get better. But I wanted you to see that even the darkest of circumstances can bring good things.”

"What happened to Vincent, Doctor?" Klaus inquired.

"We had a fantastic adventure together. I did everything I could to help him overcome his monsters and he helped me to overcome a few of mine. In the end, though, his pain was too much to bear."

"That's so sad," Violent mourned.

"Yes, it is," the Doctor solemnly agreed, "but the way I see it, every life is like a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things. But vice versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant. So, my advice to you, Baudelaires, is find your pile of good things, because they are there. Once you find it, cling to it, fight for it, cherish every precious moment until the next one comes.”

Violet, Klaus, and Sunny paused to consider this. The children thought back to a time when their family was whole and happy; a time when the children sat by the fireplace with their mother as their father read them stories; a time when their family took trips to the beach and competed to see who could skip a stone the farthest. They tried to remember each and every heartwarming memory that they could and treasured them with all their hearts. Above all, the Baudelaires knew that even though their pile of good things may be very, very small, they still hadn’t lost what was most priceless: each other, and that was greater than the largest pile of bad things in the world.

“I can’t stop the monsters this time,” the Doctor said, “and you will have to face them eventually. But right here, right now, for this moment in time, you are safe with me.” So the Baudelaire children spent the night, not in the dilapidated and depressing home of Count Olaf, but in a vast and spectacular wonder under the watchful eye of a kind, if not a bit eccentric, stranger from another world. The next morning, the Baudelaire children bid a fond farewell to the peculiar man that had miraculously appeared in the middle of the night.

“Thank you for everything, Doctor,” Violet acknowledged. “It meant a lot.”

“You’re welcome, Violet,” He answered. “I wish I could have done more. You deserve better than this. I want you to know that if anyone can overcome this series of unfortunate events, it’s you brave Baudelaires.”

“Funny, I don’t feel very brave,” Violet admitted.

“Courage isn’t a matter of not being frightened,” the Doctor stated. “It’s being afraid and doing what you have to do anyway. And I assure you, that you three are the bravest, most capable children I have ever met.”

Violet, Klaus, and Sunny exited the TARDIS and waved goodbye to the Doctor one last time as that wondrful blue box faded from sight. Nothing had changed. Their mother and father were still dead, and the children were still under the care of the deplorable Count Olaf. The Baudelaires, however, were ready for Olaf’s wicked schemes, because now: they had hope.

The End.

#fan fiction #fanfic #a series of unfortunate events #asoue #Doctor Who #violet baudelaire #klaus baudelaire #sunny baudelaire #the eleventh doctor #my writing

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