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hargrieve · 3 years

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hargrieve’s fics recs — april

this is a few days late, because I got caught up in real life! IN PERSON!! what a privilege!!! I read a little less fic in april too for the same reason, but I still recommend the following titles with my whole chest. I am a rarepair enthusiast, but there’s a sakuatsu and another sunaosa fic down below. happy reading :)))

FANDOMS: HAIKYUU!!

gorgeous short(ish) one-shots:

no more keeping score, now i just keep you warm by comfortcharacters @/comfrtcharacter on twitter

atsumu/hinata, past kagehina; rated T+; 3k words; 1/1

hinata and his relationships with his two setters, pre- and post-timeskip

I loved this story because it featured romantic atsuhina without diminishing the valid and important relationship between hinata and kageyama

unwalked by limeprint @/kuroy4ku on twitter

konoha/washio; rated Gen, 1.3k words; 1/1

konoha akinori introspection, between high school and timeskip

they/them konoha [feral yelling] also lots of cameos from the other teams

konoha thinking about volleyball, goals, sticking to things, and washio

heartwrenching writing; I love this author

Foresight by sifuhotman @/ginjimahitoshi on twitter

akagi/ginjima; rated T+; 15k words; 1/1

established akagin, part of subtle inarizaki things college au series

akagi is about to graduate and doesn’t know what he’s doing with his life. (this is ship-focused and not that short, but I’m categorizing it here bc a significant portion of it was focused solely on akagi’s struggles)

this hit HOME for me because I, like akagi, am about to graduate university and I do NOT know what I am doing with my life somebody help me

seriously if you are about to graduate or are at a similar transition stage in your life, even if you do not care/know akagin, I highly recommend this fic because I think it helped me a lot to process the changes in my own life

longer ship-focused fic:

kiss me more by yuzubalm @/yuzubalm on twitter

sunaosa; rated M; 15k words; 1/1

suna and osamu timeskip friends with benefits AND feelings, but of course they don’t talk about their feelings

author’s descriptions are SO INCREDIBLY TENDER they really k-worded me

very much recommend this if you are feeling pandemic loneliness and want to project into ~love~

running from lions by caandlelit @/caandlelit on twitter

konoha/sarukui; rated T+; 8k words; 1/1

sarukui is head over heels in love with konoha. he’s trying to say something, he really is

author does both sarukui and konoha justice. sarukui is Down Bad, but author maintains his sense of humor and, in a meta sense, the fact that he is a side character in haikyuu. a sweet high school get-together about a compelling little dude whom I love

I think this is my favorite fic from this list

clown fic:

Flushed by suzzzan @/tossysauce on twitter

akagi/ginjima; rated T+; 2.6k words; 1/1

here’s the summary: “So. Gin’s abs were going to ruin Akagi’s life. // Fuck.”

and here are two of the tags: “akagi has a gay crisis” and “gin has a hot bod”

take from those what you will

i laughed out loud like five times. A+ clowning of inarizaki volleyball club, esp akagi and atsumu

WHAT IN CARNATION by precious_red @/actuallyatsumu on twitter

sakuatsu; rated M; 11k words; 1/1

hanahaki/flower disease au, but make it clown. atsumu catches feelings and hanahaki disease for his fwb sakusa but refuses to say anything. 10+ thousand words of atsumu trying to sort it out like a dumbass

this is the first line: “Atsumu starts coughing up flowers while Kiyoomi’s dick is down his throat.”

CLOWN O’CLOCK atsumu how can you be so stupid

lots of puns and bad jokes. I laughed a lot reading this

recs I received in my inbox: (I have not personally read all of these)

Fidelity series by 5yenwish (iamacamera)

tsukkiyama; rated E and T; 15k words; 2 out of 2 in series

summary: “In their twenties, after years together, Tsukishima and Yamaguchi's personalities begin to clash.”

guiding stars by daedalust

hirugami/hoshiumi; rated T+; 102k words; 19/19

same author as the hiruhoshi fic I put on the list last month!

Pokemon Stars by Sleepy_Dormouse

tsukkiyama; rated T+; 389k words; 110/150

from the recommender: “It’s a tsukkiyama fic that’s still ongoing (consistent updates, not abandoned) and it’s my personal favourite Haikyuu fic.

tag by rasmirato @triforce-of-weird

tsukkiyama; rated M; 25k words; 7/?

from the recommender: “I love not-so-secret mutual pining for this pair, so the fic basically details the ways their relationship evolves, sparked by some flirtatious late night texting heh”

after last month’s post, it appears that there are, in fact, a few people who look at these recs! (tagging @ravenclawboys here <3) please feel free to send recommendations :)

my twitter (where I am more active)

past fic recs

send me a rec!

#haikyuu #haikyuu!!#atsuhina #kagehina #tsukkiyama #sakuatsu #sunaosa #hiruhoshi #akagin #washikono #sarukono #konoha akinori #haikyuu fic recs #haikyuu!! fic recs #hargrieve's fic recs #mine

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terrainofheartfelt · 3 years

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"It's you, it couldn't be awful"

A Playlist For Dair Appreciation Week, Day 7 - Fave Quotes & Lyrics

I haven’t the faintest idea how to make gifs (seriously I think all of you are witches) so I made this playlist, because there is nothing I love more than scrolling through my spotify library and just projecting all over it.

Track listings and links with opinions & lyrics under the cut, because this thing is long, because I have no restraint.

(Note: I intentionally left off all tswift bc if I didn’t, we’d be here all day)

Section 1: The Bops

Little of Your Love - HAIM

A bop that embodies the energy of the 4b arc, and an energy of “Oh for crying out loud, Humphrey”

You’re just another recovering heart / I wasn’t even gonna try / you wouldn’t even give the time

Stop runnin’ your mouth like that / ‘cause you know I’m gonna give it right back

Hate That You Know Me - Bleachers

It’s “You owe me ten / You owe me twenty!” & “I was hoping it would go away / I was humiliated” & basically all of While You Weren’t Sleeping, tbh

Some days I, I wish that I wasn't myself / No luck! / And I hate that you know me so well

I Like Me Better - Lauv

Heavily featured in all y’all’s gifsets—and rightfully so!!! It’s also like the perfect counter to the previous song.

To not know who I am but still know that I'm good long as you're here with me

Sweet Talk - Saint Motel

It’s about Blair roasting Dan for filth and him being completely charmed by it.

when you laugh / I forget that it's about me / But it's alright / Yeah, cause being your punchline / Still is something

No Reason to Run - Cold War Kids

In the perfect version of the show that lives in my head, this is the end credits song that plays as the two of them frolic in Rome.

I have evolved like a fish growing legs / Woke like a lightbulb clicked in my brain

You Make Lovin' Fun - Fleetwood Mac

The song for the couple that fucked in an elevator. Bless the work.

Sweet wonderful you / You make me happy with the things you do

No Matter What You Do - covered by Jakob Dylan and Regina Spektor

The energy is “I have a lot of affection for you but you are so annoying.” And this is the obligatory post-breakup s6 song.

No matter what in the world you do / Hey, I'll always be in love with you

Don't Take the Money - Bleachers

I see so much love for tswift on this website (valid) but I feel like the world as a whole sleeps on her collaborator Jack Antonoff bc he is brilliant and his act Bleachers has some of my favorite songs ever. Like this one. Antonoff has said before that the title phrase is more metaphorical than literal, like an idiom that means don’t take the easy way and give this up, because it’s genuine. Real “I want to have a sleepover with you” vibes.

Somebody broke me once / Love was a currency / A shimmering balance act / I think that I laughed at that

In the Morning - Nina Simone

It’s about the domesticity! And the “Our relationship is our world”! And the “we’re young and still have so much life to live so everything’s gonna be okay.” did i title a smut fic with lyrics from this song maybeso.gif

Please be patient with your life / It's only morning and you're still to live your day

This Must Be the Place - Talking Heads

This is a canon dair song bc @mysteriesofloves titled a fic after this song, them’s the rules. But for real, this is such a good one. The lyrics are intentionally scattered, a little bewildered, like “how did we get here? how did this happen? who found whom?” and finally “who cares? we found a home in each other.”

The less we say about it, the better / We'll make it up as we go along

Cleopatra in Brooklyn - Frank Turner

Chosen for the title obviously, but the lyrics capture the royal/5b arc pretty well, I think. The narrator carries this tongue-and-cheek comparison of the woman he’s singing to to Cleopatra through the whole song, comparing himself to Marc Antony, and ending with this really earnest kind of declaration. I’m obsessed with this songwriter he’s a genius please give him a listen.

These people are adjectives to your proper noun

I'll come find you when your fortunes fail you / I'll die with you when the gods desert you

Morphing into Section 2: Pure Vibes

Walking on a Dream - covered by Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness

The original is by Empire of the Sun (and omigod I just realized the coincidence), but I first heard it covered by McMahon, and he’s one of my favorite musicians of ever so I just love his rendition. And this song is sort of like...about finally deciding that the reality of love with someone is so much better than the idea of it.

Thought I’d never see / The love you found in me / Now it’s changing all the time

Wake Me - Bleachers

Jack coming for my life yet again. This song is so romantic but also so melancholy? Which is such a Daniel Humphrey Vibe.

And I'd rather be sad with you / Than anywhere away from you

All I Want - Joni Mitchell

I’m a white girl with a mother who grew up in the 60s, so I love Joni. And this song is so bubbly and joyful, but it’s also about a relationship between two imperfect people and wanting it to work anyway. Big “Despicable B” vibes!

All I really want our love to do / Is to bring out the best in me / And in you, too.

Dust to Dust - The Civil Wars

A friend in undergrad got me into the Civil Wars by showing me their live videos, and they have such incredible musical chemistry - like, the synchronicity of their ensemble is so good that it even comes through on their studio recordings and it makes these simple lyrics hit SO HARD.

You're just lonely / You've been lonely too long

NFWMB - Hozier

Ok, this had to be like the first ask I ever sent @bisexualdanhumphrey bc they wrote this fantastic meta post about Hozier and Derena but I said: “consider: NFWMB is a Dair song.” And they said, “You right.” I stand by it, and that’s why this song is on this list.

If I was born as a blackthorn tree / I'd wanna be felled by you / Held by you / Fuel the pyre of your enemies

Friday I'm in Love - covered by Phoebe Bridgers

This song - especially this cover - gives such Secret Friendship Arc vibes a la the end of 4x16...the inherent romance of eating pizza and falling asleep on the couch together

Always take a big bite / It’s such a gorgeous sight / To see you eat in the middle of the night

A Case of You - Joni Mitchell

Queen Joni again. Like! I am a lonely painter / I live in a box of paints. & The “You’re the star of Dan’s book” of it all in these lyrics!

I remember that time you told me / You said “Love is touching souls” / Surely you touched mine / ‘cause part of you pours out of me / In these lines from time to time.

Longing to Belong - Eddie Vedder

This is my thinly veiled attempt to tell more people about this: a song written and performed by Pearl Jam’s Eddie Vedder on ukulele, that is actually the softest love song in the history of western music.

All my time is spent here / Longing to belong to you

Bones - Josh Record

Okay, so, that Moment on the Couch at the end of 5x02? That’s this song.

And darling, when your feet are cold / Wait up, I'm coming home / And all of you I will hold / My love will clothe your bones

Cinnamon Girl - Lana Del Rey

The song for when you reach the end of plausible deniability - One all consuming paralyzing thought & You need to go back to Brooklyn - and it scares the heck out of you.

There's things I wanna say to you, but I'll just let you live / Like if you hold me without hurting me / You'll be the first who ever did

You and Me - You + Me

You can be flawed enough but perfect for a person

Section 3: Songs for Dancing in the Kitchen with Your Lover at 1 am

Cigarettes and Coffee - Otis Redding

The “Dan and I have a real connection song.” It’s about the romance of commonplace things when they’re with the right person.

But it seemed so natural, darling / That you and I are here

I'd Be Waiting - Nathaniel Rateliff and the Night Sweats

It’s “I just want to spend the day with you” but in like, slow-dance, sexy harmonies format.

If you ever get lonely if you never did

Never My Love - covered by Jakob Dylan and Norah Jones

The “Words of Affirmation” love song they deserve, and an underrated love song from Laurel Canyon, imho

What makes you think love will end? / When you know that my whole life depends / On you

Dancing in the Dark - covered by Morgan James

Okay so these lyrics are such Dan lyrics to me, it’s charmingly self-aware and self-deprecating. And this cover by Morgan James turns this staple rock song into something ~sexy~

I'm dying for some action / I'm sick of sittin' round here trying to write this book / I need a love reaction / Come on, gimme just one look

Oh Me Oh My (I'm a Fool for You) - Aretha Franklin

They’re literally always making each other laugh! It’s about feeling safe enough to be uninhibited and unselfconscious in your joy.

To make you laugh / I would be a fool for you

I Fall in Love Too Easily - as done by Chet Baker

No one, but no one sounds as sweet or as smooth as Chet. I know it, you know it, Hozier knows it. And this song and it’s titular thesis is so Them, it’s such a central part of their respective characters, and one of the things that makes them compatible.

My heart should be well schooled / 'Cause I've been fooled in the past

For Me Formidable - Charles Aznavour

Due entirely to this fic (Part II of a god tier s4 au) This is the end credits song for their full feature length Nora Ephron romcom.

NSFW Honorable Mention: Dinner & Diatribes - Hozier

it’s the definitive “men get pegged” representation, iykyk

#dairaw21 #playlist #i may have gotten a *little* carried away...#i regret nothing #dair

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captain-of-the-historicfuture · 3 years

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~hello~ !! For the meta asks!: 3, 6, 9, 12, 15, 18, 21, 24, and 25 :))

Hello!! Thank you for sending these; I was really excited to see that ask game and I was hoping somebody would send some in. It still took me a while to actually answer them though, and for that I apologise. But without further ado! Some meta answers (under the cut because they ended up being fairly long, whoops):

3. What is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need? (Consider this permission to write it and/or share it anyway.)

I thought of a few examples, but they could basically be grouped together under a common theme: whumpy/angsty scenes that were self-indulgent as all heck. The whole self-indulgent aspect often required the characters to be just the teeniest, tiniest bit OOC and/or necessitated rather unrealistic plot circumstances. So it was simply easier to keep such scenes as maladaptive daydreams, rather than trying to think of explanations for the character/plot issues…or exposing myself to judgement for them LOL.

Receiving permission to write/share one such scene anyway is an opportunity I can’t let slip by though. It might be because I’m writing this while running on zero (0) hours of sleep—let’s hear it for insomnia, y’all!—but I suddenly couldn’t remember any of my newer ideas under this category. However, I did recall a one-shot I had started writing a couple of months ago that sort of counts? “Sort of” because I could actually be arsed to write it since I was, ya know, writing it. Only got about six hundred words down though.

…should I share those six hundred words…?

………nahhh. I don’t think I’m quite ready for that yet.

But here’s the gist of it: Coulson and May (because of course it’s Philinda) were married for quite some time before the Attack on New York. But then Coulson DiedTM and then got ResurrectedTM. But gasp of horror, he had to lose his memories of his romantic relationship with May because reasons. (I actually did have some ideas for those reasons but sshhhh this is about me yeeting context and setup.)

The first half of S1 still happens as normal (except MayWard doesn’t happen because??? Vows) and it’s now post-E20 “Nothing Personal”. The morning after (or a morning soon after, whatever) the T.A.H.I.T.I. reveal! May’s mom—who doesn’t know about GH.325 and whom May fed a cover story about Coulson divorcing her or something equally as oof, IDK—shows up at the hotel and starts ripping into Coulson for breaking her daughter’s heart, then dragging her back into the field with her ex-husband (him), then accusing her of terrible things and forcing her away again.

Poor guy’s confused as heck, and so is the team, and soon enough so is Lian. The only one who understands what’s going on is May, and she’s freaking dying off to the side like why is this happening to me and eventually everybody’s like! Explain??? (Was thinking about including something from Coulson like, “Are you still keeping things from me?” Just for that extra smidge of angst, yay!)

So yeah then May gives a, like, two-sentence debriefing that elicits more questions than answers. Coulson decides to take May aside and they have a heart-to-heart. Lots of feelings and angst and hurt/comfort and at some point plenty of kissing too. Just! May hiding her feelings for Coulson’s sake but really magnified, plus some actual apologies and consideration of the grief May’s been through on Coulson’s part.

And uhh yeah that’s basically it I dunno hdsjncjshd. I warned y’all it’s OOC, plot-bendy, and very self-indulgent!

6. What character do you have the most fun writing?

I don’t think I could name a single character for this. I get different things out of taking on different voices, you know? I guess recently I’ve found myself gravitating towards more taciturn and introspective points of view, like JQ from my original novel Rosewood or M. Yisbon from my…other original novel Temple.

Generally, however, I like tackling stories from an outsider’s perspective. That’s why I so rarely write my more “substantial” (serious? demanding? for lack of better words?) projects from the PoV of my “preferred” character. This usually means writing from their love interest’s perspective, but not always. With shorter fanfic, using a more removed/unconventional/niche PoV can be really fun. Like, I once wrote a canon compliant ficlet purely(-ish) about Philinda from Tony Stark’s perspective. That isn’t always sustainable with stories that demand more character development or closer character studies, however, which is why it’s a good thing I like writing drabbles!

9. Are you more of a drabble or a longfic kind of writer? Pantser or plotter? Do you wish you were the other?

My word counts tend to run long, but I usually only write one-shots for fanfic. If I’m even inspired with a novella- or novel-length story idea for a fandom, you already know I’m in deep with them. And if I actually find the motivation to plan and execute that idea? Dangg. That’s only ever happened…twice, maybe thrice, and I’m in a lot of fandoms.

At times, I wish I could go for more of a middle ground ’cause, like, you know what I love to see? An AO3 dashboard with several completed novellas for my ship/character of choice. I mean yes, I hecking love >90k fics, but sometimes I’m in the mood for quick reads…and what am I supposed to do when I burn through all the drabbles and 2k one-shots? (Besides despair and/or reread my faves desperately.) Novellas are basically always safe for me LOL, and I’d hope to be able to give as much as I take.

Ultimately though, I think I’m okay with where I am with regards to that. I wish I could write more in general, but I’d be okay with “writing more” just meaning “writing more one-shots”, ya know? More than okay, really. I have mad respect for fic writers who have, like, a hundred or more one-shots under their belt for this one ship. The fandom ecosystem would be incomplete without them (as well as every other type of writer, but sshhh that’s the type of writer I’m closest to being right now).

I’m definitely a plotter, and I definitely prefer it that way. It’s cool having such a detailed record of my process. I like feeling like a frazzled genius on the brink of a major discovery with all of my different outlines and colour coding and many drafts and various websites.

12. Do you want your writing to be famous?

Not exactly. It might be cool if my original works were recognisable in the world, but I don’t think I’d want to be recognisable. As for fanfic, I’d low-key enjoy gaining a place in that fandom’s community as a fic writer. Like someone who gave and got fic gifts from fic writer friends, who participated in challenges and GCs, who received writing prompts on Tumblr, whose name was known for doing a certain trope/genre a bunch of times… Ya know what I mean?

Unlikely to happen when I’m so hecking hesitant to publicly (i.e., outside of AO3) claim credit for my writing, but fjnskfsjhfjs. A writer can dream, right?

15. Which is harder: titles or summaries (or tags)?

Of those three, tags are the easiest for me, for I have a reliable system for figuring out those.

Next easiest would probably be titles. For fanfiction, I like to use titles that are a quote from the source material. You should have seen all of my old Hamilton fanfic… I was really proud of some of those titles. And I don’t mean, like, whole lines—usually only two to five words. It’s a unique type of wordplay that I just love dabbling in.

And lastly, summaries. Sometimes inspiration strikes me and a snappy and intriguing synopsis just jumps out—one that I’m quietly pleased with—but most of the time I’ll spend way too long trying to think of such a synopsis and eventually just go with whatever I’d come up with so far. And live with my quiet dissatisfaction for the rest of time.

18. Do any of your stories have alternative versions? (Plotlines that you abandoned, AUs of your own work, different characterisations...?) Tell us about them!

Typically, no. If I have deleted scenes, I save and publish them separately, but that’s about it. I sometimes think of AUs for my own work and might talk about them in my author’s notes—might even talk about writing them—but I never really do anything with them.

Although…

It’s not uncommon for me to decide a plotline isn’t working for a certain story or to think of an interesting but undoable arc for a certain character, but what I’ll do is make a whole new story for those ideas. Once I’m done developing the original idea and the branched-off one, you probably wouldn’t be able to tell they grew from the same roots. Does that count?

21. What other medium do you think your story would work well as (film, webcomic, animated series, etc.)?

That depends on the story. I’ve actually written stories in other mediums—movie screenplay, musical stageplay, poetry, TV show scripts, play scripts, roleplay—but the novel does tend to be my comfort zone. Sometimes, if I have an idea that I think could work, or would even work better, as another medium, I’ll label it as such in my folder of ideas and decide not to write it as a novel.

Most of the time, my non-book projects are collaborations. I’m working with five different people on six different story ideas: two webcomics, one stage musical, one anime, and two animated TV shows. Little concrete progress has been made in any of those, mind you, but they’re still fun to discuss!

24. Would you say your writing has changed over time?

Absolutely. But I’ve been writing stories since I was five years old, so we would hope so, huh?

I wouldn’t say my writing’s changed completely, though maybe that’s just my insider’s perspective.

25. What part of writing is the most fun?

Oh gosh, I can’t believe you’d make me choose. Writing is just such a wonderful experience for me; I love just about everything to do with it. Admittedly, not all the time, but. Since that barely qualifies as an answer, however, I’ll give you this—

The endings. Not only that intense feeling of rightness when you wrap up that last sentence, but also the moments before. The adrenaline of knowing you’re almost there but you gotta push just a bit more to actually get there. And also the part right after—the real wrap-up, honestly: the revision and the editing. Heavens, I love revising and editing my work.

Which is not to say I don’t like writing it out for the first time, too—there’s nothing quite like seeing your cursor scroll to the next page, like going from a blank expanse to a Oh man, how many more lines are even going to fit on this page?, like watching that page counter tick up another number. However, there’s something cathartic about finally ironing out those problems I had to force myself to stop worrying about earlier because “just finish the first draft dangit”.

I guess that’s not really the end of the writing process, but whatever. Close enough (as fic writers are wont to say).

Another thank-you for these asks, and feel free to come back with more at any time! ;P

Send in fun meta asks for your friendly neighbourhood writer!

#thou canst not then be false to any man #ask game #invictusmaneo #to write and read comes by nature

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whoslaurapalmer · 5 years

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⭐⭐⭐ , go off hun

SAM YOU’RE THE BEST

so would you believeI still have more to say about one day past the end of theworld, and also that I just regularly keep large sections ofcommentary on my laptop in the hopes that someone asks me about myfic (but I also hope it’s like???? things people want to hear….)(specific questions also make me very happy! people think of things Idon’t always think of and I appreciate that.)

also this is long. this is so fucking long.

OKAY, so this fic took, probably, theshortest amount of time to write – four days, one day to edit andpost, but notbecause I like, Knew what I wanted to say but because it got to apoint where I felt like if I added any more it was going to start tomess it up and I didn’t know what else I would add

IT WAS A TUESDAY, afternoon, it was areasonably sunny day. (thatdoesn’t really matter, but I am a detail-oriented person.)I almost constantly have my peaks fanfic document open – it’swhere I jam all the peaks fanfic I write, or I just, write it inthere in the first place, and it’s usually open because the laurafic is in there and that’s a constant presence in my mind until Ifinish it. anyway, at the end of the document, there’s thetranscript I made of the palmer interview from the between two worldsinterview, and I was reading sarah’s section and thinking aboutsarah palmer, for the first time in like, forever,practically.

at the same time, I had a sad lemon manfanfic open, where I have a long paragraph about grief, and I wasalso rereading that and then I just, got to thinking, about actuallythe amount of physical, sickening grief that sarah palmer has in herlife. and I immediately had a very specific line in my head about howI wanted the fanfic to start that I don’t think I wrote down,actually, because that meant COMMITMENT and do you KNOW how many wipsI have, at any given time?? toomany. butI know what it was.

grief was a sick sort of thing, sarahpalmer thought.

and one of my worries in not just fanfic,but particularly and especially in my original fic, is being tooon the nose. particularly indialogue. but like, people need to talk about things!! they do!! andI want to write that!!! but people are also vague and hide things andthey’re stupid, and that’s something that you have to contendwith when you write dialogue – andthe actual narration of the fic. I didn’t write the line down alsobecause I thought it was too onpoint, and it was something I wanted to show,instead. (overthinking about show don’t tell is a constant sourceof stress for, I think, everyone.) (I also tend to overuse the word‘thing’ so that’s also constantly on my mind and another reasonwhy I didn’t use it.)

my favorite part of the between two wordsinterview – the part that I wound up thinking about the most –was the line I used for the summary. I started thinking about howthat gelled with s3 (which is fun.that interview in terms of s3 is GREAT, especially laura’s part),and then, like I always do – i’m serious, everytime I start a new peaks fanfic I do this – I go through ren’smeta and character tags. and I found the interview grace zabriskiedid about sarah killing the man in the bar and hawk visiting her, andhow she mentioned that like, people will extend a hand to you whenyou’re grieving more to make themselves feel better than to helpyou yourself. and this is true. and it made sense, with what sarahsays in the between two worlds interview. “no one really knows whati’m thinking. or cares.”

so what was sarah supposed to do with hawk just saying, if you need anything, let meknow? why didn’t anyone do more? (and, well, also, it’s hard toknow what to do. it’s hard to know what you want people to do, too.I guess it’s really a situationwhere no one’s going to win and no one knows what the bare minimum of action should be. you don’t know what you want or what you’ll accept and sometimes you just never know, because that’s how grief works, but also especially when no one does anything at all.) (but i think what sarah wants or wanted was probably just someone to sit next to her.)

and the more sarah was alone, theloneliershe was, the less she interacted with people who cared, because noone cared, and the more itstarted to stay with her. her hair dresser talks like nothing hashappened (in her own way, trying to help, and again only helpingherself) – but it has happened, and because it’s stuck with sarahso much, she is always, only, just onedayaway from it. every day is reliving it, and every day is knowing thatthis is what she has now and there’s no way she can move forward.(that’s also how the title came to be – I was hard-pressed for atitle this time.)

(also, speaking of the hairdresser, Imean, everyone in town from that point on knows that leland killedlaura and then….killed himself, I guess. and who wants to bringthat up to sarah? who wants to acknowledgethat themselves, that no oneknew, that no one sawthat, that it happened? people dodo things just forthemselves.)

the supernatural is, of course, a veryprevalent part of twin peaks. it’s there, it’s ingrained in theshow. it is! but a lot of people – and even me, when I firststarted watching it!! – see so much of the mystery and thesupernatural and don’t always realize, or understand, or maybe wantto understand, that there is so much grief and suffering and abuse atthe core of the show. sarah palmer loses her entirefamily in a matter of weeks.so, yes, there is so much constant, supernatural darkness in theshow, created by people – but you can’t let that overshadow thefact that sarah palmer has nothingnow. I don’t care about judy, she doesn’t factor into how I viewthe show at ALL, what mattered to me when I was thinking about sarah,what made SENSE to me when I thought about her, was that, ifanything, the thing inside her that was eating her alive and killedthat man in the bar was grief.

so I had sarah, alone and in this house,and I went back to reread your‘the house on the hill’ fic, because I had a couple paragraphsabout sarah and I was trying to figure out how to write her – thismix of sadness but also complete, abject BITTERNESS, abouteverything, this apathy, so that her lines would just, cut off beforeI got too deep into the emotions she was feeling (which is how iwrite laura, with a lot of, very prevalent emotion, laura doesn’tskimp, so it was hard to feel out where sarah was at first), and Iwas trying to balance all that with her scene with the turkey jerky,so I went to rereaditbecause it’s one of my favorites and I was looking for how otherpeople wrote sarah THAT WASN’T GOING TO PISS ME OFF. and dalethinks about sarah and his mother in that fic, and evacommented something about their similarities in the comments, and Ithought, huh. if there’s one person who would, maybe, understandsarah, or that sarah would maybe connect with – it’d be mamacoop, wouldn’t it?

we don’t get a lot of mama coop in mlmtbut I got the impression that she was like, sort of a quiet person,perceptive and calm but reasonably strong-willed and definitelysomebody who loves her son more than anything, more than anyone elsein her family, not the kind ofwoman who’s really cheery or bright but somebody who coop looks atand knows he’s safe and knows she’ll do anything she has to forhim. definitely an opposite personality than sarah but still someonewho can then look at sarah and say ‘i know exactly what you’re goingthrough’ and they have that fine line of understanding. Isawher with straighthair but I also think sort ofslightly wavy hair would work wellwith her too.

aswe got further into s3 when it was originally airing, I was like,half-worried, half-CONVINCED that there was going to be a scene wherelaura just, nonchalantly walked through the palmer house, especiallyin the last few episodes. like, that scene where gordon opens thedoor and there’s laura, in donna’s doorway, displaced in time????I gasped, out loud. the initial shock of seeing that scene for thefirst time has never left me. but it was also one of the things thatgot me thinking, well, there’s no way laura COULDN’T just sortof, show up places now, right? like, as of episode….2??? she’dalready been yoinked from the black lodge, so I figured, welp, girl’sout there, doing her best, no reason why she can’t relive the lastdays of her life in her own house (becausethat’s what I think it’s implied that she’s doing?? with the“she says something, music over the lull of the tv, andstalks out of the living room in all black, a way sarah never sawher.” that was supposed to be the scene in fwwm where laura’sabout to leave the house and donna shows up)–especially when s3 was leading up to the rewriting of that night.

what also got me thinking about laura inthe fic was, I was rewatching sarah’s s3 scenes, because I figured,the fic would have to follow them, or at least address them, and Iwas always struck by the theory after part 14 aired that the smileinside sarah looked like laura’s. so who was to say that, if sarahis consumed by grief, and grief aboutlaura, and laura is hangingaround the house, and killing the guy in the bar is a massivevindication, not letting scumbags get away with treating women,girls,like that – who’s to say laura wasn’t there too? who’s to saythat sarah wasn’t thinking about all the times she had failedlaura, and that sarah was acting in defense of her daughter (who shehas, as I said, always seen as little),the defense she SHOULD’VE done (because I was also worried thatlike, I mean, leland is drugging sarah – that’s pretty obvious,right? but was sarah complicit in this too? I mean sarah for sureloved laura but wasn’ta perfect parent but like, how far does it go? how far does sarahthink it went, now)

so, in rewatching that scene, and sarahsaying “do you really wanna fuck with this?” I was struck by howmuch it reminded me of the scene at the roadhouse in fire walk withme, where jacques renault sends the men over to see laura.particularly, I was thinking more of laura saying, “you willing togo all the way? huh? you gonna do it to me?” but when I went backto rewatch the whole scene (because what I also do when I write peaksfanfic is rewatch scenes….over and over) I realized that “so youwanna fuck the homecoming queen?” really stood out too and remindedme more, in terms of the content, of sarah’s line. (the one i’dinitially thought of matched it more in tone, though.) and if laurawasthere, then of course it made sense for me to think of that scene,and to try and layer the dialogue together. i’d layered notdialogue but emotions/locations before in writingbut i’d done it in poetry, not fanfic, so I wasn’t sure how to doit, or how it would read, or how people would react to it, or ifthey’d get what I was going for at all. but it became one of theparts that hit people the most!!! and i’m so happy it worked how Iwanted it to. (one of these daysI’ll go whole hog and just like, break out every crazy writingthing I learned in my experimental poetry class, and it’ll be agood day.)

additional specific notes –

-the turkey jerky scene did give me ahard time because I already had this very fixed image ofapathetic!sarah and then remembered about the turkey jerky and I waslike ‘mmmm. I do have to contend with that.’ (and I hate havingto change things…..) rewatching it so many times made me look ateverything and I thought, ‘fuck that cashier has blonde hair justlike laura.’ and sarah’s thinking the same thing too.-“somethinghappened, something keeps happening. it’s happening again.” sincesarah says that in the actual scene (and in that scene in the missing pieces Ireferenced later, which I talked about in my other post for this fic)I was thinking, it really is, isn’t it? I mean, sarah of coursealways feels that it’s happening again, but re: cycles of abuse,this blonde girl who looks like laura, BECKY, everybody, it’shappening again

-oh!in a related note! there was that longass thread on reddit atsome point about what was insarah’s kitchen when hawk was at the door (cause some people werelike, it’s judy! and other people were like, it’s the othercashier cause he said he’d deliver her groceries!) and in the termsof this fic, it’s mama coop. that’swhy I brought her up as being in the kitchen. “humming bythe stove, dusting the same spots over and over, locking the windowstight,” the dusting being a reference to coop’s asthma and thewindows to bob and mama coop’s death-speaking of those cashiersthough……...now I’m wondering if they hang out together and whathappened when he brought sarah her groceries. who are these lil teenagers. who are they

-“aren’t there some things tooterrible to tell our children?” is about bob and is a direct quoteto what coop says to sarah in s2 and that’s why she closes her eyes -sometimes, I need asecond opinion.me: hey mom can youlook at this bar sign and tell me if you think it’s elks point bar#9 or elks point #9 barmom: elks point bar#9.me, months later:….but what if it was #9 elks point bar………………..

-the end part wheremama coop looks older than she’s ever been to sarah was supposed to be a reference to TFD where mama coop lived a littlelonger in the redone timeline, because laura’s left the house to godie so from that point on the timeline for sure starts to fracture(she did, didn’t she????? live a little longer????? or am Imisremembering?????? this is the one time I do not have the energy tofact-check like four times)-sarah wrapping herhand around the bottle was as close as I wanted to get to part17!sarah slamming the bottle into laura’s picture but that’s whatshe was about to do with it, because she’s just seen laura leaveagain and knows she’s not coming back

-Ilistened to three songs while writing this – running up that hillby kate bush, the chromatics cover of running up that hill, and achoral version of the coventry carol (the lully, lulla, lullay). Iwas just thinking about running up that hill at the time and I wasstill entranced by lully lulla lullay from last december and wantedto listen to it too, and the songs just wound up vibing.

#lulu talks about peaks #cerealninjakat

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delineative · 5 years

Text

writing year in review: 2018

total number of completed stories: 9

total word count:

ao3: 43 879

(+ ~5k on socks)

fandoms written in:

dorohedoro

we both chose each other - noi/shin

houseki no kuni

growing without rest - phos/phos

idol producer / nine percent

counting flower petals all day long - xukun/zhengting

leaving nothing behind - xukun/zhengting

when we see each other again - jun/zhengting, ziyi/zhengting, yanjun/zhangjing/zhengting, xukun/zhengting, justin/chengcheng/zhengting

take one step closer - xukun/yanjun/zhengting

nct

from first principles - 00line

produce 101 china / rocket girls

coincidence makes sense - yamy/meiqi/xuanyi

seventeen

the earth in its turning stopped (last 2 chapters) - seungcheol/jeonghan/joshua

reaching for you from the endless dream - wonwoo/jun

wips:

out of the wips i’m currently working on:

dirtmix assignment (will be revealed very shortly!)

nahyuck pacific rim au

markrenmin enemies to lovers fantasy au

looking back, did you expect to write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d expected?

around what i expected... i was aiming for 1 fic a month and didn’t quite manage to hit that but i feel like each fic was longer than usual (i’m a terminal shortfic writer so anything over 3k is long for me). like i kept going 1-4k over my projected wordcount which was extremely panic-inducing when i was trying to write to deadlines lmao so overall i’m okay with the quantity of words i produced this year!

what pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January?

fandom-wise probably the survival show spiral and moving into ncity... if 2017 was the year of yugioh then 2018 was the year of rpf. some of the stuff i posted to socks was very uncharacteristic of my usual m.o but i think everything i put on main was very true to brand i.e ambiguous relationships + vague pining + emo conversations in the dark

did you take any writing risks this year? what did you learn from them?

i signed up for svtbb and had to drop out due to exam pressure, which was sad bc it’s the first exchange/fest i’ve ever defaulted on, but then i went and did lordeventeen and yuletide even though they partly ran through exam seasons too so i guess i learned nothing?!?

actually i think i probably could have afforded to take a few more risks genre-wise, i feel like everything i wrote in 2018 recycled the exact same themes but also at the same time those themes are the only thing i can write. terrible taste i will never change i will never improve that is a promise etc etc

what’s your own favorite story of the year?

reaching for you from the endless dream had me tearing my hair out while i was writing it but ultimately i feel like it paid off! i’ve always wanted to try canon compliant + magic and this ended up with some of the best writing i’ve ever done, plus i’m happy i was finally able to write something for one of my favourite svt ships <3 honourable mention to the concept behind when we see each other again, my post-disbandment allzzt ship manifesto titled after csc_uri_dasi_bol_ttae.mp3

best story of the year?

also reaching for you from the endless dream! i’m really proud of how this one turned out both in terms of technical quality (.... *repeats the same phrase 300 times* Is This Thematic Consistency?) and emotional beats, and it got so many lovely comments. i think this is probably one of my best fics ever, and i’m glad it struck a chord with other people too!